#my emotional spectrum and empathy for like a solid month even after flushing them and refusing to take them

[craycraybluejay]

Randomly got a super vivid vision of someone I know being turned into a chicken and someone I love who cares deeply for that person not knowing and cooking the now chicken and then bringing it to me to eat. And me somehow knowing what happened. And the fucking AGONY. I was in public when it happened and I wanted to scream-- strangers looking on in horror and confusion be damned. I didn't, but it was a damn close call. It was horrific. Something truly strange. It wasn't just the scene itself. There was some unattainable metaphor about it. And the sensation of losing control-- slipping into psychosis and anxious meltdown just *snap* like that. I wondered how long it had really been since I had smoked-- and so went out away from people for one since I didn't want to exhale in anyone's face. The moment I took a half-hearted hit, the buzz hit me like a freight train. As if I've never smoked before. It wasn't enough, so I took a few more, and the relaxation/anxiety relief/diminishing of psychotic symptoms was near immediate. I had taken so little today that I genuinely had to sit down and lay back so I wouldn't fall over, I was proper light headed. But God, I felt normal again. I felt like I could push that visual and all the obsessive and paranoid thoughts about it away with enough effort when before it seemed insurmountable, true doom.

Sometimes, I wonder if I really do have a psychotic disorder. But then I forget to medicate and whoop dee doo here we go again motherfucker. I wasn't even really stressed today. This whole week has been atypically great, actually. But stressed or not, stable or not, I know I need to keep a steady dose of nicotine (which, yes, works as an anti-psychotic, as well as anti-anxiety. Look it up. Or don't. Idc.) There is nothing more scary than suddenly losing control of something as mind altering as psychosis with no trigger, no prompting, especially around other people. Nothing HAPPENED. Everything was GOOD, I was having a GOOD TIME and smiling and laughing one second and the next I'm freaking out white-knuckling the table and begging whatever this is to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.