#i am still very depressed n sad lol

[mintyvoid]

just a slight warning its my birthday month so i might be more depresso toxic than usual

[angelicsoka]

YOU’RE SOMEBODY ELSE, t. zegras & h. brothers

part two <3

word count | 1.4k

pairings | trevor zegras x fem!hughes!reader, platonic!luke hughes x sister!reader, platonic!quinn hughes x sister!reader, platonic!jack hughes x sister!reader, 

summary | the youngest hughes sibling is slowly becoming someone she can’t recognize

warnings | mentions of self-harm, suicidal ideation, and depression. ANGST. not proofread. this is not a very happy fic, based on the song you’re somebody else by flora cash. no use of "y/n". lowercase intended. uses of the nicknames for reader include: miss sunshine, bub, & kid

a/n | i’m surprised with how my other post turned out, i definitely was not expecting that lol. here's another sad fic, based on another sad song. i wrote this at 1 am when i couldn’t sleep, so i apologize if this sucks. 

you held the balance of the time

that only blindly i could read you

but i could read you

it's like you told me

go forward slowly

it's not a race to the end

she was their sunshine. the youngest hughes sibling and luke’s twin sister was an open book. she wore her heart on her sleeve, and was the sweetest soul around. she had her brothers  wrapped around her finger, and it didn’t take long for trevor zegras to fall for her enchanting smile. he made her happy, something only her family had ever truly achieved. quinn remembered the moment she ran into his room, threw herself on his bed as she squealed: “quinny, i think i’m in love!”

quinn held a soft smile on his face as she went on and on about the date trevor had taken her on. she had trusted him to hold this secret until the couple was ready to tell the two other hughes brothers, who would more than likely overreact. “well, bub, i’m happy for you, but if he hurts you, you tell me and i’ll break his face.” quinn promised, laughing when she hit his shoulder in retaliation. 

“please, as if!” she laughed, getting up to hug quinn. “thanks, quinny. i love you.”

“i love you too, kid.” quinn watched as she practically bounced out of his room. she was so clearly in love, blinded by it even. maybe that's where everything went wrong. maybe they moved too fast, maybe she needed to learn to truly love herself before she could truly love him.

you were the better part

of every bit of beating heart that i had

whatever i had

i finally sat alone

pitch black flesh and bone

couldn't believe that you were gone

trevor zegras loved her, he loved her more than he thought he would ever be able to love someone. and it wasn’t that she didn't love him, it was that she didn't love herself. she made trevor a better person, made him want to do right by others. if she had taken the time to take care of herself like she had taken care of everyone else, maybe they could’ve made it. maybe, he had loved her too much. maybe, they were doomed from the start.

now, trevor was alone, unsure of what to do. she had left him, claiming that she wasn’t ready. that she loved him, but she could never love him like how he loved her. that she didn’t know how to love herself, so how could she love him? still, trevor blamed himself. he was angry that he couldn’t have shown her how much good she brought to this cruel world. he spent too many nights stuck in thought about her, about how things could’ve been different.

she spent too many nights stuck in thought about how the world would be better without her. about how things would be better for everyone if she was gone.

well, you look like yourself

but you're somebody else

only it ain't on the surface

well, you talk like yourself

no, i hear someone else though

now you're making me nervous

change is inevitable. it is bound to happen, yet the youngest hughes sibling feared change. she felt herself becoming a person she could no longer recognize, it was like her body was a house that had been intruded by unwelcome visitors. she looked the same, yet she had changed so much. 

she never told her brothers the real reason she had broken up with trevor, instead she simply told them they had grown apart. however, one look at trevor zegras told them it was more than just that. it was after that they began to notice the subtle changes in her: the joyous laughs that use to fill the lake house were much more quiet and less frequent, and her smile never quite met her eyes.

it was after luke caught a glimpse of the scars that littered his twin’s thighs and stomach that they knew it was serious. luke tried to talk to her, to figure out what was going on but she would find anyway to divert the conversation, to get away from the inevitable change.

luke led his twin into the basement where quinn and jack were waiting. he had promised a movie night, just him and his sister and god, did he feel guilty about what he was about to do. he quickly shut the door, blocking her only way out. the look on her face made him want to break down. the once bright, bubbly girl looked nervous and so very tired. tired like she knew she couldn’t keep going like this without telling someone.

she took one look at her older brothers before breaking down in sobs. luke was quick to embrace her, jack and quinn on their feet in an instant. the words tumbled out, the need to tell someone being so unbearably overwhelming.

“i can’t do it anymore. i can’t keep living like this. i can’t look in a fucking mirror because i hate myself! i hate how i look, the way i talk and laugh! that’s why i do this to myself because i fucking deserve it!” she rolled up her sleeve, revealing the healing scars.

 “there’s this fucking war going on in my head and i’m losing. i can’t keep going, i don’t wanna keep going! i wish that i could go back to when i was a kid, to when i wasn’t so fucked in the head.” the words just kept coming, as well as the tears. she couldn’t see it, but her brothers were in shambles at this revelation. the fact that their sister hated herself so much she would physically hurt herself, that she couldn’t see how much she meant to them. “maybe i’m just better off dead.”

“don’t say that, don’t you ever fucking say that or even think that.” luke pulled back, looking to his sister. 

“bub, why didn’t you tell us you felt this way?” quinn questioned, watching as she took the tissue jack offered her. she sat on the couch, pulling her knees to her chest. jack sat beside her, looking at her with teary eyes. luke was on her other side, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. quinn sat in front of her, a broken look on his face; he was the oldest of them all, he was supposed to protect them. why couldn’t he have protected her from this?

“i didn’t want to be a burden.” she sniffled, avoiding eye contact. jack scoffed beside her, pulling her gaze to him. 

“you? a burden? miss sunshine, you could never be a burden. your feelings are not a burden.” she felt relieved, glad that she would not have to carry this weight alone. tears began to cascade down her face as she allowed jack to hug her. she cried as her twin and oldest brother joined.

“you are so loved, miss sunshine. so fucking loved.” quinn kissed her forehead, a smile creeping on to her face. 

“thank you.” she rasped out, drying her eyes. she fell silent for a moment, deep in thought. “i was promised a movie night…” she trailed off, a smile adorning her face. this time it reached her eyes. “but first, i have someone i need to talk to.”

she stood up, walking to the basement bathroom. she closed the door behind her, taking a seat on the lid of the toilet. she dialed a number on her phone, hesitating slightly before she hit the call button. it rang a couple times before he picked up. “hey, z, you busy?”

“are you alright?”

“yeah, yeah, i’m okay. just really needed to hear your voice.” she smiled, even though he couldn’t see it.

“are you sure you’re okay?” he questioned, concern clear in his voice.

“yeah, i'll explain everything when you get here next week, i just needed to hear your voice.” she heard distant voices on his end, followed by rustling as he pulled the phone away from his ear. 

“i’m sorry, but i gotta go.” he sounded upset, still clearly very concerned about her.

“that's okay, z. uh, before you go, i’m sorry... about everything.”

“its okay, it'll all be okay.” more distant voices could be heard, “i gotta go, i love you.” he ended the call, probably not realizing what he had said. it was in that moment, she knew everything would be alright.

i saw the part of you

that only when you're older, 

you will see too

you will see too

[ghost-proofbaby]

if it were anyone else (e.m.)

warnings: strong allusions to depression, disordered eating/rough relationship with food, mentions of smoking, description of a sort of panic attack. very sad. hurt/comfort? not edited.

wc: 1.6k+

a/n: this is literally entirely self indulgent and written entirely after i sat and cried and thought "i wish i had eddie here right now to hold me". maybe in like thirty minutes tops. this is for me and only me. go figure lol. sorry. yeah. anyways.

if you relate, my askbox is always open, and i'm very sorry you've felt this way as well. i hope you all take care of yourselves. drink some water, call a friend. be kind to yourself.

“I’m worried about you.” 

Four words that always manage to strike a certain type of fear in your gut. You don’t know how to react as he says it, how he wants you to react. You can only stare blankly, you can only wish harder for the earth to swallow you whole.

“What do you mean?” you laugh nervously, following it with a hard swallow.

You’re playing dumb. You know it, he knows it. The tremor in your bones and your numb appendages know it, too. 

“You’re…” Eddie stalls, licking his lips, letting his eyes rake over you, “You’re getting bad again.” 

You’re quick to shake your head, forcing another hollow chuckle from your chest, “It’s not that bad. I’m fin-”

“You’re not fine.”

The look in his eyes could crack your spine if you stare too long. Wet eyes, a trembling bottom lip, worry lines etched into his forehead that you realize might be caused by you.

You’re causing him worry. The last thing you want to do, you’ve accomplished. You’re on a fast-track to becoming a burden – the first step is always acceptance. 

You’re still unsure of how he wants – no, needs you to react right now. This conversation is a landmine for both of you, and you hold every breath with every step as you try to navigate it. If you make one wrong step, it could cause an explosion that spares no survivors.

You don’t mind if it tears you apart limb by limb. You do mind if it hurts him. 

“How… How do you know that?” 

It’s not a sarcastic snipping or defensive deterrence. It’s an unfiltered response of genuineness – you want to know the signs, you want to know what has exposed the rot this time.

And then, maybe next time, you’ll be able to better shield it from him with this knowledge. 

“How could I not?” he takes a deep breath in through his nose, and you focus on the flare of his nostrils rather than any of the tears beginning to gather at his waterlines, “It’s been happening for a while now, though, hasn’t it?” 

Your throat is a cage, tight and restrictive and ringing with a bitter metallic taste in its tenseness. You can’t respond with words. You can only nod. 

He chooses to answer your question more properly now that you’ve admitted it, “You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground. Picking up distractions like they’re going out of style.”

“Hey, they might be. We never know-” you cut yourself off when your eyes meet his. Now’s not the time for jokes, “Sorry. I… I know. I’m sorry.” 

He’s right. Fuck, he’s right. 

“I want to ask you something, and I need you to answer me honestly,” his own steps across these landmines are just as delicate, just as feathery light, as your own. You hear it in his tone, see it in his body language. You wish your body could sink into the mattress you’re sitting on the edge of as he crouches in front of you, warm palms connecting with your knees. Grounding you. Tethering you. Holding you back from that sinking you crave. “Are you… Sweetheart, are you okay?”

If anybody else had built up to such a stupid question, you would have laughed in their face. You would have shoved those warm palms right off of your skin and you would have thrown up those ice cold hands of your own, shouted obviously not. 

Obviously not. I’m not okay. I’m so far from okay, it’s a bit comical. I am drowning. I am treading in freezing cold waters and I am barely capable of keeping my head above the waves. My engine is fucked, my tank is empty. I don’t think I’d even know how to be ‘okay’ again if you did manage to pull this mangled body of mine from these depths and sat me down on safe, solid ground again. 

You can’t say any of this, though. Not because you don’t trust him, not because he would judge you. But because the moment he asks the question that should make you scoff, you let out a sob instead. Something like a muffled, broken wail that tears from deep within you. It had already been ready and poised, laying in wait for a perfect moment like this one to escape. 

His eyes aren’t the only glossy ones anymore. 

“I-” you start, breathing already stuttering and chest already constricting, “I- I-”

“Hey,” he palms smooth up your thighs, carrying their warmth with them, as if he were trying to spread it across you. As if he had heard your thoughts. As if he already knew all about those dark, treacherous, freezing waters you were stranded in. All you can do is spew out another cry, strangled as you tried to swallow it down before it entered the atmosphere between you two, “Hey.” 

You only notice the tears when you crumple forward and he meets you halfway. Those warm palms, those hands so capable of safety and promise, cup your cheeks and his thumbs make quick work of swiping away the salty streams. 

“Hey, baby, breathe for me,” his voice is tragically gentle, “Just one deep breath, okay?” 

To demonstrate, you watch his chest expand dramatically, his hands forcing you to keep your eyes on him. 

You can’t see through the bleariness. 

“C’mon, sweetness,” he encourages again, “One breath. Just one.” 

If it were anyone else, you’d turn into a fit of rage at the coddling. You’d break everything in sight. You’d scream until your already burning lungs finally collapsed as they’d been yearning to for so long. 

But it’s him. It’s just him, it’s just Eddie. 

His chest rises dramatically again, and this time, yours does as well, albeit through stifling hiccups. You’re dizzy from the lack of oxygen and the flood of emotion that was wrecking you. 

“There you go!” his voice rises ever so slightly, and when you flinch a bit at the sudden volume, he retracts, “Sorry, sorry. But that’s it, sweetheart. Another one, okay?” 

Another breath. Another sob. Another wave of all the pain you’ve been battling off. 

You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground.

He was right and it fucking killed you. None of those are things you could ever shield him from. You didn’t have the heart to pull away those numb and icey fingertips every time he’d reach out for your hand, or try to cover the shivers that managed to rack your bones even in the middle of summer. The sleeping situation had been spiraling, a pendulum of sleepless nights that would end in a sleep so deep that you could have been mistaken for resting with the dead. Maybe the smoking you could have hid, especially when you’d been so boastful about quitting. 

You weren’t running yourself into the ground. You had already collapsed into the dirt, you had already joined the worms. You’d buried yourself alive, six feet under, and nothing could have stopped him from sniffing out that scent of decay on you. 

The death of a soul and mind. The death of the thing that had propelled you forward for so long. No amount of sweet perfume, or hour long scalding showers, or minty gum to occupy your mind rather than a proper meal, can erase that stench. 

You never could have shielded him. He always saw right through you. Always had, always would. 

“I’m sorry,” you end up crying out. 

You don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but you echo the words again. Over and over, on repeat, until he’s rising from the ground. Until he’s sat beside you. Until his arms are suddenly encasing you and you’re awarded a warmth you didn’t feel deserving of. 

He doesn’t smell like the decay you’d surrounded yourself with. He smells like slow waking in the morning, dreary and calm and at a reasonable time. He smells like warm baths that only relax your bones, and don’t have to blister your skin in the process. He smells like three meals a day, all comforting and all effortless and that never linger with a sense of regret.

He’s not decay, never even treading close to death. He’s home. He’s the promise that you could be okay. Even if it isn’t right now. 

“Don’t apologize,” he murmurs into the crown of your head, squeezing you tighter into his chest, not even blinking an eye at the patch of wetness you leave behind from where your cheeks bury against him, “Never apologize. Ever. Not with me, sweetheart. Keep the sorries. I don’t need them.” 

If it were anyone else, the holding would have suffocated you. But it’s him. It’s Eddie.

You don’t fight him when he pulls you fully into his lap, situating the two of you comfortably on that mattress. 

You don’t know how long you let him cradle you like that. How much of that time is spent filled with your cries, or how many breaths he gently urges you to take with him. He never once has to verbally say what you already know; he never once promises aloud that it’ll be okay. He doesn’t put that pressure on you, not yet. Not today. Not when he knows the journey to okay is still such a long one. 

“I’ve got you,” he whispers to you instead, “I’ve got you, now, sweetheart.” 

If it were anyone else, you wouldn’t believe them. 

But it’s him. It’s Eddie. 

And he’s got you, for now and for as long as you need.

[strongheartneteyam]

Realize where you belong.

Pairing: neteyam sully x female!dreamwalker!reader/female!human!reader

Chapter 6

CW: lots of angst, jealousy is not even the right word to describe neteyam's state anymore, emotionally hurt neteyam, yandere neteyam, reader has a hard time trying to fight her feelings for neteyam, mentions of using someone with the intention of forgetting someone else, mild violence, mentions of sexual fluids, possessive and territorial neteyam, mentions of depressive symptoms, use of alcohol, feelings of fear, tension, confessions of love, fluff. I think that's all (??)

✨ IM BACK ✨ I can't even believe I managed to finally update this fanfic! 😂 All of a sudden I spent days on end being a 24/7 nurse for my spayed kitten and didn't have time for anything + having to give her 2 different pills at 2 different times, all during the am hours, plus another one in the morning, left me SOOO sleep deprived. It was horrible. Thank God she doesn't have to take the pills anymore. ANYWAY lol Guys, in the beginning of the chapter until the middle of it, I think, I know you guys are gonna want to murder me or reader or both (you know that y/n meme with the pic of the blonde girl "choking" her own shadow in the wall, saying like "babe this is not us" or smth? so… pretty much that! lol) BUT I PROMISE it's gonna be really good in the end 🥲 trust me, please 🥺 it's the moment most of us (yes, me included!) have been waiting for! 💕 Also, this is a longer chapter, compared to the usual. Maybe a compensation for my absence? Idk! lol I just hope you guys like it! haha OKAY if I say anything else, it'll be a spoiler lol love y'all to death!!! my readers are my babies, my lil angels… I truly freaking love you guys so much!!! 🫀⚘

Not proofread.

Chapter 5

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

I can see you standing, honey, with his arms around your body

Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all

(...)

I can see you staring, honey, like he's just your understudy

Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me

Second, third, and hundredth chances

Balancin' on breaking branches

Those eyes add insult to injury 

exile (Taylor Swift, Bon Iver)

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

The air was thick and chaotic at the Olo'eyktan's hut that morning. Everyone seemed to be a bit too restless, either getting ready to go show up to their duties to the clan, like Neytiri, or thinking about some personal struggle, like Kiri, who was lost in thought, looking a bit sad. But she was also mixing some herbs and flowers, preparing a thick, violet colored substance that was used to treat wounds, that she would later give to Neytiri. Kiri would always help Neytiri a lot, assisting her in her Tsahìk position in the Omatikaya clan.

But Neteyam still stood out among the whole family. He was unmistakably grumpy that morning, Lo’ak noticed, as he was - once again - watching the weird way his older brother was behaving. Neteyam was not being his usual calm and caring self. He was not trying to take care of everyone, not giving out smiles and trying to cheer his siblings up. He was even distracted when Jake was giving him instructions about how today's training would go and giving him other orders, like telling him to keep an eye on Tuk whenever he's able to, as she was growing and becoming even smarter, more energetic and mischievous and was starting to get into more trouble, sometimes even picking fights with other girls in the clan, becoming a bit too much like Lo'ak, which had been making Jake rub the sides of his forehead in worry lately, way more often than he liked to admit.

"The Mighty Warrior, distracted when dad is telling him what to do?! What the fuck is happening?!" Lo'ak thought. Something was very wrong. And Lo’ak was determined to find out what it was.

Neteyam sat with his legs slightly open, his hands were crossed, his elbows resting on his knees. He had a lost stare in his eyes, gazing at the nothingness, looking like he was mad at someone who had just maybe punched him in the face.

He did not know how to deal with it all, that turmoil of emotions you were causing inside him felt overwhelming to the Sullys first born. He had taken on just so many challenges throughout his life and conquered most of them, but he feared you were gonna be a war that he might lose. He had to admit it bruised his ego. Suddenly, he did not feel like such a Mighty Warrior after all. An adversary that most people would judge as a weak one compared to him, a mere human girl, so small in comparison to his size, was defeating him. Suddenly all his skills with bows, arrows, big knives and even big, intimidating shotguns were not enough.

And Neteyam felt lost. He did not know what to do. For the first time in his life, his rational and smart brain could not seem to produce a war strategy that could help him win. Win you. He felt just like a wounded warrior, bleeding on the floor.

༊⁀➷

You decided to finally answer Derek’s messages today, after ghosting him for a while. You were feeling weird and lonely. And shaken. God, still so shaken... What the hell happened last night? Did that really happen? Was it all just a dream? You could swear those words Neteyam Suli had given you, about how he was in love with you, that his hauntingly tall and broad figure, vulnerable, kneeling on the ground in front of you, telling you he could tell you desired him too, had all been just part of a weird, eerie, anxious, borderline wet dream.

You knew very well what you were doing to Derek. You were using him to forget about the mess Neteyam was making of you. You knew that was wrong and you did feel guilty and ashamed. But you also knew you had to step back into your old reality, into that familiar world, into your comfort zone, a place where there were only regular human guys interested in you, not that current unsettling reality you were living in - you could still swear it had all just been a dream. Or a nightmare, perhaps. You were not sure -, where there was an almost 10 feet tall alien boy pursuing you, declaring his love and his nearly inappropriate desire for you, talking about the intimate parts of your body in a way that made you uncomfortable, anxious but... that lured you in too, at the same time. You needed an escape from it all. Your already disturbed mind did not seem able to deal with those facts at that moment and Derek seemed like the perfect distraction. 

Damn, what had you become? That was not ethical or moral at all - using a human being like a tool to distract you from your conflicting emotions - but you did not seem to be capable of caring too much about being ethical or moral at that time. Your whole perception of the world seemed to be changing. You felt bedazzled and unsteady. You did not want to admit to yourself that you were starting to feel too much for Neteyam, that you were running away from your feelings like a thief runs away with an expensive item he just robbed. No, you were not in love with him. How could that even be? Everybody knew the na’vi don’t get romantically involved with humans. Your races were more like enemies than buddies. There were only a few humans who were loyal to the na'vi and maintained a somewhat close relationship with them, but never a romantic one. What was making you and Neteyam feel like that for each other? That could only bring problems and you sure as hell did not want more trouble in your already complicated life.

You would be better off sticking to a human male instead. It was safe and familiar. It did not make your anxiety skyrocket. But it also did not excite you a single bit. Derek caused you nothing. You could barely even feel actually turned on when he touched your body and kissed your lips. It was just like he was a habit you had gotten used to, making out with him here and there, to numb the pain you felt inside your heart almost all the time. His biggest efforts to make you wet never seemed to work. Meanwhile, Neteyam got you wet without having ever touched you. That sure spoke loud enough. 

So why were you rejecting Neteyam and going after Derek?

Maybe you felt too afraid to take a risk, to follow your heart. God knows following that damn reddish muscular organ had put you in the worst situations possible in the past. You felt numb but you felt safe. And safe felt good. Bearable, at least. You were afraid if you gave into what you felt for Neteyam you just might explode. The feelings were that strong. You did not know what to do to try and ignore that tiny but extremely annoying creature inside your brain that would always be whispering “What if something actually good came out of it? Take a risk. For once in your life, don’t play it safe.”

But you were choosing to play it safe, anyway. At least this afternoon. You were gonna meet Derek, after two weeks without doing so, and just hang out, eat junk food, drink some alcohol and talk about non important things, just laugh and be silly, like you two always used to do. He was a good friend. Too bad he never made any type of fire light up inside of you, not even in the very beginning of your rendezvous, that’s why you never got to have sex with him. You were simply not interested. At all, to be honest. You wondered why you still insisted on being physically intimate with him. There were many things in your life that you did and did not really think too much about. They were just pure routine, they just kinda happened and you let them, almost like you weren't really living your life, but only a mere spectator to the events that were happening to you. And it seemed like you felt too emotionally numb to put an end to them. Your involvement with Derek was one of those things. He started to flirt with you one day, you were bored and you thought "why not?" and now, months later, you were still caught in this situation. If anyone asked you if there was any other reason why you were gonna see Derek today other than to try and get Neteyam out of your mind, you honestly couldn't say there was. It was crystal clear to you that, even though you were fighting like crazy to deny your feelings for Neteyam, you were indeed falling for him.

But how could that be? Some days ago, he was only an Omatikaya famous warrior - and, oh, let's not forget, the next Olo'eyktan of their clan - that you had only heard people talk about.

༊⁀➷

Neteyam was up in one of the highest tree branches he could find that day. He did not want anybody to see him, as usual, but he also did not want you to know he was watching you, either. He knew you were now aware of his constant presence around you. He knew you were not oblivious to his love anymore.

The sun was harassing his eyes, so he put his hand over them and squinted hard to try and see if the guy next to you, in the laboratory’s cafeteria, was really who he thought it was. When his eyes could get a better view, once the sun was not bothering them so much anymore, he felt something sinking in his stomach and his heartbeat accelerated considerably.

He had just confirmed who the guy was. It was that disgusting little human male that liked to act like you were his mate. Neteyam hissed ferociously, his protruding na’vi fangs looking scarier than ever, as his wide feline eyes watched Derek leaning close to your face and kissing your lips. Neteyam wanted to die - or maybe kill Derek - when he noticed you kissed him back.

༊⁀➷

You forced a smile while looking at Derek, after you had the initiative to break that damn kiss who seemed to never end. He seemed satisfied with the fact that you two had just kissed, contrary to what you were feeling. You honestly felt like you wanted to throw up. All you could think about was how it would feel to kiss Neteyam, to smell his scent again, that was so abundantly different from what you were used to, but that fact only seemed to make you want him even more.

You looked away to try and forget the ridiculous mistake you were making by being with Derek at that moment. You were looking at the ground and your gaze moved upwards. Now your eyes were directed towards the outside of the lab. What you saw startled you beyond reason. Neteyam was squatting, up in the branches of a huge tree, not too close but not too far from the part of the laboratory you and Derek were currently in. His fangs were out, seeming bigger than ever, as he hissed ferociously. Neteyam's animalistic side had completely taken over him and you could tell.

A chill ran down your spine. You could feel in your guts something bad was about to happen.

Your heart throbbed in pain as you saw how hurt he was now that he had seen you kissing Derek, even after he - Neteyam - had confessed his feelings for you in such a vulnerable way last eclipse. You saw in his eyes how betrayed he felt, like you were just silently telling him that his love did not matter at all to you and you'd rather be with any other guy but him.

༊⁀➷

"Hey, I'm going outside for a while, 'kay?" Derek spoke as he got up from the place he had been sitting, beside you, kissing your cheek "The boys are gonna meet me behind the lab in a while. "

Oh, no. Derek would not be safe if he went outside. Not with Neteyam spilling hate for him out of his soul like that. You had to try and find a way to keep Derek inside.

"Oh." You said, not being able to conceal your nervousness "Why don't you wait for them to actually get there before you go?!" You almost begged, visibly tense

"God, you seem nervous." He chuckled slightly, seeming uncomfortable " Is everything alright?"

"Yeah! I just want you to spend some more time with me." You pouted at him, coming up with an excuse to try and keep Derek from going out of the lab

"Sorry, sugar. It was nice hanging out and stuff but I really need to go now." He was already walking fast towards the door before you could try and talk him out of that stupid idea

You couldn't let any of the people in that cafeteria know something was up, so, you pretended everything was alright and finished eating your chips and took the last sip of your canned whisky and coke and stood up, walking slowly (when you actually wanted to freaking run) in the direction of the lab's metal door that led to outside.

You put your oxygen mask on, took a deep breath and walked out the door. 

You heard a noise, it was like a really heavy object falling to the floor. You also heard some strong thuds.

When you started to walk around to try and see what was happening, you realized your fear had become reality. Neteyam was sitting on top of Derek’s squirming body, his toned, striped thighs straddling Derek’s torax. You gasped when you realized Derek was no longer wearing his oxygen mask and Neteyam's huge hand was over Derek's mouth, preventing him from screaming for help. Neteyam looked at him like a hunter looks at their prey, while his big fangs and loud hisses put fear in the human boy's eyes. Derek was completely terrified.

Your heart beat sped up insanely and your hands were now cold as ice. You were afraid for Derek’s life.

You knew that the way Neteyam was taking out his frustration and jealousy on Derek was indescribably far from okay but still, as cruel to Derek as it seemed, you still felt incredibly sorry for the Omatikaya in front of you.

At the end of the day, you had a big percentage of blame for what he was doing right now. You were confused and afraid and torn but you knew to whom your heart belonged and it was not Derek. So why the hell were you being so selfish to the point of hurting two boys at the same time just because you didn't know how to deal with your own feelings? You realized it was time for you to stop being a coward and put an end to that madness.

You could tell Neteyam was not okay mentally and you knew that you were being toxic too, that you were contributing for his mental state to get worse with your indecisiveness and fear, despite his efforts to show you he would never hurt you. You wanted to stop hurting him and help him instead, to finally let go and admit to yourself and to him that yes, despite the way you had been acting, you were in love with him too.

"Neteyam, don't!! Let him go, please!!" You shouted, running towards the human and the na'vi boy.

You finally got close to Neteyam. He stopped and looked at you, his eyes so fiery, the calm golden pools they always used to be were now boiling with feelings of anger, jealousy, hurt and betrayal.

"For me! Please?" You pleaded him, looking deep into his eyes while stroking his strong blue arm

You watched that beast inside of Neteyam slowly calm down, as his feline ears pointed downwards and his eyes became softer. He moved his hand away from Derek’s mouth and the human boy let out a series of labored breaths. Neteyam slowly got off of him, revealing his beyond intimidating height as he stood up, and stepped away from him.

You walked as fast as you could to where Derek's oxygen mask was laying on the floor and picked it up, checking if was broken (it wasn't! Thank you, Universe.) and went back to where he was lying down and gave it back to him.

Neteyam watched your movements and felt jealous when you got close to Derek, so, once you got back to the place where you were standing before, Neteyam stood right next to your arm. His instincts told him to mark his territory.

Derek swiftly put it back on. He was almost completely out of breath. Derek breathed in deep once the mask was covering his face, taking in all the oxygen he possibly could.

"Are you okay?" You looked down at Derek’s body, searching for any visible wounds. There were none, at best. "God, I'm so sorry about this…"

"Yeah, I'm fine, somehow." Derek seemed afraid, shocked, frustrated and angry, all simultaneously, as he got off the floor and got back on his feet

"Please, don't tell anyone that you saw Neteyam or that he tried to hurt you, okay?"

"What the fuck?!! This psycho almost tried to kill me!! Why are you defending him?!"

Neteyam hissed at him when he heard what he had just called him but you squeezed his arm and he looked at you, remembering your pleas were the thing that were keeping him from killing that small, pink male. Even though it hurt him deeply that you were protecting that human, he couldn't bring himself to ignore you when you were begging him not to hurt Derek. You had Neteyam in the palm of your hand.

"You don't understand! If you let anyone in that lab know what Neteyam did to you, the RDA will eventually know about it too! Do you understand how serious this is? Do you wanna see Neteyam dead?!" You urged him, looking deep into his eyes "You could even help start another war between the humans and the na'vi. Do you understand that it is a much bigger issue than it seems to be? Just forget about what happened and I'll make sure Neteyam won't ever try to hurt you again."

Derek smirked in contempt 

"How can you be so sure he will listen to you?"

"I know he will! He loves me. And… I love him too."

Derek’s face had a big question mark all over it now and his mouth fell open.

Neteyam seemed to be shocked for a while. He did not expect you to say that, at all. He thought you would never love him back. Neteyam couldn't seem to believe those words had actually just come out of your mouth.

You breathed in deep, trying to stay calm amidst all that chaos "This thing between us…" You looked at Derek "It's over. I don't know why I was still insisting on it, I never even felt attracted to you, in the first place. I'm sorry."

"I'm outta here! All of this shit that's going on… feels like a fucking nightmare"

"Can you do as I said and not tell anyone about Neteyam? Nobody, ever? Please?!" You were nervous, brows furrowed, talking fast

"Okay!! Just let me go now! I think it's better if you and I keep some distance from each other from now on. I don't want your crazy na'vi boyfriend trying to kill me again." 

Neteyam hissed at Derek again when he heard the word "crazy" and Derek rapidly looked at him, startled, but couldn't be brave enough to spend more than some seconds staring at him, so, he swiftly looked away 

"Neteyam, please!! He's going already." You looked at Neteyam, a bit angry and impatient, asking him to calm down "Just go, Derek." You spit out and sighed, feeling physically and mentally drained after having to stop that stupid fight

Derek finally turned his back to you and Neteyam and left.

You looked at Neteyam. His eyes were glued on you. Those pretty amber eyes. His face wasn't full of hatred and anger anymore. His demeanor was much calmer now. His body language radiated love towards you. His tail was wagging softly. You felt pain and regret consuming your chest. How could you have treated Neteyam so badly last night? You realized now you couldn't hold him to the same standards you hold human males. The na'vi are animalistic beings, in spite of their high intelligence. And worse, how could you be irresponsible enough to kiss Derek even not actually wanting to, making Neteyam see it and get as hurt as he did? You sure were being trashy.

"My tawtute…" he cooed as he turned to look in your eyes "I won't let you run away from me anymore." Neteyam had a big smile on his lips "I don't care if you try to. That's all I needed to hear, that you love me. Now that you've said it, even if you didn't say it directly to me, I'm gonna fight for you even harder, even if you keep trying to push me away, I will keep bothering you." He kept smiling, blissful "You're like an Ikran. I just need to be patient with you. Eventually, I'll tame you and you'll be mine. All mine, hi'ì 'emyu." (small cook) "Bonded to me through tsaheylu. I can be patient and I will be."

You could only look at him, stare at his face and ask yourself why. Why was he willing to put so much work into making you his mate? 

"I'm not gonna run away from you anymore." You finally said "I'm done running. I'm done keeping myself miserable and alone because I'm too afraid to trust you and let you in. While trying to keep myself "safe", I was hurting myself and hurting you. I'm not doing that anymore, Neteyam. I was so stupid… I can't really say what it is, but there's just something about you… I think about you all the time, since the first time I saw you when you appeared for me outside that window. I don't believe someone can fall in love so fast but…" You were about to burst into tears "I'm in love with you."

Neteyam looked at you with the biggest smile on his plump lips, while his heart beat uncommonly fast inside his chest. He was overwhelmed with joy but as he was seeing the tears welling up in your eyes, he felt like he was about to cry too. But he didn't. Having learned throughout his whole life to always act with self control and rationality in front of everyone, - not really by choice, but because he knew that was how the Olo'eyktan to be should act, to keep a good reputation, to let his people know he was strong enough to control his emotions and not let them get in the way of him making good decisions for the Omatikaya - his ability to show some aspects of his feelings was a bit impaired now and that included crying. Even though he almost cried in front of you when you rejected him, he couldn't bring himself to cry of joy, now that you were saying that you wanna be with him too.

"I'm sorry for… what you saw. Me and Derek. I never liked him, Neteyam. He was just-"

"Yawne, no." Neteyam interrupted " It's okay. I don't wanna hear about that human." He looked disgusted only by the thought of Derek "And I don’t want you thinking about him either. You're mine now. Just forget about him. It's me that you like, right?" He gave you a gentle smile now and you nodded your head positively "Then focus on me, yawntutsyìp."

You looked at him, shyly, and smiled

"So… Can I ask for a hug, now?" your heart beat fast inside your chest cavity as you nervously said that

"Oeyä tawtute…" (my human) "You don't even need to ask." He opened his big, strong arms as he spoke "Come here."

༊⁀➷

Taglist: @kitsunefirewail @tumblingdevils @a-blog-name-2003 @xylobee @nerdybouquetofkittens-blog @henhouse-horrors @lala-1516 @xylianasblog @samistars @crazy4books1 @explosiongamora @lik0 @your-girl-mj @darktyrantwinner @sereisstuff @yeosxxx @die4niyahhh @iman-lu @manumanulau @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @hana-yuri @thehoneymushroomhealer @melllinaa @annaibansworld @siriuslysmoking @avatar4eva @ellabellabus07 @badbishsblog @neteyamsmate4life @c-h-i-l @criticallybella

[ughgoaway]

Aw no I'm so sorry that you're not feeling good 😔 I wish there was something I could do to help. Have you read toomuchracket sweetheart George series?? These are so fluffy and soft and adorable and just melt me so they might help you feel better 😊 also remember the fic that you write that was SO GOOD where Matty thought teacher was breaking up with him because she was stressed and busy at work and hadn't replied to his messages.

I bet he would be so sweet and gentle and understanding if she was going through a hard time, maybe she's short tempered and feeling low mood but can't put her finger on what's wrong. I feel like he'd want to be there with her all the time but would also understand if she needed some space. he might do things like run her a bath or brush her hair for her. Fill up her water bottle so she stays hydrated or encourage her to go out for some fresh air and a little walk with him.

🎄

I am so sorry for how late i am replying to this, I feel asleep mid-blurb this night, and this got lost in my drafts!!

oh yes, I ADORE the sweetheart George series, mads can literally do no wrong in my eyes!!! that's a very good depression recommendation, though. I will defo keep in mind the next time I'm sad lol

omg, I had completely forgotten about that blurb, yes!!! I remember not liking the finished result when I wrote it, but maybe my brain is playing tricks on me...

don't even with soft matty looking after teacher reader, OH MY HEARTTTTT.

(rambles below the cuttttt)

✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿

despite you being very short with him, matty is still a sweetheart. he has been watching you get more and more tired over the week, and knew tonight would be the night where it all just boiled over.

i think like you said, nothing big happened, just something has been building within you all week, and it's been driving you crazy. and when you start snapping at him, you immediately feel awful. but you just can't help it.

so he was prepared. he went out and bought some nice snacks (fancy m&s snacks for those who know), some nice bath salts, and even a fancy candle that he knows you'll love.

"Oh darling, please stop crying. it's okay, just wanna look after my girl" (this does not work. you just cry again. and then you cry whenever you think about him saying this)

he manages, after some convincing, to get you into the bath he ran for you, and you immediately relax. and then start sobbing because he is so kind and you don't quite know how to deal with it.

matty hears and comes rushing in (after knocking and asking if he can come in, which makes you cry even harder) and he just rubs your back, maybe even offers to wash your hair for you. he uses his fancy curly shampoo and conditioner, which once again makes you cry.

when you get out, you watch a little film, maybe your favourite. you eat the snacks matty got you and just cuddle on the sofa. I think Annie comes home at some point during this, and she can tell you're feeling off.

she doesn't say anything because she's aware enough to know to keep that to herself. she just jumps on the sofa and burrows in between you and matty. He smiles over her head, and he sees your eyes welling up again and can't help but giggle and squeeze you tighter. you lightly laugh at the absurdity of your emotions.

anyway, this is my dream when I am depressed but I just order takeaway and cry :)

maybe you all take mayhem for a walk the next morning, and annie says, "Are you feeling better today y/n?" And you're a bit caught off guard but say, "uh, yes I am sweet girl, thank you for asking. "

she nods and runs off quite happily with mayhem in the park. you look at matty, and he immediately shakes his head, "I didn't tell her anything, promise!" he holds his hands up in faux surrender, and you believe him.

[kitttenteeth]

poor sweet kitten girl i'm so sorry for your loss :( your rabbits wait for you in wonderland, little angel! back in september (i think?) you posted alot about the importance of fairytales and so many lovely things about the story of alice in wonderland, it inspired me to find the magic in my own life in a time i was really depressed and to create my own dreamscape of a life that i could finally be happy to live in. i really hope the stars shower you with the dreams and love you deserve lucky kitty :( it's always sad when you leave but always put that pink glitter heart of yours first and snuggled up tight next your animals! and i'm so sorry it's seemed to be a difficult year overall for you :( cheers to this new year being sweeter to you. you have alot of people that admire your magic and only want the softest for you. you gave all of your love and the best life you could to your white rabbits and they will be with you forever, fairytale girl :) how long is forever?

sometimes, just one second .. 🐇🐇⋆｡ﾟaugghh. tears falling everywhere This is so so kind. i know it stays stuck on ur heart like glitter but I do sort of feel like i've lost my fairytale sparkle , i am just .so incredibly depressed n disappointed looking at my life and this past year Lol truthfully I feel pretty shattered . but things r okay + ur msg is so dear and i hope I can feel all of that soon ^◞‸◟^ i miss my rabbits n all the other angels who passed this year &i wish i still felt like magic was real for me . eugh. Everything will be okay &i M getting better at creating sweet moments for myself despite . the nightmare . and i know i will see my bunnies again ! even if I must follow them down rabbit - holes. I was able to collect some of their fur &i keep it in a little charm type of vial that i sleep with under my pillow .. i've been waiting for a dreamvisit but my bunnies must know that waking up from it would ruin me . dying meow. Thank U so muchfor ur sweetness & very happy new year to u angel anon !

[davidjrpalos]

came in and told my management about me leaving at the end of the month and they both were sad about it bruh I’m real life so depressed lmao, ik im doing what I need to do but damn.. don’t even wanna think ab saying goodbye like fuuuck it shouldn’t be that deep but this job changed so much for me in a good way, I feel so productive and more like a human nd very accomplished, n just generally gained a lot of confidence, all of which I didn’t expect at all. I had way different expectations and visions for how it was going to play out when I started, which were definitely more angsty and bitter and still self destructive anyway. then I meet someone here I like that makes me like question the type of person I am for some reason and like made me consider being a better person lol and it’s just like now here I go uhhhgndnsj lemme not shed a tear on my fucking lunch break lol

[pinkcherryblossomangel]

Away from home - chapter 7

Y/N is an actress, filming for her first lead role in the film adaptation of her favourite childhood book, produced by maximum effort.

She bonds with Ryan Reynolds over their share Love of the Korean pop band Stray Kids, and he has a surprise for her.

When she starts missing home and the darkness creeps upon her, her hotel neighbour comes to her rescue.

Trigger warnings- mentions of depression, self harm and anxiety.

This chapter is NSFW

Stray kids fan fic

Mainly staring 3ratcha

But the other boys do make appearances it's just easy to keep to minimum of characters lol

Chan x oc

This is my first ever fan fiction so if it's shit soz.

It's 3pm by the time I wake up. I feel groggy. My mouth's dry and my stomach hurts from hunger, I pull out my phone and order a McDonald's meal... or two.

I hop in the shower, forgetting its broken, so i pull my pj's back on and head to Chan's. But before I exit my door i notice a piece of paper on the floor.

It's from chan. He's handwriting is adorable.

'Morning Y/N. I realised I don't have your number and you didn't answer when I knocked on your door this morning so I'm guessing you're still asleep. I really enjoyed last night, I hope I didn't come off too strong.

I just really wanted to kiss you.

I know it's only been a few days since we met, but it feels like we we're meant to be in each others lives.

If you don't feel the same that's cool, I just wanted to put all my cards on the table. I like you and I'd like to take you out on a date sometime. I'm out this weekend, staying at Hannah's, but I'll be back tomorrow night. I'll see you then. Its a date!

Chris x'

Why am I crying?...

Is this the first time anyone has ever said anything like this to me?

Fuck, my McDonald's is here.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I scran down my big mac and chicken legend and crawl back into bed. How I'm I meant to go two days without him? God I sound ridiculous! It's been 5 fucking days and I'm acting like I'm in love. I think I'm just addicted to how I feel around him, he feels like home. The comfort of walking into a warm house after being in the cold outside.

I want to know more about him. All his little intricacies and quirks. I want to know what wakes him up in the morning and what keeps him in bed. To know all about what goes on in that gorgeous head of his. I'm counting down the seconds until I can.

-----------------------------------------

8 pm Sunday evening. I've legitimately just slept all weekend. I did have a video with my family back home. It felt so good to see their beautiful faces! But mostly I enjoyed seeing my cats that my mum put on the call whilst she went to the bathroom. They told me they miss me too.

No one has yet Come to fix my shower. I'll let them off since it's the weekend, but I've been stewing in my post night out smell. I should go round to Chris', but theres two problems with that idea. 1. I haven't heard him return and he hasn't knocked round here.

2. I smell like shit and look like it too. (Very reminiscent of my depressive episodes im prone to, but with out the actual sadness. )

There's no harm in just knocking to see if he's, so I grab my dressing gown and head to his.

I here him talking, but theres no reply. I wait for a moment, he's probably on the phone. He stops talking so I knock.

"One minute!!" He yelled! " I'll be back in a sec guys!" Guess he's still on the phone. He answers, a huge smile appears on his face, he looks back in the direction of his phone and slowly closes the door slightly behind him so we're both in the hallway.

"Sorry is this a bad time?" I ask, slowly heading back to my door.

"I'm just... I'm just doing a live stream." He replies, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Oh yeah your Chans room! I've seen a few" He seems to look less nervous that I'm not judging him. "I just wanted to know if I could use your shower. Mines still broken"

"Yeah of course you can, could you wait just like 40 minutes?"

"Yeah sure! I've waited over 24 hours, 40 minutes won't kill me" I laugh. He brushes his hand through his hair and I notice his bicep flex. I never really noticed it but this man is buff. No wonder I feel safe around him, he could beat up a bear a win. Well maybe not a  bear?

I turn to head back into my room, but he takes my hand stopping me.

"Did you get my letter?" He asks, his eyes shining with hope.

"Yeah I did" I say meeting his eyes with the same anticipation.

" and did you..." I cut him off, bringing his lips to mine. My hand running through his hair.

" does that answer your question?" I tease.

"And all the ones after" He answers, slightly bewildered. "I have to head back in. I'll see you soon"

"It's a date" I reply. His grin has taken over his entire face, giddy like a child.

"It is indeed" He says before closing his door.

I collapse on my bed and open up his stream. God he's gorgeous. He keeps smiling to himself, which makes me do the same. I'm literally kicking my feet and smiling over this man. The chat seems to have noticed too. All mentioning how he seems to have found something outside his room very exciting. He answers them saying a staff member just was asking what food he wanted from the shop.

He signs of with a virtual hug, and now I get to have a real life one. And a shower.

I knock the door again, he shouts that it's open in response. I walk in, naked underneath my dressing gown. I stand awkwardly in his room, not sure whether we should talk about everything now or after my shower. He turns in his chair away from his laptop, his gaze lands on me. I'm suddenly aware that if this thin belt unwraps I'll be stood here bare ass naked. I pull the belt tighter.

"You gonna shower?" He questions

"Yeah, I just didn't know if you wanted to talk about everything properly now or after my shower?" He seems taken aback from my forwardness.

"Now?" He pats on his bed for me to sit down. I follow his direction and sit down opposite him. He wheels his chair closer to me so our knees are touching. A knot beginning to form in my stomach. He puts his hands on my knees. I think I flinch in response because he removes them as soon as he places them down.

"Sorry" He stammered, backing off. I hold his hands, stopping him from backing off too far.

"I'm okay. Its just..." fuck how do I explain this without sounding like a weirdo? "I've got nothing on under here. And well." I put my head in my hands. "I've never been touched in such a gentle way there. I was just a bit taken aback." He's silent. Then his lips curl into a smirk.

"So, that reaction was because you liked it so much?" A raised brow has joined his smirk. I can tell this man loves a good tease. He's gonna be the death of me.

He pulls himself even closer, this time he gently spreads my knees apart, replacing the space between them with his knee. Each second he does this, he's locked his gaze on mine, making sure I'm okay with this. And fucking hell I am. He stops centimetres away from my vulva. I'm glad he does cause im honestly embarrassed by how wet I am from just his smallest touch.

He leans over to my ear, his lips grazing  my neck ever so slightly, inciting goosebumps and a sound from me I'm not sure I've ever made before. He giggles, savouring the state he's got me in. "You should take your shower" He whispers. I snap out of my trance

"Are you saying I smell?" I'm joking but slightly concerned. He laughs, removing his knee and standing up from his chair

"Not at all. I just know you've been waiting to have one. Plus I'm worried you feel like this is going too fast. Cause I am." Chan looked down admitting his feelings. "I don't want you to do anything you'll regret. we haven't known each other long and I know you wanna know someone before you're intimate like that with them". Fuck me. This man may be the most caring person I have ever met.

I stand up from his bed and walk over to him, kissing him on his forehead.

"Thank you. I did enjoy it, please know that." He drops his head, but I lift up his chin with my index finger, "I mean it." I kiss him, deeper than before. I do want him. Just not yet.

I walk past him and head into his shower.

[mistydeyes]

Hello! I don't know whether matchups are open and if not you can delete this request. But...

Can you please give me a MW2 matchup? 🙂

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: straight

MBTI: ENTJ-A

Zodiac Sign: Cancer

Appearance: 5'7', Slim thick, dark brown eyes (looks black tbh), Curly black medium length hair, fair skinned, wears glasses (cuz I can't see shit without them)

About Me: I'm Indian and I come from a conservative family, and so my upbringing was a bit weird and made me into a weird mess. I would consider myself an introvert. But definitely not someone who sits in a corner of a room and stares. I do enjoy having conversations with people, but my social battery is low and so I get tired pretty quickly. But if I'm speaking to someone who I am really interested in, like my longtime best friend, I would talk for HOURS!!!. When it comes to friendships, I'm a very selective person. I'm not someone who gets close with people as it's very hard for me to open up, as I'm quite reserved. I also don't get along with a lot of people so 🤷🏻. Also, people have pointed out that I look unapproachable and Intimidating as I have a resting bitch face. I maybe having the best time of my life but my face does not show it, at all 💀. Or sometimes, I get really stoic and people can't tell whether I'm sad, happy, or angry lol.

I'm a level headed person, but sometimes people get on my nerves and I'm the type to bottle all of those emotions. Then when a minor inconvenience happens, BOOM! I will literally turn into a demon and my whole day just got ruined.

I'm someone who really cares about my loved ones. I will protect them from anything and I will help them out in any way I can. I'm a good listener and love to empathise with people who are hurt or would let people rant so they can feel better. I'm the therapist and the mom friend of my friends group so.... Yeah, I care about the ones I love wayyy too much. My love language is acts of service, words of affirmation and gift giving. Also, as much as I love giving love and care to others, I hate receiving it as I have mentioned before, have a hard time opening up. It takes a lot of trust and a lot of time for me to do so. So basically I give therapy to others meanwhile my mental health is blown to shit.

When it comes to work, I'm very organised and hard working. I don't like procrastination as it drives me nuts (Even though I still do it sometimes, idk why). I'm logical, focused and very passionate on the things I love. My favourite subjects are Math and Physics as I do fairly well in them. I'm not the best but I work hard and it pays off. That's why I'm opting for Aerospace Engineering in college. I take my work very seriously and definately not the type to fuck around.

Outdoors, I come off very cold and serious, but indoors I am very goofy, silly, pretty stubborn and bossy (sometimes stupid). I love doing small pranks and doing weird things that crosses my mind. I'm very loud and laugh at the stupidest things that I see or hear. Also love to play around with my pet cats. I'm a huge geek/nerd and love to talk about my hyper-fixations. Also, I'm a huge animal person and I love to feed strays and sometimes, I take them home with me. 😄

I'm very loyal but I can cut ties with people who have done me wrong. 100% has no problem in confronting people. I also suffer from ADHD, PTSD and mild depression. I also have stims where I bite the inside of my cheek or fidget my fingers or shake my legs.

Likes/Interests/hobbies: video games, reading books, writing, drawing, cooking, baking, watching murder documentaries, taking care of animals, horror, sci fi and action movies, tea, spicy food, rain, gardening, math, science, literature, history, travelling, listening to music.

My type in a partner:

Should be very passionate

Hard working, wise, mature and adventurous

Someone whom I can banter with and make me feel secure

Can be extroverted, introverted or ambiverted.

Can be on the playful side.

Alejandro Vargas (a/n @queenof-spades WE LOVE WOMEN IN STEM!! also girl I relate so hard to the conservative parents who push you to be the best :') good luck with all your studies!)

How you met: A trip to an aerospace engineering company was not on Alejandro's bucket list for the year. Especially after the last contracted company they dealt with (he's still getting his base in order after the fiasco of Graves and the Shadows). However, another joint mission with the 141 required a preview of some new satellites and other multimillion dollar technologies. After going through rigorous amounts of security, him and Rudy finally met up with the 141. "Nice to see you again, hermanos," he said as he shook hands with his British counterparts. They were making small conversation when you walked in. Your shoes echoed in the facility and a long lab coat hung around your shoulders. "Gentleman, welcome to Boeing. I'm the lead scientist here and you can follow me on a tour of the facilities," you said confidently and quickly turned to lead them through the expansive company. As you introduced them to the team of engineers and showed them the technologies of your newest satellites, they stood in awe. "This satellite is equipped with the best monitoring technologies and can withstand the temperatures of exiting and entering the atmosphere," you described as you jokingly pounded on the hard metal shell of the satellite. "She does not fuck around," you heard Alejandro whisper and the group laughed in response. "That's right Colonel Vargas, there's a reason I'm working here at Boeing and worked my ass off for a doctorate," you smirked at him. As you continued on, the blush was evident on his face as he felt like he was struck by cupid's arrow.

A peek into your relationship: It was no denying your relationship with Alejandro was difficult. Between his position as Colonel and yours as the head scientist at Boeing, you both wracked up thousands of miles on business flights. However you made it work and were now comfortably settled in a comfortable south western mansion that offered you excellent wifi for meetings. You signed off from a consulting meeting with a new company that wanted to contract your planes and sighed as you shut your laptop. The last few days you were on edge and your husband took notice as you declined his offer for wine and gently pushed your food around. "Mi corazon, what's going on?" he asked as he got up from the table and kissed your head gently. "Just work things," you sighed as you melted into his touch. "You love work through, there's something else going on," he said and carried you to the couch, "you even turned down a glass of our favorite wine." As he studied your face intently, you asked him a surprising question. "Ale, do you love me?" you asked. It took him 0.2 seconds to respond. "Are you joking? Of course I love you, you are my moon and stars. You are like if the heavens sent me a goddess to walk on earth. You are Persephone, Aphrodite, and Athena all rolled into one," he exclaimed as he peppered you with kisses. You smiled slightly and nervously held his hands. "I, um didn't know how to say this but I'm pregnant," you said quickly and looked at his face for any sign of anger or disappointment. You had kept this from him so long as you didn't want it to affect his opinion on your work and traveling so often. You weren't about to be confined to a house wife position after all this time. Instead of a negative reaction, he scooped you up in his arms and spun you around. He held you stomach as he kissed it gently and whispered, "my own child, you're going to have the best parents." As he pulled you in a tight hug and kissed you softly, he was already designing plans for their nursery and how to encompass everything you both loved into it. (Just know that this child will be absolutely spoiled by you too, especially if Ale became a girl dad HAHA)

[starry-skies-116]

FUCK IT, NEW PINNED POST THIS TIME!!:

Okay, once again, from the top- top of the mornin' to ya! My humblest and sincerest greetings to all mortals, dragons, demons, spirits, celestial beings and all in between and many more!

I’m your local multifandom enthusiast, I go by Starr!

I’m aroace and intersex, and I am genderfluid/nonbinary! Presentation changes from time to time but I really want an undercut tbh. I'm still kinda sad that sex-ed in schools isn't LGBTQIA+ friendly yet.

I also have very few but very loving and wonderful IRL friends! Usual pronouns change between she/her, they/them/ he/him and it/its; I am a neopronouns user too!

Also please use tone-tags around me, this user's can't tell a joke from a serious statement a lot of times-

Personality: Hopeless idealist, wants deep companionship, feels lonely and ignored from time to time but that’s aight, life do be like that sometimes though. Sappy poet and writer lol-

I do program and write and draw, but half the time whenever I program I just wrestle with the computer lmfao (ESPECIALLY the standard library like tf)-

DNI: Transphobes, Truscum, Transmeds, TERFS, ableists, anti-cluster B/believe in n@rc abuse, racist, aphobes, homophobes, queerphobes, xenophobic, gender-critical, bigots, LGBTQIA+ exclusionists, thinspo/pro ED, bullies, NSFW/K!nk, anti-agere/agedre, Pro-DDLG and all its variants, P3d0ph!l3s, N@z!s, really anything that makes me feel uncomfortable- just come on here and you're welcome as long as you're not being an ass. (and don't make fun of me for having a DNI, it really isn't that hard to spare me the trouble of blocking you and just... not interact).

Actually REALLY high empathy by modern standards, just figured out I have to turn the tap off a lot because the suffering of other people affects me deeply!

I stim alot irl (playing with hair, foot/leg spazzing out restlessly, vocal echolalia/mimicking choirs, rocking back and forth but never adjusting position, chewing gum a tad too aggressively if I have any- if not then grinding teeth way too much, etc.)

I'm diagnosed with depression, PCOS and ADHD, and have a lot of symptoms of autism and dyscalculia (because of how genuinely chaotic and dysfunctional I can be at times tbh). I also do descend into major depressive episodes from time to time, though I don't know how to recognize if they're just sensory overloads, meltdowns, brain fog episodes or just bad brain days/symptom days in general.

My mental and physical health is getting better, but I still hate being called a cis woman or being referred to as strictly feminine.

Multiple fandoms and hyperfixations, including but not limited to:

ROTTMNT, FNAF, Poppy Playtime, Fire Emblem, Genshin Impact, Honkai Star Rail, Demon Slayer/KNY, TMNT, Stranger Things, Star Wars, OMORI, Transformers, Pacific Rim, The Owl House, Zelda, Zenless Zone Zero and much more!! Sorry if you're here for any one of these specific fandoms, I tend to aggressively post about my current hyperfixation depending on it lmao-

Additional facts: Kind of a glutton when it comes to food, introvert asf on top of being autistic (doesn’t know how to do human social things), has way too many hobbies/things I find interesting to count! Absolutely fuckin HATES dresses and the unnecessary, excessive femininity of periods (especially when they worsen my gastric issues and give me stool problems)! I DO also age-regress and age-dream from time to time!

I like sweets, rice, food in general, dogs (have one, he's named Bruno and he’s a little baby I love him sm), butterflies, sleeping, plushies, space, dragons, fantasy, sci-fi, writing and reading fanfic, drawing/painting, numbers, napping in the sun/underneath the stars, stargazing, etc.

I strongly dislike spiders, too-spicy food, tofu when it’s cooked wrong, cooking (because I’m a disaster at it), bigoted people, strong smells and bright lights, difficult people, being bored- y’know, the works.

Aesthetics change from time to time but I love wierdcore, dreamcore, 80’s core, nostalgiacore, fantasycore, faecore, dragoncore, cybercore, kidcore, spacecore, liminalcore, etc.

Will update this Pinned Post from time to time as time goes on and my fluid identity changes, but for now, I’ll keep being me and I hope to get along well with everyone here!

[floshav]

little confessions

fandom: Wednesday addams

trope: enemies to lovers

parings: fem!reader X xavier thorpe

heads up! i made up the hall name and her powers/ abilities lol so just keep that in mind

cussing involved

4th wall breaks here and there

obsessive! xavier

sad! reader

angst

bullying

mentions of TW : SH

summary: Y/n never expected anyone to notice her at nevermore when she first settled in. However.. this wasnt the type of noticing she'd been longing for. Xavier would constantly pick on her abilities and looks, and this really drove y/n into a slow descending pit of depression. She never looked forward to school and the worst part was she was quite in a predicament seeing as she'd been sent away to a jail like boarding school. So why? why was she starting to grow these stupid feelings that any other girl in the school would feel towards playboy Xavier even though he was such an ass. What happends when Xavier stumbles upon a diary entree so carefully written with love and adornment by y/n pouring out her heart about Xavier himself.

----------------------------------------------------------------

first person pov

It was a freezing afternoon just outside aphrodite hall. So freezing that the glass on my window had formed a thin layer of ice ready to crack at any moment. Just within seconds... *crack* a small crack made its way onto the ice making a web like pattern appear. The sight awakened a warm toothy grin. Dont ask why.. I just like the cold very much, so much so that i'd have a wide smile plastered on me when it came to anything related to winter.

This was my favourite time of the year, not just because of the dull fog that sorrounded nevermore academy, but the way my powers flourished in winter. Since there was more snow and cold around, i could easily freeze or slow things down to my accord.

Even though yes, i do love my powers they can get a bit out of hand at times. This one time i accidently slowed down Wednesday in the halls while she was rushing to Eugenes beehive club or whatever that was, lets just say... i wake up to 'thing' scaring me every few nights or so now.

I was snapped out of my thoughts, when i took a glimpse at the clock that sat happily on my wall. it read 2:23 PM. shit!! my class started almost a half hour ago and im still here dazing off into the winter glow. Ah yes... the delightful winter glo- Snap out of it y/n!!

i quickly wrenched on my nevermore sweater and frantically dashed out the door, forgetting my school bag in the process. Ah shittt my bag! i didnt care anymore seeing as the clock was ticking faster and faster at every waking moment. I quickly found my way to the green room where class was being held and inhaled a large dose of sharp delightful winter air before slightly creaking the door open to the menacingly heated room.

There it was. The embarassing feeling of about 20 pairs of annoyed eyes on you. The one pair of eyes that i was trying to avoid the most of course, had to have a large smirk played on his face. That freaking idiot Xavier.

"miss y/l/n, late once again? thrice in a semester.. this is very unlike you. Please take your seat. Now." was the words that left Mrs. Thornhills mouth with great irk.

"im sorry miss. it wont happen again, i swear by it!" i stuttered while frantically yelling the last part of my sentence. i mentally facepalmed while accidently freezing the piece of chalk that was held in her pale hands in the process.

ah great. another awesome addition to my already amazing day.

"y/n! you have to learn to control your powers! what if this piece of chalk was me! i am sending you in to principle weems office for arrangement of outcast controlment classes later. is that clear?" mrs thornhill scorned with fear.

before i knew it, the worst of the worst had to happen. stupid adolescents snickering and whispering as if i couldnt hear them right infront of me, while i stood there frozen, ironically.. with tears ready to spill out at any moment.

i guess this was what it was like being the only one of my kind here.

"im sorry" were the only words i could muster out while scanning the class with my already fogged up eyes.

Great. The only place left was beside Xavier. why. just why.

i untastefully took my seat beside him while letting out a breath i didnt know i was holding in. Groggily dragging my belongings on the table to soon write whatever rubbish mrs. thornhill had written on the board.

"late again, spiderweb? this is very unlike you! you disgraceful, disgusting child!" Xavier mocked with mrs. thornhills accent

"shut the hell up you actual douche." i said while shoving his left shoulder playfully

"i told you to never EVER call me spiderweb again! Oh... and your thornhill accent needs a bit more sharpening but you're getting there." i said with annoyed nostalgia to the fact that i got the nickname from a stupid prank ajax played on me a few years ago that uhm.. lets just say involved plenty of spiders. Ah... what lovely... memories.

"okay, then is icefreak fine?" he said while trying to surpress a chuckle

"the hell did you just say? ice freak?" i irked because this was definitely crossing the line with our 'playful' banter.

"what if i called you a worthless nobody who's bad at art! yea i said it. all your art pieces are actual shit." i raged with pure venom lacing my words, until i felt cold water droplets begin to fall to my nose making me hope it wasnt what i thought it was.

"Gosh y/n chill tf out! you don't have to stoop THAT low icefreak.." He chuckled while covering his mouth now noticing the icy situation above my face.

"oh my god, your hair.. y/n your hair." He now said with full laughter raging in his bones, making everyone turn to see my embarassing pissible situation.

"As if her looks couldnt get any worst.." was the last sentence that left bianca's stupid siren mouth before i completely froze her into an iceblock.

"oh.. oh no- i- i- im sorry mrs. thornhill! if y-you would excuse me. p-please." i now said with icy tears fogging up my glasses before storming out the room with tromendous guilt and anger.

I found myself dazzily running a long the hallways to wherever they would lead me, not even caring for the direction they would possibly dump me in. I just needed to get out. To be free from the depths of people. Xavier. To finally breath in the winter air and feel calm.

At last, i found a small nook at the opening of a tree just by the rims of the nevermore forest, making it perfect for hiding. I let out a large sob while painfully covering my mouth with the sleeve of my sweater. It took a lot for me to start crying like this, yet Xavier managed to figure out a way to trigger my emotions so easily.

An endless stream of cold tears fled down my cheeks making them burn as time went on. I stayed in this position for a good few hours, just thinking about all the unethical things i could do to Xavier but would'nt because im just that much of an angel. (eyeroll)

XAVIERS POV (inside his mind)

This time i really felt bad. My words had finally crossed the line with y/n. But i just called her an icefreak.. shes just overly sensitive. right?

The constant thought of her being overly sensitive or me just being a complete asshole kept ramming through my head as i finally layed down on my cold pillow after a long day of praise for humiliating the snow freak, once again.

"Maybe i shouldn't have took it too far this time. No xavier stop. stop! stop stop stop! get her out of your head you ass!" were the words that constantly fled my mind.

Y/n had been living in my head rent free for the past couple of years. When she first moved, all i could think about was her and that stupid toothy grin she had, and the way her hair was always messy but kinda cute, oh and you cant forget her nose being constantly red due to her cool ice powers which always added to how cute she was... "Shit, no. Stop. shes ugly and weird Xavier! snap out of it again you actual freak."

Although it was dumb, its the only way i cope with these stupid feelings. "Its not like i have a crush on her right? Right. Yes completely right. Yes! Fuck!" Its a dumb cycle of me finding her seemingly attractive and funny, and then hating myself for it so i mock her and bring her down just to prove to myself that i infact! do not like her. But it always ends up with me feeling like complete and utter shit.

"Maybe i should just go check on her. Just for a bit.. Okay i swear just for a second and if she doesnt respond to my knock, i am out. yes. i will not knock even a second time. ONE KNOCK AND THATS IT XAVIER. ONE KNOCK. "

I carefully crept my way through the dark gloomy corridors, all the way to the female dormitories where i trotted my way up the spiral staircase leading to aphrodite hall. How i know what hall she's in? Its not even worth asking.. Lets just say a lot of stalking and obsessive nights longing to know where she resided.

Finally, i was in front of her delicate frosted door. "Damn, even her doors all frosty.. she really is one of a ki- SHUT THE HELL UP XAVIER."

I took atleast 10 deep breaths and mental preperation before knocking twice on her door. Standing there, waiting like a complete idiot to see if she was okay.

No response. Thats weird.. its only 9 o clock, surely she's not asleep.

I let my intrusive thoughts take over and gently twist the doorknob just to find out that it's been unlocked the whole time. Just as i entered, i was quickly wiffed up my a sudden drop in temperature, i guess this was the enviroment she was most comfortable in.

"Thats weird.. shes not even here?" I quickly made my way to her single bed that was sat on a bed frame of ice, breathing in every bit of her while i could, and finally realised that her bed hasnt even been touched. Everything was in place, from her plushies down to her blanket, not even a single crease made.

I began to scan her room for any possible clues to where she might be, and stumble upon.... a notebook?

The cover had beautiful snowflakes littered on it, which were seemingly real.. funny how they haven't melted yet. It also had a frozen lock which was... unlocked.. funnily.

Despite knowing this was some sort of diary, i opened it anyway and flipped through, every. single. page. Not being able to escape from the curiosity that overcame me.

Some pages made me giggle at her stupidness, and some made me borderline want to tear up. But the one page that really caught my attention was the one about her experience being called an ice freak in the past.

the entree read:

dearest diary,

another day at this god forsaken school. When ill be out? ill never know. i just hope its somewhere in the near future.

All my friends have moved on, they seemingly have forgotten about me while im still here dwelling on all the memories we had. It actually sucks knowing someones moved on to the future while youre still stuck in the past.

Anyway, a random group of girls called me an ice freak again. Would you believe that? Yetti slurs are still being used to this day. It pains me to have to hear them almost everyday. i just hope tomorrow will be better. Bye for now

who the fuck were those girls. i will literally end them tf? Shit. I just called her an ice freak earlier... shit shit shit. shit! i didnt even know the meaning behind it yet alone know that it was a slur??

now an immense amount of disgust towards myself was starting to build up, making me want to hurt myself like always whenever something i did really affected someone badly. It was a form of payback to myself. But this... this xavier... you really crossed the line you actual shit.

Just as i was about to get up and leave, the wind had other plans for me. It blew to a page which just made everything worst.

it read:

deeeearrrr diary,

i dont know why i even try anymore. its getting exhausting asf, but no matter how hard i try to get that stupid!!! boy off my mind, it never ever works. Hes already hurt me so much yet i want him.

why???? why do i want him?? Its not like he has to prettiest smirk or the hottest laugh. yea totally not, how am i gonna get turned on when he literally insults me?!?!? maybe its cuz i get to see his hot smile whenever he does that.... UGHHH snap out of it you idiot. He. Is. Xavier. Not some. random. hot guy.

Yet again... NO. NO Y/N NO.

Ah crap. She feels the same way. no no no. this cant be happening. no! so youre telling me i didnt have to do all those shitty things to get her to notice me?! what the actual hell is wrong with me. why couldnt i just have been a normal person and act nicely around her. Then again... my insults did technically turn her on.. NO it was still wrong you idiot! ARGHHH

This time i dashed out the room with the diary in hand, determined to find y/n and tell her how sorry i was that i was such a dick.

hours passed by, trying to find any trace of her but it was like she vanished off the face of planet earth.

Until suddenly, i heard faint snapping sounds coming from somewhere in the forbidden forest.

"ARGH GET OUT YOU STUPID, STUPID! ICICLE. ARGHHH" were the words i heard followed by a faint sob. i immedietly knew, it was y/n.

i ran as fast as i could into the direction of the sound and finally layed my eyes upon a girl who was struggling to unfreeze her hair in the winter breeze. y/n.

3rd person view

Y/n noticed a presence staring at her from a distance and immediately was startled to find out it was Xavier.

"Y/n... y/n- is that y-you?" Xavier said faintly while loose hair hung low near his eyes making him a sight for sore eyes.

"No" y/n muttered while trying to hide her face behind the arms of her sweater

"Y/n. i know it's you. Please p-please. I'm so so sorry, i didn't mean anything i said." Xavier now said seemingly with a sad tone like he was genuinely sorry, but y/n thought it was just a sick game to hurt her even more.

"J-just leave me the hell alone Xavier. You've ruined my entire school life here, why can't you j-just LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" y/n yelled now frustrated that Xavier was there at every turn she made, making her unable to ever be by herself, just for once to collect herself.

"I just really, really fucking like you!" Xavier blurted out with tears cupping his eyes.

"I- what?" were the only words that could leave y/n's speachless mouth.

"i-i know i've been a dick, and i-im so so sorry for that. I j-just don't know how to properly cope with these feelings that i've never felt towards anyone before. It's like, you've got me in a trance y/n. I can't seem to escape you. You're in every thought, in every meal, just in every fucking breath i take! You're always on my mind." Xavier now confessed with a red blushed up face and teary eyes. As if y/n could deny his confession at any waking moment.

"Y-you l-like me?" Y/n was in disbelief at the abrupt confession made by her nemesis.

"Well you shouldn't have acted like a complete and utter jerk! I swear to god Xavier, you've hurt me so much, a-and now you want to confess! And to think that i've had these feelings for you too!" y/n now said with hot, yes hot tears trickling down her face.

Without even realising, They were now inches a part staring into each others endless orbs, waiting for the next word, the next breath or even the next move.

Suddenly, y/n found herself staring down at Xavier's lips that were now parted and red.

She gently looked up into his eyes one more time, before finally letting that aching feeling of yearning go.

With that their lips were locked, and to Xavier's surprise, it was y/n's move this time.

"Just know, that i still fucking hate you Xavier Thorpe. Just a little less."

"I really like you too y/n. And i mean really."

-------------------------------------------------

GUYS IM SO SORRY FOR THIS ABOMINATION. IT TOOK ME LIKE 2 DAYS TO WRITE 😭 AHH its so bad but i need to get something out so bare with my horrible writing... this was indeed an attempt at angst so i hope you enjoyed..?

[yoongsisbae]

2022 End of the Year Recap

rules: post the top 5 works you're most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular), your top 4 current WIPs that you're excited to release in the new year, your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year, your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year, and your number 1 favorite line you've written this year!

thank you for tagging me lovelies @amethystwritesbts 💕 and @e-cm 💗

Top five works I’m most proud of

The Woman with the Black Cat on Her Shoulder: I needed to write it and I am so sad/happy/emotional so many readers resonated with it 💗

Handshakes of a Lifetime Chapter 9: I am proud I got through that chapter dealing with so many characters at the same time 😅 like once I realized...oh no there are actually fifteen different characters and even more relationships it felt like a clown car in my head, but somehow I made it through! And it was a good chapter, at least I like to think so 😊

Christmas with a Vampire: no one else seems to like it but I LOVE this story, okay! I love vampire Tae and Jin, I love the way the world is laid out in my head, I love cyber punk stories AND vampire stories. I love the moodtm (I was so obviously depressed when I wrote it lol cries), I love how in the future everyone* ahem human* is vegetarian 😋 I love it all! Perhaps because I can see a bigger story and it's living rent free in my head lol but I'm proud I got it out and finally finished my x-mas series, very proud I finished something for once lol cries again

Day Dream: omg making sure all the threads of the story were 'woven' together correctly and made sense to readers and not just me lol, also the story itself referenced a lot of shit...life and dreams and some of my fav fics as well 😃 it was really fun to write and I'm proud how it all came together in a beautiful tapestry...of insanity 😂

BTS as Kisses: I love poetry and I should write more of it...and I'm planning to! Proud it was well received. I live for the "cute" comments 😆

Top four WIPS I’m excited for

Bon Voyage, I just love that world 🥺 and I'm excited to make readers a n g r y 😅😅 (don't blame me tho! blame Tae!)

The Snap, I wanted to read a marvel-bts crossover foreverrrr, so just gonna have to write myself one instead. I'm excited 😝

Run Run Run, because I always have fun writing it and I need some laughter in my life....cries 🙃

And HOAL, yes it's still happening, I have not forgotten about it! I appreciate your comments still, like @illnevertrustmyselfagain yes to everything you said, you "get" it 🥺, @myspi2010 too, I ask myself the same things when writing lol, my readers are the smartest and I love it 🥺😭

Top three improvements in my writing

I feel like I have gotten better in some aspects and worse in others lol. Pacing and endings are the things I want to improve on. It was fun messing with both in my story Day Dream, even added an alternate ending 😉

As I was rereading HOAL and BV:ITS I noticed my sentences are more punchy and concise, now my flow portrays that better even if I get more descriptive. I can't decide if that makes a better reading experience or not, but sometimes I do want to go back and rewrite the first chapters of those stories, so perhaps that is considered improvement? lol idk!

THIS IS HARD. um I definitely can say I never could have written stories like The Woman with the Black Cat on Her Shoulder and You Asked for Help, He Asked Your Name when I first started, there's so much to those stories that is even hard for me to explain properly, my readers do a better job at it for me 😅 I think their reviews/comments make the stories so much better, so thank you dear readers for helping me to improve myself 💕

Two resolutions for my writing/this blog for ‘23

Somehow get onto one of those author collaboration event story things...wanted to be a part of one since I first opened this blog 🥺...even though I am too scared to ask and am not part of any community, I still believe somehow it will happen 😅 lol

find a way to write all the stories I want and not die of exhaustion in the process cries...writing gods please come visit me in 2023 🙏🏽

Favorite line I’ve written this year

This was so hard to choose! I think probably this line from my Fairy AU You Asked for Help, He Asked Your Name because it feels like energy is transferring into my bones every time I read it, "You gripped it tighter, it was real, it was your freedom in the palm of your hand. It made you cry, made you angry, made you happy, made you stand up." But also there is a really good line in The Flower Bridge that came in close second...should I share it? Is that cheating? 😅 think readers should find it for themselves maybe? 😋

Tagging: @daydreamer-writing @justanotherstarlightmonger @trifoliumrex @jimilter @aris-ink @park-jimin-isnt-real @jiminiesfavouritecolourisblue @bangtangalicious @smasmashie and whoever hasn't done it yet, 2022 is not yet over!

[jenanddomo]

6.28.23

11:39pm

hey, its been a long time since i actually put something!

lets start w love life

so i got w my bf lol in early april! he so sweet n cute. he fr has the best version of me he so lucky

the reason y i say he so lucky bc i fr try my hardest not to be ugly or mean to me, he doesn’t deserve that. me n him r doin well :) prob bc it jst the beginning still but even then i tell him everything lol , i told him my darkest secrets n stuff (i thought he was gon be a stranger) but we always havin convos. i sleep w him once a week sometimes two, he so comfortable to sleep with.! i love to be ard him, we do little cute dates n i drove us to the movies to watch elemental it was so cute! so rn thats good

i treat him super good, im super honest w him n i jst cant lie to him:( i tell him the truth eventually. i only lie to him to mes w him like sum stupidddd

but thats that

mentally

i have been doin great actually! i dont feel miserable or depressed, empty, like im so happy now! life is great, i love everyone ard me :) every1 so great their hasnt been anyone so negative uk? im also very real to myself i accepted n jst found peace within myself

so thats good

pets

my two og cats died my spooky n kingking:(

i miss them very much i miss my black n orange cat they were like ying n yang . i miss their cute little personalities they were the best

but now a general

post

lets talk abt what i think and stuff

so i moved on lol as i said i found peace within myself , lookin at the old posts,, gosh who let me cook,,, i saw old posts, messages, and everything n its so crazy how much i changed in 5 months really. lookin at how immature i was , i was so clueless and stupid and lookin back at it now it likes been there uk? it was never a good thing from the get go:) i accepted that, i also accepted i used to be a bad person to but ik i got so much better, the guy im w he makes me want to be a better person.

eating? i dont eat anymore lol, i still eat below like 1000 cals , like every 2 weeks i will eat above it butttt idk! honestly in only this month i lost 8-9 lbs:) so now im 142 yippe yayayay my goal weight is 120-130 so in total i lost 38 lbs which is crazy. when my bf met me i was above 155 so im pretty happy w that

my life been so peaceful and im jst so glad alot of ppl left my life this year before i graduated, n im thankful for those ppl too without yall i wouldnt be who i am today uk? yes i was mad, childish and everything, that part it jst sum i still need to work on bc i do have anger issues. but even then i dont like arguing anymore or jst fightin in general, yea thats what i learned what to do but its not worth it uk? on my insta reels i see some relatable posts that i relate to so much im jst like awh:3

im glad im jst not how i was before uk? rn im jst so calm, i dont feel empty no more , i actually starting to feel motivation to do sum, i want to do sum w my life and i want to help others ard me.

when it was my last day of school, it was supposed to be “sad” but i was so happy bc i donated blood n my blood helped someone:D i was so happyyy like jst helpin other ppl makes me ecstatic.

i also quit smoking so im proud of myself for that:) i do have moments where i wan do it n stuff but im like no drugs bad n the only bad thing i do is drink, but even then im trying to stop that too bc their was one week were i drank everyday but i told myself i dont wan be like my dad so i kind of stopped.

my music taste is different then it was 5 months ago.

i have 2 new cats gizmo n walter.

im jst so happy rn lol i dont know what to say:3

but im glad for what happened to me , im glad i went through stuff when i was a kid, im glad i finally even opened up abt it to someone im jst so glad everything happened bc i jst wouldnt be who i am now

i guess

im just tryin to be a bigger better person

i dont want to be childish no more i dont want to fight i dont want to hit or argue or cause shit on purpose

lately i been emotional but i think

i jst need it bc im jst so glad how open i am w all that stuff rn

i also finished king of the hill lol i dont know if i put that

[escapadeist]

palm tree 🌴

nutmeg

ivy

and chia 🩵🩷🩵🩷🩷

get to answering lol

Ayee there's my fren...

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

Damn, ik they're morally gray characters n very popular or infamous choices for such questions, but Snape n Draco, i don't usually like characters that act out the way they do because of whatever negative experiences they've been through, because you always have a choice to not bleed on those who haven't hurt you, but anyhow, i think that their backstories and everything that they do based on them, doesn't make me love em exactly but appreciate them a lil more than others ig. Also, just a blanket answer will be all those side characters in movies or TV shows, that are not exactly villains but are villainized by others on the show or they and their struggles are hidden from the spotlight because they aren't as quirky or likeable as the main character's problems, just makes me love them even more! Also, might be a bias cause i identify as a side character..

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on?

My room, oh the tragedy, i wanted it to be a subtle dull-ish green, or teal kinda maybe, but it turned out this bonkers paint that i hate now, but anyway, i try to work with it. There's no theme, because i didn't have a room of my own until i was way older and then the prospect of me leaving my parents' home made me think, why even bother decorating.. but yes, as of now, it's just a place i occassionally occupy n has my pride n joy, my bookshelf n my canvases on it and i am a neat freak so i like to organize stuff but ever since my seemingly never ending exams have started n my life decided to go to shit simultaneously, i haven't gotten the chance to clean n organize, but soon i will n it will feel better. (It being me, n also, a bit, the room ig? haha)

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

Ukw, funnily enough, i don't have a lot of 'tells' especially when I'm sad because i self-isolate, (ik toxic trait, but i feel like i don't wanna burden people with my sadness) so yeah that... But i am quiet mostly when sad n when i feel joyous, i think i hum n sing quite a lot, n take interest in my hobbies again n dance somewhat, but hey that could also be because I'm depressed but I wanna distract myself or procrastinate dealing with it so I just do the happy stuff, fake it till u make it or die amirite? For anger tho, i recently found out, i can't express it healthily, *pause for gasp* n end up screaming, crying (which i hate!!!! Crying when you're angry is horrible!!!!) n actually have very bad symptoms like a racing heartbeat n shortness of breath n have thrown up too, God, I'm oversharing! But yeah, might as well drag the cat that's outta the bag now... (Sorry, no, i still love cats, LIKE A LOT!, Please apologise to your cats, i didn't mean any harm to them)

chia ⇢ what’s an inside joke you have with someone else?

Ok so this is actually a very geographical joke (The Office reference, the kind of jokes u have to "be there for" hehe) so as i said i have my exams going on rn, n in this one subject we had to study about what makes an entrepreneur... And idk if it was a typo in the notes that we were provided with or what, although i wouldn't put my uni past that, but apparently one of the reasons one can be held back from being an entrepreneur is "not being able to have dreams", now ik they must've meant dreams as in a vision or high ambitions or something... But when me n my friend read it, we just imagined this one person going to sleep every night n waking up disappointed like "Dammit! I was so tired, i straight up went to sleep n i didn't even have a dream! This is why mom was right, i will never amount to anything because i don't see any dreams.." now they didn't even bother to specify what kinda dreams, so it can range from nightmares to fantasies or wet dreams for all we care, but ever since then, whenever there's a problem n we can't find a solution, me n my friend say to each other, "Oh well, this is because we never have dreams man! We can never think outside the box for creative solutions to anything, because we sleep too soundly n dreamlessly"

Ik it's a very, very stupidly silly joke but it gets us cracking each time so ig it works out for us atleast lol..

Wow, these were fun to answer!

Would love more asks people!

N if u reblog the OG post I'd love to fill up your ask box too...

Also, love ya n thank u sooo much for sending this love ❤️✨

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hey, I really like your blog, thank you so much for your hard work!! I need help with my type, I want your opinion. I want to know my type so I can learn more about myself and really understand me in a deeper way. I suspect I’m ENFJ or INFJ or ENFP or INTJ. I know for sure I’m N.

I apologize in advance for the length of this message. I hope you don’t repeat yourself in your responses. I tried to search for this in your blog but I never really understood the functions very well, I guess it’s my fault because all of this is hard sometimes, trying to type myself I mean.

Important data: I suffered from depression and severe verbal bullying for years, and consequential self-loathing, I had therapy and still have but I’m way better now. I can say I’m healed so my functions developed in some way or another and this might be a clue to finding them in specific. My parents are very Se-Ti (I think, I’m 97% sure of it) and I’m an only child who was very influenced by them in the past.

I will explore each function below.

ENFP:

Ne – I constantly make up stories inside my head, I like writing novels (although I don’t write as much as I imagine it), I like learning new subjects that are outside of my reality, example: history, psychology, philosophy, learning Chinese language and Chinese history when I’m European, I also explore world religions even if I don’t adhere to it, I like learning just for the sake of learning. I want to explore the world, going everywhere and I am curious about how to change the world for the better, I prefer thinking about world-size issues like politics than every-day struggles like taxes. – this is constantly throughout my whole life.

Fi – I presume this function is about honoring our emotions and feelings. I am much better now that I learned that I need to put myself first before everyone else so I can really help them and also to make sure they don’t abuse my generosity. – I learned this lesson after a very bad experience (a year ago) when people disrespected me because I also didn’t respect myself because of bullying but I finally learned that I need to do want I like beforehand.

Te – I want authority to like me and to realize I’m special, that I’m responsible and that I follow the rules (even though I don't always like rule), basically I want to be the good student. At school I wanted the teacher to like me and to say I was his/her better student even thought I wasn’t A+ but B- but this only happened at the teacher no one liked (if they were good teachers).

I also like when older people give me reason, example my parents, teachers, boss, older people in general – I want to be seen as organized and polished and responsible. I also like to make my opinions after gathering data because I want arguments to back-up my argument, I don’t feel comfortable just having an opinion or a decision without someone giving me reason. I want to be a leader (even though the consequences of it can scare me), I do want to me remembered forever for doing something no one else has done for the benefit of humanity.

I also get very angry when I give my friend the solution to her problem and she still keeps talking about it when I already gave her my advice, it’s very annoying, it's like these people prefer just having problems and complain rather than solve it as much as you can and move on. But this is just with some friends. I also have another friend which annoys me a lot because she doesn’t obey me (my advices for her own good) – it can also make me feel as if my opinion is irrelevant but this is way less common nowadays (because I don’t speak to her everyday), she’s very stubborn and that annoys me so much.

I hate when people tell me what to do but I love telling people want to do lol. – this is constantly throughout my whole life. HOWEVER wanting to me tuff all the time is tiring, I used to not want to cry and to feel things (society told me I should always "suck it up" and not feeling anything sad and we all know that's not healthy). I know now I need to cry if the body wants it, if I feel sad but I always cry in private. I try to never put myself in public vulnerable positions.

Si – this is not inf in my opinion because I am responsible, I take valuable lessons from my past and I don’t like taking as much risks as Ne-doms use to (this is constantly throughout my whole life). I do like doing new things, I have that hunger more now that I’m more independent now (I have a job and a car) so I can go anywhere I do the things I want to do but I don’t think everything that has over years of experience should be put to death. I do like some old approaches once in a while and I do value security. // however, when I was in depression I just got scared about the world and the people around me, I didn’t leave my house and I thought that no matter what happened I never had hope for getting something good out of anything. I was very victim-mentality at the time even though I wasn’t complaining out loud, it was more from me to me.

INFJ:

Ni – same as Ne – I like planning (sometimes), I want to do something with my life that people will remember me decades after I’m gone and I do want to make the world a better place.

Fe – I tend to put people above me (but not always). When they talk about something that I don’t find amusing, I don’t tell them in their face, I keep smiling because I hate conflict and criticizing someone’s tastes is not correct. I just criticize when they do something wrong (Te/Ti) but because I want to help them, but I only get verbally angry with close people. With people I don’t know very well, I tend to smile and agreeing because I prefer this way. Many things in my life is made for the benefit of others I guess: I want to be seen as pretty, competent, intelligent, skinny, sexy.

I do love making friends and having a good time, just telling whatever comes to my mind when I’m in the flow of fun in a great conversation rather than thinking how saying X or Y will make them betray me. I just like having friends and talking about everything I like with them. My friends have different tastes of mine, I say I don’t like because of X but I’m not sincere, if I was I would say “why do you like that? Why do think like that? That’s dumb!” I don’t do that because it’s not okay.

I also don’t wanna be special (unless I’m better than everyone else) but stuff like “I suffered bullying so I’m more important than you” is never my thing, I just want to be like everyone else in that regard but I do like being better than others, more extroverted, more intelligent, more pretty – it doesn’t always happen but I’m describing my thought pattern. I also know it’s not fair to think like this but I don’t take advantage of it.

Ti – same argument as Te. + I have become more independent lately and I want that. I hate being contrived by anything (telling my parents where I’m going when I’m going out, submitting myself to do things I don’t want to because of society’s pressure’s - example “you have to get married and have kids everyone else is doing” I hate it, the “everyone else is doing so you must too” I hate so much and it’s stupid because I’m not everyone else, I’m a person. I prefer when people follow me and not the other way around, not that I’ve influenced people, I wish I could, I wish I could also manipulate them so they can follow my advice for their own sake for once. (I do know that being manipulative is not a good thing to do).

Se – when I’m bored and nothing much is happening that is new, I tend to “extrapolate” and “do something crazy” which involves buying books or clothes or going to the mall and drink some coffee. I also eat candy a lot more lately because it’s so delicious and I got a severe healthy diet for a year and after Christmas I just got into candy a lot. I guess it’s the most rebel thing I do, lol.

ENFJ:

Fe – same argument as Fe in INFJ

Ni – same argument as Ni in INFJ

Se – same argument as Se in INFJ

Ti – I used to really put myself down to other people. The worst experience I had in my life as when everyone were putting me down, making me feel like shit because of mistakes I’ve made, calling me arrogant and selfish, I got so hurt because I really hate disappointing people and after bullying I still have that scar a little bit, every time I did something and I couldn’t help someone, I was afraid I was hurting the person or disappointing them. // I also thought for years I didn’t reserve to be loved because “everyone hated me at school, so they must be right because they all agree with each other” I thought. I know now that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I deserve to be loved for who I am.

INTJ

Ni – same argument as Ni in INFJ

Te – same argument as Te in INFP

Fi - same argument as Fi in INFP

Se – same argument as Se in INFJ

Function stack information:

I do get loop sometimes, I suspect the 3rd is a T function because I valued competence instead of my desires and it gave me a fake optimism/defense mechanism about myself. I did got so much better after honoring what I want. So I suspect the F is 2nd because the 1st must be N. the order would be N F T S which leaves ENFP and INFJ. What do you think? Did any of this made sense to you?

Also important:

1) I imagine I have a boyfriend for years now but in the past I always thought that it was never going to become reality because I hated myself cuz of bullying (I thought I was stupid and ugly) but now my imaginary boyfriend comforts me when I feel sad and I know he's going to come to me and I know I deserve to be loved by him and that he loves me unconditionally for who I am.

My boyfriend is very sweet and kind to me because of the result that I didn't feel enough love in my childhood - my parents are very action oriented which is fine but I need those words of affirmation and physical touch literally like a baby, I feel so safe in his arms like I am his baby and he pampers me and takes care of me and always says sweet things example "I love you so much my love I'm so proud of you, you are my baby sweet love and I love you so much."

I presume this is Ne or just a defense mechanism because I want a boyfriend now but I don't have it (for now). I do feel an urge to be intimate with him because I feel like life without love is boring, I think a lot about love and how love makes me feel loved and safe.

I avoid watching sensitive scenes in movies like violence and hate because I tend to think about it, I absorb it and I know that's not gonna be good for me, because I get pessimistic and afraid that's going to happen in the future so I'm just going to try to be positive and thinking (or convincing me) that I'm safe by God and everything will be good and happy in my life.

I want my boyfriend to be a specific way (ethnicity) and have a specific personality (affectionate, kind, supportive) because I have my type, everyone has a type - maybe this is Ni?

I used to be obsessed with being in a relationship (even though I still never had one) and I used to had shame for being single since birth but after putting myself first and honoring my beliefs and who I am (and also knowing that it’s just life’s circumstances) I do not care anymore honestly. I also only go to this imaginary boyfriend when I’m sad and I need emotional comfort or when I miss thinking about him because he's such a breath of fresh air to me, no show me results, no suck it up, just a healthy comfort zone where I can be a little baby (not literally) and be loved by him.

2) I do get afraid about death, i think about that a lot, what if there's nothing after death? What if there's no heaven? I tried Buddhism for a year because I wanted to feel part of something bigger than myself and Buddhism really did help me a lot, meditation and mindfulness made me stop thinking about the ruminating thought and made me relax and enjoy the present moment. However Buddhism is very identity-erasure to me (the part of the Non-Self) and doesn't believe in a creator God, which I deeply do inside of my heart. I do understand we can't put our identity in our beauty or money or body because that's not permanent forever but I don't see a problem in loving our personality and body and being proud of becoming who we want to be - high Fi?

3) For the function stack, I do understand if I'm ENFP except I think I'm too risk-averse for being inf Si. I do get the hunger for new things, doing new things and meeting new people, but I also like to recover in private and I do identify more with the introvert descriptions than the extrovert ones but this can be misleading because of my past bullying. I have been a lot better in the past months and I do prefer to recover in private although I am very curious about going out with friends but it's not a big hunger. I have a bigger hunger for buying things I like. Introvert means INFJ or INFP and I think I'm none because

1) inf Se is strange (I do get the urge to do something new when I'm bored usually is eating too much candy or buying books but the whole Beth Harmon-let's-get-crazy never happened to me, never got drunk or lost my responsibilities. The craziest thing I've done was going to bed at 4am after planning novels inside my head and listening to music lol)

2) Inf Te is probably not it because I never put myself above anyone else in a unhealthy way (like unhealthy Fi would), and after my point in Te in ENFP I do think I'm not inf Te because I do value how I'm praised by others in terms of competence).

As you can see I'm very confused. I apologize again the length of this. Thank you so much for your time. Keep up the good work.

I wanted to say something more that I forgot. I'm 25. My parents are pretty sure Te and Si doms (I put it the other way around, my mistake sorry) and they were unhealthy types at the time of my upbringing I'm sure of it: very easily angry and not toughy-feely, they were when I was a baby I presume but after that it was gone. I felt a huge necessity for expressing love in this manner, hence the whole imaginary sweet boyfriend thing I guess.

I hope it's okay to send a 2nd message, I apologize for the inconvenience. There's more text mistakes but I presume it's understandable my point of view. Also I'm not a native-english speaker, so I apologize any English problem. Thank you so much, have a nice day.

-----------------------

For INTJ, you said "the same as INFP" but that was not one of the types you were comparing, so I'm forced to assume you meant ENFP. Your analysis of ENFJ and INTJ functions shouldn't be the same as the other types. Functions operate very differently in different positions of the stack, therefore, e.g., auxiliary Fe cannot stand in for dominant Fe, and lower Te cannot stand in for higher Te.

If you are ENFP, your negative experiences with depression and bullying have presented serious obstacles to your function development. I don't think you are fully aware of how deeply tertiary loop and inferior grip have infiltrated your mind, attitude, and worldview. Long term problems with loop and grip during childhood and adolescence will impede healthy growth and expression of the dominant function. This may be enough to explain why you are not as confident, adventurous, and impactful as healthier Ne doms.

The instructions for submitting a type assessment require you to respond to every point in the Function Theory Guide. You didn't do this, so your function descriptions aren't detailed enough. If you don't provide exactly the information I asked for, I can't do a thorough type analysis. All I can say is: INTJ is highly unlikely because none of the functions fit. INFJ is doubtful because you don't seem to have any deep grasp of dominant Ni. ENFJ is possible, but I can't do the analysis since you didn't provide the information. ENFP is a better fit than INFJ. Although ENFP is a decent fit, I am unable to draw a firm conclusion because there isn't enough information for me to definitively rule out every other possibility.

[sammygender]

things that start to really depress me if i think about them hard enough, an incomplete list:

1. im actually still a freak 24/7 apparently i talk a lot and i think people can still sense that there’s something off about me although i seem to have lost the ability to sense that they sense that not that i’ve ever really been able to sense that & the joke of it is other autistic people always tell me i really am weird & they don’t say it like an insult they say it like a solidarity thing like neither of us care that much about normality & they’ll mention being briefly normal & i’ll say, lol, this IS me trying to be normal, & they’ll go really? seriously? THIS is you trying to be normal? & i’ll go yeah, yeah, im just really bad at it, & they’ll go really? ur serious? no way, & i’ll go well, i mean, it’s not like i really care, but yeah, this is me at my most normal, & i feel that sense of weirdness like have i been being that freakish this whole time? seriously? im just me? im being pretty normal aren’t i? & they’ll go no, no, oh it’s so easy, just listen to what people say, and copy it a bit, and don’t talk much, and- & i go yes, yes, i’ve done that before, but it doesn’t work, it doesn’t- people can sense there’s something different about me, i don’t know, & then i feel ashamed of it, like i’ve revealed too much, & its like im 14 again in the park seeing my now ex girlfriends dad & i want him to like me, so bad, no one ever does, & sorry that i’m not normal, sorry that you made me feel like i was allowed to be, sorry that i didn’t even realise i wasn’t being normal this whole time, sorry that normal IS a real concept and not just a statistical distribution binomial style X~B(P,N) normal and extra fucking weird, & sorry, man, okay, jesus, this is me trying to be normal, or at least this is me here and this is me trying, i don’t know what i’m doing but i sure am trying, &-

& fuck you, isn’t autism the very condition where you can’t be fucking normal? sorry im shit at masking, sorry there’s still something discernibly different about me even when i do everything right, sorry there always has been. i know you’re not malicious and i know no one usually ever is but it hurts when everyone assumes you’re this way on purpose and not because you have no other way to be; & yes it’s nice to be thought of as strong but it also means people say cruel shit to you and you just have to laugh; & that’s not even directed at the conversation i had today even though a lot of thjs post is; & im not mad at him or anything if i’m honest i find it hard to get mad at people that i haven’t already dehumanised even though i have anger issues and i’m angry all the time but like i’m just a little sad i guess because this is exactly what always happens; &, like, i remember my ex would act like if i started dressing like a normal girl i’d be normal and well-liked, like that was an option available to me. but i’ve tried it, i have, i have. if anything i just get freakier and less likeable because they expect me to be like them; there’s that sense of a funhouse mirror, of— what’s the name of that fucking syndrome. it’s a little weird, a little unsettling. right? & when i was seven i figured out that if i acted like i was weird on purpose i could pretend it to myself as well, and, that way, when they all rejected me, i could pretend that i’d let that happen, chosen it even, and that i could simply stop being weird at any time and have them back, and i was choosing not to; & it’s amazing what the delusion of choice makes better; & i’ve done it all, that’s the thing, i’ve tried being normal and i’ve tried eating healthy and eating badly and eating normally or maybe not that last one, & i’ve worn all the clothes and been a girl & a boy & an everything in between, & i’ve done workbooks & taken tests & cried to my parents & repressed everything & tried to kill myself & stopped killing myself. & i’ve smoked fags & drunk vodka & been crazy as a result & not as a result & hopped trains & bought lighters on a child ticket & all these sorts of normal normal crazy normal things that get all unhinged when i do them because something about me is just inherently too much i guess; & i’ve done it all, i have, i promise, and i’ve written about it 100000 times over, and i’ve faked and i’ve lied and i’ve copied other people and i’ve stayed silent and restricted my company to only one other person, and most of all i’ve exercised and journaled and practiced positive self talk and i’ve done it all, i really have, and-

& im still like this. fuck. fuck holy shit. oh my god. i am still like this