#my dad was sick all week
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they r very important to meeeeee
#i haven't drawn anything in so long bc i just had surgery and before that i was so sick#but!! im feeling much better and i still have a week left of bed rest so hopefully this drawing kickstarts my brain#not that i haven't been drawing but rlly it's been all my mha oc's that i'm Far too attached to#PLEASE DONT TAG THIS AS SHIP THEY R FATHER AND SON#usually idgaf about ppl tagging shit whatever they want but this one is very special to me#dad might#izuku midoriya#yagi toshinori#all might#my hero academia#mha fanart#deku#i like the sketch wayyy better but i spent too long on the color to let it rot in my procreate folder
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Okay so once more, I ask of assistance. Not like… required but I’m not gonna lie, this could improve my life to such a significant degree that I’m asking anyways.
So. I have a lot of disabilities that make it hard to get around, but what I’m asking for is help with getting a bike… not really, I need a trike… I know that’s to embarrassing to say as an adult but with my instability I don’t have the ability to keep upright on a bike. I need a trike.
I live in a VERY bike friendly town. It’s small (tho I’m still limited to very small parts of the town because I can only walk for so long and in this heat that’s a very short amount of time) and we actually have dedicated bike lanes here. We even have started construction on multiple bike lanes with center dividers to keep cars out of them, that’s how much this town is friendly to bikes.
And frankly the price isn’t that high either. Like 280$ or so, and I can order one on Amazon (no I cannot buy a trike in this town) and they have them with the giant baskets in the back for groceries and I can get a personal shopping basket for the front of the cart and that would bet. Awesome.
So. Ultimately, I would like a better quality of life and being restricted to a very small part of town because of mobility is kind of sad… I will accept any help you guys wanna give and drop into my PayPal in the bio.
#I can’t go to grocery stores across town or even regularly go to my pharmacy#there are a lot of places I can’t go#because I know it’ll take too long to walk there and it might make me sick to try#I want to go shopping with dad#I want to go to the farmers market#I want to go to random town events without planning weeks in advance#only for me to know that if I try I’ll be super sick when I get there#I can’t leave my house because I can only go so far#driving isn’t an option with my nerve tremors either#I went to the store entirely for some meds an a few snacks and it gave me so much anxiety cause I hadn’t planned it#I’ve actually started scheduling my doctors appointments less because I won’t be able to go as often#I’ve waited till the last day to get my meds and still had to ask dad to get them for me cause it was too much for me#it’s tough and i desperately want a live where I can just leave my house#that’s why I’m asking I’m so tired of being stuck in one room all my life
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🙏
#prayer request#please pray for my mum who just found out she has pneumonia#dad can't get to the dr for a few days but likely the same#and he has surgery booked in a couple of weeks and really needs to be well!!!#i feel awful because they've been trying to help us out when the kids were all sick where they usually try and keep their distance 😢
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my therapist wrecked me with the closing statement of the session being ‘i think you have been alone for a very long time’.
#i sobbed as soon as i shut the door & left#i have people in my life who are there for me now .. but what really can replace what a parent should give you? nothing.#im so lucky to have ven and morwenn and all of my friends also#but not having a mum i can go to about everything is debilitating#not having a dad either just icing on the cake#i think the world is set on seeing me alone for whatever fucjing reason#i dunno#my brain is absolutely fucking fried#i have time off sick this week as well so i hope that i can process this & have a good session next week before heading back to work#i miss work#jaz rambles#jaz vents
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i would like to stop experiencing the full spectrum of human emotions every day please. putting this out into the universe
#had suchhh a good workday. had hot pot with my roommate where we talked about our quarter life crises#and then came home and had a 3 hour screaming match with both of my parents where i said i was cutting them out of my life#it turns out. my dad still does not understand what the word bi means even tho his fucking wife is bi#he was like 'so you marry someone and six months later you see someone else you like and u go marry them instead?'#like genuinely. truly trying to understand#and that shocked me enough to stop crying#do not reblog please#like in hindsight it is SO funny#and that was the point where i was like. wait is this not malice#this is homophobia but i don't think it's malice#anyways we're all Ok now#we've agreed that i'm going to do what i want#and even if they're unhappy they're still gonna have a relationship with me#and they'll figure out how to adjust#my brother periodically came into the room and also screamed at my parents#i feel bad for them a lil bit. like they're not bad people#after he left my mom told me that a week and a half ago#my brother came into her room and told her that when she died he would bury her in a grave instead#of the traditional last rites (cremation rituals etc etc)#if she wouldn't accept me#and my mom said she was on a bunch of meds cause she's sick so she was so out of it it didn't even register what he was going on about#and then today after that convo she was like WAIT A MIN WHAT THE FUCK DID THIS BOY SAY TO ME#funniest 16 year old u could have on your side#truly he kept coming into the room every 5 min and going HEY HAVE YOU BOTH CONSIDERED NOT BEING HOMOPHOBIC. HAVE YOU.#HEY CAN U TELL YOUR DAUGHTER YOU STILL LOVE HER MAYBE??? THINK??? USE YOUR BRAIN???#this is why i would die for this kid#he's the best#he's such an idiot most of the time but when he's not being an idiot he's my favorite person on earth#don't tell him that tho anyone please#he'll hold it against me forever and ever as siblings do
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#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart#on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me#but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents#leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing#if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney#at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious#intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops#functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant#obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom#but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills#it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was#meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood#but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual.#i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more#we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week#its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die#so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her#computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to#before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the#feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird#unrelated
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i just want to fucking leave man
#my dad thinks is appropriate to throw my entire bed out into the hallway because i annoyed him#by not paying full attention to him when i was in the middle of playing a battlefield match while he was going on another rant#started talking about how we’re being “forced to renounce our faith” because of immigrants like how about you shut the fuck up#but if i try to argue back all of a sudden i’m rude and have an attitude like oh okay#he literally only cares about my brother#was ranting and raving at me for not staying by his side as a medic telling me to get my act together#it’s a fucking game??? hello???#this is like the second week in a row he’s done this to me#last week i can’t even remember what i did but he ended up with my xbox nearly broke because he shoved it and my bed into a wardrobe#my bed isn’t even a fucking bed i sleep on the floor on a duvet and god forbid i ask for another pillow#then when i was trying to sort my bed out he started shouting at me for being too loud like you’re the one raising your voice here?#then told me he was sick of my shit actually i’m sick of yours#woe beside me if i even dare ask him to turn his fucking videos down when i’m trying to sleep#i keep telling my mum i don’t want to visit him and i end up still getting forced to go#zad talks
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i’m someone who sees things in like constant shades of grey and i quite often try to see the light side of things and i think i’m constantly reminded of all the great stuff i have in my life. also i am full of gratitude all the time and also every time something bad happens to me i’m like yknow what this makes sense🫶 all these bad things suck but they lead to so many amazing things i’m hyper aware of the butterfly effect. so uhm i’m a pretty resilient person if i do say so myself. so today when i came to the realization of OH. i’m having a BAD YEAR!
#literally got picked on by a prof in december that like momentarily zapped all my curiosity for everything academic#family stuff that actually makes me wanna die so bad#a couple ocd episodes that made me go insane#severely boring winter semester#my cat got sick and i drained my entire savings account#BROKE AS SHIT#also the fucking emotional stress of having my new cat get critically ill and almost dying#insane arguments with my mom realizing i don’t feel comfortable in my home <4#down bad severely down bad for a man#non stop work my life is non stop deadlines#two back to back courses that like took over my entire summer didn’t get a break at all#didn’t get the internship i wanted more than life itself#(which ended up being a positive but still)#underemployed up until three weeks ago#MENTALLY ILL!!! STILL#constant chronic pain and nausea that is unexplained#lost enough weight to see my ribs cause i couldn’t fucking eat#all my friends gone this summer#just feel blue so often#so many amazing things happened this year and i am excited and i still love life#but damn i feel beaten down like a dog#oh and did i mention the ongoing stress of watching your people get genocided through the internet :)#the absolute erosion of identity that like you already felt so disconnected from#as you watch the place you yearn for more than anything get completely nuked off the earth :)#and actually your moms homeland isn’t enough they need to start bombing your dads homeland too ;)
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#in the last week my mom has gotten a new couch#a new stereo#and a new cat#I have gotten stuck making sure my current cat and dog get along with the new one#I have started orienting at a new job#I have had to decide if I'm going on leave from or quitting my old job#I had a fever of 103.3#I started 6 new supplements to try and stop me from getting sick again (second time I had a fever that high in 2 weeks bby)#(enough to make me almost throw up if I take them all at once so I now have to take pills 3 times a day#so I only feel like throwing up a little {we're gonna ignore the fact that I've already f'd up remembering to take them 2ce#in the 2 days I've been on them cause adhd})#and I think this might actually be my limit#anyways I just had a massive meltdown cause the new sofa is only comfortable to sit on and if I try to lie down on it I'm uncomfortable#and lying down on the couch and doing stuff on my computer/knitting/drawing is how I relax after a rough day/if I'm having a migraine/etc#all of which I'm dealing with rn ofc#so that just sent me over the edge#and I am yet again convinced I can never be a good wife and mother because I could never subject my spouse#let alone my children to existing in the same space as me when I get like this#there were only 3 or four times I can remember my dad getting like this#but I remember those times so vividly#we never inherit just the good stuff from our parents we always have to fall right into the same pitfalls despite swearing we never would
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what’s fucked up is that since being cut to part time im basically constantly just waiting to be Fully Fired
#it is clearer than ever that they do not need me#and i suspect they only cut me to part time so that when they fire me they don’t have to pay me full unemployment#and i still have no fucking idea what i’m supposed to do about getting a new job#because finding another remote gig is looking increasingly impossible#and my dad is already on my ass about when i’m going to just give up and go back to working irl#and i can’t even express how much i do not want to do that#and my anxiety about all of this is fucking constant. like literally Constant. i can’t stop worrying about it all.#and i’m so sick and so sad and i hate that i am going to have to work 40hrs a week for the rest of my fucking life.#especially if i have to go back to irl work because that’s MORE than 40hrs a week. and even less time to rest and take care of myself.#like. nothing makes me more suicidal than That.#izzy.txt
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someone needs to invent a time machine so i can go back and talk to my childhood self and tell her she needs to ask her dad to teach her tennis while he still can
#i mean i have to tell that child so many other things too but#i've been in beginner lessons for a couple weeks now and today my coach was talking about what a good player my dad was#before he got sick and had to stop#i'm glad i'm finally learning and it's never too late and all that but. in some ways. it IS too late. haha. kms.#jk i will keep going but#it just makes me really sad#anyways! iwtv rewatch tonight 👀 iwtv rewatch tonight queen? iwtv rewatch tonight 👀#daphne.txt
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Another four day weekend, and this time it's Litha tomorrow. Let's see if the good weather spurs me to be productive this time and I actually get some website work in.
#sg.txt#I made a really good trade w/ my dad which is sick#i cut up a pool cover with an exacto knife so that the garbage guys will take it#and he WASHES MY BIKE FOR ME. ALSO POSSIBLY FIXES THE CHOKE AND SIGNAL LIGHT.#best trade I will absolutely take a knife to shit over having to wash cueball serenade#i love bikes so much. i fucking hate washing them#although let's be real i may end up cleaning my room finishing artwork and then just playing dgs / aai2 all weekend#gonna take my ds with me to ontario when i fly out in a few weeks#i began my pokemon journey out in ontario it seems fitting to continue it there
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Concerning scenario incoming
It seems that my family is making stew beef for a special dinner tonight. Vegan or not, beef makes me really really sick. But it seems I’m going to be forced eat it anyways :(
#and if you’re wondering why I don’t try sticking up for myself#all I will say is 1. I’m bad at it and 2. my dad can be a very violent person#especially about something he is psssionste about like his cooking#so it’s either I risk making him mad or be sick for a couple weeks#and tbh I’d prefer being sick#sowwy for the venty post :/
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whooooo having an anxiety attack about covid. again 👍
#cw negative#cw vent#nowe talks#it's hard to describe what about it is the worst source of anxiety for me. it's not What If I Get It. it's mostly just. it's just.#i sometimes feel like our society has just forgotten that it's a thing. or that society has forgotten that it's A SERIOUS THING.#like this thing that Kills People.#i know it's not lethal to most people but it still is a very serious thing!#why have we as a society shifted from “protecting the people most affected is a collective responsibility#(via vaccination and masking and not showing up to places sick)“#to “well what if all the people belonging to risk groups just deal with this on their own and the rest of us go back to normal?”#idk man maybe i'm sensitive because my grandma died of covid a week before Christmas last year.#or because both of my parents are over 60 and my dad has another risk factor illness on top of that.#idk man. i just feel so. unsafe. unsure and scared and tired. i just dont want other people to go through what our family did last december#i want to stress that i'm not blaming any individual people for this.#my frustration is almost solely directed towards the goverment not taking covid seriously enough#and like i'm not perfect. i'm not sure what's the right thing to do and what's me overreacting.#i recognize that i am often incapable of thinking clearly about this subject#sometimes i feel like i am the only one in my circle (family included) who is this worried about it still. i'm not blaming my loved ones#i'm not saying i'm better than them that's not it. i just. sometimes i just feel so alone with this#and idk how to make it better?#like i have good moments and bad moments with this anxiety. it comes and goes. but. idk.#i think her death's anniversary coming closer combined with the rising covid numbers in my country is just doing a number on me
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well i made it four years without getting covid.....
ironically got it from my 90+ yr old grandparents. they're doing fine, but i feel like i've been whacked over the head with a mallet.
#they gave it to my dad who gave it to my mum and i was caring for both of them this week so it was sort of inevitable#but it sucks!#holy shit!#i caught a sinus infection back in march and was sick for the whole month so im not looking forward to the recovery from this one#but in all seriousness please mask up if you are able to just because the lockdowns are over doesn't mean it's gone away
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I’m sick :(((
#this week is officially very unfun#suddenly fever without feeling particularly sick otherwise#but it’ll probably hit me with full force tomorrow#had to cancel my work shift on friday because it’s unlikely i’ll be all gucci by then#and next week i’m supposed to go visit my mom and see my dad and grandma too 😭😭😭
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