#mindofhurt
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i’m 99.9% sure i’m not supposed to live or experience a happy life.
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i truly and deeply feel like i will never amount to anything in this life of mine.
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at this moment, i don’t know if it’s still worth it to keep fighting. i feel like i’m already rotting inside. everything feels so heavy and i wish you could see it from my pov so you could understand why it hurts so bad and how it’s tearing me apart.
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i wont live to 30.
#i have the date picked out.#i’ll at least make it to 28 i guess#but im done#no one pays attention anyway#mindofhurt
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i made the choice and now you’re pulling away.
i fuck up everything good for me.
#i know you love me but now things are different#why did you make me choose#now i lost you#i am losing control over everything#mindofhurt
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im such a fuck up.
#i did it to myself#ig this is what they call self-sabotage#i cried all night only got 2hrs rest#i’ve never felt so lonely#it’s just like last time#last time when i did this they had time to think#they realized i was fucked up ans manipulative#you might see me the same way#i don’t know#well i made my bed so i’ll lie in it#and deal w the aftermath#it’s my fault#always my damn fault.#mindofhurt
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it’s never ending.
#the pain#it will always remain#i’m constantly reminded of it#every time i express it i do it wrong and im causing a fight#i don’t mean to#i’ll just stop#i want you free and happy#im glad you’re that way with me doesn’t mean i didn’t wish you didn’t venture off for more#but oh well#maybe i should just do the same and mind my business#i don’t know#i’ll still wish it was you#here’s to the last time talking about it.#mindofhurt
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i wonder if you won’t end things w me bc you’re worried i’ll do something.
#maybe you just dont want the guilt#but just go#seriously#i know you dont want me anymore#i don’t even know if you ever did#just wanted me to love you#as soon as i asked you to be my girlfriend you were ready to do your thing and you didn’t car how you made me feel#you say you did but you kept doing whatever tf you wanted anyway#now you don’t even want me in a day to day#just want me there to help pay the bills and occasionally make you smile#you dont care#mindofhurt
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it always hurts. it’s getting worse and i’m almost sure you’re the cause of it.
#it hurts so much#i wish things for me was different.#my life is a constant disappointment#i want to die so bad.#mindofhurt
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it really makes me cry that the things i want in my love life won’t be obtainable.
#i feel like such an asshole#there’s nothing wrong w affection#in fact i crave it so much - i just struggle w placing it#but wanting to be touched and to be desired and lusted after#is it weird to want someone to have dirty thoughts over you?#i guess i feel weird about it bc of how opposite we are#this isn’t all there is that makes the relationship i know#but it is what makes me feel wanted and desired#that this is someone they can only want or need from me just like kisses and hugs#i literally have to run to cry about this away from them#i dont want them to feel guilty it’s their preference#but damn it does actually hurt me that i can’t have what i want#mindofhurt
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it amazes me how people show me they truly don’t care.
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i may not know what’s exactly going on, but it’s the simple fact that i know something is going on.
#you listen to me tell you how you make#me feel#you say you dont do anything#i know you’re deleting shit#i know it.#you’ll deny ever doing anything. typical.#what the fuck ever dude#you just want me for comfort#you dont give a fuck about me.#that’s why you wanted me close in the beginning and wouldn’t let me go.#i know the fucking truth.#mindofhurt
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i wish i was fucking attractive.
i wish i could be fucking lusted after.
#i am so ugly#and i am made to feel it#always by everyone#how is it you can always want someone or want to touch them#and they don’t mind at all you getting them off bc you’re good at it#but really they aren’t attracted to you#really i think they fell out of it w me#but whatever#better than not having them at all#so what am i complaining for?#ust need to shut up and play the roll im supposed to play#mindofhurt
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seriously, fuck off.
#and i just know if you ask you’ll say i’m blowing it up too much#lol sure#probably#but it’s the fact you know i hate that that you allow it that i can only imagine what else you allow#hell was there even a past bc you don’t tell me everything#you always said you kept your secrets#maybe this is one of them#mindofhurt
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really? right in front of me? cool.
#you think i don’t pay a fucking attention#how could you allow that?#why do i have to fucking spell it out#if i did that you’d be pissed#fucking lol#i can’t believe this shit.#mindofhurt
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and of course i back into a car today.
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