#new tag drop because of apple shenanigans

[imtrashraccoon]

Just a thought but imagining Nightmare in a fairy tale where he would be the prince is so funny because he's an evil and grumpy guy and would be the second villan or something

on that note. Rapunzel Au.

I'm reminded of the fairy tale about the swan princes who's sister had to make them coats so they could turn back into humans again. I'm otherwise not super familiar with fairy tales lol.

This is funny to picture!

Mkay. cracks fingers

Here is a quick spitball for a Rapunzel AU.

The queen is about to give birth to the Royal family's first child, however she falls ill and like in the original fairy tale, someone steals the witch's flower. Although this time, it's not a flower but a magic apple. The apple cures the queen's illness and she gives birth.

The witch is angry that her source of eternal youth was stolen and she decides to steal the Royal family's new child out of revenge. Only there's two children instead of one. The witch steals them away for nefarious witchy purposes but is nearly caught and so only manages to escape with one - Dream.

Nightmare is injured in the commotion, possibly being dropped by accident, but is ultimately rescued and survives his injuries. The kingdom mourns the loss of one of their young princes but life goes on.

Dream is a happy child and grows up in a secluded tower, far away from the kingdom in a forest. He's kept from the world outside by his supposedly loving mother, the witch. Maybe he makes a few odd friends like Ink or other wanderers but he never gets to see them or actually leave the tower.

Meanwhile, Nightmare also grew up and took the throne after his mother died; maybe there was an attempted coup or something. He was cold and often cruel to those who'd supposedly wronged him, earning himself quite the fearsome reputation. The problem is, his injury left him disfigured and he often struggles to function at the same level as those around him. He's also incredibly lonely but has no one willing to be friends with him. Maybe he creates an inner circle of men he tasks with doing the dirty work.

MC is a dashing rogue that has earned a rather high bounty. They stumble upon the tower one day while on the run after a job (possibly from the Royal Guard) and meet Dream. After some humourous shenanigans, they agree to take him to go see the outside world since he's been wanting to leave for a while. Maybe Ink tags along for fun and they meet some other interesting characters, like Blue who's an aspiring guard.

They travel around and see the sights of the kingdom. Their presence doesn't escape Nightmare's eye and he sends some of his men after them. (Cue Horror, Killer, and Dust.) Dream and MC don't know why Nightmare is after them but they really don't want to be caught. So an epic fight scene ensues!

Eventually, there is a confrontation with Nightmare and Dream actually recognizes him but doesn't know why. Nightmare doesn't either and hesitates to attack them. MC decides to be a hero and creates a distraction so that Dream can escape.

Dream finds himself in the forest again which is where the witch finds him and acts overjoyed to see him alive and well. The witch entreats him to return to the tower where it's safe and he does, for a time. During his time in the kingdom, he heard the tale of the lost prince and eventually he realizes that he's that prince. His "mother" only wants him for his healing powers and so he confronts her but it doesn't go well.

Meanwhile, Nightmare can't stop thinking about how familiar that golden skeleton felt and so he questions a captured MC. At first, they don't want to tell him anything but when they make the connection that Dream must be the lost prince, they agree to work together to find him.

MC is released and they make their way back to the tower, although the guards are slower to follow. They find Dream has been tied up and go to free him, only to be attacked by the witch. Nightmare arrives just in time and turns the tide of the fight. He can't kill the witch on his own, despite how powerful his magic is, and it takes the combined efforts of everyone to finally slay her.

With the witch dead, Dream returns to the kingdom with his brother and they work together to rule fairly. Although, Dream has a habit of sneaking out to go see his friends, which irritates Nightmare to no end, until he is eventually persuaded to by his men to join in as well of course!

[wolveria]

Crucible - Ch 19

Pairing: Link x Reader

Series Warnings (18+ only): Eventual smut, slow burn, violence, mild body horror, lots of whump, angst with a happy ending

Chapter Summary: Why must the Champion be so infuriating? Not that you care. You're just trying to keep him alive, a task he insists on making exceedingly difficult.

AO3

The Sheikah made good on their promises to poke and prod you, and you made good on your promise to allow them to do so.

You endured it, and you weren’t pleased by the discomfort and pain it brought, but at least the scientists were quick, and it was easier to bear with Link nearby. He was also poked and prodded, not having much of a choice while he was in the infirmary, and the Sheikah were accommodating enough to bring their instruments all the way from the labs. They were most likely glad to do so, knowing you would be more cooperative in Link’s presence.

The Champion couldn’t be confined to a bed for long. Within two days he was up and about, and worse, insisting this would be a good time to train you in combat.

You considered arguing just on principle, but when you thought about it, you concluded that this was in alignment with your goal of keeping Link’s head attached to his shoulders. You couldn’t very well defend him if you didn’t know how to defend yourself.

Plus, there had been no news from the Sheikah regarding your tests. It was better to keep yourself occupied than allow your nervousness to consume you.

So that’s how you found yourself on the training grounds, facing off against Link for the third day in a row, a wooden sword in your hands and his. You were sore and bruised already in several places, while the only marks he had were from his battle with the skeletal undead.

He knocked the training sword from your hands for the dozenth time that day, and you let it lie in the dirt.

Link dropped from his ready stance, glancing from you to the fallen sword.

“It’s all right,” he said, as if that could make it so. “It takes time and experience before you’ll see marked improvement.”

“What would you know of such things?” you snapped, your irritation getting the better of you. “You were chosen to wield a legendary sword.”

You looked away as soon as you said the words, regret warming your cheeks, but the Champion’s tone was much kinder than you deserved.

“I was,” he admitted, drawing closer. “And once the sword chose me, I had to learn how to master it. I may have been born to wield it, but that didn’t mean I knew how to use it. That took training, and a lot of time.”

Link picked up the discarded wooden sword, holding it by the blade just above the hilt, then he opened his hand and it balanced perfectly across his palm.

“Whatever our talents or destiny, it takes effort and wisdom to improve ourselves. Those things aren’t given to us, no matter how much we wish them to.”

He tossed the sword up and snatched it from the air, and then he held it out to you, hilt first. You eyed the sword before taking it from him, eyeing him just as dubiously.

“In other words, I’m not allowed to give up?”

His expression brightened, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Nope.”

“Great.” You gripped the hilt and held up the sword into a ready position. “I suppose if I can’t best a knight who was battered into a coma just a few days ago, then I still need improvement.”

Link also moved into a battle stance, his smile curving into a mischievous tilt.

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll be besting me soon enough.”

Despite the teasing, a small kernel of warmth formed in your chest. You didn’t know if his words would come to pass since you’d neglected to master swords, axes, or pikes, but his confidence in you was… appreciated.

Before you could launch yourself at him for what was probably another failed attempt, you came up short. A soft sound filled the air, a low rumble until it rose into a crescendo of cacophony of flapping wings and crying birds.

Above you the sun darkened as hundreds of birds filled the skies, all different shapes and sizes. Sparrows and larks and crows, all of the flocking together towards the same direction.

No, not towards. Away. They were all fleeing the dark horizon to the north. The Great Hyrule Forest.

The Champion’s brows were furrowed, his lips pressed into a thin line, though when you met his gaze, he attempted to lessen the severity of his expression.

“I think that’s enough lessons for today. Why don’t you wash up and meet me in the dining hall for dinner?”

Your eyes narrowed. For the Champion of Hyrule, he was a terrible liar.

“All right,” you answered with a lie that was more convincing. You both put your training weapons away, and when Link disappeared from sight within the halls of the castle, you followed after him, keeping to the shadows and treading on the balls of your feet to mask your footsteps.

It didn’t matter; you lost him sight of him too soon and he seemed to just vanish. Huffing out a frustrated breath, you returned to your room and washed your face and the back of your neck, not having accumulated enough grime for a bath.

Hoofbeats drew your attention, belonging to one horse and moving at a gallop. You raced to the window and leaned over the sill just in time to catch sight of a black-and-white beast disappearing around the curve of the road from the stables.

“Idiot,” you hissed between your teeth, grabbing your pack from beside the bed and running out the door. You didn’t head to the stables or the east gate, but instead ran to the lower levels of the castle as far as they would go, down to the caverns that held the docks.

You knew exactly where Link was headed, and in order to catch up, you’d need to take a shortcut. Hopefully, your study of the local maps would come in handy.

You found an empty rowboat and threw your packet inside, the small vessel jostled from the movement and causing the inky black waters to ripple, reflecting the torchlight.

You were in the process of untying the line when someone shouted, “Hey!”

Bracing for a fight, you were instead confronted with a guard glancing between you and the boat with a worried expression, and he tipped his helmet nervously at you before stating, “My lady, you can’t go out on your own.”

You floundered for a moment, and then fixed him with a smile, hoping it didn’t come off as a grimace.

“Then perhaps you could be my escort.”

“Uh…”

“What is your name, sir knight?”

“Ewan,” he said, rubbing the back of his head with an unsteady smile.

“Ewan,” you repeated, your smile still holding. “I would feel safer with a member of the guard by my side. Would you accompany me?”

Against all proper expectations, the guard answered, “I… yes, of course, my lady.”

You made room for him in the boat, which could barely hold two people, and then he cast off the line and grabbed the oars. You watched his every moment, reflecting on how easy it had been to command him. Perhaps the princess had told her men to obey your wishes, though you were certain she wouldn’t be happy with this particular demand.

He guided the boat out of the cavern dock and out into the moat. The sun was setting behind the ridgeline surrounding the back of the castle, and you had to fight to not snap at him to hurry up. You were much more likely to lose Link after night fell, and you didn’t want to be caught out in the dark. Not after the last time you’d been outside the castle walls.

The oars dipped into the water and pushed the craft along, the small waves of the lake licking at its sides.

“Where would you like to go, my lady?” he asked, his smile nearly shy.

You pretended to think for a moment, casting your eyes out along the moat until the settled on the distant bridge.

“Over there, I think.”

“Helmhead Bridge?”

“Yes, that’s it,” you added with a bright smile. “It looks like it would have a nice view of the area.”

In fact, it would, but that’s not why you wished to go there. The guard, unaware of your true intentions, rowed the boat across the moat to the northeast. Green scales flickered under the water, following the wake of the passing boat, and curious eyes stared up at you from underneath the water. If the situation wasn’t so urgent, you might actually enjoy being out here, but there wasn’t time to enjoy the peaceful scenery. Not when the Champion was, in all likelihood, running headlong into danger.

Shadows passed over you as the guard Ewan rowed under the stone bridge, once a solid piece of architecture, it had partially crumbled, and its stones lined with moss and lichen.

The guard indicated the bridge with one armored gauntlet, his expression pleased as he prepared to show you the sights. It was almost a shame you wouldn’t be there to see them.

“Helmhead Bridge was named after a monstrous creature that—my lady!”

The guard cried out as you vaulted over the side of the rowboat, plunging into the cold water. You sank under the surface, forcing your limbs to push you forward until you broke through to gasp at the air, and then you continued to the shore only a few feet away.

“My lady, come back!”

There was a splash behind you, but you were too far ahead and without the burden of plated armor you easily reached the shore. You pulled yourself onto land, your soaked pack heavy in one hand, but you waited until the guard bobbed to the surface and grabbed onto the boat with desperate flailing.

“Don’t fret, Guard Ewan!” you called to him. “I’ll return to the castle soon!”

I hope.

With a backwards glance to be sure the knight hadn’t drowned himself, you ran up the road, not stopping until you reached the settlement of Rauru. The homes there were new, built within the last years since the Calamity, and with the sun setting most of the people were heading indoors and most ignored you, only a few glances shot your way at your drenched, breathless state.

You paused only long enough to get your bearings and to empty your boots of water before continuing northeast, cutting through the forest until you found the road heading proper north.

On horseback, Link would have to go south in order to circumvent the moat, and then take the long way around to head north along the road. You’d cut that journey by at least three-quarters, and even on foot you should be ahead of him.

Your hope faded as the sun set, still no sign of him or his horse. You continued north, walking in the forest alongside the road rather than on it, and you were forced to switch to the other side of the road to avoid the old training camp. It had been restored, and even though most knights-in-training were gathered around bonfires and eating supper, you had to be careful not to be caught.

Unfortunately, this put you in the woods between the road and the mountains, and you didn’t have many places to run if you were trapped. You weren’t sure who or what would want to harm you, but you couldn’t get the thought of those skeletal monster out of your head, especially as the sun was setting.

A horse nickered from somewhere up ahead and you picked up your pace, trying to keep quiet, but the weight in your chest lightened at the noise. You’d found him.

Or… you thought you’d found him. That was definitely his horse you spotted through the trees, a black steed with a white mane, but her rider was nowhere in sight.

You frowned as the sun disappeared beyond the horizon, leaving a blue twilight in its wake. The horse was nearly invisible in the dim surroundings, only the swish of her white tail giving an indication of where she stood, grazing on the grass next to the road.

You moved at a crouch, the silent woods forcing you to cover your footsteps as much as you could, but there was still no sign of the Champion. Surely, he wouldn’t have continued on foot and left his horse—

A rough hand grabbed your arm and yanked you backwards, spun you around, and shoved you against a tree trunk.

The air was knocked from your lungs, you couldn’t cry out, and your arm was twisted up behind your back, a warm weight keeping you pinned to the tree as something sharp and pointed pressed under your chin.

There was a soft, surprised noise, and then the cold pressure of a blade was removed from your neck. The grip on your wrist, however, was still firm as your assailant once again spun you around and pushed you flat against the tree.

Link stared down at you, his fingers holding your wrist at your side, and even in the darkness his surprise was visible.

“Blue?”

You tried to free your arm, but his hold was like iron.

“Let me go!”

His surprise folded into the beginning of anger.

“No. Not until you tell me what you’re doing here.”

“Following you, obviously,” you responded, lips pulled back into a grimace.

“Why?”

His questions were irritating, his nearness even more so. Half his body was pressed against yours, and you could feel each breath he took , and even through the layers of tunics and underclothing, he was warm. Very warm.

“Because you’re traipsing off into danger again, that’s why.”

Instead of further angering him, the crease between his brows deepened as he slightly tilted his head.

“You thought… I left you behind and wouldn’t be returning to the castle.”

You huffed out a frustrated breath. Wasn’t he paying attention? You weren’t worried he’d abandoned you; you were worried that he… that he would…

Turning your head aside, you stared off into the darkness, trying not to fidget from his weight against yours, or how pleasant it felt, heightened by your cold, wet clothing.

And of course, he chose that moment to notice that fact.

“Why are you drenched?”

“Took a shortcut.”

He huffed, a sound that was more amused than irritated, and blessedly he let you go. You rubbed your wrist, not because he’d hurt you, which he hadn’t, but because you wanted that lingering warmth off your skin. Even through his gloves you’d felt it.

“Through the moat?”

You nodded, shoulders hunched as a chill crept through the forest. It was going to be a miserable night in wet clothes, so you were surprised when Link walked ahead of you and said over his shoulder:

“Come on. I’ll light a fire, and we can get you dry before continuing.”

You perked up, quickly following after him.

“You’re not going to take me back to the castle?”

“I should,” he admitted in a low voice, “but unless I lock you in the dungeon, there wouldn’t be much point. Even then, you could probably find your way out.”

He eventually slowed his pace and paused once he’d realized you’d stopped following. He looked over his shoulder and then fully turned to face you, his smile fading as he examined your face, or what little he could in the dim light.

“You wouldn’t…” Your voice was brittle, the exact opposite of the hard accusation you’d wanted to voice. “You wouldn’t… really lock me away, would you?”

“No,” he answered immediately, approaching you with his hands slightly held before him. “Of course not. Why would you think that?”

You didn’t meet his eye.

“Never mind.” You walked forward again, brushing past him. “It’s not important.”

A hand on arm halted your steps, and you were too weak, too pitiful to shake it off.

“If it troubles you,” he softly said, “then it’s important.”

You balled your fists but didn’t move, a war waging inside you to remain quiet and keep your own affairs to yourself.

But that hand didn’t move either, and the battle within you was lost.

“The first time you saw me,” you began, halting and quiet, “I was… stealing. It hadn’t been the first time either. There was a reason the guard recognized me when we arrived at the Akkala Citadel. I’m very well-acquainted with their dungeons.”

There were several heartbeats of silence before Link finally said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Well, now you do.”

You shook off his hand, and he didn’t reach for you again.

[themcuhasruinedme]

Langs-and-Treats

[Summary]: You and Scott take Cassie out for a fun night of trick-or-treating and is filled with shenanigans when the three of you get back home.

[Pairing]: Scott x reader

[Warning]: Tooth-rotting Scott fluff no one knew they needed...

Tagging: @theashhole @dividedwecantfall @buckysmetallicstump @rotisserierogers @avengerofyourheart @nataliarxmanxva @metalarmproblems @marvelingatthewonder @mcuimxgine @capsbuchanan @imagine-assembling-the-avengers @that-sokovian-bastard @hellomissmabel @abovethesmokestacks @peculiar-persephone @bellameys @hymnofthevalkyrie @after-avenging-hours @buckys-shield  @callamint @redgillan @tragicalchemist @marvelous-fvcks @professionally-crazed @thetalesofmooseandsquirrel @fanfic-shiz @i-dont-know-how-to-write @iwillbeinmynest @theassetseyeliner @lilasiannerd @aubzylynn @viollettes @sgtbxckybxrnes @marvelatthepeople @iamwarrenspeace @marvelrevival @pufflethehuff @alwayshave-faith @magnitude101999 @blossombarnes @httpmcrvel

A/N: Happy Halloween, everybody! I originally planned this to be about an Avengers Halloween party but ideas changed and thought it would be even cuter with Cassie instead. Feedback is appreciated!

Halloween was quickly approaching and the little two bedroom home that you and Scott lived in definitely showed it. Colors of fall scattered throughout and smells of cinnamon spice, crisp apples and the fireplace filled every inch of the place.

You had a day off from work and decided to start the holiday baking. Putting on your oven mitt, you pulled out a cookie sheet of peanut butter cookies placing it on top of the oven just as Scott and Cassie walked in.

“[Y/N]!” Cassie yelled. A big smile appeared on your face and you kneeled down as she ran to hug you.

“Mmm, smells good in here [Y/N],” Scott said as he entered the kitchen after Cassie. He tried to get a cookie but you smacked his hand which made Cassie giggle. “Ow,” he complained and made a pouty face.

“Oh, don't be a baby,” you said and started placing them on the cooling rack. “These are for after dinner.”

“C’mon, just one? You know how much I love your baking,” Scott whispered seductively, wrapping his arms around your waist and nuzzling his face in the crook of your neck.

“Scott! Not now... Cassie’s here,” you said under your breath.

“Fine,” he said, huffing into his bangs. He went over by Cassie who was sitting at the counter, pulling out her homework assignment.

“So,” you said turning around to look at her. “Who’s ready for trick-or-treating next week?” Cassie’s hand shot up as did Scott’s. “Really, Scott? You’re a given.” 

Cassie giggled and continued working on her homework until dinner was ready, which was Chinese take-out mixed with lots of laughing. After that, Maggie came to pick her up which was always an awkward situation for you but you always tried to make the best of it.

“Mommy, daddy and [Y/N] are gonna take me trick-or-treating,” Cassie said with a front-toothless grin as she was packing her backpack.

“I know. Your dad asked me a few days ago. We’ll go to the store this weekend so we can get your costume.”

After the two of them left, it gave time for you and Scott to do some “business” in the bedroom.

Halloween finally came and the two of you were excited about getting to spend it with Cassie. And Maggie was even allowing her to spend the night, which was a guarantee for even more fun. 

Cassie didn't tell you guys what costume she picked because she wanted it to be a surprise. You decided to dress up as Minnie Mouse. And you couldn't help but laugh when Scott came out of the bathroom wearing his costume.

He looked like he dropped right out of the 70′s, right down to rings on his fingers and gold chain necklace.

“Nice costume, babe,” you said, stifling your laughter. “The look suits you.”

“Think so?”

You nodded, still trying to hold back a giggle. And even though you found it hilarious, you had to admit it really did look good on him. You couldn't help but think that’s what Scott would've looked like had he been around during that time.

The doorbell rang and you went to answer it, seeing only Maggie holding Cassie’s candy bucket. Maggie pointed behind her and you peeked around, seeing Cassie hiding behind her. She jumped out, saying “Surprise!” as Scott came over to the door too.

You had the biggest smile on your face seeing Cassie’s costume: a red sleeveless top with a ‘W’ emblem on it, a blue skirt dotted with stars, red and white stripped boots, silver wrist cuffs, a gold tiara and a yellow piece of rope attached to her hip.

“Oh my goodness, Cassie! Wonder Woman is a great choice!” She smiled at you and gave you a big hug.

After Maggie left, you helped Cassie bring her stuff to her room.

“We’re gonna have so much fun tonight,” you told her with a smile. “We’ll go trick-or-treating first and then when we come back, we have so much fun stuff planned out.”

The night couldn't have gone any better. Cassie got so much candy and was complimented a lot on her costume. When the three of you got back home, it was dinner and then a night of fun and mostly no sleep.

First, it was building a fort in the living room and watching several of Cassie’s favorite movies. But after that, the plans went out the door and everything was pretty much improvised because a pillow fight broke out after Scott wouldn't stop talking through one of the movies and you threw a pillow at him which caused him to throw it back.

After all three of you ended up on the floor in a massive giggling fit, Scott had Cassie get on his back and ride on him like a horse, trying to somewhat chase you through the house.

Cassie decided it would be fun to play hide-n-seek and for the next hour she couldn't find the two of you because you guys were constantly moving around the house, finding new spots to hide in. When she finally found you two, it turned into a game of tag and lasted till the three of you couldn't stop laughing so much. And also because Cassie was starting to get sleepy.

You looked at the clock and knew why; it was already one in the morning. The three of you sat back down on the couch to settle down and watch some tv, with Cassie in between you and Scott. Within minutes, her eyes closed and her head fell into your lap.

You looked down at the sleeping child and smiled, slowly running your fingers through her hair. Scott looked over at this and smiled at you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder. You looked back at him still smiling and then again at Cassie. You placed your head on his shoulder and snuggled a bit closer to Scott.

“Tonight was great, wasn't it?” you asked him.

He nodded and placed a kiss on your temple. “It was. I got to spend it with my two favorite girls.”

You smiled at him and kissed his cheek. It really was a Halloween night to remember.

[barinacraft]

100+ Halloween Jokes, Puns, Riddles & One Liners

Hysterical Halloween Humor & Hilarious Haunted Holiday Humdingers

There's over one hundred All Hallows' Eve jokes on this page ranging from whimsical word plays to scary squibs, clever clowning around to frightening farces, and everything eerie about Halloween in between. You might want to settle in with a spooky sip because this could take awhile.

If you're still begging for laughs after this large list of larks, links to even more holiday hijinks are provided at the bottom of this buffoonery. Buckle up and chuckle.

Bat Banter

Q: What is Dracula's favorite cocktail to drink at a baseball game? A: Bat Bite.

Q: What is Dracula’s favorite position in baseball? A: Bat boy!

Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash? A: Because they have bat breath.

Black Cat Comedy

Q: What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A: A sourpuss.

Devil Droll

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil!" she responded. "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

Q: What happens when Ambrose Bierce drinks the Devil's blood? A: He gives new meaning to Mephistopheles' mustache.*

Dracula Jokes

Dracula is the most famous of all the Vampires. Those mythical nocturnal beings that feed on blood, get burned by sunlight and usually must be killed by stabbing them with a stake to the heart. There's something funny going on there.

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula water skiing on Halloween night? A: A blood vessel.

Q: What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog? A: A blood hound.

Q: What is the tallest building in Transylvania? A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A: At the casketeria.

Q: What drink does Dracula order when vacationing at the beach? A: A Blood and Sand cocktail.

Q: What does Dracula like to drink when he brandies about the ship? A: Nelson's Blood.

Ghost And Goblin Gaiety

A Halloween ghost walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What'll you have?" Ghost says, "I'm here for the BOOs. A disembodied spirit if you please."

Q: Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain? A: Because it dampens their spirits.

Q: Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? A: It raises their spirits.

Q: Who did the scary ghost invite to his party? A: Any old friend he could dig up!

Q: What kind of shoes do baby ghosts wear? A: Boo-ties!

Q: What do goblins drink when they’re hot and thirsty? A: Ice cold Ghoul-aid!

Q: Where do hard working ghosts go on vacation? A: The Eerie canal!

Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? A: Tombstones.

Q: What did the mother ghost say to her baby ghost? A: "Don't spook until you're spooken to."

Q: What do ghosts serve for dessert? A: I SCREAM!

Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? A: A hoblin goblin.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo.

Q: What games do ghosts like to play? A: Peek-a-Boo and Hide & Shriek.

Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? A: He is mist.

Q: What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? A: The actors get stage fright.

Q: What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal? A: SCREAM of Wheat.

Q: What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee? A: A boo boo.

Q: What do ghouls eat for breakfast? A: Ghost toasties with evaporated milk.

Q: Where do ghosts go swimming? A: The dead sea.

Q: What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl? A: Something that doesn't give a hoot if they scare somebody.

Horror Humor [sic]

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist? A: He was repossessed, again!

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? A: He was buttering up his teacher.

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? A: He's all right now.

Q: What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A: A celebrity roast.

Q: What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? A: Decomposing.

Q: What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A: A cereal killer.

Did you hear about the cannibal boy that was 8 before he was 7?

Jack-o'-lantern Laughs

Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern? A: With an orange pumpkin patch.

Q: What’s the true ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi!

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? A: Lots of squash seeds to sear.

Q: What do you call a fat Jack-O-Lantern? A: A plumpkin.

Monster Quips

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

Q: Have you seen Quasimodo? A: I have a hunch he'll be back!

Q: What do you do with a green monster? A: Wait until it ripens.

Q: Why wasn't there any lettuce left after the monster party? A: Because everyone was a green goblin!

Q: What's a haunted chicken? A: A poultry-geist.

Q: How do monsters tell their future? A: They read their horrorscope.

Q: Why did the Cyclops have to close his school? A: He only had one pupil.

Q: What does a monsters' child call his parents? A: Mummy and Deady.

Q: What do you call a monster with no neck? A: The Lost Neck Monster.

Q: What do sea monsters eat for lunch? A: Fish and ships.

Mummy Gags

Q: Why can’t mummies go on vacation? A: Because they’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind!

Q: What do you call a little monster's parents? A: Mummy and deady.

Q: What did the mummy say to the detective? A: Let's wrap this case up.

Scarecrow Caws

Q: Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? A: He was outstanding in his field!

Skeleton Shenanigans

Q: Why aren’t there more famous skeletons? A: They’re a bunch of no bodies!

Q: When does a spooky skeleton laugh? A: When something tickles his funny bone!

Q: What did the skeleton say when his brother told a lie? A: You can’t fool me, I can see right through you!

Q: What do skeletons say before eating? A: Bone Appetit!

Q: What type of art do skeletons like? A: Skullptures!

Q: What did the skeleton say while riding his motorcycle? A: I’m bone to be wild!

Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender? A: I'd like a beer and a mop!

Q: What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day? A: Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? A: Spare ribs.

Q: What instrument do skeletons play? A: Trom-BONE.

Q: What kind of key opens a casket? A: A skeleton key.

Q: Why don't skeletons like parties? A: Because they have no body to dance with.

Spider Antics

Q: What do you call two spiders that just got married? A: Newlywebbed.

Trick Or Treat Tomfoolery

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween night? A: Tweets.  [ Tweet this Joke! ]

Q: How did the priest make holy water? A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.

Vampire Riddles

Three vampires walk into a creepy bar. Bartender asks, "What's your poison?" The first vampire says, "A mug of blood." The second vampire says, "I'll have what he's having." The third vampire says, "No, not me. I'll have a glass of plasma." Bartender says, "OK, two bloods and a blood lite."

Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch? A: Do you want to go for a bite?

Q: Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank? A: He was caught drinking on the job!

Q: How can you tell if a vampire has a horrible cold? A: By his loud coffin from deep down in his chest.

Q: What kind of fruits do vampires like? A: Adam's apples and juicy neckterines.

Q: What did one thirst vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue? A: Let’s stop in for a cool one!

Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday? A: Fangsgiving.

Q: Why did vampires toast the Democrat in 2000? A: They wanted to Gore.

Q: How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? A: He turns into a bat every night.

Q: How does a girl vampire flirt? A: She bats her eyes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.

Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A: A stake sandwich.

Q: What does a vampire fear most? A: Tooth decay.

Q: Who do vampires buy their cookies from? A: Ghoul Scouts.

Q: What is a vampire's favorite sport? A: Casketball.

Q: Why did the Vampire subscribe to the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal? A: He heard they had great circulation.

Q: What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor? A: Veinilla.

Q: What do you give a vampire with a cough and a cold? A: Coffin drops.

Witch Wit

Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with a clown? A: A brew ha-ha.

Q: Why do witches need to wear name tags? A: So, they would know which witch is which!

Q: What did one old witch say to other when she asked for a ride? A: There’s always broom for one more!

Q: What did the scary witch do when her broomstick broke? A: She had to witch-hike!

Q: When do witches like to cook their victims? A: On Fry-Day!

Q: What do you call two witches living together? A: Broom-mates!

Q: What do you call a witch who lives in the desert? A: A sand witch.

Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school? A: Spelling class.

Q: How do you make a witch scratch? A: Just take away the 'W.'

Zombie One Liners

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? A: A: Hope it's Halloween.

Q: What do you call dead cows that come back to life? A: Zombeef.

Q: What do zombies like to eat at cook outs? A: Halloweenies.

More Halloween Jokes

What A Great Costume

How Much Are We Taking Off?

References

* - Ambrose Bierce authored The Cynic's Word Book in 1906 which was retitled The Devil's Dictionary in 1911.