#mine arent intended to give away to anyone though lol

[dynamitekansai]

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[pettrichore]

this is legit just a vent post

so the meat of this shit will be under the cut bc i doubt anyone really wants to read this shit but i just need to like say it and yeah

anyway so my life has been kinda going shitty as of late. I mean who hasn’t had a shitty time as of late. obviously some people more than others are struggling and like i acknowledge the fact that i dont have it the worst etc etc but like. damn cant someone just vent. 

anywayyy so im not even gunna like get into everything of what has been going on bc.. yeah no i’m just not gunna put that out there. but essentially i went through a breakup and it’s really hard on me but im still in contact with my ex. and p much we’d LIKE things to work out but also there’s just.. a LOT happening. me talking to him is nice mainly because i have like zero fucking friends and no one to talk to (and i mean anyway i cant hang out w anyone at this point now either but i digress) and so it’s really just some friends occasionally ?? and him and i’m going to lose my mind if i dont have a consistent person to talk to. he has to figure out his shit and there’s... just a LOT going on in his life and some things that COULD happen like worse case could just be my breaking point where i just HAVE to dip. really i dont want to though. it’s just.. complicated and frustrating. shit has been going FINE like it’s not bad. but occasionally there will be things he says that hurts me and like shit gets resolved or whatever but he kinda keeps mentioning how it would probably be better for me if i just... dont communicate with him. which on one hand i see his point with that but also on another like... it’s not gunna stop me from being hurt if shit does go south. like ig i’ve had more time to process it or whatever but like.. what ?? like a week?? yeah that might help but also like.. not really??? idk. i dont see the point on dropping someone if i dont have to. even if we dont end up together in the end i dont wanna just.. give up. mamma didn’t raise no quitter. 

idk there are just so many moving parts to this and i’m worried for his mental health and mine as well. idk what is the best decision in the end. i don’t have future vision. i cant tell what path is the best to go down. idk what will lead to the least amount of pain. 

part of me does want to just leave. to take this as a life lesson and hope it was one for him too and hope he has a good life and leave but like.. i legit wanted to marry him. he wanted to marry me too. like we still love each other. and yeah it hurts to think that maybe shit wont work out but also i don’t want to burn my bridges before i get to them. i dont want to lose a connection to someone who has been an important part of my life for nearly a year now. neither of us are perfect. this whole thing has led to a lot of issues and pain but i have hope that things wont be miserable. i know sometimes you have to let go of people from your life even if doing so hurts you then but.. idk. i know i dont need someone to be whole. im my own person. i can live life without a boyfriend. does that mean that my life wasn’t so fucking amazing with him? nah. it was so fucking amazing and i miss that but i know i dont necessarily need him or anyone to be a whole person. but he made my life more exciting. 

there’s just so much to this that i havent mentioned or forgot to cover but yeah idk. idk what to do. i do know that i need some mental help. that he does too. that things arent good right now but that doesnt mean that they cant get better. i also know i need some fucking legit friends. ppl to talk to on the regular. i wish i had ppl to hang out with but even if i did i know i couldnt do that lol. yeah idk. there’s more shit happening in my life that doesnt help. it also doesnt help that im a major overthinker and also a very emotional person. i just hope and pray shit will get better and soon. i want answers to things so decisions can be made. will i be staying still or will i dip. it also hurts to have the person you love try to push you away a bit. i know it’s for my sake and also for him because it’s so incredibly hard for him to see me hurt but yeah idk. i hope this will be something we can look back on in our relationship and see how it in the end strengthened us rather than brought us down or tore us apart. 

there were things that were done that still hurt and that i still dont agree with or like but i have accepted things and don’t feel any bitterness towards him for. i know things will never be the same but i hope they will be different in a good way. i have faith and hope that things will go good. like he is taking care of himself and focusing on his health and needs i need to do the same. at times i feel bad for feeling selfish things but honestly i deserve something good. i deserve a lot in life and i hope that i can get it. i want to get it in a good and healthy mutual way. i want to give a lot too. my heart hurts of course but i still feel so much love and some of that hurt is just because i care so much. 

anyway this went on longer than expected. if you read this then wow. tbh i dont intend this to be read it’s just like... i needed to speak this out there. i needed to say it to someone or to something. to get it to the world. if someone reads it then that’s cool. hmu if you want. if no one reads this then im perfectly fine.