#mostly wrote this because walker said he’s nervous and can’t help but think it’s because of his hair

[twinsarekeepers]

Broke: I can’t imagine Percy Jackson as blonde. It just doesn’t fit his character.

Woke: Percy having blonde hair opens the door for a meta joke like Annabeth saying he’s the reason the dumb blonde stereotype exists, which fits perfectly with their early stage relationship. Also, surfer vibes.

Bespoke: Percy having blonde hair perfectly encapsulates his character because blonde hair does a thing where it significantly darkens as time passes, which is a direct parallel to how Percy gets “darker” as time passes. AND now that Luke has dark hair, Percy going from blonde to brunette will signify him becoming more like Luke, literally starting to look more like him. And the same applies if Poseidon is cast with dark hair. The change in color would symbolize Percy growing into the powers his father gave him. In this essay, I will—

[seven-oomen]

Every road leads to you chapter 1 | Sambucky a/b/o mpreg

Note: obvious tags for this are a/b/o and eventual mpreg. Alpha Sam, Omega Bucky, Bucky deal with CPTSD, missing scenes, canon compliant, canon continuation, frenemies to friends to lovers, roommates, only one bed. Probably a few more tropes. tbh I wrote this chapter in like a day, posting it here first because I wanna finish the whole fic before posting it to Ao3 but hoping to get some feedback for it here. So I hope you like it. Let me know if you do.

-

“Stop the car!”

Goddamn Walker and his goddamn fucking mouth. He couldn’t believe this shit. Battlestar. More like throwing away everything Steve had ever stood for. These two, Walker and Hoskins, they weren’t fit to defend the mantle of Captain America. They were soldiers, not good men. He hated their freaking guts for that.

Sam should have never given up that shield.

He stalked further down the road, past the bus stop and onto a smaller road that wound back to town without looking back.

“It’s always that last line.” Sam said after a short back and forth with Walker and not long after Sam’s footsteps trailed after him.

“Buck, wait up!”

He kept walking, trying to contain the anger boiling under his skin. Pulsing and creeping up, threatening to overload his nervous system at the slightest touch. He took a deep breath instead and released it slowly. Trying to calm the waving energy inside of him.

Just keep breathing. Everything is going to be okay.

Sam fell into step beside him, his eyes practically burning holes into the side of his face. Though he paid it no mind.

“You’re not going to talk to me, are you?”

He glared at Sam but slowed down his pace just a little to allow the Alpha to keep up with him. As much as he usually enjoyed bantering with the other man, right now everything was just too much. And even Sam’s words echoed in his head and threatened to overload his entire system.

Sam, thankfully, understood.

“Alright. Let’s find a phone. Call Torres.”

He looked at Sam for a moment. The Alpha didn’t judge him for his mood, simply understood what he needed and left it at that. Honestly, it was nice for a change. He sighed, fishing his still working cellphone out of his pocket and handed it to Sam.

“Here.”

Clearly, Sam hadn’t expected that. But the smile Sam gave him created a pleasant warm feeling in the pit of his stomach and eased the pulsing energy through his body just a little. In a way, it was soothing to see him smile.

“Thanks Buck.”

“You’re welcome.”

Two short phone calls later they were on their way to the airport in a cab, their knees touching and only the sound of Taylor Swift singing over the radio surrounding them. Even the driver was quiet.

He still noted the driver’s glances between the two of them but didn’t comment on it since the chubby man didn’t either. He figured the man had bigger problems in his life than having an unmated Alpha and Omega sitting in the back of his cab. Having the kind of walrus mustache the man sported, had to be one of them.

Sam kept sneaking glances between him and the driver, his lips curled up in an amused smile. Almost as if he knew the kind of things he was thinking. It was a little weird, a little endearing, mostly just annoying. He raised an eyebrow at the behavior and leaned back with a smirk when Sam just glared at him and crossed his arms.

Damn right.

Though a small part of him winced at the way his gut twisted at Sam’s reaction. When was the last time he’d taken his suppressants? A quick silent count said he’d taken all of them. So that couldn’t be why he was having a reaction. What else could it be though?

Torres welcomed them at the airport, thankfully Walker or Hoskins were nowhere to be seen. A small miracle all things considered, but a very welcome one.

“Plane’s fueled and ready to go when you are.”

“Then let’s take off, I’ve had enough of Germany for now.” Sam said.

He followed, trailing after Sam into the cargo hold of the plane where they would undoubtedly spend the next few hours just staring ahead. And maybe even getting some sleep if they were lucky enough.

It took a few hours for them to get bored enough. He certainly didn’t know what to do with himself and Sam was on the verge of a mental breakdown judging the by the way he was glaring at him. Then again, if Sam had been mindlessly pacing up and down the cargo hold he’d probably be in the same state.

“Would you please just sit down?”

His fingers twitched at those words yet he did stop. Hands clenching and unclenching in an effort to get rid of some of his excess energy.

“I can’t. I’m restless.” He was. It felt like a dozen fire ants were crawling up and down his spine and the only way to alleviate that feeling was by pacing around the plane.

“I can see that, but you’re making me restless. Come on.” Sam beckoned him closer.

It was… tempting to sit down beside him and allow Sam to calm him. He couldn’t do that though. Couldn’t let anyone get that close. He didn’t know if Sam knew what he was, they didn’t talk much about that stuff. And a part of him never wanted Sam to find out either. He didn’t want to lose this edge of whatever it was that was between them. In a way it was comforting to know that someone didn’t take his bullshit, that someone still called him out on his stupid ideas.

He sat down on the floor opposite Sam, his back propped up against some crates and the tips of his toes not quite touching Sam’s.

Sam merely stared at him for a moment, then leaned forward and offered him his hands. “Gimme your hands.”

“No.” His first reaction was to lean back further and glare. Sneering at the hands he was offered.

Though Sam didn’t budge or get angry at his behavior and stayed calm. Within minutes his shoulders relaxed just a little and he laid his hands in Sam’s with a soft grumble.

“Fine.”

“Good, now breathe.” Sam said, taking a deep breath in. “In, hold it-” He paused for a few seconds, then released his breath “-and out slowly. Repeat.”

“You’re playing therapist now are you?” He appreciated Sam’s help, truly, he did. But there was always a part of him that just wanted to rile Sam up. Just to see if he could.

“No, I just want some goddamn peace and quiet without you pacing a hole through the floor and this is probably the best way to get that.” Sam bit back, the corners of his lips curling up.

It did something to him. A warmth that pooled in his stomach and slowly traveled to his heart and eased the little aches, pains, and pulses of his body. God he could drown in those dark eyes all night.

He blinked rapidly at that thought, only then realizing that his breathing had synched up with Sam’s and they were calmly breathing in and out together. How had that happened? Even his own therapist hadn’t been that effective in getting him to calm down.

He hadn’t even noticed he had exposed the dog tags around his neck for Sam to see. His full name and designation clearly stamped and visible.

James B. Barnes O

32557038 T41 42 O

R.Barnes

3092 Stoorton RD

Shelbyville IN P

Sam didn’t seem to care either way. “Better?”

He nodded, quickly pulling his hands away from Sam’s when Sam’s thumb brushed over the back of his hand. “Yeah…”

“Good. Let me know if you feel restless, we’ll do it again.” Sam leaned back and closed his eyes, his breathing slowly evening out.

He honestly didn’t understand it. Sam had had every opportunity to absolutely obliterate him and yet he hadn’t. Anything vulnerable he showed him, any kind of weakness he had, for once it wasn’t used against him. Sam treated him like a person. He never really noticed that before, or it hadn’t registered this clearly. It was too easy to forget when he was around Sam, too easy to just fall in beside him and joke and snap along. It scared him just a little.

It also gave him hope.

Maybe that’s why he brought Sam to Baltimore.

He should have known things would go south real quickly.

“How come nobody ever told me about him?” Sam’s voice was full of fire and emotion and yet it cut him cold across the chest. He wasn’t sure if he deserved that reaction, but he understood it in a way.

“Steve didn’t know and I didn’t-” He ran a hand through his hair, sighing “-I didn’t tell anybody because he’d already been through enough.”

The sharp sound of sirens pulled him out of his thoughts and brought an entirely new problem with it. Before he knew it, he was the one escorted into a police car with his hands cuffed. He missed his court mandated therapy. Wasn’t that a fucking joke?

He spared one glance at Sam just as the car pulled away from the scene and immediately wished he hadn’t. The look Sam gave him hurt more than any punch ever had and for the life of him he couldn’t figure out why. He didn’t owe Sam anything. And yet it felt like he just lost his entire world.

“I’m sure everything will be sorted quickly, Mr. Barnes.” One of the cops, the shorter one, said. He was quite a bit more nervous now than he had been when he thought Sam had been an aggressor, possibly because he feared repercussions from profiling an Avenger. Good. Maybe it would make him think twice about pulling shit like that, though a part of him very much doubted it.

He simply glanced at them in the rear view mirror, feeling an almost sick sense of satisfaction as that unnerved both of the cops further. He didn’t say anything to them despite their attempts at making small talk with him.

What was the fucking point anyway?

He didn’t expect Sam to come get him at the station. Seeing him there felt like a slap to the face. Not because Sam had done anything wrong, no he’d done everything right. And that’s exactly what hurt so much.

The doc seemed hell bent on getting him to open up about his problems. And as much as he didn’t really want to he found himself opening up anyway.

“Well in my miracle, he would talk less.” He said, glaring at Sam as he said it. And maybe that was a bit harsh, but Sam took it like a champ and threw it right back at him. God how he wanted to shut him up in that moment. Though in what way he wasn’t quite sure. In the last day his emotions had been all over the place.

He wanted to hate Sam, but he couldn’t. Something deep inside him just couldn’t hate him for any of this. Not when he himself had done so much worse.

The doc didn’t seem that pleased with them. Honestly, she should have known better. “You guys are leaving me with no choice. It’s time for the soul gazing exercise.”

Now that, he actually liked. “I like this one a lot better.”

“Oh god he’s gonna love this.” Sam said.

“Oh yeah, I’m ready.”

They scooted close, legs intertwining as they sat opposite one another. Once again he was staring into deep brown eyes except this time Sam’s warmth also seeped into him. In a way it was like touching spring for the first time since a cold winter. Warm and pleasant with just enough breeze to keep you alert and in the moment. It was both heaven and earth on hell and he wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face. He didn’t. He couldn’t.

Because punching Sam wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t give him closure. It wouldn’t bring Steve back. Steve, who had walked out on him and left him in a time he barely knew just to get his own happy ending. Yeah maybe that had left him a little bitter and a little broken.

“Why’d you give up the shield?”

He poured his heart into his words and bared his soul wide open and it didn’t seem to matter to Sam. So maybe Steve had been wrong about him. About both of them. Maybe he didn’t deserve redemption or compassion. Maybe he didn’t deserve a second chance. And maybe he didn’t deserve Sam’s kindness or compassion either. Maybe he was just broken.

“See you outside, Buck.”

Maybe he was just too broken to function after all.

“Thanks doc.” He followed after Sam, quiet and brooding on the outside but his mind was screaming and crying in agony.

Worthless. He was just so fucking worthless.

He shouldn’t care this much.

He didn’t deserve to care this much.

Maybe that’s why he suggested to go the HYDRA route and find Zemo, or maybe it was a form of self sabotage. Who knew? All he knew, was that this was his last chance to do something right for this world. No matter what it would cost him.

[professional-idiocy]

On Thin Ice - pt. 4

You see when I took the break. I got a lot of energy to work on this again so here we have it much earlier than normal. WOW productivity plus I stopped listening during English classes and in Finland, it's just learning words that I already know. Also, I'm trying the new post editor so I don't know how this will go.

Pt. 1 - Masterlist - Next

CW: Mentions of torture, Colby's thoughts, Ellie's cat threatening Rosa. Please tell me if I have to add more ^^

Taglist: @whoopsalittlewhumpy, @cupcakes-and-pain, @uncooly-supreme-whump, @thegreathowdini

Kevin sighed in relief when the doorbell finally rang. Ellie was here to help him. He was so lost with everything and finally, he’d have someone who knew what they were doing. He gently woke up Colby who’d curled up at the opposite end of the couch clinging to a blanket he’d given to him.

He smiled at the memory of how amazed and grateful Colby had looked when he’d been given the blanket. He’d treated it like a prized treasure that shouldn’t even be given to him. It broke his heart, but it also made him want to protect Colby more.

The doorbell rang again, and Kevin rushed to the door, glad to see it really was Ellie. He did have someone he didn’t recognize with him, but it didn’t matter. He smiled letting them both in.

“Thanks for coming. I’ve been completely lost this whole time” Kevin said as Ellie smiled warmly not judging him at all as the man behind her scoffed, but it was quickly quieted by Ellie nudging him with her elbow.

“You still did well, since he seems to be doing decently” Ellie said gesturing towards Colby who was watching them warily.

“I hope you don’t mind that Blake came too” Ellie asked pointing to the man behind him who just nodded at Kevin. He awkwardly nodded back, something made him uneasy around Blake.

“Do you mind if I go catch up with the kid while you talk?” Blake asked his face twisting with worry. “He looks more uncertain than normal”

“Wait you know him?” Kevin asked tensely when as Blake chuckled his appearance subtly changing into all too familiar villain that had disappeared years ago. He watched silently as Mimic just looked back at him clearly enjoying the surprise.

“Well, yes. I’m a retired villain after all” He said smugly as Ellie smiled fondly, before ruffling Blake’s hair as the retired villain turned all red and looked away. Kevin just watched in a mix of surprise and fear. It did explain why she was so willing to help Colby.

“You’re always such a dramatic cat but I’m sure Colby could use a familiar face” Ellie said, before turning to Kevin who just looked at him in slight confusion.

“I know Blake is a bit surprising, but I’ll teach you how to properly take care of injuries since copying from TV shows is honestly a terrible idea. They’re wildly inaccurate. Like seriously who forgets chest compressions! That’s like the most important part!”

“Yeah, sorry… Let’s go into the kitchen to talk” Kevin said awkwardly as Ellie just smiled.

“Don’t worry not everyone is a doctor but NEVER attempt to do anything without proper knowhow especially with medicine. Text me or google it before doing anything”

Kevin just nodded continuing on. He hadn’t expected that

Colby watched in surprise as the man who’d come along with Miss Doctor had been Mimic. He’d disappeared years back and never reappeared. He’d worked together with him a few times and he was always surprisingly nice for a hired killer. It was relieving to see Mimic doing well. At least he hadn’t been caught.

“Hey, kid” Mimic said sitting next to him, Colby beamed at the old nickname.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that” Mimic mumbled awkwardly scratching the back of his head as Colby watched smiling softly. It was reassuring to have someone you knew around. Mimic had taught him a lot back then, but he’d never been the best at showing how he felt. They sat there in silence for a long time before Mimic continued.

“I know you’ll have a hard time, but I promise you don’t have to worry about Ellie. She’s really nice and doesn’t judge. It’s the reason I married her actually” Mimic said softly being all awkward as Colby chuckled at it.

“It’s fine. I know I deserved it”

Mimic smiled sadly at that. “Yeah, we’ve done fucked up things but you’re a kid. You shouldn’t think like that”

“You do know I’m 23, right? You’re ancient if you think that”

“Hey, I’m only 30, that makes me young enough” Mimic said pouting as Ellie laughed at Colby’s comment walking from the kitchen. Mimic ruffled his hair before getting up and finding a wall to lean against as Ellie sat next to him.

Colby watched as Mimic zeroed in on Kevin and threw a hand around his shoulder, taking him into the kitchen. Ellie shook his head smiling fondly before turning to him.

“Nice to meet you, Colby. I’m Ellie Walker” She said with a smile as Colby watched meekly before nodding. Ellie seemed nice enough. Mimic trusted her so she should be nice.

“I know you’re a bit nervous so how about we make a deal” Colby tilted his head curiously. No one had really made deals with him before, so it felt strange.

“Blake told me you liked chocolate so I brought some with me” She said taking out so much chocolate that he couldn’t even believe it. “You can have it all if you promise to be honest with me. If something hurts or feels slightly off you tell me, alright?” Colby nodded enthusiastically.

“Of course, it was her! Kevin Mills and Rosa Mills. No wonder you got Colby out without getting killed. Your psychopathic sister did this to him. Fuck that bitch for torturing a child! Even I’ve never hurt a kid” Blake said storming out the kitchen as Colby tensed in fear.

“I’m going to stab her”

“No stabbing” Ellie said making him freeze, before turning to her.

“what about a non-lethal poke?”

“That’s the same thing but look at what you’ve done. Colby is terrified right now” Blake turned to look at her before flinching as soon as he saw Colby looking at him in fear.

“Sorry, I think I’m just gonna sit in the car for a while. To uh- calm down” Blake explained awkwardly as Ellie smiled softly before shaking her head.

“I know you’re worried about Colby but that’s not the greatest way to show it” Blake nodded as Ellie seemed so understanding and kind. Colby’s eyes widened. Alaric would’ve been mad, very mad but she just calmly explained it!

“How about you help Kevin understand Colby better? You’ve known him the longest” Blake nodded quietly turning to Kevin as he just shrugged walking into the kitchen.

Ellie smiled at Colby sitting back down. “Sorry about his outburst. He cares about you but as you probably know he’s bad at showing how he feels”

“I know.” Colby said softly “You’re really nice, you know that right?” He piped up as Ellie smiled warmly. This would help him get back to Alaric.

“You’re really nice too. So where does it hurt?” Ellie smiled warmly and Colby just could feel himself melting. She just- she just was so nice. He just watched as she waited and waited. Shit, he needed to tell her!

“Everywhere but mostly my right ankle. I can’t walk because it refuses to work with me” He said in a hurry hoping Ellie wasn’t mad. He’d wasted time and- he shuddered at the memory of how it led to- Don’t think it, don’t think it. Just focus on the current event.

“I see, can I take a look?” Colby nodded without hesitation closing his eyes hoping it would just be over. Ellie kept poking and prodding as he answered questions and she did doctor things. He didn’t know anything about medicine, and it didn’t bother him. Mimic trusted her so he could trust her too.

She moved to inspecting the injuries and taking care of them. He kept answering the questions she asked but they didn’t make much sense to him. He just answered truthfully since it probably would help him get to Alaric faster.

“There you go” She said finishing the last bandage Colby watched her curiously “And here as we agreed the chocolate is all yours” Ellie said as she pushed the chocolate to him. He smiled gathering it all up and hiding it underneath his blanket.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Kevin asked as he walked in with Blake in tow who immediately found a wall to lean against as Ellie turned to them with a smile.

“We’re all done here Colby seems fine, but you need to clean the wounds regularly, so they don’t get infected and watch out for the sprained ankle” She stated packing up her stuff before pausing and turning to Colby.

“Mostly I’m concerned how the welts on your soles didn’t bother you. It would explain why you couldn’t walk when combined with the ankle” Ellie said as Colby’s eyes widened as he flinched. Kevin bit his lip in worry. He should’ve noticed!

“Sorry. I didn’t think it was that serious. It was just that one time I tried to escape and I- I learned my lesson” He muttered softly as he fiddled with the hem of the shirt Kevin had lent to him.

“Please don’t take the chocolate. I really want to keep it” Colby said softly, sounding panicked, but Ellie just ruffled his hair with a smile.

“It’s fine you’ve earned it” She looked at the clock before smiling, quickly packing a bunch of stuff, handing Blake the stuff she’d packed.

“We sadly need to get going” She said getting up before wandering around for anything she might’ve forgotten before turning to Kevin.

“Kevin, memorize the stuff I wrote down for you. It’ll be better than constantly looking at the stuff” She said leaving as Blake smiled fondly at her antics, before following behind her.

Colby and Kevin just stayed there in silence before Kevin sat down next to him. Colby just carefully took two of the chocolate bars resting his head on Kevin’s shoulder nuzzling close. He handed Kevin one of the bars before beginning to eat his own.

He closed his eyes pulling the blanket up before melting in pure bliss. He liked these silent moments of comfort. Best of all Kevin had accepted the chocolate meaning he’d done well and didn’t have to worry about Kevin getting mad for a while.

[southernrays]

location: Fairvale + Jesup/Atlanta in flashbacks date: The second week of July 2020 + Ray’s entire life availability: closed solo tldr: Ray ponders his love life before-during-after the apocalypse cw for: transphobia, disclosure talks, transitioning, divorce, drugs (mentioned not used) and all of the general heart break affiliated with young love.

000.

Ray fell in love too easily.

It had always been a problem, really, but there was no real fix. Ray loved deeply, easily, and with his whole entire heart. He had done so since he was a kid, and he would probably always do so, apocalypse or not.

001.

His first crush had been on Brittany Walker when he was six years old. That was before he was Ray, before he was even Nate, but a crush was a crush.

Brittany was the most popular girl in their elementary school. Jesup was a small town that only grew smaller the older they got, and Ray was one of ten in his class. Brittany was classically pretty - blonde hair, blue eyes, a big smile, and kind eyes - but Ray knew it was more that that. He didn’t want to be Brittany’s friend, he wanted to be her best friend, and got jealous of everyone else. When the town got a new set of siblings, brother and sister, and Brittany started hanging out with them instead of him, Ray’s father noticed the frowns and sad looks at the dinner table.

“What’s wrong, champ?” David had asked, the nickname sticking from a t-ball championship streak of two years. Ray had pouted over the okra on his plate, and not just because it was slimy.

“Brittany has new friends and likes them better. But I like her more than anyone else on the playground.”

“Is that right now?” David had amusement in his eyes when he tried to keep a straight face, and Ray was old enough to see it. He was deceptively perceptive for his age and already a good people watcher at the bar. David knew that.

“I’m serious Dad. I’d marry her, like you and mom.”

Ray was still just six, though. He didn’t notice the tense of his father’s shoulder, the way he glanced over to make sure that his wife wasn’t in the room. He didn’t notice the frown lines on his face or how unhappy he had been for the last six years. He didn’t know that the divorce papers will be signed before their next Christmas, and it will be spent without Regina Turner. That all of his birthdays and holidays and life events would be without her, forever, very soon.

“That’s a whole lot of like, kiddo.”

“I mean it, Pa.”

“That’s alright champ. You can marry whoever you want to when you get older, alright? I’ll love you no matter what.”

“Alright dad,” little Ray had said with a wrinkle of his nose. “Don’t make it weird.”

David’s laugh had filled the kitchen, and Ray felt better about it all.

002.

Ray didn’t have a type growing up. The people he liked, he liked individually, not because they fit into a mold that checked off imaginary boxes. In high school his eyes turned towards a new girl in town that’s aesthetic screams southern gothic in an unironic way. Hailee wore her eye liner too thick, kept her music too loud, wore too much black and metal, and glared at everyone at Jesup’s only high school like their mere presence bothered her. Ray had no idea, in retrospect, why he was drawn to her, but he was. Ray was finally Nate by then, finally himself in his own skin and his own clothing and no one could take that from him. Not the busybodies of Jesup, not his mother’s stinging palm on his cheek, and not any pastor of a Church he wasn’t apart of, praying to a man he didn’t believe in. 

Ray was unapologetically himself, and maybe he was drawn to someone else like that, too.

Hailee avoided him like the plague, too, at first. She scoffed at his worn levis and dirty cowboy boots. She ignored Ray when the popular crowd stopped by his locker. Ray was popular, too, in spite of his transition and small town gossip. His father owned one of the only bars in town that made him cool, and a source of liquor for unage drinking and parties. Ray didn’t care much for that, but he did appreciate the socialization of it all.

“Hey, Hailee, wait up now,” Ray had called out, almost not recognizing his own voice after his second puberty. 

“What do you want, Nate?” Her eyes had narrowed, pretty and green despite the kohl surrounding them. 

“You to come to Nick’s party this weekend. What do ya say?” Ray rocked back on his heels, nervous of her answer. People in the hallway stopped to look at them, and Ray wondered what they saw. Was it the stubble on his chin, his recent growth spike, and the new squareness of his hips? Or was it the same kid that had been there since pre-school, unable to leave that old, uncomfortable skin behind.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Yeah? You do that, then. I can pick ya up on the bike if you want?” 

Her eyes flashed with something dangerous, then, and Ray knew he had hooked her. What kind of edgy girl could resist showing up to the party on the back of a sick motorcycle?

They find themselves in a closet, of all places, in the middle of the night. Ray tasted tequila on her lips when she slotted their hips together. He pushed back, pinning her against a wall as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. The groan she let out was sweet music to his ears and she melted like putty against his strong frame.

“Worth comin’ out for the party?” Ray asked against her lips. She bit his lip in retaliation before deepening the kiss. Ray’s hands wandered, fingers trailing the skin exposed by the black crop top she had decided to wear tonight. They separate when Ray needed to come up for air, harsh pants filling the small spaces of the closet.

“I didn’t expect it to be so good,” Hailee mumbled against his lips, and Ray can’t help but freeze.

“What? Kissin’ a redneck?” He tried to joke off, desperate for her to make some small town hick joke. Because Hailee was from Indianapolis. She was supposed to be edgy and alternative and beyond all of the small town gossip. She was different from the other people Ray had been taking hayrides with since the days of diapers. 

He expected more out of Hailee - maybe more than he should have, maybe more than what was fair - which is why the disappointment felt so much worse with her.

“No, you know...” A brief pause of hesitation and Ray prayed, dear God for her to say anything but what he thought she was going to say. “Kissing someone like you.”

Ray flinched back like someone had dropped a bucket of ice on him. His eyes sting for a brief second of embarrassment before the rage took over. He takes one deep breath, and then another. Man, testosterone was a potent thing, wasn’t it?

“I... I’ll see ya ‘round Hailey.”

“Wait - Nate - I didn’t ... I wasn’t trying to-”

Ray doesn’t hear the rest. He doesn’t need to.

003.

Dating Xavier was a mistake, plain and simple.

Ray was new to the area. He was finally free of his town, free of the stigma and the knowing looks, and the everything else that came with a town so small it felt like a fishbowl. Here, in Atlanta, he got to start over. He could be Nate from the beginning, without any need to pretend otherwise.

And Nate was a useless bisexual. Always had been.

Xavier was kind of a douchebag. He met Ray at a bar, of course, his band playing on the makeshift stage. Xavier was a drummer. He was so dang pretty, easy on the eyes, and kissed in a dirty, grungy sort of way that had it’s charms. He was nothing like Jesup kids; Xavier was spoiled, wild, a city boy through and through, and Ray craved the simplicity of it all.

Xavier (who went by X) was not a good guy and did drugs (most X) and got crossfaded out of his mind after shows. He stayed up crazy hours, usually high, and wrote all sorts of lyrics for his band. Their relationship, if you could call it that, was very brief and mostly physical.

“You should play guitar, babe, like for real, you know?” Xavier said, waking Ray up at five in the morning to tell him that.

“Why’s that, handsome?” Ray had answered, sleep still clogging his voice as he rolled over. It looked like X hadn’t been to sleep yet, which made sense considering the binge he had been on.

“It’d make you more edgy, right, like, you’d be hotter. Everyone’s hotter if they play guitar.”

“S’that why you’re a drummer?” Ray teased, but the fun nature of it went over Xavier’s head. He leveled a big scowl at Ray, and Ray sighed.

“No need to be mean, Nate.”

“Was just a joke, baby.” Ray opened up the covers of the bed, glancing at the clock again. Xavier’s pupils were so dilated that he couldn’t see his pretty brown eyes. “Come to bed soon?”

“You know I have to finish this song. We hit the road in three weeks for our tour.”

In that three weeks, Ray picked up a guitar and had his first lessons, broke up with Xavier, and never saw the guy again.

He was not more edgy, not in the slightest, but he did have a new guitar and a whole city to explore.

004.

Meeting Luci had been accidental in every way. He had picked up an extra shift at the bar that his manager forgot to write into the schedule, so when he showed up for it there was double staffing and no need for Ray to be there. Instead of spending a Friday night alone, at his apartment, he decided to stay. Ray nursed a couple of beers as the bar filled up and texted his friends to show up early.

The Drunken Crown was a sort of themed bar-slash-pub in Atlanta. It was smaller, which Ray appreciated, and had theme nights on the daily. A lot of the college kids from nearby spent their time there, and the average patron was generally on the younger side. On Fridays and Saturdays their theme rotated, and tonight’s was Historic Night. 

His friends arrived a bit later, dressed in Spartan battle gear. They did a couple rounds of shots before most of them took to the dance floor, leaving Ray laughing as he refused at the bar.

Ray had come dressed in an honest to goodness toga, including a gold spray-painted leaf crown and golden accessories. His time in the gym had definitely paid off as he was finally bulking up and gaining more definition in his shoulders. One or two girls had been orbiting around him, but Ray didn’t make any passes at anyone. He sipped on his beer, watching his coworkers make their rounds, and decided to people watch for the evening.

A group of flappers were tearing up the dance floor. Ray could see his buddy, Blake, drunkenly approaching them and attempting some dance moves that made him look ridiculous. Some guys in three piece suits were making out by the entrance. A group of hippies were eagerly chatting and mingling at the bar. Ray saw at least three girls who looked like some extras in a Nirvana video begging for some kind of song change from whatever was on the speakers.

Luci had been dressed up as an old writer, someone Ray knew the name of but couldn’t remember, not truly and definitely not any more, and kept all to herself in the very corner of the bar. She was sipping on some mixed drink and Ray’s eyes stopped on her. What was her story? The quiet girl, alone at the bar, barely hanging onto the fringes of all of the activity. 

He was intrigued, and he wanted to know.

A simple introduction was given. Ray prodded, trying to get a feel for the quiet girl, who opened up immediately when asked about her costume. Ray was no academic, but he appreciated the passion in her eyes when she spoke about something, voice louder than either one of them expected.

“I’m Nate, by the way. It’s nice to meet you.”

And it was. Luci was his opposite in so many ways. He hadn’t expected to see her again after that night, too shy to ask for her number and unsure if she was interested in giving it. His coworkers had given him hell for chickening out, and Ray just gave them a good-natured smile.

A week and a half later, Luci came in, dressed normally, while Ray was working. He spent the entire night neglecting his duties, trying to get a conversation out of her and working his own natural charm. And she came back the next week, and the week after, too. Soon Ray was brave enough to ask for her number. And she gave it to him.

Being with Luci was different. Their first date, Ray had taken her out of the city to a local dirt track. They went mudding in ATVs and Ray nearly fell off of his trying to impressive her halfway through. Luci’s eyes had been wide the entire time, soaking up the whole thing with a curiosity that Ray came to associate with her. One date turned into two, which turned into a whole series of exploring together. 

They took turns taking each other outside of their comfort zones. Ray taught Luci how to have fun the country way, with mudding and camping, and picnics in the bed of his truck as they watched the sun rise together. Luci surprised Ray with her deep thoughts, her sharp mind, and the push to better himself with her. She didn’t let him keep up his self-deprecation. They would have late night conversations, under the stars, all alone, wrapped up in each other.

She met his friends, his family, incorporated herself in his entire life.

Ray fell head over heels. And he told her so, earnest and eager and open to love. Open to a lifetime of learning and exploring with her. 

And she left him, at the edge of the cliff he was ready to jump off with no parachute, without so much as an explanation. And she took a part of him with her, whether she realized it or not, that never really came back.

005.

There were more. Some before Luci, some after. Each person was different - different backgrounds, ages, race, gender, personalities - but one thing always remained the same. Ray loved too hard, too much, too easily. Ray was open to the idea of commitment, and committed, too easily. 

 It didn’t matter who he was dating, he was the constant, he was the issue, and it hurt to admit.

Ray tried, and he loved, before-during-after the outbreak. And it went like this:

There was Rob, a brewmaster he met while at school. They dated for over a year, before graduation hit; Ray wanted to go to Atlanta and Rob wanted to go to family back in Miami.

“It’s like - you know - I really like you Nate. I like you a lot. But long distance? It never works. It’s better to end it now.”

There was Sage, a wild child trust fund girl that wanted to save the rainforest with Daddy’s money. She laughed when he asked her to be his girlfriend.

“That’s cute, you thought we were dating? It’s not that serious babe.”

There was Fi, a survivor in a camp Ray had stumbled across after leaving the Fort. She was the reason Ray stuck around for three weeks. They had had an awful fight before the camp was overrun, and she hadn’t made it out alive.

“You’re too soft, Ray. I’d chew up your sunshine and spit it out. I don’t want to see you again.”

There was Ronnie, the permanent student with four different bachelor degrees. He cheated on Ray with one of his roommates after six months of dating.

“I was bored, Nate. I’m not ready to just settle down, dude. You’re smothering me.”

There was Destiny, a small town, kindred girl he found in Atlanta not too long after Xavier. She had looked at him in the worst way when Ray had come out to her.

“I’m - I’m not - That’s not what God would want for you, you know?”

There was Jenny, a financial advisor that Ray had met through the bar and mutual friends. She had always been so carefree, maybe too carefree, maybe just too free in general.

“Oh Darlin’, I don’t think so. We’re not exactly endgame, are we?”

It didn’t matter who, when, where they were. Ray wasn’t worth keeping around - that was the universally proven fact. It was one he had to stomach his entire life, and well, it sucked, but Ray was not one to stay down. He washed off the mud, dusted off his boots, and got back up again.

000. +

Ray tried not to play the self pity card. It just wasn’t his style. But with the outbreak, losing his family, and trying to re-invent himself yet again? A relationship was the last thing he wanted or needed. Fairvale was a clean break, it was (mostly) mess free. He could be whoever he wanted or needed. He could start over, again. He could protect himself and his heart.

Love mucked all of that up. It always had.

So when he caught himself - again, Ray, really? - people watching with his eyes settling on one person, he ignored it. When he felt that small flip-flop in his belly at their smile, he pushed it down. When his day would brighten at the familiar face of a kind-of-regular-that-showed up, Ray decided he would not have a crush again, thank you very much, and make things uneven. 

He could not afford to give up his heart any more than he already had. He couldn’t afford to be let down, disregarded, by someone again.

[yabookprize]

The Hate U Give - author interview with Angie Thomas

Angie Thomas (@writerzambitionz) talks to us about her debut YA novel, The Hate U Give, which tells the story of Starr, who is the only witness to the fatal shooting of her unarmed best friend by a police officer.

What inspired the book?

I was inspired to write the book back in 2010/2011 after the death of Oscar Grant, a young black man who was shot by police in Oakland, California. At the time, I was a lot like Starr – I attended a mostly white, upper class college while living in a mostly black, poor neighborhood. Every day, I found myself in two different worlds where I had to be two different people. I also heard two very different conversations about Oscar. At home, he was one of our own, but at school he may have deserved it. From my anger, frustration, and hurt, I wrote the short story that would later become The Hate U Give.

Why did you decide to write the book from Starr’s point of view?

I knew from the beginning that I wanted to write the story from the point of view of a young black girl. With so many of these cases of unarmed black people who lose their lives, the victims are young - Trayvon Martin, Mike Brown, Tamir Rice to name a few - and so many young people are deeply affected by the losses. But a lot of times, the focus tends to be on young black men, and I wanted to show just how much it affects our girls as well.

How much of it is drawn from real life?

I tried not to draw from real life cases too much for multiple reasons. One, these are actual human beings we are talking about, not simply hashtags - it's not my place to tell their stories. But I wanted Khalil to reflect them in a way.

Were you nervous writing about such a controversial subject?

Yes, I was extremely nervous - so much so that I was afraid to send it to literary agents. I knew it was a timely topic, but if you say, "Black Lives Matter" to 3 different people, you will get three different reactions. Sometimes they're positive, and sometimes they're not. But I felt like I wrote the story straight from my heart and I stood by my words, despite being nervous about how people would receive them.

Was it difficult to get the book published?

Surprisingly, no. While I was afraid to send it to literary agents, one day an agency held a Q&A session on Twitter. I asked if the topic of my book was appropriate for a Young Adult novel. A literary agent responded and said that not only was it appropriate, but that he would like to read it. A few months later, I signed with him, and a few months after that, 13 US publishers fought for the rights as did multiple UK publishers. The book I was so afraid of ended up being the book for me.

What were you most nervous about in the publishing process?

I was the most nervous about the reception. Even after all of the publishers fought for the book, I knew ultimately that potential readers could make or break it. So far, the response has been incredible.

How did you arrive at the title of the book and how do you think it reflects the story?

The title comes from the infamous "Thug Life" tattoo that Tupac Shakur had across his abdomen. So many people know him for that tattoo, but most people don't know that it was actually an acronym for "The Hate U Give Little Infants F**ks Everybody." He explained that as meaning that what society feeds into youth has a way of coming back and affecting us all. That's exactly what happens in the book.

What message do you want readers to take away from the book?

That empathy is more powerful than sympathy.

What’s happening with the film adaptation and how involved are you with that?

The script for the film is currently in development. Audrey Wells is penning it, and George Tillman Jr is set to direct.  I've been very involved in the process - from having day-long meetings with Audrey and George to multiple phone calls in a month where I give insight. I've been very happy with the process so far.

What has the reaction to the book been so far?

The reactions to the book amaze me every single day. I've had so many teens in particular reach out to me and thank me for writing it. I think that because the topic is so timely, that's helped create a lot of buzz.

What role do you think literature has to play in examining difficult real-life issues?

Literature plays a huge role in examining difficult real-life issues. I see writing as a form of activism - it can give us windows into lives and issues that we may not otherwise have, thus promoting empathy. And when you understand an issue and share the feelings of those who are directly affected, you're more likely to join in on the fight. Literature births activists.

What is next for you?

I'm currently working on my second YA novel. It is not a sequel, but more so a spin off of The Hate U Give. It's set in the same neighborhood and some characters from The Hate U Give have major roles in it. I can't say much about it, but it's causing me to put my hip hop/rapper past to use.

The Hate U Give is published by Walker Books UK on 6th April.