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dzpenumbra · 9 months

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8/10/23

Big day. Intense day.

I woke up after 3 hours. Yay. The upstairs neighbor's boyfriend is back, stompstompstomp creakcreakcreak at 8AM. And I couldn't fall back asleep. So I got up and ate some food and messed around with 3D modelling a bit... then did some work in Magic Music Visuals for a while. Eventually I got back to sleep and got another 3 hours, then stayed up.

I did yoga, the first yoga video I ever looked up... made for skaters. I still like it. It was a nice day out and I was kinda pledging to myself that I was going to go skate, regardless of my sleep. It had been raining for way too long, and I just... needed to get some wheels under my feet I guess. There's really nothing quite like cruising. I honestly would be just as fine going out and cruising and not going to a skatepark or learning tricks. I really love it. But it seems to be the one thing that non-skaters will sneer and shake a fist and call the cops on you for. Just fucking using a skateboard like it's a bike. Weird shit.

I was still very depressed. I was exhausted. But I mustered my energy, got some fruit in my system, got a shower in and forced myself to go to the park. The second I got out the driveway I was glad I went. I always am.

I got to the skatepark and it was fucking empty, in fact... pretty much the entire park was empty. And I had the earbuds in listening to Kristoff Krane's Kairos Part 1. I decided I really wanted to practice getting used to landing on a board that's doing a shove it rotation. I kept trying to really be specific to myself about what my fears there were, why I wouldn't commit to the trick. On snowskate, shove its are simple for me. They're my go-to trick. I just have to make sure I line them up well when I land, but I can shove it pretty much as well as I can ollie, and sometimes even better. But on skateboard... it just gets in my head, I don't know why. I still can't really figure it out. Like... I think I'm afraid of slipping out, but riding a snowskate on a packed surface is way more slippery than a skateboard on concrete. It just doesn't make sense.

I practiced nollie shoves over and over and over, because I'm more comfortable doing those, I have more experience from shoving out of nosestalls and nosemanuals. I don't pop them, but that's not really what I'm practicing. I wanted to practice the simple act of landing on a rotating board.

I am comfortable just riding with a board under my feet in many situations. I am comfortable ollieing down stuff, for the most part. I'm not up to big drops yet, but I could probably handle a 2 or 3 stair drop at this level. It's the ollie out to clear the gap that sketches me out. And ollieing up is a bit weird, but it's just lack of practice. I realized through this that most, if not all, of my tricks... my board stays with me. It never leaves my feet. Not fully. And in shove its, kickflip, etc.. the board leaves your feet and you need to land back on it. And I guess that is what's sketching me out. Not landing with the board at speed, not so much... landing on the board after being off of it, and quickly recalibrating my balance. Likely a problem because I never learned how to throw the board down.

So... instead of focusing on specific tricks and driving myself crazy because I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong... I'd rather focus on the concepts that I'm missing... like throwing a board down and hopping on, and normalizing that feeling... and jumping off a board and landing back on bolts. Then, adding in rotations and shit. Because it doesn't matter how high you pop your shove it, or how well you can eyeball the rotation every time... if you don't feel confident landing back on the board and riding away?... You're not going to land it. And that's just that. Simple, but very often overlooked.

So yeah, I felt much more comfy on my board today after practicing a bunch of nollie shoves. I was tempted to start practicing nollie shove off the angled box... and I was about to... when I noticed a person coming over to the skatepark. It was a woman, somewhere around my age.

I waved, she waved back. I wasn't really processing what was happening, I was used to there being people at the park. She just came right over and started talking to me. For 2 hours. She introduced herself, she started literally telling me her life story - well... more just stories about her ex/friend who... is kinda consumed by his demons, and honestly didn't sound like that good of a friend. She had an accent, I could tell she was from... what kinda sounded like a Central African country, but I'm not experienced with discerning those accents so I couldn't tell you a country. I could tell she really wanted to talk, and connect with someone who she felt understood her. So, I let her talk. All while we were both being eaten by mosquitoes and a small few were visiting and leaving the park. I would contribute commentary, I would insert my own take on things when it felt appropriate, but mostly I just listened and let her talk.

She did ask me a bunch of questions about myself though, like... about my spirituality? Because I was wearing a necklace with beads and stones. And honestly? I don't think anyone has ever asked me that. Likely because I never really hung out with religious people. She's a practicing Muslim, she was very open about that. I didn't know what to answer. In hindsight, I probably would have leaned a little heavier on the Buddhist side, but I felt my answer was fair and accurate. That I am a spiritual person, but I don't really subscribe to one camp. I study all spiritual beliefs - I wish I had leaned into this a bit more, because I really do, I spend a huge chunk of my free/work time studying all kinds of religions. I said I take bits and pieces from what resonates with me, and that I really try to focus on morality and ethics. Just... being a good person.

Is this the world I've been missing out on? Talking about personal spiritual beliefs within 5 minutes of meeting someone? The whole conversation was a whirlwind. I was very calm and cool through most of it, I didn't really get overwhelmed much in the moment. She was very funny and thoughtful, and she decided to just kinda hang out at the park until it got dark.

It was a bit awkward when she was asking me where I lived... and I had to tell her that I was an artist... but I was living in these apartments over here... and she knew how much the rent was here. And the rent is ridiculous. Like... absurd. So she knew within a few seconds that I live alone, I am a full-time artist and I live in these expensive apartments. And the question came... how do you pay for that? Yep. So I get to unveil that my wealthy parents help me with rent while I chase an art "career" that's never going to come to fruition. Fucking depression whispering that in my ear over and over the whole time. To the point where I was literally looking for job listings over dinner. -_-

Besides these two awkward moments... I guess there was one other thing. I could tell she was like... a mother figure. At least, she really identified with that. And... I told her about my leg injury. I told her that I was getting back into skating because I got an injury - I lied and told her it was from skating, it was really from a mosh pit at a metal show... I don't know why I lied, it just kinda made the story more coherent and less rambley - I told her that skating was my way of facing that fear and reconnecting with a sport that I love, a culture I love. But later on, she kept saying stuff like "break my leg, break your leg" over and over. Like anything skate related, I wanted to push myself and try a trick that was a bit outside my comfort zone... boardsliding a round rail for the first time (which I did, to little fanfare)... and she almost seemed like she was kinda... half trying to talk me out of it? Like "okay, don't break your leg." And... yeah, I really don't think this was on purpose, probably just an expression she was used to hearing... but yeah, that was a bit hard and confusing. I don't think she was trying to fuck with me, but I could have easily interpreted it that way.

I struggled to wrap up the conversation as she kept going on about her friend that is obsessed with using money as a way to prove his worth to people and shit, a very materialistic and manipulative guy. And I get she needed to get that out, and people do tend to treat me like their therapist a lot. It's a thing. Probably because I politely listen - like actually listen - and don't interrupt people or use it as an opportunity to talk about myself. But... it was getting dark... and I was worried about riding home in the fading light with cars and shit. And I really struggled to... end the conversation. I think she noticed, and we made our way there.

On our way out to the parking lot, we exchanged information. She asked for my number, which I gave to her, and I'm like 80% sure it was the right number, but when she tried to call me it didn't dial through for some reason... And she gave me her Instagram, which I was kinda leaning towards because I wanted to share my art. She expressed an interest in wanting to hang out more, like going downtown sometime. I just kinda nodded and smiled, I was kinda just exhausted and wanted to go home. I really didn't want to commit to plans or something, I was getting pretty overwhelmed. This was all so alien to me. So I just kinda said the hours I usually try to come to the park, and if she wants to chill she can hit me up. And that's that.

It's weird to have people want to spend time with me. It's been about a year since someone wanted to hang out, way farther than that since someone took initiative and asked me. And it's been almost half a year since I've even had social interactions more than in passing with someone that wasn't my therapist... It's really hard... and really embarrassing... to find a way to communicate that to people in a way they'll understand.

Like... this chick was talking about needing to get out of the house, getting stir crazy and shit. She has a 13 year old daughter, and I think either lives with her mom or lives close to her? And goes to bars and shit to try to socialize (though she doesn't drink or anything). And she's getting stir crazy. So... how likely do you think she's going to be to really understand what my experience is in that moment, when I haven't spoken to another person more than a handful of syllables IN A FUCKING WEEK. I've barely even spoken above a whisper in that time! And before that therapy session, was another week before it. And another before it... Like... the last social hangout I had that wasn't someone trying to get something out of me... or stupid condescending hypocritical fights with my mom... I think it was over a year ago? I really can't remember.

So... this kind of shit shocks my system. I can do it... but it's so... alien. So strange. I remember the first time I really felt like this was when I went thru-hiking on a big hiking trail for 2.5 days alone. No media, no phone, no music, just me and my pack and lots of fucking walking. By the end of that, I was so starved for social contact it was nuts. My tolerance has definitely improved over the decade since then.

So yeah, I don't know how to feel right now. I'm kinda just flooded from the experience, it was a bit too much. I really wasn't prepared. I was really just looking to get to the skate park so I could just not fucking listen to that creaking floorboard anymore. But instead, I was kinda... I don't know how to say this kindly... I want to say "used to meet their social needs." But I did give consent...

On the other hand, she was very kind and smart, she had a good attitude, though a few things I wasn't entirely onboard with. We were talking a bit about American culture and materialism and she was very adamantly pushing into this whole "you must work for what you have, that is what makes you appreciate it." And I starkly disagree. I believe that appreciation comes from within, that it's a deliberate action that we must take willfully. That it is, in its own way, a willful act of love. And I feel that understanding and valuing work for work's sake should be kept separate from that. I really, truly, don't understand why they are intertwined... short of "motivation" for people who would not otherwise labor. As though our possessions are awards for the work we do, a public demonstration of the worth we have provided for society... when I really feel like appreciating things is a deliberate act that we all need to take. You don't need to work to appreciate a sunset, you need to find the appreciation within yourself. But, you know, it's easy to have a shaming finger wagged at you for talking from a place of "privilege" like that, so I kept my mouth shut. More because I didn't want her to feel like I was... contesting her.

I'm also deeply aware of my fawning reflexes... which shone bright as the sun when I just... wouldn't skate because it would be interrupting her... and wouldn't go and pack my shit when it was getting dark because it would be interrupting her... So, I was trying to keep myself mindful that... there might be much more to what I was seeing than what I was being presented. Given that I have been fooled quite a few times before.

So... at risk of feeling like I'm being unfair to her... I'm staying a little skeptical... but it was definitely nice to meet someone who seems to be a kindred soul of sorts. I don't like how negative I'm painting this, but... I'm just trying to keep myself safe, I guess. She was nice and this could be a friend connection - hell, maybe even more down the line, who knows? - but I'm not going to do what I've done in the past and just swim in idealism and glaze over the bumps. I just did that a couple weeks ago when that "former friend" shot a fucking fox when we were on the phone... so, I do feel bad that I'm kinda keeping a bit of arms-length here... but I really need to keep a bit of an insulation layer in my process of acclimating to social interactions again, especially in-person.

That was another part... she mentioned being sick... or starting to feel sick... and it just sent Covid flashbacks blasting through my system. That was the #1 first thing that popped in my head. So, that definitely is part of why my guard is still up there.

Anyway, I'm absolutely fucking bushed right now. I just... I'm conflicted on how I feel about that. I was really happy when I got home. A bit embarrassed about the whole "my parents have money and they're helping me out in my mid-30's" thing... But I was happy that I made a connection who wanted to spend time with me. But the hours since have really just been... hashing over the details and dissecting nuance and... scanning for potential threats, I guess. Scanning for red flags. So, I'm stuck in that weird limbo state of feeling happy I made a connection, but hesitant and uneasy about whether it's truly genuine. I just hope I can be fair to others while I try to keep myself safe.

That's honestly been my day. I got home and made dinner and polished a few beads and now I'm here. So... off to bed and we'll see what happens with therapy tomorrow. Like 1200 things to cover in one hour... ugh...

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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3/30/23

Today was a pretty cool day. I thought I caught up on sleep, but apparently I didn't because I've been exhausted all day. I did that yoga routine I enjoyed yesterday again, it was just as nice today. Ate on the floor and watched YT, then showered. Then I called back the health center. They had left me a message this morning, they got me in with a new doctor. I got set up with an appointment tomorrow at 3:15. Just a 15 minute get-to-know-you kinda thing, I guess... same as before... But I strongly doubt they do more than 15 minutes for anything but surgery anymore. Shit's crazy. So yeah, we'll see how that goes.

Then, I strapped my new board to my backpack, got on my hybrid board and rode up to the local skatepark. It was only about... idk, less than 2 miles, I'd say. Uphill the whole way. But... my electric board made quick work of that.

I tried riding in the bike lane... and accidentally hit someone's side view mirror with the wheel of my board strapped to my back. I felt really bad. I didn't mean to. I just... there was only one lane on the left side, and I ride regular... and the board is on my back... and the lane is like... really fucking narrow... I don't think it did any damage, I just... I felt bad. It made me anxious.

I found the park very easily and it was just... complete DIY thrown together hometown crust park. And I was totally cool with it! It reminded me of the park I skated growing up in my hometown. And it was tucked away on what used to be an old tennis court, and it was really set back into nature, so it was nice to be around trees again and all that. When I got there, a kid came over to me. It was the kid who sold me my board and recommended the place! XD He and a friend were skating. They were really good, I was impressed. And humbled. And I just sorta... did my thing. Second session of the season, first one at this park, just... trying to find things I felt comfortable doing.

I think I was there close to 2 hours. I got nosemanual-shuv back, which was a cool feeling. Which should mean nollie shuv isn't far off. Which means pop shuv is somewhere in the ballpark eventually. Nollie is coming back slowly, ollie is getting really dialed in. Front 1s are going okay, there was this really beat up old funbox there and I did one off the side of one of the kickers. It took a few tries, I was feeling really unsteady landing fakie on loose trucks, it's still a new experience for me, but I got it there. I got a few BS noseslides on a little concrete curb, and on the coping of a low manny pad too, which was cool. I have BS so much better than FS, they feel so different. I honestly don't know how to carry my weight on FS, I think I sit way too far "forward" (while moving backwards) and I just slip out... or I sit all my weight entirely on top of my nose and it just stalls and I basically pivot quickly to fakie. I'll have to play around with my weight a bit, I think, I'm guessing that's probably what's doing it.

More and more people started flooding in, which I was not used to at all. And after a while, I realized I was just kinda... standing around and not really skating much. I was pretty anxious. I had headphones in, everyone else there seemed to know each other, for the most part. I was the oldest one there by a fucking longshot, and it made me a bit self-conscious. I feel like when people see someone in their mid-30's at a skatepark, they expect them to like... be good. And I'm really not that good, honestly. Just being realistic. I have experience, I can do some tricks, but I wouldn't say I'm... "good". So... since I was feeling anxious, I went over to the opposite side of the park from where I had been camped, to just... go outside my comfort zone.

I started skating that manny pad, it was like... 8 inches tall? I really wish they had an even lower one, but it's a nice height. So... I decided at one point... "I'm going to ollie up onto it." Not really the most "impressive" thing in the world, since I can literally ollie like... I don't know, more than twice that height. But I didn't go for it because it was "impressive", I went for it because I was scared of it. I was scared of hanging my back trucks, as always. Or... just some unknown fear of like "you're gonna fuck it up and wreck" or something, that force that just glues your shoes to the ground. And I was just like... no... No... I really just didn't want that to fucking win. And I wanted to push against it and prove it wrong. So I did one tiny practice ollie over a crack in the pavement and said fuck it and went for it and did it first try. No problem at all. No one even noticed! XD Of course, I mean... what would they be noticing? They had no idea the battle going on in my head, for all they knew that was an everyday trick for me.

Most of the ramps had big puddles of water and crap at the base of them, but I found a few skatelite ramps that were clean and dry and tucked away at the back of the park, so I went for it. I was playing around with different powerslide and pivot powerslide combinations. I like them, they're weird. Drifting powerslide rotations on skatelite feels similar to doing what I used to call "spin slides" on snowskates, but it has a lot more grip and friction so you can actually control it a lot more rather than just kinda dialing in how much force you need to throw into the rotation and then praying to all the gods you choose to worship. I did a lot more than I was planning. I can pretty comfortably do both FS and BS powerslides on a bank now, and BS pivot powerslide is one of my go-to fun tricks so that's definitely in the bag. What I tried to do was basically... I over-rotated one of the powerslides and I realized that with more force I could probably keep the rotation going. So I took the FS powerslide and tried to turn it into a full 360 powerslide, coming back down the ramp fakie. Again... I had the whole... not used to riding loose trucks fakie problem. But... I did land it. One or two were a bit segmented, like powerslide... split second pause... second powerslide. But I did get a pretty smooth one. And I did one where I reversed the rotation and rewinded it, which was cool feeling but I have no idea how it looked.

That session on the ramp was pretty fun and I really started getting creative and trying new things. The ramp was much steeper than anything I've really ridden before, definitely steeper than the banks back at the old hometown park. But I started to get used to it pretty quickly. Oh, and I also did ollie to fakie and FS 1 on it, so that was cool. I really think I just need to put in the hours to get comfortable and used to being on a board in a lot of different positions. That made a huge difference with snowskating. Just cruising and getting used to my boardfeel in different situations. Like... two of the best things I did just in general for snowskating were to 1) just cruise the sidewalks and bomb the hill at the park, and 2) practice landing ollies with a decent amount of speed. Getting used to how it felt to be on the board at different angles and different speeds, with different foot positions was very helpful all-around, and with the ollies, landing... practicing landing on a super low-friction object and riding away with a decent amount of momentum helped a ton in overall confidence in landing shuvs and flips at any speed. So... I need to build up that familiarity with my board, and that will come in time. Especially if I keep riding my electric board too, being on a board will be complete second nature to me if I use it to travel literally everywhere.

After all that, I decided to call it. There were storms predicted tonight, and the prediction did come true. And I was just... exhausted, and knew I still had to ride home. So... off I went. And the ride back was all downhill, which was nice. It was fine. Until... I came across a broken needle in the fucking street. And it just... really upset me. Because I felt a lot safer than I expected to throughout the day. I had been building up so much anxiety and paranoia, and then I went and it was like... college kids and people walking their dogs and shit. And I was just like... "wow, these are like... normal people." And then those fucking junkies had to throw my anxiety one fucking shred of evidence. Which is all that fucker needs sometimes. Ugh. So... I can plot out a different route there if needed? I can try, at least? Maybe it's just that one section of town that's a bit run-down, I don't know. Ugh. It just left a bad taste in my mouth, you know? So yeah, I just... had to look past that, I guess. And keep my eyes forward.

Since I got back, it's been pretty chill. I'm exhausted. I did more desire path project work, up to 60 runs now, the path is still not forming in-game, but my map is coming along nicely. I think I'm going to shoot for 100 runs, then maybe start a new path from one of the established points or something. Not sure yet.

And while I was making dinner, I tried to make a salt solution so I can try to grow my own salt crystals. It's been on my to-do list since the week I moved in. I followed the instructions and everything, I'm just... there was a TON of salt leftover, so I don't know if the solution will be saturated enough? But we'll see, I guess. It's going to sit and separate tonight, then tomorrow evening I'll filter it and then probably set up my first batch and then... in a few weeks, I should have some homegrown crystals. Pretty cool.

And yeah, that's pretty much the day. New doctor visit tomorrow, therapy after, then who knows. But for now, I'm gonna go try pass out.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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