#my spawn is having an mri this week

[kingsofeverything]

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[jesuisparti2409]

So, I want to talk about a few things that have been going on in my life. At the beginning of the year a started to have these terrible headaches. Migraines actually. The first one lasted for an entire week and I had one almost every day for 2 months. After that I started to get ocular migraines (which cause you to lose sight in one of your eyes for about 30-40 min) every day for a week. At that point I was like fuck this..I ended up going to get a cat scan and they said everything was literally perfect....They said the headaches could be spawning from stress mixed with my anxiety and depression. So after that I went to see a neurologist and he told me that he didn't think an MRI was necessary at this point and he wanted me to try taking a daily prevention first before doing an MRI. I was a little worried he might be leading me in the wrong direction (because honestly I've had TERRIBLE experiences with doctors..) but I started taking the medication prescribed and I began to notice this nauseous feeling at the back of my throat. I ended up looking up the medicine prescribed and it was an ANTIDEPRESSANT. I was a little upset he didn't really explain to me what he was actually giving beforehand, I didn't think it would help with the headaches, and I've always been against taking medicine for my A&D..but I figured since I've exhausted a lot of options I just decided to continue on with it. I have now been taking this medication for over a month and LET ME TELL YOU...I have only had 3 headaches since I started it.(total shocker for me!!!) **AND** I feel like a completely different person. In a good way! I'm more motivated and excited about things and I generally just..am happy! I haven't felt this way. EVER. Sometimes, your body just won't produce certain things, and if you do need to take medication to feel normal again..IT'S OKAY. and I, for one, am not ashamed. My life is is ten times more amazing now. I know this was a long post and I highly doubt anyone will read it. I'm honestly posting for myself to look back on in time. BUT BOY...The weight on my chest is gone. 

[genericmumblog-blog]

Medical issues and Mum guilt.

Here I am, feeling like i have this Mum thing pretty down pat with my 18 month old. Shes a typical toddler and i adore her, even when she’s being a massive pain in my ass. Then, the health crisis starts. 

Within the space of 3 months I am diagnosed with something called Adenocarcinoma In Situ of the cervix, along with CINIII changes, basically, in layman's terms, pre cancer, which will require surgery, the recommended treatment for this aggressive thing in my vagina is a hysterectomy, but because my husband and i have not yet decided if we would like to create another little demon spawn, i have gone with option of something called a cold knife cone biopsy, which sounds scary, but its day surgery, and they basically knock you out and cut a section of your cervix out, hoping to get all the cancer cells out for now, to tide you over before a hysterectomy after you've had kids, fun. So that gets booked in for 2 months away, the waiting game begins. I’m nervous as all hell at this point, the most medical thing I've ever done is give birth.

Whilst waiting for d-day, i start to experience severe upper abdominal pain, after the second attack of this pain, I go to an incompetent GP who has no idea, she says muscle pains, OK. So the attack happens again and i end up in the ER and a shot of morphine later the nurses tell me suspected gallstones, awesome. So off i go to the GP (a more competent one this time) who sends me off for bloods and an ultrasound, ultrasound confirms gallstones, but also shows a mass in my kidney, suspected to be a stone also, and lesions in my liver. A CT scan is recommended, more medical stuff, yay. CT scan done and dusted, its 2 days before my surgery at this point, and i’m one more medical emergency from a mental breakdown, and constantly paranoid about having another gallbladder attack, because let me tell you folks, that shit is worse than labour. CT scan shows lesions on my liver are possible blood cysts, awesome, MRI is requested. I get these results the morning of my surgery. They also inform me that my gallstones are showing signs of infection, which means the gallbladder will most likely have to be removed, yay. 

So, Thursday the 13th of September, in I go to have my cervix cut apart,  I feel like ill pass out. IV painfully in, and boom, I wake up, sore throat and hand with IV still stinging, but i remember nothing, the power of drugs, right?! I’ll spare you the gory details, but its a similar recovery to vaginal birth, so super fun. My wonderful husband is off work for a week to take care of our pride and joy, and watch as many different types of sportsball as possible, whilst i lay in bed feeling sorry for myself, cuddling a heat pack and feeling like my uterus wants to rip itself out of my body.

 I write this on Monday, 4 days post surgery, and the guilt is REAL. Sure, my husband is an extremely capable parent and carer, our baby loves him and is super happy to have her daddy at home, but i’m a stay at home mum, previously i’d not left her for more that a couple of hours in her 19 months of life, and I’ve barely seen her the past few days, logically, I know shes fine, but emotionally, when I go down for a visit and shes all over me, I feel strong guilt, when I walk back up the stairs and she says in her quiet little sad voice “bye bye mummy” my heart shatters into a million pieces, when she sits on the floor and asks me to play and I tell her I cant sit on the floor at the moment, and she looks at me with sad eyes and says “really really sorry” I feel like the worst mum in the world. Why? Why do I feel this guilt. Guilt that my husband, is being me for a week while I try and recover enough so that when he goes back to work I won’t rupture my stitches? In the 19 months my daughter has been alive, I’ve devoted my life to her, so why do I feel so much guilt for taking some time to heal after surgery? Mums put so much pressure on ourselves day in and day out, and I’ve never felt that pressure more than i do right now, and that my friends is ridiculous to me, and logically I know I need to cut myself some slack, but, as any mum out there will know, I probably wont and i’ll keep feeling guilty about feeling guilty, it’s a vicious cycle.