#my team red or defenders folder is massive but so much of it is just daredevil

[evilwickedme]

I saw in the tags you mentioned spideypool fic recs 👂 I'm listening

breaking the DC streak to go to Marvel because fun fact I've been into DC for six months and into Marvel comics for eight years so

anyway a majority of my spideypool bookmarks are from 2015 and I have no idea if most of them are any good which is an interesting problem to have but I still have a solid list for y'all

Say Anything...Except That - I was following this from the first chapter and I'm now mutuals with the author which was very fanboy moment for me (if you're seeing this, hi!). it has a lot of old school fanfiction.net quirks to it which might be a bit difficult to swallow if you've only been reading fic for a few years, but honestly I think this fic is really good and holds up to this day. it's been a while since I read it last but iirc Deadpool has to protect Spider-Man or Peter from assassination attempts and there's a lot of pining involved. also mattfoggy ended up having a nice arc because this was 2015 and Daredevil had just aired (this is technically incomplete there's one chapter left but if I had to reread it multiple times when there were only like ten chapters you can handle it)

under attack - more fics by people who are wayyy too cool to have followed me back and yet somehow did? anyway this is part of stackthedeck's team red slash series (ELITE ship fyi) but this one is spideypool focused and has some nice fluff. fighting as flirting idk what else to say it's golden

#NoPlaceLikeHome - do y'all know ask-spiderpool? you should it's one of the best blogs on this damn website and a must-read for spideypool shippers. anyway this is that version of spideypool's first time together which is cute :D short and sweet basically. sciderman has a lot of fics for the spiderman fandom in general and their ask-spiderpool au in particular and they're all worth reading

Dissonance - another longfic that took half a decade to write about deadpool protecting spider-man from harm. I actually don't know why this trope is so good peter really can defend himself but there you go

Perfect Enough - ohm y gOD this fic series is so good. this au hinges on such a tiny difference in peter's history but it makes ALL the difference. anyway in this world basically nobody has a functional secret identity anymore except for spider-man. meanwhile, wade wilson and peter parker start dating. so much plot, two separate longfics each around 140k, good luck this CONSUMED my life

speaking of consumed, rippling - this is part of a series called Into the Multiverse and is based on the Spiderverse film so it's Peter B. which I LOVE (spideybpool FUCKS). the series spun out of the authors' other series and it is, in fact, a pain to read the main entries in the series without reading the other serieses which means that I did spend two weeks doing little to nothing except reading deniigiq's work, but a. it was worth b. this one can be read as a standalone! wade jumps in front of a bullet for peter b and he angsts about it I love it

finally ahem speaking of Peter B, did you know I've been writing spideypool fic since 2015 and I wrote one specifically for spiderverse? I'm a mess (but I'm the mess that you wanted) is really a mix of spiderverse and comic canon like, five years into the future, and deals mostly with like, depression and suicidal ideation on Peter's behalf, but hey there's also a plot AND a happy polyam ending which, what else could you want really

anyway sorry the list isn't longer I didn't bookmark so many of my favorite spideypool fics and now they're lost in the void forever :/

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 120, September 2018

The challenge of writing about my feelings towards Father’s Day is to not make it sound like a depressing sob story but it most likely will come across that way. I’ve had a very distant relationship with my biological father for many years now. Even after briefly reconnecting with him about five years ago, it really hasn’t done much to strengthen or salvage the relationship. Making an effort with him just feels like a waste of time and energy.

He’s made several attempts at asking me for money and only really texts me whenever he wants something. It’s an emotional time, not just for me but also for my parents who both no longer have their Dads in their lives. It’s felt like a massive void in my life for many years that I’ve had to find masculine energy and strength from other sources. This includes my step-dad, former personal trainer and a current yoga teacher. But sadly these will never completely fill the void or my needs.

So what’s the best way of taking your mind off the fact that it’s Father’s Day today? Switching off all forms of social media. Going to the local community market at Cranbourne Public Hall and having a coffee with Mum at Michel's Patisserie (Cranbourne East, Victoria). Then going out to Village Cinemas Fountain Gate Gold Class to see the latest Mission: Impossible movie. I think that’s more than enough distractions really. I know a lot of people love and embrace Father’s Day but sadly I’m not one of them for obvious reasons.

On Monday night, I went to the Men of Doveton Program held at Doveton College Theatre and Gym. It’s about halfway through the program now and to be honest, I feel like I’ve only just broken through the iceberg. Whenever it comes to social support groups, I always seem to be the underdog, the one lagging behind the others, the one struggling to catch up. It’s probably due to my autistic traits and under-developed social skills plus the fact that I’ve always been shy, introverted and reserved. But I am determined to complete this program and not simply give up due to my low motivation, self confidence and self worth.

Motivation is still something of a barrier for me, especially on Mondays where I typically don’t do much with my day at all. I usually do some housework, reading, check emails, listen to music and lay in bed. And so the Men of Doveton program has in fact given me a reason to get myself out of the house for a couple of hours and that in itself is an achievement for me. It shows that I need all the help and support I can get from this group of guys. https://www.caseystadium.ymca.org.au/whats-on/upcoming-events/event/men-of-doveton-free-health-program-2/2018/07/30

Tonight we started our first week of playing soccer. My initial reaction to this...well at least it’s better than cricket. But that certainly doesn’t make it easier. Learning to dribble, headbutt and maintain control of the ball wasn’t a walk in the park but I gave it a crack. Similarly, my aim was pretty terrible when it came to kicking the ball into the goals but at least I tried.

Hesitation and uncertainty continue to cloud my judgement when it comes to playing team sports games like soccer but it felt good to least least try to get involved. I made a couple of good attempts at passing the ball to a fellow teammate and also did my best to defend. Again this is not something I’m naturally good at but it’s good to see the other guys being supportive and respectful to the ones giving it a go.

After the physical health session, we gathered ourselves into the kitchen area for our cooking class. We divided ourselves up into seven groups and each worked on a different recipe together. These included: berry smoothies, beans and mushroom on toast, spinach, sweet potato and lentil Dhal, Mediterranean bean salad, roasted chickpeas, protein balls and wholemeal banana pancakes.

It honestly got me out of my comfort zone big time being in that kitchen. I don't do a great deal of cooking at home myself, just occasionally do simple dishes like scrambled eggs, omelettes, salads, smoothies, stir fris etc. And it felt good to be able to contribute and get involved in the cooking process. With there being about 25-30 people in the kitchen, it got hectic very quickly.

Of course my autism and anxiety was going off like an alarm, getting myself easily distracted and being unsure of myself. To throw myself into situations where there is little structure and plenty of chaos, that requires a lot of strength. The solution is to perform tasks I know I’m actually good at like chopping up vegetables, heating up some rice and helping to clean up.

The other is to ask others what needs doing but it’s tough when there’s a lot going on stimulation wise. Still even with how busy the environment got, I still enjoyed myself and felt good about using some hands on kitchen skills again. It’s actually pretty therapeutic as it keeps your mind focused and active on that single activity. Plus I was cutting up and crushing chilies, ginger and garlic which are ingredients I don’t eat or use very often.

In terms of social connections, I feel like I’m slowly blending in with the others. Being one of the quietest men in the group, it’s very easy for me to get overlooked and not stand out. Whenever I meet new people, a wall goes up for my own self-protection due to my trust issues from the past and so it takes time for me to begin opening up to other people and gradually bring that wall down. But I could tell that people were there to support me and to make sure that I didn’t feel alone.

Just attending these weekly Men of Doveton sessions is half the battle for me as social awkwardness and fears of being rejected can rear their ugly heads. But everyone is pretty accepting and inclusive in this group hence why I keep coming each week.

On Tuesday morning, I attended the Adults Learners Week pop-up event at Hampton Park Library. Entering the library foyer, I could already feel my cheeks getting flushed with redness, mainly due to the big question: What the hell am I doing with my life? Thankfully there were plenty of free resources here from Hampton Park Community House, Hampton Park Uniting Church, Hallam Community Learning Centre Inc., Chisholm Institute and Casey Cardinia Libraries.

Mum and I both renewed our library membership cards, grabbed lots of programs and brochures and filled out a work/learning goals form. For 16 years, I’ve referred to myself as a Career Counsellor’s nightmare and nothing much has changed today. It would be easier to say what I’m not interested in. I wrote down: creative writing, painting, drawing, reviewing, barista training, hospitality, waiting and bar service, health and fitness, mental health, nutrition just to name a few things. https://www.cclc.vic.gov.au/

But I’m glad I went today as I’ve opened myself up to more potential social outlets and ways to connect with the local community through classes, workshops, activities, functions, events and training courses. Plus finding mental health support groups, social groups and building friendships. All of those things are very important to me. I’m actually highly considering attending a local church group to pick myself up and feel more connected with others. And I’m not even a Christian. https://www.adultlearnersweek.org/learning-in-casey/ 

On Tuesday night, I attended my RPM class at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. I wasn’t exactly feeling energised or alert even after having a regular latte before my class started but I didn’t care. I was determined to jump on that bike and workout hard. It’s been a while since I last did a class with fitness instructor Caroline Dowswell Symmons aka Cas (who also teaches Body Balance and Body Pump) so it was good to see her again. https://www.caseyrace.ymca.org.au/gym/group-fitness 

We did a mixture of tracks tonight including Ke$ha - We R Who We R (Release 51), Cascada - San Fransisco (Release 54), Sash! featuring Stunt - Raindrops (Release 50) and Fatboy Slim versus Moguai - Ya Mama “Push The Tempo” (Release 56). Cas has a really entertaining way of accentuating the lyrics and trying to encourage us to increase the resistance a little more especially during the climbing uphill tracks. It certainly makes RPM classes a lot more enjoyable and fun. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/fitness-classes/rpm/ 

On Wednesday, my mental health took a turn for the worse. I realised that I’d been carrying a lot of unresolved baggage from Father’s Day last weekend plus lack of sleep, confidence and self-esteem issues, work-related stress, frustration, moodiness, irritability, social isolation. All of it was coming to a head today. I really needed to be pro-active and do something about it.     

So I decided to see my GP Dr. Mah Mah Thet for her recommendation. After suggesting that I think I should change my antidepressant medication (I’ve been taking Zoloft/Sertraline for over 18 months now), she agreed and recommended finding a psychiatrist who specialises in mood disorders and sleep problems. The difficult task now is doing my homework, researching and finding a psych who suits my needs, narrowing the options down to one. 

On Thursday afternoon, I had my NDIS planning meeting/conversation held at Level 2, Suite 1, 64 Victor Crescent in Narre Warren. I spent this week deliberately distracting myself from thinking about this meeting as I was feeling pretty nervous and uncertain about it. I couldn’t have been more organised with a yellow display folder packed with notes, information brochures, letters, reports and evidence about my mental health condition and disability. With how daunting and overwhelming the NDIS system is, I just couldn’t wait to get this planning meeting over with. 

An NDIS representative named Sean ran the meeting today in one of the office spaces. After wasting 5-10 minutes trying to plug the mouse into his computer, we finally got going. Most of it was answering a range of online questionnaires about my family life, social and work environments, living arrangements, what I need help and support with, how my disability impacts on my life, my emotional health, how I want my plan to be managed, my goals and participant statement.     I found that the wording of some of the questions was very convoluted and unnecessarily complex that I had to go to Mum or Sean for a second opinion. It was like they were trying to trip me up if I answered the question incorrectly but Sean assured me that this wasn’t the case.

I did notice that Sean would often go off on a tangent and not be mindful enough about the time (we only had 1.5 hours allocated for this appointment). I also found that he’d sometimes try to answer questions for me and I wasn’t exactly comfortable about that.  But otherwise he was very easy to get along with. https://www.casey.vic.gov.au/community-services/ndis

Thankfully the rest of it was pretty easy as I already did my homework and pre-filled a lot of information ahead of time. Sean offered the suggestion of doing an aged care or disability services course but I’m not really sure about that right now and I’d rather see an actual careers counsellor about that. I’m sure he meant well by it. Now I just have to wait for the plan to get put together. https://www.ndis.gov.au/participants/firstplan

On Friday night, I went to a boxing small group training session at CinFull Fitness. Considering how low, depressed, overwhelmed, highly strung and stressed out I’ve been feeling this week, I figured that trying out some boxing would be a good way to release those negative emotions and make me feel more energized. It was just the four of us tonight, being joined by Grace, Chloe and Ashlee.

Considering I don’t do boxing classes regularly enough or had much experience, I was pretty rusty at it but the girls were very patient and encouraging with me. We took it in turns in wearing the gloves and the focus mitts, doing a few drills and basic combos. The hardest part for me was learning the co-ordination, mitt/glove positioning and timing of the jabs, hooks, crosses and uppercuts but I was slowly getting the hang of it. https://www.expertboxing.com/boxing-basics/how-to-box/the-beginners-guide-to-boxing

There was a lot of cardio exercise mixed in including walking lunges, plank holds, squats, star jumps, step jumps, jumping jacks, squat jumps and push-ups. The physical fatigue and profuse amounts of sweat was obviously present tonight but I felt like I was managing okay. If I don’t need to have the ambos called from Casey Hospital, you know that I’m not overdoing it and that’s important. I’m aware enough of my limits and if I need to stop and take a breather. I’m sure that Cinamon Guerin doesn’t want to see me keeling over.

“I was like a lead balloon when I couldn't even get up to turn the lights on, the dark was swallowing me. Lord knows you can't trust your head, when you're standing on the edge. I'm breaking down. Lord knows you can't trust your head, when you're hanging by a thread. I was breaking down.” SIA - Footprints (2016)