#minty ramblez

[mintyvoid]

hh i wanna play a video game, but only in one specific spot in my home. not at my computer, where all the games i wanna play are.

yes, im at my computer anyways- staring at my steam library- STARING at the games i wanna play.

can't open them tho, won't play them.

as soon as I leave my computer, back to the comfy spot. I know, I KNOW, I'll finally feel 'time to game' but will then be too tired physically and mentally to get back up and move spots.

but im going to move back to the spot, because I have been doing nothing for hours now- just staring at my screen NOT DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO.

[mintyvoid]

So my dentist called.

Im tryin so hard not to stress ans get super fuckkng anxious but HOLYFUCK IF I MISSED AN APPOINTMENT

[mintyvoid]

guys, doods what the fuck. I don't care what terrible things someone has done this is not okay in response.

Not helping that there is like thousands in the comments who agree this is a 'just' thing to do. it's not, it's super duper not and makes you just as bad as them.

you shouldn't wish death upon anyone, and especially discount a persons feelings of suicide. whether they are even real, or voiced for attention. terfs are still humans too ya know?

yeah they have awful morals, but obviously something happened in their life for it to go that way. And while it doesn't justify nor excuse their actions/thoughts/etc, it also doesn't strip them entirely of humanity or make them not deserving of basic human decency.

this is the sort of shit that just pushes them further into their radicalization, you realize that right?

which....i should hope, is not what you want for people.

[mintyvoid]

just havin a daay

[mintyvoid]

I wish my main stims or ways to ease anxiety werent so harmful lol. Like my main two are skin picking and like a friction thing. Like loose thread thats been notted up rubbing that (to the point where i get blisters sometimes :) ) or running my undernail against seams(thankfully not to the point of bleeding).

And ive never found anything to replace them, used to be a really bad nail biters (and then moved onto the skin around it- to now i barely touch them cause i pick more). Ive tried a bunch of fidget toys and the like, but its kinda a money investment to keep trying. And hard to find stuff that ships to canada too

[mintyvoid]

so im once again trying to work through my issues with life, but again more specifically what is hindering my ability to finish projects. Cause like- if you dont know already, i am an artists..if you can't find a salary job(and even if you can) you need to build some sort of following or portfolio to garner attention and ~eventually~ that leads to income.

...so i need to finish things, get better at my craft, figure out what my ~thing~ is. and to do that once again, i need to finish things.

aight so i write down some of the main reasons, start from the basic and keep delving deeper and deeper till i figure out the main issue that i can start working on. I didn't get very far before i started seeing a pattern lol.

My current reasons for my struggle to finish things-

1. struggle to start

2. struggle to stay focused

3. struggle to overcome problems

Now there are probaby more- but I figured the more I thought about this the more likely id get either frustrated or overwhelmed and then not move onto the next step. Of exploring each reasons and what hinders THOSE.

1a. no motivation

1b. no energy

1c. lacking resource/info/guidance

1d. depression

As an autistic person- these kinda aren't really surprising. Executive dysfunction is like a really hard thing to overcome and it effects a shit ton of things. I wouldn't be surprised if I also deal with PDA(pathologic demand avoidance). Some days the only thing hindering are things like 'cant open program' or 'cant move from spot to computer to work'. Some days I can do these and STILL just stare at my screen and my body and mind refuse to do anything.

Unsurpisingly as well, when moving onto the other reasons the hinders ended up being identical LOL.

But then I fall into the issue i've had since getting diagnosis, by looking at all of this the 'main issue' IS my autism. Its the executive dysfunction- its the fact that ive lived for decades undiagnosised and am now so fucking tired trying to fix myself when it never wouldve worked in the first place. To rewrite my brain from all the internalized ableism i most likely have.

But the resources to work with my autism are hard to come by and quite expensive.

I can't afford to change my environment- and there are a lot of things in my home that I can't change that ARE hindering my ability to function. Working with what i have simply isnt working anymore, but im right back to trying it- desprately wanting it to work because its the only thing i have access too.

right back to feeling helpless cause there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. Like theres no easier solution and im too tired to fight for myself anymore.

[mintyvoid]

hoboy not me failing to do what i scheduled. again.

a friend gifted me a good solid game engine for unity a while back and ive been trying to figure out something to make a prototype with it. but even just opening unity and playing around with the demo scenes took so much energy.

..trying not to think about the like 5+ protos i havent finished and do still want to finish. but then my inability to learn coding comes back to bite me in the ass.

i'm then tempted to just try and learn something easier like godot, but buckling down the learn anything i choose is once again really fucking hard and the constant of 'well if you want to make something that can't be achieved through this..you'll have to go through the process of learning code anyways' is a big barrier too.

god i hate my brain.

[mintyvoid]

oh hey me ranting again about my inability to do things- instead of trying to do the thing

it's normally hard enough just to make it to my computer to work on something- no matter if i have a plan or not

i had the idea (which i think i've had before and failed prior to try so i have no idea why i thought it would work now) to instead of trying to make prototypes/games from scratch to join game jams.

probably alone because i still struggle too much to start interacting with others- way to socially anxious and anxious in general that i wouldn't be able to finish my part(as i already struggle to even just make a sketch or to open unity). so solo it is.

but then comes the issue that i still struggle to code and to LEARN how to code, something i -over the course of like 5 years now- have yet to find a solution that actually works and either get 'oh my god i am in the same boat' or 'i have no idea how to help you' when I talk about it. Most of the time it's either 'no idea how to help' or ' you need to just do it' both equally not helpful at all and the latter being so fucking frustrating to hear. And to me basically equates to- 'youre not trying hard enough'.

i struggle to learn on so many fucking levels.

...i'm going to post this and then go back to my tablet and probs sulk that i can't get anything done ugh.

[mintyvoid]

guess who was able to boot up game!

excited to play game!

hasn't been able to find any pleasure in video games for a while and was excited for a even a brief respite from the depression!!

turns out no respite today, couldn't play for more than 4 mins and even then it wasn't fun. :)

i don't really know what to do now, i spent basically all my spoons n energy trying to do this. and it turned out to be a waste :)

[mintyvoid]

so i scheduled today to assess one of the pieces i was working on...I have many but i have narrowed down to two (one sfw an one nsfw), tho i have been trying to work on these for months.

anyways i think i'm actually done with it? but like always i feel no sense of accomplishment, no idea where to go from here- like what t work on next

im writing this instead of posting it, instead of doing anything else as I can't seem do so do anything. i wish venting actually helped.

[mintyvoid]

i like- finally found a group that helps with autistic adults, cause man I am way too anxious going therapist window shopping when they're all like 150+ per session. and i have a better shot with a group that has many then having to basically go door to door- make them do the work i don't want to do(and honestly shouldn't need to fucking do)

and its fucking 240 for the intake.

(then like 160 for each session after)

apparently covered under most benefits plan but like, who the fuck has a benefit plan??? specially the disabled. like im on my areas disability program and that sure as hell doesn't cover social work.

im so hesitant to even try, like I really don't want to spend hundreds of dollars only to be told they can't help, at least before I was young enough to be covered by my rents insurance(or later when I found a program that got funding from the nearby hospital, that i'm now too older for..)

[mintyvoid]

i noticed the other day that like- i almost have 150 followers and i like /know/ that follows dont really matter on here and Im trying not to let it discourage me..but god is is not working >:I

like ive been on tumblr for like over 10 years and at least half of those ive tried building up a ~thing~ on the internet but just failing to on all sides

[mintyvoid]

i have a hard time dealing with feeling unable to do anything. not sure if it's overstim or understim or lack of spoons- all of the above..?

like i technically did a lot (for me) today, i like showered and cleaned my toilet..replaced my pillow cases and even made a smoothie.

but after all that im just- tuckered out, but also incredibly crave to do something. and have felt this way for like 3 hours now and its so uncomfortable ugh.

my mind can't settle on something to do and my body is so fucking tired.

[mintyvoid]

just a slight warning its my birthday month so i might be more depresso toxic than usual

[mintyvoid]

I forget if ive said anything but i decided this year to once again try and use a planner to organize my shit life. Tho in combo with like scrap notes and other stuff.

Quickly learned, or uh relearned, that i still cant like 80% of the time do what i schedule. Which is great :) /s

So its kinda turned into a journal instead... to try and shift my thoughts that I don't do nothing (but i really do nothing a lot of the time, fuck)

but the real reason why im making this post is a thing that has /kinda/ helped. Often i either forget to write anything, or do the forementioned ~nothing~ . So i started drawing the tbh creature in the empty days

cause i mean, i am autistic and a lot of my problems are directly due to it (and like living almost 30 years undiagnosed and thus fucking up my own brain).

Tho as i gather more and more creatures it both feels fun and dreadful lol. I really don't want to use my autism as an excuse but i cant escape or cope with all the ways it just fucks with my life. I dont have the resources to do so, all very frustrating :/

If i remember ill post some pics of my week or month tbhs

[mintyvoid]

been going through venlafaxine withdrawl all month, thankfully not as bad as ive read online. But fuck its still kicking my ass and all my will power has be deligated to handling it.