#mostly because im in a discord call at the same time so i havent been able to focus lmaooo

[thebigqueer]

Prompt: Catradora in a Camp Half-Blood Au 👀

pawing Adora this one’s for you babe <3 i hope you like this cursed content <3 this is possibly an even more cursed concept than bilco <3333

thank you for the prompt (/s) and as always: i rarely do any editing on these fic prompts, if at all. this won’t be my absolute best work, so please don’t be too judgmental about it!

also welcome to my first catradora fic ig?????? HAHAHAHA

A strong light bears down over the palace floor, glinting off of the shiny metal object in Bow’s hands. He watches over the three girls cautiously, a look of determination in his eyes. Silently, Adora feels as if she’s being tested. She stands straighter in the hopes that she’ll seem more responsible. 

Catra’s hand grasps hers, fingertips against fingertips. Adora’s chest warms at the mere feeling of Catra next to her. They’ve only been together for a few weeks, but each touch, each embrace, each word and motion and sound seems like a new story. She smiles, despite knowing that Bow’s watching her. 

“Okay,” the archer says, eyes glued to the product in his hands. “So, here’s the plan.” Bow begins to pace, his footsteps lightly tapping against the shiny floor. There’s a nervous edge to him; Adora suspects he’s anxious about the mission. 

She reaches out to stop him in his tracks, but Glimmer beats her to it. The queen balances her fingers gently over his shoulder, a smile sparkling over her lips. “Hey, it’ll be cool.”

“What’s going on?” Catra asks, pulling her fingers out of Adora’s grasp. She opts to cross her arms over her chest, pushing a curious yet bored expression over her features. “Why is Nerd Boy over there so anxious?”

Bow stops in his tracks suddenly and sighs. The metal item shivers in his trembling grasp. The light from overhead flashes over his face, illuminating a look Adora knows so well: feral, anxious excitement. 

A small smile covers his face. “Okay, so I was doing some experimenting, and I got Entrapta to work on this with me. We were talking about that portal thing that Hordak had made a while ago.”

For a moment, he pauses, a darkness sweeping over his eyes. Adora’s heart stutters by the sudden mention of the fateful day. Catra looks away as a flush blows through her cheeks. A shiver takes over the four in the room. 

I almost lost her, Adora thinks in despair. Her fingers itch for Catra’s again, just wanting to make sure she’s really here, that she’s really alive and breathing and really, really Adora’s. 

Thankfully, as if understanding Adora’s silent request, Catra slips her fingers into hers again. 

Bow clears his throat. “Uh, anyway. We got to thinking... what if there are other realities? Things outside of our own universe?” Excitement seeps into his voice and his eyes glimmer with energy. He’s practically bursting through his seams. Adora can’t help but to smile; she’s just happy to have things go back to their normal, casual ways. 

Catra groans. “Oh, god, are you serious? Another alternative-reality thing? Didn’t we already live through enough of those for a life time?”

Bigger holds his hands out in a placating gesture, tipping his head. “Yes, technically, we have. But... I think this is going to be so cool! I think we figured out the logistics of it, and we made this little...” He gestures vaguely at the item in his hands, then shrugs. “I don’t know what to call it. I’ll need to come up with a name later. But the point is that I want you guys to adventure into it.” 

“What?” Catra shrieks, her voice cracking. The fur over her arms stands on end as she stares at Bow, an astonished look coming over her feline features. “You want us to go?”

“Look, I know it sounds bad, but-”

“Absolutely not!” she protests, stamping her foot down on the floor. A frustration creeps over her as she steps towards Bow, jabbing her finger in his direction. “Didn’t we just go through a whole universe-ending ordeal with Horde Prime? What do you think this will do to us?”

“Okay, I know it doesn’t sound very promising,” Bow admits, his eyes tense with understanding, “but just trust me. I think this would be really important to future negotiations.” 

“Let me guess,” Catra mutters, rolling her eyes, “you want us to try it out?” 

All of a sudden, Bow drops to his knees, hands glued together as if praying to the girls. “Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?” he pleads, a pout on his lips. “We have backups ready for you! If anything goes wrong, I’ll teach you what to do. We’ll still be in contact, so you can easily tell us if something’s up and we’ll bring you back.” 

Catra merely scoffs as if the entire idea is wasteful of her time. She stares at Adora, her blue and yellow eyes peering at her as if asking if she can even believe all this. “Adora, what do you say? Should we do it?”

Adora will admit, there’s a bubble of excitement in her chest billowing up. As much as she loves that things are more relaxed now, she’s getting bored; she’s going after new adventures but has found none. This entire plan may be stupid, but she’s willing to do it anyway.

Catra, watching her features shift from curiosity to excitement, groans. “Of course. I knew you’d want to do something stupid like this.” 

“Hey!” Adora protests, leaning towards her. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. I want to go, though.” She steps closer to Catra, a mischievous smile stretching across her mouth. “I won’t force you to do anything, but I’m just saying... If you come with me, we get to have some more time together.” She raises her eyebrow. “You know, like old times. Do some trouble around the place.” 

Adora knows it isn’t fair of her to use their past together to convince Catra to come with her, but she really wants to do this with her. It’ll be their first adventure together in forever.

After a moment’s of hesitation, Catra sighs. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

~

About an hour later, the girls stand in the palace grounds courtyard. Darkness spills over the sky, fighting a battle with the golden light seeping from the palace. 

Bow hands Adora the metal item, gesturing to the several buttons as he instructs, “Press this one when I tell you to. Then press this one when you get there. I don’t know where it will take you exactly, but if my math is right, it’ll be a little bit far from here. Don’t worry.” 

Adora found that ironic, since Bow looks plenty worried. 

He swallows, eyes shaking, then keeps going. “Okay, and if you need help or need to contact us, just press this.” He gestures to a small red button on the side of the box. “We should be able to communicate at any point. And this thing can last hours, so don’t worry too much.” 

Catra shivers next to Adora, a pout over her lips. “I still don’t like this plan.” 

“You could easily step out of it,” Adora points out, nudging her. She grins. “But you love me, so that’s stopping you, isn’t it?”

“Shut up,” Catra grumbles. 

Bow clears his throat. “If you guys are done...”

The blonde girl throws her arm around Catra, feeling the other girl’s warmth under her skin. Catra pretends to struggle but Adora doesn’t miss the way she leans into her. A glowing smile blooms against her lips. 

“Okay, now, press that button on my count,” Bow informs, nodding towards the metal box in Adora’s hands. 

Her stomach flutters with nervousness, beating and battering against her insides. It seems that only moments ago she was prepared for this, but now, with her friends staring at her, with this cool metal in her hands, she feels only a dread. 

But she pushes through that. She bites her bottom lip and nods. Slipping her fingers through Catra’s again, she tips her head at Bow. “Let’s do it.” 

Bow counts down from three, his voice trembling. Catra’s muscles tense under Adora’s fingers, but she keeps holding on.

“Three,” he mutters, “two.... one!”

Adora presses the large blue button on the box. The world disintegrates around her.

~ 

If Adora could explain the experience, all she could say is that it’s crazy. That’s it. Because she can’t really remember anything except for the whirlwind of chaos, the vibrant purple of the hole in the universe, the speed of being thrown across dimensions. 

It feels as though it’s been hours and microseconds at the same time; time doesn’t exist but surrounds her. Her body stretches out and shrinks in, her very cells tingling with pain. 

And then, all of a sudden, it stops. Catra crashes into her, and together they slam against something hard. Adora’s body bursts with pain with the sudden contact. Nausea roils in her stomach and she feels as though she’s still hurtling through the abyss. 

The faint murmurs of voices drift into her ears, but she can barely understand them. Pain washes over her in waves and she only lets them crash against her. She’s too exhausted to move. 

Catra shuffles next to her, groaning. A faint breeze brushes past Adora, its calmness significantly more relaxing than the pain still racking her body. 

It takes her a few moments before the world stops spinning out of her control. Another groan spills from her and she rubs her head. She absorbs the cool breeze in the hopes that it will calm her. 

Her eyelids flutter, dapples of light spilling into her eyes. She’s momentarily blinded by the golden rays, but after pawing at her eyes, they adjust to the brightness. Green trees surround her, practically glowing in the light. Grass scratches underneath her palms.

“Where are we?” Catra mutters next to her, slowly sitting up.

“I don’t know...” Adora admits. Her brain feels fuzzy, static, confused. She feels as though she’s still trapped in-between dimensions.

Voices drift through her ears again, and she turns. A scream almost escapes from somewhere deep within her chest when she realizes the amount of beings standing by, watching her and Catra. 

Catra gasps and scrambles next to her, her breathing ragged. The beings stare at the two girls in their own shock as well. 

“Is that a... cat girl?” a blond boy asks, his voice dripping with amusement.

Another person steps forward, their dark hair sweeping over their eyes. They’re clouded over with something dark, something deep. They seem as though they’ve seen a lot of things. 

“It’s coming,” he says. “The universes are colliding.” 

[spaceysp]

Ayye we have the same hyperfixations, mostly on Bad's side but Skep is an added bonus :D anyways, what are ur thoughts on Skeppy and Bad's singing voices? We already know Bad has a crazy good singing voice but I kinda wanna hear about Skeppy's too! also if you want to hear more of Bad's singing lemme know and i'll send the video

oooh thank you sm for the ask!! i love seeing other people with the same hyperfixations, its so great! 

anyway, yeah i love both of their singing, even if i think they differ greatly. both i think definitely hold back out of embarrassment though, its a lot easier to not try very hard and get called bad at singing than do your best and people still dont like it. (bruh i wrote like 3 paragrapghs again im sorry sdjfnskdj)

with bbh, its clear his voice is great, but whenever he sings (preexisting) songs he usually gets the tone wrong and it sounds odd. not bad, but not like the original song, either. he mentioned before that his voice pairs better with starset songs, so bad please im begging you sing one because he has great pitch and control of his voice. thats also why i like the songs he makes up himself, because theres no set tone to adhere to so he can just do whatever. i think his voice is good simply because of practice makes perfect, yknow? its clear he hums alot when doing other stuff, like whenever skeppy enters the call randomly and hears it or in his discord. hes good at improv-ing lyrics cause of this too, kinda like quackity as shown in that stream they did together 

as for skeppy, he sings a lot more infrequently, and when he does, it’s less singing and more elongated talking (NO SHADE SKEPPY ITS GREAT I LOVE ITSAKJ DK) when he asked bad to sing let it go in that stream a while back, when it was his turn he was really insecure about singing, saying he wasnt any good at it. which, in my opinion, i dont think anyone can really be bad at singing, just that they havent found the right song yet, people that are ‘good’ at singing just have more range so they can do a variety of songs in a variety of ways. however, i notice that he seems a lot less nervous about singing when he does it with bad though, even spurring it on as a way to pass the time. a recent example, of course, in the new skep video. OH YEAH, and how could i forget, hes also really into that autotune thing now, its like a way to sing without having to be nervous about if he sounds weird because thats just how autotune is! i think hes been able to have a lot more fun singing using it kinda like training wheels, its great 

idk if any of that made sense but i should proabably cease because of how long this is getting nfjnfds thank you again!!!! in conclusion bbh and skeppy singing supremacy u cant tell me that theyre not good at it

[mukhannath]

Ok i really love your voice. I've heard you mention you don't like it tho? If you dont mind me asking, why so? (Its very androgynous btw, to me it reads as slightly more fem than masc although it could be either... might be your American accent) also im curious, do you have a more specific knowledge of your gender than just nb and if so are you ok sharing it? you don't have to answer either that question or the one about your voice if you dont wanna im just a nosy bitch

time to spill the beans yeah i have a lot of voice issues and i think its gotten better  lately since i guess ppl have started being affirming of shit etc i mean i always kind of assumed my voice sounded way too masc bcuz i cant hear what i say the same way someone else can. fuck this post its so long so its going under a readmore 

anyway when i started voice chatting in my discord server with all the nbs (mostly amab) everyonw was like oh im so jealous of ur voice u sound like a gril how long have you voice trained and im like, fuckin cool my guy, i havent voice trained at all this makes me feel less bad about my voice i guess like since its maybe the only androgynous thing about me… but the issue there now is i feel like i cant talk about voice dysphoria in there without coming off as a jackass humblebrag idk maybe i shoudl just own it and become super smug 

but the reality is dysphoria isnt logical for one thing and my voice is way less versetile than most voices like,  i do music stuff and I definitely wish my voice could go higher bc im well just in tenor range. its also like, while my pitch naturally falls there i still definitely have the Gone Thru  Testosterone PUberty voice since my voice actually dropped when i was super young, like, 11, i guess, whch makes me mad, like there was never any hope for me in that regard or physical regards either. 

the good/bad thing is that while that upper range is gone forever my lower range never dropped super low. I think this is good for gender reasons and to help me avoid being percieved as an Adult Man. its not good for singing reasons though, as i have pretty much 1 octave of usable chest range which is pathetically below average. Whats also not good is that my friends are like ‘how do people NOT think youre queer if you sound like that” which is extremely paranoia inducing because im currently trying my dardnest to distract my parents from my queerness haha. so yeah whenever i go to visit them i find myself tryitng to force my voice lower and then throat hurt. i also circumstantially get annoyed when i like, call the doctors office and they dont believe i am the person under my legal and very male name, which has been very inconvenient!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

anyway it all boils down to both a dysphoria with what i percieve as male qualities in my voice and to the fact that im not a woman either and i have no idea what tthat implies for what I want to sound like except that I wish I had more control over how people perceive me aurally in many diffrent situations. but yeah uh my gender is i currently dont identify as any gender which sounds like agender but its actually distinct in my mind (not that it matters) and if i need to i will fall in the category of nonbinary and less frequently transfem (though i dont actively identify as transfem my experience is pretty much the same, aligning myself with genders freaks me out and makes me dysphoric so i dont prefer to do that) 

that and i find my voice annoying to listen to , it may “pass” but i still have a very sorta mucusy voice idk how to say it…… and also like,       sometimes i slip into a really southern accent  which is bad especially when im drunk     thats what happens its really subtle like instead of fire you say far and  oil is awl and i hate that i do this 

[miamihotlines]

im copying some of my friends by doing an ask thing whoops

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? like, sms? in which case NO 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? thank god not 3. Have you taken someones virginity? no 4. Is trust a big issue for you? yea i have rly bad trust issues 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? no, ive been cooped up in my house making art 6. What are you excited for? SPLAT 2 SPLAT 2 SPLAT 2 7. What happened tonight? i drew and hung out with some comrades on a discord server 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? no? why would i? i just worry if theyll be ok 9. Is confidence cute? im indifferent honestly 10. What is the last beverage you had? green tea 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? i only rly get along with guys so i guess? 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? too many 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? go to pride and have a Swell time 14. What are you going to spend money on next? video games probably 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? NO THANK FUCKING GOD 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? not really 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? i dunno honestly. ever since //d// left me i havent really felt comfortable talking to anyone  18. The last time you felt broken? right now 19. Have you had sex today? no 20. Are you starting to realize anything? my initial feelings during 8th grade were right. 21. Are you in a good mood? ???? 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? sounds fun 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? no, my dad has brown eyes and i have like. poopy brown 24. What do you want right this second? a cute anarcho-boyfriend to cuddle with and play video games with 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? cool i guess. i mean im kind of possessive sometimes but 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? yea. i wanna dye it blue but school wont let me 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? i tried that once and uh. lets just say it was terrible 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? ryan’s bara tiddies 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? yes yes yes yes yes yes yes 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Anyone can turn themselves around. 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? a small part of me does. 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? i dont really fully have feelings for him but i guess 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? i do sometimes, im trying to stop 34. Listening to? broken from the plastic beach album 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? mechanical pencils only 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? dont know dont care i hope i never see him again 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? i get infatuated with people but i wouldnt call that love 38. Who did you last call? my dad probably 39. Who was the last person you danced with? i dont dance 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? we were dating and i was on his lap watching anime 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? dont know but now i want one 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? i hug my dad everytime he comes home 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? all the time. i do it in the attempt they notice me 44. Do you tan in the nude? i want to. the sun is good for my acne 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? yes yes yes yes 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? no 47. Who was the last person to call you? my dad 48. Do you sing in the shower? of course i do. really off-key 49. Do you dance in the car? mostly when im with my squad and we listen to eurobeat while drving rly fast 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? no 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? uhhh a few months ago for band 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? no i love them so much 53. Is Christmas stressful? no, but its lost its charm 54. Ever eat a pierogi? a what 55. Favorite type of fruit pie? fruit is dumb 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? a scientist 57. Do you believe in ghosts? ghosts are a spook 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? had one earlier today 59. Take a vitamin daily? i have them but i forget to take them 60. Wear slippers? barefoot or bust 61. Wear a bath robe? no 62. What do you wear to bed? undies only 63. First concert? some christian band i cant remember 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? i fucking hate walmart so target 65. Nike or Adidas? adidas for the A E S T H E T I C 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos. but only the spicy ones 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? does peanut butter count? 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? ...bad blood 69. Ever take dance lessons? no 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? spouse? you think anyone would marry ME? 71. Can you curl your tongue? i think so? 72. Ever won a spelling bee? yeah. i was a big spelling nerd when i was a kid 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? sometimes. 74. What is your favorite book? the communist manifesto 75. Do you study better with or without music? vaporwave helps me concentrate 76. Regularly burn incense? every day 77. Ever been in love? a few times. doesnt happen very often 78. Who would you like to see in concert? GORILLAZ 79. What was the last concert you saw? same as before, some christian band 80. Hot tea or cold tea? cold 81. Tea or coffee? coffee 82. Favorite type of cookie? peanut butter 83. Can you swim well? i can, but not well 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? yea but water still gets in my nose 85. Are you patient? no 86. DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ. 87. Ever won a contest? ive won a few art contests in my day 88. Ever have plastic surgery? no 89. Which are better black or green olives? neither olives are gross 90. Opinions on sex before marriage? dont care 91. Best room for a fireplace? a living room with a tv and bear rug 92. Do you want to get married? not really. a ceremony would be nice tho

[ghostlandtoo]

its 1 am im posting my kh/bleach thoughts bc its horribly disorganized in a discord chat

sora, roxas, and xion are siblings and leon is their adopted dad. they’re all fullbringers b/c they all have the same mom ofc. xion gets the chad arm so she can punch things. roxas is just like, really good at using swords even if it isn’t a zanpakuto.

riku is a soul reaper sent to the human world to track down a really powerful hollow. sora is able to sense it, and they get in the scuffle that ends up with riku giving sora his powers. he then gets a Big Fucking Sword.

kairi is the daughter of a soulreaper and a human, but she doesn’t realize the extent of her powers until aqua sees her and realizes her potential. however she can use her wayfinder like orihime’s shun shun rikka.

namine is a quincy but she doesn’t like to use her abilities because someone (ansem the wise) used them for research

okay i’m abt to break down the captains. captain’s name first then lieutenant(s) after

terra&riku, aqua&olette, mickey&donald&goofy, ephemer&ventus, marluxia&larxene, xemnas&isa, ansem&luxord, xigbar&lea, vexen&ienzo. there’s only 9 squads, and eraqus is the head captain.

the aizen-gin duo is xemnas and ansem, but xehanort is their true leader, he’s just in the realm of darkness (which operates as hueco mundo).

vanitas is sora’s zanpakuto spirit and also his hollowfication self.

anyways eventually riku gets called back to the soul society and he’s put on trial for some dumb reason and cloud, who’s kinda like yoruichi but was never a captain, sends word to leon 

leon is not a hack like isshin, as he’s known about their powers the whole time and has tried to help them by letting them take defense classes or not, and he’s also been totally aware of what’s been going on in town because he’s not dumb.

anyways, sora wants to save riku, of course, and so he goes to yen sid for training. yen sid is bastard man and does the hollowfication thing, and he turns out (mostly) okay.

and then sora, roxas, xion, kairi, and namine all storm the soul society for riku. xemnas gets fake-murdered in the middle of it all, things happen, you know.

xigbar is like byakuya and lea is like renji (no im not doing that just because of the hair.)

also when sora fights byakuya that first time, cloud spirits him away so he can achieve bankai before the execution. lea joins them because he realizes he needs to be stronger for himself.

uhhhh then execution day. sora shows up in a fresh fit w a cheek bandage, and casually blocks the fire bird thing and like everything kicks off yknow. terra and aqua are ofc jushiro and shunsui as they destroy the sokyoku and then have to almost fight eraqus later.

and then like xemnas and ansem show up at the end and then run away. but i havent gotten to the arrancar arc bc of the fucking bounts!

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.