#never pay to play never give scumbag promoters your money

[gruelproponent]

Man I enjoyed Bocchi a lot but if any promoter or venue tells you you have to sell tickets or you owe them money tell 'em to kick rocks

[hopevalley]

What did you make of the new synopsis for ep 1 of s1 that is doing the rounds? Gowen and Bill are going head to head to buy the saloon - interesting?! Also who do you believe Abigail was best suited to....I think she and Bill could have gone somewhere if the fallout between them had been written differently. I mean come on, you've got people believing she and Henry are a thing and he is responsible for the death of her husband son! Bill could've been forgiven his drama with Nora too.

First, this is almost 3,000 words long. I’m so sorry..

I assume you meant S6E1—and naturally I have a lot of opinions!

I’m into the general concept of that plotline. It’s so easy to picture. I imagine it’ll happen something like: Gowen makes a comment about buying the place and Bill is instantly like, “Or I could prevent you from doing that” and then it escalates almost instantly into a competitive irritation-fueled bidding war. It’s perfectly in character for both of them.

Bill has proven he can be jealous (see S2) and petty (see S3), sometimes to the point where he can be cruel (see S5). Henry is a very competitive guy who will do what it takes to get what he wants, often at the expense of others (see pretty much every season). We also know there’s absolutely no love lost between them. Despite the short moment where Bill was almost friendly to Henry in S5 (when Henry turned in the woman who offered him a job if he betrayed Lee), it’s clear Bill and Henry are bound to be…well, I don’t want to say “lifelong enemies” so maybe: lifelong personal antagonists?

Their history is complex and interesting, and it goes back at least 20 years. They’ve known each other (or of each other) longer than they haven’t. Think about that. And there’s that whole mess with Nora getting pregnant, Bill marrying her and raising Martin, the comment Bill made about how Nora “always had a weak spot for [Henry]”—and the fact that Bill has investigated the mining company Henry worked for more than once, both ending in prosecutions; but the first time he did this ended with Henry being spat out as a scapegoat for the company: banished to Coal Valley.

So Henry blames Bill for a lot of the things he’s had to deal with. On the opposite side of things, Bill has known Slimy Gowen for so many years that it’s hard for him to really believe the man is capable of change, especially a drastic change. Neither of them…are really wrong, though; to a certain extent, it’s a matter of perspective. Bill thinks Henry is a scumbag, and Henry thinks Bill has always had it out for him.

And, sure, Henry didn’t let Ray Wyatt shoot Bill, but 1) he’d be implicated in that, and 2) all it really says about his character is that he has a moral line he won’t cross. He sicced his goons on Bill in S1, worked to ruin Abigail’s livelihood for literal years, and used Nora. He wasn’t a good man. But he knew who he was and he knew how far he’d go.

I like to think he’s still that guy, just…maybe better—or at least willing to try to be better?

And you know what? I like that even though Gowen has been making an effort to be a better person, the series hasn’t tried to push the two of them into some kind of happy friendship. Their history together isn’t good, and neither is their present. “You testified against me, Bill. Now, I see you taking a stroll down the boardwalk with my co-conspirator” (S5).

It’s just nice to see that “second chances” don’t always have to be these grand gestures of love and friendship and closeness; they can be just…staying in your own lane? I mean, even if Bill absolutely hates Henry, he mostly just ignores him/leaves him alone/lets him do his thing—and vice versa. That’s a form of giving a second chance. It doesn’t have to be on a personal level, and I think with these two characters, any kind of “wholesome, wholly-trusting” resolution would just feel…really bad. They need to retain their integrity as people, which means they’ll probably never actually like one another.

So of course they’d get into a bidding war over the saloon. 

The only real question I have about it is…uh…where’s Henry getting the money? That must be some promotion Lee gave him, huh? I love the plot, but this is a huge oversight.

Look, Bill can theoretically have a lot of money. We don’t actually know how wealthy or un-wealthy he is. He’s been working an unpaid position off and on for the last two years as the sheriff of Hope Valley, but he also owns half of Abigail’s Café.

And this can’t be overlooked, either: he worked at a very high-profile and no doubt high-paying job before this. Does he pay alimony to Nora? We actually don’t know. It’s possible the café ownership keeps him afloat enough that he doesn’t have to touch his savings, but he could have a substantial amount of them, even though it’s obvious he used some of those to buy out Gowen’s half of the café. Still, early-seasons Bill was something of a workaholic, so even when he was making a lot of money, it’s doubtful he had the time or inclination to spend it. He could still have a sizable amount of it left after 30 years in the field!

But Henry? He’s poor. We’ve established this. He more or less came crawling back to town and had to take what was offered to him: a position at the bottom of the lumber mill totem pole. But he worked it and he didn’t complain.

So again, my question: where’s the money coming from? How can Henry competitively bid against Bill at this point?

Are they both intending to take out a loan or is part of Bill’s offer that he can pay in cash? I’m curious to see how they juggle it, but I really hope Henry’s stint as being poor isn’t just…overlooked. If he has to take out a loan for it, I’d be fine with it; I really love the idea of Henry getting that businessman spark back and taking a risk because of it! But I guess we’ll have to see.

As far as Abigail’s best suitor goes: my answer is Frank. I feel pretty sure that he was just about everything she needed in a partner. He wanted to communicate, he worked through things, he was good at talking about his feelings, he brought her flowers, he spent time with her, he had family meals with her and Cody… The list goes on. They were a great match! It’s unfortunate that he was written off the show.

As for Abigail and Bill…I have to agree with you.

But I should disclaim my post.

I don’t see them as romantically inclined toward one another at all—in fact, I can’t watch their dating scenes in early episodes without cringing because it just feels awkward and performative to me. But if the show can will-they won’t-they with Henry and Abigail, it feels kind of yucky to me that we never even got a sincere discussion between Bill and Abigail about what happened between them, let alone a genuine apology and acceptance scene.

Don’t get me wrong; they make amazing friends. I loved the end of S5 when he went to Abigail because he knew she’d get it—she’d get him, even the things he couldn’t make himself say.

But there’s something to be said for attraction and what a person wants in a relationship at different times in their lives, too.

Let me explain.

When Abigail met Bill, she was just starting to move past the grief of losing her husband and son. That’s not an easy thing to do. But it’s like she says in S1: “Life goes on for all of us.” Abigail didn’t want to steep herself in grief forever. She wanted to move on. And Bill, unrelated to the accident but in town to help solve it and give her peace of mind, was the perfect…I don’t know. He wasn’t a “rebound guy” but for lack of a better term, let’s call him that. He wasn’t that well-suited to her but he was available and she needed…some of what he was capable of offering right away—especially assurance and (lawful) action.

She was married from the cusp of womanhood until her husband died, so it’s doubtful she had a line of beaus on a string in her youth. Abigail never played the courting game. But here she is years later, a widow ready to try and move on…and Bill shows up and is nice to her, respectful, kind of charming, and sincerely helpful…and at this point in her life, that’s exactly what she needs! She needs someone who feels dependable and can take care of her in the way she needs taken care of, which at this point was…bringing her peace of mind/bringing justice to the town and the men who died: her immediate needs (that could be fulfilled by a non-suitor Bill, too, by the way).

But Abigail was having a nice time. Again, a good-lookin’ guy comes to see you and talk to you and tells you that your cooking is great and that you look nice…and you’re not wrong and it’s okay to want justice and he’s gonna make sure you get it…

It’s flattering and confidence-boosting. And hey, except for the whole…lying thing, he was the perfect rebound guy. He didn’t want to rush anything; he respected her space; and he actively worked on the things he promised to work on (getting justice for the dead men).

But there were other aspects of Bill that just…didn’t work for her and probably still wouldn’t. He’s an emotional husk most of the time and he’s not a Romantic Man. I don’t know how to explain it, but for an example, let’s go with flowers.

Bill gives her flowers “for the café, to brighten things up.” It’s a romantic overture, but we’re not shown him actually giving them to her so it feels…kind of disconnected. Frank brings Abigail flowers and not only do we see it, everything about it is intended to be romantic. He brings her favorites, demonstrating he knows what she likes; he smiles a lot; he wants to touch her and be touched; he hovers around after and offers to help her with what she’s working on…

Bill does these types of things because it’s expected of him.

But it’s like, you can’t forget the kind of person Bill is, either.

He’s a workaholic at this point in the series. All he does is work. And he was in a marriage for an indeterminate number of years (anywhere from 15 to 25 of them) with someone he didn’t love. “I married her as a favor to her father.” Bill never had to romance his wife; he married her out of obligation—because her father made sure he got his schooling.

Bill is the guy who, at least at this time, did things because “that’s what you do.” It’s almost like he’s following a manual. You give flowers to the woman you’re courting. You offer your arm. You say romantic things. Or in the case of his job, you follow the rules, you fill out the proper paperwork in the right order. You submit cases on time. In the case of Nora and her father, too. He did you a life-changing favor so you need to do one for him, too.

Because he’s just doing what’s expected, the things he does don’t feel romantic when you have time to think about them (and compare them to others). It’s like taking out the trash because it’s expected of you, or doing the dishes. That’s what these kinds of things seem to be to him, at least when he’s low-key courting Abigail: they’re tasks. He’s just doing them to check them off the list; there’s not much feeling in them and personal preference isn’t taken into consideration.

Which brings me back to Bill’s, uh, emotional constipation.

He was definitely lying in S1/S2 when he didn’t admit he was Divorce Pending. But even at moments where Abigail was trying to communicate feelings to him, he was just…completely avoidant. Remember this scene?

Yeah, the way he just…segues away from feelings or attachment is cringey. It’s hard to watch a second (or third, or fourth) time. Bill is Bad At Feelings (dealing with the ones he has AND admitting when he doesn’t have them), and Abigail needs someone who is good at them: at understanding what they’re feeling and why, and a person who is willing to regularly and effectively try to communicate them with her.

(Just quickly here I want to point out that Bill’s emotional constipation may have been why he and Dottie didn’t work out, too, though the writers sort of dropped the ball on that one… And it’s why he was so mean to AJ in S5; this man literally can’t talk about his feelings short of an actual breakdown, and that is NOT the kind of thing most people are equipped to deal with. And to be fair to the Dottie/Bill relationship, him cooking for her was a marked improvement in him trying to court a lady, but there are aspects of it that just feel like he’s just checking off boxes.)

This is mostly why I prefer that Abigail and Bill just…stay friends. Because neither of them need to settle for a romantic relationship they’re not wholly into, but also…they both need very different things in a relationship; they just don’t seem compatible to me that way.

So sure, Abigail thought he was pretty good-lookin’ when he showed up, and he’s nice to spend time with, but everything beyond that isn’t really her cup of tea: he doesn’t forgive easily; he holds grudges; he’s extremely independent; he doesn’t like asking for help; he’s terrible at communicating feelings; etc. So I mean, even if he improves in the feelings department, it’s probably not going to matter enough.

Bill’s needs matter too, of course, and Abigail fulfills some of them, but not all of them: he really needs someone who’s gonna call him out, keep him on his toes/things from getting boring or stagnant; he needs an opinionated complaining partner; he needs someone who knows their own heart well but who will also understand his without him having to spell everything out/their feelings getting hurt when he doesn’t spell it out for them; etc.

And I mean, it really sucks because they do have a few things that are good for one another. And for what it’s worth, I think they could make a relationship work if they had to/felt inclined to. Bill isn’t very good at compromising, but Abigail’s better at it. Still, would they both be happy, or would it ultimately just rob them of their ability to be and feel independent? Bill doesn’t like being told what to do and he’d HATE having to, say, be home at a certain time. I think when he met Abigail, that wasn’t important to him, but now it is. He likes being able to do what he wants, when he wants to do it.

(Which reminds me of Frank, who spent a lifetime extremely independent but was more than happy to have someone to answer to; the issue between he and Abigail was that he needed that expectation communicated to him; that was it! I feel like Bill would find it stifling and ultimately it could breed resentment.)

Anyway, I don’t disagree with your message. I think if things had been written differently, if Bill’s character had gone in a different direction maybe, they’d be more suited to one another right now.

As far as Abigail and Henry goes… I pretty much loathe the idea of them as a romantic couple, so if you’re ever down for a good rant: feel free to hit me up privately. That said, I want to be fair to the characters in terms of like, feeling attraction…or uhhh the lack thereof if you interpret anybody as asexual!

At the end of the day, it’s not unreasonable to think that Abigail could be attracted to Henry.

Maybe she was attracted to Bill at one point, but no longer is (mainly because she’s realized they’re just not that romantically compatible, even though they get on great as friends). And maybe she finds Henry attractive even despite the things he’s done, because, uh… I don’t know, he looks THAT GOOD in a hat and scarf.

I still think the writing surrounding Henry and Abigail is weak, though. Like you said, he was complicit in the deaths of her husband and son. He’ll need a lot more redemption material before I’ll buy into Abigail being romantically interested in him. An attraction? SURE. She’s not blind! But more than that? I hope it doesn’t happen.

Actually, right now I’m kind of hoping Abigail just stays single for a couple of seasons while they focus on other romantic plots that are in town, like Jesse and Clara, and Rosemary and Lee. Abigail needs a little less focus for S6…and I’d prefer it remain romantic-free.

(Don’t forget, we’re getting a storyline for her that’s a two-parter about someone from her past! I’m still hoping it’s one of her brothers, though. That’d be SO cool.)

But that’s just personal opinion, y’know? I’ve noticed that over on Instagram, the fans are really divided in the different Abigail-relationship camps. It’s kind of cool that everyone gets something different out of each type of relationship presented…and of course, seeing everybody’s different interpretation of the characters is fun, too.

So I’m not saying, “you can’t ship X” because you can enjoy whatever it is you like. This is just my interpretation. ♥

(Sorry if there are any mistakes, I didn’t really proofread this multiple times as usual. Let me know if you see anything glaring!)

[analogscum]

DON’S PLUM (2001, d. R.D. Robb)

Why is it, my dear Scumbags, that forbidden fruit is the sweetest fruit of all? Why is it that, when we know that we can’t have something, it only makes us want it that much more? This applies to any number of life’s pleasures, but especially to movies. Just think of the number of films that are out there, just waiting to be viewed, but because they’ve either been lost to time, or the powers that be have locked them away somewhere, we may never get to experience. London After Midnight. The Day the Clown Cried. Until recently, anyway, The Other Side of the Wind. Well, tonight, thanks to the magic of illegal YouTube uploads, I’m here to tell you about some of that forbidden fruit. We’re going to talk about a film that its stars do not want you to see (if you live in America or Canada, that is), a film that to this day they continue to try and bury via any legal shenanigans they can. So get ready, because it’s time to take a big juicy bite out of Don’s Plum.

To start, we must talk about the nineties. In the nineties, two big things happened that allowed Don’s Plum to come into existence: the advent of low-budget Indies with cool kids talking in verbose, provocative lingo (see: Pulp Fiction, Clerks, Reality Bites, Kids, etc.), and the teen heartthrob coronation of Leonardo DiCaprio. As an infamous New York magazine profile from 1998 established, young Leo ran with a gang of fellow young thespians who would be immortalized as “the Pussy Posse.” The modus operandi of the Pussy Posse was…well, you can probably guess what it was. These guys were all about scoring chicks and getting loaded and not tipping waitresses, and they lived like goddamn boy kings. Leo was the leader, with his two best friends Tobey Maguire and Kevin Connolly on either side of the pussy throne. Other members of the Pussy Posse included David Blaine, Lucas Haas, and R.D. Robb, who you undoubtedly remember as the kid who played Schwartz in A Christmas Story. Anyway, around 1995, Robb had a boffo idea: if I could get my hands on a camera and some black and white film, I could shoot my friends doing what we do every night, just hanging out acting like douchebags, and somehow this will magically congeal into a smash indie hit. So Leo and Tobey, who were allegedly under the impression that this was just going to be a short film, gave Robb a bunch of money to make this thing, which he did, casting Leo, Tobey, Kevin Connolly, and a bunch of their other friends, shooting on and off for a two year period, with the young actors improvising almost all of their dialogue. And with that, let’s get into the finished film itself, shall we?

Los Angeles. The mid to late nineties. Everything is in black and white and super fuckin’ suave, because, again, it’s Los Angeles in the mid to late nineties. Jeremy Sisto is driving a pickup truck with leopard print seats. He kicks a hippie chick out of the passenger seat, mumbling something about “I need…pleasure. And…I need…to know that with…BRUTE FORCE, I got you out of my life, mmkay?” So, uh, right off the bat, um, that dialogue. Yikes, right? The hippie chick, for her part, gets very angry and yells, “You were supposed to take me to Vegas!” Don’t worry, we never find out why she was going to Vegas in the first place, or who Jeremy Sisto’s character is, because he then promptly drives out of the movie. Bye, Jeremy Sisto! Beep beep!

Cut to Tobey Maguire, who looks like he just finished going through puberty roughly five minutes before Robb called “action!” He’s got a dopey look on his face, and an unfortunate bowl cut/chin scruff combo that makes him look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He’s sitting in a moody mid to late nineties café, drinking a comically large cappuccino, and half paying attention to the absolute worst goddamn music I have ever heard in my life. The end credits describe this band as “acid jazz,” but I think a more accurate description would be “music to try and swallow your own tongue to.” It’s like a fiendishly unlistenable combination of free jazz, ska, Tom Waits hobo wailing, and beat poetry, and it should’ve been left back in the nineties where it belongs, alongside Olestra and the Kosovo war. Tobey is trying to pick up some ladies to bring to hang out with his friends later, but oddly enough none of these women want to hang out with an arrogant sad sack who has all the charisma and sex appeal of Uncle Joey from Full House. Meanwhile, there’s like a full-on burlesque dance number happening to accompany this zoot suit cacophony, and the director only occasionally cuts to it for a few seconds at a time. I guess, who needs to see a big splashy musical number when you can watch a comic relief wet blanket who just got his first pubes strike out with every woman he talks to, right? Luckily, the café waitress takes pity on him and agrees to accompany him to meet up with his friends, and then does basically nothing else for the rest of the movie. Occasionally the scene will cut to her to remind us that she’s there, but, like, is she really there, though?

Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley is sitting facing a dude who is showing his bare ass to the camera, because that’s how real fuckin’ life just is, maaaaan, not everyone always wears pants, dude! They apparently just had sex, even though she’s fully clothed, and they get into a philosophical argument about nothing and everything, as if they’re in the worst deleted scene from Slacker. Even though they clearly hate each other, the dude, Brad, invites Jenny Lewis to come meet up with his friends, and she makes some overly hostile joke about how he didn’t make her cum earlier, because low-budget indie movie. Next we see Kevin Connolly driving down the street in his Jeep, when he encounters the hippie girl from the beginning of the movie, like a couple of star-crossed blabbedy blahs. Finally, FINALLY, we’re introduced to Leo, when he borrows a comically large mid to late nineties cell phone from this little hood rat kid who insists on telling him some boring story about a brawl at the Viper Room even though Leo is CLEARLY trying to use said comically large mid to late nineties cell phone to call up every fine young female he knows to meet up with him and his friends. This makes the little hood rat kid very very angry, and its supposed to be funny, I guess? Anyway, like they were all fated since time immemorial to do, all of our leads finally converge down at the titular greasy spoon eatery, Don’s Plum.

Now, have you ever been at a restaurant, and you find yourself sitting near a table of people who are so obnoxious, so vapid, so relentlessly annoying and unpleasant, that you can no longer enjoy your food, and just find yourself eavesdropping on every improbably stupid thing that these goddamn condom leaks are rattling on about, slowly being pulled further and further into their vortex of suck? You have? Well, then, congratulations, because that experience is the rest of this fuckin’ movie. Jenny Lewis and Brad are the first to arrive, and what do they do? They start playing a goddamn harmonica. Um, no. Hell no. I’m trying to enjoy my meal in relative peace and quiet, you know what I don’t need? Your shitty ass John Popper impressions, ok? Get that shit all the way outta here. Then, just to really up the insufferability factor, Jenny Lewis starts opining about Bob Dylan, but she only calls him Bob, which, you can take that one away from here right away, and then launches into the following diatribe...

“You know what I’m so sick of though? All that fucking commercial grunge crap. It all sounds alike. It’s like the record companies that are promoting sterile music. I mean, I love Nirvana, don’t get me wrong, but they weren’t the Beatles.”

WOOF. Mercifully, Brad interrupts her to tell her that he loves her, even though it’s their like, first or second date. She’s reasonably creeped out by this, and just by how earnest and dark and brooding Brad is in general, until thankfully Tobey and the waitress show up, soon followed by Kevin and the hippie hitchhiker. Leo gets his own grand entrance, checking himself out in the reflection of an aquarium while some mid to late nineties boom bap hip hop blares on the soundtrack, natch. For the next hour or so, the group basically just chain smoke countless cigarettes (remember when restaurants had smoking sections?), harasses their waitress, Flo (hey, it’s a mid to late nineties indie movie, were they supposed to NOT name the waitress Flo?) and talk shit endlessly. They also say the word “bro” a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Like, way too much. The world’s most date rapey frat dude would tell them to relax with how much they say the word “bro.”

Suddenly, in between all of the cigarettes and “bros,” a morbidly obese lady walks past the table, and Leo mocks her for daring to be morbidly obese. The hippie hitchhiker takes umbrage with this, and Leo, charming guy that he is, calls her a “squatty piece of hippie shit cunt.” This escalates to the point where the hippie hitchhiker storms off, throwing her Birkenstocks at Leo, and then smashes Kevin’s windshield with a bat that she found…somewhere? Anyway, she’s out of the movie now, and replacing her is Jenny Lewis’s friend Constance, who they just happen to run into. So more bullshitting and chain smoking unfolds. Female masturbation is discussed, because mid to late nineties indie movie. They play Never Have I Ever, and Kevin doesn’t understand the rules, which is kinda endearing. They almost get into a fight with some creep in a mechanics outfit and Buddy Holly glasses. A horrible ska cover of the “Menomena” song from The Muppet Show pops up for a minute of your life that you’ll never get back. Leo sends the group into more turmoil when he outs Brad as bisexual and gives Tobey shit for being vegan. He also gropes Jenny Lewis’s breasts countless times, but no one seems to mind. They all fight about this for awhile, but eventually apologies are offered and they’re bros once again. However, upon learning that Brad is into both girls and guys, Jenny Lewis begins freaking out about AIDS, because ugggh. Then she and Constance start making out for absolutely no reason other than mid to late nineties indie movie. At one point, the film fades out for no reason, and then fades up again on the exact same scene just in time to hear one of the ladies ask the table, “do you guys bathe every day and, like, wash yourself with soap?” Meanwhile, the film will occasionally cut to short vignettes of the characters each saying non-sequiturs into the restroom mirror. Why? Again, because mid to late nineties indie movie. DUH.

The absolute weirdest scene occurs when Kevin Connolly notices a lady producer whom he auditioned for the previous week. He calls her “Spielberg with a pussy,” because of course he does, what else would he call her? The rest of the table convinces him to go talk to her. To both our surprise and his, when he tentatively approaches her at the bar, she’s like, Oh my god, Kevin Connolly! It’s so good to see you! I’m sorry you didn’t get that part you auditioned for, but get this, I was just watching your tape again the other day, and I want to cast you in the lead in this other movie that I’m doing! Not only that, I have to admit, I find you and your Cub Scout haircut and thrift store bowling shirt to be super fucking sexy, and later on tonight I wanna fuck your brains out so hard, so take my number and call me, hot stuff.

WHAT?!?! Like, is this supposed to be a fantasy sequence? Is it? If it is, you have to tell me, movie! Shellshocked and erect, Kevin returns to the table and recounts the whole thing, including the line “bro, it was crazy, bro! She was on my dick so hard!” Leo, meanwhile, is wearing some fake redneck dentures, talking in an exaggerated Southern accent, and eating his own boogers. This is all real, you guys, I promise.

Anyway, some more shit happens, and everyone is yapping about some stupid, possibly offensive nonsense when suddenly a lady at the next table over slaps the guy that she’s with. Hard. Slaps him really hard. Our heroes get quiet for less than a second, before remarking on the slap that just took place. Holy shit bro, that bitch slapped that guy so hard bro, bro bro bro bro, etc. When things get back to normal, Leo is suddenly quiet and sullen. Kevin notices, and tries to coax it out of him the best way he knows how, which is by asking, “you fuckin’ thinkin’ about something, bro?” Leo starts giving all of these cagey, mysterious non-answers, and before long everyone at the table wants to know if he’s fuckin’ thinkin’ about something, bro. Leo takes a deep drag off of his cigarette, and tells everyone, “my dad committed suicide bro.”

WHAAAT?!?! I’ve gotta say, I honestly did not see this coming. In a mood, Leo storms off for the back bar. Jenny Lewis follows him, and tries to make him feel better by relating her OWN familial sob story: “My dad is gone. And my mom is a junkie. She sells her ass on the corner.”

WHAAAAAAT?!?! All of these sudden dollops of soap opera drama, man! Good gravy. For whatever reason, this turns Leo on, and he tries to bang her. She rebuffs his advances, and they get into an overwrought screaming match that plays out like a Level One improv exercise at the world’s shittiest acting school. Meanwhile, back at the table, Tobey gets mad at Kevin for pushing Leo to reveal the truth about his dead dad, and this escalates into a full on fist fight! BRO!

Now, holy shit, you guys, the last five minutes of this movie. Jenny Lewis runs into the bathroom, and begins lamenting into the mirror about how she let a “perfectly good fuck” get away. As she’s saying all this, she pulls some tinfoil, a straw and a lighter out of her purse and just straight up starts FREEBASING CRACK COCAINE.

WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Kinda makes all that AIDS talk seem kinda hollow, huh? Then, oh my god, she starts crying and launches into this fucking after school special monologue, screaming into the mirror about how “I was the one that came on to Uncle Jerry! I was the one that was curious!”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Excuse me, waitress, but it seems you got drug abuse and child molestation in my mid to late nineties indie movie! What is ANY OF THAT doing in here?! And in the last five goddamn minutes of the movie, no less! So now Tobey and Kevin’s bro fight has spilled out onto the street, so Leo goes and breaks it up, he and Kevin do a very intricate secret bro handshake, everyone has a good laugh, Brad lights Kevin’s bowling shirt on fire, everyone goes prancing down the street, and the movie ends.

Now, imagine that you’re Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire. It’s late 1997, or possibly early 1998. One of you is now the biggest movie star on the planet, thanks to a movie about a big-ass boat. You’ve just seen this Don’s Plum movie that your little buddy R.D. Robb made. First of all, it’s a full-length fucking movie, not a short like you both thought it would be. Second of all, both of you are in there saying terrible things about women, doing terrible things to women, and oh shit, the majority of your fans…wait for it…are women! Bro! But worst of all, our little buddy R.D. Robb, who we thought was our friend, our fellow Pussy Posse member, our BRO, is shopping this fucking movie around to distributors? This fucking movie that could possibly end our careers if anyone ever sees it? Tell me, if you were Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire in late 1997 or early 1998, would you do everything in your power to make sure that Don’s Plum never saw the light of day?

Well, according to a lawsuit filed in 1998 by one of the film’s producers, David Stutman, that’s exactly what Leo and Tobey did. Interestingly enough, according to court documents, apparently it was Tobey who was more concerned with how his performance in the film would negatively affect his nascent stardom, and therefore enlisted his much more famous best friend to help him carry out “a fraudulent and coercive campaign to prevent the release of the film.” I mean, Leo comes off as WAY more of an asshole than Tobey, who mainly just mopes around and eventually bro fights with Kevin Connolly, but in any case, both parties eventually reached a settlement in which Stutman agreed that Don’s Plum would not be released in the U.S. or Canada. It premiered at the Berlin Film Festival on February 10, 2001, and quickly faded into Hollywood lore.

Every few years, talk of this wild, black and white, mostly improvised movie with some big celebrities before they got famous will pop up again. Most recently, back in early 2016, another of the film’s producers, Dale Wheatley, uploaded the film to Vimeo and posted it to his website, freedonsplum.com, where anyone could watch it for free. Within days, Leo and Tobey’s respective legal teams had the video removed. You would think that after more than twenty years, with Leo now a respected Oscar winner, and Tobey having brought Spider-Man to life on the big screen, they’d be willing to let bygones be bygones. But it seems that they’re still legitimately concerned that they would stand to lose their vaunted place amongst the Hollywood elite if North American audiences ever got to see Don’s Plum. They still fear it. They still think it’s dangerous. In reality, it’s just embarrassing, which isn’t the same thing.

Truth is, there are a million movies out there just like Don’s Plum. There are a million other overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing indie movies made by overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing young people about the lives of overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing young people out there. I mean, I went to film school, fer chrissakes, I can say with some level of authority that Don’s Plum is the sort of project that my classmates and I poured our hearts and souls Into, only to be embarrassed by its messy, guileless sincerity later. The only thing that distinguishes Don’s Plum from the horde of other cringeworthy embryonic efforts like it is, as I said before, its status as cinematic forbidden fruit. Will its two stars ever allow the audience that it was made for to have a taste? Somehow I doubt it, bro.

[vythodias]

Uncle Wolfy's Tips for living thriftily:

(Things no one ever actually bothered to teach me, but I learned. If you're like me, and have a very fixed income, and fall within the lower to middle class, here are some helpful tips from yours truly.)

1. Never let go off money that you don't need to. Seems obvious, but it's harder said than done. Focus on things you need and not things you want. Impulse purchases, especially of the extravagant variety, should be exceedingly rare.

a. make up for yourself an actual budget -- go over your spending.

2. Beware of Credit Cards. Most of them are little more than gimmicks. Unless you really understand the nuanced concept of Credit, from an actual accounting point of view, it's best to forego them entirely.

a. there's no reason to own five different credit cards; you're just playing with fire.

3. If you do use or have credit cards, don't carry them on your person. This way, you'll be far less likely to use them arbitrarily.

4. Just 'cause you get a bill in the mail, doesn't mean you actually have to pay it. Now, this is a tricky one as some bills are certainly more important than others, but there are some that can be procrastinated upon, and others that can in fact ignored entirely. Scumbag move? I call it being pragmatic. Most of the giant companies are going to be just fine without your pittance.

5. Having your checking account tied up to a savings account. A lot of banks now will have different saving features available to their clientele. Use these features, 'cause they actually do help.

6. Which leads me to the super obvious but often overlooked -- BALANCE YOUR CHECKBOOK! Keep your receipts and go over them. Look for mistakes the cashier may have made, 'cause it does happen. If you won't/don't/can't balance your checkbook for whatever reason, the least you can do is keep a hawkish eye on your overall balance.

7. Turn off overdraft protection. Most banks give you the impression that this is mandatory... it's not. It's a gimmick, most especially engineered towards younger people just getting started with their own accounts. Let that card get declined at the point of sale; embarrassing? Yeah, maybe, but it's still better than all the money you'll have to fork over to the bank for their "courtesy" extension. Screw them.

8. Don't trust banks. In fact, try not to trust anyone, but banks are right up there with the government. Nothing but red tape and bloated bureaucratic piffle. No one can keep better track of your money, than you, and no one has more cause to be competent.

9. If you don't have or want to get a bank account; do yourself a favor; get yourself two things -- you'll be glad you did. Get a really well made safe. It's worth it's weight in money. Also, getta' gun. 'Cause Murica. Only crazy people actually put money in their mattresses.

10. Many things, lots of things, can be used more than once. Tea bags, garbage bags, ziplock bags, grocery bags, twisty ties, etc. Make yourself a Junk Drawer and make do.

11. Coupons. Just for old people? No. They're extremely sensible. Wasting money is not cool, nor particularly attractive. Through clever coupon(ing), I was actually able to not only get quite a bit of groceries, but I also walked out the door with more money than I had, when I went in. Some people actually make a decent living outta' this kinda' thing.

12. Pay attention to sales and promotions. Some are just, meh, while others can actually be extremely good deals.

13. Don't pay for articles of clothing in department stores. I have never understood how people can afford to do that. Thrift stores, consignment stores, and other such places often have clothes that are brand new, complete with tags never having been taken off.

14. Take care of your automobile, and it will take care of you. Neglect it at your own risk. Say nice things to your car. Buy things for it occasionally. Pamper it. Treat it like a lady.

15 Return your bottles if you live in one of those states. The money adds up, trust me.

16. Take whatever change is in your pocket and put it in a jar and forget about it. Don't hold onto change, just keep putting it into that jar. Um, I mean the same jar... obviously. You'll be surprised of what you'll end up with.

17. Stop going to the movies. That's something only rich people and stupid people do. Hollywood sucks, and so do most of their movies.

18. Do NOT play the numbers. Lottery is a tax for stupid people. It's one thing to buy a ticket every once in a while, but if you have to actually actively budget for your lottery-spending, yeah, you should probably stop.

19. Don't become a slave to something. Alcohol, drugs, tobacco, mine's caffeine for example... it's just such a waste of money. Everything in moderation, yeah?

20. Whatever your hobby is, make sure it's not expensive. In fact, try to make money off of your passions. If you're good at sewing, or cooking, or sex... make it work. Find something you love and you're good at, and do that, in exchange for money.

21. Try to limit the amount of cash you keep on you. Best way to remove yourself from temptation, is by not putting yourself in it's path to begin with. So many of these are rattling around my head right now, I could easily think of more.

22. Don’t go out to eat. Learn to cook.

[emulatingrizal-blog]

Silent Night

2015-46154 | Section MHD

           Waking up, I find myself amidst the abyss.

           Cold sweat runs through my face.

           Somehow, I feel a sense of urgency and danger.

           “This is bad…”

           I start running aimlessly into the darkness.

Each step, I can feel something relishing in my struggle. My feet begin to feel sore. It’s becoming unbearable to run.

I take a breather to relieve myself.

           All of a sudden, a cold hand clasps on my shoulder.

           Tense electricity fills the air,

           I slowly looked back to receive the haunting gaze of someone, or something.

           A bloodcurdling shriek filled the air.

           In that instant I reawaken. Greeted by a distant gunshot. Again to this living nightmare. San Diego, the place I call home.

It was still dawn when I woke.

           “You’re having those nightmares ain’t ya kid?” asks the old man coming into my view.

           “It’s fine I’m used to it.”

The old man proceeds to prepare the now finished tinolang manok. Looks like breakfast is ready. I help the old man set our table.

Name’s Raphael by the way. Folks ‘round here know me as Raffy.  The old man here who’s prepping the dishes is Tandang Selo.

We sat down on the table and ate.

“Time’s have been rough nowadays huh…”

“You can say that again.” I replied.

“Better stay up here and keep safe don’t ya think? There’s been reports that kids your age are being killed off as well.”

“I’ll keep a low profile, the Guwardiya Sibil are acquainted with me anyways. I won’t be letting something of that scale happen again.”

“Are you still feeling guilty about it? It wasn’t your fault kid and you couldn’t have done something about it.”

I feel a sharp pain welling in my stomach.

We continued to eat our meal in silence as we pondered over the killings that occurred last night. Would be nice if it was just tonight though.

I waved him farewell as I head down to town.

Growing up wasn’t extremely hard. The good folk around the fringes of the town would always give me what I needed.

Not that I forced them for it of course.  

I may sound like some hoodlum but I’m just a kid. Around 12 or so? Never really cared about my age.

This is what living in the streets does to you I suppose.

It wasn’t all bad. Folks round here would give you a hand or two, regardless if you know em well or not. Such was my case when Tata Selo took me in when he was in town.

I never really knew my parents. Not that I care for them though. Tandang Selo said he heard me crying and then he saw me, inside a trashbin in town. He took me in ever since I was a kid.

When he told me the truth I never really questioned it. We looked far differently to be considered as father and son but he treated me as his own nonetheless.

When I ain’t roaming the streets of San Diego looking for odd jobs and supplies back home, I’m assisting Old Man Selo in the mountains. He basically became my old man and provided me a home.

I often go to town working for my clients. Most of which involved running errands for them as they were all small businesses. Bring stuff here, carry stuff there. Just the clean stuff with no dirty penny involved. They also spared food along with the payment as well. Feels nice to have good folk thriving.

Recently though, most of them are laying low.

Once Governor-General Dutierto succeeded Aquenas, everything went south real quick.

He had this vision of a holy war, one which fought against drugs and their users.

The parians were hit the most, legal at first, their were patrons shot down along with it. Those who’ve triggered slight suspision of being under the influence of drugs were persecuted. Some were never seen again.

Small-time businesses followed suit shortly after. Whethere they were against the local administration or not, they were under heavy inspections. Most of which end up in getting their places sacked or their establishments utterly destroyed. The righteous of those whom I’ve worked for have fallen one by one fell through this “inspections” with only a handful of my clients remaining.

Then there was the beginning of the “Purification”. On some nights, the Guwardiya Sibil would roam about the streets. Those who’re caught in the streets during those nights are killed on sight. They also do the raids on houses who’re harboring the “source of corruption”. The night before was one such night.

I walk along the main road as I notice blood traces along a wall, where a Mang Tonyo, a cigar vendor, used to setup his wares.

The thought of him being beaten up raced through me. I winced at the thought as I averted my gaze from the harrowing wall.  

The ones who orchestrate this, the Guwardiya Sibil, are truly animals. With the vilest one, Alferes, leading the whole operation. He’s been handpicked for being “efficient” in carrying out the deed. All I can see is a lush drunk who has problems with his wife. I’ve met him before, and I don’t like him as much like he don’t like me. He’s a vile scumbag I assure you. Most of his decisions are influenced by his fits of rage, hence the mass number of killings.

Truly a time to be alive. With this just only the beginning.

I walk towards the church with a dejected look. It’s Sunday once again, and unfortunately for me, to get myself off the hook, I became a Sacristan.

At first, the sacristan mayor was having none of me. They soon realized that with my build and frame, I can run errands too and from the church. I soon realize that some of them are pretty nasty stuff.

The vilest thing I did for them was delivering a list of people who have confessed to the parish priest their sin of indulging in drugs. I soon knew what was written on the list after a night of horrors where about 50 were killed.

While this may weigh on my conscience, I decide to absolve myself of guilt.

Or so I hoped that would be the case.

With each passing night the screams fluctuate with my nightmares. Causing me to slowly slip away from sanity.

           Hopefully these sacrifices are worth it in the end.

I do these things to protect the only semblance of family I have, aside from Tandang Selo. My two brothers, Basilio and Crispin.

           I rang the bells alongside them. Ringing it in unison.

I smile as I see Basilio help with Crispin with the ropes. Scrawny as they may, they posses true grit. What I do admire on them is what I yearn for, their purity. What they may lack in raw strength, they make up with their heart.

           “You okay kuya Raffy?”  Crispin asks me.

“More than ever.”

The session ended eventually. The proceedings were the usual though, people mucking around with their phones whilst the priest endlessly used every other minute to “inspire” people in “help build the house of the Lord”. There was also some promotion here and there that this “Holy War was decreed by Him.”

           Nothing but a load of shit if you ask me.

We went down from the bell tower, greeted by the beatings of the wailings of our colleagues from the beatings of our heads.

           “Screw up one more time and it’s back to the streets of with you pendejo!”

           “Sorry father!”

The Sacristan Mayor turns toward our direction.

           “And you three brats! What are you doing lazing off!”

           “We were just taking a break father. We’re gonna sweep the aisles immediately” Crispin tensely replied

           “How dare you take a break in my presence cabron!”

He raises his hand to hit Crispin but I intercepted his attack.

           “Our part of the service is finished father. We’re taking our leave.”

           “How dare you speak against me you insolent twat!”

           “I’ve already done my part of the bargain earlier this week with me fetching the blood and body of Christ. You also agreed to refrain from hitting the other sacristan as long as I’m offering my services to you did you not?”

The sacristan mayor with a loss of words trailed off

           “We’ll be taking our leave father.”

He looked at me with dangerous eyes

           “You’ll have your day boy”

We proceeded to walked out of the church. The two brothers ran outside ahead of me.

“Let’s go Kuya Raffy!” Crispin calls me

I readily nodded but was took aback with and uncharacteristic look from Basilio.

“Kuya Raffy, I have something to discuss with you” whispers Basilio as he inched in closer.

I nodded as the two of us we walked behind Crispin gleefully humming “Our Father”.

“I saw him die…” Basilio stammered.

I gave him a reassuring pat on the back. “Don’t worry about it, you have me to back you up.” I replied.

Looks like the fear of the nightly horrors has finally gotten into him too.

           “Add to that, the sacristan mayor is blaming me for the missing 200 pesos and are prosecuting me to pay for it? We don’t even have the money to feed our family?!”

           “Don’t stress it out too much. The first one who trips will be the one washing our clothes remember?” I jokingly said. “I’ll try to pull you out of this.”

           “Besides, Pilosopong Tasio is on the side of us small folks, he’s the reason why I can defend you against that scumbag. He’d defend us just fine in court. Especially with Crispin is one of his beloved students. We have enough evidence to plead for child abuse under him.”

He replied with thanks and an exasperated sigh.

Looks like he’s fine now.

           The dream however wasn’t.

One of our lifelines was Crispin’s teacher, Pilosopong Tasio. True to his name he is wise although a bit too cynical. He’s the reason why it seems that I have my way with the sacristan mayor. He could process the case and told me that he could be jailed for violating laws on minors or stuff like that.

As much as I would like to be with him on believing that true change would be vested upon the next generations, I think that may not be the case as those with the voices are being killed off, young and old. The only thing keeping him alive is the aftermath it would probably befall the administration by killing of intellectuals.

           At least, according to him.

For the meantime, we brushed over the thought of Crispin dying. We spend the rest of the afternoon playing on the hills, flying kites and whatnot. While it may be as fancy as those posh inner town folks have, it certainly is more than enough for us.

           As the sun sets, we lay on the hills watching the sun fade away in the horizon.

           “Kuya Raffy, if you succeeded the governor-general, what would you do?” Crispin asks.

I honestly haven’t thought about it. I don’t even know who my parents. What more in running the country? I shook my head in defeat and passed the question to the both of them.

           “I have nothing but I guess having a more attainable education would be nice?” replies Basilio.

           “How about healthcare and housing? If I were the governor-general, I would get all galleons from Spain carry equal amounts of goods to our country! I would also establish schools as well and give people jobs!” exclaims a gleeful Crispin.

           “Then how about go to the school Senior Ibarra is establishing? The inaguaration draws near.” said Basilio.

I’ve heard of the guy. Rumors say he’s a visionary with a plan. As much as I’d like to follow suit there’s no way he can proceed with such resistance present posed by a ruthless government.

           And yet I still cling to this flimsy concept known as hope.

I ask the two if there’s anything left for them to do today.

           “We were supposed to ring the bells later this evening.” said Basilio.

I nodded and wished them well

The sun sets on the three of us as dark clouds loom overhead. I took my leave looking for errands to run.

After a few hours of searching, I found no luck.

To make matters worse, it was pouring hard.

Most of the small-time shoppes have closed down. This is probably to escape the suspicion of any shady activity from the Guwardiya Sibil.

I resigned myself in defeat as I started making my way back to the mountains.

Along the way, I passed Captain Tiago’s house. Looks like he’s having another party. He notices me and gives me some take aways for me and my Old Man. I continued forward after expressing thanks.

I passed by the town square and check the time.

           “Already pass 11 huh…”

Somehow, I get an uneasy feeling. I make my way towards the church. To my surprise, the lights are still on at the sacristan mayor’s quarters this late at night.

I snuck in the bushes to hear on the commotion.        

I hear someone being smacked and shouted at.

           “WHERE’S THE MONEY YOU STOLE BOY!”

           “I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT IS PLEASE LET ME GO! MY BROTHER DID NOTHING WRONG!”

           The doors burst open with Basilio kicking it down.

In shock, the sacristan mayor unintentionally smacked the back of Crispin’s neck, followed by a lifeless yelp, and an enraged Basilio.

I burst through the window and stopped Basilio from completely murdering the sacristan mayor as Guwardiya Sibil guards prepared to open fire.

I grabbed Basilio who was still seething with rage.

           “IF YOU DIE HERE YOUR BROTHER’S DEATH WOULD BE IN VAIN!”

I pulled him over as we made way for the nearest exit, rushing toward the staircase of the bell tower.

Thunder crashed down as flashes of lightning blinded our pursuers. Each step becoming heavier as we near our destination.

By the time we reached the top, sirens were already blaring beneath us. The footsteps of our pursuers fast approaching.

I scanned at the back of end of the church near the graveyard.

           A forest!

Without hesitation, I urged him to the ropes and led the way down. The wet rain helped us grip the now soaked roap as we made our way down quickly. Gunshots whizzed past us as we head straight for the forest.

We were only a few inches away when my luck ran out. A bullet grazed my left leg rendering me incapable of walking.

Basilio dragged me into the forest but I knew me being dead weight would cut my chances for our survival.

           “Head to the mountains and look for Tandang Selo.” I told him as I was tending my wound. “He will tend to your needs”

           “But my mother!”

           “It’s dangerous to go back! You’ll only get yourself and your mother killed! Would your brother want that!”

Urgent voices of Civil Guards fill the air.

           “I know it sucks that you may lost the two of us in one night but… Remember that even if we’re not here anymore, our thoughts still carry on. Live for us. Carry on our hopes and dreams. Be the one that sees everything until the end!”

           A sniffling Basilio nodded.

           “Be strong brother! Tata Selo would care for you. Tell him… tell him I’m sorry for not saying and… thanks for everything.”

           Our conversation was cut short with a gunshot hitting me on the chest.

           I made a weak smile as I wave my friend good bye one last time.

           My eyes grow heavy as he fades into the night

           My consciousness slowly fading

           But I am not met with darkness

           Not with screams

           Not with gunshots

           Nothing

Everything’s slowly fading from my view, my senses distorted, my thought only intact

           “He will make it!” I thought to myself.

As a sharp pain pierces through my body, I am met with light.

I see one last image of my friend amongst it. Him holding a book dressed with a suit.

           A vision of the future.

While I may not have seen the end and lay amongst the fallen, I’ve entrusted it to someone I know who will. A San Diego at relative peace, free from the nightmares that plague it.

           Not just for him nor his brother, but for a simple dream everyone in this nightmare wants back.

Silent nights.        

I’am absolved of guilt, as I join those who’ve fallen before me.

I smiled as I resigned myself to fate.

           “I guess no more nightmares from here on out huh?”

[russellthornton]

How to Get Back at Your Ex: 20 Fun, Classy Ways to Get Revenge

Wondering how to get back at your ex? Try these 20 revenge ideas to help you plot the perfect payback for all they put you through.

When someone hurts us, it’s natural to want to seek revenge. They’ve made us feel dreadful—why shouldn’t they get a taste of their own medicine? Well, we have you covered with these revenge ideas for plotting how to get back at your ex!

This has never been truer then when it comes to the dissolution of relationships. When we enter into a relationship, we make ourselves vulnerable to that person. We believe they can be trusted, and we open up to them both physically and emotionally. We share secrets with them, become intimate with them, and are honest with them—and we expect the same in return.

However, it is because relationships are so intense that it is all the more painful when we are let down by our partners. If they lie, cheat, hurt, deceive, or abuse us in some way, we feel it so much greater. Because they are the one person who should behave in exactly the opposite way.

How to get back at your ex – 20 plots to exact revenge

Maybe your ex cheated or gambled all your money away. Perhaps they just didn’t pay you enough attention or called you names and belittled you so you lost all your confidence.

So, you did what’s right and you broke up with them. But now, somehow that doesn’t feel like enough. What that person put you through, they shouldn’t be able to get away with it, right?

No, that scumbag has gotta pay!

Of course, it’s important to remember that while revenge helps you feel as though you got even with your partner, it doesn’t always make you feel better. Always steer clear of things illegal or that could seriously hurt them *no matter how tempting it can be*. However, if you simply can’t let things lie until you got back at your ex, here are 20 ideas to start you off!

#1 Get someone hotter, cleverer, and generally better. The number one way to exact payback on an ex? Move onto the next bigger and better thing! If you can bag yourself someone more attractive, successful, and together then your ex, you are letting them and everyone else know it was the right decision to spit up, and hopefully make them feel pretty small and jealous in the process! [Read: Rebound relationship rules you need to follow for a slam dunk]

#2 Go somewhere you know they’ll be and look fabulous. If you know you are going to be in the same place, make an extra effort to look super hot. Buy a new outfit, get a haircut, do whatever it takes to make them think ‘what have I done?’ Then make sure you act totally cool in front of them, like the breakup doesn’t bother you at all.

#3 Lose those pounds. If you got a bit, er, comfortable, in your relationship, now is the time to hit the gym hard and shift those pounds. You’ll feel so much more confident about yourself, and if you ever bump into your ex their jaw will hit the floor. What’s more satisfying than that? [Read: How to stand up for yourself – Get what you want and deserve]

#4 Get with their mates. If they really screwed you over, there is no sweeter revenge then hooking up with their nearest and dearest. It sends them crazy with jealousy but since they don’t have a leg to stand on, they just have to sit there and take it!

#5 Flirt with other people in front of them. Show them how little you care by getting your flirt on big time with other people.

#6 Be really nice to them. Sometimes you’ve just got to be the bigger person. Being really nice to them is a great way to show you couldn’t care less. It leaves them feeling really confused too!

#7 Return everything they ever got you—smashed up. Having a good clear out of all their stuff will be super cathartic, and make sure they know you don’t want to keep any of it as it’s meaningless to you now. But don’t let them use it either! Smash that stuff up and dump it on their doorstep so they must clear it up.

#8 Delete all their pics from your social media. Let them know you mean business and want to start over by deleting any trace of them from your social media accounts. [Read: How to make your ex jealous and leave them begging for forgiveness]

#9 Unfollow them on social media. As above, showing them you simply aren’t interested in what they are up to is a great way to settle the score.

#10 Tell their mom. If they did something particularly bad, you know who they won’t want finding out? Their mom! Telling the parents is a devious move, but it certainly makes them think twice before doing it again! [Read: 12 devious ways to be a crazy ex and get your revenge]

#11 Tell everyone! A public shaming might be just the ticket if you look for them to feel seriously remorseful for their actions. Okay, so it might mean that everyone ends up knowing your business, but at least the whole world knows what an idiot/scumbag they are—including any potential new people they try to lure their way!

#12 Steal their friends. If you do number eleven, you are bound to shock a few of their friends. Cozy up to them and make them see your point of view. If they really were that terrible and you’ve been together for a long time, you might end up getting them on your side. If possible, make sure they know about it, that feels even better!

 #13 Comment rubbish on all their social media posts. If you want to know how to get back at your ex, and have a giggle and get them seriously confused/annoyed at the same time, write stupid, sarcastic rubbish on all of their social media posts or clog up their feed with weird pictures!

#14 If you shared Netflix passwords, change them. Don’t let them freeload off you for one second longer!

#15 Never ever hook up with them again. Whatever you do, however tempting it is, and regardless of how much alcohol you drink, never, ever hook up with them again. Even if they beg for forgiveness and ask you to take them back, be stronger. Take the moral high ground and say no—you’ll feel so much better if you do. [Read: 10 things to do when your ex wants you back]

#16 Become successful. Get that promotion, change career paths, write that book. Do all the things you said you were going to do when they held you back, and kick ass at every single one of them!

#17 Imitate pictures they post of themselves on social media. Make fun of their arrogant selfies or stupid posts by mocking them. People will think you are hilarious too *well, everyone expect your ex that is*!

#18 Ask for all your stuff back, then throw it away in front of them. Make them hunt for all the stuff you left at their place, and get them to return it. It will be funny watching their face when you just say ‘thanks’ and then chuck it straight in the bin!

#19 Stay tight with their family. Used to call his mum every week? Keep doing it! Used to play golf with her dad on a regular basis? Refuse to give that up. Staying close to their family will infuriate them and make them feel on edge all the time too! [Read: How to not get attached to someone who will never be good for you]

#20 Go traveling. Get out there and see the world! Make sure you document pictures of yourself having an amazing time in all these exotic locations. Nothing says, ‘I couldn’t care less about you’ better than looking hot on a beach somewhere beautiful.

Remember, getting revenge on your ex can be hugely cathartic and even fun. It can help you go forward with your life and get over it. Still, it’s important to keep a check on yourself.

[Read: How to get revenge: Cold, calculated moves to get even]

If you find you spend all your time plotting different ways for how to get back at your ex, perhaps it’s time to decide whether they are worth wasting any more time on. Maybe the best revenge you serve them is by just moving on.

The post How to Get Back at Your Ex: 20 Fun, Classy Ways to Get Revenge is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.