#my angry voices have seventeen years and are done w everybody’s bullshit

[helianthusamoenus]

It’s baffling when I realize that the shadow was me all along. The angry voice who wants to see my loved ones suffer so they knew what I went through, the fearful voice who shrieks whenever I dare to do something, the voice who sneers at the minimal demonstration of needing space, begging to not be forgotten or abandoned, wasn’t really a shadow who loomed with its one eye watching me. She was a teenager, enraged version of myself wanting to escape, run and make justice for all the things she repressed her anger for. She’s the one who screams at anyone daring to not reply to my texts, the one who has no patience left, who is sobbing to grab someone’s hand. It’s shocking to let the ‘you’re your own worst enemy’ thought really, really sink in and internalize it. It’s hard to accept that I’m trying to make amends with her, the one who wants me to take revenge on everything and everyone for her cruel stories. She fights with me, and I don’t want to relent, but isn’t it heartbreaking that the darkest part and the most toxic side of oneself has to fight with you sometimes in order to live instead of surviving?

[helianthusamoenus]

And when she calls me princess I bloom in all of spring’s colors, waiting for her to return from her lab job with a tired smile and her long, long hair in a messy hairstyle. We giggle, I hug her tightly, and suddenly loving someone who makes me feel inferior just so I get taken care of like I couldn’t in the past is not a thing anymore. And it’s scary, it’s so goddamned scary. But breaking the cycle and throwing myself into a lavender prairie with dimples who make me cry and make me want to work hard to see them frequently, is worth it enough. Who know what will come out of this, but I’m sure the low key feeling of wanting to date her is absolutely not the gut wrenching anger and fear I feel when someone I’ve categorized as a caretaker is with someone else. The conflicting realities are a roller coaster and boy do I fear heights. But after the ride, hyacinths blossom and laboratories are scrutinized with a sweet voice and a chocolate bar, so I think it’s worth the trip.