#miss sad wet failure detective from book one bring them back

[fooltofancy]

book 3 feels veeeeery much like someone tellin a story with beats they know they wanna hit but they're not QUITE sure how they wanna get there? so everything between the two or three mildly interesting bits of story is just filler.

[along-came-atsushi]

Novel Recap: Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam

Prologue & Chapter 1

Man, it’s been some time since I’ve started this little series. And originally I wanted to do Dark Era first. But since 2020 has been a shit year so far I’m not in the mood to read even more depressing stuff. So, I decided for something a little brighter.

Also: “Recap”, that was the word I was looking for, after I failed to come up with a proper name lol.

As most of you probably already know the first light novel is the original story from season 1, episodes 6 & 7. But it’s without Atsushi, since Atsushi hasn’t been introduced as a main character yet. They also gave some of Dazai’s original lines to Atsushi, which I think is not the best decision, since it alters the characterization. There are also some heavy differences between the novel and its anime counterpart. I personally prefer the novel.

But anyway, let’s get started, we’re inside Kunikida’s mind the whole time. This is going to be fun.

The prologue begins with Kunikida explaining what his ideals are, how he met his ideals, why he married his ideals, and when he plans to have babies with his ideals.

My name is Doppo Kunikida, an idealist who lives in reality, a realist who pursues ideals.

I have this stupid mug I bought back when I started studying. It will now forever remind me of Kunikida:

And this is a record of the struggles between a man who yearns for the realization of ideals and a new hire destined to interfere with them.

The following interference of ideals took place between 5 pm and 6 pm [ding ding]

Also here are some interesting excerpts from his ideals...notebook...diary... ideals-diary. I’m gonna call it that now:

Takekoshi came to my house. We took a stroll under the moonlight together.

Ha, gAAAAAAAAYYYY.

I ate a pear. It wasn’t sweet.

Then why did you eat it in the first place????

The story continues to turn into a beginning of a Brooklyn 99 episode, but it’s with Dazai and Kunikida chasing some random thief. Come to think about it, isn’t the ADA supposed to take only cases the police can’t deal with? Guess the police in the BSD universe is even more incompetent than I thought.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s all according to plan. More importantly, guess what I just saw.”

“I don’t care!”

“It’s this incredibly rare book called ‘The Complete Suicide’. I’ve been searching all over for it, and I just noticed it on display in the used bookstore back there-- Ah! I have to go back and buy it before someone else does.”

And that’s how Dazai met the love of his life. Can we also talk about that the title “The Complete Suicide” sounds rather strange? Especially when I translate it into German: “Der Komplette Selbstmord”. Oh god, fuck off, book!

But no matter how twisted my partner’s interests are, no matter how much he tries to sabotage the mission, I will not allow the criminal to escape for failure is not written in my schedule.

“For failure is not written in my schedule.” -> That is an awesome and inspiring quote. I want it on a t-shirt. Or on another mug.

After a chase through a crowd of people they’re able to catch the thief, thanks to Kunikida’s ability and Dazai’s... uh... plan.

One resident speaks up. “J-just who are you people?”

I whip out my detective license and hold it up in the air so everyone can see.

“There is no need for concern. We’re with the Armed Detective Agency.”

[Brooklyn 99 intro starts playing]

.

And that’s it for the prologue! On to chapter 1:

8th

It rained this morning. A quiet shower, but frigid like the depth of winter. I yearn to live for my ideals. I strive for my ideals. I move forward without fear, without fatigue, without hesitation. Neither dreams nor honor will be pursued--for how euphoric it an be to solely devote oneself to quotidian tasks.

Why does this sound like the lyrics to an Evanescence song? *sad Amy Lee voice* Frigiiiii~d like the depth of wiiiiiii~nteeeee~r

Also... Kunikida, you must be a blast to have on a date. No wonder the women swoon over you.

But despite its [the building of the ADA] appearance, it’s so sturdily built that even machine-gun artillery fire from the outside wouldn’t cause any damage to the interior. That may sound oddly specific, but it’s happened to us.

*nods heavily* Sounds like completely normal work hazards to me, don’t know what you’re talking about.

Kunikida tells us that he checks his schedule many times. Like... really many times. Probably also while using the bathroom. I don’t know if this is a normal behaviour, but okay. So he goes to work and finds Dazai being high thanks to shrooms, dancing around in the office, to everyone’s demise.

“Whoa there’s a giant sea anemone outside the window, Kunikida! A banana... It’s eating a banana! And it’s even removing the white stringy bits!”

Yes, this man is a terrifying genius and an ex-Port Mafia executive.

Man, I should try these mushrooms one day, too. Dazai’s visions really sound entertaining.

I pour coffee into my mug as I always do.

I really hope we share the same mug, Kunikida! Don’t disappoint me!

But now, I don’t want to hide my all time fav quote from Dazai from you:

“Oh, I’ve got it. I need to take off my clothes. I need to get naked to get higher ratings! It’s simple, really! Let us undress! After that, we can all put on full-body thighs, go to the bank, and dance the hopak!”

Yes, this man is a terrifying genius and an ex-Port Mafia executive.

I land a roundhouse kick to the back of Dazai’s head, knocking him against the wall and rendering him unconscious.

Everyone in the ADA after that:

.

We’re told how Kunikida and Dazai met and the day he was introduced as a new employee into the ADA

In that moment, I suddenly sense a cold, piercing light in his eyes, as if he were calmly evaluating his senior--no, as if he were staring into my very soul through the eyes of a heavenly, enlightened sage. [...] Was I seeing things? Could my mind have been playing tricks on me?

Dazai uses Leer. It’s very effective.

If you only know the anime version, than you completely missed the fact that Fukuzawa and Kunikida had a conversation about Dazai. They both realize that there must be something wrong about his alleged background, because it doesn’t quite add up. And then there is also the fact that his ability is extremely dangerous.

“I would like you to bring Dazai with you while you work and see if he can be trusted. If you ever feel he could be an emissary, intelligence operative, or spy of some sort, then you are to fire him without hesitation. However, if you sense any sign of wickedness in his heart...”

The president takes a black automatic pistol out from a bag behind him, then presents it to me.

You do not fuck with shachou and his family.

.

The next day they meet with a teenage hacker boy called Rokuzu, because the ADA received an anonymous email requesting them to investigate a haunted building. And since neither the Ghostbusters nor the Winchester brothers reside in Yokohoma that task also falls into the ADA’s hands.

“Anyway, it’s not like you to be late. What, were you on a ‘date’ or something?”

He makes a circle with one hand and shoves a finger in it with the other.

Typical teenage boy behaviour.

“Sorry to disappoint, but I only plan on going on dates with the woman I marry. And according to the ‘Future Plans’ page in my notebook [...] it’s going to be another six years before I get married.”

“Hold up. You already got a girl you’re gonna marry?”

“Not for another four years.”

Thank god, we live in times with apps like tinder and stuff, so we can all schedule our marriage and dating plans.

The next things happen pretty much the same as in the anime. They ask the teenage hacker boy to look up the sender of the mail, they meet with the taxi driver who tells them about the abduction of several people, Dazai tries to Tokyo Drift but fails miserably (which wasn’t shown in the anime) and then they investigate the haunted building, which turns out to be an abandoned hospital. They do this in the middle of the night, of course.

Oh, and Kunikida is absolutely terrified of ghosts. *deep voice* You’re in Silent Hill, son.

They hear a scream for help and run to the rescue, just in time to find a woman named Sasaki almost drowning in a tank. Thankfully she gets rescued by these two gentlemen, otherwise it may have been the end for her.

Aside from Dazai’s overcoat, she’s nearly naked and soaking wet in the middle of the night.

Damn, that poor woman. She must be freezing.

Her hands tightly wrapped around her elbows and her legs stretched out on the floor are especially delicate.

Uuuhhh.... Kunikida? Dunno if this is the right moment to-

The clothes clinging to her body sketch the outline of an alluring figure.

This man needs a hug.

I feel almost as if I could see through her remarkably fine porcelain skin.

Maybe a little bit more than just a hug.

Wet hair clings to her nape as water drips onto her chest.

Kunikida STAHP!

I avert my gaze for absolutely no reason.

“absolutely no reason” -> PFFFFFFFF. Sasaki tells them that there are other people trapped here and wants to lead Dazai and Kunikida to them.

“... Wait.” I place a hand on Miss Sasaki’’s shoulder, stopping her. “Dazai, what do you think?”

“The way she’s dressed makes me feel things,” he says with a straight face.

“Be serious.!”

“with a straight face” -> so no feeling things at all? Dazai stop playing straight already. Even Kunikida doesn’t buy it anymore.

Anyways Dazai thinks Sasaki’s story is a little bit too convenient. They’re searching for the other victims trapped here, but when they find them it’s already too late, since a poison gas trap somehow activates and they have to retreat.

[hajimes-erect-ahoge]

Postmortem- Chapter 5

Kokichi goes to the emergency room.

ao3

“Ouma-kun, how are you feel- Ouma-kun?!”

A nurse had walked in to check on Ouma after hearing about the incident in the dining hall, only to be met with a horrifying sight: Ouma had a knife to his throat of his own will, and tears were streaming down his face while his whole body was shaking.

Upon hearing the nurse speak, Ouma opened his eyes to look at her with big, fearful eyes.  He instinctively lowered the knife to make it look like he wasn’t just about to slit his own throat, but it was too late: The nurse had already rushed over to his side, reaching to confiscate the knife. She grabbed it from his shaking hand with ease, despite Ouma’s cries and protests.

“No! What are you doing?! Give it back!!” He reached to grab the knife back from the nurse, but she held it out of his reach.

“Please calm down, Ouma-kun!” The nurse pulled out a handheld device and pressed a button on it, alerting the other staff of what was going on. Immediately, a siren started blaring from somewhere in the room and red lights began flashing. While it seems far-fetched, having patients in the Team Danganronpa hospital try to kill themselves was awfully common, so they implemented these security measures so that all the nurses could identify the room where the problem was and quickly meet there.

Within seconds, about half a dozen other nurses arrived in Ouma’s room, prepared to deal with the crisis.

”No! You can’t do this! You don’t understand! Why can’t you just let me die already?!” Ouma leapt out of his bed to try and grab the knife from the nurse from a shorter distance, but was immediately held back by two other nurses. Being considerably stronger than his sickly form, they lifted him up off the ground.

”Let me fucking go!” Ouma sobbed, kicking and thrashing about in their hold. ”Just let me fucking kill myself already!”

“We need a sedative!” One of the nurses holding him called.

“I’ve got one!” Another nurse responded, walking up to Ouma and the other two nurses with a sedative in hand.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” He screamed, panicking once he saw the needle. ”Let me fucking go!” His sobs returned in full force, wet tears falling down his cheeks. “Please… Just let me die…”

“We need a stretcher!” A nurse shouted as she injected Ouma with the sedative. After a few more seconds of struggling he relaxed, going limp in the arms of the nurses that held him.

“On it!” Another nurse shouted, exiting the room to go get a stretcher for Ouma.

Opening the door, the nurse exited Ouma’s room, running into none other than…

“Momota-kun!” the nurse was a bit surprised to see him, as she assumed everyone was still gathered in the dining hall.

“Uh, hi…” he said awkwardly, scratching at the back of his neck. He averted his gaze. “What’s going on in there? I came to check on Ouma, but then I saw a bunch of nurses heading in there and I heard him screaming, so…”

“Ouma-kun was about to slit his own throat with a knife when one of the nurses walked in and alerted the rest of us. We had to sedate him, and I’m on my way to get a stretcher so we can bring him to the emergency room.”

“Shit, I’m sorry for interrupting you! Just, uh… Take good care of him, okay?” Momota replied.

The nurse nodded in response and headed to get a stretcher for Ouma.

-------

When Ouma awoke, he found himself in a room that he was completely unfamiliar with. At first, he assumed he was in his own hospital room, but then he remembered what happened. His memories were fuzzy, but he vaguely remembered being carried here on a stretcher after being injected with a sedative in his previous hospital room. Now, he had no idea where he was.

“Ah, Ouma-kun, you’re awake!” A nurse with a clipboard said cheerfully as she entered the room.

“Where am I?” he looked around once more for good measure, but he had concluded that this definitely wasn’t his previous hospital room.

“You’re in the emergency room. You gave us all quite a scare with that stunt you tried to pull before!” the nurse was unusually upbeat, most likely because she wanted to put Ouma at ease. But instead, it had the opposite effect, making him feel on edge at her out of place attitude.

She pulled over a chair and sat next to the bed that Ouma was situated in. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have to ask you a few questions, okay?”

Ouma nodded.

“Do you know why you’re in the emergency room?” she asked.

“No shit.” he replied curtly.

The nurse continued without missing a beat after writing something down on the paper on her clipboard. “What did you do to end up in the emergency room?”

Ouma rolled his eyes. Both him and the nurse knew why he was in here. Was it really necessary to ask him that?

“Like you don’t already know.” he spat.

“Ouma-kun, please… it’s just protocol.” the nurse said with a sad smile on her face.

Ouma sighed. “...I tried to kill myself.”

The nurse continued writing on her clipboard before continuing to ask him a series of repetitive questions about why he tried to kill himself. Ouma found himself rolling his eyes at every question the nurse asked, not seeing the point in asking him things that both of them already knew.

“Alright, that’s it! The therapist will be coming in shortly to talk to you about what happened. Try and relax until then, okay?” the nurse reassured him before exiting the room.

Once he was alone, Ouma found himself recollecting the events that led him here. He clearly recalled Harukawa threatening him in the dining hall, as well as bringing the knife back to his room with him. His memories after that point were fuzzy, but he still remembered crying as he brought the knife to his throat and then kicking and screaming as he was sedated by the nurses. After that, he woke up in the emergency room, leading him to where he was now.

Looking around the room, he noticed that there weren’t any windows, eliminating the possibility of him jumping out of one and ending his life that way. His grip on the blankets of the hospital bed tightened. Why couldn’t he just die already? It’s not like anyone wanted him here anyway.

His thoughts were interrupted by someone knocking on the door and then entering the room.

“Good afternoon, Ouma-kun.” Another lady with a clipboard greeted him. At this point, there was no telling any of them apart. “From this point forward, I will be your personal therapist provided by Team Danganronpa.” Ugh, just hearing the word “Danganronpa” made his stomach lurch. This therapist probably didn’t give two shits about him anyway. Not like he even needed a therapist, Ouma thought; He was perfectly capable of handling his problems by himself.

And if being perfectly capable of handling his problems meant trying to slit his own throat, then Ouma was 100% correct. However, Ouma was much more transparent than he wanted to be in this regard; The nurses, as well as his former “classmates”, knew that he needed help. After all, they all needed help coping after experiencing the killing game. But Ouma was the only one in still denial, insisting on handling everything by himself.

He didn’t bother to greet the therapist, opting to just sit there ruminating in his own thoughts.

“Do you know why I’m here to talk to you?”

Oh my god not this bullshit again. Ouma rolled his eyes into another dimension.

The therapist just chuckled.

“Don’t worry, I’m not only here because of the suicide incident. All participants of Danganronpa are required to see a personal therapist, so I would’ve had to talk to you eventually anyway.” The therapist paused for a second before continuing at the lack of a response from Ouma. “So, how are you feeling?”

“Peachy.”

“Why don’t we talk about what happened today?

“...”

“Harukawa-san threatened you in the dining hall, correct? How did that make you feel?”

“Shitty.”

“And why is that?”

“...Huh?”

“For example, many patients who attempt suicide after participating in Danganronpa do so because they feel unwanted by their peers after the actions they took in-game. Do you think that applies to you?”

Ouma just glared at her. How dare she attempt to read him as if he were an open book!

The therapist sighed before writing something down on her clipboard.

“Well, Ouma-kun?”

He had to bite down on his tongue to prevent himself from lashing out at her.

“...Sure. If that’s how you want to explain it then go ahead.”

“Ouma-kun.” she set aside her clipboard to gaze intently into his eyes. “I understand that this is difficult for you, especially after all the walls that you built around yourself during the killing game. But you have to understand that-”

“I don’t have to understand shit!” he shouted, slamming his fists on the bed.

“Ouma-kun… if you continue to be uncooperative, you won’t gain anything out of these therapy sessions. Don’t you want to feel better about yourself and get along with your classmates?”

Ouma turned himself around in his bed, facing the other direction.

“...I’ll leave you alone for now, I suppose.” The therapist picked up her clipboard and exited the room.

When he was sure he was alone, Ouma began to cry to himself. Damn that stupid therapist for thinking she can get a read on him! No one was supposed to be able to do that, not even the Ultimate Detective himself! Well, the former Ultimate Detective, because apparently not even their talents were real.

Ouma wanted nothing more than to rid this world of himself. The only other alternative to that would be to exit this hospital and never see any of his former classmates again, but since all of his memories were fabricated by Team Danganronpa, he had no real family or friends to turn to. Thus, the only viable solution to his suffering was to kill himself.

You’re just a fucking failure. Look at you, you couldn’t even succeed in fucking killing yourself. How pathetic. No wonder your plan in the killing game failed.

Pulling the covers of the blanket over his head, Ouma closed his eyes and cried, trying to will himself to go to sleep.

-------

“Please! Even if it’s only for a few minutes, just let me talk to him!”

“I understand why you’re concerned, Momota-kun…” the nurse replied. “But I think it’s better for Ouma-kun to rest for now.”

The nurse turned to walk away, but Momota impulsively grabbed onto her arm to stop her.

“You don’t understand! Ouma, he…” Momota averted his gaze, clenching and unclenching his fists. “I’m the only one who can get through to him. I talked to him in the hangar without that mask of his on, I’m the only one who he can have a serious conversation with. Just please let me talk to him.”

“Fine, just… be careful with him.” The nurse said begrudgingly. “He’s highly unstable and hasn’t been responding to therapy very well, so who knows if he’ll open up to you…”

“Don’t worry about it! Leave it to Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!” he pounded his fists together, flashing his signature determined smile.

The nurse smiled at him. “Good luck, Momota-kun!”

Momota made his way to the emergency room that he was told Ouma was in and knocked on the door.

-------

Ouma was mid-nap when he heard a knock on the door, waking him from his slumber. He sat up and sighed to himself, not wanting to have to talk to a nurse or his therapist again. When the knocking didn’t cease, he pushed himself off the bed and answered the door himself.

“...Momota-chan?”