#my dvds came early so i am starting a little earlier than planned but i already have the discord set up!

[sevengeese]

EDIT: new link as of 14 November 2023: https://discord.gg/sKB7yvRu

i am making a discord server to watch princess tutu together!

here is the link: https://discord.gg/Jgz8VV4p

whether you are watching for the first time or rewatching, you are welcome!

under the cut i will tag those who interacted with my previous post:

@edwardslostalchemy @petitgarcon @khmemeries @yaamara @robert-champion

[emptymasks]

I’ve seen a lot about your thoughts on Elisabeth and Tanz der Vampire, and they’ve been really helpful getting into those musicals! But you have a huge list of other musicals that people can get into…

So I was wondering if you had any musicals you hadn’t mentioned in a while that you really like or would like to talk about??? (preferably something from your lists that has a blue heart please?)

Oh if only you knew how long the list of European musicals really is... I however have only seen 9 (if I counted right) and I have a lot more that I still need to watch. Oh also, I only put the blue hearts on any musicals that I was providing multiple links for so people could see which version I reccoment the most highly. If a musical only had one link and didn't have a blue heart it doesn't mean I didn't like it.

I've watched: Mozart das Musical, Elisabeth das Musical, Tanz der Vampire, 3 Musketiers, Mozart L'Opéra Rock, Dracula (the Graz production), Rebecca das Musical, Roméo et Juliette and Schikaneder.

If you enjoyed those two you're likely to enjoy Rebecca! It's written by the same composer/lyricist team as Elisabeth and Mozart (and same lyricist as Tanz der Vampire - though if you're listening to any German musical, original or translated, 90% of the time the lyrics will have been done by Michael Kunze that man is everywhere). The Stuttgart production has my favourite set design of any musical! Well... Actually probably. There are so many big set pieces it's insane, way more than I've seen in some Broadway and West End musicals. You can tell so much work went into it and the visual effects that I won't spoil if you don't know the plot but if you know the plot you know what I mean by the effects at the end are so good and I didn't expect them at all and I freaked out so much the first time I watched it. Jan Ammann as Maxim in the Stuttgart production is the best Maxim. No I won't take any argument. Other actors feel a bit one-dimensional to me, but the way Maxim acts at times comes from trauma and some actors and productions seem to forget that, but Jan really goes for it and his Maxim is a lot more sympathetic and I just want to give him a hug. Pia Douwes as Mrs Danvers, if you've seen her in Elisabeth what more do I need to say, she's amazing. A musical goddess. Her Danny is a bit more wild than some, but she kills it. My favourite video, which I put the blue heart next to, has understudy Christina Patten as Ich/I, but I adore her she's my favourite. She adds some spunk to Ich in act 2 and her voice is so pretty and aaaa. I just love these three actors together in these roles.

Roméo et Juliette is another favourite of mine! It's hard to choose which one to recommend, but it has to be the original 2000/2001 production because of the sweetness and chemistry and voices of Damien Sargue and Cecilia Cara as Romeo and Juliet. They're so pretty and work together so well. The only reason I say it's hard to pick is Mercutio. I adore him, but in the original production they cut out a song they had planned for him and he doesn't really do much at all? In the 2010 revival they gave him two more songs and you care about him so much more and John Eyzen plays such a good Mercutio. So I'd recommend the original but if you want to like Mercutio more, which you should he's amazing, I'd recommend watching at least clips of John's. It's an interesting musical because all productions are non-replica and also change around the order of songs, add or take away characters, all sorts. The Hungarian production is also very popular and I'm sure it's great, I just haven't' gotten around to watching it yet.

Mozart das Musical was the first non-English language musicals I watched so I have a fondness for it, but it's not my favourite. However, I do realise I have forgotten most of the songs and the few I've gone back and listened to are better than I remember.

Dracula isn't super popular and I understand why, I don't love the plot of the Dracula/Mina romance in it, however. I do love this musical because despite how I find the plot lacking, the songs are so good! At least, I love them. And the actors are all doing a great job. And it's one of the few Dracula adaptions to keep Quincy Morris so they get bonus points for that.

Mozart L'Opéra Rock and modern French musicals... This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but they're often more like pop-rock operas now. So if you're not into musicals with that style of music it might not be for you, but I still enjoyed it even though I didn't think I would because of the style of music. Mozart and Salieri's chemistry is very good, Salieri's bisexual crisis song is iconic, actually all of Salieri's songs are iconic.

Schikaneder... eh. I didn't like it that much and I didn't really like any of the songs. There's no English subtitles, but someone sent me the entire English synopsis and I watched it with a German friend so I had double the help of understanding it. Doesn't mean others might not like it, just none of the songs stood out to me and I had no desire to listen to any of them again. It's by Steven Scharwz of Wicked fame and I love Wicked, but I didn't love this.

3 Musketiers!! God it's so underrated and not spoken about within the European musical fandom that I even forget about it and literally forgot to write about it earlier in this post. It's a Dutch musical (though did also have a German production) and it's really good!? Faces you might know are Pia Douwes as Milady de Winter, Stanley Burlseon as Cardinal Richeliu (Netherlands Der Tod in Elisabeth), Henk Poort as Athos (Netherlands Phantom and Jean Valjean). The dialgoue is funny, the songs are good, some of the set pieces have no right to exist in this tiny musical?? They made this giant boat and pelt the actors with rain just for one 5 minute song and then we never see the boat again? And while I recommend the Dutch one because Dutch musicals deserve more love and it has official English subtitles!! Official ones, not fanmade! I have the DVD and it comes with English subtitles (and Dutch and German subtitles) which is so nice. The German version is also good, good cast, Pia came back and Uwe Kroger as Richeliu and omg they rearranged the songs and the German arrangement of Nicht Aus Stein is insane and amazing and frankly iconic.

That's all of the ones I have watched. Next on my list to watch are Rudolf and Notre Dame de Paris, both of which I have listened to some songs from and already love (I've listened to way too much of Notre Dame de Paris and am so in love).

I want to start organising streams where I'll host the musical either by getting the video from Youtube or my own files and anyone who wants to join can come along and watch with us, chat with us if you want or just watch there's no pressure to chat. I thought about doing weekly streams? This would also make me finally watch some of the ones I've been meaning to for ages. But I keep wondering about time zones. I'm in the UK and would want to stream at about 11pm at the latest (11pm BST/GMT+1 as we’re in daylight savings at the moment, if the streams continue past the end of October which would be wild then I’ll make a note of the time change that would be to 11pm GMT), which I know can work for other UK and Europeans, but for any Americans would be in the afternoon. So, I wondered if doing it on a weekend would be better? Then it doesn't matter if it's in the afternoon? Maybe Saturday evenings then? It would either be Saturday evenings UK time or Friday evenings UK time. What do you guys think? If people are down then I'll make a separate post with a list of what we'll be watching each week and if anything happens to me that means I can't stream one week then everything will just get pushed back a week, but I don't see that as likely to happen. And I'll only be streaming those that have English subtitles, so don't worry about not being able to understand anything.

edit: am also open to 10pm bst if others want that, im just trying to think of what time works best for everyone so sorry if 11pm is a little late for europeans, i know 10pm could be a little early for americans. also in case it sounded like these are the only musicals i will be streaming, thats not so, ive got more than just the ones mentioned on this list!

(Tagging some people who I know are or might be interested in streams to see what you think of that plan: @sirona-art @ringwraith100 @tanz-der-trash @smilingwoland @the-weird-dane @witchgaye @ami-fidele @kisstheghouls @looking-4-happiness @ladysapphire928 @sloanedestler @tinywound @persephonaae @phoenixdewinter @uwucoffee @freshbloodandgothicism )

[livesincerely]

it’s beginning to look a lot like... ch. 4 (END)

Also on Ao3. Chapter three here.

00000

The Twelfth Christmas

“You’re shaking the table!”

“No, I’m not!” 

“Yes you are, you dirty cheater!”

“You’re just mad ‘cause I’m winning⁠—”

“You wouldn’t be winning if you weren’t shaking the table⁠—”

“Hey, chill the fuck out,” Jack interjects, wandering over to investigate before things can get out of hand. “We’re gonna get another noise complaint.”

“Charlie’s cheating!” Tony insists. “He’s shaking the table!”

“No, I’m not!” Charlie denies. “Tony’s just a sore loser.”

“I’m not a sore loser!”

“Well, you’re definitely not a sore winner!”

“I said, chill out,” Jack says firmly. “Or I’m gonna be the one sweeping the pot.”

“Aw, Jack!” they whine in unison.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Jack says. “Choo-Choo, stop shaking the table,” —Charlie ducks his head, pouting⁠— “and Racer, stop stealing from Charlie’s pile when he ain’t lookin’,” —Tony’s eyes go wide⁠— “yeah, Tones, I saw that.”

There’s a few grumbles, but no real arguments. 

Satisfied that he’s halted World War Dreidel, at least for now, Jack goes back to the living room and crawls into the Pillow Fort. 

“Everything okay?” Davey asks, lifting his arm so that Jack can snuggle back into his side. 

“Just another throw down,” Jack says, resting his head against Davey’s chest. “You know how they get.”

“There’s no mercy in dreidel,” Davey says, a hint of a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. “Only annihilation and bragging rights.”

Jack laughs softly. “Yeah, I think they’ve really taken that rule to heart, querido. They’re planning total domination and they ain’t afraid to go through each other to get it.”

He takes another moment to get good and comfortable—arms tucked around Davey’s waist, one hand slipping up under Davey’s shirt to sit against the curve of his stomach. Davey throws his legs over Jack’s, his arm a warm weight across Jack’s shoulders, and he tugs a blanket up to cover them.

Davey asks, “Good?”

“Go for it,” Jack murmurs.

Davey unearths the remote from their nest of pillows and hits play; the dvd picks up right where they left it before Jack got up, with Hiccup finding Toothless in the quarry.

They’re watching the movie and not watching the movie. They’ve probably seen it about a hundred times, it’s not like they don’t know what’s gonna happen, so it’s sort of just on for background noise and because it wouldn’t be Christmas without it. Mostly they’re just sitting together, enjoying each others’ company as the last few hours of the day wind down. 

It’s been an impossibly hectic holiday season: Davey’s semester didn’t end until the 20th, leaving only a couple of days for frantic Hanukkah shopping and barely more than that for last-minute Christmas shopping. There’s still a handful of nights of Hanukkah left⁠—they’re spending the rest of the week at the Jacobs’ to finish out the holiday, then ringing in the New Year the night after, leaving tonight as the only lull in the madness. 

Well, considering the muffled arguing he can still hear coming from the kitchen table, there’s never really a lull in the madness. But lying here, settled in with Davey’s fingers combing through his hair and his heartbeat beneath his ear, the boys happy and whole just a few feet away… Jack can’t imagine anything better.

He shifts slightly, tipping his head up just enough to see⁠: Davey’s looking towards the TV, his expression soft with relaxation and a hint of sleepiness, the fairly lights casting a gentle glow across his features and leaving specks of color dancing in his eyes.

Jack’s heart does a little loop-de-loop around his chest. He never gets tired of looking at Davey. He’s pretty sure he could spend the rest of his life looking at Davey.

“What’re you thinking about so hard, Jackie, love?” Davey asks after a while.

Jack curls around him that much more, his hands sliding up to splay wide over Davey’s ribcage. 

“Nothin’,” he says, quietly content. “Still jus’ thinkin’ about tomorrow.”

Davey hums in acknowledgement, his nails scratching lightly at the nape of Jack’s neck. “Mama’s been hinting that she wants us down there as soon as physically possible⁠. She sounded pretty frazzled⁠—I think Les must be driving them all a bit crazy, waiting.”

“What, and she thinks adding us into the mix is gonna grant her some peace?” Jack asks with a snort. “Charlie, Tony, and Les might distract each other for a while, maybe, but there’s no way whatever Les is puttin’ her through now is worse than whatever the three of ‘em together will cook up and unleash. But either way, I’m not goin’ anywhere until we get at least two loads of laundry done because that sucked ass last year, coming home to a shit-ton of dirty sheets and blankets.”

“Yeah, I figured we wouldn’t be getting there until early afternoon-ish,” Davey says. “I told her maybe 2pm or 3? And, at this point I think she’d take the chaos if it meant she could get a few hours in the kitchen, uninterrupted, without Les trying to talk her into a round of dreidel. Apparently he’s taking the tournament very seriously this year.”

“There’s somethin more serious than whatever the fuck went down last year? I didn’t think that was possible,” Jack says. He pauses for a moment, considering. ”Oh, hell, what am I sayin’? This is Les, Charlie, and Tony we’re talkin’ about.”

“Yeah, Mama said the same thing,” Davey agrees. “She specifically mentioned that they’re setting aside a separate table just for dreidel⁠—somewhere safely away from any food or drinks or breakable glassware, presumably.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Jack says. “Though, I’m tellin’ ya now, if anyone ends up with sufganiyot in their hair again, I’m groundin’ both of ‘em ‘til Easter.”

“God, can you even imagine?” Davey says, laughing. “I thought Sarah was gonna murder all three of them.”

“I thought Racer was gonna shatter a window, with how loud he screamed when she started chasin’ him,'' Jack adds. “Then, remember? We found him hidin’ under your old bed?”

“Oh my god,” Davey says, his laughter bubbling up into a full on giggle. “I totally forgot about that!”

Maybe it’s the holiday getting to him. Maybe it’s the bit of eggnog he had earlier or the smell of pine and the hint of candle smoke in the air or maybe it’s just the way that Davey’s looking at him, expression bright and his eyes crinkled up at the corners, but suddenly Jack’s heart feels too big in his chest⁠—like his entire self might burst open.

“What?” Davey asks, still smiling, when he notices Jack staring at him. “What is it?”

“Do you remember when we were at your parents house?” Jack asks. “Not last Hanukkah, but the one before that? When you first started your grad program?”

“What about it?” 

“It was, like, a week before Christmas, a coupl’a days into Hanukkah'' Jack starts, thinking back. “I picked you up from campus right after your last test, already had the car packed and the boys bickering in the backseat, and between the snow and the holiday traffic, it took us, like, four hours just to get to your parents house, and I loved every fucking minute of it. ‘Cause you’d moved out, an’ you had classes an’ finals an’ a whole fucking graduate dorm an’ it felt like I hadn’t seen you in weeks, weeks, after four years of livin’ in each other’s back pockets an’ I missed you so fucking much. You weren’t even twenty minutes away but it felt like you were gone⁠, all’a the time—”

Jack’s rambling, he knows he’s rambling, and he’s not sure if he’s even making any sense. But Davey makes no move to interrupt him, listening with that quiet intensity of his, eyes wide and warm.

“⁠—and I’d spent all of fall looking forward to the end of your semester because then I’d have you for a whole month. A whole month, where things could be like they were, like they were s’pposed to be. I’d get to make ya coffee in the morning and hear ya singin’ in the shower and see ya reading on the couch when I got home from work. I was so excited, but I hadn’t realized yet, you know? I didn’t know.”

He pauses for a breath, heart fluttering a little in his chest, then continues.

“But then, that evening at your parents… you never sleep the night before you have a big test, always stay up too late studying and worrying, and sure enough, you were passed out before Jeopardy even came on, absolutely exhausted. I hadta carry ya upstairs later⁠; your Ma had made up your old room for us so I just tucked you in, then slipped into bed beside you. I didn’t think anythin’ of it ‘cause we always share and you didn’t even wake up, just kept on sleepin’. But then, the next morning…”

Jack raises a hand and drags his thumb gently over the ridge of Davey’s forehead.

“You always get a little wrinkle right here, when you ain’t been sleepin’ enough,” he murmurs, rubbing away an imaginary crease between Davey’s brows. “Tension, I guess. It’s how I can always tell that you ain’t been taking care of yourself. But that next morning, I woke up and you’d sort of curled around me in your sleep, half on top of me. My whole fucking arm was numb ‘cause of how you were lying on it but I didn’t dare move ‘cause you looked so comfortable. No wrinkle, no crease, no frown… and I just kept lookin’ atcha an’ lookin’ atcha…”

His hand slides down, cupping around the side of Davey’s face. Jack looks him right in the eyes and says, “And suddenly I thought to myself, ‘Holy shit, I am apocalyptically in love with this man.’”

There’s the tiniest sound of an inhaled breath, Davey’s throat working beneath his palm. 

“‘Cause I hadn’t known, ya know? But once I did—once I realized⁠—then I knew. I figured out right then and there that all I wanted was you, that all I’d ever wanted was you, and the boys, and all of us together for as long as I could keep ya. That I’d wanted you since ya brought me that hat and scarf ‘cause you wanted me to be warm, an’ the phone card ‘cause you wanted us to be able to talk, an’ the sketchbook ‘cause you wanted me to have something just for having, and it hurt so bad because it was too late, you’d already moved out, you were pullin’ away, an’ I had a whole month of fucking torture because I had you right where I wanted you but I didn’t actually have you⁠—”

Davey leans that barest bit closer and kisses him, long and slow. 

“You’ve always had me,” he promises. “Jackie, you’ve always⁠—”

“But I didn’t know,” Jack says. “And you didn’t know that you had me. But really, the whole time we could’ve been⁠—”

“We were idiots,” Davey agrees, pressing his forehead to Jack’s. “But what else is new?”

“I love you,” Jack says, reaching out to lace their fingers together. “I love you so much, Davey. You don’t even realize how much I love you.”

“Sure I do,” Davey says, his voice a little wet, giving Jack’s hand a squeeze. “It’s about as much as I love you. Now stop it before you make me cry.”

“Love of my life,” Jack says. “‘M so lucky to have you.”

“Jack.”

Jack smiles, lifting their clasped hands up to his mouth and pressing a kiss to Davey’s knuckles.

“Happy Hanukkah, Dave.”

“Merry Christmas, Jackie.”

00000

Tags: @yahfancyclamwiththepurlinside, @corbinthecowboy

[staylovehearts]

A Tree in a Forest

Lee Minho x Reader

Word Count ~ 3.7 k

Summary: Sometimes you can’t see the tree from the woods. 

Tags: childhood friends, friends to lovers, slight angst, but also really cheesy, weird tree metaphors but I promise it’s romantic, or at least I hope it is

"Let go of me, the people are starting to look."

With a pout, you let go of Minho's elbow that you have been holding onto. Actually, you had meant to hook arms, walk arm in arm like an old couple. Or close friends who are goofing around together. But Minho keeps his arm pressed tightly to his side and you have done your best to wriggle at least three fingers in between. But now he's looking at you with this kind of irritated glance. He's even stopped walking. The only thing that's missing is for him to place his other hand on his hip and use his height to tower over you to make you feel like you are a kid being scolded.

"Since when do you care about people looking at you? You love attention. Besides, you always get super clingy with your friends, why do you never let me be close to you?" You cross your arms in front of your chest while speaking. Half because you are not sure what to do with your hand now that you had to remove your fingers from Minho's elbow. You really don't understand why he is always making such a fuss about it. There is nothing wrong with friends holding hands or hooking arms or any of that. Everyone is doing it. And Minho and you have been friends for quite a while now. Actually, you basically grew up together. He lives down the street, when you were younger you used to sit in the sandbox of the playground around the corner, defending the castles you built together from all the other kids trying to get a chance of playing there as well until your parents pulled you out and scolded you. But the next day you'd do it again. You two have been in cahoots for all of your youth. Exploring the forests and fields around town, building secret hideouts in the woods and coming home with scrapped knees. You went to school together. Have even been in the same classes for most of it. Minho and you have always been close. And he used to not mind being touchy-feely with you. But somehow things have changed sometime during high school. Before that, you always used to walk to and from school together. Him waiting up in the morning, standing on your porch and greeting your mother before joking about how you are always making him late. He stopped. Had to go earlier because of clubs and stuff. He also stopped walking home with you. Meeting with friends or staying later for dance practice. It's fine. You do have other friends as well. It's just how things go. But still... something about the distance he's been putting up makes you upset. And the harder he tries to slip away, the more you want to get close to him again.

"It's different when they do it. They are not annoying and clingy like you. Besides, you can't even compare that. With you it's a whole different story", Minho finally answers your question. It feels like you have been staring each other down in the middle of this crowded shopping mall for at least half a minute.

"Different how?", you ask. "How am I different?"

Minho rolls his eyes at you, as if you are stupid for even asking such a question, but he's also not really providing you with an answer. In fact, he seems to be stalling for time. The stance of his body shifts. The angry posture had given him a confident, overpowering look, but now he's unsure. You can read him pretty well most of the time, so it's easy for you to tell that he'd rather not start arguing with you right now.

"You're just... you", he finally mutters. It's so vague that it could mean anything and nothing.

"What's that even supposed to mean?", you demand, but Minho is running away from the question. Literally. He has started walking again before you could even get into complaining properly. You try your best to catch up with him again, for a moment you consider reaching for his arm again. Just to tease him. But then you stop yourself halfway there and just settle for walking next to him.

"Well, either way, let's go eat something. I'm starving"

                                                                ~

"Hey darling, you back already? I thought you were out with Minho?", your mother greets when you walk inside. She's standing in the kitchen, messing around in maybe three different pots and pans at the same time. The air is warm and filled with the smell of different spices and other ingredients.

"He had... a thing later. I think. He didn't really give me the specifics, just told me that he had to leave early. So I'm home already."

Your mother turns around to look at you over her shoulder, not even putting down her spatula or stepping away from the stove. But she gives you this kind of concerned mother look.

"That's odd", she just says, before completely turning back around to stir some vegetables in a pan. Something about the way she says it gives you a feeling that she is implying more than she is saying. But you're mother has always been like that. Giving you that know it all mothery attitude and yet refusing to really talk wisdom until you finally give in and come to her to ask what she means by that. But you're not really in the mood for talking right now.

"Do you want me to set the table?", you ask instead. Without even turning around your mother replies: "Yes, please. You're lucky I made a little extra. I wanted to leave it on the stovetop so you could eat it later when you get here. But now that you're here already you might as well eat with the family."

"Yeah, I'll get right to it."

And that's that. But you have a feeling this conversation is only postponed.

                                                               ~

to Dumbass Catboy: sooooo what do you wanna do for movie night this weekend? i'll take care of snax if you bring the dvd, or do you wanna do netflix?? [sent: 17:35; seen 5 minutes ago]

You stare at your phone in anticipation. Movie night is a staple for you and Minho. When you were younger you used to do when every weekend. But as school progressed and homework started piling up you started reducing the frequency. Every second week and then once a month. But it's a date circled in your calender. Marked with a bright red pen. And you make sure to send him reminders about it at least a week in advance. Minho and you have never skipped a movie night. Not even that one time you came down with a really bad stomach bug. You did switch to watching the movie together over a skype conversation though. Because your mother told you not to leave the house. Not that you had felt like that. You still clearly remember how you paused the movie in the middle of a scene, stood up straight and declared "I'm going to puke my guts out" before rushing out of your room and into the bathroom. You remember Minho laughing and teasing and calling your gross when you stumbled back into your room, face pale but cheeks glowing red, hair messy and sweaty bangs sticking to your forehead. But you continued watching the movie once you had settled yourself back into bed. Movie night has never been skipped.

[Dumbass Catboy is typing]

The three dots move, stop, disappear, show up again. Then, finally, after what seems like hours of waiting – well, just about one hour actually – there is finally an answer. But you sure don't like what you are seeing.

Dumbass Catboy: sry, can't make it, got other plans [sent: 18:27]

He's ditching your movie night? Not even telling you what for? No excuse. Just other plans? What other plans could be more important than watching movies with your bestie? It's a tradition. A ritual. You've been doing movie nights for years. And he's just ditching you? Not even an excuse. You throw your phone across the room, not even bothering with a reply. This is stupid. Outrageous. This is... actually so hurtful.

What happened?

Do people just drift apart like that? Is that just how it goes? Friends come and go and life goes on. But if that's just how it goes then why does it hurt so much? Is it normal that it stings so much, that it makes your chest feel so tight that you almost can't breathe anymore? Hands shaking, all of you shaking, shivering, struggling for air, choking out sobs, tears stinging in your eyes?

Why does it hurt so much?

Just then you hear a gentle knock on your door. You try to quickly clean the tears that have by now welled over and dripped from your chin onto the mattress away with your sleeve. Won't fix the puffy eyes, but the light is dimmed, so maybe it's alright.

"Come in", you croak. Voice hoarse and strangled. Damn. The door opens slowly and your mother comes inside, carrying a basket of freshly washed and folded laundry that she puts down. Usually, she'd leave right after that, but this time she stops in the doorframe to look at you. You try your hardest to avoid her gaze.

"Are you alright?", she asks and that's really all it takes for you to break down completely.

"I think Minho hates me now", you choke out between strangled sobs.

"Oh, darling", your mother hurries over to sit down next to you without hesitation. Gently she places a hand on your shoulder and you curl yourself into her side like you used to do as a child, hiding from strangers at family gatherings and the such. She gently pets your hair while she waits for your sobbing and shaking to calm down again before she begins her interrogation.

"Did you two have a fight?", she finally asks, after you have wiped your face with your sleeves a couple of times and sat up straight again. You shake your head because you still don't trust your voice to be stable, But your mother waits patiently for you to explain more. So you finally give in.

"He cancelled movie night. Didn't even give me a reason. He just said that he has other plans. And he's been so weird and distant lately. Like he doesn't want to spend time anymore and when we're out together he always makes me walk like an arm's length away from him. And when I ask him about it he's so weird. He won't even explain himself. I just don't understand why he's being like this now? I thought we were friends. But it's all changing now and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. I l-", you interrupt yourself there, but the knowing glance your mother is giving you is telling you that she was just waiting for that emotional outburst. I love him so much is what you meant to say. You didn't even realise you meant it until now.

"You know, boys can be really stupid sometimes. I'm sure he doesn't hate you. Maybe he just needs space to figure something out. I know you two have always been close, but things change when you get older. That's just how it is. You can't stay in your little sandcastle forever."

"But what if I don't want things to change?"

"Oh, darling, no one wants for things to change. But the world just keeps turning, and either you learn to deal with change or you get left behind. It's cruel, but life can be like that sometimes."

                                                               ~

"Hey, sorry about last weekend, I was... busy."

You recognise the voice from behind without turning to look. You don't. You allow him to catch up to you but you don't slow down.

"It's okay", you say. Snappy. Short words. Fired like bullets out of your mouth. You don't turn, but you notice him flinch a little out of the corner of your eye. Minho's lips have always formed into a sort of natural pout, but it becomes even more prominent when he is actually upset about something. Such full lips. So soft, so plush.

"Maybe we could make up for it?", he offers. He's walking fast to keep up with you. Maybe you did add a little more speed to your step. You're basically powerwalking down the street. What is he even doing here? Did he have to be out just now when you wanted to go to the store?

"Maybe", you say. And with that, you're basically done with the conversation. But Minho doesn't seem to be willing to let you go so easily.

"Are you also going to the store? Want me to help you carry that?" He points to the bag around your wrist. Your mother gave it to you even though you insisted you'd be able to carry the few things she wanted without any help.

"It's empty. I think I can handle that myself", you explain. Still not even bothering to look at your friend. Can you even call him that right now? Friend feels like such a loaded word. Maybe he stopped being your friend when he started moving into crush territory. You wonder what territory you are in from his perspective right now? Maybe you're nothing. And being nothing only really hurts when you used to be something.

"Don't you wanna try grabbing me today?", he asks, still not able or willing to read the mood.

"Thought you didn't want me to."

"Yeah, but since when has me telling you what to do ever stopped you from getting your will either way, remember when we-"

"Hey, I'm sorry, but I got this kinda important errand to run", you cut him off in the middle of a sentence. You're not in the mood for childhood memories and sharing stories that you have told each other a dozen times already.

"Sure, maybe we can talk..."

You're out of reach before he can get that later out.

                                                               ~

Dumbass Catboy: hey [sent: 22:34]

Dumbass Catboy: i was wondering if we could talk [sent: 22:35]

Dumbass Catboy: look, I know I kinda fucked up and I'm really sorry [sent: 22:36]

Dumbass Catboy: please, I know you are getting these, can you just talk to me please? [sent: 22:47]

You look at your phone, not quite sure what to do. You thought getting some distance yourself would make it easier to deal with your newly realised feelings. But it seems that now, that you have slipped away to finally grant Minho the space he has been demanding he doesn't want it anymore. Suddenly he wants to be close. Texting you, asking to hang out, showing up out of nowhere when you are walking down the street to come up and talk to you. Yesterday he tried to wrap an arm around your shoulder and you just bolted. It hurts. Wanting but not being wanted. Then trying to get the distance. Suddenly being wanted again. But if you cave in now, will he turn cold again?

to Dumbass Catboy: talk then [sent: 22:50; seen just now]

Okay, maybe you're being a little bit unreasonable. A little bit bitchy. But this is basically your first real heartbreak. He's your first real love. It makes sense to be upset, right?

Dumbass Catboi: I thought we could maybe talk in person? [sent: 22:52]

Dumbass Catboi: meet me at our secret place in ten? If that's alright [sent: 22:53]

You glance at the clock on your nightstand. As if the glowing red numbers would give you another time than that displayed on the phone in your hand. It's almost 11 pm.

You grab a coat and head out.

Minho is standing leaned against the trunk of an old oak, the light of his phone making his phone glow a ghastly pale white in the dark of the forest. He raises his head when he hears you step on a twig that snaps under your boots. The light draws weird shadows on his face and for maybe the first time in ages you are unable to tell what he is thinking. His face seems contorted by the light hitting it and you can't read him at all.

You stop roughly an arm's length away from him and wait for him to greet you. Or start explaining why he called you out here in the middle of the night. For him to say anything.

"You know isn't it weird that we are able to find this place so easily even though it's just some random spot in a forest that we made out to be our place ages ago? Like, there is nothing actually special about this tree, we just made it out to be special", Minho finally says after a moment of silence. It's not really what you expected. Well, not that you really expected anything out of this conversation. But you sure didn't think he would go on a rant about trees. But it suits him, talking some weird nonsense instead of getting to the point.

"So you called me out here in the middle of the night to talk about trees?"

"Yes, but also not really", Minho answers. "See, what I'm trying to get at is that you are like that tree. When you look around in a forest there are so many trees everywhere, you could hardly make out a single one. And they all kind of look the same. But once you stop and pick a single tree to be that special tree to you, it begins to stick out. And you start noticing all the weird little details. Like how the moss grows in weird shapes on it and how it leans a little bit to the side. And suddenly that one tree is just not some random tree in a forest. And you don't really notice it at first. It seems to be just that tree that you have picked out as a meeting spot. But when you stop to think about it, you realise that that tree has always been there. This tree saw us grow up. We climbed it when we were kids, we had picnics here and we talked for hours every night in summer. Even though it just looks like one of many trees, this tree is special to me. You are special to me."

Minho's little rant leaves you lost for words and you need a moment to comprehend that between all the talk about trees he just made something like a confession. But still, it's too unclear. To vague to actually tell what he is trying to say. He has put his phone away before he started talking. Now the weird shadows are replaced with pale moonlight painting his features soft, Making his sharp and angular jaw look almost smooth, yet the skin is shining like polished marble. And his lips, oh god his lips, have they always been this tempting?

"That's a really weird metaphor", you finally manage to whisper. There is no reason to lower your voice, but you can't get yourself to speak up. You feel like you are trapped in a giant bubble and once you move to fast or speak too loud it'll burst and this whole little moment of perfect honesty will be gone.

"I guess it is. But you know that saying? Not seeing the wood from the trees or something like that. I think this is like the opposite way around. I haven't been able to see that one tree that is special to me because of all the other ones around it. You know, hide a tree, use a forest. Is that a thing that people say? Ugh, sorry, I'm rambling." Minho reaches out. Hand on your shoulder. Pulls you closer. And arm's length is still just enough distance to reach out and touch someone if you want to. "Look, what I'm trying to say is that I really like you. I've liked you for a long time. And I've been scared of these feelings. So I thought if I just push you away I'd be able to move on. But then, when I really felt like I lost you, I couldn't take it. So I decided that it's better to lose you with at least trying to tell you how I feel than letting you go and never telling you. And now here I am. I like you. I really do. And I want to be with you. And I'm sorry that I have been such an idiot about it."

"You really have been an idiot", you mumble. You're standing closer to him now. Toes almost touching, his hand on your shoulder, yours uselessly hanging down next to your body. You reach out, wrap them around his neck, close the remaining bit of distance. Inhale. Everything about his body is so familiar. And yet it isn't. He smells the same, feels the same. But the bit of height difference hits different now. The way his heart is beating rapidly in his chest. This is new. These feelings are new and yet they are old. This tree is special and still, it is one of many. One that you picked. One that you made special. Because you saw it and you didn't let it go. Just like that little boy down the street who you first met when he was trying to pet a stray cat and you laughed when he started crying after it scratched him. But when he turned to look at you with tears in his big brown eyes, you rushed over to comfort him. And you never let him go again. Because he's special. To you he's special.

"I like you too", you finally return the confession. It feels like it took you both forever to get here. Then again, there is still so much time left. So many days to spend together, so many movie nights to be had. So much to do, it feels like no amount of time will ever be enough. Then again, maybe this moment alone is enough already. For now. And for Forever.

[ajoblotofjunk]

Hey! What about a commentary for your most favorite line in HFoG?

My (current) most favorite line is from November (part 1) of HFoG! Here’s the lead up to the actual line, which I bolded.

She flushed. “Is it so surprising? I never stopped wanting you.”

“Even now?”

“More than ever.” He’d captivated her since her father’s garage, back when he’d been arrogant and angry, when his love of the cars had been, she thought, the truest thing about him; now that she knew all his curves and straightaways, it would be impossible to stop wanting him. It was her turn to move nearer. “I never would have ended things between us if your father hadn’t stepped in.”

Jaime tilted his head and gave her a small, sad smile. “Yes, you would’ve.”

“No.” Brienne shook her head. “It wasn’t what I wanted.”

“Maybe not then,” he said, “but it would’ve been eventually.” He tenderly cupped her face with his palm, a warm pressure that made her shut her eyes for just a moment to enjoy the feel of him again. They were together every day and still she missed him. “You wanted us to keep things secret because you needed to protect yourself, and I did it but I never really understood why. I understand it now. But I also understand that I couldn’t have done it the way you needed me to. Truthfully, I could never do it.” His fingers slid to her neck, tightening there, and he tugged her head down to press his forehead to hers. “I cannot love you quietly.”

I mean, look. I am well aware that I will probably never write a line more concise and yet full of everything about both who a character is and how a relationship will be, while also being straight-up romantic. I’m happy I got the one, though!

And I also think it’s a very TRUE sentiment and gets at why what was between them really would have failed whether Tywin had intervened or not. It was already starting to come apart before Tywin even stepped in, and they would have both fought to hold onto it long past when it would have been healthy for either of them. And I love that it’s Jaime who gets to realize that because it’s such a big point of emotional growth for him, which is why the line (I think?) resonates so well. In August he was sure he could do it but in November he knows himself so much better and he’ll be happier for that in the long run.

Dragonzair asked me in the comments how I came up with it and I said this:

It came to me actually while I was writing an earlier Jaime section. I had him thinking a similar thought to himself initially; in that version it was something like “he could only love her loudly” which I loved the sentiment of because I love this idea of Jaime just understanding both who he is as a person (MAYER OF FEELINGSTOWN) and in particular the depth of his feelings for Brienne and how those things combine together. And I really wanted him to SAY IT because it’s super romantic and Brienne deserved to hear that. So I pulled it out of that earlier section (there’s a hint of it still in the story; I can’t remember if it’s in this chapter or not, where he thinks something similar) and tucked it away for when the had this discussion (I knew even when I was writing September that they’d get to this point where he can’t love her in secret again) and then realized as I wrote it that it made a better impact with the ‘cannot.’ It’s more of a giving himself over to who he is statement than 'I can only,’ for some reason.

So, a little planning, a little wild inspiration. Hee.

I will also say I re-wrote the paragraph around it several times for maximum emotional impact. The forehead touch happened later for several drafts before I decided to double-whammy with it and his pronouncement.

I also kind of regret that I needed to deploy it so (relatively) early in the overall story. it HAD to be here, I wouldn’t change that, I just sometimes worry that in terms of the romance angle it feels like an end-of-the-fic moment and I have kept going 100,000 words PAST it. Which has been a long-standing worry of mine with this story in general, even though *I* feel like I need to tell all of it. I would have felt like things were incomplete if I’d stopped here or when they get back together in February. I want everyone to get what they deserve and I could have served up a heavily summarized epilogue that accomplished this, but (and Brynn will attest to this as I’ve worried over it many times to her) it felt wrong to jam all of Brienne’s year into one or even two-three chapters. I think the payoff is worth it. But if not, we’ve always got this line. Hee.

[Still taking asks for the DVD Commentary meme!]

[purplesurveys]

671

So my school is indefinitely shifting to online classes starting this week and we aren’t having class again until April because of the coronavirus. Wild times.  Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970’s or earlier? Not shows, but movies. Gab introduced me to the Golden Age of Hollywood, and it’s really how we became close friends in the first place. It started with Breakfast at Tiffany’s, then Gone with the Wind, then Mildred Pierce, Waterloo Bridge...then it just kinda snowballed from there. I am a fan of a certain old show, but it ran from the mid-1980s to the early 90s – Perfect Strangers. Who’s your celebrity crush(es)? My top 3 would be Kristen Stewart, Hayley Williams, and Beyonce. I don’t like leaving any one of them out haha. What do you think of fake people? Sometimes you gotta do it, dude. Sometimes it’s not about being fake, it’s being polite and civil. What I do have a problem with is being two-faced with people who genuinely see you as a trusted friend. Whats a song you absolutely hate? I can’t fucking stand Demi Lovato’s new ballad, the one that starts off with “I tried to talk to my piano...” I also can’t stand most Halsey songs because of her voice. Ever been to a rave? Nah. I’ve always preferred parties, but I’m not opposed to trying out a rave at least just once. 

Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? Lmao not at all, but only because this Tumblr is private anyway. Patrice. I’d be a little more hesitant if this had a bit of an audience, though. Are you a jealous person? Not really jealous. I’d say envious is more fitting for me. Who do you text the most out of your friends? My girlfriend, def. I message everyone the equal amount on Messenger though because it’s where everyone is. Song playing right now? I don’t feel like listening to music right now. I do have Gabie on video call though, so some sounds on her end serve as background noise at the moment. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? A few times. The weirdest interaction was when a masseuse for my mom came over one evening – and she’s supposed to be a psychic or recognize the supernatural or whatever – and she asked me if I was currently pregnant. Are you really interested in the lives of celebrities like Miley Cyrus?
 I’m not invested but if I come across an article, I’d take a few minutes to read. I wouldn’t voluntarily go to gossip websites or buy celebrity magazines though. What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public?
 Probably wouldn’t do anything as I don’t wanna be entangled in shady businesses like that. If you don’t have to be up by a certain time, do you like to sleep in as late as possible?
 Sleeping in sounds wonderful, but my body generally doesn’t allow me to. I’m usually fully awake by 8 or 9. What did you buy the last time you went clothes shopping?
 I got two of the same Filipiniana-inspired tops but in different colors, one yellow and one black. How many books do you think you read in a month?
 Zero. Not really a secret on this blog anymore but I don’t read much, ha. How often do you play video games? What are some of your favourites?
 Uhhhh not a lot. I never did get the hang of video games so you will only ever see me playing easy and kiddie ones lmao, like Mario Kart. I tried playing Resident Evil on my own once, couldn’t get through the literal first and easiest mission because I kept dying. Anyway, my favorite may have to be GTA San Andreas - lots of memories with that baby, even though I did always just watch my cousins and dad do all the video gaming. What are a few things that get on your nerves when it comes to Facebook (or your social networking site of choice)?
 Boomers sharing pubmats with awful layout/graphics, boomers sharing daily Bible verses, and boomers being stubborn about fake news. Do you keep a hand-written journal or diary?
 I used to. But Tumblr’s served as my diary for the last seven or so years now, too. What are three things you’ve started to like lately? BOJACK HORSEMAN, the Cold Brew Malt drink from Starbucks Reserve, and the electric fan we have in the living room that I’ve always found to be too loud and too cold/strong – now that the weather’s beginning to feel warm again, that fan’s been a damn blessing. What was the last reason for having butterflies in your stomach?
 Gab requested we video-call tonight because we haven’t seen each other in a while due to the virus outbreak – I hate hate hate video calls and never do them even with her, but because she asked and because she genuinely wanted to, I said yes. If you live with your parents, do you spend a lot of time with them? If you don’t, how often do you go home to visit them?
 I live with them. I don’t really spend time with them as I like having my own space. Having them under the same roof is enough for me. Do you need a lot of space in relationships, or are you happy to spend a lot of time with your SO?
 I can be pretty clingy so I tend to be the latter, but I’ll also want my space sometimes. What was the last thing you cooked from scratch? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Have you ever won anything from those games in arcades?
 We’ve hit the jackpot in some arcade games that awarded us the maximum number of tickets those games can give, but afaik we’ve never spent our saved points on big prizes. We just like to keep accumulating the points haha. When was the last time you went out to a fair?
 First day of February. Came back for my high school’s fair. How far is the nearest zoo or wildlife park from your house? Do you go often?
 I’d say the nearest ‘zoo’ is the eco-park in my school. It’s up a mountain but it’s a pretty quick drive, only takes about 15-20 minutes to get there. And nah dude, I haven’t been there since high school. What are you wearing at the moment? Is it for any particular reason? A tank and a pair of shorts. Do you have anything interesting planned over the next few days?
 Ugh no. This virus is making us stay home for THE NEXT MONTH. Hoping I don’t go crazy. What do you do when you can’t get to sleep?
 I watch something on YouTube or Netflix, or I browse Reddit. Super effective. Are you a morning person? Or does it take you a long time to wake up properly? Am a morning person. I was kinda forced to be ever since I was 4, considering I lived relatively far from my school which meant that the school bus always had to pick me up way earlier than the other kids. In the 14 years I spent in my alma mater I had to wake up at 5 AM every single day, which can easily explain why I’ve never been able to properly sleep in. How old is your oldest living relative?
 I’m pretty sure I still have a living paternal great-grandparent. Not sure about their age, though. Are either one of your parents retired? If not, what do they do for a living?
 My mom is a confidential secretary at a hotel. My dad is an executive sous chef. Do you buy a lot of DVD’s, or do you tend to just watch everything online for free?
 We used to buy DVDs; we had multiple racks back then. But time is obviously a-changing so I watch everything online now, either through Netflix or through sites that illegally stream movies haha. Could you happily spend the day in your pajamas? Or do you prefer to be out and about doing things?
 I’d rather be out and do stuff. Spending the day at home doing nothing can be pretty daunting and claustrophobic. When was the last time you were in a hospital, and what was the reason?
 2010, when I had to be admitted for a low platelet count. Does everyone in your household own their own computer? My mom and brother don’t have one. Do you find that your feet get unusually hot at night sometimes? No, this has never happened to me before.

[mustangshelby04]

Boston Boy - Chapter 7

A/N I’m going to start posting once or twice a week now. Give me time to work on the future chapters and make them great for you. But now, it’s time to meet the Allens!

Kate fidgeted in her seat, waiting for the few cars driving down the road to pass so she could cross and go down her street.  Chris was sitting in the passenger seat looking at his surroundings.  She lived kind of in the middle of nowhere.  There were woods surrounding the road they were about to drive down.  She slowed down near the fourth, well spaced out mailbox and pulled into the driveway there.  

The brick rancher sat in a large clearing.  Where the garage door used to be was a set of dark oak French doors with beautiful stained glass windows in the top half of each.  The main entrance to the house was a single door similar to the French doors at the top of a wide porch.  It was a wide dark oak and the stained glass was the entire middle of the door and on either side were long, thin stained glass windows.  There was a large picture window in the middle of the house with jewel blue and chocolate brown curtains covering it.

Peeking out from those curtains were two dogs that Chris recognized as Denali and Galway.  They were barking madly as Kate parked and turned the car off. “Home sweet home.” She said. “We’ll go in my doors here so we can get our bags in safely.” Chris collected his bag and grabbed Kate’s two bags as well.  She had her purse and carryon bag and was unlocking the French doors.

“These are pretty.” Chris said, admiring the doors.

“Thanks.  I actually picked them out.  And the front door.  It was a mother’s day present from me, my brother, and my step dad.”

“You’re the only car here.  Where is everyone?”

“Work, probably.  We got here earlier than planned.” Kate set her purse and carry on bag down on the leather recliner. “Well, this is my little garage apartment.” In the front was the recliner and a matching sofa set up in front of a 50” Samsung flat screen Smart TV.  The TV was surrounded by a custom TV center made up of two floor to ceiling bookshelves, a row of cubbies above the TV, and an entertainment center below the TV.  The bookshelves were stocked with all kinds of books, photo albums, and DVDs and BluRays.  The entertainment stand was neatly organized with a desktop computer CPU, a Playstation 4, a Direct TV box, and a charging cradle for the Playstation controllers.  Through the glass doors, he could see more DVDs and BluRays.  The cubbies above the TV held knick knacks, stuffed animals, and picture frames.

In the middle of the room were the two large, folding screens with famous landmarks from England, France, and Italy painted on them.  They extended from each wall, creating a wall of their own with a large gap in the middle that served as a doorway to the bedroom.  Between the screen and the TV center was a small refrigerator and a counter with a microwave.

Behind the screen on the left was Kate’s queen sized bed with her stuffed Thumper sitting in front of the pillows.  On the opposite wall from the bed behind the screen on the right was a large, custom closet set up that extended from floor to ceiling.  There were small, shallow drawers for jewelry and larger, deeper drawers for clothing on one side.  In the middle were two large doors that opened to the wardrobe.  On the other side were shelves for shoes.  On the top of it were cabinets for storing bags and other things.  A folding footstool sat between a small flight of stairs and the shelves so Kate could climb up and collect things from the top cabinets.

The small flight of stairs led to a short hallway with two doors, one straight ahead with a small doggy door and one to the right.  The one on the right was Kate’s bathroom.  It wasn’t large, but it had a nice floor to ceiling shower, a good-sized vanity and a toilet.  The door at the end of the hallway led into the main house.  To the left was a step down into a utility room where the washer and dryer was along with a door to the backyard.  To the right was the den with a fireplace and a custom built desk that extended across the far wall.  There was a large and a small archway on one wall.  The smaller archway led to the kitchen while the other led to the living room.  

They didn’t make it past the den, though, because Denali and Galway were on them.  They begged for love from Kate, rubbing against her and barking.  When they noticed Chris, they both abandoned Kate to get love from the stranger in their house.  Chris got down on his knees and played with them.  Kate watched them for a few seconds before she went to the dining room to see if she had any mail on the table.  A wall that stretched halfway across the house separated the kitchen from the living room.  The dining room sat at the end of the wall, connecting the kitchen and the living room.

A hallway led from the living room to the three bedrooms and the bathroom.  Her parents had the master bedroom, her old room, which was the second largest room, was now a guest room slash office, and her sister Janice’s room was the smallest room.  The bathroom was a large bathroom with a stand up shower in one corner and a large, deep Jacuzzi tub in the other corner.  There was a long vanity with two sinks and the toilet sat in a space between the vanity and the tub.

“Come on, guys!  Go outside.” Kate said to the dogs as she rifled through her mail.  The dogs ran ahead to the utility room and bolted out the door into the large, fenced in backyard as soon as she opened it.

“This place is nice.” Chris said behind her. “You grew up here?”

“Yeah.  We moved in my sophomore year of high school and haven’t left.” She gestured at the yard where the dogs were running. “This whole area was terrible.  Overgrown and there were tree stumps everywhere.  My step dad has really fixed the place up over the last fourteen years.  The next thing on his honey-do list is the kitchen.  Mom wants new cabinets and a new dishwasher along with a new refrigerator.  She’ll probably get a new sink and new countertops, too.  Complete overhaul.  Come on, Gally!” Her Boston terrier ran back in the house while Denali continued running around the backyard. “I don’t like to leave Gally out there.  There’s a bald eagle that’s tried to take off with her a few times.”

“Shit!”

Kate picked Gally up and the pooch settled in her owner’s arms cradled against her chest, trying furiously to lick Kate’s face. “I know it’s a felony, but I will kill that bird if it harms one piece of fur on my baby.” She kissed Gally’s nose and set her back down on the ground to follow her and Chris back into Kate’s room.  She flopped down on the bed and sighed. “I have missed this bed.” Gally climbed up the pet stairs on one side and marched up to the head of the bed, laying down on one of the pillows.  Kate watched her and shook her head. “Spoiled brat.”

Chris sat down on the bed and laid back. “Wow.  This bed is comfy.”

“I told you.  It’s definitely more comfortable than yours.”

“Well, I still can’t judge that.  I haven’t slept in it yet.  Or done anything strenuous to test it out.” He rolled up on his side and ran his hand over her ribs. “I mean, we’re alone right now….”

“Travelling doesn’t take it out of you?”

“Are you tired?”

“A little bit.”

“Too tired for….” Chris was cut off by Gally walking up and licking him on his nose.  Kate burst out laughing and Gally snuggled herself by Kate’s head.  Chris laughed and rubbed the Boston’s belly. “Spoiled brat is right.”

Kate pushed Gally towards the edge of the bed. “Go lay on the couch.” Gally hopped down and trotted over to the couch with a huff. “Am I too tired for what?”

Chris leaned down and kissed her deeply, running his hand up her shirt.  He was about to climb on top of her when a loud banging came from her front doors.  They both shot up, smacking their heads together in the process.  Gally started barking madly at the door, jumping up and down in front of it.  A moment later, just as they finished putting themselves together, Kate’s step-dad unlocked the front door and walked into her garage apartment.

“Katie!  You’re home early.” He said in his Southern drawl, petting Gally as she jumped up on the recliner to be loved on. “We weren’t expecting you until this evening.”

“Yeah.” Kate smiled at her step-father. “My flight was booked so we took an earlier flight together.”

“Who’s we?” He was looking Chris up and down.

“Papa, this is Chris.  Chris, this is my papa Bill.”

“The Boston boy.” Bill nodded, still looking highly suspicious of Chris. “We’ve heard a lot about you.  Mostly from her brother.”

“I’ve told you about him.” Kate insisted.  Bill just grunted. “Ok, papa, you’re very intimidating.  Good job.  Chris is intimidated, aren’t you Chris?”

“Yes.” Chris said.  He wasn’t entirely lying.

“You’ve done your fatherly duty, now be a normal human being for once in your life and be nice.”

“Where’s the fun in being a normal human being?” Bill asked.

“It’s completely underrated.  Try it sometime, you’ll see.”

Bill held his hand out to Chris and Chris shook it, wincing slightly at the pressure the older man was putting on. “I’ve been to prison before, son, and I’m not afraid to go back.  Don’t hurt my daughter.”

“Papa!  Ok, out.  Leave.  Goodbye.  I’ve got to get unpacked.” Kate hustled her step-father back out the door.  Gally followed him out, but he shooed her back inside.

“Call your mother and let her know you’ll be home for dinner…. With a guest.”

“Ok.  Love you.” Kate shut the door and shook her head, muttering to herself. “I am so sorry, Chris.”

Chris chuckled, petting Gally between the ears. “It’s ok.  Has he really been to prison?” Kate shot him a look that told him her step-father was dead serious about that one. “Oh shit.”

“Don’t worry.  Asshole McGhee is still walking this earth.  So, you stand a chance against my papa.” Asshole McGhee was the name she’d given her ex that had cheated on her and nearly ruined her life.

“Good to know.  Are you sure I shouldn’t get a hotel?”

“I’m sure.  It was part of the agreement with my parents when I paid to renovate the garage into an apartment that they stay out of my business.  This is my apartment, that’s their house.  He doesn’t usually just barge in like that.”

“Extenuating circumstances?”

“Like me meeting someone in Boston on a trip by myself and wanting to make sure I’m not dead or suddenly have a pimp?  Yeah.  That’s his definition of extenuating.”

“So, you paid to renovate this place?”

“Yeah.  I took out a small loan for it.  I just finished paying it off earlier this year.”

“What happens when you decide to move out?”

Kate shrugged. “They’ll probably add a small stove and rent it out for more than they’re charging me.”

“They charge you rent?”

“Well, sort of.  It’s kind of a roommate set up.  I pay a portion of all the bills.”

“Oh.  Sorry, I don’t mean to pry into your finances.”

“It’s ok.  I’m going to start unpacking.” She handed him the remote. “Make yourself comfy.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Later that evening, Chris was watching a Golden Girls marathon while Kate was stretched out on the couch beside him with her head in his lap.  She’d fallen asleep and had stayed that way for almost two hours now.  He didn’t mind.  He happily stayed still and stroked her hair, running his fingers gently through the golden mass.  She hadn’t styled it, so her naturally wavy hair was on display.  He decided that he liked it better that way.

A knock at the door in the short hallway disturbed Gally’s sleeping form on the back of the couch.  She shot up, barking, and jumped down on Kate’s hip.  Kate yelped and curled into a little ball, glaring fiercely at her dog as she ran for the door.  She sat up, rubbing her hip, and looked around.

“Ugh, what time is it?”

“About 5:30.” Chris said.

“Wow, I was out.” Kate stood up and went over to answer the door.  It was her mother. “Sorry, I was asleep.  Gally, hush!  It’s just Granny.”

“You didn’t tell me you were coming home early.  I would’ve come home early, too.” Helena said, hugging her daughter tightly.

“I meant to call you, but I fell asleep.  But I’m glad we got here early so I could unpack.  Now I can show Chris around tomorrow.” Helena spotted Chris standing up from the couch and let out a startled noise. “Mom, this is….”

“You think I don’t recognize Captain America?”

“This is Chris.  Chris, this is my mom, Helena.”

“It’s really nice to meet you.” Chris said, shaking Helena’s hand. “Kat talks about you a lot.”

“She talks about you, a lot, too.” Helena replied.

“Mom!” Kate’s face was turning a deep pink.

“What?  You do.  How did I not know that your Boston boy was Chris Evans?”

“Quit being rude.  And you didn’t know because I didn’t tell you.  Also, you don’t pay attention to the internet.”

“I did see a story on Facebook yesterday about Chris Evans being at a game with some blonde girl.  I didn’t think for a second it was you.”

“Thanks.”

Helena shrugged. “The pictures weren’t that great and I can’t see great anyway.” She looked at Chris. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Chris smiled. “I know this isn’t the most orthodox thing on the planet, but I really do like your daughter.  A lot.  I hope that we can get to know each other and I can prove to you that I’ll make a good partner for her.”

Helena nodded. “You’re polite.  That’s good.  I won’t grill you too hard right now.  I think we’ll have time for that later if you’re spending the week.  Right now,” She looked at her daughter. “I don’t feel like cooking tonight.  Let’s go out somewhere.”

“Oh, I’m tired of eating out somewhere.” Kate said. “I’ll cook, if you want.”

“If you want to, but I’m not helping.”

“You say that every time and every time you wander into the kitchen and nitpick.”

Helena shrugged. “So what are you making?”

“I don’t know.  Dinner.” Kate turned to Chris. “Do you wanna run to the store with me and we can pick something out?”

“Sure.” Chris smiled. “That sounds great.”

“Ok.”

“Take your sister, please.” Helena said as she headed back for the main part of the house with Gally hot on her heels.

“What?  Why?”

“Because she needs to do something besides work and watch TV.”

“Mom, you have tomorrow off and you can make her do all the things then.  I am not spending twenty minutes combing the store trying to find her because she’s roamed off somewhere.  I just want to get the groceries and get back.”

“You’re being mean.”

“No.  I’m being practical.  If you want to eat dinner on time, then Jan stays here.”

“Fine.  Have it your way.” Helena disappeared into the hallway and the door shutting came a moment later.

“Sorry.” Kate turned back to Chris. “Jan has this thing where she roams off everywhere we go.  It’s a real pain in the ass when she does it at Target or Wal-Mart.  I once spent forty five minutes searching for her at Target.  And don’t get me started on taking her to the mall.”

Chris shrugged. “I didn’t think you were being mean.”

Kate grabbed her purse off the recliner and pulled her keys out. “Mom is always quick to defend Jan.  Especially from me.  Like I said, she still thinks I’m that misguided teen who was angry and took things out on my little sister.” She sighed as she opened the front door. “This week is going to be so much fun.”

“I think it will be.”

“You haven’t met Janice yet.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Kate had decided on salmon steaks, rice, and a roasted vegetable medley for dinner.  She’d had to get a chicken breast for her sister because Jan refused to eat the salmon.  Chris sat in the living room talking with Kate’s parents while she cooked.  Jan wasn’t very engaged in the conversation.  Her eyes were glued to the TV as they usually were.  Gally was sitting in Chris’ lap demanding to be petted while he talked.  Denali would come over and nudge him for attention, but Gally would manage to get his hands back on her.

When dinner was about ready, Chris offered to set the table.  Kate directed him to where everything was located and he kissed her cheek every time he walked by.  Helena came in and checked on the food for about the dozenth time, nodding her approval at her daughter’s cooking skills.

“We got pie for dessert.” Chris announced as they sat down at the table. “Key lime.”

“It’s the kind you like, papa.” Kate added.

“I don’t like key lime.” Jan said.

“Then don’t eat it.”

“Kate.” Helena warned.

“What?  No one is forcing her to eat the pie.”

Helena rolled her eyes and looked at Chris. “Usually I would ask you what you do for a living, but that seems like a stupid question.”

“Why?” Bill asked.

“He’s Captain America.”

“Oh.”

“You liked ‘Snowpiercer’, papa.” Kate reminded him as she passed him the bowl of rice. “Remember?  You watched it a few months ago.”

“That’s the one on the train, right?”

“Yeah.” Chris said.

“So that was you, huh?  That was a good movie.”

“Thank you.”

“Mom was a theatre major in college.” Kate said to Chris. “I can’t remember if I told you that.”

“Yeah.  You mentioned it.” Chris looked at Helena. “What college did you go to?”

“Southern Illinois University.” Helena said. “They had a good theatre program.”

“Were you on stage a lot?”

“I liked the backstage work more, but I did a few plays.”

“I guess Kat gets her creative side from you?”

“She gets it from both her parents.  Her father is talented in his own right.” Bill snorted and Helena shot him a look as he scooped up a large helping of veggies.

“Mom won’t say bad things about my father.” Kate explained, a forkful of salmon on her way to her mouth. “She still thinks it’s wrong to speak badly of him in front of her kids.”

“I’ve got plenty of things to say if you want to hear them.” Bill said, shooting his daughter a mischievous glint.

“You’ll do no such thing, William Allen.” Helena said.

Chris looked over at Kate and she smiled slightly. “I took his last name after I turned eighteen.” She explained. “It used to be Loewenthal.”

“That’s a mouthful.” Chris said, seemingly demonstrating by shoveling a mouthful of rice into his mouth.

“Yeah.  People have never pronounced it right.”

“Her father wouldn’t sign the papers to let her change her name when she was younger.” Helena said. “She had to wait until she was old enough.

“Kat told me about everything you guys went through.  I’m really sorry that happened.”

“Thank you.  So you’ve seen some of Kate’s pictures?”

“Yes, ma’am.  She showed them to me in Boston.  They’re amazing.”

“She does have a good eye for it.  Katie’s always been creative.  From the figure skating and the dancing to the plays she did in high school and now the pictures.  She really loved to be on stage, though.  The military base near here has a playhouse and they put on ‘Cinderella’ last year.  She tried out for the lead role and was sure she wasn’t going to get it because she thought she was terrible at the audition.  She ended up playing Cinderella every weekend for about six weeks.”

“Do you remember when I did ‘Grease’ that one summer back home in Kentucky?”

“Was that when they condemned the theatre?”

“Yeah.” Kate looked at Chris. “The place was really old and needed to be torn down, but for some reason, they let the theatre company do ‘Grease’.  They had marks on the stage where it wasn’t a good idea to stand because you might fall through.  And a good portion of the marks we were supposed to hit were right over or right next to the bad marks.  The whole play was us hopping around and trying not to fall through the stage while singing.”

Chris laughed. “That must’ve been a sight.”

“I’ve got a video of it.” Helena said. “We converted our old VHS tapes to DVDs about a year ago.  I’ll have to dig some out for you.”

“I would love that.  Thank you very much, Mrs. Allen.”

“Oh, call me Helena.  I feel old when people call me missus.”

“It’s because you are old.” Bill said. “You’re two years older than me, Mr. Allen.”

“I admit that I’m old.  Catch up.”

Kate saw Chris smiling at her parents’ banter.  She took his hand under the table and he turned that smile on her. “Usually papa isn’t so reserved.  Give him a couple of days and he’ll be at the table in just his underwear and turning everything said into a sexual innuendo.”

“It’s a gift my husband has.” Helena said. “Some things he says you just sit there and wonder how he got from point A to point Sex.”

“He also wins the lottery a lot.  But only scratch offs.  Never the Power Ball or anything.”

“My luck doesn’t work with that.” Bill said. “I don’t know why.”

“Slot machines are goldmines for him, too.” Helena added. “We went to Las Vegas and left with more than we came with.  I saved money for the trip and he took twenty dollars of it and paid for the whole trip with that twenty.”

“Nice!” Chris said. “What’s your secret?”

“It’s no secret.” Kate said. “He has a golden horseshoe jammed up his ass.  Which I better inherit when you bite it, old man.”

“You’ve got to dig it out if you want it.” Bill retorted. “I’m not getting it for you.”

“I’ll just get the undertaker to haul it out.”

“He’ll probably steal it for himself.”

“Nope.  I’ll be there taking pictures.”

“What about your brother?  He’s first in line.”

“He makes six figures a year and I’m pretty sure he’s CIA.  He doesn’t need a golden horseshoe.”

“Your brother is CIA?” Chris asked.

“I think he is.”

“He’s not CIA.” Helena said.

“He’s secretive about where he goes.  He can’t talk about most aspects of his job.  And he knows too much about things I can’t explain how he knows about them.  He’s definitely CIA.”

“That’s kind of terrifying.” Chris said.

“Right!?  I’ve been trying to get him to fess up, but he swears he’s not.  I just say the brother doth protest too much.”

Chris looked over at Janice who had been quiet this whole time. “Janice, are you close with your brother?” Janice just shrugged.

“Don’t be rude, Janice.  Answer him.” Helena said.

“Not really.” Janice said.

Chris tried again. “Kat says that you like movies.  What are some of your favorites?”

“I don’t like superhero movies.”

“That’s not what he asked.” Bill snapped.

“Bill….” Helena started.

“Helena, there’s no reason for her to be so rude.”

Janice let out a loud huff and stood up from the table, storming off back to her bedroom and slamming the door.  Helena closed her eyes in frustration and Kate shook her head. “Sorry, Chris.” Kate said. “She’s uh…. Well, I told you she’s a handful.”

Helena started to get up, but Bill stopped her. “No.  Let her sulk.  We’ve got company and she doesn’t need to be out here if she’s going to act that way.” He looked over at Kate. “The food is delicious, baby.  I love it.”

“Thank you.” Kate said, happy that her step-dad had relieved the sudden tension. “I saw the recipe on Pinterest and wanted to try it.”

“You and your aunt.” Helena said. “You’re always on Pinterest.”

“Oh, like you’re not?” Kate shot back playfully. “Don’t forget I’m friends with you on there.  I’m pretty sure you have ninety eight percent of the recipes on Pinterest pinned to your food board.”

“Eighty two percent.” Helena said with a laugh. “There’s some on there that are just plain silly.”

“Kat said you learned to cook in France.” Chris said. “That’s really cool.”

“It was one of the many places I learned.” Helena said. “My brother was stationed in Germany and I spent the summer with him a couple of times.  I met this old French woman while visiting Paris and she invited me to come to her house because I loved food so much.  I ended up living with her for a month while she taught me all kinds of things about cooking and baking.”

“Helena has lived a remarkable life.” Bill said. “But her best moments are when she’s asleep.”

“Bill….”

“Has Katie told you that her mother sleep walks?”

“No.” Chris said.

“Here we go.” Helena said.

“Our dog Ireland used to sleep on my side of the bed and she would nudge my hand to get me to pet her in the middle of the night.  One night she nudged me and when I went to pet her, she wasn’t there.  I didn’t think much of it and went back to sleep, but she did it again.  So I opened my eyes to see her staring up past me with a weird look on her face.  I look over and Helena is standing spread eagle against the wall like she’s being patted down by the police.  I said, ‘Helena, what the hell are you doing?’  She didn’t even look at me.  She just said, ‘Never mind.  Go back to sleep.’” Chris started laughing and Bill joined in.

Helena rolled her eyes. “I think they’re making it all up.”

“No.  You’ve scared the shit out of me with your sleepwalking.” Kate insisted. “I woke up one night when I felt someone staring at me.  You know that creepy feeling you get?  Well, I opened my eyes and she was right over me.  When I said her name…. Mom, not her actual name…. She said, ‘Don’t fight the nuns.  They’re going to kill you.’  Then she just stood up straight and walked out.  I was scared to even move.” 

Chris’ hand was holding his chest as he laughed. “Oh my god!”

“I was just trying to protect my daughter.” Helena said.

“I’ve been terrified of nuns ever since.” Kate joked. “Thank god it didn’t happen when I was going to Catholic school.  That would’ve really fucked me up.”

“I don’t think Katie inherited that from me.”

“I didn’t.  I just got the insomnia and the restless legs.”

“I keep telling you to go to the doctor about that.”

“I don’t see how those sleep studies work.  I sleep bad enough as it is.  Hooking me up to a bunch of machines and filming me isn’t going to make me sleep better.  There’s no way the data is accurate.”

“My mom has RLS.” Chris said. “She hated the sleep study they did on her, but the medicine they gave her has helped.”

“Does it make her tired?” Helena asked.

“It knocks her right out.”

“Mine does, too.  Katie picks on me at night when we’re watching a TV show and I start falling asleep.”

“It’s to keep you from saying something in your sleep that will traumatize me.” Kate said.  She smiled as Chris and Bill started laughing.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Chris crawled into the bed in just his underwear as Kate finished up in the bathroom.  They had stayed up kind of late watching home movies of Kate performing on stage and skating.  Watching her skating videos had given him an idea.  While Kate was at work Monday, he would have to look into making that idea come true.

Kate walked down the stairs and smiled at him. “That’s a good sight.”

“Hmm?” Chris asked, snuggling deeper into the bed.

“Chris Evans in my bed.  I guess Princess Aurora was right.” She climbed in next to him.

“What was she right about?”

Kate pointed at the little wooden sign hanging by the stairs.  It had the silhouette of Aurora dancing with Prince Phillip and in pretty scroll letters next to it, it said, “If you dream something more than once, it’s sure to come true.”  

Chris chuckled. “Well, we are comparable to Phillip and Aurora.  You said so yourself.”

Kate laughed. “Once upon a dream.”

Chris pulled her to him. “What did you dream about me doing in this bed?”

“Oh, a little of this and a little of that.”

He laughed. “You’re quoting the movie.”

“Of course I am.”

“I do love that movie.”

“Me too.”

“So, tell me.  What does dream Chris do that I need to live up to?”

“You really want to know?” 

“Oh, I really want to.” He nuzzled her just behind her ear, making her sudder.

“Well, in one dream he finds a pair of handcuffs that I own and uses those on me.”

“Kinky.  What about specifics?  What exactly does he do to you while he’s got you restrained?”

“Hmm…. There’s a lot of teasing with his mouth.  Sometimes he has a beard and sometimes he’s Steve Rogers clean.  I prefer the beard because it can tickle and scratch at the same time.”

Chris moved her hair away from her neck and started kissing her shoulder and neck. “What about with his hands?”

“Oh, he uses those too.  I’m pretty sure there’s not one inch of my skin that isn’t touched by him.”

He reached down as far as he could and ran his hand up her thigh, over her hip, and across her ribcage before cupping her breast as he bit down lightly on her shoulder. “What else?”

“Um….” It was getting hard for her to think clearly with his roaming hands and his erection pushing into her backside.  She could feel the slight movements against her as his hips pumped almost imperceptibly. “God…. Uh…. He spent a lot of time between my thighs.  Biting and sucking and licking…. Jesus, Chris, I can’t even think right now.”

Chris pulled her onto her back and moved over her, attaching his mouth to her right breast.  She let out a moan as one of his hands snaked down her stomach and dipped below her underwear.  He made an almost purring noise when he discovered how wet she was for him.  His fingers began to lightly swirl her clit, teasing her, as he moved his lips down her body.  Before he reached her thighs, he looked up and grinned.

“Hold onto the headboard.” He said, voice husky. “Don’t let go until I tell you.” She reached up and gripped two of the slats of the headboard.  

He smiled and went back to kissing, licking, and sucking his way around her thighs as he worked her underwear down her legs.  Once they were gone, he spread her legs out and rested them on his shoulders.  His tongue flicked out over her folds and she writhed under him.  He gently raked his nails on her hips as he gripped them to hold her still.  She held on tightly to the headboard as he sent bolts of pleasure throughout her body.  Just as she felt the first waves of her orgasm start, he pulled his mouth away.  She let out a squeak of disappointment.

“What happens next?” He asked, moving back up her body.

“Uh….” She shook her head, trying to clear the fog. “In that dream…. I don’t know.” He shot her a confused look. “I wake up before the next thing.”

“Well, I guess I’ll have to adlib.” He looked at her body appraisingly. “How much flexibility did you maintain from figure skating?”

“Guess you’ll just have to find out.” She smirked up at him and he chuckled.

“Oh, I intend to.” Chris sat up on his knees between her legs and reached behind him to grab her ankles.  

Instead of keeping them spread once they were in front of him, he held them together and braced them both on his left shoulder.  He leaned forward until her knees were touching her chest.  She moaned when he pushed deep inside of her, the angle making her feel full of him.  His pace was slow and steady, bordering on torturous.  Their grunts and moans were almost in sync with each other.  When he wanted to pick up the pace, he sat back up on his knees and spread her legs to either side of him, holding her knees against his ribs.  He picked up the pace and was pleased to see that she never let go of the headboard.

“I thought…. you were…. going to…. test…. my flex…. ability.” She said, between thrusts.

Chris grunted and pulled out of her, dropping her legs. “You can let go of the headboard now and get on all fours.” She did as he asked, moving slowly so he could enjoy the show.  Once she made it on all fours, he lifted her left leg up behind her and rested her shin on his shoulder.  He was impressed that she didn’t even flinch. “How far up can I push this leg?”

“Well, I used to be able to reach behind me and pull it up behind my head.  I don’t think it would go that far now, but try for a ninety-degree angle.”

He scooted closer and her leg went up, her toes pointing at the ceiling.  He had to lean back slightly to enter her from behind, but when he did, the sensations were incredible.  The angle was so different than anything he’d ever experienced before.  She’d never tried this position before, either.  They both couldn’t hold back the noises that escaped their lips.  He felt her flutter around him and then seize down on him suddenly.  She cried out into her pillows as he picked the pace up through her orgasm.  Her hands dug into the covers and she collapsed down off her hands to her elbows.  The new angle pulled him in deeper and soon she was coming again.  When the last of her second orgasm began to fade, he felt himself about to go.  She squeezed her pelvic muscles and he yelped, spilling himself inside her.

They laid on the bed staring at the ceiling and panting.  Both of them were covered in a fine sheen of sweat.  When they looked at each other, they both started laughing.  He pulled her to him and she laid her head on his chest.

“How’s your leg?” Chris asked.

“Stretched and ready to go.” She answered. “The other one is a little jealous.”

He patted her right leg. “Next time.”

Tag List:

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[sugirandom]

365 days of writing: day 345 and 346

Days 345 and 346: cold

   Yesterday my day went ok other than us having another Kanji test, I actually didn’t really study much since I felt I’d do badly either way so I just did what I could remember..which as always was not much. I find it weird that I can manage to draw sometimes but Kanji just doesn’t work. Then again I was never very good at copying an image exactly as it is and I guess that’s why I struggle with writing Kanji correctly as well, either that or despite it feeling like drawing sometimes it’s actually still writing so it’s still the writing part of my brain and therefore I still can’t do it but can draw...IDK. I haven’t drawn in so long either because of my sore wrist so I worry I might not do great at that at first either ...I started rambling....sorry

Anyway, after class I came home because someone was coming to look at the hot water and of course it worked for him but the fact that the water wasn’t immediatly hot concerned him enough so he decided that he needs to replace the hot water heater and plans to come do that Wednesday afternoon. I basically spent the evening catching up on my youtube videos and got a visit from a guy who is living in an apartment on the 3rd floor. I was hoping he could give me some good advice about how to handle the student visa if I quit the school but other than telling me to maybe try getting a job and changinig it to a work VIsa he didn’t have a whole lot of suggestions. So, I was beginning to despair again.

Today class was so-so but I struggled with listening class. I think I can understand it if I only listen but the problem is the teacher asks us to take notes and it’s so fast that if I stop to take notes I miss information. I think next time I will just listen and see if that goes better, I am a pretty auditory learner so I think trying to get me to write is what the problem is. Man, all my problems are summed up as writing problems aren’t they?  Anyway, after class I wondered around to try to find a new place to eat that wasn’t too pricey but it was freezing out so I gave up and went to Okonomiyaki place I like to eat at near school because I knew that they’d turn on that grill they have on the table and that that would help warm me up. My mood got a little bit better after lunch. I have decided to ask the place I sub for if they’ll have any full-time openings next semester and other thant that I’ll stop trying to figure things out for now. I think that if I’m meant to do something else that that option will become available. Also, just as I thought you can’t get into voice acting over here if you aren’t Japanese so I will pursue that when I come home. Anyway, after lunch I bought some rice to have with dinner and then I came home, studied breifly, and then finished my youutbe queue.

I also finally got back to watching DBZ. I watched episode 103 and 104 and the website I’m using breifly swtiched to some sort of fandub of I guess a TV recording or maybve a Japanese VHS of DBZ for episode 103. I could tell right away because they cut out the opening and ending, the animation was grainier, and in my (controversal) opinion looked better than the cleaned-up quality they usually use that is clearly from the Fuinmation DVDs or Blue-rays. They switched back after that though for episode 104 and they did a fake out where they tried to make us think Freeza was finally going to die but I knew it was too good to be true. I think the only way I can think of to explain how 1 minute still isn’t up yet is that I guess they can fight at such a fast speed that that’s how time is so slow when we view what they’re doing. This does not explain how all the other scenes involving characters who aren’t fighting seem to be affected the same way. That’s just when you have to stop thinking too hard about it ne? So yeah, I’m going to go have some dinner now but I wanted to do my entries since I finished my videos a bit early and I didn’t think it was a good idea to eat an hour earlier than usual so I needed to pass the time a bit.

[stacks-reviews]

New Releases 8/29/17

Happy New Release Day!

This is the big one folks. The one we’ve all been waiting and training for.

The Lion King, The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride, and The Lion King 1 1/2 is finally freed from on the vault. I missed picking it up the first time it came out on DVD/Blu-Ray but I am not missing out this time. Unfortunately for our wallets, all three will have to be bought separately. Which is mildly frustrating since Pocahontas, Lilo and Stitch, Mulan, and The Fox and the Hound were all released with their sequels in a combo pack earlier this year. For the same price as what one of these alone will be. Yet I can’t blame Disney for wanting to cash in while they can though they really don’t need to. I’ll definitely be getting the first two later today. I’ve never seen the third and I don’t particularly care to.

In Books --A Song for Quiet (Persons Non Grata #2) by Cassandra Khaw “Deacon James is a wandering bluesman straight from Georgia, a black man with troubles that he can’t escape, and music that won’t let him go. On a train to Arkham, he meets trouble - visions of nightmares, gaping mouths and gasping tendrils, and a madman who calls himself John Persons. According to the stranger, Deacon is carrying a seed in his head, a thing that will destroy the world if he lets it hatch. The mad ravings chase Deacon to his next gig. His saxophone doesn’t call up his audience from their seats, it calls up monstrosities from across dimensions. As Deacon flees, chased by horrors and cultists, he stumbles upon a runaway girl, who is trying to escape her father, and the destiny he has waiting for her. Like Deacon, she carries something deep inside her, something twisted and dangerous. Together, they seek to leave Arkham, only to find the Thousand Young lurking in the woods. The song in Deacon’s head is growing stronger, and soon he won’t be able to ignore it any more.”

I have not read the first book (Hammers on Bone) in this series yet but I don’t think you will necessarily need to in order to read this one. John Persons was the main character in book one but it looks like he’ll be taking a back seat in book two. It was actually this book that made me interested in this series. I love it when music is a form of magic.

--Akashic Records of Bastard Magical Instructor Volume 1 by Tarou Hitsuji and illustrated by Aosa Tsunemi “Lumia and Sisti are mages-in-training at a prestigious magical academy where they hope to be taught by the best of the best. However, when their favorite instructor suddenly retires, his replacement turns out to be a total jerk - he’s idle, incompetent, and always late! Can Lumia help uncover their new teacher’s true potential - and can Sisti still learn magic and unravel the secrets of the mysterious Sky Castle with such a terrible mentor as her guide?”

I watched the anime of this series on Crunchyroll, though I still need to finish the last episode or two. If you ever decide to try it out, give it two episodes. It does a complete mood change near the end of episode two and from the there the show really starts getting good. The volume showed up a little early at my work so I flipped through it at the end of my shift. The end of episode two is where the volume ends. Or maybe it was a little into episode three? 

There is some mild fan-service in this series. And the new teacher is a perv. But other than that I really enjoyed the show and I’m excited to read the manga.

--Kigurumi Guardians Volume 1 by Lily Hoshino “Hakka Sasakura’s life it about to turn upside-down. She comes home from a day of admiring her student body president to discover that a mysterious creature resembling a man in an animal suit has taken up residence in her home. What’s more, she has been chosen to work with this strange being to fight off invaders from another dimension and save the world...and she has to kiss him to do so?!”

Really drawn to this series because of the art style. Which this series is written and illustrated by the artist of Penguin Drum. Which then makes me think of Utena and Yurikuma Arashi. The first chapter is available to read on Kodansha’s website. It covers how Hakka and two other students (one girl and one boy (yay more magical boys!)) are recruited and become involved in a short fight with one of the weaker dimensional beings. Though none of them fight in the first chapter, it was set up for them to see that such beings are indeed real and threatening their world.

In Movies --A Journey Through Fairyland “Michael is a gifted oboe player, but his heart’s not in it. He ignores his musical studies to lose himself in the garden, playing for the benefit of his beloved flowers. Michael’s frustrated teacher gives him an ultimatum: Be serious, or leave the music school forever! Despondent, Michael prepares to say goodbye to the garden. But the floral fairy Florence, so bewitched by his music, bestows a powerful magic wand on Michael, and whisks him away. Will Michael’s astonishing adventure with Florence in Fairyland help him rediscover his love of music?”

Really want to see this. It was directed by Masami Hata who also directed Little Nemo Adventures in Storyland and The Sea Prince and the Fire Child. Which I have also never seen. But all three just look amazing. Especially Little Nemo.

--Marmalade Boy Collection 1 “Miki Koishikawa’s parents have always been strange. While deeply caring for their daughter, they’re prone to wasteful spending, oversleeping, and even taking extravagant trips. And their latest trip to Hawaii has brought back something truly outrageous: love. Not for each other, but for a different couple entirely! With her parents planning to divorce and swap partners with the Matsuuras, Miki’s life is turned upside down with a new, highly abnormal family all living together in one house. To top it off, Matsuuras have a son named Yuu exactly Miki’s age, and he’s too gorgeous for words. For better or worse, this is Miki’s life now, but adjusting won’t be easy when jealous rivals and old flames enter the mix!

Collection 1 includes episodes 1-38 of this classic shoujo series. I have never seen this series but two of my friends are very excited for this re-release. At first I thought this would be a more drama shoujo series but after a second thought I realized that it is more of a romantic comedy. After all, with both families under the same roof but staying with the others spouse there is sure to be a lot of funny, awkward situations.

--The Nutcracker Fantasy “After a young girl, Clara, receives a nutcracker from her enigmatic Uncle Drosselmayer, she finds that her precious present is stolen by thieving rats led by Mauslynx, the double-headed rat queen. To win it back, Clara enters a surreal land through her family’s grandfather clock. One of her stops is the Kingdom of Dolls, where she finds the king grieving over his cursed, eternally-asleep daughter, Princess Mary, a doppelganger for Clara herself. She and Franz, the captain of the guards and Mary’s suitor, infiltrate the army of rats in a desperate attempt to dethrone the despot!”

A stop-motion film from 1979 made with dolls. It reminds me of the classic Christmas films of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, The Year Without Santa Claus, and so on. Which I watch every year so this title would be a nice addition to add to my yearly movies. Also, film wise, it looks very impressive. I looked up a trailer on YouTube and it has some pretty great camerawork that I don’t think I’ve seen in other stop-motion films of that era.

Those are my top picks for this week. Other great titles are also coming out today like Gotham S3 and Ushio and Tora (the new series). What is everyone most excited for?

[chuckisgod]

Deals With the Devil (Lin x Reader) Part 2

Pairings: Lin x Reader

Warnings: Angst, lots of it.

Word Count: 3525... This is the longest thing I’ve ever written.

AN: This is it! It’s the end of my Supernatural-based fic. I’m probably going to go cry for hours now. I hope you like it!

Tags: @the-and-peggy @hamiltrashtothemax @plamspringsdancingontables @piercethemarti @fandomsinabookshelf @beautifulfound @hamil-tonn-of-trash @hamlltvn @barnesgasm @superwholockbooknerd526

Part 1

February 22, 2016 (366 days before) Catching a cab three streets up from the warehouse, Lin rode to the hospital, his heart racing a mile a minute. God if what that man, Crowley, had said was true, you’d be alive, but he’d also have a timer on his life. If what Crowley said was true, in precisely a year. He’d be gone.

As they arrived, his heart in his throat, he pictured you awake, hell even you being alive would be good enough for him. Pulling out his wallet he paid the driver and tipped him generously before walking back into the place he had raced out of earlier.     “Mr. Miranda!” The lady at the front desk called him over, “We’ve been trying to get in contact with you for the past hour. Something happened. She’s awake and asking for you. Room 372.”     The race down the hallway seemed quicker than last time he had completed it, and he realized that it because he knew you were okay, that you and the baby were okay. God, there was a little human he had created that was going to eventually live, and he would only be around to see it for four months. Four months that he would treasure his daughter or son.     The door of the hospital room was ajar, and he could hear the humming of various machines. You might be alive, but you were still hurt. It wasn't even your fault. You had the right of way, and so you attempted to cross the street, but a cab had hit a patch of ice and couldn't stop in time before it plowed right into you.

Lin pushed the door open the rest of the way, and suddenly he was by your side. “I can’t believe you're okay,” he whispered, crying into his hands. “Last time I was here I thought you were dead.”

“I’m okay, just a little banged up.” He grabbed your hand, trying to be careful around the IV set in your arm.

“Is there something you want to tell me?” he asked rubbing his thumb on the skin on the back of your hand, his red eyes staring into yours like he was looking for an answer.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“The doctor found something interesting in one of your tests that I thought you might already know.” Seeing the confused look in your eye, taking the hand he was holding he gently set it on your lower abdomen.

May 28th, 2016 (270 days before) The vows Lin had written felt like a weight in his pocket as he fumbled with tying his tie. The room he was getting ready in seemed smaller than when he had entered it.

“Woah, Lin. Take it, steady man.” Suddenly Chris’s fingers were at his neck, retying the tie that Lin’s nervous fingers had mangled. “I don’t understand why you’re so nervous. It’s not like you haven’t been planning this for months.”

“I just- What if she doesn’t want to marry me.”

“Are you being serious right now? Because honestly if it’s even possible that girl loves you almost more than you love her.”

In the room you were getting ready in, you didn't have the same doubts. You knew Lin loved you. Lin had been so great with helping to plan the wedding and dealing with you being pregnant that obviously, he did.

And so as you walked out of the room to walk down the aisle, you weren’t worried about Lin being at the end of it; you were terrified of falling on your face. You only stumbled once, but thankfully it was right into the arms of the love of your life and knew that life your life was going to be fine if Lin was in it.

June 12th, 2016 (255 days before) Trying to find a dress for the Tony's while five months pregnant was about as difficult as you would have imagined but knowing you had to be there to support your husband and his act of creation, but you powered through.

You might have been cutting it a little close, but the dress you had decided on with Pippa and Jasmine's help was worth it.

When Lin finally saw you in your dress the night of the awards, he gasped before moving over to you and swinging you around. “Careful,” you warned.

“You look beautiful,”

During the limo ride, Lin must have been nervous, his leg bouncing and his hands balled into fists.

“Hey,” you whispered, pulling one of his hands into both of yours. “Hamilton's nominated sixteen times. If you don't win something, it must have been rigged.”

The limo was pulling onto the road, and suddenly Lin was opening the door into the chaos and pulling you across the seat and into the craziness.

You wished you could avoid the red carpet, but Lin's hand on your arm kept you steady and sure that you would be okay, while he chatted with the press.

You watched later as the ‘little musical’ your husband had written won awards for almost every category it was nominated in. You weren’t surprised when your husband even ended up taking home 2 of the awards for himself.

July 9th, 2016 (228 days before) Lin’s last night as Hamilton started out as most days in the Miranda household do, with Lin waking you up by singing whatever song was stuck in his head. Today it was Helpless, and as soon as he saw that you were up, he pulled you out of bed and swung you around the apartment.

After making a breakfast fit for an entire royal family, you were eating for two, after all, you and Lin took the A-line farther into the city and parted ways close to the Richard Rodgers where you took a turn that led you deeper into the city towards work. “I’ll see you at the show,” Lin whispered, kissing the hand he was holding before letting you go.

Throughout the day as Lin was saying not goodbye but so long for now to some of his coworkers, some of his best friends. He tried to picture himself anywhere other than where he was, and he couldn’t even imagine it.

He felt more energized during the night’s performance almost as though him knowing you were in the crowd watching him made him two hundred times better than the perfect he already was, and when he was making his final bow he sought out your eyes in the crowd.

As you waded through the crowd of people in the lobby of the Richard Rodgers after the show, you made your way backstage. Stopping into the girl’s dressing room, you watched Pippa’s teary goodbye with the girls who played her sisters, and you almost began crying when she turned her attention to you in the doorway.

“There you are!” A breathless Daveed exclaimed almost pulling you out of your embrace with Pippa, “Lin’s been looking for you everywhere, and he was too scared of being mobbed to go out into the lobby.

“Bye Pippa! I’ll see you for pie in a couple of days. Right?” She nodded and let you go.     Knocking at the door to his dressing room, you heard a muffled, “Come in,” before you pushed open the door. You almost burst out laughing when you did. Lin was stuck. One of his arms out of the top of his Hamilton costume, but his other arm and his head were hopelessly tangled in the fabric.

“Geez Lin, What am I going to do with you?”

October 12th, 2016 (133 days before) The day his daughter was born, Lin was very busy. He had been writing the intro for a talk show he was appearing in the next week while you slept in the next room. Little did he know that within his next few hours his whole life was going to change or that you would end up breaking his hand in the process.

Aria Grace Miranda was born on a partly cloudy Wednesday in the middle of October kicking and screaming with all ten fingers and all ten toes. But later as friends and family stopped by to see the new little one they would remark on how she was the sweetest, most well-behaved baby they had ever seen, her parents would smile at each other and know that they were possibly never going to get a full night’s sleep ever again.     November 2, 2016 (112 days before) Lin walked briskly, his coat flapping in the cold winter’s breeze. Ducking inside the open door of a nearby bookstore he decided to roam through the sections, as usual, when he came to the children’s section, he ran his fingers across the spines, picturing his baby girl hopefully asleep in her crib. He would only ever know her as a baby, but you would be there for everything, her first word when she started walking.

In 10 years, his little princess wouldn’t be able to determine his voice from the next guy’s. Taking out his phone, he grabbed the closest book on the shelf, “Goodnight Moon,” and flipping to the audio recorder, started reading.

After he had done 3 or 4 books, an employee of the bookstore came over and just watched him for a couple of minutes. “Is there a reason why you’re reading children’s books into your phone, sir?”

“I’m-” how was he going to explain that he was reading children’s books into his phone because in a little under four months he’d be dead. “-I’m sick and I only have a few months to live, and I want my daughter to be able to hear my voice reading a bedtime story to her every night for as long as she wants one.”

“We actually have better recording equipment in the back, if you'd like to use it. I could talk to my boss and see if she'd let you.”

Lin ended up recording almost every children's book in the store in the 3 and a half months that he had left, keeping them on DVDs that he kept hidden in a box in the back of the closet that you shared.

When he got home that night though he kissed you on the cheek and set the baby on his lap to watch the Little Mermaid, wishing that he'd have forever, he snuggled closer to your side, hoping for a miracle but knowing it probably wasn't going to come.

December 25th, 2016 (59 days before) When you were little, you remembered waking up as early as you could to open your presents, but as you grew older, it became nicer and nicer to sleep in as late as possible. Usually, you could, Lin was someone who liked his sleep, but this Christmas, Ari had kept you both awake all night with a fever and a cough and since you were already up you decided to do Christmas early before the rest of the world was awake.

For hours it was just you, Lin, and the baby, watching Christmas movies together on the couch while outside the sun began to rise over the George Washington Bridge.

Later when your house was filled with rowdy nephews and both pairs of parents, the opening of the actual presents began while everyone munched on the cookies that were made with loving care by Abuela the night before.

And as everyone sat around the Christmas tree Lin realized that this might be the last time his whole family was together like this before what was probably his death. Lin hugged the nephew sitting on his lap a little tighter, and as everyone was leaving, he made sure to let them know how much he loved them.

December 31st, 2016 (53 days before) The clock ticked steadily closer to midnight on New Year's Eve, and for the first time in years, Lin wasn’t drunk out of his mind.     Instead of the loud music and dancing, the tone was decidedly quieter, but the apartment was still filled with some of your closest friends. Lin, Chris, and Tommy were out on the balcony watching the sky for the fireworks that were sure to come later, while you and Chris’s wife were trying to get the baby back to sleep because the noise of the ‘party’ had woken her up. Javi, Anthony, and Lac were just talking in the kitchen with a couple of beers, while “the Schuyler sisters” were playing a card game at the folding table a couple of feet away from you.

When you finally got the baby to sleep you placed her back to sleep in the crib, kissing her forehead before turning off the lights and shutting the door.

“Did you finally get her to sleep?” Lin asked out on the balcony after you walked out to join him. Staring up at the night sky, he tried not to imagine what New Years next year would be like. Last year he had enjoyed making resolutions for what his life would be like in this new year. He would never have imagined it would lead to 2 Tonys and a Grammy and his marriage to you and a baby. This year he just wanted to live longer than the time he was given.

As the time ticked closer to midnight, everyone from inside filtered out onto the balcony. Counting down the seconds, he pulled you closer to him and as the clock struck midnight he pressed a kiss to your lips.

February 20th, 2016 (2 days before) “You haven’t been to your parent’s house in ages, y/n,” Lin spoke, coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around you. “I’m sure they miss you and the last time they saw Aria was Thanksgiving. She has a tooth now, and she can roll over. When they were here last, she couldn’t really do much.”     “What’s brought this on honey? Are you trying to get rid of us.”

“Your mom called me and told me she missed you. She was so used to getting to see you all the time before we got married. Now she says she sees you maybe once a month.” He smiled at you before leading you over to the couch and taking your hands in his. “I won’t mind if you go, you know. I know you miss her too. Plus Chris and I were going to have a guy’s night out, so you wouldn’t be missing anything.” In Lin’s mind, he was torn between begging you not to go, because he didn’t want to die alone, and hoping that you would leave because he didn’t think he could live with the fact that you would watch him die.

Picking up the baby off the floor where she was lying on her back, he smiled at her as she reached over and tried to grab a handful of your hair. “Hi Ari,” you cooed at her.

“What if we leave tomorrow, early, and then maybe Ari and I will stay there for another day or two so that you and Chris can have that man day you’ve been talking about lately.”

Lin gave a sad smile, that ‘man day,’ you were talking about would probably just be him and Chris eating dinner and him trying to let Chris know how much he thought of him as a brother.

That night Lin held you as you slept, trying not to think of it as being the last time he would see you sleeping. One of the last times he would see you ever.

February 21st, 2016 (1 day before) Lin may have been the one who was trying to send away his wife and infant daughter away before what may as well be his death, but that doesn’t mean saying goodbye to them didn’t hurt. It was so very painful.

Your bags were packed and in front of the door before Lin had gotten out of bed in the morning, which wasn’t surprising. Lin hadn’t been sleeping very well as the months got closer to the end of his deal.

Before you left, he made sure to kiss both of you, you on the lips, Ari on the forehead, and told you exactly how much he loved you. “More than from here to the end of the universe and back.”

The rest of the day Lin spent getting his affairs in order. He took the box of DVDS that he'd hidden in the back of the closet and placed them on the dining room table along with his will and a note that as Lin had written, he’d burst into tears.

Y/N, I feel like knowing this was going to happen beforehand should have prepared me for the thought of never seeing you again. After all, I did this for you and Ari without this the both of you would have been in a grave and I just couldn’t live with that. My heart doesn't want to believe it's true, but no matter what my heart believes, know that I love you with every fiber of my being and that as my time grows closer that it's the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I love you from the end of the universe and back. Lin

Lin tried as hard as he could to be the person who no matter the circumstance was always smiling, but eating lunch with his best friend hours before was something that he couldn’t quite shake.

Chris noticed that Lin was acting strange around halfway through lunch and started watching him, making mental notes on how he was acting to talk to you about later. Something was wrong with Lin and although it was probably due to what happened to you last year he needed to know what was wrong with him so the both of you could fix it. Lin telling him that he loved him like a brother as they were leaving the restaurant made alarm bells go off in his brain but by the time he had processed what he’d said Lin was too far away to go after.

As the day went on Lin grew more and more fidgety, and if someone on the street had happened to bump into him, he probably would have snapped.

He found himself in Central Perk in the minutes before midnight, the howls of dogs close by. Taking out his phone as the sound moved closer, he called you, but it went straight to voicemail. “I love you and Ari more than anything in this life. Please. Please don’t do anything stupid.”

As the clock ticked over to midnight, the howls increased all of a sudden and then there was the pain. So much more than he would’ve imagined before and then he felt nothing.

February 22nd, 2016 You got the call telling you something had happened at 3 in the morning, and before you knew it you were on the way to the hospital though when you arrived and spotted Chris you knew something had happened.

"No." you whispered, hanging onto Chris because at this point he was the only thing keeping you upright.

"What happened?" you heard Chris ask as you dissolved into sobs.

"It looks to be some sort of animal attack, certainly something we've never seen before this far into the city."

Of course, it would be Lin's luck that the week you were visiting your parents would be the week that there'd be a pack of wild animals roaming the city.

As the minutes passed the tightness in your chest refused to let up. It would probably never let up. For the rest of your life, you'd be dealing with the grief of your husband dying.

Your mother called a couple of minutes later having heard you rush out the door in a frenzy after you had gotten the call. You couldn't talk to her, so Chris took over. He guided you to a chair and then explained what had happened to your parents trying to stop himself from crying in the process. When he was done, he took you home, neither of you noticing the box or papers on the dining room table.

Curling up in bed with one of Lin's shirts you cried until you fell asleep and then cried some more, barely eating.

February 27th, 2016 (5 days after) It had been almost a week since what had happened to Lin, and it was as if a fog had descended on your life and your daughter was the only thing that let you breathe. Even at four months her smile and personality was so much like her fathers, and you knew that eventually the two of you would heal together.

Masterlist

[chatting-leaves]

Somebody From The Internet (6/?) - “Serious Business”

Content Warning: This story involves some adult situations, albeit presented in an SFW context.

A noted Boston-area hospital - February 2018

"You really should reach out to her," my therapist suggested to me. "It seems like you have a lot of overall trust issues stemming from Courtney that you need to resolve to move forward. Do you have a means to contact her?" 

"I have her old phone number saved away somewhere, and I could go and see if she's on Facebook, I know she has been on and off there several times," I responded with an anxious tone to my voice. The treatment methods of my therapist, a recent psychology grad stationed at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the world, could be seen as a bit off-the-wall, but it can be argued that said hospital did not get the groundbreaking reputation that it has earned through nearly two decades by being conventional. I had some vague idea of what had become of Courtney, the first serious relationship I had a little over a decade earlier; last I had read, she had become an ER nurse somewhere in the suburbs of Detroit, a long distance from where we had met back when we both lived in Albany. However, with a parade of difficulties in my own life I needed to go back and make peace with some actions we had done to each other so many years earlier.

Albany, New York - October 2006

I originally had met Courtney while trolling Facebook, looking for people who lived geographically near me who seemed interesting enough. Two months younger than I and a graduate student wrapping up her studies to be a cancer screener, her profile picture showed a young woman with shoulder length strawberry blonde hair, glasses, freckles in some blessed places, and a wide open yet slightly forced smile. Her looks were a mere cherry on top of the real reason why I wanted to meet: she lived literally a block and a half from me. As my friends were clustered further uptown and even in the suburbs closest to Albany, it would be nice to have a friend within walking distance and my original aim with this was just that. So certain that we would be "just friends" that our first meeting was in her apartment, a third story walkup near a key intersection. We talked about the typical first date material without any expectation that this would end up anywhere near a relationship, in fact her profile said that she was "in a relationship" though she assured it was tenuous at best. While her DVD of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" played on her small television in the background, she made a risky admission.

"I don't think my relationship with my boyfriend is going to be lasting much longer, and to be honest I'd rather leave him and at least try to be with you," Courtney admitted. "You seem much nicer than he is and I don't have to drive an hour to do anything with me." Courtney went on to detail things regarding her current boyfriend, a friend she had met in high school who had his life unravel after being arrested for drunk driving. Given my hapless track record with women, the idea that for once I was going to be the man someone else got dumped for made me feel lucky. Our friendly evening then drifted into hugging and cuddling, a form of affection showing that was physical if not deeply romantic. After five hours, we went our separate ways for the evening with plans to meet up a few days later, during which time she said she would give the boyfriend she loathed the news that their relationship was no more. I was elated, yet somewhat cautious of what was to come. I knew that before I could enter a relationship with her, I had to get the approval of my friends which came about a week and a half later at the 21st birthday party of a friend who Courtney immediately bonded with given their similar personalities and interests in the health field. My friends overwhelmingly approved and welcomed Courtney into our ever growing circle, yet logistics of actually starting a relationship had gotten in the way thanks to a series of pre-existing commitments. That weekend, while out of town for the wedding of a cousin whose branch of the family I had not seen for quite some time, I awoke to a text message the morning of the wedding that was sent at 3:00 AM.

"I'm drunk and I miss you."

Our friendship had reached the point of drunk texts and had I been back home I would have been over to her place by 3:05 at the latest. Alas, I was in a hotel room in New Jersey, the wedding was the next day, and I regretted not knowing her sooner because she would have easily been my date to this wedding. As I would not return to Albany until Monday and she had a class on Monday nights, Tuesday night would be the next chance for us to act on these feelings. While at the wedding, one of the few people there without a companion of some sort, I felt an emptiness that I knew how to fill, I just couldn't fill it at the current time.

Tuesday night came and as soon as she met me at the door, we instantly kissed for a good minute and it felt good. While cooking dinner for her that night, I popped a question to her. "If you missed me so much, why shouldn't we be boyfriend and girlfriend?" Courtney didn't know. "Well, why don't we then?", I continued.

"Sure," she responded, not fully sharing the enthusiasm that I had in this case but more than willing to give this a try. Regardless of how she felt, our relationship went full steam ahead, my spending many nights at her apartment, often up into the wee hours of the night mocking assorted weird television and just talking about our lives. That weekend, Courtney revealed another thing that was on her heart.

"I wish you could come home for Thanksgiving with me." I had already committed to making plans to visit a good friend and his family for the holiday, my regular destination of Mom's house not an option given she had recently undergone a gastric bypass and was on a liquid diet. Courtney then went on about how Thanksgiving at her home was going to be quiet this year, her younger brother had enlisted in the military and the family was still hurting from the suicide of her father three years earlier. Tears of rage stemmed from Courtney's face as she detailed the events that led to her father taking matters in his own hands, that the fallout from being pushed out of a state job he had for twenty-five years just short of retirement was too much to bear. Thanksgiving this year would be just her and her mom, a semi-retired teacher, a loneliness she didn't want to deal with. I could not relate to the suicide but I could relate to feeling alone during holidays where the opposite is supposed to be true. While I was away for Thanksgiving, we talked multiple times a day just to see how the other was holding up.

As 2006 came to a close, we had started to delve into making longer-term plans as a couple. As I was going back to finish my bachelor's, a long story in itself, and she had finished her masters and was going into her first "real" job, we spoke of the things we wanted to do and the places we wanted to go when the weather got warmer. Montreal, Boston, Philadelphia, all the overnight travel I didn't want to do alone was now within reach with Courtney to share it with. There was one bigger piece of fish to fry: I was invited to a late Christmas gathering with my Mom's side of the family and I wanted her to pass the test of meeting Mom and some of my family. Courtney and I piled into her mess of an early 90s Plymouth to make the hour drive to visit Mom at her cottage on an apple orchard on the eastern foothills of the Catskills, spending the night in separate quarters before making the trip down to Long Island. The trip itself was eventful, Mom decided to take her old minivan which died en route, but an assortment of aunts, uncles, and cousins loved Courtney and saw us as a cute couple. Given Mom's lack of luck with men, it was good to see that this apple fell very far from the tree. While things on the surface seemed fine, meeting my family set something off in Courtney that would lead to the demise of our relationship.

The Monday after our trip to meet my family, I was going to meet with Courtney that night to see how her first day of work at her new job (a branch of a known testing lab) had gone. Once I arrived, she confronted me with a bit of shocking news.

"You know, if we're going to meet each other's families and such, we really should have sex."

I had told Courtney that I wanted to wait until a time I was ready before going down that path because I wanted to make sure our relationship was solid. While a Christian at the time, I was not opposed to the idea of premarital sex but I wanted it on my terms and on my time, not hers. Needless to say, anything and everything short of it were things we had previously had done and I had looked to losing my virginity for some time, just not like this. I asked her if we could wait a little more, perhaps after a trip to North Carolina I was taking with friends that was starting that weekend before the spring semester kicked off.

"If you really do love me, you'll have sex with me right now," Courtney flat out guilt tripped me. I didn't want to lose our relationship so I gave in, my first full-on sexual experience lacking the passion and unbridled glee that happened every time we fooled around. Truth be told, we had given each other wedgies with more passion than this sad act of fornication. Afterwards, we ended playing the original Super Mario Bros on her 1980s vintage Nintendo, the best way to try to bleed out coerced intercourse. After this, I felt something wasn't quite complete with me, as if this earth shattering experience turned out to be a massive void. When Courtney and I had met up with some of my friends for coffee later that week, they could tell that there was a feeling of cloaked frustration between us two yet I couldn't flat out confess that we had done something for fear that my more Biblicaly-minded friends would judge me.

My trip to North Carolina, with a one-day detour in DC en route which eventually would change the course of my life, was what I needed after all of this. I met people who I am still friends with to this day and have made memories that will last with me until the day I die. On the last night of our trip, one of my new friends - Wally, a lead campus minister for a student group at UNC Charlotte - asked me some questions about my relationship with Courtney, some biblical but mostly general relationship questions. Afraid to entertain judgment regarding having had sex, if you could call it that, with her, I tested his limits with the questioning, even bringing in my campus minister who was present to try to take my side.

"Remember when Jay knocked up Maddie the first time either of them had sex?," I said with a sarcastic lilt. Our student leader Vice President and Secretary two years earlier, Jay and Maddie were head over heels in love and "randomly" lost their mutual virginity while stuck inside during a blizzard. Our group survived that and at this point they were still members, albeit with Jay a senior and Maddie a stay-at-home mom to their one year old daughter.

"Yes. And it wasn't a clean situation to be in. I'm not going to violate their privacy, but I know that everything wasn't as you and anyone else saw it as," my campus minister said. 

"If Courtney really loves you and wants to be with you, she'll wait for you. Ideally until marriage," Wally said. Wally had been blessed in a way, he married his college sweetheart two weeks after she finished her studies at a Christian university in Indiana, that he was off the market at the mere age of 22. At a seemingly ancient 24, I didn't know how long I could meet.

The next day was spent solely on the road, 13 hours from Charlotte to Albany less a few stops to eat and use the restroom, Somewhere in rural Virginia along Interstate 81, I brought up the idea of waiting for any further sex with Courtney via text message. Naturally, she seemed resistant.

"Well, if you really do love me, you'll wait, right?" I responded somewhere in the fifty mile mess where the states come fast on that highway - Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, absolutely using the words Courtney used on me a week earlier against her.

"When I'm in a relationship, I have an expectation of sex," Courtney replied, somewhere near Harrisburg.

"And fooling around and doing everything but that isn't enough. What about a relationship of true intimacy that is built to last?," I responded.

"Either we're going to have sex or our time as boyfriend and girlfriend is over," Courtney fired an ultimatum somewhere near Allentown. I didn't know what I wanted at that point, frankly what we had pre-sex was ideal for me, that wasn't good enough for her. The romantic aspect of our friendship was seemingly dead at this point. Once we got out of the car to get dinner and fuel up somewhere in northwest New Jersey, I was livid at everyone involved. Standing firm on my morals cost me the most viable relationship I ever had and I was not happy at all, as if the advice of those I trusted blew up in my face and cost me what I had yearned for for so long. Years later, I came clean to several friends about what really happened and the consensus was that through my denials that they knew something had gone on. So much for putting up a poker face.

Needless to say, Courtney and still stayed friends in the resulting months. We stuck to our plans for a Valentine's Day date as being together would be preferable to being apart and while our romantic chemistry had fizzled, we worked great as friends without the cloud of romantic tension. That March, she had been sent to a conference in San Antonio by her employer and after two days stopped responding to anything. I began to get worried, if she was in harm's way I would be heartbroken given that even our friendship was something I had wanted for some time. A week later, she broke her silence: She had gotten very drunk and ended up having a mental breakdown in the aftermath, the week she was not responding was spent under observation in the mental ward of a large hospital. I didn't seem to make much of it, everyone has had mental health issues at some point in their lives and the best thing she could use after returning home was a solid friend who wouldn't abandon her.

As Spring sprung, our friendship resumed as it ever was. While the idea of a romantic trip to Montreal or Boston was off the table, we still spent time together on a regular basis, often going out to eat at least once a week. In an attempt to get me to finally get my driver's license, she took me out driving and had promised her beaten up Plymouth as a set of starter's wheels to me when she was to get a new car later that year. While I was always a welcome presence around her friends and she was even more welcome around mine, my friends started to have some concerns about how long this could be kept up.

"You know that if she ends up finding a guy that you're going to end up on the back burner," my friends warned me in consensus. I already was trying to deal with losing a few good friends to graduation and to get my own, more adult, life set up and the looming truth of having my friendship with Courtney get curtailed wasn't something I wanted to confront. As time passed, she moved to another part of town, within walking distance, and I helped her shop for housewares and furniture. If it wasn't for our bedroom conflict, her new apartment very well may have been mutual, my own being basically a room with a miniature kitchen and bathroom. That July, everything came to a screeching halt.

"I've been seeing a guy and I think you two should meet," Courtney said. "Why not meet us for dinner one Friday night," she suggested a hole-in-the-wall pub right down the street from her new apartment. I arrived to find her and her new boyfriend, Greg, one of many cogs in the machine of New York State. Keeping conversation to basic small talk and trying not to make too much eye contact, I made it through meeting him. I had hoped that Greg wouldn't have much of a presence in my life. I guessed quite wrongly.

The next week, Courtney invited me to a play at the Park Playhouse, a theater inside Albany's sprawling Washington Park. I accepted, having not much else to do and wanting to have some time with her as a friend. Unknowingly, she had invited Greg to come with and while I was engrossed by the play I found that I was being wedged in as a third wheel of sorts and got the feeling that she wanted Greg and I to be friends even though her romantic past with the two of us created conflict. Greg saw me as the friendly ex she could easily take advantage of, I was jealous of Greg because if not for my own hangups it would be me in that position and I knew damn well that I'd never put my rebound girlfriend in such a position unless it was a fair double date. While all of this went on, Courtney was fired from her job at the lab because of performance issues that escalated after her breakdown in San Antonio; this job loss only made her lean on Greg further. Needless to say, I still considered her a good friend and lent any moral support I could give, however she soon would reach the point where my limits of friendship would be tested.

My birthday is in mid-August, a time of year when the looming presence of autumn makes itself known with earlier sunsets, the occasional chillier night, and ads for back-to-school sales plastered over the airwaves. For my 25th birthday, the weather in Albany leapt straight to October, barely hitting 60 degrees and having me make the rare-for-August wardrobe choice of corduroy pants to work and my resulting birthday dinner. I had called a restaurant I liked, a small neighborhood joint in a lull before colleges resumed, to save a table for myself and about ten of my friends, one of which being Courtney who swore that she'd go solo as Greg had to "work late" that evening. Imagine my shock when she walked in with Greg by her side, my failures as a boyfriend on full display. My birthday was already gloomy thanks to the weather and a professional reduction of duties that was a prelude to my own looming job loss, the last thing I needed was to have the girl I once dated to bring her new boyfriend to my birthday dinner. While I acted diplomatically, I felt a lot of internal anguish. After all this, I vented to a friend about the awkward state of affairs.

"Courtney has always been a bit...condescending when we've been around her. I don't think she really liked you the way you liked her, that she was with you as a matter of convenience than for an actual relationship," my friend brutally told me. "That she dared bring her boyfriend to your birthday dinner showed that she clearly didn't give a crap about your feelings." I knew that I wouldn't dream of doing the same if I was the one with a girlfriend and she was single and as such I asked her to not have him around me as what she did made me feel very uncomfortable. Surprisingly, she honored my request. We still met up for lunch here and there, but things faded away once she moved into Greg's apartment when she was no longer able to maintain her own rent. Eventually, she took a job at a fur store in a suburban strip mall, often inviting me to stop by to keep her company during her slower shifts. The last time we saw each other was at this shop, a dark and gloomy afternoon that winter, at a time when I myself was trying to get hired at said fur shop to help her out so she could return the favor. I never got the chance to do so, deciding to decamp for the greener pastures of the Maryland suburbs of Washington, DC, a goal I had set on the side trip I took en route to Charlotte a year earlier.

After I left Albany, Courtney and I kept in touch from time to time as she returned to college to stake a new career path in the field of nursing. Several months after I moved, one day she reached out to me that a mailer from a church I briefly attended was "a sign" that perhaps she should go herself and we used it as a chance to catch up. Eventually, we drifted away on our own paths minus a conversation a couple of years later where we both shared stories of our individual premarital anxiety, her wedding with Greg happening two months prior to my own wedding. Since we were both off the market, obviously with people we were both happy with, I felt that I could close the book on any sort of friendship with Courtney. However, she still had left quite the mark on my life, I just didn't want to admit it until it was dragged out that I needed to resolve it to move forward.

The evening after my therapist challenged me to reach out to Courtney, I shot a message off to her via Facebook Messenger saying that I felt bad for how our relationship ended and how I was standoffish regarding how she tried to make Greg and I be friends. I had figured that things in her marriage had gone south as she had reverted to using her maiden name. A few minutes later, I got a quick response from her that chilled me: "What did I do?" "You coerced me into losing my virginity to you," I bluntly said.

"We had sex? I thought that we just fooled around a few times," Courtney replied. "I don't ever remember having sex with you."

I was floored at her admission. I had felt guilt for eleven years over the fact that I felt the loss of my virginity wasn't 100% consensual, that she used meeting my family as a cudgel to get laid, that our breakup was because I wanted to wait until I was ready to have relations on a regular basis. I went through all of this anguish for her to forget that we even did it!? She mercifully changed the topic though soon I would find out how she could forget.

"I'm not doing good," Courtney said. "I had another mental breakdown a little bit after I moved back home from Michigan." I remembered the incident in San Antonio so many years earlier and how that ended her days as a cytotechnologist.

"After the breakdown, I lost my nursing license, then Greg and I broke up because I wanted kids and he didn't want them and wouldn't budge. Then my brother committed suicide," Courtney continued. My heart broke on the last statement, remembering how her father's life ended under similar circumstances. "I can't work, I'm hoping to get on disability, and I've earned and wasted two degrees now. I'm 35, my mom pays my rent, and if it wasn't for me being all she has left I would probably kill myself too."

I apologized for her abysmal string of luck, yet deep down inside felt that I had dodged a massive bullet. I don't know how I would have dealt with this as a husband, especially given the shaky reasons I would have had to marry her. While she probably would have fulfilled her goal of having kids, there are tons of opportunities that got to pursue thanks to our relationship going south. In an odd and somewhat gallows way, Courtney ditching me was just what I needed to grow as a person. We spoke for a time until she deleted her presence on social media at which point I realized that I could finally move on from any regrets that I had.

Sometimes we need certain people in our lives to help us grow as a person. As much as things between Courtney and I were unstable, I needed her to get over the idealization of relationships I had. While she has had awful life luck and I feel for her as such, at least I've been somewhat successful in my life, maintaining a successful marriage and bouncing back from personal and professional instability. I hope she reaches the same sort of peace sooner than later.

[canaryatlaw]

okayyyy it’s late so I should get writing. today was pretty good, very productive, so that’s good. I woke up to my alarm at 11 and got ready, then grabbed my stuff and ubered over to the post office for my 11:45 passport appointment (which you were supposed to get there 10 minutes early for). There was a bit of a line for the normal packages so I waited a bit over in the designated passport section, then a woman came over and started helping me. I had brought a second copy of the front page and the other passport photo because I had a feeling I fucked up the first one because the stapler was being uncooperative which ended up being a good thing because she did opt for that one instead. but yeah, gave her all the required stuff, showed her my ID (you need to give them a copy of your driver’s license or ID front and back to pass along to the govt and show the post office people your actual ID) along with a copy of my birth certificate that will get mailed back to me. So yeah, pretty easy, I was happy about that because the last time I was doing this my senior year of college it was a giant pain in the ass and I ended up having to make like 4 separate trips to the post office to get it done, so I was just glad this was done. they said 4-6 weeks to get it in the mail, which should be just in time for the London con we’re doing at the beginning of March (so excited for that!). I could’ve expedited it by paying more, but the total already came out to like $145 so I was like eh that’s plenty and for some reason you could only pay in cash, check, or debit (no credit) so I didn’t want to make it any more expensive. So that was all handled, I stepped outside and tried to figure out if there was any public transit options that made sense but there really weren’t, so I ended up doing an uber pool back which worked out pretty well, one of the other passengers, the driver, and I ended up in a conversation about how silly the express pool’s decisions as to where to drop people and how to route things are and they just make no sense, and I ended up getting dropped right at my apartment instead of having to walk, so that was good. I hadn’t eaten anything yet so I heated up one of my frozen NY bagels and ate that while I went on my computer for a bit. I realized I had failed to bring along the envelope I had to mail to the post office, so I would have to run to the UPS store to get that done (it’s much closer than the actual post office, but depending on what you need it can be a lot more expensive). I also counted my quarters since I badly needed to do laundry, which I needed $8 for to do two loads ($2 each load in washer and dryer) and I ended up with $7.50, so I figured I could go to the UPS store and pay in cash and hopefully get two quarters. So I went to do that, it ended up being like $3.62 (it was one of those big manila envelopes, containing job application stuff for an appellate research attorney position that looked interesting but insisted on mailing in the application) which would land me with one quarter, so I asked if he had enough to give me 4 quarters instead of the dollar bill and he said sure, I told him I needed to do laundry and was just short and he laughed and said clean clothing is definitely important, so I appreciated him helping me out on that. Once I got back I tried to collect as much clothing that had been thrown around my room into my hamper before carrying it to the basement to start my first load. Once that was done I returned to my apartment and thought about being lazy and watching some tv but I decided to be productive instead and start cleaning my room, which was pretty much a disaster zone at this point, so I ended up working on that the rest of the time I was doing laundry. I ended up finding even more clothing that needed to be washed so I threw it in with the second load which then ended up being overstuffed, but I didn’t have enough quarters for another load so I didn’t have much of a choice. Once the first load was dry I took it upstairs and folded them and put them away before retrieving the second load. Our dryer isn’t terribly effective, especially so when you put too much clothing in, so most of the clothing was still quite damp, so I tried to figure out what was okay to put away and what I needed to let lay on my bed for a bit (something I generally have to do with jeans and such anyway). So I did that for a bit and my room was pretty clean at that point. I had plans to get dinner with Jess once she got off of work, so I went to the living room and watched some more of The Jinx. I’ve only got one episode of that left now (it’s only 6 episodes). I have to say, I find it to be much different than the other true crime docs in its category like Making a Murderer and The Staircase namely in that I am entirely convinced he’s guilty of all the three separate murders he’s been accused of, when that was something I was not ever even close to concluding in the other shows, so that’s been interesting. He just comes across so psychotic and his stories don’t add up at all, and I’m sorry but that’s just way too many coincidences for me- like if it were two like in The Staircase (though that is still highly suspect being that the deaths were so similar) or in that one season of Undisclosed I could believe it would happen, but three seems to be a bit much. Anyway, Jess got off of work and we met up at the spot to get some food. It was very cold out (like 20 degrees) and she wanted to get out of the cold ASAP so we ended up going to one of the restaurants that were on the first corner we reached, which was a restaurant/bar combo that’s known for its various drag queen events such as drag queen bingo and other fun things like that. So we went in and got some food, and after not too long they announced there was gonna be a comedy show, so we were like okay cool, and there were three stand up comics that were pretty funny, the last one was definitely the best. so that was cool, and then at like 8:30 they were gonna have an open mic which initially wasn’t meant to be many people but it seemed to just snowball when there was more and more interest in it and since we were there when it started we didn't want to leave and seem impolite, so we ended up staying for the whole thing which ended at like 10:15, and we’d been there since like 7 😂. These comics were obviously much more amateur, and varied in comedy levels quite a bit. Some of the subject matter was like OH GEEZ but we also live in a very LGBT friendly/populated neighborhood (and it’s basically somewhat of a gay bar really) so there was a lot of stuff around that which was really funny. The highlight was definitely this one lady who was talking about her experience being a transwoman and recently having surgery (which she referred to as getting an “artisanal hand-crafted vagina” and then what she had to do in aftercare and those implements being discovered by TSA when she flew in earlier that day.....and honestly she was funnier than the rest of them all put together lol. They only got like 4 minutes each though so they were in and out fairly quickly, there was just a LOT of them. I was thinking like what I would do if I ever tried that and I feel like I would revert to my best stories which generally revolve around my little sister as a small child being incredibly cute like when she was 2 and we “accidentally” taught her the f-word and one day she just looked at my brother and was like “Rudy you fucker” in front of my mom and we all just died on the spot 😂 or when my mom accidentally bought her a Christmas dvd from the church bookstore which she didn’t know contained Santa at the end (our parents did not do Santa) and when he came on my sister was just like in her angelic 3 year old voice “wow, I guess there really is a Santa!!” and the look of sheer horror that was on my mother’s face was something I’ll never forget 😂 those are the things I find funny at least. Once every wrapped up the host was like “Shoutout to the two ladies in booth 2, you guys have been here since like 7 pm, you’re awesome” and we pretty much just died laughing. Went home after that, did a bit more room cleaning while my roommate was in the shower and refilled my pill box for the week before taking a shower and proceeding to get ready for bed, and now I am here. So yeah, good day. I have nothing like, scheduled to do tomorrow, so I’m gonna aim to do my hair (not the full dye, just the overtone deep treatment which should help it last a few more weeks before I have to fully redye it) and hopefully do the dishes, which aren’t too bad right now (as opposed to how ridiculously full it normally is by the time I get fed up enough to actually do them) so that should be fine, and watch the Brooklyn 99 premiere in the evening, lol. The only other thing on my “list” of things to accomplish is get an Illinois driver’s license since I’m gonna be sticking around here for a while and I need to get an enhanced one for travel anyway since NY state is now requiring that, and I can’t do that until after we get back from Phoenix this weekend because I need my ID for the airport, and once you apply for an IL one they take your old one (and give you like a paper copy in the mean time but that would definitely not work for an airport) so I need to do the flying before I start that process. I should have enough time between that any other trips we’re doing to get it in the mail, I don’t think we have anything flying-wise scheduled until London at the beginning of March, so that should be fine. We’ll probably do a few more local Midwest cons in February that we hit up last year that were fun. And yeah, that’s about it for now. It’s almost 2 am and even though I don’t have any solid plans for tomorrow I should still be getting to sleep so I don’t stay up too late, so I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight my dudes. Stay excellent.