#nice and naïve have the same root word so I always read it with a touch of that even if modern connotations don’t include it I don’t care

[thresholdbb]

Doc’s Family: *is way too nice*

B’Elanna: *narrows eyes*

[thattimdrakeguy]

Favorite tim writers

Sorry for taking so long to answer this one. I'm still moving boxes, and I had to get a shower cause I got all sweaty and such. Gross I know.

But hmmmm. I been trying to think about it along the way.

1) Marv Wolfman.

He created Tim. No other contenders for me. While he may not have wrote him a lot, he wrote enough to make the base for all depictions of Tim at least should be based on.

2) Adam Beechon.

Why you may ask, because I think he understood the character at Tim, and used the personal trauma that Tim had amassed at the time in a way that stayed true to Tim's character. Showing that Tim can evolve, while not losing who he is for simple melodrama. And plus, he's this high, mainly cause while I like most of Dixon's writing till later on in his run, he's a prick.

The only thing off the top of my head is that Adam Beechon made Tim just a bit too cool. Because while he isn't the biggest geek ever compared to his friends who are obsessively geeky. Tim is still a big geek. That often felt a bit forgotten to make him more of a popular kid. Tim has his cool moments that get recognized, I think mainly his confidence in certain situations. But Tim needs to feel at least like a notable bit of a geek.

He didn’t write for my favorite era. But, I admire he kept Tim consistent while others destroyed him for the drama. Plus he had a longer chance to write him compared to others who either had him for a few small issues, not under his solo, or in Dixon’s case--wasn’t an asshole.

Beechon still can’t write Cass Cain, though.

3) Meghan Fitzmartin.

She's mostly got a very solid understanding of Tim, if not his relationship with some of the others. Typically one that's honestly not paid attention too for so long, it's just made to be generic, pretty, and bland.

There's a few flaws in the way she writes Tim, that, while small, are just not enough to make her go higher. Plus, you know. Revealed Tim's gay. Which is pretty nice.

Like this could just be me needing to reread, but I felt she made Tim take himself way too seriously. Tim never took himself too seriously. He took the job and being Robin seriously, but not himself. So sometimes when the story was focused on purely Timmy, he felt just a bit off.

4) Alan Grant

Though never a writer of Tim's solo, as far as I am aware. He wrote some of his earliest stories, and among them at least a hand full of his most important stories. I also think that he understood Tim's more childish side compared to Dixon, who I saw gave Tim a line about insurance deficits or something--like a 14-year-old boy would even care to do that, let alone reference it.

I think his biggest flaw if I remember right, was just that Tim's dialogue could be worded like he was tryna think of how a 90s kid would talk. Which dates it a bit. But mostly he was just fine and it fit in with how Tim was established to speak in his origin. A little kid doing his best to sound smart, with enough innocence, and naiveté, and with a genuine kid voice in there that makes it all work within what his origin establishes about him.

How well Alan Grant always achieved that--eh, but, still. I remember him being quite good. And I think he deserves more credit than he's given since he helped establish Tim, alongside Marv Wolfman, and Dixon.

5) Chuck Dixon.

While stated before he's not a morally great person. Who's bigoted opinions are shown well through his own contradictions made in his attempts to defend himself. He still wrote a very good Tim, and Tim's best stories. His biggest flaws to me, where sometimes feeling like he forgot what a kid was like within Tim's dialogue. It would sometimes be very good, which, that's part of writing a very good Tim. But every now and again Tim--didn't really feel like himself, and talked more like I imagine Dixon would speak. Going from a joke Tim would make that references TMNT to a joke only a curmudgeonly 30-year-old man would make, is very distracting.

And every now and again would portray Tim as a bit too mature, or--something along those lines if not the exact word to use. Tim was a light hearted kid that used his brightness to make Bruce hopefully remember his own light side. Dixon at times would struggle at this and write Tim more like how Dick would get at, at Bruce, and not Tim himself. Or just overall have Tim say something that, I really don't think the same kid from Lonely Place of Dying would be saying. He also made Tim proper mean in the few things of Young Justice he wrote. Clearly not understanding the Young Justice dynamic. Like Dixon couldn't help but leak out his own cynicism on a character literally created to be idealistic and a bit of an optimist.

He's a writer that could easily be one of Tim's best writers, which he showed with series like Tim's first Robin mini. Where, while Tim was portrayed as a bit more mature than in Lonely Place of Dying. Made more sense as his "mommy" had just died and he was trying to prove he's not just a kid. While also writing him to show just how much of a kid he really was deep down with his obliviousness and naiveté.

That still persisted in the solo, but there's just some moments where it's like. "He does remember what Tim's like right? And what a kid is like?" Which would created inconsistency among the Batman or Detective Comics writer that still had Tim just a bit more closer to his lighthearted naïve, but ready to prove himself roots.

Not to say this makes Tim's solo bad, but the more I've read it the more I noticed odd moments, I think towards the middle, and some even more towards the end where it could get very noticeable. Tim by the end of his run didn't always feel like Tim, and when he did, more often than not a very bland two dimensional version. Though there’s a few moments like that even in the beginning.

--

If I can think of anymore I'll add them, but as it is now, that's the best I can think of, and tried to give my reasons as to why on their positioning.

[daydreamreality]

Thinking about actor availability, and how that affects my perception of Jess and how strongly I feel about shipping Literati.

Really thought this would only be a few paragraphs going over the points where Jess could have disappeared never to be seen again, but it turned into a freaking essay so LONG POST warning if you decide to click ahead. 

If the last we saw of Jess was hanging up the phone in the season 3 finale: "Well, it was fun ride while it lasted. That's about how I thought this would end." Still have a lot empathy for this kid and wish him well, but you screwed with Rory's heart like I knew would happen. Was that intentional? No. But he was so immature, out of control with his emotions, zero communication skills, not trusting in others...the list of reasons why he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even if the feelings were serious, goes on. There was no way Rory wasn't going to end up as collateral damage in his personal breakdown that I could feel was going to happen. And this is the thought I had as a teenager with no dating experience watching this show for the first time. Did I want to date him? Hell no! I could see that trainwreck from a mile away. Rory was naïve to put her heart in his trust but that's part of her good qualities - she's sees the best in people and champions for them. I could go on a tangent about why exactly Jess was such an important character to me when I first watched the show (and probably why he stuck around unconsciously until I decided on a whim to rewatch GG in lockdown) but...I don't know, maybe some other time.

In the context of the entire show, I would look back at the relationship as my favorite one to watch of Rory's in the series (The build-up! The connection! Their deep belief in and respect for each other! The angst!) and Jess being a really fun character to root for (and yell at) but endgame? It was a short lived but important relationship. It’s fun to think about what ifs and how circumstances could have changed to make it work, but we can move on.

The ill-fated spin-off: I have no idea what this show would have been about except focusing on Jess and Jimmy and I’m not about to theorize. I still like Jess at this point so it would probably make me like him more since we’re getting a deeper dive into his character, but in regard to shipping him with Rory, this opinion would not change unless he all of sudden showed some great maturity. But I doubt this show would have even gotten a whole season so that probably wouldn’t happen. And then he’s living in California…this is too much, moving on.

If the last we see of Jess is in season 4: About the same feeling as above. Life, as expected, has not been treating Jess well. At all. His jadedness and hostility is at an all-time high when he shows up to get his car. Do I see the reasons informing his behavior and have empathy (once again, for a KID)? Yes, but he's also being a jerk. "The years don't seem to have hardened you." Well this year sure has!

I love the "I love you" scene but too little too late, buddy. That's probably why I love it, it's all a bit hopeless. Just keep shoveling the angst at me. I do like fics where this scene is reimagined with Rory running after him to give him a piece of her mind or Jess finding some other words to say (I really feel like he had more to say there but got overwhelmed), and coming to a tentative reconciliation: exchanging numbers, "don't fall off the face of the earth," but getting back together? No. You hurt her and you're feeling the consequences. Rory is not obligated or responsible to reciprocate those feelings, nor is she in a place to do that right now. 

But season 4 does cement that Luke and Jess's relationship is one of my favorites in the entire show. There's probably a whole other post in me regarding that so I'll keep it brief. Because of his respect for Luke, Jess makes tentative steps towards maturing in interpersonal relationships. He shows some vulnerability and honesty with a veil of sarcasm and awkwardness because, well, it's JESS.

But then of course this all goes to hell when applied to Rory. Sometimes I like to think how this dorm scene would have gone down if Rory stepped back for a second and went, "Hold on. You're not making any sense, chill out," and they could have talked a bit and had a similar reconciliation like I said above because I really think that’s all he was going for - to talk to her, apologize, and make an attempt at reciprocation like he did with Luke. But getting back together here? Canonically, he hasn't made enough progress. He set aside his personal feelings to be in his mother's wedding and used the knowledge from the self-help book to apologize to Luke, but I don't think the book's message has sunk in all the way yet and he’s still got a massive chip on his shoulder preventing him from making a good life for himself. Getting rejected by Rory here is an important moment and I really like it. It's fun to think about the AU if Rory had said yes (hello road trip!), but it's very in-character for her to not be able to handle Jess's crisis and just shouting "NO, make it stop." This is one of my proudest of Rory moments: Protect your heart girl, he ain't ready. The seeds have been planted that Jess will continue to grow and I wish him well on his journey. Endgame material? Nah. Goodbye forever, take care my friend...

Even though this scene doesn't feel like closure at all, I really thought this was the end of Jess Mariano. So imagine my surprise when -

SEASON 6: HE'S BACK. Coming out of the shadows, [literally] it's Jess Marianoooo *air horns* *confetti* *jazz hands* *Jess rolls his eyes at the fanfare*

Alright, that's out of my system. But for real that's what my mind did at this point. For context, the way I watched this show for the first time was getting the DVDs from the library while a couple of seasons were still on the air; when a new season was available to borrow, I would rewatch all the seasons up to the current point so my memories and favorite parts of the show are seasons 1-4. Because I was not bingeing the show all the way through, seeing Jess here seemingly so different didn’t feel out of place. A shock, yes! A happy surprise. But nothing about him seemed OOC. A year had gone by, we’d seen some signs of maturity in him, and getting rejected by Rory was a big kick in the ass for him to start making bigger changes in his life. I really cannot emphasize how satisfying and sensical his positive character development felt to me. 

The slight maturity we see in season 4 in its full potential. Jess is still Jess: guarded, self-deprecating, and a bit prickly but he shows a sense of calm and feeling more comfortable in his skin. This is really satisfying to see as someone who always "knew" there was a kind and capable heart underneath the exterior just like Rory did, and that tough guy, must protect myself at all costs posturing has melted away. But that side of him isn't gone, it's not like the writing did a complete 180 on his character. I love this. He's just...more at peace with himself but he's not a different person, and he's found something to direct his focus and intellect on. He's made his peace with Luke, and now he has something of worth to show Rory to try to mend that hurt as well.

Yes, it would have been nice to see how and why he decided to write a book and work in publishing but this course of events is not out of left field, nor is Jess enough of a main character at this point for scenes like this to be necessary to the show unless they were tied to Luke and showing another side of him. Jess has shown in the past that he has a good work ethic if he feels it is worth it. The problem wasn't him being lazy, just poor decision making and focusing on RIGHT NOW, "I need to get out of Stars Hollow and live my life," and not considering the consequences of his actions. Which as an immature kid whose life had told him he can only depend on himself...not out of the ordinary. The dude’s life passion is literature and has probably read every book he can get his hands on, it’s not crazy that he had his own story in him. 

Here is where Literati becomes endgame material for me. Prior to the revival it was always my feeling that post-series they would reconnect while Rory was on the campaign or afterwards. It would be low drama (except for Lorelai criticism), slowly gaining trust in each other again, and eventually starting a committed relationship within a year or two of being friends with sexual tension (lol). They made their adolescent mistakes, hurt each other, but learned from it and started over on infinitely better footing.

The match just makes sense to me at this point for many reasons; I don't feel like I need to list them all out because you can go to any pro-Literati post and I'll probably agree with the majority of the points. The biggest issue they had was timing: “Right heart, wrong time.” I like especially how they even out each other's more extreme personality traits. For example, Rory learning from Jess to consider her own feelings instead of sacrificing herself for others, and Jess considering others before himself all the time. Or professionally, I can see Jess encouraging her to step away from her ultra-organized, “everything has to be just so” ways when it benefits her to seize an opportunity right now, don’t worry about the details, you got this. Maybe Jess has another book in him, but his self-deprecation and disorganization prevent him from getting it done but Rory helps him be more objective and focused. There’s this…synergistic energy I feel with the two of them: they’re great by themselves, but form something better together.

Judging from Rory's reactions towards him in this season, I don't think it's OOC for her to have romantic feelings for him again. She's extremely proud of his accomplishments and not unhappy to see him (not holding a grudge). They fall back into their comfortable dynamic even if it makes them both a bit nervous. Now some could argue that this means that Rory only wants to be friends with him but...when have Jess and Rory ever been just friends? If "Another Year in the Life" comes out (I've got serious doubts but would love to be proved wrong) and Rory rejects him or he's not even a part of it, fine! But I just don't see anything in canon that says explicitly she'll never feel romantic towards him again.

Now the kiss...there's a lot of ways to read that scene. Do I think Jess was in the right to assume "everything is fixed" as a go ahead? No. But that's part of why he is such an engaging character: he's impulsive and acts in accordance to his feelings, and yes, this gets himself and others in trouble. 

Do I think Rory purposefully went to the open house to "use" Jess to get back at Logan? No. I think she genuinely wanted to support him, and Logan being out of town meant she wouldn't have to explain why it was important for her to go. I see the kiss paralleling the one in 2x22 but instead of Rory not being able to hold her feelings in any longer, Jess initiates. The way I see it is she was unaware she still had lingering feelings towards him (not out of nowhere, I mean their relationship has "unfinished business" written all over it) and that scared the crap out of her, just like at the end of season 2. So she runs away to the "safe space" that is being with Logan. Because she's in love with Logan, she has a sense of obligation towards him, and Rory has shown many times that she does not react well to change and highly emotional situations.

Is this scene a deal breaker for a future relationship between them? I don't think so. Jess says that he isn't sorry she came, which I take as "I'll never be sorry to see you no matter the context." Yes, this hurt him and made him pretty mad, but I don't think he's holding a grudge against her for this; even in the moment he's more concerned that someone cheated on her and her safety getting to her car. He sets a boundary that he doesn't deserve his feelings to be pushed around like this and Rory agrees. Not that I condone this sort of tit-for-tat hurting of each other (which I don't think Rory was going for in the first place) but it's almost like...that cycle is now broken. The whole scene is so open ended, it doesn't feel like a "good bye forever" to Jess.

"But Rory is so in love with Logan!" I don't know about you, but that "I'm in love with him despite all the bad he's done..." sounds so defeated and sad. It's almost like she's resigned herself to being in love with Logan. The first time I watched this, I thought this was foreshadowing that the relationship was on its last legs. To keep them together, Logan almost dies so Rory will bury her hurt out of guilt for holding a grudge against him. She is completely entitled to feeling hurt by Logan's actions, and I hate that she feels like she has to do this. But it happened, moving on.

"But Rory is a cheater!" When I think about Rory's characteristics, "cheater" doesn't make the list. She feels entitled to the men that she's loved and this isn’t super great behavior, but I don't view her as inherently unfaithful or okay with cheating. I give her leeway on the season 2 Jess kiss because she was a teenager with a lot of conflicting emotions and everything around her was pushing her to stay with Dean. The season 4 Dean debacle...she was still very young and naïve. I put most of the blame on Dean for manipulating her; I say most because if Rory really wanted to be with him, she should have been more sure of the status of his marriage, but I repeat: he manipulated her and she was very young and naïve. I dare to say she has been conditioned to view Dean as nothing but safe and trustworthy so why wouldn't she believe him... Season 4 was all about her being out of sorts when away from the Stars Hollow bubble and trying to reclaim some normalcy. Narratively, I see why this makes sense and I don't think the intention was to say “Rory is okay with cheating,” but to show very explicitly that Rory isn't perfect. This show goes to extremes, at this point I kind of just accept it and don't jump to "this person/character is terrible!" Certain characteristics and behaviors I have less patience for (mild) or will make me lose all respect for a character (extreme - honestly very few GG characters fall into this category for me); you may feel differently and that's fine. When other plot points in this series are much more bizarre and OOC, while this turn of events makes me uncomfortable and angry, at least it makes sense to me.

The 6x18 kiss I've already said that I don't think Rory had premeditated intent to cheat on Logan judging from the fact that Jess initiated it; yes, she went with it nor was it a complete surprise, I get this. The "I couldn't even cheat on him..." line I think is an outburst of guilt and regret, not her saying she had a plan in mind. Maybe I'm being too soft on her, I don't know...she did stay there late but maybe she just got lost in the book while waiting to say bye. We've seen her not know how to deal with conflicting emotions and change to her status quo, and attempt to distract herself when life isn't panning out the way she wants and not think about the consequences in the moment, so I don't find this scene OOC or intentionally cruel. The revival...I don’t think I can even go there right now because it would just be me screaming incoherently about how much I hate "full circle" and how bizarre the entire thing was. Maybe something of value would eventually come out with a lot of editing. XD

This isn’t to say I’m 100% on Rory’s side all the time. Pretty much every character in this show has at some point made me smile, made me laugh (generally with them, but some characters it’s more like at), made me want to give them a hug, made me roll my eyes, and made me want to throw something at them. That’s why I love it so much! Even if the drama is turned up to 1000, I still get the sense that these characters are human. My favs end up on my “will protect at all costs” and “shit” lists throughout the series, no one is immune. Except Lane. She really is the best person in this entire show. #JusticeForLaneKim

If ASP had written season 7: (Remember there being some sort of theme to this post? Only two episodes in s6, but Jess sure does make an impact.) I bet Jess would show up at some point. MV is loyal to the creators and not the show, if it was important for Jess to be there I’m sure his shooting schedule would have been accounted for. Storyline would have been similar to the revival because AYITL is ASPs season she didn’t get to do without considering how time passing affects the characters (I’M STILL SALTY) except Rory is at Yale and I think the book was a new idea. Shipping as endgame doesn’t change, and I bet there wouldn’t be a nice little Literati ending because we’ve got to end it the same way, right? I don't even need them to be together at the end because Rory has greater plans to focus on, but just a moment! One moment is all I asked for... I don’t know if this makes me mad because I felt like the narrative had been pushing us along this path for so long even if actual "endgame" was going to be offscreen or if I kind of like just having it in my imagination. Little bit of column A, little bit of column B. In any case, it could have been cool to see Jess present for the birth of his half-sister and giving Luke some support. 

Like I said, I'm not touching AYITL right now. The whole starting point of this was, "huh, if MV never came back to the show, how would I feel about Jess and Literati?" And he was in it so it doesn't really fit into this even though we've gone on a meandering journey as pieces of discourse that have never sat right with me but didn't quite know how to express that disagreement until now popped in my mind. So there you go. If you’ve made it to end, claps to you, what a champ.

At the end of the day, Literati is the ship that makes me feel the most things, it's kind of just a gut thing. This really isn't any sort of argument just an outpouring of love for the show and these characters. I don't know how well that's communicated, but hey, I try. I’ve got a lot of nostalgia for the pairing and I always viewed Jess as being Rory’s, and only Rory’s, choice.

[pinkhairedlily]

The Spring He Came Back

Chapter 9 of The Spring He Came Back | 9 of 12

Hitsugaya did not reply to her question about which flowers he needed. Hinamori took the hint that he wasn’t there to buy so what was he here for?

“Are you busy? Can you show me around?”

She wanted to shout in response, Why should I have to?

“I don’t think it’s rational that you can waltz right in here and then ask me to give up a day’s business to be your tour guide,” she replied, trying to be nonchalant. He could have asked Rangiku or any of the three Rs to accompany him so why her? Did he have a score to settle with her? Was this an added punishment? Or was this his way of reconciliation? Was she reading into his actions too much? She eventually sighed. “I guess the youngest Physics prodigy could be an exemption.”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” he quipped, adjusting his glasses on his nose, a new quirk Hinamori quickly caught on. She was crazy to think everything will remain the same. It will never be.

--------------------

They walked together in fragile, awkward silence, held together by the noise of the crowds. She showed him the recent sights in town, reacquainting the stranger with the streets he once frequented before. Eventually, they arrived in front of the library. It was the library where Hitsugaya first discovered his dreams, and it was also the library which was part of Hinamori’s downfall.

“It’s still here, huh?” Hitsugaya shifted his stance ever so slightly.

She overcame her shame and her fear and walked through the library’s doors again three years ago. She was reinstated as its most dedicated visitor and reader but not for reasons in the past. Shunned by the gates of formal education, she relied on herself to learn. That was the only way. Though the haunting feelings lingered, she no longer felt guilt and pain, only regret for her younger, naïve self who did not know better. Teenage shrieks broke through her reverie.

“Dr. Hitsugaya!” “He’s here! He’s the real deal!” “I can’t believe you came back to your hometown. Will you do consultations here?” “Can you sign my copy of your book, Professor?”

Hinamori took a few steps back, wavering from the physical manifestation of Hitsugaya’s newfound popularity. He calmly provided their requests with a charm she never thought he had. It was like he put on a persona so far from the glaring, moody Hitsugaya. When the little commotion died down, they found themselves again in company of the fragile, awkward silence. She was wondering if he wanted to go here to spite her.

“Can we go somewhere else?” he asked. She wondered if he noticed her discomfort.

“Which place do you have in mind?”

They rented bicycles, and she followed his lead. He stopped in front of the science museum which was crowded with onlookers, tourists, and students on field trips. The foot traffic was so bad they stayed on the side walk. “It’s not here anymore.”

He was talking about the daffodil meadow, their yellow meadow of happiness. But she wasn’t ready to talk yet. “Are you back for good?”

Hitsugaya kept adjusting his glasses. “I’m not sure, but I’ll be here for a week. Do you want to go inside?”

It was evident they were tiptoeing and dancing at the brink of each other’s thoughts. It was nearing six in the evening when the two of them stepped out of the museum.

“Um, I’m gonna have dinner with the Byakuya and Unohana. Is it okay if we part here?” She expected too much from this reunion. Of course, their friendship will never survive a decade of disconnection and distrust. Well, at the very least, he was apologetic.

--------------------

Hinamori was washing dishes when she heard spaced out knocks on their door. “Baba, please let me get that for you.” She hurriedly wiped her hands on her apron and rushed out the kitchen, only to find her grandmother chuckling with tears with their evening visitor. “Shirou?”

He covered his face with his hands, blushing in embarrassment. “I forgot to book a hotel.” He wrapped his arms around Baba and hugged her again, the older woman sniffling in return. “I missed you Baba. I hope I’m not an inconvenience.”

“You silly, silly kid. This was your second home, remember? Help me to my room please.” Baba leaned on him for support. Hitsugaya and Hinamori caught each other’s glances, the former asking a silent request for understanding and the latter smiling in response.

When Baba was finally asleep, they opened the sliding door to the patio and watched the spring sky burst into sprinkles of tiny lights. Hinamori offered him a cup of coffee, wondering if it was still the same brew he liked. Their fingers touched on contact, and Hinamori almost flinched as she quickly moved away her hand.

“The hill,” Hitsugaya started. “It’s not there anymore too. I’m sorry we cannot sneak out like before.”

Hinamori almost blushed, but there probably wasn’t any meaning to those words. “It’s all right. I can’t leave Baba anyway.”

That last sentence probably took Hitsugaya back to that night when he got angry and disappointed with Hinamori. It was a matter still unresolved, and she was unsure when was the right time to stop skirting about their past so they hanged around until the coffee ran out.

“I should sleep.” Hitsugaya was standing up when Hinamori caught his sleeve. She didn’t meet his eyes, but she gestured towards the sky now lit up with a meteor shower.

Hoping he was still distracted by the array of lights, she mustered up what little courage she had. “Do you despise me?” She kept her gaze on the night sky, its velvet darkness replacing the fading race of the stars. Her peripheral vision registered pain flickering on his face. He left in the middle of winter, when nightmares were the strongest and ghosts were the loudest. She drowned in guilt and self-pity for a long time until she decided to take back her spring.

Hitsugaya sighed in exasperation and ruffled his long hair. “Momo, I-“ He sighed again, probably phrasing the words in his head on how to deliver this to her in the best way possible. It was the academia’s training, so far from the younger version of him when he used to say anything. “I’m sorry for leaving that way. I needed to.”

“Do I disgust you?” This dull pain was the friend that always followed her at a safe distance, but now it stared her right in the face.

He knelt beside her and gently touched the locks of her short hair. When she turned to look at him, he cupped her face and held her gaze. “You’ll never disgust me, Momo. The me that time will never be the one you would have needed. You were angry at me as well, and I thought you needed to heal on your own terms without me trying to break through your walls.”

“Our friends told me everything. I knew it wasn’t you who ratted me out.” Her hands went to his hands and reacquainted herself with his warmth. Ten winters’ worth of tears and worry brimmed to the surface. “But it’s true. I hated you, the academy, and then, myself. It was a long struggle for me to realize that all the blame stemmed from Aizen, and we all got played. It was him that was the root of all my anger and all my sadness. I was riddled with guilt and fear because I have never truly explained myself to you.”

“You should know I have never thought of you that way. Because you are a good person, and Aizen took advantage of that.”

Hinamori allowed herself to sob in Hitsugaya’s arms. The gates of relief opened and for the first time in ten years, she allowed herself to say Aizen’s name without getting the strong urge to end her life. Probably because she moved on, probably because Hitsugaya came back, probably because it was all in the past. “I just wish you wrote a letter or two, you know. I was worried what you thought of me.”

“I was worried you might not have me.” Understanding what he implied, Hinamori removed herself from his embrace and took off his glasses. They were not graded lenses. She also combed her fingers through his hair, arranging the strands to look more like the younger Hitsugaya she knew and less than the other person.

“I ran like crazy on the train platform.”

“And I almost got off when I saw your face.” He laughed. “But the ticket was so expensive.”

Hinamori hit his arm lightly. “I’m not joking, Shirou-chan. Was it because we were friends? Did they think you also plagiarized your works?”

He sat cross-legged across her and took her hands in his. She was familiar with the rugged terrain of his palms, but hers had become smaller in size and his fingers engulfed her fists in their space. All of a sudden, she felt shy. “The board also found out about our secret room so my mentors advised me to cease all communications. I cannot put you through all that pain again. You did not deserve it. It was better for us that way, wasn’t it?”

“You left for me?”

“If I stayed, the trials would have been endless. Rangiku, Renji, and Rukia would have also been put under the spotlight. Your communication was also tracked by the board so I didn’t write to add to your burden. Besides, it was not hard to find universities outside Soul Society. I’m sorry I was not able to tell you all that.”

She surmised he also had something to do with Aizen’s complete exodus from the academe, the reason why her ban got lifted, and why she was able to remain close friends with three Rs. Even from afar, he was protecting her. She wondered whether the current him would have the present her. She became conscious of her hands still held by his, but she did not remove them despite the intense warmth flooding her cheeks.

“So um…why were you looking for flowers earlier?” Wow, nice change of topic, Momo.

His fingers were mindlessly drifting over her fists, gently tracing the lines, as if he was memorizing them again. He must not have been aware of it. “You know how Rangiku is always at a bar so I guessed and found her there. She gave me the address of a flower shop and told me to get flowers. As if she could read the question on my face. I was looking for you, Momo.”

Realizing what he was doing, he carefully let go of her hands and turned to the side to hide the flush that crept to his cheeks.

“Wow, straightforward Shirou.” Hinamori tried to laugh it off. “Why don’t you tell me your stories?”

“Eh? You might sleep on me.”

“I can always brew coffee and tea. And what do you mean sleep? You were always the sleepyhead between us!”

“Says the one who always slept in the secret room. Was my lap that soft?”

“That was different! Well, it was comfortable.”

“Oh, are you insinuating something else? Hinamori, you bad girl.” He teased her. ”On the other hand, were you insulting me? My lap is not that soft anymore. I exercised to get strong thighs.”

“You are the one insinuating something. My God, you must have a lot of girls fallen in love with you.”

“It sucked having to reject them though. I felt so conflicted.”

“You’re really bragging right now? Insufferable.” Would it be weird to ask him if he has anyone? Not that it mattered to her, she was just curious.

Hitsugaya relented to her request, and they spent the night exchanging stories of their personal journeys. It didn’t escape Hinamori’s notice that he purposely avoided talking about these girls and went on and on about his experiments and his encounters with boomers. Her stories didn’t obviously hold a candle to his achievements, but he listened just as intently when she shared how she built her flower shop business from the ground. She promised he would have his share at the year-end since he was her first major investor, but he waved the proposal away.

Baba found them huddled together outside at the break of dawn, a large fleece blanket covering the both of them, Hinamori’s head comfortably resting on Hitsugaya’s shoulder. She smiled, finally smelling the arrival of spring after a harsh winter.

NEXT CHAPTER | 10 OF 12 | GRAB IT BEFORE IT PASSES

[kurtty-drabbles]

Misfit au (revealing)

@djinmer4

N/A: ideas make the world turn around. Djinmer4 give me some ideas and now, this chapter exists. Columbina is really smart, but, a bit naïve and I think that´s a combination I can like. I think that Kitty´s group still using the Suicide Squad is a bit cruel, especially as it is linked to tragedy, so, they´re now the Siren.

Captain Washington asked for help of all heroes, and in a turn of events that shocked no one, she asked Columbina´s help as well along with the others Sirens to defeat a super-villain that can control time, It was a very intense battle that highlights each one best ability. In the end, the good guys defeat the villain. (“We´re not the good guys, we´re neutral part” “Oh, my bad, Columbina”)

The side effect is that everyone is extremely tired, especially one Columbina, Blink and Warpath went together home, the couple makes no secret they are together, Polaris is behind talking with White Witch and QuickFlash, Ice Woman is showing some energy to the fire type heroine FireAngel( now making impossible for Tory to make fun of Kitty´s liaison with Creepy) and finally, Doc Croc went with Dark Claw, in few words, both will capture the rogue villain that was helping the primary villain of the week.

Columbina is far too tired to crack jokes, instead, she flies away and immediately spots her house. She weirds out a little as her house seems bigger than usually is, but, then again, she´s tired and everything looks different in the dark.

Columbina saw her couch and shirking herself as a cat would. It didn't need much to make Columbina sleep and have nice dreams, it was a shame Creepy wasn´t there in the mission, but, she can fill him in later.

Kurt Ryder wakes up in his usual time. Groaning loudly the man leave the bed and went to the kitchen to make the breakfast, as usual, except, one sleeping Columbina is in his view. And a smile plays on his face as the woman does sleep as her namesake suggests. Like a kitty.

Finally, Columbina wakes up, again, resembling an adorable cat, and looks around confused for a moment and then her eyes(still with her make up intact) search and found Kurt Ryder and quickly jumps from the couch. “What are you doing in my house? Wait, that´s not my house, what am I doing here?”

Kurt Ryder is so thankful for the acting lessons he had or else he would burst laughter now.”That´s my house, Columbina, and I´m about to make breakfast, would mind to join me?” The explanation Columbina offers is that she misses her own house, which again, Kurt is amused but is still keeping a professional look. Columbina is now trying to fix this little mistake a civilian can´t know who she is nor has any contact with Columbina.

They eat breakfast, well, Columbina had to make as Ryder is a terrible cooker. “How?” is the only question she made and without waiting for an answer is doing breakfast (Ryder manages to explode their breakfast and spoiling his own shirt) and Ryder is being really professional about it.

Once real food is put on the table, she is gazing upon him. The famous reporter of “you´re wrong” is right next to her and Kitty knows how Kurt Ryder is the type to go all the way for a new.  Time to cut the evil by its root.

“Look, Ryder” she forgets to make her fake accent and quickly adjust this situation, however, the accent seems a bit Germanic now and Kurt Ryder is being too professional, while, Kitty is blushing and pretending to clear her throat. “I mean, Look, Ryder, I´m a dangerous person and I´d admit I made a mistake last night” Kitty feels as she just had one night stand and is trying to leave this prompts her to blush again, thank god for the good make up “and I need to know you won´t babble about this. My secret life needs to be kept as a secret”

Kurt Ryder can understand that. “I can understand that. So, rest assured, Columbina, no one will know what happened last night” Kurt Ryder can play with words too.

Kitty blushes and went far beyond than what she was planning. “Look, if you break this promise I can call Creepy to visit you and he won´t like “ Kitty crosses her arms and looks intimidating enough, at least, that´s what she hopes for.

Kurt Ryder is thankful for the acting lessons. “Oh, really?! I somehow doubt you can make Nightcreeper do anything he does not want to do”

Kitty just smirks “Wanna bet? Ryder, you may be strong, but, Creepy is way stronger and the man really likes to protect me” Kitty nods remembering the last event they face together, without her knowing, Ryder is thinking the same.

“Oh, then, by all means, maybe, you should call him now. In fact, “Ryder gives her his phone “go call him now, I think this is something he needs to know”

Kitty pretends to dial a number (the art of faking pressing digits is overreacting) and pretends to call with Creepy. Somehow, there´s something wrong in this scene that she can´t put a finger on. “So, yeah, if he babbles out…you´ll kick his ass? Thanks”

Kurt Ryder is so thankful for the acting lessons.

Kitty Pryde meet Kurt Ryder in the halfway of his studio, a cacophony of sounds are being made and Kitty sees Ryder in the centre of attention of everyone. The man stops giving an order(much to the interns' relief) once spotting Kitty Pryde.

“Everyone, break of 5 minutes” Ryder suggest/order and no one is questioned the perfectionist.

“Uh, sorry, I didn´t mean to stop your work” Kitty starts once they are on a coffee and the man just waves off saying he needs a break anyway and he prefers to drink coffee with her then give orders to his interns.

Kitty is biting her lips as she summons the courage to ask. “So, anything out of normal happens to you? I mean, on my way here I saw Green Tempest fighting with her boyfriend and it was a loud fight”

Kurt Ryder is too amused now. “No, actually, nothing happens with me, my morning was pretty mundane, was the fight that serious?” Kurt asked noticing her shock face. “Oh, yes, I think they were in a love triangle, so, your morning was…normal? Nothing of extraordinary happens?”

Kurt puts his coffee down and then looks at her. “Well, something did happen” and Kitty is looking at him firmly. “I wake up and that´s extraordinary”

Kitty is speechless. Kurt continues speaking. “Actually, since we´re here, do you still want more tips for your show? Making fun of journalism should be made but…you need the right pieces” Kitty blinks and nods.

And they spend more than 5 minutes talking and Kitty is taking notes. Somehow, this begins their routine. And Kitty can say the man is trustworthy.

“You know, when I heard about you, I thought you were just arrogant, but, now, I can see you´re more than that and I´m impressed with how much you conquered in such short time” Kitty speaks and Kurt Ryder can offer a smile mixing a bit of gratefulness and smugness.

“You did conquer a lot too. Your show, for example, is rare to see a show where the humour is not based on racism or sexism. You´re far intelligent than you give credit for”

“I just make fun of Columbina, but, maybe I self-project into her…” her face is devoid of her usual smile and Kurt Ryder wants to know what happened on Kitty´s past, what she´s hiding

“Well, then, believe me, you´re far more intelligent than you give credit for,” Ryder said in a soft tone.

“So, I could be a reporter like you?”

“Uhm, with lots of training I´d not see why not” ____________________________________________________________________ Kitty is back at her place and is ready to call a day and enjoy a nice free night, however, a green furry lunatic has other plans. Nightcreeper is on the balcony on her house far too amused as the man points out the many fun spots he could find.

“Creepy!” Kitty replied happy to see the man, until, she realizes he never actually meet Kitty Pryde, so, she changes her demur to a scared woman. “Who are you, you creepy dude?” and Kitty has the broom in her hands as an improvised weapon.

Creepy is only giggling madly at this. “Cute, very cute,” he said as adjusting his boa and then sitting on her coach, he mentioned, how her coach is smaller than it should be and Kitty has no idea what he meant by that. “I´m here to see you”

“what?”

“Yeah, Columbina called me saying Ryder is may giving her trouble and I thought, hey, the best time to see how Columbina is doing on her free night” Creepy explained giving one of his smiles and is pleased that she´s sitting next to him.

“You knew I was Columbina the entire time?”

“Of course, I didn´t tell you?”

Nightcreeper is on patrol and Columbina is right along with him, Dark Claw is asking for help and the lunatic has no problem in going cartoony with the rescue plan. Columbina watches as the Hyena´s henchman flee in fear as the lunatic is giggling chasing after the criminals. Columbina is really only watching.

Bullets do nothing for Nightcreeper. Knives mean nothing.

And the Hyena even try to run over Nightcreeper, which, of course, it fails completely and the Hyena is begging to be arrested. Dark Claw and Jubilee arrive, having to take the hostages of Hyena to a safe place, and are ready to lock Hyena away for good.

“Creepy, that was amazing,” she said and the lunatic beams at her compliments. “So, Creepy, can I introduce you to Ryder? I mean, I know he won´t tell my secret but…if he sees you …”

Nightcreeper laughs and shakes his head. “No, sounds boring, let´s do something else”

Jubilee and Dark Claw look at each other. “So, she still has no clue?”

Columbina is a creature of habits, she knows that, so if Kitty Pryde has a habit of always meeting Kurt Ryder and talking with him, then, Columbina has the same one. The man is reading the news as Columbina arrives.

“If you want me to keep your secret as a secret show up in broad daylight is not the way to go” Ryder chastised her a little, but, Columbina waves him off.

“Green Tempest and her boyfriend are made up and no longer bowling, is on twitter now” and Columbina´s words are true. “I´m here to…” she stops her dark tone when she looks at the kitchen “AGAIN?”

Kurt Ryder just smiles apologetically. And once again, Columbina has to make him breakfast. Once is done she said. “Look, I talk with Creepy and he won´t do anything with you, it was difficult to convince him but he won´t hurt you, I can trust you”

“Thanks, I can sleep better now”

“But” now her eyes are a bit dark and Ryder has to admit now she looks 10x hotter “I need to know what is your intentions with Kitty Pryde” and then she amends by adding “she´s my favourite actress and I don´t see her in pain” her eyes narrow at him and again, she gets 10x hotter now. Thank god, he´s not on his Creepy form.

“My intentions with Kitty Pryde are the best. I want to date her if she wants me”

This caught Columbina out of the guard. “I ask around about your love life and well, Kitty Pryde does need to deal with any crazy ex”

“Fair enough, but, I´d want to date her, my crazy ex is just that. Crazy and my ex. There´s no love triangle here” Kurt is really good at acting “she´s cute, smart, resilient and ambitious. Many people ask me why I would want her, and honestly, those people are blind, why no one would want to date a woman like her?”

Columbina is looking away cleaning her make up as she´s crying a little. “Well, ok, I´m just making sure as you know…no crazy ex” Kurt nods “ and if you do something with her…I´ll call Creepy”

Kurt nods sagely.

“Creepy?” Columbina asked resting her face on his chest who is vibrating as the man is laughing maniacally “one, don´t do evil laughter, you don´t need, and two, what are we?”

“A physiological question to make. Maybe we´re just characters from a fanfiction, who knows?”

“No that, I mean, us. Would you be mad if I accept someone´s else invitation to a date, would you be mad?” Creepy now looks at Columbina. “Who?” his voice is showing displeasure and Columbina adds. “Kurt Ryder” and that´s the magic word as the man is back to his happy crazy self.

“Oh, no, not a problem, Katzchen” Creepy promised.

Columbina blinks.

Kurt Ryder asking Kitty Pryde is big news for the interns and works. Vera Sweet is giving all the details of the fact (“He was pinning over her, it was so obvious” “True, do you think she likes him” “Duh”)

Meanwhile, the date is going alright. Kitty Pryde is an honest person and she won´t lie to him. “Look, I´m also dating a lunatic and the lunatic knows about you”

“Really? What´s the name of the lunatic?”

“You seem far too calm, but ok, is Nightcreeper”

“You like that lunatic?”

“Yes, but, I like you too…and Oh, I must sound confusing or selfish”

“No, not really, I´m Nightcreeper and I appreciate you like me no matter what”

After an explanation and apology, Kitty understands what happened. So, of course, she throws a glass of water on his face (“really? Why you didn´t tell me this before?!” “sorry, I thought you did knew”) the couple is now talking about future.

Bonus: “So, are you telling me, she never knew you and Nightcreeper were the same person?” Logan asked in one of the hottest bars in New Gotham.

“Nope”

“But…she knew right away I was Dark Claw”

“Logan, this is not a hard thing to discover”

[arokaladin]

right so after seeing me moan the other day that I’d never get to tell Brandon Sanderson how grateful I am for Kaladin coming across as so aro to me, @lupitup messaged me saying they’d be able to get a message to him through someone they knew and so I wrote over 1500 words, 

anyway if you’d like to read it too, here it is!

oathbringer spoilers under the cut

Dear Mr Sanderson,

This letter, if you can call it that, is not intended to be unsolicited advice about your characters, nor even really a suggestion. I trust your plans for your own writing immensely and even if I didn’t I respect your right to your own decisions. Merely, I want to explain why from the point of view of an aromantic, the way you have so far chosen to write Kaladin Stormblessed is so incredibly important.

As someone who has expressed interest in writing an asexual character, I’m sure you are aware how little media representation asexuals are given, and how that amount decreases even further still for aromantics. (In fact, there are only two characters to my knowledge who have even been referred to as ‘aromantic’ by their creators, and neither have had the word used about them within the universe they existed in.)

Beyond our lack of ‘official’ characters to see ourselves in, aromantics often have a very difficult time finding any characters at all who we can relate to, since everyone is eventually, Harry Potter epilogue style, arbitrarily paired off so that the audience can be reassured they found their inevitable happy ending in the form of romantic love. Since otherwise, to the eyes of the world, they would have had no worth, love from friends and family not filling the aching gap they would surely have felt if not for the arrival of their perfect ‘other half’.

Even characters whom my community can initially relate to inevitably go on to alienate us. The loveless protagonists of each and every children’s novel that I enjoyed in the days before I knew what I was were all given a hint of a love interest in the last book of the series, just as reassurance that they were growing up. But I never grew up in that sense, and remained simultaneously more and less mature than my peers, never having seen that coming of age and yet achingly above it all. I imagine I seem, just as Kaladin seems to me, to be too old for my age and yet at the same time too unknowing, too naïve.

So even in the time after Words of Radiance and before Oathbringer, I was forever indebted to you for giving me Kaladin. Little details made my heart cry out in a kinship for him that I’d never been able to feel before; That it didn’t cross his mind that his men might start to get married, that he felt anxious at the idea of not knowing where his friends were, that compared to other characters of a similar age who were at the forefront of the books, he seemed painfully oblivious to the world of romance.

And then came Oathbringer, the book the world needed in 2017, that was hopeful in the face of the apocalypse and in my eyes, with its themes of belonging and self-acceptance and the healing power of unconditional love, inherently queer. This book cemented for me that Kaladin not only could be read as on the aromantic spectrum, if the reader so wished, but naturally lent himself to a reading of that manner. And I cannot express how ecstatic it made me not just to see my own traits reflected in him but to see them respected.

Never before had I been able to read about a character who reflected my own feelings without those feelings portrayed as something to grow out of. Never before had I been able to read about a character who planned their life around their friends in the way that we all do as children, and that aromantics continue to do our whole lives, never having the treasured way we regard platonic love usurped by the eventual first feelings of romantic love. It never even crossed my mind that a character could be allowed to feel that way and not be harassed into feeling differently. Never before had I read about a character who couldn’t stomach seeing people kiss without that character being, well, an actual child. Never before had I read about a character who dreaded their friends pairing up and leaving them (as it seems to me the line ‘he liked them both… just not together’ seems to imply) without it being revealed that the character in question was secretly jealous and wanted a romantic relationship for themselves.

Never before have I read about a character who shared my innermost feelings and not seen those feelings laughed at and ripped away.

For me the importance of Kaladin as a character this stands out possibly the most in one of Oathbringer’s final scenes, in which Kaladin reflects on his feelings for Shallan. First of all, I was overjoyed that Kal was allowed to defend himself against the person, or in this case spren, insisting that he had romantic feelings. In any other book he would have ended up either with Shallan or as part of a drawn-out love triangle, and any claims that he didn’t have feelings for her would have been disrespected, taken as lies to be inevitably disproven. In Oathbringer however, despite Syl acting as amatonormativity (the harmful assumption that romantic relationships are central to every person’s life and that everyone’s goal is to have one.) personified, a role normally portrayed as the voice of reason, it is she who is proved wrong and Kaladin is allowed the dignity of explaining his own feelings as soon as he begins to understand them.

Secondly… that ‘something’ Kaladin says he does feel for Shallan? Within the aromantic community we’d likely call that a ‘squish’: essentially the platonic parallel to the traditional crush and characterised by strong non-romantic feelings for a person that you desperately hope will become a friend. The majority of aromantics you speak to will have at some point mistaken a squish for a crush before they had the language to more accurately describe themselves and their attraction. I myself had the same experience with a boy a few years ago as Kaladin does with Shallan, even down to believing I had romantic feelings based on how nice and friendly I thought his smile was.

I could probably talk for much longer on the subtle facets of Kaladin’s characterisation that allow me to see myself for the first time reflected back. About how his interest in Tarah’s clothes almost more than her face amuses me so much because I’m reminded of the countless times when I mistook aesthetic appreciation of garments for physical attraction towards their wearers. About how him having to be told by Rock about Peet’s flirtation with a barmaid hits home because I’m oblivious to my friends’ romantic endeavours until they tell me explicitly that they are in fact romantic endeavours. About how validated I felt that Kaladin internally refers to public displays of affection as ‘nauseating’, a phrase that’s sometimes only half as blunt and offensive as the ones I’d use to describe my physical state when I have to witness upsettingly romantic acts.

I could talk too, about how your portrayal of romantic love, especially in more recent books, manages not to alienate me from your works by never assuming that the emotion is a one off destined thing, better than any other, or even inherently meaningful and therefore always fated to end in a relationship. How red flags (like Kabsal’s strange willingness to leave his life behind for a girl he had just met) are treated as dangerous rather than romantic. How characters like Dalinar and Navani are allowed to find their ‘one true love’ for a second time. How Shallan and Adolin are allowed to be friends, have silly fun, and cheer each other on in a way so refreshingly free from clichés that I felt able to root for their relationship.

But I’ll simply repeat: Thank you for Kaladin. Thank you for a character that as a young adult, struggling with depression much like him, I found myself able to relate to in another way, one that is even more rare and more precious to me because of that. Thank you for, even if inadvertently, making space for people like me in your fiction and allowing me the privilege of my method of escapism legitimising my experiences rather than jolting me back into my real world alienation and loneliness. Thank you for giving me a hero who shares some of the traits I hate the most about myself. Thank you for the books that have become central and significant and cherished in my life over the last two (almost three!) years. Thank you for Kaladin Stormblessed.

I hope the conclusions I’ve made here have in no way offended you or infringed on the way in which you view your own characters. I only mean to express how they seem to me and why that means so much. Thank you for reading this.

(I’d also like to apologise for the length of this letter. To explain that a little: I think about most of the things I’ve said here almost every day of my life and for the longest time have had no way to express my gratitude to you. Also, I tend to get carried away when I write. I’m sure you can relate to that.)

Yours sincerely,

[REDACTED]

[svtcarat-exo-l]

Ditto

A Monsta X one-shot - bad-boy Minhyuk x reader College au

(warnings: Bullying) Word count: 5k

A/N: I got carried away with this, but I'm super proud of it! So Enjoy (Also I don't own this gif)

It was like a scene from a bad, early 2000’s teen movie.

You could’ve pictured the freeze frame in your head complete with the trademark record scratch.

There was you - shirt soaked with boiling coffee, the villainess - with the empty cup in hand and a face full of evil intent, and there was the crowd - equally as shocked as you but simultaneously entertained in the way people are when they get to watch a spat they aren't involved in.

Though unfortunately for you this wasn’t a movie, and that coffee wasn’t a safe prop. It was too hot to even be considered drinkable and it scalded you through the shirt clinging to your skin. Pain took the breath straight out of your lungs, and you couldn’t focus enough to understand the words the girl yelled vehemently in your face.

The girl - you think she’s from your class - looks less than happy.

No, she was from your class; top student if you weren’t mistaken, and you’d just scored higher than her on the exam. And been awarded the music production internship ahead of her.

Well that explains things

Only two students in the program got the opportunity, and you were chosen along with a boy in the class above you, named Wonho. (But no one in their right mind would confront a Monsta x member unless they were looking for a black eye.)

So, that made you the only possible victim for the jealousy of others. You had been an underdog in the running. A student with promising talent but the least amount of training. You guessed the choice didn’t sit well with some due to the molten drink on your chest.

Speaking of your chest and that molten drink, the pain was starting to become a little more important to your body. Important in the way that it needed to stop.

Quickly.

Onlookers finally snapped out of their shock and started laughing. The girl was still screaming, and unwanted tears started welling in your eyes. Before anything else could escalate you took off down the hallway without a second thought. Your only goal was getting away from the cold giggles and raised voices.

The only phrase you caught from the girl prior to you rounding the corner rung in your ears.

You don’t deserve it y/n, you poor bitch!

Now, you didn’t feel ashamed that you’d won the scholarship. It was something you’d worked countless hours in the school studio for considering you couldn’t afford your own equipment.

You locked yourself away on campus, through the night sometimes, to perfect every aspect of the piece, and the song you submitted after months of work spoke more about your soul than you think you could ever put into words.

You used all of your favorite instruments in the track and let the notes become emotions. Harmonies became dreams never spoken aloud, and the lyrics were words you regretted not saying. The things you wanted to express but had no means to.

That was what music was for you – a place to pour out strong emotions.

To you, humanity was nothing without music. It has the ability to bring out the empathy in everyone, the need to connect with others - their pain and happiness. Music could help people relate to one another universally. Sure, making songs had certain rules and techniques, but those alone couldn’t make something extra-ordinary. It was the heart of the songwriter that combined with those things that mattered.

In the end, it was the bit of You in the song that made it beyond the others.

But currently you didn’t feel very talented. Mainly you felt naïve for expecting everyone would be happy somehow that you’d been successful.

The seed of doubt had been planted, and you didn’t know if you could keep the plant from taking root.

Without really thinking you threw yourself through the next door you saw, slamming it behind you. Your hands were already working the buttons of your top free as you slid down the door sobbing in pain and humiliation.

You half ripped, half peeled the material from your skin and hissed at the irritation. The angry red burn stretched from your left collarbone across to the ribs on your right side. Without the pressure of your shirt the pain went down a few notches, and the relief allowed you to breathe deeper, greedily taking in oxygen you’d missed.

And you didn’t know what to do next.

Well, your rational brain did, but your current state was anything but rational. Realistically, you should try to cool down the area-

“Are you okay?”

The last person you expected to see gaped at you from the piano bench. You’d thrown yourself into the music room, a realization that came a little late, right into the middle of Lee Minhyuk's vocal practice.

Minhyuk was a part of the schools’ group of quote-unquote “Bad Boys”. He was considered the most level-headed member of Monsta X and the one you wanted to deal with if you needed to interact with the rowdy group.

He was the one least likely to take offence and ruin your reputation/face. At least in comparison with Hyungwon or Kihyun. They were the touchiest ones. Still, Minhyuk had the same reputation as the rest of them.

Handsome, confident, mischievous, and dangerous.

You’d heard enough rumors to fill an entire series of encyclopedias with scenarios scary enough to keep you up at night. You only wished that was enough to keep you from secretly admiring him.

His freedom to be what he wanted without challenges. The loyalty he showed his friends. The outspoken intelligence you’d never seen on anyone else in the entire school. He was risky, but a small part of you was screaming 'So what?'

You knew that intrigue would get you in trouble.

You’d heard him sing once and that was what got you into this mess.

One of your sessions in the studio had ended a little later than usual, so you left at a different time than you were used to. You cut through the auditorium like you always did, the backstage door was closer to the parking lot than the front entrance, and that was when you saw him.

The stage was bare, because the theatre club was in between productions. He hadn’t been doing anything spectacular to catch your attention, yet something stopped you from continuing out to your car.

Minhyuk was just lying on his back in the center of the stage singing a gentle tune you found really familiar. The peaceful aura of it all made you stop to listen. You felt like a creeper afterwards, but your feet had just frozen in place backstage like he was some sort of siren luring you in.

Except his song wouldn’t lead you out to sea to drown; Instead it was a one-way trip to heartbreak.

Still, you let yourself listen for a while. Minhyuk’s voice was beautiful to you, husky and warm with excellent timbre. Goosebumps rose on your arms at a beautiful vaulting high note that resounded through the theatre effortlessly. He cursed when he fumbled over the next phrase then started it again.

You could’ve fallen for the boy you saw in that moment.

He was unbridled, freely singing whatever song came to mind not caring how his face looked or how his uniform wrinkled. For once the typical smirk wasn’t permanently attached to his lips. Instead he smiled. A genuine one at that. The ghost light illuminated one side of his face, and the glow settled into his features - sharpening his elegant bone structure.

That boy. The one before your eyes, was one you could see yourself enjoying the company of. Unfortunately, that boy was like that moment.

Fleeting.

Outside of that snapshot in time he was The Minhyuk of Monsta x, someone you should have wanted nothing to do with, and not just a cute boy with a nice voice. So, you’d turned yourself around and made to leave with the intent of him never knowing you were there.

Unfortunately, fate wasn’t having that.

In the darkness you kicked a table by accident and that caused something else to fall with a loud bang. You hadn't even glanced back before darting out as quick as you could.

Every time you saw Minhyuk after that you couldn’t shake the image of him from that day or your hopeless feelings.

Music room 3 was essentially his. The entire student body knew this room was always reserved for him after classes. Trying not to disturb the boy was a school-wide event when passing through the western hallway. And now you were sitting on his floor asking him to use the wrath of his group on you.

As if things couldn’t get worse.

“Hey, are you alright.” He questioned you again.

Despite all you thought you knew about him; You didn’t look so scary right now, concern in his eyes as they roamed the burn. His gaze didn’t feel even vaguely threatening – more like he was trying to discern how to help opposed to checking you out. It took a second for you to remember you sat there with your shirt open.

The two of you came to that conclusion at the same moment. His eyes snapped to your face and you scrambled cross your arms in front of you but yelped instantly at the stab of pain the action sent through you.

Alarm filled his eyes, but he seemed to read the discomfort on your face, because he swiftly turned his back and faced away from you.

“Shit, I’m sorry y/n.” He choked out. “I wasn’t trying to – I mean – Ah, sorry.”

Smooth

It surprised you though. You weren’t aware he even knew your name.

The rumors said he’d be the type to take advantage of your exposure and try to flirt with you or use some pick-up line, but he seemed more flustered than you. The little bit of privacy his action gave you was comforting and you had to admit it was gentlemanly – until panic about who you were talking to set in.

“I-I’m sorry! I didn’t realize what room this was I just-”

“Don’t worry about it.”

His composure was back and the level voice he used was almost soothing even when you couldn’t see his face. You found yourself relaxing. His tone was warm, so maybe you could get yourself out of this without making him angry. It was just going to be awkward talking to the back of his head.

“What happened?” Minhyuk asked.

“It’s just a coffee burn.” You answered vaguely while you thought of ways to get out of the room. Minhyuk hummed in thought and you found it endearing.

Okay scratch that - You needed to get out of this room before you ended up leaving your heart somewhere risky.

Namely – with him.

“You spill it on yourself?” Minhyuk surprised you by continuing his questions. He was nonchalant about it, but there was something else in his voice that definitely wasn’t indifference.

“No.” You couldn’t find it in yourself to try and lie to him. Not that it mattered. The entire school had probably heard about the scene earlier anyways

“Was it an accident?”

You bit your lip and hesitated. His voice that used to hold a softness was growing hard. Angry. The tension in his shoulders was coiling like a spring. You didn’t understand the reaction, but it made you nervous regardless.

“No.” you answered airily.

His next words were so quiet you strained to hear them.

“Someone purposefully threw boiling coffee on you.” He was beyond mad now and it gave you chills. Not seeing his expression only made it worse.

Minhyuk was the hardest one to anger, and those who managed it - transferred schools. And now you were in the same room with a livid Monsta x member. You just thanked your stars that it wasn’t directed at you.

He released a long exhale that mostly dissolved the tension and you subconsciously breathed with him. You had wanted to leave, but now curiosity had you in its grip. That much anger wasn’t a normal reaction to someone you didn’t know being hurt. Pity – maybe - but not rage.

“How bad is it?” Another question that threw you off.

Glancing down at the red splotches didn’t give you much information and your mind was still a little out of focus. You were burned, that was a given – You just didn’t know how badly.

“I can’t really tell.”

He used the same soothing voice again. “Just describe it to me, I can get an idea.”

“It’s – ah – bright red. No blisters or anything like that. And it feels warm, uh, maybe just a little swollen?”

The sigh of relief you heard from him almost made you giggle before you remembered who he was. He wasn’t supposed to be remotely cute, and you weren’t supposed to start thinking maybe he wasn’t as bad as he wanted people to think. But he was, and you were.

“It doesn’t sound too serious, That’s good.” You almost felt you could hear the smile in his voice.

“I have an extra shirt.” He didn’t have to ask in the form of a question - you knew he was trying to give you something to change into.

Before you could question his kindness he walked over to his bag sitting against the wall and pulled out a white T-shirt. Then he clamped one hand over his eyes before turning to walk towards you. You figured he spent enough time in the room to know the layout without looking.

You couldn’t stop yourself from letting your eyes roam his face while he couldn’t see you. He was as handsome as you remembered; that fact was easy to admit. A strong jaw line, surprisingly delicate lips, the glowing deep brown orbs hidden behind his hand. He looked adorably innocent blocking his eyes like that. It was a look you’d seen only once on his face before.

Not that you looked at him a lot or anything.

And now not only was he handsome, but he was secretly kind as well. His continued effort to respect your modesty was endearing in a way. You were starting to have a harder time ignoring the interest you had for the boy.

It was easier when you could blind yourself with nasty rumors, but the person you’d seen in the auditorium that night was turning out to be more real than you thought.

You stood up to meet him halfway, and after you accepted his shirt he turned back around again.

When you unfolded it, you couldn’t help the snort of laughter that escaped you.

On the front there was a little cartoon design of a tea bag with the words ‘It’s a tea-shirt’ written underneath. You thought you saw his ears go a little red for a second, but you brushed it away. You slid your shirt all the way off your shoulders and cringed at the soggy plop it made when it hit the floor. The lighter material of his shirt felt a lot more comfortable against your skin

“Thank you.” You said to his back and he understood that you were decent.

He finally faced you and you smiled hesitantly.

He smiled at you for the first time and you kind of understood the girls who fell at his feet. It was a smile worth begging for. His eyes lingered on his shirt for a second.

“You’re welcome. It, ah, looks good on you.” There was an awkward pause where you wrung your hands, he scratched the back of his neck, and you battled it out to see who could blush the most until he spoke again. “Listen, ah, maybe you should go to the nurse I’m sure- “

“No!” You cut him off and flinched at the volume of your own voice. “I-I’d have to walk past the cafeteria again and...”

You hoped your classmates’ anger had faded now that she’d acted out and humiliated you in public, but you were sure she was still vengeful. The internship was a rare one that many people had wanted. It wouldn’t be surprising if more students agreed with her actions. The thought scared you a little.

He’d obviously read the narrative in your eyes, because his face softened immediately.

“You can stay here. I mean, I wouldn't let anyone bother you.”

He was starting to get into the habit of surprising you at every turn. So far Minhyuk had been chivalrous, generous, and nothing like you’d convinced yourself he was. Maybe you were wrong to dismiss what you’d seen that night. Maybe ‘The Minhyuk of Monsta x’ was really the false one.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to interrupt.” The protest was a weak one and you knew it. You wanted to stay too - much more than you were ready to admit.

“Believe me I’ve practiced enough, it’d be nice to have a break.” You knew you could never resist that look he was giving you anyways: his eyes vulnerable, sensitive, brown pools.

“Okay.”

You couldn’t think of anything else to say and he stayed quiet, so eventually you moved to sit on the piano bench and he joined you soon after. Minhyuk started to play a song and sing lowly to the tune as a way to break the silence.

The piece was what he’d been singing the night you saw him in the auditorium.

It was a bittersweet song about young lovers who never shared their feelings and that caused them to let each other drift away. It suited his slightly raspy voice.

You let yourself watch his profile as he played. Minhyuk closed his eyes and rocked his shoulders along to the tempo. His graceful fingers floated across the keys gently if not reverently, and the piano responded with the bittersweet melody you’d come to associate with the beautiful man in front of you.

The emotions in the song were clear in his entire being, and while his entire body reacted to the music; you had a moment of crystal-clear clarity.

The bad image you’d built of him shattered.

Music was a language you understood, more than words sometimes, and he was sending a message direct to you.

The is the real Minhyuk.

He looked up from the piano as you started singing along and caught your eyes. The corners of his mouth quirked up into a grin that lit up his face. The expression juxtaposed the sorrowful lyrics yet it still felt slightly sad somehow.

A smile grew on your face too. You looked away but couldn’t wipe it from your lips as he played the final bridge of the song. You would’ve been content to just bask in the calm aura instead of facing the problems that were burying you under their weight. The last note had long faded when he finally spoke again, softly, like he didn’t want to break the moment.

“Can you tell me everything that happened now?”

And so, you did. You told him about being chosen for the scholarship and your classmate’s reaction. Then the coffee and the humiliation that came later. By the time you finished with your entrance into the music room he was already on his feet, pacing.

Then his face set into the mask you now recognized as fake Minhyuk. Angry Minhyuk. Monsta x's Minhyuk.

He basically growled his next words as he strode to the door. “You stay here. There are some people who need to be set straight.”

“Woah, woah wait.” You were barely able to stop him from getting to his destination by sliding between him and the door.

Minhyuk stared down at you with an intensity that made you forget the words you’d intended to say next for a second. Noticing that you’d laid both hands flat against his chest was enough to jolt you back into the moment as you pulled your hands away. “You don’t really know me, why do you want to go out and defend my honor.”

“I’ve noticed you y/n.” He admitted in a soft voice.

He really needed to stop rendering you speechless. You’d daydreamed the exact words coming out of his mouth, yet it was still so hard to believe them – so you reflexively tried to deny what he was saying.

“How? I-I mean we’ve never really talked- “

“It was your music." He was quick to explain himself. "Wonho let me hear your music and I’ve been intrigued ever since. The way you make music is just captivating.”

You could hear the bashful note in his voice at the admission.

Oh sweet mother of music production.

You knew you’d frozen up. It was just hard to form a coherent thought when the literal man of your dreams had just admitted he cared for you.

It wasn’t unusual that Wonho had heard your song considering you’d both competed against each other.  What as unusual was that he’d liked it – enough to get a copy and show it to his friends.

Minhyuk leaned down until your gazes crossed paths again and he spoke his next words in a way that not even your mind could argue with. “You’re Talented, driven, intelligent, beautiful Y/N. I’d been trying to think of a way to talk to you for weeks, but I didn’t know how."

All the little things you’d made yourself discount over the months flashed like a montage in your mind.

The times you’d seen him pop into the studio with Wonho while you were working on something and they’d hang around for a second longer than they needed to. Or when snacks would show up on your desk when you skipped lunch. The one time a classmate started bullying you, but the next day he showed up to class he didn’t even look at you.

You’d think with the amount of time you spent paying attention to him, you’d have realized he was doing it right back.

“I notice you too.” The words escaped before you could stop them. “I don’t know why, T-there’s just something about you.”

“Devilishly good looks.” He teased while pushing a stray piece of hair behind your ear.

You not immediately rejecting him ramped up his confidence it seemed, yet you saw the insecurity he was covering with the joke. He was afraid to let you in. 

“No. It’s – You’re free.” You laughed lightly before continuing. “No one tells you who to be, what to do, how to live. I wish I could be more like that.”

Idly, you reached out to fix the collar of his shirt just to give your hands something to do.

“It’s lonely to be like me.” He let his hand come to rest against your cheek. The warning did little to affect you as you leaned into the contact. Although, the wistful expression written in his features made your chest ache just a little. .

It seemed tragic he felt like he needed to warn you off.

Little did he know you were far beyond the point of no return.

“It doesn’t have to be. If you let someone in.” You allowed your hands to once again lay on his chest. From the look in his eyes you could tell the idea scared him, but you tried your best to convey your sincerity.

You wanted him to know that you were prepared to accept anything that came with being with him, but he changed the subject before you could organize your thoughts.

“I knew you were there; That night in the theatre.” Minhyuk was trying to lead the conversation somewhere, so you decided to go with it.

“I figured. I wasn’t very quiet, I’m sorry-“

“Don’t be Y/N. It’s been a long time since someone has looked at me and seen more than a delinquent or some hot guy to conquest.”

There was that intense sadness again. You moved your hand to run it through his hair and smiled at him. He looked at you with an extremely cute confused face.

“Minhyuk, before that day I believed what people said, that you were dangerous.” You felt him tense, but you pushed on quickly. “But then that night I saw this side to you that wasn’t at all what I expected. I was just afraid that wasn’t real. But then today you turned out to really be that guy I saw on stage singing with his heart and you continue to surprise me at every turn.”

The sad look softened to a tenderness as he finally seemed to get that you weren’t going to run screaming anytime soon. Minhyuk let himself lean forward that last few inches needed to press his forehead against yours.

“I want to get to know you.” He whispered before drawing back a few inches to meet your eyes. “You’re way too good for me, and I know I have a reputation, but-”

It was your turn to cut him off. “Minhyuk. I think I’m done listening to what people who don’t know you say. I’m want to decide for myself, and I want to get to know you too.”

His smile was blinding when he pulled you into his arms fully.

After a few moments he spoke up. “I’m still going to put the fear of god into them for hurting my girlfriend.”

You laughed and pulled yourself from his hold playfully only to laugh harder at the pout on his lips. “Oh? And when did we decide that I’m your girlfriend, Lee Minhyuk?”

He pretended to think for a second before dropping a surprise kiss on your forehead. “Right now?”

He gave you puppy dog eyes that rivaled any Casanova’s until you gave in – not that you were fighting him anyways – it was just fun to banter with him. You sighed in mock annoyance while he laced his hands with yours. Already, you knew that look was one you’d never be able to refuse.

“You’re lucky I like you, Weirdo.” You teased.

“Ditto.” Minhyuk replied in a sing-song voice while leading you to the door.

You pointed a finger at him as you walked out of the music room. “And Lee Minhyuk, don’t you dare beat up people for me.”

He had to cross his eyes to see your finger and the expression nearly cracked your serious façade. He moved your hand like it was a loaded weapon before responding.

“Okay… But only because you asked.” He took a breath when a new idea hit him. “And only if you cool it with the full name thing. It makes me feel like I’m in trouble.”

“Okay.” You paused before whispering with mischief. “Lee Minhyuk.”

“Yah that’s it!” He moved to tickle your sides, but he never got close to touching you because you stood on your toes and pressed your lips to his. Later, you could question why you decided to do it, but right then it was everything you thought it would be. After a few seconds he caught up to you and Minhyuk's hands came to rest on your shoulders lightly – pulling you in an inch more.

He only broke off when a familiar voice called out from down the hallway. The voice you could only associate with coffee and the burn across your chest.

“Oh, so you found yourself a boy to leech off of, Y/n.” The girl scoffed. “I knew you were poor. I just didn’t think you were desperate.”

Without looking you could already tell she couldn’t see Minhyuk’s face from her angle, and before you could stop him he lunged into her sightline. You watched her eyes widen in shock.

“That’s not how I’d define ‘desperate’.” His voice was calm but held enough venom to freeze your classmate on the spot. The cold laugh that came next made even you uncomfortable.

“No – desperate is the way you trail behind Jooheon every hour of the day for even one second of his attention-“

By then your classmate had dropped her gaze and you could hear her sniffles. As much as you wanted to indulge in some revenge, humiliating her right back wasn’t a low you would stoop to. Right as Minhyuk made to step closer to her, your hand closed around his wrist.

“That’s enough, Minhyuk.” He glanced back at you with two raised eyebrows and you only shook your head at him. “Let her go.”

Your classmate was long gone not even seconds after he waved her away.

Alone again, Minhyuk wrapped you up in his arms again and lightly kissed your temple. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” You replied, settling in his grip.

“You deserve that internship, you know? Don’t let her make you feel like you don’t.”

Remember that seed of doubt? His words helped you uproot it.

“I know.”

You let him comfortably hold you for a few minutes and the tension melted away from both of you. Then you felt Minhyuk tap your back slightly and you drew back to see him deep in thought.

“You know….” He paused. “You never said I couldn’t ask Hyungwon to beat them up.”

“Minhyuk no” You laughed.

“Catch me if you can!” He called while taking off at full speed towards the parking lot.

You prepared to run after him until an idea struck you.

“Hey Minhyuk!” You yelled. “I love you.”

You waited a few seconds until you heard footsteps coming back your way. He swept you right back into his hold, kissed you fully again, and whispered in your ear.

“Ditto.”

[unholyhelbiglinked]

Camp Beaverbrook | 011

CHECK OUT THE STORY FROM THE START HERE

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter has a lot of blood in it, but also, so do the rest of them. 

Hey Mom,

Emily here. Who else would it be, though? I’m sure you’re expecting a phone call at some point but I don’t think I can bring myself to go in there. Not when Aubrey thought… It doesn’t matter. I got to meet Jane’s parents. They’re nice people. Normal people. Miss Eide has a job as a bank teller and I think Mr. Eide sells water heaters. They’re both taking breaks from that, though. Understandably. Maybe I’ll be seeing you a lot sooner than summers end.

Emily

The scent of blood wasn’t something Emily Junk had ever paid much mind to. When she was seven years old, she was dared by Nellie Zeeman to jump off the swings when the chains had creaked to their longest point, and she could practically touch the sky.

Emily had jumped off without a second conviction and she remembered the exact moment she landed in the mulch. She could technically taste the dirt that filled her mouth, the blood that mixed into an insane cocktail against her tongue. She had scraped her knee and red dripped down her bare leg. Nellie Zeeman ran the opposite direction before Emily’s lower lip quivered and she wailed. She could smell blood then.

She could smell blood now too.

It clawed at her throat like it had been slit with edging poison. It made her swallow roughly and it darkened her eyes to a different degree; Aubrey Posen was sat on the edge of a springy bed with a limp olive-green blanket that wasn’t tucked in all the way. Her hair was damp, and it clung to her shoulders.

The yellow shirt she wore was wet in different variants: where her locks fell, where her skin hadn’t dried, where a thick sanguine fluid wicked its way into the fabric of the tank top that had been woven in a factory somewhere in Ohio. Her hand was coated in rust and she shifted uncomfortably at the sound of the door opening. Emily panted, stunned.

She felt naïve at the thought that this was over, that it had stopped at one death. Maybe Jane had gotten lost in the woods and nature overtook every inch of the poor girl’s body until she had sunk into the soil herself. Emily hadn’t read the ME report. She hadn’t seen the body. She was foolish. Foolish and in overdrive.

“Oh my god, Aubrey.” Her words pushed through the thorns in her throat.

Emily had dropped down to her knees easily, not regarding the pain that shot through them as she carefully took Aubrey’s fingers. It was familiar, and Aubrey’s touch was chilled and clammy.

“No,” The blonde whispered stopping Emily by applying pressure to her stance, she pulled her onto the bed, their knees touching.“Don’t.”

Emily nodded and let Aubrey breathe in softly. The air in the cabin was musty. There were posters on the wall, boy bands that Emily had admittedly plugged into her cassette player in an attempt to enjoy the static-filled sound. Her mother refused to give her a disc man, but now that the little plastic boxes were dying out, she had no reason not to invest in one. This had to be Chloe’s cabin.

Chloe who had pulled her from her thoughts and her sleep when she rushed in to grab clothes for Aubrey in the first place. She didn’t’ bat an eye at her, instead, telling her where to find Aubrey. She was going to run towards Gail, sweet Gail, who had yet to pull the camp from function.  

“Chloe was, Chloe is, trying her best,” Aubrey spoke, her eyes were trained on the evenly placed laundry basket that was overflowing with gold and green. “Poor thing can’t stand the sight of blood though. I think I need to get someone to clean up the shower. It’s awfully messy in there and-“

Emily shifted her touch to the woman’s wrist. She could feel the rapid heartbeat against the inside of her index finger. It pounded like a drum. “Aubrey, stop.”

The blonde drew in a heaving breath but kept her mouth shut. She was clearly unbothered, or numb, to the amount of blood that was dripping against her arm. It had slowed, even now. But it was worrisome. Her pear colored eyes were widened, and her heartbeat continued to sound like a snare.

“I don’t know what happened,” She finally whispered. “I was showering. The water was getting cold because I guess I stood there too long. I always stand there too long.”

Emily nodded gently, eyes trying to search the girl’s face. A purple bruise was forming around the laceration and Emily tried her hardest not to stare.

“They came at me, Em. I- I could feel the wood splinter under the tip of that knife. It burned.” Her throat audibly tightened. It wasn’t the beginning of a cry, because this was more than that. This was a fear that shook Aubrey Posen’s body harder than anything ever had before. “It just burns.”        

Aubrey melted into Emily’s side. The younger girl was pretty sure she would vanish into the floor if she had the chance. Her nose was cold against the inside of her neck and scent of blood wasn’t so noticeable anymore. The way Aubrey was crying was. The way her whole body shuttered, and fingers dug into the fabric of Emily’s shirt. She was like a pine tree, unwavering in the wind, finally pulling its roots from the deeply packed fine soil.  

Her chocolate gaze flipped up to the door as it creaked open. Stacie Conrad was breathing heavily, a little less tactful about keeping her disdain towards the wound to herself. “Chloe told me you needed this I- Should I grab someone who can fix you up?”  

Aubrey straightened up and moved the length of her arm across the base of her nose, chin lifting slightly as she gave an easy and collected stare.

The archer looked a little sickly compared to the blue of the sky. Maybe Stacie didn’t like blood. If Emily hadn’t been exposed to the dangers of it when she was young, she supposed she would look a bit green too.

“No, it’s alright.” Emily objected. “I can do it.”

She took the first aid kit from Stacie, who hung by the door for a few moments before ducking out into the ever-cooling air. Emily didn’t waste time digging through the plastic case. She found alcohol wipes, padding, and some wrapped bandages. The rest were band-aids that could hold up against water. Anti-itch spray. Usual things that would be needed at a camp this size. Aubrey followed her with reddened eyes, she sniffed softly.

Emily was careful as she tore away the wrapping of the wipe. The toxic scent of antiseptic-coated her lungs as she kneeled on the bed next to Aubrey, one foot hanging off the side. “This might sting, just a little.”

Aubrey hissed as the cool wipe met the mostly open wound.

“You know, I used to volunteer at an animal shelter during the winter. The doctor there, he had a lot of free time, so he started to teach me a few things. You don’t need stitches so that’s good, it didn’t cut deep enough.”

“Okay,”

“Right,” Emily Junk didn’t do well with awkward silence, but she could respect Aubrey Posen’s need to be quiet. Her own mind was still buzzing with trauma. Jane Eide was dead and the girl she may have possibly felt a strong fondness for had been attacked in the showers. She struggled to silence her thoughts, and instead laid a pad of gauze down before wrapping the majority of Aubrey’s arm. “You’re all set.”

“Thank you, Emily.”

Aubrey stood herself, rolling her shoulders back as much as she could, her eyes darkening. Emily had seen it before; that rage hungry look that translated from pain. It made her freeze, feeling that edge of ice bite at her skin once more. She settled for playing with the fuzz at the end of Aubrey’s jacket, the fabric stretching past her wrist.

“Where are you going?”

“It’s fine,” Her voice was tender, “I just need to take care of a few things. Stay here if you want.”

Emily opened her mouth to object but was met by the screen door opening and closing. She stared at the way the lined material looked so vivid against the daylight as she blinked a few times before shoving off the bed herself and walking onto the creaking porch. Everything looked the same.

She wasn’t sure what she was expecting: A lake filled with blood, a sky harbored with rolling clouds ready to rain down acid. At least a police car to take a statement about a possible killer still on the campgrounds. Instead, there was nothing out of the ordinary. Aubrey looked distraught compared to her usual demeanor.

Emily found herself following at will, her sneakers crunching against the grass as she stopped right at the stony shore. She could smell the musk of the lake that always wore off the second her feet touched the mucky bottom in familiarity. This time she hung away, swallowing roughly as Aubrey’s boots met the far end of the dock.

Beca had a whistle in her mouth, letting the metal drop from her lips before she turned slightly on her heel. Her eyes were trained on the campers in the water, a few of them splashing around while others swam laps close to the ropes. She itched at the edge of her neck where her sweatshirt stood.

“Aubrey?” she turned completely, “Jesus dude, what happened?”

The taller woman shoved her hand down, knocking the clipboard from Beca’s grasp. The loud clang caught the attention of few, Beca glancing down before letting out a breath, her hardened eyes glowering at Aubrey. “What the hell, Posen?”

There was an immediate petal of blood the second Aubrey’s fist connected with the right side of Beca’s face. The sound was unmistakable, knuckles against bone and a string of profanities as Beca stumbled back, her shoe skidding against the edge of the dock before she caught herself- before Aubrey caught her and pulled her forward by the neck of her sweatshirt.

Emily’s throat tightened as the fond scent of rust hit her nose. She reached forward and grasped the base of Aubrey’s tank top, quickly searching for a place that wouldn’t’ wound the girl further, a dark red soaking through the pad of cotton on her shoulder.

“You’re fucking dead, Mitchell!”

“Get off of me!”

Beca struggled to push the girl’s hands away as Emily pulled back even harder to no avail. She moved her hands against the woman’s side, ducking under her arm completely to create a barrier between the head counselor and the water sports director. Her fist was raised, but her eyes quickly lightened, features softening as her lips parted and her hand dropped.

“Stop it! Both of you!” Emily shoved Aubrey back slightly “Go cool off.”

“I’m gonna-“Aubrey took a shaky breath, a step back, even “Yeah.”

She shook her head, eyes sharp as she blinked towards Beca. Aubrey drew in a breath and walked down the rest of the dock. Emily’s clouded eyes followed her frame as she departed, feet heavy and fingers clutching at the dull ache visible on her shoulder.

“What the fuck was that about?” Beca asked,  grabbing her clipboard from the wooden dock. Emily hadn’t noticed how unstable it felt. A deep shade of brick was smeared across her arm where she had struggled to steel the laceration on her cheek. An ugly shade of blue and purple was already blistering against pale skin.

“Sorry, she uh-“Emily fretted “You’re okay?”

Beca pressed her fingers close to the blood, pulling back and rubbing it between her thumb and index finger before glowering up at her. “Yeah, Em. I’m fine.”      

[seotipsandtricks-me]

When I first joined Found and was performing some basic keyword research, I simply threw a few keywords into AdWords and, hey presto, out popped 800 keywords. As a beginner in the SEO world, I thought that this would suffice. Gosh, how naïve I was! Ten months later, I am pleased to say that my technique for keyword research has improved dramatically. I use a range of tools and my process is far more efficient. Here, I’ve collated a load of great tools, as well as some outside of the box techniques, to help you find some keyword diamonds in the rough. Why carry out keyword research? Keyword research allows a brand to better understand what people are searching for in their niche, as well as how to optimise their website to better deliver results relevant to those keywords. Conducting keyword research allows you to optimise a website which attracts more visitors, as well as conveying better understanding and more relevancy to search engines. It also helps you improve the user experience and understand your target audience to better serve them relevant content. Keyword research can also help you find new business opportunities, by discovering terms and phrases that may not be an exact match but are somewhat related to the services or goods you offer. You can also find out where your site lies in relation to your competitors, and understand where a competitor is strong, as well as where there are opportunities to own a keyword. My approach Whenever carrying out keyword research I always find it useful to take a step back and to look at why you are doing it. Are you looking for informational or commercial keywords? What and who are you trying to target with the research? What is the end goal you want to achieve with your research? Are you trying to increase sales? Build awareness? By taking just 5 minutes to really understand the task ahead you can save hours in the long run. Have a rough idea of what you want to achieve, and then use this guide to help your research. Keyword Research Tools – Order of usefulness 1. Google This probably seems so incredibly obvious but it’s a stage lots of us forget about. Simply give your research topic a bit of a Google. This gives you some top-level ideas of where to begin your brainstorming and what Google recommends as relevant searches. This straight away gives me some potential avenues for research – ‘raw honey’, ‘honey for sale’ etc. Again, depending on the purpose of the research, I would make a note of a few useful topics for more in-depth research later. By Googling the keyword, you can also check in the SERP whether the top performing pages are commercial or informational. This proves useful when choosing what keywords to target on specific pages. Have a look at some of the top sites for these keywords. Make a note of the sites that seem to reoccur for further investigation. Cost – Free 2. AdWords In my opinion, this is the best keyword tool you can use. I use Google AdWords whenever I conduct keyword research. Pros AdWords allows you to enter multiple keywords in at once. I do, however, keep the words I enter into the tool very similar as I think it keeps the output a little easier to manage and speeds up the filtering process later on down the line. Most keyword tools pull their search volume from AdWords, so it helps with keeping your data consistent. Whenever I use another tool for KWR I always run the keywords through AdWords to ensure that the search volume is consistent. You can add your competitor’s URL into the search bar and see what related keywords appear for their pages. Cons Most people use this tool so your competitors will also be looking at the exact same keywords you are. AdWords is also starting to bundle together similar keywords which can be annoying and can distort overall search volume. I would suggest reading through the search data afterwards to double check there aren’t any noticeable keywords affected by this. Cost – Adwords is free but only to a certain extent. You get more granular information if you have an account that is actively running ads. 3. Moz I really like the Moz Keywords Explorer tool. You do have to pay for the premium version ($99 +per month) but can sign up for a 1-month free trial. It gives you an option whether or not to group keywords which AdWords doesn’t Pros One of the main reasons I like the Moz tool is that it gives you the option to group or ungroup similar keywords. Obviously, I want them ungrouped! This tool also has a nice SERP feature that shows you the top pages for that keyword. This is nicely laid out and shows you the page authority, domain authority, linking root domains to the page, linking root domains to root domain, and volume of Facebook shares for the top 10 organic results, very handy indeed. Cons The main disadvantage to the Moz pro tool is that it gives you the search volume in a range. This is a right nuisance. It just means you need to throw the keywords into Keyword Planner to keep things consistent. Cost – Free but limited to 10 queries a month. Subscriptions start from $99 per month. 4. Sistrix I always use Sistrix for analysing competitors pages to see what keywords they are ranking for. This technique helps to identify some keywords that you might previously not have been targeting. Simply paste the competitor URL into the search box and away you go. Sistrix also enables you to group the keywords, this can really help when you’re manually grouping keywords later in the process. Cost – Pay for what you need. Prices start at $100 a month 5. Answer the public Answer the Public is a great tool for finding informational keywords and potential titles for blogs. Simply throw in your keyword and it spits out questions, prepositions, and comparisons. Again, I’d throw these phrases through AdWords to check the search volume quite a few will have zero search volume. Have a quick look through and see if there are many that could be shortened or adjusted slightly for your purpose. I love the way Answer the public displays the results if you’re a visual person I’m sure you’d appreciate it. Cost – Free 6. Keywords Everywhere This is a must have Google Chrome Extension for any SEO professional. If you haven’t already got this bad boy installed, do it now. Here are a few of my top features of this tool: It shows you instantly when you search in Google the search volume of a keyword Keywords Everywhere also have a related keywords box that gives some suggestions for keywords. If you click the little star to the left it adds it to a list that you can access via the tool. Really useful for collating a long list of keywords. The search volume is pulled from AdWords so the search volume is consistent. Another great feature is you are able to analyse a page. Simply click on a competitor’s page and click analyse. It shows you the top keywords, density search volume and competition. All really useful. Cost – Free Outside the box methods So, I’ve gone through my stable of techniques for KWR, there are other methods out there and I’m sure you’ll have your favourites. On the rare occasion I’m struggling with KWR for a client I find myself using some slightly more outside the box techniques. 7. Wikipedia This is a quick technique for finding some potential avenues for research. Type a top-level keyword or two into Google followed by Wiki and check out the Wikipedia page. Have a brief look at the contents section. There are always some useful topics for further research. These topics can then be thrown into the AdWords tool to get more ideas. 8. Forums Industry forums can be a Godsend when it comes to tricky B2B clients. Pop the name of the industry into Google, add the word ‘forum’ – ‘beekeeping forum’ – and trust me, there will be a forum. These are the natural habitats of the experts in the field. Spend half an hour or so looking through some relevant content, maybe even search within that forum for a keyword or two. More often than not the users of these forums will be the type of customers you are trying to attract so look at the language they’re using and see if you can uncover some potential gems. 9. Udemy This is quite far outside the box but stay with me. This site offers courses in a wide range of things from music production to marketing. Search for a few top-level keywords and see what course come up. Look through the courses and course content and see if there are any keywords that you could use later on in your research. 10. Concatenate This handy tool not only works for PPC campaigns but is useful for finding keywords for SEO. Our concatenation tool designed by the data Wizards at Found makes creating a list of keyword variations dead easy. Simply enter the words you want to concatenate into the boxes and let the tool do its stuff. In seconds you’ll have a lovely list of keyword variations. Just pop these into AdWords to get the search volume and away you go. Check out our concatenate tool here. 11. VidIQ I came across VidIQ when doing some work for one of our clients surrounding YouTube. It’s a plugin that shows video and channel tags. These tags are basically keywords. When working on slightly harder B2B clients where you might not be a complete expert on the topic search a few top-level keywords. You can then sift through a few top results and see what topics come up. If you really want to immerse yourself watch a few… Process Filter Group So, there you have it. All the tools you could possibly use to help you gather a vast amount of keywords short-tail, long-tail and all the tails in between. The best ways to go about it are freemium or paid methods – applications such as Adwords and Moz – but the free methods offer ways of gaining insight too. The main difference between paid and free is the amount of information you receive. While you won’t have as much detailed information using the free methods, they still give you a general idea of the keywords in your niche. It all depends on what your budget can afford. For my money, the best combination is Adwords/Moz, complemented by Answer The Public. But now you have all your keywords, what do you do with them? Find out in the part of our keyword series. But if you can’t wait and need SEO expertise, contact us here. The post A beginners guide to keyword research appeared first on FOUND.

[xpurgatory]

05. february

Prolog and note.

This not fanfiction.

It’s barely fiction. This is a story/anecdote that has been weighing me down. I’ve wanted to tell it for a long time but it’s been like water. I can’t give you water. I thought deeply about how I wanted to present the water—should I pour it into a bowl, or in a vase and stick in a flower? Should I dig a pond or split the earth and change the tide? I didn’t know. Instead, I kept the water inside me, allowing myself to fester and bloat.

Then my friend gave me a well, something that took root and dug deep. Names have been changed and when I get too scared, circumstances have been adjusted as well. Trigger warnings for some heavy shit like eating disorders, body image, drugs, and abusive relationships.

01.

In 2005, Allie met Rafa at a prestigious summer program for gifted high school students. That is where the story dies and begins again.

In 2004, Allie began dating Brett. By that time, Allie and I were best friends again after some long years of some cold shoulder fighting that only girls of a certain age could pull off. We were very similar. We both experienced massive growth spurts over the past two summers, such that, by 2004, we loomed as amazons among the men. We were beautiful amazons, but we were also 16 years ago with bodies too large for everyone else’s comfort, so grey clouds blurred our vision when we looked in the mirror. By contrast, Brett was perhaps one of the shortest and skinniest boys in our cohort. When Allie and Brett made out in the hallway, she’d lean back on the lockers and sort of squat while he stood between her thighs. Our peers fussed and groaned with disgust. But Allie—Allie seemed to revel in it. She seemed to love the attention—although privately, she’d confess that she wasn’t quite sure why she began this relationship. I mean, we all knew what Brett got out of it. He loved his incredibly intelligent, gorgeous, amazonian goddess and he knew that this dream was not sustainable. He knew what other people thought—including that time a confused store clerk saw them together, signaled Brett over, and literally asked him, “Are you rich?”

But then the Bloomberg Summit happened. The prestigious summer program selected Allie for their political science cohort, whisking her off to New York City for a few weeks. There, she met Rafa, a student in their creative writing cohort.

Allie told me about it later. About Rafa’s broad shoulders and broad prose, which the Summit honed to the fine point of an ice pick. About how Rafa spoke to her in a way that made her feel as if the rest of the world dropped away. He furiously turned out poetry about her, for her, and she, having never eaten before, devoured them. Their whirlwind summer romance was every romance in the movies, and when she returned to our quiet town, she collapsed on her bed, a burned out husk.

“What about Brett,” I asked her.

“Eh, I’ll never see Rafa again. It’ll probably be okay.”

And, unsurprisingly, it was. Brett desperately clung onto his dream despite the fact that Allie still dreamed about Rafa. In 2006, they were accepted into different ivy league universities and parted ways. I, too, left Allie’s story and drifted out of her life for the next decade. I didn’t know how much I would need her later.

02.

In 2011, Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal erupted rudely into our lives. The 24/7 news cycle regaled the nation with that one (1) photo of Weiner’s weiner (you know what I’m talking about, reader, there’s no way to forget it). As we watched Weiner hold press conferences with a mixture of fascination and disgust, our eyes not only rested on him, but on his wife, the brilliant and silent Huma Abedin. In rancorous bewilderment, we stared at her standing behind her husband and held court in our homes. Why did she stay with him? Is she stupid? Is she naïve? Is she staying for their kid? Doesn’t she know that her husband is a sexual deviant and she’s just endangering her kid? She’s weak. She’s a terrible mom. She must not care about anything. She’s so greedy. She’s too power-hungry. She’s bringing women down. If she were a real woman, she’d leave him now.

In 2011, I met Daniel. He was a new post-doctoral fellow while I was a new graduate student, and I manufactured excuses to be on the same floor as him. Eventually, he asked me out, thus beginning an on-and-off romance dominated by anticipation and anxiety. He—he was a tremoring soul. At one point, he disowned his father after his father told him that he wished that Daniel had never been born; at another, he told me that he just proposed to his ex-girlfriend. I saw other men in the spaces in-between (and sometimes in the thick of it all), but I never stayed the night. We remained friends, sometimes hesitantly, throughout it all and he was there when my car broke down and my friend got a divorce as I was there at his father’s tumultuous wedding and when his mom got sick. We went on vacation together, spent weekends together, drove to work together, and no matter who else we kept on the side, we always used “we” when referring to us. After four years of chaos, he declared that he was done with other women and wanted me to be his girlfriend. I agreed—although, at the time, I had begun emotionally preparing myself to leave him forever. The next few months were fine until January rolled around and I asked why we weren’t having sex very often.

At first, it was because he was tired from being at the gym. Then, it was because he was very stressed out from work. Then, it was because, I don’t know, he just ate a lot or something.

Then, it was me.

I had an odd smell down there, it seemed. It was puzzling. I sniffed my underwear and smelled nothing unusual. Men, if you’re reading this, you have to understand that the vagina can be weird, but women know when there’s something off. I did not feel unusual. I did not feel like I needed to pee often or that I itched. But he kept insisting that something was off. Once, he insisted during a time in my cycle where there was more discharge than expected even though I still felt fine.

“You should go see the doctor,” Daniel insisted.

“But I feel fine.”

“No, something must be wrong.”

I frowned. “But what if there’s nothing wrong? What if that’s just me?”

He did not look at me when he answered, “There has to be something wrong.”

I left the apartment that morning without saying goodbye. I did not feel anything when I got home and scheduled an appointment with the gynecologist for the next day. I, who was earning her doctorate in reproductive endocrinology, did not feel a single thing as I calmly sat down in front of the gynecologist and explained that there may be something wrong with me down there.

She began the usual routine. “Do you feel itching? Do you smell something off?”

“No.”

“Do you feel pain? Is there an unusual discharge?”

“No, I feel fine.”

She squinted. “Okay… Why are you here?”

“My boyfriend said that something smelled off.”

Her eyes grew wide and her lips pursed. We were still, together, for a moment before she asked, “He actually said that to you?”

Something swelled up inside of me but I slapped it down. My voice remained steady despite the heat creeping up my neck. “Yes.”

“God, I hate men.”

Regardless, we proceeded. I laid back and put my feet in the stirrups while a cold metal instrument poked and prodded around inside my body. I stared at the ceiling, replaying the doctor’s last words over and over again in my mind, and forcing myself to breathe as we do in yoga class.

After the doctor closed me up, she said that I was fine. The “weird” smell would probably go away in a few days, like how all normal smells do. (Later, I discovered that my daily vitamin had actually expired last year, and stopped taking them. Afterwards, I immediately returned back to “normal.”) Meanwhile, she would really appreciate it if I can bring my boyfriend some educational materials and/or maybe take him out back for a beating. For the next few days, I did not respond to Daniel’s texts until I got a, “I need to talk to you. Can I come over?”

That was when I found out about his addiction.

03.

In 2010, Allie and I obtained our bachelor degrees. I entered graduate school while she began working at a 6-figure job at a hedge fund company in New York City so that she could pay off her student loans as well as save for law school. She moved into a small apartment by the American Museum of Natural History, and I would visit her over the summer to party with her and her roommates. We went hard--dancing at La Caverna, Beauty Bar, Red Room (RIP), on the bar tops of Coyote Ugly, smoking with budding movie producers, running down Broadway with ripped fishnets, Insomnia Cookies at 3am, one-night stands with uppity uptown folk, late nights with smeared eyeliner and broken heels. Then, one summer, Allie told me that she met a guy. Dylan. He seemed nice. Over dinner at our favorite vegan restaurant, Allie took out her phone and said that Dylan’s dick was that thick. I rolled my eyes. We’d see how long this would last.

Allie proved me dead wrong. In 2015, as I quietly prepared myself to drop Daniel for good, Allie called to announce their engagement and asked if I could attend her wedding. I pictured bringing Daniel. But, even though I had already held his shaking hands while we watched his father get re-married, I could not imagine taking him to my friend’s wedding. I was also nearing the end of graduate school and unsure about my future. So I sent in my RSVP but did not commit. I was lucky that Allie loved me enough to entertain my uncertainty.

Then I found out about Daniel’s addiction.

Unexpectedly, the actor Terry Crews explained it the best. On February 11, 2016, Terry began releasing a series of videos called Dirty Little Secret. His timing was impeccable. In 2016, a few days after my humiliating visit to the gynecologist, Daniel came over and confessed to urges that he did not understand and could not control. It came over him, you know? When he’d do it, he’d enter this headspace and he felt so good and like he could do anything, you know? You know heroin? When he’s doing it, that’s probably how heroin feels? He can’t stop. He tried to stop it when we started dating for real, but then the urges just built up and even though he loved me, he’d wake up some days resenting me, hating me, pushing me away. He wanted to stop. He wanted to stop so badly because he could see how it was making me feel, how ugly it was making me feel, and he hated himself for it and he couldn’t stop. He’d been doing it since he was ten years old, you know, and he wanted to stop. He really wanted to stop.

I did not know the correct language at the time, and when I look back, I don’t know if he already knew or if he was kidding himself. All I could do, while he confessing his sins, was watch my boyfriend and best friend split before my eyes. He became two people—the guy who once said that my problems were his problems and that other guy, the monster, who once said that it was not him, it was me. The problem was me.

At the end of that conversation, Daniel circled back to pushing me away. We should take a break, he said, because he needed to figure this out on his own. He could not keep watching me go through the pain of enduring his trials and errors while he figured it out. And he would fix himself, he promised, he would fix himself—maybe, two months? Two months. Maybe less. What do you think about that, babe? Whatever, it was going to happen anyway.

Reader, I want you to understand that these situations are rarely sudden. It’s a stepwise process, and I was so immersed under water that I could not wipe my eyes lest I forgot to breathe. I couldn’t even move. Instead, I stood still, perfectly still, as he moved me across the board to whatever position suited him that day. In January, I smelled weird. In late January, it was me. In early February, it’s not me, it’s him. In mid-February, I was unfuckable. In early March, I was very fuckable. In mid-March, I was out of my mind trying to leave him, please don’t you understand that some people make mistakes, sometimes we’re not ready to talk about our mistakes, we’re not talking about this tonight. In late March, I was his only safe place in the world. In April, I was stressing him out. In May, he slept with someone else and told me it was only going to get worse but maybe we can still be friends?

So he showed me the door out and I left.

Terry Crews puts it the best. In one of his videos, he addresses the wives and tells them to get out. Get the fuck out. There is nothing you can do, so take care of yourself and leave right now. That’s what we told Huma, right? Standing in front of our TV screens, cozy in our ignorance, we yelled get out girl because it’s only going to get worse. In our blissful bubble, we added, with both pity and rancor, you’re too smart for this. You’re a strong and independent woman. How dare you betray us by standing there?

Later, I found out that after I got out, he sank into a deep depression because he did not expect me to cut off all ties. He’d show up unexpectedly because he knew where my office was, and he’d try to cozy up to my friends. Eventually, he texted and asked if I could help him because his pain was too much—and you know what reader? I did. Despite having hollowed myself out to make room for the ego of a grown man who could not control himself, I put off rebuilding my destroyed body, my lungs and stomach and words, to help him regain his ground. I felt light, weightless, mute. Some time in September, I developed a cough that lasted for the rest of the year. Eventually, Daniel got accepted to a faculty position. He declared himself to be sober but if he were to remain that way, he had to stop speaking to me because I was stressing him out. Thus, once more, I was the problem.

I haven’t heard from him since.

04.

Last year, I celebrated New Years with Allie and Dylan in Chicago. Allie emerged from the bedroom on New Year’s day while Dylan slept in, so she seized on the chance and asked, seriously, how was I doing.

“You never told me exactly what happened,” she pointed out.

“No, I haven’t really told anyone.”

We were quiet for a while. Then, slowly, she asked, “Did I ever tell you that I met Rafa again?”

In the summer of 2006, before we started university, Rafa called Allie and said that he was now living in northern New Jersey, just a bus ride away from our home town. She immediately agreed to meet and packed a weekend bag. Rafa lived in a tiny loft in the outskirts of an industrial town where the lakes appeared as a flat olive green. Allie felt off with her Coach bag and Lucky jeans but as soon as she entered the apartment, Rafa greeted her with open arms and a stack of poetry he had furiously scribbled out in anticipation of their reunion. The weekend flew by and she would return, week after week, even after the commute stretched because she had to move south for university. She adored Rafa’s roommate, an easy-going guy who never seemed to be around, as well as Rafa’s best friend who lived downstairs. But, most of all, she loved, loved Rafa and he loved her.

Then, it started. Rafa had always been temperamental. She’d known this since the Summit—he would passionately court her with new verses just as soon as he began ranting about some injustice in the world. It made his poetry better, hotter, she’d say. Also, it’d make him better in bed. But then Rafa’s moods turned her way. Why was she dressed like that? What was going on with her hair? Allie got rid of her skinny jeans. She cut her hair.

After a few months, she found the needles in the bathroom.

“But here’s the thing,” Allie tells me in her Chicago apartment, where her husband sleeps in the next room and her law degree hangs on the wall. Her voice drops down to a whisper. “I didn’t leave him then. I stayed.”

After discovering the needles and confronting her boyfriend, Allie continued to make those long trips up to see Rafa, who began to use openly in front of her. His mood swings and scrutiny intensified. One day, she asked why they weren’t having sex as frequently, and he looked her in the eyes and stated, “Because you’re too fat.”

Allie paused.

She won’t really remember this part until later, but apparently, she packed her weekender bag while Rafa got high in the bathroom, and walked downstairs to Rafa’s best friend’s apartment. She asked if she could stay until her bus the next morning. Later, he’d ask her for sex and she’d agree, but she wouldn’t feel it.

When she got back to her dorm room on Sunday evening, she locked the door to the suite’s bathroom and stuck her finger down her throat.

“Do you remember how skinny I was when we hung out after we graduated?” Allie asks. “That’s why. I’m better now but that was a long four years.”

I stare at the ceiling of her Chicago apartment.

“Look,” Allie continues, shifting around on her seat, her voice lowering even more and her eyes darting to the bedroom door. “I love Dylan, but you think I love, love him? Dylan is amazing. We have so much fun together and he’s my perfect partner. But listen, Tracy, I’m not out-of-my-fucking-mind in love with him. You were out-of-your-fucking-mind in love with Daniel. Rafa was the love of my life, but I can’t do that kind of shit again.”

She takes a breath. “That’s why I married Dylan, because he’s not the love of my life. Because, well, you got to think about yourself you know? You’ve got to survive.”

05.

After two years, I’m better at telling this story. I am better at staring at it directly instead of out of the peripheries, collecting my rapidly beating heart, and shoving it back into obscurity. I’m better about the shame, even though now, as I write this, I still have to change certain details. I have held back, hesitated, asked, “Do I really want to be this honest?”

I think artists and writers who create deeply flawed, personal stories and then release them into the wild are the bravest. I think about Huma, and the courage and strength needed to silently stand on a stage and stare at her burden, her liar, while the rest of the world, in their absolute arrogance, scorn her for choosing to carry it for as long as she can. How dare her. How dare you.

[cuntcartel]

I wrote this forever ago & you may never read this, but here it goes.

I left these words in the back of my throat.

There’s an old saying which reads, “You will fall in love with someone who does not love you, for not loving someone who did.” Maybe there is a law after all, a law of nature. Like gravity. An unwritten axiom that governs our emotional dealings. What you do to people comes back to you with twice the force. You see, perhaps we are not punished for our sins, but by them.

It’s hard to come to terms with love; being both beautiful and heartbreaking. But that’s the reality of loving someone you can’t be with.

With having no verbal communication, you disappearing from my life. Coming back into it, every once in a blue moon, every two years or so, and I just didn’t fucking know why. I always assumed it was fate, or God putting you back in my life and trying to tell me something, something I couldn’t figure out because it never worked out because of timing. See, with us, it was always about timing. Timing has always and I believe will forever be against us, even if we are going to be in each other’s lives for however long.

But with you, I was always deeply worried. I was and I am always worried. I used wake up with bad vibes about you, it caused inner turmoil within me, I couldn’t even reach out to you or to anyone for that matter. I had to grieve you while you were “ still alive”. Still alive to my knowledge. I didn’t know if you were or weren’t. Do you know what that is? Do you know what that does to a person that cares and loves you, unconditionally? It destroys parts of them. It destroyed parts of me, that maybe I’ll never get back. Or maybe I have, but the amount of water that I had to feed myself to grow them back still isn’t enough, and maybe the oceans will never be enough to regrow these pieces back.

I’d go to church when I could, I would pray and light my candles for you, and say my Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s to keep you safe where ever you were. I would pass by your dads house, and see your car and my heart would repose, and I would think to myself; I believe he’s okay, where ever he is, he’s okay, I believe in him. We were young and naïve. I was young and naïve, and even though we knew each other from when we were little, to me, you were like my best friend, you’re the person I still have in my life that I’ve known this long.

I didn’t mean to fall for you. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you.

What you’ll never realize is that you were my first real love. I didn’t know what love felt like until you came along and scooped me up from the bottomless despair I had been in for far too long. But what is a bottomless despair when you’re fourteen and you’re both going through it? In my eyes, you were some sort of hero, my soulmate. Yet I’m trying so hard to detach myself from your side and the comfort that you bring me by just walking in the room. 

Even though then, I accepted everything that you were. The drugs and everything. You wanting to escape this world through them. I just wanted to be there. I know it was hard on your part, but I wanted to be there. Be there for you. I think I wanted to be there to fix it. Fix your issues, fix your drug habits. Help you become a better you, but now, years laters, I see that you weren’t ready then. You were never going to be ready until you, yourself made that decision. And partially, that made me sad, because I thought I could have helped you. Truly helped you. I’m mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice. I’m mad for always apologizing for things I didn’t do. I’m mad for getting attached. I’m mad for depending on you and wasting my time on you and for you. I’m mad for thinking about you, and most of all for not hating you when I should have.

But I’ll never hate you, just isn’t me, and I think you know that.

I never thought we, we’ll mostly me, would end up the way that we did. I thought it was always going to be you and I. You know, it took me so long to let you in. You know, I was always so scared that you would break my heart someday, I would never be the same again. And that’s exactly what you did, and yeah I know you didn’t mean it. But I knew it, and I took that chance with you, even though you were so emotionally and mentally inept, but I still chose you. We were young. I expected too much from you, and that’s where I went wrong, deeply wrong. I expected so so much from you. Even though it’s been 13 years, or a bit more, I’m still picking up those pieces of the mess you made. And I won’t show anything, I will remain brave, whatever happens. I put on a brave face and I convince everyone that it was okay, but I just want to tell you - it’s not.

You broke my heart, and the worst part is you didn’t even know you were doing it. I didn’t get to be mad, I didn’t get an apology. I got nothing because we were never even “together” or were we? I don’t even know. That’s always been the worst part of all this! 
I don’t understand how you used that as an excuse to invalidate my feelings and I don’t understand how I let you. I blamed myself for everything, for looking at a friendship as something more than it actually was, for not being pretty enough, funny enough, good enough. 
I blamed myself when I was angry at you because we were “just friends”. But the truth is, you weren’t even a good enough friend to start with. I was there for you night after night, God, I made you feel like you were the fucking sun. I talked about you like you lit up the sky or something, and you, well; you didn’t give a fuck about me. I’d be gone days at a time and you wouldn’t even notice. 
You were the only person I wanted to talk to when I felt like the world was collapsing on top of me and you didn’t even wanna listen. You couldn’t even text me back while I would stay up all night just to make you feel better. 
I gave you so much and I didn’t even realize how you didn’t deserve any of it. Its funny because I apologized for being too much, for caring too much, and loving you too much, when you should of been the one apologizing for not being enough, for not even meeting me halfway, for pretending to care when you really didn’t, for flirting, for the signs that made me believe we were way more than friends. 
God I just wish I got a fucking apology so I could get some closure, so I could feel like you knew how much you hurt me but you still dont see any of it, you still don’t care about anyones feelings, and I guess sometimes you don’t get closure. You just close the door, never look back and move the fuck on.

Modern heartbreak is grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. Modern heartbreak exists within the breaths between seconds. Between minutes. Between hours, between the time it takes for them to finally respond to your messages. It is noticing that they were all over social media while you sat around and waited for them to acknowledge you. Because that is what modern heartbreak is. You can’t get away from it, even if you try. Modern heartbreak is quiet, and yet so loud. It is the little things that hang like weights in your ribcage. It is the moment you finally gain the courage to unfriend them. It is wanting to tag them in posts you would have laughed at in the past. It is noticing that they don’t hold you in bed anymore, it is noticing that they don’t put down their phone when you’re together anymore. They are somewhere else. You can feel the separation. But at the end of the day, the hardest thing about modern heartbreak is having to convince yourself that being left is not a reflection of you as a person. The hardest part of modern heartbreak is the doubt it causes, the comparison, the jealousy. It is the worry that comes with knowing that we live in a generation that is oversaturated with options, that people seem to leave for the next best thing. You see it happen all the time, and it breaks you. It makes you think about all of the ways you could have been better. It makes you think about all of the ways you could have been more. And that is why modern heartbreak is so difficult, that is why it stings so much. Long after they are gone, long after you have moved on, you still wonder. You will always wonder.

If you were a different you and I was a different me, maybe we of could been something.

Maybe I’d introduce you to my family and not care what they thought about you. Maybe we’d laugh together until we could barely breathe. Maybe I’d show you the inside of my ravaged heart, for reasons why I am the way that I am, and maybe you’d tell me about the things you keep hidden. Maybe you’d take me under your wing. Maybe you’d hold me when the world felt heavy and kick my ass when I wasn’t being the absolute brightest version of myself.

Maybe we’d have fun doing nothing and anything together. Maybe you’d smile that brilliant smile at me until I blush and look away, knowing that I will every single time. Maybe you’d tell me how much you loved my greenish but with hints of yellow eyes and the way I work harder just to impress you. Maybe you’d make me laugh at my pain and dance circles around my anxiety. Maybe you’d stubbornly fight with me until your point was proven and my tail was between my legs, but later admit that you were being an asshole. Maybe you’d tell me about your past and paint a picture of your future. Maybe you’d carry me to bed when I fell asleep on your couch and poke me in the ribs when I fell asleep in your car.

You’d be a good person with a good heart and never hesitate to say something to make my day just a little bit better than it was before. We’d be an odd and unlikely pair, but I bet everyone would root for us. We’d probably fall apart, but I bet I’d never regret you. But you’re you, and I’m me. We don’t live in a different reality. We don’t live amongst the chaos and bizarre fantasies in my head.

So given that, I’m more than content with having been in love with you and you not feeling the same. Maybe someday I’ll let it slip to the wrong person. Maybe someday, before you go off to resume your life and utilize your potential elsewhere, you will find out – and just smile at me like I’m the most precious and naïve thing in the world.

But Moving on is not like a birthday, you can’t count down the hours ‘til it arrives and you can’t mark it on a calendar and you can’t call up your friends to help you celebrate. You can’t plan for it and you can’t conclude it by blowing out a candle. When moving on happens there will be no announcements, no notifications, no congratulations. There will be no parade; only you will know. 
Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. Then the jokes. Then the eyes, the hair, the hands, the feet. You forget the socks. You forget the fingers, the toes, the sex. You forget the pulses, the beats, the rhythms and how you sometimes felt like they all belonged to you. You forget the words; finally, you forget the voice that spoke them.

Moving on is not like beginning a new chapter, it’s like beginning a new book — with each turned page, the last story you read fades into the background. A fairy tale that becomes just another book on a shelf; folded corners and underlined words the only reminder of how you used to touch and hold and love it.

Moving on is waking up after dreaming of you all night, and not waking up and being upset or in one of your moods where you can’t shake out of.Moving on is when you think about him and don’t punish yourself for it. Moving on is not to destroy or to combust or to set ablaze, it is simply to move, to advance through space and time, to leave behind the familiar dull of heartbreak for the new, the unknown, the strange. Moving on is like freedom, that is what moving on is like.

But now i know after all this time and years why you were coming back into it my life, every so often, every two years or so, just for one thing only and it wasn’t even me. That’s the lesson God was and is still trying to teach me and I finally, finally after all this time and with official heart break I have learned his ways and I will heal. I will heal from this, from you, from this entire battle that i have had to fight on my own.

The universe could have not done nothing more cruel then send you into my life at the wrong time, or maybe I was the one that put myself in the crossways where I shouldn’t have been, because I wanted to fix you and give every once of my being and you just wanted to take. That’s what you are, a taker & I’m the giver.

I’ve always been the giver.

The way you made me love was cynical. The way you made the bruises Look beautiful, Not just the ones on my skin, But the ones on my heart.
He always liked it rough- can’t lie, so did I-So maybe thats why; When he stuck knives in my back, He always made them go a little deeper; making sure I could feel it.
But he swore he wasn’t like that anymore, That things would be different now. But even when his hands weren’t around my throat; He could just look at me and I would still choke. You only loved me when I was undressed.

I just wanted to be the only one. You were my first, but I was one of the many you string along until you find what you think you want. I hope you look back and regret letting go of the only girl that loved just you. You lost eternal love and I lost someone that didn’t care.

I used to worry that I wasn’t the girl for you but now I know that you’re not the guy for me. You’re never going to be the one who shows if I need you at 3 in the morning. You’re not going to be the one who goes out of his way to help me or stay with me until I fall asleep. You’re not going to hold me in your arms until you make sure everything is alright again. You only know how to be absent. You’re never going to be the one who calms my storms or reassures me that you’re not like the rest. You’re never going to be the person who makes me feel like I’m enough because you’ll always be looking for something else. You’re never going to be my prince charming, you’re never going to be the person that’s genuinely proud of me. You’ll never be the guy who stands tall in front of a crowd and says she’s mine. You’ll never be the one who cares more or the one who stays. You’ll never be the one who loves unconditionally or gives without thinking twice about it. You’ll always be the one who’s scared, the one who keeps making excuses. You’ll always be the one who keeps running away. You’re never going to be my hero. The one who saves the day. The one chooses me over anyone and anything. The one who puts me first. The one who understand that loving me may not be easy but it will be worth it and the one who knows that life will never be perfect but it’s better when I’m with him. You’re never going to be the one who makes loving me look easy. You’ll never be the one who just knew from the moment he met me that he can’t let me go. You’ll never be the one who tries harder or fights for me when things get rough. You’ll always be the one to complain, the one to let go, the one to put yourself first, you’ll always be selfish with your heart and with me. You’re never going to be the one who captures my heart or protect it. You’ll always be the one who steps on it unaware of how much it hurts.

I wanted in. I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we’ve shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don’t know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. The reckless irony in how I tried to get revenge on you by destroying myself. How pathetic is that?

You’ve been in my life what feels like for.ev.er. We’ve been best friends, soul mates, at war with each other, lovers again, then back to enemies, hooked up with each other, stopped speaking, then friends again.  All this time has passed and we’ve both changed in many ways, but for some reason, I’m still not completely over you. I’m not over you because you don’t let me move on. I’ll go on living my life and the distance between us will grow, but then when I think I’ve gotten rid of you for good, you pop back up.  You can’t just ask how I’ve been, say we should hang out, and tell me how much I still mean to you. Because once I feel like I can trust you enough again to follow through on seeing you or believing you, you disappear and with you, a part of me follows. I see you jumping from girl to girl, and I can’t count the times I’ve told myself that I hope that’s what you want because a relationship with me was never enough to satisfy you. 

I’ve seen you try to settle down with other people and I was happy when you were happy and when they left you broken, I was broken. I want you to find what’s best for you and I don’t ever want to see you in pain. But I don’t know if it’s love and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to sort out whatever it is I’m feeling because you close doors for us as fast as you open them.  You once said you look for me in every girl you date and you’ve never been able to find someone you connect with the way we did. You’ve told me time and time again as long as I’m in your life in some way, you’ll be okay. But I’m not. 

I’d like to believe if you meant what you said, you’d toss aside whatever is holding you back and give us another chance.  I’d love to know that I’ve been such an impact on your life that you still want me apart yours, but you ignore me a hell of a lot more times than you respond and I don’t appreciate the texts that come weeks later saying you forgot about me because you were hung up on someone else.

But, for you to come back, doesn’t mean I still don’t love you.

However, I have learned that you cannot keep a wild thing; there is no point of holding onto something that I don’t have any assurance of. It only causes hurt — and I need to live a happier and more peaceful life. I need to do this, not because of you, or even for you, but for myself.

Nevertheless, and regardless of where we are right now, your name will taste like wine and first kisses. Like naïveté and stubbornness. Bittersweet.

M•A•M

[just-some-other-reviews]

I’m so heartbroken with the cancellation of the season 3. I’ll have to wait for the translation of the novel to have my ending. Ah... I love those who translate Chinese BL novel, they’re doing such a great job...

Like Love is a BL school romantic drama rated 18+. Mai Ding is a typical boy who dreams of suddenly becoming rich by winning the lottery. As he enters in school after staying home for two years, his roommate asks him to find out the orientation of their neighbor, An Zhiyan, for his friends. Mai Ding, when he sees An Zhiyan, decides he’ll become his friend, desperately trying to get close to the cold boy, and, as time passes, their relation deepens to the point that Mai Ding develops feelings for Zhiyan.

I’ll start by a quick warning. Even though a cut version was released, the one I found the more frequently online was the uncut version. And, I mean it really didn’t disturb me, I’m quite used to it and it wasn’t that graphic, but there’s four sex scenes in like the two seasons. It’s not implicit sex scenes, it’s explicit sex scenes, but it’s not BDSM, at the same time. The drama is classed as 18+, but like it’s in free access on YouTube and everything, so even if you’re not eighteen you can find it. I mean, I’ll be honest, I don’t encourage watching movies above your age, but everybody watched movies or dramas when they were young that they shouldn’t watch, me first (and I’m not that young anymore, so basically, I can watch every movie I want now). I watched like 16+ movies when I was like twelve, so yeah, basically it wouldn’t surprise me that underage folks watch Like Love, but I just wanted to specify it because like – I really hate saying that because I find it completely awful – it could hurt the sensibility of some because it’s a gay couple. But, I’ll be, once again, honest with you. If you can watch a 18+ movie with people of opposite sex, I don’t know what’s so perturbing in watching a 18+ drama with people of the same sex. Dammit, it’s the same thing except that in one version you see boobs and pecs, another pecs and pecs and another boobs and boobs. Seriously, there’s nothing disturbing in that.

Since this point was cleared, let’s start the review. For the plot, it’s quite typical, but it’s well-handled, I mean, in comparison to some dramas of the same type with the same plot. The story line isn’t really complex , but it’s enjoyable and there’s a true will to make it stays coherent. BUT, unfortunately, between the two seasons they are a few plot holes due to sudden change of parents for Mai Ding and change of house (yes… Mai Ding obtained a brand new family between the two seasons without any reason). The progression is quite typical, in general, which make it really predictable. Over the whole two seasons, the story is more or less realistic, since it clearly falls into ‘’rich’’ fantasy from which Mai Ding doesn’t even hid himself. I mean, he clearly says more than once than being with Ziyan is like wining at the lotto. Probably because I watched this drama right after Falling in Love With a Rival, I thought the dialogues were quite good. I’m not sure that I’ll think the same thing if I watch it again one time (technically, I already watched it twice, nearly three time because I had to count the sex scenes…). What’s more, the plot is quite well-paced which allows it to not have many lengths. What’s more, one season is quite short (around two hours), so it’s really easily watchable. Even though we could think that because of Ziyan’s a bit controlling personality it would directly fall into a ‘’stereotyped’’ bad boy x innocent individual relationship it doesn’t. The romance is pretty sweet and I’m pretty sure you’ll root for this couple, even though they’re still ‘’stereotyped’’ gay characters because they occupy specific positions and don’t seem to change them. What’s more, the romance takes some time before starting. The meeting is a bit forceful and the crush a bit rushed, but Ziyan doesn’t immediately start to date Mai Ding, which is common for his type of character, but let’s skip that for the moment. The only thing I liked less in their relationship was the questionable first relation. Mai Ding is obviously drunk, but he could have sober up, but can somebody sober up this quickly (Is it apparent that I don’t drink?)? Basically, I’m not so sure there was a consent in the relation, but, at least, it wasn’t portrayed as something forceful… *nervously sweating* Well, I’m a big fan of consenting relationship you know, but like I’m sorry, I’m not sure about that one, BUT all the relations following are fully consenting, so it kind of save the drama. Right? Please don’t bash me. I know Ziyan should have waited for Mai Ding to be sober and, even if he knew Mai Ding had feelings for him, he should have made sure to have his consent, but I can’t change what’s in the drama and I can’t change the fact that, in general, I liked this drama, but that doesn’t excuse anything and I can easily understand if someone comes by and says that they hated this drama because of that. I feel as if I became desensitized to many things due to some Chinese and Thai dramas in which rape is way too present. As I’m talking about sexual relation, I should talk about sexuality. What’s kind of nice in this drama is that it doesn’t take lightly the question of the sexuality of the characters, but presents different point of view on the question, while still maintaining the fact that, no matter what, Mai Ding and Zihan will stay together. Finally, because there’s no third season (I am reading the translated book because of that…), there’s like a short sequel named He’s Next to You. I watched it and, sincerely, this thing seriously mess with your feelings and it doesn’t contribute to the story, so you can just skip it without any problem.

For the characters, they are really cute, but they are also really common. Mai Ding fits the typical female lead mold by being super nice, innocent and naïve, while being really into one boy and giving him his everything. An Ziyan is just the cold boy who does everything he wants, but truly wants to love and be loved. Luckily, Ziyan is a bit more developed than being a controlling dominant. Most characters don’t go through much change, but the details put in their personalities kind of slightly compensate for it, since they have some depth. What’s truly astonishing in the characters is the second female lead, let’s call her that way, that’s basically the sweeter individual in the whole world by supporting the two boys, even though, because of it, she lost her future husband. Her relationship with both Ziyan and Mai Ding is truly comforting considering the fact that most female characters of the drama are just plain awful by being completely forceful and not accepting their relationship. Another refreshing character was Ziyan’s grandfather that, at the complete opposite of most grandfathers in dramas that are considered as having ‘’old mentalities’’, is the one who stick up for Ziyan and who convinces the whole family that they should let Ziyan be in love with who he wants. Finally, the last character that didn’t go against the relationship of the boys and tried to cause trouble because of personal interests was Ling Min, Mai Ding’s roommates who fully supported him when he was after Ziyan and never distanced himself from Mai Ding, even after he learned he was interested in men. At the school, he was probably the most comprehensible character, which truly made him stand out. I could talk for hours about the ‘’evil’’ characters of this drama, but none are worse than the parents. Ziyan’s mother is just desperate, underdeveloped and does pretty dumb thing that make me ask me if she’s rational. Mai Ding’s parents are fine in the first season, but in the second season, there’s some shit going down who makes them really unlikable. In the drama, it isn’t really explained what happens to Mai Ding’s parents and why they change their mind, but if you want more precision, just go seek the novel online, you’ll understand why they suddenly change their mind.

I’ll just touch a quick word about that before concluding. As said, I read the novel. It isn’t fully translated, but, so far, the drama is pretty loyal to it. For those who might be interested in the novel because there’s way more precision on the characters’ state of mind and their justifications, I’ll just warn you. The novel doesn’t have as much implicit sex scenes, but it has pretty graphic scenes and I’m not necessarily talking about sexual relation. There’s a lot of violence in the novel which isn’t included in the drama and Ziyan looks way more like a mobster (no kidding, like he’s truly frightening sometimes) than like a cold-hearted boy. By example, there’s a bullying scene in which Zihyan forces a student to put pens one after the other in the bottom of a kid who bullied Mai Ding. Also, I didn’t talk about it in my review for the plot and everything, but in the novel Ziyan is way meaner (playfully meaner) with Mai Ding than in the drama, even though some scenes such as the ‘’break-up’ because Zihan was marrying’’ were kept. BASICALLY, just be aware that it’s not an always cute novel and often there are scenes that are just over the top and not right at all.

I’ll conclude here. I’m so sorry that this review is long. I had no choice, since I cover both seasons in the same review. At the opposite of many double reviews I did, I’ll give a single note for this drama. The plot would deserve a 8/10. The characters would deserve a 2.5/5. The tearjerker factor would be a 2/5.

[anyaag-blog]

TIME CAPSULE IN REVERSE

If I could meet my younger self, I would have a lot to say. Not because I have so many regrets and resentments, but because there is just so much to tell.

 1.     DO NOT KEEP YOURSELF IN A BOX, THE WORLD IS VAST AND BEAUTIFUL.

It is only waiting for you to discover it.

2.     DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TRY.

I believe you have so much potential, do not let it fade away in time just because you are afraid to try something new.

3.     NURTURE YOUR IMAGINATION.

Your thoughts are your own, and they are lovely. Your ideas can run wild and big; couple it with passion and you will go a long way. Keep it in a bubble, and all you will have is a box full of wasted dreams.

4.     BE BOLD AND ADVENTUROUS. 

Your soul is on fire, but you keep it only to yourself and your loved ones. Show the world your undying curiosity and learn from every daring thing you experience -- may it be on foot, through words, through your pen, or tongue, or places you go, books you read, the food you eat, and music you listen to.

5.     BE ASSERTIVE.

Stand up for yourself and your opinions. Being passive is not always the healthiest option.

6.     DO NOT WORRY TOO MUCH!

So many things in this world can go wrong, and that's the way life is.

7.     DO NOT TRY TO FIND A SOLUTION FOR EVERYTHING.

Not everything needs to get fixed. See things as it is, not as it should be. Nobody can carry the world on their shoulders -- Atlas was a myth, this is the real world.

8.     YOU ARE PATIENT, KEEP THAT UP.

BUT --- In some ways you are also the opposite, so learn to wait. Always. Time is gold, but not everything will always run at your pace.

9.     LEARN TO LISTEN.

By that, I mean PAUSE. Breathe. Release. Let others speak, and just be there. Some people do not need your reply, some people just need a moment. Hear them out.

10. NEVER LET ANYBODY MAKE YOU FEEL SMALL.

11. IN EVERY SITUATION, TRY TO BE THE BETTER PERSON.

12. BUT, ALSO, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SPEAK YOUR MIND.

13. AND IF THINGS BECOME TOO HARD TO HANDLE, REACH OUT.

Do not take it out on yourself.

14. READ MORE. You will love it .

15. BE MORE OPEN TO NEW AND UNFAMILIAR THINGS. 

Listen to music you've never listened to or the ones you used to hate. Talk to people you are intimidated by. Appreciate the shades and hues in the colors you feel sick looking at. Try to learn to love garlic. And onions. And tomatoes.

16. BY THE AGE OF 28, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GINGER ROOT WILL CHANGE.

You will cook almost everything with ginger, drink ginger more often, even crave for ginger candy on some days.

17. YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES. SOMETIMES IT IS OKAY, SOMETIMES IT IS NOT.

Own up to it. Apologize and redeem yourself. Make a better person of yourself out of it. Do not let other people tell you you're not a good individual because of these mishaps. DO NOT REPEAT. Ever.

18. BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO WILL CHALLENGE YOU, QUESTION YOUR PERSPECTIVES, AND AT THE SAME TIME, RESPECT YOUR CHOICES.

19. YOU'VE CHOSEN THE RIGHT FRIENDS. They may be few, but they are worth keeping.

20. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY NO.

1.       You've gotten in trouble just by being afraid to offend other people with that one powerful word.

21. SOMETIMES, IT IS NOT GOOD TO BE TOO NICE.

Especially if you are taken advantage of. Do not be too naïve.

22. ALWAYS BE KIND.

No matter what other people say, just always be kind. Even when you have to say no, still be kind.

23. DO NOT JUDGE TOO QUICKLY (BUT DO NOT BE GULLIBLE).

There is always something more to every person.

24. DRINK LESS COCA COLA.

As your future self, I tell you, when you reach 29, you'd have stopped drinking pop. But do not wait that long.

25. BE MORE ACTIVE! You will realize too late that health is important.

26. DO NOT BE TOO INSECURE WITH YOUR BODY. 

Accept your body for how it looks, take care of it, take pride in your flaws. Other people's standards are irrelevant if you know your worth.

27. YOUR VOICE MAY NOT BE GOOD, BUT KEEP SINGING TO YOURSELF ANYWAY. It always makes you feel good!

28. ALWAYS CREATE NEW THINGS. 

From the branches you pick up, to the fabric of your worn-out shirt. You can always make something beautiful out of nothing, just trust yourself.

29. BE MORE INQUISITIVE. It will broaden your world.

30. DO NOT WAIT FOR YEARS BEFORE GOING TO A DERMATOLOGIST. DO IT NOW. You better damn well do it ASAP. You'll thank me.

31. LOVE YOURSELF. Fully. Sincerely.

 I am betting that halfway through this list, my teenage self will roll my eyes at me. Or take it in. WHO KNOWS.