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rpd-rookie · 4 years

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Five Stages of Fatherhood - Leon S. Kennedy x Reader

Summary: Fatherhood can be wonderful but for Leon Kennedy, fatherhood is scary and he is not ready for it at all. How is he going to process your unexpected news?

Author’s note: I wanted to release this one-shot for Father's Day but it was far from being finished. But here it is. I was mainly inspired by the recent posts I saw on Tumblr. I hope I did Leon justice and that you'll love this story as much as I loved writing it. Don’t forget to like/reblog and give me your impression.

Tags: Angst; Fatherhood ; Depression; Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism ;Anxiety; Language

Also Available on AO3

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

They say those are the five stages of grief. Five stages you must overcome to be at peace with yourself. Five stages you must experience, however hard and painful they are, to find the strength to pull yourself back together and keep on living. Leon knew those five stages all too well. He had experienced them more times than he could count through all those years fighting since the Raccoon City incident. They had paved his life, making him wonder why and if he would ever see an end to it all one day. But what he didn’t know is that he was about to experience them again. But in a new unexpected way he would have never imagined.

1. Denial

I’m pregnant. Three simple words that made his simple life suddenly not so simple anymore, repeating and echoing in his head, making him feel like his whole world was suddenly crumbling around him, over him, burying him under rubbles of fear and uncertainty. I’m pregnant. He didn’t just hear that. This was a dream, a hallucination due to sleep deprivation or a silly joke. It had to be. Because it couldn’t be real. This couldn’t happen to him. There was no way he had gotten you pregnant. Yes, you were fooling him. Right? … Right? He had a brief forced laugh, anxiety eating him up slowly. “Please tell me you’re joking.” Pinned to his desk chair, he stared at you waiting for a silly answer or an amused grin. He obviously got neither of them and so he immediately froze, watching you frowning at him with a look that was way too grave and serious to his taste. “Do you really think I would joke about something like this?” Why not? Anything would be better than those three words being the truth. “How can that be so absurd to you that I might be pregnant?” Pregnant? He felt suddenly dizzy. No fucking way.

Mouth slightly opened, confused and petrified blue eyes fixed upon you, and a marble immobility. That’s all that remained of Leon as he searched for something to say, something to think, something to reassure himself with, something to tell him that this conversation, this moment, was not happening right now.

Pregnant? Really? “I didn’t get you pregnant.” You stared at him in shock as he relentlessly shook his head. “I couldn’t. It’s not possible. I…” He cut himself off when he saw you looking away, huge tears suddenly flooding your usually joyful (colour) eyes.

Clearly, that wasn’t the reaction you expected from him. But that’s all his brain could process at the moment, the only thing it could find to keep him afloat, to prevent him from drowning in panic. “There must be some sort of mistake. I can’t be a father. This is not happening.” Leon was freaking out. He couldn’t deny it. The pounding of his heart in his chest was enough evidence. But years fighting BOWs had taught him not to show any ounce of panic even in the worst situations. So, mechanically, no emotion filtered through in voice, making it almost cold. Actually, it sounded so heartless it rooted you on the spot, unaware of what was going on right now in your boyfriend’s head and unable to understand that his weird reaction was just his reason trying to calm him down and help find a quick way-out before reaching an inevitable end. That inevitable end being Fatherhood.

“What are you saying?” You dared ask, your face suddenly pale because of the terrible things he implied. “I don’t want to be a father, Y/N.” He declared looking at you right in the eye. “I don’t want whatever you think is inside your womb right now.” You slumped in your chair, feeling speechless and shocked but most of all, insulted. Did he just call your child a ‘whatever’ and insinuated it wasn’t even there? Was he really denying everything? Saying you were wrong? “Take another test. I’m sure this must be some sort of mistake.” You stared at him, bewildered and fighting to prevent your tears from falling as shock was slowly yet surely turning into sorrow and anger.

2. Anger

“There’s no mistake, Leon. A gynaecologist confirmed it. I’m three months pregnant! Fuck, do you really think I denied this pregnancy on purpose?” There was a sudden knot in your throat, strangling all your words. Leon shrugged. “Honestly, Y/N, I don’t get how someone cannot realize they’re pregnant.” “Simple. Imagine your boyfriend almost dying in a bombing attack in DC, then pushing you out when you try to help him. Then one day, after an entire month watching him falling deeper and deeper into depression despite all your efforts to bring him comfort, you realise that he left without telling you where he’s going. After asking a few people, you learn that he’s decided to take some ‘vacation’ but you know all too well that this vacation of his is just him drowning himself in alcohol in some lousy hotel.” You spouted angrily, feeling all your hormones boiling inside of you. “And I guess you can also add his four weeks of radio silence and the worry you felt when you learn that he who you loved so freaking much was almost killed again in another bio-terrorist attack, this time in New York. I guess that’s a pretty good way to make you deny a pregnancy!” “Oh, so this is my fault?!” He asked, almost shouting, thinking your were accusing him when in fact you were just accusing the horrible stress and the worry you had felt for the last ten weeks or so. “I’m the alcoholic bastard who knocked you up and you’re the poor lost innocent girl? That’s what you’re saying?” “Do you even realise how hurtful you are? Do you really think that is what I want to hear right now?” You tried to block a sob, in vain and Leon sighed in exasperation as he briefly rolled his eyes. He won’t have your crocodile tears right now. “Don’t force me on a guilt trip, Y/N. Please.” He said, frozen stoicism making his features as strong and cold as marble. “Weren’t you on the pill, by the way?” He frowned, and a tear rolled down your cheek. You wiped it quickly. “You forgot it?”

You tried to answer but you knew that the second you would talk it would unleash Leon’s anger and you were not ready to bear it. “For fuck’s sake, Y/N.” Leon gritted his teeth and glared while you instinctively braced yourselves, hands holding tightly at the armrest of your chair. “You only had one thing to think about! One!” He growled, a scolding finger pointed at your face. “Take a fucking pill!” “I may have forgotten once” You whispered almost inaudibly. “Oh, you forgot?” He scoffed before slamming his hand against the wooden desk as he brutally stood up making you jump in your chair. “And then she blames me for my depression. Fantastic.” You frowned. That’s not what you had meant. “Leon…” “You’re as responsible as I am, Y/N. You may have not realised you were pregnant because of what I did but you are the one forgot to take a fucking pill. And, how could you forget? How could you screw my life, both our lives, like that?” Leon screamed as he walked in circles in his office, like a lion in a cage, except that he was lost. He was lost in fear, panic and anger. And he had no control over them. Hard to bear for someone usually so grounded. And that what was pissed him off the most in this situation. Not the news of your pregnancy but lack of control.

“Do you really think I want to be a father at the moment? Or ever? Do you really think our lives or this world are fit to welcome a kid right now?” His voice trembled, powerful emotions finally getting the better of him. A child of his could not be born in such an unsafe dark world. A child could not be part of his messed up cataclysmic life. Family was not made for him. He couldn’t be the devoted agent he was, save the world from awful monsters and have a normal life waiting for him at home. Leon had come to that conclusion years ago. And he even had accepted it long before meeting you. “No. But it’s there now. So please, let’s figure out what to do.” You begged, understanding his fear and yet still trying to reason with him. “What do you want to figure out, Y/N? I told you I didn’t want to be a father. And I thought I made that pretty clear when we had the baby conversation at the beginning of our relationship.” Crystal clear. No living together, no marriage, no children. So were the terms of your relationship. A sacrifice he had asked you to make if you truly wanted to be with him. And you had made it out of love for him. But there was someone else, someone else you loved as deeply as you loved Leon if not more.

“So what do I do?” You asked, lost, using the pronoun ‘I’ because you truly felt on your own right now. “Fuck, I don’t know, Y/N. I don’t fucking know.”

3. Bargaining

But you eventually made a choice, one Leon never saw coming. And all he got was a letter; a simple piece of paper to explain the sacrifice you had decided to make. A letter not even truly addressed to him that made him realise that words could indeed hurt more than actions because, had he had the choice, he would have taken a thousand knives in the heart over those hundreds painful tearstained words.

“My dear baby,

As I write this to you, you’re barely the size of a peach, taking a small place in my womb but already a big one in my heart in a way I never thought humanly possible. If someone had told me that one day I would love someone that intensely, that unconditionally to a point I would sacrifice everything for them, even my own life, I would have laughed to their face. But here you are, not even born and yet making me take a decision I never believed I would take. Giving up on the man I love. Yes, it’s going to be just the two of us from now on. Mother and child building a life together. Not the perfect family portrait but it will be ours and it will be full of love and tenderness. And I hope you’ll like it despite its flaws. I wish I had given you a dad but fate decided otherwise. He decided otherwise. But please, don’t hate him for that. Your dad is an incredible man. A man I love and will always love. A man that will always be a part of me whatever I do. A man that offered me the chance to be a mother. But he is not ready to make a room for you in his heart the way I did. I guess he would have under other circumstances but you don’t need to know them just yet. What you need to know is that your dad is a hero and that heroes sacrifice themselves. Always. Remember him that way. As a selfless man who chose the safety of the world – the world you live in - over his own happiness, because he’s done too much good for you or me to hate him. But don’t worry, my baby. While Daddy is making the world a safer place, I am here to make it a loving one.

I love you,

Your mum.”

That letter stayed on his coffee table for days, lying there for him to read again and again, next to a bottle of fine old whisky Leon would empty one glass after another, one regret after another, begging God –even though he did not believed in him – to bring you back to him.

There’s nothing worse than regrets, nothing worse than sitting alone with yourself and wait for sorrow to finally drown you, nothing worse than being lost in a maze of ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ and knowing that you cannot change anything.

What if he had made an effort? What if he had reacted otherwise and not like an ass? What if he had told you he loved you? What if he had said it would be okay? What if he had simply accepted this baby? How is life would be right now?

And he imagined it. He imagined himself at home with you in his arms, hand over your belly, feeling his child kicking and rolling under his palm. He imagined your smile, your soft giggles. Your happiness. And it crushed him. It crushed him because he wasn’t able to imagine anything else. He could not imagine the dark world he knew all too well. He could not imagine the fear or the pain he always thought he would feel in this situation.

And with regrets came guilt.

If only he had made and effort. If only he had reacted otherwise and not like an ass. If only he had told you he loved you. If only he had said it would be okay. If only he had accepted your baby. His life would be so much better right now.

4. Depression

But you were gone and with you all his hopes of future happiness. You had taken everything from him, leaving him alone, in the dark and purposeless, wandering in his fancy apartment with a new bottle of liquor each evening.

Leon knew depression. But this depression, the one he was experiencing right now, was the worst he had ever experienced. Because if you were gone, it was not because of a bullet, it was not because of a bomb or a BOW. It was because of him. It was entirely his fault. And he couldn’t even change it.

You would not see him, not even talk to him, despite all the messages left on your voicemail or the letters in which he apologized and begged you to come back, telling you if was ready to change and that he was ready to welcome this baby if it meant you'd be together again. And it destroyed him.

He became a mess and he eventually did what he did best. He left, finding refuge in an isolated part of America, a lost cottage in the mountains to drink his sorrow away in peace, somewhere where no one would judge him or find him.

He was wrong about the last part. As one day, after weeks and weeks of radio silence and isolation, an old friend came to knock at his door to kick his ass back to where he belonged. Guess there was no escaping Claire Redfield.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? The Leon I know would never sit there powerlessly and accept his fate that easily.” Leon would have sent anyone packing after a sentence like that one. But Claire wasn’t just anyone. He listened to her. “You want Y/N back? Then quit your bullshit, Leon, and go find her.” “She doesn’t want to talk to me, Claire.” She scoffed, taking his glass of whisky away from him and throwing the liquid away. “So what? You’re gonna stay here for the rest of your miserable life, drinking and crying, and concede defeat? That doesn’t sound like you.” He accepted her scolding, admitting she was right but he had lost the strength to fight. “I know it’s hard, Leon. I do.” Her tone was suddenly so soft and comforting. “I know what it is to lose someone you love as deeply as you love Y/N. But you can still fix it.” “How? She pushed me out of her life. She even moved out. She doesn’t want me anymore.” Claire sighed. “How naïve you are. She loves you. She wants you back. She really does but she doesn’t want you to accept this baby just because you feel like you don’t have a choice. She wants you to want it, truly want it.”

There was a silence, a moment of introspection in which Leon felt the fear and the anxiety rushing in his veins again, knotting his stomach tightly. “I’m not ready, Claire. I’m scared.” Tears misted up his tired blue eyes. “ I know. And it’s normal. But there’s a girl in a hospital out there who’s about to give birth to your child and she needs you, now more than ever.”

5. Acceptance

His head was dizzy, his hands were clammy and his legs were trembling. As Leon was following the nurse in the neonatology wing of the maternity hospital, dressed in a hospital uniform, he wondered if it was the smell of disinfectant or the fright he was feeling growing inside of him that was making him want to puke right now. Perhaps a little bit of both. “It’s this way.” The nurse opened a door and waved him to join her by a small incubator in the middle of the room, a sweet smile on her face.

But Leon froze, completely petrified. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t think. All he could do was watching at his five pounds of fear sleeping few steps away from him. “Someone’s here to see you, little angel. It’s your daddy.” Daddy? The word made Leon tremble and small tears appear in his eyes, tears that instantly grew bigger when the small creature finally moved its tiny arms. “Many fathers are afraid when they come here. But I assure you there’s nothing to fear. Your baby is fragile but you won’t hurt her, I promise.” Leon’s blue eyes met briefly the nurse before fixing themselves upon the face of the little thing lying in the incubator. “A daughter?” He had a daughter? He was the father of a little girl? This tiny angel in a pink beanie right there? He approached her, instinctively, wanting so badly to see her from up close. She was so beautiful and yet so tiny.

“Would you like to hold her?” Leon nodded, without thinking twice about it and the nurse made him sit down and remove the top of his hospital uniform, informing him that it would be better for his daughter to feel his skin since it was warmer and more reassuring than any fabric.

That first contact felt weird but Leon was certain of one thing, he had never hold anything so minuscule, light and fragile in his entire life. It scared him for a second, afraid she would break, but the instinct to protect her was stronger than anything else. “I’ll leave you two alone. If you need anything I’m not far.” Leon didn’t notice the nurse leave, mesmerized by that piece of him nestled in his arms right against his naked chest, watching her with wonder and awe, barely believing that he had made this … that you both had made this. “You’re so perfect.” He whispered as he dared caress her soft tender rosy cheek. His skin felt so rough against hers that she grimaced slightly. “So pure.”

Her hands were so little, just like her feet. Leon touched her fingers, still impressed by their size and shivered when they suddenly grabbed his index. “Wow, how strong you are, little princess.” He grinned, looking at her weak grip until he felt a pair of eyes staring at him.

They were dark and blue, soft innocent baby eyes scrutinizing him with astonishment, discovering his face and bonding with him in ways Leon had never thought possible. He could see the world in those blue eyes just as much as his daughter was discovering the world through his. And he could feel love, strong and unconditional, a love he would never be able to feel for anyone else, he was sure of it. A fatherly love. One that would make him move mountains just for the sake of protecting his child. One that would make him give up his life for hers. How beautiful yet how scary.

And he cried tears of joy and guilt, happy to have her in his life and yet sorry that he hadn’t be there for her sorry. He had missed too much. First echography, first move, first kick, first cry. All that because of fear and stubbornness. And he felt awful because of it.

A hand pressed gently on his shoulder. Leon turned around to see you standing next to him, a tired smile on your face. “Y/N” You knelt by his side, softly caressing the head of your daughter who had fallen asleep in the strong arms of her father. “I’m sorry... I am so sorry. I should have been there for you.” “ You’re here now. And that’s all that matters.”

Yes, he was here and he would remain here, by his daughter’s side and by yours, until his last breath. For first steps, first words, first birthday, first drawing, first day at school, first love, first heartbreak. He would forever be here for her and make the world a safer place for her. He had finally found a reason to keep fighting. And it was five pounds of pure love.

Little (baby’s name) Claire Kennedy.

Making his life brighter despite five stages of fatherhood he would willingly go through again if it meant he could hold her in his arms forever.

#leon s kennedy #leon kennedy #resident evil #leon kennedy x reader #leon s kennedy x reader #one shot #fanfic

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thevoilinauttheory · 5 years

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Prompt #15 1/2: Anger (Free Pass for Reblog)

( For @sea-wolf-coast-to-coast‘s FFxivWrite2019 - for reblogging the updated rules post )

( Prelude to Prompt 2: Bargain; continuation of Prompt 15: Denial )

( Dark!AU where Lothaire goes mad with the grief of losing his husband. )

( Warnings: Dark themes, murder, graphic ways to die. )

This begins the story of Lotaire's anger, his rage, the fire that was left unattended in his eyes, the fury, the hatred, the storm of madness that left him hysterical. The longest of his stages; for days upon weeks, many innocents felt his wrath.

There was no research to be done on souls or bodies, no...this time, this time it was just for the revenge. He recalled the faces of many who stood around and did nothing. They were the first to go.

One. The noblewoman who stood at the corner of the alleyway behind him, watching the scene play out like a theatre drama. She was found strung up like a marionette puppet to the ceiling planks of her home - alive she was, enough to struggle; her mouth sewn shut to portray her silence. The strings and nails cut deeply, but it was the shock that killed her.

What a way to die, like a doll in fate's design. A drama you wanted, a drama you became.

Two. The poor man who watched him clutch his husband so tightly, never rushing for aid, never approaching to ask or comfort. He knew him well. And yet, the chirurgeon's found him strapped to a medic's bed, flailing. An IV of slow acting poison burned through his veins, and even if he were to call for help...none would hear his cries, for his mouth too was sewn shut. Slowly, slowly, until the poison had him fall to his knees, gasping for air like the man he watched die.

You could have tried to help. You could have gone for aid. Instead, the silence had you staring. Now you will know the pain of never being able to reach for help.

Three. The dockworker whom had finished his rounds, relaxing at the Forgotten Knight. Drunken, he had stumbled past Lothaire as he carried the body of his dead husband. "Ha, that's a lot of blood, that looks bad. You should get that looked at." He had the nerve to say. He had the gall to point out the death he held. He was found in an inn room, after making his rounds at work - blood spilled upon the floor. The wood was practically painted in it, like it was forcibly spread to every inch. The body staked to the wall, drained of every bit of life.

...That's a lot of blood. You should get that looked at. It can't be good for your health.

Four. The shopowner that watched as Misha was swept away by a stranger, the woman who had noticed the concern and worry on Lothaire's face as he chased them down. She was found tied and gagged, fingertips bloodied from dragging her nails upon the cobblestone. Dragged away she was, and with no one to watch. Silence is worse than emptiness. Most of her body had been burnt to ash, with only her head and arms remaining.

The burning one feels when they're worried, you will feel it too. But I cannot plant emotions in your head, so instead you will feel it physically. You watched as he was torn away from me, and now you will know the same fear.

The city began to lockdown - a string of murders, yet none of them related. No one could know the inner workings of the mind of this killer...yet all of them were guilty of the same crime. As the citizens began to close their homes and hide, the guard marched about every street. And one patrol after another would find the heartbroken man seething in the alley his husband died in. One patrol after another would have their bodies littered upon the same ground. Until there was nothing but rot and madness that formed in that alleyway. Perhaps he couldn't raise them perfectly...but.

The people cried for help as the bodies of long rotting guardsmen shambled about the city. Help, they shout for? Help? And where was mine when I needed it? They attacked everything in sight, and the more that fell, the more that rose. Houses and stores were boarded up - the only ones allowed outside were those trained as soldiers. Even then, they still wished to play it safe. There was only one who not only braved being outdoors, but stood up to Lothaire.

"Lothaire? What has gotten into you, what is going on?" The pained and troubled face of his father was met with the tear-stained and mad smile of his son. Fleurgeant could not help but recoil, for it was the same expression that his own father had held so many years ago upon Caromont's death. "Hello...father...I. They. They killed him." He couldn't find the words, his son - his only son, his only child - was gone. The sweetness, the kindness, the curiosity and passion...gone. "Misha...they killed him. Did you not...hear?" "N-no, I did not...no one knows where these murders and undead are coming from. Was this...all you?" "They...brought it upon themselves." He was at a loss, while he disowned his father for the same mad dealings, right now it seemed he actually feared for his life at the hands of his son. He couldn't disown him, no matter how mad, how troubled, how silent or angry. "My son, please...stop this, there has been enough death..." "Enough? Enough?! You wish to tell me of enough when I am faced with losing --" "Just like your grandfather - please, Lothaire." "...I'm not done yet. There's still one more."

Five. The man who started it all. The abuse. The attempts at killing his daughter. The shouting. The assault. The one who killed him. Sabeloux found himself in the same position as Misha. Under Lothaire's boot, heel crushing his ribcage. The knife in his hand perfectly sharpened. "It should have been me, and now it will be you." Lothaire's aim was not as well founded as Sabeloux's, however it cut deeply into the side of his neck when thrown down. And so he was left to choke on his own blood and gag as Misha did.

A fitting way to die. As he did. You deserve a worse fate than death, though. I regret not giving it to you.

#FFxivWrite2019 #prompt 15 1/2 #free pass #about: Lothaire Voilinaut #two worlds #in thick ink

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chabab2021-blog · 5 years

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The Five Stages of Grief

When we lose a loved one, the pain we experience can feel unbearable. Understandably, grief is complicated and we sometimes wonder if the pain will ever end. We go through a variety of emotional experiences such as anger, confusion, and sadness.

A theory developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross suggests that we go through five distinct stages of grief after the loss of a loved one: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.1

Illustration by Emily Roberts, Verywell

Denial

The first stage in this theory, denial can help us to minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain. It can be hard to believe we have lost an important person in our lives, especially when we may have just spoken with this person the previous week or even the previous day. Our reality has shifted completely in this moment of loss. It can take our minds some time to adjust to this new reality.

Denial is not only an attempt to pretend that the loss does not exist. We are also trying to absorb and understand what is happening.

We are reflecting on experiences we have shared with the person we lost, and we might find ourselves wondering how to move forward in life without this person. This is a lot of information to explore and a lot of painful imagery to process. Denial attempts to slow this process down and take us through it one step at a time, rather than risk the potential of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions.

Anger

it is common for people to experience anger after the loss of a loved one. We are trying to adjust to a new reality and we are likely experiencing extreme emotional discomfort. There is so much to process that anger may feel like it allows us an emotional outlet.

Keep in mind that anger does not require us to be very vulnerable. However, it tends to be more socially acceptable than admitting we are scared. Anger allows us to express emotion with less fear of judgment or rejection.

Unfortunately, anger tends to be the first thing we feel when we start to release emotions related to loss. This can leave you feeling isolated in your experience and perceived as unapproachable by others in moments when we could benefit from comfort, connection, and reassurance.

Bargaining

It is common when coping with loss to feel so desperate that you are willing to do almost anything to alleviate or minimize the pain. Losing a loved one can cause us to consider any way we can avoid the current pain or the pain we are anticipating from loss. There are many ways we may try to bargain.

Bargaining can come in a variety of promises including:

"I promise to be better if you will let this person live."

"God, if you can heal this person I will turn my life around."

"I'll never get angry again if you can stop him/her from dying or leaving me."

When bargaining starts to take place, we are often directing our requests to a higher power, or something bigger than we are that may be able to influence a different outcome. There is an acute awareness of our humanness in these moments when we realize there is nothing we can do to influence change or a better outcome. This feeling of helplessness can cause us to react in protest by bargaining, which gives us a perceived sense of control over something that feels so out of control.

While bargaining we also tend to focus on our faults or regrets. We might look back at our interactions with the person we are losing and note all of the times we felt disconnected or may have caused them pain. It is common to recall times when we may have said things we did not mean, and wish we could go back and behave differently. We also tend to make the drastic assumption that if things had played out differently, we would not be in such an emotionally painful place in our lives.

Depression

During our experience of processing grief, there comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we slowly start to look at the reality of our present situation. Bargaining no longer feels like an option and we are faced with what is happening. We start to feel more abundantly the loss of our loved one.

As our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to clear and the loss feels more present and unavoidable. In those moments, we tend to pull inward as the sadness grows. We might find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to others about what we are going through. Although this is a very natural stage of grief, dealing with depression after the loss of a loved one can be extremely isolating.

Acceptance

When we come to a place of acceptance, it is not that we no longer feel the pain of loss. However, we are no longer resisting the reality of our situation, and we are not struggling to make it something different. Sadness and regret can still be present in this phase, but the emotional survival tactics of denial, bargaining, and anger are less likely to be present.

Types of Grief

As we consider the five stages of grief, it is important to note that people grieve differently and you may or may not go through each of these stages, or experience each of them in order. The lines of these stages are often blurred—we may move from one stage to the other and possibly back again before fully moving into a new stage.

Also, there is no specific period suggested for any of these stages. Someone may experience the stages fairly quickly, such as in a matter of weeks, where another person may take months or even years to move through to a place of acceptance. Whatever time it takes for you to move through these stages is perfectly normal.

Your pain is unique to you, your relationship to the person you lost is unique, and the emotional processing can feel different to each person. It is acceptable for you to take the time you need and remove any expectation of how you should be performing as you process your grief.

Additional Models

Although the five stages of grief developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is considered one of the most easily recognizable models of grief and bereavement, there are other models of grief to be noted as well.2 Each model or theory works to explain patterns of how grief can be perceived and processed. Researchers on grief and bereavement hope to use these models to provide understanding to those who are hurting over the loss of a loved one, as well as offer information that can help those in the healing professions provide effective care for those in need of informed guidance. The following are additional examples of theories related to grief.

Attachment Theory and Grief

Legendary psychologist John Bowlby focused his work on researching the emotional attachment between parent and child.3 From his perspective, these early experiences of attachment with important people in our lives, such as caregivers, help to shape our sense of safety, security, and connections.

British psychiatrist Colin Murray Parkes developed a model of grief based on Bowlby's theory of attachment, suggesting there are four phases of mourning when experiencing the loss of a loved one:4

Shock and Numbness. Loss in this phase feels impossible to accept. Most closely related to Kübler-Ross's stage of denial, we are overwhelmed when trying to cope with our emotions. Parkes suggests that there is physical distress experienced in this phase as well, which can lead to somatic (physical) symptoms.

Yearning and Searching. As we process loss in this phase, we may begin to look for comfort to fill the void our loved one has left. We may try to do so by reliving memories through pictures and by looking for signs from the person to feel connected to them. In this phase, we become very preoccupied with the person we have lost.

Despair and Disorganization. We may find ourselves questioning and feeling angry in this phase. The realization that our loved one is not returning feels real, and we can have a difficult time understanding or finding hope in our future. We may feel a bit aimless in this phase and find that we retreat from others as we process our pain.

Reorganization and Recovery. As we move into this phase, our life feels more hopeful. We may begin to feel like our hearts and minds can be restored. As with Kübler-Ross's acceptance stage, this phase of reorganization and recovery does not mean that we will not still feel sadness or longing for our loved one. However, this phase offers us a place of healing and reconnecting with important people in our lives for support. We find small ways to reestablish a sense of normalcy in our lives daily.

How to Help

Avoid Rescuing or Fixing

It can be so difficult to know what to say to someone who has experienced loss. We do our best to offer comfort, but sometimes our best efforts can feel inadequate and unhelpful. One thing to remember is that the person who is grieving does not need to be fixed. In our attempts to be helpful, we tend to try to rescue people from their pain so they will feel better. We provide uplifting, hopeful comments or even try to offer them humor to help ease their pain. Although the intention is positive, this approach can leave people feeling as if their pain is not seen, heard, or valid.

Don't Force It

Another method people often use that tends to go wrong is forcing people to talk about their pain when they are not ready. We want so much to help and for the person to feel better, so we believe that nudging them to talk and process their emotions will help them faster. This is not necessarily true, and it can be an obstacle to their healing.

Make Yourself Accessible

One of the most helpful things we can do is to offer space for people to grieve. In doing this, we are letting the person know that we are available and accessible when they are ready to talk. We can invite them to talk with us, but remember to provide understanding and validation if they are not ready to talk just yet. At that point, you can remind them that you are available when they feel ready and not to hesitate to come to you.

A Word From Verywell

It is important to remember that everyone copes with loss differently. While you may find that you experience all five stages of grief, you may also find that it is difficult to classify your feelings into any one of the stages. Have patience with yourself and your feelings in dealing with loss. Allow yourself time to process all of your emotions, and when you are ready to speak about your experiences with loved ones or a healthcare professional, do so. If you are supporting someone who has lost a loved one, remember that you don't need to do anything specific, but allow them room to talk about it when they are ready.

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brainfoodgp · 8 years

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Brain Food Garden Project Blog/January 2017

“So a lot of difficulties, a lot of problems, but when you carry out the work, and the more difficulties you encounter, then when you see some results the greater the joy. Isn’t it? -Dalai Lama-

I am standing at the edge. I have been standing on the edge of a deep dark canyon for a while now. I would be lying to you, I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t write those words to open this first Brain Food Garden Project blog of the New Year.

When I started the hashtag #CandorSavesLives soon to be two years ago, it wasn’t meant to be just a catchy little way to get people to share their important and often healing stories of recovery. It was also a reminder to myself that speaking my truth every day was an important wellness tool at my disposal in keeping myself well. So for me not to say the words, “I am standing at the edge,” would be a grave disservice to myself and to those I go to work every day to serve and advocate for in the mental health community.

I know from my work that I am not alone in the way “change” affects my manic depression. Violent change in fact can send me reeling in ways that those with a healthy brain could never possibly comprehend. If you are indifferent to the violent changes our country, our world is currently witnessing then you probably voted for the fascist, authoritarian regime that has quickly, in just a few short days, started to dismantle our democracy and this is probably where you should stop reading.

I have been working hard to keep myself centered using all of the wellness tools I have developed for myself over the past several years. However, the bad days I’ve been experiencing lately have far outweighed the good. Trying to understand how my own mother could have been taken in by a tyrant has been the predominant theme of my therapy sessions lately. The uncertainty of the authoritarian states dismantling of the Affordable Care Act and how the very community I serve will be directly affected, including myself has occupied my brain on an ever ending loop. My hopes for the progress I thought we were starting to make as a citizenry has been sledgehammered and it seems my brain on most days incapable of picking up the splintered tiny pieces.

There have been moments of reconciliation, small seeds of gratitude sprinkled into the moist soil of my brain like the Women’s March that I hope will grow my warrior skin back, enabling me to fight on. I thought I was strong enough to start my first Farm School class of the year, further seeds of gratitude planted. However, the intensity of the Food Justice course and a two day ending racism seminar only left me with deeper questions about my own place in the movement and brought back plaguing questions about how to move forward with Brain Food Garden Project. My ongoing depression kept me away from several classes and I will need to retake the course next year. That is one of the worst parts of depression it makes you doubt yourself and your abilities.

I have known for some time that January would be a difficult month for me. It marks the anniversaries of the death of two people that were very important in my life my grandmother who died two years ago this month and the fresher pain of the loss of my friend Todd to suicide last year. The idea of loss has been heavily on my mind since the outcome of our election in November as well. I have been relying heavily on the 7 Stages of Grief to help me through and it has been very helpful in understanding that the depression I am in right now is temporary. It is not the completely crushing and demoralizing blow of bipolar depression, but a depression that if I continue to work hard and use the wellness tools at my disposal I will be able to see myself through in the end.

We are all grieving for someone, some of us are grieving for the state of our world even. So for the first blog back of the New Year I thought it was a perfect time to discuss the 7 Stages of Grieving in our feature for January. Also, this year we are changing up the Top 5, which normally looks back on the top five social media posts from the month. Keep your eyes posted to this section moving forward because we are changing the name to “Notes From The Resistance” and we will be featuring articles that look at just how the new fascist order are treating those most effected in the food justice community and those with mental health concerns. I’ll be back with “What I’m Reading” next month with a special February book edition of the blog. And finally, this month a new comfort food recipe for you to try in your home kitchen. If you are anything like me the temptation of gorging on junk food when you are depressed is overwhelming but comfort food doesn’t need to be processed food. My time in the kitchen cooking even provides a necessary action for getting me out of bed when my brain doesn’t want me to lift my head from the pillow.

The BFGP Feature:

The Seven Stages of Grief

The first mistake I always make for myself is thinking that grieving is a linear progression. I forget that grieving is different for everyone with one commonality the process of chaotic twists and turns we all go through and how little to do with logical thinking the entire process entails. Many people use the 5 Stages of Grieving model. However, I have always found the 7 Stages directly connected with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s amazing book On Death and Dying to be the most helpful for me. Let’s first look at the stages as described by RecoverfromGrief.com:

1. Shock & Denial- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. Pain & Guilt- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape these feelings.

3. Anger & Bargaining- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair

5. The Upward Turn- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

6. Reconstruction & Working Through- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. Acceptance & Hope- During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

It is somehow comforting to me to know where I fall in my process of grieving. It keeps me five steps back from the edge of the precipice because for me stepping off the ledge isn’t an option anymore. For now I seem to be stuck between steps 3 & 4. However, the more people I speak with I am not the only one weaving back and forth down this long dark road alone. For me the object is to simply stay on the road. And for me the way that I am doing this is to work through my wellness tools, to continue to be as honest with myself about my feelings as I possibly can and to not close myself off entirely sharing those feelings with like-minded people that understand where I am coming from.

If you are like me and are dealing with the wide range of emotions for what our country is facing but also have the loss of loved one’s deep on your psyche. You will need to work even harder to pinpoint what the specific emotion you’re experiencing at the given moment is and where that places you on the list. It is very important to be able to separate all of what you might be grieving for and pinpoint the emotion directly to better help you in your recovery process.

I believe working through my grief is the only way to avoid long term trauma. I have a mission for my life and it is important to me that I honor that mission. I believe that the quote I used to open this month’s blog by the Dalai Lama speaks volumes to this: “So a lot of difficulties, a lot of problems, but when you carry out the work, and the more difficulties you encounter, then when you see some results the greater the joy. Isn’t it? To get to this place I need to fully work through my grief. Only then will I be able to honor my mission fully. Only then will the enormity and power of my true mission become crystal clear and fruitfully realised.

Notes From The Resistance:

If you had asked someone from my generation, a generation that watched Walter Cronkite and then Dan Rather on the evening news with our family every night, if words like “fake news” would one day topple our democracy. Most of us would have given you the classic Scooby Doo “Ruh-roh!” Then again we are now living in a world of “alternative facts” spun by the new propaganda machine of the new fascist, authoritarian state. We as a first step to resistance must never allow ourselves to normalize any of this. And so every month Brain Food Garden Project will do our part to bring you 5 articles highlighting this administrations horrible lack of policy and mind numbing and voracious speed in ripping our Constitution to shreds and disenfranchise any human being not part of the rich white male oligarchy. Our content will be food justice, food equity and mental health parity/advocacy based. However, we will not shy away from privilege or any other important issues threatening our democracy. So please read on…

1. Trump’s dismantling of the Affordable Care Act with absolutely no replacement plan is going to shorten the lives of millions of Americans. Those of us with mental health concerns will suffer too. Click here

2. For us not to care about our treaties with the rightful custodians of this land is something that has gone on for generations. Each and everyone of us should defend the rights to the indigenous peoples sacred ground and the protection of their water supply. Click Here

3. Our moto is the only walls we should be building in America are walls that grow more food to feed us. Trump’s isolationism, the wall, deportation of immigrants and so many other hurtful unconstitutional policies are meant to drive a wedge between us. But they are also going to put great burdens on our food supply. This article on avocados from Mexico is only the beginning. Click Here

4. Trump hates science and this article is the first of many I plan on posting on the subject. Click Here

5. White Privilege is one of the main reasons Trump was able to gain control of our democracy. We are not afraid to own it or discuss it at BFGP. This article by one of my favorite authors hits the nail on the head perfectly. Click Here

Healthy & Delicious Recipes:

Avocado’s are high in fiber, potassium, Vitamin E and folic acid. As well as being a good source of fat. I am not looking forward to avocados going up in price. They are already what I consider a necessary splurge on my food budget due to the fact avocado’s have also been proven to aid in brain health. Avocado toast is one of my favorite quick go to breakfasts and I have even been known to make a version or two of my favorites for dinner. These are five of my favorites from What’s Gabby Cooking. Check them out here

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junker-town · 7 years

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THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE: When Texas A&M snatched THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE honors from Texas

The Aggies didn’t just blow a 34-point lead. They also ruined what had been a delightful weekend of laughing at Texas and Baylor. Here was the online meltdown.

Texas A&M was winning its Week 1 game against UCLA, one day after former conference rivals Texas and Baylor had lost upsets.

Mood: Aggies http://pic.twitter.com/5NsqmCXF3h

— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) September 4, 2017

Texas A&M blew a 34-point lead and lost.

Texas: What a terrible opener Baylor: Hold my beer A&M: lololololololololol y’all ain’t seen nothin'

— TexAgs (@TexAgs) September 4, 2017

That fake-spike touchdown happened after the clock was already stopped.

Sumlin just made all of the shit I talked to UT invalid

— Jack R. Landingham (@KINGGJACK) September 4, 2017

Let’s check in and see how Aggies fans responded afterward.

A literal university regent immediately announced he intends to vote for Kevin Sumlin’s firing.

I'm sure I may be criticized for this post but I honestly don't care. I've been on the Board of Regents for the A&M System for almost seven years. During that time, I've not once commented on Kevin Sumlin and his performance during his tenure at our school. I never said a word when he and his agent manipulated a much bigger and longer contract. I said nothing about his arrogance and his mishandling of multiple player controversies. I said nothing when we had multiple awesome recruiting classes, only to see key players leave our school or underperform. But tonight I am very disappointed and I have to say this. Kevin Sumlin was out-coached tonight, which isn't new. He recruits well, but can't coach the big games, or the close games. Our players were better tonight. Our players were more talented tonight. But our coaches were dominated on national TV, yet again. I'm only one vote on the Board of Regents but when the time comes my vote will be that Kevin Sumlin needs to GO. In my view he should go now. We owe it to our school and our players. We can do better.

Share this as you see fit.

Shortly after that, the popular Aggie message board at TexAgs broke.

Live look at our site. Nice work, everyone. http://pic.twitter.com/4PIIlXBm72

— TexAgs (@TexAgs) September 4, 2017

Once the site was back up, the vibe was as follows.

Checking in on TexAgs... http://pic.twitter.com/gGfXlf0svy

— Jake Trotter (@Jake_Trotter) September 4, 2017

THREAD: “Legitimate Business Opportunity”

All,

With the inevitable collapse of Aggie football this year I would like to personally invite all of you to get in on the ground floor of my new up and coming business.

We will be selling tarps, similar to the ones at Baylor, to cover unsold seats for upcoming home games.

Kyle Field is a beautiful place and I would hate for the appeal to be ruined by empty seats. So join me in my quest to monopolize the college station tarp business and make Kevin Sumlin type money.

All name suggestions will be considered.

THREAD: “Not letting A&M ruin college football for me”

Instead of just giving up on college football because our season is over, I'm planning to just be a college football fan until Sumlin is fired. I hope we go 11-1 from here on out, but I'm not going to spend any time watching this team. I'm going to watch as much college football as I can, without all the normal thoughts that go through my head while watching games (ex/ is this good for A&M, etc), and just be a fan. We'll see how it goes.

The first reply:

Congratulations!

And the second:

We're all f'ed.

For so many reasons, my favorite current TexAgs thread is “Go Get Major Applewhite”

— Dan Wolken (@DanWolken) September 4, 2017

THREAD: “Things we could have bought with Sumlin’s salary this year”:

1. Twenty-five Lamborghini's

2. A really nice house

3. Ten private shows by Katy Perry

4. Seven Waffle Houses

5. 270,000,000 Skittles

Any one of those would have given us equal chance at beating UCLA.

THREAD: “Land Kiffin”

THREAD: “Ruined the TV remote”

THREAD: “SUMLIN SHOULD RESIGN”

ANY MAN WITH AN OUNCE OF SELF RESPECT AND LOVE FOR ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLY WOULD RESIGN AFTER THAT.

FIRE. SUMLIN.

THREAD “OFFICIAL MELTDOWN THREAD”

Fire Sumlin and make him pay for his own plane ticket home. Mond needs to change positions.

I believe you described the "bargaining" stage of grief ... You have progressed passed the denial and anger stages which is good. Next is depression which will be tough. Let me know if you need someone to talk you through it.

The Aggies forum at 247Sports looked on the bright side.

THREAD: “well, let us and horns laugh at each other and feel better”

Horns lost to maryland in all aspects and we lost 34 point lead. we can all laugh at each other now and feel better about selfs.

THREAD: “It's okay guys we covered the spread”

National Champs in Moral Victories

THREAD: “My Saturdays just got wide open”

I didn't think it was possible, but I think I'm done watching or caring about A&M football for the foreseeable future. I came into this season about as unexcited as I've ever been for a football season and they just crushed my spirit in one half. I don't even know how to describe this feeling.

Things were not much better at AggieYell.com.

There is, of course, a GoFundMe to buy out Sumlin’s contract.

It’s well short of its $10 million goal, but it’s still early.

Let's not wait any longer. Let's buyout his contract ASAP. This inexcusable. On the bright side, if for some reason he doesn't get fired, we can use the money to buyout AD Woodward' s contact. Worse case, we'll donate it to BTHO Harvey relief efforts. Maybe we could hire Mattress Mac!

Here’s some of what happened at SB Nation’s A&M blog, Good Bull Hunting.

It looks like the Aggies will cover the spread here

— Good Bull Hunting (@GBHunting) September 4, 2017

One author was able to look on the bright side:

Texas A&M is back!

The Fightin’ Texas Aggies shocked the nation on Saturday with a display of running game domination never before seen by the UCLA Bruins. Texas A&M’s top three runners, RB Trayveon Williams, RB Keith Ford, and QB Kellen Mond combined for a staggering 371 yards and 5 touchdowns on the ground. Combined with an early defensive strategy that was aggressive and opportunistic, it is no surprise that A&M amassed 38 points in the first half alone against an opponent who was favored to win by 4.

The Aggies lost, obviously.

From a choose-your-own-adventure:

Chapter 1: This is Incredibly Easy

You are standing next to a field with a 34-point lead and 4:08 remaining in the 3rd quarter. You have assembled a masterpiece. The powerful running game you devised is matched only by the intensity of your defense.

Should you run down the play clock before snapping?

Yes.

No, we should snap the ball quickly because... identity?

Congratulations! You successfully completed the "protect a 34 point lead" scen- ... wait, what? Okay, you have decided not to run down the play clock.

If you click on “yes”:

A commenter requested a Kiffining:

A&M needs to offset this embarrassment with a fireinf

Fire the coaches tonight. On The tarmac at easterwood.

And a Texas fan stopped by:

Horns fan here. Holy #%@^

I don’t know which was worse, probably the Horns loss. But, this is why you should play the Horns, at least one of us would win a game.

Unbelievable.

Let’s check in on Reddit.

#Tradition? http://pic.twitter.com/1DGjoEH4qb

— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) September 4, 2017

When an Aggie asked an Atlanta Falcons fan about what happens next:

At R/Aggies, the No. 2 post from the last month was when Texas lost. The No. 1 post arrived hours later.

The comments under the game story on AggieSports.com should not be turned into an A&M recruiting meme.

Surely you weren't fooled into thinking they had stopped playing in the Aggie tradition. A&M is where top high school players go to become chokers and previously successful coaches go to see their career ended. Some things NEVER change. At the end of the year when we fire Sumlin and hire another sucker it still won't change.

At halftime, Texas A&M’s Facebook page posted this graphic.

Other Facebookers pined for the glory days of Dennis Franchione ...

The Aggies have always left their fanbase disappointed and yes occasionally embarrassed. They stooped to a unbelievable new low and it's all Sumlin. God I thought no one could out do Fran, congrats Summy, YOU WIN!

... and R.C. Slocum.

only a moron can repetitively lose season after season,while in a commanding lead,and only a moronic athletic director and department cant see it,why dont you just bring back RC Sloacombe so we can all predict the plays instead of just the outcome.

If Sumlin is still the head coachin the morning I won’t watch the rest of the season.

Call Scott Woodward, Director of Athletics, Phone: 979-845-5129

Tell him that Sumlin has to go.

But the finale post was even rowdier.

Other Facebook statuses were equally aggrieved, including several calling for the team to just attempt coachlessness.

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Fire Kevin Sumlin now! IDC if we don't have a coach the rest of the year....

Posted by Rick Wilk on Sunday, September 3, 2017

Dear Texas A&M: Please fire Kevin Sumlin tonight. We will play just as good without a coach. Disgustedly, Football fans

Posted by Linda McFarland on Sunday, September 3, 2017

This isn’t how a firing works.

It would be good bull to fire Kevin Sumlin and donate his buyout money to a Harvey charity

Posted by Chris Elam on Sunday, September 3, 2017

Fire Kevin Sumlin .... he couldn't coach if he owned a bus company.

Posted by Lincoln Terrell on Monday, September 4, 2017

On Twitter, some people have changed their names to calls for Sumlin’s firing.

The comments under a TexAgs Facebook post of Sumlin’s presser delved into the real issues ...

... such as Sumlin being bad at unfucking situations with his hands ...

1 thing I noticed that was telling was Sumlin was engaged and hands on with his players in the first half, especially the line. The 2nd half he had a pure lack of emotion or fire. He always does this, when the game goes sideways he has no words or physical movements to fire his players up and re focus. He often states blankly into the nearest scoreboard as to wait for a response from the screen to tell him how to unfuck the situation. The only way to describe it is when you watch a war movie and the bullets are flying, explosions everywhere, people dying and there is that 1 soldier who just goes into shock and another soldier has to make him come to reality and get back in the fight... a&m doesn't have a veteran soldier to get our shell shocked coaches head back in the game unfortunately...

... as well as all the rap music and chewing gum, two things Josh Rosen clearly took advantage of during those fourth quarter drives ...

Sumlin will loose the teams focus now for the rest of the year. 4-8 season. Receivers suck. Kirk is good. The OL and DL played hard. I didn't see them give up. But they played with the plays they were given. Why not just run the ball. Didn't play tight ends. Didn't work with clock. I'm beyond frustrated. That game was in the bag. Coaches let them score 35 damn points! How does that happen? He threw Mond out on national TV to figure it out... he shouldn't have been put in that position. Hubenak should have been brought in as soon as Mond couldn't get the ball moving. The arrogance of Sumlin. If I could get my season pass money back I WOULD!

Time to have discipline!

Lack of discipline. Where to start?

-No more uniform changes.

-No more rap music at practice.. I see a lot of dancing around.

-No more celebrating before the clock says 00:00. Shouldn't have been celebrating on the first damn play!

-No more kids disrespecting the head coach on the sideline.

-No more chewing gum on the sideline Sumlin.

To be a winning team you need a head coach like Saban. He would never allow the above to happen.

I'm so damn pissed I can't even think straight!

... and the entire rest of the coaching staff, lest we only fire Sumlin ...

As bad as Sumlin is i can't beleive nobody is calling for Chevis head....what has this guy brought to ATM? He got destroyed by Tennessee Alabama, LSU and now UCLA.....Chevis and Sumlin are horrible coaches.....I imagine that Sumlin won't be here by next weekend....

... and goodness, do these Aggies hate chewing gum or what?

The coaches lost that game for the entire team, in the second half! How can you allow a team to score 30+ points while you stand on the side line smacking your bubblegum & do nothing about it??? Sumlin needs to stay in cali!

And finally, from the Sumlin presser Facebook comments, one spouse who’s ... well ...

My hubby was at the lake all afternoon/evening, and kept his phone off so he wouldn't know what happened.

This is from my mother.

0 notes

bestforlessmove · 8 years

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5 Stages We All Suffer Through When Hunting for Apartments

Westend61/Getty Images

Getting a new apartment can be invigorating-everything is so shiny and full of possibilities! Finding a new apartment? Not so much. If you're renting in a hot market, near a college, or you're not a Trump (and yes, we're counting Tiffany), finding a place that's both affordable and available isn't usually easy.

The proof is in the numbers: In the third quarter of 2016, the average nationwide vacancy rate was 6.8%-down from the same time the year before, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. To make matters worse, rent prices are still sky-high. A recent report by GoBankingRates found the national average for rent is hovering around $1,234 a month for a 678-square-foot, one-bedroom apartment. And experts say rent prices aren't going down any time soon. Wheee!

This unholy combo creates a sort of special supply-and-demand hell that only renters understand. If you're apartment hunting soon, you might as well prepare yourself now for that unique cycle of heartache and despair that's about to play out. With apologies to Kübler-Ross, we're here to help guide you through the five stages of grief-err, apartment hunting.

Stage 1: Denial

We've all done it. As soon as we pop open the laptop to start our apartment search, we expect to find a ton of awesome listings just ready and waiting. And then we don't.

We keep the listings tab open all day on our browsers, refreshing every 20 minutes, and wait for Mr. Dream Rental to pop up, all the while growing more and more desperate. Wait, I thought you said this was going to be fun?

How to cope: The solution might be simple, if startling: Get offline.

Take a drive (or walk) around the hood and check for rental signs. We know it's shocking in this digital age, but not everything is posted on rental listing sites. Sometimes you'll have to dig a little deeper. As you scour the neighborhood, write down names of apartment complexes you want to look into, and then look them up online-they should have floor plans, pricing, and even availability on their respective websites.

Still nothing? Try a Realtor® or a rental broker.

“As a renter, a broker can be extremely useful, especially if you're not that familiar with the neighborhood,” says Moshe Goykhman, director of leasing for Dreamtown Realty in Chicago. “Their knowledge of the renting market and the neighborhoods can be very helpful in uncovering a hidden gem.”

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Stage 2: Anger

Once you're knee-deep in your apartment search, you suddenly remember why you hate renting. Every. Single. Place. seems to have at least one enormous downside. You get only one parking spot. Or your washer and dryer are outside on the patio (true story). Or maybe the landlord won't take your (perfectly behaved) Great Dane. Agh!

How to cope: Don't lose hope just yet. Take a deep breath, and try to change your approach: Remind yourself of the upsides to renting-such as free maintenance and cheaper insurance. Stop focusing on the smaller issues and instead focus on the bigger ones: Find a couple of places that meet your immediate needs and then narrow them down by the biggest factor of all: location.

“If everything else is equal, then you should go with the preferred locale,” Goykhman says. “You can change almost everything else. But the location is staying the same.”

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Stage 3: Bargaining

You've done all your homework, viewed a few apartments, and narrowed it down to three or four places that will meet your needs-at least for now.

And then the reality starts to sink in: This is going to be expensive. Really expensive. Suddenly, you feel desperate. Maybe you can make a deal with the landlord? Maybe there's a special promotion you don't know about?

How to cope: Don't count on any discounts. Yep, it's time for the tough talk. You might get lucky and score a deal, but here's what you need to remember: The national rental market is tight right now, and there are plenty of other renters out there happy to fork over the cash. If affording a particular place is going to be a squeeze, you might have to readjust your plan.

“Apartment hunting is all about expectations and being realistic,” Goykhman says. “If a renter is having trouble finding something that they can afford, then they may need to sacrifice in some manner.”

It won't be fun, but start trimming that wish list again. As you cut out “must-haves,” you'll find cheaper apartments that fit the bill.

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Stage 4: Depression

And then, just when you finally find a good, affordable spot, some smooth-talking renter just waltzes in, plops down the deposit, and steals your apartment. It might be the single most depressing thing apartment hunters go through, but you can deal.

How to cope: Start by finding out what else the landlord might have available soon. If you have a broker, this will be easy.

“It's very possible the broker may have dealt with the landlord before or he may have colleagues who have and can get you the inside scoop,” Goykhman says.

If you don't have a broker, just go ahead and make the call yourself-and ask the landlord if he can knock some dollars off the rent to help mend your broken heart.

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Stage 5: Acceptance

The landlord doesn't have anything else available, and Mr. Perfectly Fine Apartment is really gone? You're going to have to go back to the drawing board, but that's OK!

How to cope: This time you know what you can afford, you've scouted the good locations, and you don't need to waste any more time. You can do this. Win that perfectly average apartment!

The post 5 Stages We All Suffer Through When Hunting for Apartments appeared first on Real Estate News & Advice | realtor.com®.

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