#nm: mikan song of the day is......

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 25)

Today we'll talk about the second half of the transition arc before we embark on a very long journey that will catapult us towards the end of the manga. Tension will continue to build as the fragile peace established after the Sports Fest continues to wobble.

Eventually, sooner rather than later, things will break, irreparably.

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Chapter Ninety-Three

I’ve been doing a lot of brushing up on seasons and weather to write this essay and, like I said, it’s important that we’re now in the rainy season. Rain can represent a lot of things, but the aspect that stands out to me is dread or foreboding. Rain can often warn of a much more violent storm to come, while also cleansing and watering the plants. This mini arc--a transitional one like the one between the New Year’s Arc and the Sports Fest--is cleansing. It gives Mikan a much needed break from incessant dangers at every turn, if only for a moment. Breaks like this act as a rest, allowing both Mikan and the reader to settle down before beginning a new arc. But this isn’t just a break before we continue. Just like in the last transitional arc, we gain a lot of information and character/relationship in these chapters that we will need moving forward. 

In any case, we are in a foreboding period right now. Mikan’s newly discovered stealing alice creates a taut wire of tension. You can imagine this arc as a long line of dominos and we’re all just waiting for the first one to be toppled over. Once it is, everything else will follow. It’s hard to imagine that we’re barely halfway through. We’re ramping up to the beginning of the end, because the next couple arcs are long and emotionally devastating. This transition is necessary, both as calm before the storm and a threat that things will get rough soon.

Mikan’s encounter with Narumi has left her physically and emotionally drained so she was resting for three days. Her classmates were worried about her, but she’s all perked up now, having taken a well-earned break. 

If I can choose a panel with Natsume in it, then I will.

Again, Mikan has been told to keep her alice a secret, and that provides extra tension as we wait for the other shoe to drop and for the wrong person to discover she has the stealing alice. It’s inevitable, and once it happens, nothing will be the same. Thus we must relish this time we have now, where things are messed up and fragile, but at least they’re not broken yet.

Mikan doesn’t understand why she has to keep her alice a secret, but she obeys anyway, trusting Narumi that he has a reason for requesting that, and of course because her intuition is always right and because she has a bad feeling about what’s to come. I’m sure the rain isn’t helping.

As she’s walking with her friends, Mikan accidentally steps on Bear’s sopping wet body. They all take him inside and dry him off, but he seems tired and unhappy, or at least more unhappy than usual. He has apparently been spending his time outside the hospital, since Kaname’s condition has recently worsened. Kaname might not survive to see the winter and Bear can feel it, but, unable to enter the hospital, he stands outside in the rain, if only to be close to him.

;-;

But Bear isn’t simply waiting. He’s--essentially--committing passive suicide, hoping to get so weak that his soul returns to Kaname, in the hopes that it might make him stronger or even recover. Mikan is touched by this devotion--as I’m sure we all are--but that seems to be the end of it.

Until Mikan realizes that Bear is stalking her. He follows her all around campus, incessantly, and she is starting to get freaked out. Koko is able to read Bear’s mind: Does Mikan have the stealing alice? Because Bear wants his soul to be extracted and then returned to Kaname.

But Mikan was supposed to be keeping that a secret! So she takes Bear and escapes the class to talk to him more privately. She refuses his request but then he presents her with offerings, so she refuses even harder. Bear isn’t happy about this, but Mikan won’t be budged on the matter.

Bear's like "So what I'm hearing is you want a bigger bribe?"

However, she’s become the subject of rumors. The campus is alight with gossip about Mikan, who has the stealing alice. If someone were to prove she has the stealing alice, they would allegedly get an upgrade in star rank. Thus, there’s some pretty avid takers on that deal who decide to pursue Mikan, chasing her around the school. She is rescued by Bear, who unfortunately gets ripped up in the process. 

Mikan is confronted with the potential loss of someone she cares about back to back to back in this arc, huh? It just never ends. She’s horrified to think Bear might actually be dead, even if that’s what he had wanted. She carefully sews him back up, intent on not losing him, and takes him to Kaname in order to apologize for inadvertently causing his favorite creation’s demise. 

Kaname is happy that tears were shed on Bear’s account, but he points out that Bear is completely fine. He was just embarrassed to have been treated with so much gentleness and care. He is able to understand now that Kaname needs Bear to keep living, so he can live in his place. It’s a nice, heartwarming conclusion, and it reminds me of the last Kaname + Bear chapter, where Mikan took Kaname’s words about Bear to heart as being perhaps how her parents feel about her. 

I think there’s parallels to be drawn here as well. Mikan’s parents wouldn’t want her to be despairing and miserable not to have them--they would want her to live her own life and be as happy as she can be. It’s an important thought to keep in mind as the next arc draws closer. Mikan will have to contend with a lot of losses at once, and soft messages like Kaname’s will be needed in order to survive the emotional ordeal that is sure to come.

This page makes me SOB.

In the meantime, though, Mikan is delighted to find that Bear is content to sit in her lap now and no longer has violent urges towards her. He’s her newest friend.

God I am INCAPABLE of reading this chapter without crying. It’s so cute. I’m crying right this very second.

Anyway.

Chapter Ninety-Four

This chapter’s focus is on Hotaru and her brother, but there’s plenty of Mikan as well. It is officially summer now. Spring has passed and a new season means a new arc is incoming. But for now, the kids are going swimming! Mikan is excited to spend time with her friends in the pool, but Hotaru is glum. Turns out Hotaru--the genius know-it-all--doesn’t know how to swim. Mikan is surprised, both by the fact that Hotaru had kept yet another secret from her, and by the fact that Hotaru isn’t simply lacking in swimming knowledge--she’s horrible at it.

Hotaru is bad at swimming. Natsume is bad at musical instruments, particularly his favorite one, the sax. Mikan is bad at (albeit passionate about) lots of stuff, including cooking, studying, and admitting that she’s in love (though this one she doesn't even bother with). Ruka’s so far the closest thing to perfect in that group: he has athletic skill, some degree of academic success, his mochi was a hit, he’s a great performer, he’s cute, he’s kind… He really is perfect.

Anyway. Mikan is let down that her little fantasy of swimming with Hotaru won’t come true. Hotaru needs to practice with her brother. After all, this is for class. While moping, Mikan spots Natsume, who is sitting at the edge of the pool, still wearing his shirt. She guesses that he must not be feeling well. She’s not given the chance to think much more about it, but I’m sure the encounter from Kaname is fresh in her mind. Natsume swore he wasn’t going anywhere, but maybe his condition is worsening too. 

Her eyes land on him even all the way across the pool.

The mood is dropped even lower when Tsubasa asks her about the stealing alice rumors he’s been hearing about. Kids start whispering about her and this swimming class is turning out to be way more of a bummer than she’d dreamed--Until Ruka splashes her with water, laughing at her surprised expression. He invites her to play water polo with the other kids, and finally Mikan is able to have fun.

Lots of Mikan’s loved ones approach cheering her up in different ways. Natsume has his way, Hotaru has hers, and Ruka shares Tsubasa’s method. It’s not enough to just tell someone to smile. Tsubasa has a very healthy way of dealing with Mikan’s feelings and cheering her up. He validates her feelings and then gives her a pep talk to liven her up again. Ruka’s method is similar. He wants Mikan to cheer up, so he changes the subject. He gives her something new and exciting to focus on. If other kids are gossiping or bringing down her mood, then he’ll splash her and give her something fun to think about instead. 

So wholesome ;-;

When swimming class is over, most of the kids head back to the dorms, but Hotaru stays to practice with her brother some more. (One day, I’ll write an essay dedicated to the Imai siblings… One day…)

But Mikan waited for Hotaru to finish her class, ready with an umbrella so that Hotaru wouldn’t have to walk home alone in the rain. She’d originally brought two but lent one to Bear so he wouldn’t get wet and weak again like he did last chapter. It’s such a sweet gesture, what she’s willing to do for Bear and her best friend. She’s thoughtful and considerate of other people, even though she’s going through a tough time herself. Hotaru dismisses her own foldable umbrella in favor of sharing with Mikan. And it’s lovely moments like this, where both Mikan and Hotaru can laugh together, having fun side by side, that makes the times ahead that much harder. 

I will talk about Hotaru’s POV for just one moment, because I like the symmetry (which correlates to the sloppy and forced symmetry that I hate so much in the last chapters). Hotaru knows that she might have to “leave” soon, in whatever capacity that means. Luna threatened Mikan (or rather, Hotaru in Mikan’s body) that she’d lose someone important to her, like Hotaru, so she knows what’s in her future. Last time Hotaru was aware that she’d be leaving Mikan, she kept it a secret just like this. But her intention was to make Mikan so angry that she’d forget about her. It’s a similar tactic that she describes Subaru using in his lack of letters to their family. She understands him because the temptation is here for her too, to be cold to Mikan to make the inevitable pain lessened somewhat. But Hotaru isn’t doing that this time. This time, she’s treasuring the time she has with Mikan, refusing to take it for granted. So they can walk in the rain under one umbrella and she can laugh openly with her best friend because times like these won’t last forever, so why waste them?

Like I said last time, this arc is my favorite for the two of them. So sweet!

It’s a sweet theme to have in this chapter. This one and the speech from Kaname in the last chapter are crucial, even if they seem like one-off stories. The sentiments behind them are still important, because they’ll guide the way Mikan makes her choices and copes with her traumas in the future.

Chapter Ninety-Five

Technically this is the beginning chapter for the next arc, but to me it feels like a transition to wrap up the transition, so I'm including it here, especially since that's the way I had formatted Natsume's corresponding essay too.

This chapter starts with instant drama that only escalates, only through a dream. Last chapter, Hotaru alluded to having to leave soon, and now we see the next stage of that: she is called to the ESP’s office out of the blue. This is unusual to her classmates, especially to Mikan, since the ESP is definitely not good news, and when Mikan says a storm seems to be starting, it’s understandable why she might get that feeling. She also remarks that confronting that storm isn’t easy, and Mikan would know, wouldn’t she?

Mikan doesn’t like focusing on difficult subjects. Just like she refuses to admit her love for Natsume or his likely alice shape, and just like she refrains from sharing vulnerable thoughts about her parents or what the school might have in store for her, she is also hesitant to accept that things are about to change. 

But she swears she will be strong, and won’t look away this time. She’s ready to face the storm.

How interesting that the chapter's narration begins and ends in Mikan's room, morning and night. How fun! Also MIkan is so cute here!

Good news--that was all just a bad dream! Except it wasn’t.

Again, even though she wants to face the hard stuff, it’s much harder than just summoning resolve. I think that’s why we have the short-lived moment of Mikan brushing it off as a dream. If it’s all a dream, then she doesn’t have to worry about the imminent stress. Though she should confront conflict, and she knows that, it would be better if there was nothing to worry about.

Alas.

Even though Mikan was absent and didn’t really witness Hotaru being called to the ESP’s office, she really had been, though Hotaru dismisses it as no big deal (a lie). So, turns out there really is something to worry about.

And it gets worse.

Apparently, there’s also a rumor in the middle school division (when isn’t there?) that a DA mission didn’t go so well and that one of the students went missing--Tsubasa, allegedly. 

This shakes Mikan to her core. 

Throughout the story, we’ve seen Tsubasa act as one of Mikan’s pillars. He is always reliable, always kind, always helpful. Mikan can always count on him to be supportive and to comfort her. I’ve said before that Tsubasa’s method of handling Mikan’s emotions is perhaps one of the more gentle and compassionate--validating her feelings before offering solutions or distractions. He plays the role of an older brother and she loves him very much. This rumor is devastating.

DUN DUN DUN.

One, since when was Tsubasa in the DA class??? That’s entirely out of left field and a shocking development on its own. Then there’s the terrifying prospect that he went on a dangerous mission and might have gotten hurt. And then even worse--not only did he go on a dangerous mission, but he is now missing and is probably in serious trouble. 

That’s a lot to take in right away, and it seems like the bad feeling she got with her dream--that things are about to get really bad--was entirely appropriate. 

This is the beginning of a new arc. I’m really not sure what people refer to this arc as. I’ve seen it called the Escape Arc, the Rebellion Arc, the War Arc, the High School Division Arc. I don’t know. I don’t really have a name for it. In my head it’s just a really long period of time where a bunch of stuff happens all in one day. Because that’s pretty much it. A very long arc but it’s just one day. Maybe it should be called Mikan’s Really Bad Day Arc? Because it is a bad day for her (well, that all happens tomorrow actually--so maybe Mikan’s Two Really Bad Days?).

In any case, the beginning chapters of a new arc are pretty important, as I’ve discussed before. The beginnings of an arc (transition arcs don’t count) reveal some themes that we should pay attention to in the future. One is Mikan’s feeling of quick escalation and that things are going to turn very sour very soon. When a character has a feeling like this, always listen to them. Things will get bad. Very bad. In a very short period of time. 

Another theme we see right away is the potential for loss. Already, Tsubasa is in huge danger and his fate is uncertain. Mikan is now forced to deal with the fact that she might not see a loved one again. This feeling of loss will haunt her for the rest of the arc, through her parents, friends, and Natsume. This arc is long so it can be hard to trace specific themes, since so much happens, but if something comes up quite a bit, then it’s worth noting.

It’s also summer. What did we say about summer at the start of this essay, when Mikan was running away from home to find Hotaru again? 

“Summer is symbolic of love, passion, and liberty, of exploration and burgeoning adulthood.”

Last summer, Mikan took a huge risk and ran away from home on a vast adventure, determined to be able to sacrifice something, to be mature like Hotaru. She wasn’t really there yet, though. Sacrificing things isn’t easy. We discussed then that Mikan didn’t really sacrifice anything when she ran away to Alice Academy. Or, at least, not knowingly. She sacrificed her grandfather’s money, then his worry and concern. Then she involved two friends in a dangerous game without thinking about the consequences. You could think of last summer as a false start. Mikan decided what she wanted from herself, but wasn’t quite ready to be that yet. 

This summer is different. We will see Mikan make plenty of sacrifices and hard decisions, and how that reflects into a premature “adulthood.” Additionally, exploration will play a role as Mikan opens herself up to her mother’s experiences and has to confront her prejudices. And we will also see the climax of the “love” question that has been haunting this manga from the beginning--Mikan has so many love interests, so who will she choose? We are in for quite a feast.

In any case, back to the bitterness.

Your friends are here to comfort you, Mikan. Your lack of tears isn't impressing anybody.

Tsubasa is missing! And Mikan is shocked. Natsume, who was apparently on the same mission, has returned to the academy but nobody’s seen him yet (so how do they even know he’s back?), so there’s no way of knowing for sure if the rumor has any weight to it. It doesn’t matter--just the rumor alone is enough to upset Mikan. 

She spends some time with her friends, who all attempt to comfort her off-page. We see her again when the gang is leaving, with Misaki-senpai assuring her that none of this is her fault and that Tsubasa will be fine. That’s an important point to make: that it’s not her fault. Mikan likely is blaming herself. They all knew they’d face consequences for the New Year’s debacle. The problem is that when Mikan started having her conflict with Luna, she assumed she was the only one getting punished. Then the idea struck that maybe Natsume is being punished too, in his own way. Now the truth is starting to reveal itself--Hotaru was called to the ESP’s office and Tsubasa was forced into the DA class and is now missing. She was never the only one being punished. 

So even one of her most courageous moments, risking her life for Natsume’s happiness and protecting her friends, ended up putting her loved ones in a bad position. How could she not blame herself, being the person she is? So Misaki assuring her that Tsubasa’s situation has nothing to do with her is important… though whether or not Mikan listens is another matter.

Her friends all leave her alone and although Mikan looks visibly upset saying goodbye to them, her usual smile wiped from her face and seated on the floor by her bed, it’s only when they leave that she starts to cry, when it’s night already, many long hours after hearing the news at breakfast.

We’ve seen this side of Mikan pretty often already, that she doesn’t like to let others see her crying face, that she feels ashamed of herself for crying or being sad when she should always be happy and smiling. It’s her job to see the bright side, and yet now she’s in a rough spot where there doesn’t seem to be much of a bright side. Mikan only cries when she’s alone and she doesn’t like to talk about her problems, not to her friends and not to us and not even with herself. 

She’s upset and sad, and though Tsubasa, who is so spectacular at comforting her, would be a great person to turn to right now, he’s the one she’s crying about. She takes his absence pretty hard because of that, because he’d be the perfect person to rely on right now, and yet…

So she cries, alone in her room, after probably holding in the tears all day. She’s finally letting herself feel the sadness she hid from the others.

And then there’s Natsume, opening her window and perching on the sill, looking like hell. He’s visibly disheveled, bruised and cut up, but for some reason, he’s halfway inside her room.

It's so hard to pick images because I like every panel in this scene.

It’s an important reminder, I think, to point out that Mikan hasn’t spoken to Natsume very much since before the Sports Festival. They had their little hand-holding moment during the soul shuffle debacle, but that was just one moment. They haven’t really talked since. On top of that, he’s been missing from school, apparently on a mission for the DA class. Thus, seeing him now would be a surprise. 

There is so much they haven’t talked about: the events with Luna, the Borrowing Race, his alleged feelings for her, her feelings for him that she probably won’t admit to, his alice, why he’s been so distant. There’s a lot and that’s probably why they haven’t talked much. There’s too much they’d need to cover and it’s all daunting. And Natsume didn’t make it easy, either, since he’s been purposefully isolating himself. 

But here he is anyway, right outside her window (hopeless romantic that he is), right at the moment she needs him most. So she rushes over to him and asks him where he’s been and why he’s all roughed up. Natsume has been missing too, of course, and because he’s in such bad shape, it makes sense she’d be worried. But her first words are about him and what he’s been through, not to talk about her own experiences.

And of course, she says “everyone was worried about you,” which is just her way of communicating her own concern and worry without putting herself too much on the line. I think it’s pretty much habit at this point, to hide behind the group. She never really felt safe being open with him, but especially not now after being shut down the one time she let herself be. Though this moment does have her hiding, it also shifts things towards honesty, and that’s because of him. Natsume has to make the first move in that direction, to let her know she can too. Though they both do it halfway, it’s still an important shift.

He shuts her down, ignoring her questions and telling her he wasn’t planning on seeing anybody until he’d safely retrieved Tsubasa. But, he had a feeling she was crying alone, so “for some reason,” he came to her room. He is honest about his care, but he’s not being entirely open either. “For some reason,” he came to see her, so she knows that he went against his instincts to check on her, without actually saying those exact words. He’s halfway honest, just enough to communicate his feelings passively, and that gives Mikan all the permission she needs to do the same.

On top of that, Mikan can see that Natsume recognizes her tendency to hide her sadness until she’s alone. She has lots of friends, but she’s been keeping her negative feelings to herself more and more, and even though they haven’t talked much lately, he still notices these things about her. She knows for a fact now that he’s been thinking of her, and that he was just as worried as she was about him. 

We immediately transition into the next moment, where Takahashi calls from outside Mikan’s room to tell her it’s time for bed. There’s no answer, but Mikan isn’t asleep--she and Natsume are hugging against the wall. 

One of the best NatsuMikan scenes. I think we all agree.

This is not the first time Natsume’s put his arms around Mikan, but there’s always been a pretense behind it--to tease her, or behind a mask. Mikan has tackled him to stop his alice or protect him, but she’s never hugged him like this. This moment is so important because even though they’re not talking about all the looming issues between them, it’s a moment of nonverbal honesty. She wants comfort and he gives it without pretense. They both have laid their cards out for the other to see, more or less, just without the words. 

This is a big deal! 

Natsume aside, though this is a big moment for him too, Mikan being so upfront--even without the words--is huge for her. She is, as we’ve discussed to death, pretty closed off about her feelings, refusing to acknowledge them even to herself. She is in such a state of despair at the possibility that Tsubasa is in danger that she is willing to put aside her fear (to an extent) and seek comfort from Natsume.

In Chapter 50, when Mikan needed comfort after her run-in with the ESP, she was hesitant to settle for Natsume, who did not seem like the most comforting guy. Since then, however, Mikan has found a lot of solace in Natsume. Even if she doesn’t necessarily seek him out to make her feel better, he always does anyway. But after the Sports Festival, when he had--albeit against his will--brought her pain instead of taking it away, or when he had rejected her when she finally tells him what she wants, the fact that Mikan can seek comfort from him is monumental. No, he’s no Tsubasa or Ruka, who seem more gentle or compassionate on the surface. But Natsume is still gentle and compassionate here. There’s not much he can say to comfort her, so he comforts her physically (as we know he is prone to do), hugging her and being a shoulder for her to cry on.

And she lets her walls down too. If he can be honest, that he came here to see her, then so can she. And she can cry in front of him, even though she didn’t let herself around the others. Honesty begets honesty or something.

Ultimate reciprocity.

And when he tells her not to cry, she tells him that she has to, for his sake, because she’s crying for him too. She can recognize that he’s struggling and suffering too, and this is her way of letting him know that she’s been noticing him too. Just like she hides her sadness away until she’s alone, she knows that Natsume’s the type to hold it all inside, to never let it out. In fact, she thinks to herself, he’s more likely than her to keep it inside, no matter how upset or tired he gets. He came here to seek comfort just as much as he did to give her some. 

She doesn’t say that last part, but, again, she doesn’t have to. The little that they do say is enough for now. This is both of them giving to and taking from each other, without pretense, for the first time. Entirely reciprocal, entirely--if nonverbally--honest.

But the hug must eventually end. Natsume has a mission to finish and the only way to truly make her happy again is to bring back Tsubasa. He tells her so, by promising to find her senpai and jumping out the window.

“And about you too,” he says--again suggesting without outright saying it that he knows what she’s been going through with her stealing alice. He knows that it’s not just Tsubasa but everything that she’s been struggling with. And he will help her. He’ll fix her problems.

Blah blah blah something intelligent about the Natsume's back motif.

She doesn’t say anything, but she watches him leave, because she always watches him leave.

Conclusion

We're officially done with the transition arc and have started the Mikan's Two Really Bad Days Arc. Let's see how many parts it takes me until we reach the next arc! Who can say.

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[cheeryfairygender]

Oh, that's so swag about sharing a b-day with Nagisa! /gen /pos That's neat tbh /gen

In terms of Vocaloid/UTAUloid recommendations, I've currently been listening to Pyrite Girl and What Gave It Away, both songs made by R.I.P. (with Pyrite Girl originally sung by Kagamine Rin, and What Gave It Away originally sung by Otomachi Una) on loop. Oh, and if you ever wanna listen to some good Kasane Teto covers (and I genuinely mean good /gen), look no further than Tanjiro Taidana and their covers. They're an amazing ass UTAUloid song artist/tuner, and while they primarily use Teto, they also occasionally use other UTAUloids and even Vocaloids.

Yeah, buffalo wings can be spicy, heh. In terms of wings or the sauce of whatever food item, there's usually a mild option, a medium option, a hot option, and so forth (sometimes). Depending on that, they can be spicy. However, I have a tolerance with spicy food, as well as a huge love for spicy food, so I'm a bit bias in terms of if a certain food is spicy or not /lh However, I completely respect you not tending to not like spicy food! /gen /nm I get that it's not everyone's cup of tea.

Yeah, I can definitely understand your opinion on the artstyle. Looking at the examples you provided, it honestly makes complete sense /gen (not /s). And considering I've completed DRV3, yeah, it's kind of unique compared to the other two [main] games /neu

Oh, and as for the air fryer thing you mentioned in the tags, you can usually figure out how to use it+how to airfry certain things by looking it up! Just type in Google if you can airfry XYZ food, and it'll usually give the suggested temperature and time. I'm sure you can airfry sweet potato fries, as you can airfry regular French fries (whether they're frozen or from a fast food place)! /gen /nf I feel that sounds dumb and easier said than done, but if it makes you feel better, I didn't know how to use it at first for quite awhile /gen /lh (not /s)

Oh oh, and don't worry about not adding reply icons! It's all good /lh /gen /nm

TBH I want to like spicy food but it's a sensory issue for me because I can't tolerate the pain very well, and I don't like a lot of flavors of the actual food that has spice. But oddly enough, I like Japanese style curry. It's super good. Apparently as a little kid I liked spicy food though which makes it super weird I grew out of it. I really like sour food, though! I think the issue is that spice stays in your mouth even after eating, but sour goes away super fast (unless you injure your mouth/tongue from too much/too strong sour food).

I just generally don't like things with strong flavors...like, I don't even like how black pepper tastes. I tend to eat...bread. And sweet baked products. I usually just eat a lot of samefoods but my sister is an incredible cook so I eat whatever she makes when she cooks! Otherwise I just kinda graze on snacks.

Also I listened to the music and it's super interesting /positive, I like finding smaller vocal synth artists! Also yes yes I've heard Tanjiro before and he's GREAT at utauloid tuning. I feel like utauloids are often tuned better than vocaloids nowadays because you have to put in more effort to get them to sound good and it's easier to just put less work in for vocaloid.

Airfryers are just super intimidating IG I think we got ours for free from someone who didn't need it??

Also to make it clear I don't like...dislike v3? It's a cool game, it just doesn't satisfy the itch the first two games give me, which honestly makes sense. The original Danganronpa series ended on purpose--they reached a good end for it. V3 is kinda like a new beginning so you can't go into it wanting what the original series had. I feel like the graphics/art style for Danganronpa didn't age well with time. For the original games, it made a lot more sense considering when they came out and the consoles they were released on, but that kinda sloppy, eccentric style doesn't transfer well when there's a higher production value like v3 has I think.

I think the WEIRDEST thing is how...much worse the games got in terms of jokes/content. Like, the things about incest and any homophobia got way worse. Kaito says slurs against gay men/trans women in the Japanese version more than once, I think.

In SDR2, most characters are implied to be bi and wlw or mlm. There's less in DRTHH, but they're still there. The original games write queer characters subtly but in a very good way. You still have this subtle writing for v3 but they completely upped the explicit jokes to the point it isn't silly or funny...just uncomfortable. (Mikan, Teruteru, Kazuichi, Nagito, Hajime, Imposter, and Nekomaru are all implied to be queer off the top of my head. Makoto, Mondo, Taka, Chihiro, Hifumi, Mukuro, Junko, and Leon are all implied to be queer iirc as well.) Like with Leon in DRTHH, his cousin has romantic feelings for him, but he makes it SUPER clear he hates it and it makes him super uncomfortable. But then I think v3 just has straight up incest with the monokubs? I'm not sure if the other characters reacted uncomfortably to it or not, though. But just...the way the characters talk/the jokes they make totally changed. It's super odd to me. It really takes me out of it and it

I guess my main issue is the shift in how the characters act, less context for the behavior of the characters (like, DRTHH extends into SDR2, and vice versa. Each game lends into each other), transferal/execution of the Danganronpa style, as well as the user interface. The user interface is super busy and confusing for me.

Also, the characters are intense like usual but in a super weird way. Like...negatively? In DRTHH, they were all extreme in a way normal teens could be. Instead, they feel like...superheroes. Like, their whole talents are pushed too hard. In SDR2, they were still extreme but in an, again, rather normal way.

I just seriously love the characters though. I think it's a good game, but you can't play it and expect an experience like the original series. You can only really play it and do your best to not compare it at all.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 40)

Hey! I played Just Dance with Zoe and then decided I was just gonna post this last part because I don't want it hanging over me. It's July and I just exercised and it's really friggin' hot and I'm sweating but I'm gonna post this so I don't forget tomorrow.

That's right, folks! Just one more part in the forty part essay special by yours truly about everyone's favorite shoujo manga couple (I speak for everyone on the planet, yes)!

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Kageki no Kuni no Alice Chapter Four

Kageki is a step-up from the last few chapters because… well, because I get to pretend like those chapters just didn’t happen. There’s a lot I don’t like about Kageki, but I like the NatsuMikan, which there is a fair amount of! And that’s what I’ll be discussing today. Hopefully that’ll lighten the mood from last time. Though! I don't have much new to say that I didn't already say in Natsume's version. I'll do my best so we can end on a high note!

Natsume and Mikan are at the Opera School in order to visit Aoi, because they do everything together. But Natsume is also being ridiculously cold to one of Aoi’s classmates, Tsubasa’s sister, for no real reason. So Mikan and Aoi both scold him for being mean. Mikan apologizes for Natsume’s sake and we get a glimpse of the fact that they both have matching promise rings. 

RINGS!!!! They're gonna get married!!!

This is pretty big because as far as we know, Mikan just got back to the Academy a few weeks ago, and only part of her memories were recovered, but somehow in that time, her romance with Natsume has rekindled enough that she once more wants to get married to him… though this rekindling occurred off-page. Sigh. 

This chapter is presented in a strange way, jumping around in time, starting with a confrontation and then rewinding. I think it’s to introduce Natsume and Mikan right away for fans so they keep reading, but it makes things jumbled up. Natsume is as handsome and popular as ever, and quickly gets the attention of the Opera Troupe girls, but this excitement is dampened by Mikan’s enthusiastic arrival because oh dang he’s taken. 

That's right!

Mikan is excited to meet Hikari, because she loves Tsubasa, and it’s funny to see her speaking for herself and Natsume (because they are an item!), much to his chagrin, loudly proclaiming their joint appreciation for Tsubasa’s care. What I like about that is that Mikan and Natsume are a unit at this point, which is what makes her feel comfortable speaking for his feelings in the first place. “I” becomes “we.”

Hikari grabs onto this, that Mikan knows Tsubasa, and tries to get more information out of her. Mikan is affected by pretty faces, as we know, and Hikari is beautiful (or handsome? Since she’s characterized by a sense of masculinity in this story but honestly I've never read this manga in its entirety so I wouldn't really know), so she gets overwhelmed and Natsume ultimately ruins the mood again by stressing to Hikari that her brother wants her to leave.

I'm so delighted we can get back to NM content that makes me feel something!

Mikan scolds him for being harsh, though he claims he’s just not interested in sugarcoating. Hikari gets depressed and Mikan is again affected, though Natsume doesn’t like that. Then Thoma arrives, and the atmosphere between him and Natsume tenses, which spurs Mikan to ask what their relationship is. It could be simple curiosity or actual jealousy, whichever. If it is jealousy, then it’s interesting to note that the both of them are a little possessive of the other. Mikan certainly doesn’t seem to mind being monopolized by Natsume, but this could suggest she’s monopolizing him too. 

Natsume starts to leave and Mikan rushes after him. That makes me think that she could have been feeling jealousy, but mostly that she is just as intent on spending as much time together as he is. He can’t leave without her when she came to spend time with him! 

They are a married couple, even if they're not married yet.

When they leave, they’re joined by Narumi, who calls Natsume kind and thus gives Mikan a new impression of what he was doing with Hikari. It’s hard to tell with Natsume, honestly, because his kindness and cruelty all look the same. When Natsume confronts Naru by asking if Hikari was dragged into the school for Thoma’s sake, Naru denies it. Then he brings up the manipulative action of scouting Mikan for the Academy, leading to their meeting and falling in love. He turns to Mikan and asks if she thinks that was a mistake, coming to the Academy and meeting everyone.

It's refreshing to go back to "everyone" again, to remember the sheer number of people Mikan loves. Her alice stone was created by the thoughts of many loved ones, after all, not just Natsume, not just Hotaru. There is not just one name written on her heart.

She must no longer hide behind everyone or we... She can initiate affection like this. Isn't that amazing?

She grabs Natsume’s hand and says “Not at all!” looking him straight in the eyes, so he knows she’s telling him, “How could I regret something that brought me to you?” This makes it personal. Yes, she's happy to have met everyone else and they are all dear, but reassuring Natsume means letting him know how much he specifically matters to her. She trusts Narumi because she’s sure he has good intentions. After all, with everything that happened on her side of things, Narumi seems to have only been helpful. This is also a callback to Narumi requesting that Mikan have faith in him, despite his recent betrayal with the letters. Mikan chose to trust him then and never stopped. Natsume seems to cave, because he's weak when it comes to her, but he admonishes Naru for being manipulative.

Natsume then tells Mikan not to hang around Naru or Hikari anymore, just a little taste of what Natsume monopolizing Mikan looks like. He obviously knows that Mikan will not listen to that, but it’s his way of communicating that he dislikes Naru manipulating her or the way she behaved around Hikari. Mikan just says “huh?” though, so his message might not have gone through the way he liked.

Chapter Five

There’s not much I can analyze in Kageki that I didn’t already mention in Natsume’s version because they spend literally all their time together. On top of that, we get little of their perspectives, and mainly see them through Hikari’s eyes. So if this is short or minimal… oops.

Hikari is being stalked and bullied by Bear, and Natsume gets annoyed that she’s not angrier with him. This is a plot thing, but I always think of Mikan and how much I love her rage and how Higuchi ultimately drained her of all of it for the sake of being a smiley girl who makes everyone happy even to her own detriment. To me, he might be saying these words to Hikari, but he’s talking to Mikan too.

We're not just talking about Hikari, are we?

Mikan and Natsume are here as loving parents to pick Bear up from school, and Mikan is more focused on gathering Bear while Natsume is scolding Hikari. When Hikari’s cousin arrives to defend her, claiming that Hikari is just incredibly disciplined with her feelings, Natsume counters that she’s really just repressing them. (SOUNDS LIKE MIKAN!) I don’t think Natsume would be as adamant about this if it didn’t connect to Mikan. Maybe this is something they talk about, or something that will soon become a conversation. In any case, Mikan doesn’t seem to take any of what he’s saying personally, so maybe it’s not getting through to her.

In any case, Natsume goes a little overboard insulting Thoma, who instantly dismisses him by telling him to go home, which he does, but not before setting a fire that Mikan rushes to put out. After that, Mikan rushes after him. Because she has to be wherever he is. It's not just Natsume monopolizing her. It goes both ways.

There’s a big to-do about Hikari and Bear and anger and acting and Tsubasa, which I won’t get into mainly because I don’t really care. All that matters is Natsume using a non-burning fire and Mikan being impressed at the control he has over his alice. Like, "Wow, my boyfriend is so cool!"

Chapter 5.5 Omake

This omake takes place after Natsume was ordered to go home, so he and Mikan are doing just that, hand in hand. Where he goes, she goes, and vice versa. A clingy couple. 

GSHDFJHJKFGHKJDFJFHJFFJFGHSJFGDSHJFHAGSHK Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.

Mikan asks what’s up with Natsume’s behavior with Thoma and Narumi pops out of the blue to explain that Natsume took her absence hard and that he strayed from the right path. Mikan is happy to see Naru; Natsume isn’t. All typical. But Mikan is confused because if Natsume skipped grades, shouldn’t that mean he was a good student and worked hard? And Naru says yes, that he did work hard, but by going on missions (THAT’S A CRIME NARUMI). Mikan is instantly concerned, because she watched him die once before and doesn’t ever want to experience that loss again, so Narumi assures her that none of the missions were at all physically taxing. That doesn’t eliminate her concern, though, until Natsume messes with her a little. 

In any case, Natsume re-enrolled as a high schooler when Mikan returned, so he could capitalize on her new presence. Mikan is excited to see Shiki and Narumi again when they appear, and they offer to show her Natsume’s middle school pics which she is excited to see until Natsume pulls her away, greedily. This chapter further teases Mikan and Natsume's rings, their inevitable wedding. Additionally, we see that there's some conversations yet to be had, particularly about what Natsume has been up to without her. She obviously wants to have these discussions, since she asks questions and then is so eager to see his middle school pictures, but it seems like Natsume is content now to completely leave that era in the past now that he has his girlfriend back.

Chapter Six

Mikan and the SA class are getting ready for the Culture Fest. Natsume complains about the Opera School students coming to visit the Academy campus during such a busy time, but he’s not really doing anything, so it feels unfair for him to say. 

Mikan doesn’t seem to mind that she’s being followed by a leech, and she teases him. She doesn't need him to help. He's just there so they can be together, and if he doesn't contribute anything, then that's fine too, as long as he's around. But the teasing never ends, because they wouldn't be NatsuMikan without it. This is crucial, because their bickering was never a cover-up for anything like it sometimes is for other bickering couples. For them, the bickering was always a relief. For Natsume, he could act immature and childish with someone when he’d been forced into a far more adult role in his life. For Mikan, it’s a way for her to cheer up when she’s feeling down, because bickering with him makes them both happy. The fact that they’re now officially a couple doesn’t eliminate the bickering, it just eliminates the pretense about it.

I'm sniffling...

Chapter 11.5 Omake

This is an outtake chapter surrounding Hikari searching for inspiration for her acting in a kiss scene. Tsubasa can’t help her for some reason, even though he’s in a relationship (inexplicably, his relationship is described as “new,” even though he and Misaki have been dating for like five years at this point). Thus, she must look elsewhere for romantic inspiration. And where better than Natsume and Mikan out and eating floating soft serve ice cream together?

She gets the ice cream all over her face and, since there’s nobody around, he licks it off her. She seems to find that silly and cute and laughs as he does so, though she is blushing. Will Mikan ever stop blushing around Natsume though? I don’t think so. It’s nice though that their affection is so reciprocal now. She doesn’t even freak out, really, which implies that there’s more intimacy to this extent happening away from the reader’s prying eyes. 

This was given to us because Higuchi felt bad about what she made us go through with the wretched final chapters. I appreciate the apology, actually, but I think we all agree we could use some more apologies of this nature.

They’re interrupted and it’s only then that Mikan freaks out, embarrassed to be seen doing something so weird. Very interesting! Maybe they'll work up to PDA status later. Nobody likes a voyeur, which is what the others are right now, but getting spied on while you're kissing is a little different than typical PDA. Who knows!

Conclusion

This is my last NM conclusion as far as I know now. How cute they are in this little spin-off manga! It lifts my spirits. Hopefully, seeing them all cutesy lifted your spirits too.

Anyway, friends, I'm genuinely remorseful that the last few parts of this essay were so negative and bitter. I'm usually not one to linger on those parts of GA. My mind is firmly rooted in various AU endings so I tend to be pretty chill about my feelings, but when I have to specifically address everything, it all comes to the surface and I get a little bitter. I'm really sorry it had to be that way.

In any case, despite the bitterness towards the end, writing this essay was genuinely a blast for me. It was nice to put my feelings about this manga into words.

I started writing this essay on April 12, 2015 (which means I was sixteen at the time). I always knew the exact order I'd write this essay in, because my main motivation in analyzing GA was to present my thesis about Mikan genuinely being in love with Natsume. Back then, I'd seen one too many tumblr posts about Mikan being "obligated" to be with Natsume because he was dying or because of comphet or because Natsume scared her or silly things like that and it pissed me off. Additionally, I was bombarded with people calling Mikan a Mary Sue or disregarding her character. I remember seeing posts like that in the dark ages and thinking, "Did these people even read the manga? Do they even pay attention to Mikan?"

I'd see those posts and roll my eyes. I'd read a grossly OOC Mikan in a fic and sigh exasperatedly. I'd see people disparaging her and I'd disapprove. I'd know deep down that Mikan does love Natsume and that she's much more than people are leading on. I knew they were wrong, but I more or less left it at that.

But then I'd ask myself what exactly it was that they were missing and I'd have to confront the fact that I was thinking based on vibes and "just because" and there's no evidence in that. Was I paying much attention to her either? So one day, probably in between ranting to Zoe, I opened up a Google Doc and decided I'd do the hard work and analyze the whole fucking manga to prove my point. Besides, there was no real analysis for NM out there, so I'd take one for the team and do it. But it wasn't enough to analyze NM. There's too much going on there to leave it to one essay.

After all, most people think of anime scenes when they think of the earlier chapters, and that's not accurate, so I'd have to distinguish between the anime and the manga. But it's not enough to simply distinguish! The anime contains scenes worth discussing, since NM is pretty different there. Thus, the essay had to be divided between manga and anime. But that wasn't enough, either, because analyzing Natsume and Mikan's feelings in one essay was sure to give me a headache, which means this project had to be three parts, and Mikan had to be last. She always had to be last, my grand finale to prove that she was no Mary Sue, that her love for Natsume was built up from the beginning, and that she had depth and growth that should be appreciated.

It is now July 27, 2023 at around 11 PM. I'm now finished.

Altogether, across all three essays, I wrote about 243,240 words about NatsuMikan. Hundreds of pages in my Google Docs. This would be a huge book. And if anyone out there read all of it? You're a damn trooper. I appreciate you so much.

To all my readers, the ones who stuck with me from the beginning, or the ones who find it long after I press post on this last one, the ones who read each word, or the ones who skimmed to the analysis of their favorite scenes, I thank you. To everyone who left a comment, I thank you. To everyone who reached out to tell me their thoughts, I thank you. To @crimsoncitrus for helping me out with plenty of the translations throughout this process, thank you! To @thesightofworms, for being my favorite person to rant to about GA, I very much thank you. And to Higuchi Tachibana, I thank you. I do have beef with some of your choices, but creating manga is no small feat and you wrote 180 chapters for us to consume and I am beyond grateful that you have created something so enduring and important to me, something I have never been able to move on from.

I have loved GA since I was twelve years old and I show no signs of stopping. This is just one labor of love of many to come. I'll never shut up about this manga. Today I finish a very long project that I've had on my mind since I was a teenager. Tomorrow I'll pursue another. I can't imagine I'll ever stop coming up with projects for GA. :)

Took me long enough, but we're done now! I love you all. Have a wonderful day <3

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 10)

I know it's been a while. I've been a little emotionally and physically drained these days. I've been frustrated with myself for not posting. I need this essay to keep up a sense of structure in my void of a life and I've been neglecting it, which is UNACCEPTABLE!

Anyway, we left off with the beginning of the Z Arc. Natsume has been ignoring Mikan and when she finally gathered the courage to confront him about it, he told her he hated everything about her. Today, we will discuss the aftermath of that confrontation. We will also explore Mikan's smiling complex and her story-long desire to become stronger and "useful."

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Chapter Thirty-One

Natsume starts to run first. Mikan and Ruka only follow as an afterthought, but they’re all quickly stopped in their tracks by Hotaru, riding on a goose-invention, who invites Mikan to hop on. This is personal for her: they’re gonna confront the people who stole Yuu’s alice. There’s a moment where the teachers are calling after them, where Yuu protests that they’re supposed to stay inside, and where Natsume stares in shock at this development.

Mikan focuses on him, remembering the cruel thing he just said to her. Though Hotaru’s arrival cheered her up, she’s obviously still hurt by what he said. So instead of listening to Yuu or the teachers, both Hotaru and Mikan basically tell them all to fuck off. 

He thinks he can just be mean and get away with it? No way!

This moment is Mikan’s chance to actually respond to what he said in a meaningful way. She and Hotaru can abscond from the scene, leaving him in their dust, and it’s the best chance she has to communicate how he made her feel. She still doesn’t hate him back, and it still hurts, but hey! He wanted to run after the Z intruders and she actually gets to! Beat that, jerk!

The rest of this chapter is mainly about Hotaru and Mikan. As they fly away, Mikan exclaims that she already feels so much better (presumably after having her feelings crushed by Natsume earlier), and Hotaru explains that the announcement about an “invader” is just a rumor; in fact, a Z member is being escorted onto campus. What she doesn’t know is that two other Z members have invaded campus to retrieve him. 

Mikan tells Hotaru she’s happy that Hotaru is the one most concerned about Yuu, that the girl who is always cool and collected is breaking the rules and acting boldly for a friend. Hotaru explains that Yuu is the “oasis” of Class B, one of the people who keeps her human. We saw before that she was concerned she’d become like her older brother, become twisted and cold because of the nature of the school. We also know that Hotaru was relieved, not just by Mikan’s friendship, but by Yuu’s as well. The trio keeps each other in line. I’d mentioned before that antics like the dodgeball game (and getting Class B to get along in general) work because all three of them are involved. Mikan might be the outgoing one, but Yuu has been working desperately to have Class B come together for years. He’s kind too, and reasonable, always prioritizing peace and friendship. Hotaru makes a good point that his absence would create a gaping hole in the class. Mikan might have helped get them all together, but losing a peacemaker would no doubt spur conflict in the class again.

Hotaru recalls a moment when Yuu told her that all the kids here are separated from their families. Even if they don’t say it aloud, they’re all scared and lonely. If they get along and become friends, then they won’t have to face this life entirely on their own. Mikan is naive; she still thinks of this place as a wacky school with a few unfair rules. Yuu, who has been a student here for almost his whole life, understands that there’s corruption and unfairness. He doesn’t just want to make friends, he wants to make sure that the students in his class--all of whom are suffering in the same ways--can support each other and become stronger as a result. 

They will always be a trio to me.

The fact that the trio of Yuu, Mikan, and Hotaru stops being as central after this arc makes some amount of sense since Mikan gets closer to other classmates, but it also makes me sad. They’re a trio that perfectly balance each other: Hotaru may be cold, but she knows when to dish out unpleasant truths and is logical when the other two aren’t; Mikan may be loud and annoying, but she keeps things positive and friendly; Yuu may be shy, but he keeps the peace and does his best to mediate conflicts. They get along really well, and it’s their combined efforts that brought unity to Class B. Hotaru loves Yuu and doesn’t want to lose him. Mikan also loves Yuu, and seeing that Hotaru also cares so unabashedly reminds her why she loves Hotaru too.

Hotaru is cold and calculating, an enterprising and apathetic inventor with a capitalistic mindset. Mikan doesn’t focus on those traits, though, even though they seem to be the most obvious parts of her. There’s also a hidden kindness and appreciation for the people she loves. There’s ingenuity and creativity. Mikan isn’t a masochist (I’ll say this a thousand times) because the coldness isn’t what draws her to Hotaru; it’s the parts Hotaru would rather keep under wraps. That’s why we see Mikan gushing about Hotaru the most when Hotaru does something clever, shows off her accomplishments, and (most of all) when she does something kind.

Mikan, being an optimist, is someone who focuses on the bright sides of people after she’s been shown them. After she met the “real” Ruka, the act he tried putting on didn’t faze her at all; she already knew who he really was inside. Once she realized what kind of person Sumire could be, she was able to tolerate Sumire’s bad qualities better. Once she saw that Natsume was capable of kindness, she couldn’t hate him anymore. The goodness of people is what stands out to her, which is why when she sees that there’s good traits in somebody, it’s hard for her to stop seeing them.

Which is why even now, she still likes Natsume. He hurt her, and he has very obvious bad traits, but because she’s seen the good ones, that’s what stands out to her. That’s why she’ll still like him going forward even if he never actually apologizes for what he’s said.

And she’s happy to see Hotaru be so open with her, to finally say out loud all the things Mikan already knew. Mikan is touched, especially to be included among the people Hotaru likes, and gets even more excited about saving Yuu’s alice.

One chapter, Natsume closes himself off, crushing her. The next, Hotaru opens up, and Mikan is incredibly happy as a result. 

But things go sideways very quickly: Hotaru is hearing commotion on her spying headphones, so she calls off their plan. They’re going to head back.They start to leave, but they’re encountered by the Z members, including the one who’d previously been captured by the academy. Hotaru freezes, but Mikan points out that she can see some teachers who might be able to help, bringing attention back to them.

Family reunion!

(Hotaru called her “Mikan,” which is why Yuka pays attention, because of course she knows that name, and which is why she approaches her. Yuka, who did everything in her power to make sure her daughter had a safe life away from the academy, has just discovered that Mikan somehow ended up at Alice Academy anyway. It’s only natural she would step closer.)

The woman reaches for Mikan, a Z member spots a security guard behind the kids, and Hotaru takes a bullet for Mikan.

I don't know how long the list is, but add another trauma!

It happens so quickly that it takes Mikan a moment to understand what has even happened, but it’s safe to say that when she processes that Hotaru has been shot, she is no longer over-the-moon happy.

Chapter Thirty-Two

When we see Mikan again, she looks unlike anything we’ve ever seen from her: she’s in a state of shock, frozen from witnessing her best friend take a bullet for her. Mikan is usually good at smiling and staying upbeat, but as I had pointed out at the beginning of this essay, she quickly starts experiencing traumatic events in rapid succession. She may be the most childish and cheerful girl around, but even she has her limits. 

Poor Mikan :(

So she doesn’t chat with the others when they come by, she doesn’t light up. She just calls out for Hotaru when she comes out of surgery. But even when the kids are allowed a few minutes with Hotaru before she’s put in an isolated room, Mikan doesn’t say much. She just stares, gloomy and dark, very much unlike her. She is blaming herself, aware that the bullet had been meant for her, aware that Hotaru sacrificed herself for her one more time. Hotaru, asleep, calls out for her parents, shocking Mikan even more. 

I like picking panels that include Natsume if I can help it.

Subaru coldly tells them to leave, that their presence isn’t helping, and that the virus she got from the bullet might kill her if they don’t find an antidote.

The hospital is full of Hotaru’s fans, and everyone around Mikan is crying. Even though she is obviously shocked, she doesn’t shed any tears or say much of anything. When Tono and Noda come by, she lets Tono pick her up and lets herself be comforted, but she still doesn’t cry or reply to anything that's said. She turns for a moment only when Noda tells Natsume that he’s been summoned for a DA meeting. She watches him leave and they share a look.

I analyzed this look from Natsume’s POV, that giving her a meaningful glance is really all he can offer in her time of need, but it’s also interesting from Mikan’s POV. He told her he hates her, and he obviously doesn’t care about Hotaru, so why is he even here? Why is he giving her a look? 

Mikan will continue to be confused by Natsume’s endless back-and-forth behavior for a long time, and this is only one example. If you’ve ever wondered how somebody could not see that Natsume was head-over-heels for her, all it takes is seeing that, from Mikan’s POV, this guy is anything but consistent. One minute he’s hanging out with her at the festival, the next he’s making fun of her, then he’s all soft and saying her name, then he’s ignoring her for weeks, then he’s telling her he straight up hates her, then he’s giving her meaningful looks. It doesn’t make any sense! Natsume has always been a conundrum to her, a puzzle with almost all the pieces missing, and it’s still the case now.

The scene moves on quickly though, because Hotaru has woken up, and she has something to say to Mikan: telling her she’s ugly, to wipe that look off her face, to not worry about her. To smile.

I can see a complex forming fast...

We join Mikan again outside, with Ruka and Yuu catching up with her, and we finally see her say what she’s been thinking out loud. Hotaru doesn’t talk about the things that bother her. Mikan is loud about wanting to see Jii-chan again. She complains about things and makes sure everyone knows what she’s feeling. But Hotaru keeps that to herself. She wasn’t only trying to get the best student award to see Mikan after all; she loves her family too and now that she’s on her death bed, all she wants is to see her parents. Hotaru is cool and confident, usually blank-faced, but she’s still a little girl, and little girls cry out for Mommy and Daddy when they’re hurt. Mikan has never seen that side of her before, and is shocked. 

That’s how bad things are, Mikan explains, that Hotaru (who never complains or lets on that she’s in pain) is crying out for her parents. And EVEN WITH THAT, she’s more concerned about Mikan than herself.

Mikan finally breaks down, crying for the first time since Hotaru has been shot, and she feels guilty for it. Hotaru tells her to smile (out of good intentions), to not worry, because she finds strength in Mikan’s positivity. If even Mikan can’t smile, then the situation seems all the more dire. And she wants Mikan to be able to smile, to not be sad. She is worrying for Mikan, but Mikan can only think that she’s messing up somehow by crying, that she’s weak for shedding tears. She wants to be strong, like Hotaru is.

I’ve mentioned this before, in the introductory arc, where Mikan started developing complexes about being useless, about being weak. When she first ran away to the academy, she was trying to be selfless, to sacrifice something, but she ended up (in her own view) putting her friends in danger and inconveniencing everyone. She doesn’t ever recognize her own strength, her own sacrifices that she’s already made. She views strength as eternal smiles and no shed tears, but that’s not what strength is. She berates herself for crying when Hotaru is going through worse, but pain isn’t a competition. Hotaru might be in pain, but so is Mikan. She should cry if she wants to. 

Not only is this not right, but also Hotaru being blank-faced isn't what makes her strong. I think Hotaru could probably afford to be a little more upfront about her feelings, sure, but she seems to know when to be serious and when to tease. She thinks of other people, the ones she cares about. She is confident and sure of herself and her abilities. Her lack of tears isn't what makes her strong, in other words. Mikan has her own strength to, but struggles to see it. Additionally, she seems to think she can be as strong and secure and mature as she wants without going through the necessary life experience needed to reach that level. We'll get into that later.

This is further evidence of that complex she will only continue to develop. Just like Natsume has a martyr complex, a trait that seems noble on the surface but is in reality dangerous and unhealthy, Mikan also has a trait like that. Mikan sees herself as useless. The only thing that seems to have value is her smile. People find strength from it, so if that’s all she can bring to the table, then why would she ever let it leave her face?

She’s told (I think by Tono) that she’ll be strong like Hotaru some day--which is kind, but also missing the point a little. Ruka comforts her, hugging her. They are like souls, too. Mikan wants to take on all of Hotaru’s pain as her own. Ruka wants to do the same for Natsume. Mikan doesn’t want to be a burden on Hotaru. Ruka doesn’t want to be a burden on Natsume. Mikan wants to smile for Hotaru, to not cry anymore. Ruka promised Natsume that he wouldn’t smile if Natsume couldn’t smile. So he understands better than anyone what she’s struggling with right now.

And maybe that makes them a little bit of a bad influence on each other (again, they are kids; so I’m not calling anything problematic or toxic because all kids are messes learning how to live). They see their friends suffer and they want to be stronger for them, which is good, but both Ruka and Mikan are selfless to a fault too. They don’t value their own pain as something worth crying over. They make promises they shouldn’t keep (to always smile, to never smile) which will only cause unnecessary guilt in the future. 

I love this moment of connection between them.

But they’re also good influences on each other too. They’re able to support each other because they get it. So there’s really nobody better to comfort Mikan now, because every word out of her mouth is something Ruka has thought about Natsume, because he’s been in her position before many times. 

Chapter Thirty-Three

Mikan isn’t taken to her dorm like she’s supposed to be; instead they all go to the SA classroom. Tono puts it best: she shouldn’t be alone right now when she needs support. Misaki is most supportive, making her a hot drink and sympathizing with her plight. Mikan is still in tears, still crying over her friend. Tono muses about a tunnel in the senior division that might lead to a wormhole (in other words, a possible key to saving Hotaru and getting Yuu’s alice back). Mikan clings to this hope, suddenly cheered up with the idea that there’s something she can do to help Hotaru.

Tono tries to backtrack, but when Mikan starts crying over the fact that he would like in her time of need, he finds he can’t. Her classmates come in too, and the issue of this tunnel is suddenly the subject of debate. They argue back and forth on how reckless the idea is, but Mikan holds firm: she and Hotaru promised that they’d save Yuu’s alice, and Hotaru is in trouble now, so she wants to do something to help. Mikan, who always feels useless, wants to prove herself. She wants to be strong like Hotaru. So far, Hotaru has been the one breaking the rules to help Yuu (controlling Narumi, ditching the teachers, etc.), something Mikan admired. Now it’s her turn to break the rules and save the day. 

Ruka can connect to Mikan's speech because he's been there, but there's a sentiment that also connects Mikan to Natsume in his eyes as well. With that in mind, he has to support her.

And Ruka is touched by her speech, because he’s always felt that way about Natsume, so it makes sense that he’d be the first person to volunteer to help her. Mikan is moved, because support means her plan might make sense to somebody other than her. But then Natsume volunteers too, and that’s entirely out of left field.

Natsume, who is always cynical and jaded, who seems to think that everything is stupid or a bad idea, is on her side. Remember that the last thing he told her was that he hates everything about her, that he wants her to stay away. Here he is now, volunteering to spend more time with her, saying that he prefers her plan to sitting around and doing nothing. WISHY WASHY MESS.

Mikan's like "????????"

Mikan is understandably surprised, and they share one more look. Sure, he’s not smiling. Sure, there’s no apology or sweet words. But he’s picking her side and that means something. Even Mikan can tell this means he must not hate everything about her.

So Tono gives in and the plan takes off. The kids are gonna sneak into the high school division to find the tunnel by eating Gulliver candies.

Chapter Thirty-Four

They create substitutes and alibis for their absences going forward and then it’s done. The plan is already in motion, even if Tsubasa is against it. 

Mikan is the first to join Tono and Tsubasa after eating the candy, suddenly fifteen! But just because she’s fifteen on the outside doesn’t mean she’s any more mature on the inside. She still doesn’t understand Tono’s perverted comments.

She’s awestruck to see how Natsume and Ruka have changed, though. It’s so bizarre to see them grown up that she feels like she’s going crazy. We can assume that she thinks they’re cute, because she’s blushing and freaking out, which is fun to see because Mikan didn’t seem to really understand why someone would have a crush on Natsume after finding out he’s a jerk. She knows he’s a jerk, and yet!

Mikan and her weakness for beautiful people...

Then she trips and he catches her, and the moment is sweet for a bit. First, he tags along to the hospital to see her. Then he joins her team. Now he’s catching her! It seems like he really wasn’t telling the whole truth when he said he hated her. The pieces don’t fit properly, but she’s happy that he doesn’t seem to really hate her. So she blushes again! Because she really hadn’t been expecting kindness from him after Chapter Thirty. Plus he’s not bad-looking as a teenager--

And then he feels her up. Nevermind!

They bicker and fight (and Tsubasa points out that all three of the kids are completely unchanged on the inside even if they look grown up) and it’s the first time they’ve really done so since the culture fest. I said in Natsume’s essays that he must be relieved by that because it’s all he can reasonably expect from her at this point, but I think she must be relieved in some way too. She’s bickered and argued with Natsume plenty in the story so far. She started liking him, but they were still bickering. Then all of a sudden he was ignoring her. They weren’t even fighting--they weren’t talking at all. Being able to argue with him and having him bicker back must be a relief. It’s a sign, along with all the stuff I mentioned above, that Natsume might be back to normal.

It's so funny that Mikan only pauses fighting with Natsume to climb up the pothole and then she goes right back to it. She must have really missed this!

They sneak onto the high school division campus and instantly face obstacles like angry, sentient statues with violence issues and annoying hall monitors. They’ve been doing a good job blending in, but then Mikan swallows her candy. 

She calls out to Ruka for help. He’s the nicest guy among them really, and the least likely to yell at her or call her an idiot for messing up. She’s right (and wrong) to ask him for help. He’s only concerned and immediately tries to help, telling her to hide out of sight while he asks for assistance. But Ruka doesn’t know the high school division any better than she does, so he messes up too, getting them trapped in a zero-gravity chamber. Mikan cries out for help from her senpais, and they do, Tono amplifying Tsubasa’s alice so he can yank them out of the chamber. 

But both Mikan and Ruka appear in front of the high-schoolers as children once more. They get caught by a hall monitor with the ice alice and now all the kids are stuck and even Natsume has swallowed his candy (they are all so cute with their baggy clothes ;-;). Mikan calls for her senpai for help, but it’s surprisingly Natsume who saves them, using his alice to melt the ice.

You’d think that, being stuck in ice, she’d first think of Natsume, the fire Alice, for help. But she’s still angry at him, and he’s so rarely kind, especially lately, that asking him for help doesn’t even occur to her. He’s so far not given her much of a reason to.

But he does save them, and Mikan looks at him differently. He was saving himself too, but he also saved her. Not to repeat myself for the nth time, but he keeps acting contrary to what he’d said before, and she keeps being surprised. 

Always pay attention to sparkly panels!

It would be one thing if he suddenly changed and was nice after claiming he hates her. That’s not what happened. He’s not nice. Everytime he does something kind, he balances it out with something mean. She doesn’t know what to think of him, but so far on this trip he’s been more helpful than antagonistic, and she has been keeping track.

Chapter Thirty-Five

There is so much PLOT and INFO and LORE here in this arc that I’ll either skim or skip, depending on how relevant it is for character and relationship growth. Just keep that in mind.

The group manages to find the only people who might know about the tunnel: Sakurano and Subaru, who are never seen apart, like life partners or boyfriends or something. Mikan pleads with them to help, taking responsibility for all the broken rules. Natsume might be a good talker, somebody who knows exactly what to share and when to hold back (an excellent negotiator), but Mikan is all heart. She’s not smart, but she feels immensely, so she interrupts with an emotional request that they help out of the kindness of their hearts, because Yuu and Hotaru need it. 

When Sakurano rejects her, she gets angry, asking Subaru how he could watch his sister struggle and not do anything about it. Usually, these emotional requests aren’t as successful in bargains as Natsume’s approach of playing with power imbalance. But Mikan isn’t trying to manipulate anybody; she’s sincere and earnest, and that’s why her approach works. She wants Subaru to care about Hotaru, so she says it out loud. She wants Sakurano to help because it’s the right thing to do, so she says so.

"I want to believe you care, that you're worried about her too." Don't mind me. I struggle with not talking MORE about the Imai siblings. I'm holding back, I promise.

Sakurano concedes that he’ll help them, even though it could get him and Subaru in trouble, but only if this isn’t just a bare-bones move of desperation. Natsume boasts about his credentials, that the plan will go smoothly because he’s part of it--and also Ruka. He turns to Mikan, because this is her idea, and he asks about her. 

This is maybe the first time that someone has looked to Mikan and asked what she would contribute. People chat with her, sure, and how she feels has weight and all that. That’s not what I’m talking about. People underestimate Mikan (and have been this whole arc, actually), with Tono and Tsubasa dismissing her idea to save Hotaru, Sumire shutting her plan down, and her own self-doubts putting into question whether she can actually help anyone. It was only when Ruka and Natsume signed on to her plan that she was taken seriously. Sakurano and Subaru had up to this point dismissed all of them as naive little children. But Natsume is looking to her now, because this was her plan from the start, and whatever ideas she has should be heard. This is her mission. She should have a say. What role does she want to play here?

Something something viewing her as an equal with something to contribute or whatever.

I talked about how Natsume stressing that Ruka would be just as instrumental and beneficial to the cause as him was a way of calling Ruka his equal. But he’s doing that now with Mikan too. This is important! Natsume, who has just shown off how instrumental he'll be to this mission, expects she'll be helpful too. It means a lot, especially coming from him. Mikan hasn’t really ever had people expecting things from her before, so she’s taken aback, but she eventually concludes that what she can do best is use her alice to protect her friends. She’s expected to participate equally, so she puts herself on the line. She still doesn’t value her alice as much as she should, but she knows that smiles won’t help here, and nullification is the only other thing she feels she can offer.

So that’s that. They go to the tunnel and somehow all her teammates go in before her. That’s how committed they all are to her cause. Natsume goes in without question, and Ruka follows after, determined. Tono gives Mikan his alice stone right before she can disappear. 

In the final seconds before she goes through the tunnel, she can see Subaru looking at her, like he wants to say something. He doesn’t know much about his sister. So far, he’s spent more time healing her unconscious body in the hospital than he’s spent actually talking to her. He wants to see her get better too. Mikan wanted him to be more than what Hotaru had assumed, that he wasn’t just a cold robot devoid of all humanity, that he cared for his sister somehow. He does want her to save Hotaru, to find the antidote. (Subaru is a lot like Natsume in that way; acting like he cares could put Hotaru in danger. And he’s also like Hotaru, since he acts aloof around her even once they start getting closer.) This is not relevant except that I love Subaru and Hotaru’s sibling bond so I wanted to ramble. Moving on.

Conclusion

Or... I'll be moving on in the next part, which I will probably post tomorrow! These chapters are very exciting, but heavier in lore than in relationship analysis.

In this part, we discussed Mikan's new mission: not just to save Hotaru and Iinchou, but to become stronger. Additionally, Natsume had been backtracking from his insistence that he hates everything about her. He has so far, right after saying he hates her, been on her side all day.

In the next part, we'll see the Z Arc continue and be able to compare how Mikan imagines this mission to go and how it really goes down. She'll see a little bit more of how different Natsume is from the rest of them, and her feelings will only get stronger!

ALSO, happiest of birthdays to @crimsoncitrus , a very good friend and an awesome person to know!

Anyway, I'm gonna go earn $100 now. :)

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 17)

I know it's been a while. I don't really wanna apologize because... well... it's not my fault. I had a lot of stuff happening in my life recently. Nothing too huge but I've been so tired that writing this essay was simply too much. It's a pretty challenging project, actually, and it takes up a lot of time and energy, so I had to take a short break until I felt like I could resume posting.

Anyway, this is the Discovering Natsume Arc, and would you look at that, we left off just as Mikan was learning his tragic backstory, finally after all this time. Today we'll see just how far Mikan is willing to go to protect him and his happiness.

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Chapter Sixty-Five

It would be super-cool if I could analyze Mikan’s real-time reaction to the whole story, but that’s not the way the story is presented to us, so I can’t. All I can analyze is what I see. More than that would be speculation… fanfiction. Anyway!

Ruka’s story ends and the girls finally have a chance to react. Mikan had been hearing about this fire, about Natsume being a criminal and murderer, since she first came to the academy. Reo said that the fire Natsume set was the reason he got sent to the school, why he’d been placed in the DA class. But now she knows the truth. He’s no criminal. He didn’t set the fire. He took the blame himself to protect his sister.

Hadn’t Ruka told her a while ago that Natsume was the kind of person who always puts others before himself? At the time, Mikan struggled to fully fathom that because her view of Natsume was limited to what he wanted her to see. If Mikan listened to Natsume, trusted that how he came off was how he really was, then she wouldn’t feel romantically towards him now. And maybe Mikan would have listened if Ruka hadn’t been there to challenge her. Mikan knows now that Natsume has been sacrificing himself his whole life, that every day at the academy is a sacrifice he makes for his sister. So, yes, Ruka was completely right about Natsume being a selfless person.

Mikan had been slowly seeing small glimpses that he was right before, but now she knows the full extent of it.

Natsume has to do horrible missions for the school. Because Aoi is being held over his head, he has no choice but to comply. And all the while, Ruka’s star rank has been going up, a symbol of Natsume’s suffering. And Ruka can’t do anything but watch helplessly.

This puts things into perspective.

Mikan had always known that Ruka must care about Natsume a lot to defend him so fervently, but now she can see there’s more to it. Ruka defends Natsume and his reputation because he feels like he can’t protect him in a way that matters. This is all he can do for his friend, stick up for him. 

And Natsume’s experience with the DA class, his strategic knowledge, his dark life, his disdain for the academy, his suicide attempt--it all makes sense now. The puzzle that is Natsume has been solved after all this time. 

And I think it’s important that Ruka is the one to destroy the mystery. Gakuen Alice is so much a story about friendship and love and bonds, more than a story about magic or corruption. Human beings don’t exist in a vacuum. Personality traits are always tied to human interaction. Natsume sharing his own backstory is out of character, but Ruka doing it for him is an act of love. And that makes Natsume look better too, and always has. He has someone who loves him, who sees a lot of good in him. So Mikan has always had Ruka’s voice in her head from the beginning, the voice of somebody who loves Natsume. And now she knows everything, told from the loving and fiercely protective perspective of his very best friend.

In any case, Mikan is trembling with rage. She screams her disapproval at the school.

It's an institutional problem, actually. It would take a while to get into.

Mikan has known from the beginning, partly because Natsume warned her, that this school has a darkness to it, that it’s more than just a wacky academy for weirdo kids. But its darkness has transcended the abstract now. It’s no longer hypothetical. “It’s unfair,” she says, and of course she’s right. Natsume never did anything to deserve what happened to him. He did good and noble things and was taken advantage of ever since. 

“No more,” she decides to herself. She won’t let the school do what they want with Natsume anymore. This is a vow of protection. She is swearing, via her internal monologue, that she won’t allow Natsume to be hurt anymore. In particular, she says, “I won’t let them do what they want with Natsume’s future… with our futures anymore!” 

This could mean anything!!! I guess my job is to explain some possibilities. It depends on who you think the “our” in question is.

The most likely explanation is that Natsume’s case seems to be the worst, that is that the school’s mistreatment of him is the apex of their general mistreatment of children. Holding them accountable for what they’re doing to Natsume, thus saving his future, is key to helping all the students, thus saving “our futures.” Here, “our” would refer to all academy students. Pretty simple. Pretty likely.

Or it could be a little more personal. “Our” could mean this little group that has set out to save Natsume, all his good friends who care about him. If they save Natsume, they’ll all be happier, because they all love Natsume and want him to be okay. Thus their futures would be secured as well. After all, Ruka is suffering because Natsume is suffering. Obviously, the fate of friends is intertwined. All of them will suffer if Natsume continues to suffer.

Or it could be very personal. “Our” could refer to Mikan and Natsume. This is internal monologue, after all, so it doesn’t need to be bold and inspiring to other characters. Mikan has been thinking of the ESP’s warning/threat during all of this, thinking that Natsume could be the “something important” she might lose if she’s not careful. If Natsume disappears forever, her own future will suffer too. But she doesn’t want anybody to take anything important from her. She refuses to allow the ESP to steal Natsume from her. One consistent fear of Mikan's is the threat of losing Natsume--specifically him. In the future, she is at risk of losing other loved ones, but Natsume's connection to the DA class, his life-shortening alice, and his martyr complex all make him the biggest risk.

It’s probably a mixture of all of those things. In any case, Mikan refuses to let Natsume be hurt anymore, so she and Hotaru rush off to find him and protect him from Persona.

Chapter Sixty-Six

The team decides to split up because the path divides three ways. Ruka is a bit surprised by how determined Mikan and Hotaru are, but they seem to be equally invested in helping Natsume, all three of them. 

Mikan’s path involves descending dark stairs. She thinks about Natsume being in a place like this, all on his own, trapped forever. It’s sweet to see her so concerned about him. It’s easy to be like Sumire during the Reo Arc and just assume that he knows what he’s doing because he always acts like he knows what he’s doing. But Natsume was lured here, tricked, which means he’s just as overwhelmed as she is. He doesn’t have a plan because he didn’t even know what he was walking into. 

Crying about these scans looking like someone broke a ink pen all over them...

Turns out that Mikan’s path leads to a dungeon, where she meets a very cute girl. They hit it off right away, but Mikan is confused about why a random girl would be locked up in a dungeon for seemingly no reason. When the girl reaches up to touch her face and then comments that Mikan is cute too, pieces start coming together. This girl is blind and Mikan quickly figures out she’s Aoi, Natsume’s lost little sister. 

Aoi has apparently been gaslit and manipulated about her position and even her own identity after losing her memories. She talks about Persona like he’s helping her and doesn’t consider herself a prisoner even though the cell door is locked. She’s been getting “treatment” for her eyes and is “allowed” to work to repay the favor, even though the person she’s working for is the person who blinded her in the first place.

Mikan catches on pretty quick that Aoi has the complete wrong idea about her situation and tries to explain to Aoi that Persona is not the kind man he’s tried to make himself out to be and that there’s a lot she doesn’t know, that she should be going to school with the other Alices, not locked away in a dungeon. But Aoi defends Persona, saying he used to live in this very dungeon, and had a very sad life. Persona is comforted by Aoi, who claims she is not an Alice.

But Mikan remembers from Ruka’s story that Aoi had always been smiling, always upbeat and cheerful. But this girl in front of her isn’t smiling, because Persona stole her smile away from her, just like he stole away Natsume and Ruka’s smiles. She wants to help Aoi get her memories back and promises that she’ll help her escape, so that she can be reunited with people who truly love her. 

Mikan doesn’t know Aoi very well. They just met, and all she really knows about her she learned from Ruka’s story. But they hit it off, and Aoi is innocent. She doesn’t deserve to be locked up. But there’s something more to it. Aoi is precious to Natsume, who went through a great deal of trouble on the off-chance he might be able to save his sister. Mikan wants to help him too, to reunite him with somebody he loves. Just like at Christmas, when Mikan was at least partially motivated by the thought of Natsume when she yelped Youichi, she's still thinking of him now.

It's lovely to see how strong her love for Natsume is through this exchange.

Hotaru calls her to let her know she and Ruka have found Natsume and suddenly Mikan is reinvigorated. She can’t let Aoi out herself because she’s locked up, but she can bring Natsume here. She promises to come back soon with somebody Aoi loves and takes off, eager to see Natsume again, to tell him that she’s found his precious sister. “The hope he’s been searching for” is so close, she thinks. 

And, yes, obviously anybody would be excited to tell the relative of a kidnapping victim that they’ve found the person, but this is tinged with the extra flavor of Mikan’s affection for Natsume, her desire to protect his happiness and to see him happy. He’s been upset and miserable for so long, worrying about his sister for years. It’s hard not to believe that Natsume will feel instant relief to see his sister safe and sound, maybe even smiling. It all seems so close, like everything is coming together. The happy ending is right around the corner.

But when she actually rounds the corner, there’s a fight instead. Her friends are up against a formidable opponent. It’s very cold in this hallway, and obviously something important is happening. But when Natsume turns around and calls her name, that’s important too.

This is the first time she’s seen him since she learned his tragic backstory, since she’s fully discovered him. She already cared about him, obviously, but she can’t help but view him in a new light now. He’s not just kind on occasion, his whole life has been molded from his selflessness. He has suffered and struggled for years and now she knows. 

It always feels so important... So it must be.

To be honest, I think this is the point where Mikan (whether she will ever admit it to herself or not) is fully in love with Natsume. Now that she fully understands his motivations, her affection has reached new heights, and seeing him for the first time since learning all this new stuff about him takes her aback. Because this moment carries weight. She looks at him and it matters. 

But she doesn’t have the privilege of lingering in the moment because the fight is still going on. They’re fighting against an ice alice, against somebody used to the basement. Natsume’s fire alice is a good defense, and he calls to Mikan for assistance. Together, he says, they can stop her without hurting her. 

Very nice!

Mikan always struggles with feeling like her alice carries worth. It is a consistent insecurity. But just like Natsume turned to her during the Z Arc and expected her to contribute, he now is asking for her help. His alice can only hurt. But hers can protect, even their opponent. This is also important. Lots of important stuff going on here.

Then Mikan sees that their opponent is Nobara, who doesn’t look like herself. Nobara, who had been concerned about them, about Natsume. Nobara, who’d warned Mikan to get Natsume out of there. Nobara, who had led Tsubasa to help them. Nobara, Mikan’s sweet friend.

All it takes is a bit of nullification and Mikan calling out her name for Nobara to snap out of it, suddenly emotional and horrified. Just like with Youichi, Mikan can see another example of the struggle DA kids go through. They’re pitted against each other, made to fight, put in dangerous situations, treated like weapons, hypnotized into a state where they can finally be made to commit violence.

Nobara runs away, ashamed, but nobody can chase after her, because Persona and Yakumo are still there, emerging from the shadows.

Chapter Sixty-Seven

Mikan asks Persona what he had done to Nobara, but he only laughs her off. It’s Natsume who explains, who tells her that Nobara is put into a trance for missions because she can’t be made to hurt people normally.

That other personality brought out by the trance state is why people call her the “Ice Princess,” why she’s notorious and feared throughout the school. In the state, she can be cold and heartless, blindly and emotionlessly carrying out orders. All the DA class kids have unfair reputations forced upon them. Nobara, the Ice Princess. Natsume, the criminal Black Cat. Mikan is angry that Persona has gotten away with taking advantage of kids for so long, unchecked.

Persona announces that Natsume lost the “deal,” so he’ll be locked up forever without ever seeing his sister again. But Mikan won’t allow that. Aoi is so close. A happy future has to be waiting for them, still, especially for Natsume. Natsume has suffered enough, and she will no longer allow his life to be at the mercy of a sadistic child abuser. 

He’s her partner, after all.

Mouse... Rat... I don't know what it is.

Ruka saves her in the knick of time from Persona’s alice, unfortunately resulting in the untimely demise of one of his rats. They can all see Persona’s alice clearly now. The reader likely already has an idea of what his alice is from the end of Chapter 27, when he threatened Natsume. A dead plant, then. A dead rat now. Furthermore, he’s unmoved by the damage he’s caused. Undoubtedly, Ruka and the others are horrified, not just to see the alice in action, but also to witness the loss of life. But Persona’s only bothered by the fact that he hadn’t managed to kill Mikan.

Sadly, Mikan never gets the chance to tell Natsume herself that she’s found his sister, that they can be reunited. Instead, amnesiac Aoi is mysteriously free from her dungeon and blindly making her way through the halls, calling out to Mikan and to Persona. Natsume is shocked to see her, quickly approaching her. But when he calls out to her, she asks him who he is. She can’t recognize his voice and asks for Persona instead. 

Natsume is hurt, and Mikan can tell. That’s unacceptable. They’re supposed to have a happy reunion. Natsume is supposed to smile, relieved that his sister is safe. They’re supposed to remember each other, to hug maybe. 

That has gotta hurt.

So she pleads with Aoi to remember her precious brother, Natsume. 

Mikan uses the word “precious” or “important” or something along those lines a lot in reference to Natsume and Aoi and their joined suffering. It’s true that Natsume and Aoi should be precious to each other, on the basis of being siblings who love each other. But it’s brought up so often, especially from Mikan’s side, I can’t help but feel like this issue is personal for her. Aoi is precious in large part because she’s precious to Natsume, because she’s the key to Natsume’s happiness, in Mikan’s view. And Natsume has to be precious to Aoi because he’s precious to her. Aoi has to love him, because Mikan does. Aoi has to remember her brother, because Mikan can’t imagine forgetting him. 

Mikan’s desperation for them to properly reunite is an act of love.

They’re again interrupted by the fight. Yakumo takes advantage of the distraction to have a bug bite Hotaru, Ruka, and Mikan. Though Hotaru and Ruka are bitten on the neck, effectively paralyzing them momentarily, Mikan manages to protect herself just in time to be bitten on the hand instead.

Persona tries to manipulate Aoi again, accusing Natsume of being the one who injured her and had her lose her memories. It’s infuriating that he’s constantly lying, but Natsume just stands in front of his sister to protect her anyway, making a declaration that he will protect her this time. And Aoi remembers him.

He protects her, the way he always has, and that triggers her memories. 

Persona uses his power while they’re distracted, and Mikan, who was perhaps pretending to be fully paralyzed up ‘til now, finally moves. She pushes Natsume and Aoi out the way and uses her nullification. But the barrier is impeding her alice too, meaning she has to use a lot of her power in order to be effective. 

Mikan has been desperate for them to reunite (for Natsume to be happy), and she isn’t about to let Persona ruin things, especially the very moment that Aoi has finally remembered her brother. There’s a lot of reasons why Mikan acts the way she does in this scene, but the most overarching theme here is protecting Natsume’s happiness, from the way she sees it. 

Not on Mikan's watch!

That’s why, when Persona walks right up to the Hyuuga siblings to attack them, when Natsume stands in front of Aoi to protect her, when things are looking dire, Mikan steps in.

From her point of view, all of Natsume’s suffering so far has been a direct result of Persona’s actions. This is, of course, true to some extent. Persona is undoubtedly a child abuser in multiple ways and feels no remorse in kidnapping, extortion, assault, and even murder, as shown in this scene. But getting rid of Persona wouldn’t necessarily eliminate all of Natsume’s issues, either. Persona may be a villain, but he’s just another employee. I bring this all up because even though Mikan might fancy herself a little more in the know after hearing Ruka’s story, she’s still naive. She still thinks there’s some way she can fix everything by herself, some way of unlocking the path to a perfectly happy ending for the people she loves. Persona causes Natsume to suffer. Ergo, getting Persona out of the picture would mean Natsume could be happy, right? 

There is the fact that they are currently threatened by Persona in the sense that he intends to lock Natsume up forever, and thus defeating him is the key to ensuring Natsume’s (relative) freedom. But my previous point still stands. She still has a pretty idealistic view of things, even after everything. 

I know Natsume's the one whose thoughts are on the page right now, but it also fits Mikan's point of view right now, and her desire to protect Natsume for once.

Thus she tackles Persona. I’d mentioned before that Mikan’s alice seems to work best through physical contact or at least some degree of proximity. The one exception was when she nullified Yuka’s stealing alice so she wouldn’t take Natsume’s alice. Down here in the basement, with the barrier alice, Mikan needs the proximity more than ever. Persona has a powerful alice, so it only makes sense that she would need to fully tackle him to prevent him from using it. Though Mikan was able to stop him from using the alice on the Hyuuga siblings, his mask fell off, and because of the physical contact, Mikan got a full hit of his power.

Persona gloats about this. If she had been smart or hadn’t been such a busybody, they’d all have only faced the smoke he gives off, which wouldn’t have been life-threatening. But the physical touch, especially without the mask, made it sure that Mikan wouldn’t survive. He tells her that it’s too late now; she is certainly going to die.

So precious she would die for it.

I think Persona’s alice being a little vague and mysterious up to now was important. The only previous hints we had as to what his power might be were only revealed through other characters’ interactions with him, namely Natsume or Narumi. We get only small glimpses throughout the manga, but his power remains mysterious anyway. But Mikan never got those glimpses. She’s entirely in the dark, entirely oblivious. She saw that mouse die, so she knows they’re up against a dangerous villain, but she was still ignorant to how his alice functioned. Mikan wasn’t trying to be cocky or full of herself, as Persona suggests. Instead, she uses her alice the way it works the best, hoping to be as effective as possible so she could protect the people she loves. The problem was that by using her alice to the best of its ability, she invited Persona to use his alice the same.

In short, ignorance can cause a lot of grief for a person. But, really, how could Mikan have known? The real message here is nobody can ever be fully informed on any decision they make. I guess.

Conclusion

Next time (tomorrow), we'll try to wrap up this arc and see how far Mikan will go now that she's already pretty much cemented her incoming death. Whoops!

Yeah. This might be a short post but tomorrow's will probably be pretty long and to be honest, today was a wreck for me. One of my cats was having some concerning symptoms so I had to take her to the vet and I have cried so much in the past couple days about it. It's okay--she'll be fine now. But OOF. Big day for me.

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 14)

Hi, friends! We've gotten so far into the manga and have watched Mikan's feelings intensify without her knowledge. Today we will discuss the Christmas Ball Arc, which will introduce romantic themes for Mikan in a way she can't shrug off as easily this time. Cheek kisses, accidental kisses, really long kisses in trees... It's a big night for her!

I feel like I might not have been the only one anticipating this particular post, so I hope you all enjoy. Please go easy on me. You have no idea how nervous I am posting these.

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Chapter Forty-Eight

Finally--the Christmas Ball Arc! This long awaited (by me) event has finally come to Alice Academy! Mikan is easily impressed by her surroundings and the cake she helped with. We go through the typical line-up to see what all the costumes look like this time and to give Mikan an excuse to hang out with all her friends. She even sees Natsume briefly, though he sours things by sticking his tongue out at her. She knows quite a few people on the stage during the representative’s address, but it’s Natsume who stands out to her. She still doesn’t understand all the mystery around him, so he’s intriguing for that reason (like we still don't really know what he's doing onstage). Also, she has a crush on him, which makes him stand out even more.

He's so special and important! That's why he's on a stage!

The Masquerade Ball is another great hook-up event of Alice Academy. There’s an in-depth tradition regarding the switching of masks and confessions and staying together forever, but there’s also a dark side: if your mask falls off when you’re dancing, then you’ll lose something important to you. Hotaru’s logic is to just not dance then, but Mikan finds the tradition terrifying, even if she doesn’t really understand what it means. This will be important later which is why I’m bringing it up now. 

Mikan is introduced to more customs and traditions until she notices Youichi, who’s lost his teddy bear. He perks up when he gets attached to Mr. Bear, but Mr. Bear does not want to spend time with a toddler when he has a job to do. But Mikan owes Youichi a favor from Natsume’s birthday, so she’s forced into the position of negotiator. This obligation is what makes her try to make a deal with Bear, but there’s something else that makes her decide to clean up the party in Bear’s stead so he can hang out with Youichi.

Natsume cares about Youichi. 

Natsume isn't even here, but the fact that Natsume cares about Youichi is enough to get Mikan to make the deal with Mr. Bear.

It’s something Mikan doesn’t want to do. She’s been looking forward to this party for a long time and making this deal means she won’t be participating as much. But Natsume looks out for Youichi. They’re both in the DA class, they both suffer, and Natsume takes care of him. So even though Mikan is doing this out of kindness and to help Youichi, it’s undeniable that she’s also doing it for Natsume.

She stays upbeat, even though this job sucks, and she refuses help because she doesn’t want anyone else to miss out on the holiday fun. The gig isn’t half-bad, though, when she can see Youichi is happy. 

Eventually, her gig becomes unnecessary: Hotaru has started issuing littering fees (capitalistic profiteering off of environmentalist efforts is okay when it’s her) and Mr. Bear ran away from Youichi anyway. So Mikan is chilling out on the terrace to catch her breath before going back inside.

Mr. Bear ran away, but Youichi still wants to thank her. He does so by pulling her hair and then kissing her cheek. It’s innocent and sweet, so Mikan just giggles. A pleasant little surprise to make the cleaning business all worth it. But then Ruka kisses her on her other cheek, thanking her too.

Thanks for what, exactly?

But she didn’t really do anything to prompt thanks from him, and that kiss didn’t feel like Youichi’s. That’s Ruka’s command: to keep that kiss a secret between them.

Chapter Forty-Nine

Mikan is freaking out. She’s confused by romance and has never been “pursued” in this way. I use the word “pursue” hesitantly because Ruka is ten and all he did was kiss her on the cheek. It’s hardly a marriage proposal or even asking her out. But even though it came at the tail of Youichi thanking her and kissing her, Mikan can tell there’s romantic intent. Mikan might be oblivious for the most part, but I think this kiss gave her a pretty good idea about how Ruka feels. After all, his kiss felt unprompted and much more serious than Youichi’s.

I think part of Mikan's discomfort about romance, particularly in this moment, aside from the fact that she's only ten, is that Ruka liking her romantically would complicate their relationship. She doesn't know anything about romance or romantic feelings or how to tell how she feels, so Ruka acting in a way that suggests he likes her makes her nervous. He likes her. So does she like him? If she does, are they supposed to date or something? If she doesn't, is she supposed to tell him? How is she supposed to tell the difference between romance and friendship? It makes sense that Mikan would freak out so much.

Mikan may be pretty oblivious to romance, but it's partially because she doesn't really want to understand. Despite that, she can still tell the difference between a toddler kissing her out of gratitude and Ruka kissing her out of... something else.

It doesn’t help that Hotaru becomes cold with her when she figures out that Mikan is keeping a secret from her. They’re supposed to be best friends and best friends don’t keep secrets but Ruka commanded her.  

(Also, Hotaru can tell the secret has something to do with Ruka so she torments him with a bad slice of cake as retribution.)

It’s time for the Masquerade Ball and though Mikan is excited to dance, she starts freaking out again as soon as she spots Ruka. He doesn’t seem to be nervous about what happened at all, which only makes her feel weirder, but calm and composed Ruka puts her and Natsume on the spot by proposing they dance together, since they didn’t get to at the festival afterparty (and we know why they didn’t dance then). He sets them up and then takes off, seemingly proud of himself. Both Mikan and Natsume are startled by this. 

Why the hell did he think this would be a good idea? They both look uncomfortable!

Even at the after-party, dancing with Natsume hadn’t seemed like a possibility. So far in the story, Natsume and Mikan haven’t really touched a lot. The beginning of their relationship has involved a degree of violent touch (like slamming her against a tree, keeping her in a headlock, tackling him in the middle of a suicide attempt). Then there was a bit of “mocking” touch (like when Natsume rubs in his victory at the end of the SA labyrinth, or his little kick in Chapter Forty-Seven). There hasn’t been a lot of earnest, gentle touch. (Which is bizarre because Natsume is so tactile when he loves someone. See how he interacts with Ruka for evidence.)

Dancing requires touch. Not violence, not mocking, but actual touch. And Mikan isn’t used to touching Natsume, so the idea of dancing with him--being in close proximity, holding onto each other--is startling. They’re the only ones without their masks on, standing still among a sea of masked dancers. I think it’s interesting that they’re not wearing masks. Whether they do or don’t wouldn’t really change the way the scene progresses. But they don’t and every choice is worth analyzing (step #1 of any literary analysis is just asking “why?”). The idea that most appeals to me after I asked myself that question is that their “courtship” (again, I’m using these words hesitantly) is so outside the sphere of what’s normal. 

I'm always asking myself, "Is this arc my favorite?" and I can't really answer that question but whenever I read this scene, I feel like it might just be my favorite...

For one: he’s not even courting her. He may have feelings for her, but that’s a secret he’s content to keep to himself. Second, she’s not courting him! Mikan may have a crush on him by now, but it’s certainly not something she’s aware of and if someone suggested it, she’d protest. Third, most people dance with those they like; they go through the motions. The hook-up event requires the masks and the tradition, the social rules and graces of the normal way to get together. It’s very interesting that Natsume and Mikan don’t follow any of these rules and don’t engage with each other properly for any of the hook-up events. The great hook-up events of Alice Academy tease the potential of a relationship blossoming, but at no point during these events does such a hook-up actually occur! (Mikan dances the Last Dance with Hotaru, the mask tradition only bears relevance during her dance with the ESP, and giving Ruka chocolates is the focal part of Valentine’s Day--they’re all misleading.) They’re not wearing masks because, narratively, the rules and traditions just don’t apply to their relationship.

But they don’t stand still for too long, because Natsume suddenly moves closer and takes her hand to start dancing. When she reacts with surprise, he responds casually: “What? We’re gonna dance, right?” That bizarre scenario of dancing with Natsume is now reality! They’re standing close, holding hands. Mikan blushes and is hyper-aware of Natsume touching her--her waist, her hand. Natsume has never been so gentle with her before, just dancing nicely, the way a normal person would, and Mikan blushes whenever Natsume acts outside of her expectations. 

She's danced this close before. Why is it only weird with Natsume? :)

Mikan danced with Ruka, with Hotaru, with every minor character ever, during the festival afterparty. She smiled and had fun. The proximity and closeness and touching didn’t bother her at all. It’s only when she dances with Natsume that she becomes insecure and nervous, that she starts to “feel weird” (and I look forward to comparing this “uncomfortable” dance with her dance with the ESP later). Mikan isn’t upset to be dancing with Natsume, but she feels internal pressure to do well, something she didn’t feel with the others. She wonders if dancing always requires this level of closeness, of touching, of holding hands--because it’s only with Natsume that she notices at all. She even steps on his foot and he doesn’t react negatively, the way he usually would. 

She is so insecure and uncomfortable that she can’t even hear the music playing. But why is this? Again, Natsume is different. She feels differently about him than she does anybody else but she doesn’t understand why he’s different, so that’s one reason why she’s uncomfortable. Another is that the feelings she doesn’t understand are actually romantic in nature, which will always bring a heightened awareness to touch (especially when it’s so rare). And one more reason is what I brought up when they were sitting by the lake during the Z Arc: fear of rejection. This fear is present whenever romantic feelings are involved, because there’s always the chance the other person doesn’t feel the same. Natsume might be special to her, but that doesn’t mean she’s special to him. The feeling of him holding her hand makes her blush, freaks her out, means something. That doesn’t mean that holding her hand means anything to him beyond the mechanics of dancing. She’s uncomfortable and he’s not and that only makes her more insecure. It’s only made worse by the fact that he’s acting so unlike himself, tolerating her stepping on his foot and just dancing. 

He obviously isn't pleased to have his foot stepped on, but he doesn't say anything or do anything. He just keeps dancing. Very strange behavior.

(This is probably the way he danced with all the other people he danced with at the festival after-party: silent and exactly like he’s supposed to.)

She’s quiet and she’s not smiling, so Natsume complains. How come she’s not smiling like she did with Ruka? How come he’s different? (And we know from Natsume’s POV that he’s doing everything right on purpose, so that she might smile or have fun with him like she did with Ruka before.) Neither of them have any clue that he’s different because she actually likes him (likes him likes him, loves him likes him). So Natsume is done doing everything right on purpose. He’s back to being a jerk, calling her names, which only incites her to call him names and in no time at all they’re insulting each other under their breaths, but dancing all the same. 

What if I told you that this is what true love looks like...

They never stop dancing. They don’t stand farther apart or stop holding hands. Mikan doesn’t stop blushing. But she does start smiling, because bickering with Natsume makes her happy, even if he’s being mean. And maybe Higuchi Tachibana could make her masochism claim here, but I don’t think that’s why she enjoys it.

She’s bickering with him, but she feels herself forget about all of the things that were bothering her before. Ruka kissing her on the cheek doesn’t feel like such a big deal anymore, dancing doesn’t feel uncomfortable. Fighting with him makes her feel normal again. 

Why is this different from the time she danced with Ruka?

Dancing with Ruka made her forget about romance. Dancing with him felt fun and platonic enough that romance didn’t matter. She’d been freaking out about the Last Dance and all the traditions, as well as all the gossip about her, that she felt left out regarding ideas about romance. Ruka made her feel like dancing didn’t have to be romantic, that she didn’t have to worry about that.

She's so happy! He makes her so happy!

Dancing with Natsume made her feel insecure. It’s arguing with him that makes her feel normal again. Natsume’s intriguing when it comes to Mikan because he both challenges her to get out of her comfort zone while also being her comfort zone (I’ll talk way more about this next chapter). Her conclusion in this scene isn’t that “dancing should just be fun!” It’s that being with Natsume (specifically) makes her feel better, particularly when he’s acting like himself.

But the happy moment ends abruptly when they’re shoved by another dancing couple by accident, sending them both falling to the floor.

She lands with her mouth on his, her teeth piercing his lip and causing him to bleed. It’s hardly a kiss, just an accident. 

Ruh roh...

She’s still freaking out and he looks pissed, but she’s waiting for a solid reaction from him, for him to dismiss what happened as nothing, because she wants it to be nothing (not the best way to have a first kiss, and she already had a not-a-great-first-kiss scare with the musical). 

But then he says--in front of everyone--that she sucks at dancing and kissing, almost as if just wanted to piss her off. 

Chapter Fifty

:) 

It’s time.

At first she’s just pissed off at Natsume. She can’t blame him for the kiss itself because it was an accident and thus not his fault. But she can blame him for calling it a kiss. Her anger is interrupted by Sumire attacking her--Permy is angrier at the idea of a NatsuMikan kiss than Mikan is--and Natsume gets the chance to escape, saying something about it not being a big deal, before finding solace in a tree for most of the chapter. Thus rumors start circulating that Natsume’s kissed plenty of girls before, which bothers Mikan. It might not be a big deal to him, after all, but it is to her!

They're so cute. I love them so much.

Koko embarrasses her by saying her thoughts out loud, particularly about how it was different when Ruka did it and how she doesn’t want Ruka to get the wrong idea.

Which leads to me thinking that Mikan knows Ruka’s cheek kiss was supposed to be romantic, which is why the accidental kiss on the mouth with Natsume felt different. It was just something that happened when they fell, with no intentions of any kind, so it can’t be romantic. I also think Mikan gets very confused about romance around this part of the manga. Ruka likes her romantically and she knows it. She likes Natsume romantically but she doesn’t know it. Being around Ruka is fun and he’s very nice, a clear source of comfort for her. It’s easy to get confused then. 

If only Koko would mind his own business...

Again, I’m not a multishipper. I’m not interested in the love triangle. I don’t wanna say anything bad about the Mikan/Ruka ship because I actually really like their relationship (I just only like them platonically). It’s just that to me this seems familiar, like something that has happened to me before, thinking you like somebody just because he’s nice to you. I don’t think Mikan’s had a lot of close friends of the same quality as Ruka. Finding out he likes her romantically inspires questions like, “Do I like him that way too?” and she’s not really sure how she’s supposed to know the answer.

In any case, she definitely doesn’t want Ruka to come to any conclusions before they’ve actually talked--though she also doesn’t want to talk about it.

In the end, Ruka chases Koko off (and how sweet is it that even though Koko is reading Mikan’s thoughts, and thoughts he might like to hear, Ruka chases him off and scolds him for invading her privacy? Like I said--I like their relationship!). 

Ruka is a gentleman! I want to get him a lot of pets on the head!

Mikan’s thoughts about romance only get further complicated by Tsubasa and Misaki, who dance the Last Dance each year and aren’t wearing masks when they dance (and it’s only here that Mikan learns people wear masks with friends or when they’re dating already, so my earlier analysis still counts!!). Tsubasa starts to say that they are going out, but Misaki laughs and waves off the idea, saying they’re friends and she only dances with him because he’s comfortable. Mikan can tell that there’s romance between them but that it’s unspoken. If Misaki only thinks that she and Tsubasa have a platonic relationship, but that they are really romantic, then maybe it’s the same for her?

After all, a whole panel serves to parallel Misaki’s obliviousness to Mikan’s. It’s understandably very confusing.

Anyway, Mikan dances with a few more people, all presumably without feeling insecure or hyper-aware of touching them, until she is approached by a mysterious boy (the ESP). He looks to be her age but she’s unfamiliar with him. He startles her too, just like Natsume had. He also seems to know all about her, including her name and that she’s Natsume’s partner. She starts blushing because he’s not really acting like a kid: his mannerisms and the way he speaks are all too elegant and smooth. 

He killed your dad, Mikan! Walk away!!

Like when she was dancing with Natsume, Mikan is a little uncomfortable, but this time it’s because the boy is charming and complimenting her. She’s embarrassed to be addressed like this, but it’s not entirely unpleasant. UNTIL, the mood changes. And unlike when she was dancing with Natsume and the mood changed to something nicer because he started bickering with her, the mood turns sour. He moves suddenly and her mask falls off. The boy smiles the entire time as Mikan recalls the darker side of the mask tradition: that your mask falling off means you’ll lose something important. 

He warns her to be careful not to lose something important to her and then he walks away, but not before taking his mask off so that Mikan can recognize him (though she’s still unsure it’s really the ESP).

Scummy, scummy little weasel man...

Ugh. WHY WAS THIS DANCE DIFFERENT, you might ask. 

The ESP is charming and handsome and always has been. It’s why he’s managed to get such loyal followers like Persona and Luna. He knows how to talk in order to charm the pants off of someone or how to terrify them, both of which he demonstrates here in one conversation.

Mikan is an intuitive girl, like we’ve seen, so she gets a weird vibe from him (“the atmosphere changed” when he showed up). She has no idea who he is or where he came from but he’s not like the other kids. 

Unlike with Natsume, that “different” vibe doesn’t come from romantic feelings, it comes from the fact that the ESP is actually a grown-ass man and that he is the villain of the story. 

Long story short, Natsume’s dance was different in a good, romantic way, and ESP’s was different in a weird, chilling way. 

I’m not 100% sure if it’s Natsume or Mikan remembering his warning to her from the night of the festival afterparty because they both appear on the page, but for all I know it was both of them! Whatever, we’re analyzing Mikan so let’s go. 

Everything is connected!

If she’s thinking it, then that means that she’s making a connection. She can tell that the ESP’s warning was ominous, and that it might have even been a threat. She’s received a warning before (one of many), from Natsume, when he told her to stay in the light and out of the dark. It wasn’t a threat when Natsume said it, just the most explanation she ever got in terms of his behavior towards her. She isn’t sure what to make of the ESP’s threat, but it concerns her just like Natsume’s did.

She wanders around trying to find someone to comfort her, specifically thinking of Hotaru, Yuu, Ruka, or Tsubasa. She climbs the Christmas tree in the hopes that she’ll see one of them from up there. She has a distinct goal in mind: to find someone who will listen to her and make her feel better.

But the person she finds is Natsume.

Mikan was told to stay away from black cats when she first met him, but Mikan’s instincts with Natsume are never to run away, even when she’s mad at him. She could easily just crawl back down the tree and find somebody else, but she stays with him. For all of him being unpleasant, he’s still a friend, albeit a weird and different friend.

Even though she doesn’t think of him as the supportive, comforting type, she ends up venting to him, complaining about the situation (particularly in terms of the jinx). It’s worth noting that her explanation must have been unclear because Natsume doesn’t figure out it was the ESP she danced with until he speaks to stalker-Nobara. If he knew, he might have been more concerned. Instead he tells her she’s worried over nothing. It’s pathetic to be this worked up over something so insignificant! Her mask fell off, so what?! 

And Mikan smiles. 

"Makes people angry." Y'all already get it at this point, right?

He might not be comforting in the way Ruka or Yuu are, but he is able to comfort her in a completely different way. “It’s because he always ticks me off that bad things stop bothering me.” She has an epiphany about him--even though he’s not saying nice things, she always feels better when she talks with him. 

(Like I said in the Natsume chapter, that’s the method that feels safest. When he starts being comforting in kinder ways, she’ll find him to be that much more of a safe space.)

We’re beginning to see the ways that Natsume is Mikan’s sunshine too.

But Natsume reminds her that she was mad and she remembers the rage until Natsume asks her about what happened between her and Ruka. Mikan, sworn to secrecy, clams up, even though Natsume keeps bugging her about it. She changes the subject to the rumors of Natsume kissing lots of people before. It becomes a back and forth--who kissed who forever. 

I think it’s interesting that Mikan stays firm on the subject of Natsume kissing other people, almost like it bothers her to imagine. We’ll later see Mikan get jealous in a bigger way, but this is sort of like a preview. Not only was their “kiss” not a big deal to him, but it’s not a big deal because he kisses all the time! The tense conversation again progresses into an argument where Mikan is screaming insults, particularly that she doesn’t understand why anybody would kiss him and shouting that what happened between them does not count as a kiss.

So he makes it official.

Smooch!

You might recall that I more or less brushed over the kiss in the Natsume essay. I said that he kisses her and that she pulls away and then I moved on to the post-kiss scene. That’s because Natsume is very interesting post-kiss. But Mikan is very interesting during the kiss. Why? 

Because it’s a long kiss! And it didn’t have to be! 

(For context, here are some other examples of kisses in this manga and their lengths: Narumi and Misaki’s kiss in Chapter 39 is two panels. Yuka and Izumi’s first kiss is one page/3 panels before it transitions into a post-sex scene. Hotaru and Mikan’s kiss is one panel. Naru and Yuka’s kiss in Chapter 132 is one panel. For the sake of fairness, I am only counting panels where the characters are actually kissing, not just leaning in or hugging.)

9 panels. 4 pages. She had time to say (part of) his name between kisses. A pretty looooooong kiss. This is not a quick peck.

And it could’ve been.

I’m not entirely sure why it took her so long to pull away (yes I am). But my honest opinion is that the only reason she did was because she couldn’t breathe, not because she didn't want to kiss him. Because she had been kissing him back by that point. Embarrassing.

He might have initially forced the kiss, but by this point she's kissing back, holding onto him, blah blah blah blah!

This kiss is much more romantic than an accidental kiss on the dance floor; there’s twinkly lights, they’re alone in a tree, it’s Christmas. It’s nice. This might have started out as a surprise kiss but Mikan kisses back. I don’t think that anyone who would read almost 60k words about how much Mikan loves Natsume would need much convincing about that point, but I’ll do it anyway, for both our sakes, because we're obviously both insane. She’s obviously surprised, confused, flustered. I think she’s also… happy? Content? Not entirely sure what word I’d use for a ten-year-old enjoying her first kiss. She holds onto his arm five panels in. She closes her eyes. Panel eight of the kiss has always looked like her leaning in to me. It honestly doesn’t matter because in the last panel of the kiss, he’s holding onto her and she’s holding onto him.

Zoe put it nicely during a text exchange I had with her when I was writing this part of the analysis: “he’s got the initiative (somehow despite his whole isolating, break her heart to save her schtick) and she’s got a lot of pent up affection and frustration that she can’t communicate properly because he’s so wishy-washy.” Brilliant.

When she pulls away, it’s with a gasp. She stays silent and tries to catch her breath because WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT. What a bizarre scene, to have Mikan silent for once, and Natsume talking to fill in the silence. Nobody is forcing the boy to speak, for once, and yet he keeps yammering on, first to explain himself, then to muse on what kisses feel like. Mikan now has her answer--no, Natsume hadn’t “kissed other people.” It’s just her, just now. Their first real, official, earnest kiss.

Then he says it’s no big deal, nothing to get worked up about. All that fuss people make about kissing is needless hype!

Big fuss over nothing??? People died!!!

But it’s a big deal to Mikan. This is Chapter Fifty--Mikan likes him romantically already, even if she doesn’t understand that. She just got swept away in a 9-panel long kiss just for the guy to say it was no big deal. She says nothing because there’s nothing she can say. She’s not angry like she was at the beginning of the chapter. The only evidence that the kiss meant anything to Natsume is that, after he jumps from the tree, he turns back to look at her. 

Chapter Fifty-One

Mikan spends her cleaning day stuck on Christmas. It’s hard to move on when she hasn’t spoken to either Ruka or Natsume. The kids of Class B gather to tell scary stories and Mikan takes cover behind Hotaru when she makes eye contact with Ruka and Natsume. She’s very confused about the whole thing and only gets more confused the more she thinks of what happened--especially in regards to Natsume. 

Poor Mikan! I know I say that a lot but she's so innocent and confused.

“The more I think about it, what they’re probably thinking and my own feelings get all messed up.” Thinking about what the boys are thinking and feeling only makes her more confused about what she thinks and feels, and that sucks because she was already confused to begin with! And the sad thing is that this chapter doesn’t really clear anything up either, though they all eventually “make up.”

Mikan is caught between being terrified of the ghosts stories and conflicted about having been kissed by two best friends. Natsume is acting relatively normal, but he and Ruka aren’t speaking very much, which only serves to freak Mikan out even more.

They get stuck together cleaning the halls. The silence is haunting, but Natsume seems to be the only one working to end it. Mikan is usually the one who can’t shut up and yet she’s entirely silent. It’s awkward until Natsume starts teasing her. Then it’s just weird and tense until there’s blackout and all three of them are cursed into sitting against the wall and waiting for the power to turn back on. 

Mikan is still scared of the ghost stories, but somehow this situation is harder than that. She’s confused about her feelings, about their feelings, about the fact that they haven’t spoken to each other. What are ghosts compared to that?

It’s only made worse when both of them take hold of one of her hands. Poor Mikan has no idea what to do. She doesn’t want to cause more of a conflict or to further confuse herself, but the boys seem to be doing all the work on that front anyway. When they each spot the other holding onto her other hand…

"WTF???"

They start to laugh. And Mikan is only more confused. I don’t think that Mikan is that stupid that she can’t tell their conversation is about her; I just don’t think that their conversation is what she’s focusing on. They’re talking cryptically and she’s not really following it, if she’s even really listening. Honestly, I think she’s more taken by the fact that they’re so laid-back and jovial about the situation. So she smiles, relieved, because there isn’t a problem after all. She’d been concerned that the boys would get into some sort of conflict because of her, and there’s good reason why she thought she’d already caused some, before they assuaged all her doubts. 

She’s happy for once until a ghost (Nobara) seems to appear down the hall. Mikan and Ruka take off out of fear.

Chapter Fifty-Two

Mikan is touched that Nobara would “become a ghost” just to see her again, but they are quickly parted once again by cleaning duties, when Mikan gets sent to the SA room to help tidy up there. Though Mikan is in much brighter spirits than before, she’s still concerned about why nobody likes Nobara. Even Natsume, who’s in the same class, dislikes her, even though he likes Yo-chan. Is there no feeling of kinship? But Hotaru appears out of nowhere to assure her that just Mikan being friends with her is enough. 

While the SA class is cleaning, they move a bookshelf and see that the wall behind it is covered in love-confession graffiti. One speaks to Mikan: Yuka and Sensei. They also find a bunch of old photo albums, which prompts many questions. 

For one, many pictures have two specific people (Yuka and Izumi) burnt out of them. (This is sad to me because it means that after she watches them both die, Mikan won’t have any pictures of them to look back on. Evidence of their existence will be gone except for in fickle memory.) Noda is able to clarify that the teacher in question used to have his job as lead teacher of the SA class who had the nullification alice like Mikan does. 

Then there’s the question of parentage and love connections. Apparently most alices marry other alices, particularly that they meet at school. Ruka, who was born from two non-Alices is a rarity compared to most of the other kids who have at least one Alice parent. 

The sad and tragic longing.

These new topics cause Mikan to feel a connection to the Yuka and Sensei graffiti. She wonders if her own parents had a love story, if they met at school, if they were Alices. We know already that Mikan feels a sense of connection to the mysterious former SA teacher, but she doesn’t know much about him other than his alice. It’s primarily Sensei that has her attention, and then incidentally Yuka, both of whom had their faces burnt out of all the pictures. That particular graffiti is precious to her now and she doesn’t want to clean it up and erase what little evidence of their love is left (and I don’t think she’s completely ignorant to the fact that she could be evidence to their love too).

When Tsubasa catches her being sad, he attempts to cheer her up by adding something silly to the graffiti. He also adds a heart to the Yuka/Sensei graffiti to reassure her that their love was strong and wouldn’t be disturbed by tiny obstacles (like Narumi falling in love with Yuka, like Mikan erasing the graffiti, like Izumi being murdered…). It gets out of hand when everyone starts adding more names to the wall, making up a bunch of SA drama and making the sadness of the Yuka/Sensei graffiti feel a little more fun. 

And Mikan gains the courage to add her own writing to the wall, since it’ll all get erased anyway: Jii-chan on the top, and Mikan on the bottom, the daughter of Yuka and Sensei.

Like I have said many times, Mikan is intuitive. She gets feelings about things and is usually right. She guessed rather easily that Natsume had the fourth alice shape without much evidence, though she disregarded that theory. And she can sense now that the former SA teacher who had the nullification alice like her must have something to do with her, as well as the student Yuka. She draws the line and makes the connection because Mikan has been yearning for her parents for her whole life. She has never known anything about them and this is the closest thing she’s ever gotten to an idea of who they were. People who were in love. People who loved her.

This is so cute and sweet. She just wants to connect to her parents!

Mikan’s embarrassed by Hotaru catching her in the act, but her friend only supports her, saying that “Mikan” and “Yuka” seem to match, two citrus names. Hotaru adds herself to the graffiti too, eventually adding on “Penguin” as well. It’s all Mikan wanted, to add new people into her mysterious and mostly empty family tree. 

I think this may be the reason Mikan craves connections the way she does. She never knew much about her real biological family and the only person she had from the start was her Jii-chan. She understands the importance of knowing people because she knows how much it hurts to not know. It’s why she looks so closely at people, why she seeks out their “true selves,” why now that she’s at Alice Academy she feels more compelled to make friends than ever. She might have been a strange girl before, but this is her home and will be for another ten years (or so she thinks). This might’ve been her parents’ home. She wants to fill the hole her parents’ absence created by loving and knowing and understanding as many people as she can.

Conclusion

I wanted to leave off on Chapter 50 but then I'd have to save 51 and 52 for one stand alone post and I kinda hate the idea of that. I want these essays to be more or less connected through arcs and themes, and I want them all to be long and fun to read. So.

Well, in any case, today we talked a lot about the Christmas Ball and a couple kisses that take place, including one really long one. Next time, we'll begin the New Years Arc, beginning with Mikan's birthday! I spent so much time analyzing that arc... I'm now only a measly 20 chapters ahead of the posts, which means I'm gonna have to pick up the pace!

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 22)

Mikan has just entered an arc of personal anguish! Though multiple people are affected by Luna, the target here is Mikan. She is particularly affected by Luna's focus on stealing Natsume away, since he's pretty much already chosen her over Mikan.

Jealousy is the main thread in this arc so that's what I'm focusing on. I do call this the Sports Fest Arc, but it's also a Jealousy Arc! Isn't that so fun?

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Chapter Eighty-One

Mikan being represented by hydrangeas on the cover: “Frivolity, cruelty, patient love, high spirits, maiden’s dream.” Two of these instantly stand out for Mikan: frivolity and high spirits. Cruelty is an interesting part of the symbolism, since Mikan is never cruel. Unfortunately, she is dealing with a lot of other people’s cruelty currently, specifically from Luna. I’m not entirely sure what a maiden’s dream is specifically meant to represent, but a maiden is an unmarried woman, so I assume that this combined with patient love is meant to refer to her current affections for Natsume. “Maiden’s dream” might refer to the dream of romantic love, but, as we’ll see through this arc, Mikan has to be patient with Natsume. All very interesting.

The text at the bottom discusses the symbolism about hydrangeas, which is very relevant for Mikan in this arc!

The arrest turns out to be a ruse. Goshima has saved her and lets her go, warning her not to get caught again. He’s been sent by someone looking out for her from the shadows. We know that the person is her uncle, Kazumi, the High School Principal, but the important thing here is Goshima establishing himself as an ally when he is really a traitor. There's an easy trust given to him, despite how sketchy he seems.

Mikan returns in high spirits, happy that someone is looking out for her. And things only get better when she realizes that Tsubasa is on her team, in the flesh after such a long time of not seeing him. He starts off teasing, but Mikan embraces him, tearing up. She has missed him a lot and needed her senpai to help her through the recent challenges she’s been facing. 

Mikan’s relationship with Tsubasa is very much akin to a sibling relationship. Tsubasa is her reliable older brother, always there to help her and provide support. His absence meant that Mikan now had a hole where she wasn’t receiving the support she needed, where Tsubasa hadn’t been there, reliable like always. Though it likely happened off the page, Mikan might have stopped by the SA class after the fiasco with Luna and Natsume choosing the White Team to see Tsubasa and receive some comfort, just to see him gone again.

Mikan’s crying because she missed him, but especially because he was gone during a particularly unideal time. 

They <3

But Tsubasa stays upbeat and smiling, promising that he’ll make up for his absence now. What I love so much about their relationship is that Tsubasa treats Mikan’s sadness with care and gentleness. Others might tell Mikan to smile or to stop crying, but Tsubasa doesn’t. I’d said before that he instead gives her a reason to smile, and that’s true here too. He validates her sadness by apologizing and sympathizing with her. Then he smiles and tries to cheer her up with kind and heartfelt words. It’s a very mature way to deal with her feelings.

The thing is that whenever Mikan’s mood brightens, Luna comes around to crush her again. This time, a rumor has spread that Mikan got out of trouble by showing the fukitai her underwear. She is aware of these rumors, she confesses, but she’s focusing on the fun she’s having and seeing Tsubasa again because, as we know, she can’t argue against them anyway.  She sees Natsume with Luna again and is sad that they seem to be spending all their time together. 

Jealousy jealousy jealousy jealousy jealousy.

Something something, Mikan specifically thinking about Luna telling her to be quiet when she looks at Natsume, the person she wants to talk to most but the one person she feels like she can't talk to... Unless?

Then Natsume approaches her. Mikan has been on edge around him, partly because he chose another girl over him, partly because they’re not partners anymore so she doesn’t know what they are and doesn't really wanna think about it, partly because she loves him and has no idea what to do with her conflicting feelings. As a result, she freaks out when he comes up to her. He asks her straight up if the rumor is true. 

We know that Natsume is asking to test if Mikan is under Luna’s influence like he is, but Mikan doesn’t know that. She is hurt that he could actually believe that stupid rumor. He should know her better than that! Especially because so far, he has demonstrated that he knows her pretty well. How could he be so far gone for Luna that he could forget her?

“Is he a moron?!” she thinks and it’s fun to see her saying that about him for once. It’s not just that he’s wrong about her, but that he’s so wrong and so completely off-base about her character. He’d have to be stupid to fall for this nonsense, but of course, Mikan can’t say anything. She doesn’t confirm or deny. Instead she evades. She tells him it’s none of his business.

But that doesn’t send him away. Instead, the conversation intensifies. He then asks her what happened between her and Luna. Mikan, haunted by Luna’s threats, has no choice but to dismiss him entirely. He’s Luna’s partner now, not hers. “You’re not my partner or anything anymore.” That nagging question of what they are without being partners has reemerged. They obviously aren’t really friends, and that would be true even if Luna hadn’t come around. Their feelings for each other are certainly not platonic, but Mikan is purposefully not examining why Natsume is different to her right now. So she says he’s not “anything” to her, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It hurts, but if she wants to keep Natsume safe, then this is what she has to do.

T'was said to hurt him like he hurt her. Alas.

He then asks if it bothers her to see him worry about her and that’s the worst thing he’s said so far. Even if they’re not partners, he’s saying that he still worries about her. He’s not just asking these questions out of obligation but out of genuine concern. She’s of course touched that he cares, but she remembers that he had chosen White Team even after she’d asked him to stay with her, so she says, “yes,” that his concern is a nuisance.

Chapter Eighty-Two

“It’s opening ceremonies, but my heart is holding closing ceremonies.” That’s a very interesting way to put it. It’s the beginning of the event, but Mikan is miserable. Her heart in particular feels like this is the end of something. Like her relationship with Natsume, for example (but not her feelings, no).

Yikes!

She says she “didn’t mean to say” that Natsume’s worry was bothering her, which makes me think that although she’d meant in some way to dismiss him because of Luna’s threats, she said what she said to hurt him in some way for snubbing her and choosing White Team. She’d said it without thinking. It aligns with what Luna wants, so she can’t take it back, but it’s not really how she feels at all. I think that makes sense. For all of Natsume assuring her he cares, he did reject her request to join her team. He chose Luna over her, and that’s clearly not something Mikan has gotten over.

She puts a lot of effort into having fun despite this misery, though. She puts her all into performing and exercising with her team. She’s an early participant in the obstacle relay race. Mikan isn’t happy about this. This game is all about luck, something she’s not confident she has, especially nowadays. Plus she’s on Jinno’s team, which means she’s under a lot of pressure.

But she runs into Ruka, one of her competitors now. We can see from this page that Ruka wants to tell her not to worry about the earlier run-in with Natsume. We already know that Ruka is aware of the situation Natsume is in, that he’s not acting this way because he wants to. But sadly, Ruka can’t say much. It’s not his place, and if he says anything, he might make it worse. Instead, he tells her that they should both do their best and not get hurt. 

I really don't wanna understate my love for their friendship~

That means a lot to Mikan, to know that he’s still on her side despite everything, that Ruka would act against the rules to comfort her, even in a small way. It’s a short-lived moment, but it still stands out to her and gives her some much-needed energy for her part in the race. Mikan is athletic, even if she isn’t lucky, so she does pretty well for the most part until the ball riding part, where she sadly gets crushed by her large ball. She is victorious, but at a heavy cost, so she’s exhausted once she’s passed on the baton.

A lot of the rest of this event is watching others participate, so there isn’t much of Mikan by herself. Instead, she’s reacting with awe or shock or amazement.

Chapter Eighty-Four

Before you ask why I skipped 83, I’ll explain that again, most of that chapter is Mikan reacting instead of acting. There isn’t much to analyze in her expressions and so I skipped it. The important summary is that the chapter continues the relay race, notably where Natsume and Ruka are on opposing teams for the end, and Ruka was able to win, making him (in his own words) “number one” in Mikan’s eyes, if only for a moment. 

Mikan is very happy for him that he won, in any case, even if it means her team lost. It’s now lunch time and Mikan is insecure about her lunch, which is once again determined by star rank. When Ruka comes by, Mikan invites him to eat with the group of friends she’s gathered, especially incentivized by the greedy idea that they could pool and share their lunches.

Greedy, gluttonous Mikan.

But her friends leave. Koko and Kitsu are motivated by leaving Ruka and Mikan alone due to the circulating rumors that they are now an item, and Hotaru motivated by her desire to have her whole lunch to herself.

The class has taken Ruka’s victory and subsequent calling of Mikan’s name as a love confession, and that her happiness for him was a kind of response. Mikan doesn’t seem privy to this, but now people assume they’re going out. Unfortunately for Ruka, that’s not the case. Even though they’re eating lunch alone together, Mikan immediately asks about Natsume.

Not because she wanted to eat lunch with him, of course! Because why would she wanna do that? Aside from the fact that she misses him and wanted him to be on her team and all that nonsense. Instead she confesses that she’s worried about him. If Natsume isn’t eating lunch with his best friend, could he be eating lunch alone?

Sumire comes around to smother that concern, though. He’s with Luna, of course. No need to worry about him. Sumire whines about what Natsume could possibly see in Luna and all the time they’re spending alone--and Mikan’s expression falls. She’s back to being jealous, because for a moment she’d forgotten about Luna and her vice grip over every aspect of Mikan’s happiness.

Her sad little face when she finds out Natsume is with Luna ;-;

Sumire quickly changes the subject, asking if the rumors that Mikan and Ruka are dating are true. Mikan denies it adamantly and doesn’t really seem to mind Sumire joining them for lunch, though Ruka doesn’t seem like a fan of the idea. Sumire is only kept away by the invention of Koko and Kitsu who are content to help Ruka make his love connection.

I had said before that I think Mikan is very confused about romance. She will continue to be, obviously, but I think things are clearing up. For a while, Mikan was entirely oblivious to love and romance and how it intersects and differs from platonic affection. She went from only wanting to get it so she could fit in to getting the vibe that maybe Ruka doesn’t just see her as a friend. I’d said then that I think Mikan’s propensity to blush or behave the way she does stems mainly from confusion about whether or not her own feelings align with his. 

I think that she’s becoming less oblivious about the nature of her feelings. And at this point, I think things are clearing up: though she still cannot admit it to herself, she has feelings for Natsume and deep down she knows that the way she feels for him is not the same as the way she feels for Ruka or her other friends. He's always been different.

So no, Mikan doesn’t want to date Ruka at this point, so she doesn’t mind if someone else joins them for lunch. She still loves him, but the affection is platonic in nature. They eat lunch together, and I have to wonder if Mikan got her wish and was able to get some triple star goodies from Ruka’s lunch to satisfy her appetite.

When lunch ends, it’s time for the Borrowing Race. Lucky for Mikan, she’s only observing for this one since she’s already participated today. Mikan is excited to see some familiar faces in the race. For the most part, there’s a lot of chaos but not much real drama involved with this race, at least none that involves Mikan. She’s instead focused on Hotaru and her brother, so she’s distracted when one of the runners comes by to grab her by the wrist and start pulling her into the race. 

Who could it be!

She runs along, but she has no idea who this masked person is or what prompt she could possibly be satisfying for an apparent stranger. But it’s not entirely true that she has no idea who is pulling her along. Mikan is frequently oblivious or stupid--I’ve said that enough times already. She’s definitely not certain about who it could be, but I think she has a pretty good idea.

They arrive at the finish-line and Mikan tries to ask the person who they are, only to be distracted by the explosions of fireworks and words in the sky spelling out, “Person you love.”

A real actual love confession and the racer--Kusami--gets full points. 

But Mikan sees his earring and recognizes it. That’s not Kusami--it’s Natsume.

NATSUME LOVES YOU, MIKAN.

And he got full points. Which means that it’s a real love confession…

But he’s running off--just like he did in Chapter 77--so she has to chase after him again, just like she did before. All she wants is for him to stay beside her but he’s always turning and running away, and she’s always looking at his back. He’s too fast too, and is able to escape from her. 

Mikan finds out then that the Borrowing Race is over and the Red Team won, since her racer had turned out to be an imposter--meaning White Team lost penalty points. It’s like further evidence that Mikan’s gut feeling is right and that it was Natsume who confessed to her. 

Conclusion

This arc means so much to me. Pure jealousy. I love it. Tomorrow, we'll wrap up the Sports Fest and further dive into Mikan's feelings for Natsume. Everything will come to a boil and eventually, Luna will have to be confronted, once and for all.

I have officially written my whole essay. It's all done. So I'll post as often as I can to get all the parts out there, so this essay can be wrapped up and I can move on to new projects! I was particularly excited about writing this Sports Fest analysis, so I hope y'all have fun reading!

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 24)

Yesterday, we finished talking about the Sports Fest Arc. Though Luna has been dealt with, Natsume is still distant, and Mikan will feel the effect of this during this next transition arc.

This arc's purpose is to build tension and suspense for the upcoming monster of an arc. If any of the chapters leave you with a vague, unsettling feeling, that's intentional!

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Chapter Eighty-Nine

The Red Team won the Kibasen in the end, securing their victory in the Sports Festival. Often, at the end of an arc, Mikan will say, “[insert event here] ended safely!” but that will be increasingly not the case from here on out. Though things seem happy now compared to the frustration and jealousy of the previous arc, unbeknownst to Mikan, this is just the beginning of a long period of suffering. This current peace is incredibly fragile and due to break any second. The ESP is now suspicious that Mikan has the stealing alice, which will flavor the next transitionary arc as he tries to get confirmation.

Mikan my beloved always and forever (you deserve better than the character arcs ahead of you).

I really don’t want to get into all of the ins and outs of why I don’t care much for Mikan having the stealing alice, but my biggest issue with it is how much it overshadows her nullification from here on out, and how the emphasis changes from Mikan’s uselessness complex and insecurity to the taboo possession of the potentially dangerous stealing alice. Mikan’s “uselessness” insecurity isn’t really resolved yet, so it makes me sad that the arc is left hanging open for the sake of the stealing alice. 

Anyway, it is what it is, so we’ll be moving on.

It’s time for summer!

Class B has a new uniform for the season and things seem to have settled down. Everyone is getting along again and almost everything is back to normal…

Except for Natsume.

Everyone is gossiping about what could be up with him. He was more on Luna’s side than anyone else, but now that the truth about her deceitfulness has been revealed, his lack of apology or attempt to make up has confused everyone--leading some to guess that he might be upset with them for some reason. In any case, despite Natsume’s long-lasting popularity, he’s become a bit of a pariah since the Sports Festival.

But Mikan made the choice to believe in him, no matter what. She knows that he was manipulated and blackmailed like she was now, but his behavior now still bothers her. She concedes that he’s always kept to himself, but this is different from usual. Mikan knows that he’s not mad or anything--he’s purposefully isolating himself. She’s not hurt, just insecure and fearful about why exactly he would be isolating himself now.

When it comes to Natsume, Mikan has always had one consistent wish--stay stay stay stay stay.

Once again, Mikan’s intuition is spot on, and she has the feeling that Natsume might leave and he’s distancing himself to make his absence less felt. She tells her friends that she believes in him and that he wouldn’t act like this for no reason. 

“His every action makes me feel insecure,” she thinks to herself, which means that she’s keeping her eye on him and that she is increasingly afraid of what he might do next. Though everything else seems to have slid perfectly back in place, this issue with Natsume is front and center in her mind. I say this because even though Mikan doesn’t interact a lot with him in this arc, she will never stop thinking about him.

Natsume’s self-isolation isn’t the only thing amiss. This chapter also establishes that Luna is back to being despised by this class just like she was when she was a child, as well as the fact that Narumi-sensei has been ill lately and hasn’t been coming to class.

Mikan and her friends go to Central Town to buy gifts for kids with May and June birthdays, but she is distracted for most of the trip. Hotaru correctly deduces that she’s freaking out about the alice stones she was able to pull from her classmates at the Sports Fest and her suspicion that she might have a second alice. Hotaru fills her in on the New Year’s Arc, how her life was saved by a mysterious stone appearing in her hand--that there’s sufficient evidence to assume she has another alice in addition to her nullification.

Sigh...

Mikan is initially excited about this possibility, that she has two alices and that she might have to come up with a name for the second. 

A passing Goshima tells her that such an alice would be called a stealing alice, which takes over Mikan’s mind for the next few days.

Chapter Ninety

Again, Hotaru is able to deduce that Mikan is concerned with the other person who possesses the same alice as her: Yuka, the notorious member of Z, who hurt her friends. Mikan is able to glean that she must have some sort of tie to her if they have such a rare alice in common. But Hotaru tells her not to worry about it--that an alice isn’t necessarily bad just because one person who possesses it happens to be bad.

The only thing I like about Mikan having the stealing alice is mother/daughter connection. The rest is bleh.

Of course, we’re in a strange place now where ¾ members of the main group know that Yuka is Mikan’s mother, but Mikan remains oblivious. It’s interesting that her friends keeping this a secret from her doesn’t really make much of a difference. Of course, Tsubasa and Natsume knowing is crucial since they have to do what they can to avoid hurting Yuka in their missions to find her. Additionally, Hotaru and Ruka knowing means they are able to warn Mikan to keep her second alice a secret. Without that knowledge, Mikan might open up to the wrong person which would have disastrous consequences.

Anyway, these scans are terrible but I’ll parse out what I can. Basically, there’s a group of troublemakers who have been running rampant lately because Natsume--who had previously kept them in check--has now been isolating himself. As a result, chaos has been all over the school. Sumire leads the charge in catching them, but they end up victim to another prank, causing the usual suspects’ souls to shuffle.

Mikan’s soul has sadly shuffled into Bear’s body, so she’s not even human for a bit here. She is very upset about this. Ruka seems to think she’s very cute and Hotaru teases her, and Mikan quickly turns to those most sympathetic to her plight, which creates an odd image of Hotaru and Natsume’s bodies comforting a crying Bear. They find out that this shuffle will wear off eventually--they just need to stay in the same area in order to get to their bodies. Unfortunately, Bear rather likes being in Koko’s body and has run off somewhere, so now the group is chasing after him.

I'm just a big fan of this panel, I don't know.

Chapter Ninety-One

Mikan--still in Bear’s body--finds her best friend Hotaru--still in her body--and notices that she seems upset. This is testament to their closeness. So far in the past few chapters, Hotaru has demonstrated keen understanding of what must be taking over Mikan’s thoughts. And now, Mikan demonstrates that she can tell when Hotaru is upset. Though on the outside, Hotaru seems the same as always, Mikan knows her better than that and can discern that something is wrong. 

This is actually my favorite arc for their friendship.

Purely from Mikan’s POV, this scene is long and awkward for a bit there--Hotaru is quiet and not answering any of her questions. But then Hotaru hugs her, and it’s one of the only times (and I believe the very first time) that Hotaru initiates a hug with Mikan like this. Usually, Hotaru allows Mikan to hug her, or hugs her back after giving Mikan permission. But this time, Hotaru hugs her, and although Mikan is touched and happy to see Hotaru so affectionate, it’s even more evidence that something isn’t right, even when Hotaru assures her she’s fine. 

Hotaru is able to change the mood, telling Mikan that they’ll be best friends no matter what.

But their moment is interrupted by another soul shuffle. Lucky Mikan is back in her own body, but Hotaru is now in Bear. Koko and Mikan, now in their proper bodies, are the most stable and thus should be responsible for finding Bear and bringing him back. Unfortunately, Koko wants to spend more time with Sumire’s new personality, so Mikan is on her own.

Except that Yuu has one more thing to tell her before she runs off--about Natsume. While he was in Natsume’s body, Yuu was in terrible pain. He assumed it was because of the soul shuffle, but he doesn’t feel pain at all being in Sumire’s body. Natsume, who goes frequently to the hospital, has been hiding the fact that he’s in constant agony from the rest of the class. 

Always one consistent wish: stay stay stay stay.

Mikan doesn’t linger--she takes off to find Natsume. She has been guessing about Natsume’s alice shape for a long time and Yuu has just given her further evidence that she could be right. She’s been right about a lot of things lately, but this is one thing she doesn’t want to be right about.

She finds him quickly, but he turns away and doesn’t say anything, so his body must still be possessed, probably by Bear. Sound logic. She handcuffs Bear to prevent him from running off again, very proud of herself for catching him so quickly. But Bear!Natsume doesn’t want to move from the bench he’s sitting at, so he handcuffs himself to her and Mikan has no choice but to sit next to him for a moment.

This next moment is interesting because Mikan is the only one speaking. Usually, Mikan is the more talkative of the two, leading the conversation and being generally loud. But Natsume usually offers a quip or insult or some sort of snarky comment. This time, since he’s pretending to be Bear--or rather, just refusing to say anything and letting her come to her own conclusions--he can’t do that. He has to be entirely quiet and listen to what she has to say. Additionally, the fact that Mikan thinks she’s talking to Bear leads her to say things to him she wouldn’t otherwise confess.

This is the most honest she's ever been with Natsume and that's only because she doesn't know he's Natsume!

Mikan is in a grouchy mood, so she complains a little about how Bear and Natsume both share the same rotten personality, but the complaints lose their annoyed edge and her tone turns serious. Both Bear and Natsume are hard to understand, she confesses. 

Despite the fact that she knows it was Natsume who confessed his feelings at the Borrowing Race and despite the fact that she swore she would put her faith in him, Mikan is still insecure. She wonders if Natsume really likes her at all. Everything between them is complicated and she’s understandably confused. 

Mikan thinks she is currently talking to Bear, but Bear is a stuffed animal. He is not human and he doesn’t even speak. Really, in this moment, Mikan feels like she’s talking to herself. She’s finally letting herself say out loud and ponder the idle but pressing thoughts that have been plaguing her for a while now. It feels safe to do so, to finally be truthful about what she’s feeling--mainly confusion--because Bear is the one person who can’t really judge her no matter what she says. But it’s pretty huge that Mikan is even willing to think this, because, as we know, Mikan has been suppressing any analysis of her own emotions, especially regarding Natsume, from the very start.

But even though she’s finally voicing some of her thoughts, she’s not being entirely forthcoming. There’s still plenty of thoughts that she’s decided to keep to herself, namely what she really wants right now, which is to hear Natsume confirm something--anything. 

I love that even when she's being more honest and upfront about her feelings than ever, she's still holding back. Queen of Repression, this one, even more than Natsume and I stand by that.

So much of Mikan’s understandings about Natsume are inferences rather than solid facts. Either Ruka spills some secret or Mikan has to play a guessing game, but in the end, Natsume never says anything about himself. He never talks about his feelings or his past or what he’s up to. Mikan has to figure it out herself, and he has never stopped being a puzzle. Ruka sharing Natsume’s backstory was informative because she now has solid evidence that she isn’t entirely delusional about him, but Natsume still isn’t offering any reassurances. The alice stone may or may not be his. That confession may or may not have been Natsume and he may or may not have meant it. Natsume might or might not leave, but either way, he isn’t about to tell her. 

And she knows that he won’t. That’s what makes it all so frustrating--she knows him too well and Natsume hasn’t opened up about himself at any point in their relationship so why would he start now? Even her decision to believe in him was a result of her own inference and ability to discern that it was Natsume who had hugged her and thus that Natsume must be going through his own stuff too. So her faith in him, though she won’t be compromising on it in anyway, is still tied to insecurity. This new information about his health--again, given through another source and not the boy himself--only makes things worse. What if he really does “go somewhere”?

This is a really big moment for Mikan. She is able to open up, if only to Bear, but she still holds back. The last (and first) time she said out loud what she really wanted from Natsume, he rejected her in favor of Luna. She’s still not ready to be so vulnerable again, so she shares some of her thoughts but keeps the more fragile ones to herself. 

But when Natsume holds her hand, she’s taken aback. This was supposed to be akin to talking to herself, helping herself work out some of her issues, or at least letting them out. She hadn’t expected comfort or affection, especially from Bear.

But it’s not really Bear, is it?

I looooooove that Mikan and Natsume kiss and hug and hold hands all before becoming a couple. It's so silly.

There’s proof that it has been Natsume all along when the kids run by and scream that Bear has finally been found, but I think Mikan figures it out when he holds her hand. Like I said, Mikan has been basing all of her knowledge of Natsume off of inferences and other people’s accounts. She knows him very well because she has been looking closely at his behaviors and actions, because she has no other choice. If Mikan ever wanted to know him, she’d have to do all of the heavy lifting in the relationship, to pay careful attention to how he acts in order to get even the slightest idea of how he feels. She’s always looking closely, and I think she can tell that it’s Natsume holding her hand, not Bear. 

She and Bear aren’t close. They’re not friends. Bear has been nothing but violent and aggressive with her. Their best moments so far have involved deals and bargains, not genuine kindness or compassion on Bear’s part. This will change soon, but not now. Now, Mikan knows better than to think Bear would hold her hand after listening to her whine.

It’s Natsume’s body after all, and she had just been talking about him and how he’s been making her feel. It takes her by surprise, but she knows it’s him. He hugged her as an apology and he’s holding her hand to assure her now. It’s consistent behavior, and that’s all she has to go by, but it’s enough to know, even before the kids come running by.

They sit in silence for a moment after the crowd leaves. It’s awkward and tense for both of them. Now Mikan knows it was Natsume all along and she had just spilled so many vulnerable feelings with him. Moving on in this conversation will be uncomfortable. So, of course, Natsume leaves. He’s somehow able to uncuff himself, leaving Mikan on the bench. She could let him leave and continue to stew in the tense aura they’ve been living in since before the Sports Fest, but she doesn’t want to. 

Very bold for her!!! I'm proud of you, Mikan!

She is always looking at his back, always watching him leave. What she wants more than almost anything is to make sure he doesn’t leave for good, to keep him here with her. 

So she calls out to him. She knows she won’t get a full, emotional conversation with him about any of this (she's not ready for that either), but she still wants some sort of reassurance. She wants one answer and she wants to hear it from him this time. She asks him outright if he’s going to leave. Of course, she distances herself from that emotional fragility by using “us” instead of “my,” but we know to expect that by now. She’s already putting enough on the line by asking any part of it. She has to distance herself a little in order to get the question out. 

She thinks to herself that she just needs him to confirm that he’s staying put, that that’s all she’ll need in order to stay strong. She wants to think she’s being silly, that she’s overthinking it, that this one inference is way off base. She doesn’t want to lose him, or even imagine that losing him is possible. Mikan was able to use her alice all the way across the room because of that fear, had to confront the possibility again during the New Year’s Arc, and was just now forced to endure the Sports Fest apart from him. One of Mikan’s most consistent fears is the fear of losing Natsume, so it makes sense that this would eat away at her like this, that she would need to hear assurances from him that she’s making it all up.

But Mikan’s inferences have rarely been off base, least of all about this. I think she knows that too, that she just wants to hear a confident “no” regardless of what the truth is, just so she can put off thinking about it, just so she can be secure for a moment.

That's good enough for now.

And he gives her that, the “I’m not going anywhere” that she’s wanted to hear for a while now. He doesn’t give her anything else, but she never expected him to. This is enough, because now she can relax for a bit until this subject inevitably rears its ugly head once more.

Chapter Ninety-Two

One tense moment resolves, only to lead to another. Mikan sees Narumi against a tree, obviously in pain and suffering. Mikan is naturally concerned, so she approaches him and asks if she could call anyone. He dismisses her concerns and assures her he’ll be fine if he rests for a bit, but that evidently isn’t even close to the truth because he then falls unconscious. 

Narumi passed out gripping Mikan’s hand so she can’t run off to find help. She feels useless--such a novel feeling for her, right?--unable to do anything for someone she loves… yet again. Assistance comes from an unlikely place when Jinno arrives, telling her to remove his glove. She does and both she and Jinno are shocked to see his hand is rotting, obviously the work of Persona’s alice. Mikan recognizes the marks, and is horrified that Narumi was hiding this for who knows how long. Jinno voices worry that the marks have reached his heart and that he’s at the end of his rope and Mikan realizes what she has to do.

Nothing good, that's what.

She was told by Hotaru that she’d saved herself with her stealing alice when Persona had almost killed her. She knows then that her alice could do that again, for Narumi. But she was also compelled to keep this a secret, so using the alice in front of Jinno could cause problems.

Jinno has up to this point revealed no evidence that he isn’t loyal to the ESP or that he has his students’ best interests in mind. He could--and probably is, in Mikan’s POV--be affiliated with the fukitai and the oppressive systems here, more aligned with Persona and the ESP than the mysterious person looking out for her. But Mikan chooses to use her alice in front of him anyway, to put herself on the line and maybe even get in severe trouble, because saving Narumi is worth it.

Mikan is potentially sacrificing herself for somebody she loves here. She’s done it before and she will do it again, but this time is potent because when Narumi comes to and sees what she’s doing, he hits her. He doesn’t want the ESP to know about her alice, but Mikan cares more about saving his life than about whatever consequences this might have. Narumi hits her, probably for the same reason that Natsume told her he hated everything about her or that Hotaru left their village on short notice: to make her angry enough to give up on him. But that has never worked on her before and it won’t now. 

Makes me wanna cry, not gonna lie.

Mikan is not a masochist. She doesn’t love to be mistreated. She just loves so openly and unabashedly, choosing to love the sum of what a person is instead of just the shiny, pretty parts. She continues to steal Narumi’s alice even after he hits her because she loves all of him and even the ugliest parts of him can’t deter that. Last chapter, Mikan was scared to lose Natsume. Now she’s scared to lose Narumi. 

She doesn’t want him to leave “my--our lives.” This change feels different to me than her distancing from feelings related to Natsume. With Natsume, she chooses to be part of a collective so that she doesn’t feel as vulnerable sharing her insecurities. Even when it’s just her own thoughts, Mikan refuses to look too closely at her unique feelings for him. That’s not an issue with Narumi. She loves him and was even able to tell him so without a problem. Narumi has always been kind and supportive to her. They have had their ups and downs, but she knows that he cares for her and she’s not afraid to tell him how she feels. This change isn’t about distancing herself from the feelings, it’s about reiterating to him that she wouldn’t be the only one suffering if he were to die. “Our lives,” not just hers, because so many people love and need Narumi in their lives. 

She believes that, and she needs him to believe it too. 

I love analyzing comparisons, and the "my--our" thing just feels so different with Natsume than it does here. But of course it does. Natsume is always different.

But it’s not some epiphany on Narumi’s part that allows her to finish stealing his alice--it’s Jinno’s violent intervention and his command to her to steal it quick while Narumi is knocked out. 

When it’s done, Mikan starts to cry. Because of what almost happened, because of the emotional confrontation, because of how Narumi treated her… Because of all of it. 

Narumi hugs her, and it’s interesting that Hotaru and Narumi’s ploys to get Mikan angry are so short lived. As soon as she sees through them and acts on her own feelings, they give up. The ruse is over. Hotaru lets Mikan hug her, Narumi hugs her. Natsume keeps at it, though, because a small ruse is only part of a much larger whole. Mikan is constantly in this situation with Natsume, ignoring all the barbs and pain because she knows he’s hiding something important. This constant state of inference and insecurity is important because it will shift very soon.

Regardless, Mikan is exhausted. Not only has she used her alice, which is a physically taxing experience, but she’s just undergone an emotionally tiresome day. She rests in Narumi’s lap and all of his bitterness before has faded. What’s done is done. He will have to do what he has to in order to protect her from now on, and even Mikan knows that things will not be easy in the future. 

Gakuen Alice is a story about love in all its many flavors and variations (until the last chapter, that is).

It’s the rainy season, he muses. It’s almost been a full year since Mikan came to the academy.

Seasons are crucial to this story, particularly for Mikan’s arc. She has matured a lot since she came to the school, but she will continue to change and grow. We’re about to be in summer again, just like we were when we first opened this manga.

Conclusion

We're halfway through the transition arc. I'll try to post tomorrow. In any case, it'll be soon. We're officially halfway through the manga, but the next half should go by faster because after this point, there's plenty of "reactionary" chapters instead of active ones. There's nothing fun to analyze in "Oh my gosh! I can't believe this is happening to my mom in the past!" so there'll be some gaps.

I have finished this essay already, but I'm too lazy to estimate how many parts are left. I think we might make it to 35 because there's definitely more parts to Mikan's essay than Natsume's. Maybe. I don't know. In any case, I decided that I would make a table of contents post after I finish posting. That might make it easier to navigate for new and returning readers!

See y'all next time!

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 18)

Hey! I have a good reason for not posting on Sunday the way I planned. Partly. I was gonna, but then I remembered that I'd forgotten some of my notes at work and I thought to myself "Okay, I guess I can't do the post!" Seriously, I love doing these, but the actual posts are really annoying sometimes. Finding the pictures, trying to be funny in the captions... doing the fucking next and previous buttons. I hate doing those. Anyway!

I'm sure at this point we're more than ready to wrap up this arc, so let's do it, shall we? Mikan has just been hit with Persona's alice and it's not something one easily walks away from. Oh dear!

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Chapter Sixty-Eight

We rejoin Mikan at a pretty tense time. Her skin is newly covered in dark stains--the mark of death. She is in terrible pain. She is facing the news that she will die very soon. She’s already touched Persona, which means his alice has already done its job. As far as they all know, Mikan will die today.

Her friends are shocked, and so is she. These characters here are all children. Whether it’s finding out a friend is marked to die--or that you are--it’s not easy news to take. But they don’t even have the chance to fully process it because they’re still in an actively dangerous situation. Other than this news, there’s no real change here. Persona still wants to lock Natsume up, to destroy everyone’s happiness.

Even Yakumo protests against what happened, but Persona insists that it’s an accident, and that the school will agree, which riles Natsume up quite a bit. And before you start getting comfortable in the idea that Himemiya is one of the good guys, she reminds us that she is capricious and man-hating. She is so disgusted by Natsume’s behavior that she tightens the barrier on him. As a result, he doubles over in pain, giving Persona the chance to regain the upper hand through Nobara’s alice stone.

It’s important that Mikan sees this happen. Though she doesn’t know Himemiya is observing and pulling strings, she can see that Natsume is unwell, that he still hasn’t recovered from using his alice before. Mikan may not ever admit out loud or to herself that she knows deep down why Natsume is always ill, but she still knows. He is ill, and using so much of his alice, especially in a hostile area complete with a barrier, is not good for him. He’s fighting a losing battle. He can do all he can, but he’s not used to this environment, he’s already sick, and his alice is canceled out with Nobara’s alice stone anyway. He will lose.

Hotaru bravely tries to hit Persona, but she’s very weak while Persona is very strong. Ruka cries out her name (the real ones know why I mention that) and Mikan is able to stop Persona from attacking a loved one once more. Mikan is horrified that Persona would try to attack one of her friends again. She is always so stumped by the existence of the villains she encounters. She cannot understand why someone would do any of that, why someone would hurt somebody else. 

(I think it’s very interesting that Mikan once saw Natsume in the same capacity, as a villain who hurt her friends, who she could not understand, who she saw as entirely bad. But because she saw him in an initially dark light and then gradually came to understand him and see the good in him, he might be one of the few people she sees as layered and complex as opposed to being entirely good or bad. But it is mostly evil that she views as unnuanced, because malice is one of the only things that she cannot empathize with. She cannot understand why somebody would want to hurt somebody else, which is why Persona is so repellent to her here. I'll always love comparing the villains as they progress arc to arc--what sets them apart, how they get progressively worse, etc.)

It's really sad to me that this is one of the prettiest arcs in terms of art style and yet the scans just... burnt it all up. I'm crying.

The stains have spread across her skin and the pain has intensified. It’s important to note that her skin isn’t just discolored. While all this is happening, Mikan is in terrible pain. She is in the process of dying. For a moment, she’s scared that the stains might be contagious, so she warns her friends not to get close. Mikan is already terrified that she will die, but she is prepared to die alone, because she doesn’t want to drag her friends into the same fate. Persona informs her that the stains are not contagious and can’t spread, but Mikan is still scared. She’s still dying, and agonizingly so. 

“I don’t want to die,” she thinks to herself. “I’m scared.” None of those thoughts are surprising; anybody would react that way upon finding out their life is running out. Mikan, who couldn’t comprehend why Natsume would be willing to take his own life during the Reo Arc, values life more than any other character. Her own life is no exception. 

But that’s not what she says out loud.

Instead, she admonishes Persona for trying to use such a despicable alice on her friends. She can feel the pain after all. She feels how awful it is. The only thing worse than dying is knowing that her friends could have been in her position instead. She is not angry that he used his alice on her; she’s angry that he tried using it on them. She makes her bold proclamations about never forgiving him and refusing to let him have his way but he seems largely unmoved. She’s already at death’s door. Hasn’t she had enough?

Actually, y'know what, I was right (I'm saying this to myself--you're not missing something). Aoi wasn't around to witness Nobara, so we know these aren't her thoughts, even though it's tempting to imagine it that way because she's standing there. This is Mikan, thinking about the people who have looked out for Natsume... a precious person... Where's that one tumblr that made that annoying post about Mikan being with Natsume, not out of genuine love and affection, but out of pity? I just wanna talk. And give you canon evidence that you're sorely mistaken.

Yes, Mikan is already at death’s door, which is why she’ll keep fighting. She’s already doomed anyway. 

(Natsume has the same mentality.)

She is going to die anyway, so tells her friends to get out, to run away. They can escape while she holds Persona off with her alice. She’s a lost cause, so she might as well take advantage of it to protect the people she loves while she can. Mikan is scared, but what she says out loud is that she doesn’t care about her own well-being anymore. She doesn’t voice how she’s feeling because it’s not helpful. It would only worry her friends even more, when the situation isn’t anything they can help. If this would have proceeded the way Mikan imagines here, then she would die, by herself, scared and alone and in agony in the basement.

Her friends protest, but she is resigned to her fate, as much as it scares her. In Natsume’s corresponding essays, I made a lot of references to Mikan encroaching on Natsume’s habits, particularly to sacrifice himself at the drop of a hat. 

Yes, they are similar in some ways. Both Natsume and Mikan think pretty little of themselves. Natsume hates his alice; Mikan views hers as lackluster and unimpressive. Both of their alices are really only any good in situations like this--life or death: his to attack, hers to protect. Thus, they are both best suited to this sort of alice-use. They both prioritize others’ happiness over their own. Thus, Mikan’s behavior here seems to echo Natsume’s behavior all the time. But I think there’s some key differences as well.

Most of all, Natsume is suicidal. He’s always ready to sacrifice his life for a number of reasons, which I best summarized during the Reo Arc in Chapter Sixteen. Yes, he’s a trained soldier, so he is aware that missions can go sideways, that things can escalate, that people can end up dead. Yes, it was drilled into him that his value is conditional and that death is sometimes even expected of him, depending on the mission. But more than anything, Natsume is always prepared to die because deep down, he kind of wants to.

Obviously falling in love with Mikan complicates that feeling, but he’s always been resigned to the fact that he and Mikan can’t ever be together, so that’s not something holding him back. He knows he will die, so maybe his martyr complex is motivated by pushing things along and speeding up the inevitable. We know that Natsume has been, to some extent, ready to die ever since he came to the academy, so whenever he goes on a dangerous mission, he is acutely aware that he might die. His life is pretty meaningless to him and he seems to not understand just how important he is to other people (in roles far more profound than simply “protector,” such as friend, son, brother, lover, etc.), which doesn’t help the suicidal feelings at all. If he must die, and if he kind of wants to, then at least his death can come with the added benefit or protecting his loved ones, right?

Death in slow motion.

Mikan’s situation is a little different. Though it’s indisputable that Mikan has a self esteem issue, she certainly is not suicidal. Whereas Natsume might be resigned to death, Mikan is very obviously frightened here. He might have been acutely aware that he was potentially facing death by coming here, but Mikan definitely was not. Mikan still has an idealistic idea that things can work out, that people can be saved, and that everyone will be safe if she wills it enough. Persona’s alice taking the toll that it does is entirely out of left field. She never, in her wildest dreams, would have imagined this could happen, that she could die here. 

Her resignation isn’t related to suicidal ideation or even to giving up. Instead, it’s a sad kind of acceptance. As far as she knows, surviving Persona’s alice is impossible. She certainly doesn’t want to die, but she knows she will. After Pengy, she has come to terms with the fact that death is an inescapable risk during missions like this, so why should she be exempt? And she doesn’t want her friends to die with her. And so she tells them to run away, to leave her behind. She will fight Persona until she dies because there isn’t much else she can do in her state. Mikan is exhibiting a level of maturity she shouldn’t possess yet. She came to accept her imminent death in a matter of minutes, a difficult feat for grown adults, let alone an eleven-year-old girl. 

She wants to protect these people. We’ve been watching Mikan this whole time, really, so we know that Mikan’s desire from the beginning was to be strong, to be able to protect people, to be able to sacrifice something for the people she loves. That’s why she calls herself “selfish” for asking them to leave. She’s always wanted to sacrifice herself, and this is her chance to do that. If she can’t do it now, on her deathbed, then she will die never having done it (in her view), which means that letting her die in the manner of her choosing, by keeping Persona at bay and letting them escape, would actually be benefiting her. It would be selfish of her.

It is for this reason that I said earlier that this arc could be, narratively speaking, the final arc. When it comes to Mikan’s character, things could feasibly be wrapped up here. From the beginning, what have we been looking for? Figuring Natsume out--check. Seeing if Mikan’s alice could be “useful”--check. Watching Mikan finally sacrifice something--check. Most of the main themes established within the first few chapters of the manga are addressed within this arc. 

Of course, it’s not a very satisfying ending. We still have plenty of mysteries to solve and character arcs to wrap up, but for Mikan, you could reasonably argue that this arc could have been used to finish her story. 

In any case, it’s also important that when she’s visualizing her protection she’s thinking so much of Natsume. I don’t think Natsume is the only person she’s thinking of, or that she wants to protect him much more than her other friends. Instead, I think that Ruka’s story is fresh in her mind. Natsume has spent his entire life protecting others. Mikan finds this simultaneously sad and admirable. In some way she covets his effortless selflessness while at the same time wishing he could be protected too. This choice to stay with Persona satisfies both of those feelings. She can now be the selfless one while also protecting Natsume for a change. (These feelings are intermingled with the contrasting desire to live, and to stay with the people she loves forever, and yet only the declarations of protection are said out loud. The helpless and sad thoughts stay inside. Mikan can be many things but she will not allow herself to be remembered sad.)

Apparently, Aoi has a similar thought process of watching (or rather hearing since she can't see) others protect, particularly her big brother. She considers this her chance too. Besides, she knows Persona. Maybe she can get through to him? So she pleads with him to stop, appealing to the humanity she’s sure he has. He’d always presented himself as kind to her, a victim rather than an oppressor, which is why she’s so certain that this behavior is out of character for him. She is still not quite aware that she’d been played, that she was his victim all along too.

(And yes I do truly believe Aoi was played here. I'm not a fan of Nobara and Persona ending up together, but Nobara did see all parts of him and was still patient and empathetic with him and you could argue there was a degree of transparency with them, especially towards the end, despite the clear abuse she endured at his hands. Aoi, on the other hand, was fed convenient information to keep her docile and pliant. He lied about their relationship and erased Natsume from her history so that she didn't complain about being trapped in the same prison he spent his childhood in. Again, Persona knows first-hand how horrendous that dungeon is and he was not just complicit but actively involved in keeping another child there. His chats with her might in some small part have been driven by the motivation to keep her company so she's not as lonely as he was, but it's still primarily selfish manipulation done without a lick of self-reflection. There's really nothing endearing to me about the way Persona treated Aoi. I just can't with this guy, honestly.)

Persona--somehow offended by Aoi begging him to… not kill her new friends? (I’m joking; obviously I’m fully aware of Persona’s fucked up psychology, but that still doesn’t excuse or justify any of his actions so they’re still ??? to me.)--insults Aoi and pretty much tells her she no longer has value enough to live, same rhetoric given to Natsume. He moves to use his alice on her, and Mikan once more takes the brunt of his alice to protect Aoi, and to protect Natsume. 

(It’s interesting that Yakumo, who is perhaps the most solemn and serious member of the DA class yet, who takes orders like a champ and doesn’t deviate from them like Hayate or Rui did, is so horrified by Persona’s actions and speaks up against them. He seems most the quiet soldier type, the kind who follows all orders without question, and yet he still speaks up, protesting that Persona is going too far. I’m kind of sad that we get so little of him.)

Mikan has been told this whole time that one more hit of his alice and she would definitely end up dead. She doesn’t want to die, but Persona has been attacking her friends over and over again. It’s important to note that none of the times Mikan was hit were by Persona intentionally aiming for her. Each time, she made the conscious choice to put herself in danger to save a friend. The first time, she was unaware that her action would result in danger. The second time, she was more aware, but the situation still didn’t seem hopeless quite yet. But this third time, Mikan knows she’s signing her life away. This is perhaps the most informed of all three choices. This time, Mikan knows she will die, but she also knows that not doing so would be unacceptable. Not doing so would mean Aoi dies, and Aoi dying would be a tragedy because Aoi is a bright girl who deserves to live, but also because Aoi dying would mean Natsume suffers, and she cannot allow him to suffer anymore. 

Mikan tackles Persona and thinks of her loved ones: Jii-chan, her friends, Natsume, Narumi-sensei… She silently begs them to lend her strength. All of the people she knows and admires, who all demonstrated strength and sacrifice time and time again, help her convictions in this moment.

Never fear, Dad is here!

And the ghost of her father, whose presence she has felt before, appears to “lend her strength,” heightening her alice, helping his daughter. I am certain that Mikan can feel his presence now too, but she doesn’t know exactly what she’s feeling and she’s already so unwell, so close to death, that she probably isn’t in the state to analyze it. Mikan does it: she defeats Persona, who runs off screaming and crying at the impact of his own alice.

Then she falls unconscious.

Chapter Sixty-Nine

How heart-breaking that this chapter’s cover is an impossible scene, of Mikan with her mysterious father, her mysterious protector, her favorite ghost. At this point, the reader is only aware of Mikan’s father in a limited sense: the sensei Yuka loved, the teacher who made such a large impact in the lives of the students, who apparently did not kill himself, who had the same alice as Mikan, the same desire to protect. We know very little about him (and Mikan knows far less than even we do), but we know he loves his daughter. The chapter title reminds us that she was robbed of that.

Anyway, there’s a lot going on with her friends, but Mikan is unconscious for a bit, so we’re going to focus on her internal struggle. 

First, she is in excruciating pain. The stains are burning hot and she can feel her body desperately try to fight off Persona’s alice. She wants to live, and her body is doing what it can to keep her alive. 

Secondly, she can hear a distant voice, the voice of a woman, wishing for Mikan to be resilient, to be able to defend herself, to protect someone she loves. It’s so interesting that Mikan, on the brink of death, is remembering the vague memory of the beginning of her life, when her mother made that wish. So the memory of her father stops by to assist her in defeating Persona, and then the memory of her mother soothes her as she fights off the mark of death trying to kill her. Mikan, who has no solid memories of her parents, is still comforted by them when she’s hurt. Like I said when Hotaru was dying from that poisonous bullet, little girls want their mommy and daddy when they’re hurt. And Mikan, for all of her self-sacrifice and noble declarations of protection, is still just a little girl.

Did I complain about the scans earlier? That was rude of me. It can always get worse, you know. The TokyoPops definitely aren't perfect but damn...

In any case, Mikan is unconscious for a little while, until, while her friends bicker with the student council over the consequences of their actions, Natsume proclaims that it’s all his fault, so he should take Aoi and leave the school. 

It’s a fucking stupid plan. Everyone thinks so. I always cringe when he declares it and then Subaru and Sakurano instantly shut it down. Ugh. He can be a dumbass sometimes too. The martyr complex makes him an idiot from time to time.

But Mikan is awake and can hear him. Even in her weak state, she speaks up, asking if he’s really leaving the school. “Leaving us?” HMM. I have a lot of thoughts on this. 

First, I will admit that this chapter kinda bores me. It’s my least favorite part of this arc. I find it a little lackluster since most of the rest of the arc is so intense. Regardless, this little moment where Mikan asks Natsume where he’s going is one of my favorite little moments, even thought it only lasts two pages (shorter than their kiss, even, though I'd argue a lot of scenes are).

Mikan, who is currently in the process of dying, is so disturbed by the idea of Natsume leaving (even though she might not even be around to miss him), that she pulls herself up to call out to him and ask him if he’s serious. We already know from the Z Arc just how much Mikan hates the idea of being without Natsume. That wish to keep him with her was powerful enough that her alice could work from all the way across the room, even without the proximity or tackling she usually uses. But this time, it’s Natsume’s idea to leave. There’s no alice to nullify or enemies that she can currently vanquish to keep him with her. All she can do is ask him if he’s going to really leave.

She is to weak to actively follow the conversation, but talk of Natsume leaving is simply not acceptable.

And, of course, there's the fascinating fact that she says, “You’re going to leave us?” which is the safer thing to ask. I’ve talked enough about Mikan’s reluctance to make herself vulnerable with Natsume, to say the hard and scary thing. If you thought that hesitation might be lessened by her present condition, you are sorely mistaken! She has so far been dishonest with her feelings, even on the brink of death, keeping to herself how scared and hurt she truly is. So far she hasn’t confessed her fear with anybody. She can’t even phrase it properly in her head either, because even her own thoughts ask if Natsume is “leaving all of us?” You know what I’m about to say, because, yes, Natsume would be leaving everybody, but her most pressing concern is that he’d be leaving her. “Us” seems safer than “me,” just like “You’re ignoring people” or “saying people’s names all of a sudden,” so on and so forth forever. Mikan is people, whenever it comes to Natsume. She’d rather be part of a group that is affected by Natsume, rather than one person who loves him so much she can’t stand the thought of losing him. “Are you leaving us?” is a general question. Leaving the school, his class, etc. Is he going? “Are you leaving me?” on the other hand, is personal, vulnerable, heavy, and scary, perhaps even scarier to admit than that she might be dying. Facts versus feelings. It’s all very complicated.

Anyway, Natsume gets his plan ripped to shreds by Subaru and Sakurano, which is a huge relief, because that means he probably won’t actually be going anywhere (but how dare he even consider it, right? Especially because that plan was stupid and wouldn't have fixed anything). Ruka speaks up, declaring that Aoi shouldn’t be forced to stay at the school, held over Natsume’s head, when she doesn’t even have an alice anymore. This leads to Tono coming up with the idea to out the school as having kept a non-alice in the school against her will, which is very bad PR. (I also find this resolution so lackluster. A newspaper scandal solves this whole issue? What??? …Irrelevant.)

Everyone plays a role in sending out the paper planes, even dying Mikan, in order to liberate Aoi and clear Natsume’s name. In no time at all, their plan pans out and the kids are in the clear (though their actions will bear heavy consequences to come). Mikan watches Natsume and Aoi on the TV, and because her reaction takes a whole sparkly panel, I think it’s noteworthy. 

So apparently these scans aren't just lackluster, they're also out of order! Crim and I were noticing that when she was helping me with translations. In any case, special shout out to Crim for always being so helpful! Without her, these essays would be inaccurate and sorely lacking!

Mostly, I think Mikan is relieved here. Their plan worked, which means Natsume can stay here after all. He won’t be leaving her, which means he can stay by her side for at least a little longer. Whether she can admit it to herself or not, whether she’s even aware of it or not, Mikan is in love with Natsume, and, as a result, the idea of him leaving in any capacity is deeply upsetting to her. Finding out that the plan to keep him here is working is thus a huge relief. 

The chapter ends with Mikan’s condition getting worse and a stone appearing in her hand. Though, to be honest, I think that her condition was “getting worse” because it was peaking before she started getting better. When you’re sick, the bacteria or virus attempts to hurt you from the inside. Most symptoms of sickness--in whatever form--are actually the body’s own defense. A fever is the body’s way of burning the disease. Vomiting is the body’s way of forcefully expelling it. Persona’s alice isn’t a disease in the same way that a virus or bacteria is, but he’s still making her ill, trying to kill her. And her body is fighting back.

So finding out that her fever is spiking is a good thing, because it means her body is fighting even harder to keep her alive. The fact that she first utilizes her stealing alice here is further proof of her fierce desire to live. As a NatsuMikan shipper, I like to believe that her earlier relief at Natsume being able to stay might have given her the last push she needed to fully save herself. There’s no real proof of that, other than the order of events (first we see her watching Natsume on TV, then we see her save herself with a dormant alice she didn’t even know she had), but I’m still inclined to believe it.

Chapter Seventy

I won’t analyze the conversation the others have about Mikan possibly possessing the stealing alice. It’s not relevant to her or to NatsuMikan. I’ll talk more about Mikan, the stealing alice, and her relationship to Yuka later on when it becomes more relevant.

For now, we’re skipping ahead in time to a week later, when Mikan is finally up after a period of healing. Once again, a big adventure “ends safely,” with all her friends (and her!) alive and well. She’s reunited with her classmates and feeling just fine despite Persona’s many attempts to murder her. She and the others aren’t allowed to talk about what happened at the Hanahimeden, though, which is one major downside. Their punishment is being postponed due to a lack of evidence, but that’s just the formal side of things. We know, since we’ve already read this story (presumably? It would be weird if you were getting all your GA info second-hand from me!!) that the ESP is planning on punishing the kids in his own way. 

Must be a miracle.

In any case, today is Aoi’s release day, when she will finally be reunited with her father after almost three long years. Her memories have been fully restored and her blindness has finally been cured (proving once more that Persona was telling her lies in the cage about having to wait until she earned the right to be cured). Aoi sees Mikan for the first time and they share another sweet moment of connection (why couldn’t Aoi have stayed to join Class B??? Grr!!!), where Mikan assures everyone that’s just fine now, though she has no idea how. 

Tono, Hotaru, and Tsubasa have joked to her about her “taking” their alices, references she doesn’t understand. Ultimately, despite what others may think, Mikan regards her recovery as a miracle. I think it makes sense that she would too, since she was able to defeat Persona with the miraculous aid of a ghost (whose presence she certainly felt even if she couldn’t analyze the situation), so why couldn’t that same ghost, or that mysterious woman whose voice she heard, have helped her get better somehow? Mikan is certainly the type to believe in miracles, because Mikan believes in happy endings. If logic and reason or skill and willpower can’t acquire the happy ending, then divine intervention will. She believes that good will prevail. Even now.

Natsume points out that this was supposed to be a small, quiet affair, saying goodbye to Aoi. But everyone wanted to see his little sister, and they also, according to Koko, wanted to know if he was really going to leave with her.

Mikan watches Natsume, suddenly worried all over again. Aoi will be safely returned to her family, but all of Natsume’s actions, including coming to the academy in the first place, were motivated by protecting his sister. If she’s no longer here to be used as a bargaining chip, then will Natsume leave with her, or try to escape somehow? She is genuinely worried that he will say yes, that he will leave after all. And Mikan really doesn’t want that. 

“Is he leaving everyone?”

“Is he leaving us?”

Higuchi Tachibana sticking with this evasiveness of Mikan's when it comes to Natsume (an evasiveness she doesn't have with any other character) is so important, because it makes the moments where she's honest so much more potent. I say this because the Sports Fest is on the horizon...

I don’t know why “us” would be the emphatic after “everyone,” since they refer to the same generalized plural, other than for the exact same reasons I outlined in Chapter Sixty-Nine. When she says “us,” she means “me.” But it’s not easy to admit that she wants him to stay by her side, or, on the other hand, to admit that his leaving would feel like she was personally being left behind. Regardless of what she is or isn’t willing to admit to herself, that’s certainly the concern here.

But he announces to everyone that he’s not leaving. That should be a huge relief because Mikan was genuinely so worried that she’d parted from him, but it’s still not a happy moment, because if he’s not leaving, that means that he won’t be spending anymore time with Aoi, with whom he was only recently reunited. It’s still sad for him, even if Mikan is happy that he won’t be leaving her.

Aoi asks everyone to take care of her brother, voicing gratefulness that she was able to meet everyone. She regrets that she couldn’t be their classmate (and she speaks for me as well, because I have no idea why she couldn’t be! Have her stay! Why even introduce her in the first place if she’s just gonna be written off right away? I don’t get it.). She and their father will make a happy home, where they will be waiting to welcome Natsume so he can have a happy life with them. And then Mikan watches as Natsume, Aoi, and Ruka reunite with their parents. Mikan knows their story, particularly how Natsume never even got a proper goodbye with his father. She is moved to tears by the reunions.

Is it her? I think it's her. Even with her denial, her thoughts are so loving...

There’s someone’s thoughts saying “Natsume, Natsume,” and I can’t help but assume it’s Mikan, who is just happy to see him finally get something good happen to him. He saw his father again, was reunited with his sister, and was finally able to say a proper goodbye to both, after all this time. It feels like a victorious moment, like a win, and for her too. Mikan fought so hard in the Hanahimeden to secure Natsume’s happiness. All she wanted that whole day was for Natsume to finally get what he deserved, for his suffering to cease. It seems like she’s finally achieved her goal. 

She wonders aloud if she’ll see her grandpa soon (sooner than you might imagine, Mikan…), which causes her to panic about the ESP’s postponed punishment. Hotaru tells her that her biggest concern should be to behave from now on, because even the slightest slip up could result in a demotion of star rank, which means Mikan could end up a no star again!

Cute!

Ruka throws his stars away, declaring that he’s now a no-star too. It’s a symbolic gesture--he’s still a triple and will still be treated as such--but he’s simultaneously challenging the stupid hierarchy that chained Natsume down to begin and aligning himself with Mikan to both comfort her and rebel against the school. 

What this means for Mikan is that her situation is different now than it was when she first came to the school. She’s now close friends with all her classmates. They’re all willing to help her out and be on her team. Whatever may come next, she won’t be dealing with it alone. They will be by her side. 

Even Natsume, who’s smiling brightly now just like everyone else.

(So she really did do it, huh? Secure his happiness by reuniting him, however temporarily, with his sister? Or, you know, by being the love of his life. Whatever works!)

Anyway, I said I had notes, and now that the arc is finished I can share. I said at the beginning of this essay that seasons play a meaningful role in Mikan's story. Starting with winter, moving into summer, then tasting the cruel loss of autumn, and now back to winter.

"[W]inter represents sorrow, struggle, and of course death."

Quite obviously, Persona is a clear mirror for the most negative aspects of winter. He threatens to take Natsume away from her, promising loss and loneliness, especially so soon after Mikan realizes just how at place and accepted Natsume makes her feel. Furthermore, his dangerous alice is inherently related to death and decay--when he uses it on Mikan, it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that she will die. Thus, Mikan goes through a struggle of her own, ultimately choosing her friends' safety and Natsume's happiness over her own life, though it's not an easy choice to make. Persona represents the evil school in this arc, too, so Mikan finally understands the school's capacity for malice here, in winter. Though you could argue before that the school was mainly fun and games with the occasional screwup, now the corruption and deceitfulness of the academy are undeniable. Evil is more clear now, especially to Mikan, than ever before.

Additionally, we have Natsume--a lonely, dark, emotionless, sad, evil character. Except, that's not an apt description, is it? This Discovering Natsume arc let us explore his depths. Winter is as much a Natsume season symbolically as you can get, which is why we get his backstory here. Though we--and Mikan--know Natsume better than to trust anything directly on the surface. He, like winter, may appear harsh and cruel and even evil, and Mikan finds herself at odds with him a lot in this season, particularly with his confusing and mysterious motives. But she's misunderstanding him, just as people misunderstand winter. Winter is not evil. it is not cold to cause suffering. It is necessary to face the cold chill of winter in order to meet the warmth of spring. It has to be done, however unpleasant, so winter does it. Similarly, Natsume is cold out of necessity, not sadism. Mikan finally understands that and via this understanding, she's finally able to see just how lonely he's been, how dark and despairing his life has been. There's really no better season for the arc than this.

This arc wraps up the winter season, more or less. The next arc is a transition arc, which means I won't be talking about seasons. Nonetheless, I'll discuss spring during the Sports Fest, summer during the Escape Arc, and then winter again... all in due time.

Conclusion

This arc ended pretty "safely," though there's plenty of questions about the consequences of the kids' actions. What will happen going forward when punishment seems so certain? Who's to say? Additionally, now that Mikan has "discovered" Natsume (though there's more to come), her feelings will start cementing. She already loved him, of course, but it's becoming undeniable, even for her, though she will do her very best.

I take notes on these at work, yes. I ponder a theme and take notes--literary notes. I write little musings or I doodle or I look through random Wikipedia rabbit holes, but I usually play sudoku. Recently I had the idea of learning Japanese so I spent all of my Friday shift practicing hiragana. I made a pretty handy color coded chart that I'm proud of. We'll see how it goes. I want to learn Japanese for many reasons, but I won't lie that one compelling reason is my desire to finally play the GA game I've had for years now that I can't play otherwise.

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 26)

The real action begins today, and we'll start to build up towards false climax to this story. This arc is long, and we'll undoubtedly jump around a bit, though less than in Natsume's version. Though it might seem like love would take a backseat in such a stressful arc that all takes place during one night, that's entirely not the case!

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Chapter Ninety-Six

We rejoin Mikan after the events of the last chapter, her head out her window, watching Natsume leave, concerned about both him and Tsubasa. 

Then, it’s the next day, and Mikan is at school like usual, getting back into the swing of things. She sees Narumi for the first time since she stole Persona’s alice from his arm. She rushes to embrace him, emotional to see that he’s okay after that whole ordeal. Like I said, there’s a theme of potential and real loss in this arc, with the threat of Mikan’s loved ones being taken from her. Each person she doesn’t lose is a relief, and I think that her concern about Tsubasa and Natsume added to the emotions she feels here. At least she won’t be losing Narumi-sensei.

But he has something to tell her, something that will have to wait until after classes. He asks her to hear him out and take him seriously, and by that alone Mikan knows that whatever he has to say will be important. But she trusts him, so she smiles and agrees easily.

The tie back to the letters chapter at the beginning; him requesting trust and her giving it easily. I don't know.

The sad thing about this little period of time now is that Mikan knows she’s on thin ice, that she could fall through at any minute. She’s aware that things have been changing and that they are due to come crashing down soon. Everyone else is planning around her, and with zero coordination, with Yuka and her posse planning one thing, Narumi something else, Natsume trying his best, Hotaru and Ruka keeping their own secrets, and the ESP planning on taking her for himself. When it does all crash, Mikan is swept away and overwhelmed by it all, understandably. For all of her anxiety about what’s to come, she is by no means prepared for any of it.

After class, Mikan is in a hurry to see Narumi again to hear him out like she agreed, but she runs into Luna, who uses her alice to cause a commotion regarding gossip about Mikan having the stealing alice. It escalates when rumors start that Mikan is actually Yuka’s daughter, related to someone who was a traitor to the academy and stole the students’ alices. 

This is more than just bullying--Luna is trying to trigger Mikan into using her stealing alice to protect herself. Though her friends are already trying to do what they can to protect her, Mikan is still put on the spot, forced to confront nasty rumors about her parentage, alice, Tsubasa--

And it’s when they insult her favorite senpai that Mikan gets angry enough to finally act. Although she sure didn’t like being insulted, it’s only when they start trash-talking Tsubasa that she gets really pissed. (It’s very sweet.)

Though Mikan doesn’t get the chance to actually do anything because Misaki-senpai is there again, beating the bullies up and dragging Mikan away to safety.

Heart-wrenching!

“If Tsubasa was here, he’d surely do this,” she tells Mikan, and Mikan is touched to be so thoroughly loved and cared for, to have a reminder that Misaki-senpai and Tsubasa both care very much about her and that she has allies who will protect her no matter what.

But they don’t get far before one of the Luna-controlled bullies reaches his hand out to hurt Misaki with his alice. Mikan doesn’t have a choice this time, because she always does what she can to protect the people she loves, so she nullifies his alice. 

This scene in particular highlights Mikan’s protective nature and her willingness to do anything for her loved ones, in this case Tsubasa and Misaki, who always look out for her. This is her way of sticking up for them for once, to pay back the endless support they always give her. Last summer, Mikan wanted to be the kind of person who could sacrifice things for the people she cared about, who could protect someone she loved. This summer, that’s exactly what she does, starting with protecting Misaki.

She tries to defend herself but she gets taken away anyway, grabbed by the fukitai to the ESP’s office. They don’t care that she didn’t really use the stealing alice. They don’t care that she acted in self-defense. There’s no Goshima tricks here, nobody to swoop in and lead her back to safety. This time she’s caught for real. The dominos are falling.

 She has a lot of friends who are concerned about her, naturally, so a fight will start to build up without her, but for her. In the meantime, Mikan is taken to the ESP’s office, who has been patiently biding his time for this very moment. He’s waited a long time for a chance like this, so he seems deceptively pleasant, smiling at her as he welcomes her to the DA class. His hand was forced, apparently. He wanted to take a little more time, but his enemies were about to start making moves, so he had to act before them. 

The cat’s out of the bag: Mikan’s stealing alice is revealed and she’s now in the snake’s den, the worst possible people now know her secret. The DA class, Persona, and Luna are also there to welcome her, though everyone remains quiet except for the ESP, because this is his show. Everyone else in the room is nothing more than a pawn. 

But being your favorite isn't usually that great, is it?

Narumi rushes into the room right as Mikan and Luna are fighting, apparently in an effort to demonstrate the stealing alice to the ESP, who is watching with glee. Apparently, Mikan made a fuss when she was brought in, and why shouldn’t she? She’s not the type to tolerate mistreatment and even if it was an authority like the ESP, she’d stand up for herself anyway. 

(And then the ESP praises “the girl [Narumi] brought into the Academy,” and how devastating for Narumi, who had been acting in his self interest when he first enrolled Mikan without knowing that only a year later he’d do his very best to get her out of the school, realizing too late the mistake he had made.)

The ESP’s ecstatic reaction to watching Mikan steal Luna’s alice is pretty disturbing. We can see from just his laughter that Mikan would not be having an easy time in the DA class (not that any DA kids do…), especially since he called her his “favorite.” It’s always the favorites that are given special treatment… and that are treated the worst at the same time.

Luna is furious that she’s been humiliated in front of the principal and demands that Mikan return her alice, and then Nobara is commanded to capture Mikan with her ice alice. 

It feels like a helpless situation, and the ESP even confirms it. No matter how hard Mikan fights, she can’t escape this fate. It’s the end. This is her new life. Nobody will help her. Not even Narumi can do anything anymore. It’s done.

Luna attacks her, and it does feel hopeless, like the ESP might be right, that nobody can help her and that she’s doomed.

But then Luna’s hair suddenly catches fire and Mikan is pulled away from the immediate danger by an unlikely ally--Hayate… who isn’t actually Hayate, but rather Natsume wearing a wig.

How ridiculous that they didn't even notice "Hayate" was just Natsume in a wig. Do they just usually pay that little attention to Hayate that he could be Natsume in a wig most of the time and they'd never pick up on it? Little Hayate musings.

Chapter Ninety-Seven

Mikan stares at Natsume’s back because he is once again surprising her, countering her expectations. He’s there to protect her, to save her, to keep her from that doomed fate. Apparently, the ESP even tried sending Natsume on a mission to keep him away from this scene, but he’d managed to sneak his way in anyway. 

And Mikan asks why he’s here and is obviously confused and overwhelmed.

Narumi, a teacher, couldn’t help her.

Why should Natsume be different? He’s just a child. What can he really do? Just by standing there? Can he do anything? Does he even know the trouble he’s about to be in? There’s no way to escape. He’s just doomed himself along with her.

All valid points.

Until Natsume starts talking.

“Shut up.” Off to a great start. 

And the mask is off this time. Natsume’s not hiding behind a teasing pretense anymore. He has no reason to hold back anymore, so now Mikan has to hear the truth, what she has wanted Natsume to say during the Sports Fest, what she was afraid he would never feel. NO MORE PRETEND.

Natsume is not just rebelling, he’s rebelling for her, not any other reason. Because he loves her, and he says so, in front of everybody, in front of her. He makes a vow of protection, and Mikan can only stare.

Confirmation, Mikan!

And if we don’t get Mikan’s responding thoughts to that, it’s because we never do. Just “Natsume…” That’s all she can say to herself, to us. My theory is that hearing it right from his mouth was such an overwhelming shock, especially when combined with everything else going on, that she doesn’t have the mental capacity to process his confession, something she might not have been able to process on a good day anyway. We know how repressive she can get.

Mikan avoids all thoughts that make her uncomfortable, that freak her out, that confuse her, that put her on the spot. Natsume’s confession does all of that when she’s already thoroughly uncomfortable, freaked out, confused, and on the spot. So she doesn’t respond and she doesn’t even say anything to us that might suggest how she feels about hearing the confession. We can only guess, and my guess is that she’s OVER THE MOON to hear it.

After the Borrowing Race, Mikan really wanted the masked person to be Natsume. Her biggest concern was confronting him about it, but she was going to. And we know that she was devastated when Luna said Natsume was watching from afar. She didn’t think about who else it could be, just that she was upset it wasn’t Natsume. Because she wants Natsume to love her and always has. He’s telling her--and everyone else here--that he loves her now, and I can’t imagine that it doesn’t make her happy to know that after everything, she was right all along.

Natsume uses his alice and it’s clear he’s gonna try to escape with her. Nobara is commanded to stop Natsume’s flames and keep them from running away. Mikan and Nobara have always had a deep connection, bonded by feelings of uselessness and insecurity about their alices. Even though they’ve only met a few times, Mikan cares deeply about Nobara. And now Nobara is the only person who can help or stop her and Natsume from escaping. 

So much happening at once!

Mikan always thinks of herself as useless, and it’s sad to see her have such a low opinion of herself when she makes such a difference in people’s lives just by being kind, by seeing the value in others, by making friends indiscriminately. If Mikan weren’t so kind, so friendly, so sweet, Nobara might not have acted in defiance against Persona. 

Mikan knows that Nobara will be in trouble for assisting them, but they can’t linger, so they escape with Narumi, though Luna follows for a while, still trying to get her alice back. 

Natsume and Mikan run while holding hands, Narumi accompanying them. Mikan is preoccupied with the chase and with concern for Nobara, who put herself on the line for her. Yet again, Mikan can’t linger on any one thought because something else is always happening. They’re being attacked, then rescued, then separated from their classmates who rebelled on their own at the same time, separated from Hotaru--

How is Mikan supposed to be able to think about anything when everything is happening all at once? I think it makes sense that Natsume doesn’t get a response or even acknowledgement of his feelings right now.

They keep running, and Natsume uses a lot of his alice fighting off enemies, until he suddenly collapses and there’s one more concern added to the mix. Natsume brushes it off, but Mikan is obviously concerned about his condition. He tries to get Mikan and Narumi to go on without him, but Mikan won’t hear it. They couldn’t take Nobara or their friends along with them, but she won’t leave Natsume, especially in this condition, to be fodder for the fukitai while she runs away.

And Narumi plans around it anyway, switching places with Natsume, as he should since he’s the adult and a teacher whose job it is to protect his students. He’ll keep the fukitai busy while Natsume and Mikan escape. Mikan doesn’t really like this option either, hesitant to leave a loved one behind, but Narumi is an adult and he seems to know what he’s doing, telling them they’ll meet again at the Hana Hime Den. 

It’s finally time for Narumi to tell her what he’d meant to say earlier: he wants to run away from the school with her.

He’s making sense. The school’s not safe for either of them anymore. He’s an adult who has already made the arrangements for an escape, transportation, and housing outside. He’s a teacher she loves and trusts and once even called “Dad.” He doesn’t expect an answer right away because of how harsh the prospect is, but he insists she considers it--a hard ask since she hasn’t had much time to consider anything--and he runs off.

Mikan is forced to cope with a lot of choices tonight, and this is just the first of a long string of them. She might have to leave the school, leave all her friends, leave Natsume.

She's always counted him as separate, but that's as much confirmation that she loves him too as we're gonna get for a while.

I think it’s interesting that Natsume is a separate part of the equation. She still doesn’t reveal much with her thoughts, but the little hints we get are a good insight into how she’s feeling right now. Mikan has, as we’ve already discussed, always viewed Natsume as “different.” The feelings she has for him are unique and this uniqueness has always confused her. He never fit the role of “friend,” the way her other classmates did. For a time, “partner” was the convenient label, a connection in nothing much but name until it was a connection that couldn’t be named, especially when the “partner” label was taken away. Now Natsume is just Natsume, in his own category. 

So Mikan doesn’t want to leave her friends, her classmates, her senpais, her teachers… her Natsume, who is his own thing.

Chapter Ninety-Eight

Though Mikan doesn’t want to leave Narumi on his own, Natsume is tugging her along anyway, asserting that Narumi--the adult--can take care of himself. Natsume dutifully takes her to the Hanahimeden as agreed and Mikan can only think about her concerns for the friends she’s been parted from. The pursuers seem to be gone, so it’s just the two of them now, Natsume holding onto her hand. 

Mikan is taken out of her preoccupations when Natsume finally speaks, asking her if she’s really gonna leave with Narumi. He doesn’t really wait for her to reply either, telling her that he wants to take her hand and escape with her himself, if only he were an adult. That’s the only reason it’s not the two of them leaving right this second: they’re both helpless, powerless children.

Natsume doesn’t usually say such sweet things. Mikan has been recently confronted with Natsume being oddly honest and open with her, telling her how he feels. He has nothing holding him back anymore, after all, so why not be honest? Mikan still hasn’t responded to his love confession, and this is just an extension of that same feeling: I love you and I don’t want to leave you.

There's so much going on here...

She tears up and looks at his back (like always, like always, like always--because even if he’s honest, he always confesses these things with his back to her). All she says is “Me too,” because she has her back to him too (metaphorically). She can’t say more than that. “Me too,” to all of it, without saying all of it. She’s still not ready to say it, to think it. “I don’t want to be separated; I don’t want to let go of this hand,” is something she keeps to herself. She’s just echoing his own thoughts, and that’s important because there’s no point tonight where her feelings don’t perfectly match his. He doesn’t want to pass her onto someone else? She doesn’t want that either. What else has he said tonight? Whatever it was, she feels it too, but “me too,” is all she can say for now.

For now.

They’re brought in to meet Himemiya, who shares instantly that Hotaru will be sent out of the school for a couple years on a trainee program and that Ruka, who is labeled as a leader of the rebellion, will be seriously punished for his role. Both Natsume and Mikan are confronted by the collateral damage of their standing against the ESP, with Himemiya asking if Mikan is prepared to face the consequences of her actions. I think that’s a fucked up thing to say to a child, but whatever. 

What’s the alternative here? Going along with the status quo here means allowing the ESP to use Mikan as he sees fit, something nobody can tolerate because it means returning him to full power and living forever this way. But Natsume didn’t tolerate it because he knew Mikan would be terribly abused if she joined the DA class, and though no teachers cared about him getting abused, he would step in to help her. 

One thing I've learned from writing this essay is that I really dislike Himemiya, LMAO.

What’s the alternative, Himemiya? Fuck off.

Chapter Ninety-Nine

Shortly after this needless and cruel conversation with Himemiya, Mikan reunites with Hotaru, who was rescued by Hayate. They hug and finally Hotaru addresses her transfer, something she’d kept to herself for a while. 

Hotaru completely refutes Himemiya’s nonsense about this being Mikan’s fault. Hotaru doesn’t blame Mikan, so Mikan shouldn’t blame herself. Everyone rebelled because they believe in Mikan, because they want to support her and what she stands for. Hotaru is Mikan’s best friend. She’ll always be in her corner. 

Just like Natsume was being honest, it’s Hotaru’s turn. For all of her acting like Mikan is a nuisance, she’s treasured every moment they shared at the academy. Whatever happens going forward, it’s not Mikan’s fault. She asserts that this separation is temporary and different from last time. They’re communicating about it now, for one, and Hotaru knows it won’t be forever. They will definitely see each other again. 

I like how Himemiya says that nonsense and then everyone afterward just quickly rebukes it.

And Mikan agrees, but she wishes none of this had happened, that they could go back to the way things were, so she didn’t have to be separated from Hotaru, so she could grow up with her and live a normal, happy life by her best friend’s side. It’s a similar wish to the one she had for Natsume. Not wanting to be separated. They’re both precious to her, and the main driving thread here is the strong wish that there was no need for a rebellion, that there was no danger to run from. 

Again, the theme here is loss. First there was Natsume, a false alarm, then Narumi, saved in the nick of time, then Tsubasa, still a mystery. Now, both Hotaru and Ruka’s fates are up in the air and Mikan is faced with the sudden reality that she might lose the people she cares about most. The ESP’s Christmas warning feels more potent than ever. Nothing is safe.

Mikan’s attention is brought to one of the alice stones around her neck, particularly Sakurano’s, because she’s “resonating” with him, meaning that he’s calling for her. One of the alices in the stone is teleportation, and by holding onto each other, Mikan, Hotaru, and Natsume can all be teleported to wherever Sakurano is. 

Himemiya says one more cryptic thing before they disappear: “Say hello to your mother for me.” 

Poor Mikan gets so much strange information at once, little vague comments about her mother, Hotaru leaving, Natsume loving her, Narumi planning to take her way--all so much at once. It’s hard to keep up with it all, so she can’t linger when they end up in the High School Principal’s office, facing Sakurano, Subaru, and Narumi, who is safe after all. Nodacchi then teleports with Ruka in tow, so the four are finally reunited. 

I think we can all agree that we should've had more of them as a friend group instead of just a group of people who are all in love with Mikan, only tied together by that fact. The latter is kinda boring to me, not gonna lie.

Chapter One Hundred

Hey guys. We’re officially at the very long part of the manga where things get technical and lore-heavy, with emphasis switching onto the past, and then in a more broad sense, into “running away” and escaping, which… is fun and all but not fun to analyze for me. SO, just like with the Natsume version of this essay, I might not have many things to say about each chapter. Thanks for understanding.

Mikan is meeting her uncle for the first time, the man behind the curtain who has been pulling the strings to protect her to the best of his ability the whole time. (I can only imagine how irritated he was with Narumi for bringing her in to the ESP in the first place.) He also breaks the sad news to her that her father passed away before she was even born. But there’s no time to have a chat about it. This is a dire situation and Mikan needs to get out of here and to safety immediately, specifically with her mother, Azumi Yuka. 

This is a shock to everyone--Narumi isn’t happy to hear this--but Mikan just got several bombs dropped at once. One, her long-elusive mother was Yuka, who stole her friend’s alice and was involved in another friend getting shot with a poison bullet. Two, she’ll be escaping with this person, and not Narumi or Natsume or anybody else she knows, and spending the rest of who knows how long with Yuka on the run. Third, these arrangements were all decided for her without any of her input.

It’s all connecting. Her mother, that woman, the Z member… 

It’s a lot to take in, as if she wasn’t being confronted with enough shockers. 

You don't want to? That's not something they're really prioritizing, Mikan. That's not something they ever prioritized.

Mikan pipes up that she doesn’t want to run away with Yuka, a person who for all Mikan knows has done nothing but damage. She also doesn’t want to be the only one protected and looked after. Her friends are in danger too!

But Himemiya is even further rebuked (why did she say that? So shitty.). This whole endeavor isn’t about protecting only Mikan. Everyone would be in danger if the ESP got his hands on her. Mikan is a weapon the ESP can’t be allowed to have access to. She isn’t expected to understand right away, but she is expected to comply, and that’s where her friends have issues.

Natsume complains that Mikan shouldn’t just be lectured; just because they’re on the same side against the ESP doesn’t mean the kids will cooperate with them. In his mind, they’re a unit, the four of them, and they won’t just obey blindly to everything the adults say. He didn’t rebel just to fall into line again with a new set of adults. That means a lot to Mikan, to have this group of people who are primarily interested in her safety and well-being, whereas the adults in the room seem to be more preoccupied with the greater good. 

He demands they be properly convinced, so that even he could agree to allow Mikan to go with Yuka. Ruka chimes in with something similar, that Mikan has been through enough and should have a say in what happens next. 

“The one who will choose is Sakura, not you adults.”

I think Ruka taking his future "rejection" so well is tied to his utmost respect for her agency that he demonstrates here. She has the right to choose and he will always respect that. Any and all fanfic that have Ruka behaving in any other way are grossly misinterpreting his character.

This is a pretty important line, in my opinion, because it relates to how important it is that Mikan has agency in this situation. For most of the manga, Mikan has been oblivious to everything. Narumi personally withheld her alice from her until she underwent a dangerous and unnecessary entrance exam. She was enrolled without knowledge of what she was sacrificing, namely contact with her grandpa. She was unfairly targeted and then wasn’t even given information about why she was targeted. Though multiple people already knew that Mikan was Yuka’s daughter, this information was kept secret from her. Her own stealing alice was kept a secret from her for months before she figured it out on her own. She was after that told to keep it a secret too, without being given an elaboration as to why. Mikan has for most of the manga been an unwitting puppet, kept oblivious to things that directly concerned her, for the sake of the greater good.

Mikan hasn’t had agency up til now. She hasn’t been allowed to make her own informed decisions. She’s been lied to and manipulated, particularly by adults who think they know what’s best for her. This moment is important because her friends are standing up for her, claiming that she should have the right to choose what she does next. She should be given all the relevant information and allowed to make a decision for herself. For fucking once.

Agency is such a huge part of Mikan’s story that it genuinely sickens me when people brush it over, including Higuchi Tachibana herself. Mikan’s agency is important in lots of ways, particularly regarding her life and what she does with her alice and school life, sure, but her love life is a part of that as well. And I feel like Mikan’s feelings and choices in regards to romance are frequently disregarded or even not considered at all, and I have a huge problem with that.

The one who will choose is Mikan, thanks! (And she does!)

I get a little antsy from here on out when it comes to this story, but we'll carry on, because there's nothing else to do.

In any case, the HSP agrees to this, telling Noda to take the kids on a trip to the past to find out more about Yuka. They still don’t have time to discuss it in depth, so this time traveling will be a compromise. After Mikan has seen everything she needs to see, she will be able to make her own decision for what comes next.

Conclusion

Poor Mikan gets confronted with shocker after shocker in this arc and all in one night with very little time to process anything. The fact that she'll somehow get around to addressing the love question tonight with everything else going on is actually impressive! But not yet. Next time, we'll delve into Yuka's backstory and how it affects Mikan.

I always find these initial chapters before the Time-Travel Arc pretty fascinating from an analytical stance, and there's a lot to say about everything here, but the chapters afterward get a little less so. Thus, less consistent analysis. I will do my best!

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 39)

I'm sorry. What lies ahead is more of a rant than anything else. It's not required reading in any case. Feel free to read if you want my take on the specific reasons why this ending is so lackluster.

We've come really far to get here, though! If you've read every part of to this, that is CRAZY. I think it's crazy someone would write so much about this, and I was the one who did it. Maybe we're both crazy.

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Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Eight

Time to meet Mikan! A second-year high school student living in a village near the ocean who lives with her grandpa and a strange bear. She has two friends who don’t seem to wear the uniform. Her life is simple, from the outside.

But she is a person shrouded in mystery! Even to herself! She has lost two whole years of memories due to an illness she had as a child. In her mind, she suddenly went from being in the fifth grade to entering middle school, which must have been jarring for her. All she knows is her grandpa, an ever-present bouquet whose flowers never wilt, and a teddy bear who came with a letter from a mysterious sender, whose name has been redacted. But this bear is not a normal bear! He is animate and can move and clean (and beat her up). The strangest thing is that it only moves in front of her and her Jii-chan. Mikan’s reputation in the village has been affected by this strangeness in her life. She is viewed as being an odd girl, a bit of a space case. 

Mikan is the crazy girl in the village. I would have loved to see more of that...

It seems Mikan has always been a weirdo. I speculated at the start of this essay that Mikan didn't always fit in with kids in her village, and it seems that's still the case now. Where Mikan thrived was Alice Academy, where she was surrounded by fellow weirdos, where she made amazing friends and bonds that would last forever.

Despite the bear’s strangeness, she is very close to him. He’s a part of the little family she has with Jii-chan. 

Mikan may be a strange girl surrounded by strange things, but she is an optimistic and cheerful girl who likes to look forward to every new day. 

At the end of the school day, Mikan’s teacher warns his students about mysterious disappearances and suspicious people in town. All of the victims seem to be girls Mikan’s age, so the police warn against teen girls walking by themselves. Mikan finds this situation strange since their town is so peaceful and idyllic, and doesn’t seem like the place for a string of kidnappings. The teacher freaks out and insists on Mikan paying attention, shaking her by the shoulders and telling her to take care of herself or else he’ll have to watch over her 24/7… which is gross. Get away, Mikan!

Seeing her get harassed isn't enjoyable though. I hatE her stupid friends. Gross. Creepy. Unsettling. One of her friends is a grown man in disguise. I want to rip his head off.

Mikan leaves school crying after that ordeal and her friends just laugh it off, teasing her for being the teacher’s favorite and what bad luck that must bring. I don’t find it funny but nobody asked me! In any case, her friends write off their teacher’s concern because of Mikan’s cuteness, which she seems to love hearing.

Clubs and afterschool activities have been canceled because of the kidnappings, so we have a sense of how dangerous these events are. 

Someone calls out to her on their way home--a boy who wants to talk in private. Her friends muse on how many guys confess to Mikan despite her “common” looks--and I must reiterate again how important it is to me that Mikan is not some drop-dead gorgeous model like Nobara or Hotaru are clearly made out to be. Also her friends suck. They figure her mystery might be attractive to boys, and that might be true, but I think her sweetness and bubbly energy might also play a role.

He does indeed confess to her and Mikan apologizes, citing her ignorance in the world of dating. She thanks him for liking her but turns him down. Her rejection of him is not personal at all, and thus wholly non-offensive. She doesn’t seem uncomfortable or put off by his affections, and I think that might soften the blow of her rejection a little.

Her friends scold her for turning him down, since he’s smart and in a prestigious club, and Mikan concedes that he did seem cool, but that she won’t date for anything less than love. They continue to bully her for rejecting him when love comes after dating, and Mikan sees their point, especially because she hasn’t had her first love yet, but she is sure, somehow, that she did love someone during the time she lost. As a result, whenever she talks to a boy, no matter how impressive or cool he seems, she always compares him to that feeling of love she still carries with her, for a person she doesn’t even remember. 

Ah, the consistent endurance of love. The question of whether love is something that can be forgotten or whether it becomes a function as natural as breathing or digestion. For Mikan, it seems to be the latter. She remembers that she was--is still--in love with someone, and dating carries no interest to her if it can’t compare to that feeling. 

The love is certainly not past tense, either, because she still feels it--an ache, a pain, a lonely feeling. She misses this person. 

There's potential here but no follow through. What we get is just endless disappointment.

They stop by the ocean and Mikan relishes the moment, always happy to see the sea, as if she is watching it for someone else too. She recalls feeling that way watching the snow fall, looking at the sky, feeling happy like she was watching for somebody else, and then explicably crying, unable to stop. No matter what she does or experiences, her heart is pulled to that love.

And what do I think of all this?

It’s pretty confusing, the way it’s written. It’s no secret I fucking hate these chapters, and there’s a lot of reasons, but this scene is something I can’t relish in because it can be read a few ways and I can’t help but feel like I know which is the way Higuchi intended it. 

It’s pretty clear from the blurry panels of forgotten memories that Mikan is thinking of multiple people as she stares into the ocean, thinking of Hotaru as she stares at the snow. And yet, this whole monologue of hers seems to be thinking of one person. What does this mean?

Well, primarily, I think Mikan’s amnesia mixes the love up, and I feel l want to believe that’s narratively intentional, that Mikan loves and misses many people, but can’t parse out that fact. Instead it feels like she just loved one person that much that everything reminds her of a love she can’t remember. 

In my opinion, this love is varied, because she loved a lot of people in different ways: friends, family, Natsume (who has always been different). I think she is put off by romance because of her enduring romantic love for Natsume, but it’s not only Natsume that she thinks of when she sees the ocean. Mikan loved so many people and now she misses them, all the friends and teachers and classmates and family she met and lost. It would make sense then that amnesia!Mikan might look at the moon and think of Natsume, or at the stars and think of her mother. Maybe she hears a violin and misses Sumire, or cries whenever she studies because she wishes Yuu was there--all without actually remembering the person, just the love. As a result, because she knew and loved so many people, she would get reminded of that love whenever she does anything. 

What puts me off about this is the rest of this arc and the unproportional emphasis on Hotaru. I already hate the choice to have Hotaru save Natsume so her fate hasn’t actually been sad to me for a few years now--just deeply annoying and pointless. I am of the opinion that Mikan entering the academy was a change for her, that she was a weird girl in her old village, who didn’t have many close friends until she met Hotaru. Then she went to the Academy and was able to make many friends with people who loved and accepted her. She finally found somewhere she belonged. 

These ending chapters, thus, should have been about her enduring love for everyone, how the bonds she made at the Academy were impossible to forget. Instead, the reunion with Natsume and her entire class is condensed to one chapter--and very little of it is pleasant--with the entire final chapter being about Hotaru, as if to make the point that despite all of the love Mikan gathered and gained, Hotaru is still the person she loves the most, and by a huge margin, almost to the point where her other loved ones don't really matter at all.

AnyWAY, the kidnappers have found her and Mikan is terrified and confused. A mysterious explosion seems to save her from the kidnappers, and when she looks through the flames, she can see the silhouette of a person in the distance, a silhouette that makes her heart beat faster. She instantly becomes overwhelmed, because now it’s not just external events confusing her; she’s confounded by what’s going on inside of her head too. 

On the other side of her, another man knocks the kidnappers out with his hand powers. And that makes her heart beat too. But Mikan assumes her discomfort around this new man is because he must be part of the kidnapping group. 

Reminding myself that this is a ship essay and that Higuchi gave me a couple crumbs to work with... There's just not even enough to make a crouton with.

Then it turns out Shi-chan is actually Goshima in disguise and if you aren’t touched or particularly interested in this redemption, join the club! The “Goshima has been by Mikan’s side for years, protecting her” idea means absolutely nothing to me when it all happened in one condensed chapter, when he’s been seen bullying and even physically hurting her in his girl disguise, and when I never really cared about Goshima as a character to begin with. Too little, too late, too weird. I find this off-putting, actually. Whose idea was it to trust Goshima with anything after he’s been established to not be trustworthy, just for the sake of giving him a chance to “redeem himself”? For all the nonsense about Mikan having to forget everything just in case she gets targeted by enemies, they sure did take a huge risk letting Goshima anywhere near her after he knowingly caused her mom’s death.

Anyway, Mikan is overwhelmed and confused, because her close friend just turned into a man and there’s a lot of weirdos around and they’re talking about stuff she doesn’t understand--

And then she bumps into someone as she’s backing away, someone who instantly grabs her hand and pulls her closer.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Nine

Her heart beats fast again, and for some reason, looking at this guy makes her think of that feeling of love she had mused on before, how she somehow knows she was in love before. Somehow, just looking at him and touching him, makes her feel like this stranger knows her, makes her feel something strange and yet unbearably familiar. She knows she’s felt this before--

The potential of this! It's almost interesting but it only lasts three seconds, so who cares?

The stranger gropes her chest.

But of course he does! This arc SUCKS! There’s so little good about it, why would the NatsuMikan reunion be any different??? I am ANGRY. I HATE this arc, not even joking. I’m not exaggerating; I genuinely hate this finale.

Anyway. 

She starts freaking out--understandably--that this stranger, who made her feel feelings she was sure she wouldn’t find with any of the other guys who confessed to her, felt her up out of the blue for no fucking reason. She starts screaming for help but he seems unbothered. All of the strange men seem unbothered, actually. 

Then, to make matters even worse, three new weirdos arrive. I don’t know why they thought it was a good idea to ambush her with so many strange people at once, all of whom are men, right after she’d been almost kidnapped. They talk about and at her without her knowing them and it’s uncomfortable. If you think I only dislike Natsume’s first actions with her here, you’re wrong! All of it is thoughtless and inconsiderate. 

Who thought to themselves, “Y’know there’s a string of alice-related kidnappings near Mikan and she’s been warned not to walk by herself because these are predominantly male attacks on young female victims her age, so we should make sure to save her with an all-male team of suspicious characters who are sure to act strangely and frighten her”? Because whoever did is a fucking idiot.

Why am I surprised though? It’s one of the teachers for sure, and the Academy staff hasn’t impressed me much this whole manga. 

They seem to know her name and talk about her like they’re familiar with her, which only freaks her out more. She lays eyes on a blond person who is supposed to be handsome and princely according to her thoughts (but I always despaired about how the finale boys look more than twice the age they’re supposed to be and are bizarrely broad). 

But they all voice the same sentiment that the blond boy brings up: they have missed her and wanted to see her for a long time. They’re going to take her away. 

Mikan considers this: a group of strange men appears at just the right time to save her from kidnappers, and they claim to be friends from a time she has forgotten, and now want to take her away from home. 

She starts to run away, horrified, because obviously these guys are also kidnappers!

She despairs about why her life has to be so messy and mysterious, just as that gropey guy jumps in front of her to stop her from escaping. They make eye contact and the build-up here is that something drastic might happen, that she wouldn’t be off-base if she assumed he’d attack her somehow.

Instead, she is embraced by this stranger, and she’s taken aback by the sudden and uncalled-for sweetness. Until he starts screaming at her that he isn’t about to let her go. He says more cryptic stuff about searching for her endlessly, about how it felt to wake up without her, how hard he had to work to stay alive for this moment, that she shouldn’t have forgotten him.

And poor Mikan can only stand in his arms and listen, overwhelmed but undoubtedly touched somehow. 

“Even if you have forgotten your memories, and the alice stone you had back then, you are mine.” 

Mikan starts to cry, remembering that she had once been in love with someone, that she had turned down every guy who approached her because no matter how cool or handsome they were, they could never compare to that feeling of loving someone so much--a feeling that she only feels in this stranger’s arms. 

Ahh...

Without understanding why, she hugs him back and cries in his arms, thinking about how she feels with this crazy dude she just met, her entire body overcome with electricity, with the “painful intensity of love.” Yes, love, for someone she just met. Love, for someone she’s loved for a long time, even though she’s forgotten him.

Because even though his name and face and all the memories with him have been forgotten, the love she has for him has never budged.

She cries and hugs him until her attention is drawn to his pocket, where something is flickering. He pulls it out to show her, a little pebble. He puts it in her hand and it is instantly resorbed, and WHOOSH!

She starts to cry. Because she remembers everything now! Just like that!

It’s almost as if having her lose all her memories two chapters ago didn’t actually MEAN ANYTHING! The lack of build up to this moment, the all-over-the-place quality of these chapters… it just doesn’t feel as exciting as it should.

It all just feels pointless. Or at least it does to me. Like. What was the point?

She says Natsume’s name as she cries, instant relief at being able to see someone she was sure she would never see again, someone who had maybe even died. Yet here he is, right in front of her, alive. She has recovered her memories so now when Natsume hugs her again, it’s not out of the blue and she instantly reciprocates. 

Insert witty or sappy comment here.

She is then greeted with an onslaught of “What about me?” and “Do you remember me?”, which she answers in the affirmative for all. 

This whole scene is pretty rushed and unsatisfying but Mikan has a happy reunion with people she loves and now remembers. 

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty

I don’t relish analyzing these chapters because I hate them. There isn’t much to analyze, really, but there is a lot to critique and I don’t like being negative about Gakuen Alice, so I prefer to just ignore these chapters whenever I can. In fact, most of the time I'm able to forget these chapters enough that they don't feel like a part of canon at all to me, giving me the opportunity to consider alternate and better endings. I like very little that is offered here. These chapters just piss me off, and that sucks because I set out on this essay because I knew that the manga has so much to offer in terms of intelligent story-telling and this ending just messes it all up.

It is apparently a miracle that Mikan has managed to regain her memories, even if it’s a small portion of what she’s lost (and that feels pointless too). But Mikan is sure she didn’t cause the miracle, because she heard a voice when she resorbed the alice stone that wished she’d regain her lost memories. That girl’s voice set off a big wave of memory, apparently. So it wasn’t even the alice stone. 

Apparently, even though she was surrounded by people she loves, nobody’s voice or appearance unlocked any solid memories, but Hotaru’s disembodied voice does? Now, I don’t like that at all, personally, because to me it seems antithetical to Mikan’s character and undermines the love she has for everyone else, both her romantic love for Natsume and her platonic love for her friends and family. This last chapter irritates me so much, in fact, because it seems to be making the point that Mikan doesn’t just love Hotaru the most, but that she loves her so much more than everyone else, and those kinds of revelations being shared openly in front of everyone else who loves her just rubs me the wrong way and gives me a gross feeling.

I find it hard to picture that Mikan’s love for the others couldn’t even come close. It’s stupid.

I'm so mad. Mikan, didn't Jii-chan teach you any manners? What the actual fuck would make you say something like that in front of all these people who love you? That's so annoying. This chapter is not canon to me, I'm sorry.

She even says she “always loved that person more than others” IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HER. All these people who have been missing her and waiting to see her, and she just says “I love someone else way more than y’all!” like it’s no big deal!

And that’s why I dislike the scene in 178, where Mikan talks about her overpowering love for one person. Because to Higuchi, this isn’t an amalgamation love thing, it’s focused solely on Hotaru, implying that sure, maybe Mikan is happy to see all her friends again, but the person she’s cried over and missed for all these years is just Hotaru. It sucks, man.

Mikan was a lonely person before she went to the academy. Sure, she went to chase Hotaru, but there's so many bonds and relationships she built while at that school, with teachers, with classmates, with her upperclassmen, all people who impacted her and changed her and made her better. People she cried about leaving, people she didn't want to forget. People she was willing to lock herself in a labyrinth to save, people she would have put herself in danger for.

This final chapter says those people don't matter. The only person who matters or has ever mattered is Hotaru. It makes me feel gross, because that's not the story we've been reading.

Anyway, they all fill her in and Mikan has to deal with Goshima, who murdered her mom, and we have to watch yet another moment of her blindly forgiving someone because holding grudges is bad! Then again, Mikan apparently doesn’t even remember her parents, so her forgiveness isn’t entirely informed by actual memories or feelings, just the general vibe that Goshima is nice now and shouldn’t feel bad about murder anymore. 

You're a creep, Goshima! Who the hell would trust you, that doesn't even make sense! It's not "mercy", it's stupidity. Let him prove himself in some other way, not with the duty of protecting your niece, the daughter of the woman he killed. All of Shi-chan's actions are ten thousand times worse when you keep in mind that was actually a grown man.

“Everyone needs to smile!” and just get over whatever bad stuff happens, I guess. If someone wrongs you, you have to forgive them, or else you’re just being a negative nancy!

SHE EVEN ENDS UP APOLOGIZING TO HIM for not appreciating how much pain HE was in! I HATE THIS ENDING SO FUCKING MUCH.

“Let’s just forget about it!” I hate this ending.

There’s absolutely no attention paid to pain, to suffering, to abuse. There’s no respect given to characters like Natsume who underwent horrific trauma at the hands of abusive teachers, a character who might not feel as inclined to forgive as Mikan is. There’s no appropriate time spent considering these feelings. There's no care here. Instead, Higuchi’s narrative implies that bad things should be forgotten and you should in fact apologize to those who wronged you for not realizing they’re in pain!

(I actually did reference this in ATRAD, so if this seems familiar, that’s why. I put a lot of emphasis on Luna and forgiveness, and Mikan’s feeling as if she should forgive because that’s what she’s supposed to do, and what would bring happiness to everyone else. I specifically talked about it because of how much it bothered me in the manga.

“Well, Luna and I were talking about the past issues here.” Kuonji gestured between the two girls. “Now, Mikan, we all know that what Luna did was horrible. Luna knows better than anyone that it was wrong. She’s talked to me about it and I think it causes her more pain than it does you, knowing that her actions caused you pain.”

“She tried to kill me,” Mikan muttered. 

“Now, imagine how she feels, knowing that?” Kuonji said gently. )

I feel no desire to talk about this boring information that gets dumped on us all of a sudden in the last chapter. What’s the point? It’s irrelevant. This is the LAST chapter of Gakuen Alice and it’s used as an information dump to justify the nonsense that’s happening, that undermines everything else. What’s there to analyze?

Whatever.

It's a combination of things. I hate Hotaru's role in this end. I hate Mikan's behavior in this chapter. I hate that nearly every page in this chapter is text heavy and loaded with new information that has no place in a finale. I hate that nothing matters. They all deserved better.

Mikan is reminded of Hotaru’s name and she has a little breakdown trying to get why that name is the only one on her heart (WHAT???), when she meets even more people--including Shiki, and she’s told that Mikan is crucial in the efforts to find this Hotaru person. Mikan is again brought to tears when she hears Hotaru’s voice wishing her a happy birthday, recorded on mushrooms that Ruka has kept all this time. 

Mikan is then given a choice: to leave with these people as a quasi-Alice, to help save Hotaru, or to forget everything again and go back to her normal life.

The fact that anybody is concerned about what she’ll choose is fucking stupid.

It’s not even a choice. Obviously we know what she picks.

But her reasoning is for some reason entirely about Hotaru, and saving Hotaru, when all her other friends are standing around her hoping that this isn’t the last time they see her. THIS PISSES ME OFF.

She then meets all her other classmates all at once. Randomly. It’s rushed, it’s not heartfelt. It feels like things are being done just to finish them. The only thing of any value is the memory that Mikan wanted to see the ocean with everyone when things at the Academy become better. And it looks like things are better! So they’re all together at the beach! Yay! I don’t care.

It’s time to go on a trip to save Hotaru! Right away. Like right now. And even though Mikan is reuniting with everyone she’s loved at the Academy, the only one who actually matters is Hotaru for some reason. 

I remember looking through the raws of this chapter when it first came out and the empty, stirring feeling in my stomach. The lack of interest I had in anything that was happening visually, the huge bubbles of text, the presence of way too many characters. This should go without saying but I didn't actually read any translation of this ending until years after it came out. I've probably read these final chapters 3-4 times total since they came out. They're just not important to my experience of this story at all.

Do I like Mikan chasing after Hotaru at the end just like she did in the beginning? Hmm. No. I hate it. I hate Hotaru saving Natsume for Mikan’s sake. I hate Hotaru being stuck in time-space. I hate Mikan acting the exact same as she did in the first chapter, as though she didn't grow or change at all, as if all the love she’s gained with other people doesn’t compare at all to her love for Hotaru, downplaying how much everyone else means by a lot. I hate the open-endedness. I hate that none of the reunions hold any weight and none of them make me feel anything, not even the NatsuMikan one.

ME. I don’t feel ANYTHING in these chapters but annoyance. I’m the kind of person who cries just thinking about Pengy or Natsume and Ruka’s backstory. I cry all the time. I cried watching House almost every episode. I cried watching the lamest romcoms known to man. I cry everytime I watch a true crime documentary and everytime a mom says "I'm proud of you" to her kid on TV and everytime I look too long at my cat. I cry about fucking EVERYTHING. And Higuchi didn’t make me feel fucking anything with the finale to her manga. 

I’m sick and tired of these chapters. They’re not canon to me. They feel disrespectful to me and annoying and I hate them. I prefer Kageki, or even better--imagining an entirely different ending, particularly because of Mikan. Anyway.

It’s no secret, I think, that I hate the GA finale. I am not a big fan of the way Natsume’s death was resolved, or how Ruka’s arc was left hanging open, or how Hotaru got trapped in space time. I don’t like that everything that happens to Mikan in the end doesn’t even matter, that everything in the ending is pointless and results in no change, no development, no consequence. 

I’ve said before that I personally can’t write unhappy endings, but I can sometimes cope with them in other people’s stories if that’s the best resolution for the characters. GA is a strange example of an ending because it wanted to have both a happy and unhappy ending, which just resulted in it being a meh ending at best (and excruciatingly irritating at worst). The ending insults all of Mikan’s non-Hotaru relationships and all the readers who liked them. The reunions are all rushed and thus none of it makes an emotional impact. 

The worst part, in my opinion, is that the chapters leading up to this finale (so the last couple dozen) aren’t much better because they lend a hand to this. Character arcs are the most important part of a story’s narrative in a work like this. This manga has been incredibly well-written up to this part, particularly in regards to most of the main four having well-defined arcs. There’s three types of character arcs, I think:

Character evolution would usually refer to any kind of change, but for the sake of clarity, for this, I’ll use it as a positive change. Think of a character who has trust issues. Character evolution would mean that he eventually starts trusting in people. The story would climax with his trust in someone being tested and him choosing to trust anyway. That’s what character-based storytelling is all about, fulfilling someone’s character arc by addressing their faults and obstacles.

I’ll use the term character “devolution” to refer to a character arc where the character has a negative arc progression. Technically, this is character evolution as well, just of the negative variety, but for clarity’s sake I’ll call it devolution or deterioration. Let’s say, there’s a character who just wants to protect her younger sister. Over the course of the narrative, her actions become more and more drastic and she does increasingly atrocious things in the name of protecting her sister until she’s become something akin to a monster, maybe even the story’s villain. A well-written character arc does not have to be focused on positive change.

The last type of character arc would be… none. Some characters are called “static” which means they stay the same throughout the story. The story isn’t circled around testing them or pushing them into developing. Characters like this are more involved in challenging other characters.

I think Hotaru is more or less a static character. She becomes a little more open with her emotions, sure, but the little changes she makes are almost imperceptible on a narrative level. If you look at the individual arcs and think about Hotaru’s actions, she rarely plays an active role. She is usually a catalyst for Mikan’s actions, or a strong supportive role. It’s what her character does best because that’s just what static characters do! I don’t think there’s much wrong with characters like this, and people use “static” as a negative term way too often, but I strongly believe Hotaru would make that same sacrifice for Mikan in chapter one that she makes at the end, which makes the action less potent. Mikan’s desire to be able to sacrifice comes from being inspired by Hotaru’s sacrifice. Hotaru doing what she’s always done as the climactic action in the manga sucks out all the narrative potency from the ending when there’s two characters with unresolved arcs. Hotaru would have worked best in a strong support role here, and I think it would have been more meaningful to have Hotaru chase Mikan rather than the other way around again. 

I’ve seen that referred to and praised as some kind of narrative bookend or parallel, but to me it always felt lazy, like there was no real change to Mikan or Hotaru’s characters for all of these almost two hundred chapters. It rubs me the wrong way, and maybe that’s because I’m focusing too much on character arcs and narrative, but hey! That’s what I was trained to look at in college, so I can’t change this about myself.

Exhibit B is Ruka, who I think was pushed to the side unceremoniously and whose arc was completely ignored. Yes, I did mention character devolution. It’s possible that a good arc for Ruka would look like him being faced with the opportunity to save Natsume and, despite his very best efforts, not being able to, or even making things worse inadvertently, suddenly feeling like he’s received proof after all these years that he truly is a burden. That’s a sad arc progression, but it works narratively. It would seem strange in a work like GA, which tries to be positive, but it works. But he didn’t get that. Ruka is too easily escorted from the action, from the climax, entirely sidelined. Ruka’s arc is pretty clear--what his biggest issue is and what he needs to change about himself in order to live a successful life is painted for us from the beginning. He’s not static like Hotaru, especially because his character arc is brought up multiple times in multiple arcs and he makes a little progress each time, as a way to tease a huge event on the horizon where he will be fully confronted with his burden complex. He is not given this opportunity and the spotlight is ceaselessly handed elsewhere, making his character inconsequential when it comes to Natsume’s death. A spit in the face.

The only character whose arc seems perfect to me is Natsume’s, funnily enough, but only to an extent. Natsume dying for love is perfect for him, and I believe that ending his arc any other way wouldn’t be as meaningful to his character. This has been set-up from the beginning, almost as if fate has commanded that he would die no matter what changed in his life. And that’s great because we see him change his perspective from Chapter 16, when he’s happy to kill himself, relieved that his suffering will soon be over, into his eventual death, where he can’t accept that his life is over because he doesn’t want it to be. He does everything he can to save Mikan, but ultimately when death comes for him, he doesn’t really want to go. That’s PERFECT! The thing that ruins it is Hotaru rescuing him for Mikan’s sake. Natsume’s martyr complex throughout the manga reveals to us just how little his existence means to him. He always comes dead last to himself and what he needs is other people choosing him first and making him feel like his life is significant and means something other than what he can do for others. Hotaru saving him puts his actual existence dead last. She doesn’t save him for him, but because of Mikan. Hotaru doesn’t really care about Natsume, so when she saves him, it reinforces the idea that Natsume exists for other people, that all he’s good for is what he can give. The absolute WORST part of that is that Higuchi Tachibana didn’t even think of that. There’s no evidence that this story choice wants to explore what that means for Natsume, how that choice would impact everyone involved. The carelessness and sloppiness is what bothers me here, that Natsume’s nearly perfect arc is tainted by the fumbling effort to put Hotaru in an active role that doesn’t benefit her character arc, that negatively impacts everyone else’s arcs.

And then there’s Mikan… Who I believe was done pretty dirty. Mikan had a clear character devolution. She goes from being a generally upbeat but still emotional girl, capable of sadness and anger and who doesn’t let herself get treated poorly, who generally wants to be useful, to contribute something, to be able to sacrifice things. The sacrifice part got a lot of focus throughout, and whenever she gets the chance, she throws herself at it. The best part is that Mikan doesn’t so much “make the choice” to sacrifice as she feels it’s the only thing she can do. There is no alternative to her because she doesn’t even think of it. It’s only when she’s confronted with Kazumi giving her a choice at the end: save Natsume or keep your alice, that her sacrifice feels like a personal choice rather than an instinctive action on her point. Honestly, Mikan has always been a character motivated to do good, so her arc is less about learning to do good and more about realizing that she does do good already. Additionally, she has the abandoned nullification alice arc, where Mikan feels like her alice is completely useless, like it doesn’t benefit anybody. But there is one thread that has tied to that throughout the manga, from the very first arc, and that’s Natsume. If Natsume was always meant to die, Mikan was always meant to save him. That’s clear from the start, when Narumi says “There might be someone out there in need of your alice” over a panel of Natsume. It was as much a part of implicit destiny as Natsume’s death, as the two of them falling in love. And that was specifically in terms of her silly nullification. Her nullification should have played a role here, and the fact that it didn’t annoys me. I don’t like Mikan having the stealing alice at all, we been knew. It completely dismisses the nullification alice from her storyline for no real narrative reason. Mikan having the stealing alice doesn’t really do much for her character. It acts as a plot lubricant, as a tie to her mom, but for Mikan’s existing arc--nothing. 

There’s the fact, too, that Mikan saving Natsume would have communicated to him that his life means something, if only it means he lives. That he doesn’t have to give anything, as long as she can have him breathing. It would have meant so much for both of their character arcs. It would have been the pretty, perfect way to tie it all. I know there’s a lot of focus nowadays on “subversive” story telling, on setting up one story only to turn it over with some contrived plot twist for the sake of shocking the audience. “You thought this would happen, but you’re stupid for thinking so, because this is happening instead!” I think that kind of plot doesn’t act in contribution to character arcs, which is actually the only thing I care about. In a story like GA, character has been central, so it should continue to be. To me, Mikan being unable to save Natsume feels stupid and pointless, not in a “sometimes you fail” kinda way, because Mikan has already been taught that lesson. That would hit harder, maybe, if Natsume did die for real here, if he never came back. It would be sad, but it would be potent and meaningful. Instead, Natsume can be saved, just not by her. She is incapable of doing the one thing she was set up to do from the start. Instead, her role is stolen by Hotaru and the act of saving Natsume is no longer an act of love for him, but an act of love for Mikan, which is just insulting to all the characters involved. 

Ultimately, how can this finale make you feel anything if the characters have been abandoned for the sake of a lazy “bookend” of Mikan chasing Hotaru once more? All the arcs were abandoned in favor of servicing a sloppy and rushed ending, where no character gets the attention they deserve. The finale just does what it can with the resolution it’s been presented with, and that’s why it sucks so bad. Three chapters isn’t enough to clean up the mess from the last twenty or so chapters, but it doesn’t even try. 

I think the last chapter is the worst chapter in Gakuen Alice, hands down. But it’s only made possible by the subpar story told prior to it, specifically about Natsume’s death, which is the climax of the story. That climax is deceptive too, because you cry so much--about Natsume dying, Mikan leaving, Hotaru sacrificing herself, Ruka being left behind by everyone he knows--that you don’t even notice how bad the writing is! And all the stuff that’s making you cry is cheap character ploys to make you feel in the moment without giving you an actual conclusion. GA isn’t just open-ended because Hotaru is still missing; Mikan, Ruka, and Natsume are still missing character arc closure. 

And considering how intelligent the story-telling has been up to now, it feels out of the blue and unfair to have such an awful ending.

What a disappointment.

Palate cleansing NatsuMikan to soothe your soul after you had to read all that nonsense and negativity. Sorry about all that.

Conclusion

Yeah, so like i said: a rant. Tomorrow I'll wrap up all of this with a little touch on Kageki, but there's not much to analyze there because NatsuMikan aren't focal.

I'm sorry if this was very negative. Like I'd mentioned a hundred times already, it's hard for me to be negative about GA. I don't like whining or complaining and staying butthurt about an ending that was published more than ten years ago feels unproductive. If anything, I take it as a learning moment. I use this to teach myself how vital endings are, and how not to do them. I also generally don't think of these chapters at all. I sometimes flat out forget the story ended this way until someone reminds me.

In my head, the character arcs are resolved and Hotaru never got lost to time-space because that's stupid. I have quite a few alternate endings in my head, but I prefer all of them to the one we got.

Thanks for reading, folks! Just one more time and then we can move on with our lives and go back to pretending this manga is perfect.

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 16)

Hey guys. What's up? Long time no post.

Last time, we began one of the most exciting arcs in the manga, the Hanahime Den Arc (aka the New Year's Arc, aka the Discovering Natsume Arc, aka the Flower Garden Association Party Arc, aka That One Arc With Aoi In It, aka the Natsume/Ruka Backstory Arc... Really whatever you wanna call it). Today we'll continue exploring that arc, particularly one incredibly important theme that means the world to me regarding Mikan's very sweet feelings for Natsume.

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Chapter Fifty-Six

The kids dress up. Hotaru and Mikan are wearing very feminine kimonos for the event. Ruka is relieved that his and Natsume’s kimonos aren’t furisode, but they are both still self-conscious. (I wish I could comment more on this in a specific way, but I’m not versed in Japanese traditional wear to the point where I can say what looks more masculine and feminine. I am very western in this way. Serbian folk costume is more or less: dress=feminine, pants=masculine. I’m learning more and more but for now, whenever I see these chapters, I just think, “Wow, these clothes are so pretty!!” and that’s about it. Anyway I loVE folk costume. I’m obsessed with all cultures’ folk costumes.) 

In any case, Mikan is quick to comment on how good they look, specifically commenting that Natsume doesn’t look as much like a drag queen as she’d expected (ahh… 2000s humor. RIP). This is "supposed to be a compliment," but he doesn’t take it as one. Mikan gets angry that she got him angry and swears that she’ll let his hand go as soon as they get to the party. That page alone has some intriguing panels. There’s one of angry Natsume, one of angry Mikan, and one of them snuggling! Bizarre! I like to think that this means Mikan is still thinking about it. She may be angry, but she’s still fixated on that moment, perhaps still concerned about his cryptic words. How sweet.

But she won't let go of his hand now, of course. Just later.

Narumi escorts them to the party, warning them not to do anything rude because the MSP is capricious. Even the smallest slight could offend her. This is as much a warning to us as it is to the kids. We will see MSP’s capriciousness soon for ourselves. In fact, the next page features the MSP mourning the fact that boys will be allowed in her palace against her wishes, only for her flower princesses to offer to create a fun diversion for her. Mikan isn’t present for that scene, but it’s important because we can see that the MSP is indeed so capricious that Mikan was destined to be bullied and mistreated before she’d even arrived in time to do anything offensive.

They arrive at the palace and it truly is a palace, much bigger than the middle school building and dorms combined. Mikan is awestruck by everything she sees, by Yamanouchi Shizune’s impressive appearance, the huge building, the party full of incredible decorations--she’s definitely the most visibly impressed. 

I think it’s important that Mikan is not just the most childish character in the manga, but a “tactless hick” as well. Mikan grew up in the country, lived in a tiny village and went to a small school. There were no huge buildings or extravagant parties, nothing impressive for the culture fests. Mikan is easily impressed, not just by the fantastical alice elements of this new world (like we are too), but by everything new. It’s not just the alice world that’s new to her; everything is. Furthermore, she refuses to be quiet about her amazement. Whenever she likes something, she says it out loud and proud. No, she’s not the most polite girl, but she is so positive and upbeat. Mikan is not just our Alice in Wonderland, a character through whom the reader discovers a new world. She’s a character in her own right.

The group has to pass the middle school girls’ party on the ground floor before ascending to the Hanahime Party upstairs. As they move, they overhear a lot of gossip. All of them get a little annoyed having to listen to it, but the gossip thrown at Mikan is perhaps the worst, and a precursor to the way she’ll be treated by the flower princesses upstairs: she’s just an ordinary girl, plain and boring and unimpressive--so how on earth did she get invited??

They ALL get somehow targeted by these whisperings... so rude. Though I doubt Hotaru is very offended by a reputation of being "beautiful but strange."

I like Mikan being unimpressive on the outside because it’s honestly exhausting to see every single female protagonist in media being gorgeous and brilliant in every way, an independent and beautiful trailblazer! GA already has characters like that, who are beautiful or smart or both. Mikan doesn’t have to be smart or pretty to be important. The boys who like her are interested in her because of her kindness and excitable nature, not because of her beauty or intelligence. So this occasional outside commentary on Mikan being ordinary makes me happy. They assume that because she’s not gorgeous or academically impressive like Hotaru that there’s no reason why she should stand out. And yes, it’s true that Mikan was not invited because the MSP was impressed by her. No, she was invited because Natsume is impressed by her, because her invitation was a way to lure him in. She is important, even if it’s not in a way that’s instantly valued by the gossipy middle school girls at the party.

The gossip almost gets to her, but seeing Nobara in the crowd cheers her up. Mikan has met Nobara only three times so far. They spent a few hours together at the Christmas Prep, I assume, and that sort of time can get people close, but it’s still impressive that they have such a close bond after so few meetings. And even though Nobara seems obsessed with Mikan, it’s important to note that Mikan always seems just as excited to see her. She loves giving and receiving affection, so even though Nobara's obsession might seem bizarre to anyone else, Mikan welcomes the attention and never judges her for it. But Natsume yanks her back before they can rush to each other.

Nobara is horrified that Natsume is there, demanding to know why Natsume is here at all and then telling Mikan that he shouldn’t be here, that she should stop him. The whole hand-holding thing has been weird to Mikan from the start, but she just assumed he was up to some stupid sadistic trick. His weird comment about the ruse ending soon was a red flag that something else might be going on, but because Natsume never explains anything, she couldn’t really come to any new conclusions. Nobara’s warning here is just another alarm that something about Natsume’s behavior isn’t just annoying--it’s concerning. Nobara is genuinely frightened for Natsume and that comes across in her warning to Mikan, even if Mikan can’t linger to chat about it.

Mikan dragged Natsume around earlier without him complaining so I guess it's only fair he'd drag her around now.

Thus Mikan will keep Nobara’s warning in mind. No matter how quickly she seems to recover from serious or concerning topics, Mikan always remembers them. Nobara’s warning is important in another way too, because Misaki overheard her and made sure to relay the information to Tsubasa.

They finally arrive at the exclusive party to meet the Hanahime girls. Himemiya is beautiful. Mikan is always overwhelmed when around beautiful people, but she doesn’t forget Narumi’s warning, and her awe is staved off a bit by Himemiya’s bizarre behavior around Hotaru. She can be serious too! She doesn’t always get carried away. (Relatively…)

Chapter Fifty-Seven

Conveniently (or inconveniently, if you asked Himemiya), the Ruka mochi gang instantly separate upon entering the party. Perhaps the “ruse” of Natsume’s has reached its end, because he rips his hand away. Mikan rejoices at her freedom, but it’s short-lived.

Because she is singled out pretty instantly.

All of the flower princesses have pretty flower names. Hotaru is given one straight-away on account of being a candidate to become one of them. But the rest of the group get names too--Natsume and Ruka seem to be easily adopted by the flower princesses. It’s just Mikan and Youichi who are left out. 

I talked about the reasons why with Natsume’s essay but I’ll recap here. Himemiya is angry to have disgusting boys in her palace (she’s one of those... gross :P), and the flower princesses are trying to comfort her by entertaining her. This entertainment comes in the form of vicious bullying, something Himemiya doesn’t only tolerate--she encourages. (Himemiya is not "one of the good guys" in the way the HSP could be categorized as, even though she isn't necessarily "one of the bad guys" like the ESP.) There’s four candidates for bullying. Hotaru is obviously out of the question because she’s a potential flower princess herself, a beautiful and intelligent girl worthy of Himemiya’s attention and chosen as a candidate authentically, not because of outside pressures. That leaves the others, unfortunate cargo in Persona’s plan. I don’t think the flower princesses are privy to all the details in the plan, but the boys have obviously been permitted to come for a reason. Besides, they’re both very handsome, so the princesses don’t feel the desire to be cruel to them. Then there’s plain and ordinary Mikan, who didn’t deserve the invitation in the first place. What has she done to earn Himemiya’s attention? Nothing, really. She’s neither pretty nor intelligent, so the princesses write her off. She will be the one bullied by the princesses to entertain Himemiya. 

Youichi is collateral, but definitely not singled out the way Mikan is.

No, I'm not really a big fan of Himemiya. I don't really get how letting teenagers bully a little girl is "entertainment." Maybe that's just me.

They proceed to the banquet, where a feast awaits them. Mikan mentions that she hadn’t had any breakfast because she expected to eat a lot at the party. But she doesn’t really get to eat anything here either, because the princesses move all the food to the other guests, conveniently leaving Mikan with nothing to eat. The bullying isn’t actually subtle, though the princesses put on airs about it. They move the food in order to serve the others, which alarms Mikan, but it’s strange to think that the others didn’t pick up on it. 

When Mikan’s starvation is pointed out, it’s not because the princesses have noticed they’d made a mistake, it’s only to further bully her. If she’s not eating, it must be because her stomach hurts, so she should have some disgusting medicine.

The thing is that Mikan is still heeding Narumi’s advice. She’s trying to be on her best behavior, like he told her to be. We know that Mikan isn’t the type to let herself be bullied. She stands up for herself. She fights back. But fighting back here wouldn’t be in good form. She might just get further bullied. Additionally, she’s obviously not a princess candidate, but Hotaru is. If she acts out, it might reflect poorly on her best friend, potentially even robbing her of an opportunity she certainly deserves. So if you were wondering why Mikan doesn’t fight back or argue with these girls (when she's been bullied by far more threatening figures and never tolerated it), it’s because of that.

She’s pressured into drinking the medicine, meaning she won’t be able to eat for a while. She’s already hungry, now destined to get even hungrier, and she’s just consumed a foul “medicine.” If Nadeshiko’s comment is to be taken seriously, then the concoction is made of some truly sickening things, like frogs’ eyeballs and centipede legs. The medicine doesn’t cure sickness, it creates it. It also smells awful, so her friends don’t want to be around her, not even Youichi, who is also being left out a little (though not at all to the same extent). 

Next, they start playing some games, where the loser has to pay some penalty for losing. The thing is, Mikan stinks so she has to play further away and thus never stood a chance of winning. In no time at all, Mikan is defeated. She’s on her very best behavior but is being bullied anyway. Her face has been doodled on, she’s been made a fool of, she’s hungry and sick and smelly. Nobody is standing up for her. Everyone else seems to be having a much better time than her. 

It sure would be nice if someone were to... I don't know... actually call out the flower princesses for their behavior. Whatever.

Hotaru comes by with a wet towel, sure, but she’s decked out with an insulting gas mask and doesn’t stick around long. It’s obvious that her friends can see that she’s being mistreated, but they don’t do much to stand up for her. When the flower princesses brush aside the idea of inviting Mikan to play the next game, only Natsume stands up to leave. The others are obviously put off by it, but they don’t do much (that Mikan can see). 

Hotaru gets back at Nadeshiko (the main bully) through a prototype of a game, but the thing is that this tactic focuses more on humiliating Nadeshiko than helping Mikan. Nadeshiko is 1. touched that Hotaru chose her to play with, even if it makes a fool out of her, and 2. just toyed with a little. Meanwhile, Mikan watches from a distance and only sees everyone having fun without her. Teasing Nadeshiko doesn’t really help Mikan at all, and it certainly doesn’t stop Nadeshiko or the other flower princesses from bullying her even more. I'm pointing this out because this is Mikan's essay, so only her POV is relevant to me.

Mikan watches sadly, hungry and sick. She feels lonely, miles away from her friends, the only one who’s having a bad time. She misses her other friends, her senpais and her classmates. She wants to go home. Even though she’d been so excited to come here, it’s actually a terrible experience.

And then somebody puts a mandarin shaped chestnut kinton on her head. Natsume tells her to eat up. The orange shape is perfect for someone like her. Natsume is the only person who actually comforts and helps Mikan with her bullying. He sits beside her. He may downplay why he’s there, but he’s obviously here because he was concerned about her. He came to feed her because her stomach was growling. She reminds him that she smells, that everyone’s avoiding her. But Natsume tells her he’d rather be around her than smell the stupid perfumes of the Hanahime girls.

He chooses her. (And she will choose him.)

Hotaru’s tactic of getting back at Nadeshiko didn’t actually help Mikan feel better. But Natsume is making the choice to isolate himself with Mikan. They’re aligned now. Mikan and Natsume are outside of the system of fancy perfumes and shallow performances. She may have been excluded by force, but he makes it clear that he’d rather be left out with her than included with them. She’s more important than they are. Sure, they might bicker a little, but both Natsume and Mikan actually enjoy that and find it comforting, normal. 

And we’ve finally reached my favorite aspect of the NatsuMikan relationship. Yes, it’s been said a thousand times that Mikan is Natsume’s sunshine, that she brings light to his dark life, that she saved him and continues to save him. This is all true, but the more underappreciated side of it is that Natsume is Mikan’s sunshine too. 

Natsume is capable of making her sad and angry, yes. But he also has the tendency to make her forget all her problems. He makes her feel normal again, sparkly on the inside. She even says something to that extent here, commenting on how talking with Natsume always cheers her up. He “sees through” all her problems and then blows them away instantly. “He blew away my cloudy sky. Weird guy.”

He is her sunshine! My favorite part of their relationship!

Mikan is Natsume’s sun. Natsume is Mikan’s sun. They comfort each other, bring each other joy and solace, more than anybody else. 

It’s really awesome that Mikan makes Natsume happy. He has such a miserable life that he needs someone who can bring him joy. But there’s so much focus on his feelings that Mikan’s get overlooked. Despite how hard he tries to be unlikeable and to keep his distance, Mikan still cares about him. He still manages to make her happy, to cheer her up even when she’s being terribly bullied and excluded. 

He leaves to go to the bathroom, but she tells him to hurry back so they can eat together. 

Mikan has known Natsume for a few months now. She’s been very curious about him all along and has wanted to be his friend for a while. But he’s always so unpleasant and rude. Their relationship got to this point at a gradual pace. This is perhaps the first time that Mikan wants to hang out with him, alone, for as long as possible. Before, she felt uncomfortable even talking to him. She wanted to escape or find somebody else to talk to. Even just a few days ago, during the Christmas Ball, Natsume was the guy she settled for when she couldn’t find her other friends.

I really genuinely can't see how any other ship compares. In GA or otherwise. They will be always be number one to me. I just wish they'd gotten to eat together and chat a lil.

But now, she wants to hang out with Natsume. 

And Natsume specifically, because you already know how important that concept is to me. She's not settling this time, just because he's the only one willing to be around her right now. Instead, she's realized that being around him makes her happy, so why not eat together and hang out? They could be left out of the party together.

He brushes her off and insists she eat without him. 

Himemiya warns him though. If he wanders where he shouldn’t, he’ll be on his own to deal with the consequences.

The fourth red flag regarding Natsume’s presence here at the palace. Mikan is thoroughly worried about him now. She still doesn’t know why he even came here, but Nobara’s and Himemiya’s warnings as well as the cryptic way Natsume talked about the ruse all plant seeds of worry in her mind.

She’s distracted a little by the flower princesses’ phony apology. They pretend to feel bad and invite her to the kitchen to bring out the desserts, but there are no desserts. Mikan and Youichi are trapped in a dark room by themselves, locked up with nowhere to go.

Mikan is unworthy of her invitation. She should never have come here, as ordinary and unimpressive as she is. She is locked up now so she can think hard about how lowly she is compared to the others.

This is not Mikan’s first time being bullied, but there’s no way to get used to this sort of treatment. Mikan doesn’t actually think very highly of herself, and the frequent bullying she faces doesn’t really help. She doesn’t fully value her own alice, her appearance, her creativity, her great big heart or unwavering optimism. 

Mikan is alone with a toddler in a dark room. The only person who made her feel normal and happy all day is gone.

Chapter Fifty-Eight

The flower princesses accuse Mikan of cheating her way into getting invited. She demands to be released, but they leave her and Youichi on their own. She pleads for someone to figure it out.

She eventually runs out of energy. She feels especially guilty because Youichi was only locked in with her incidentally. Mikan is the one who is hated. Youichi just got punished because of bad luck. She apologizes to him, which seems to move him somehow. He offers to share some candy with her. It’s very sweet how their relationship has progressed. When she first met him, he refused to share his howalon with her, but now he’s offering his candy unprompted. 

But Mikan never gets to eat her candy because a mouse steals it. It’s for the best, though, because the candy was actually a Gulliver candy, and Youichi consequently aged ten years!

They’re eventually found by their friends, but only after Youchi kicks the door open for them. 

The flower princesses who bullied Mikan are to face punishment for their actions, potentially even being kicked out of the group. But Mikan tells them to forgive the girls, even despite the awful things she just went through. She said just a few minutes ago that she hated them, but I think that now that she’s out, she can see the situation more clearly.

Before, they couldn't see what could make Mikan special because she was neither gorgeous nor particularly intelligent. But now they love her because of how kind she is (though it might not be entirely kindness that motivates her here).

Natsume never sees the hype in this sort of thing. He thought this party was stupid and shallow, something they were both above. And then Youichi showed his kindness by offering his candy, even if it was Gulliver candy. The party that she’d wanted to go to so badly doesn’t really matter anymore. She doesn’t want to be a flower princess anymore. She has people who love her and want to spend time with her even if she might be "unworthy." They don't need her to prove herself, so how good could a group that does require a degree of "worthiness" be?

Additionally, Mikan is a kind, compassionate, and forgiving girl. The princesses did all this because they were protective of their group, because they love Himemiya. So she forgives them.

(Though I think just chalking all this behavior up to two girls being spoiled is letting Himemiya off a little easy. She was obviously entertained all along and will continue this arc acting in ways that benefit her own amusement more than any moral stance.)

And it’s only now, when the princesses can see past her average looks and unimpressive smarts to see what makes Mikan so amazing and special: her big heart. Now she is Mikan no Kimi! Yes, she’s only given a flower name after she stops caring about it. For a while now, she's been more interested in eating kinton with Natsume than getting a flower name.

But Shizune points out that even though Mikan surely didn’t cheat to get invited, it is suspicious that she was selected. Becoming Natsume’s partner, somehow, and now this--she must be special somehow. Mikan has been asked this and has wondered it itself since she first enrolled. She’s singled out and can’t tell Shizune why because not even she knows. Nobody tells her anything. 

And then Youichi reminds them all that Natsume is still missing. It’s only now that they get any semblance of an explanation for all this. Himemiya may be a freak, but allowing Natsume to attend was Persona’s doing. 

Another arc with emphasis on saving Natsume, who prefers to save others.

Persona, for some reason, is allowed free reign in much of Himemiya’s territory, particularly here where her barrier alice is strongest. What is certain is that if Natsume was lured here, then nothing good is waiting for him. 

Chapter Fifty-Nine

The flower princesses who bullied Mikan last chapter are now strangely protective of her after she forgave them. They insist that the group shouldn’t go after Natsume, but Mikan insists that they have to. She has a bad feeling that he might get hurt, and we know already from the Reo Arc that Mikan trusts her gut 100%. She didn’t think at all about consequences when going back for him then and she’s not thinking about the consequences of looking for him now. This isn’t optional.

Natsume has been acting strange all day. He wanted to come here, to look for something, and that’s strange because Natsume doesn’t ever want to do things. The fact that they’re being warned against going after him only makes her more concerned. Natsume’s already down there, probably in danger, so they have to go after him to make sure he’s safe. Luckily, her friends are all on her side. Hotaru, Ruka, and Youichi all take off with her, rushing to the basement. 

I know my analysis here is short but I actually really enjoy this chapter. It's just... not a lot of content for me to analyze.

They’re trapped in the bowels of darkness for a while, descending the stairs into the basement. They’re confronted by Hayate, on the DA class’s discipline squad. He is here to punish Natsume, but because some stragglers have joined, he’s been sent to take them out. The discipline squad is used to working against the effects of the strong barrier down here. The other kids aren’t. Thus, Hayate is at a significant advantage. He probably would win effortlessly, except that he catches sight of Hotaru and falls instantly in love with her.

Chapter Sixty

Hayate loses all interest in fighting them now that he’s seen Hotaru’s face. The others are incredibly confused by his complete 180 in behavior. They decide to just walk away if he’s not attacking anymore. He continues to pursue them, trying to hit on Hotaru, until they run into another discipline squad member, Rui. Rui came here, looking for a “cute guy.” He’s the one to recognize aged-up Youichi.

A fight ensues. Rui’s alice is incredibly dangerous and Youichi’s is the only match for it. 

Mikan wants to run, but Youichi tells her not to look.

And that’s not just him talking.

Mikan cares for Youichi, obviously, but it's interesting that so much of that care is related to her care for Natsume.

Mikan remembers all that she’s learned about the DA class from Reo, who described an organization that trains the children to be spies. There’s a darkness in this school and it manifests most powerfully in the DA class. Natsume looks out for Youichi, partly because nobody else does. After all, nobody looks out for him either. 

Mikan has already seen little glimpses of what Natsume’s regular life is like within the DA class during the Z Arc, when she watched him fight, be strategic, think like a soldier instead of a kid. Youichi is only three, though, and he seems just as used to fighting. And he’s telling her not to look. 

Because all the DA class kids are different from the rest of the school. They live a horrible, dark life, isolated from others because others won’t understand their experiences, because other kids bully them. Even a toddler like Youichi thinks in a way no child should, especially at three, that he needs to protect Mikan even if he gets hurt.

(Because Natsume told him to protect the others. That’s just how DA kids are.)

But Mikan doesn’t like that. Youichi almost gets hit by a surprise attack before Mikan tackles him, protecting him with her alice. Mikan doesn’t want to just sit back and be protected. She wants to do the protecting too, especially since her alice works best protecting others. The problem is that her alice is harder to use with this barrier, so she gets a little cut from Hayate’s alice. Rui recognizes her then as Natsume’s partner and taunts her that coming here was pointless because Natsume will be trapped in the dungeon forever.

Both Mikan and Ruka are horrified to hear that. Mikan remembers the ESP’s ominous warning on Christmas, that she should be careful not to lose anything important to her. It seems that the superstition might have some truth to it, because if Natsume gets locked up forever, then she’ll certainly be losing something important. 

She demands to know why Natsume would be locked up, but Rui doesn’t seem to have all the details. He mentions Natsume falling for stupid bait and coming to find his sister.

Wake up, babe! New Natsume lore dropped! (We already knew that, though.)

Ruka is obviously affected by this news, but he knows about Natsume already so that makes sense.

Mikan is surprised by this. She’d been so irritated with him but all of this had been his desperate effort to find his sister. Of course, he never told her that because he never tells her anything, so it makes sense that she’d be irritated with him. In any case, she’s entirely concerned now. Natsume is being punished, being called a criminal. He was lured here with rumors about his sister, who shouldn’t be locked up anyway. 

The point is that Natsume is here for a noble cause and he’s going to be punished, which is simply unfair. Mikan cares about him and doesn’t want to lose him because he matters to her. She was able to use an impressive amount of alice to keep Natsume at school with her, up to bat against the stealing alice threatening to take him away from her. She won’t let Persona take him either.

But Rui ramps up to punish them and move on, but he’s interrupted by Tsubasa arriving just in time.

Sixty-One

The group fills Tsubasa in on the situation. The priority is to save Natsume before he can get locked up. Turns out Rui is infatuated with Tsubasa. It’s interesting how these fights are complicated by the question of attraction. Hayate for Hotaru, Rui for Tsubasa. The DA kids are so weird. I don’t have a point about that. It’s just an interesting trend.

Something something the Reo Arc focused on Mikan showing Natsume that he has something to live for and this arc shows him how many people are willing to fight for him. Whatever.

Turns out Tsubasa’s curse mark was created as a punishment by Rui, who can inflict pain on him whenever he wants. Where Hayate’s crush on Hotaru made him pretty harmless, Rui is the opposite. He is sadistic in some ways, and won't hold back just because he likes Tsubasa. But Hotaru has had enough dilly-dallying. They need to save Natsume, not waste time on these idiots. 

(And it’s so interesting that she looks at Ruka and assures him to his face that they will save Natsume. I'll save that for another essay, I suppose.)

Ruka surprises them all by summoning rats to attack Hayate and Rui. Mikan is shocked, and so is the reader (ideally) because Ruka has never used his alice violently before. It turns out his alice has some substantial potential to cause epic damage, but that’s not the kind of person Ruka is. He loves animals. Whereas Yuri hates her own alice, and Narumi and Reo view their pheromones as weapons or tools for manipulation, Ruka’s alice has always been an accessory to his love for animals. He uses his alice to aid communication, to tame animals through love and gentleness. He hates the idea of hurting animals, or manipulating them, so he would never use his alice like this normally.

But he loves Natsume too, and that’s how desperate he is to save his best friend: he’d even risk hurting these rats for him.

That’s as good a warning as any that this situation is serious and dangerous, on par with the Z Arc. Hayate and Rui might be funny characters, but this is not a comedic arc. 

Ruka says that Natsume had started to lose hope in life before meeting Mikan (and the others, but… we know the truth), but that he’s different now. He loudly defends Natsume, insisting that he won’t allow Natsume to be called a criminal anymore, and he certainly won’t allow him to be locked up. Ruka announces that he’ll stay with Tsubasa and Yoichi while Mikan and Hotaru go ahead to save Natsume. 

Saving Natsume without Ruka? That's not even possible! (Which is why Ruka would NEVER have left Natsume's side before his death, not for all the burns in the world, not for any of Natsume's pleading or Tsubasa trying to grab him, nothing. I will always be bitter.)

Mikan can’t hear his tragic internal monologue about this decision, but she doesn’t have to. Ruka not being there to save Natsume is ridiculous. Ruka has to save Natsume, because nobody loves him the way Ruka does. And of course she thinks this way, because Natsume’s biggest defender from the start was Ruka. Her very first day at the academy, she’d heard nothing but bad rumors about Natsume, but Ruka was the only person to shut those rumors down. He’s always by Natsume’s side, always standing up for him, always insisting that there’s more to Natsume than there might appear. Ruka has been saving Natsume time and time again, doing his best to protect his reputation and stand up for him, staying by his side, all in little ways. They might be small actions, but Mikan noticed. 

Mikan wouldn’t feel what she feels now about Natsume if it wasn’t for Ruka.

So how could Ruka not be the one to save Natsume?

(Note: these paragraphs are really hard for me to write because I'm crying and the tears are fogging up my glasses. Natsume and Ruka’s friendship simply hits different for me.)

Tsubasa and Youichi join in, pushing Ruka away. They’ll take the fight from here. Ruka and the girls should chase after Natsume and save him. They head off together, and Mikan remembers what Narumi had told her in Chapter Ten, that she should make lots of friends at the academy because they will become precious treasures to her.

She’s always believed in him, but that feels more true now than ever. Her friends are precious to her, so she won’t let Natsume be locked up. And it’s true for them too--Ruka has a precious friend he would do anything for.

As they walk, Ruka tells Hotaru and Mikan that he should finally tell them the truth about Natsume. 

About damn time that Mikan finally gets some answers. Not that she isn't already in love with him, but she's waited long enough!

Dear God, we’ve been waiting for this one for a long fucking time. More than sixty chapters to finally “discover” Natsume. Mikan has been looking so closely at him for so long to figure him out. She ended up seeing a lot that she liked, to the point where she’s gained a pretty sizable crush on him (even if she is unaware of it), but he remains a mystery. So much of what he does is inexplicable and bizarre.

Natsume would never tell Mikan this story. He never talks about himself like this. It only makes sense that Ruka would be the one to share, because he’s always the one to share. Natsume wants to protect people from his dark life, but Ruka wants to protect him, and the best way to do that now is by telling the girls everything, the entire story of how they came to the academy.

Conclusion

Natsume is Mikan's sunshine and she's willing to fight for him, no matter what! Today has already taught her so much, and yet the day hasn't even come close to ending! Tomorrow I'll post again! I'm not sure how many more parts this arc will have. Maybe two? We'll see. The analysis coming up is long and detailed! I'll be discussing lots of things!

I'm officially back! I got a new job (for real this time) which is Monday to Friday from 8 am to 4 pm for the next four months. So I won't be posting on weekdays from now on (maybe on Fridays depending on how tired I am). I'll try to write in the meantime because I have a lot of analysis to do to maintain a good gap! I wanna be ahead of y'all.

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 27)

Mikan and company are journeying to the past so Mikan can make an informed decision on how to act going forward. This journey will be emotionally taxing, to put it lightly, but she will learn a lot, both about her parents and about her connection to her friends and especially to Natsume. After all, she and Natsume are the "fated pair," aren't they?

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Chapter One Hundred and One

Mikan and the others are prepared to time travel now, with Mikan determined to make her own decision after getting her parents’ story. Before Noda fully takes them away, Yuka bursts into the room, calling after Mikan. 

Mikan is only vaguely aware that someone is calling out to her, thinking that the voice is both foreign and familiar. In no time at all, they’re time traveling and Mikan is freaking out about it, completely in awe at the experience.

A couple of heartbreaking panels.

Again, just like before, I am confused and uncertain about the role of relative telepathy during time travel. They seem to be aware of each other’s thoughts and telepathy is mentioned from time to time, like now with Hotaru complaining about Mikan having a noisy mind, but there’s not a clear explanation (at least not in the English scans). I’m doing my best with the resources I have, friends.

I mention this because it might be relevant later.

Ruka brings up the person who called out for Mikan and Noda suggests it was Yuka, who was likely listening the whole time and heard Mikan’s angry refusal. Mikan’s loyal friends admonish him for being so indelicate with Mikan’s feelings. She has some defense attorneys here, which is lovely.

We discover next that Mikan’s father was the former SA teacher, the occasionally alluded to “Sensei” that Mikan has heard so much about before, and that Yuka was Noda’s classmate in the SA class. Mikan’s strong feeling of connection to the Sensei/Yuka graffiti in the SA classroom is justified now. That bond was real all along. 

This trip to the past is huge for Mikan because she’s finally getting the answers she’d always wanted but never imagined getting. She’d always wanted to feel connected to her parents, to know about the family she never had outside of Jii-chan. Though she doesn’t particularly like Yuka right now, this is still a great chance for her and she’s not taking it for granted.

A preview for us to get a little hooked on this very long arc.

This first little moment in the past is like a trailer for the things to come. Mikan gets to see her mother at five years old, when she first enters the academy, and then there's little skips around, seeing glimpses of people who played a role in Yuka’s life. A preview for things to come, to keep both Mikan and us (since Mikan has always been a stand-in for the audience anyway, mostly) hooked for the next chapter.

From now on, I will be skipping through chapters. I find it boring to comment on Mikan’s occasional facial reactions to Yuka’s life. I will only be commenting on actual conversations and actions, because that’s way more interesting to me. Moving on!

Chapter One Hundred and Two

I’m just here to further elaborate on one of my last points, Mikan’s joy at finally being able to “meet” her parents, in a sense.

She is introduced to her father, a silly and good-hearted young man who wants to help the students at the academy and make the school a great place for kids along with his brother. Mikan tears up at this. Her whole life, her parents have been enigmatic stars in the sky, too far for her to reach, too mysterious to know. But she can see him now, can hear Hotaru say they’re a lot alike, can see his smile and hear his voice in a way she never imagined before. That’s her father, her family, a part of herself she never had the privilege of knowing. 

She had wondered about him her whole life, had--as I’d discussed at the very beginning of this essay--a complicated relationship with ghosts because of her feeling of connection that one night at a festival so long ago. He’s been there, every now and then, to protect her, to connect with her, but only ever through a distant veil. And now she can see him. 

I'm crying too. Damn.

Noda comments that Mikan has the best traits from both her parents, and that her personality gave him someone to believe in, a person like sunshine. It’s a nice thing to say anyway, but Mikan likes being compared to her parents because it makes them more real. Just like she always liked hearing comparisons between herself and the mysterious SA teacher before she even knew he was her father, she likes hearing it even more now.

Chapter One Hundred and Seven

We take a short intermission from Yuka’s sad life to see Mikan and her group reunite with Tono, Nobara, and even Tsubasa, who has gotten to know Yuka during his MIA time. She inserted the time travel alice inside him, which is why he’s able to join them now without Noda’s help. He’ll be able to help keep them stable going forward. 

Mikan is relieved and ecstatic to see her senpai again, understandably, since she had been so worried about losing him. She cries in his arms, only separating to finally talk to Nobara, who she hasn’t really gotten the chance to chat with since before the New Year’s Arc. She apologizes to Nobara that she was forced to make such a bold and dangerous choice for her sake earlier that night, and Nobara--like Hotaru--quickly denies that Mikan did anything wrong. 

Been a while, hasn't it...

With the reunions out of the way, Tsubasa has a chance to talk about his experience with Yuka. He shares that he knows what this trip of theirs is about and tells Mikan that, while the choice is definitely up to her, he can’t see Yuka as a bad person. He then asks her what she thinks of Yuka so far, putting her on the spot. Mikan is struck by that question.

Again, I’d mentioned this before, specifically in regards to Yuka, but Mikan is quick to come to a decision about whether or not a person is good or bad. The people she meets are immediately sorted into such categories, and it’s not easy for her to change her mind. When she sees the good, that’s all she focuses on. Hotaru is a great example. Mikan tolerates all the bad and insists on Hotaru being amazing simply because, in her point of view, the good outweighs all the bad. Hotaru can be cold, easily annoyed, detached. But Mikan tolerates this because she has a deep understanding of Hotaru’s positive traits, which, in her mind, are far more important. 

Natsume is a more interesting example because she hated him initially. While most of her friends are people she saw from a good angle all along, Natsume is someone she came to like more over time. She met him and was immediately introduced to the negatives. In fact, that’s all he wanted her to see. But every time she was given a hint that there was something more, she looked deeper until he seemed to be a more complete image of a person. I don’t think Mikan views Natsume as perfect, but the good--again--far outweighs everything else.

A loaded question.

Yuka is someone Mikan swore she could never forgive. She hated Yuka for hurting her friends and for being part of the evil Z organization. But real people aren’t so easily sorted into good and bad. Z is for the most part a deceptive organization that touts itself as a freedom fighting group while also participating in vile activities like child trafficking and slavery. Yuka is a part of that, albeit reluctantly. She has done bad things and has earned Mikan’s anger. But Mikan has just now witnessed Yuka’s suffering, her hardships. She’s not even close to understanding it all quite yet, but even what she’s so far seen is enough to challenge her previous prejudices.

Is Yuka truly unforgivable? Is she really nothing more than a person who has hurt her friends?

Chapter One Hundred and Nine

In this chapter we are finally introduced to Igarashi Kaoru, who remains elusive for a while. Mikan thinks she looks familiar but can’t place how she might have seen her before. Mikan is intuitive enough--she can see there’s a connection to make, like always, but can’t completely connect the dots. Even as Kaoru further interacts with Yuka, Mikan remains clueless though everyone else can tell that she must be Natsume’s mother.

Yuka is brought to Himemiya and Kaoru confronts her by scaring the shit out of her--but essentially gives her the message that she should believe in herself and focus on trying instead of making excuses. “Be a woman,” basically. Noda reveals that Kaoru was a key figure in Yuka’s life, who gave her strength and support and ended up her best friend. She even gave her more confidence in her alice through this particular encounter with Himemiya.

I think that parallels nicely with Mikan’s own lack of confidence in her alice and Natsume’s role in making her feel useful. Though Kaoru’s own alice has little to do with Yuka’s, it’s still predominantly Kaoru’s influence that helps Yuka feel more confident, like she can do good with her alice. Meanwhile, I do think the relationship between Mikan’s alice and Natsume is a bit more profound, but ultimately, it’s due to him that she feels like her alice can be useful. It’s just a similar theme, one generation apart. Very interesting.

She's so stupid. It's fine.

It’s only when Noda tells Natsume that his mother has always been beloved by many people that Mikan finally gets it. Her mom and Natsume’s mom were best friends, unbeknownst to the both of them.

Chapter One Hundred and Ten

Mikan is shocked by this revelation. That’s quite a coincidence (until you realize that kids like Ruka, with non-Alice parents, are the rarity and that there are probably many more familiar surnames at that school in this moment in the past… the Academy has a small student body because being an alice is rare, and most Alices marry other Alices and spend their school years entirely surrounded by the same Alice classmates… It’s not that weird a coincidence that Yuka and Kaoru met… that their bond never broke and that Natsume and Mikan met and fell in love after… maybe that’s a little more strange). 

Mikan knows that Natsume’s mother passed away, and she feels even more empathy towards him. This is a mother he never really got to know, just like she never got to know her father. This time trip is just as much a benefit for him to connect with his family as it is for her. For both of them, snapped strings they get to mend.

You and me both, Noda.

Noda further explains that Kaoru used her alice as an investigative journalist, trying to uncover more information about the ESP and the corrupt academy. He claims Yuka must have been inspired by Kaoru’s work, leading her to joining Z in the fight against the ESP. 

I’ll talk about fate again, though I only mentioned it in the tags of Natsume’s corresponding essay.

There’s talk of red strings, of being fated, with even Noda musing on the mystery of it all. And it is a huge coincidence. I’ve discussed fate a little in this essay too, saying that while I do think fate plays a role here, it’s inextricably tied to agency and choice, particularly on Mikan’s end. Fate united them, but they would only work if Mikan was Mikan and Natsume was Natsume. Fate put them in each other’s orbit, you might say, but their own choices led to where they are now. Nobody made either or them fall in love, except for the other. Just like Natsume fell in love because of who Mikan was, Mikan fell in love with who Natsume was. 

The cosmic influence here is the connection between two generations, the coincidence of Mikan, who was purposefully kept far away from the academy, winding up enrolled despite her indetectable alice, winding up meeting Natsume, the son of her mom’s best friend.

Fate and soulmates and destiny are hard things to define, and I’m not sure I believe in them in real life. But this is fiction, and fate is the author, and Natsume and Mikan were always meant to be together.

Mikan and Natsume hold hands, staring at each other, both wondering about their bond. Though Natsume has already said his piece, Mikan hasn’t given us much insight into her own thoughts, particularly in regard to Natsume, and this moment is no different. It could be that this new information is blindsiding her, overwhelming her even further. In any case, I believe Mikan’s head is a mess but that she knows deep down what she feels. Though that’s for us to figure out. 

Conclusion

Mikan's journey to the past is all about connection, not just with the parents she thought were lost to her, but also to her friends and especially to Natsume. Tomorrow (or whenever I post next), I'll wrap up the Time-Travel Arc, which is even further about Mikan's connection to Natsume. She will remain nonverbal about her feelings for him for the duration of this long arc, but her reluctance to actually speak will prove to be critical (I was not just bringing it up all this time just to fill up space, I promise!)

This arc can be pretty fun to analyze, actually. I hope it's fun to read. Thanks and see you next time!

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 12)

Hi. I didn't post yesterday because I was being irresponsible with my time management and put it off all day and then I fell asleep in the middle of editing. Very fun! I'll just on Monday to make up for it! (Or who knows really. I don't think people are expecting me to be as on top of things with this essay as I was with the Natsume one ;-;)

Last time we talked at length about Mikan's habit of choking when she's trying to tell Natsume something important, as well as the relationship between her alice and Natsume. Today, since the group is finally face to face with Z, we'll see exactly how Mikan's feelings have grown over the course of this arc. We'll also witness a tragedy unfold, and Mikan's reaction to it.

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Chapter Forty

This will be a short chapter analysis because Mikan isn't really doing much now, but you get it.

Mikan comes to in a dungeon, by herself, with only a skeleton for company. She’s separated from her friends, who are all probably in danger as well, and she has no idea how to escape. She imagines Hotaru’s voice scolding her for freaking out and crying. She began this arc with Hotaru’s wishes for her to smile no matter what in mind, and now she’s faced with that wish again. She wishes she could be stronger, like Hotaru, that she can be cool and figure a way out so she can reunite with her friends.

I always loved that skeleton. So cute.

But she’s scared and alone, especially of the skeleton, so she forces herself to laugh instead. She needs to focus.

She’s always haunted by her complex about smiling and crying, especially now. Things may be dire, but she can’t escape easily, even if she stops crying. In fact, the best she can come up with is to attack the prison guard skeleton who isn’t about to set her free. And then she meets her mom.

Chapter Forty-One

Yuka is looking at Mikan, her child, the child of her and her beloved, the only proof that the affair even happened, the dearest person in her life, the person she went through hell to protect. She did what she could to make sure Mikan didn’t have to suffer as she did, but here she is anyway, an Alice Academy student, trapped in the Z dungeon.

Meanwhile, Mikan is also looking at Yuka, recognizing her as one of the Z members, the woman who stole Yuu’s alice, part of the group that shot Hotaru!

Mikan might not be able to do much now, but she knows that she should keep quiet and not reveal any information to this person. So when she’s asked if she has nullification, she refuses to confirm. Instead she confronts Yuka for stealing Yuu’s alice and for shooting her best friend. She tells her that she hates her and all the other Z members, that she’ll never forgive them. 

Black and white. No visible nuance so there must not be any. Yuka didn't shoot anybody but she's responsible for all of Z's actions anyway.

Mikan is quick to make decisions about people, quick to decide whether or not she likes them. People are usually good or bad, and whenever someone she thought was bad reveals not-bad traits, she switches to thinking they’re good. Yuka, in Mikan’s mind, has no redeemable qualities. She steals alices and shoots kids! There’s nothing redeemable about that, especially since it’s so easy to ignore Yuka looking horrified at the fact that the bullet actually hit a child. It’s understandable that Mikan would come to these decisions so quickly in the alice world when everything seems so dire. Natsume attacked her when they first met, so of course she thought he was bad. Yuka hurt her friends, so of course she’s bad too! But the alice world isn’t just more dire, it’s much more complicated. The school forces people to behave in ways they don’t want to. It warps people and corrupts them and makes their actions more nuanced than “good” or “bad.” Mikan will slowly start to learn this, especially in terms of Yuka, but for now. Hatred! No forgiveness!

Yuka hits her own child with her bag, causing its contents to spill out on the floor. Enough childish nonsense, she says, and then reaches out to use her alice. It doesn’t work, thus confirming that she has nullification. It’s that easy. She scares Mikan with some threats about a sadist who had captured all her friends already, kicks her stomach, and then leaves. 

(Yuka and Natsume are so similar, acting entirely contrary to how they want to out of the desire to protect Mikan. They both have no choice but to hurt her when all they really want to do is show her affection. I want so desperately for them to have a conversation.)

Anyway, Mikan is back to being by herself with just the skeleton for company. She seems to have gotten accustomed to it, no longer frightened, but maybe it’s just because her attention is pulled to the vial Yuka kicked under her stomach. Mikan thinks this could be medicine for Hotaru, but that means that Yuka dropping her things and kicking her was all a way of secretly helping her, which is confusing because wasn’t Yuka supposed to be one of the bad guys?

Mikan does think about Yuka, "that woman," the mysterious SA teacher with her alice... She's smart enough to know there's a connection. There's just seldom a good time to linger on those thoughts.

Mikan reveals herself to be clever when it counts, pretending to be wounded from Yuka’s kick so the skeleton would unlock the door. She seizes her moment and runs for it, but she takes the time to apologize to the skeleton, even though she’d been terrified of it only a moment ago, before running off to rejoin her friends. Mikan is a sweet person. She saw that the skeleton had been concerned for her, and it makes her feel bad. Again, she’s a good versus bad type of person. The skeleton showed her kindness, which means it’s good, even if it had been keeping her imprisoned. 

She’s eventually able to find her friends again. She’s been so worried about them and is so relieved to see them again now, that she runs out to join them, even though there’s obviously some kind of hostile situation taking place. She’s distracted and careless, so she’s almost hurt, except that Natsume saves her, pulling her out of the way and shielding her with his alice. 

Forever one of my favorite pages!

He rescued her! And it could almost be a touching moment, except that when he turns around, he doesn’t say he’s relieved she’s okay like Tsubasa or Ruka would. Instead, he’s pissed and instantly berates her for acting without thinking. “Do you want to die, stupid?” which echoes what she had asked him after interrupting his suicide attempt. They have both saved each other with their alices now. The difference is that he had intentionally put himself in harm’s way; her own thoughtlessness is what led to her being in danger. But he keeps going, telling her that they could lose her again with that kind of attitude, and Mikan is shocked. She’d seen his reaction before falling into the pit, seen how frightened he looked for her, and hearing more confirmation that he didn’t want to lose her is surprising. 

AGAIN. Only a little while ago, Natsume told her he didn’t want her around, that he hated everything about her. Now he’s swooping in to save her, telling her he doesn’t want to see her hurt. He was obviously lying about hating her, for whatever reason. The attacks keep coming and Natsume keeps countering them, protecting her, using his alice. In no time at all, he’s injured, with blood on his face, but he looks just as determined as before. 

This is when it really gets through to Mikan. He’s different from the other kids. He acts like an adult, like a soldier. He takes on responsibilities without question and looks at the world in a way the others can’t fathom. He went through some scary stuff to be able to get to this point. “He always stands with a strong back, no matter what,” she realizes. And that strength came from experience; it didn’t suddenly manifest. He had no choice but to become like this. It’s interesting to zero in on her comment about his back, because that’s the part of him she sees the most. He’s always turning away, always distancing himself. He walks away, his back’s what she sees. She tries to connect and he resists, remaining a mystery. But this time, when she sees his back, it’s because he’s shielding her with his body, standing in front of her to protect her. She can see him now. She’s looking at his back, but what she sees now is someone who cares about her and wants to protect her. She sees someone who has never been protected himself. (Mikan’s hair, Natsume’s back, bla bla bla.)

I have a lot of thoughts on this scene that I have trouble putting into words so I couldn't include them... but damn, am I right.

But he commands her to stay behind him, not to leave him, because he will protect her. 

And Mikan is reminded of what she said before, about wanting to protect her friends from alice attacks with her nullification. She had said that when Natsume had asked her what she wanted to do for them. He’d viewed her then as an equal, as someone who could contribute something instead of just a brainless and useless little girl. She had said that, but here he was, protecting her instead. So she stands up, gripping Tono’s alice stone, and tells him not to worry, that she can protect herself. She wants to help him too, to be his strength. “Don’t let yourself be hurt so much anymore,” she says. Natsume might be a hostile jerk, a person who lives a shadowy and mature life she couldn’t imagine, a person who always thinks of the needs of others. But Mikan wants to protect him.

It is worth noting, of course, that Mikan did need to be protected when she first entered the room. She was thoughtless and careless and almost got herself hurt. But now that she is aware of the situation, she can protect herself and her friends instead of holding Natsume back. Remember that Mikan's goal, aside from helping Hotaru and Yuu, is to prove herself: to be stronger, to be capable of sacrifice and protecting others. The thing is that achieving that goal isn't quite so simple, which we'll see later.

Firstly, that she wants to be "strong" enough to protect others and not have to be protected. Secondly, that she sees that Natsume is never protected, thus inspiring her to protect him, that she views him as something fragile. Thirdly, that she wants to make him stronger instead of being a burden on him. This was all her plan after all.

Z takes advantage of their moment of distraction and pretends to attack Ruka. But Mikan, demonstrating yet again her usefulness, is the only one to realize that it’s a hallucination, but she realizes it too late. She’s taken away, which is a problem because her alice was the only thing that could protect the rest of them from Mihara’s medusa alice, which he uses against Tsubasa as soon as Mikan is taken to his side.

Chapter Forty-Two

Tsubasa’s foot is out of commission and Mihara has established himself as a far more competent villain than Reo. Reo was all kinds of terrible: kidnapping kids and planning to either sell them to slavery or enlisting them as child soldiers. But he is thoughtless, which means he can be easily outsmarted. Mihara makes sure Z doesn’t look like a bumbling group of evil airheads. Instead, he’s sadistic, composed, calm, and intelligent. It makes sense that the villains (Mikan's antagonists) should be increasingly cruel and sadistic, from Natsume to Reo to Mihara (or Z as a whole) to Persona and Luna to the ESP. Mikan's storyline and thus the manga's tone goes from a simple school comedy (where Natsume the bully is the prime antagonist) to this point in the story where things turn more tragic and dark (hence Mihara as the antagonist).

Keep in mind that this arc is important in shifting the mood of the manga, particularly in regards to Mikan.

Mihara captures Mikan and then instructs Yuka to steal the kids’ alices. Should be easy since they’re kids, right? Apparently not. Yuka’s alice isn’t that strong. So Mihara turns to Plan B: enlisting them as Z members.

Mikan understands now what Yuka meant by “sadist.” This man finds pleasure in causing pain, which means he won’t hold back. She can only watch helplessly as Mihara hurts each of her friends: Tsubasa, Ruka, and Natsume all get struck by the medusa alice. Her friends all struggle in pain, Mihara laughs in amusement, and Mikan just shouts and watches. There’s nothing she can do. She can’t overpower the adult keeping her still. 

Mikan is, despite her wish to protect and sacrifice, entirely helpless, which is perhaps the worst feeling of them all.

And yet, when Mihara uses his alice on Natsume one more time, Mikan has had enough. She does her best to attack Mihara, despite his superior stature and strength, grabbing at him to make him stop. She nullifies him and decides that, even though she’s been cast aside, she will do the one thing she can do: use her alice to make sure he can’t hurt her friends anymore.

Why must he attack Natsume twice in a row? Mikan cannot allow it!

Mihara commands Yuka to steal Natsume’s alice, almost like revenge for Mikan bothering him with her alice. You don’t like watching me torture him? Let me do it some more.

Yuka approaches Natsume. He’s incapacitated for the most part because of Mihara’s alice and also because all that fighting has tired him out. He just stands there and waits for her to come to him. Mikan screams for him to run, to get away, to save himself, but he just stands there.

The only sign that Natsume doesn’t want Yuka to get him is when he slaps her hand off. But he’s weak. Yuka overpowers him quickly, grabbing his wrist, taking his alice.

So Mikan screams for her to let go of him.

And her alice reaches them from all the way across the room, even though she’s restrained. 

This is my favorite instance of nullification in the whole manga. It makes me so happy.

Again I will repeat that Mikan works best through specifics. Wanting to protect someone, but a hundredfold. This time, it’s I don’t want Natsume to lose his alice.

But it’s actually more than that. Mikan knows from her realizations last night that Natsume hates his alice. She knows that Natsume’s life would be much easier if he didn’t have it anymore. He’s the one person in her class who doesn’t like his alice, who would prefer to lose it. This is his chance. Mikan can see that too. It’s not precisely that she doesn’t want Natsume to lose his alice; it’s that she doesn’t want to lose him.

If Natsume lost his alice, he’d leave the school. He’d be alive, probably healthy and happy. He could be with his family again. But she wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. They wouldn’t have their little arguments. He wouldn’t surprise her with random compliments or touches. He wouldn’t be able to make her happy. She wouldn’t be able to solve him, to figure him out, to find out everything about him. She wouldn’t be able to spend time with him anymore. She wouldn’t be able to make him happy. She wants him to stay with her.

The wish is even stronger, even more specific: I don’t want to lose Natsume.

Long story short, this is proof of Mikan wanting Natsume as opposed to simply tolerating him or "taking what she can get." She doesn't want to be parted from him.

Mikan has always used her alice up close, and almost always through contact or at least proximity. She’s always tackling people or hugging them, and she was only able to nullify Yuka or Narumi’s alices because they were close to her. Natsume and Yuka are all the way across the room, but her alice is so powerful it stops his alice from being stolen. Sure, Tono’s alice might have helped, but Tsubasa had already pointed out that there was very little left in the stone. This was powerful because that’s how badly Mikan wanted to keep Natsume with her.

The rest of the chapter goes by quick. Mikan got her wish: she acted as Natsume’s strength enough for him to be able to cause an explosion that turned the tide of the fight, letting her side win. Yuka stabs Mihara and then offers it to the boys to cure them of their petrified limbs. The building’s self-destruct switch activates. The group manages to find a tunnel out of the building just as it’s about to blow.

Mikan has a moment where wonders why Yuka would help them. She gave Mikan medicine for Hotaru and then healed the boys and led them to the tunnel that would save them. There’s still the question of “good” and “bad,” but Mikan can’t figure out where Yuka lies.

Chapter Forty-Three

The vial Yuka got for Mikan has fallen under some rubble. Mikan is doing what she can to get it. When Tsubasa tells her to leave it, she shouts that she can’t. This is what they came here to get, after all: a way to help Hotaru. Mikan won’t leave without it. But Pengy finally shows its worth, squeezing between the rock to retrieve the vial. 

Success! Things always work out! Good always prevails!

There’s a moment of bliss. They saved the vial so they can all head back, safe. There’s nothing else to worry about. It’s all worked out. 

But they’ve stayed too long. The floor breaks under her and although Ruka is able to pull her up, Pengy is still in danger. They do what they can to try and save him, Tsubasa dropping Mikan down a little so she can grab it--but she can’t reach and they’re running out of time.

Pengy understands that if they waste anymore time trying to save it, they’ll doom themselves and be caught in the building’s self-destruction. So it does the only thing it can. It lets go.

Sometimes success comes at a cost. Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you lose.

Mikan has been enthusiastic this whole time about having Pengy with her, like a good-luck charm from Hotaru. She insisted on letting it tag along, even when it caused problems and even when Natsume fought with her over it, even when the situation was dangerous. In the end, bringing Pengy was a good choice, since it saved Hotaru’s antidote. Without it, Mikan would have had to leave this building and go back to school empty-handed. 

But this was a dangerous mission, and sometimes people get hurt on dangerous missions.

We see the group again once they’ve gone through the tunnel, back in the forest. Mikan calls for Pengy and then announces that she’s going back for it. She doesn’t seem to fully grasp that it’s gone for good, and she needs Tsubasa to grab her by the shoulders and explain it clearly to her: Pengy is gone and can’t come back. It sacrificed itself and that’s the only reason why the rest of them are alive. Mikan says “No,” and “I don’t want this.”

Mikan, whose life has so far been a school comedy, takes a while to grasp the permanence of this loss. People don't lose (or die) in comedies. She is still naive to how harsh the world can be.

Pengy’s “death” or sacrifice or whatever you want to call it is deeply tragic (makes me cry everytime, even at this very moment, as I write), but it serves an important purpose. It is not tragedy for the sake of making the reader cry; it’s narratively significant.

Each character involved feels this loss: Ruka, who loves animals and has a sensitive disposition was bound to grieve for it; Tsubasa, who had taken a leadership role over the kids and Pengy failed to protect one of the group, but is in the difficult position of grieving while also comforting Mikan; and even Natsume, who had reviled Pengy from the start, feels grief and guilt. 

We get an interesting glimpse into Hotaru as well. Her alice works in a very intriguing way; it’s not simply inventing. Anyone can do that with enough creativity and technical knowledge. Her inventions are unique, sure, but that could just be credited to her bizarre imagination. (How fun is it that Hotaru’s inventions are never sleek and mechanical, but always inspired by nature and animals? They are always cute and dynamic--very much like Gaudi in the sense that she also breaks typical rules and looks to nature for more intuitive designs.)

She can feel Pengy's loss, even with all that distance between them.

Even more than simply being able to create amazing and unique designs, Hotaru seems to be like Kaname in terms of her alice. Technical types don’t just create; parts of their alice (or their soul, depending on whether or not those are entirely separate things) seem to be infused into their creations, meaning that what they make contains a part of them. Hotaru has been somewhat aware of Pengy’s actions (specifically Pengy; she’s not magically omniscient) throughout this journey. Hotaru doesn’t just cry now because she knows Pengy is gone; she can feel that it’s no longer around. Whatever part of her used to exist outside of her body is now gone. This gives us a much more personal glimpse into Hotaru and the connection she has with her alice and her inventions. 

And most importantly (for this essay), we have Mikan’s reaction. Mikan is the most like a child in the main four, the most innocent, the most outgoing, the most cheerful. This is partly because of what kind of person she is, but it’s also because her life has been relatively easy compared to the rest of the kids. She’s new to the school, so she’s not as aware of the corruption and exploitation as other kids. She’s faced bullies, but experienced little violence and very little loss. Her parents have always been gone, so her grief has always been there. There’s always been a connection and a hole, neither of which she can truly reach because she knows so little about them. Getting kidnapped by Reo was scary, but the moment passed and nobody was really hurt. She, Sumire, and Natsume all got out of there relatively unscathed. Good prevailed, like it ought to. Nobody died.

I’d mentioned long ago that Mikan’s story is reflected by the seasons, right? It’s autumn.

Autumn represents change, reflection, slow maturation and eventual harvest, and even loss, just like plants begin to die before winter.

Mikan took off on this adventure to save her friends. When asked what she would contribute, she said she’d protect everyone with her alice. She told herself that she would become stronger, like Hotaru. That she would become the kind of person who doesn’t cry. She protected and was protected, but in the end she couldn’t protect Pengy. Autumn represents loss, and Pengy is Mikan’s first real loss.

Pengy is the first loved one Mikan has to lose. It’s interesting that when she comes to in the forest, she declares that she’s going back to save it. There’s nothing to go back to--the building has been destroyed--and there’s no sure way of knowing that they could get back to it the same way anyway. She can’t accept that Pengy is gone; instead, it’s been simply left behind. Mikan, dear optimist, wants to live in a world where bad things can be righted with good, where people can be saved if you try hard enough, where heroes prevail, and the good guys always win. 

But Gakuen Alice--misrepresenting itself as a “school comedy” with magical children--is actually a tragedy, a bildungsroman (the story of a child maturing). In real life, the good guys can lose, people you love can die. I know that there’s a joke that GA turned around once Pengy died, that it suddenly became dark and depressing after that, but I don’t think that’s really the case. Mikan meets traumatized and abused children as soon as she enters the school. In fact, one of the reasons she goes after Hotaru in the first place is the rumors of children kept as prisoners. “Narumi will never send those letters to your grandfather.” The fourth alice shape. Mikan and her friends are kidnapped within the first twenty chapters. Hotaru was shot. I don’t think at all that Higuchi Tachibana meant to write a happy, lighthearted story. 

Natsume’s perspective creates a thread of shadow from the very beginning, like a warning that his shadow could spread over the rest of the story. The manga might start off cheerful, with abuse and violence and exploitation danced over, but that’s only because the story is from Mikan’s perspective and Mikan is a naive child. If this story had been narrated by Natsume, it would be dark and depressing and the humor and light would be notably missing. If it were Ruka, the story would be more restrained, perhaps introspective, suspicious. If it were Hotaru, it might be much more bizarre, clinical. But Mikan is cheerful, sees the silver lining in everything. These dark and depressing moments aren’t exceptions, or random events that break away from an otherwise cheerful story. This is the story of an innocent girl getting dragged into a terrible world that intends to break her, and watching her resist at every turn. 

Mikan says, “I don’t want this,” because she has noticed that the world has shifted without her realizing, that the story has been steadily building up to this moment, even if she'd been oblivious. It’s pretty clear Pengy was meant to die, to sacrifice itself, from the very beginning of the arc. Her idyllic pastoral life with her Jii-chan is in the past; this is the new reality. Slow maturation, eventual harvest.

She won’t realize everything all at once, because that’s not how maturation works and there’s more seasons to get through, more people to lose, but she has realized something important: strength has to be earned. Resisting a breakage is only possible if there’s something there to break you. Otherwise, there’s nothing to resist. Mikan both succeeds and fails in terms of her personal wish to be strong and be able to protect others. She has the willpower and the desire, and her alice is capable of protection. But where her strength fails is her naivete, her inability to grasp the nature of life, the inevitability of loss, the fact that sometimes you can't win.

The group does make it back to the school in time. 

Mikan is able to give Subaru what Pengy sacrificed itself for. Mikan got part of what she had been looking for when they all set off on this mission. She didn’t get Yuu’s alice back, but she got the medicine for Hotaru, though it came at a steep cost she hadn’t been prepared for.

This is a success, but it doesn't really feel like one.

Mikan and Natsume are very different people who have led very different lives. This moment might be sad for him, but he’s been on dangerous missions before. There’s always the chance that you don’t make it back, or that a teammate doesn’t. He’d known that from the start, which is why his presence was so valuable. He was the only one on the team who truly understood what they were in for, that this wasn’t a game.

But Mikan’s just a little girl. All the times that she’s felt helpless before were moments she could overcome--she discovered her alice or she was able to save Natsume after all--but this is the first time that the happy ending she’d imagined doesn’t feel so happy by the time she comes to it. She had no idea what kind of journey this would end up being, and she didn’t want it to be this way, which is why she argued so much with Natsume, and might be why she found it difficult to admit to him that he was right before. Saying sorry is telling him he’s right. Telling him he’s right would be admitting that he’s right about how the alice world works, that it’s most often life or death, a desperate fight for survival, and not the fun adventure she wants it to be.

Sakurano tells the kids to go back to their dorms. They’re in the clear and will face no punishments, as long as they go back to life like nothing happened.

A character like Natsume will find no problem with that. He’s been doing that the entire time he’s been at the academy. But Mikan has been traumatized in a way she hasn’t yet experienced, something that changed and matured her. Going back to normal won’t be possible for her.

What is normal, then? 

The story has so far been a lot of fun, a lot of cheer and humor and light-hearted antics. Mikan prepares a dodgeball game with her friends! She gets kidnapped but saves the day! Right after that, she organizes an event for the culture fest and then studies with her classmates! And then she watches somebody she loves die.

The story will still be relatively light and cheery, because Mikan isn’t jaded or cynical and won’t be. But her innocent positivity has to shift under the weight of what she’s witnessed. The fact that the story continues to be funny in parts is a good sign: Mikan isn’t breaking. But that doesn’t mean she hasn't changed.

Conclusion

I do feel the need to resist against the idea that Gakuen Alice "suddenly" became dark when it's been pretty dark from the start. The issue here isn't context, it's tone. Mikan is our protagonist so we see most things from her point of view, and thus we see the alice world from her perspective. As a result, the story seems light and happy, because Mikan is light and happy. That doesn't mean that the story is or was always intended to be light and happy. It is, in reality, a pretty complex narrative.

Tomorrow we'll wrap up the Z Arc and start moving on to the next season. I hope y'all enjoyed this part! It was emotionally taxing to write, and even to edit and format. <3

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 21)

Finally! We have at long last reached the Sports Festival Arc, one of my favorite arcs, and perhaps even my last favorite arc! I like parts of every arc, but I find the Sports Festival to be one of the last Perfect TM arcs. Just my opinion.

We'll aggressively analyze Mikan's love for Natsume in this arc, something she will definitely not be doing herself, even though she will be repeatedly confronted with it, especially with Luna's arrival to Class B.

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Chapter Seventy-Seven

Need y’all to know that this is the fourth google doc I’m using for this essay. I figured I’d open a new one to celebrate a new arc beginning. We’re officially 87600 words in. Very impressive! 

The chapter begins with a lot of bad news for Mikan and friends. She has been having nightmares where she’s chased by Persona, probably a consequence of the traumatic experience of nearly being murdered by him, with the added pizazz of hearing the ESP’s voice warning her not to lose anything important. Mikan is so haunted by this that she is even afraid to fall asleep since the dream feels so real. We can discern from this state of unease that she might not be getting the proper sleep she needs to remain alert, and she seems pretty out of it at times.

I'm afraid... "Where's Natsume?" Maybe... she thinks of him because he makes her feel safe? Hmm?

Mikan’s mood changes when she realizes that Natsume is absent from the dining hall. He’s been on an alleged “trip” for three days and she is curious about where he’s gone--probably missing him, though she’d never admit it.

Mikan has been going to Hotaru’s room to get some sleep, seeking comfort for her nightmares. But she also seeks Natsume at this point too--he’s been able to help her a lot the last few times she’s faced a problem and he was able to make the problem feel small or insignificant. The fact that she seeks his presence now makes sense, even though she doesn’t actually put the two thoughts together. 

In any case, a whole term has passed and now is the beginning of a new school year, so Mikan is now officially a sixth-grader!

Goshima has been appointed the new student council president, which Mikan is excited about regardless of the negative changes he promises to bring--and that’s because she’s not really paying attention to him. Instead, her attention is on the fact that, just as Yuu had suggested, Natsume is on stage with the other principal students for the ceremony.

"He looks a little more adult now..." she also says... Damn, Mikan.

Natsume has been gone a lot, apparently, and although the reader (us) knows that he’s been going on an increased amount of missions for the DA class, Mikan has no clue. She’s just excited to see him. “After making us worry so much!” she says. “It’s been so long since we’ve seen Natsume!” And, yes, the class hasn’t seen him a lot these days, but Mikan was the one vocally worrying. We have discussed at length Mikan’s attempts to distance herself from her feelings by saying “we” or “people” when she means herself. This is about as close as we’ll get to her admitting that she’s been worried and missing him. 

Her focus is entirely on him, that he looks tired, wondering where he’d been all this time, noticing that he looks more grown-up all of a sudden.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Mikan has not seen Natsume consistently for a while. She’s already in love with him, as we’ve discussed, but having the object of her affection leave her sights for a while and then return makes the feelings he brings--including attraction--come back suddenly, making her think that he looks different somehow. Yes, the kids are growing and he might have had a growth spurt, but I think the absence hit her as well. 

She is snapped back to reality by Goshima’s conclusion. She has missed his announcement of controversial new policies, including the establishment of a morals committee (the fukitai), a means to control the rebellious spirit of the students associated with Mikan and Natsume. This is awful and terrifying and no such institution has ever brought feelings of comfort or safety to a school, but it’s interesting that Goshima’s entire address went over Mikan’s head because she was too busy staring at Natsume. She managed to disregard his warnings as well as the concerned gossip surrounding her because of her distracted focus. Wow!

Her mood is dismal now because she’s thinking of the ESP’s Christmas warning not to lose anything important to her--the threat feels more potent with each new piece of information. The fukitai will be standing guard in each classroom, apparently, and none of the students are pleased with that. Mikan feels like her darkest nightmare came true. 

<3

But the gloomy mood made her think of Natsume, and she perks up. (“When I hear 'gloomy,' I think of Natsume. When I think of Natsume, I think of slanty eyes. When I think of slanty eyes, I think of foxes--”) Just the thought of him changes her mood and she looks over the room to try and find him, only for Ruka to inform her that he won’t be in class today. Though it’s a short scene, I think it’s telling that the excitement of seeing Natsume again changes her entire mood and makes her entirely forget her worries and concerns, if only for a moment.

Mikan rushes to the SA class to share good news with her senpai but is sadly crushed by two immediate revelations: one, that the fukitai are haunting this classroom as well, and two, that Tsubasa is absent. Many excuses have been made by Noda and Tsubasa for where he’s been, but none of it makes sense and Mikan idly wonders if Natsume and Tsubasa are going through the same thing (yes, they are). Her intuition is spot on again, though her train of thought is quickly derailed by her desire to share three pieces of news with her senpais. 

She’s very excited about the Sports Festival coming up, but the senpais are unmoved since that happens every year and isn’t a big deal. 

Then, the elementary class has some student teachers, which also isn’t news, because high school kids have to do vocational training every year too. But her real news is that all three student teachers in her class are the former student council: Sakurano, Subaru, and Shizune. This is shocking because they’re only in their first year of vocational training and already acting as student teachers, an exceptionally impressive feat. 

Always pay attention to changes like this! Mikan never reacted this way before to being pulled into Tono's lap... Though I have no idea what this is supposed to reflect TBH.

Mikan notices Tono is tuned out, but then he scoops her up and asks for the third piece of news. I find her reaction of revulsion to be interesting. She gets away from him and says “You’re gross,” which is certainly not how she’d reacted to his grabbing her before. Mikan, previously oblivious to what all his perverted comments and actions really mean, has come to realize that he isn’t all that innocent. I do wonder where this change comes from. It could be that Tsubasa and Misaki’s warnings have started to accumulate enough for her to build a better idea of what Tono’s unclean motives are. It could also be the natural consequence of growing up and becoming--even by a little--more mature over this past school term. I honestly couldn’t tell you.

Her last piece of news is that Class B is welcoming a new student tomorrow, which does mildly surprise her senpais enough that she’s satisfied with her sharing now. She hopes that the new student will be nice and is actually excited for their arrival, though she shouldn’t be.

She shares one more bit of information, that Sakurano has warned her not to talk too much to him or the other student teachers, and to not get caught by the fukitai for anything.

Mikan is walking alone, possibly back to class, when she spots Natsume. She calls out to him and starts to ask him where he’s been when he darts away for no good reason. She chases after him, desperate to talk to him again after such a long time. He stops suddenly and she bumps her face into his back and when she finally looks up into his face, he’s smiling. 

So much to say about this moment…. Where do I even start?

Mikan is holding onto him, probably to keep him there, afraid that he’ll run off again if she doesn’t (because she doesn’t want him to leave).

He calls her a spaz and she’s unbothered, because, once again, she’s distracted by her staring at him. Just as she thought--he is different. Cue sparkly panels of her staring at him…

She holds onto him! Sparkly panels! This is romance!

She tugs on his shirt while she muses that he has had a growth spurt, that he has gotten taller. His smile fades a little because of the prolonged silence until she asks him again where he’s been, if he’s been doing some kind of training.

Training?!

Is this one of the excuses Ruka gave for Natsume’s absence? Or did Mikan assume that because of the physical changes she sees in Natsume? I couldn’t tell you, but either way, Mikan’s distraction with his appearance is pretty noteworthy!

Mikan is easily taken with physical beauty. It’s one of her many weaknesses. She is easily awed by beautiful people. I believe that Mikan’s sparkly panels from when she first meets Natsume are an example of that--that when she first saw his face without his mask on, she was in awe for even a moment before he ruined her first impression. I think that’s how she’s feeling now--awestruck and staring at a pretty face. Despite being usually very talkative, she was unresponsive for long enough that Natsume had to prompt her into speaking.

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."

The conversation quickly turns into bickering from there, but it’s still not unpleasant. Natsume is a constant for her school life and he seems to have returned, complete with teasing remarks. He's the whole package, really.

And then we see Luna, staring at them, about to be led to class.

I’ve been in (or at least I’ve been observing) the GA fandom for a really long time. Since 2010, to be precise. Like, 13 years straight. I’ve read the manga countless times, seen countless AMVs, and read countless fanfics and I know how people feel about Luna. I’ve seen it all--Luna is ugly, a slut, an evil bitch, a villain for tearing NatsuMikan apart. Yes, she’s frustrating for sure, but I love Luna’s role in this story. Always have!

What to steal from Mikan.....? Oh... Maybe this...

Why does Luna appear here? Suspense, probably. A little tease that things will change even further.

But why does she appear here, looking at them? 

Her job is to watch over Mikan and make sure she doesn’t get into trouble (causing rebellions and the like). She’s also here to “punish” her for her behavior on New Years. Luna could’ve gone about this punishment any number of ways, but we’ve been seeing ESP’s warning (“Be careful not to lose anything important to you.”) over and over again for a reason. Mikan cares about a lot of people, but Luna’s punishment is focused on Natsume, on taking Natsume away from Mikan. She makes little efforts into manipulating Hotaru and turns Class B against Mikan, but this arc is focused on NatsuMikan. 

After all, this is Luna's projected revenge against Yuka, and Yuka didn't just steal her alice. Luna felt, as a groomed teenager, that Yuka was stealing the ESP's affections as well. She felt like her romance suffered because of her former best friend. She couldn't interfere in Yuka's romance (the ESP already did that), so she'll interfere here. This is her revenge, her personal little mission. There's a reason she targets so much energy on stealing Natsume as opposed to Ruka or Hotaru. That reason is romance.

Chapter 77 is the intro chapter. Often, in chapters like this one, that precede a big emotional arc, we’re introduced to themes or ideas that will be expanded upon later on in the arc. In this case, Chapter 77 traced Mikan’s yearning for Natsume, her deepening affections for him, and her desire to have him by her side (to not leave). There’s other themes too, of course, like the fukitai and the threat of a changing social order, but those are secondary. Thus, we can deduce, just based off this chapter, that her relationship with Natsume will face some obstacles. 

We saw how awestruck and happy to see him Mikan was just now. But so did Luna.

Luna focuses her punishment on Natsume for a reason, and thus her appearance here isn’t just important in order to keep our interest, it’s also for the plot reason of giving Luna a specific target right away.

Chapter Seventy-Eight

“Mikan keeps walking in the thorny path. What will be waiting for her hereafter?” Nothing good.

Luna has just become a new student in Class B. Everyone is instantly taken with her, including Mikan, who is eager to make a new friend. There’s a lot of “ooh”-ing and “ahh”-ing, in regards to Luna being cute and curiosity about her alice. These questions are put on pause when Narumi announces that Luna has the life-shortening alice and has been forbidden from using it. (We all know how I feel about that already LMAO.)

I’ve seen some people take Luna’s “life-shortening alice” at face value, but I always assumed her “having the fourth shape” was an excuse not to reveal her alice to the class. When Luna was first going to school years ago, she was hated and unpopular because of her alice. If Luna wants to be popular now, it’s important that she seems as innocent and harmless as possible. Additionally, her alice needs to be a secret so that she can keep using it on people without anybody figuring out what she’s up to. Her sickness later on in the story--as far as I can tell--was the consequence of her abusing Gulliver candy on a regular basis for weeks at a time (since we already know it's been banned from Central Town for its adverse side effects), not because of her alice shape. 

I don't think that's how any disease works NGL.

Besides, her “life-shortening” alice seems to involve nothing more than coughing loudly whenever she doesn’t get what she wants. And right off the bat too.

She doesn’t want to sit next to Kabayaki-kun, so apparently her health is affected and she starts coughing until her gaze lands on Natsume. But she can’t sit next to Natsume, because he’s already sitting with Ruka and Mikan. Until that affects her health too and Narumi orders Mikan to move seats to accommodate Luna’s fickle demands.

It’s not that Mikan wants to, but there’s instantly an air of pressure in the class to walk on eggshells and make sure not to worsen Luna’s alice-related health by upsetting her. I think Mikan probably really doesn’t want to move because she’s been missing Natsume all last chapter and for a while longer off page. She wants to spend time with him when she has the chance, and that’s probably why she’s sitting next to him today.

But apparently Luna will die if she doesn’t get what she wants, so Mikan agrees to move.

Until Natsume grabs her by the arm and insists that he is the one who decides who he sits next to, and he chooses Mikan. Cue a sparkly panel of Mikan being touched that Natsume wants to sit with her and not Luna…

He also uses her name here, something that always gets to her.

This is a short moment, but it's one that Mikan thinks back on later. In this moment, she feels wanted by him, like whatever affection she has for him is requited, like if he had it his way, they could sit together all the time. She's touched because it's like he's saying "me too" to all the thoughts she's never let herself think. It's always about them.

Sadly, this is short-lived. Luna will fucking DIE if she doesn’t get to sit next to NATSUME, and if anybody stops her from getting what she wants, they are responsible for MURDERING her.

It’s only when the entire class begs that Natsume finally gives in.

The entire class is still curious about Luna despite her wretched behavior, still convinced her sickness must be related to her alice. Meanwhile, all this talk about life-shortening alices makes Mikan think about Natsume.

It’s interesting to note the school’s treatment of Luna’s alice shape versus Mikan’s theory about Natsume. Apparently, when a student has the fourth shape, the teachers make an announcement and forbid them from using it. If there was no such announcement for Natsume, perhaps he doesn’t have that alice shape! But Natsume has been a special case for the school from the beginning. He even told her he’s not like the rest of them and he’s been mistreated far worse than his classmates could imagine.

Mikan wonders if his missions have stopped since the New Year’s fiasco. Her attention remains fixed on him, as it will throughout this arc, really, wondering again if maybe his alice is the fourth shape, until Luna says she’ll use a bit of her alice to show everyone. Because for some reason, using a small bit wouldn’t really affect her health, but sitting next to Kabayaki-kun would.

Mikan wants to see, but apparently Luna can’t use her alice--something is nullifying it. Mikan instantly insists it wasn’t her and we know already that she wouldn’t do that, but the seeds of suspicion have been planted. She introduces herself to Luna, but Luna does not react the way a normal person would to meeting a stranger. She smiles in a sinister way and reaches out for her face. None of this is normal, and Mikan can sense that there’s something wrong with Luna. But the moment is resolved with Hotaru pushing her out of the way and, heartbreakingly, Natsume taking Luna’s hand in his.

Not good!

Before, Mikan knew Natsume would prefer to sit next to her instead of Luna, but he was pressured into sitting with Luna. Now, he elects to sit next to her, their hands interlaced. Mikan is incredibly bothered by this. How could he change his mind about Luna--about her--over the course of one class period? It’s definitely not the best day of her life, but it’s about to get worse.

The Sports Fest teams are being split up. Technical and Somatic classes are together on the White Team, with Special and Latent on the Red Team. The DA class then fills in at the end, so Natsume has the choice of whether he’ll be on the Red or White Team. Since Mikan can’t be on the same team as Ruka or Hotaru, her attention zeroes in on Natsume, her dear partner and the boy she loves. Maybe they can be on the same team!

But Luna is on the White Team, in the Somatic Class. And she wants Natsume on her team.

I love Mikan’s thoughts and behaviors here. Though she’d initially been excited to make friends with Luna, her opinion has shifted very quickly. Yes, Luna did act like a creep with her before, but Mikan’s main beef isn’t about that, it’s about Natsume. 

“wOn’T yOu, hyUuGa-kUn?” Sinister, mocking, unpleasant. Mikan now views Luna as (correctly) insincere and manipulative, and (incorrectly) as a threat to Natsume’s affections for her. “Here she goes again,” Mikan thinks, because she watched Luna get precisely what she wants all day for no real reason. If she doesn’t step in, Luna will continue to get what she wants, and Mikan doesn’t want that because she wants Natsume more.

So she speaks up, desperate. Calling out to him and telling him straight up that she wants him on her team, asking him to join the Red Team and be with her. That's right! She asks Natsume to be on her team, to choose her, something she has never ever done before, because she's that desperate to keep him with her.

Come to the Red Team. Come to MY team. Come to me.

But Natsume chooses to be on the White Team anyway.

This is important for a lot of reasons so I’ll do my best to sum it all up.

Luna and Mikan’s mini face-off here makes Natsume’s choice about more than color--it’s specifically choosing between Luna and Mikan. Thus, even though Natsume’s best friend is also on the White Team, Mikan is hurt and shocked because he didn’t choose Ruka over her, he chose Luna over her.

Mikan rarely tells Natsume what she wants from him, mainly because she doesn’t even want to admit it to herself. So here, when she pleads with him to pick her team (to pick her), it’s because she’s that desperate. This is a rare glimpse of bare honesty from Mikan, where she finally says out loud what she wants. That makes it hurt all the more when he rejects her. 

Chapter 77 introduced us to Mikan’s desire to keep Natsume with her. I’d stated then that her desire would be under threat in this arc, and it begins right away, with Luna threatening to swipe him away to the White Team and away from Mikan.

She has just been rejected by the boy she loves. He chose another girl over her, even after she asked him to pick her (her team, her, etc.). Now Mikan has to confront her own hurt and conflicting feelings. She is jealous, unhappy, hurt, and now has to ask herself why.

“Be careful not to lose anything important to you.”

Mikan feels like she is, now, losing something very important. She hadn’t admitted to herself yet just how important Natsume really was, but that doesn’t make the pain and fear of losing him any less potent.

Chapter Seventy-Nine

Things were bad, got worse, and are now about to break all kinds of records of terrible because it’s apparently not awful enough that Natsume chose to be on Luna’s team instead of Mikan’s; nooo, Narumi has to rub salt in the wound by announcing that Natsume is now Luna’s partner. Mikan has adapted to school life after all, and she’s always hated being Natsume’s partner, hasn’t she? They’re not really working on anything together, either, so there’s really no issue with appointing Natsume a new partner, someone who wants to be his partner. Surely, Mikan doesn’t mind.

But Mikan does mind! 

"Because you're my partner!" isn't gonna work anymore.

And this is important, because, in reality, Narumi dissolving their partnership doesn't have any actual consequences in the story. It's not like Natsume has to work with Luna on any projects or anything afterward. Things are almost the same, but the loss of that word matters, especially to Mikan.

From the beginning, their partnership was what tied them together. She had to go back and save Natsume from blowing himself up because he’s her partner. He had to accompany her to Central Town. They were narratively paired. Everyone knew her because of her tie to him through their partnership. Mikan doesn’t really call Natsume her friend often because it’s not entirely accurate to her feelings for him. He’s her partner. 

Even if he’s rude to her, they’re partners. No matter what happens, they will always have that to bond them together. If he chooses Luna, it sucks, but at least they’re partners. He can’t do anything to change that.

But they’re not partners anymore. 

Losing this isn’t just hurtful, it’s confusing. If Natsume and Mikan aren’t partners, then what are they? And why is all of this happening at once? Why is it that when Luna gains something, Mikan loses it?

“You really hated being Natsume’s partner, after all!” But she didn’t. 

This day sucks, huh.

But Mikan would rather cling to confusion about Narumi’s motives than anything else. Confronting her own feelings or Natsume’s is not pleasant, so she’d rather wonder why Narumi is acting weird and making such sudden decisions. But when Natsume is brought up, Mikan is once again confronted with her pained feelings about his role in this situation. He’s so wishy-washy. Hadn’t he wanted to sit next to her, not Luna? Why would that change so quickly?

In any case, the Sports Festival is about to begin. They have a day of training before the events begin. Mikan has plenty of friends on her team, so she focuses on having fun instead of on the painful memory of not having Natsume beside her. But apparently the Sports Festival is a far more serious event than she’d realized. Red Team is forbidden from fraternizing with the opposing team until the end of the festival, to maintain a Red victory.

Mikan is crushed, since many of her friends are on the white team. She especially focuses on Natsume, staring at him until he looks over at her. She quickly looks away, embarrassed to be caught. When we compare this to Mikan's staring at him in Chapter 77, this is a sad change. She felt more comfortable looking at him then because she was under the impression that he felt similarly to however she did--those unspoken, unacknowledged feelings. But now it's different. He seems miles away, and she doesn't feel like she's allowed to stare anymore. The mood does change for the better when we discover Youichi chose Red over White and when Yuu reassures Mikan that they’ll all have fun regardless of the crazy rules. 

She can no longer look at her beloved!

But Luna’s “harem of followers” takes issue with Mikan’s nullification and warn her that if she nullifies Luna’s alice, they’ll punish her for it. She’s faced with a barrage of accusations. Though Mikan is not bullying Luna, they are right about her being jealous that Natsume has been spending all of his time with Luna these days. The thing is that the partial truth to the situation makes her look that much more responsible. 

This run-in with Luna’s victims rises suspicions that Luna might be using some sort of pheromone, since the kids aren’t acting like themselves.

Things take a dramatic turn when the equipment goes flying--a genuinely dangerous incident since some of the equipment in question is heavy and could cause severe damage. Mikan is saved in the nick of time by a mysterious person tugging her to the safety of a utility closet. 

Chapter Eighty

The mysterious person is Luna, and she is not acting out of kindness.

Mikan wonders about what’s going on outside and who brought her here when suddenly she realizes there are hands around her throat. Luna starts cackling and by now Mikan knows for sure that there’s something wrong with her, because Luna seems to hate her something special for no reason. Mikan shoves her away and tries to recover her breath. 

Luna only seems amused, whining about being scared of Mikan’s violent tendencies. This is, of course, ridiculous. Luna was the one who just attacked her, and Mikan pushed her off in self-defense. Luna's attitude here, particularly in regards to skewing the facts, reflects how she will act throughout this arc, and how rumors and carefully chosen words can challenge people's loyalty.

Luna isn't finished berating Mikan. Acting so violent--just like her criminal mother.

But she doesn’t linger on that topic, switching instead to egg Mikan on--she’s so popular, isn’t she? She must be having so much fun! But Luna will have fun too, “breaking and stealing” everything that Mikan holds dear, one by one, imagining that Mikan’s suffering face is her mother’s. There’s a lot that Mikan is suddenly facing in this one conversation. Luna knows the secret of her “shameful birth,” and seems to know her mom. On top of that, Luna hates her and wants to ruin her life. But if Mikan is good, then Luna might fill her in a little more. That means Mikan has to stay quiet about what happened here. She should do as she’s told because otherwise the people she loves could get hurt.

Can Mikan have a break? Or is that too much to ask?

Mikan has no time to respond or even to process what she’s just heard, because suddenly, the door is open. Mikan is now accused of being a bully, but she can’t say much to defend herself. She looks around and sees how much damage this incident has caused. Luna threatened to do worse if Mikan didn’t comply with her demands, so how can she say anything? Mikan thinks, “I’m scared.” She’s faced with a horrible choice: either she sullies her own reputation and lets Luna do as she wants, or she must watch as people close to her are hurt.

Sacrifice, Mikan. Isn't that what you wanted to do at the start of this manga?

Mikan’s silence results in her getting arrested by the fukitai.

Conclusion

It's really fun analyzing the Sports Fest Arc. Mikan's love for Natsume and subsequent jealousy is at the forefront here, and I always have a blast reading these chapters because of how clear her feelings are even without her ever saying them out loud. Tomorrow, we'll continue!

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 33)

Finally!

Mikan has hid behind "we" and "people" for long enough! She has relied on telepathy for too long! It is time to use her words.

Today we'll talk about the Rapunzel Arc, three nice little chapters where miracles occur and dreams come true. This is the fairytale part of our story, but despite common misconceptions, not all fairytales have happy endings.

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Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Three

Mikan and her staunch, persisting belief in happy endings.

The fairytale themes of the next couple chapters. 

The inevitable destruction of that fairytale, the cold fact that she can’t have her happy ending. 

It's all set-up here, through her hopeless romanticism here, the happy miracles soon occurring, and the sad fact that love and sacrifice sometimes leads to unhappy endings.

Anyway, Mikan is at the Christmas Party… in a manner of speaking. She’s watching the festivities on TV while she eats cake with Bear by herself. Poor Mikan goes through all the motions of forcing a happy face, even though she’s only lying to herself and Bear. She pretends she’s not bothered or jealous that she can’t go to the party and spend time with her friends. 

She's so cute.

But her resolve wavers and she becomes gloomy, crying about how she wanted to go to the party. For quite a few chapters now, Mikan hasn’t been able to get what she wants, and it was all under the guise of the greater good. There was no way around it. She understands that, even now, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t upset her. She can get why she can’t go to the party and also resent the circumstances that prevented it simultaneously. 

She’s cheered up by Bear’s thoughtful present: some acorns he gathered for her. She’s touched and embraces him, because she gets to experience a little bit of Christmas, even if it’s just through Bear’s considerate actions. 

The moment gets even better when she receives all her other gifts, storybooks gifted to her by her friends and classmates. All sorts of books drop from midair, surrounding her.

Mikan, the diehard optimist, is gifted with a swarm of fairytales, stories where good triumphs over evil, where princesses are rescued and true love breaks the spell. Stories with happy endings. This is the class’s message to Mikan: Don’t give up hope; your happy ending will come.

The books all come with personalized messages from her friends, little cards telling her not to give up, to be strong. There’s one from Natsume too, and his stands out the most because it’s the most bold. Though the other notes are vague, with general comforting phrases and well-wishes, Natsume’s is a promise to save her. And his gift is a romance book. Lots of fairytales have romance or marriages, but Rapunzel in particular is a love story from top to bottom, a story about persevering love, about waiting and not giving up, even through forced separation. 

Rapunzel and her prince! They are The Fairytale Couple...

(I grew up on Barbie’s Rapunzel and have seen Tangled a thousand times, but the Grimm’s version of Rapunzel was one of my favorite fairytales as a kid, even if it didn’t look too similar to the animated movies. Here, if you’re unfamiliar with the story: A couple is desperate to have a child. When the wife finally becomes pregnant, she has strong cravings for the rapunzel vegetable that grows in their neighbor’s yard. The husband fetches it, but is caught by the neighbor, a sorceress who agrees to let him have the vegetable in exchange for their child. Though they try to escape her, eventually, she takes the baby and raises her in the tower, growing out her hair, as we all know, until she has become a maiden with incredibly long hair. A prince hears the girl singing every day and decides to climb up the tower to see Rapunzel. They fall in love and he comes by very often, only in secret. They hatch a plan to have her escape, but eventually Rapunzel becomes pregnant, which complicates things. The sorceress thus discovers the prince has been visiting and cuts Rapunzel’s hair, banishing the pregnant girl to the woods to live by herself. When the prince visits again, he climbs up the hair, only to be pushed from the window when he runs into the sorceress, falling into a thornbush and being blinded by the thorns. He wanders the woods alone and blind, until he hears familiar singing and finds Rapunzel, raising their twin children by herself. They are finally reunited and love has triumphed, despite all odds! Also, sidenote that this story was controversial for years for painting premarital sex as a positive thing, LMAO, and was thusly not considered an appropriate children’s story. The movies, especially Tangled, take a lot of these elements as inspiration, but they do something new with them. The Rapunzel story frequently alluded to here on out is the Grimm story, though. Hence the imagery of Natsume with bandages over his eyes, or Mikan staring out the window with cut hair. Just something to consider…)

This is a reminder to her that Natsume loves her, and a message that he still loves her, and that he won't give up trying to find and rescue her.

Mikan remembers the last Christmas, when she and Natsume danced, when they kissed. These are wonderful memories to her. It’s Christmas again, and he sent her a present. They’ve always been calling out to each other, but she wants to see him now more than ever. Christmas is their night.

Hopeless romantic Mikan and her constant return to that balcony just in case she might catch a glimpse of him...

She rushes to the balcony, like she often does, and looks out over the campus, hoping to catch a glimpse of him, even though she hasn’t in all these months. Maybe, though, that fairytale magic can create another miracle?

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Four

It seems miracles are real!

Just when she most wanted to see him, he appears under her balcony, calling for her in the falling snow. He promised he’d come and save her, didn’t he? Is this his attempt to rescue her? Mikan isn’t supposed to escape. If she gets into any kind of trouble, a whole mess of things will follow, but Mikan isn’t thinking about that right now, swept away in the magic of seeing the boy she loves after all this time. All she sees now is the fairytale, the miracle, the happy ending that almost seems too good to be true.

He calls out to her and she calls out to him. 

He climbs up the building until he reaches the balcony. They hold hands and Mikan tears up, ecstatic that this isn’t a dream after all. It’s real, he’s really there. Her immediate suspicion that it’s a dream makes me wonder if she had fantasized about a similar event before, of him finding her and climbing up to see her. Hopeless romantic Mikan has perhaps spent these past few months fantasizing about seeing her beloved Natsume again, rescuing her and getting her out of this wretched labyrinth.

There’s an immediate drawback when they reach out to each other, presumably to hug, only to discover there’s a barrier, giving them only a little bit of space to touch. He can’t climb further onto the balcony and she can’t leave with him. Natsume can’t save her right now after all.

While Natsume is distracted by the barrier, Mikan asks him many questions, curious about how he found her and how he got here, since it all seems too good to be true, for something she’d wanted for months to actually happen so easily and out of the blue. He doesn’t answer so she keeps badgering until he presses his hand against her mouth and tells her to shut up.

What a Natsume thing to do.

How wonderful to see Mikan initiating affection again!

While he looks away to see if someone is coming, Mikan takes his hand covering her mouth with both of hers, crying in happiness to really have him there in front of her. We can see just from this just how much she missed him, how dearly she wanted to see him, how hard she took his absence. It doesn’t matter that they don’t have a lot of space, that he can’t take her away from here, that they might get caught. She can see him and touch him, and so even though Mikan has rarely been bold with him, always scared to be vulnerable, she holds his hand, soft and romantic, just eager to really have him with her after all this time. 

She says his name and continues to cry, keeping his hand by her mouth, possibly even kissing his hand, which is incredibly soft!

This is not the way she was acting before. She did occasionally cling to him, and they held hands a lot in Mikan’s Really Bad Day Arc, but their touches were usually initiated by him. Her touching him now, like she’d been dreaming of this moment, makes me think that she did! That she, upon finally allowing herself to admit that she loves Natsume, has had lots of romantic, fluffy fantasies about kissing his hand and going on dates. She’s blushing, but she wants to do this, a small little touch that she is bold enough to try because she doesn’t know how long this moment will last for.

“I missed you.” I assume that’s her saying it, but it might have been him too. It doesn’t matter. They both feel it, called out for each other every night in the hopes that they would find each other under the stars.

But she asks again how he managed to find her and he answers simply that it’s because she was calling out to him. She denies it. After all, the calling was purely telepathic. She wasn’t verbally calling out to him. He maintains that she did, though, and that she had missed him so much that cosmic forces decided to give her a break. 

Mikan blushes out of embarrassment to be put on the spot so she accuses him of making up stories. He seems disappointed that it wasn’t true, since he found her on the basis that she wanted to see him. It’s only then that Mikan concedes his theory might be onto something. 

Some things change but others stay the same.

Even though they’re in love (with their current relationship status being a question mark), their interactions haven’t changed much. Natsume still loves to tease and act cool, though he’s a lot bolder after confessing and finding out his feelings are reciprocated. Likewise, Mikan still gets annoyed with him and his posturing. He hums, all satisfied, and Mikan muses that he was calling for her too, because she hears his voice all the time. They’d been yearning for each other then, desperate to see each other, just as much. It's all reciprocal, and that changes some aspects of the dynamic.

Prior to that bad night, Mikan was always unsure of Natsume's feelings, always confused by him, and that led to her withdrawing from her own feelings for him. But now they both now the truth... so what happens now?

Natsume seems agitated that he can’t save her after all, but Mikan reassures him that she’s content with his presence here. Just being with him for now is enough, and even though he annoys her, seeing him has made her so happy she’s had all her Christmas presents for a lifetime. That’s quite a statement, that he makes her so happy, even when he’s bugging her. But this talk about presents reminds her that he had given her a present and she didn’t have anything prepared for him. So she asks him what he would like from her, eager to give him something too. 

So interesting to see Natsume when he's no longer holding back. Even though Mikan has made her feelings known, and has become a little more open as a result, she's definitely still restraining herself. Not him... He's as bold as can be.

When he requests a kiss, Mikan is flabbergasted. The audacity of this boy! And he says it again, just in case she didn’t hear. Kiss. Mikan freaks out, again embarrassed. It’s one thing that they did it before. There was no conversation about it and it wasn’t on her to start it. For all of Mikan fantasizing about kissing his hand and whatever else, she’s still not entirely secure. After all, she still struggles with saying the words, “I love you” out loud to him and all this romantic affection is done with a degree of hesitation because it’s still vulnerable and not something she’s used to. 

He doesn’t seem to consider it a big deal. He’s unashamed for asking, his face devoid of embarrassment. That probably just makes her more embarrassed, so she tries to get him to ask for something else, until he trips a little on the balcony and she grabs him to keep him with her. He keeps downplaying it, even after almost “falling,” calling it “just a kiss,” and giving her a ridiculous time limit because he’ll fall in thirty seconds if she doesn’t.

It’s nonsense. She knows it’s nonsense.

But the thing is that she wants to. She wants to kiss him. Just like she struggles with openly verbalizing her feelings for him, she also struggles with physically showing him. She’s embarrassed, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to. It’s just uncomfortable and nerve-wracking. He gives her plenty of excuses to do it--she calls him a pervert for wanting a kiss after all, so maybe she’s a pervert for wanting to kiss him too--so she can say she kissed him because he would have fallen if she didn’t, or because he asked her to, or as gratitude that he came all this way to see her. 

And she doesn’t have to be so embarrassed either, because it’s just the two of them, and he’s the one who asked for the kiss so he won’t be making fun of her for it. She gives in, blushing the whole time, and slowly leans in to kiss him. 

Last year, Natsume just kinda grabbed her and smooched her.

When Mikan is the one initiating, she’s much slower. This is partially because she’s embarrassed, but I think it’s also because she’s apparently had very romantic little dreams about being with him, and a slow, sweet kiss is what she has in mind. 

These chapters contain some of the most magical panels in the whole manga, really amping up that fairytale vibe. It's all for you, Mikan!

Five panels of kissing, this time, if you were curious.

Which means it's another long kiss.

He holds her wrists and she clings to his shirt collar (the Kermit the Frog shirt collar…). When they pull away, she’s blushing and tearing up, overcome with emotion, but she closes her eyes again, almost like she wants to lean in again, or have him lean in. Until he asks her for another kiss and then she gets overwhelmed again. She refuses to do it again for her own health, and though he thinks that’s silly, that a kiss never killed anybody, he lets it go. But he has another request.

He wants her to tell him she loves him, properly, from her own mouth. None of that telepathic nonsense anymore. 

But Mikan could barely handle kissing him, let alone saying those words. After all, he already got his present! And he should say it too! But he easily agrees to say it after she does.

I think Mikan agrees here because it’s only fair. She knows that too. Natsume has said it out loud, and even though he hasn’t said it properly to her yet, he still said it. She was too afraid to, even with the threat of never seeing him again. She understands why he’d want to hear it and he deserves to hear it. 

There’s no room for lumping herself with others anymore. She can’t hide behind “everyone” or “people.” This isn't about how everyone feels; it's about her and her specific feelings of romantic love for only him. She has to speak for herself, to be honest and tell him how she feels even though she rarely has. She has to confront the fears she has about vulnerability with Natsume and just tell him already. Even though she’s incredibly embarrassed, her whole face red, her eyes shut, she finally says it.

“I love you.”

We finally get words said out loud! 144 chapters in!

The thing is that if Natsume didn’t ask for a kiss or a confession, Mikan probably wouldn’t give either. Not because she doesn’t want to or because she doesn’t love him, but because she’s too scared. I’d said before that Natsume plays an interesting role in her life because he forces her out of her comfort zone while also being her comfort zone. He refuses to coddle her or let her hide in her insecurities, something she’d keep up with no matter how much she wanted otherwise, and encourages her to do scary things. But even when he’s getting her out of her comfort zone, he doesn’t become mean. 

She insults him, just to soften the confession for her own sake, to make it easier on herself. He doesn’t insult her back, just disregards her barbs and tells her he loves her too. If she kisses him, he’ll kiss back. If she says she loves him, he’ll say it back. He wants her to do these things because he needs to know she feels the same way. She wants to do these things because she loves him too, but she needs a little help in gathering the courage and will to do it. 

She obviously doesn't mind kissing back, but initiating is still a bit scary for her.

He’s very gentle, saying it back, taking her hands, and kissing her again. He’ll go easy on her and initiate again this time. Very nice.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Five

They kiss. 

They kiss more.

He kisses her and she kisses back and they hug and hold hands and hold onto each other. When they pull away, they keep holding onto each other.

For all of her embarrassment, she doesn’t seem to mind kissing when she’s not initiating, probably because there’s less pressure involved when you’re just kissing back. 

He says he loves her more than anyone, and that he will forever.

She doesn’t say it out loud--because she’s always holding back a little--but she feels the same way. She doesn’t have a gift for him (and how interesting that the kiss didn’t really feel like an adequate gift to her after all), but he has her feelings for him: unstoppable and only for him. 

Which means that she only has romantic feelings for Natsume. 

She doesn’t want to part, but to stay like this forever. His alice is always looming over them, sure, but there’s also the inevitable end of this rendezvous, the knowledge that this miracle will pass and he will be gone again. She won’t have him to kiss or touch or argue with anymore, and that prospect scares her, so she wishes this moment could last forever.

He tells her he will rescue her and asks her to wait for him. She remembers his wish from months ago, that he could be an adult and save her. He always wants to protect her and he always does. He’s reliable and if anyone could save her, it would be Natsume, her prince in this fairytale. He’ll save her and they’ll have their happy ending.

She wants her fairytale. She will wait for him.

So she happily agrees to wait for him, no matter how long it takes. Even so long after the Sports Festival, she never lost her resolve to believe in him. Patient love, what she's been holding onto all this time. But she wants her happy ending, so she tells him not to push himself too much. She doesn’t want to be free at the cost of his life. She wants him to save her so they can be together, and if she can’t have that, then he shouldn’t save her “no matter what it takes.” If he's not there, she can't have her happy ending.

She holds onto him, to cling to him and maybe to remind herself that he’s here--living and breathing--because she doesn’t want to imagine otherwise. She wants to get through to him, but he doesn’t agree to her request, and changes the subject when he spots her flickering alice stone. 

This is the stone she made, thinking of all her precious loved ones, including him. All of her wishes of protection and love are in the stone, so she considers it like her heart. Her love for many people went into it, but she wants him to have it. She’s trusting him to take care of it, to take care of her heart. 

The fragment she gave him before wasn���t enough. This whole time, ever since she realized that red stone really was his all along, Mikan has wanted to give him a worthier stone, and this is her chance, even if it isn’t Valentine’s Day. 

She’s giving him her heart and honestly conveying her feelings. I think Natsume’s pushes to kiss and confess made her feel way more comfortable with saying how she feels, even in one night, to the point where she can now offer him her alice stone (her whole heart) without freaking out about it. And she’s initiating without his prompting!

She takes it a step further when she happily exclaims that the alice stone exchange romantic tradition is now complete! Now they’ll be together forever.

I'll always love girls proposing to boys in love stories like this.

He points out that she just proposed to him and her confidence wavers quite a bit, her face flushing. That is what she meant, so she can’t back out, but his blunt remark took her by surprise. Is she going too far? Was she reading too much into the moment?

Nope. He asserts it was him who first proposed anyway, who first made the alice stone exchange romantic. (I’m not entirely sure that’s true because Mikan made her little pebble thinking of protecting him, thinking of making him happy, and he’s the only one she wanted to give her stone to, whether she admitted her feelings for him were romantic at that point or not. Though he made his stone way before she did, she gave him that stone with secretly romantic wishes. But, on the contrary, he was never in denial about his feelings and gave her his stone fully cognizant of his intentions too… so… hard to say.) Anyway, he doesn’t have to say yes because he basically asked first. 

“With this, for eternity, you are mine.” He promises he’ll never give the stone back, even if she comes to hate him. He’s accepting the stone whole-heartedly, and she knows it’s in safe hands now with him, with somebody who treasures it so openly, to the point that he’s holding it to his mouth. They are so lovey-dovey this arc!

Another favorite page of mine. So cute.

Mikan goes back to freaking out, because if he originally attached the meaning, doesn’t that mean that this is a proposal? She struggles with getting the words out, but he waits for her to get the words out until she finally asks if he meant to propose.

Yes.

The moon is their witness. 

They kiss again.

Honestly, from Mikan’s point of view, Natsume’s suddenly romantic behavior would be pretty out of left field. It makes sense she’d be so nervous being vulnerable with him. He's been cold and mean in the past, so it will take some getting used to the bold and honest Natsume he feels safe to be now. But even though Natsume does tease her here (he has to; he’s Natsume still), he’s not cruel or mean about it. He’s just silly and pretty gentle all things considered, so she can go from being nervous and freaking out about kisses and “I love you”s until she feels comfortable with giving him her whole heart and getting engaged.

Sadly, their rendezvous ends, as it always had to eventually. The barrier snaps entirely back in place and Natsume doesn’t just fall down, he disappears from view entirely, like he was never there at all. Mikan looks up at the falling snow, watching the moon fade behind the clouds.

The moon, their witness.

Unfortunately this can't be the end. There's evil to be defeated, spells to be broken, tragedies to be faced.

I discussed this during the Natsume edition of this chapter, but the entire balcony scene is purposefully surreal. From Mikan’s point of view it always seemed dreamlike, with Natsume saying such lovely, romantic words that he hadn’t said before, kissing and holding each other the way they never had. He’s wearing an unusual outfit, they’re on a balcony like in a fairytale, like in Romeo and Juliet, her hair is down, it’s snowing… None of it feels real. Then Natsume completely disappears and the moon starts to fade away, and there’s no more proof that anything really happened at all. She doesn’t have Natsume’s warm hands to give her reassurance that he’s real. 

She’s alone, cold, on a balcony all by herself, and all of a sudden. There was no time for a good-bye, no time for assurances. Did this happen? Or was it a dream?

Conclusion

Mikan wasn't a romantic person earlier in the manga. She was optimistic, sure, but romance evaded her understanding and made her uncomfortable. But now, despite all the traumatic events she's experienced over the last year, Mikan's romantic love for Natsume has taken her optimism to new heights. Miracles happen, love can be confessed under a snowy moon, marriage can be proposed. Her head is full of the hope of her happy ending, but her fairytale perspective only means her heart will break that much more when everything is ripped away from her.

This is the last part of the essay that I fully enjoyed writing, sadly. I don't really care much for the next parts, since I dislike the narrative and writing choices. I'll post those parts, but if I come off as angry or uninspired, that's because I was for sure.

I love you, GA, but damn do you disappoint me...

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