#no long winded comment today champs. at least not yet

[kkoct-ik]

desperately trying to reconnect with my 3L roots. the silly guys :)

bonus because my sketch was so cute

[constantconfusion111]

Etched into your skin - Chapter 3

Here’s the 3rd chapter! Thanks everyone for the comments/likes/Kudos, you’re the best!!!

Link to AO3

Link to Ch1 ; Link to Ch2

---------------

Type was an expert at denial. He wore it like a second skin.

As he moved his boxes in the condo he’ll share with Techno, no one could have imagined his brain was torturing him. He almost met Tharn.

The first thing he’ll do as soon as class started was to find out in which university his soulmate was exactly as to stay the fuck away from it forever. Maybe he should consider changing university. His parents would definitely not be on board with that. It took him almost 3 weeks to convince his father to let him ditch the dorms.

Frankly, his dad didn’t want him in a condo for his first year, but Type had little choice in the matter. He simply couldn’t be in the same room with Tharn. The man would find out. Maybe not the first week, maybe not even the first month if he lied about his name. But he would eventually. And Type refused to deal with the potential fallout. So he had to use an argument he wasn’t proud of.

‘Dad, I’m not feeling safe in a room with another random guy.’

He had felt guilty and uncomfortable using that against his dad. But the result was instant, and the following week he was already signing the lease of his new condo.

“Type! Here’s your last one,” called Techno, sliding a cardboard box on the floor.

All was fine, he could handle this.

----------

Maybe Tharn had been overeager.

When he had red the letter, he’d stared at it unblinkingly for what felt like an eternity. His mother, worried, had read over his shoulder. Before he knew it, his face got crushed in a suffocating hug as she was part laughing part crying for him.

His dad had soon barged into the kitchen, concerned about the noise.

The rest of the evening had been very loud as his parents swinged between congratulations and hugs. And then he had to explain everything for a third time when Thorn came back home later in the evening.

Saying he was excited was the understatement of his life. So as soon as the first day of moving into the dorm rolled around, Tharn brought all his boxes and started to put his things away.

He wanted to be there to welcome Type in what would be their first home together. Tharn wanted to smile at him, see in his eyes a reflexion of his thoughts. Would he be nervous? Giddy? Composed?

Type would already know who he was.

Were they supposed to hug? Was that too forward? But at the same time, he couldn’t just… not. That would be too strange. Maybe they could go out and eat together to chat, starting to get to know each other. Maybe they wouldn’t be able to bring themselves to leave the room.

Tharn had so many questions for him. But probably the first one would be why hadn’t Type registered himself? If his soulmate was in Uni, he had to at least be his own age. Was Type one of these people that wanted the meeting to be organic? Was Type a romantic?

His heart was beating too fast, he was feeling light headed.

Tharn was going to be fine, he just had to handle himself until Type arrived. That’s what he had to keep repeating at least.

Tharn looked up at the dorm’s door with each item he was putting away.

After emptying his first box, he only raised his head whenever he heard movement in the hall.

After the third box, he stopped altogether, massaging his neck slowly.

As the night rolled around, he had to accept today wasn’t the day. Maybe he really had been too eager. They still had quite some time until the start of the semester.

However, on the first day of class, as he woke up yet again facing an empty bed, Tharn’s enthusiasm vanished like smoke in the wind.

Type must have known, he must have received the same letter as him, clearly stating who his roommate would be. Suddenly, Type not being registered sounded less like romance and more like avoidance.

But why? Why would Type not want to meet? Even if he didn’t want a romantic relationship, which did happen sometimes, why not meet with him and tell him?

What if something bad had happened?

As soon as his first day of classes ended, Tharn excused himself from the group of freshmen that wanted to go out for celebratory drinks, claiming he had some administrative issues. Lhong had thrown him a look, but didn’t stop him.

Technically, Tharn wasn’t lying. It just wasn’t his own administrative problem. He approached a woman reading behind her desk.

“Hello, I’m sorry to bother, but I think there��s a problem with my roommate.”

She looked at him with the sort of weariness born out of dealing with stupid requests from days on end.

“Unless the issue is actually very serious, there’s nothing I can do to help. All the rooms are jam packed, so we can’t transfer the freshmen left and right.”

“Ah, no that’s not why I’m here. I’m worried for my roommate, he never moved him. Since classes started already, I was wondering if everything was alright. His name is Type Thiwat Phawattakun.”

She hummed, turning toward her computer and checking some files. It took a couple of minutes of silent scrolling before she turned toward him again.

“He cancelled his spot in the dorms. Very last minute actually. Freshmen are more and more irresponsible each year…”

Tharn felt a pang in his heart at the news. Type has cancelled. He’d backed out of their meeting.

“Where is he now? Did he drop out of University?”

“I don’t think so, it does happen that freshmen give up the dorm for their own private accommodations. It’s more expensive, but also more comfortable.”

So Type was definitely avoiding him.

“Could you tell me which University he’s enrolled in please?”

At that, the woman looked at him with narrowed eyes.

“These are private information that I cannot share with just anyone, sorry Nong. You should just enjoy your big room for yourself, you’re the only one lucky enough for that.”

Tharn felt anything but lucky.

-------------

Turns out, finding one guy within an entire University complex could be quite the challenge. The first thing people said when he asked if they knew Tharn was:

“Tharn? From which Uni?”

So far, he’d only managed to confirm Tharn wasn’t enrolled into the faculty of sports. Only a million more people to ask.

Despite the stress of having to look over his shoulder all the time and making a point of asking people their names before they could even think of asking his first -which had already put him in hot waters with some seniors- University life wasn’t half bad.

Living with Techno was fun. In the evenings they played games together and chilled. Sometimes Techno invited some of their classmates to hang out and drink. They had met some very cool people, particularly a guy called Champ who seemed to know all the best restaurants around. Friday or Saturday nights, they even managed to motivate each other enough to actually go to a proper bar.

Classes are as easy as they ever were and as long as Type listened to the lecture, he barely had any efforts to put into his homeworks. Still drove Techno up the wall in frustration. The coach liked him, even though he always said that Type had to keep his temper in check or he’ll be benched. Type knows he’s good enough to not have to worry too much about the threat. Again, that drove Techno completely crazy since he’d already started his recruitment campaign to convince everyone to elect him as team captain. For his senior year. What was wrong with that boy, Type wasn’t too sure sometimes. In any case, sucking up to the coaches was part of his strategy. Techno did try to deny that last point, but there was an overwhelming amount of evidence against him. For instance, the way he almost tripped on his own feet to play delivery boy.

“Bring this to the music faculty office, it’s the selection of songs we want them to play during the matches.”

“No problem coach! I’ll go right away.”

His bunch of papers under the arm, Techno came back to his group of friends.

“Guys! Come with me, we need to deliver some papers.”

“This is in no way a ‘we’ situation No,” said Champ, stretching out his legs.

“Sorry, we’re kind of in the middle of our stretches,” tried Team, offering a small smile to the other boy.

“Type is on his phone! He’s not even pretending to stretch!”

They all turned to the accused who was indeed lounging on his side, scrolling lazily.

“Type does whatever he wants…”

That was true and it made him very happy to know they already realised it after only a couple of short weeks.

“Tyyyyyype.”

“I would rather die than come with you No,” came the deadpan answer.

“You could at least look up from your phone!”

His plea went unanswered. Knowing better than to annoy the young man to the point of aggression, Techno cursed them all and started his solo adventure.

Techno had to actually ask his way a couple of times as the music and sports department weren’t close at all. He even had to take a Uni shuttle, receiving plenty of curious looks since he hadn’t taken the time to change out of his sports outfit.

Despite being quite a trek away from their faculty, the music building looked pretty similar to their own. Maybe there were more windows. Was light important for musicians? Did they share with the art department?

His adventure wasn’t over quite yet though, the entrance office wouldn’t take the papers, complaining about messing the systems up and Techno got redirected once again.

“So… third floor, and then at the back of the building…”

Every single room, every corridor looked the same and nothing appeared as being the back of anything.

“Shit!”

“Hey, are you alright?”

Techno turned around, coming face to face with-

“Handsome boy!”

The man raised both eyebrows in surprise, readjusting the straps of his bag on his shoulders.

“What?”

“You’re so pretty, are you an angel sent from the sky to help me?”

The man was adorable with a very cute face and pouty lips, a single long earring catching the light on the side of his face and despite his clear confusion, he still offered Techno a large smile.

“I can definitely try.”

“I need to find the faculty office of the music department. It’s about music for our matches,” he explained, flapping around the brown envelope he’d brought all the way there.

“Ah I see, I’ll walk you there. You’re very close, but it can be tricky to find the room.”

“Lhong, is everything fine?”

Techno turned toward the man that seemed to have called his saviour.

“Damn! Is it a requirement to be handsome to get into the faculty of music?”

If Lhong was cute, the newcomer was definitely handsome, and that despite the dark circles under his eyes.

“All good, I’ll just show this guy the way to the office. Save me a spot in the canteen?”

The man nodded and left without further ado.

“Let’s go!”

“Thanks man, I’m Techno by the way. I’m in the faculty of sports.”

Lhong laughed, checking him out from head to toe.

“Yeah I could have guessed that. I’m Lhong. Isn’t the faculty of sports super far away from here?”

Techno groaned loudly.

“So far away! I had to take the Uni shuttle to come!”

“Sounds like a pain, you should stay to eat with us so you wouldn’t have travelled all the way for nothing.”

After one last corridor turn, they finally arrived in front of the teachers’ office. Techno would never have found it, even the door tag was scratched out and faded.

“I wish, I lost too much time already, I’ll have to hurry back and pray my friends didn’t ditch me. But give me your Line ID! I’ll send you a message and we can go grab a drink, I’ll treat you as a thank you.”

“Ah, that’s not necessary, it was nothing.”

Techno shushed him, already fishing out his phone and pushing it in Lhong’s hands.

“Nonsense! It’s gonna be fun. I’ll bring my friends, bring the hot one you were with before. I’m sure music students know the best bars.”

Lhong shared his number and after a last goodbye, they parted in front of the office.

Maybe his adventure hadn’t all been in vain.

[mysamcedesmadness]

Steerio Hearts Stuff & Stuff

White Devils and the Demons They Serve (Chs 15-17)

I was gonna do two seperate posts, but you two are the ones who do most of the reading and y’all actually read EVERYTHING, so I figured, even if it’s as long as a chapter, y’all would’ve read it anyways.

@sweetiedee85

Stevie can’t even sniff his fingers with Bukowski breathing down his neck. What is Bukowski up to with Cheerio? 

I. Am. Still. Crine. Over this comment. That is all. (Because, you just found out in Ch 17 what Bukowski was up to.

But I guess it’s the devil you know versus the devil you don’t.

Even though this is regarding Tesla, this is actually a fantastic summary of most of the characters in this story, hell - in the series. People often accept what their life seems to be instead of fighting for what it can be. That DEFINITELY happens in the context of having a mental illness, because everyday life can be overwhelming enough, so taking extra risks and chances are sometimes astronomical.

What’s sad is they would rather do that than come see their child. Time is more value, and we see they don’t care enough to spend any with her.

The Robinsons are the worst. I just have no other feedback of them for right now. Radja more than Champ - but they are a team and that team should’ve included their daughter and never does. In fact, I have a little arc that involves Radja coming up shortly and yes, she’s just the worst in it. 

But then those dang nightmares and training haunting the poor guy. I know it’s something he struggles with even after their married. He has triggers, and they usually lead to him growing and learning something different about himself and the way he views things. It seems that this is only the beginning of that journey.

Stevie sometimes suffers from psychosis, so he’s forgotten a lot of things that he’s been exposed to, because his brain was just unable or unwilling to process the trauma - much like his breakdown after Mary died. This is why later he still has repressed memories punching him in the gut and why it’s important to him to be a realist. He seems like an asshole a lot, for “Just being realistic,” but he knows himself (particularly after he’s out) and he just wants to make sure he’s trying to assess things normally and naturally, so that he doesn’t unintentionally wind up in a state of psychosis... Now, WE know that sometimes, it’s going to happen, anyway. But, these glimpses into his episodes are here for me to try to explain why Stevie is such an “asshole,” OUTSIDE of his racism. That’s a completely different issue which I’d never justify. Lol.

I do wonder if Tesla wants this footage. I doubt Bukowski has any good in him so is it his self need to have every part of Tesla in his grasp, under his control? Will she be somehow grateful he’s gotten this back? Idk but just the thought makes me sicker.

Tesla does NOT want this footage, wants no part of this footage, was alarmed by Bukowski and Stevie even MENTIONING this footage, and has absolutely no need for this footage. This is primarily about Bukowski’s control, and also his fetish. He enjoys watching. He enjoys knowing things. It makes him feel powerful to know things and to be able to see things. She MAY be grateful that he’s gotten it, but honestly, she’s still suffering from the damage of the event. She knows that it has already been done, and whether or not there is footage, she’s already suffered and has to live with it. Be sick, be very sick. It’s meant to be deeply sickening.

Anyway, Stevie is out of control lol threatening Derek was un called for. We know at this point she’s the one exception to that word, and that’s recent so I wasn’t surprised when he said it. I thought Cheerio would at least consider turning down Stevie’s offer but nope lol She just as toxic in love as him, and she sees beyond his training. I doubt I could have it in me.

Stevie is often impulsive in his decisions, but sometimes, they’re premeditated. Sometimes, he thinks things out, knows that his decision isn’t great and does it anyway. He gets so much better about this as he ages, but Teenage Stevie is deeply territorial and no matter what he says, he feels like he owns Cheerio.

And, no ma’am. I can’t relate to her, in that regard. A chick called me “Kunta Kinte” in 2007. I tried to beat her with a beer bottle in her own trailer, had to get dragged out of there and brought home and I still will call her a bitch, if I see her today.

  Angelwings

Ok... Who is Bukowski even using to make Tesla (Ally) jealous? I mean agh.

This had me cracking up SO HARD. You would be surprised the kinda pink dick pandering out there on the innanets. Whenever I had a successful porn blog, right here on Tumblr, I seen some shit. And there are folk less attractive and less charming that can somehow manage to get little sex games going with people, especially if they’re in a fetish niche (which gingers are).

ok so Tesla told her to have sex in the shower? If she's in the bathroom they accept verbal... side eyeing and looking all squinted eyed trying to imagine how they WON'T get caught.

This is because the orderlies won’t generally just burst into the bathroom while a resident is in the shower if the resident seems fine and is willing to peek out and show their face. They’ll only barge in if the resident seems off (trying to pretend that they’re fine) or is not responsive. They want to value their privacy to a certain extent, but not to leave them vulnerable, if they somehow got hold of a weapon or something.

It just goes back to what Stevie says to Sam. He has to constantly battle with his thoughts. At least he does that.

I touched on this a little bit with Dee. Stevie HAS to do this, to make sure that he keeps himself grounded. His triggers are so dynamic that they literally take control of his mind, for a time. He wants to not have to experience that, and he never wants to hurt the people he loves because of some type of break.

Hmm so Dani is trying to work at a library. That's kind of perfect. Hope she gets it and keeps up her therapy and stuff. It always makes me upset to see any hospital release patients before they are ready. I really hope Dani can transition back into society.

Oh, no - she’s not trying to work at the library. The library is one of the few places that poor people can have access to the Internet and by this time, even though the story is set for several years ago - a lot of the jobs and such are available to apply online. Dani would most likely apply online, because she knows that she might appear to not be normal when going in to get applications and people might “fire before you hire” her upon seeing that she’s not very normal. Sorry, I didn’t explain that. I know that the Texas Workforce Commission has access, but I didn’t feel like researching how unemployment works in Ohio, so I just went the library application route. Dani’s story isn’t over yet, so you’ll definitely find out how life went for her.

They function as a community, one for all and all for their cause. People can do anything when they work together even create monsters and killers.

People who lead abusive lifestyles often see their behavior as normal. Hence arguments TO THIS DAY of “My mom beat me and I turned out fine” or “People are this way because they don’t get beat enough.” Contrary to the cases upon cases of research and information that hitting children only causes trauma. Now, generally - children of abuse do NOT turn out to be killers and horrible criminals. Some go on to be kind humans and productive members of society... But even those generally have to address the trauma that was caused by their toxic environments.

Inevitably we know the fate of the hospital but in the other stories we never hear of the other characters. I hope they get the help they need wherever they go.

I have stories plotted out for most of the ones that we know. It’s gonna be a moment to get to some of them, but I’ll try not to drop the ball, completely.

Stevie was angry with Bukowski for hurting his Bust it Baby- learning so much. I had to look that up. That is Cheri by every definition if not now then later. She is well on her way. That exchange was cute the way Cheri acted. 

Bust It Baby Pt 2 was ONE OF MY FAVES in the club. (Telling my age, now. LOL) But, THEY would have been teens/kids around that time, so I didn’t feel bad referencing that mug. Bwahahaha. Cheri DEFINITELY becomes all of that for Stevie. But, yeah - she was a little bashful about it being said in a group setting.

Even Tanisha had to tell him about himself with Stevie. It's like Stevie was punished for all the children, well Mary got to Stacey but Sam was golden. Some couples should not procreate. 

I think it took a while for Dwight to comprehend that just because Stacie and Sam ‘turned out okay,’ that didn’t MEAN that he had been blameless in helping to shape Stevie the way that he did. He never saw himself as having anything against Stevie, because he loved him as much as he did the others (or so he thought - he just wasn’t CLOSE to him). And Mama T was able to see that Dwight’s not being close to Stevie affected how he handled him, whether or not he did love him - which she believed and trusted that he did, but she needed him to get that STEVIE needed to believe and trust it.

This Entire Review: I Have a Lot of Responses, Love

Bukowski is blinded by crazy. Any half decent individual would see red flags. DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! What an idiot. Poetic justice would be if Tesla killed his awhen he drugged and kidnapped her or whatever his chosen crazy decides to do. I just don't see him living after he knocked on that door.

Unfortunately, Bukowski’s time is not yet up. But, he has definitely poked a bear by reaching out to Max. Stevie making deals in an institution with a demon eww. Stevie has his number already, is he blinded by the vajayjay?

Stevie is blinded by both the caviar and his inability to access, the way that he would like to. He’s a teenage boy trying to squeeze quickies in all day in between heavily monitored times. That argument between Stevie and Cheri was like imagining popcorn pop. You know the explosion is coming. When it does your like damned that's some Good popcorn! I kept saying Oh, and scrunching up my face like Stevie's next words are gonna get him smacked and then he did it. He said the ultimate, ONE word that is complete Taboo in anger no less. *SMACK* ! Round two lol!

Stevie often feels attacked when nobody is attacking him. I blame Dwight for this, because Stevie spent most of his life feeling like he had to explain and defend himself, to the point where his mentality is paranoid and he thinks that he has to fight whenever a conflict or challenge arises. Cheri is not a violent person, but whenever she gets angry (Teenage Cheerio) will lash out, because she’s in a position where she can’t just go to the spa or have a smoothie. She’s relaxed more later because she has the freedom to simply escape for a moment. Here, she’s a caged bird. Cheri is hella patient with him and I get it. I have had to explain blackness to other races, as if EVERY race and EVERY culture and EVERY class does not have their own innuendoes and humor. Even his Arian idiot family. Like the lady at work told my coworker with at straight face 'Don't all y'all like fried chicken? I said what did you do? My coworker said I took a deep breath and saidNo! And what you just said is considered racist. Of course she asked how? My coworker said she just walked away. I probably would have a. been patient and broke it down, or b. said ungh hungh just like all y'all like caviar and filet minion. Just would depend on my mood but Cheri is time enough for Stevie. Most of how she handles Stevie I agree with.

I don’t. It’s not my job to bear the burden of educating people who (if they gave a fuck) could access resources to educate themselves. I made those mistakes when I was younger, and that shit was nothing but additional emotional labor added to the constant processes I had to go through, throughout the day in my black ass skin. I watch racists getting beat up for being trash on YouTube all the time. That’s handling that I agree with.Lol. Now there is no way in hell any man would not take Derek's behavior as a challenge or threat. I felt like he was trying to purposely show Stevie he could reach Cheri in a way Stevie could not and do things with Cheri that Stevie could not just to put it in Stevie's face then try and hide behind a smile and laughter like he didn't have an agenda. Even if he doesn't like her like that he KNEW Cheri was with Stevie. He should have acted accordingly. I think Derek was trying to be sneaky. Yes Stevie is a jelly monster and he is territorial and possessive but that is Stevie. Like Mason calling Cheri Ri Ri then correcting himself in front of Stevie. Mason is not deliberately trying to poke the bear. He calms all that down in front of Stevie and Stevie eventually learns that Cheri has to have other friends. I don't think that was Derek's mind set, befriend Cheri and Stevie. He just liked having the attention sounds like from everyone, in a mental hospital. Stevie is not stupid. Cheri is a little Naïve I think, especially when she meets Max. To me she made a couple mistakes with that. Trust no one. Describe new people in addition to looking up tags. 

This is highly problematic, in my opinion, for many reasons, all of which - I’ll respectfully address. Firstly, any man or person in general that takes the friendship of someone else with their partner as a threat is toxic, and possibly abusive. Control and possessiveness are not key points of love. They are key points of obsession and obsession is almost always dangerous when it involves people as the object.

I don’t think that I wrote anything to indicate that Derek was in any way trying to challenge or compete with Stevie, so that feeling seems to be some internalized antiblackness or at the very least, sympathy for the devil - in this case, that’d be Stevie. Because HE was wrong and he reacted. There is nothing wrong with a black kid getting attention from people or trying to impress or please people, so I’m not sure why that would be considered poking the bear or purposefully trying to upset Stevie. 

They are ALL in the mental hospital, and while Stevie definitely isn’t STUPID, he certainly is psychotic. He’s not always right. Even his instincts are frequently off, at this juncture of his life and it isn’t the responsibility of a black boy, who is here for his own mental health to coddle Stevie and think about all the ways that he may or may not be offending him by being generally friendly to everyone around him, which is literally all Derek does in this chapter. I only wrote him making jokes and being jovial, up until the point that Stevie threatened him, out of paranoia, after being told multiple times that he shouldn’t bother with it.

And Cheerio is definitely naive, but that also doesn’t mean that she should have had all the answers as to why not to suspect everybody that she met. She did her part to try to keep herself safe, and of course, Max would have had avenues set up as to not tip her off. He’s been trained to deceive. Saying that she made some mistakes sounds a little bit victim blaming to me, especially considering that she followed the rules that were given to her, and whenever she was abducted, she was run off of the road and taken. She hadn’t met up with him in the woods, or something. 

She was extremely paranoid (affecting her mental state and her peace of mind), because of everything that they had told her and she had no way of knowing that someone who’s information came back clean was someone else. I feel like this must be stated - Max doesn’t just LOOK like Max Giardi when he greets her. He’s not going up to her looking like somebody that she could Google and she’s just put her thumb in her butt and calls it a coincidence. He’s tactical. He purposefully entered her world. He wouldn’t do it in a way that any normal person would notice that anything off, much less someone that he would presume has been told to look out for him.

Bonus Face Claim:

Ashlee Brian as Derek (Originally a dance crew member in “The End of Twerking” episode.

[daleisgreat]

Scott Hall: Living on a Razor’s Edge

After pondering over ideas and looking over my notes the last couple of days, I concluded I had no idea how to go about my entry for today’s blog that is for WWE’s 2016 BluRay release of Scott Hall: Living on a Razor’s Edge (trailer). I am presuming most people reading this probably are well aware of some of Scott Hall’s personal struggles throughout the years. WWE’s documentary on his life and career attempts to cover it all within 81 minutes. If you have not seen it yet, nor have that time to spare then before reading on I encourage you to at least check out ESPN’s much more condensed 18 minute mini-doc they did of Hall on a 2011 edition of E:60. That E:60 piece was where Hall first publicly revealed he inadvertently shot and killed a man during his job as a bouncer when he attempted to grab a gun away from a person who pulled a gun on him. Living on a Razor’s Edge opens with Hall revisiting the scene where it happened and him getting instantly emotional over the memories. Hall’s mother and brother are interviewed throughout and both mentioned how that day forever changed him. It is the first of many dark tales from Hall’s personal life that he reflects on.

From that hook of an opening scene the feature then transitions to Hall’s childhood where he reminisces growing up as a military kid and always being on the move. Hall recalls idolizing Dusty Rhodes in the Florida territory is what convinced him to go into wrestling. I saw Hall interviewed in a few other nWo and Kliq retrospectives released by WWE over the years, but in those I believe he never touches on his early days in the business debuting in the Kansas territory as part of the American Starship tag team and to more success as a tag team champ with Curt Henning in the AWA. Seeing that vintage footage accompanied with Hall elucidating about how Dusty got him his first pair of wrestling boots and how he refused to be AWA champ because he realized the promotion was a sinking ship he wanted to abandon were fun new anecdotes from Hall I never heard before. Seeing Hall talk about his meager success as the Diamond Studd in WCW was another interesting early facet of his career. DDP, Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon were all interviewed here about their early memories of Hall and provide extra quotes on why this made Hall more determined to land a job in WWE. Hearing Hall and Vince remember the days of coming up with the Razor Ramon character and brainstorming the ideas of the iconic vignettes introducing Razor to the WWE in 1992 are more noteworthy highlights from the interviews here.

Hall goes into detail of his early WWE years with some key angles such as the first televised WWE ladder match at Wrestlemania 10 and when 1-2-3 Kid got the shocking upset in ’93 that is still an iconic memory of RAW all these years later (it even made WWE’s official list of Top 25 RAW Moments for RAW’s 25th anniversary earlier this year). One early highlight from the Razor run was when Hall discusses appearing on Jerry Springer for a surprise visit to children with AIDS where Hall spontaneously gives his Intercontinental Title to the kids because it felt like the right thing to do and hearing Hall and Springer interviewed here remember that moment along with the footage is pretty powerful stuff. From here the doc then jumps to the controversial time when Hall and Nash left WWE in 1996. Both of them and McMahon break down how it all came to pass, and hearing them all give their side of the story is still fascinating to this day. I say that because I still recall being a huge WWF kid at that time and getting crushed upon hearing both guys were leaving the company to go to the ‘competition.’ Yes, Hall makes sure to address the introduction of the fake Razor and Diesel later on in 1996 too. A part of me wishes WWE would have done a separate deep dive on Hall’s four year run as Razor Ramon. There were so many memorable feuds they did not address in the doc. I would have loved to hear Hall recall feuding with Jeff Jarrett, Diesel and Goldust for the Intercontinental title. Also from watching the bonus matches it brought back memories of how Hall was a master of ring psychology and he perfected the gradual build of a match where there were several times where fans were quiet at the beginning to becoming a hot crowd by the match’s final moments. HBK and Nash both have some interesting quotes about Hall’s wrestling IQ and how they helped him during those old early-to-mid90s years.

WWE has already done a couple nWo biographies so I was curious to how they would cover his career in WCW on Hall’s solo documentary. I like how they went about it as they had Nash, Hall and Waltman all interviewed and they give the abbreviated version of their nWo heydays reigning supreme over the Monday night rating wars. Hall touches on a couple of things he introduced to his solo-act in WCW such as the pre-match ‘survey’ and how Rocky II was the impetus for ‘Hey, Yo.’ Hall and Eric Bishoff both recount the art-imitates-life storyline where WCW brought Hall’s behind-the-scenes drinking problems as a on-screen WCW storyline and hearing Bishoff regret that booking decision is another poignant scene in this feature. Hall essentially admits to those dark days carrying over to his return to the WWE in 2002 and why it did not last that long. There is no mention of Hall’s handful of brief TNA/Impact stints, which is probably for the best. Growing up as a wrestling fan and keeping up with Hall’s struggles over the years made the final chapters of the doc especially powerful. There is a montage of the many arrests and controversies that Hall made news in from 2002-2012. Nash has some key details of Hall at his lowest moments and how he stuck by his side that stuck with me. Triple H, Michaels, and Bishoff also all chime in here about these hard years for Hall. Footage is shown of the 2011 independent wrestling show were Hall appeared heavily intoxicated and hearing Nash, Hunter and Hall all comment on it being a new low for Hall brought back many sad memories. This all was happening during the 2000s when a rapid number of early adult-to-middle aged wrestler deaths were transpiring and I recall wondering countless times during those years how in the heck Scott Hall was still alive.

Thankfully, there is redemption for Hall and it is tastefully covered here where Jake Roberts and DDP are interviewed about taking Scott Hall into DDP’s rehabilitation house and helped Hall kick his addictions. Hearing them and Hall reflect on this was a much needed and gratifying feel-good moment that culminates with Hall being interviewed again at that club where the shooting went down where he owns the guilt he carried all those years in the defining moment of this feature. The doc then winds down with how Hall got inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame and now helps coaches at the WWE Performance Center and how he helped got his son Cody started in the business too. Living on a Razor’s Edge is easily one of the best of documentaries WWE has made. There are many gaps they could have filled in on his in-ring career but it feels wrong to ask for that given what Hall has went through and recovered from in his personal life. Since this is a home video release, WWE gave it their usual jam-packed assortment of bonus features with eight minutes of deleted scenes, the entirety of the several introductory Razor Ramon introductory vignettes and 27 matches, five of which that are exclusive to the BluRay.

Deletes scenes highlights have Nash detesting the mask he used for his ‘Oz’ character in WCW, Hall’s memories of wrestling his buddy, Justin Credible on a ECW PPV in 2000 and Michaels recounting Hall giving Nash some great in-ring advice he promptly followed. I have only seen a handful of Hall’s pre-WWF matches before this BluRay so seeing several matches from those days and how fast he evolved in the ring was a treat. I did not know Hall already had the Razor’s Edge perfected as the Diamond Death Drop in WCW. Since that is not addressed in the doc, I will link you to this clip instead where Hall reveals its origins. Other standout matches in the extras include the aforementioned stunning upset at the hands of the 1-2-3 Kid, his ’93 WWE Title match against Bret Hart, a ’93 Coliseum Video bout against Michaels I have long forgotten, his first IC title win over Rick Martel and his still-iconic ladder match against HBK at Wrestlemania X. From 1993 through most of 1995 I fell out of wrestling for a bit due to being on the losing end of sibling wars for control of the television and the only wrestling I had access to during that time was a videotape of SummerSlam ’94 one of my dad’s coworkers taped for me. Razor vs. Diesel on that show was one of my favorite matches for many years (along with the Owen/Bret cage match!), so to see that included in this compilation earns bonus points from me!

Hall’s nWo highlights here contain a bunch of matches that have hokey finishes or disappointing run-ins and the only WCW matches included here that stood out are the Outsiders first tag titles win over Harlem Heat and Hall having an awesome match against Sting for the WCW World Title at Uncensored ’98. Hall’s match against Austin at Wrestlemania X-8 holds up better than I recalled, and it features Hall taking the best Stone Cold Stunner ever. Of the five BluRay exclusive matches I give high nods to check out his SummerSlam ’93 match against Ted Dibiase and a ladder match I completely forgot about that saw Hall square off against Bam Bam Bigelow from a 1999 episode of Nitro. As you can tell by now I am giving Scott Hall: Living on a Razor’s Edge the highest of recommendations. Aside from one of the best documentaries WWE Home Video has produced, it has a ton of bonus matches that proves how Hall was one of the best workers of the ‘90s. Hall’s personal story is one that is a must-see that shows the highest highs and the lowest lows one can achieve, and to see Hall escape from that dark tunnel is a heartwarming tale well worth the viewing for any wrestling fan. Past Wrestling Blogs Best of WCW Clash of Champions Best of WCW Monday Nitro Volume 2 Best of WCW Monday Nitro Volume 3 Biggest Knuckleheads Bobby The Brain Heenan Daniel Bryan: Just Say Yes Yes Yes DDP: Positively Living Dusty Rhodes WWE Network Specials ECW Unreleased: Vol 1 ECW Unreleased: Vol 2 ECW Unreleased: Vol 3 Eric Bishoff: Wrestlings Most Controversial Figure For All Mankind Goldberg: The Ultimate Collection Impact Wresting Presents: Best of Hulk Hogan Its Good to Be the King: The Jerry Lawler Story The Kliq Rules Ladies and Gentlemen My Name is Paul Heyman Legends of Mid South Wrestling Macho Man: The Randy Savage Story Memphis Heat NXT Greatest Matches Vol 1 OMG Vol 2: Top 50 Incidents in WCW History OMG Vol 3: Top 50 Incidents in ECW History Owen: Hart of Gold RoH Supercard of Honor 2010-Present ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery Sting: Into the Light Straight Outta Dudley-ville: Legacy of the Dudley Boyz Straight to the Top: Money in the Bank Anthology Superstar Collection: Zach Ryder TNA Lockdown 2005-2016 Top 50 Superstars of All Time Tough Enough: Million Dollar Season True Giants Ultimate Fan Pack: Roman Reigns Ultimate Warrior: Always Believe War Games: WCWs Most Notorious Matches Warrior Week on WWE Network Wrestlemania 3: Championship Edition Wrestlemania 28-Present The Wrestler (2008) Wrestling Road Diaries Too Wrestling Road Diaries Three: Funny Equals Money Wrestlings Greatest Factions WWE Network Original Specials First Half 2015 WWE Network Original Specials Second Half 2015 WWE Network Original Specials First Half 2016 WWE Network Original Specials Second Half 2016 WWE Network Original Specials First Half 2017

[toldnews-blog]

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WATCH: Dwayne Johnson opens up about new film co-produced with his ex-wife

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Transcript for Dwayne Johnson opens up about new film co-produced with his ex-wife

I’m can’t Woodward and in park city Utah the Sundance Film Festival where I have the unbelievable privilege to sit down with Dwayne Johnson and talk about. His new movie at his production company has premiering here is Sunday and it’s called fighting with my family. It’s the story of an unlikely hero here a girl who rises up with her. Strange kind of fabulous family and becomes a star in the WW EE. This movie. Spectacular there is so home much to be said about a sleepless night in London area. London good song right there it was it was 2000 flow should investors 6. O’clock. Terms of the TV and assaults documentary local channel. And immediately Natalie picked a fight with but it was really compelling. Identified with this. It was recently us. Who loved what they it is who. Put on these wrestling shows they’re small bars. Making money just upped its person must were wise. To make money so often picked up. But. But it was such a compelling story and so. Young girl. Actually from or which. Peppers. Two hopefully. To the WW Lee. The documentary she obviously he had not made. Them ironically suitors. When I went back in 2000. Thirteen she introduced yourself to that. We just watched very anxious so what this. That’s that I loved it and I can’t believe your family come from a favorite wrestlers ax to. That’s you know what Pulitzer call regional he was in the arena. The documentary such. This is there. Here’s it’s and she was blown away and let’s look you know it it’s don’t know what it is but I would look here’s a story Wednesday. But we do it just what you might think. C. Equity partners we call our producer artist Aaron. Arab we can make something that’s real. So feeling that her story would resonate with more than just the wrestling crowd. What did you two think when he first brought this year attention. We you know she for so she’s been in the business itself the restaurant that she said she. You know TrailBlazer and she should a huge impact on the female audience in the general so. She then get the color of the story and then also so much of our lives. Relate to you what’s happening in her life and her family’s life he just seemed like actually an incredible opportunity. But what whether beans from watching rocky we always loved and actually in the DNA some boxes or not it is you know and the story of him so much in the pocket as Brewster company so. That story room just resonates just in general we’ve experienced it resonates with the world has the story that we. No matter what skills needed something that war which resonate with audiences globally so that kind of story how excited he was. In seen her path and trajectory it made sense produced no matter what. We root. And you know I mean that. Note saying no matter what it was very challenging. Rusty get them which to view past. Every studio pass that at least to use the we love initiative. Partners. But for them they just the contents and it was offers small British comedy about British Bentley. Wrestling written equal to pro wrestling. Outside the system. By the partners. Real art and here’s what’s ironic options story burst 22. Yet. Wrestle mania. 2050. And at that time we’ve just gotten a movie green lettuce and now we’re moving forward. With this movie about her life that you one hour X axis it he go find season and ribeiro Europe looked surprised there so we got her butter over us haircuts reasons for she sat out US government movie. About. Just crying it’s so appreciative. Put Hiram Hiram and there’s news. And she’s leading us or have almost terrorists wise. And wrestling is something that’s that will tomorrow on Monday that draw a line. You’re gonna make your debut she goes out an experience that can become world champ. She almost painted like books had to sit down. Currently she and she could not believe what she heard that took its relations all of them saying that it we are sub. Existing. Her hear that from UN. It is it’s in the movie. I think one of my favorite. Themes throughout the movie is. Not conforming. And that’s been really true for you in your career as well. Being really fleeing Iraq. Will which was very important you know for a long time I think a lot of us but can’t speak for but he there’s good about. Human beings are out there who struggle with this beautiful Friedman being themselves and what it means for so for me I struggle of that. For very long time and especially when I first got Hollywood when I first got the Hollywood there wasn’t a blueprint the back follows that wasn’t the half black caps Samoan wrestler. Who wants to major Hollywood that it. Raised eyebrow oh maybe fifty letting fans. That with that so it was told that. Well this is how you that this is how you have to talk to you sure about issues like a lot of don’t don’t don’t don’t and his view these. Down that road or experience. Do you buy into it and you come for was until it. This. Okay. But that also. Who I have been working. Q creates risks appropriately. And rocky just like your. Refs were true and things were great lot which struggled some details. Six. Duke. And you were crucial in. Some kind of finding the back there was there was that committed to three conversation with. It’s time to let Hollywood make room for. So when the studio’s past comments. And now here you are today at Sundance. What a brilliant way for you to showcase this movie. Must be a bucket western country. It was over it was true computer that I didn’t know was on the bucket lists are really what an honors. They make different he says we didn’t. They discuss his opportunity. This is you know we know or. It doesn’t do anything that. He is hard any. It’s days and so we it was folks and we just hope no audiences. We actually waved me the initial feeling we got to make this movie and so. To find it ridiculous Indians win it wasn’t even in her dreams and we’re just trying to meet the it could test is. There’s so passionate about a project found that is so different. Then things that you have done before it’s not action packed movie. Was also a little bit scary quote the great thing that is at the court order. Are. These actions movies it’s always turns down very you know simple narrative we can always put repackaging around that core story but. We respond initially our justice quirk news that we believe that. Make audiences. Are imploding. Are solely those kinds fanatics and so whatever steel and built around it. That can fluctuate but this still had. World. And scary you know are large hail. Skier yet there. We’re going to there. Where there are initiating towards the third act just that. Ambulances and logistics. Due to. Actually served as we were. We have enough back. To. Fox. This story so into the first chairs. And which can. Never showed it. I left but it. So I love the title I am taking does that that Earl Spence. In this and he lives. From my perspective it. I think in the outcasts. Asks viewers in the asks viewers to take every. I. And Italy by activists functional dysfunction. Youthful. An air. I don’t response you don’t. It. He’s just. Nature of the business but as I hate. I may see you know there’s so many similarities in the handling. I think regionally apparently isn’t murder but officials Bentley even as we are bailing out just. You go through some crazy things but the love and the dream and the desire for more cancer. So these that this folks now you see in the movie. It’s just taken from lives. It is completely taken from our lives yes yet. You know. And I know people talk about this all the time. But. How have you turned a marriage that didn’t quite work out this absolutely beautiful professional partners. Rio de. It was reported that rent apprenticeship. Friendship down in the expansion. Want what’s best for acting. We’re so inclusive and that’s something so proud. It’s just a big family that’s living a big. Friends first we’re friends now it’s your version. Continuing to do business that makes sense. For us and then ultimately it’s it was week. Let’s go to work do. Yeah. I think I can ever bring up old look. I don’t trash. And. We are so different today and who we hurt and years ago twelve years ago that. It’s packed. Doesn’t exist emitter doesn’t trust are gonna draft. I mean really exists we’re so president today and I knew those people for their kids. They were here. I. I. I say we have to talk about the suit the suspect as strong. He now found. When you have a daughter that is entering the world that Parietti. Do you think. Not only is it different now because of women like he also. What advice to get to your daughter that you think that winds up it really involved the female wrestler in two you’d think. Two it’s not switch keep the conversation it through who is this performer so peach. Was one of the first professional Russert where all threaten our daughter was like wow. Don’t have to look like it’s like anything Egypt such passion for the sport when she’s asked performance and she is Simone in in this. Really ironic. Beautiful way. You know I’ll go back just a little bit is that you know I had some when I was twenty. And a cash. My daughter. Who will soon experience you know that you’re an out of I don’t. Willow who when getting hats and I was fortunate to be her father and. 29 is still trying to close. That. I was in WW the grew up in many ways with some of them grew up together. And we have this really unique or special bonds says as only dads and daughters can. Adjustment to you answer mode. So growing up with Simone in many ways it. It it forced us to. Do you weather challenges that forces to get better forced me to get better Russert. And so now what we’re doing it’s it’s really beautiful relationship that she’s going into business that. I have actually over the years we have graduated over the years it’s really special time because I can in a wonderful way its policy close. Now are having these. Discussions at high. Never thought I would ever have my daughter about. Finishing holes and crowd psychology. And how she’s hitting the roads are taking this duplex and how she’s got a protector her neck. And I never thought it would have these characters and we could be more proud Everett. It has been this incredible. Juxtaposition. First because this creep he will wrestling male dominated. The pilots flipped. See us. Q Inge and that line of some answers first. Days. National sort of some rather street. And all of them all the groups. Oh. Girls it to true underdog story that will resonate with everybody and it will be in theaters on February 14. I’m can and we were the new watching ABC news.

This transcript has been automatically generated and may not be 100% accurate.

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[speakingintothedarkness]

Old Memes and Memories

Hnn.... It’s been a while. 

Still with Liz. Briefly dated a trans girl long distance over teh interwebs but it went downhill. 

Still... grappling with gender, even though I’m way more comfortable with being not-cis than I was last time we talked about this, dear internet. 

I read a thing today. Its keeping me awake, and I have this weird feeling that if I tried to talk to anyone about it, it’d come off as... either inscrutible, offensive, or both.

Ugh it’s embarassing really. Fucking Homestuck. I know, what is this 2015? But seriously I had read that entire trashfire of a webcomic when it was being released and I only just learned about the epilogues so I figured I’d read that. 

It’s a bit weird. Go figure, right? Hussie is a weird dude who leans into his weirdness even harder than Dan Shive does. The entire thing is framed around a dichotemy, a choice that one character makes and all the action that follows comes from that choice. You get to make that choice for that character, but the story only really makes sense if you do it both ways. And, perhaps typically, even though this is the epilogue to a vast spanning story, somehow it’s not even really about tying up the loose ends. In fact, it leaves you with more than you started. The antagonist of the epilogue isn’t even the villain that was built up throughout the run of the comic and then never directly addressed. 

But that’s not what’s bothering me. What’s bothering me is, of course, the trans question. 

In one of the two branching timelines, a character comes out as trans. In that timeline, he is given time to examine his gender with an understanding partner and winds up deciding on a full transition to being male. 

...but in the other timeline, the same character winds up being married to a straight dude and remains a woman, has kids and basically... goes as straight cis as she can. And its really hard to say which version of them is happier in the end. A bunch of shit goes terribly for both versions (either/both ways, this was not a happily ever after for pretty much anyone involved), but both versions wind up soliloquizing about how they struggled with their gender and are happy with where they wound up. 

This... is a thing that as a tran myself I know I’m supposed to be foaming at the mouth over. Implying that trans is a thing you can choose to be, implying that, if things had gone differently you might wish to not be what you are, even if specifically asked about it... these are cardinal sins. 

And certainly for some people, they’ve known on some level who they were their entire life. But... I am not one of them. I can point to the exact moments in time that pushed me towards this self-realization, three sentences that various people have said to me, and two life-decisions that culminated in me being forced to examine what all this meant. So I guess since I can’t sleep and this is a self-indulgent exercise to begin with, it’s mOtHerFuKiNg StOrY tImE hOnK! 

The first moment that led me down this road, the point that planted the first proto-seed of thought about my gender in my mind was, perhaps predictably, about a game. In this case a long-standing DnD game I’d played with my OC friends in the early days of my relationship with C before she decided she hated them and didn’t want me to spend time with them and that’s own fucking rabbit hole. 

In our game, our characters had become so intrinsically involved in the politics of the nation our game was set in, that we realized that going on adventures was irresponsible and might cause irreparable harm to the world. So rather than end the game, we statted up our characters’ children. To make things interesting, we randomized who got who. To my (at the time) mild dismay, I drew a girl, When I showed the others my slip of paper with the name “Tamora” written on it, one of my friends snorted “God, it’ll be hard to imagine you playing a princess.” And it.... stung. It hurt in a  way I’d never before experienced. My first brush with a now all-too-familiar sense of dysphoria. As if there were a part of me I’d never before examined that had its ego crushed. I don’t remember how I responded. 

Thing is, I played Tamora like a fucking champ. And no one ever made another comment about me playing a girl. I think I’d proven that I could convincingly play any role I wanted to. 

Which brings us to the second sentence. I’ve talked about this here before, a friend on an online game admitting to me that the gender of her character did not align with the one she was assigned at birth. It was both shocking and enticing. In a way its laughable now (we’ll probably get around to why) but at the time, I just sorta assumed that... I’d be able to tell? And S was...  she was as female and feminine as anyone I’d ever met. I’d never wondered for an instant. 

And those two things... those two moments. The pang of hurt, the desire to be perceived as a girl; and the sudden realization that there was a venue where that might be possible. That lead me to make the first of those life choices: creating a female character, deliberately this time, and dive into her so thoroughly that there were times where I was’t sure where she ended and I began. 

Things got a bit weird in all this. I mean, people asked me questions about myself ooc and I would answer as if I were a girl. Hell  I even gave myself a name in all that. Karen, if you can believe it. Its not the name I’m currently using. Who the fuck would name themselves Karen in 2018-19 right? 

But ultimately none of that really mattered, I’d so thoroughly compartmentalized my brain throughout all this that barely anything of my character in the Game leaked into my real life or vice versa. For all intents and purposes, “Karen” who played the game and the me who did everything else were two entirely separate people. 

And yet some of it must have seeped through because C noticed. Or at least, I’m pretty sure she did. She knew I was playing the Game, but I never talked about my character or her gender. She knew that that rp involved romantic and sexual subplots, but I never discussed them with her, nor she her own sex-rp’s with me. It was a sorta tacit polyamory with very specific confines that we’d agreed to in a purely theoretical sense some years back and then adhered to rigidly in practice while determiniedly never talking about it. 

But for all the fucked up shit, she knew me well, maybe better than anyone other than Liz has. I mean, we were a couple of woke 20-somethings in the Obama era, so lgbt issues were pretty forefront at the time. Guess they still are, we were just a lot more... hopeful about it. But she kept sending me articles about trans people. Like, human interest articles. 

There was one in specific that she got really... enthusiastic about, about this one trans-woman’s journey to self-discovery through WoW. C read part of the article to me out loud, culminating when the person in the article was confronted by her wife: “You can be a girl if you want to be”. She kinda repeated that a couple times, looking at me hard. And in retrospect, yeah, it wasn’t fucking subtle. But at the time... it was not a thing I was willing to examine. Like fuck, honestly I think there was a part of me that knew. I mean there had to be at that point, right? But I didn’t want to pursue it irl. I think I made up my mind that it would be something I’d approach the same time that I approached the poly question that was inevitably hanging over C and I at that same time: after we were married. So I just nodded and went “Huh, interesting” with a straight face as my at-the-time girlfriend all but told me that if I wanted to come out to her, she’d be okay with it. 

Never got a chance to see if she really would have been.

After we broke up, all this shit got put so far back on the back burner that... well hell, go back and read my first few posts if you have the fortitude to stand a lot of bitching. Like way more than I’m doing now. 

And I mean the funny thing was I was still playing the Game I just sorta figured that once... I got another girlfriend, that’d have to stop? That who and what I was in the game would stop mattering. Because I was monogamous right? Just like I was male and straight, and the fact that my character was none of those things meant that I’d have to put her out to pasture. So it didn’t matter that I’d been playing a lesbian ethical slut for the past five, six years, because once I was in another sanctioned cishet relationship, I’d have to put all this foolishness behind me and never speak of it to anyone ever again. 

Goddess alone knows if I even could have but I would have tried. I suspect it would have gone badly.

Instead... by almost comicallly random happenstance, I wound up with a poly girl. And after some initial winging about whether or not I wanted that, a part of my brain I’d been ignoring went, “Hey dumbfuck! You never cared when A--- slept around or when E--- was in another relationship, why should it matter to you that CR has a boyfriend?” 

And the rest of my brain took a second to process that and was like “E--- and A--- weren’t involved with me irl, only my character in the game.” 

And the first part was like “Oh yeah, smart girl, if that wasn’t a thing you wanted on some level than how come you fucking jumped into it with both feet in the game?”

And the rest of me rejoined rejoined, “I suppose you have a p--wait! smart girl?”

“Oh yeah, that’s a thing too. You probably better process that because this whole fucking thing is tied together like a goddamn giftbasket of deviancy. Good luck having anything resembling a normal life once you’re done untangling it”

And at that point there was no turning back. I’ve dragged my feet certainly, not... as much out of a sense of general reluctance as a bunch of worries about how my family (who I’m still reliant upon) will take it. But once that realization had occured there was no putting that bunny back in the box. 

Which I guess brings me to my point, if one can even say I have one. 

In a lot of ways this whole misadventure seems less like something that was always there and more like... a memetic virus that somehow burrowed into my brain, incubated for a few years and then burst forth from my skull like some horrifying amalgam of Athena and a chestburster. Like, if I had pulled a dude’s name from that hat... would literally any of this happened? If my friend hadn’t admitted that she was experimenting with gender herself would it have occurred to me to try? If I hadn’t created that first female online character, would I still think I was a man? Would I still be a man? I mean that’s the crux of all this. In the fucking Homestuck epilogue, is candyverse Roxy still a man like they are in the meatverse? Sorry, spoilers I guess. To them, the only real difference is an opportunity to prioritize their own self expression and gender identity. But Candyverse Roxy still has put thought into those things, just because of how and when they had the time to do so, she arrived at a different conclusion than he did in the other timeline. 

And yes, I know that the Meatverse is considered more cannon than the candyverse, and yes, Roxy is the only character  in the meatverse who isn’t being manipulated by Dirk’s mind meddling and therefore we can safely say that his epiphanies regarding his gender are genuine, more truthful and relevant to the character than the weirdness going on in the Candyverse. 

But... where does that leave me. Obviously we’re playing the  “what if” game on a weird scale here but, what if that series of events hadn’t occured? Would I still wind up roughly where I am, genderwise, by a different rout? Or would I have continued to labor under the false assumption that I was a dude... and would that assumption in this case even be false by any empirical standard? That’s the question that’s kept me up tonight. 

I think I can safely say that by the time I had constructed this Karen figment that it was a foregone conclusion. But.... if either of those two inciting incidents had gone differently... Ugh... I don’t know. I feel like some people would want to take my trans card away from me for even suggesting that there’s a universe out there where I’m happily continuing to think I’m a dude. Maybe there is... but ultimately it’s not relevent or true for me, because its not a thing that I can go back to now. In short: it’s simply not cannon.