#neijiron

[a-bit-too-much-of-a-zelda-fan]

Guest Analysis: Goron Physiology

I have been a huge fan of the Legend of Zelda franchise since I first played Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask on the N64 when I was a child. Among the many iconic and fantastical races those games introduced me to are the Gorons; the strong, hardy rock-people of Hyrule. Since then, the Gorons have played major roles in almost every major release in the series, including the most recent: Breath of the Wild.

Truthfully, the Gorons will always hold a special place in my heart. But there are simply far too many discrepancies that I cannot- that I WILL NOT ignore. They can walk on lava, they can breath underwater, there is no rhyme or reason to their reproductive cycles, and not ONCE has Nintendo ever bothered to explain any of this. We know almost everything there is to know about the other races of Hyrule, but the Goron’s inner workings remain shrouded in mystery.

Try as I might, I cannot solve many of the mysteries presented by these volcano-dwelling weirdos. But today I am willing to look past all of that. Today I’ll be trying to explain one of the few consistencies between all generations of the Goron. Today I am asking the question: is eating metal possible? And can one survive from doing so?

To answer the first question, we need to understand how the body is able to digest normal food. Your stomach contains acid, hydrochloric acid specifically, which dissolves the things you eat so that your body can take the nutrients it needs and get rid of the waste. But metal is not food (at least not to humans), so can it be dissolved by our stomach acid? It depends on the metal. Zinc, for example, is something you probably eat every day without noticing. Keep in mind that you aren’t eating bricks of zinc for breakfast, so you stomach is able to digest the smaller bits individually.

The problems become clearer as you move further down the periodic table. Hydrochloric acid just isn’t strong enough to dissolve tougher metals like iron. But Gorons are most certainly not like humans. If their skin is as hard as stone, who knows what’s in their stomach? So, for the sake of this theory, let’s imagine that Goron stomachs somehow contain nitric acid, and can dissolve strong metals.

Iron actually IS somewhat nutritious. If you could manage to break it down in your stomach, then that could effectively be part of a healthy diet. Only PART of a healthy diet, that is. Surviving on iron and zinc alone is unlikely to be possible, even for Gorons. Surprisingly, we are actually given quite a lot of insight into the Goron’s diet. Wearing the Goron mask in OoT will cause Gorons to suggest Link eats his green rocks to grow big and strong. In BotW, you can buy Goron spices from the store and meat from the grill in Goron City. Since I’m certain there aren’t a lot of Hylian tourists visiting Death Mountain, most of that food must be made for the other Gorons. This could all mean that Gorons are actually omnivorous creatures, and eat minerals simply because they can.

While I could just end this by saying that Gorons are omnivores with extremely powerful stomach acid, there’s one thing I’ve neglected to mention about the logistics of eating metal. No, I’m not talking about the excretion of the waste after digestion (I downright refuse to write a report on Goron feces), I’m referring to the gas. Dissolving metal in acid can produce hydrogen gas, with certain metals producing more gas than others. If the heat around that volcano is enough to cause Link to burst into flames, then it is more than enough to ignite the hydrogen and cause it to explode, making for a highly volatile belch.

Yep, that’s right. Gorons are explosive. Maybe they have more in common with the Nejirons from Majora’s Mask than we thought. As surprised as I was to learn this, I’m happier than ever to finally have a little closure on the Goron’s functions. Perhaps now I can finally be at peace.

- Researched and written by Ryan Bowers   You can follow him on Twitter at @RusticGiraffe. He told me to say that.