#no friend of mine she deserves to rot for her selfishness I don’t care

[pixelsbichoice]

If this book doesn’t end with Barthelemy executed and Adelaide in prison for treason I don’t want it.

[johnsamericano]

𝓓𝓪𝔂 12:

ℓєє мαяк

23 days of NCT masterlist.

taglist: @notbeforelong @mrcarbonatedmilk @unknown5tar @whathamelon @ajhdr @curieouscapt @silent-potato @gjheaaa

warnings: baby daddy mark, hidden pregnancy (?, tooth rotting.

“Dude, isn't that y/n?” Mark’s old friend, John, pointed at you.

Yeah, that was most definitely his ex. You were holding a small girl between your arms, helping her reach for a box of lucky charms. You looked just as beautiful as three years ago, even more, he daresay.

“Go talk to her.” His friend elbowed him. “I’ll go get the meat, maybe you can invite her to our barbecue.”

“We haven't seen each other in a while, don't you think it'll be a little too weird?”

“Go for it, I know you're still hung up on her.”

“How...?”

“I heard your last girl complaining about how you called y/n’s name while having sex with her, it was hilarious, to be honest.” Mark punched him in the arm, earning a small groan from the tall man. “But seriously, though, you broke up with her to focus on your career. Now that you have a stable job, what's stopping you from getting her back?”

“I don't know, man...”

“Give it a try, I'll be with the butcher if you need me.” He winked at the Canadian boy, making his way to another aisle.

Mark took a deep breath before his feet finally started moving. You were placing the small girl in the shopping cart’s seat, tickling her tummy while at it.

“Y/n?” Your eyes almost came out of their caves as you heard his voice.

“Mark...” You stared at him with wide eyes, looking back and forth between the little girl and him. “I thought you’d moved back to Canada.”

“I came back a year ago.” He fiddled uncomfortably with the rings adorning his fingers. “I really wanted to contact you, but since things between us were a little complicated when I left...” By complicated he meant breaking your heart and leaving a day after ending things between you.

“It’s really okay, Mark. No hard feelings.” You smiled sweetly at him, your pretty eyes turning into half moons.

“And who’s this little one? Your niece?” He caressed the top of the girl’s head, who wasn’t even aware of his presence, too focused on getting rid of the wrapping around the chocolate you’d just bought her.

“Actually-”

“Mommy, I need help!” Mark froze.

“Oh, sure sweetie.” You tone completely changed when addressing her. “Mark, this is my daughter, EunHee. Say hi, baby.”

“Hi, Mark.” She extended her hand as you tore the wrapping of the chocolate bar open. His surprised expression turned into a big smile, covering her small hand with his significantly bigger one. “Look, mom. His cheeks are just like mine!” She poked Mark’s cheekbones.

You could almost feel a drop of sweat rolling down your forehead.

“Wait, you're right.” The Canadian man pointed out as your daughter smiled at him. “That's crazy.” Thank God Mark was so naive. “So where’s the father of this little bean?”

‘Right in front of me.’ You thought.

“She doesn't...”

“Oh, sorry. It must've been hard raising her on your own.” He reassuringly placed a hand on your arm. “How old is she?”

“Uhm, s-she’s-”

“I’m this old.” EunHee interrupted, showing her three small fingers.

You hoped Mark’s brain capacity wouldn't be enough to connect the dots. But you had to admit, it was pretty obvious.

“Wow, you're so big.” It was heart-warming watching your daughter interact with her father for the first time, even if they didn't know the truth about each other. “So, we're having a barbecue at my place today. There’s always room for someone else, and you can bring EunHee if you’d like. My address is still the same.”

“I’ll think about it.” You handed the chocolate bar back to your daughter, who didn’t even take a second to eat up the whole thing.

“Alright, I guess I’ll see you then, maybe.”

(...)

“Mark’s hitting on a mom!” Yuta mocked him, causing the whole garden to erupt into laughter.

“And what’s wrong with that? She isn’t married.”

“Mark, you literally just met with her again after three years, slow down.” Jaehyun interceded, eyes stuck to his phone.

“Guys, stop messing with Mark. He's always loved y/n, so let him be.” Johnny spoke from the grill, turning around a steak. “Besides, I saw the little girl. She looks a lot like Mark, so I bet no one would be able to tell they're not actually related.”

“How old did you say she was?”

“Three.”

“Okay, don’t be mad at me, but did you ever have sex with her without protection?”

“What are you trying to say, Haechan?” Taeil asked bitterly.

“Just think about it, guys. It makes sense.” While his friends discussed the possibility of him being a dad, Mark’s head was rather busy trying to remember every little detail from the last time he was intimate with you.

But as much as he tried, he couldn't remember having worn a condom. And as far as he knew, you weren't on the pill.

The doorbell cut his string of thoughts, snapping him back into reality.

“I’ll get the door.” He didn't expect you to be behind it, holding your -and possibly his- daughter’s hand tightly. “Oh, hey.”

He seemed uncomfortable, had you made a mistake in accepting his offer?

“Hi, I couldn't find someone to look after this little monster. I hope your friends won't mind.”

“Not at all, they love kids.” He stared intensely at your daughter, finally noticing those similarities Johnny mentioned before. “Come in.”

He guided you all the way to the backyard, everyone greeting you with a big hug.

“Nice to see you again, y/n.” Johnny murmured, patting your back.

“She’s like a little doll!” Jaehyun squeaked excitedly, sitting your daughter on his lap. “What’s your name, sweetheart?”

“I’m EunHee.” He cooed at her high-pitched voice tone. “Your dimples are pretty.”

“Thank you.”

The boys seemed completely comfortable with your daughter, fighting with Jaehyun, who wouldn't let go of her.

“Can I have a word with you?” Mark came from behind you, making you jolt at his sudden presence.

“Sure.”

He walked you to the kitchen, away from the noisy men outside. He anxiously twisted his hands, trying to find the correct words to demand for the truth.

“What’s wrong?” You asked worriedly, taking a step closer to him.

“Is EunHee mine?” Well, you were definitely not expecting that. You thought that after meeting him at the supermarket, your secret was safe. Apparently, it wasn’t. “By the look on your face, I’m guessing she is.”

He groaned in frustration, rubbing his face with the palms of his hands.

“I’m sorry for keeping it a secret all this years. I won’t force you to step in and take responsibility for her, we can just leave and pretend this never-”

“What are you even talking about? Why wouldn’t I want to take care of my own daughter?” The frown on his face deepened. “Did you know you were pregnant when we broke up?”

Should you tell him the truth?

“I...” He looked at you expectantly.

Of course you should tell him the truth, he deserves it.

“Yes.” His heart dropped, guilt filling every inch of his body. “I didn’t want to hold you back. It would’ve been unfair for me to use that as an excuse to stop you from leaving.”

“So you’re saying I missed three years of my daughter’s childhood because you didn’t want to be selfish?” With every word his voice grew louder, shouting by the end of the sentence and catching the other guests' attention.

“Mark, we should talk about this another day, when we’re alone.” You tried leaving, but his hand clutched your wrist tightly.

“No.” You could admire tears sparkling in his eyes. “I don't want to miss another second of her.”

“Mommy?” Just then, EunHee walked into the kitchen, holding Yuta’s hand. “I heard screaming, are you okay?” Mark nodded at his friend, as if signaling him he could leave.

“Yes, I’m alright, sweetie.” You swung her up in your arms, coming closer to Mark who had the sudden urge to hold his baby. “Are you sure about this? There’s no backing out.” You mouthed, feeling a pinch of relief as he nodded. “Baby, I’d like you to meet someone very special.”

“Who?”

“This is Mark...” She looked at you with her small eyebrows furrowed, she’d already met Mark. “Your dad.”

Mark honestly felt like crying, your daughter smiling excitedly as she urged you to put her down, letting her father hold her close to his chest.

“Mommy said you were lost.” He felt so warm inside.

“I promise not to get lost again, alright?” His lips pressed a kiss into her forehead, already enamored by the cheerful giggles erupting from EunHee.

You observed them with regret. If you'd told Mark you were pregnant before he left, perhaps he wouldn't be on the verge of tears right now, perhaps your daughter wouldn't have had to deal with her classmates’ non-stopping questions about her father.

“Y/n?” Mark called out for you. “C-can we have a family hug?” He moved his hand invitingly, making space for you to join.

You walked into his arms, every negative feeling vanishing as Mark embraced you, both of you trying not to sob.

“What do you want to do now?” He let go of you, using both of his arms to embrace EunHee.

“Make up for the lost time.”

[carlosxhook]

The Law Of Total Madness ~ H.H

Pairing: Harry Hook x Reader (yes I wrote Got7 into this sue me) + (please don’t I’m broke 🤦‍♀️)

Y/N’s P.O.V

Being Chad Charming’s twin sister was an interesting occurrence, Ben being your best friend for your whole life and growing up around Chad expectation of the perfect sister was exhausting this was where you found your love for singing and dancing thanks to Ben. He also introduced you to your other best friend prince Yugyeom originally from Jypnation and 6 other his friends who made music together the 8 of you were always glued together, you stuck together and turns out it was good for you to get away from Chad he may of been your brother and yes you loved him but god was he unbearable! Even better the 8 of you talk in korean to confuse anyone trying to ease drop Princess love to be some nosey bitches, you were a hip hop dancing, princess role breaking rebellious free soul and Chad HATED that. Perhaps the icing on the cake was that you were secretly dating a Scottish pirate, the only son of Captain Hook, the love of your life Harry Hook. It happened when you and Ben were kidnapped with Ben after convincing him you should go with him for “protection” when really you just wanted to wag chemistry class they kept you and Ben seperate and you and Harry ended up in a long make out session about 15 minutes before the most epic battle you’d ever witnessed, Ben announced that after 6 months since Dizzy, The Twins and Celia came to auradon that 3 more vks would be coming over! Hoping it would be Harry, Uma and Gil you talked to Gil while ‘kidnapped’ you two were close it was nice he seemed genuinely like a good guy, it was nice that he’s loyal to his crew and today was the day they were to arrive. Ben, Chad, Mal, Carlos, Jay, Evie, Doug and I were all gathered around waiting for them to show them around and such, the limo pulls up and all three vks get out my chest gets tight thinking about seeing him again yeah we starting “being a thing” very quickly but I liked him a lot I knew that much “Welcome to Auradon” Ben smiles “Try not to break anything” Chad snarls and I smack him over the head earning a deep chuckle from Harry as he smirks at me “it’s very colourful here” Gil smiles he’s too pure omg “well I would love too stay and help but I promised NaNa I’d be at practice 10 minutes ago, it was lovely too see you all again.” I wave before running off towards the school dance hall and quickly issuing magic to get changed into a red crop top and some high waisted black shorts with black converse, damn I was too cute for my own good sometimes, poor Chad never got any magic my parents had me enchanted when I was little so I could protect myself.

Harry’s P.O.V

“I apologise for Princess Y/N’s departure she’s preparing for a very important event and competition as a representative for Auradon, if any of you need her she’s typically in the dance hall!” Ben hints looking towards me it’s not like her and I were seriously anyways, yeah I liked her, a lot but I’d barely say I thought about her. That’s a lie everyday that stupidly gorgeous girl plagued my mind and she just runs off before I can have her in my arms again, how selfish? Does she even still care about me, about us, we had a connection fuck I knew feelings and l..l...lov that l word made you weak, how pathetic I thought I had a happily ever after.

We go through the entire of auadorn and finally reach the Dance Hall we hear loud music coming from within and I peek in seeing Y/N practicing “let’s watch!” Ben opens the door and we stand at the back my eyes fixated on the gorgeous girl dancing her heart out, “she’s gonna win” Chad laughs at Gils proud statement “please who does she think she is this isn’t the isle she should be in a castle or locked in a tower” Chad snorts “I’m sorry say that again Princey” I growl “cool it” I hear Uma whisper “you wanna get found out huh” she follows. “He’s an ass” I mutter focusing back on the events in front of me Y/N walking towards us with a big smile “what did you think?” She asks as her sparkling eyes meet mine before Chad can even open his mouth I reply “Ye did very good indeed” winking at the now blushing princess “anyways” she chirps “we need 3 more female dancers to back up Yugyeom and I’s duo for the competition, because as much as I���d love too see Jackson, Mark and BamBam in skirts with wigs and heels... I don’t wanna frighten the audience” she giggles looking behind her at the 7 boys now making their way over once they reach us the throw Y/N a questioning look before speaking in what I can only assume in another fucking language.

Y/N’s P.O.V

I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss Harry I did and as much as I wanted to run into his arms and breathe in his scent and glory I know I can’t, I lean over to Uma to get closer to Harry “Hey Uma, I don’t know if ben told you but we are sharing a room, I’m barely ever in my dorm so don’t worry I won’t bother you!” I smile and she just scoffs she’s not the biggest fan of me I mean she did kidnap Ben and I after all, I couldn’t blame her though the Isle was shocking I would wanna get out too I am kinda thankful cause of it I found Harry. That was if he still even liked me, I heard from Mal he’s a player and no good that he flirted with anything that moved I mean one of the old exchange students Nana did that too, and he was harmless I was just hoping Harry’s flirting was too.

“Yugyeom, can we finish I wanna show em to the dorms?” I smile to the fluffy haired boy sweat dripping down his white shirt making it slightly see through “only this once ya, usually I’m the one to try cut practice shorty” he laughs “sweet, don’t forget we go all day tomorrow with the boys!” I point to our 6 other friends and wave shooting them a wink before turning around seeing everyone but the pirates had left “well I’ll shall show you to your rooms I guess” I lead the way to the dorms it’s a bit awkward and the silence burns.

“So Y/N” Gil cuts the air “what’s this competition?” He smiles coming and placing an arm around me I hear Harry growl but I just let Gil rest his arm on me “well it’s a multi-kingdom performance competition, we must sing and dance and the winner’s kingdom hosts a massive party and a heap of important musical performers come for all necks of the woods too play and come watch!” I smile getting excited just thinking about it “Yugyeom and I have a duo, I have a solo and so does he, then a boy group performance and then a girl group performance if we win 3/5 of the categories Auradon will host its first ever K fest, it’ll be amazing!” I stop abruptly “our duo performance is gonna be the best we’ve ever done, and we’ve done a lot” I chuckle “anyways this is the boys dorm 701 Gil and Harry are here and then just down the all at 690 is where Uma will be if y’all need her. Your belongings will be inside for you if you need anything please don’t hesitate to ask” I turn around and walk to my room Uma in tow “so Y/N, been a while huh?” She laughs “indeed it has, how’re you feeling about all this?” I ask pointing around “it’s where I’ve always wanted to get my crew, I got Gil and Harry here, now I need to work on the rest” I see a glint of sadness in her eyes “I’m only really here because I care about those boys and they don’t deserve to rot on an island, yeah they’re dicks and trouble but they’re loyal to me so I am loyal to them, they fight for me so I fight for them. Always!” I was shocked Uma was really caring I didn’t expect this side of her “I’m only telling you this because I know you and Harry are a thing” she pays my back “wait we still are?” I ask hopeful “yeah, the moment he gets you alone he’ll be all over you like a hungry wolf, watch ya back” she laughs I take a deep breath “thank you Uma I wasn’t sure he even still knew me” I lay on my bed and my stomach grubmles “girl you’re so busy dancing you don’t eat” Uma scolds “come on” she grads my hand “were getting you some food!” Running out the door she takes me too the kitchen and starts making food “I used to have make chips all the time at the shop, so hopefully Auradon sir makes them taste better than the grubby isle ones” she scoffs “Uma, can I ask something?” I nervously fiddle “sure princess what’s up?” She says cutting up potatos “Did Harry’s father ever abuse him?” She seems taken aback “it’s just I remember telling Harry I’d stay behind he just had to pretend he had me at sword point, and he said he’d never even pretend to do such a thing because he wasn’t his father.” I wipe a few tears I was confused was Harry harmful “Harry gets his father’s temper or therefore lack of, he had outbursts, I’m sure he’ll still have them, yes to put it shortly his father before he was in the crew would often abuse him. But it wasn’t uncommon, not in the isle love is a weakness.” “Then am I weak for loving him no matter what Uma” why was I even opening up to her “no because I think you could be good for him, just don’t turn him” she jokes “or I’ll use this” she holds her shell out “yes captain!” We laugh. “Maybe finally having a roommate won’t be so bad aye” I smile as she cooks Uma might actually be a really great friend and she knows more about Harry than anyone else maybe Hook and I could work.

*The Next Day*

“Those boys I swear are always late” I mutter to no one in particular “now what’s a gorgeous girl like you doing standing ‘ere all alone?” My heart jumps hearing his voice again “Hi Harry” I turn around smiling “ye know isle got boring without a princess to kiss” she smirks “is that so, awe Harry did you miss me” I joke about he moves closer “believe me or not love, I actually did. Let’s say you left a bit of a mark on me so to speak” I giggle “now come here babe” I pull him in for a long and heated kiss “Lovely doing business with ye princess” he smirks spinning around and walking out. What the actual fuck was that, what is he playing at I’m not just some toy, I turn on the music and start dancing to Bonnie & Clyde by Dean nothing can distract me not even Harry.

Harry’s P.O.V

I fucked it up I panicked and played fuck boy player again the confident fascade is what I’m know by I must keep it up, show no emotion, no weakness. Sorry princess. It’s just how I am.

I walk to uma’s room and knock on the door “yeah what” I hear her shout “it’s me” and like that the door flies open “Where’s Gil?” She questions “running round with Jay apparently they’re besties or whatever I’m just letting the dog loose” I plop myself down on the princess’ bed “geez Auradon beds are comfy” I sigh “I don’t think your little girlfriend would appreciate your smelly leather and metal scent over her sheets” Uma jokes “not me girlfriend” I point out “I’d watch it if I were you then, she gushed on about that Yugyeom boy for a very long time, of she ain’t yours surely she’ll be his I mean they’re never not together.” As if on cue in walks Y/N “Hey Uma did you see where I put my tablets, the ones with the orange jar, I’ve got a massive headache.” She rubs her head still unaware I’m laying on her bed “yeah left hand side of the bathroom counter top” she smiles did I miss something what are they all of a sudden so... friendly...

“Thank you so much oh and by the way I’ll be back late tonight so don’t wait up I’ll sneak in, Yugyeom and I have to rehearse til late cause Ben wants to come watch us and make sure it’s all good” I watch as she leaves then I close my eyes and drift off too sleep surprisingly.

“Harry wake up omg” I hear as I open my eyes too see Uma standing above me “what?” I ask rubbing me eyes then picking up me hook “get off of Y/N’s bed and wake up she’s gonna be here soon” she scoffs “surely she wouldn’t mind a handsome looking lad in her bed waiting for ‘er” I laugh.

Y/N’s P.O.V

“Ben I don’t really understand?” I question “you want us... to kiss?” I point between Yugyeom and I “yes the chemistry is there I’m telling you it’s the winning touch, the performance is so dynamic it just needs the big ending, it’ll leave everyone shocked, stunned and more importantly it shows how well you work together.” The king smiles “are you sure this is a good idea?” He’s gone crazy completely mad oh this is not going to end well “let’s call it a day you two need to eat and back again tomorrow for more practice” Ben smiles holding the door open for us both, “he’s not serious right Y/N” Yugyeom whispers “I hope he’s not, but something tells me he is, it’s fine gyu we are the best this is nothing!” I smile placing a hand on his shoulder “what about that boy?” He asks in a small voice “we aren’t dating he made that very clear, who cares this is our dream we are so close!” I smile side hugging him and briefly laying my head on his “fighting!!” I smile before grabbing his hand and walking to my dorm he always walks me to the door of my room when we practice late “Thanks Yugyeom!” I smile “let’s work hard tomorrow!” I hug him really tightly saying goodbye and open the door to find Uma working on something and Harry asleep on my bed “I don’t remember ordering a strange man in my bed, Uma I think this ones for you.” I point to the pirate passed out on my bed “he’s been like that for hours, I don’t think he’s sleeping at night” Uma shrugs “I’ll be back I have to go try round up Gil watch the scot” I laugh before going to change clothes in the bathroom I walk out no more than 10 minutes later and he’s still there snoring away. “Harry I told you if you were struggling to come find me” I play with his hair and carefully remove the hook placing it right next to my bed I grab the spare blanket from the cupboard and put it over him and when I go to walk away I hear “Please, just stay with me love” he says almost way too soft “I’ll explain later just please” I notice he’s shaking must be nightmares or ptsd “it’s okay Harry I’m right here, I’m always gonna be okay” I smile placing a soft kiss on his forehead and jumping into the free slither of bed he’s left much for my surprise he moves and pulls me close with his arm around my stomach before I know it I’m fast asleep.

Harry’s P.O.V

I woke up and there she was in my arms and it felt right, it felt like nothing could ruin this moment until once again I panicked I’m not used to feeling this I grab my hook and leave her all alone, pangs if guilt hit me but I ignore them I’m a pirate the best one I don’t need feelings they make you weak and I will never be weak. I will make my father proud he will call me his son and I’ll finally have a family, I don’t need some stupid princess to distract me.

Y/N’s P.O.V

I woke up alone in my bed with nothing left but the memory and slight scent of metal and the ocean, or was it leather? Doesn’t matter now he used me again and I let him, I need to watch myself no distractions that would discredit all of Yugyeom and I’d hard work I’m letting Harry ruin this for me. That being said another day another practice T-minus 1 week until we gotta rock this competition he’s obviously gotta work himself else I ain’t here for his amusement ugh, today there’s a big school meeting where we perform some songs as a taster for the school and our sister school (team) Ateez High are sending over their recruits to perform, I can’t wait we have had these prepared forever so we got this in the bag.

{Might do a series on this one, kinda proud my first imagine for Harry Hook x Y/N reader I had to add something kpop okay just bear with me! Got a few requests so I’ll be getting right into them⚡️🤍}

[northcarolinanative]

𝙲𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 (𝟷𝟶)

Chapter 10: Pogue

A/N: Hey guys!! Thank you for all the feedback on the last part!! It means the world to me!! I hope you like part 10!! It is so crazy that I have written 10 parts of this story, and hopefully more haha! As always my message and inbox are open for requests or just to talk!! Also a TW: Physical Assault and Violence, cursing, depictions of harm, Rafe being an asshole per usual.  

Description: John B’s Sister comes home from staying with their mom, only to find out that her brother is missing and her dad was murdered. JJ may have just lost his best friend. She and JJ have to figure out what to do and how to pick up the pieces.

Need to catch up? Ch.1 / Ch.2 / Ch.3 / Ch.4 / Ch. 5 / Ch.6 / Ch. 7 / Ch. 8  / Ch.9 

I was frozen in my spot. My blood went cold, I didn’t know what to do. He killed the sheriff and ran my brother away from the island and into the sea because he couldn’t stand up and own up to his actions. He had the guts to pull the trigger, but not to own up to it. I tried to move my feet but they were frozen in place. I felt the goosebumps begin to raise on my arms as he took a few steps toward me. I had never really been a fighter. There wasn’t much need on the mainland, and here I was always surrounded by JJ and John B, who fought for me, even if I didn’t agree with it. At this moment I was scared and really wishing I had taken them up on that offer. 

He didn’t speak until he was steps away from me. His glance was harsh, and his eyes were dark. They were sunken into his face, and his cheekbones more prominent. He looked terrible, but he deserved to be eaten up from the inside out. “You have a lot of nerves coming in here,” he said. His walk almost like a stalk, slow and predatory. I just looked at him, I tried to put on my most confident facade, but I was shaken inside. I never liked Rafe, but now I'm scared of him, he killed someone, then went about his life. “You’re brother killed the Sheriff and you’re here, for what, to beg for our money?” He scoffed at me moving faster. 

“Do I look stupid? You killed Peterk–” I was cut off but Rafe pushed me against the wall with his hand around my throat. “Don’t you ever say those words again” he tightened his grip on my throat. I felt his fingers dig into my skin. “You fucking pogue” He gave me the last push before releasing me. 

I sucked in a breath. I was seething, I could practically feel the anger running through my veins. I walked toward him, I didn’t want to show fear. “What makes it okay for you to be walking around here after what you did? Huh? You’re a kook, right?” I put my finger in his chest. “That’s why my brother is missing at sea and you aren’t rotting in a jail cell right now.” My words came out through clenched teeth. 

Rafe was quick to grab my wrist and twist it harshly away from me. I kicked back into his knee trying to get free. He backed me up against the wall again, using his height and power against me, his arm under my chin pressing my chest hard. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He spat his words at me. 

“What is it a secret?”  I squinted with sarcasm dripping from my voice. “What? That you Rafe Cameron are a manipulative murd--” I was cut off with a hit to the left side of my face. I didn’t have time to brace for the impact and fell to the ground. By now we had drawn the attention of the other club members. 

Rafe kneeled down next to me. “Next time you’ll keep your mouth shut bitch.” He stood up beginning to walk away. 

“What is going on out here?” Mr. Jones walked out looking between me, on the ground holding my hand over my now swelling cheekbone, and Rafe. 

“You see Y/N Routledge here, was trying to follow after her brother, coming after me,”  Rafe said before turning the corner, back to the parking lot. 

“No. He was tormenting me, Mr. Jones! You know me!” I started to beg. “I wouldn–” 

“You’re Routledge’s kid?” He asked me. I just nodded my head looking down at the ground, unable to look at his face. I knew what was coming. It was inevitable. “I don’t think that it would be good for you to work here this summer. With everything that happened with the other Routledge kid…” He paused putting his hand on my shoulder. “It has nothing to do with you, but I don’t want people to mess with you like what just happened out there. I’m sorry Y/N” 

I nodded a quick, “I understand.” I walked out keeping my head down again. I pushed open the large stained glass doors. Instantly missing the cool air-conditioning of the country club. I pulled my hair back to stop it from sticking to the back of my neck. 

“Y/N” I flinched away from the voice. “Y/N is that you.” I turned, recognizing the voice. I saw Pope jogging toward me, his hands full of groceries. “What are you doing at the country club?” He asked. 

“I could ask you the same thing?” I said, forcing a smile, only for a pain to shoot through the side of my face. 

“Wait what happened to you?” Pope said, dropping the grocery bags and touching my cheek. “You’re bleeding.” He took his hand down to show me the red blood that was on his thumb. I looked shocked, I guess the adrenaline was still kicked in. “I’m going to run the last of the deliveries to The Wreck, let's go there and get you cleaned up?” 

“Oh no. I really don’t think I should be around Kiara right now.” I said shaking my head and heading off toward my car. 

“Y/N. don’t be stubborn, you need to take care of that, you’re covered in bruises and you know that there isn’t great equipment at the Chateau right?” Pope had picked up his bags matching pace with mine. “Plus Kie feels really bad about what she said. She’s dealing with this a lot differently than you and JJ.” 

I opened the back of the car, helping him put the remaining groceries in the back of the car, giving in. I knew that I would need to work things out with them eventually. “I hope she shares with me what you said. I’m not gonna let what she said go easily, it hurt Pope.” I finished, raising my eyebrows in his direction before closing the hatch rather harshly. 

We settled into the car, each of us putting our seatbelts on. “Are you okay to drive? You don’t have a concussion do you?” He said putting his hand on the gearshift before I moved to drive away. 

“I’m fine, no head injuries. I promise.” I held up my pinky finger. I felt like we were kids again, it was something that we all used to do. Kie and I started it of course, but somehow drug the boys into joining us. 

Pope shook his head, but smiled and linked his finger with mine. “I just texted Kie to tell her we are on the way.” Pope’s eyes scanned over my face and neck “Your neck is turning purple. Seriously Y/N what happened back there?” 

I just shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it okay?” I looked over at the phone in his hands. “Do you think you text JJ? Tell him I’ll be at the Wreck?” 

“Yea,” Pope said. I heard the question in his voice as he stared down at his phone. 

“I told him I was going to find a job, don’t want him to come looking for me ya know?” I said forcing a smile. “So, I know how the rest of us are doing, but how are you doing with all of this?” I asked. No one had seemed to ask Pope's opinion in the midst of the argument the other day. 

“Oh,” He paused before I heard him take in a deep breath. I turned the car back onto the main road toward The Wreck. “I don’t know. I just miss his, like we’ve all seen each other every day since I can remember, and now he’s like not here anymore. Part of me wants to believe he’s out there.” 

I thought about telling him what JJ and I had found, but I felt like it was too soon. I didn’t want to give him the same hope, then have to crush it if it wasn’t going to. It might have also been me being selfish because of what happened the other day, but I wanted to wait to tell them. 

“I get it, I was expecting to see John B walk through that door when I got back, but instead I got JJ,” I said with a giggle. This comment seemed to lighten the mood of the car as it sent Pope into a fit of laughter. 

JJ. He wasn’t going to let this go, he wouldn’t take me not wanting to talk about it for an answer. I didn’t want him anywhere near Rafe. If I was being completely honest with myself, Rafe scared the hell out of me. He was a murder, and the way he treated me, with no caution to try and silence me, showed that he had no remorse. 

I pulled myself from my thoughts as we pulled into the parking lot at the Wreck. I helped Pope with the grocery bags. I ignore the pain in my wrist as I load groceries into my arms. 

“Ah, Pope!! Always right on time with the groceries, just when I need them” Mr. C said as He walked into the room, Kie close behind. Mr.C took groceries from my arms before turning back to the kitchen. She was notably shocked to see me standing there with groceries. As she looked over my face her eyes grew wide. “Y/N What the hell?”

“I was hoping you could help her get cleaned up?” Pope asked following Mr. C into the kitchen. Kie nodded her head. 

I could see the look of worry on her face. “Follow me,” She said. We slide around workers through the kitchen and into the back office. “Sit here, okay?” she sent a slight smile my way, patting the edge of the empty desk. She reached into a drawer pulling out a first aid kit. 

“Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic Kie, it's a few bruises,” I said laughing with her. 

“John B would kill me if I didn’t take care of you, you know?” She smiled and started to unwrap the alcohol wipes. I felt the sting of the disinfectant, flinching away when she first started to clean the split on my face. “Look I am really sorry about what I said yesterday Y/N. It was totally uncalled for what I said. I know that it doesn’t excuse my actions, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up, because it would only hurt that much worse in the long run if it turns out to be true.” He started to rub cooling cream over the bruising around the cut. 

“Kie it’s okay” I breathed. I was glad I didn’t tell Pope about the discovery that JJ and I found. “I understand that. We’re all coping in different ways. I shouldn’t have jumped onto you as I did either. We all process differently.” I sent her a small smile. While I forgave her, I found it harder to want to open up to her. In the past, I might have come to her with boy issues or even the encounter with Rafe right away. 

“Y/N is this a handprint around your throat,” Kie said, staring deep into my eyes. I felt tears start to fill in my eyes. The pain in my cheek started to finally hurt, I could feel it throbbing. I quickly looked down. Kie moved my head looking up so that she could apply the same cream to the red mark on my neck. I heard a commotion outside the door, quickly moving to look at the door. “Probably just someone dropping something in the kitchen.” She smiled softly at me. I looked down at the floor as she capped the cream on the floor. “So are you gonna tell me what happened, who beat you up like this?” Kie asked, her voice dripping with worry. 

“You know, I’d really like to know who I have to kill?” JJ said entering the room. He took a quick glance over me. He practically pushed Kie out of the way to wrap his arms around me. I hooked my chin over his shoulder to see Pope in the doorway to the office. I wrapped my arms around his neck. His hug was tight and protective. “JJ. Thank you, but if you don’t let go so I can breathe you might kill me.” I laughed at my joke. 

“How are you joking right now?” He pulled back and put his hands on either of my shoulders. 

“I’m fine J. Really. See?” I moved my legs on either side of him and wiggled my arms. 

He scrunched his eyebrows looking at me. I could see the hurt in his eyes and I smiled, feeling the tears coming back to the forefront of my eyes. JJ moved his thumb to carefully trace the cut in my cheek with his thumb, letting his finger trace down my jaw to the darkening handprint on my throat. I heard him take in a deep breath as he saw it. “Y/N Cut the shit. Who did this?” He asked. I could see the anger growing behind his words. Kie came up beside me with Pope following behind her. 

“Seriously, you can tell us?” She said. I could see the pity in her eyes. That is what I didn’t want, pity from any of them. 

I looked back at JJ. and hung my head low. “I went to the country club, that’s where Pope found me, to try and get my job back. I worked there every summer, and I know I would need the money.” I started, JJ’s eyes met mine. He was focused on everything that I was saying. “And Mr. Jones had me step out and wait while he scanned in paperwork or whatever. And I ran into someone there, who wasn’t happy that I was back.” 

“Obviously. Who was it Y/N?” JJ asked. He wasn’t being pushy, he just wanted to help. 

“It was Rafe,” I said, swallowing after the name left my mouth. 

JJ turned away from me. He ran his hands through his hair, I heard his breathing pick up. I saw Kie and Pope’s faces look just the same. “I am gonna kill him. What can’t he get away with?” JJ was seething. 

“No, I provoked him. He came up to me and started talking about how JB killed Peterkin, and I snapped. I told him I knew that he did it, he killed her. He tried to shut me up, obviously, until Mr. Jones came out and he left. I didn’t get my job back, but are we surprised?” I let out a cynical laugh.  

“Hey hey” JJ walked back up to me. I could feel the anger radiating off of him, but his composure seemed calmer. He was so close. He was standing between my legs. My thoughts going back to the conversation we had last night. He put his hand on my chin forcing me to look up at him. “You did not provoke him, Y/N. He’s a murder, who’s walking free. You did the right thing calling him out. Don’t think for a second that this was your fault, alright?” 

“Alright.”  

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[allisondraste]

Temperance 42/42

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Story Summary: Nathaniel and Elissa were childhood friends, but time and distance tore them apart. In the aftermath of the Fifth Blight, and Ferelden’s Civil War, both Elissa and Nathaniel must attempt reconstruct their tattered lives. As a series of events lead them to be reunited, both are reminded of so many years ago when things were much simpler.

Chapter Summary:   Epilogue!!

Author Note: Well, my friends. Here we are at the end of a journey that has lasted just over a year. When I started writing this story, I had no idea just exactly what it would mean to me. I had no clue that anyone would read it, let alone that I would have the amount of support and encouragement that I have ended up having. Temperance has seen me through some incredibly difficult times, and through some really good ones too. I am both sad that it is coming to an end, and thrilled at the confidence I've gained to start other projects.

I just want to start out by saying a humongous thank you to each and every one of my readers (whether you've left comments or just read and enjoyed silently). I appreciate you all immensely. You have made this journey all the more while.

I also want to thank all of the people who have supported me behind the scenes. Helping me plan, and plot, and taking a vested interest in my characters and my story, but also in me and my growth as a writer and a person. I don't have to name any names, you all know you are, and you rock. :D

This is by far the end of Nathaniel and Liss' story. It's just the beginning, and I have a lot of adventures planned for them going forward, but I'm also really excited to focus on some new things in the same worldstate.

I'm also excited to read more and support others as I've been supported.

Anyway, this is not the Oscars... but I couldn't close this chapter of my life without acknowledging the people who helped me get there.

<3

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

[AO3 LINK]

Dearest Baby Sister,

I hope this letter finds you well. I will be honest, I am more than a little upset that I had to learn about your choice to leave your position in Denerim and join the Grey Wardens from Queen Anora, and not you.  Why did you not write to me? Were you afraid that I would lecture you on how foolish it is? That I would disapprove because father never entertained the idea? None of that is true. We have been through so much hardship in the past year, I want you to do whatever you need to feel happy again.  If that means fighting darkspawn until you rot, then I pity the darkspawn who dare to cross you.

Anyway, enough of that.  I would much rather talk about Nathaniel.  If you’re with Wardens now, then you must have had ample time to talk with him. To tell him about that torch you still carry for him.  Or, you know, at least kick his arse for leaving you in the dark all those years. In all seriousness, I do hope that you two have had a real conversation about everything.  I love you both, and you care too damn much about each other to let it all slip away. I’ll stop lecturing you, but I eagerly await your reply.

And now to the real reason why I’ve written: I have a surprise for you— one that I cannot possibly keep secret a moment longer.  In fact, I am disappointed that I am not getting to tell you the news in person to see the look on your face, but you deserve to know.

I found Bear!

I didn’t tell you this before. Didn’t want to get your hopes up prematurely, but as soon as I returned to Highever, I put out a reward for his return.  As it turns out, the old boy was living with a young family just on the outskirts of the teyrnir. They told me they found him injured not long after Howe took control, noticed the laurels on his collar right away, but feared returning him to the castle for obvious reasons.  They nursed him back to health and let him get all fat and lazy, but they were excited to be able to send him home. I almost couldn’t get them to take the reward.

He’s watching me write this letter right now, actually.  It’s like he knows it’s you— I think the bloody hound can read! On his behalf, I implore you to come visit as soon as you’re able. He simply isn’t satisfied with my meager attempts at belly rubs, and I grow weary.  

I wouldn’t mind seeing you as well, Sis.  You’re welcome home any time. Your room will always be there for you.

Love,

Fergus (and Bear)

P.S. Bring Nate.  We have catching up to do.

Dear Fergus,

When I received your letter, I had to read it several times.  I couldn’t believe my own eyes. I truly thought Bear had died when he and I got separated during the ambush.  That you found him… Brother, I do not know that I could ever repay you for what it means to me. I suppose I shall have to forgive you for calling me “baby” sister.  I am not a baby, even if I am currently crying like one.

I am sorry that I did not write sooner.  I have been more than a little preoccupied.  Joining the Grey Wardens takes more than just some paperwork, though I am forbidden to say any more than that.  I am doing well, though. I feel better than I have in quite some time. The Wardens have given me a new purpose, a new place to belong that I didn’t feel in Anora’s council.  I was never exactly suited for the affairs of the court. I finally found my chance to get away. I think that I will fit in well here, with these Wardens of Amaranthine. They are a quirky lot, but they’re good people.

And Nate’s here.  He says hello.

I am pleased to report that we did, in fact, talk.  About everything, and at great length. We are not the same as we were when we were younger.  Things are different and more difficult now, but you’re right. We care too much about one another to give up on something just because it isn’t as easy as it would have been without…. everything that happened.  We’re together now, in case that wasn’t clear. It feels good to finally say that in writing, outloud. I wonder what Mama and Papa would think. I’m sure they would approve. They loved Nate, too.

Anyway, look at me, gibbering on like this is my journal or something.  Hey— at least it will save you the trouble of having to actually read my journal.

You could always visit us here, you know.  Delilah will be returning to Ferelden in Drakonis, and I believe there will be some sort of formal celebration to mark the transition of power.  You should come.

Love,

Liss.

P.S.  The reason Bear isn’t satisfied with your belly rubs is because he prefers scratches on his rear.  Tell him he’s a good boy for me, and that I’ll see him soon.

[The following note was found on a slip of parchment stuck in between the pages of a novel]

Liss— Finished reading your book.  I liked it, though the main protagonist was completely unbelievable.  Nobody likes cheese that much. Well, at least nobody I’ve ever met.

By the way, have I mentioned that I am glad you and Nathaniel got things sorted.  It would have been a damn shame if you had broken the eternally binding contract of a pinky swear.

[Scrawled at the bottom of the note was a tiny arrow, indicating that there was more written on the back.]

I got a letter from Bria.  She is doing well and told me to tell you hello.

— Alistair

Dear Ser Ben,

It is “Ser” now, is it not?  Unless of course you followed my poor example and left your training to pursue some sort of fruitless revenge, which is highly unlikely, so I am going to assume that you earned your knighthood.  Congratulations, my friend. I am proud of you.

I promised that I would write to you, so here I am, keeping that promise.  I know that you must be terribly surprised, considering my poor record for correspondence.  I apologize that it has taken this long to send word to you. I have been rather busy since I returned to Ferelden.  I spent months in hiding, plotting revenge against the Grey Wardens who destroyed my family, but when it was time to follow through with those plans I changed my mind.  A trespasser in my own home, I wanted nothing more than to retrieve some heirlooms and leave, fade away into obscurity for good. Unfortunately, I was captured, imprisoned for theft, and conscripted into the Wardens to spare me execution.  I’ve had my hands full with darkspawn and other duties ever since.  

As horrific as that all sounds, the Wardens have actually been my salvation, a chance to make my family name something to be proud of again.  The Warden-Commander is not the monster I had believed her to be. She is young and inexperienced, but thoughtful and wise beyond her years. My father, on the other hand, was twice the monster I thought he was.  All my life I knew he was a hateful, selfish man, but I did not realize the lengths to which he would go for power and wealth. To think that I ever defended him. Disgusting.

Do you remember Liss, the one you always called my “Fereldan lass?” I am certain that you do, considering how much you enjoyed teasing me about her. Anyway, her family and mine have been allies since the rebellion, and they were murdered in their own home upon my father’s command.  For months I believed Liss had died as well, but both she and her brother live, and now she is among the Grey Wardens here in Ferelden.

I finally confessed my feelings to her, apologized for everything.  She forgave me, and now we’re… together. It seems surreal to say, but I thought you would be pleased to know.

That is more than enough about me and my woes.  How have you been, my friend? I hope that you are staying out of trouble and also out of married womens’ beds. Remember what happened the last time? I’ve told Liss about you and some of your amorous adventures.  She is excited to meet you someday. I think that you two will be fast friends.

I miss you, Ben.  I hope that our paths will cross soon.

Take care,

Nathaniel

P.S. Have you been in contact with Erina? I know it isn’t any of my concern, but I hope she is all right.

Dear Nate,

Andraste’s knickers!  It’s really you. You really wrote to me.  I can hardly believe my eyes. I waited a bit, but after months of nothing, I thought for sure you’d forgotten me.  I’m glad to learn that you didn’t. Sorry about the other stuff though. It’s a damn shame what happened to your lass’ family, and what happened to yours.

Arrested? Nearly executed? Conscripted? And here I thought you were a model of lawful behavior.  I am kidding of course. I know it’s been a difficult time for you, and I’m sure your head hasn’t been screwed on properly since you learned about your old man.  It’s good you found your place, and something to give you a purpose. As much as I miss you, you were miserable here. It was obvious to anyone who talked to you for more than five minutes.

Of course I remember your Fereldan lass, the love of your life and object of your undying affection.  How could I possibly forget? It’s like you had your own little personal rain cloud with her name all over it.  Is that gone? Now that you’ve got her, that is? I hope you can finally be happy. You deserve it.  

Glad to hear that she finds my amorous adventures entertaining.  Someone ought to. I personally did not enjoy getting my arse kicked by the cheese merchant. Twice.  It’s not my fault his wife told me he was dead! I’ve managed to avoid anything of the sort for almost a year now.  I thought my image needed a bit of a change once I was knighted. Figured it was about time I be respectable.

That, and Ri glares at me disapprovingly whenever she finds out I’ve done something unscrupulous.  She returned to Starkhaven when I did. Said she didn’t want to leave me unsupervised, but I know that’s not the truth.  She’s scared to be alone, and I don’t blame her. I’ve been watching her back, and she’s watching mine. She’s a good friend, and I think she’d be happy to know you asked about her.  I know you’ve got it in your head that she hates you, but she doesn’t. She cares about you, but the past is the past. Last time we talked about it, she said she met someone in Denerim and that they’re staying in touch. Some blacksmith or something.

Anyway, it’s really good to hear from you, Nate. Make sure you find me if your Warden duties ever bring you up to the Marches! I’ll buy you and that lass of yours a pint on the king’s tab.  Not really— but you get the sentiment.  

Don’t be a stranger!

Love,

Ben

Dear Nathaniel,

I am certain that you are already aware that I will be returning to Ferelden in Drakonis.  Albert and I planned on leaving just after we received Queen Anora’s letter, but the baby came much earlier than expected, and he was ill for weeks.  I had to recover as well. Now, we have a happy, healthy baby boy: Aidan Nathaniel Howe. Aidan, after Albert’s grandfather, his hero, and Nathaniel after mine (I know you’re scowling, and stop it.  It’s rude). We decided to give him the Howe name to make his status as the heir amply known.  

Ha! Heirs. Succession.  It seems so strange to be thinking about all of those things now doesn’t it?  I never thought that our family would have any claim to Amaranthine again, and now… it’s all in my hands.  Maker, I wish Thomas were still alive to see it. As much as he tormented me when we were younger, I miss him dearly.

Anyway, I just thought you would want to know about your nephew.

See you soon.

Love,

Delilah

Dear Delilah,

I am happy to hear that both you and the baby are doing well.  No, I am not scowling that you gave him my name. I do not believe I am worthy of such an honor as I have not exactly been the world’s most present older brother, but I accept it graciously nonetheless.  It means a lot to me, Sister. I am looking forward to meeting him.

So is Liss, which is an entirely different topic, isn’t it?

Weeks after I visited you in Amaranthine, and completely by coincidence, I rescued Fergus from some refugee bandits. He told me that Liss survived.  I know I should have written to you about it at that very moment. She is your friend too, after all. To no one’s surprise, I handled my emotions poorly, and I have been working to get everything sorted out ever since.  I hope the news of her survival will make you happy enough that you are not too cross with me about not telling you sooner.

See you soon.

Love,

Nathaniel

P.S. I miss Thomas, too.

Dear Thomas, How long do you intend to keep our sister in the dark about your survival?  I hope not indefinitely because I cannot stand lying to her about something so serious.  She loves you and deserves better.

There will be a formal celebration at the beginning of Drakonis.  If I were you, I would make certain that my arse was there.  

Love, Nathaniel

Vigil's Keep - Drakonis, 9:32 Dragon

Nathaniel stood at his mirror, adjusting his collar and making himself look presentable.  At first, he had loathed the notion of individually tailored Warden formal wear on principle, however, he could not argue that the blue dovetail overcoat— adorned with silver filigree patterns on the chest, collar, shoulders, and cuffs— suited him.  He could hardly remember owning anything so nice, even as a child when he was paraded about in front of his well-to-do Bryland grandmother like a tragic little doll. The designer was indeed remarkable at her craft.

The past few days had been eventful, to say the very least.  Two days prior, Fergus had shown up at the keep with a very large mabari in tow, who was overjoyed to be reunited with Liss, who appeared to return the sentiment.  She had greeted Bear, as she called him, before she ever said a word to Fergus. Nathaniel offered him an apology, but Fergus claimed to have expected as much from his sister.  They spent several hours catching up while Liss wrestled with the dog on the floor, chiming in to the conversation as she deemed fit. It felt almost like old times.

Then, just the day before,  Delilah and her family arrived safely from across the Waking Sea.  Her husband, Albert, was a tall, stout man with dark blonde hair and a full beard.  Despite his imposing appearance, he was soft spoken and genial, doting tenderly upon Aidan while Delilah talked to Liss.  He was the complete opposite of Father in every way. There was no question as to why Delilah adored him.

Aidan was a beautiful baby with dark eyes and a head full of raven hair.  He was not incredibly fond of meeting new people, however, fussing and crying when Nathaniel and Liss tried to hold him.  Liss had managed to console him, bouncing on her heels and humming. She was tearful, clearly thinking about her own nephew, but she managed to hold it together until later that evening.  Nathaniel held her while she cried, and promised her that envy did not make her a bad person.

Now, he was simply biding time until Delilah’s celebration began, attempting to ignore the ache in his chest and the years of painful memories he had come to associate with noble gatherings.  Rationally, he could tell himself that this was different, that father was no longer alive to torment him, and that it was going to be fun. However, there seemed to be no convincing himself of that emotionally.  Dread loomed over him, like a dark cloud foreboding a storm, but dissipated quickly when there was a knock at the door.

“Yes,” he asked as he pulled the door open, recoiling when it was not a uniformed guard as he expected, but rather an elf in dark armor with an unusual facial tattoo spanning his left temple and cheek bone, “Who are you?”

“The Warden-Commander told me you would be suspicious, and you did not disappoint.” The man let out a hearty laugh before continuing.  “I am Zevran Arainai, at your service. I met your father once. He hired me to kill dear Lucia, a mission I am pleased to have failed.”

Nathaniel narrowed his eyes. “You’re an assassin?”

“ Was an assassin,” he corrected, “Now, I kill assassins.  A much better profession, no?”

“Can I help you?”

“Right, right,” Zevran said with another laugh, “Straight to the point.  There are two things. First, Lucia asked me to tell you she needs to speak with you before the festivities begin.  She is waiting up on the battlements.”

“She couldn’t have just sent a guard?” A smirk twitched on Nathaniel’s lips.

“Well, I had a delivery to make, and since I was coming to find you anyway…”

“A delivery?”

The elf grinned mischievously and glanced to his left, nodding at something or someone who stood next to him.  He stepped to the side and another figure took his place, face obscured by a dark hood. The figure reached up to pull back the hood, and Nathaniel’s breath caught in his throat as familiar blue eyes stared back at him.

“T-thomas,” he said reaching forward and placing his hands on his brother’s shoulders.

“The one and only,” Thomas answered, voice strained even as a smile stretched across his face.

“What are you doing here,” Nathaniel asked as he embraced his brother briefly, punctuating the hug with a pat on the back.

“Got your letter,” Thomas said, holding out a piece of parchment and sighing, “Despite the fact that I loathe being battered into submission by my own guilt, you were right to do so. It wasn’t fair to keep Delilah in the dark like that.”

“So she knows you’re here?”

“I held the baby and everything.  I’m a little wounded that she named him after you instead of memorializing her deceased brother.”

“She doesn’t have a deceased brother,” Nathaniel stated dryly.  

“She didn’t know that,” Thomas exclaimed, and in the background, the elf snickered. “Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and have a touching, brotherly moment before all of the festivities start.  I wouldn’t want to pry you away from Lady Elissa.”

“Have you talked to her?”

“Accidentally bumped into her in the hallway without my hood on a bit ago.  It was awkward. She cried, and you know how horrible I am when people cry.”

Nathaniel laughed and shook his head. “I am certain you handled it appropriately.”

“If you say so,” Thomas sighed.  He paused for a moment, glanced at Zevran and then brought his eyes back to Nathaniel. “You should probably go speak to your commander now.  Apparently, it’s important. I will catch up with you later.”

“You better.”

As soon as his brother and Zevran disappeared down the hallway, Nathaniel made his way outside and up the several flights of steps to the battlements.  It was nearing dusk, and the deep orange of sunset burned across the chilly evening sky. He saw Lucia immediately, her own formal blue coat and sparkling silver decoration standing out against the backdrop.  She leaned over the parapet and peered out over the courtyard. Nathaniel still had not determined whether she did that to observe the people below, or if it was simply a way for her to lose herself in her own thoughts.  Perhaps it was both.  

He approached her slowly and cleared his throat, hoping not to startle her.  She rose up off her elbows and turned to face him, smiling almost imperceptibly.  “I am glad you got my message.”

“What do you need of me?”

Lucia sighed heavily, posture drooping as she did so, more defeated than relaxed. “I received correspondence from the First Warden, and he is less than pleased with me.”

“Why,” Nathaniel inquired, “Is it because of Amaranthine?”

Laughing bitterly, she answered, “No.  He cited my ‘failure to act in accordance with Grey Warden protocol.’ I was a Grey Warden for less than a day when the Blight fell into my lap.  There was no protocol.”

“The First Warden can rot,” he remarked, only somewhat joking.

Lucia snorted and shook her head.  “I am doing the best I can with the resources available to me.  I think that he would have been satisfied with that answer had I not ‘let’ Anders run off.”

“You did not ‘let’ him do anything.  He did not exactly ask for permission.”

The mage had left Vigil’s Keep, possessed by Justice just a week or so prior.  There would have been no stopping him without killing him, and nobody wanted to do that.  He was their friend.

“He hasn’t ever asked for permission for as long as I’ve known him.” She frowned, a line forming between her brows. “I should have known.”

“You saved his life,” Nathaniel pointed out,  “If you had not conscripted him, who is to say the Templars would not have had him executed as soon as they returned to Kinloch Hold.”

“I know, but to him it was as if I slapped another set of shackles on his wrists. I understand.”  She smiled again, but this time, there was a sadness to it that had not been present before. “I did not ask you to come here so that I could complain about Anders for the fiftieth time.”

“Why did you send for me, then?”

“To appease the First Warden I am falling in line with as much of standard protocol as I can conscience.  I refuse to let people enter their Joinings unprepared, no matter how much he twists my arm.” She paused and took a step away from the parapet, turning to face Nathaniel “But they are correct in that it would serve me well to appoint a second-in-command.  If anything, recent events have proven that I need one.”

“So, Alistair, then?”

She shook her head.   “I asked him his thoughts on the matter, considering that he is technically the most senior Warden in the country and should, for all intents and purposes, outrank me.”

“Let me guess,” Nathaniel added, “He wanted nothing to do with it.”

“He thinks it should be you.”  She hesitated. “And I am inclined to agree with him.”

He flinched, words stunning him as if they’d been lobbed in his direction from across an empty room.  “You’re serious.”

“I typically am.” Lucia smirked, and then continued.  “Looking back over these past few months I see how I leaned on you for so many things, both related to the Wardens and otherwise.  You have never let me down, not once. You supported my most difficult decisions. You placed yourself in harm's way to save my life.”

“You would be comfortable with having a second-in-command who is an insubordinate arse?”  Nathaniel raised his eyebrows, grin twitching at the corners of his mouth.

“I was comfortable with having a Grey Warden who wanted me dead.  Insubordination is a non-issue,” she explained matter-of-factly, “Besides, I think that a good second-in-command would not be afraid to oppose and challenge me when necessary.”

He thought for a moment, considering the weight of such a position, and what it meant for his future.  He could not see himself refusing. The Wardens had given him a new life, a new purpose, and he was proud that Lucia considered him for the title.

“If you are certain,” he said, finally,” Then I gladly accept.”

“I am,” she assured him, looking down and pulling a small, silver brooch in the shape of an encircled griffon feather from her pocket.  She reached forward and began to pin it to the collar of his coat. “Here. A symbol of your new rank.”

“And what is my new rank?”  He watched as she finished securing the pin and pulled away.

“Warden-Constable,” she said, flashing a grin and patting him gently on the shoulder. “Thank you.  For everything.”

He bit back the sting of tears, and replied. “It has been my honor.”

“Yes, well.”  Lucia cleared her throat, uncomfortable with whatever emotion she currently felt, “I should probably go check on Alistair before the festivities begin.  He was not thrilled with the new outfit, claims armor would be more comfortable.”

Nathaniel chuckled quietly and nodded.  “I will see you downstairs.”

They parted ways, and Nathaniel made his way back inside and down to the corridor where the Wardens’ quarters lay.  With the visit from Thomas and meeting with Lucia, he was most certainly late, but he hoped that Liss had not gone ahead to the main hall without him.  Ridiculous as it was, he looked forward to escorting her. He approached her door and knocked.

“Come in,” Liss chirped without so much as asking who was there.  

Nathaniel twisted the knob and pushed open the door, entering the room slowly.  Liss stood on the far side, back to him as she looked into a mirror, pinning her hair back from her face.  She turned to face him, her smile illuminating the entire room and warming him to the core.

“Hey Nate,” she said, twirling around in her new attire, dark gray breeches and a long blue overcoat with slitted sleeves that ran the length of the coat.  The bust and collar were adorned with similar silver decorations as his own coat, but the neckline swooped down just below her collarbone. She stopped and glanced down before flicking her eyes back up to him. “What do you think?”

“I— you look…” Nathaniel attempted a sentence, grasping for any words that made sense.  He laughed, gathered himself, and continued. “Beautiful seems like an understatement.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” She laughed and moved to straighten his collar, noticing the new griffon wing pinned there.  She ran her thumb over the surface and brought her eyes up to him, grinning uncontrollably. “Warden-Constable.”

He eyed her curiously. “How did you know?”

“Alistair let it slip a few days ago. Made me swear that I wouldn’t tell you.”

“You are terrible at keeping secrets. I am not certain how you managed.”

“I wanted you to be surprised,” she explained, reaching up to pinch his cheek.  She giggled when he scowled. “Also, as it turns out, seeing that crooked, proud smile of yours when you walked in was entirely worth the wait.”

“Are you flirting with me, my lady,” he asked, bringing his hands to her waist.

“Maybe.” Liss eyes glittered with amusement as she pressed herself flush against him and tilted her head back, “What of it?”  

“Nothing,” he whispered, leaning forward to capture her lips. It was brief and gentle, just enough to make the air in the room feel heavier.  He moved to kiss her again, but was interrupted by a nudge at his legs and a loud bark. Liss pressed her lips together and huffed, looking down at the enormous dog beside them.

“Bear,” she scolded, “Jealousy is unbecoming for a hound of your pedigree.”

Bear hung his head and whimpered, tail slowing its wagging to a halt.  Liss knelt down and scratched roughly behind his ears, and he peeked up instantly.

“Besides,” she added, “I’ve got room enough in my heart for both of you.”

Bear barked cheerfully, appearing to be satisfied with her answer, and trotted away to lay on his bed in the corner of the room.  Liss rose to her feet and sighed. “Sorry, he’s just territorial. He’ll get over it, I’m sure.”

“I can’t blame him,” Nathaniel teased, leaning forward and kissing her cheek. “It is no doubt for the best that he interrupted us.  We’re already late enough as it is.”

“I suppose you’re right,” she said with feigned annoyance.  

“Shall we head downstairs, my lady,” he asked, offering her his arm.  

She smiled and accepted, hooking her arm through his.  “Lead the way, my love.”

Nathaniel froze, stunned by the innocent, yet incredibly powerful turn of phrase.  He had to remind himself to breathe, and when he looked at Liss, she bit her lip. Laughing and shaking his head, he led her down the hallway and toward the stairwell.

As they entered the hall, bustling with people, from nobility to Wardens, soldiers to servants, Nathaniel realized the dread he’d expected to loom over him the whole evening had not returned.  Instead, as he scanned the room that looked so different from its typical austerity, he saw his friends and family, people who cared for him and respected him. For so many years, his father’s opinion of him had rung so loudly in his ears, he could hear no one else.  He expected to spend his days miserable and his nights lonely, to matter to no one and amount to nothing. None of it was true, and it never had been.  

He turned his head to look at Liss, her presence at his side like sunlight to a wilted flower, constant and encouraging just as it alway was. He had never quite been able to come up with a definitive reason for why he fell in love with her so many years ago. He had never understood what it was that made her so different from any other beautiful, kind person he had known.  But now, he knew.

The way she looked at him now, standing at the highest point in his life so far, was completely indistinguishable from the way she looked at him when he was nothing more than a miserable, grumpy child. She had seen value in him when he was convinced he did not have any, and she had never given up her determination to show him just exactly what she saw.

She loved him when there was not much to love, and for that reason among many others, he would love her forever.

He had spent so many summers hidden away while everyone else celebrated, pretended he hated eating, drinking, and merry-making so that it felt like staying in his room was a choice.  He had wasted so many chances to have fun, to drink a bit too much, to make friends, to kiss his dearest friend until their lips were numb. He was not certain now how he had so much restraint as a child and adolescent.  He knew without question he could not manage it now.

He was tired of temperance.

Tonight, surrounded by friends and loved ones, at a get-together so much like those of his youth, he had a chance to finally live.

[vvakarians]

Closure

An ending to a relationship in my D&D Campaign and the end of a relationship in my friend group. Under the cut.

Never had Bell needed to set foot in Blackthorn Prison, a veritable fortress to keep the most hated of the dead behind impenetrable walls. It’s exactly what every single one of the prisoners deserved. A cold, hard view to keep them company while the rest of eternity passed them by without even a second glance. This was their torture. Somewhere in the back of Bell’s mind he wished that it was harsher; he wished that the temperature could be felt to a sharper degree, the hardness of the walls and the absence of light dialed up to an intolerable level. At the very least it was a comfort that this is where Davorin had ended up. It was perhaps less than what he deserved but it was something. Ielia had written to him that the paladin would be put into more fitting conditions soon, Bell was just impatient. Rightfully so.

His prosthetic landed with a crack against the stone and he silently winced at the sound. Normally it wouldn’t have been much of an issue but the circumstances under which he had gotten it was...complicated in this situation. It harbored memories that Bell would have rather left under lock and key. While he strode past long dead criminals and evil spirits, Bell tried to shove down all thoughts of that night. Those moments did him no good to remember, not now. New pain fueled him and he wanted to wait for Davorin’s sniveling face to rear up before he let him have it with the old.

Thankfully, the hiss of some half rotted creature drew him from his stupor and he snarled at it, slamming down his heel on the hand that had lashed out from the bars. There was a whimper and an angry screech in reply as it shrank back into it’s cell, two golden eyes peering at him from the darkness. Nothing but pity and a quiet annoyance roiled in Bellamy’s gut for the thing, it had brought this on itself. A waste of skin now, perhaps that’s what would become of Davorin. He had been so prideful, so vain; that was fitting of such a man. As he walked away, Bellamy found himself wishing Ielia would enact that punishment. Or something equally as damning and painful. Something that befit a selfish traitor.

Confidence surged through Bell as he rounded the corner and spotted a familiar silhouette slumped over on the bench in a cell. Stripped of his plate armor, weapons, and shield, Davorin looked insignificant. Even the horrific burn scars where his tattoos had been seemed like a small thing compared to what he had been before. Dressed in just a plain undershirt and his trousers, he looked fittingly pathetic.  It was refreshing to Bellamy as he remembered that he towered over this man both literally and figuratively.  The man didn’t even raise himself until Bell was inches from the door to his cell, no doubt the familiar clack of his prosthetic telling who his company was before he saw the face. An icy pit of anger welled up inside of Bell as he watched Davorin slowly look up, sadness creeping over the once handsome features of the paladin.

“Bell--”

“It’s Lord Kaldwin to you. My first name is reserved for people who actually care”, Bell spat back before Davorin could even finish his sentence, gaining a shocked expression from the other man.

“Really? Already writing me off, just like that?”

“Don’t see why not, seeing as you made the snap decision to just fucking leave like you did. Real nice touch by the way, leaving your shit for me and your daughters to pick up. Or did you forget that you had a family?”

Those grey blue eyes Bell had found comfort in once narrowed at him, full of frustration and a hint of malice now. He hadn’t taken care of himself even in death, the other man noted that his beard had gotten scragglier and there were deep lines where there hadn’t been in life. Maybe, just maybe, his isolation was getting the better of him.

“Why are you here?”, Davorin mumbled, his voice streaked with pain.

“Closure. Ielia told me I was free to come ask all the questions I wanted. Seeing as I was the person closest to you, I think that’s a free trade off don’t you?”

“Then ask. Don’t dance around me with your bullshit”

The smallest pang of guilt pierced through Bell’s mask of confidence but he swallowed it expertly, keeping his head high.

“Fine. What happened? We both know that you shouldn’t be here unless you died, Davorin”

There was a derisive chuckle and Bell watched while the paladin pulled away his undershirt slightly, revealing his broad chest. Where there should be a smooth --albeit hairy-- expanse of muscle on the left side, there was a giant, gaping hole. The edges were still torn, still healing over. It would take centuries for that to completely close., if it ever did.

“Shar took what she wanted. Watched her crumple it into dust before I faded away if you want to really know, it was quite painful”

Bell scoffed, feeling his anger return in waves, “A fitting end, don’t you think? You did metaphorically rip out a few people’s hearts. Mine included”

Uncomfortable silence filled the wing as Davorin leaned back and settled in, watching Bell stand there for a moment. Panic gripped him slightly while he waited for an answer, a comment, anything. This was a little more than unnerving. The other man’s voice nearly gave him a start as it echoed amongst the stone walls, quiet and almost too sad to bear.

“I thought you said you’d never hate me”

Those simple words were enough to enrage Bell and he surged forward to slam into the bars of Davorin’s cell, his cane clattering to the floor with a tremendous sound. His knuckles gripped the metal with white knuckles while he fought back the urge to spit curses in every language he knew. Instead, he decided on the quiet, terrifying anger.

“You broke that trust years before I uttered those words, Davorin! It was one thing to not remember you had a daughter, or that you were practically married to an evil deity of secrets! Amnesia is a bitch and I realize that. What you failed to let me know was that you let that deity fuck with my memories! Memories, by the way, that were of you attempting to kill me! This was before you had any inclination of becoming a revenant, you settled into the security that I wouldn’t remember any of that! It’s not even you attempting to kill me that takes the cake, it’s the fact you would lie to me like that!”

Shock and terror filled the human’s features and he scrambled to get up, to walk forward and meet Bellamy at the door. But the other man took a step backwards shakily, letting go of the bars right as Davorin’s fingers brushed against his. Rage was boiling within the aasimar and he was about to throw inflict wounds onto a dead man just for the hell of it.

“Bell, I didn’t know about that when I found you again! Look at me and tell me that you think I would do that now”

A scoff escaped Bellamy as he shook his head in disbelief, tears welling up at the corners of his eyes, “It doesn’t matter if you wouldn’t do that now. Our trust is broken. I can’t even tell you if I know you wouldn’t anyway, it doesn’t erase the fact you did it once. That was enough to ruin everything. And it’s only part of the problem”

“What on earth have I done besides that?”

For a moment the words caught in Bellamy’s throat, the pain choking him and leaving him without air. His fists clenched at his sides painfully, nails digging into the meat of his palms. He couldn’t just walk away, he couldn’t. With hot tears running down his cheeks, leaving molten trails of gold on his skin he let his voice ring out in the prison.

“You broke your promise that you wouldn’t leave again”

Davorin’s eyes blew wide with a surge of sorrow, a shattered sound filling his sound as he let his hands fall away from the bars. The blue in his gaze was completely whisked away into grey while he sat back down onto his bench and let his face fall into his large hands. There was nothing but pure hatred and numbness at Bell’s fingertips as he scooped up his cane, leaning on it heavily while he waited for something. Anything. It felt as if years passed by as he stood there, wiping away shining tears that stained his skin. This time he did start when Davorin’s thick Imenian accent reached his ears.

“I’m sorry, Bellamy. I had no intention of harming you, nor Rosette and Nadya”

“I don’t want your apology, Davorin. It’s impossible to swallow when you did harm us. You left a six year old girl wondering why her father left her behind, and a woman looking for comfort wondering why she keeps losing people. Your brother thinks it’s his fault that you turned out like this, and Divines know what the hell Anya thinks! We haven’t even found her yet. The part for me was that...I had no warning. I had to go through so many stages of grief in a handful of seconds”, a bitter laugh echoed along the halls as Bell took a breath, “Even worse than that was I had planned on proposing to you after we destroyed my father. I think I can definitively say that I dodged a pretty large fucking bullet there. The man I fell in love with wasn’t ever real. The Davorin Sokolov I know wouldn’t have done any of that, but perhaps I had fabricated him”

Another bout of silence fell upon the two, and Bell had finally gathered the courage to turn around, to just leave. Until the other man spoke again, softly this time, almost incoherent through his tears.

“I love you, Bell”

With a shock, even to himself, Bellamy smiled at Davorin through his own tears and laughed without any of the bitterness from before.

“We both made mistakes, it seems. Proved fatal for you”

“What..what are you going to do now?”

Bellamy cleared his throat and adjusted his grip on the head of the cane, his leg had started to ache. But he could still walk away.

“Why would I tell you?”

[benefits1986]

Year 7: Final Year Na Ba Talaga?

Today, I was greeted by the watch mom gifted me with before she passed on 7 years ago. Nakakatakot. Pota. Pero it made me smile inside out. Well, after shaking my head, that is. Tomorrow is her birthday in heaven and nagpapaganaps na naman siya in her own way and style. I guess it’s one of the reasons why I hate to love and love to hate my home in Manila. It is filled with too many memories of my life’s most defining chapter.  Funny how mom never fails to let me know that while I seem to be so crappy with how I deal with my life after she passed on, she reassures me that no matter what, it’s toward the right direction. Ako lang ‘tong takot sumabak at pabebe in a way na I’d rather keep my comfort zone than to be the palovean wander and wonder girl that I am all these years. By wonder pala, I mean, laging out there for adventure and always has a hefty dose of curiosity.  The past months have been particularly interesting, the most interesting parts of my life, no matter how sedated and boring and “downgrade-worthy” they appear. The past months have been spent in Palawan then back to Manila mostly with my dogs as I prune my seven years of being stuck in a really, really bad cycle of denying myself of the bucket list that I try to postpone just because I’ve already been on a track where I’ve done more than I can inspite failing many, many times miserably.  For someone who’s strategic and really, really aware of compartmentalizing my emotions to the point of concealing them very, very cleverly and artistically, admitting that I need to take a huge step back is extremely death-defying. Notice that I use the word death-defying because for such a long time, I have denied vulnerability in order to survive a life without purpose --that is a life without my mom.  Looking back, all the doors that opened no matter how promising did not make sense. I thought back then that I do not deserve them. I thought that I am not worthy mainly because I dream dreams that have turned to realities when I lost my mom. I took so much of me even when there’s not much left of me without anyone else knowing how fucked up I am because, hey, ego over heartbreaks, right? Back then, I severely punished myself because I felt alone and cheated. Even when people tell me that I am doing a decent job or even a good one, I felt so small and so insignificant. It is because of this immense blow that I found myself OD-ing on work. Yes, work that I am kind of decent with but something that I vehemently disapprove of. I figured that every time I spent away from my family is a step toward proving something to myself --a world where my mom’s memories cease to exist, or so I thought. 

Every deadline, every goal met, every KPI delivered felt addictive. And so, it progressed to higher dosages as I found myself more unhappy, more unstable and heck, even more miserable, after the high wears off. It’s for this reason that I seem to be a weirdo when I say I hate my world and most especially my work but I keep showing up never mind the fuck ups I cause along with the chaos that is part of my strategic and creative process. Hah. So much for shit, yes? And then it progressed even more. I wanted to turn back time because I felt my mom betrayed me, hence I moved to a bigger organization in the hopes of getting into an even bigger world I denied myself of before graduation --a world where I know is tough and will eventually corrupt me, but, hell, yeah, a world that I’ve been dreaming of just because I felt that I can finally prove to my mom of all people that I’ve made it big without her help, without her approval, and without her, at all. Twisted to the core, but back then, I don’t give a shit. Really. And being the go-getter girl that I am, I managed to wiggle my way to the bigger world where I finally got face to face with even bigger matters that made the already problematic plot even thicker. The OD on work topped with a brimming social calendar and the thirst to get to the even bigger world got the best of me. I don’t even know if it’s considered the best of me when I am an autopilot mode each day because the high no longer mattered, literally and figuratively. I somehow managed to theorize that it may be because I am getting old and that YOLO is no longer part of my vocab nor my mantra. Wrong. I was beginning to see the perils of OD-ing on things that do not make me breathe and live anymore. That’s when I started thinking more and more and more and more about killing myself without anyone knowing it. Hah. That’s how fucked up I was. My reason was not that nobody loved me nor valued me. I simply wanted things to end because it’s no longer worth wasting time on. I felt that my breaths are not mine. I felt that I am taking up too much space in this already densely populated planet. And most of all, I’d like to take my chances if there’s indeed a world after this world. In short, I missed my mom and I wanted to be with her. Simple as that. No fancy shmancy shit that involves family or friends who did not look after me or watched over me. No lack of love life or dating or flirting. No loneliness. No shadows of the past. Just plain old “thank-u-next” life kind of vibe. And so, one fine day, I met a car accident, my first to be specific. And, guess what? It was a total car wreck. 

Though the car may look decent enough, thing is it’s matic, hence, the car insurance company declared that I’d rather be given a full damage claim rather than fix it. Imagine. My first ever car accident was a total car wreck. How awesome is that, ain’t it? I can never forget that day where I chose to OD once more on work. Hah. This bitch ain’t giving up back in those days. Showed up to work at 11:30 am and ended my day at around 5 am. Had decent performance that day because I was able to swing a bigwig meeting with the board of directors and our CEO and our seniors PLUS handled a trending event with co-workers while drinking and doing shamncy live social media reportage. Little did I know though that this particular OD will cause me to lose control that I thought I had all these years. You see my adrenaline is on its A-game all my life even when I lost my mom. I remember asking Manila Memorial and Trinity in the calmest and collected style if they offer 0% on credit card payments for their services. Also, I slept like a baby an hour after mom died. See? Adrenaline A-game, bitches! 

However, because I was on OD with something that kills me without me knowing it, I felt my ground shake that very early morning after my car wreck. I felt my body shut down as I quivered and felt cold sweat. Another first. I felt the pain of the whiplash I was not aware of, hence, I was shook thinking I might have unknowingly gotten a fracture. And oh, after drinking and smoking like a crazy AF kid, I discovered I had a lump on my forehead and that lump was quite big and throbbing. All these while I succumb to hailing a cab because Grab drivers think my location is out of their bounds. I cried in the cab and thank you, universe, for the driver whose face I can no longer remember. He simply assured me that everything will be okay and that I just needed to rest and calm down. He even shared that car accidents ought to be traumatic and that eventually, I’d be back on the road because I should not be intimidated by these normal occurrences. At that moment, I felt like he was Rafiki in The Lion King and that The Circle of Life is playing in the background. And I was this fucked up young Simba gone adult. 

Things seemed to be back to regular programming, inside I began to see I was rotting. I began to question why I’ve been living in a material world that I totally believe to be immaterial. I began to feel the pull all the emotional shutdowns are causing my physical stance. I began getting sick to the point that the heartburns would not allow me to get up from my bed. Flashbacks of the car wreck became random thoughts even when I try my best to go back to OD-ing with work again. And then, a glorious system failure happen. I missed deadlines. I learned the realities of this world -the small, the big and the bigger worlds. I began to see that this world that feeds me is the same world that would kill me before I know it. And that now that I finally know that this world is killing me, I am pretty much veering toward shutting it down for my sanity. Problem is I don’t want to. Problem is I choose not to know how to. Problem is I already built a life that I can’t sustain without this world. Problem is I keep making excuses because, heck, yeah. I am that strategic girl, right?  And so, I came back to a place where my dreams turned nightmares began. I somehow convinced myself that my dreams in this bubble were dreams that not only belonged to me, but were part of a grander purpose, something bigger than who I am and who I thought I am. So, after trying it out with all that I can, the OD-ing were no longer enough. I found myself in a very, very dark place that is ultimately hollow. Imagine. Dark and hollow in one go. Shit gets more and more real. I thought that if I have a dream with a dream team, things would be better and that eventually, I’d be back to regular programming. But, dreams turned realities are usually more messed up because they go beyond deadlines. They fuck up with your lifelines, big time. 

Months later, the OD-ing pulled me to a place where there is absolutely nothing except me, myself and I. Again, nobody knows this back then because I am that strategic and creative critter. Physical tolls kick in harder. The emotional turmoil escalated all the more. The self-inflicted shit fest came in handier. The deadlines kept piling up and honestly, that was the first time that I did not care at all. I thought that I was selfish, but in retrospect, that was me crying out for help not from others, but from me --the me that is still somehow breathing under all the shit pile that is above and beyond me. Of course, I was trying to solve these because I need to be fed by the world I chose to be part of, but, I failed more than ever. I had some A-game wins but the wins were at the expense of my sanity. And again, this is the first time that I am totally experience shutdowns both in the physical and the mental spheres, and I am not kidding when I say that these shutdowns make me feel more than nothing. It’s so difficult to explain, so let’s save that for another entry, shall we?  And so, I decided to make a full stop amidst everything. I just woke up one day and told myself that it’s time that I allow myself to look after myself. I just realized that I ought to be wasting my time beautifully. And that beautifully meant I am the only one to define it. For the first time in my life, I was able to let the voices inside me have a decent conversation with any trace of OD-ing on anything.  Today, I am still learning. I am still afraid. I am still figuring things out.  Today, I can say that I am back on track even if it seems like I am still lost. I can say that I finally managed to live my truths even when it seems that the world I was once in look down on me, and yes, I don’t give a shit. After all, I am still the strategic and creative girl, but now, I am also a work in progress in the name of things that make me more of the me I always dreamt of without having to run away from my mother’s memories. I am a work in progress who’s on her way to live with intent as I make more sense of how to die beautifully in my eye. Of course, I still want my mother’s approval, but now, I realized that I don’t need it. Sweet, right? 

[maxiustaxius]

Dear person I hate,

Dear person I hate,

Thanks for bringing me into this world only to hate me and my brother and my father-your husband.

 Thanks for drinking so many times a week that I fear how long I need to stay in my room before you pass out. 

Thanks for making me sacrifice things a child shouldn’t have to sacrifice. 

Thanks for being such a selfish asshole and deciding your emotional stability is more important than mine and my depression when really you’re perfectly fine and don’t have daily dysphoria like me.

Thanks for making me come to school crying SO MANY TIMES.

Thanks for making me break up with my first girlfriend-and relationship ever because I was scared I would hurt her while you were in my life. She hates me now by the way. 

Thanks for making me stand out to kids at my school during a presentation by a police officer when he said “Raise your hand if you have someone in your life who abuses alcohol or drugs.” and when I raised my hand I had kids stare at me in disgust and the kid who sat next to me asked me if I was okay and I had to lie to him and say “Yes.”

Thanks for making me scared of you but have to act like I like you.

Thanks for not trusting me and invading my privacy when your drunk and blame your trust issues on me.

Thanks for blaming my hate on you on me and making yourself the victim when you’re NEVER the victim. 

Thanks for forcing me to tell you I was suicidal and making fun of the way I told you because I was too scared to use my voice.

Thanks for telling me-when I was first diagnosed with Scoliosis-I would die if I didn’t play by your rules and fix my posture. You also blamed my posture on myself when my deformity is probably ALL your fault for your constant smoking and drinking you old hag. 

I hate you with a burning passion and you never deserve love. Never have and never will. You’re disgusting and I wish I died before I was born. I’m constantly jealous of my brother because he’ll be leaving in a year or two and I’ll be stuck here for 5 or 6. I hate that you’re so two faced and act like you care about me around your co-workers but as soon as we’re home you drink and drink and drink and blame everything on me.

How dare you tell your 5 year old daughter that she’s a bitch because you’re too drunk to tell her to wait for you to finish talking to your friends when all she’s wanting to do is ask you if she can play with your makeup with her cousin.

How dare you fight with your husband that you-oh so love dearly-for years and when he decided to leave for a few nights you cried and drank and acted like you regretted everything and when he came back at 2 in the morning you acted like nothing happened.

Don’t get mad at me because you’re a bitch who gets pissed in her cereal every morning. You deserved you brother and dad dying. They were my family too and I don’t take it out on ANYBODY.

I respect all women and would never call any woman a bitch but you deserve it twice a day.

You deserve to rot and die alone.

I’m not scared of dying alone but you should.

Also don’t get mad at me for fantasying you cheating on dad so he would divorce you and I have the possibility of leaving you.

I hate you and don’t deserve either of your sons or husband or anything good that’s happened in your life. I wish I could just leave. Everyday.

[themaraudingmisfits-blog]

Advice you probably shouldn’t take

DISCLAIMER: The following decrees are spewed by the mind of a highly unqualified twenty something who has zero knowledge about philosophy and even lesser tact or wisdom to dish out sappy quotes and is totally against self help books and thinks rainy days in her jammies with hot cocoa is what it feels like to be “zen”.

Since I don’t have a fairy Godmother who turns pumpkins into carriages, life sorta continued sucking till I learned these things the hard way and I though hey, why not bug you guys with it and maybe some unhappy soul  who is ambling around in this big bad world might actually find it useful but then again since it’s me, it’s advice you probably shouldn’t take...

#1.My first decree to all you humans and non -alike-THOU SHALT BE AWESOME!!

Don’t ever be any less!!

Don’t go down gently!!

Be relentless!!!

Raise hell!!

To all the haters who tell you to be less weird or less loud or to live by the rules or to be part of the flock…tell all of them to fuck off!!

We struggle with the whole of our being to get through each day, with bad coffee and late passes and F’s on pop quizzes and broken hearts , why make it harder than it already is by trying to fit in? Why be a different you? Why must you listen to the dont’s and the cant’s and the shouldnt’s  and all those other frownie words?

Take your life by the reins and charge into the world with your oh so special souls coz you have one freaking life and you have to make it count as the sparkly person you are!! Be proud and awesome!

Be confused, be gay, be a lesbian, be emo, be a blob, be anything and want everything because you deserve nothing less and you are enough for yourself!!

#2.QUIT

Whaaat?? What is this crazy chick saying? The whole world tell me to keep going, to keep trying ,quitters never win and all that bull and one fine day she comes along and tells me to quit?

Yes, I just told you to quit.

Quit doing what you don’t like LOVE !!

Don’t do it coz your best friend does it, or it’s been in the family or that’s what your sister majored in. Stop taking those guitar lessons you hate, you don’t have to watch GOT or listen to profane songs or put on make-up. Stop doing all those things unless you absolutely sure as hell love doing it. Coz you’ll have been whiling away your time, missing out on things you love. Do you really want that for yourself?

If you dont’ stop now then soon you’ll be stuck at a desk job typing in numbers and missing out on doing some volunteer work or taking snake charming lessons or gorging on barbeque flavoured bagels in Northern California so quit now and run off , getting the hell away from what was holding you back,

 #3.It’s okay to say NO!!

I’m one of those people who cannot CANNOT say a decent NO to anyone even if it means doing something that makes me miserable or if it means having to walk an extra kilometre to go get that person’s favourite kind of popsicle even if she’s been a total bitch to me my whole life,I multi task, I take on stuff, a gazillion things with the complete knowledge that I know I won’t be able to go through with it but I’m going to use my yet to be discovered powers and what happens at the end? I mess up, I’m unhappy and grumpy and I compIain about what was originally my fault because I was a wimp who couldn’t muster up the single syllabic no.

But you know what? You are not super human, most of us are struggling to be barely human, we cannot do everything, that whole “anything is possible if you believe “ is total BULLSHIT!! It’s not, you can’t complete your assignments and study for that test and still have the pulsating energy for that party next door. So don’t go for it unless your brain says HELL YEAH!!LET’S DO IT!!

#4.PEOPLE  HAVE  EXPIRY DATES!!

Yea you heard me right...I said people not the can of soup that has been growing some sort of suspicious looking green stuff(which by the way you should stop hoarding!!).

Not worth it to-be stuck in a unkind, possessive , abusive, snarly ,jealous ,selfish…basically pick any word from Webster’s which associates itself with a generally unhappy state of mind relationship…those people should be dead to you by now.

IT’S TIME FOLKS!!IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON!!

Move on from friends who treat you like crap, from boyfriends who treat you like crap,from girlfriends who treat you like crap…you are not crap!!

No more abusive words, no more long sleeved sweaters to hide your black and blue skin, no more should you feel unloved, unwanted or undesired, no more lying and tears. Let’s not make our lives into a second production of sad soaps coz grass is definitely greener on this side of life where there’s only love, trust and respect and smiles from the very few who count.

So get off that curvalacious ass of yours, leave all that rotting people baggage behind for good with no guilt stricken conscience and start walking away while humming HAKUNA MATATA!!

#5.Dont strain those emotional brain muscles!!

Overanalysing?

Thinking so hard that you have that constipated vegetable look on your face? Sleepless nights? Heated discussions where you take advise from a gazillion other people who think they know what’s good for you?

Should I say yes to that guy?

Should I order that scrumplicious looking doughnut or go for that equally yummy cupcake?

Pink or blue?

STOP!!

As my dog-loving-only-chicken-eating(coz chickens don’t have brains)friend(after this maybe ex-friend) would say..go with  your instincts!!

You’ll screw up! Probably the very next decision you take after this will turn out to be a hot mess and you’ll want to kill me but atleast you’ll know never to do it that way..I now know that I shouldn’t ever wear pink after a horribly etched in my memory photoshoot, prawns make me nauseous after the embarrassing barfing incident at an upscale Chinese restaurant ,I shouldn’t ever have anything to do with technology(I go in like god-freaking-zilla and I step on it or break it or submerge it…)

I’m never a 100% certain about my decisions but they’re mine and I take sole responsibility ,no blame games for me.I stopped overthinking, I go with the flow now, I’m impulsive and rash,I don’t agonize over things anymore and it’s made life SOOOOOO much easier, more time to add the I should never do this list.

I’d be lying if I said that I don’t think and take crappy advice AT ALL ,but I’m better, instead of spending a week now I take like two days.Hey, maybe I’ll get better one day...

#6.Love the hot boiling mess that you turn your life into!

YOU SCREWED UP??? What the hell is wrong with you? How could you mess this up? Weren’t you thinking straight??

Dudes and dudettes, I’d ask those same questions to the ones who don’t screw up and pack them off to the nearest loony bin.

It’s okay to screw up…it’s normal.

Everyone around you telling you to be a proactive fixer upper?

Being asked to take responsibility ?

To stop moping around and take action?

BACK OFF!!Those people are the emotionless Umbridges of life.

You messed up? Big fucking whoop!! You don’t have to pick yourself up, take all the blame, find a solution and make things right and still have the energy to carry on. If that was the case then I’d be able to do impossible things like solve the mystery behind the Bermuda triangle and lift Thor’s hammer, but there’s a reason why I don’t do these things, because they’re impossible!!

You let things go down to shit? Be upset, cry, bawl your eyes out, don’t talk to people, eat that monstrous bucket of chicken, do what you have to, feel better. You feel better now?

Pat yourself on the back and slowly pick yourself up from that slough of despair , surround yourself with friends who back you up no matter what and try to sort things out and if not then have the heart to let go and  most importantly, even if you don’t fix things, FORGIVE YOURSELF.

REPEAT THE PROCESS AS AND WHEN NEEDED!!

#7.You feel it? Then show it!

Don’t ever hold back on what you’re feeling, let it all out.

SHOUT OUT AND CELEBRATE!!SQUEAL AND JUMP AROUND AND SMILE LIKE CRAZY AND CRY...

Embrace those happy moments!! Be excited, unreasonably so. Feel ungraciously happy, weak in your knees happy, fist pumping, bursting out of your seams happy. It’s okay to be happy.

CRY. Wring out those tear ducts, let those waves of sadness keep coming, heart breaking sobs, it’s okay to cry.

BE ANGRY.BE FURIOUS.SCREAM if you have to, throw things around, don’t hold back on what you have to say or do.(DO NOT DECAPITATE ANYONE)

Be ANYTHING you want to be, because the right ones who care will understand and they WILL stay.

Cut yourself some slack guys!!You’re worth every bit of love and all the cuddly puppies in the world. Forgive yourself. Hug yourself. Take time off. Stop chasing people and their dreams, start chasing your glittery dream, even if it’s to finally go get some milk from the grocery store or do some late spring cleaning or to land that long dreamt of position as chief editor and love love love and forgive forgive forgive, yourself and everything.

All this might not really unveil answers to the unsolved mysteries of the universe..where do all my pens keep disappearing or who ate the last cookie in the jar..but it helped me through a lot of shit, made me deal with life a lot better than before and made me fall in love with myself all over again, and maybe just maybe you might take up some of this or even smile and THAT my dears, even just a tiny smile will make ALL the difference.

[requiescat-aria]

Her Dying Voice | Testimony 1 | Chapter 5

Your overseer untucks the cane from under his arm, and taps it a couple of times on the wooden floor. From outside the dining room, you hear... The sound of a door opening and closing, followed by the sound of light footsteps tapping closer --

The distinct sound of coming home.

It comes to a stop seconds later, as does the figure in the doorway.

Jinghei stands there, as she always does; her hands neatly clasped together in front of her, back as straight as an arrow. Her chin is lifted as she stares. Across the room, at no one, and at nothing -- or so it starts, until the chaos is so clear her head snaps down to stare at the room as a whole with a look that’s equal parts bewildered and exasperated. There are people on the floor, one of them is a corpse, which she furrows her brow at.

“... What the hell did you do in here? Are you all really that incapable of a civilized discussion? No one is going to give anyone a second chance at anything if you keep throwing -- chairs? Were you wrestling or something?”

Time may be ticking, but even the woman forever unflappable has to spare a few seconds she doesn’t have to look around. After a moment, she sighs, with a very familiar tired energy; like an older sister scolding someone who just won’t listen. Her head shakes.

“... I guess it doesn’t matter. I won’t be seeing any of you again. Mm. I didn’t suspect a thing. How many meals have we shared together, just like that? How many conversations we had, how many memories… All of those plans for the future… You never planned on letting them come true, did you, Kousuke? Of course not. I must have seemed like such an idiot. Thinking we were friends, helping you as much as I could and getting the reward of dying the same way a second fucking time--”

The steady voice cracks. She stops to bite down on her lip, holding back the well of emotion that threatens to follow. They don’t deserve it. She can’t take back the smiles wasted, but she can deprive them of truly knowing the pain she felt from being betrayed.

Her gaze lowers, down to the corpse in the room. Jinghei sneers. Her entire body tenses, like a wild animal on the defensive.

“I don’t die quietly, Julio.. … All of that experience in murdering people and you let yourself get stabbed and scratched by a pint sized programmer? Pathetic. … I hope your death was slow. You deserve it. It’s just a shame I didn’t get to see it happen. Seems I owe someone for taking care of you, don’t I? … You already took enough from me - both of you have. I’m going to treasure this sight. And I’m going to treasure when I see you in hell.”

As she speaks, her voice dips to a hiss; venomous. Flooded with a hatred so unadulterated, one might think --

Well, they might think that he killed her or something. Her eyes narrow, with the disdain one saves for trash on the side of the road.

“We’ll rot there together. Don’t keep me waiting.”

Finally, her eyes move to Kousuke. It’d be easier to be angry. Spite and vitriol are safer than vulnerability. The hesitance is clear as day. So is the desire to snap. … But looking at her, all she can do is stare; tired, sad, and defeated.

“You could have waited, and none of this… none of it would have happened. I may not care that he died, but he didn’t - he didn’t have to. … I guess I told you to be more selfish. I didn’t think you’d take not caring about other people’s happiness over your own so seriously. … It’d be easier to hate you. I wish I did. But it’s hard to do that when I would have done the same.”

She closes her eyes for a moment.

“... Live a long life, or I really will hate you. Make some better friends, while you’re at it.”

A small smile that’s barely there forms. It never settles on Kousuke; she only opens her eyes to look at a few of the others. To Nori and Masaji in particular, her normally stoic expression is apologetic.

“... This is about enough, don’t you think. What are you all, children? I’ll never forgive a single one of you if you join me, so survive. Complain all you want, then get up and keep going. … Go home to your loved ones for those of us who can’t. Manaka, you especially… don’t keep Mana waiting. I won’t accept anything less.”

She forces her hands to loosen from their white knuckled grasp on each other. Steady voice. This is what you’re leaving them with, so make it the Jinghei you want them to remember.

“I won’t lie and say you’re all good people. … Honestly, I don’t think any of you are. A single look at this room proves that. I’m glad I missed this ASSESSMENT, if it was this much of a mess. On the other hand, it doesn’t surprise me one bit. Stuff like this is what made you all… made these days some of the most interesting in my life… If just one of you could remember that I lived, I’d be grateful. But I have… more important things to be grateful for.”

There’s nothing worse than goodbye. Jinghei’s life has been rife with the lack of chance to properly have them. And though her chest aches with enough agony to trick her that she might still be alive, she won’t waste this.

She won’t leave without saying goodbye. Her hands swing behind her to clasp there, as she looks at what remains of her messy little family. She can’t help the way her brow furrows in concern.

“... I know apologies are worthless, but I feel like I owe you both one. A few hours without me babysitting you two and look what’s happened. You can’t go picking fights with anyone and everyone. You have to take better care of yourselves since I won’t be around to nag you. I can’t have my hair going grey in the afterlife!”

Jinghei laughs. The sound is wry, and miserable, but the smile that follows as she looks at Enji and Ryuji is filled with a warmth so few of you have ever seen. In her final moments, she doesn’t fear the repercussions of showing emotion; all she fears is leaving them behind with anything but the smile they knew better than anyone.

“... I always worried that there was some part of me that made it easy for… my life to go how it did. That I was fundamentally unlovable. That it wasn’t their fault - it was - it was mine. … I never doubted that until I met you two. Thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for showing me what a family is like. Thank you for... giving me the chance to dream of that silly road trip, and those fishing trips I’d hate, and wherever we’d go once we could. That you offered to help me escape was more than I could ever ask for from anyone. It meant the world to me. That someone could know all of the terrible, messy parts of me and still think… that I was worth something.”

She pauses as her voice falters. It threatens to fail her, yet she pushes on.

“If I was ever half the older sister to Mingzhu as you two were like older brothers to me, then I’d be happy. … No matter… how short our time was. I knew that you both cared about me. So don’t worry for a second that I didn’t. I’ll tell Ken, too, how much you cared about her. I’ll tell her everything. I…”

Any other time, she would laud that she kept her voice together for so long. Right now, all the can do is fruitlessly wish the tears would stay back until she wasn’t able to cry anymore. Her lips press together, chin lowering to hide the swell of emotion-- until she remembers she doesn’t have the time to wait. Jinghei Jia is all out of time.

And she’ll see them off with a smile.

“... Th-thank you. Take care of each other. No more fights. … And take care of Mingzhu, too, won’t you?  I don’t want any of you to be alone. I just want… y-you to live long lives, that you can tell me all about when we meet again. Don’t do anything reckless. And if you e-ever think about it, just imagine I’m there you call you an idiot like you d-deserve. You’re living for my sake, too. Don’t… d-don’t waste it.”

Even if her voice breaks apart, and every instinct in her screams to look away and collect herself, Jinghei lets the tears that have been forming in her throat fall. She smiles; bright and warm and hopeful. Words have always been her strength, but just this once, she hopes they can tell what she’s thinking from the look on her face, just in case words have finally failed her.

“I love you both. Ken and I will be cheering you on.”

You blink against your will, and you hear the sound of a door closing, followed by brief silence.

The sound of an empty home has always been hollow.

[circularwastemememe-blog]

Resistance

Even I do feel relatively in peace, there are aspects of me that I truly need to re-examine. 

I ran into some obstacles. I gotta look into my soul and emotions to gain some insights.

I found my previous collaborator trolling me again, and that really annoys me. I try to find ways to make a difference to my circumstances but I feel truly frustrated as though the world is against me. 

My mom asked me to stop fighting back or announcing his wrongs in public. But I cannot go on letting others treat me as shits. This is unfair. I also hate the fact that my life is full of such type of drama to deal with. I stand alone because there seems to be no one to help me. Then I start to feel resentful. I begin to wonder who the fuck would wanna involve themselves in such world of mine - a world that is full of discrimination, fights, anger, failures, disappointments, and hard works. Then I begin to hate my body, my voice as though they are separate beings disconnected from my face. I won't say I'm going to break down but there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. How to find the problem? Go to find it in the worst matter that is highly likely to trigger you - watch Clara's new video. Gee, it sounds almost like a dark joke but I mean it. I had been filled with negative vibes towards this woman, who had been the source for a great many negative inspirations despite that it is hard to associate all this with her beautiful, flirtatiously pleasant face. 

I forced myself to be detached: If I did not have any bit of personal conversation, even just feeble connections, if she were truly a total stranger, if I did not know her life a bit, how would I feel about her video? I think I'd subscribe to her channel and leave her a positive comment full of appreciation and encouragement. And I'd share her video on Facebook posts and with some of my guy friends with my best wishes that she would get a substantial career with her lovely singing voice and her skillset on cinematography. Yes. That is me. I would be doing that as a pure good wish for a beautiful woman who gives me minutes of relief and aesthetic exaltation, which is sheerly impersonal. Even I don't know her, I wish her well. 

Then why I wouldn't since I did have some feeble interactions with her before? Because she manipulated me with her beauty and made me give her more values than she deserves in my life, all for her vanity. Because she knew what happened to me and chose not to say a thing to relieve me. She pretended to be a liberal-minded humanist but she ain't. What makes it worse? She pretended she cared but she did not. All her beliefs are just words to invite likes so simple-minded suckers like me would leave a comment saying she is beautiful inside out. She seemed sweet and gentle with positive words but she was not really a considerate person at all. All her good manners are for her self-image but the well-being of others. Because after all that, I just realize she is very selfish, narcissistic and cold. After having some idea about her, her video appears like she is winking to deliberately seduce/manipulate the audience as she abuses her sex appeal to get the recognition/attention she wants, like she is making fun of people who sincerely care about her as she celebrates her success of making many people fools for her. She is like that type of person who smiles and flirts with guys while her female friends are dying next room and she is not going to do a thing about it. Other guys told me she is trying too hard to be edgy and authentic but fail. Other guys told me that she is rich French middle-class whose stereotypical temperament is, they always do what they want and they don't give a shit, proud and selfish. Others said, why would anyone wanna show nude pictures in public without being paid to do so? This chick obviously loves herself very much. 

She has all the qualities to be a great female singer or artist. (I don't really know whether she can write any song except that she cannot really do live singing with her ukulele since all her videos are processed and edited together. Which is fine. At least she can make good effects with cinematography.) But she just does not have much of a soul to sustain all that even she seems to try very hard by changing her styles. No one bothers to tell her that because they are busy figuring out ways to get into her pants.

Then, I gotta pretend I'm not me and ask me one important question: Do you want her? 

The truth is, I don't know. It seems common senses to want her because all that she is given out there. I bet most people would say yes if they are asked, within ten minutes. I always try to hold a pure mind when it comes to beautiful ladies despite their drawbacks. I wanna mold them into that wonderful woman with my love by overlooking their faults so they will get to become that perfect companion I always want. Then why you don't know, dude? Why? Are you pretending? Yes and no. I'm afraid of the harm she's going to do to me if I don't keep my guard. I'm afraid of giving her that importance, that burdensome value in my life, that much power. And obviously, she cannot do good with all that power. If she is likely to shoot randomly with a gun, you should have enough senses not to hand her any ammunition. Ok, all this is resistance. Who would wanna be with someone who holds such strong, negative opinions towards them?

If someone holds such a negative view of me, what would I do? I will try to understand them first. At least they bother to complain. It is better than people who don't say a word. Silence is the highest form of contempt. It is never my wish to crash anyone's self-esteem. It is not a zero-sum game - you win and I lose. No one wins, in fact. Judging from that, Clara must feel a need to contempt me so she can win by all means. Also, her need to win in this case is very questionable as though there is something unspeakably weak and frail hidden beneath. 

Maybe I'm being conscientious with this question. Without building a solid bonding, whatever motivates me to want her is superficial - I wanna caress a beautiful face and go to bed with good-looking people as everyone in this world would like to. I also know how it feels to get people into liking you for your appearance. Admiration given free is valueless. Only admiration earned has everlasting values. It is also pretentious to deny your attraction to her but all that is kinda superficial. I have eyes and I'm human and I do enjoy watching fine things. Objectively, I do appreciate her in some aspects but I don't admire her after living through all this. I must say, she handled it horribly. In the end, she acted like a 12-year-old who was unable to sustain an authentic friendship and unfriended some unwanted ex-suitor on Facebook. I was surprised but not so surprised. I somehow felt sorry that she had let herself go and descended to a new low point, as though she were my teenage sister and I was with all that patience in this world to wait for her to get reformed. 

Further, judging from my experiences of going to bed with beautiful men, they are usually mediocre lays. The moment I screwed them or they screwed me, I felt bored. Looks is not everything. I tend to give woman's looks more value than man. As to men, I prefer to look at their souls. 

I guess I'm okay now. Despite the excruciating distress from this experience, I've come to accept myself a bit better, appreciate a bit more of what I have and the few true people around me. I thought she was what could make me happy but I was wrong. I worked so hard to get what I've always wanted, things and people as goals to attain, people who seemed to be able to make me happy, but all I got was more and more unhappiness in my pursuit of "happiness." Now I just wanna be around people who don't make me unhappy. People who stay around and interact with me to create true values for me. Such values will always exist even they age and change physically. That is precious enough for me.

Clara will eventually age or die someday as we all do, or change her hair and get into an un-fitting style that uglifies her, and all she had created was just a lovely image without content for me. My portraits of her would always be there as I genuinely spent years of my life creating something out there with my heart and soul. I love those works for their true emotions and raw affections even they could be fruits of erotomania. Reluctant as I was, with my fate, I had created true values out there, despite being unseen by this world. Which is fine. Because I believe in me, myself and my art. May the world rot and perish, they will be there as always.

I'm sorry to have been so harsh on her. She is just a girl who wanna celebrate the few things she has had online so she can like herself a bit better. I place her under my microscope for scrutiny because I was also a girl who looked for importance online. I thought she was higher and it broke my heart to see my "idol" act like some commonplace person as it angered me that she had fooled me so well. Gee, I still sound so negative. I think I should make an effort to grow up and forgive her as she is just a lost girl who plays goddess, like my 5-year-old niece who gets delighted when we call her Snow White and treat her like a princess even she is not. (Hopefully, she will grow up and mature in time and be alright with herself, even without someone who treats her like a princess.)

I think I'm alright now.

[meduelesluegoexisto]

We Came Out Like Tigers LYRICS

An Introduction

“The man who is shut up in prison is so far from being bettered by the change, that he comes out more resolutely the foe of society than he was when he went in. Subjugation, on disgraceful terms, to humiliating work gives him antipathy to all kinds of labour. After suffering every sort of humiliation at the instance of those whose lives are lived in immunity from the peculiar conditions which bring man to crime... he learns to hate the section of society to which his humiliation belongs, and proves his hatred by new offences against it.”

Exerpt from In Russian and French Prisons, by Peter Kropotkin, 1887.

Sous Les Pavés La Plage

All these dreams of survival, of romance and little care, agelessness and lack of worry are slipping through my hands. They are chased and quickly and effortlessly overpowered by the horror of rotting in jails and jobs. These thoughts of friends love and summer have withdrawn that bit too far in your mind, you can't quite see it any more, only worsened by the occasional wisp of smell and sound and warmth, or buoyed along on the back of songs, or just before you awake. You could love her if you could remember who she was. She would be beautiful if you could just recall her face. Yet here you are slumped and sullen, angry and diminished. The abyss is taking you apart. Here you are slumped and sullen, angry and diminished. I don't want you to see me this angry, the abyss has taken me apart. And what am I supposed to do, what is left to feed the soul when you learn how dark men's minds, how consistently cruel his hands?

Remember Why You Are

I see your hands so full of cash, one thing I swear I'll never have, gleeful in all they covert. Yet our hardened hands, so resolute, are filled only with the hands of others. And as you grasp at the grains of youth, all Grey and Faust reminiscent, we have embraced mortality thus, escaping a desperate prison. These things we do aren't working, they feed your cancers. It's the chemicals that wash your thoughts, every time you drink to hurt them. It's the poisons in your chest, it's your lack of time with him. These things you do aren't working. It's hard and we are poor but we are young and we are good, and if you feel you're on your own, it's not because you're wrong, just few have the courage, to see this 'til its done, we are no longer satisfied by fun, we are harder now... We are no longer satisfied by fun, our eyes are keen and stern for all that's good, we are harder now for what's been done. I wish it could be night all the time, it's so romantic when the sun doesn't shine, and I don't feel guilty or lazy for being poor, and I want to pursue meaning more. But they say life is darkest just before the sun, and so thank god the morning comes. Is it right to sell your time 'til it's gone? Is all this more valuable than a song? Play on brothers, play on.

These Terrors Are Dismantled By Friendship's Light

I always fear for you in winter, do you travel? Do the roads treat you kind? Does the darkness play hell with your mind? I know it does mine. So keep up your poems and songs, this is where your madness belongs, out in the open, for how else can we hope to confront it? How will we dismantle these night terrors? Does the darkness play hell with your mind? How will we dismantle these night terrors? See how they are weakened by friendships light. So lets clasp hands and together promise not to be afraid. Truth always was the nemesis of adventure anyway. So lets catch these tears this precious anger, lets rail at governments and churches. There is nothing you can take, nothing from which profit is made! If you never have dreams, then you have nothing to hope to achieve, when the axe came into the forest the trees all said at least the handle is one of us. If we perish we perish together, victors are those unparted forever. Nothing will end this great union, worry not this is only bad weather. So keep up your poems and songs, this is where your madness belongs, so keep up your poems and songs, this is where you belong.

Inimical

This resevoir is heavy and volotile, desperate to relax it's banks and holdings. Giddy to collapse out eyes and tumble down face. Without this I am a speck of dust, without this I'm not brave, I am just genderless thoughts. And one by one the years roll on, the boundaries blur, no growth no decline. I am just genderless thoughts; I am just genderless thoughts Every spring is a reminder that you forgot what it is to be happy, every autumn you embark upon new mourning for the death of ease. The passing of your relaxed self, you concede smiles and lumber on brows furrowed. When you are the mallice behind the dark theres nothing left to be afraid of. Cynicism fades as the ligh fails, just once don't promise us hope.

Immutable

My face is numb now, the room is quiet. I watch dust hazily zig zag to the floor, only to be gusted upwards by the movement of a foot or a hand. Everything you fought for is gone. Everything you knew was important was ignored. You fought tooth and nail, sword and pen, good lord, not the schools, please, leave the forests, for fucks sake, not the hospitals. But no one rallied to you, no one took up the flag, too much stress, too little interest. The people were not united, and your government was viciously divisive. And the worst of it? That now the world looks different. It smells odd. The colours distort in front of your eyes and you snivel a laugh. You are a fool. You thought the world was filled with love and good intentions and it was not.

Take Pleasure In The Processes

I struggle with my own selfishness. My arrogant impulse to prioritise my loved ones over yours. I am grief stricken at the idea that I will die, when I should be glad I was ever given the chance. I struggle with peoples expectations of me. I do not want to fit the mould of a man but I am forced into that shape and people are quickly angry at me when I do not take on the form. Given the freedom I would out grow it and flourish, as much a sister as a brother, as much a wife as a husband and neither besides, I would not invite gods or statesmen into my bed...

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, maybe that forest won't get cut to the ground. I am sick of singing about cancer, but his body keeps fucking up, and I'm sick of fighting governments but they keep fucking us. I revile at your abhorrent religions, too long have you exploited our weaknesses. Too long have you censored the books, have you silenced science, condemned the curious. My heart aches for those that cannot find beauty in the blades of grass, in flustered clouds, in lovers breath, that they must invent gods and monsters. My heart breaks at the actions it inspires. Too long have we been respectful, too long have we allowed you to exist.

If You Were Frightened, It's Because It Was Frightening

Apathy is such an evil trait, to sacrifce others for comfort is not an accusation I could take. Do not let the plight of others be so trivial so as to forgo empathy and do nothing. I wonder if Voltaire would have been so quick in making his witty quip if he'd seen the gates of Aushwitz? When your government comes to burn the books, will you wish you'd read them first? Brace for a lifetime of discontent, Orwellian nightmares that never end. You will mourn the sincerity that greed undid. That moment, you beat us, was exactly where you lost. We took on, that hatred, and still came back as one. Don't be alone, don't dare be alone, rise together, be exhalted, take comfort in a godless eixistence. Stay upright stay strong.

I Sing Of Sorrow & Joy

Phonelines again. Tests again, scans again. We count up the odds, calculate survival rates and allocate ourselves as resources. We are brave and we are strong, we will beat this, we shout don't get mad get even! Fuck having cancer! FUCK HAVING CANCER! We are sad and we panic, we complain that it is not fair, we have dealt with all the horrors we were given, we have proved ourselves why us, why again? We sob it out, tears bounce of handsets and stop at tabletops and laps. We pace as we wait for information, we frighten ourselves reading, we try to find comfort in his good health, his young age, his strong mind. He is scared that he is alone but he is not. We implore him to test our mettle, to challenge our resolve. We will beat this together, we five strong minds!

Breathe In, Though You Barely Believe In It

What do you say to yourself when you are totally aware that you have no value? cradle on top here with nothing but horizon if the world were to end now I would be the last to know.

You are of that splendid magnificence that there is nothing most deserved of you and if there is it certainly isn’t me. Should you choose to stay my hand and forbid my flight know that this “I love you” will never have a past tense… you are glowing under this winter sun.

I ask that I might stay a while.

Tribulation

Death, 'tis a melancholy day To those who have no God, When the poor soul is forced away To seek her last abode.

In vain to heav'n she lifts her eyes, For guilt a heavy chain, Still drags her downward from the skies To darkness, fire and pain.

To Ruin A Fine Tenor Voice

It gets worse. We woke up one day and all we do is work. We all talk about how we hate this place but are we so naïve as to think things could be better? The grass is no longer green because we poisoned it all. There's no distance great enough to separate yourself from your inadequacies, You can never run fast enough to escape their line of sight. You have all the look of a skull but with none of the grinning charm, Lank hair, sharp ribs, stop what you are doing and sleep. Minds are lost, smiles are lost, confidence is lost, You are dishonest and lost, shuttered and struggling.

Concrete Blocks of Empathy

I hope the final blow of your hands against my teeth cause lacerations of sufficient irritation that I can splutter one last laugh. The only reason I don't turn tail and run, is because Spite will crash me against your shorelines, keep me ragged and close, Keep me ragged and close. The actions of the outer regions of love and hatred manifest themselves in remarkably similar ways. Where is the ceiling of your tolerance set? What level of cruelty are you prepared to accept? Did you mean what you said? Did you mean what you said? Your pacifism undermines the sincere devotion of love. I am here for revenge.

Careworn

I hesitate to commit this to words, for as they rise through my mouth they take root in my brain, and ever more real will ever remain. Ever since the hospital, the opiates and the ketamine, we're harder now in everything. Oh misery, accept we five. Death's false start, his failure our triumph, has left us ever waiting his certain early return. Ever tense for adjudicators whistle that will bring us to the ring again, casts a shadow over every day, that won't be lifted until he's taken away. Uncertainty once relieved, will be replaced with all the the relief a coffin can give, And not a thing can be done about it, and so are our lives; Unchanging.

We Have Not Reached Conclusion

I refuse for this to be conclusion, As I shrink inwards. As things ever worsen, as things ever worsen, Life will be my next defiance. Be it in jails or this rented house, Sooner a dour path than an ignorant one. I would exchange any semblance of youth for stronger hands, tougher fists. I will trade what charm I have for firmer resolve. Even when so much anger has coursed through these veins I do not doubt that they will be fit to pump joy. I need only knowledge enough to spell out freedom, I need only enough life blood to see out the struggle. I refuse for this to be conclusion. And a restless summers end wind reminds me of how handsome we will be in the frost, I will walk this frozen path of hatred until I reach the thaw.