#nice i've made myself extremely sad now thank you anon :(

[sylenth-l]

Ya know i like to think of Osiris often looking up at the sky wondering if he made some right decisions ad if he's asking them to his mentor. Kinda like "what would do?" Type of situations. Not always but when he feels pretty lost and is working.

That's something I like to think too! I think it's quite natural and wouldn't be weird or surprising, since Felwinter was his mentor for a long time, somebody Osiris looked up to, valued his opinion and even picked up some of his behavioral patterns. For mr. Phoenix-of-the-Dark-Age-scholar-of-the-cosmos-I-have-no-equal to sincerely call somebody his mentor is already quite telling. I think I say that a lot, but just… subtle things like these always get me on some special level. Maybe sometimes he wishes Felwinter could've seen the Last City as well, how people live now, how Guardians are. That everything they did and sacrificed wasn't in vain or for nothing. That he was right about Rasputin in the end. That SIVA technology could have been and was used to make people's lives much better, like in Neomuna. And other stuff like that.

Also I think Osiris just in general is a person who likes to think out loud and search for the answers in conversations with somebody who Gets It and who can keep up with his speed jet of thoughts. I'm sure if he had a chance, he would've been happy to discuss a lot with Felwinter, like, A LOT, and Felwinter would've known what to tell him. Actually, I think back when Osiris had an access to the Infinite Forest, he run some simulations of just. Talking to him. Or sitting in his study by the fireplace, when he wanted to calm his mind. (Sometimes it helped, but mostly just hurt)

[burnin0akleaves]

Hey! Sorry for popping in as anon, I'm genuinely not sure if some of the things I'm going to say are going to be nice, and I am a coward. But this is regarding you quitting to post in the RA fandom. If you consider my opinion on this as unwanted/unnecessary, do not feel obliged to reply. (Though I honestly think you never feel like that anyway)

I first saw your art when I joined the RA tag a while ago, and I thought to myself: 'Huh. Nice art, not my cup of tea though.' Since then, you have changed my mind. Your obsession with TRR Will and repeated posting about it not only has changed my thoughts on your art (I've really grown to like it) but also on the character of Will himself. I was on Reddit during that massive TRR Will hate phase and some of these posts had really tainted my view. You changed that and I am so grateful for that. Not seeing your art anymore will be sad, but I suppose my own lack of interaction is to blame for that. I made my bed so now I sleep in it. Your reaction to stop posting is justified and understandable, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to miss seeing your TRR Will on my dash.

Who knows what the RA movie (if it ever does come out) will do to this fandom, but I hope that new faces might get things swinging enough again for you to rejoin the fandom. Lastly, I have to say that for me, you've been a legend in this fandom, and will continue to be one, even if you focus on other things from now on.

Well hello there, this was unexpected. First of all thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to write to me! The reception to that post has been overwhelmingly positive even though it hasn't been up for that long and it makes me feel very glad I finally pushed myself to write that official goodbye message.

I don't know who you are and I don't really have any guesses, your message implies you didn't interact with my posts a lot so maybe I saw you around only a few times (?), but you have no idea how much this means to me. Throughout most of my time in the fandom my main goal was always to change people's minds about TRR and more specifically, TRR Will. I've heard that I succeeded many times and honestly, that was one of the biggest reasons I could keep myself so pumped up about a book series I read all the way back when I was in middle school (<- an adult saying this)

Seeing people go from "Cool post, not my thing though." to "Well I can kind of see what you mean when you say it like that." to "I agree, this does sound pretty good!" was both my biggest source of pride and motivator here. Hearing you say I changed your mind just now has the same effect on me, it almost makes me want to rush to my computer to draw or write about Will.

Also, extremely bold of you to say you didn't like my art at first motherfucker /j

Speaking seriously though, my art style practically grew here. When I first joined the fandom I was NOT good; hell, I can't look past anything before July of last year still. Maybe it was just me improving artistically that helped you warm up to my stuff more. I really really hope the new artists have that kind of experience too! You get obsessed with a little guy and then your brain decides to level up as fast as possible. TRR Will is that little guy for me.

Your last words are so, so kind. The way you speak about me here in general is extremely kind. I'm glad I was able to leave a good impression. And you're right, maybe all I need is a break and when I come back this space will feel more fitting again.

Like I said, I still have lots of connections to this fandom via others. I'm still technically helping out with the Gathering stuff, so maybe I'll work on doing a prompt or two still! I'm also a mod in the NSFW server and I love that place, I'm not leaving it anytime soon. If more TRR books come out you can bet I won't be able to shut up about them anyway, if I don't make at least one post then assume I'm dead.

What I'm trying to say is, I'll be around! Our paths will cross again.

PS: The entirety of the RA subreddit can suck my dick. I'm gatekeeping older, experienced Will from all of them. None of them deserve him.

[drbased]

Thank you so much for answering ! I was so hesitant about sending that ask because to me it was just an unnecessarily morbid and sad vent, so imagine my surprise when you said it was lovely to receive 😹

I have watched the alt right playbook series when it came out ! I used to be very involved in skeptictube back in the day and everyone recommended it. I'll need to rewatch it ! I was wondering if you had recommandations about the satanic panic specifically, as you mentioned listening to/watching something about it ?

Your paragraph about conspiracy theories is SO on point! I definitely need to translate it and show it to my mother, you worded perfectly what I've been trying to explain to her. Q anon really is a good example of these things because it is exceptionally stupid and extreme.

A few things about the Emmanuel Macron theory :

My father didn't come up with it, he never does. I'm not sure how to say it in english but my father is very influencable, he is very easily convinced by people trying to sell him products (or ideas...). Most of his ideas come from people he follows on twitter and odyssee. As for the theory itself : the idea that Brigitte Macron is actually male is very popular amongst french conspiracy theorists, and I suppose you are not aware, but even without that she is quite the controversial figure. She was the president's teacher in high school and if I remember correctly, when he got his diploma she left her husband for him and they have been together even since. I'm not giving my opinion on this whole debacle because it's above my paycheck lol, but as long as my father has known who this woman is, he has hated her with a burning passion and made it very clear from how he talks about her. Long story short he wants her hanged on the time square 👍. This is all very hypocritical of him considering he never had any moral issues with his sister (my aunt) marrying a man she started dating when she was 12 and he was 28. And never acting up and doing something to help her when he turned out to be abusive. (Shocker I know)

For your answers : I agree with everything apart from the fact that Macron is a right wing politician and my father also wants HIM dead 👍 he wants everybody dead. He used to be anti death penalty and a profound pacifist, but now he cannot dislike things or people normally. Everything becomes extremely violent.

Writing all this has been very cathartic! This situation has been harder and harder to live by the day (I still live with my father after all) and I've been having a bit of a breakdown because of it. It's hard to remain cordial and polite with someone like this everyday, because every activity, every subject of conversation is tainted. It has taken all the joy out of our home life, mine especially. So thank you for hearing me out :) you're really cool

Nice to find another informed and cultured fellow like myself! I'm very glad you're familiar with the alt right playbook. Imo it should be standard 'reading' for any wannabe leftist. My favourite video is the one on 'controlling the conversation' which has entirely shifted how I engage with people online, and is responsible for why you don't see me argue much on here.

Don't worry about being morbid, I'm used to all sorts of things I probably shouldn't burden my fragile mind with. Regardless, I think it's so important that women speak out about our experiences with each other. What I find so fascinating about feminist analysis is that literally every subject you can name will inevitably relate back to some patriarchal ideology/practice - which makes sense because women are 50% of the population and male oppression is so universal that of course it would permeate everything.

Huh, Macron's wikipedia page mentioned associations with the socialist party. And I also figured that it would make sense him being considered left wing, since right wingers are obsessed with emasculated, 'soft' men having left wing politics. However I did originally intend to put 'left wing' in air quotes because I'm aware that even self-proclaimed left wing parties are liberal at best.

Here's the video that sparked my thoughts - it's a much more standard exploration of the history of satanism so there's not much in terms of analysis, just history. I'm getting slowly used to it but now whenever I hear a man speak on a political/philosophical subject, the absence of feminist analysis is palpable. I'm a big fan of breadtube and skeptictube but since I started engaging with feminism I can't help but notice those glaring gaps where they'll say stuff like 'trads want women to go back into the kitchen because they believe that men and women should have certain roles' - they're so deathly afraid to address what those roles are and why they exist, it would be funny if it wasn't frustrating. If I find any better resources on satanism I'll let you know; it would be cool if anyone has any good book recommendations on things like satanism, conspiracy theories etc. from a feminist point of view. (I think Gyn/ecology might touch on it? I've not got a copy unfortunately).

I am very unsurprised that your father is fine with a age gap between an older man and woman but not the other way round. It's one of the oldest double standards in the book, I'd wager! Also unsurprised about the sharp turn to loving violence in all forms. It's funny isn't it, how the absurdity of qanon is so obvious - it's been said before by women on here that there seems to be something so enticing about these farcical ideologies. I think people like confidence, they like the idea of being sure against all odds, and the more ridiculous the assumption the more you have to take it in on faith - and then you're locked in, because admitting it was wrong will eventually require you admit it's also patently absurd. I think a lot of people just don't want to take that leap. There are a lot of books on how to escape cults that might be of interest? Combating Cult Mind Control by Stephen Hassan comes to mind - I haven't read it but I've heard good things about it.

I didn't know you still live with him - that's incredibly tough. I can strongly imagine how difficult that would make day-to-day life. I have experienced something similar before. Not being able to talk freely with loved ones in your own home really does change something inside you, I think. I'm glad writing it all out has been cathartic for you - we women need to do this more, our experiences need to be heard and documented. I hate the fact that because of our visibility online we can never give too much away, but there are ways around it I think. It's been so incredibly cathartic for me to write - it's made me feel not crazy, it's given me focus and purpose. Anyway, best of luck to you, I hope you get out of that situation as soon as possible, or at least find some way of making it more palatable for yourself.

[clare-with-no-i]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank youuu @isahorcrux for the tag! it's been so long since I did one of these omigoddddd

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

37!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

392k. a bit crazy that the next chapter of theogony will put it over 400k. wauw!!!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

publicly? Harry Potter and Percy Jackson. privately? I have an entire folder on my laptop called 'other shit' which is just one-shots for about fifteen different fandoms which I will never publish <3

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

god. this is really making me look at my statistics page which I actively try not to do lol. but it's one long day, I will carry you, color theory, foreigner's god, and growing pains. what can I say, the ppl love the they lived AUs!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to but I'm terrible about it which is a personal failing. I am so sorry. a new strategy that helps with this is that with my WIPs I try to respond right after the next chapter is posted so the person gets a nice lil notif and they have something else to read!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh hmmm. I guess the derelict art of letting go ending was angsty, but the whole thing was angsty. the end was bittersweet. maybe Invictus? ok new problem is I can't remember what I've written

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

foreigner's god! it's always clare why did you write all of that sad stuff into foreigner's god clare why did you write their deaths in such brutal detail clare I made my roommate read this and now she won't stop crying blah blah and it's never hey clare thanks for that nice ending scene where they're just married and lying in bed and vibing!!!!!!!!!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

yeah I do and I think under viking law I'm legally permitted to fistfight the commenters!!!!!!!!!!!! step up cowards!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. Do you write smut. If so, what kind?

god. lmao. yes I do! not often, though, I'm afraid. I tend to write an extremely narrow niche which is just exorcising trauma through sex and personal intimacy. I have no chill :)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no I actually usually dislike crossovers lol. like theogony is a fusion of the outlander premise but I can assure you that James Alexander Malcom MacKenzie Frasier will not make an appearance. crossovers stress me out and I like to keep my little fictional words separate, if I can. ok edit: on further review I've concluded that I enjoy premise swaps (these are just AUs lol), but I can't deal with characters from multiple pieces of media interacting. it's too much. stay in your lanes, my god. this isn't super smash bros.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not a whole fic but someone basically copy and pasted a bunch of lines from NAR into their story and then a bunch of drama ensued. it sucked and I don't like looking at NAR because it reminds me of it. I still think about the anon who told me about it, though. they were so lovely and so caring and kind to me. I hope they're doing well.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! both with my permission and without. ha ha.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

babes I can't even finish the stories that I'm writing by myself

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

percabeth or zelink! or any doomed/short-lived/five seconds of screen time couple in a tv show or book. seriously idk why but I always fixate on the less important characters

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I renounce this question in the name of christ. amen.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I exist not with writing strengths or weaknesses but instead a secret third thing (stupidly recognizable style)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

see above

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I actually have a WIP where James lives in Spain to play quidditch and he speak Spanish in it :) eso me asusta mucho pq no he practicado mi español hace muchos años pero…sea lo que sea

19. First Fandom you wrote for?

percabeth! my ffnet account is still out there somewhere with ~four percabeth stories that are terrible :) just very bad :) no good :) horriblé :)

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

theogony or foreigner's god! or suze's bday fic but that's because I have never tailor-made something for someone quite like that fic and she was so sweet about it eye can't deal

tagging my internet wife @thequibblah bestie...knocking at ur door...standing outside with an edible arrangement...

[hamanihamare-imagines]

Hello hello!!! I've been binge reading your blog for the past hour hehe~ Thank you for your hardwork!! and also, not a request? i guess? but I just wanted to share a cute scenario I suppose!! I just imagined Ramuda proposing to his s/o by having them try on a wedding dress for "work" and when they turn around, Ramuda is on his knees with a ring hehe~ That'd be cute right? qq w qq aaahh anyways- have a nice day mod samatoki!!! 💕🌱

Hello!! Aahh you’re so sweet anon!! Thanks so much!!😭 Actually, sorry for having taken a bit to reply, the fact is that even though you said that it’s not a request, I still wanted to write this scenario because it’s very cute! I hope you will like it!! And have a nice day too, love you!!💕

.

Ramuda + proposing to his s/o

“Thanks a lot for your help~!” Ramuda exclaimed as soon as you stepped out of the dressing room.

Your boyfriend had called you for an ‘emergency’ as he had named it. Basically, the model he had hired for a wedding dress he was working on cancelled on him last minute; apparently, she fell ill just the day before, and she couldn’t come. When Ramuda called you and asked you with his pleading voice, there wasn’t much you could do.

And this was why you were now standing on a pedestal in front of a full-length three-part mirror, wearing a wedding dress. White, with a wide skirt and a sparkling corsage. That dress seemed to have popped out of your dreams.

Looking at your reflexion, you felt wonderful and before you could realize, you were imagining a standing crowd around you, while you walked down the carpet towards the only person who really mattered in your life. That pink-purple haired man.

You shook immediately those thoughts off your mind. They were too beautiful and you knew that they could have never been real. Ramuda wasn’t the ‘commitment’ type of guy after all. Yes, you had been together for quite a long time, but someone like him would never choose to bind himself to only one person for his life.

You blinked away the sadness from your eyes and forced a smile.

“So? What is it you have to check?” you asked. Your boyfriend wasn’t giving you any reply so you turned, to verify if he was listening to you, and gasped at what you saw.

Ramuda was kneeling in front of you while holding a ring.

“Will you marry me?”

“What?” you could only reply.

“You heard me,” he retorted back with an amused smile.

“Wait, but, eh? Did you just want to try the ‘feeling’ since you had the chance?”

“Y/N, I created the chance myself. I made this dress for you, the work was only an excuse to convince you,” he confessed, chuckling a bit due to your shocked face.

Honestly, your mind was understanding nothing. This dress…for you? Ramuda asking you to marry him? Was it all a dream?

You pinched your arm, to which Ramuda laughed, and realizing that this was, in fact, the reality, you started crying.

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! One hundred times yes!” you said loudly, not controlling your excitement.

Standing up, Ramuda put the ring on your finger and stepped on the pedestal for kissing you.

“I love you so so so much,” he whispered to you.

“Me too,” you stuttered between your small sobs.

Ramuda didn’t tell you to not cry but limited himself to dry your tears, he knew that those were only caused by your extreme joy.

[eulerami]

I hope this isn't too out of line of me, but I would really like to tell you that I adore your writing. I've only read Bite the Bullet but I love the way you show people interacting with each other and the environment around them. I really, really adore it so far, and it makes me sad to see you say your writing sucks when it's so good! I understand how it feels, but I wanted to let you know that I think you have some really amazing writing to share and I hope you can see that too! 🌻

Awww man, I appreciate you taking the time to say this.

This is kind of a rant with no direction, but I’ve been debating saying something for a few weeks now anyway. I just feel like I should put this out there someplace.

It’s just been harder than expected for me. I went from a fandom where there were so many toxic people over the course of like, four or five years, just waiting in the woodwork at every turn for me to have even a smidgen of doubt. I had to defend my ass at every freaking turn, for who-the-fuck knows what, (misplaced passion?) pfft.

Folk really get off on you showing any kind of insecurity, seriously. It got to the point where they so greatly outnumbered the genuinely nice fans that I’ve just got this gut reaction for nothing less than perfection, with a hard-ass mentality to go with it, all the time. To the point where I still feel guilty doing doodles or more carefree things. (Like it’s corrupting the source material, somehow. Integrity, and all that.) I have to grit my teeth and post it anyway. I still find myself taking shit down.

In that pursuit I’ve sunk all my energy into improving my art and making comics. So, when I came back to writing, I’m finding it extremely hard to get the creativity flowing because it’s so nerve wracking. I’m inspired, frustratingly so, but it won’t come out. My hands just, nope, they freeze and I end up procrastinating.

I’m used to every detail, word, etc, being so intensely scrutinized, analyzed, or ridiculed with underhanded commentary or shitty attempts at “humor,” from “friends,” that it’s just. Ugh. Literally every fucking post, at one point. Anons. Messages. Whatever. I turned anon off, but then I got in my head, no…maybe it’s constructive, this is what being a professional is.

I grew up with people constantly putting me down and I fought through that to get where I am, so this is just more of the same thing, right? It’s not progress if there’s no opposition, right? People are always going to act like they give a damn but in reality they just can’t wait to watch you fuck up, right? It’s okay so long as you’re aware they’re like that at all times, right? Fuckin Autism-brain.

Boy was that fucking stupid, don’t do that to yourself. 

You improve too, years worth. Learn to paint. Learn to render. Learn typefacing, paneling, cinematography. Sink 12 hours at a time at the computer, learning everything you can with a burning passion. I have 400GB of space dedicated to PSD files. You emerge at the other end, overjoyed, ecstatic really, that you can make this with your own hands. You’re finally impressed with how it turned out–it looks amazing.

…Only for people to say, “I liked your older stuff better uwu. Dunno why, it was just fun.” Thanks! Fuck you!

When I was learning Zbrush, for example, the shitty comments were just, unreal. Like I’m learning, motherfuckers, let’s see you do fucking better. I was trying to learn how to sculpt the delicate ethnic nuances of different people, mostly indigenous people because I am really passionate about other cultures and making characters embody these features and histories.

It’s very important to me. Monolids here, broad cheekbones there–how often do you see 3D models on Artstation that aren’t 20-something white people? “Beautiful,” too, decked out to the nines with western-ideal supermodel builds and faces. I was trying to do something else. To make believable people.

Trying to find a new way to make Afro-Asiatic curly hair with Maya or Zbrush, without $10,000 in tools, etc. 

I get shitty, borderline fucking racist comments left and right, disguised as humor, that are so blatant I’m wondering if I’m the one making my shit look like caricatures to make people say this shit to begin with, and if I’m being more insulting than appreciative. It was stressful.

But you can’t flip the fuck out on these people, unless you want to be brought up to the fucking gallows and put on blast. When you’ve got a passion project you’ve spent 4 years on hanging in the balance, on your public image, and you’ve been “cancelled” already in the past, it’s a lot of pressure. It wasn’t worth it.

I’m a little bummed out my writing isn’t what it used to be. I used to be one hell of a writer in college, crank out pages at a time, but that’s what I get for focusing on comics so long. RP instilled bad habits too.

Recently with this fic, even though it was just meant to be fun, I’ve already had some folks saying ehhhhh stuff. It’s got me down, not gonna lie. I think I’m done trying to keep a tough face about it. It’s made it hard to write my third chapter. I’m stumbling through a couple hundred words at a time, if that.

The comments just keep coming back to me, in my head, every time I go to write.

I’m glad to hear you liked it though. It’s not my best, but I am enjoying the story. The feeling behind it, anyway, no matter how clunky, OOC, grammatically incorrect, repetitive, or whatever the delivery is.

It’s just, damnit man, lol—can’t the damn thing be out for 5 minutes before the critiques roll in? I can’t catch a break. Maybe I’m overly sensitive, but I’m so fucking frustrated. But, yeah. Thanks again for taking the time to say something, it’s nice to hear and kicks me in the ass a little to keep my chin up.

It’s just tough to do when it’s been so freaking long of just nonstop BS, and even when I’ve been away from it for over a year now, it’s still left some pretty bad habits and unhealthy work-ethic regarding art and writing.

I can hammer out art like you wouldn’t believe, in a professional manner, but damn did it come at the price of my own joy and creativity. I’m trying to get that back. It is coming back, slowly, in the form of a kinda roughly written fic. I know that as I write it more, it’ll get better, until I’m back where I was. Hopefully.

[the-council-of-new-york-vampires]

OOC: Hey friend, it's rocket-scientist, just saying bye. Someone has threatened to kill me, faked evidence against me to prove I've "harassed and threatened PB writers" and of course, people believed her. Now the whole Tumblr is against me, even people I used to consider friends. Good luck with your blog and fics, your plots are way more awesome than anything PB ever wrote.

Out of Character:

…

So, I wake up today, find this message, check the tag and conclude: What the fucking hell?

Rocket-scientist was one of my Tumblr friends, not a close but a more casual one, and people actually pushed her to delete. That is nasty.

Now, I don’t know what exactly happened, but I assume that she commented on PB’s new Friday book, demanding to know what this’ll mean for BB, since it was a Friday book as well. As the only one who doubted the return of BB publicly, she had been receiving hate for who knows how long, and now it apparently escalated. There are numerous posts in the tag, some more and some less educated, some more and some less disrespectful.

Why the hell would she harass and threaten writers? Stop portraying PB as gods, because they aren’t. Are they good writers? Of course. Are they creative? No doubt. Do we like Choices? Well, obviously! But that doesn’t make them good people. Rocket isn’t the only one who has negative experiences with PB. A friend of mine has, too, and I have myself. Stop praising them like gods. They are story liners who are getting paid, and who do a great job, creating fascinating stories of good quality. But good stories don’t make good people.

Rocket herself has been told in October by one of the writers that they never planned to write BB 2. Believe that or not, that’s on you. But don’t send people hate, neither publicly nor on anon mode, for making their opinion clear. I understand that many people found it annoying, because she used every opportunity to state it, but, unlike any other BB stan, she at least fought for what she wanted, and made it clear that there was a demand, that many fans would gladly invest in BB.

Rocket had clear reasons to believe BB 2 isn’t being written and she was free to state them. The fandom is diverse enough for dissidents to ignore what they don’t like. How many angry posts and jokes about Vega have I ignored? How many Adrian fanfics am I ignoring to this day? It may be annoying at times, but it doesn’t give me the right to shit on the people who request and write Adrian fanfics just because I don’t want to read them. In the same way, people who stan villains don’t want to be shit on either.

I am mentioning the post of @yall-play-it-cool right here, because I got mentioned in theirs (thank you for appreciating my work, it means a lot!). I agree with its core, but I’d like to bring attention to the fact that some people have no idea how much a story or character can influence a person’s life. I can’t stress this enough. Most people in the fandom have a character they love in every book, but that’s not the case for everyone. For example, Rocket and I only love one character from one book, and that, to an extreme amount. Apparently, people can’t understand that and say shit like “It’s only an app, lmao”. No. It’s more than that to some of us.

I definitely didn’t know Rocket very well, but I believe one hundred per cent that BB helped her manage her depression. The fact that some people ridicule that is nasty. I’m truly sorry for whoever doesn’t have enough empathy to put themselves into her shoes and to understand that BB’s absence has a significant impact on her well-being. I have no idea in what way Rocket has apparently “harassed” or “threatened” any writers, but the way I know her, she wouldn’t do that and I believe her when she says it’s fake.

Some posts in the tag regarding the issue are so damaging, created by people who didn’t know her and had no idea about the entire issue, but who are apparently only here to shit on anyone whose opinions are negative or different. Most of them are parrots who repeated what once has been said; that BB 2 is coming and that it should rather take a long time and be good than be rushed and crappy. These parrots repeated their shit every time Rocket spoke up even now that she has deleted, while none of them know better than her. She used her voice to make a change while they used theirs to silence her.

Worse than those people who know nothing and solely repeat what they picked up somewhere is that “””poem””” about someone asking for BB 2 and being told to die. What the fuck??? Do you have any idea what impact your words have on people??? I’m not tagging the creator, because they way I know her, she’s a nice person, and I don’t want to start drama on this blog. However, my advice is to delete it, because it’s obviously harmful as hell. People with a big reach can apparently post anything and a mass of people will support them and blindly share their opinions. This is not okay.

In any case, the damage has been done. It’s sad to see that someone who was solely repeating an opinion rather than others who are admiring PB blindly was bullied to the point of deleting. She’s considered deleting her account before, but I never thought it’d actually escalate the way it did. Not only is it sad because she was a very passionate Kamilah stan and a great writer, but it is sad on a humane level, because someone who already had depression was bullied out of a community that was supposed to be accepting, solely for repeating an opinion. I have no way to contact Rocket, but I’m praying she’s okay.

Everyone who contributed to this should be ashamed of themselves. You might have bullied someone into suicide.

[free--therapy]

hi and thank you for answering again. also for sharing the resources list. I've been reading your posts about rumination and it's been helping me a lot too! I realized that I've been using rumination as a means of feeling control too by endlessly trying to figure out the whys of my past actions and it temporarily keeps the helplessness at bay.

It's like I'm scared that if I don't ruminate and let those memories be, I'll convince myself that I really deserve to die for my actions. So in an attempt to fight that anxiety about me getting suicidal in the future, I avoid doingsthose things that triggers those thoughts in the present (which unfortunately includes all happy activities) so its very unhealthy.

Similarly, the idea of thinking and doing something nice like "let's have a cup of coffee" or "let's take a walk" or "let's do some college work" or "let's rest" to feel better also brings in the bad memories and makes me question if I deserve to do or enjoy those little things after doing wrong things as I've mentioned before. And since those bad memories come in much stronger when I try to feel better by doing happier things, it makes me feel guilty and helpless. So to avoid those extreme feelings of guilt and helplessness, I end up avoiding doing fun or happy activities too. It's like

try to do something fun to feel better = overwhelming guilt, helplessness and anxiety that I'll convince myself that I don't deserve these things, and so,

avoid doing those activities = still a bit of guilt but at least I feel like I'm not being selfish by being happy despite my past actions

that's kinda how it goes lol it's contradicting

It also applies to whatever bad happens to me. I think that I can't or shouldn't speak up when something bad happens to me because I don't deserve to be sad over those because I've done things that have made others sad too. As in when I see quotes like "you by default deserve to rest, you don't have to earn it" my mind goes "but what if I've done so many mistakes. Is that still enough of a reason?"

It's like I just need to take that step to stop thinking so much about "if i deserve or not" everytime I try to do things and just get to doing them. Instead of being scared of doing healthy activities thinking doing them will make me feel worse about myself, I just need to start doing. I've convinced myself that I'm the worst person but when I think rationally sometimes, I can realise that's such a silly thought because there are literally billions of people in this world and I'm only comparing myself to the "most kind and nice" people I see on social media. I'm gonna tell myself I deserve it all (definitely sounds very selfish) whenever I question it and get to doing what I want instead of thinking if I should.

I'm allowed to feel better by helping myself then be it by taking rest, crying and grieving this state of anxiety, hanging out, taking care of myself, studying, working, indulging in happier things- I'm allowed to do all those things and without guilt or fear because I deserve them like any other human. My past actions don't have to make me give up on working towards my present or my future. My mental health isn't the best now so I'm reacting to these  thoughts and bad memories differently that's all. It's okay to let go. Just gonna repeat all of that till I start believing it.

Thank you 💗

Hey Anon,

You will have to learn to fight those feelings of guilt for wanting to experience joy. I know that feeling good or doing good things feels like something you believe you should feel like you deserve first, but trust me, you do! You don't need any reason for it either. It's by default, yes. You deserve to take breaks and do things that you consider to be fun and enjoyable because the more you start doing them, the better you'll feel. There's no need to feel shame or guilt for taking time for yourself. It's not unhealthy selfishness whatsoever. It's healthy and necessary to start doing fun things for you and to convince yourself that you deserve them. You have to stop punishing yourself for being human like everyone else. Just because someone is able to enjoy themselves doesn't mean they haven't made mistakes before or done dumb things. We all have. Zero exceptions. You'll feel worse for betraying yourself for not letting yourself have fun like you did when you were a kid than trying to suppress those emotions and positivity. You have to be the one to give yourself that permission and you are the one that has to learn how to stop caring what other people may think of you or letting that keep you from being who you truly are.

The more I go through my journey, the more I realize that true happiness and joy is found in returning to who we were when we were kids. We're all kids at heart and some of us have been so overly programmed by society to make us feel like our childselves are not allowed, that we become to cold and hardened. Something inside of us knows that something about the things we were taught is not right and that we have to return back to who we were as kids. Fun is a huge part of that and we have to fight those voices in our heads that tell us we can't have it or can only have it if we act a certain way, as if it's a reward for good behavior. If we live our lives like that, where we continue to punish ourselves over something that is literally humanly impossible, it's going to drive us all mad. It's not realistic at all and unsustainable.

Yes, you do deserve it all! Be okay with being selfish. I know this is a hard thing to reprogram in your brain because of everything you've been taught as you were growing up, but learning how to put yourself first will save you in the end. The only person who is going to save you is you, so you have to start somewhere. It's okay to look back on things once in a while to grasp the lessons you learned from the mistakes, but remember to focus on the lessons and not the mistakes/disappointments.

And yes, keep telling yourself that you deserve those things because you do. You gotta show yourself that you love yourself and that means learning how to take care of yourself by doing all those things you mentioned. I wish you the best of luck with it all. You got this!! 💖