paulsonsgf

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

My mom sent a text on Wednesday night about my airway stuff, and I was going to have a call with her and my dad (who overall give weird Very Divorced energy together) on Wednesday night, and then we rescheduled it to today because N couldn't make it on Friday, and like..... I've been so fucking stressed since roughly 11 PM on Wednesday because all this has been happening

And it turns out a lot of it could have been a lot less stressful by my mom saying "We don't have a specific plan or timeline yet, but here are these medical options for follow up in the next [insert period of time]" instead of [her and my dad] phrasing it like "So we called your pediatric Complex Airway hospital (without you remembering we talked about this), these are the options going forward, and I believe your new complex airway doctor doesn't have the level of skill/knowledge/expertise compared to the doctor at pediatric Complex Airway hospital"

Shoutout to N for being on the call and recording it so we can refer to it later, and having my back (metaphorically) and holding my hand at times throughout it. They're also going to be able to get my records, so they can start understanding what the fuck is/was going on with my airway. I really love and appreciate them so much. 💕💕💕

Overall re: my parents I'm very Aaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Time to chill under a weighted blanket and watch as much Catfish as I need to to chill the fuck out.

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

My mom and I were talking about various things (after I had my most recent seizure, it was just the two of us waiting together), and she mentioned that I'm growing "a little beardy" and she said "Between you and S.*, you have one facial hair!"

*19 year old brother, cis

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

I asked my mom for money for my birthday so I could get some new clothes (or new-to-me; I do want to thrift where I can), and she sent me money for it (a lot of money, considering it's thrifting!) and asked if she could come shopping with me.

I forgot she likes clothes shopping.

I had this moment again where I'm not sure what she knows about my gender expression/fashion/etc? I texted her saying I "only want masculine clothing", and she didn't respond to that— she responded when I was on my way home from work the next day with "Want me to come get you?" and I couldn't do it then, because I hadn't slept enough.

I don't think I've come out to her again since I was going through all that MOGAI bullshit a teenager, and frankly, I don't really want to do all that again. But it is important to me on some level that she knows that I don't want to be feminine, and that I do actively want to be/look/present masculine.

I know she was generous enough to buy me my suit for my wedding, and that she doesn't misgender me. I guess I'm more worried about like, microaggressions or if she says things I don't know how to respond to.

(Vague memories: her asking me repeatedly, once, to put on mascara when I was a teenager. Her making some implication-y comment about how me not shaving my armpits was really gross when I was picking out graduation dresses. Us having very different ideas of what "Anni with a short haircut" looks like— me Googling things like 'masculine buzzcut' and her Googling 'short pixie cut.' Her asking if she could do my makeup at my wedding.)

(I'm kinda iffy about it also, because she said the principal said a kid at her school using the trans flag as an identity thing was "too much." Now that I think about it, I think I'm the only trans person she knows? I should ask her about that.)

Other memories: her buying me those cool sword earrings I have. Her correcting my dad when he misgendered me. Her asking N, and not me, if they want her makeup.

I need to keep remembering that she wants to do this with me, and if I correct her on what I do/don't like, that's within my right to do so, and the important thing is that I find clothes I like and feel comfortable in. And that I don't feel weird too bad about standing up for myself if I need to.

And who knows! Maybe, hopefully, it'll all be cool and she won't say anything weird and I'll get new clothes that I like :) hopefully :) trying to not worry about this until it happens

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

TL;DR version of my life events lately:

Big Dysphoria hours due to writing the “hey don’t misgender me” letter to my dad. Haven’t sent it yet due to being busy on weekends (I know he’ll want to talk about it and I don’t have the energy for that yet). I’m very proud of it but also worried for his reaction. But also? If he’s upset about it, it’s literally not my problem, I’m trying to tell him how to treat me more respectfully

Trying to connect more positively with my mom, which, to be honest, is mostly me not ignoring her/not only speaking when spoken to/trying not to be an asshole to her. For our whole life, and even once we moved out, she’s been all “I love you! You’re so much like me!! You’re my child and it makes me happy when you’re happy!!”, and we just were really protective because she also did all that weird generational trauma and invalidation stuff. But something happened a couple weeks ago that made us want to trust her more, so we’ve been trying to let our guard down a little bit

This past week has been the first ‘real week’ at new corporation. So far it’s a lot of trial and error. A lot of even management not knowing what’s going on or exactly when things will happen. And, I have worked about 22 hours (instead of my regular 30, and they said they’d get me up to 40), because of the new way we’re doing things… I’m very frustrated. (Edit: after talking to one of my aunts about it, she confirmed that that’s normally what it’s like when you’re working at a new corporation. That helps some, but doesn’t change that it’s frustrating though.) I’m also hoping more work comes in soon, and trying to take it as ✨a sign✨ to chill out while I can

I had a really good conversation with N earlier this week. I don’t want to go into more detail, but I’m really lucky they’re my partner and that they love and like me a lot, and that they trust me so much 🥺🥺

Wedding planning is at a weird spot. It feels like we’re in between doing things/booking things/etc. We’re still a year out, but also, we’re only a year out…? IDK. It feels messy right now. But watching Love Is Blind did make me feel better about our timeline and all the stuff we’ve done so far lol

I’ve been trying to slow down, and also take more pictures while I’m outside/notice things more. I think taking outside pictures is a nice thing, at least

I learned recently that the blended turtle mocha at Caribou is amazing, so I’ve been getting that every time I go there 😍

The next two weekends are going to be busy, so I’m trying to mentally prep myself for that

Not everything has been bad, and some things have even been really good, but overall I’m just, emotionally overwhelmed/exhausted, it feels like.

I kinda feel like I miss my friends, but I also don’t really have the energy to have most emotional conversations right now, so I’m just mentally like [waves from afar]

I’d love to just like, be in a blanket burrito on the couch and watch TV for a while (which is why watching Love Is Blind has been helping a lot!! Forgot to mention that), and not have to cook or think about food or cleaning, or not have to think too hard about other things coming up

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

What I was looking for at Goodwill: a desk for my partner, a side table, or a table/TV stand

What I got: a red tufted ottoman seat for $7 that has big My Mom vibes

Image description: a dark red tufted square ottoman in the foreground, with a white price tag on the side. Behind it is a squareish yellow chair with a draped white and gray blanket and a blue blanket on it. The background walls are beige and the carpet is navy and loosely flower patterned. There are other random objects around the edge of the photo. End ID

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

“All of the furry people there, who are like, Vikings, with a lot of fur...”

—my mom about RenFest