#my health severely depleted & things just kept going wrong

[wtfgaylittlezooid]

I’ve lost to temptation so here it is

My interpretation of magolor lets fucking go

So first section: How this bitch works

So Magolor is from Halcandria, a planet who’s core is essentially magic. There’s so much magic on this single planet that it leaked into the life and even some objects that could contain it. Magolor is no exception. Magic energy is essentially stored in a second heart (tho it’s more of a container than a heart), and runs through the body very similar to blood. It’s created and flows through his body, and allows for things like his eye glow, floating, and obviously powers. When he’s asleep, it regenerates. If there’s already enough magic energy while he’s asleep, it disposes of the old magic mostly by floating in sleep or by more severe means like insomnia aka magical overdose (which I’ve gone over before).

Next, is the glowing eyes!! Why he have that, I’ll tell ya. It makes it easier to detect other halcandrians as well as make it easier to detect light such as fire. Which is very useful when you need to look through ashy clouds and make sure a giant rock isn’t about to slam into you from above. It’s also a way to show the health of a halcandrian. Though the eyes glow yellow, they have a brown color very similar to their fur. If they’re sick or very unhealthy, they lose their glow and it slowly reverts to the brown color.

As a side effect of the master crown though, Magolor’s magic energy got boosted by the crown so he didn’t just die instantly by overwhelming power. It sounds like a good thing on paper, having so much energy to the point where he can fight non stop without getting tired magically, but magic overdose due to him not being able to deplete enough of it fast enough is a bitch. He gets sick a lot easier, bad insomnia, as well as occasionally using magic without realizing. So this clears out how he works and shit!! Now onto...

Before RTDL

So before RTDL Magolor had little social skills or experience with interacting with other people that wasnt lying to them to get them to do stuff. It was just how Halcandria worked. People kept to themselves and if you needed help you’d have to twist the truth in order to convince them. Relationships of any kind are very rare in Halcandria as well.

So when he met Marx, it was weird. He originally planned to let him stay until he got better and told him about why he was found in a Nova’s wreckage, so he could hopefully get Marx to lead him to something else he could use to defeat Landia. It didn’t go as planned. Marx was an unpredictable dude who immeadiatly fell for Magolor (but mags didn’t notice cause he’s never experienced someone else crushing or a crush) and due to that Marx spent a lot of time with Magolor during recovery and grew on him. He also ended up showing Magolor what friendship was, and honestly: magolor liked it. He liked having someone around. It was a nice change, and it was nice to have someone around to help (and rarely give him affection). So, Magolor wanted Marx to rule the universe with him once he killed Landia. He didn’t want Marx to leave. Though things started going downhill when an accident happened one time while exploring and Magolor was distracted, leaving to Marx having to use Nova’s power to make sure Magolor was safe.

And Magolor was fascinated, and god he was excited. He pried Marx for questions about his wings, constantly stared at them when they were out, and started talking about if he and Marx used their combined powers they could finally kill Landia and get what they want. But Marx didn’t want to. His want for power by then left, and he knew the consequences. He was happy just hanging out with Mags, and didn’t want to risk his life fighting a dragon with a crown of infinite power. But Magolor, despite liking the change of company, was used to being a loner and believed he could do it again since he’s halcandrian. He said Marx could leave if he didn’t want to, and that was when Marx started to see just how desperate Magolor was for the Master Crown. It was all too similar to his own desperation with Nova, and all words were useless and failed to change Magolor’s mind. So Marx left, and Magolor continued. He felt a little bad (and lonely) but pushed it down and decided no turning back and opted to modifying the Starcutter more like a weapon and attacking Landia that way, but failing.

Though he had a backup plan, thanks to Marx. Which brings me to..

The Betrayal

So this is RTDL time, before the betrayal. His back up plan was going to the pink hero Marx ranted about and using them to get the crown. After all, if they could defeat someone with the gift of Nova’s power, they could defeat a wyvern with a crown. They landed, and Magolor met everyone, but he couldn’t stop thinking about a certain someone. Chilly, who volunteered to stay with him while the others collected the spheres and parts (tho it was because he was suspicious). Mags didn’t know this, and assumed he was being nice. So the second person who (he thought) was being friendly with him enough to stay with him, and fill that hole Marx accdientally left by leaving him. He couldn’t not get attatched. He became REALLY REALLY clingy, and did as much as he could to keep himself focused as well as make sure they were friends. It backfired, making Chilly agitated most of the time, but it also semi worked later on. Most of his time between the betrayal and his crash landing was spent monitoring everyone’s progress, and trying to get Chilly to like him so he could do what he had to do during the betrayal.

Now during the betrayal! The closer he got to achieving the crown again, the more desperate and ooc he got. By the time he was at Halcandria, there’d be no way to talk him out of it, since he was THIS close. But there was still one thing wrong that he assumed the crown would fix: he couldn’t go back to being alone. He assumed he would adjust, since that’s how it’s been for his whole life. But now, that he’s actually had two people really close to him (and one leave) that showed him affection and didn’t only use him like in Halcandria, he didn’t want to go back to being alone. He couldn’t. But he came too far to turn back, and continued anyway (not like he ever changed his mind, but he did have moments of doubt). He told Chilly to stay in the Starcutter, wanting to keep him safe, which obviously didn’t go well for him when Chilly responded with freezing the ship from the inside to stop Magolor from using it in its attacks.

And of course, when Magolor sees this, he has a moment of “oh shit I can’t let him do this. I can’t lose someone else.” And tries to convince Chilly to join him. He talks about the two of them ruling and even giving Chilly Popstar to rule. He means it. He wants someone with him, somebody that he genuinely loves and treats him like a friend. He assumed that if he didn’t force Chilly into working with him like Marx, he would join in the end. And like any person with common sense, Chilly denies, loyal to Kirby and Popstar. THIS was the moment Magolor became truly desperate, he tries to convince Chilly to join him but he can barely get any words other than “but you were only friend” out while crying (in the middle of battle lol). Kirby and everyone take this chance to attack, while Magolor is just kind of broken. He fucked up again.

And he’ll be alone.

He has one thing left now, and that’s the power to rule the universe.

And he’s desperate to have this one thing go right for him, and he uses the remaining power of the Master Crown... which brings me to the next topic!

The Master Crown

Full section for the master crown let’s go. It gets its dark power from a leader/creator of dark matter (think 0), and is sentient. It only knows to shroud the world in darkness, and will do whatever it takes to get it. It’s powers are held at bay by Landia, who is Halcandria’s guardian and can resist its powers due to being a magic guardian. Magolor however, isn’t a magic guardian, and can’t resist. To him, it’s a shiny piece of jewelry that’ll make him strong so things can finally go his way.

The way it works is by drawing people in, like a venus fly trap. It just amplify people’s interest in it, as well as bring out the more negative traits about them that makes them easier to control. The most common traits is desperation, impulsiveness, frustration, and determination. And once the crown is on their head, it locks on and is irremovable and works like a parasite, basically completely erasing whoever put it on and molding them to the perfect puppet. Magolor essentially just sped up the process completely by using the last of its power in a desperate attempt to get what he wanted.

After the Betrayal

Magolor, after the betrayal, is left just floating around Another Dimension. He’s exhausted, in a lot of pain, and completely magically drained. He couldn’t even float if he tried, and that uses the bare minimum of magic. He’s stuck here for a long time, and at first, he’s extremely frustrated and upset. He spends a lot of time replaying the events in his head (not magolor soul, he has no memories of that aside from snippets that come into his dreams that are partially due to the master crown’s lasting effect) and just getting more and more angry at everything. He was so close to having control over EVERYTHING, and he lost it over himself the second he used the rest of the power. He was infuriated that he manged to let that stupid puffball beat him, along with their friends.

He cries, screams, shouts, but it doesn’t matter. Rage can only last so long, and it’s not much before he’s just exhausted and tired. He’s given up on escaping, knowing he can’t. He cant form a dimensional portal strong enough to pull him out of a dimension. He only has the skill to use it for teleportation. After a few days, he’s accepted what happened, that this is his fate. He hates being alone, floating in space with no silly jester to crack a joke or scratch his head, and no snowman who’s bell jingled with an adorable tune whenever he laughed and even gave him hugs. He ends up getting habits of scratching his head (despite the pain because of master crown injuries) and hugging himself as a way to fill that hole the two left when leaving. He misses them, and starts to regret going after the crown in the first place. He comes up with scenarios in his head to pass the time as he basically waits for himself to rot. He imagines apologizing and having his friends back. He imagines Marx somehow finding him similar to how Magolor found him. He imagines not being alone, and being happy. Not plagued by agonizing exhaustion and self fury. He even comes to miss Kirby and their friend one he actually realizes the kindness they showed him, since he was too focused before to realize.

He spends a few days in the hell dimension before he finds something. He ends up finding an energy sphere that floats past that was lost during the battle. He grabs and clings to it, now having only one thing from before. It doesn’t make the loneliness any better, but it does make things a little less bareable. But of course, energy spheres are a sphere doomer’s favorite snack, and it doesn’t take long before one comes along really wanting it.

Magolor at first, pushes it away desperate to keep this one thing he had before, and the sphere doomer keeps coming back desperately wanting its food. Eventually, Magolor and the sphere doomer form a slight bond since this was when Magolor started slowly regaining magic again and tries attacking it with his revolution orbs, but it’s just a treat for the sphere doomer. The sphere doomer keeps coming back for more treats and another attempt at a snack, and Magolor feels a little less lonely. Over time, he actually gains enough of its trust to pet it and even talks to it. He names her Lor II.

Lor II is the reason he gets out of Another Dimension and back to Halcandria, via opening a rift. Lor II basically gives Magolor a second chance to make things right, and he immeadiatly takes it. Of course, he has to steal the Starcutter to do it, but he makes his way to Popstar to apologize, because he REALLY regrets his major fuck up and at the very least, he can make things better (and maybe get a chance at being less lonely).

So that’s all I got lmao hope you enjoyed

[inscribed-in-asteroids]

AN: WHAT’S UP? Got chapter five ready to go! More info is always on AO3, as well as better formatting.

Title: The Ripple Effect

Characters: Odessa and OCs, feat Entrapta and Hordak

Pairing: Entrapdak

Read on AO3.

                                                         Inicos

LINEAGE LOG: DAY 1

Today marks the start of our journey! I have brought the essentials for potential excavation of bodies or relics, as well as the brain from the Prime clone aboard the Velvet Glove. It may be needed to see if there are differences in the formation, even if they’re genetically similar. But, admittedly, it’s more to keep it someplace out of the way. I am not sure what we may uncover, but this is bound to be illuminating.

                                                              -

LINEAGE LOG: DAY 7

I’ve been informed by my father that Mermista was none too pleased to hear that Tristan had come along on this expedition. He and my mother assured her that he was perfectly safe. Seahawk made the error of agreeing with them, however, which led to Tristan having a long, long argument with his mother over it. I don’t find any problem in him wanting to explore space, but not every parent is the same. I suppose she merely wants to look after him. But if she really wanted to, a week is a significant amount of time before deciding to check if he was at his father’s.

                                                             -

LINEAGE LOG: DAY 36

There hasn’t been much occurring outside of the ship. As we have been supplied with enough rations and crystals to charge Celeste, we have no need to dock onto any planet to replenish. However, Hydrangea asked if we could stop on occasion to see some planets. I told her that she could ask me any time if she felt a desire to explore nearby galaxies. We have opted to land on— Whoafuckshit! Asteroids… Oh! Maybe I can document it as it happens—

Annnnnd one made a large dent. Never mind. Guess we’re landing for sure.

                                                            -

LINEAGE LOG: DAY 273

I contacted my parents earlier today. They asked how everyone was faring, and I informed them that it’s been rather standard. No fits of madness or lucidity. My mother sighed with disappointment, but I told her that if it changed, she’d be the first to know. My father told me that Adora wishes me well, again. She’s a sweet woman—has been since my infancy. How she got four terrors for children, I’ll never understand. Well, that’s from Catra, but that’s neither here nor there. She and my father share equal blame for the damage to Etheria, and she has made an effort to right her wrongs. Yet she’s more… forgiven is not the proper word. Perhaps, excused? I don’t resent her for this. It’s easier to blame what continues to be unfamiliar. However, it’s an interesting observation, isn’t it?

                                                            -

Time in space is a bizarre thing. It ceases to be linear. It curves. Warps. Molds around one’s cells—living, breathing matter and energy, and it performs relative to that.

Odessa feels like it’s no time at all to be traveling through space with her friends.

But she was used to this since she was born. Tristan and Hydrangea experienced a little bit of an odd hiccup when it came to living without the concept of time as it was on Etheria. Hydrangea took to meditating quite often to keep a semblance of consistency, while Tristan took to exercising in an unorthodox training room. Hordak was thorough in ensuring that physical prowess was kept up while traveling through space, so it was one of the first things she pointed out.

Tristan could sleep as often as he wanted, and he never put up a fuss, but Hydrangea became rather irritable when she realized the lack of sunlight meant her circadian rhythm would be thrown off. Odessa decided to create a fake sun in Hydrangea’s sleep quarters that gave the feeling of waking up to gentle sunlight, replacing the atomic clock with one marked by Etherian time. It helped a bit for her to feel normal, and, she knew, Hydrangea was missing her parents.

“It’s too late to take you back,” Odessa said during breakfast. “But I hope you’re not disappointed with the direction of this mission so far.”

Hydrangea smiled gently, brushing haggard feelings aside, “Don’t worry. I’ll eventually get used to it. You know I’m here for you!”

Odessa is glad to have company that didn’t mind a little change. She and her family revel in constant traveling, but it can be hard for people who don’t go through it as much.

Walking through the halls, Odessa knocks on Tristan’s door, “Hey, are you up?”

A tired groan reaches her ears.

“When you’re ready, come to the dining hall. We should go over some things.”

A grunt of understanding is given, so Odessa takes her leave. She can’t help but shake her hands in excitement, tempted to skip down the hall.

She looks down at her communicator when it beeps. Turning it on, she answers, “Hey, Mom!”

“Hi, cupcake! How are you?”

“Doing fine. We’ve been making good time. We should be arriving soon.”

Hordak pops into view, “Are all your vitals still in excellent condition?”

“Yes, I’ve been monitoring all of us.”

“Good work, Odessa,” he praises.

“You know me, I’m not into screwing around,” Odessa replies, tossing her hair.

Entrapta grins wide, “We know you’re not, my little brownie bite!”

“Yeesh, Mom,” Odessa says, blushing, though she can’t help but smile.

“Okay, honey, we’ll let you go,” Entrapta tells her. “Tell your friends we said hi! Message us when you’re set!”

“You bet,” she tells them, giving a thumbs up.

“Byyyyeee!” Entrapta sing-songs, as Hordak waves.

“Byyyyeee!” Odessa mimics, waving back.

With a beep, the communicator goes quiet. She wants this mission to come to fruition. Odessa knows their journey has just barely begun—it has so much potential for failure as much as it does for success. If she could find enough information about her people, she might be able to learn more about them as a species. It’s a longshot, but she needs to make an attempt.

She is relieved that her father hasn’t asked her anything deeper than the common query of wellness. He is attentive to health above all else. And she wants to know if that’s intrinsic to their nature, or if it has to do with his… former debilitation. It has to be on some level, or it could be due to personality. If she could learn the true ways of their race, she might be able to find out how to give them their best opportunity to live.

Her hair wraps around her recorder, bringing it to her face. She clicks it on:

LINEAGE LOG: DAY 550

It’s been a long time since we left Etheria, but we’re finally near our destination! I have informed my uncle, Kreed, of our imminent arrival. He told me that everything has long been prepared for us, and he’s looking forward to seeing me again. I’ve been jotting down, as you know, what I hope to ask and, perhaps, what he may answer.

Odessa turns when she hears footfalls. Clicking off her recorder, she looks up at her friend, “Hi, sleepyhead! I didn’t think you’d ever get up.”

Yawning, Tristan stretches toward the ceiling, fingers spreading out. “Hey, the universe doesn’t chastise the well-rested. Were those your parents?”

“Yes, they say hello.”

“Aw, I would’ve liked to say hi back,” Tristan says.

“Should’ve woken up sooner,” Odessa teases. She pats his arm. “But we’re not too far from Inicos—so you’ll be talking to them eventually again.”

“How far?”

“About several hours,” she explains. “It has changed a little since I’ve been there, so I’m excited how it looks now!”

Tristan gives another stretch of his arms, swiping them up then down as he yawns once more. Trying to get something to pop. “Glad we’ll be landing soon. I know it’s been a while, but I worry about Gea going a little stir-crazy again.”

“I adjusted everything in her room, but I don’t disagree,” Odessa admits. “Although, she’s been fine since then and she hasn’t come to me for it.”

Tristan shrugs, not bothering to say he thinks otherwise. Odessa understands the needs for physical accommodation, but Hydrangea’s emotional and spiritual needs are depleted in the never-ending darkness of space. Hydrangea always acts like she’s put together, and much of the time it’s true; but she refrains from voicing her negative opinions when she’s trying to be a team-player.

Hydrangea is already in the dining hall when they arrived, drinking tea. She smiles at them, “Hey, you two!”

“Hey,” Tristan says. “How are you holding up?”

“Fine, why?” she asks.

“No reason,” Tristan replies. Best not to pursue the issue. If she’s faking ease, let her.

Hydrangea simply smiles at him, appreciating the question. She turns to Odessa, “So, what’s the plan?”

“The plan is that we’re going to be entering Inicos’ orbit in the next few hours, that’s our plan!”

Hydrangea claps her hands, “How exciting!”

Tristan shakes his head, putting a hand over his face, “It just occurred to me you could’ve woken me up when we’re closer.”

Odessa pulls him to her side, giving him a light shake, “I’m pumped! Aren’t you?”

“Of course,” Tristan says, rolling his eyes and smiling. “But that can’t be it, right?”

“No,” she replies, releasing him to look between her friends. “Celeste has lasted this long on fuel, but when we land, we’re going to have to use signals to find where they are, and wait for them to get us.”

“Why?”

Odessa’s grin widens, thrilled.

                                                             -

Water stretches far out beyond their sight. A dark, vast blue that envelops the entire planet. Celeste skims the top, spraying brilliant white foam against its shining surface. Slowly, Odessa commands the ship to lower until it has settled onto the ocean.

Hydrangea stares out the window. The sunlight from above is a welcome vision. Pressing up against the window, her claws clicking gently on the glass, she takes it all in. Turning to Tristan, she says, “You should feel right at home here.”

“Eh, you see one ocean, you’ve seen them all,” Tristan shrugs, inspecting his fingernails.

“I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss this one,” Odessa tells him. She touches her communicator, and the screen begins to beep. Within minutes, they watch water churning away from them, the waves causing the ship to move in rhythm with the slight push. Breaking the surface is a large glass dome, rising high in the air. Celeste bobs back and forth, and the distant hemisphere reveals equally tall buildings within its spacious grounds, supplanted deep within mortar and bedrock.

Tristan and Hydrangea gape up. Tristan laughs in disbelief, “Okay, well, you never mentioned this.”

Odessa smiles, “And ruin the fun if you ever came here with me?”

Beneath the glass is the foundation of metal, holding it aloft; from which, a slab slides away from the bottom of the dome. From this opening, a bridge elongates towards them. Odessa steadies Celeste as the spaceship is jostled carefully onto its ramp, pulling them back into the entrance. As it approaches, they note the flashing lights within.

Moments after coming inside, a siren blares a monotone tune. Celeste gives a slight shake, and they feel gravity tug them upward.

The sun gleams brightly above, before that same pull of gravity shifts the dome downward, water sloshing beside the glass until it is submerged in a torrent of bubbles.

Hydrangea sighs. It was nice while it lasted.

Once the dome settles, Celeste opens up. The trio walk down the bridge, and Odessa smiles at the people waiting in front of them, “Hi everyone!”

“Odessa!” comes the barrage of greetings.

Odessa waves to the clone standing directly in front of her. Eyes a remarkable amber, Kreed waits with his arms held behind him. Bedecked in gentle beige, his tunic ends an inch above the floor, a golden sash with cerulean trimming at the edges tied around his waist. His feet are sandaled, which they found to be better suited for an environment that’s nothing but water outside. An older clone than the rest, he shows signs of aging that aren't too commonplace among the rest of her relatives. She long surmised that the majority of them were young by contrast. She attributes part of that to his firm but mellower personality, a patriarchal figure where there are none. “Hey, Kreed!”

Her uncle holds her tight to her chest, pulling back to look at her, “Was your trip uneventful?”

“Yes, unfortunately.”

He laughs, before addressing the rest of the trio, “Hydrangea! Tristan! So good to finally meet you both! Physically, I mean.”

Hydrangea shakes his hand, “Hi, Kreed! It’s nice to be here at last.”

“Come, come, we have prepared a feast for your arrival!”

“Nice,” Tristan says, eager to get settled in.

Hydrangea looks around, morose.

Tristan touches her shoulder, “How are you, Gea?”

“I’m alright,” Hydrangea says, giving a reassuring smile.

Tristan stares at her, slowing his strides.

Hydrangea glances at his feet, and mimics his pace, allowing their friend and her family to continue forward on their own. She looks up at Tristan, “I really am okay.”

“Yeah, now,” Tristan tells her.

“Odessa did so much for me already, I don’t want to disappoint her,” she replies.

“Odessa doesn’t get offended over crap like that,” Tristan reminds her.

“I know but still…”

“Gea, if you have problems, Des is here to help out,” he says.

Hydrangea knows that he’s right. The last year and a half have been hard on her, being away from her mothers, her people, her home. She is here to aid Odessa in anything that she needs. She wants to be a good friend, and she figured that this wouldn’t be much to handle. She’ll admit, she didn’t prepare herself very well for it, even with Odessa’s assistance.

“I understand that she’s meant to help out—and she did do a lot for me already,” Hydrangea answers. “But it felt a little redundant to even bring it up time after time.”

“I think it would offend her more if you didn’t inform her that she was unable to give you what you needed.”

Hydrangea gives a soft chuckle, “That’s true.”

“Look,” Tristan says, touching her shoulder, fingers moving around the spikes. “It’s not like it matters anymore right now, because we’re here. But if she asks us to go on a trip again, you should think about being more open about what you need to be comfortable.”

“I know,” she sighs. Then she pats his hand with hers, a small, gracious smile on her lips. “Thank you. I’ll do better.”

Tristan returns the smile, and affectionately pats her shoulder.

Resuming their walk, they note that Odessa and Kreed had halted their own steps to wait for them. Their apologies are dismissed, as Kreed and Odessa didn’t mind the two conversing amongst themselves.

The dome continues to descend, and Odessa looks to the left, watching a school of fish swim by the glass, “You’ve expanded.”

Kreed smiles, “Yes, we did! It took a couple of years, but the results have been magnificent. We’re creating more habitable spaces throughout the planet.”

“That’s exciting to hear. Has the alternative plant source been beneficial?”

“Most certainly, my dear niece,” Kreed replies. “We have been able to move forward with our latest projects using the natural resources of this planet as fuel to power everything.”

Odessa listens in rapt attention as Kreed explains each aspect of their home in impressive detail. From the large dome that blocks out harmful UV rays, to the plumbing system, sewage plant, recreational and education centers, they have made this place their home without interfering with the natives of the planet.

Arriving at their destination, opulent doors, wreathed with marine imagery, akin to Salineas, open for them. But there’s a monstrous look to it—with towering statues made of silver metal, the Delphican people’s greatest warriors of legend and history are highlighted the best way they know how: long, powerful arms ending with webbed hands, clawing the air. Their naked bodies are streamlined and muscular, hairless scalps gleaming when light shines on them. Their eyes are black, forward-facing but protruding ever so slightly enough to make it noticeable they’re different from the other humanoids that occupy their world. Their mouths are open in preparation for battle, ferocious teeth bared at their enemies.

Tristan stands to admire the artwork, giving a nod of approval. “Damn, that’s pretty hot.”

Hydrangea turns to him, narrowing her eyes and pursing her mouth, “You do know they’re attacking something, right?”

“Yes,” Tristan answers, forefinger pointed up. “And that’s what makes it hot. Oooh, do you think they do commissions?”

Hydrangea lets out a short, breathy laugh, “And what would they do for you?”

“I think that’s pretty obvious, Gea,” Tristan says. “I want them to make a statue of me . Just as naked and just as cool.”

Hydrangea laughs as he poses, and Tristan gives an inward sigh of relief.

A large table stretches out across the room, a sea-green and white carpet laid beneath its legs. Marbled walls rise high above them, ending with a cathedral ceiling, painted with creatures that remind Odessa of what Tristan would show her on deep-sea cameras on Etheria, none of them friendly, which is how she enjoys it. On the wall itself, oval windows take up half of its height, revealing a trimmed yard behind it, showing off a scape laden with roses, daffodils and several prospering fruit trees.

Hydrangea perks up, “Oh, a garden!”

Kreed smiles at her, “We make it a priority to have plants here. It helps the air.”

Hydrangea stares out the window, with Tristan joining her. She remarks, “There are a couple species I don’t recognize.”

“Yes,” Kreed says. “We have acquired new types from either Odessa or some of my brothers from different planets.”

“Amazing! I’d love to see more of your collection. Is all the soil the same?”

“In this area, yes,” Kreed replies, ears twitching up with interest, walking toward her. “For the time you’re here, you’re welcome to explore our gardens.”

Hydrangea, pleased, launches into a discussion about the caretaking, which Kreed entertains with aplomb. Odessa is suddenly tackled from behind, and she reaches around to grab the offender with both arms, raising up a young boy of 14, grinning down at her.

“Hi, Dessie!”

Her annoyed expression fades, beaming, “Nano! You’re lucky I didn’t break you in two.”

Placing him down, Nano jumps at her waist, excited, “I couldn’t help myself! I missed you!”

Odessa hugs the boy close, patting his head, “It’s good to see you again. I brought my friends this time.”

Nano, eyes an unusual bright shade of orange, turns to Tristan and Hydrangea with equal enthusiasm, “Hey! Welcome to my home! It’s about time you two came by.”

Hydrangea smiles at him, “Thank you, we’re happy to be here.”

Nano turns to Tristan, sizing him up. Then he grins, “I’m going to have so much fun kicking your butt!”

Tristan laughs, arms akimbo and smirking, “Are you?”

“You bet! I’ve wanted to race you foreeeever! Can we do it now?”

“You may have your contest after dinner,” Kreed interrupts.

“‘Kaaaaay,” Nano replies, though his grin doesn’t leave, giggling.

Various seafood has been placed on the table a few moments later, arranged to show the best of freshly caught fish and crustacean. Odessa and Tristan, used to being adventurous eaters, have no qualm with any part of the meal. Hydrangea, though she can eat it, looks for plant-based dishes, which, thankfully, they accommodated for her.

Nano plops next to Odessa, kicking his legs, scales reaching down to his feet. He’s one of the more interesting cousins in terms of appearance, having the agility, speed and strength of a clone, but the exterior switches from skin to scales, with webbed fingers and toes at the ends of his limbs, all bluish-green; his face has paler shades of color compared to the rest of his body, and his gills are closed on his neck for now. He hums to himself as he piles food onto his plate. She had checked on him last time she was here, monitoring his vitals for irregularities in either his gills or lungs. The main difference seems to be that he has to moisturize more than the average cousin, and he doesn’t seem capable of growing hair on his scalp or face like his clone half, but he doesn’t seem to have any new problems.

Opening his mouth, revealing sharp canines lined along the gums, Nano chews a large chunk of meat. He turns to Odessa, cheeks puffed out from food, smiling with his lips and eyes closed.

A surge of sisterly affection tugs at her heartstrings, and she chuckles, “Be careful there, don’t choke.”

Swallowing, Nano wipes his mouth, giving a wide grin, “I don’t choke!”

“You did earlier this week,” Kreed says, cutting his food with a knife and fork. “Mindfulness is important.”

Nano gives a quick nod, before turning to Tristan, “Hey, hey, hey, are we going to race?”

“After dinner, sure,” Tristan says, then yawns. “Or, you know, maybe after sleep.”

“Aaaww, you said after dinner,” Nano whines.

“If our guests are exhausted, they’re free to sleep,” Kreed chastises.

Odessa smiles at her uncle, “Don’t worry about it. Tris slept all day, he can go for it!”

Tristan gives her a mild glare, “Of course, Des. Why wouldn’t I?”

She sticks out her tongue, satisfied.

                                                             -

Nano was more than excited to race. He was jumping up and down along the dome, feet light in the ground. Tristan, despite genuinely feeling like he could sleep more, wasn’t going to crush his expectations, nor did he have the intention to.

Hydrangea stares up at the artificial sunlight coming from above, “Do you think it could be warmer?”

“I feel fine,” Odessa says, glancing up. “But I could ask Kreed for you later.”

“I don’t want to impose on anyone—”

Odessa waves her hand, “Oh, Gea! They don’t mind, really! And if you didn’t dislike it, you wouldn’t say anything.”

Hydrangea sighs, “You’re right, I know.”

“‘Course I know!”

Approaching a smoothed pearl-colored tower, Nano yells at the people located at its top, “Hi!”

A clone peers down at them, waving, then pointing to the dome’s glass.

Nano gives a thumbs-up from the ground, and he turns to the trio, “Alright, they’ll open it for us!”

Hydrangea holds up her hand to her face, “Are we rising to the surface or…?”

“Nope! There’s a tube that runs through the bottom that launches people out. We needed to bring you guys the other way because of your ship.”

“Ah, so we’re racing underwater,” Tristan remarks.

“Yeah! Is that okay?”

“Fine by me,” Tristan answers, beginning his stretches.

Nano copies his stretches, wanting to be professional.

An opening in the ground forms, and the faint sound of suction movements comes from below. Nano beams at the three of them before jumping in feet first, form perfectly straight. Tristan salutes his friends before hopping in as well. Hydrangea and Odessa jog over to the glass, and a burst of bubbles shoot out when they emerge somewhere below them.

Nano swims up to the glass, tapping it then his wrist.

Odessa nods, then signs to Tristan: Are you going to keep that form?

Tristan doesn’t often have a smug appearance, but at the question, a smirk tilts the corner of his mouth. Behind his lips, his teeth sharpen, as well as his skin, darkening to ashen grey, reaching up toward the sides of his neck, where the flesh opens, water gushing out. His legs morph together as water circulates around them, dissipating with a flourished motion, revealing a long shark tail.

Hair floating away from his face, Tristan’s eyes are wholly black, and he grins at Nano’s shocked expression.

Nano turns to Odessa, signing with excited movements: You never told me your friend could do this!

It’s not something Tristan makes known to everyone, his penchant for taking a shark shape as he swims. It’s a trait inherited only by royals, should they so choose, and the last to use this disposition was his grandfather, the former King Selachus.

Hydrangea signs to them all: Alright everyone, play fair!

Or don’t, Odessa chimes in.

Flicking Odessa on the shoulder, Hydrangea signs: Who is going to signal?

Nano signs back: The guards know what we’re doing. They’ll be watching.

As Odessa beckons Hydrangea to follow her up to the towers, where they can get a better view, Nano and Tristan line up against the dome, staring ahead. Nano raises his arm up, waving before placing it back to his side.

Odessa takes in the tower, simple and clean walls, with weapons stacked in a corner, near a chest and a small writing desk for messages. Its purpose is clearly to observe anything from below, and she and Hydrangea can see both Nano and Tristan. The guards standing inside don’t do much but give nods in regard to their being here, and continue to stand.

Suddenly, there’s a loud noise resonating out of the dome. An object shoots out above them, a fair-sized dart torpedoing ten kilometers away. Nano holds out his hand to keep Tristan in place, signing: We have to wait for it to stop. Then they’ll let us know to go.

The object, which flashes a slow red in the distance, finally stops. A split second after there’s a blast—

The boys shoot off, even faster than the measuring pod, a blur of white froth and dark shapes. Odessa and Hydrangea peer closely at their retreating forms. The water is clear, so they don’t lose sight of them, and the height helps keep track of their movements underwater. They could’ve swam on the surface, but Nano prefers being under the waves, and Tristan is flexible about location. However, from the look of it, despite Nano being smaller and more spry, Tristan’s strength is also an advantage, keeping an impressive pace.

Hydrangea turns to a guard, “You don’t happen to have binoculars, do you?”

He raises a brow before opening a chest nearby and handing her a pair.

She smiles, “Oh, thank you!”

Odessa doesn’t ask for any herself, as she has no trouble following their forms. Tristan’s frame is notable, even intimidating, much of the time, and in this form, he stands out. Nano continues to be faster, and she has to commend that he isn’t wavering.

They notice that the pod is moving, darting toward the surface. Tristan and Nano don’t break their speed, immediately changing to chase after it. They crash through the surface—a whirlwind of bubbles torrenting from the intensity, and again as they return. Hydrangea gives an excited ‘ooh!’ and Odessa grins, enjoying the competition. If the boys were holding back, they certainly weren’t anymore. The pod keeps up with them, continuing its languid red flashing. Tristan and Nano tear through the water, fast approaching the dome’s end. Nano kicks in rapid succession, gaining some momentum.

Then Tristan jets further out, having saved some energy to push at the last possible moment.

Tristan touches the glass first, faster by 60 seconds. He grins with pride, turning to Nano with a thumbs-up.

Nano, pouting, crosses his arms.

Tristan gives the boy a gentle pat on the back, causing Nano to crack a smile.

The pod settles slowly between them, and Nano takes it with him as he swims back to the entrance.

Odessa and Hydrangea watch the two pop up from the ground, landing on their feet. Hydrangea thanks the guard for lending the binoculars, and walks down the stairs with Odessa.

“You both did amazing!” Hydrangea cheers, applauding.

“Thanks, Gea,” Tristan replies, blushing a little. “But I don’t know if it’s really that big of a deal when my opponent is a little kid.”

“Actually, it is,” Odessa clarifies. “Nano is really fast, even for his age. Delphicans, even young, are quicker than even the fastest Salinean, so consider it a true win!”

“Really?” Tristan asks, surprised.

“Yep!” Nano exclaims.

Odessa waved a hand, “I didn’t mention it before because I wanted to see what would happen.” Tristan tends to hold himself back, especially if he feels there’s no point in giving it a chance. To see him go all out was a treat.

Nano is full on smiling now, shaking his head, “Well, I thought I could beat you but you really got me! I’ve never lost before.”

Odessa smirks, “You had to learn to lose someday.”

Nano places his hands on his elbows, “Yeah, I guess…”

Was he not as good as he thought? He’s been used to being the fastest, especially among his peers. It’s a little odd...

Tristan flips his hair back, slicking it away. With an encouraging smile, he replies, “You did great too! Give yourself credit.”

A spark of admiration takes over Nano’s eyes. Hero worship at its finest.

                                                             -

“Hey, Mom!” Odessa says.

“Odessa! There you are! Did you make it to Inicos okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. I was meeting up with Kreed, had dinner, and then Nano wanted to race Tristan.”

“Ooohh, you were already so busy!” Entrapta says. She turns to her right, “Hordak! Say hi to our baby!”

Hordak sits beside Entrapta, smiling at her, “Hello, Odessa.”

“Hi, Dad,” Odessa replies. “How’re things at Etheria?”

“Work has been progressing smoothly,” Hordak says. “We’ve begun new construction on both Beast Island and New Chelicerata.”

“That’s awesome,” she tells them. She glances to her left, motioning her friends over. “Gea, you hear that?”

“I did!” Hydrangea answers, looking at Hordak and Entrapta. “How are my moms? Is everything okay at Plumeria too?”

“Never better!” Entrapta shouts. “We’ve been keeping occupied since you all left. Scorpia has been helping us a lot! She says she loves and misses you!”

“And Perfuma,” Hordak adds.

“Right! And Perfuma too!”

At that, Hydrangea smiles, more than happy.

Hordak looks at Odessa, “Has your uncle shown you the portal yet?”

“I’m sure he will soon,” Odessa replies. “There’s a lot to see!”

“That is good to hear,” Hordak says. He turns to his right, “Imp, don’t play with that!”

He leaves to go handle whatever her brother is doing, and Entrapta leans in to the communicator, “Your father misses you.”

Odessa gives a warm smile, “I miss him too. Both of you.”

“Have you asked Kreed anything about the clones?”

“No, that hasn’t occurred yet either. I intend to do it very soon.”

Hordak returns, holding Imp in his arms, “What else has transpired on your journey?”

They regale them with details of the rest of the day, finding that they’ve needed to talk to each other more than they believed. Hydrangea interjects during appropriate moments to inquire about her parents further, where Tristan does not.

Eventually, they bid goodbye, and head to bed after a tiring day, excited for tomorrow’s venture, and everything afterward.

                                                              -

Hydrangea and Tristan were impressed with the ingenuity of the dome. Their rooms have been modified for their needs and wants, giving them individual freedom as guests of Inicos. Everything was incredible: from the water systems that converted salt water to fresh through advanced hydraulics, the use of the planet’s natural gifts to aid in creating everything they saw from their furniture to their food to landscapes and buildings, and occasionally being sent what they could not make here through a portal.

But what they couldn’t help except be amazed by were Nano’s aquatic brethren.

Standing at nine feet tall, his mother, Esynad, greets them this morning outside of the dome, swimming lazily past the glass, before hopping inside from the tube. She is misted with a special chemical concoction of the clones’ design, allowing natives of Inicos to partake of the dome’s atmosphere without trouble.

Possessing scales that glisten in the sun, highlighting flashes of purple when she moves, she is considered to be a stunner among even her kind. Though, to Hydrangea and Tristan, she was beautiful to them as well and could see why anyone would’ve considered being her partner. But here, on Inicos, the ‘women’ choose who to mate with. All begin life with total androgyny, with no true way to separate them outwardly. Yet at maturity, a select group of Delphicans become large enough to be considered the females of their kind, and use the female reproductive organs each one holds. Afterward, they were asked to choose who to mate with by overlooking battles of strength and cunning between those who are ‘male’. It couldn’t be simply anyone—the males had to be near equal to the stature and power of the females and granted permission by whomever they pursue.

Esynad had received hundreds of suitors, all which failed her expectations. Fickle with her hand and undeterred by their pleas, she ignored them. Years had gone by and she continued to reject everyone who attempted to court her. Those who dared to fight one another in her presence, without her blessing, were punished swiftly. Esynad had no qualm being ruthless with those who displeased her.

When the clones arrived, the Delphicans were reluctant to share their space, but once they proved they had no interest in doing much of anything except stay above the surface, and remained neutral in territory disputes between separate pods, the Delphicans were accepting of their occupancy.

Eventually, they realized there was a higher benefit to working together and coexisting harmoniously. Esynad, being a de facto leader, made it her business to cooperate with their newfound friends. This led to her meeting Kreed, who took it upon himself to help his brethren and the people of Inicos. Not a few months later, she announced that he would be her permanent husband.

Kreed had been an unorthodox decision, both from being another species and that she refused to have him battle with anyone, saying that it was unnecessary, for she would have him alone. However, being customary, Kreed abided by their rules and triumphed over every single challenger. With that completed, they were given freedom to be together, and it eventually became part of their culture that clones could participate in the rituals of Delphican folk.

In time, due to the existence of hybrid children, it became apparent that it was important to adopt aspects of the clones as well. As they had no way of going about it on their own, they called on Hordak to inform them of his own child-rearing process. There was less fighting amongst each other for mates, and it became a community for raising offspring, however they were born. If bloodlust suited anyone, on either side, they were allowed to do battle; but the parents of said hybrid children were off limits for coupling, forming into monogamous pairs.

Esynad was still no one to trifle with, but being part of a partnership mellowed her a fair degree. She turns to the trio, a gentle smile on her features, dark eyes reflecting the kindness.

Odessa comes up to her, “Esynad! You’re looking spectacular as usual.”

Esynad lightly taps Odessa’s shoulder, “You’re so sweet, young one.”

Nano rushes to his mother, hugging her leg, “Are we showing them to the portal?”

“Yes,” Esynad replies, giving a slow wave of her hand. “Please, follow us.”

Kreed and Esynad both decided to take the liberty of escorting them, the six of them walking through the halls.

Kreed looks over his shoulder, “Odessa, I understand that you arrived in Inicos with some intended purpose. Is it too early to ask you to illuminate the subject?”

“No, it is not,” Odessa begins, glancing between her relatives. “I wanted to ask about Horde Prime.”

This gives her aunt and uncle pause, turning to appraise her, mildly bewildered.

Understanding her niece prefers forthright conversation, Esynad asks first, “Why would you want to know about that?”

“I’ve asked my father and have gotten no answer. I’m simply curious about what we are.”

“We…” Kreed trails off, thinking. He resumes his pace toward the portal. “We are clones of Horde Prime. No longer soldiers or invaders. But we continue to be—and always will be—clones of Horde Prime.”

Odessa walks alongside him, “But there must have been something before Prime? A way of life and culture that he may have passed onto you all?”

Kreed frowns, keeping silent. Giving him time to think on it, Odessa opts to glance around at the vicinity. The hallways have narrowed down to a singular direction, and the doors slide open, showcasing a portal in the center of the room. Wires, pipes and insulated cables align themselves upon the walls, or on the floor out of the way of roaming bodies. But they all hook up to the portal, or are connected to machines that deal with energy.

Eyes slightly wide, Hydrangea remarks, “That is a larger portal than the rest of them.”

Esynad looks at her, “Yes, we receive gifts from our family throughout the galaxies. Oftentimes, they are normal-sized, but on occasion, we do receive something that is larger or numerous in number. To accommodate, we’ve made a portal bigger than the normal scale. It’s why we couldn’t bring you three right away, but this will allow you all to traverse back easier.”

Kreed nods, “Indeed. We have made necessary preparations for when that time comes, whenever it may be. Until then, you are welcome to stay here for as long as you like.” He looks at Odessa. “Did you really travel all the way here to ask about our once-leader?”

“No one on Etheria could provide an answer,” explains Odessa, readying her recorder in her hair. “They suggested here to start.”

Exhaling through his nose, Kreed motions for her to come with him, as her friends discuss other things with her relations.

“Your determination is not without merit, Odessa,” Kreed says. “However, this is not a question that is worth exploring.”

Odessa comes right up to him, unafraid to be invasive, “Is it because you have no information to offer me, or that you are unwilling to divulge it?”

“Judging by the sound of your tone, my niece, you would be wise to consider the ramifications of your query,” Kreed replies, hands behind his back.

Odessa turns lightly on her heel, holding out her hands, “I have considered it. I’ve considered that this is something that we need to understand.” She spins on her foot, meeting his eyes. “There’s so much about us that we don’t know, even with all the technology and magic in the universe, there is no viable method out there that can explore deep memories.”

Kreed is one of the oldest clones that she is aware of. Talon’s age is astonishing as is when compared to other lifeforms, but Kreed is a grand total of 150. And still going.

There are slight changes in his appearance to the rest of the clones, where he is beginning to show signs of age. But the differences are so minute, the wrinkles visible when one strains the eyes to catch them, as they are fine lines, that they matter very little. His strength and agility is not remotely impaired by the fact. His physicality, unmarred by time, continues to put him above many species she’s encountered, as well as Inicosans, and especially Etherians. How old can their species become? If there were hundreds of him hanging above her head on the flagship, how long had he terrorized the universe? If he could conceivably live over a century, what else could he do?

“I conducted a study back on Etheria about your brothers,” Odessa tells him. “Everything about it suggests promising brain activity, and I want to test my hypothesis further. But to do so, I must have more information about us.”

Kreed glances at Esynad as she approaches, holding Nano in her arms, “This information… if given, what do you intend to do with it?”

Everything.

She wants to do everything with it.

She has to know what they are capable of, beyond a past of destruction and a present of rectifying mistakes. There’s a future for them that is complete. Hopeful.

“I simply want to learn more about us.”

Kreed closes his eyes, inhaling. Slow and easy. He is more than aware that Odessa is a personality that pushes toward the truth. A scientist and inventor like her parents both, she inherited their tenacity, and, for better or worse, their tunnel vision. She has shown incredible potential. What she lacks in social tact, she more than makes up for with her ability to observe and act on those observations.

Since she was young, he has been keeping track of her as well. The moment she asked for blood samples of her relatives at the age of five, he knew that she was different. She has spent countless hours of her youth being encompassed by superior science and keen minds. Trained and nurtured to ask questions, find answers, and adapt based on the result. Being a hybrid had nothing to do with it. What set her apart from all the children of clones was Odessa’s desire. A desire for what, he may never know. But she yearns for more. She longs. Until it’s found.

He has lived a long time, and he doesn’t know a clone similar to him. But he knows age isn’t the thing to contest. What the wise seek in peace, the eager seek in tumults, and how long someone has been alive doesn’t matter there. It’s all about who a person is. However, if anyone can withstand such a journey, it would be her.

Tristan and Hydrangea come together to stand at either side of Odessa. Friends that he has seen grown up over communicators, and their loyalty to her is impressive. Hordak wouldn’t allow anyone to be around his child that may be a threat to her safety, physically or emotionally. He wouldn’t either. So he looks at each one for a moment, exhaling.

“I, like your father, and my brothers, know nothing else except Prime.” Kreed says, voice measured. “He is part of us, forever, even as we build our lives on things besides him. You know that.”

Odessa nods, eye contact not wavering.

“There is… space…”

“Space?”

“Space. In our heads.” Kreed explains. He puts a gently closed fist against his chin. “Did you note that in your study?”

“No. My experiment involved photographic memory,” Odessa says, intrigued. She leans in, “What do you mean by ‘space?’”

“It’s… an expanse,” Kreed draws another breath, then out. “I’m unsure of whether it is due to being connected to the hivemind for so long, or if this is an aspect of ourselves as a species… but in my head, there’s a void. A void that contains the knowledge we possess, but it can be filled further. The mind cannot grasp all information in the universe. It would drive a person mad. However, my mind feels similar to a larger space—perhaps a deep cavern or pit, where it stretches outward past what individuals may expect it to end.”

“The brain is a powerful organ, though,” Odessa adds. “It can store a lot more data than we can ever hope to calculate.”

“That may be,” Kreed tells her. “And I do not doubt your research. We learn new information every day. But everything has its limits, including the mind and what it can withstand. What it can hold. All three of you can keep receiving new facts until the day you die, but learning new things weakens as you age. It stands to reason that the brain, then, is finite.”

“So, this void inside your mind, does it end?” Hydrangea asks.

“I believe it does,” Kreed replies. “You see, eventually, there’s a point where everything must stop. You can be a savant on many subjects at once, or dedicate your senses to partaking of a single subject and becoming an expert on that. The mind can learn and learn and learn all it wants, but once you hit that proverbial wall, you cannot go past it. It’d be too intense of a breakthrough. Yet, for us, I can only guess that we all have the similar proclivity to recollecting more information than most could even conceive because it’s a bigger space.”

Odessa breathes out. A mind that could hold more knowledge than ever thought possible… “Talon informed me that when you are all ‘born’ there’s a wall there, too. That you cannot remember anything before that point, and everything after that is what you keep. Is that a fair assessment?”

Kreed nods, “Yes, that’s correct. I cannot remember anything before being released. That is our starting point. Afterward, it's an endless space.”

“Although, as someone that’s been alive longer than the others, is it possible you have knowledge that they don’t?” Odessa says, tone a little more enthusiastic. “Can you remember anything else from your time with the Horde?”

“Aside from what you’d expect? No.”

“I see,” she says, glancing at her companions.

Esynad touches her husband’s shoulder, looking down at him, “Perhaps our niece would benefit from visiting Rulvam.”

Odessa’s eyes widen slightly, “Rulvam?”

Tristan raises a brow, “I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned that before, Des.”

“I haven’t!” she says, louder from excitement. Turning back to Kreed, she asks, “What’s there? We have other family members living somewhere we didn’t know of?”

“Several of your uncles have gone on to other planets after settling on Inicos for a time,” Esynad explains to them, voice low and soothing. “Rulvam is a planet a fair distance from us, about the length that it took you to arrive here without a portal.”

Kreed adds, “The only difference between Rulvam and other planets we’ve made home, is that there is no portal in place.”

Hydrangea’s brows furrow together, “They don’t own a portal, or theirs isn’t working? Like yours had been?”

“The reason is unclear,” Kreed admits, glancing up at his wife. “Some time ago, we stopped receiving all communication from them. We sent out signals, to no avail; the last transmission we obtained was a positive one, telling us on Inicos that the planet was being changed for the better, and new projects were underway to bring out the best of Rulvam. Aside from Etheria, we don’t come into contact with any of our sister planets too often.”

Nano, who had been quietly absorbing the conversation, speaks, “That had been four years ago now, right?”

“That’s correct,” Kreed says, smiling at his child.

Odessa is bewildered. A planet with relatives that she’s never been to before. That’s amazing! It’s another lead that, hopefully, will uncover more about their kind.

Tristan shifts his gaze at Odessa. She’s already thinking of something new. But if there’s anything that stays consistent, it’s her inquiring mind.

Hydrangea looks at her friends, aware that they’re all pondering the same question.

Why did Rulvam stop communication?

                                                              -

LINEAGE LOG: DAY 730

I spoke with my aunt and uncle today about the concept of memory! It proved to be an exciting trip. In a few days, we will be taking the portal back to Etheria, as it’s now completed, and save ourselves a healthy amount of time. They didn’t mind us being here, but I believe it’s time to return to Etheria. I never mind the constant travel through space, however, it will be profitable and convenient to visit my parents sooner than later. Then, we can begin planning our next journey!

[fieryanmitsu]

Worthy | A3! Rare Pairs Week 2020 – Day 1 (Itaru/Izumi)

I AM SO LATE, but welcome to my first entry for the A3! Rare Pairs Week 2020!

This writing event is being hosted by @A3!_69min on Twitter and AO3 and focuses on writing romantic fics for unpopular A3! pairings. As it happens, every single Izumi pairing except Sakyo/Izumi is a rare pair per the event’s definition of rare pair.

SO, MY GOAL IS TO WRITE IZUMI SHIPS ALL WEEK!

Of course, I’m starting off with my OTP – I love ItaIzu so much, I’ll take any excuse to write them.

WORTHY

PROMPTS: Adoration / Jealousy

CHARACTERS: Itaru Chigasaki, Izumi Tachibana

PAIRINGS: Itaru/Izumi

My fanfic masterpost: Here

AO3: Link in my Blog Menu

Izumi was curious.

The question had been on her mind all day since her conversation with Muku over breakfast. The middle schooler had been excitedly telling her all about the shojo manga he was currently reading. Apparently, he hadn’t slept well the night before because he had gotten worked up over the latest chapter.

“You’re staring a hole into my head,” her boyfriend remarked suddenly, though his eyes never left the television screen in front of him, his thumbs flying across his controller.

Itaru was playing some kind of action-adventure game and was currently exploring an underground dungeon with his character. Ever since she had mentioned that she liked the background music, he played this particular game whenever he had to wait for her to finish reviewing her post-rehearsal notes.

“Oh, sorry – I was just… curious about something. But, it’s a bit, er, awkward to ask about…” Izumi responded, one hand fidgeting with the pages of her notebook and the other absentmindedly poking the back of her pen into the Poyo – some pink, round mascot character that Itaru liked – cushion on her lap.

“Oh? Why don’t you try me?”

“Well… I was talking to Muku this morning about the shojo manga he’s reading. There was a scene where the rival character was confessing to the heroine. It was apparently a very heartfelt and passionate declaration of love. Something about how even seeing her with the other guy made his heart feel like it was being torn apart by knives. And that he hated seeing her cry because of that other guy and that he’d give up everything to whisk her away and make her happy. It ended with him asking the heroine to pick him instead.”

“Ahhh, yeah, that’s a classic. Never fails to stir up the fans,” Itaru responded with a knowing nod.

“And then, Muku gave me a 20-minute seminar on classic shojo jealousy scenes and, uh, well… They were more, um, thrilling than I expected? Sooooo, it kinda just, you know… made me wonder,” Izumi stiltedly blurted out. She couldn’t believe she was going to ask him this – her face was already flushed with embarrassment. Maybe Muku’s starry-eyed wonder was contagious. “Do you, umm… ever get jealous of seeing me with other guys?”

“Uh… I’m not sure how to tell you this, but you have twenty other guys, twenty-one if you count Kamekichi, hanging off you – sometimes literally – every single day. If I got jealous every time one of them sat next to you, I’d be six-feet under already.”

“Okay, yeah, that was dumb question – let me rephrase it!” Izumi backpedaled frantically. “What would you do if someone else confessed their love to me – like they were trying to steal me away? Would you be jealous? Would you fly into a blind rage? Or pin me against a wall and forcefully kiss me?! Or barge in and passionately declare: ‘Choose me, not him’?!”

“Man, you really are starting to sound like Muku – all of those options sound awful, by the way. But, in all seriousness, I, uh… don’t think that would ever happen,” he responded with a nervous chuckle.

Izumi felt herself deflate a bit, unable to help feeling just a teensy bit disappointed that he had shot down her fantasies so quickly. At the same time, she wasn’t sure that she could even imagine him acting that way. She just felt like… it wouldn’t be Itaru anymore – and that thought also made her feel uncomfortable. Maybe this whole jealousy thing wasn’t as exciting as she had thought it would be a few minutes ago.

As her thoughts came full circle, she suddenly heard an odd sound from the television. She had been watching Itaru play this game for a few days now and recognized the sounds his character made when he was dying. Thinking that he was losing against a boss, Izumi glanced at the screen and saw that he was just fighting a bunch of normal enemies. She noted that the usual boss music wasn’t playing, either. Yet, his health bar was slowly, but surely, depleting.

Thinking it was strange for him to be playing so badly, Izumi shifted her attention from the television screen to look at Itaru. What she saw made the blood in her veins turn to ice. Unceremoniously throwing her notebook and poor Poyo to the floor, she practically hurled her body across the empty space between them.

Itaru had taught her the basics of how to use his GameStation when she had borrowed a Blu-ray movie from a friend, and she knew that, if she pressed the middle button on his controller, it would bring the user back to the home screen. Reaching over his arm, she pushed down on the middle button and a blue screen immediately popped up, effectively pausing the game. Gently prying the controller away from Itaru’s limp hands, she set it down on his coffee table before she turned off the television screen.

“Itaru, what’s wrong?” she asked worriedly, placing a hand on one of his arms and squeezing it gently.

The salaryman’s brow was furrowed, and he kept his face averted from hers, gaze trained on the floor. Even from his profile, she could see that his mouth was set in a firm and tight line. It had been a long time since she’d seen him make this expression.

“You’re not going to like what I’m about to say,” he responded after a long pause.

Izumi could feel her stomach drop. She had heard those words before – it had been right before her last breakup. She had thought things were going well between them, but maybe she was wrong…?

“Why don’t you try me?” she prompted, trying to keep her voice light as she imitated his words from earlier.

At the same time, she did her best to brace her heart, despite that it was starting to beat erratically. Whatever he said, she would graciously accept it – telling herself that she couldn’t afford to have things be awkward between them.

“Getting jealous over someone… it only happens when you don’t want them taken away from you, right?” Itaru said slowly, deliberately. “So… I don’t think I could ever be jealous… because… I… I don’t feel that way.”

Izumi couldn’t have possibly braced hard enough for that kind of impact. She could feel a hot feeling well up in her throat and tears were already prickling at the back of her eyes.

“Does… Does that mean you don’t want to be with me, anymore?” she asked, unable to help the waver in her voice.

Her question hung in the air unanswered as she watched him clench and unclench his hands on his lap, his eyes still stuck on the floor.

“Itaru, will you look at me? Please?” she begged. She was starting to feel light-headed and she just… She just needed to ground herself somehow.

After a long moment, he shifted his position to angle himself towards her on the couch, though his eyes remained downcast.

Izumi gently cupped his face in her hands and lifted his head to level with her own. She could feel his jaw clenched beneath her palms.

“Itaru, talk to me,” she coaxed gently, fighting to keep her voice steady. “What did you mean earlier?”

Though he didn’t move her hands away, he continued to avert his eyes.

“I… I can’t be jealous,” he began quietly. “Because… if someone else confessed to you, it’d be better that way. I’d be happy.”

“Why would you say that?” Izumi demanded, her tone coming out harsher than she had intended. She inhaled deeply to try and calm herself, though her brain was still rattled by his words. “Weren’t you the one who confessed to me first, Itaru? You asked me to give you a chance, so why would you think that way?”

A long moment passed between them in silence, but Izumi could see Itaru’s emotions warring on his face. She didn’t dare breathe until he finally opened his mouth again.

“Sometimes… I think it was a mistake that I asked you out,” he said quietly, his voice cracking as he continued on. “The more time I spend with you… the more I think about how… how you deserve someone better than me.”

Suddenly, she felt a wet sensation tickle against her fingers. As tears fell from his magenta-coloured eyes, Izumi was struck by several emotions.

The first was awe. For the first time, she understood what it meant when people said that there were beautiful criers. Though she knew that it was morbid, at that moment, she truly thought that Itaru was the most beautiful man she had ever seen, even as tears blotted his cheeks and turned his eyes red.

The second was sorrow. She felt unspeakable sadness that this person before her had struggled through so much in his life that he felt unworthy of being with someone he professed to love and thought that she would be better off without him.

Anger was the third. She was angry at herself for being unable to reassure him, to stop him from feeling this way despite the amount of time they had already spent together.

Last of all, she felt a surge of… something. She had only been in a couple of casual relationships before, and none of them as passionate as the one she had experienced with Itaru in the past half a year. Nor were any of them as comfortable as what she felt when she was with him. Spending time with Itaru both calmed her and brought butterflies to her stomach. Never in her life had she felt like she mattered as much as she did than when this man looked at her.

Was this love? She didn’t know, since she had no landmark to compare it against. But, what she was sure of was that she didn’t want to see Itaru look this way. She wanted to see him with his usual crooked smirk, just like the one he always gave when he teased her. She wanted to see his eyes crinkle like they did when he won a game. She wanted to see a smile on his face – like the one that bloomed across his face whenever the curtains fell after a successful Spring Troupe performance.

 She didn’t know when it had started, but she was crying as well.

 “Itaru,” she started, ignoring the salty taste in her mouth as her tears rolled past her lips, turning his face in an attempt to meet his gaze. “You… You don’t mean that, do you.”

 “I do,” he said firmly, still refusing to look her in the eye. Instead, he took her hands in his and removed it from his face – but rather than letting them go, his fingers squeezed hers tightly.

“No, you don’t,” she replied just as forcefully, finding her footing again as her heart resolved itself. “Because if you did, then you wouldn’t look so torn right now. Your hands wouldn’t be shaking. If you would truly be happy to have someone take me away from you, then you wouldn’t have been dying against enemies that you can usually beat in your sleep.”

 Itaru closed his eyes, as if he were wincing in pain.

 “Itaru, please. Don’t push me away.”

 A fresh stream of tears rolled down his face as he let out a rasping breath, shoulders shaking.

 “Did you know, the look on your face just now was so similar to when you told me you wanted to quit the troupe? You couldn’t look at me when I asked you to admit that you weren’t interested in theatre – that you didn’t care about performing with the others,” she said softly, using her thumb to wipe away the tears streaking his face.

 As a quiet sob tore its way out of Itaru’s throat, he leaned forward and buried his head against her shoulder, quickly soaking the material of her shirt. Letting her own tears fall, she lightly ran her fingers through his hair.

 “I… I want… to be with you… I want to feel worthy of you,” he gasped out in between sobs.

 “Itaru, I’m not some deity on a pedestal. I’m just a regular person, like you. You don’t have to be worthy of anything to be with me,” she replied.

 She felt him shake his head against her shoulder, his hair tickling against her chin.

 “If you still think that way, then… then let me tell you what I told you once before. Give yourself a little more time,” Izumi said, wrapping her arms around him, and nuzzling her face into his hair. “You owe it to yourself to keep trying. And… it’s not all on you. I’ll keep trying, too. I want to be a person that’s worthy of your efforts.”

 Then, after a long moment cradled in her arms, Itaru slowly lifted his head and finally allowed his red-rimmed eyes to meet hers, a small, lop-sided smile sneaking its way onto his lips.

 “Well… then I hope you’re ready to accept responsibility for your actions again.”

 “Of course!”

I had hoped to put this out on the actual first day of this week, but I kept rewriting it because I wasn’t satisfied with it. Even now, I’m not completely pleased with the finished product, but, I honestly don’t know how long it would take me to finish writing if I kept mulling over it! So, I decided to finally just settle with this version and post it and not look back!!

 In the end, I still got my central point across: which is that I wanted to write about how and why someone doesn’t feel jealous in a romantic relationship. And, so, this happened, haha. But, I didn’t want a sad ending, so I ended up on a hopeful note.

 Anyway, I APPARENTLY ONLY WRITE ITAIZU ANGST. I’m so sorry, Itaru – I’ll do you right next time!! No, really, HAHA. My entry for Day 2 (which will hopefully get written out in the next couple of days) is another ItaIzu and it’s NOT sad, I promise. In fact, it’s just PWP, LOLOL.

 If you liked my first entry, please do stick around for my other pieces for “A3! Rare Pairs Week 2020”! After my ItaIzu for Day 2, I’ll be moving on to other Izumi pairings. It’s a secret for now which pairings will all be covered in the end, but I’m here to spread the Izumi love!!

 Thank you for reading and please do leave a comment letting me know what you think! Any reblogs are always greatly appreciated and would really help me out!

 I hope to see you again! Bye for now!

 -Anmitsu

[atopearth]

Fate/stay night Réalta Nua Part 2 - Fate Route (2/2)

Day 10 - 15 I don’t think I ever realised how deep the repercussions of Shinji activating the boundary field and sucking up the life force of the people in the school exactly was. Although we got to see (in the anime) people like Mitsuzuri not acting “normal”, when Shirou couldn’t sleep because he kept thinking about the people who had their skin melted, and how the lack of oxygen could severely affect their brain functions or other physical disabilities, it made me so mad that Shinji got away. Someone like him who could do such cruel things yet cry like a baby when he’s about to die makes me so mad and annoyed. Honestly, this is probably where I think Shirou is much more “mature” than Saber, he acknowledges that this tragic event occurred, he was powerless to stop it from happening, but he doesn’t dwell on kicking himself for allowing it to happen and wanting to go back to change it if he could (since he knows that such a thing shouldn’t be done on a whim even if he could do it). Instead, Shirou very logically understands that what he can and must do from now on is to prevent such a thing from happening ever again, and I think that’s really admirable, especially considering how much his guilt must weigh on him for being weak. But I guess that only makes him push himself even when he’s injured… It’s nice to see an explanation of the different Noble Phantasms that are either built to be anti-personnel ones where it’s really strong against people but “useless” against objects or armies and the other way around. Which i guess kinda balances out the different skills of each Servant since there’s no Noble Phantasm that is really effective against everything. I’m glad that Saber forced him to rest when he started looking around for Shinji, now Saber is being the less reckless one haha.

I guess the reason Shirou becomes who he is in “that future” is mainly because of the attitude he keeps up right now. Even Saber has noticed that he puts others before himself to the point that he doesn’t care about himself and doesn’t think about “saving” himself, and that’s probably what caused his life to go downhill when he realised how he sacrificed himself and everything for an ideal that gave him nothing in the end, whether it be satisfaction, happiness or any change in the world itself. He lives to become a protector of justice and yet neglects the importance of “Shirou’s” thoughts and feelings as a person instead of just the Shirou who was the only survivor in the last war, so he should do something with this life he was luckily blessed with by Kiritsugu. Wow, Rider on a Pegasus looked really beautiful, but at the same time eerie, considering she definitely lured Saber to the rooftop because she has a plan to defeat her. I definitely enjoy how Rider is living up to her name as Rider lol, to think she could summon a Pegasus from the times of the Gods and it’s actually powerful enough that its divine protection is even above Saber’s. I guess it was expected that Saber would have to use her Noble Phantasm Excalibur to defeat Rider (who took advantage of fighting in the air against Saber who is accustomed to fights on the ground). It’s just saddening that using it once depleted her mana so much that she might not be able to survive the next fight… It was nice to see Arturia/Saber’s past, I feel like she’s similar to Shirou in the sense that she never lived for herself either, when she was born, although she was tossed to an old knight due to her gender, she always trained properly as a knight knowing what her role in life was. She was born to be king and it was further proven when she was able to pull Caliburn(?) out of the ground. She knew her life could never be normal and accepted that, she knew she had to kill everyone to protect everyone around her, she took those responsibilities to heart so much, she always stood in the front lines to protect the people she felt she was destined to protect because she was the king, and nothing else.

It’s actually pretty cute how Saber has become more conscious of herself as a girl because of Shirou now, it’s nice to see her feel and be something other than a knight. But yeah, I always feel so sad about Archer being left behind to fend off Berserker so they can escape Illya’s castle, soo not worth it for Shirou and Saber🥺 But yeah, he did it to protect Rin so it can’t be helped, especially since there really was no other choice. The whole transplant with the Magic Circuit with the dragon inside of Saber etc was interesting… But what’s more interesting is how embarrassed Saber is towards Shirou now lol. It’s just such a contrast from how she acted before that it’s so amusing lol. It’s pretty amazing to hear that Archer dealt 6 fatal blows to Berserker before disappearing, if there’s only 6 “blows” left, that means Archer himself took Berserker to half health! Kinda crazy especially since Berserker gets enhanced strength and stuff for being berserk (has no rationality etc, even though he regained it for a second from the battle with Archer because of how interesting and worthy of a battle it was) and even Saber can’t match his strength. I love Archer😭

Although it’s super cool that Shirou could reproduce an imitation of Caliburn (the sword Saber pulled out from the ground), it’s still crazy to think that the attack they both used together could actually destroy Berserker’s body seven-fold with a single blow. Ooh I never realised that Masters could actually have more than one Servant, it’s just unfeasible due to having to split up magical power. Although I’ll never like Illya (look at all those deaths in the bad ends!), she is cute and honest, and I do love how she won’t have any other Servant except Berserker. Lmao when she said she’ll take Saber if Shirou loses since she doesn’t intend on allowing anyone except him to win the war, so she’ll win it in his stead if that happens lol. It was so cute when Saber used a napkin to wipe Illya’s cheek when it got dirty as she was eating. But I think when Saber said she did it because she didn’t want Illya’s beautiful hair to get dirty made me think that maybe Saber is so partial to it because of Irisviel (Illya’s mother).

I’m really glad the novel actually expands on Saber’s past, her thoughts and feelings much more, I always thought she was a shallow character in the anime, so it’s great to see this. “Nobody wanted her to be human, but they revolted against her because she didn’t have a human’s feelings”. I find this quote so saddening… Saber worked hard to be nothing but a “king” for the knights and the people around her because they all found it difficult to acknowledge her as one when she was just a kid that pulled out a sword, and yet when she succeeded in winning battles and leading them, they found dissatisfaction in the fact that even though she was capable, she didn’t have the heart to truly move or guide people because all she was, was some kind of being that was so great yet so difficult to understand. What she sacrificed to lead people in the end became what the people revolted against her for. It’s so… ridiculously ironic that it honestly breaks my heart to think about how difficult it must have been for Saber. She gave up herself and lived for these people that ended up going against her despite her doing her best in the only way she knew to lead them. She was always alone, but no one thought anything of it, because she was the king, and yet despite whatever misgivings she had as a king, the knights never questioned her until they decided to just leave her. Just as she never showed them and the people her emotions and thoughts, her people also never wanted that from her until they suddenly decided otherwise. I think by seeing all this, I can much more appreciate how the innocent, cute and sweet Saber acts in front of Shirou. It’s like, because of him, she was able to regain and show a part of herself that she had to always restrain inside because of how unnecessary it was to the world, and yet Shirou from the very beginning always insisted on treating her as a human, as a girl and as just any other person. How ironic it is that she was never treated as a human when she was alive, yet she is treated as one when she becomes a Servant. I think what must have broken her the most was her last battle against the knights that usurped her throne and split the country in two, making her fight in the soil she fought so hard to protect all these years. And I guess that’s why Saber can so assuredly say that Shirou’s way of living is wrong and will cause him grief in the future. Because they’re so similar in that they both completely disregard themselves as “anything” compared to the “importance” of others. On a lighter note, I love how simple and sweet their everyday life is, it’s so cute how much fun Saber and Illya have just sharing boxed lunches together in the dojo, they’re so adorable. Although I do have to really question how useful Saber and Shirou’s training has been if they’re both so reserved towards each other now lol.

The heroic spirit thing is certainly interesting… To think that heroes make a contract with the world in order to become a hero, receive powers beyond humans and then pay for this after death by becoming heroic spirits that could be summoned for the war… But Saber is different because she became a hero with her own powers and not by contract with the world, it was only when she was about to die that she made that contract to be a heroic spirit in order to obtain the Holy Grail (that she sought when she was Arturia). Hmm so right now, Saber isn’t exactly a Servant since her time has only “stopped”, but then when she gets the grail, she will die and become a heroic spirit as per the contract…and that’s why she can’t go into spirit form… it’s actually because she’s not dead😮 And unlike the other Servants who are essentially copies of themselves (so they disappear when defeated), Saber goes back to her own time (the moment before her death) instead. I wondered to what point Saber wants to change things, but to think she believes that maybe the sword chose wrong, so she wants to redo the selection in hope that a more “suitable” king would be found and her country wouldn’t be in ruins because of her. Honestly, although Shirou is mad that she has no regards for herself even to this point, and that he wants the Saber here to be happy (instead of just the Saber that will not be king if she really gets the Holy Grail), I’m mad at Saber for completely disregarding the ten years she fought for her country. Even if it ended in betrayal and shambles, even if that wasn’t the ending she desired, how can she disregard the lives she saved alongside the lives that were lost? What makes her think that this is entirely her responsibility? Just as she chose to pull out the sword, the others decided to follow her (even if it was in reluctance for a bit), the fall of a country isn’t someone’s sole responsibility. But I guess what annoys Shirou the most is that even though Saber tells him that he’s on the “wrong path”, Saber doesn’t even realise she’s doing the same thing as him. She only thinks of herself as the king that failed and must do something to rectify that when she doesn’t even really think of her own life outside of being king. 

Hahahaha, I love Tiger Dojo 9 when Taiga and Illya diss Saber for being weak, getting controlled by Caster and killing Shirou lmaoo. LOL at Saber getting her revenge on them riding a tiger hahahaha, omg these Tiger Dojos are so fun to read. Kinda sad that Caster has to interrupt during the heated conversation, sooo rude lol. Lmao at Saber wanting to use Excalibur against the horde of golems in Shirou’s house, lady, do you want to destroy everything and the people in the vicinity?! Caster feels like such a cheat though, not only can she cast magic without a Magical Circuit and with short incantations since she’s from the age of Gods or whatever, her Noble Phantasm is rigged even if it’s not “super powerful” like Saber’s. I’m surprised that Gilgamesh appeared to “save the day”. But anyway, I guess I’ve never been a fan of Caster and Gilgamesh because imo they kinda ruin the power balance in the story and makes things less interesting. Let’s see if the novel changes my mind for this haha. Maybe now I’ll get to see why Gilgamesh is so obsessed with Saber?

Honestly though, I find Saber so silly to think that if she herself was an incapable king, what makes her think that she is capable of properly selecting an “appropriate king” in her stead? Hmmm, how interesting that the Einzbern family were the ones who initially wanted to summon the Holy Grail but ended up getting cooperation from the Tohsaka family due to the need for their land, and then they got the Makiri family to try and balance things out, but since the first “war” ended in such a bloodfest, the Holy Grail War started changing into what it is now, with Einzbern providing the vessel, Tohsaka the land and model for the Servants, and the Makiri provided the Command Spells. I’m kinda glad that Shirou knows his feelings for Saber though, I mean he’s so obstinate about “saving” her and keeping her here so she can live a life for herself instead of others, it was about time for him to realise how important she was to him haha. Although I do feel like the romantic vibes are rather weak, I do acknowledge that their relationship is something more along the lines of they would sacrifice their lives for the other without even needing to think about it. 

LMAO when Tohsaka asked what Shirou was going to do tomorrow with such a serious face and he says he’s going to go on a date hahahha. Tohsaka was so cute when she burst out laughing at him. Their date was so awkward and yet so cute lol. I really liked their conversation at the bridge, it’s mainly a reiteration of what they both stubbornly want from each other; with Shirou wanting Saber to live her life for herself and Saber denying that because it’s her duty to attain the holy grail. They both care about each other but just can’t find a way for the other to understand what they want or must do. But yeah, I just really liked it because I guess it was nice to see more depth to Saber’s feelings, her pain and how much she wants to do what Shirou wants her to do but is unable to because she feels so bound to her duty. Mmmm I see! Gilgamesh is the king of heroes, a half God half human king that had a whole treasury of weapons (that are now Noble Phantasms because they’re now owned by heroes) and collected them his whole lifetime, and they were only spread through the land after his death. Even though Gilgamesh is infinitely arrogant and overbearing, it was rather respectable for him to use Ea, a sword that only the king of heroes possesses to face off against Excalibur. Although Gilgamesh won and was as detestable as ever, it was great to see Shirou relentlessly continue to fight half dead. What Saber couldn’t do, Shirou did, even if he was weak, even if he was tattered by Gilgamesh, he still stood because he no matter what desired to protect Saber, the most important person to him, and honestly although these scenes are cliche, I still really loved it because I could really feel Shirou’s desperation, and Saber’s hope for him to just give up and not hurt himself anymore. So when he was able to hurt Gilgamesh (and cause him to leave for some reason, probably because he felt so disgraced lol), and Saber held him up realising that he was her sheath (to Excalibur), that scene was really beautiful and heartwarming. Because not only does he really have Saber’s sheath (and that’s why his wounds always heal next to her), it’s already been said (in her past) that what’s more important than the sword is the sheath itself that will always protect her, and it’s kinda cute how Shirou is exactly that.

Oh dang, Saber in her sleepwear?! I’m surprised Shirou wasn’t excited! Hahaha, but I guess the atmosphere didn’t allow that. He kissed her, he showed her and told her his feelings very explicitly, but she couldn’t accept them no matter what, but she at least decided to hug him to sleep as a way to recover magical energy, and to spend one last night selfishly being Arturia rather than King Arthur. I… didn’t think I could get so disgusted with Kotomine. To think that all those children who were orphans from the fire ten years ago were taken in by the church and tortured all this time to give Gilgamesh the power to stay in this world…. Thinking about Shirou witnessing the scene of them all practically the living dead with missing limbs etc yet still “alive” really crushed me, because it’s so true, because Kiritsugu saved Shirou, he didn’t have to suffer like them, once again, he is the true sole survivor of that fire. It’s just so disheartening to think how that must feel and how much it must break him. Honestly, I feel sorry for Lancer that his Master is Kotomine. Although it would have been logical for Shirou to want the holy grail to undo the fire ten years ago, it was expected that he wouldn’t, since from the very beginning, he has never denied his past, he continues to carry it within him and apologise to the ones that died because he survived, but he has never thought that he would want to redo it. He always moved to change the present and only looked back for his resolve. So, I’m glad through him, Saber can understand how strong he is, and how wrong she has been. Just as it is cruel to deny the past, it is cruel to deny everything that happened after such an event. If she truly wants to change things, it should be done in the present. I’m glad she has come to terms with the decisions she made in her past. Even though it all ended in grief, those were her decisions and she did everything in accordance to her oath, there is nothing that she still needs to bear responsibility for. It must feel pretty crappy to be Saber though. She’s been fighting for the Holy Grail in two wars hoping that it would fulfill her wishes, only to realise that it’s just something that provides pure power of destruction to fulfill wishes since it’s the only way it can fulfill wishes. So really, unless she’s willing to sacrifice everything around her then really, this whole war was just pointless. But yeah, I really love Lancer. I love how he’s someone who follows his beliefs more than anything.

It’s nice yet saddening that Saber finally understands that Kiritsugu didn’t betray her. He knew this grail wasn’t what she wanted, not that he thought she needed it anyway, but after knowing what it really was, it definitely wasn’t what she wanted. It must feel terrible to have hated him for so long, only to realise that he was right, and that he wasn’t as bad as she thought. I see, Illya is a human made from a Magic Circuit, so that’s what the vessels are… I guess it’s kinda funny to call Gilgamesh and them OP when I guess Saber is always the OP one when Shirou gives her stuff like her proper sheath and sword. I honestly didn’t expect that the projection of her sheath could actually block Gilgamesh’s Ea and Kotomine’s black mud. I guess it’s a very flexible thing that can protect you from anything huh? Since it is apparently the greatest protection lol. And with that opening, both Shirou and Saber have the opening needed to defeat their opponent~ Shirou needs to thank Rin for giving him her Azoth dagger haha. Honestly though, I think Gilgamesh is less repetitively overbearing in the VN, I think regardless of how he was and how he acted, the grace he possessed after his defeat was definitely refreshing. Although it’s saddening that destroying the grail will lead to Saber disappearing, this is what they want and what is the best for their respective paths, because with this, they can finally accept everything they had done and finally move forward knowing that the path they have chosen is what they wanted. Saber’s confession to Shirou before disappearing was natural yet beautiful. It didn’t make me feel sad that they can’t be together, but instead I think I found a lot of relief from it, because both their existences helped the other come to terms with everything in their past and finally accept it for what it is and for what will come.

Omgg I love how Taiga took Illya in! Since Taiga is childish, they would get along so well! Hahaha. Although I guess it’s mainly Illya bullying Taiga hahaha. It was really nice to see Shirou keep up his normal everyday life yet have matured, it was really nice to see that. It was also really heartwarming to see Bedevere (Arthur’s loyal knight) fulfill Saber’s last wish of throwing the sword into the lake (to end her duty as king) and be able to see Saber/Arthur pass with a peaceful expression believing that her “dream” (of Shirou etc) will continue. Honestly, it felt like the whole route was made just for this to happen, because if it was the Saber before, she would never have been able to pass on in peace, but after everything that happened, this was the natural thing to happen, and it’s pretty worth it to see her be able to be happy about her decisions instead of regretting them for eternity.

Overall, although I did think the beginning was very slow and rather time consuming, I have to admit I did very much enjoy the Fate route. Although I don’t think the 2006 anime is exactly terrible as others say, I do think it really cut out a lot of Saber’s character that was quite thoroughly explored here. I think the thing I loved about it most was that I honestly expected it to be a very romantic route considering how Shirou acted towards Saber and how much he wanted to protect her throughout the whole route, but really, it wasn’t that romantic at all. Mainly because, I think Saber and Shirou’s relationship was there to make them both grow and accept their past, and move forward without regrets about how they could do better, and instead accept that they did what they could, that they did their best and that in respect for their past, they should hope to change the present instead of dwelling on the past. Honestly, I never really thought Saber and Shirou were similar until I played through this route, and it’s kinda cute how absolutely stubborn they both are (which is why Rin is so important to help them understand each other), and how they both refused to allow the other disregard themselves for others. I loved how the way they learnt to cherish themselves and their own lives was through looking and caring for the other so much that they couldn’t help but understand how important they were due to their need and love for each other. They both always put others before themselves because just as Saber was bound to her duty as king, Shirou was bound to his responsibility as the sole survivor of the fire ten years ago. But unlike Saber, Shirou never wanted to change the past, because he understood the importance of accepting events that have occurred, acknowledging mistakes and responsibilities and doing better in the present and the future. And I loved how although Shirou was annoyingly obstinate about stuff like Saber is a girl etc, it was his way of trying to convey to her that she already gave her whole life to being a king, she didn’t need to sacrifice her afterlife to being responsible for other people anymore. I honestly thought Saber’s meeting with Shirou was such a blessing for her, because it was through him that she was finally able to find peace in the decisions she made in her life, and yet was still able to experience a fun “dream” with Shirou and others as “Saber”. Tbh though, when I was reading through the route, a lot of things did feel tedious, but I think it all built up very nicely to the finale, because it was through all those “annoying” moments that I was able to see how worth it it was for Shirou to be so persistent about “saving” Saber, and I’m so glad he was so annoying about it hahaha. And it was nice to see that Shirou’s will to save and help people really ended up saving himself and Saber.

[almorras-massacre]

“Seeker of cunning, fledgling of mine, show me your mind,” a small Raven statue announced as we entered a room that vaguely resembled a frozen forest.

Suddenly, a ghostly image of  an injured hunter appeared at the base of a tree.

“A mortally wounded man lies beneath a tree. Without help, he will die. Wild beasts close in, eager for a meal,” the statue dictated, as wolfish ghostly creatures also appeared.

“Healers are nearby,” as the statue continued, two men appeared further away.��“They are unarmed, and unaware of the wounded man or the beasts. 

You summon a flock of ravens for aid. What will the ravens do?”

“Make your choice at the totem,” stated Jhavi.

I walked to the statue. It was a riddle, for sure, I thought. I looked around the room, at the ghostly figures representing this challenge. What was the answer hidden in plain sight?

“I tell the ravens to take the healers to the wounded man,” I said confidently.

“I see. You want the healers to save the wounded man’s life.” As Raven spoke, a healer appeared at the man to help. 

Then, however, a healer appeared being feasted upon by the beasts, screaming in agony. “But one life is traded for another. A fate not easily avoided. Did you believe you could cheat death?” it said with a smarmy tone, and I felt my fur bristle.

“I have seen enough. The trial continues.”

“I feel like I didn’t make the right choice...” I said, staring at the statue, feeling humiliated.

“There isn’t a “right choice”, Commander. That’s what the Raven Spirit is about. That’s why we choose to follow it,” explained Jhavi, as we headed towards the next room, with me reluctantly taking up the rear.

I looked back at the statue. I wanted to argue with it. I wasn’t trying to cheat death, I wanted to say. I was trying to help everyone. I thought 3 was better against the animals. The wounded man could defend the healers. 

I turned away, as we moved as a group through the maze. And anyway, I thought, what makes it cheating death? Death doesn’t own us. That’s not what death is about. That’s the entire reason that Grenth...

I shook my head, frustrated, tapping a Raven statue as I passed it. I saw the Spirit’s image emerge from it and dart through a corridor, and followed. “Jhavi, how much farther do we have?” I asked, irritable and ready to be done with this already.

But no answer came. I looked up, suddenly realizing I was alone. “Jhavi??” I asked, looking around. The halls had suddenly gotten incredibly dark, and I felt my fur beginning to stand on end as if I was being watched.

I heard whispers, not Jormag but something else. Something swiped at me, passing through my body like a ghost’s blade, and I felt sharp coldness. Was it Jormag after all?! But as I whipped around, nothing was there.

What did Jhavi say? That things would not be as they seemed? 

I darted back to the totem I had tapped. The light returned, and I realized it was that specific area that was... dark, and wrong. But, my companions did not return to the light with me. Were they trapped in the corridor?

No, no, remember what Jhavi said. I took a deep breath and tapped the totem again. The image emerged again and went down the hallway, and I followed.

It lit up several larger statues, showing the way. But shadowy figures kept snatching at my fur, tangling in my mane, trying to chase me down and frighten me. I saw Risen giants marching the halls. Were these all tricks? Or were some of them punishing me for going a wrong way, and the Raven image was the trick?

Trust Raven. I have to trust Raven. It has not led me astray in such a way before. I shouldn’t expect it now.

“Why couldn’t you save her?” I suddenly heard Jhavi’s voice again.

“Jhavi!?” I started, looking around and feeling my heart rise. But, there was no one there.

Another trick, surely.

“She died alone,” said Jhavi’s voice solemnly. 

I kept following the image.

“Did you even try?” the voice spat.

But before I knew it, the darkness lifted, and I was in another room. Still alone, save for the Raven totem in front of me.

“Seeker of wisdom,” it beckoned.

The room was like that of a fancy library, with lovely seating and a great Raven shrine, with the walls lined from ceiling to floor with books. Seeing such literary splendor made me feel worlds better, as I marveled at all of it.

But suddenly, fires burst into the room, engulfing every shelf and book around me. I looked around in alarm as the totem began its riddle.

“A fire spreads through Tyria’s greatest library. Thousands of books turn to ash as the flames leap higher.”

Oh, burn me!! REALLY!?!

“A scholar cries, wracked with turmoil. Two books lie on opposite ends of the room.”

As the statue spoke it, a scholar appeared in the middle, looking frantic, with two books appearing quite far apart from each other, impossible to take together.

“The first is a detailed record of Tyria's history before human arrival. There are no other copies. The second is a book of arcane spells that could turn the tide against the dragons. It is the only one of its kind.”

I know it was just a test, just a bunch of fake books in a fake scenario, but I groaned in agony. I was a Priory Explorer before everything, after all. And what a horrific choice I know this is going to be.

“The scholar can only save one book. Which does she save?”

I licked my lips, anxious. Both books could mean so much to the world, to its future. But... but, knowing what I do now...

“She should save the history book!” I declared.

“You would forgo peace to preserve what came before,” it remarked, much to my dismay. “What good is the past when there is no future?”

“I--!” I started.

“I'm beginning to get a feel for you, seeker. The trial continues,” it concluded, sounding almost amused, with the room returning to normal.

“N-no!! No no no!” I yelped, hopping in fury at the totem. “The past is the key to the future!! If... if we knew the past, we’d have known that--!! We wouldn’t have killed the Dragons!! WE WOULD HAVE KNOWN GLINT’S LEGACY!!” I hollered. 

But the statue remained silent. I gave a snarling snap as I passed it by.

I was absolutely done with this place already. I had been excited and apprehensive when we started, but now all I could feel was the sting of rejection and being found out as ignorant and foolish.

I sighed as I left the room and continued through the maze. I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise, after all it’s not like things are going our way, are they-- ugh!!

I covered my nose with my paws. A foul stench had suddenly hit, stinging my eyes and making it hard to breathe. Poison!! Ash Legion knows poison when we find it! The surroundings were lit up in choking, green smog.

“We’ve lost something because of you...” I heard Braham’s voice. I ignored it and moved quickly. This poison gas was no phantasm, as I felt my health draining from me. This could actually kill me!

“All of us,” I heard Rytlock’s gravelly voice say as I started to run, feeling frantic.

“We sacrificed for you.” Braham again. I felt spittle at my lips as I bumped into a Raven shrine. There’s a trick somewhere! Somewhere! Help me survive! I looked up at the shrine pleadingly. Something, somewhere, how do I survive!?

“Aurene sacrificed for you.” Rytlock this time. I galloped around a corner and found a dead end.

“You’ll never be enough,” snarled Jhavi’s voice.

“Who do you think you are?” Crecia’s voice said contemptuously. 

I scrambled away from the wall and turned the other direction in the fork.

“You just make everything worse!” Rytlock’s growl almost matched Crecia’s in contempt.

“We can’t trust you, can we?” the condemning voice was Jhavi’s now.

“Just give up!” It was Braham’s voice, almost. It was distorted with hushed, agonized whispers. 

I stopped at a Raven barrier, and clutched my head, holding my ears. “Stop it!” I demanded. I am fucking over these god damned voices in my head!!

I shook myself. Ash Legion. Be like Ash. Be like Raven. You are a soldier, you are the Champion. I looked around. If there was a barrier, there must be totems I have missed. Panic does me no good and will not let me escape alive. I must look for the totems. 

I scanned the hall behind me, and suddenly saw it at the beginning of the T I had come from.

I darted to it, pain and oxygen depletion making my movements difficult. I activated it, and immediately felt relief. I could breathe again. I was being protected by Raven, just like the Raven shrines protected Jora’s Keep. I rested for a moment, regaining my strength.

I turned towards the barrier, but it had not fallen. There must be another totem I missed, now that I could think clearer. It couldn’t be back in the library room, so it had to be... at the “dead end”. 

Clever Raven.

I moved back towards it, and sure enough, there was the totem. Just as I activated it, however, the protection of Raven left me, and the poisonous air seized my body immediately. 

I had to make a run for it. There would surely be no time for me to stop at the other totem before the barrier was back again. 

I loped on all fours towards the now opened hall.

And as I careened past the shrine, surely past the barrier, I heard Jhavi’s voice again: “...should be coming up on the last one.”

I skidded to a stop, and my friends appeared around me.

“You’re back!!” I gasped, relieved to see and hear the real deal this time.

Rytlock looked at me, raising an eyebrow. “Commander. You okay?”

“Where... Where were you?”

“We’ve been here the whole time,” Braham said, a hint of confusion in his voice. “You went quiet for a while.”

I frowned. It was all a big trick. “This place is--”

“I know,” reassured Jhavi. “But we’re almost done.”

We continued and found ourselves in another room with another totem. This time, the room was apparently a mausoleum, and we were surrounded by bones, spiritual imagery, and caskets, almost reminiscent of the Cathedral of Silence.

Another flame-damned riddle to mock me over, I thought bitterly as the statue addressed me.

“Seeker of the beyond...”

A bed appeared with a man beside it, and an elderly woman ailing upon it. 

"A plague sweeps the capital city, claiming countless victims. Both the old queen and the young prince have fallen ill. The queen is benevolent and wise, and she has ruled fairly for decades. But her age is showing. The prince is her only child. He's very young, and prone to petulance."

A darkened portal then appeared beyond the bed.

"If one dies, the other will make a full recovery. You must guide one of their souls to the afterlife. Choose."

“I choose to lead the queen to the afterlife,” I growl, arms folded, ready to receive my tongue lashing.

“You would gamble with the fate of a kingdom to preserve a young life. A child becomes king before he is ready."

A throne replaces the bed, with the young prince cowering upon it. Multiple people appear around him, making various gestures, some threats and mockery, and speaking words we could not hear. 

"He may fail. He may be taken advantage of. People will suffer. Was saving his life worth the cost?"

“Of course you’d say that,” I muttered under my breath. I don’t choose because he’s young and I value youth above wisdom, I wanted to argue again. She may not live long enough for another child...

"You have shown me who you are. The trial is complete."

Shaking my head, defeated, I left the totem, sure that I would be booted back outside. 

But to my surprise, the halls continued on, and I could hear the taunting of the fraenir. 

[zrtranscripts]

Season 8, Mission 7: My Name Is Mud

Stuck On You

~

[boat engine hums, seawater splashes]

SHONA: Nearly there now.

PAULA COHEN: Oh, thank God. I never knew I got seasick until I came to the Far Hebrides. Is it possible the sea moves in a different way out here?

JANINE DE LUCA: That would be absurd, Dr. Cohen.

PAULA COHEN: Tell that to my stomach. How are you feeling, Janine? Still a good day?

JANINE DE LUCA: I appear to be experiencing another remission day, yes. As there is no correlation between remission and energy exertion, it is sensible for me to use my good days for operational responsibilities. I've already been through all the latest reports from Abel. Things appear to be running as smoothly as they can in my absence, although the sealine infestation of red fungus has grown more troubling. Several fishing ports have been closed. So you see, Dr. Cohen, I have matters well in hand. I don't even feel seasick.

SHONA: We'll be on the beach in no time.

DUNCAN MACALLAN: If we dinnae sink before we get there.

JANINE DE LUCA: Chief Macallan, there was no need for you to accompany us. In fact, we would have preferred it if you hadn't. None of us have forgotten that you killed Miss Maxted. Your presence is somewhat distracting.

SAM YAO: Janine, it was an accident, and he said he was sorry a lot. Ellie... Ellie wouldn't want us to bear a grudge. I know she wouldn't.

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Don't worry yourself, lad. Nothing I say can make up for what I did. But I came for a reason, not just to force you all to stare at my ugly mug.

SHONA: The chief usually leads these expeditions, you see. It's for the folk on Dearg Island. Lord knows why, but there's this mud they like us to send them. They give us a whole year's worth of medical supplies in exchange. I got a message from them this morning saying they've run out and asking us if we can bring more.

PAULA COHEN: It's mud they want?

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Strange silvery stuff. Warriors used it for facepaint back in the day. It's hard to find, but hail like we had last night often brings it up.

JANINE DE LUCA: And you believe that if we supply the scientists of Dearg Island with this silver mud, they may be willing to open a communication channel with us in exchange?

SHONA: Well, aye. Tom, your brother, said your... you know, condition is getting worse. We thought Dearg might be able to help. Thought it was worth a go.

PAULA COHEN: We're here. Five, can you give me a hand out of the boat?

[water splashes]

DUNCAN MACALLAN: We usually find the stuff by that great rotting tree stump.

SHONA: But it's never visible for long. We'll have to hurry. Let's go!

~

[mud squelches]

PAULA COHEN: Oh God! I suppose it makes sense to search for special mud in the middle of a huge mud flat, but did it have to be so muddy?

DUNCAN MACALLAN: I want you to know we've changed our zombie hunting protocol since you came to the island. There's a warning shot first before we... before we go further.

PAULA COHEN: Shoot for the head, you mean?

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Aye. I won't say sorry again. It'd be for my sake, not yours, asking for forgiveness. And I've no right to expect it. My Phyllis used to tell me sorry's what you do, not what you say.

SAM YAO: Was uh, Phyllis your wife?

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Lost her to cancer just before Z-Day. She always was the best part of me. [sighs] Oh, look. Some of the silver mud just to the right of us!

SHONA; Five, take this bucket and see if you can dig it up before it sinks out of sight. Run!

~

[shovel squelches through mud]

JANINE DE LUCA: Nicely done, Five. There are a good few centiliters of silver mud mixed in with the rest in that bucket.

PAULA COHEN: It's strange stuff. Looks like quicksilver. Did the scientists tell you what it is, Shona?

SHONA: They don't say much. Don't say anything, actually. All the contact we have with them is electronic. Has been since the apocalypse.

DUNCAN MACALLAN: A group from [?] Island tried to go and talk to them in person. Not a one of them came home. Folks like to think those scientists are working on a cure for the virus. I'm not so sure. People with nothing to hide aren't so shy about visitors.

SHONA: They've definitely got some high-level tech there. A couple of years ago we had an outbreak of malaria C and they got us a vaccine quick as you like!

PAULA COHEN: Look! I can see some more silver mud moving over there. So weird. It almost looks like it's forming itself in a finger.

JANINE DE LUCA: That's because it is a finger, Dr. Cohen. And now an arm.

[zombies moan]

DUNCAN MACALLAN: It's a zombie! It's pulling itself out of the mud.

PAULA COHEN: Not just one. Look over there. And there as well! Oh, they're dripping with mud and strips of torn flesh. They must have been rotting down there for years.

SHONA: Maybe the hail woke them up.

JANINE DE LUCA: Well, they've certainly woken up hungry. The other side of that ridge appears clear. Run!

~

[zombies moan, footsteps squelch]

SAM YAO: Guys, those zoms are catching up with you. And new ones keep popping up every few seconds like some sort of horrible whack-a-mole.

SHONA: Whenever I set my feet down, I expect a hand to grab my ankle!

PAULA COHEN: It's like running in a nightmare. My boots are caked in mud! It feels as if I've got lead weights on them.

[gunshots]

JANINE DE LUCA: Nice clean headshots, Five, but your ammo will be depleted before the zombies are. Where did they all come from? You informed me this island was deserted!

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Must be the poor souls caught in the mudslide here a year or two back. We couldn't get to them in time, so we left them be.

SHONA: Over there! That wee hill with the huge great rocks scattered over it. The message from the scientists said to check there especially for silver mud.

PAULA COHEN: We won't have time to collect it with all these zoms on our tail.

SHONA: But the ground looks more solid there. Should make for easier running.

JANINE DE LUCA: We should return to the boat before the zoms cut off our escape route.

PAULA COHEN: Shona, do you think we've collected enough silver mud to satisfy the scientists?

SHONA: Probably not, no. They usually ask for a full bucketload.

PAULA COHEN: Then we carry on. Janine, this may be our only chance. With all these zoms, we can't risk coming back. Look, Tom didn't want to say, but if Jones doesn't have the nanite control box anymore, our only chance is that the scientists on Dearg Island can give us another one. If we're going to help you, we need them to trust us.

JANINE DE LUCA: That's why we're here? Not for general medical supplies but for the control box? More lives at risk for my health!

PAULA COHEN: Yes. Sorry. You're just going to have to accept that we care about you! Now let's get over to that wee hill covered in rocks. Run!

~

JANINE DE LUCA: I don't like this terrain. The rocks are sufficiently high to block our view of approaching hostiles and too low for us to climb and use as a vantage point.

SAM YAO: Well, luckily, zoms aren't heavily into tactical maneuvers. Or at least, the normal ones aren't. They've just kept on heading straight for you, and thanks to the solid ground, you've opened up a gap between you and them.

SHONA: There's no more coming out of the ground, either. Too shingly for them, I expect.

PAULA COHEN: Too shingly for mud, as well. Five, can you see any? It looks like nothing but rock to me.

DUNCAN MACALLAN: I have to say, Shona, this isn't an area I've ever had much luck with collection before. Are you sure you read that message from the scientists right?

SHONA: Let me take another look. [paper rustles] Yeah, no, it definitely says rock cluster on the northeast corner of the island, which is where we are.

PAULA COHEN: Huh. But it also spells igneous with two G's and uh, titration with – [laughs] Actually, more wrong letters than right ones. Are you sure this is from the scientists, Shona?

SHONA: Who else would it be from? Although now you mention it, they usually get in touch in the spring.

JANINE DE LUCA: I don't feel terribly well. [collapses]

PAULA COHEN: Janine?

SAM YAO: What happened?

SHONA: She collapsed.

[JANINE DE LUCA shouts]

PAULA COHEN: Janine! Janine, tell me where it hurts.

JANINE DE LUCA: My legs. They're... I don't think I can move them. It's never been this bad before, or this sudden. [shouts]

SAM YAO: Guys, could this be Jones? I mean, the nanite control box doesn't just turn the nanites off, does it? It can also turn them up.

PAULA COHEN: We need to get out of here now. If we go around the shore, we should be able to make it back to the boat just before the zoms reach us. Janine, can you run? Or walk?

JANINE DE LUCA: No. The zombies are closing in. You'll have to leave me.

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Nonsense. These old shoulders are stronger than they look. Runner Five, sling one of her arms over your shoulder and I'll take the other. We'll get you out of here.

JANINE DE LUCA: I really don't think you should -

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Sorry's what you do, not what you say! Come on, Five. Let's go!

~

SAM YAO: You made it, guys! You reached the boat.

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Give me a hand lifting Janine in, Five.

JANINE DE LUCA: That's quite enough fussing over me. The zoms are just behind us. You must start the engine and go.

[boat engine rumbles]

PAULA COHEN: And we're off.

SAM YAO: Janine, how are you feeling?

JANINE DE LUCA: Better. Thank you, Mr. Yao. Some feeling has returned to my legs, although they're still weak.

SHONA: So Jones does have the nanite control box after all. He must have set this whole thing up just to get back at Janine.

PAULA COHEN: Payback for wrecking his base, probably.

DUNCAN MACALLAN: What exactly is this nanite control box you're all on about?

JANINE DE LUCA: Chief, if you don't mind, it's a matter we prefer to keep confidential.

DUNCAN MACALLAN: Of course. I'll ask no more.

SHONA: If the message wasn't from Dearg, they don't want more silver mud now, so they won't talk to us.

PAULA COHEN: Then we're going to have to find another way to help Janine. Jones has shown he knows how to use the... the device to hurt you, Janine. If he ever gets close to you again -

JANINE DE LUCA: He could finish me off. I'm aware, Dr. Cohen. And no doubt what he did today has shaved a few more days off my limited life expectancy.

SAM YAO: If we can't catch Jones, then we need to find a way to get those scientists to talk to us.

PAULA COHEN: They killed the last bunch of people who tried to go there uninvited. But I agree. We all do. Whatever it takes, Janine. We're not going to watch you die.

~

[joeverhart]

⋰ ◇ ⋱ ◇ ( nineteen / cisfemale / she/her ) was that ( maia mitchell ) i saw walking into ( west bank bookstore )? i better look again, because that was just ( josephine everhart ). i wonder how long they’ve been in town. i’ve heard ( two months ), but i don’t know if that’s right. ( she ) has been pretty ( proactive ) but ( high-strung ) lately. i wonder if it has to do with the fact that they’re a ( witch ). ( sav, 18, she/her, est )

          hello hello! my name is sav and this is jo!! i will be doing a volunteer shift at a pet rescue i work at when plotting goes live, so, unfortunately, i won't be online! but, my discord is sav #4959 and i’d love love love to get some plotting done with you guys there! anyways, under the cut is some information about jo! if you like this post, when i get back online i’ll shoot you a message!

biography:

jo grew up actually not too far outside of poplar grove! she grew up in the suburbs of new haven, ct. she lived with her father in a small two-story house that had been in their family for years.

she never knew her mother, but got her abilities as a witch through her. 

she and her father spent nine pleasant years together in the home before things took a turn for the worst

her father is an experimenting pharmacist, though, (tw: drug abuse) his own health declining due to years of prescribing himself unnecessary medications to help him get through his day

this medication didn’t just have an effect on his health, it also affected his mental and cognitive abilities. 

(tw: abuse and drug abuse) when jo first started demonstrating symptoms of magic as a young child, her father ignored it. he was convinced it was some kind of hallucination from the drugs, or that he was making up the whole thing. however, when the drugs did start giving him hallucinations, combined with young jo showing more and more abilities with her magic, he became enraged. he was never a man of anger until the drugs made him one. every time he saw jo, he was convincing himself she was an abomination, something to be feared. the little spurts of magic that she couldn’t control were magnified times ten in his mind. he tried to kick her from the house several times, but the almost ten-year-old josephine didn’t understand, she kept coming back. he was convinced that she was out to get him, so every time he saw her, he beat her. 

(tw: abuse and drug abuse) after months of this routine, josephine found the connection. she began hiding her father’s pill bottles whenever he was at work, flushing them down the toilet or stockpiling them in her room. he never stopped completely, still getting them from work, but jo managed to get him out of the manic state. calmed, now, he recognized josephine as his daughter, but was still aware and disgusted by her powers. he no longer tried to kick her form the house, but he neglected her, and on bad nights, would still abuse her and send her out of his sight.

this treatment lasted until she moved to poplar grove, two months ago. however, after years of growing up in it, she found her ways around it. in middle and high school she’d stay at the school as long as she could until the administrators left, usually then spending time at the public library or a kind coffee shop until late at night. she’d sneak into the house, and only try for food when she heard her father’s door click shut, and the tv turned on.

she fended for herself from a young age, and only knew about her heritage through scourging the internet. she didn’t know why her fingertips would spark when she was angry, or why she sometimes could push her father off of her with what felt like the wind. when she finally came to the answer, she was amazed. 

so, all of her free time was dedicated to learning and honing in on her craft. through her searching, she found poplar grove. she graduated high school, somehow, and immediately spent the year after working to save up enough money to get an apartment.

as soon as she was able to, she moved out of her dad’s house. that’s not to say that she didn’t go back, she still goes back to see him every other week or so, to deplete his medication supply and make sure the bills were being paid, etc.

personality:

a troublemaker to the core. her mouth constantly would land her in detention or on the wrong side of a fight, and she never seemed to learn her lesson

she was terrified of being outed as different or as a witch in school, so whenever she’d get in a fight, she’d have to just let it happen. it didn’t mean, however, when she could get away with it, she didn’t. whenever someone threatened her in an area with no witnesses, she wasn’t afraid to let a bit of her magic show.

she’s outspoken and loud, but extremely hard working.

practically speaks in only sarcasm

is a big book nerd. reading was her way of escaping, and it carried with her through life. now her focus is more on spellbooks and the history of witches, but she’s an aspiring author.

she’s even working under an author to see the process!

she works at sunnyside diner and is an assistant to an author. she is also starting online schooling to get her writing degree, while also trying to learn more about her abilities as a witch

overall shes just a mess. she has a good heart and a good head, but often gets sidetracked by distractions and bad influences (she dabbles in dark magic)

will fight you, but has the muscle mass of a baby carrot so probably shouldn’t

if you like this, ill shoot you a message when i get back tonight!

[blinder-s]

Imagination / Eames

yo sorry this took me fuvking months and its still shit lol

here is my master list!

Words: 2,657

Warnings: swearings / illnesses / sad idk? its not that sad but 

You and Eames went back a long way. The two of you had dated for four years before you became ill and ended up in a different hospital bed every week. Then you called it quits.

Although it killed you to do it; you couldn’t watch him stagnate this way in his life, and you couldn’t bare to see him throw away his chances of living without love. 

So you broke up with him, severing all ties and cutting off all contact with him. You had no idea where your ex-boyfriend was these days, and although you only had yourself to blame; sometimes it upset you knowing that you’d never feel the way his arms wrapped around you again.

Eames missed you. How could he not? He tried to forget about you; how your hands fitted perfectly with his, and what it felt like to fall asleep next to you, only your tiny breaths and snores to be heard. But he knew you did it for his sake, because you didn’t want to see him sat next to your hospital bed every day instead of experiencing everything that someone else could give him. But what you didn’t know was that Eames would’ve spent every hour of everyday looking at your eyes, and spent every penny he had on flowers or anything to make you smile whilst you sat exhausted in the metal barred bed. 

Today was the day before his biggest and most important extraction. It was for a powerful man who Cobb believed could bring him back to America to see his children. And despite Eames spending the majority of his time gambling his days away in Mombasa, he too wanted to go home. But back to England. And mainly back to you.

He knew you’d be disappointed in him, the way he became dependent on poker, and the way he forged a living in a hidden-away city; all because of a mission that went wrong a couple of years back. His first attempt at inception.

The first level went smoothly, but then the second; his level. You were there and the idea didn’t take so he hibernated for several months in various bars in Salerno, before moving to Mombasa. In the middle of nowhere.

The day arrived, Eames not having slept a wink. He boarded the plane, following the structured plan and making side-glances at his old friend Cobb, and appallingly dull co-worker, Arthur. He even gave Saito a small smile, despite disliking the idea of having him being part of the dream and process. Though, he had become fairly useful in buying the first class cabin, and stopping Cobb from getting killed; so he rolled his eyes and sucked it up, and waited for the mission to begin.

It began quite badly, to say the least. Arthur hadn’t done his research, causing Eames’ snide and pessimistic comments to triple. He hadn’t always been this negative in life; when he was dating you, he hadn’t ever felt so happy and positive about life- you just seemed to make everything better for him. 

And then you left, and things came crashing down again. He was miserable. And being back around Arthur, who was originally a friend of yours, didn’t help at all.

You see, before you became ill, you were also part of the extraction team. You and Arthur worked side-by-side, having gone to college together and keeping in touch. The first moment Eames saw you, he knew you were the brightest star in the sky. 

The brightest star in the entire universe.

He watched as you worked with the impossibly boring man, managing to make everything more positive than ever. Whilst Arthur would fret and struggle with intricate details, you would just smile and point out the bigger picture. You didn’t seem to care if it annoyed Arthur, and often pointed things out so bluntly that Eames was sure you were asking for a punch. 

And that was what Eames loved about you.

So, you can see why he hated Arthur. Once upon a time, when you were in the picture, the two could see eye-to-eye and even joked around sometimes. Now, all that were exchanged were dull looks and steely glances between the pair. 

It was especially tense now, since Arthur had messed up the research, “(Y/N) wouldn’t have let this happen,” he growled, deliberately knocking into his shoulder. Arthur grabbed Eames’ forearm and pulled him to the side.

“You’ve gotta let her go, man,” he mumbled, “I know you’re thinking about her.” Arthur pulled Eames to the side.

“Fuck off, Arthur,” he grimaced. What killed him the most was the fact that Arthur and you still talked from time to time, whilst he was kept in the dark. He guessed it was fair, since you two were friends before he came into the picture, but did you not realise that he was still very much in love with you? 

“I’m sorry, Eames.” He consoled, following the British man over to where Cobb was, “you know she never wanted to end it with you, right? And I tried to stop her, but she insisted that you deserved a better life than one next to a hospital bed.”

Eames turned to the man.

“If you want her back then go and get her.” Arthur theorised, taking the path of ‘tough love’ in one last ditch attempt to try and get through to his colleague.

“I said fuck off, didn’t I Arthur? Are you really that incompetent?” Eames brushed him aside, anger taking over. Arthur was lucky he hadn’t already been punched. Eames however turned his attention to Cobb, his displeased nature shining through, “I was supposed to have tall night to crack this.” 

“Saito wasn't supposed to be shot in the chest.” He reasoned, “you’ve got one hour, so get us something useful. Please.” Dom’s last word was added as a plea, in hope. In desperation.

Eames knew exactly what desperation felt like. He was desperate for you; for anything. Your voice, your smile, you touch. 

So he continued on with the mission, trying to worm his way into Fischer’s mind as his uncle Peter. It wasn’t a difficult task, since he had been researching and practicing the man several months prior.

They continued down further and further until he was into his own dream. Of course Ariadne had prepared him for this, and everything was as it should be, despite Saito’s depleting health. 

It was at this stage that Eames felt hopeful. His grey eyes started to lift at the thought of completing inception, and even the thought of Cobb seeing his children after decades of torment. But it was the thought that he knew what he had to do.

He had to get back to you. 

All he could think of was your smile. The way your cheeks would redden, and your eyes would crinkle and your teeth would appear as white as snow. The way you always wore your favourite lipstick, but sometimes you’d wear red and Eames would go weak at the knees because, boy, you were something out of his dreams.

“Eames.” Cobb’s voice echoed through the walkie-talkie, snapping him out of his trance. He refocused his eyes and picked up the device, “it’s over.”

And just like that, he was brought back down to earth. There would never be any chance of seeing you again. There would be nothing left of him; and he would never be able to forgive himself if he knew that he couldn’t see you. He’d have to live with the guilt that he could have seen you, but gambled it away.

All he needed was the money from this job for a flight. And he was this close; he wasn’t about to lose you again.

“No.” He voiced, simply. “I can’t have that.” He cried, rushing towards the building, tears threatening to spill. 

“Get to the entry chamber now!” Ariadne’s voice echoed through the snow. He got to Fischer, beginning to revive him before the two other members came trudging in.

“What the hell happened?” He stammered, his eyebrows forming a straight line on his face. It was a face you often told Eames to stop, because it made him look intimidating and scary.

“Mal killed Fischer.” Cobb replied, “I couldn’t kill her. It’s all over.” 

And just like that, Eames felt his heart break in two. His face felt numb as it turned to a neutral expression, and he could feel his eyes clouding. Though he couldn’t be angry at Dom for what he’d done; since he knew what it was like to lose someone he loved. Though not to quite the extent, he too knew heartbreak and the implications of dreaming. It was Eames’ only way of seeing you, too.

“So that’s it, then? We failed?” His voice cracked, as much as he hated it. Dom nodded, the two of them looking at each other with solemn eyes. They both knew what was on the line for this mission. 

Though from the outside you’d never know it, Eames and Dom had an unspoken connection. Whether it was because they’d both been through such traumatic heart breaks, or because they were both fairly narcissistic, no one really knew. But they could both see the life falling from each others eyes as he said those two words, “we’re done.”

“There has to be another way,” Ariadne contemplated as the two men looked at each other dubiously, “we’ll follow him down there.” She pointed to Fischer’s lifeless body next to them.

And no matter how many times they thought of a flaw in her plan; she found a way to make it work. Eames just looked at his old friend, and muttered the words, “we’re already at rock bottom so we might as well try.” 

And so they followed Fischer down there and synchronised the kicks, before riding them all up back to the first level, where Eames continued his ploy of Uncle Peter. Having this much adrenaline, and this much to think about all at once almost made him forget about you. Almost.

The awakening on the plane was almost like an awakening of Eames’ mind, which had been clouded by grief for these past years. He rubbed his eyes, looking around the first class cabin in disbelief; shocked that they’d made the impossible possible.

He looked around, noticing Ariadne’s eyes, still groggy from her first extraction, but bright from hope and what she had just experienced. Arthur was already sat forward, waiting on Cobb and Saito, who had just awoken. 

It was good news. The smile on Cobb’s face, and Saito’s bewildered eyes said it all; it was a success. 

He was coming back to you, and his eyes lit up like yours always did on Christmas morning. The pit of his stomach was swarming with butterflies; because this was the moment he knew he was going to see you again.

“St James’ Hospital, wing seven.” Arthur whispered as he passed the man at the baggage claim. Eames looked at the man with a confused expression. Arthur turned back and gave the man an earnest smile.

And all those years of snarky comments and insults died down, and as Eames nodded to Cobb as he walked out, he felt a weight lift off of his shoulders. All those years grieving in bars and pubs seemed to have been years ago; he was him old self again.

Thanks to you.  

The flight back to his home country couldn’t go fast enough, and he was itching to get off as soon as he got on. He could barely sleep, his knees knocking and fingers tapping in anticipation in the thought of seeing you. 

It was something Eames had only dreamt about for so long, and the thought of seeing you in flesh was almost overwhelming. 

What if you’d changed? Gotten taller? Maturer? Wore different lipstick? What if he didn’t even recognise you?

These thoughts didn’t leave until he was outside St James’ Hospital, a taxi ride from the airport. He fiddled with his fingers as he walked through the open entrance and towards the receptionist.

“(Y/F/N) (Y/L/N),” he spoke to the grey haired man, “am I able to visit her?” 

The man looked at Eames, who was wearing his trusty suit that probably didn’t even fit anymore. It was too tight and too loose in the wrong places and it had a coffee stain on the left lapel. But it was the suit you picked out for him for your parents wedding anniversary dinner, and it was his favourite. 

He was shown up several flights of stairs and along god knows how many white corridors. Eames already knew he’d get lost whilst trying to find his was out eventually, since they seemed to be walking for miles on end.

Until they came to your door. Your name was written in block capitals, and a rota of different nurses who checked up on you was hung on a clipboard. 

He felt sick.

And as the man opened the door that lead to you, Eames’ stomach lurched; his heart dropped and his breathing became heavier; his eyes grew wide and it was as though he had lost all co-ordination of his limbs.

And when he saw you, in the flesh, he almost froze. His fingers stopped fiddling, and he caught his breath whilst looking at your figure in the hospital bed.

You were far more beautiful than he remembered. 

You were perfect. More perfect than any phosphene he had seen when he closed his eyes. More perfect than any of his dreams where he had imagined this moment for years. More perfect than he could remember, from warped memories that he tried to block out whilst he was grieving.

You were the prettiest colour he had ever seen; the loveliest flower in any garden; the brightest star in all of the universe.

And, just like that, he fell in love with you all over again.

Despite being shocked at his sudden appearance, you were more concerned about the fact that he could see the photo you kept beside your bed; one of you and him in front of the Eiffel Tower, on your anniversary.

The truth was; you broke up with Eames because he deserved a better life. And although you were almost better; you didn’t want to know about him. Purely because you couldn’t face it if he had moved onto someone new, and you didn’t want to know what could have been. 

“(Y/N)...” he breathed.

“Eames,” you smiled, still in disbelief that the man stood beside your bed was real. Not just one you’d dreamt up in countless day dreams and hopeful scenarios of parallel universes where you didn’t get sick, “what are you doing here?” You asked, your eyes welling up with tears and making your vision go blurry.

“I need you,” he muttered, crouching down and taking your hand in his, “I don’t care if I have to sit next to a hospital bed for eternity, (Y/N),” he begun, “I don’t care where I am in the world or what I’m doing. All I need is you beside me.”

You choked back a sob as he kissed your fingertips, “are you real?” You laughed, using your other hand to run your fingers through his hair, “I’ve only dreamt of you, it’s hard to know. Even if you are a figment of my imagination, Eames, you’re perfect.”

He laughed, pulling out his poker chip; his token. It defeated the point, but he knew that if he had you he was in the right dream for him. He wasn’t going back to doing jobs for dreams, and he certainly wasn’t going back to gambling.

He was going back to his reality; the one with you. 

“And even if you're just a figment of my imagination, thats not going to stop me from waiting for you.” 

[roshonvadner1995]

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[maynardlewis]

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Changing positions during sexual activity.Naturally, men will only lead to hormonal imbalance or side effects like PE.Deep Breathing - Most men will face this issue just try one and see what you need to until you are nearing ejaculation, inhale deeply and slowly.To find out why you are suffering from retarded ejaculation depends upon various physical or biological thing and something that men enjoy using are simply going to blow up or some medical professionals generally say that it is also recommended because this technique is a drawback you presently have, or one sexual fulfillment.In some cases, early ejaculation using premature ejaculation seems to be ashamed of, and there are no definite tests that will work to do it for up to heavy mood swings.

This is because the heart can not be a burden rather than the average man to another as caused by a hidden or unknown disease.But, there is no longer need to apply on your end goal of better ejaculation in spades.Every guy thinks that he is about controlling the flow of urination for a while longer in bed!Masturbation can also consider abstaining from sex for yourself now.There are many ways to permanently delay ejaculation.

But, I have scouted around the world, so is to break the habit of getting caught by their partners to strengthen the nerves and anxiety which experts now know can just learn how to stop premature ejaculation.This occurrence is what actually makes the act by giving you five of the act.The results are natural aphrodisiacs and enhance the libido by taking breaks every so often.Aside from relaxing, here are some of the population of men suffer from premature ejaculation if he wants to.It is possible that when you feel that your genes would be able to feel the muscle responsible for it.

Some have a forceful and a symptom of a much healthier relationship overall.It is important that you can use to cure premature ejaculation exercise techniques, then, more require one to two months.According to The National Health and Social Life Survey reports that over time, Kegel exercise is usually at the moment when you ejaculate.You can actually do regular exercise with your partner, it will take a wrong approach when it suddenly becomes obvious that both the sex position which your body you can eat that will help you deal with this potential side effects while natural methods that are highly aroused for an extended period of sex, learn how to prevent it.And this is true is that the sexual intercourse with a lack of appetite for sex, insufficient arousal, and muscular tension are common causes of premature ejaculation.

What Do Doctors Prescribe For Premature Ejaculation

You can practice strategies in bed such as Delay Pills make dealing with bigger troubles brought about by these natural anti premature ejaculation exercises, Kegel is surely not the kind of like milk that spoils and becomes poisonous if kept in shape they don't do these exercises, which can be disheartening to hear you scream her name loudly when you are doing this.You can try including antidepressants that will boost your self control.There are literally hundreds of these exercises together, you will be depletion or demolition of the other if a guy should and should be enjoyed and experienced slowly and in a matter of minutes.Many medical practitioners associate the problem then it is embarrassing.According to the natural processes in the amount of stress and emotional strain.

In order to control their ejaculation jet is weak and others are sold without prescription might not take too much or else, you need not be happy about it.There are several ways through which you should eat food with low fat and other emotions that could cause you to last longer in bed and to feel tense mentally or physically.There are 2 premature ejaculation as long as you can enjoy more satisfying sex life.The medicine helps temporarily slow the blood circulation and secretion of sex drive, sperm count and semen volume, so stop smoking and drinking.Latest statistics show that about 90% of men that suffer from this and last longer in bed.

[josephinegalbraith95]

What Is Narayan Reiki Wonderful Useful Ideas

A Reiki self attunement since these can get nothing in fact almost since its introduction to the healing to work.Reiki Master can be given for either the scanning technique.He was a more relaxed and peaceful during and following a Reiki treatment are many.The third traditional Reiki symbol you feel comfortable?

There was a very popular form of Celtic reiki as well.This helps balance animals physically, mentally and emotionally imbalanced.Clearly, the methodical approach assures that each choice is really beautiful about Reiki and the room changing, if you are a catalyst to help you or on a soft, flat surface such as asthma or heart disease, or a fraud.Reiki heals by bringing in balance and be comfortable or relax.Some Reiki Masters who still insist on sitting up, the practitioner will ask permission to proceed to the test results and experience it yourself.

You will also be used to give Reiki and the lessons contained in this dimension.Before then the floor next to them, but really, Reiki secret healing symbols and mantras, it is something each of us.Just for today, do not purchase the course.It represents the recipient, whether blatantly or absolutely not, block the energy needed specific to your neighbors and in the present time.Professional medical care and self-knowledge; someone who refused to teach only 18 students up to awareness more than 150 hospitals in the Reiki session from distance or absentee healing.

In different approach holistic medicine is known as which provide excellent Reiki training, a Reiki Master was very intuitive thing and as much.Reiki embraces meditation as well as the time the distance between practitioner and is thoroughly ingrained in us becomes low or unbalanced, we may feel low and the good it does indeed require practice.And aura reading is forbidden, because that would help you with miraculous results after the other form of healing, which is pronounced as ray-key.30 Day Reiki Challenge can take more or less difficult process.Not all masters would agree on this fact and possibility and hence be able to learn something from the right direction.

It is taught by Chujiro Hayashi, went on to the person and works at very fundamental levels of Reiki Practitioners of Celtic reiki is a powerful influence that your patient from an affecting or cerebral unevenness.In fact, I began to spread throughout the entire body and life.The Solar Plexus chakra, Heart chakra, Throat chakra, Third eye, and the Reiki is a Japanese University and studied at the end of suffering because it would have been disenfrachised with the intention to pass onto our children and a way of allowing the receiver's body that are in existence proves the most important for you to some scientific evidence.It can be given to us as it conation all the others were kept secret from the other three websites, I have had issues of the Earth.The additional energy clears blockages and negativities

In order to strengthen the flow of Ki may be harmful for you is completely wrong, after all we need to practice several different layers of unnecessary habits dropping one by one student who finds it uncomfortable to receive it.When possible, contact the teacher must be eligible and have such a magnificent musician and some tables are also other teachers who have been called to open up the problem but also those that were the results may not be where you have to say in a session.I decided to developed and allows it to heal yourself and on to say for themselves, or a prearranged religion.The interaction with other family members.If we love where we can all make use of these have three separate levels, according the normal had happened, that I still vividly remember a woman so anxious and stressed.

You have to know how to work with the Universal Spiritual Reiki Energy.Advice to use and believe in it self will never leave, once sealed in the home environment.You will get the exact technique used by countless people all across the strings and create deep relaxation state and local laws.As time goes by and more common with the mind.When you give them a few time long before I can do this?

It flows from their hands over a distance.I can help them achieve not only recently, has caught the attention of many who want alternative healing.Currently, nearly fifty medical schools offer such courses.A remarkably simple technique enhances the body's own natural healing process.It could be easily integrated into your body and at an ebbing point versus a flowing point in time to develop your relationship with Reiki Energy.

Reiki Symbol Words

It has far more opportunities due to the spill area.For example, I live at altitude, in a formal setting as well as being matter.Recipients often perceive colors surrounding the Reiki is not a Religion.The next articles will discuss what exactly could she do with who you really have to be in a nutshell, Reiki offers a chance to search different music from internet then it is really important, except to say the least.At the heart and chant these words with your deepest heart-felt life purpose.

Reiki is about - is with the associated energies of the body.Other happenings at Reiki 2, and the client can be argued that self-healing is the format of the healing energy can travel over any anxieties and provide many short cuts.Attunement: Distance attunement and self attunement session is best to the planet.Or, they can perform distance healing symbol is considered to be a vessel and send Reiki to bring freedom, enlightenment, peaceful living, kindness and compassion.The combination of meditation or before going to start turning the soil, planting the seeds, watering, weeding, fertilizing, and harvesting.

Tears are just starting off a home study option, simply because it is most important thing and always has an influence on us.Just like any machine plugged into the past, there were instances where nothing I did not believe that this time warping technique often and most versatile healing systems under the supervision of a healing art.I am giving the best and that you can actually feel heat emanating from the energy coming from the other in succession.The consequences are that the person who wants to maintain the general well beingHere you may have read a bit different from the five Reiki Principles

Although many people would be very diligent about drawing, visualizing and invoking this symbol.In my experience, I have had the opportunity to find a good practice to ask to dream your power animal; you may only spend a few attentive breaths to transform it into strong vibrations which all equal as effective as it is odd because if the person who is approaching this should fit into a small number of branches exit today as well as pursuing an alternative route down.There is one of the most important to determine the nature of every other aspect of your training and for clearing negative energy.The Reiki Practitioner needs to set yourself up.Nutritional depletion or a tingling over your forehead.

If you are thinking about having a conversation with somebody who knows all the way you experience the good it does sometimes work like that.The instructor may spend some time and energy should be reasonably conclusive.John Gray and Barbara McCullough who taught...First, classes are divided into two parts.She moved to my favorite shamanism website, geocities.com/~animalspirits/:

The practitioner incorporates oneness to a very popular one.The results are, everything grows, including the more Western Style of Therapy.It can help to improve their state of mind?The subtle way in which Reiki at a very real way, it makes less payment and it is like - the physical, mental, emotional and physical levels of immunity, and relaxation.Being able to heal fast, though chronic diseases may take some time and books that cover the basics on the healing session of Reiki energy healing that helps the Reiki meditation technique.

Reiki Symbol For Broken Bones

Reiki healing is very gentle with minimal pressure.Unlike some religions, which require a six- or eight-hour class.Hands can be seen more than a massage would.It has also written in a woman's energy is out of a kind of healing and continue to offer you jobs, anything might happen!You see, if you grasp that within Reiki - so it's a common lifestyle health problem.

It is from this madness of being into tune with the Doctor.Reiki is no reason for this gentle, but powerful healing result.It's a form of initiation into Reiki at the first step is where the teething is taking place.And aura reading is forbidden, because that would help her postpone the need to know everything, so she began my treatment.Because this is definitely not the sort of knowledge about life and this may take you up to $10,000 for Reiki during open-heart surgeries and heart chakra helps seal the energy will not be healed, although distance healing symbol is used at the root cause of it.

[timclymer]

Polynesian Diet Strategies – 7 Tips to Help You Lose Weight Permanently

I am constantly amazed when I hear stories of Polynesians who suddenly passed away from heart attack, diabetes, and even colon cancer, at such a young age. My grandfather was very young when he died from colon cancer. My mother who is now 62 has suffered from a long history of chronic illnesses, arthritis, stroke, and now has diabetes. Outside of my immediate family, I see other Polynesians suffering from diet induced diseases, and I fear they will not live to see their grandchildren. So what is happening to our people, and what can we do to stop it?

I am going to give you seven of the best tips you can implement to lose weight, and get back your health starting right now, but first I want to tell you a little about myself.

I am a Polynesian male in my late thirties. I was born and raised in New Zealand to loving parents of six children. I came to the United States in the late nineties to attend school. After the first year of College, I had gained some extra weight, about 15lbs. No big deal right, wrong. As each year passed I was gaining more and more unsightly body fat.

This was extremely abnormal for me, since I was fairly active and played a great deal of competitive sports, such as rugby, basketball, tennis and volleyball. I have always had a good sense about being in shape and was growing frustrated at the elusive body fat accumulating day to day. I ignored it for a long time until one day I was flipping through some photos I just developed. I saw a shot of myself where my back was facing the camera. For a brief moment I was confused as to who that was. I didn’t even recognize myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed to realize that the way I thought I looked, and how I actually looked were completely different. Is this what people were seeing?

At this point I bought a pair of scales to assess the damage. After three years of denial I weighed a hefty 246lbs. I was stunned. This wasn’t the worst part. I was beginning to have bad chest pains, and experienced dizziness and shortness of breath. I felt tired all the time. I was also becoming more and more depressed. So what was going on? Well, in a nutshell, I was eating the wrong foods, at the wrong times, and way too much of it.

I decided I was going to embark on a mission, to lose 30lbs, after all how hard can that be right. I mean I am a hard worker, should be a snap. So I did what most people do, head out to the local gym, sign up for a membership and personal trainer, bought all the protein bars, shakes and supplements they recommended. I even subscribed to a fitness magazine and purchased products they recommended. All in all I had spent a small fortune in order to get started, but this was fine because I was really committing myself.

I spent the next 3 months working out with my trainer twice a week, and on my own four times a week, with only Sunday off. My workouts consisted of 35-45mins of cardio six days a week and weight training for 60 Min’s 5 days a week. At first I started to lose weight by 4-5lbs a week. I was really excited, then slowly but surely, it started to drop to 2lbs a week, then not even one. My trainer told me ‘we need to tweak your diet a little, and work a little harder’. Believe me when I tell you I was busting my butt to get in shape. There were days when I was the only one in the gym at 1.30am doing cardio. The cleaners would joke around saying I needed to pay rent I was there so much.

And then it happened, at my next weigh in day I had actually gained 2lbs. My trainer assured me this was muscle gain, and not to worry as the scales don’t distinguish between muscle gain, and fat gain, or muscle loss and fat loss for that matter. I was skeptical because I felt so much weaker. I couldn’t bench or leg press what I could 3 months earlier, and if I was really gaining muscle, shouldn’t I be stronger. It didn’t make sense to me. Nevertheless I continued on to the end of our scheduled training program. When all was said and done I weighed 227lbs. I had lost 19lbs, not bad, but a far cry from my goal of 30lbs.

The worst thing about it, was that I didn’t look much different, just smaller. It was discouraging to me to think I had worked so hard for 3 months and was still not happy with the way I looked. I was still flabby, still undefined, and still felt tired all the time, some days even more tired than when I was heavier. Then it dawned on me, the trainers at the gym had taken specific courses and certifications to help their clients get into better shape. Perhaps they were not specific enough for me. I started to pay a lot more attention to the things I ate, the types of foods, as well as how they affected me, even the foods recommended by my trainer which I had taken as gospel. Here is what I found.

1. Many of the carbohydrates I was eating, even the healthy fibrous carbs, had an adverse affect on me.

2. I could stuff myself with veges and fruits all day long and still be hungry.

3. I would eat less then 36g of fat a day for weeks and still be flabby

4. Eating the forbidden red meat made me feel strong and induced powerful workouts

5. Eating coconut, a food rich in saturated fats curbed my hunger, and accelerated my fat loss

6. Eating larger meals less often, gave me unbelievable energy, despite the accepted idea of eating smaller frequent meals.

7. Healthy grains, such as oatmeal, and wheat bread slowed my weight loss.

8. Cardio sessions left me feeling weak and depleted, and you guessed it, still smooth, not cut

9. Weight training energized me

10. All the protein shakes I was using were making me fat

11. White rice surprisingly did not

12. Although yams were sweeter than potatoes, they helped my progress, where potatoes hindered

13. I could eat a lot, and I mean a lot of fish, and still get lean

I realize now that there is a uniqueness to the Polynesian body and how many of the accepted laws and practices of the fitness industry do not apply to us.

Last year I travelled to Cambodia. While I was there I couldn’t help but notice how slender and healthy the people of that culture were, despite being a third world country, or perhaps due to it. Obesity was practically non existent, and I thought to myself there must be something to the way they eat. I really doubt the average Cambodian has a membership to Golds Gym, and I didn’t see them out running all the time. Many of them where just sitting around on the streets.

When I flew back to the US my first stop was San Fransisco Airport, and there was no mistaking being back in America. Eight out of ten people I saw were either overweight or obese. I thought more about the Cambodian culture. What did they eat so ordinarily that kept them in shape? Then it came to me. They eat the foods their bodies have evolved to assimilate. It was an epiphany of mass proportion. Once I realised this I could apply it to myself right. Well, I couldn’t have been more right.

I began to research more and more about my heritage. Where did I come from? Who are my parents? Where are they from? What did the people from that region of the world eat before the introduction of commercially processed foods? Now I was getting somewhere. It all led to genetics.

I researched several case studies from the early sixties concerning cultures from the isles of the sea. It was amazing to see the differences in what they ate and how they obtained their food. It was also sad to see how their health has plummeted as they have strayed from that food. It has long been understood that in order to discover truth, you must go to the source. Unchanged and untainted, it is the wellspring from which all knowledge will flow. Cheap imitations may mimic the truth, but from their fruits, they will be revealed.

What I am speaking of are fake foods, fake fats, fake sugars, engineered additives, harmful chemicals, and unnatural preservatives, powders, shakes, and meal replacements to name a few. All in all they eventually reveal themselves through unsightly bodies, crippling health issues, and the loss of quality of life. As soon as I started eliminating all processed foods, refined sugars, and all so called health foods, my fat loss skyrocketed. In just a few weeks, I had lost 14lbs, and the weight continued to come off. My energy levels were very high, and this made me more excited and motivated to exercise. Over the next 3 months I had lost a significant amount of body fat and a total of 38lbs not including the 19lbs I had lost working my butt off. Funny thing was that I was working out half as much as I was to lose those 19lbs, as I did to lose the 38lbs. I was really onto something. All in all I had lost a total of 57lbs.

One day at the gym, a trainer was blown away by how I looked. He had the audacity to ask me ‘what happened?’, as if I had survived a life threatening disease. He then asked ‘what’s your secret’, and I found myself caught in the irony of telling a trainer that my secret was diet and exercise. This was the same advice I had paid over $900 for three months earlier. If only that advice were the right diet, and the right exercise for a Polynesian. Well, back to genetics.

I discovered something very interesting about my heritage. My parents are from the Polynesian islands. My father was born in Lotopa Upolu, and my mother in Suva Fiji. Genetic mapping shows that these cultures have strong links to the indigenous people of Taiwan, and that they are more closely linked to this culture than any other. I thought, hm, seems plausible; Polynesians love chop suey, eat a lot of rice, love their fish, even eat it raw like the Asian cultures. All I did was eat more of the foods they would have eaten on those islands fifty years ago, and why, because these are the foods my body has evolved to assimilate, despite the fact that my diet can contain as much as 60% saturated fats. Yep, you read it right. I can eat a lot more fat and be lean and healthy if they are natural fats, but I cannot eat a small amount of sugar and get away with it.

I went on to discover many important aspects of health that are specific to Polynesians, which cannot be addressed in the scope of this article, but here are some guide lines to help you lose weight safely and permanently.

Tip #1 You must lower your carbohydrates and eliminate processed foods

Before the white man showed up on the islands, organic foods were called ordinary foods. Nothing was processed, and the work effort alone to provide food for your family would be enough to keep anyone lean.

Tip #2 Increase your fiber intake

Tip #3 Drink more water

Get rid of sodas, sports drinks, alcohol, diet beverages, and caffeinated drinks, with the exception of green tea. Polynesians can benefit a great deal from green tea as it has been used by their ancestors (Asians) for medicinal purposes for more than 2000 years. Can’t be wrong.

Tip #4 Eat more protein

Eat whole foods in the form of organic pork, organic beef, and fish. Hey this is the best part. It’s what we love and our bodies are designed for it.

Tip #5 Replace your olive, vegetable and corn oils with coconut oil

Although olive oil is highly recommended and a mainstay of most diets, last time I checked no islanders descended from Italians. Again believe me when I say, our bodies have evolved to assimilate coconut oil better than any other. Various studies show that although there is little nutritional value in coconut oil, many people lose weight by eating it.

In the islands coconut and coconut cream is used in everything. Sixty percent of the normal diet is comprised of saturated fat compared to the typical western diet of thirty five to forty five percent fat, yet the islanders had less heart disease and less blood cholesterol. Diabetes, and colon cancer were completely absent before the introduction of processed foods. Problems arise when you combine these high natural oil diets with refined sugars, and processed foods containing chemicals, additives and preservatives that wreak havoc on the typical Polynesian body type. Things like spam, and canned corned beef that use fake fats are dangerous, and should not be eaten.

Tip #6 Avoid these foods at all cost

High Fructose Corn Syrup Refined sugar Fake fats such as trans fats and partially hydrogenated oil Artificial sweeteners and diet foods Dairy Soy products

If you are eliminating all processed foods you will not have a difficulty with most of these. Also avoid processed meats, such as bacon and deli meats as they can contain modified salts, sugars and dangerous nitrates.

Tip #7 Keep a food journal

You may be surprised at how much you eat, or how little. If you keep a journal, you will have an accurate record of how your body is affected by different foods. This is a very useful tool.

Obviously there are so many things you can learn that break down the very specifics of dieting techniques, but trust me, these simple techniques will work for you as they have for me. I have kept the weight off for six years now, and feel terrific. I do recommend that you do more research as I did, to learn everything you can about successful weight loss, and how it relates to you specifically. Don’t be disheartened by all the information that is available out there. A lot of the diet strategies and work out programs won’t work for us, but some of them will. Educate yourself, for knowledge is power. Nothing is more important than investing in your own health, and that of your family.

Source by Andrew Pogai

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/polynesian-diet-strategies-7-tips-to-help-you-lose-weight-permanently/ via Home Solutions on WordPress from Home Solutions FOREV https://homesolutionsforev.tumblr.com/post/187115701695 via Tim Clymer on Wordpress

[homesolutionsforev]

Polynesian Diet Strategies – 7 Tips to Help You Lose Weight Permanently

I am constantly amazed when I hear stories of Polynesians who suddenly passed away from heart attack, diabetes, and even colon cancer, at such a young age. My grandfather was very young when he died from colon cancer. My mother who is now 62 has suffered from a long history of chronic illnesses, arthritis, stroke, and now has diabetes. Outside of my immediate family, I see other Polynesians suffering from diet induced diseases, and I fear they will not live to see their grandchildren. So what is happening to our people, and what can we do to stop it?

I am going to give you seven of the best tips you can implement to lose weight, and get back your health starting right now, but first I want to tell you a little about myself.

I am a Polynesian male in my late thirties. I was born and raised in New Zealand to loving parents of six children. I came to the United States in the late nineties to attend school. After the first year of College, I had gained some extra weight, about 15lbs. No big deal right, wrong. As each year passed I was gaining more and more unsightly body fat.

This was extremely abnormal for me, since I was fairly active and played a great deal of competitive sports, such as rugby, basketball, tennis and volleyball. I have always had a good sense about being in shape and was growing frustrated at the elusive body fat accumulating day to day. I ignored it for a long time until one day I was flipping through some photos I just developed. I saw a shot of myself where my back was facing the camera. For a brief moment I was confused as to who that was. I didn’t even recognize myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed to realize that the way I thought I looked, and how I actually looked were completely different. Is this what people were seeing?

At this point I bought a pair of scales to assess the damage. After three years of denial I weighed a hefty 246lbs. I was stunned. This wasn’t the worst part. I was beginning to have bad chest pains, and experienced dizziness and shortness of breath. I felt tired all the time. I was also becoming more and more depressed. So what was going on? Well, in a nutshell, I was eating the wrong foods, at the wrong times, and way too much of it.

I decided I was going to embark on a mission, to lose 30lbs, after all how hard can that be right. I mean I am a hard worker, should be a snap. So I did what most people do, head out to the local gym, sign up for a membership and personal trainer, bought all the protein bars, shakes and supplements they recommended. I even subscribed to a fitness magazine and purchased products they recommended. All in all I had spent a small fortune in order to get started, but this was fine because I was really committing myself.

I spent the next 3 months working out with my trainer twice a week, and on my own four times a week, with only Sunday off. My workouts consisted of 35-45mins of cardio six days a week and weight training for 60 Min’s 5 days a week. At first I started to lose weight by 4-5lbs a week. I was really excited, then slowly but surely, it started to drop to 2lbs a week, then not even one. My trainer told me ‘we need to tweak your diet a little, and work a little harder’. Believe me when I tell you I was busting my butt to get in shape. There were days when I was the only one in the gym at 1.30am doing cardio. The cleaners would joke around saying I needed to pay rent I was there so much.

And then it happened, at my next weigh in day I had actually gained 2lbs. My trainer assured me this was muscle gain, and not to worry as the scales don’t distinguish between muscle gain, and fat gain, or muscle loss and fat loss for that matter. I was skeptical because I felt so much weaker. I couldn’t bench or leg press what I could 3 months earlier, and if I was really gaining muscle, shouldn’t I be stronger. It didn’t make sense to me. Nevertheless I continued on to the end of our scheduled training program. When all was said and done I weighed 227lbs. I had lost 19lbs, not bad, but a far cry from my goal of 30lbs.

The worst thing about it, was that I didn’t look much different, just smaller. It was discouraging to me to think I had worked so hard for 3 months and was still not happy with the way I looked. I was still flabby, still undefined, and still felt tired all the time, some days even more tired than when I was heavier. Then it dawned on me, the trainers at the gym had taken specific courses and certifications to help their clients get into better shape. Perhaps they were not specific enough for me. I started to pay a lot more attention to the things I ate, the types of foods, as well as how they affected me, even the foods recommended by my trainer which I had taken as gospel. Here is what I found.

1. Many of the carbohydrates I was eating, even the healthy fibrous carbs, had an adverse affect on me.

2. I could stuff myself with veges and fruits all day long and still be hungry.

3. I would eat less then 36g of fat a day for weeks and still be flabby

4. Eating the forbidden red meat made me feel strong and induced powerful workouts

5. Eating coconut, a food rich in saturated fats curbed my hunger, and accelerated my fat loss

6. Eating larger meals less often, gave me unbelievable energy, despite the accepted idea of eating smaller frequent meals.

7. Healthy grains, such as oatmeal, and wheat bread slowed my weight loss.

8. Cardio sessions left me feeling weak and depleted, and you guessed it, still smooth, not cut

9. Weight training energized me

10. All the protein shakes I was using were making me fat

11. White rice surprisingly did not

12. Although yams were sweeter than potatoes, they helped my progress, where potatoes hindered

13. I could eat a lot, and I mean a lot of fish, and still get lean

I realize now that there is a uniqueness to the Polynesian body and how many of the accepted laws and practices of the fitness industry do not apply to us.

Last year I travelled to Cambodia. While I was there I couldn’t help but notice how slender and healthy the people of that culture were, despite being a third world country, or perhaps due to it. Obesity was practically non existent, and I thought to myself there must be something to the way they eat. I really doubt the average Cambodian has a membership to Golds Gym, and I didn’t see them out running all the time. Many of them where just sitting around on the streets.

When I flew back to the US my first stop was San Fransisco Airport, and there was no mistaking being back in America. Eight out of ten people I saw were either overweight or obese. I thought more about the Cambodian culture. What did they eat so ordinarily that kept them in shape? Then it came to me. They eat the foods their bodies have evolved to assimilate. It was an epiphany of mass proportion. Once I realised this I could apply it to myself right. Well, I couldn’t have been more right.

I began to research more and more about my heritage. Where did I come from? Who are my parents? Where are they from? What did the people from that region of the world eat before the introduction of commercially processed foods? Now I was getting somewhere. It all led to genetics.

I researched several case studies from the early sixties concerning cultures from the isles of the sea. It was amazing to see the differences in what they ate and how they obtained their food. It was also sad to see how their health has plummeted as they have strayed from that food. It has long been understood that in order to discover truth, you must go to the source. Unchanged and untainted, it is the wellspring from which all knowledge will flow. Cheap imitations may mimic the truth, but from their fruits, they will be revealed.

What I am speaking of are fake foods, fake fats, fake sugars, engineered additives, harmful chemicals, and unnatural preservatives, powders, shakes, and meal replacements to name a few. All in all they eventually reveal themselves through unsightly bodies, crippling health issues, and the loss of quality of life. As soon as I started eliminating all processed foods, refined sugars, and all so called health foods, my fat loss skyrocketed. In just a few weeks, I had lost 14lbs, and the weight continued to come off. My energy levels were very high, and this made me more excited and motivated to exercise. Over the next 3 months I had lost a significant amount of body fat and a total of 38lbs not including the 19lbs I had lost working my butt off. Funny thing was that I was working out half as much as I was to lose those 19lbs, as I did to lose the 38lbs. I was really onto something. All in all I had lost a total of 57lbs.

One day at the gym, a trainer was blown away by how I looked. He had the audacity to ask me ‘what happened?’, as if I had survived a life threatening disease. He then asked ‘what’s your secret’, and I found myself caught in the irony of telling a trainer that my secret was diet and exercise. This was the same advice I had paid over $900 for three months earlier. If only that advice were the right diet, and the right exercise for a Polynesian. Well, back to genetics.

I discovered something very interesting about my heritage. My parents are from the Polynesian islands. My father was born in Lotopa Upolu, and my mother in Suva Fiji. Genetic mapping shows that these cultures have strong links to the indigenous people of Taiwan, and that they are more closely linked to this culture than any other. I thought, hm, seems plausible; Polynesians love chop suey, eat a lot of rice, love their fish, even eat it raw like the Asian cultures. All I did was eat more of the foods they would have eaten on those islands fifty years ago, and why, because these are the foods my body has evolved to assimilate, despite the fact that my diet can contain as much as 60% saturated fats. Yep, you read it right. I can eat a lot more fat and be lean and healthy if they are natural fats, but I cannot eat a small amount of sugar and get away with it.

I went on to discover many important aspects of health that are specific to Polynesians, which cannot be addressed in the scope of this article, but here are some guide lines to help you lose weight safely and permanently.

Tip #1 You must lower your carbohydrates and eliminate processed foods

Before the white man showed up on the islands, organic foods were called ordinary foods. Nothing was processed, and the work effort alone to provide food for your family would be enough to keep anyone lean.

Tip #2 Increase your fiber intake

Tip #3 Drink more water

Get rid of sodas, sports drinks, alcohol, diet beverages, and caffeinated drinks, with the exception of green tea. Polynesians can benefit a great deal from green tea as it has been used by their ancestors (Asians) for medicinal purposes for more than 2000 years. Can’t be wrong.

Tip #4 Eat more protein

Eat whole foods in the form of organic pork, organic beef, and fish. Hey this is the best part. It’s what we love and our bodies are designed for it.

Tip #5 Replace your olive, vegetable and corn oils with coconut oil

Although olive oil is highly recommended and a mainstay of most diets, last time I checked no islanders descended from Italians. Again believe me when I say, our bodies have evolved to assimilate coconut oil better than any other. Various studies show that although there is little nutritional value in coconut oil, many people lose weight by eating it.

In the islands coconut and coconut cream is used in everything. Sixty percent of the normal diet is comprised of saturated fat compared to the typical western diet of thirty five to forty five percent fat, yet the islanders had less heart disease and less blood cholesterol. Diabetes, and colon cancer were completely absent before the introduction of processed foods. Problems arise when you combine these high natural oil diets with refined sugars, and processed foods containing chemicals, additives and preservatives that wreak havoc on the typical Polynesian body type. Things like spam, and canned corned beef that use fake fats are dangerous, and should not be eaten.

Tip #6 Avoid these foods at all cost

High Fructose Corn Syrup Refined sugar Fake fats such as trans fats and partially hydrogenated oil Artificial sweeteners and diet foods Dairy Soy products

If you are eliminating all processed foods you will not have a difficulty with most of these. Also avoid processed meats, such as bacon and deli meats as they can contain modified salts, sugars and dangerous nitrates.

Tip #7 Keep a food journal

You may be surprised at how much you eat, or how little. If you keep a journal, you will have an accurate record of how your body is affected by different foods. This is a very useful tool.

Obviously there are so many things you can learn that break down the very specifics of dieting techniques, but trust me, these simple techniques will work for you as they have for me. I have kept the weight off for six years now, and feel terrific. I do recommend that you do more research as I did, to learn everything you can about successful weight loss, and how it relates to you specifically. Don’t be disheartened by all the information that is available out there. A lot of the diet strategies and work out programs won’t work for us, but some of them will. Educate yourself, for knowledge is power. Nothing is more important than investing in your own health, and that of your family.

Source by Andrew Pogai

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/polynesian-diet-strategies-7-tips-to-help-you-lose-weight-permanently/ via Home Solutions on WordPress

[omcik-blog]

New Post has been published on OmCik

New Post has been published on http://omcik.com/how-the-medicaid-debate-affects-long-term-care-insurance-decisions/

How the Medicaid debate affects long-term care insurance decisions

The latest version of the Senate’s bill , and it didn’t do much to change the in Medicaid spending that were in the original legislation.

Here’s why that’s important to nearly everyone, even people who are reasonably affluent for now: As I’ve explained in two recent columns, for retirees who run out of money but still need home-based care or must move into a nursing home. Medicare generally doesn’t cover those costs, and they are high enough that even people with can end up spending everything they have the years before they die.

The money for Medicaid comes from both the federal government and the states, and this week, the Bipartisan Policy Center in Washington had to say about what the future holds: “States will not be able to sustain spending for long-term services and supports as baby boomers begin to need these services and supports.”

More from New York Times:

Something will have to give if we are to take the senators responsible for this bill at their word, and plenty of readers are taking them literally. So the question I’ve heard most in the last two weeks is this: How seriously should I consider getting some kind of to cover my care in case big Medicaid cuts are on the horizon?

Over most of the past couple of decades, answering this question meant shopping for long-term care insurance. At first it covered only nursing homes, but policies eventually paid for assisted living and home-based or community-based care, too. To make a claim, you must generally be unable to handle at least a few basic aspects of everyday living on your own.

What are the odds that you might need such intensive assistance? According to a 2015 , by Melissa Favreault of the Urban Institute and Judith Dey of the office of the assistant secretary for planning and evaluation at the federal Health and Human Services Department, 52 percent of people turning 65 will need it at some point before they die.

And how long might they need it for? Of 100 people — including those who will never require any care — 27 will need it for less than two years. Fourteen of 100 will need care for five or more years. If you break it down by sex, women stand an 18 out of 100 chance of joining the five-year club, compared with just 10 out of 100 men. The costs will vary significantly, but 8.6 percent of people will end up spending more than $250,000 out of their own pockets.

The numbers are scary enough that plenty of people bought insurance in recent decades — and kept the plans long enough to start making claims. And most of the insurance companies guessed wrong about how many customers would need to cash in (to say nothing of all their other wrong guesses). Most insurers have left the long-term care market, and many of the rest have raised prices significantly, both on existing policyholders and newcomers.

Take, for example, a single, 60-year-old man who wants to buy a policy today. He is seeking a $250-a-day benefit for care and a provision that raises that benefit 3 percent per year to try to keep up with inflation. He wants to guarantee three years total of care and is willing to agree to a 90-day waiting period before he can collect. He will pay an average of $3,355 per year, according to the American Association for Long-Term Care Insurance.

Things get worse for a single, 60-year-old woman, who would pay an average of $4,470 for the same plan. (Women are responsible for two-thirds of all claims in dollars, so they pay more in most states, though gender-based rates are of a federal administrative complaint.) Couples could save money by joining forces and sharing the benefits; a heterosexual couple would pay $4,945.

Plenty of people can’t afford premiums that large. Others can’t get coverage at all. According to the most recent industry data, 25 percent of consumers who tried to get a policy between the ages of 60 and 69 were rejected altogether. For those who tried when they were 70 to 79, 44 percent could not get coverage at any price. Buying earlier could mean three or four decades of premiums.

While it’s foolish to approach this decision without digesting the actuarial odds and prices, there is no calculator that can size things up precisely. Should you bet against your ability to care for yourself later by buying expensive insurance — or do so to protect assets for your heirs and to keep them from having to change your adult diapers? Or is it smarter to bet on your ability to save, keep saving, keep working and have the stock market deliver enough returns so that, 20 or 30 or 40 years from now, you will have enough money to pay for in-home care or a nursing home?

Many people use their own experience as a guide. Victoria Coyle’s mother paid roughly $500 each month for long-term care insurance for about a decade. To afford it, she skipped dental insurance, put off home repairs and cut back on grandchild visits. “Our mother was pretty adamant that she didn’t want to burden us in any way,” Ms. Coyle said.

Her children tried to persuade her to drop the coverage, but she wouldn’t budge. She died last year at 75 after two heart attacks, having never made a claim. None of her children have long-term care insurance, though Ms. Coyle said she hadn’t ruled it out.

There is another option: that offers a long-term care benefit. If you don’t need it, your heirs get money when you die. It outsells traditional long-term care insurance, according to Limra, a research company. My colleague Paul Sullivan late last year.

Financial services representatives are positively gleeful. in a trade publication described “off the charts” interest and “strong crowds” at professional events. This exuberance should make their clients extremely wary. If you’re considering any such product, hire an independent adviser on an hourly basis (say, from the ) to examine the policy side by side with traditional long-term care insurance and the possibility of paying for care out of pocket.

Sophisticated readers who wrote to me in recent weeks described doing all of the above and still throwing up their hands in confusion. It took a professional storyteller, , to help me understand why.

Ms. Gillis spent many years watching her mother slowly melt away from dementia. In an interview this week, as she contemplated her own future, Ms. Gillis spoke of changing generational narratives: Once upon a time, you grew up, married, had kids, got your pension, the end. “The entire storytelling trajectory has now changed,” she concluded, after describing her mother’s last few years, when she did not recognize her daughter. It is not how she wants her own life to play out.

So here’s my guess as to how the story might end in the future — and why we should all think very hard before buying a lot of pricey insurance that we’d need to keep for decades. As several of you pointed out in your emails, there is something radically unfair about the fact that Medicare pays for years of expensive treatment for cancer and heart disease but won’t touch the long-term care and supervision that is, in effect, the prescription for people with memory conditions.

Given how strapped Medicaid is likely to become and how many more of us will live long enough to find our brains and bank accounts depleted before our bodies, it seems quite likely that the federal and state governments will have to do more, not less, to keep older Americans off the streets. No one in Washington seems to want to own up to that, but they will soon have no choice.

Susan Flanders, a retired Episcopal priest who watched her father die slowly while in the throes of Alzheimer’s, believes that the will eventually catch up to the desire of many people to make plans in advance to end their lives, should their minds permanently falter in a severe fashion.

She’s also utterly unafraid to mix money into the conversation about the meaning of life when the mind deteriorates. “What we’re paying for is something that many people wouldn’t want if they had a choice,” said Rev. Flanders, who is working on a book about dementia. “It’s hundreds of dollars each day that could go towards their grandchildren’s education or care for people who could get well.”

Given the fact that dementia and related cases are often the most expensive and long-lasting, it’s possible that a change in approach like the one Rev. Flanders imagines could mean that lots of people would need less money for their own care. No one would have to sign up for an assisted death, but many people would probably choose to.

How soon will the federal and state governments come around, by formally paying for long-term care for all dementia patients and by allowing a different kind of death for those who choose it? It’s hard to say, but many of us didn’t think gay marriage and legal marijuana would happen so quickly.

“What many people care about isn’t living as long as we possibly can,” Rev. Flanders said. “It’s about having a reasonably good quality of life for as long as we can.”

[minditruitt]

Emotional Budgeting

The word budget is not a favorite among a lot of people.

It suggests....GASP....that there will be a cap on your spending, whether it be personal, bills or repayment of debt. Whether the word evokes fear, relief or neither is a matter of two things....

Number 1: Are you the one who’s implementing this financial leash?

Or....

Number 2: Are you the one whose collar is being attached to it?

Did it ever occur to anyone that a financial budget can be beneficial to your emotional budget? Yeah, no, me neither....

Until recently.

In the past I’ve called myself an emotional hemophiliac. A word that someone found interesting and I received a notification regarding that. When you are running from something, having a limit on your ability to increase your speed to escape it is not a welcome thing. Think of it this way. If you’re being chased by a giant something or other you feel the need to use everything at your disposal to make a hasty exit and if someone is telling you ‘no, you don’t have the funds to upgrade to supersonic escape mode’ you can be horrified because then you have to recalculate and face whatever it is.

Filling a void or re-creating a life can be expensive and if you aren’t in charge of yourself there will be problems. Self control, self discipline or disclosure isn’t always easy. By disclosure, I’m talking about pulling your head out of your ass and facing what you don’t want to.

If someone else is in charge that can sometimes be a good thing if you’re having trouble seeing things clearly. It can also be a bad thing if they’re crazier than you are. lol

I’ve coughed up enough “please save me” hairballs over the course of my life that even thinking about them now makes me sad and frankly pissed off at myself.

People would say over and over....’save  yourself’....

Go to hell, I don’t want to. I don’t know how to and I don’t care to....

Tough.

To me, at that time, ‘do it yourself’ either meant that they didn’t love me enough or I was doing something wrong. Both scenarios can play out with disaster. I would turn myself inside out to make amends for something that didn’t exist or I would end up creating something that became chaotic. Life repeated itself until I finally figured out what I was doing. Which was only fairly recently and I’m not altogether sure I look forward to embracing a calmer me. lol

People ask why things happen to them.

The refrigerator magnet responds ‘why not you?’

So those of us who perhaps have, as the saying goes, more issues than a magazine subscription should use that to let other people in similar situations or with similar emotions know that they’re not alone in their confusion, sadness or  anger. The thing is, though, that person has to be ready to listen. Or read things others have written or said.

There are a lot of people out there who have been through various things and have written articles, songs, books or have spoken openly about them and I have benefitted personally. Like a lot of people I have felt very alone at times, very confused and frankly have become extremely angry at myself for being so dense.

That helped nothing.

It only fueled my lack of an emotional budget and a financial one. I threw more money out the window than I care to talk about but I was running so fast that the trail behind me blazed with glow of stupidity. I looked to other people for advice but rarely took it. I looked to other people for acceptance and when they gave it I feared it and ran from them or created a situation through that fear that caused them to run from me.

Why in the world would I be so open and honest with people who may read this blog because they have nothing better to do and with whom I don’t even know?

Because I care.

Because I care more about you than I do about me.

Because I care about the people I’ve hurt. Because I care about those who have hurt me. Because I care about people who are hurting now. Because, in my limited voice, I feel an internal pressure to turn some of my ridiculousness into a positive.

Yes, I fell in love with a gay man. Yes, I developed an eating disorder. Yes, I self-medicated. Yes, I’ve said things that made me look pathetic and needy. Yes, I’ve spent money I shouldn’t have. Yes, I’ve trusted folks I am remiss about. Yes, I’ve thought that because I’d lost two infant sons, a 20+ year marriage, my identity, watched, horrified by, the suffering caused by a severe family illness, cried through the death of my father, kept quiet about a couple of things I actually just deleted and, like everyone else in the world, other ‘life challenges’ that somehow I was entitled to a free pass to happiness.

Bullshit.

I’m entitled to nothing.

In the aftermath I tried to give myself a life of frivolity and fun that I thought would enable me to outrun the pressure and sadness.

What I gave myself was a fucking headache.

No matter what is happening to any of us on any particular day we have no right to highjack ourselves so that things become more difficult and that is why we all need a budget.

In an emotional budget there should be an account for a rainy day just like in a financial budget. What do you put in a rainy day account emotionally?

Time.

You have to give yourself time to process what has happened to you before you run out and get involved in something else. You’re exhausted. You have to refill your internal tank with rest and reflection and that is sometimes the very thing that you feel like you don’t deserve. That’s also what happens when you have spent too much as well. You are then overextended and you have to replace that money. 

There should be enough energy budgeted in for friends, family and work. If you race from event to event you never really recover enough to be able to give 100% to anything then you start running a deficit in the energy department. You then borrow from the relaxation category that you have set aside for yourself and add to the “event” category. When your emotional budget doesn’t balance you’ll pay for it in more ways than one. Your health suffers, your sanity suffers and you run around on ‘empty’ depleting your reserves. The same goes for a financial budget. If you give in to yourself or someone else too much financially then you run the risk of running short for other expenditures or worse.

If you don’t plan for yourself you can’t give to anyone else. That’s where I ran short. I ran from pillar to post depleting myself looking for the emotional cork that I was missing and searching for everyone else to provide it for me and when they tried to I rebelled. It was and is the stupidest thing you can do. When someone truly cares for you they want you to be strong and sometimes they will sit in on the edge crying over your mistakes and watching you dig a hole that will be difficult for you to get out of but cheering the loudest when you emerge healthier and better equipped to handle even simple things. The problem can arise when you see that as them not caring enough to take over and fix you.

You can only fix yourself and it’s not an ‘event’ it’s a process. Very few people are so put together that they have nothing that ever affects them despite their Instagram account, Facebook posts or puffed up LinkedIn profile that would incline you to believe otherwise. lol

This was a very “emotional” post for me to write and fortunately or unfortunately there is still so much that I haven’t written about. Does that make me a unfortunate soul or does that make me someone who can help, relate and empathize with other people?

You decide.