#nah. I think my mental health has just hit different lows

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i told my friend to, essentially, count their blessings?

sorry for possibly bad english

CONTEXT: me (19 they/them) and my online friend (18 they/them). years ago we bonded over not having friends IRL. they were being bullied and i have some mental issues that make social things difficult (social anxiety, low social battery, tendency to isolate)

then things changed. i got therapy and started talking to some classmates. my friend now has an entire IRL friend group they're very close to.

but this past year was a nightmare for me. i'm not in school anymore and my mental health hit a new low. i can't stay in touch with people, everything is exhausting, i'm back to zero. i'm still in therapy but i'm seriously struggling.

silver lining: talking to people online is a little easier. i don't have online friends aside from this person. but i'm very friendly in videogames (i jump around, spam a little, TBH i'm annoying but it works) and i'm active online and open about my interests, some are crazy popular. basically i have small exchanges with people here and there, very brief and or casual. it looks like nothing but where i'm at RN it means the world to me.

PROBLEM: my friend. every. single. time. they see a mutual commenting on my post, or i tell them i had a nice interaction in a videogame, they say "wow, you're a magnet, everyone always talks to you, nobody ever talks to me, haha, i don't know how you do it since no one even looks at me". seriously, EVERY TIME.

they've been doing this for years. it didn't bother me as much before but things are different now. they have a wonderful IRL friend group, a girlfriend, many online friends they're close to. they literally DO befriend people the same way i do, i don't understand what they're envious of. meanwhile this is all i have and they're fully aware of my situation.

BTW it's okay to feel jealousy and envy, i'm a little envious too, but it's how you act on it that can be rude or insensitive. i keep it to myself because i know my issues aren't their fault. also over the years i reassured them when they acted this way and a few times i introduced them to some of these people i meet. apparently it didn't change anything.

i want to tell them to start thinking about how many friends they have and to stop complaining. kindly. i probably sound irritated because i am. but if i say this i don't want to be mean to them, i'll try to be respectful. i just don't know if i'm in the right to even be annoyed

[lozmastermm]

Really I think the worst part of living and being broken since birth, but choosing to, in an infinitely shrinking perception of existence, be the best person I can, finding every philosophy, outlook, religion, whatever I had energy for, and be able to form genuine connections with people, but only specific people:

And slowly, but certainly, finding out you may be the only one who truly cares. At least as much, at least as far, and at least as one in their states can manage.

Idunno, realistically I'm probably wrong, but another part of me knows that I've set my standards to a height no one can match or fit with me.

All that to say: everyday dying certainly sounds funner than existing in a broken state, inside a state that has bottom of the barrel health everything everywhere.

The world is just terrible. Honestly. The little fragments of joy aren't enough, everything is an addiction and life stopped being anything but a rich's plaything and the masses are genuinely too retarded and accepting to do anything.

The most I can possibly derive from life is being able to be a good person for someone. And when your ability to is diminished by failing mental health and worsening economies, when my ability to even be peaceful for moments, when I simply can't be Baseline "Okay"

Well, it's kinda a waste of time innit? It amounted to nothing but fun experiences in a total hellscape everyone is dedicated to keeping as shitty as possible for someone because their dick is small.

I gave people reasons to live and they boiled down to nothing. Incapable. That's existence. Nothing is possible, every possible roadblock will be thrown, your life is not just worthless it's meaningless. Apply meaning and someone will take it away. Every. Single. Time.

So, really, all this is truly to say this: I fucking hate humanity. Of all species we are just fucking callously worthless. An actual parasite of beligerants.

The handful of people who try are fucking massacred by everyone because no one thinks past an emotional none. How the Fuck was I smarter and more capable at 13 when people even now are less capable than babies? That's not a brag it's a fucking cry for help. Do better for fucks sake.

You think there's any pride in having hit the innevitable wall to climb before I was an adult, when no other adults had even started or attempted any intellectualism? It's horrifying. That so many of you, are this lead-filled.

I have an excuse to stop climbing walls, my brain is damaged as shit, ya'll just drink yourselves half to death in an attempt to feel anything but stupid.

All it takes is patience and empathy. I'm willing to say more than half of humanity are utterly without. We don't solve gun problems because it solves the mental health crisis and a buncha other capitalist induced shir, in that nobody gives a shit to fix the problems that lead to gun problems because we genuinely as a species fucking love killing people even children.

I tried growing up just thinking, man, people will be smarter, it's only a small bunch, we live in peaceful times. Good, or truth, triumphs.

Nah. We live in a dystopic hell that's just too lazy to go full blast yet. Ya'll idiots are why the rich don't want to help, I wouldn't, fuck ya'll idiots you ain't worth it, you're killing your own class but yelling at them. Utterly pathetic weak willed shit.

Do better than 13 year old me and I'll have some respect for you, til then, I don't respect a species unwilling to *try* and beat the 13 year old's interpretation of the world. Because my god, it wouldn't be hard, you'd simply have to try. And that's the worst part of being worse than a 13 year old, the single, crucial difference between one loser loner 13yo and most of humanity, was integrity/standards.

All I did was give a shit about myself, sooooley for the benefit of others. And ya still, even now, don't try.

Why did I even waste my time? I have standards for myself, and they're high, but realistically, low, ya'll just set the bar so fucking low my own are simply high in comparison. Again, it's not ego, I'm simply dumbfounded every day since 16 how far I was ahead of most life on the planet just 3 years ago. And then again in 6 years, 9, my god.

So, here's my life advice: Fuck you. Die. Don't try. Nothing is worth it. Everything is on fire so why put any of it out.

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[babycapell]

new york’s very own baby capell was spotted on broadway street , with a striking semblance to courtney eaton ! you may know them as @capellbabyy or hitting the front page of tmz as natasha fox, suspected con-artist infamously identified as baby, unanimously declared innocent on charges faced in california . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-fourth birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being heartless , but also ambitious . things that would paint a better picture of you would be a cluster of designer shopping bags, tan limbs tangled in silk sheets, a heart shaped sucker dangling between glossed lips. ( cisfemale + she/her  ) +  (  saxon , twenty-six , she/her , cst )

Out Of Character

Guess who’s back again? Honestly I don't know how this is going to go because this is a very new character and quite different from anything I’ve played but I’m incredibly excited to bring her to life! As always, we stay very open to connection ideas and plotting so please do not hesitate to hit me up because me and my child are here for the chaos and drama! <3

Basic Information

Full Name: Natasha Wren Campbell-Fox. Baby Capell.

Nickname(s): Nat. Baby.

Birthday: January 6th.

Orientation: Pansexual.

Language(s) Spoken: English, French, Mandarin Chinese, Spanish.

Background

TW: cancer.

At just eighteen years old, Lucia Campbell left New Zealand and moved to England in hopes of pursuing a career in ballet only to unexpectedly end up pregnant just months later, putting a pause on both her dreams and her future. 

Unfortunately, unbeknownst to her at the time of conception, the child’s father was a married member of the British Royal family - albeit fifteenth in line for the throne, the fact that he had stepped out on his wife and had a bastard child was scandal that could not be afforded.

Although the man tried repeatedly to coerce Lucia into getting an abortion, assuring it was what was best for both of them, Natasha Wren Campbell arrived in the world Jaunary sixth, nineteen-ninety six. 

In order to keep the situation under wraps, her father stopped by once a month to ‘check in’. For Natasha and her mother, these events felt less like visits with family and more like important interviews where their every move was under harsh scrutiny, the check he gave them at the end of his visit enough to make sure they were able to get by, money that assured that his secrets were kept safe. 

Every memory Natasha held of the woman who raised her was a beautiful one, a woman she considered so good and ethereal that it almost made sense that she didn’t get to stay in their world for too long.

When Natasha was just fourteen, her mother began experiencing fatigue and pain too serious to brush off, diagnosed within a week with stage four pancreatic cancer, the illness seemed to arise out of nowhere and progressed rapidly, leaving her unable to work and therefore unable to provide for them. 

Natasha waited desperately for her father’s next visit, asking for help with growing bills and the hopes of finding a better doctor but he refused, deeming such beyond his concern and leaving them with the same check he had in every visit prior. 

With no way to make money to care for her herself or her mother, Natasha turned to the only thing she could think of, thievery. What started as sneaking into restaurants and fancy events in order to steal food soon became grabbing expensive items left sitting on tables, selling them for cash that would keep the lights or the heat on even a month longer. 

Still, within eight months, her mother was gone and Natasha was alone - without a job or a place to go. 

The teenager adapted the only way she knew how, using the same tricks that she had before but this time in order to get into hotels. She used her father’s name and position in order to get their attention and if asked, used the pet name her mother had used for her when asked in order to avoid being caught, Baby. 

Soon, she realized that showing fearlessness and confidence could get her almost anything - whatever hotel she could manage soon became the most lavish she could find and just having a bed to lay in at night became enjoying the high class service and catering offered to her.

One night, while enjoying dinner in the hotel restaurant, she was approached by an arrogant teenage boy who was clearly eager to flaunt the wealth his parents held. Rage flooded her but instead of lashing out, her mind pulled her on a different route. She played into his every word until he was obsessed with her and then she used it, doe eyes and sweet voice pleading for what his money had to offer her for three whole months. His interest - or rather his family’s interest in finance and technology was his ultimate downfall, giving her every bit of information she needed to drain his bank account and disappear.

Natasha quickly became aware of just what kind of power she held and she planned on using it, starting with the man whom she deemed, in some way, responsible for the loss of her mother. 

The teenager arrived on her father’s doorstep and played every bit of the confused and mortified girl finding out that her father had a whole life that she and her mother had been unaware of. It was while his wife asked her to wait upstairs as they fought in the living room that she found his study, making quick work of getting every ounce of information she could in order to ruin him financially later. 

Unexpectedly, however, she found an account that was depositing the same amount that he had been paying out to her and her mother monthly. She followed the lead in hopes to meet her possible half-sibling and found a true family instead. A half-sister, Tali Fox (who reminded her greatly of her own mother) and her mother who all too happily took her in and adopted her as if she had always belonged.

Still, the world of lavish living and conning men whom she felt deserved it had piqued her interest in a way she couldn’t explain and she wasn’t ready to give up. She became a chameleon of sorts; spending nights going out to special venues, catching the eye of a rich male and playing the role of their dream girl - she’d use them for months, allowed them to shower her in precious gifts until she grew bored, draining their accounts and disappearing from their lives.

Six months ago she was arrested in California on multiple charges of larceny, fraud and forgery and had been awaiting a trial that finally began at the end of August and concluded just last week with a unanimous verdict of innocence, due to both a lack of evidence and witnesses. (aka; this little b*tch is good at what she does, no evidence and most dudes won’t even come out to say anything against her because they’re either still in love and/or don’t want to admit they got played by this angel face)

Now that she is out, she has arrived in New York to spend some quality time with her sister and perhaps, lay low for a while. 

Personality

Look, there’s no way to sugarcoat it, this girl is the sugar baby supreme okay? She wants your attention and your love and your money and that’s it. She doesn't feel nothing for you anyway, but she feels even less if you don’t adore her, dammit. 

She’s not a bad person, she’s really not - she pry donates all her clothes to the women’s shelter once she’s worn them even once and donates more than half of the money she steals to charity but like...she’s just very very angry and hurt and thinks all rich men deserve to suffer for being the type of man her father was which like - are you going to tell her she’s wrong? And she’s in too deep now, she just can’t stop. 

A true personality unknown though, tbh? She basically has been playing chameleon for so long, she doesn’t know who she is or how to be? Just adjusts to make you happy. Literally the fakest. 

Also she’s totally pansexual but like...way too focused on scamming men because they’re dumb and shit so like, definitely pry fucks around with females/nonbinaries from time to time but always finds herself going back to the hustle.

Desired Connections

A childhood friend who knew Natasha before the loss of her mother who hasn’t seen her since before that happened?

A childhood friend who’s known Natasha the whole time and maybe worries about her and her mental health?

The child of someone she conned? Honestly give me someone who’s dad Natasha hustled and they either hate her for it or just seriously respect her because they didn’t like him anyway? Or maybe even a sibling or an ex that she conned? 

For males? Past scams? Current scams? Future scams? Let this bitch play you, please. We can decide details as to how long or how serious it got, they could hate her or be secretly still obsessed/in love with her or both at once? Literally anything, okay! If you want someone to fuck up your guy in the past or future - this is your girl!

For females or nonbinaries? Give me someone who was maybe genuinely interested in her? Someone who wanted/tried to have a relationship and she was just like nah and it fucked them up a little bit maybe? Honestly maybe even a female/nonbinary she conned because even though she usually doesn’t, she thought they were an ass and deserved it?  

Someone who perhaps she actually started falling for a little, realized she wasn’t actually scamming them, that she was just chilling and she was like excuse??? And left without even scamming them? Or did just to prove to herself that she didn’t actually care about them? Kslflaks;sa I don’t know, she’s messy as hell, y’all.

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

Good Riddance 2020 🎢 and HAPPY NEW YEAR! 🎉

A rollercoaster of a day to end off a rollercoaster of a year. 

What even was 2020? Just thinking back to exactly a year ago, being so excited about the new decade, the “roaring” 20s. But I guess none of us expected what would have hit us. 

Every time I think back to last year’s New Year’s Eve, walking with my neighbour to watch the fireworks, talking about the different guys we’ve met and all. It’s kinda funny it’s kinda the opposite this year. Last year was just meeting different guys, never really interested in a single one; and this year, finally interested in one, but then still meeting different (strange) guys. 

But well, I gotta say, I’m so hella proud of how far I’ve come from who I was. I used to hold back a lot and be so afraid and anxious around the guy I like (I guess the anxiety is still there at times), but the number of times I’ve tried to put myself out there this year, just wow. I gotta applaud myself. Going from not knowing his name to actually asking him to ask me out, getting his number (and name), planning a date/dates (which ultimately failed cos covid), eventually me asking him out and going for drinks, to well... I’m not even sure what we are. 

I’d actually thought things were getting better a few weeks ago, but then a couple selfies later, wellllll... not sure if he got freaked out that he over-flirted maybe, or maybe he wasn’t expecting me to flirt back like this. (Again, still fucking amazed, even my friends are surprised too). But things have been up and down, on and off, push and pull, for pretty much almost the entire time we’ve been talking. Yes, building relationships is tough and there’s gonna be lots of stuff you’ve gotta go through, but also... this? Well. 

Even till today, still not entirely sure what’s even going on. It’s like he’s trying, but barely. Really, the possibility of being breadcrumbed is so high. But anyhoo, like my friend, or friends, I suppose, have been saying... maybe it’s time to take a step back. Breathe. Give yourself some space to think. And honestly I think I procrastinated a little too long for this that now I’m more confused than ever. Sure, talking to friends help, but I still can’t possibly ramble every single thought I have either. 

Also speaking of procrastination... finally got to present my friend her bday video! So glad that I pushed myself to continue it even though I wasn’t entirely in the mood. I had actually wanted to give her this last year, but I guess something got in the way then too. 

But anyway, I digress. So yes, taking breaks. 

We’ve been on on-off breaks, or maybe they’re just time for us to take a step back and refocus on ourselves, just that I let my insecurities and anxiety kick in. Sigh... I guess also it’s cause I’m kinda having expectations too, and well, feelings.

I mean, it’s totally normal not to speak all the time anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much. But then again, sometimes he does disappear mid-convo too. Anyhoo... maybe I just fell for the good parts in him, wanting to see and believe the softie behind the tough exterior, which I do still believe, but I think now I’m not sure how much to trust my gut/heart. Maybe I’m just still seeing through my rose tinted glasses. 

Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me. This tough guy who can be so sweet and caring. Despite small talks, it’s still sweet and thoughtful. And sometimes it seems like he can see right through me - noticing when I’m on my better moods, sensing I’m on my period, and knowing that I’m sorta an overthinker. 

I’m not sure how much of all of these were real. I really truly wanna believe the best and all, and that maybe I was the one who fucked it up so bad that it can’t be fixed. But there’s also some stuff that I can’t just keep brushing off either. It’s just a little too inconsistent. Maybe that’s also on me because I still don’t really know what I want. Not just in love, but in life too. I guess that’s something I’ve gotta try to figure out better next year. 

So yep, this year was definitely lots of lessons learnt. In love, in work, in life. 

As I was saying, I’m still not very good at taking breaks, especially for myself, but I’m learning to do so more, especially nowadays for work. Learning to mute the office chats, not to check my emails, only reply to really urgent matters. Learning to stand up more for myself, not to take up so much responsibility because I feel bad for someone else or for whatever reason that in turn causes me to be overwhelmed and unable to cope. Learning to know who to trust (honestly, still not entirely sure) and to let out your feelings instead of keeping them bottled up, and also maybe being able to help someone else as you guys can count on each other to rant. 

Speaking of mental health, finally seeking help again too. Reconnecting with my counsellor, starting to see other professionals too, just to talk about stuff - mainly work and I guess, the love life. I’m kinda excited that I might get to go back to see her again, cause I think our chats have been quite helpful. Also all the refresher on mindfulness techniques and stuff, especially stuff to help with my anxiety breathing. Gah, y’know how annoying it is especially with masks on now? Don’t even get me started on crying while wearing masks. 

Sometimes it does feel like the bad outweighs the good. But nah, this year has also been pretty good. Things with the fam ain’t too bad, made a couple new friends (also started using dating apps), reconnected with old ones, finally getting to start Friends and even rewatching it too. I mean, even with that whole ass rollercoaster ride with him and all that, I don’t think I’ve too much regrets about it. 

So, yep. A rollercoaster of a year. Great beginnings but also, complications all around. But I guess, that’s just what it is. Life. 

And now, another chapter is coming to a close. I think we (by that I mean internet people idk) made a pact not to expect too much from the new year, cos look what happened last time. But I mean, let’s face it, the bar has been set kinda low, eh?

But well, it’s a new year arriving so I shall not be too negative about it. I’m actually pretty excited. To new beginnings, growth, peace, love and happiness. To more self-love, self-care. And to a fucking new chapter! Cheers! 

X

[chuffyfan87]

Growing Pains. Part 23a

Cowritten with @disastrousintention. Trigger warning for discussion of mental illness.

-x-

December arrived and the whole family were thrilled that they'd all be together for Christmas. Louis had been released from hospital and Jake was coming back from South America for a few weeks. Tensions were bubbling under the surface though - Louis was frustrated that his exams were being postponed til the summer and the twins, Tilly in particular, were lashing out over the fact that their parents had insisted they change schools.

Louis had gone out for a long walk, he hadn’t been seen all morning. Tilly was sulking, her arms folded across her chest. “I don’t want to move schools and I won’t! You can’t make me!”

"We're doing it with your best interests at heart Tots." Duffy attempted to explain.

“I’m not going!”

"Will you at least take a look around the school first?"

“No!”

"Matilda!" Duffy was getting frustrated.

“I have friends at that school!” Tilly yelled and stormed off upstairs to her room. A few seconds later there was a loud bang as she slammed her bedroom door closed.

Duffy sighed, raking her hand through her hair. "That went well..." She harumphed.

Charlie sighed, “She'll come round.” He said gently.

"You say that..." Duffy sighed.

“She’s headstrong and stubborn. She will come round.”

"I hope you're right."

He kissed her cheek. “I hope so too.”

"At least Jake will be home soon. It'll be good to see him after so long."

Charlie wrapped his arms around her waist, “Yeah it will.”

"Let's hope Tilly has stopped sulking by then."

“Depends how much she takes after you.” He whispered in her ear.

"Rude!" Duffy folded her arms and huffed.

He stepped back and removed his hands from around Duffy’s waist. He began to massage her shoulders.

"Don't think that's gunna get round me..." She mumbled.

He continued to massage her shoulders.

She let out a low moan, her head tilting backwards as he continued.

“You’re too tense.” He whispered.

"Mmm..." She agreed.

Charlie placed a gentle kiss against the back of Duffy’s neck.

"Work your magic..." She whispered, a pleading note in her voice.

“Depends what magic we’re talking about.” He whispered back. His hands continued to remove the tension knots in her shoulders.

She let out a loud moan as he hit a particular spot.

“Just there..?” He massaged the area well, giving her another kiss against the back of her neck.

"Ooh yes..!" She moaned.

He massaged that area for a good ten minutes, hoping it would relax her.

She leaned back, her eyes sparkling with mischief as she moved his hand to continue his massage.

“Feel better, babe?” He asked.

"Mmm..." She pressed his hand into her breast.

He removed his hand and moved it under her top. Resting against her bra.

Her moans of pleasure encouraged him on.

“Are you turned on?” He whispered in her ear.

"You know I am."

He moved one of his hands from her breasts and undid her jeans. He slowly moved them down, crouching down behind her and planting two gentle kisses against her arse cheeks.

"Mmm... Yes..." She moaned.

The front door suddenly opened, causing Duffy to let out a squeal of panic and scramble for her clothes.

Charlie chuckled as he watched her.

"I see some things never change." Jake snorted from the kitchen doorway. "Want me to go back outside and give you both a few minutes?" He smirked.

Charlie laughed, “No it’s alright son, we didn’t get started.” He smiled, “You’re looking well.”

"Jake! Why didn't you tell us you were coming home today?" Duffy gasped.

“I wanted it to be a surprise.”

"Its certainly that!" Duffy rushed over to embrace her son, casting her eyes over him.

Jake laughed as he was squashed by his mum. “You look well.” He told her.

She ruffled his hair. "You run out of money for a haircut?" She teased gently.

He rolled his eyes playfully, “No mum.” He kissed her cheek.

"So this is on purpose..?"

“No, I just prefer to spend my money on other things.”

"Leave the poor boy alone Duffy!" Charlie teased her.

She turned around and stuck her tongue out at her husband.

“Thanks for that gorgeous.”

"I'm gunna dump my stuff and get a shower. Krystal will be here soon." Jake explained.

“Alright son.”

Jake headed upstairs, passing Lottie on the landing. "Hey sis."

“Hi.” Lottie smiled sadly.

Jake stopped immediately and turned. "What's wrong?"

“Nout.”

"Where's rent-a-gob?" He chuckled.

“In her room, sulking.”

"Why?"

“Mum says we’ve got to move schools.”

"Ah. Coz of what happened to Louis?"

“Yeah.”

"That sucks but I'm sure she's got her reasons."

“I know. I understand ‘em but Tilly just doesn’t.”

"That's coz she ain't getting her own way." Jake chuckled, purposefully standing outside the twins bedroom door as he spoke.

“Exactly!”

“I heard that!” Tilly called from inside the bedroom.

"You were sposed to." Jake retorted. "Aren't you gunna come give your big brother a hug?"

“No.” Tilly called but the door opened and she embraced her brother.

"You got taller." Jake remarked.

“Have I? I’ve not noticed.” Tilly replied.

"Yeh, are you guys taller than Emmy now or has she grown too?"

“I like to think I’ve grown but who knows.” Emily replied from the top of her stairs with a shrug.

"Nah, you're gunna be the shortest in the family for sure." Jake teased her.

“Might be small but I’m tough stuff.” Emily answered back, “Nice to see you back bro! But what the fuck has happened to your hair?”

"I see you're still morphing into mum!" Jake groaned.

“Not as much as Tilly is.” Emily stuck her tongue out at her brother.

"You're all just freakish mum clones." Jake retorted, laughing.

The girls giggled at their brother's comment.

"I'm gunna get a shower before Krystal gets here."

“Alright bro.”

About half an hour later the doorbell rang.

“That’ll be Krystal.” Charlie called and went to the door.

"Hey Charlie." Krystal smiled. "Jake here?"

“He’s in the shower, tarting himself up.” Charlie laughed.

Krystal laughed. "I saw Louis in town. Don't think he saw me though."

“Is he ok?”

"I called out to him but he didn't reply." She shrugged.

He sighed, “I’m worried about him.”

"Maybe he'll talk to Jake now he's back." She suggested. "Am I OK to head up?"

“Course you are.” Charlie smiled. He closed the door and watched as Krystal headed upstairs.

Five minutes later, Louis came through the front door, he seemed different. He stumbled slightly into the wall.

"Louis!" Duffy gasped, rushing over to help him.

“I’m fine.” His eyes closed slightly. “I went for a run. Pushed myself too hard.”

"Oh Louis! You're supposed to take things steady." Duffy sighed, steering him towards the bottom of the stairs and sitting him down.

“Needed to do something.” He sighed, “Something that didn’t involve hurting everyone.”

"I know it's frustrating but you have to take things one step at a time."

He sighed, “It’s not that...”

"What is it then?"

He shrugged.

"Is it your upcoming assessment in January? Is it worrying you?" She asked.

“The mental health assessment?” He asked quietly.

"Yes."

He didn’t reply for several minutes, “I just don’t know how honest I should be to them about my thoughts.”

"If you want things to get better then you need to be completely honest with them. I know that's really scary..."

“Even if you’re scared of what they might do to you as a result?”

"If you don't then it will just keep happening, it won't get better."

Louis nodded sadly.

"Whatever they say me and your dad will always be here to support you." She promised.

“The fact my exams have been postponed until summer, annoys me.”

"I know it does but think of it this way - it gives you more time to prepare."

“It was giving me something to focus on.”

"You still have it to focus on."

“I know. I’m just....” He sighed, “Frustrated and I’m trying not to let it win. I’m so desperate just to have a hit.” He whispered. “But I know it won’t help.”

She gently placed her arms around his shoulders. "You've come so far in these last few months. I know it's hard, I know it's frustrating but you're winning the battle one step at a time."

Louis nodded. That was true, he was.

"And I know sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back but it's all progress."

“The thoughts are still there sometimes.” He admitted quietly in barely a whisper.

[losangeleslovesyou]

DROP 6: I don't mind being alone. I quite enjoy my own company actually. However choosing to be alone is different from being forced to be alone and that's where the difficulty comes in. You're stuck with yourself, 24 hours of the day, 7 days of the week. There are only so many naps I can take in a day. So this is what happens when the world stops. 2018 was a shit year, to say the least. 2019 was probably the best year of my life. I was doing what I loved and I was on a high. I'm a workaholic. Always have been, probably always will be. Practicing stillness is a challenge. I'm also a creature of habit. If you know me, you know my comfort lies in my red and black scarf around my head, my hot water bottle, a sofa, and a blanket. I'm content. I think about how this time in isolation has impacted my mental health and has brought to light how much I suppress things that I feel super intensely. I hate crying. I feel weak when I cry. I've cried a lot over the past month. Feeling over and underwhelmed somehow. Feeling like I don't have anything valuable to offer because the state of the world is so fucked, what can I ACTUALLY contribute. Nothing really matters and no one really cares. All that self-doubt shit I never imagined thinking. I think about my mum, and how much I want to do and give to her, but I can't do that if there's a fucking pandemic happening and I'm locked up, can I? She doesn't ask for much. All she asks is that I look after myself and do what makes me happy. I started working on an EP early April, with a plan to finish it by the end of the month. Around mid-April I got disheartened and started getting in my own way. That self-doubt shit again. "This isn't good enough, people won't like this, its shit, the mix is trash," everything negative under the sun. My neighbour told me to turn the music down one day, he's working from home. He clearly wasn't as tolerant as Mary. I'd never seen him before, he just moved in next door. I said ok, I asked what his hours were (trying to compromise). "9:30am - 6:30pm", he said. He was cool with the noise after that time. I said ok. He asked if I was playing drums ha. Nah nigga that's that bass. (Osiris' bass that is, I was working on a song to one of his beats, Track 5). I explained what I was working on and he said "ah so this is actually your work too?". I said yes but I wasn't really in the mood for big big convo so I wrapped it up, apologising again for the noise, and then politely kept it moving. Well this is annoying. I like to work on music during the day, I like sunlight. Especially the way it hits through my windows in my living room, makes me feel inspired to be productive. That didn't matter though, because I was already giving up on the EP anyway. I woke up one morning after a hard couple of days feeling sad, low and depressed. Checked my twitter timeline and saw some beautiful photographs somebody had taken, portraits they were. It instantly hit me. I've always known my creativity has no boundaries or limitations and will always stretch way beyond music. Photography is another medium and outlet for me to express myself. It's an instantaneous art form. That's what I love. When I first started, I used to immediately review each shot I'd taken, craving perfection. Deleting on the spot the ones I didn't like. A friend noticed I kept doing that, he's a painter and takes photos also. He told me don't focus on deleting, focus on taking more. After serious procrastination I decided to stop being a lil bitch and cry baby and knuckle down on the EP. I gassed myself up, There's no one else here, I'm alone, I had to. It started to feel good. I started to get really excited, wheeling myself up, spudding myself. I had to. Then I completed it. and when? End of the month just as I'd set out too. Things come full circle in the end don't they? The middle feels like growing pains, self-doubt is a bitch and the only way out is through. Thank you for being the lights that you are. You're all needed, valued, appreciated, and loved. Not just by me of course and I am sure I can speak on behalf of everyone you hold dear in your lives close to you. This is a turbulent time but we don't fold. We don't come from that. We will always be fine. Simbi x Little Simz Drop 6 Age 101 May 6, 2020 1. might bang, might 2. not one life, might live 3. damn right 4. you should call mum 5. where's my lighter ft. alewya

[kickmag]

Little Simz Announces New EP Drop 6

Little Simz announces her new EP Drop 6 that will be released next Wednesday. The London rapper has been making music during the quarantine and she released a statement about the EP:

I don't mind being alone. I quite enjoy my own company actually. However choosing to be alone is different from being forced to be alone and that's where the difficulty comes in. You're stuck with yourself, 24 hours of the day, 7 days of the week. There are only so many naps I can take in a day. So this is what happens when the world stops. 2018 was a shit year, to say the least. 2019 was probably the best year of my life. I was doing what I loved and I was on a high. I'm a workaholic. Always have been, probably always will be. Practicing stillness is a challenge. I'm also a creature of habit. If you know me, you know my comfort lies in my red and black scarf around my head, my hot water bottle, a sofa, and a blanket. I'm content. I think about how this time in isolation has impacted my mental health and has brought to light how much I suppress things that I feel super intensely. I hate crying. I feel weak when I cry. I've cried a lot over the past month. Feeling over and underwhelmed somehow. Feeling like I don't have anything valuable to offer because the state of the world is so fucked, what can I ACTUALLY contribute. Nothing really matters and no one really cares. All that self-doubt shit I never imagined thinking. I think about my mum, and how much I want to do and give to her, but I can't do that if there's a fucking pandemic happening and I'm locked up, can I? She doesn't ask for much. All she asks is that I look after myself and do what makes me happy.

I started working on an EP early April, with a plan to finish it by the end of the month. Around mid-April I got disheartened and started getting in my own way. That self-doubt shit again. "This isn't good enough, people won't like this, its shit, the mix is trash," everything negative under the sun. My neighbour told me to turn the music down one day, he's working from home. He clearly wasn't as tolerant as Mary. I'd never seen him before, he just moved in next door. I said ok, I asked what his hours were (trying to compromise). "9:30am - 6:30pm", he said. He was cool with the noise after that time. I said ok. He asked if I was playing drums ha. Nah nigga that's that bass. (Osiris' bass that is, I was working on a song to one of his beats, Track 5). I explained what I was working on and he said "ah so this is actually your work too?". I said yes but I wasn't really in the mood for big big convo so I wrapped it up, apologising again for the noise, and then politely kept it moving. Well this is annoying. I like to work on music during the day, I like sunlight. Especially the way it hits through my windows in my living room, makes me feel inspired to be productive. That didn't matter though, because I was already giving up on the EP anyway.

I woke up one morning after a hard couple of days feeling sad, low and depressed. Checked my twitter timeline and saw some beautiful photographs somebody had taken, portraits they were. It instantly hit me. I've always known my creativity has no boundaries or limitations and will always stretch way beyond music. Photography is another medium and outlet for me to express myself. It's an instantaneous art form. That's what I love. When I first started, I used to immediately review each shot I'd taken, craving perfection. Deleting on the spot the ones I didn't like. A friend noticed I kept doing that, he's a painter and takes photos also. He told me don't focus on deleting, focus on taking more.

After serious procrastination, I decided to stop being a lil bitch and cry baby and knuckle down on the EP. I gassed myself up, There's no one else here, I'm alone, I had to. It started to feel good. I started to get really excited, wheeling myself up, spudding myself. I had to. Then I completed it. and when? End of the month just as I'd set out too. Things come full circle, in the end, don't they? The middle feels like growing pains, self-doubt is a bitch and the only way out is through. Thank you for being the lights that you are. You're all needed, valued, appreciated, and loved. Not just by me of course and I am sure I can speak on behalf of everyone you hold dear in your lives close to you.

This is a turbulent time but we don't fold. We don't come from that. We will always be fine.

Simbi x                                                   

Drop 6 

1. might bang, might 

2. not one life, might live

3. damn right

4. you should call mum

5. where's my lighter ft. alewya

[nhlhoser]

Sad Boy Hour- Auston Matthews

I started this out of the blue and actually worked on it for hours and I need at least someone to read it.

UNEDITED!!!!! 

Mild mental health warning

‘The bigger they are, the harder they fall’ is correct in more than one aspect of life.

For Auston Matthews, it comes in the form of an injury that sits him for too many games for the second straight season. He was starting to think that his rookie year might have been a fluke to make it through all 82 games.

  It sucked being left in Toronto again as the guys all geared up and played some games without him - winning to put the cherry on top. The fact that his teaming winning leaves him sour does make him feel even worse because he knows he should be supportive even though he isn’t playing. Its probably best case scenario that they continue to win even after their prized centre is sidelined due to injury.

  He had to get over it, he knew it too but he was going to allow himself this one last night to let himself wallow in his own self-pity by going to a quiet upscale bar that he frequents during his downtime to relax.

   A place where no one really knows much about hockey let alone who Auston Matthews was or was going through especially.

   Auston was just a guy that had questionable fashion sense and gives off the vibe off not really knowing what to do with his money. That really draws the girls in when they see him, getting out of his expensive car looking just as expensive.

  He can admit he likes the attention of all people, not just the females, as he knows his muscle are very evident through the tight jeans and Gucci t-shirt he threw on before leaving his place earlier. A light bomber jacket because it does get cold fast in Canada.

  The young valet is, as usual, is distracted by his pretty souped-up car and its gadgets to actually care about him as he strolls into the slightly dimmed light establishment that is void of any type of hockey playing on screens because it’s just not that kind of place.

  He takes his regular spot at the bar that is kinda off to the corner and hidden adding to his already mysterious vide he gives of permanently if you don’t know just how of a goof he is. He waits for the bartender to finish with the other patrons before waving for her.

 Now, unfortunately, Auston has been feeling bad about himself long enough that he is familiar with most of the bartenders here but he is not familiar with this one. She turns to him and is instantly gleaming and for a second he thinks that maybe she might know who is his and his cover is blown but he shakes that thought away quickly.

“What can I get you?” Her smile never breaking as her eyes sparkle.

“uhm...Corona?” It took him a lot longer to answer than he’d like to admit. She quirks a brow at his hesitation before giggling slightly. “Please,” He added bashfully. He could already feel his cheeks start to heat ever so slightly.

“Can I just see you ID?” even though her mouth stopped smiling in favor of a smirk her eyes still held the smile.  When her words actually registered in his head though, he had to stop him from groaning as he reached to into his back pocket to retrieve his wallet.

   Once his ID is in her hands, her face gets serious as she inspects his ID for his age and any indications that it might be a fake.  Her eyes danced between his face and his ID a couple of times before she slid it across the counter and leaned closer.  

  “It's not because I thought you looked underaged but my manager is watching me like a hawk recently,” She smile and spoke low as her body language despite leaning into his space just looked like she was giving his order extra attention- not that he minded.

 “So, no free beer?” He tried adding a flirty tone to it.

She didn’t exactly laugh in his face but it was close as she leaned back with a bit of a snort laugh.

“We’ll see, Auston,” She smirked as she got his beer and carried on with her job,

  Again Auston was left with thoughts, which seemed to one of the main problems he’s been having. Thinking over articles where they have dubbed him officially injury prone and questioned his value to the Leafs if this was going to keep and frankly he was starting to agree.

   Only his third season in and he’s on the IR for the 3rd time.  It was frustrating and his relationships with the people around him were starting to show the effects of his frustration. He his patience was running much thinner than it has ever, he snapped at people he cared about and he regretted almost all of what he would say recently.

   In short, his mental health was taking a bigger hit then shoulder ever did.

 Coach and Dubias have been toying with the idea of taking him on the California swing but they weren’t 100% on it and Auston doesn’t think he's even supposed to know yet but one of his fav PT guys overhead and told him.  He probably thought it would cheer him up but Auston would rather not of known because if he doesn’t end up going it won’t feel as bad.

  “If you don’t like it I can change it you know?”  Blinking at the bottle of un touch beer in front of him, Auston realizing that he has been sitting here practically glaring at the bottle as he got lost in his thoughts.  

 Heat rising in his cheeks, he shakes his head before taking a swig of the alcoholic beverage that already alleviated some stress.  “Just a lot on the brain. I don’t even think I remember setting it down in front of me,” He admits quite sheepishly.

“Well, I’m still new to this but I’ve heard that bartenders make great makeshift therapists?” SHe sounded quite unsure. “Would it happen to do with the shoulder injury you seem to be nursing right now?” Her eyes drifted across his shoulders- his broad shoulders.

 Auston didn’t miss the other places her eyes drift to, like his arm covered in tattoos but of course muscle but he felt like the one that was caught? Doing what? Being sad?

His natural response to emotion is to shrug as he did but of course he winces. Confirming her speculation.

“Nah, I’m good. Just stressed out right now,” He lifted his beer to his lips with his good arms and had a bit of flex to his bicep and watch her face to testing the little hope that he has that she might be into him too.

 When pink rose on her cheeks as her eyes watched arm, this time she was the caught one.

“I didn’t seem to catch your name?” He smirked leaning closer over the bar - avoiding putting pressure on his bad shoulder. The blush was still there when her eyes met his and she knew she was caught checking him out.  Unfaltering though, her lips morphed into a sly smirk and her eyes had a glint that was heated.

“I didn’t throw it,” She pulled off the bar with a wink and walked towards a new customer that sat on the other end of the bar. Leaving Auston just short of gawking at her retreating form.

  Even when he thought he had the upper hand, he didn’t.

He spends more of his night, watching the other people in the bar. All varying degrees of intoxicated. There was a group of 4 men in polish suites clearing coming work, all sat in a booth having a good time all looking more light-hearted in the face then their attire would show.  

  A couple of girls tried their hand on getting his attention but he was more interested in the brown hair beauty working behind the counter who greeted everyone with the same large smile. The way she interacted with people was refreshing because she was still smiling when people walked away or when she was cleaning the mess of the counter.

It was genuine and he was hooked.

  It took a just over an hour of sipping for Auston to finish his beer and he didn’t really plan on getting another because he still had to drive home and be responsible. He didn’t really come here for the alcohol but rather the animosity.

   Scanning the crowd that is starting to build as the night gets later, Auston tried to spot the bartender from before but is disappointed to make eye contacted with a different bartender than his first one. This one comes quickly, laying on the fake smile that doesn’t meet her eyes like his - the first girl. He pays for his drink and starts to get up.

“Dawn,”  A familiar voice shocked him as he turns to see ‘Dawn’/the girl from before standing in front of him. Stopping him from leaving, clearing changed into her street clothes and ready to leave for the night.

“Are you done?” He asked dumbly blinking at her.

“Yes,” She released a breathy laugh that he only wanted to hear more of. “Wanna get out of here?”

“Yes,” He answers may be a little bit too fast but he was game.

“Perfect! How does ice cream sounds?”

Definitely not in his diet plan is how it sounds but “Perfect,”

“Great, you drive and I’ll direct you,” She grasps his hand and leads them out into the nights chill for one of the best nights Auston has had in a long time.

[standing-in-the-rain29]

Interview Tag

Rules: Answer the following questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

I was tagged by @ladyknight-keladry ! Thanks for tagging me, though I fear my answers will leave much to be desired 😬😂 But let’s do it anyway! Here we go:

Nickname: I have a few. The most common is Jess. My mom calls me snugglebug, and my little sister likes to call me muffin-head lol

Pronouns: She/her

Star Sign: Aquarius

Height: 5’ 4”

Current Time: 10:38 pm ... I really need to go to sleep since I have work in the morning. Oh well!

When is your birthday: January 29

Favorite Band/Group/Solo Artist (I grouped these together): BTS, American Authors, Imagine Dragons, Red, Halestorm, Disturbed, Godsmack, Bad Wolves, Daughtry, Demi Lovato, Alesia Cara, The Score, Ava Max, Sam Smith, Daya, Adam Lambert, Halsey, GIMS, Tiziano Ferro, and many more lol My tastes vary with my daydreams at the moment :)

Song Stuck in my Head: My Head & My Heart by Ava Max. Specifically one line: “My mind’s got a mind, mind, mind of it’s own right now and it makes me hate me”

Last Movie Watched: X2 My mom, little sister, and I are watching the X-Men series, so, yeah. We already did Marvel, so we’re making our way through this series before moving on again lol

Last Show Binged: WandaVision. I waited until the entire season was done to watch it, and I binged all of then in two nights 😂 I’m thinking about waiting for TFATWS to finish too before watching? But ughhhhh it’s tough waiting! I love Bucky.

When Did You Creat Your Blog: July 2, 2013. OMG So long ago! My posts were ... interesting back then lol I went through phases, which I guess is t any different! But at least they are healthier?

Last Thing Googled: Toshiba tv reseating cables ... our tv has a wide blue line going down it, and I was trying to figure out how to fix it 😩😩 I’m gonna have to finagle and try things I’m it sure I’m good at. So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it’ll be interesting.

Other Blogs: Nope! I’ve only had this one! Cuz I’m weird lol

Who Chose Your URL: Me!! I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out back then and randomly chose it because ... rain is awesome lol Haven’t changed it because I don’t like change.

Do you get asks: Sometimes? Not often, which is both good and meh. Meh because I do like the attention, I think. Good because I am so awkward! My mood changes a lot between hyper/confident so I say whatever and don’t care what people think (right now for instance) to overthinking/low self esteem where I don’t know what to say, don’t want to say something wrong, get an answer wrong, and so on. It’s rough. My mental health is a slippery slope. Whelp.

How many people do you follow: 167

How many people follow you: 186!!! Holy cannoli guys! Thank you 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I honestly don’t care if people follow me or not. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of making friends on here, but this blog is for me. My safe space where only one person in the world knows me in real life (and she’s never on lol), so yup.

Lucky number: uhhhh 29?

Instrument: Hah! That’s funny. Me? Play an instrument? Nah. Took a piano class in college as an elective ... played by ear and got by, but don’t remember any of it!

Currently wearing: I’m in bed, about to sleep, so my pajamas. Which is basically a huge shirt lol Not that you needed to know that ... I may delete later tbh

Dream job: Man ... I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure this shit out. All the stress. But if money wasn’t an option ... something with the ocean. With animals. Idk what exactly, or where, but I seriously love the ocean. It’s calm yet unforgiving. I don’t live by an ocean, but I would love to. Just ... not where hurricanes hit lol because fuck that.

Dream trip: Shark diving with great white sharks :) Or something my little sister wants, and therefore spend time with her and my family while having fun. Both are good.

Favorite food: CHOCOLATE! I love chocolate. No lie. So good. Pizza, macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, salad (yummmmmy) ... basically carbs, cheese, chocolate, and some healthy things lol

Favorite Song: Why. How could you? Why put me in this situation! My mind went completely blank! It changes constantly. Depends on many things. I’ll give you my top 5 songs from last year on Spotify: ON by BTS, What About Us by P!nk, Ya Habibi by Mohamed Ramadan (totally found this on accident while looking for Nicky/Joe Old Guard songs and omg yesssss!), Daechwita by Agust D, and Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi.

Top three fictional universes you’d like to live it: Sooo. I have literally no idea??? Are we talking movies, books, shows, all of the above?? Ahhh. Guys. This is stressful. It shouldn’t be, right? Idk. I’m going to skip because I have no clue, and it’s stressing me out. Sorry?

Alright! That was a wild ride. Now it’s time for me tag people. If any of my followers want to do this, go for it! And for those I tag, you don’t have to do it! Here are my tags: @alona-marinelli , @spookydefendordreamer , @justagirlwithhercat , and @just-a-rather-ace-ravenpuff . So like. I’m tired. And tagging isn’t hard normally, but right now it is, so sorry if I forgot anyone that I talk to, that reblogs me a lot, that I reblog a lot, or so on. If I forgot anyone, I’m sorry! Please do it if you want to, or not! You do you. All the love xx 🤗🤗🤗

[professionalplaymate]

Time to smash some goals

I have officially dictated the supplies I have in the fridge last until Thursday - so until Friday. And then I think I can stretch it out until the weekend. Rationing my food supplies which is good for me and a good mental exercise. Attempting to find a residence that has a rent of max $800 over the next month.

I think OnlyFans, FanCentro, and Patreon will be good avenues for me. I think I can reach $10K monthly income with OnlyFans ... just by posting exclusive photos. I posted a really good one just now - and I will promote heavy via social media. I start taking bookings in May in my opinion.

So, lay low until like April 15th - and then keep on working. I made $100 already in 4 days. I want to keep it up... just posted an IG story, will update IG in a bit. I think I can make $1K by April 11th ... 100 subscribers means $1K, not including tips. And I want to steadily increase that number ...

The amateurs who haven’t diversified or saved their income are struggling ... I feel for them. I get it. But for me - I am intent on surviving. And I think I can make my current shipment of foods last until April 30th, if not longer. So that means reduced spending. And because my surgery is postponed, there’s a greater incentive to save money and see if I can make a recovery: what would be excellent is if I made enough income via OnlyFans to cover living expenditures and other “upgrades” - for instance, beauty enhancements to raise rates, better wardrobe, teeth and health checkups, and savings as well.

My goal would be - make $10K a month via OnlyFans, then maybe an additional $5-8K via FanCentro, then create a separate Patreon with high-quality, magazine-like photos with different tiers. I would make a separate Instagram and Twitter to promote the Patreon. I would want the Patreon to rake in maybe $20K, if possible. That would be later on.

If I could sell content... and then consistently make like a base of $40K or so, that would be excellent. And then the base of $40K is guaranteed income which I do with my spare time - when I cannot freestyle - and supplements my expenses. Like in NYC, I think it would be 1) online escorting and leveraging all potential avenues, 2) freestyling at weekdays / the nighttime consistently, and 3) on weekends where freestyling is trash, to focus on creating content. And I could pre-film it, queue it, and then see the money rain in while I work on the side.

I feel like I don’t want to be taken care of right now... I need to explore, to improve myself, to perfect my brand, and to move forth.

I also think moving forth I want to break $xxx, xxx in monthly income. That would be excellent. Having multiple sources of income... that’s the way to go. And never being desperate. I would like to be a hooker legend. Until I have multiple properties, multiple streams of income, etc ...

So what’s the next move? I have a massive rebrand planned - and I think my current clientele base can afford it. But I’m always upgrading of course - looking for better. Perfecting the tactic, perfecting the energy.

I’ve been using old photos to promote my OnlyFans. My goal is to boost my Twitter reach - and to perfect the base there - and so reach a certain number of followers, maybe like 5K, and then do a whole rebranding - change all my photos, change all of the writing, raise my rates heavily - after I have a solid base on Twitter, IG, and OnlyFans - then launch FanCentro.

And afterwards... launch Patreon, and create a separate page for it. Given the fact that I can create an Instagram first ... I think I can easily boost my following. It will be an excellent project in my opinion and a personal prestige boost - it has a lot of income potential on its own given how social media is largely used for selling content now. And so I will make a “magazine”.

And yay! I got another subscriber. I will post in the morning. Nah, let’s smash some goals... I want to make $15K on OnlyFans if possible... $15K a month ... and then let’s try and hit $30K on Patreon... but more is always better.

Lol, so - moving forth - we are going to be like machines. I think my decision to stay might be good. And I’ll post many times on my OnlyFans. Goal for April is to make at least $3K. Goal for May? To make $10K! Possibly more. I’m thinking, what if I get my Invisalign, my LASIK, and the rest all at the same time? Sounds like it will be far more optimal.

Since events are cancelled until the next year ... I think right now is the perfect time to refine everything. Perfect the physical appearance; perfect the income base; perfect the diversified income streams; set up the plan for next year; perfect the online brand; perfect the freestyling technique.

[flauntpage]

Michael Porter, Jr. Wants to Win an NBA Title Now

At the 2018 NBA draft, no player's draft slot fell further below his talent level than Michael Porter Jr., the 6'10" phenom who left his senior year of high school as the prohibitive favorite to get selected first, but finished college with serious question marks.

Two back surgeries and 30 total points during three underwhelming games at the University of Missouri later, he's on the Denver Nuggets, facing tempered expectations and questions about his short and long-term health. We sat down with Porter Jr. to talk about his rehab, when he plans on getting back out there, the controversial player comparisons he made right before the draft, and much more.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

VICE Sports: How did you spend your summer?

Michael Porter Jr.: Before the draft, I was in Chicago doing my pre-draft stuff. Then the draft happened and I came right out here to Denver and got right to work, rehabbing, you know, just trying to get healthy as quick as possible with these great physical therapists over here.

I assume you’re adjusted to the Mile High air?

Well, man, we’ve been traveling, so you get adjusted but then you go somewhere—we were in San Diego and then L.A. for ten days, so we came back here and you had to get used to it all over again.

How physically active are you right now, so far as the thin air can have an impact?

I’m doing a lot of cardio stuff. When I first got out here it was less, but as soon as I started doing the cardio stuff I felt it in the air. And now I’m doing a lot of cardio and you can definitely feel it but I’m definitely getting used to it. You just gotta drink a lot of water. Over time it gets easier.

I assume you don’t physically feel as you did before your surgeries, but can you tell me what you can’t do now that, say, three years ago you had no problem with?

Well like right now, feeling wise, I feel like I can do a lot of things that I used to be able to do. The thing is there’s a weird gap between when you feel good and when you are all the way healed, so I’m trying right now to let my body heal. They’re taking it really slow with me, but I’m feeling really good, I’m doing a lot of things, moving a lot. But right now they’re just being careful and making sure I don’t have to deal with anything like this ever again.

You recently said that there’s no timetable for your return. Is there any update on that?

It’s still pretty open-ended. I’m just taking it day-by-day and how I feel, but the good thing is every day we’re making progress and getting better.

The Nuggets are treating you with the long-term in mind. What specifically does that mean? What are they having you do on a day-in, day-out basis?

Well right now I’m progressing every week. I’m in the weight room, I’m doing a lot of cardio, a lot of lifting, you know I’m on the court doing my skill development in the morning. But right now it’s just taking it easy. Every week I’m progressing instead of just going 0 to 100. But I’m doing a lot of things, man! It’s just being smart with it and doing the right amount, and not doing too much.

Are there any weekly or monthly goals you’re trying to hit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every week we’re in the weight room doing more weight. I’m doing some running and jumping now, but [at the beginning] they’d say "next week we’re gonna do some jumping so get ready" or "next week we’re gonna do some jogging" so it was weekly goals like that.

Obviously you’ll never know what would’ve happened had any other team drafted you, but do you feel any benefit in knowing you're somewhere that doesn’t “need” you right away as opposed to a different organization that’s in an earlier stage of their rebuild. I’d imagine there’s less pressure?

Definitely. There’s definitely a lot less pressure and it’s just cool, like, being able to go to the games and being around a team that’s already winning, already doing really good. I really feel like there’s no better situation for me just because the team is young and we’re already a really good team so I feel like as I get healthier and as I get on the court we’ll be even better. I’m so happy to be here, and I think it all worked out for the best.

How would you describe your state of mind right now. Are you frustrated, calm, accepting of your situation?

It really just depends on the day. There are days where I’m super, super optimistic. Feeling up, attacking rehab. I attack rehab every day but there’s definitely those days where you’re like "man," you watch your guys, you watch them play in L.A. against LeBron and you wish you were out there. But it’s really just keeping a level head and know that I’m gonna be back. It’s just a matter of time. And just being patient. That’s really the main thing, patience.

I don’t want to get too dark here, but what was the low point for you, mentally over the past couple years?

I would definitely say that morning before my second pro day. I had my first pro day and I killed it. I got a lot of good feedback from a lot of teams. But then my second pro day, in front of the top ten teams, it was two days before that I woke up and my back wasn’t...it wasn’t even my back it was my hip wasn’t feeling right. And just knowing something was wrong and knowing I wouldn’t be able to perform. Because I knew as soon as I woke up that day that I wasn’t gonna be able to perform. That was definitely the low point, knowing that I was going to have to go through this whole thing. But everything worked out.

Did you know how serious things were that morning, physically?

I wouldn’t say like, I didn’t know if I would need surgery, but I did know...I didn’t know that it was this bad, but I just thought that after a couple days it might wear off.

Before the draft you compared yourself to Kevin Durant, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and Tracy McGrady. Did you pay attention to the public’s reaction after you made those comparisons?

[Laughs] Yeah, yeah I saw it. I mean I saw people, it was a wide range of stuff. But I don’t really pay attention to that stuff. I wasn’t really saying that, you know, I feel like I’m on that level right now, even though I do, I have a lot of confidence in myself and I’m not gonna say anybody’s better than me. I was just saying, the question asked was "who do people compare you to" and that’s what I said. People sometimes compare me to KD, they compare me to [Giannis], they compare me to Tracy McGrady. I wasn’t really trying to say I’m as good as those guys right now.

You mentioned LeBron and Denver going up against the Lakers recently. Is there a player in mind that you can’t wait to face?

I mean all of them. Really I just want to get back on the court. But I would probably say KD, just because I’ve been compared to him. Going up against him, he’s the best scorer in the NBA. You know I feel like I’m a pretty good scorer, so I’d like to see me matched up against him.

"I want us to win the whole thing."

What are your personal expectations for the season?

I would say my personal goals for the team is to win an NBA championship, and that’s just because I’ve never been one to shy away from having the biggest goals possible. I remember my high-school team was 3-21 the year before we came and the first day of practice I told the team our goal is to win a national championship and be the best team. Other people hearing that would’ve never thought that, but that’s just how I am. We went undefeated that year and so for this team I would say the goal is to definitely be a playoff team but taking it even further for me, I want us to win the whole thing. I don’t see...I mean everybody has to get on the basketball court and play, you know what I mean?

I respect how bold you are.

[laughs] I won’t say that I...I mean the odds obviously aren’t in our favor. The Golden State Warriors are an amazing team but I would say just having that in mind, the only thing you can do is, you know you have nothing to lose. Just go for it.

I got you. Are you expecting to be on the court at some point this season?

Really it’s just up to those guys. Obviously I want to and feel I’ll be able to, but it’s up to those guys and how they think I’m doing, and how I feel that I’m doing as time progresses.

And when you say "those guys" you mean Denver’s front office?

No not even the front office, just the guys I’m doing rehab with every day. The physical therapists, they kind of let everybody know how we’re doing. And it’s the same thing for Jarred [Vanderbilt] and [Isaiah Thomas]. Every week we try to get better and there’s not really a timetable for it.

How do you think your game fits in with Jamal Murray, Nikola Jokic, Gary Harris, and all the other members of Denver’s core who’re young and on your timeline?

I feel like it blends in perfectly and I feel like one thing we’re kind of missing is at the three position. I mean we have guys that can play the three, we don’t really have any natural small forwards. And so I think me, I’d be a big help for that, especially on the defensive side. I’m 6’10” and able to guard some guys. But I just feel like the unselfish nature of our team is perfect for me, and just the way they share the ball, get up and down and score the ball, it’s really the ideal fit for me, and how Coach Malone lets his guys play and trusts them on the floor, it’s perfect for me.

What advice has I.T. given you?

That’s my bro. We’ve gotten really close, just spending a lot of time together. We’re open about how we feel about stuff. There’s hard days and I love to talk to him during those days. He goes through the same kind of stuff that I do. And so that’s kind of what we talk about.

Have any other NBA players reached out, or have you reached out to anyone looking for advice?

Nah, I mean I talk to a lot of guys but I wouldn’t say that I necessarily take advice from them. The people that I take advice from are my parents, my family members, just staying close with them.

What was the biggest purchase you made after you signed your first NBA contract?

I’m a simple guy but I did buy my mom a car. That’s definitely the most money that I’ve spent on a single thing. Other than that I’ve just been chillin'. It was the newest version of a Ford Flex, which is what she had before and she loved it. I have seven siblings and we’re all tall and that car has a lot of space. It’s her favorite car. I got to surprise her with that.

Speaking of cars, what can you tell me about your Autotrader spot and how you got involved with them?

Well you know, me being a rookie car buyer, Autotrader has the largest variety of cars to choose from and they’re always looking to make the car buying process easier, so me being a rookie, not really knowing too much about cars, I just wanted to partner with them. They help you make the smartest decisions. I also did a video shoot with them because you know me being a rookie, not playing yet, I’m still doing other stuff. Contributing with the team, working on my game, and we did a little video that kind of put a funny spin on that, and the fans can check that out on my instagram.

Michael Porter, Jr. Wants to Win an NBA Title Now published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[subjectsilver]

my psyche and wormy be ruthless sometimes.

originally i told myself that i was only going to use tumblr every sunday to log what has happened throughout the week or anything noticeable or note worthy but i literally need to type this right now because I'm losing my goddamn mind and on the verge of a panic attack...i can feel my chest tightening and my heart has such a “funny” feeling that isn't so funny so idk why they call it that... its like a light feeling like when u get light headed - i feel light hearted rn

the absolute worst part about my depression is that it literally just comes and goes whenever it wants. obviously theres things that help trigger it, a song a picture of my ex friends snapchats, any object that i can play connect the dots with back to a single thought that can disrupt my entire mental.

and it hit me tonight and it hit me hard and tonight I'm trying not to run away from it. I'm not going to go smoke cigarettes and listen to music until 5 am I'm trying to just type what is going on instead of like holding it into my head. or type something at least. the thing about it is that whenever it hits me, i always find a way to make it so much worse.... like i see just the right combination of words or objects to sink me or look at pictures of emma and even though i know its hurting me i continue to do it anyway....maybe its because in that moment I'm actually feeling something, she is making me feel something just like she use to in the past. i really valued that until i became too grey and numb and hopeless.

i feel like throwing up

i used “ex” up there and  makes me feel really uneasy i haven't used it very much at all mainly because i have to explain myself to anyone here and I've only told a few people what is going on with me. That was good thought because i have a friend named hank who went through some shit too so he kind of connects with me but still not a person i would talk to about shit...i don't really have anyone for that so i don't really know... sometimes i type it all and erase it, sometimes i make songs, sometimes i say it out laid sometimes i just cry.

i started taking prozac 3 days ago this will be the fourth, so hopefully that'll help  me. Im still underweight as fuck but oddly I'm comfortable with it bc i like the way my shirts feel and clothes fit, unfortunately i need to gain like 20 pounds if i want to exist on this soccer team which is kinda mad. I was going to suggest leaving wake because i don't really even care to play soccer rn. and i realized a while back that all i needed was in ohio... like i had the best friends the girl of my dreams and i could've had a 1st year internship paying between 40-70k at some health company under my step dad... its kinda shitty because its something i wanted to tell everyone and i would always think about how disappointed my dad would be and how supportive my mom would be but something told me not do make moves with any of it. its like the universe knew i was going to go through some shit. like it knew i was gonna get low and the perfect image of life i had in my head up. like bitch u thought you'd plant roots,,,nahhhhhhtttt  

i keep listening to this song on repeat

https://soundcloud.com/yvpoipoi/maxence-cyrin-where-is-my-mind

but the real is back the ville is back

i fucking hated listening to cole until like 2 weeks ago. it was so annoying listening to cole bc of hani playing it literally all the time. when things like that get annoying they because white noise to me. but recently i went through his 3 most recent projects and actually listened heavily to the words and that shit is crazy.

i also have been paying a lot of attention to jay z and beyonce. i guess jay z had an affair or some shit and ten he and “once” went back and forth on songs about it... but i read this quote by him where he was like “our relationship was built on top of lies, and i had to tear it down and build it back up again and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.” thats the kind of shit that gives me hope in the world of relationships. I've accepted that its probably false hope but ill hold onto anything the keeps me going at this point...

my suicidal thoughts haven't been present the last few days but i never know if and when those will come back. to be truthful I've been stacking up on things in my camera roll that give me up for when I'm feeling low.

the light hearted feeling has subsided, i just realized it. i kinda of ignore all grammatical practices when i write freely. i just go with my own language because i feel like its more personal ya know. someone i know annotates her own letters that she use to write me and i always loved that shit because i have so many side thoughts when i write as well.

luke christophers album finally came out and what do you know 5 of the songs had already been released and some like a year ago so its barely anything knew but it still has new music and bangers so i do appreciate the legend himself. after seeing his hair blonde on the cover idk if I'm going to keep growing my hair black or re-dye it. maybe ill keep it blonde until i feel like I'm above 80% better or something  right now i feel about -7% (if i could annotate that line id tell you that i originally wrote -7 person instead of percent then i autocorrected person then backspaced it to a symbol) 

the last few days I've felt really weak though and I've been sleeping a lot like two days ago i got like 11 hours and yesterday i got like 10 and I've been taking naps during the day. but I've constantly felt like I've had low blood sugar or that I've been dehydrated or something. i can't even make a fist and squeeze that hard.

its crazy because when i type anything about myself ever i just start tearing up for no reason...happy thoughts sad thoughts dark thoughts i could be writing about my microwave and be tearing up. and i do it a lot with emma or my best friends or my ex and ex best friends idk what anyone is to me anymore. been too focussed on trying to survive, which i feel is the correct selfish thing to do for once.

“don't give a fuck and they love you do give a fuck and they hate you - I'm always gone be there for you”

this man luke in onto something

its crazy that i will leave my phone in my room from 7:30 am to 7-8 at night and the only notification that ill get is “your phone hasn't been backed up in 57 weeks” or some shit like that. occasionally ill receive a random text from someone but its funny because sometimes on the inside ill be screaming like “PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME” and then it happens and its like nah.. i thought i sent out an amber alert but really I'm sending out a batman bat symbol. i thought i needed anyone to talk to, but in reality i just need one singular person to talk to. that was my mistake, will always be my mistake but at least i recognize it now...just a little late there big guy.

having so much time to myself probably too much time to myself is really interesting...if you've ever thought that you've done real reflection, submerge yourself in complete loneliness and isolation and try again because its so much deeper. you think about everything. every individual relationship, every right every wrong multiple perspectives. you think about all of your problems and the root to your problems.  all of your mistakes why u caused these mistakes or what caused these mistakes. its actually really shitty because the bad will always stick out more than the good because the good is what is suppose to happen and the bad is the variable...variables get more attention than the constants i feel. deep down i don't think I'm a shitty human being.. even though i might think that a lot or hate myself...ik I'm only human and i can't be perfect and as much as id love for everyone to love me and me to not hurt anyone its more than likely unrealistic and it'll happen to me and already has happened to me and now i understand that and i will be more forgiving as i go on in life, the same forgiveness id want people to give me.

i use to think that everything had to work in reciprocality like for some reason i always thought everything should be equal all of the time..but i was extremely wrong, some people need more some people need less some people expect things and if they mean anything to you, the extra effort should hinder you or disrupt you...every human has a different way of looking at relationships and when those ways collide and don't add up it creates problem. I'm not saying people should give up in what they believe in but people should be less harsh about it... i know people who should be less harsh on me and i know people that i will be less harsh on and who i would be less harsh on if i could go back in time.

i tried to think about why I'm so afraid of butterflies and i can't really think of what happened along the way that got me here but i think the very root is the movie “butterfly effect” I'm also pretty sure they are remaking that movie into a 2018 version and ill probably go scare the fuck out of myself while seeing it.

my anxiety was gone until thinking about butterflies 

i tried to explain a fear of butterflies to this kid named mike and i sounded like an absolute idiot and then his response was “does this scare you” and it was the close up of a butterfly from this spongebob episode and i can't get it out of my head.... i think the video is called “wormy close up”

 fuck wormy

usually id think something so symmetrical was beautiful seeing has my old tendencies make me love symmetrically and i do things in that way like when i touch my feet to surfaces and shit bc i feel all neat and organized but i don't like that every butterfly ever is symmetrical as fuck...like show why what the hell. and i want to watch a video on it but i don't want to go into shock or some shit.

and they have wings that flap which is what i hate about bugs in general.

to be fair though i do like butterflies that have bright blue or white wings cus i use to see those a lot as a kid when my backyard was a golf course. but my vision of a butterfly with like brown wings and black borders gahhhh fuck that....id weather let a centipede crawl on me from head to toe than a butterfly land on me to put in in perspective. 

idk man i think this post has done for me what i thought it would do what i intended it to do...i have to be up in like 3 and a half wish hours then run for an hour then ill take a solid nap for like 5 hours or just sleep pt.2 but i must be going... until next time or sunday.

i love you

fuck wormy

goodnight

[flauntpage]

Michael Porter, Jr. Wants to Win an NBA Title Now

At the 2018 NBA draft, no player's draft slot fell further below his talent level than Michael Porter Jr., the 6'10" phenom who left his senior year of high school as the prohibitive favorite to get selected first, but finished college with serious question marks.

Two back surgeries and 30 total points during three underwhelming games at the University of Missouri later, he's on the Denver Nuggets, facing tempered expectations and questions about his short and long-term health. We sat down with Porter Jr. to talk about his rehab, when he plans on getting back out there, the controversial player comparisons he made right before the draft, and much more.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

VICE Sports: How did you spend your summer?

Michael Porter Jr.: Before the draft, I was in Chicago doing my pre-draft stuff. Then the draft happened and I came right out here to Denver and got right to work, rehabbing, you know, just trying to get healthy as quick as possible with these great physical therapists over here.

I assume you’re adjusted to the Mile High air?

Well, man, we’ve been traveling, so you get adjusted but then you go somewhere—we were in San Diego and then L.A. for ten days, so we came back here and you had to get used to it all over again.

How physically active are you right now, so far as the thin air can have an impact?

I’m doing a lot of cardio stuff. When I first got out here it was less, but as soon as I started doing the cardio stuff I felt it in the air. And now I’m doing a lot of cardio and you can definitely feel it but I’m definitely getting used to it. You just gotta drink a lot of water. Over time it gets easier.

I assume you don’t physically feel as you did before your surgeries, but can you tell me what you can’t do now that, say, three years ago you had no problem with?

Well like right now, feeling wise, I feel like I can do a lot of things that I used to be able to do. The thing is there’s a weird gap between when you feel good and when you are all the way healed, so I’m trying right now to let my body heal. They’re taking it really slow with me, but I’m feeling really good, I’m doing a lot of things, moving a lot. But right now they’re just being careful and making sure I don’t have to deal with anything like this ever again.

You recently said that there’s no timetable for your return. Is there any update on that?

It’s still pretty open-ended. I’m just taking it day-by-day and how I feel, but the good thing is every day we’re making progress and getting better.

The Nuggets are treating you with the long-term in mind. What specifically does that mean? What are they having you do on a day-in, day-out basis?

Well right now I’m progressing every week. I’m in the weight room, I’m doing a lot of cardio, a lot of lifting, you know I’m on the court doing my skill development in the morning. But right now it’s just taking it easy. Every week I’m progressing instead of just going 0 to 100. But I’m doing a lot of things, man! It’s just being smart with it and doing the right amount, and not doing too much.

Are there any weekly or monthly goals you’re trying to hit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every week we’re in the weight room doing more weight. I’m doing some running and jumping now, but [at the beginning] they’d say "next week we’re gonna do some jumping so get ready" or "next week we’re gonna do some jogging" so it was weekly goals like that.

Obviously you’ll never know what would’ve happened had any other team drafted you, but do you feel any benefit in knowing you're somewhere that doesn’t “need” you right away as opposed to a different organization that’s in an earlier stage of their rebuild. I’d imagine there’s less pressure?

Definitely. There’s definitely a lot less pressure and it’s just cool, like, being able to go to the games and being around a team that’s already winning, already doing really good. I really feel like there’s no better situation for me just because the team is young and we’re already a really good team so I feel like as I get healthier and as I get on the court we’ll be even better. I’m so happy to be here, and I think it all worked out for the best.

How would you describe your state of mind right now. Are you frustrated, calm, accepting of your situation?

It really just depends on the day. There are days where I’m super, super optimistic. Feeling up, attacking rehab. I attack rehab every day but there’s definitely those days where you’re like "man," you watch your guys, you watch them play in L.A. against LeBron and you wish you were out there. But it’s really just keeping a level head and know that I’m gonna be back. It’s just a matter of time. And just being patient. That’s really the main thing, patience.

I don’t want to get too dark here, but what was the low point for you, mentally over the past couple years?

I would definitely say that morning before my second pro day. I had my first pro day and I killed it. I got a lot of good feedback from a lot of teams. But then my second pro day, in front of the top ten teams, it was two days before that I woke up and my back wasn’t...it wasn’t even my back it was my hip wasn’t feeling right. And just knowing something was wrong and knowing I wouldn’t be able to perform. Because I knew as soon as I woke up that day that I wasn’t gonna be able to perform. That was definitely the low point, knowing that I was going to have to go through this whole thing. But everything worked out.

Did you know how serious things were that morning, physically?

I wouldn’t say like, I didn’t know if I would need surgery, but I did know...I didn’t know that it was this bad, but I just thought that after a couple days it might wear off.

Before the draft you compared yourself to Kevin Durant, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and Tracy McGrady. Did you pay attention to the public’s reaction after you made those comparisons?

[Laughs] Yeah, yeah I saw it. I mean I saw people, it was a wide range of stuff. But I don’t really pay attention to that stuff. I wasn’t really saying that, you know, I feel like I’m on that level right now, even though I do, I have a lot of confidence in myself and I’m not gonna say anybody’s better than me. I was just saying, the question asked was "who do people compare you to" and that’s what I said. People sometimes compare me to KD, they compare me to [Giannis], they compare me to Tracy McGrady. I wasn’t really trying to say I’m as good as those guys right now.

You mentioned LeBron and Denver going up against the Lakers recently. Is there a player in mind that you can’t wait to face?

I mean all of them. Really I just want to get back on the court. But I would probably say KD, just because I’ve been compared to him. Going up against him, he’s the best scorer in the NBA. You know I feel like I’m a pretty good scorer, so I’d like to see me matched up against him.

"I want us to win the whole thing."

What are your personal expectations for the season?

I would say my personal goals for the team is to win an NBA championship, and that’s just because I’ve never been one to shy away from having the biggest goals possible. I remember my high-school team was 3-21 the year before we came and the first day of practice I told the team our goal is to win a national championship and be the best team. Other people hearing that would’ve never thought that, but that’s just how I am. We went undefeated that year and so for this team I would say the goal is to definitely be a playoff team but taking it even further for me, I want us to win the whole thing. I don’t see...I mean everybody has to get on the basketball court and play, you know what I mean?

I respect how bold you are.

[laughs] I won’t say that I...I mean the odds obviously aren’t in our favor. The Golden State Warriors are an amazing team but I would say just having that in mind, the only thing you can do is, you know you have nothing to lose. Just go for it.

I got you. Are you expecting to be on the court at some point this season?

Really it’s just up to those guys. Obviously I want to and feel I’ll be able to, but it’s up to those guys and how they think I’m doing, and how I feel that I’m doing as time progresses.

And when you say "those guys" you mean Denver’s front office?

No not even the front office, just the guys I’m doing rehab with every day. The physical therapists, they kind of let everybody know how we’re doing. And it’s the same thing for Jarred [Vanderbilt] and [Isaiah Thomas]. Every week we try to get better and there’s not really a timetable for it.

How do you think your game fits in with Jamal Murray, Nikola Jokic, Gary Harris, and all the other members of Denver’s core who’re young and on your timeline?

I feel like it blends in perfectly and I feel like one thing we’re kind of missing is at the three position. I mean we have guys that can play the three, we don’t really have any natural small forwards. And so I think me, I’d be a big help for that, especially on the defensive side. I’m 6’10” and able to guard some guys. But I just feel like the unselfish nature of our team is perfect for me, and just the way they share the ball, get up and down and score the ball, it’s really the ideal fit for me, and how Coach Malone lets his guys play and trusts them on the floor, it’s perfect for me.

What advice has I.T. given you?

That’s my bro. We’ve gotten really close, just spending a lot of time together. We’re open about how we feel about stuff. There’s hard days and I love to talk to him during those days. He goes through the same kind of stuff that I do. And so that’s kind of what we talk about.

Have any other NBA players reached out, or have you reached out to anyone looking for advice?

Nah, I mean I talk to a lot of guys but I wouldn’t say that I necessarily take advice from them. The people that I take advice from are my parents, my family members, just staying close with them.

What was the biggest purchase you made after you signed your first NBA contract?

I’m a simple guy but I did buy my mom a car. That’s definitely the most money that I’ve spent on a single thing. Other than that I’ve just been chillin'. It was the newest version of a Ford Flex, which is what she had before and she loved it. I have seven siblings and we’re all tall and that car has a lot of space. It’s her favorite car. I got to surprise her with that.

Speaking of cars, what can you tell me about your Autotrader spot and how you got involved with them?

Well you know, me being a rookie car buyer, Autotrader has the largest variety of cars to choose from and they’re always looking to make the car buying process easier, so me being a rookie, not really knowing too much about cars, I just wanted to partner with them. They help you make the smartest decisions. I also did a video shoot with them because you know me being a rookie, not playing yet, I’m still doing other stuff. Contributing with the team, working on my game, and we did a little video that kind of put a funny spin on that, and the fans can check that out on my instagram.

Michael Porter, Jr. Wants to Win an NBA Title Now published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

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Michael Porter, Jr. Wants to Win an NBA Title Now

At the 2018 NBA draft, no player's draft slot fell further below his talent level than Michael Porter Jr., the 6'10" phenom who left his senior year of high school as the prohibitive favorite to get selected first, but finished college with serious question marks.

Two back surgeries and 30 total points during three underwhelming games at the University of Missouri later, he's on the Denver Nuggets, facing tempered expectations and questions about his short and long-term health. We sat down with Porter Jr. to talk about his rehab, when he plans on getting back out there, the controversial player comparisons he made right before the draft, and much more.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

VICE Sports: How did you spend your summer?

Michael Porter Jr.: Before the draft, I was in Chicago doing my pre-draft stuff. Then the draft happened and I came right out here to Denver and got right to work, rehabbing, you know, just trying to get healthy as quick as possible with these great physical therapists over here.

I assume you’re adjusted to the Mile High air?

Well, man, we’ve been traveling, so you get adjusted but then you go somewhere—we were in San Diego and then L.A. for ten days, so we came back here and you had to get used to it all over again.

How physically active are you right now, so far as the thin air can have an impact?

I’m doing a lot of cardio stuff. When I first got out here it was less, but as soon as I started doing the cardio stuff I felt it in the air. And now I’m doing a lot of cardio and you can definitely feel it but I’m definitely getting used to it. You just gotta drink a lot of water. Over time it gets easier.

I assume you don’t physically feel as you did before your surgeries, but can you tell me what you can’t do now that, say, three years ago you had no problem with?

Well like right now, feeling wise, I feel like I can do a lot of things that I used to be able to do. The thing is there’s a weird gap between when you feel good and when you are all the way healed, so I’m trying right now to let my body heal. They’re taking it really slow with me, but I’m feeling really good, I’m doing a lot of things, moving a lot. But right now they’re just being careful and making sure I don’t have to deal with anything like this ever again.

You recently said that there’s no timetable for your return. Is there any update on that?

It’s still pretty open-ended. I’m just taking it day-by-day and how I feel, but the good thing is every day we’re making progress and getting better.

The Nuggets are treating you with the long-term in mind. What specifically does that mean? What are they having you do on a day-in, day-out basis?

Well right now I’m progressing every week. I’m in the weight room, I’m doing a lot of cardio, a lot of lifting, you know I’m on the court doing my skill development in the morning. But right now it’s just taking it easy. Every week I’m progressing instead of just going 0 to 100. But I’m doing a lot of things, man! It’s just being smart with it and doing the right amount, and not doing too much.

Are there any weekly or monthly goals you’re trying to hit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every week we’re in the weight room doing more weight. I’m doing some running and jumping now, but [at the beginning] they’d say "next week we’re gonna do some jumping so get ready" or "next week we’re gonna do some jogging" so it was weekly goals like that.

Obviously you’ll never know what would’ve happened had any other team drafted you, but do you feel any benefit in knowing you're somewhere that doesn’t “need” you right away as opposed to a different organization that’s in an earlier stage of their rebuild. I’d imagine there’s less pressure?

Definitely. There’s definitely a lot less pressure and it’s just cool, like, being able to go to the games and being around a team that’s already winning, already doing really good. I really feel like there’s no better situation for me just because the team is young and we’re already a really good team so I feel like as I get healthier and as I get on the court we’ll be even better. I’m so happy to be here, and I think it all worked out for the best.

How would you describe your state of mind right now. Are you frustrated, calm, accepting of your situation?

It really just depends on the day. There are days where I’m super, super optimistic. Feeling up, attacking rehab. I attack rehab every day but there’s definitely those days where you’re like "man," you watch your guys, you watch them play in L.A. against LeBron and you wish you were out there. But it’s really just keeping a level head and know that I’m gonna be back. It’s just a matter of time. And just being patient. That’s really the main thing, patience.

I don’t want to get too dark here, but what was the low point for you, mentally over the past couple years?

I would definitely say that morning before my second pro day. I had my first pro day and I killed it. I got a lot of good feedback from a lot of teams. But then my second pro day, in front of the top ten teams, it was two days before that I woke up and my back wasn’t...it wasn’t even my back it was my hip wasn’t feeling right. And just knowing something was wrong and knowing I wouldn’t be able to perform. Because I knew as soon as I woke up that day that I wasn’t gonna be able to perform. That was definitely the low point, knowing that I was going to have to go through this whole thing. But everything worked out.

Did you know how serious things were that morning, physically?

I wouldn’t say like, I didn’t know if I would need surgery, but I did know...I didn’t know that it was this bad, but I just thought that after a couple days it might wear off.

Before the draft you compared yourself to Kevin Durant, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and Tracy McGrady. Did you pay attention to the public’s reaction after you made those comparisons?

[Laughs] Yeah, yeah I saw it. I mean I saw people, it was a wide range of stuff. But I don’t really pay attention to that stuff. I wasn’t really saying that, you know, I feel like I’m on that level right now, even though I do, I have a lot of confidence in myself and I’m not gonna say anybody’s better than me. I was just saying, the question asked was "who do people compare you to" and that’s what I said. People sometimes compare me to KD, they compare me to [Giannis], they compare me to Tracy McGrady. I wasn’t really trying to say I’m as good as those guys right now.

You mentioned LeBron and Denver going up against the Lakers recently. Is there a player in mind that you can’t wait to face?

I mean all of them. Really I just want to get back on the court. But I would probably say KD, just because I’ve been compared to him. Going up against him, he’s the best scorer in the NBA. You know I feel like I’m a pretty good scorer, so I’d like to see me matched up against him.

"I want us to win the whole thing."

What are your personal expectations for the season?

I would say my personal goals for the team is to win an NBA championship, and that’s just because I’ve never been one to shy away from having the biggest goals possible. I remember my high-school team was 3-21 the year before we came and the first day of practice I told the team our goal is to win a national championship and be the best team. Other people hearing that would’ve never thought that, but that’s just how I am. We went undefeated that year and so for this team I would say the goal is to definitely be a playoff team but taking it even further for me, I want us to win the whole thing. I don’t see...I mean everybody has to get on the basketball court and play, you know what I mean?

I respect how bold you are.

[laughs] I won’t say that I...I mean the odds obviously aren’t in our favor. The Golden State Warriors are an amazing team but I would say just having that in mind, the only thing you can do is, you know you have nothing to lose. Just go for it.

I got you. Are you expecting to be on the court at some point this season?

Really it’s just up to those guys. Obviously I want to and feel I’ll be able to, but it’s up to those guys and how they think I’m doing, and how I feel that I’m doing as time progresses.

And when you say "those guys" you mean Denver’s front office?

No not even the front office, just the guys I’m doing rehab with every day. The physical therapists, they kind of let everybody know how we’re doing. And it’s the same thing for Jarred [Vanderbilt] and [Isaiah Thomas]. Every week we try to get better and there’s not really a timetable for it.

How do you think your game fits in with Jamal Murray, Nikola Jokic, Gary Harris, and all the other members of Denver’s core who’re young and on your timeline?

I feel like it blends in perfectly and I feel like one thing we’re kind of missing is at the three position. I mean we have guys that can play the three, we don’t really have any natural small forwards. And so I think me, I’d be a big help for that, especially on the defensive side. I’m 6’10” and able to guard some guys. But I just feel like the unselfish nature of our team is perfect for me, and just the way they share the ball, get up and down and score the ball, it’s really the ideal fit for me, and how Coach Malone lets his guys play and trusts them on the floor, it’s perfect for me.

What advice has I.T. given you?

That’s my bro. We’ve gotten really close, just spending a lot of time together. We’re open about how we feel about stuff. There’s hard days and I love to talk to him during those days. He goes through the same kind of stuff that I do. And so that’s kind of what we talk about.

Have any other NBA players reached out, or have you reached out to anyone looking for advice?

Nah, I mean I talk to a lot of guys but I wouldn’t say that I necessarily take advice from them. The people that I take advice from are my parents, my family members, just staying close with them.

What was the biggest purchase you made after you signed your first NBA contract?

I’m a simple guy but I did buy my mom a car. That’s definitely the most money that I’ve spent on a single thing. Other than that I’ve just been chillin'. It was the newest version of a Ford Flex, which is what she had before and she loved it. I have seven siblings and we’re all tall and that car has a lot of space. It’s her favorite car. I got to surprise her with that.

Speaking of cars, what can you tell me about your Autotrader spot and how you got involved with them?

Well you know, me being a rookie car buyer, Auto Trader has the largest variety of cars to choose from and they’re always looking to make the car buying process easier, so me being a rookie, not really knowing too much about cars, I just wanted to partner with them. They help you make the smartest decisions. I also did a video shoot with them because you know me being a rookie, not playing yet, I’m still doing other stuff. Contributing with the team, working on my game, and we did a little video that kind of put a funny spin on that, and the fans can check that out on my instagram.

Michael Porter, Jr. Wants to Win an NBA Title Now published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/