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ancient-debris · 4 years

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i actually do want to make blacktwister rewind into a thing eventually but i suck at art and im not too too good with writing but i’m going to compile some thoughts about it here, this is extremely messy and subject to drastic changes.

The first part of it takes place in a city. It’s set in a mild dystopian world and the main characters are all outlaws in some way. one group has legit psychic powers (telekinesis, precognition, flawless lie detection, slight mindreading). alan add more details. another is brainmodders, people who have implants in their eyes/brain that they modify - this allows them to do extreme physical stunts as well as see things they shouldn’t. they can also hack other people with implants and cause them to get trapped in fake spaces or trip out for a while. can be pretty scary. one of the hacks is more insidious and deals with slowly changing how a person thinks. this is used to recruit as well as in a destructive way. third group is occultists, they are shadowy and mysterious and can create pocket spaces (dimension disparities, bigger-on-the-inside) and summon a couple of cthulhu-y beings which they mainly use to scare people off. spellcasting is very limited but is definitely a thing, but often requires sacrifice. This often means sacrificing one of the summoned eldritch beings since nobody wants to harm themselves, but doing so is really disgusting and can scar people mentally. fourth group is NLT/scripters (non-linear-thinking), they’re all eccentric people who have weird brains that allow them to understand things with code that wouldn’t normally be possible. they talk either a lot more or a lot less than most people. most of them know how to make fake credit, its sort of like cash that is accepted by machines but depending on the quality of the scripter, degrades after a couple of hours and can’t be used again. This can’t be automated and only certain people can learn to do it.

fifth group is called the theatre. they’re people who put on illegal performances but are still adored by the public. they act as PR for the other groups and probably smuggle drugs or do something else shady behind the scenes. the second part of it takes place in a giant underground structure. there’s a large group of people who all wake up here and can’t remember anything about themselves or the past, and escaping the structure seems impossible. nobody is able to give themselves proper names or nicknames for some reason. We get to see a lot of the characters from the first part in this. after a week a couple of flying drones show up and select a couple of people and give them names, which they can actually start using for some reason. Some jealousy starts between the named and the unnamed. eventually it is found out that if an unnamed person kills a named person, they take on their name and people are unable to refer to the previously named person as the name that was taken from them. After another week, it is revealed that there is a system whereby everyone is being watched and being voted on. the top-voted person and the bottom 10% of voted people are told they will be “terminated” vote counts are made public and a sort of civil war starts. This process is also said to continue for at least a couple more weeks. In the third part, we see groups form and eventually a small group manages to investigate locked parts of the structure and escape from it. the way they escape isn’t entirely understood by us or even them, as it seems to function almost like teleportation. In the fourth part, we get to see the remaining people still in the structure. The termination thing has stopped, and everyone who was terminated is still alive; just in a different part of the structure. they can see everything in the original part of the complex, but nobody can see them. everyone who was eliminated seems to remember their own names now. one person who was “named” but eliminated starts to go crazy. In the fifth part, we get to revisit all the previous parts but it actually turns out to be a series of interconnected conspiracies, parts of vague big plans that had all finally been put into motion simultaneously, interacting with each other in an unexpected and bad way with each other to produce both the government of the world being corrupt, as well the structure being created in the first place. the structure turns out to also be a time machine and it influenced the past to create the scenario that produced it. There is a lot of tragic backstory shown in this part. In the sixth part, the group who broke out tries to stay hidden and investigate the structure they broke out of, because they want to learn about it and potentially destroy it. Eventually they create a device that is able to pinpoint an anomalous signal that exists outside of space and time. They create a device that can travel towards it but in the process of floating through the void they see strange huge shapes of symbolic things and realize they are all part of a fictional work. In the seventh part, they reach the structure, sort of forget about their previous realization and meet up everyone in the un-eliminated section. their arrival triggers the elimination process to start up again and they are blamed for it. there are a few epic fights and some of the people die on both sides. Everyone who traveled back to the structure is eliminated. the top-voted person is an unnamed person who actually seems to be constantly out of focus and sometimes partially invisible. In the final part, they learn about the eliminated section of the structure and try to investigate it, but are unable to hold information in their heads about it and constantly procrastinate doing anything about it. They remember their previous realization and the unnamed among their group are glad they remember their names again. However, a lot of this group were “named” people from before and they start to go crazy themselves. they try to pinpoint to anomaly again using the device they used before and it points to the shadowy top-voted person. we get to see him lead everyone who wants to kill him past all the locks and to the outside of the structure. outside is the void again and underneath the structure there is a long infinity-shaped string of light made up of memories of all the previous parts. the shadowy figure nods solemnly and touches the film, which slowly sucks through their finger, filling them up slowly with static. they become an orb that “rolls” through the void, shattering it like glass before disappearing into the distance. everyone else bursts into colorful orbs of abstract memories and swirls together into a more colorful coil of energy. the structure above them turns to grey stone and crumbles slowly on top of them.

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sandflakedraws · 6 years

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The attic AU looks amazing, cuz this is the first time I've seen it. Do you think you could summarize it? Because I went through the tag too, and I am still lost

AIGHT. HERE’S ATTIC AU IN A SHITTON OF BULLET POINTS

//shoots off of a breach of trust chapter 8

• reigen loses the knife fight, mogami murders tetsuo, possesses reig, uses the policeman cuffs to keep reigen bound up in the attic.

• reigami is immune to the cuffs cause he’s a ghost/psychic type pokemon but reigen is made of regular human so he’s outta luck

• mogami depletes the rest of reigen’s funds and runs the rest of his credit deep in the red because ‘hey instead of hopping from vessel to vessel, i can just keep this one dude because he has no personal relationships’

• BAD TIEMS FOR A YEAR (mob’s goin on 5)

• mogami likes to prattle terrible advice for a living (dying ?) so he gives reigen advice about how he’s an awful person and how his savior complex killed tetsuo, and HEY ! i think you deserve to be in this attic because you used people and dont matter to anyone ever in ur life - the proof is that no one is looking for you

• cursed blender corpse as a roommate

• reigen also has to live with the knowledge that if he caught mogami off guard, he could have peed on his corpse. if he has to know this so do you.

• only mogami eats with reigen’s body in attic au, because he has a food fetish.

• all other necessary toiletries n shower stuff is handled with mogami awkwardly standing by because he doesn’t want his vessel to do anything, like dying, or the macarena, without permission.

• if you ever have a question about a thing, the answer is probably “cause mogami”

-why didn’t reigen scream for help ? cause mogami

-why is reigen so skinny ? cause mogami

-why does the attic smell like something up and died? cause mogami

• after some time, mogami gets more stupid and throws a loud, physical temper tantrum at mob, who also deserves none of this. its so loud that reigen can hear mob apologizing in the midst of the noise. now Reigen Knows

• reigen’s too apathetic about himself to try ghost murder with only a .05% chance of it working, BUT WITH A KID INVOLVED, HOWEVER

[neil breen voice] that’s just not right

• reigen shouts for mob to run, but mogami gets upset that reigen broke his ‘no screm’ policy and mcslices his neck as a visual metaphor to Shut The Hell Your Mouth.

• mogami’s threat is null and void against HOLYSHITTHERE’SACHILDTHERE’SACHILDOHFUCKOHMYFUCK

• cue reigen sawing through the wood bedframe with his handcuff chain, pulling upon dusty knowledge of hack sigils

• reigen gambles his life on this moment, and because he’s had so much yikes this year, the universe cuts him a break.

• mogami does the [dies but not for good] anime scream

• reigen stumbles downstairs looking for the kid. holy shit i have a duty and a reason to exist now! reigen thinks. he finds mob, and mob’s saying something but reigen is too focused on ‘we gotta get out of this house Right Now because i dont know if mogami is dead dead and i just seriously pissed him off’

• he hoists the kid in his arms to skedaddle

• unfortunately hoisting involves at least 100% shredding where mob is involved, and because the conduit sigil was drawn on his chest he gets an instant tattoo

• mob asks reigen how he got through the barrier, and rather than tell the kid that he didn’t and that he’s bleedy mcbleederson, reigen fumbles the excuse that he’s a barrier specialist and that police! are a thing! mob’s too emo to understand anything and cries himself to sleep. he deserves any and all naps.

• reigen’s still bleeding out however, and his walking skills are only lvl 1 cause mogami. he gets about 2-3 blocks, but u know who lives around there ?

• tetsuo’s ghost ex machina (he formed back a la dimple with his biggest concern being the spawn point : jun)

• since reigen’s wiping his feet on death’s doormat, he can see tets and explain the what the fuck is up. he also gives tetsuo the remote to his body because tetsuo’s better at call of duty than he is and the call of duty is HELP US PLEASE

• tetsuo’s trusted popo position helps the police/hospital staff believe that the sigils are needed, so no one else gets shreddy.

• tetsuo peaces out and reigen passes out

• when reigen wakes back up, he’s in a hospital and his ouchies are dealt with. the special case of Holy Shit its a Real Psychic Child Who Needs Help kinda blindsides the staff, so reigen isn’t looked at closely.

• Mob’s still working on not shredding folks so Reigen is turned away from seeing him. Also money. To quote Letters : “Reigen left the building owning less than he’d had when he entered.”

• there goes reigen’s reason for existing

• as would realistically happen, reigen’s been evicted, his workplace repurposed, and reigen doesn’t have enough bat bucks or pleasing body odor to make his case.

• fluorescent lights are a literal trigger for reigen, because that was reigami’s main hang out spot outside the attic. so now any department store is a 1000 square foot lesson in dissociation and trying not to look like you’re drunk

• it’s a miracle reigen even managed to shoplift the tent he sleeps in (i headcanon a clerk saw, took pity, and took one for the team for im)

• he spends about a month in the tent, asking for muns for noms

• tetsuo gets the credit for saving mob, because he’s prettier than reigen, and so is his wife. reigen’s jimmies remain unrustled with this

• cue mob wanting to show gratitude to the man who brought him in. he brings it up to the other social workers/therapists, to which they go ‘uhhhh we’ve never heard of the guy’

• the more everyone finds out, the more this gif plays in the back of their heads

• the kageyamas eventually follow the breadcrumbs back to the popo . isa gives them the only info they have on reigen arataka : which is that he’s been listed as an (either missing or dead, depending on the version) person for a while.

• ritsu finds him, for mob, via spirit hoarde network (because like in canon, once’s mogami’s “gone” all the little spirits come out to play. and gimcrack asks to slurp some of ritsu’s spirit juice if he can run him errands. except THIS TIME, the kageyama family has had their fill of evil spirits using them, so Ritsu keeps them the fuck in line)

• i have a joke where they send out the spirits to find “a thin, brown haired man with a scar on his face, possibly wearing a suit” and it leads to sakurai

• when they find reigen he’s got one foot in the darkness and the other in a rainbow croc

• he’s not all there

•the kageyamas aren’t about to let the man who helped bring their boy back die via crocs so they bring him home

• hurt/comfort hijinks ensue, including a Colorful Boi, a game of illegal Uno, Crying over Spilled Noodles, Fashion Upgrades, Waterbending, and There’s A Lack Of Context But Dimple Shows Up One Day

#kitsunelover142 #joey babbles #attic au #long post #cw: abuse #ask to tag #?

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blessuswithblogs · 6 years

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Top Ten Videocons of Twenty Seventeen, More or Less

2017 has, by all accounts, been a fantastic year for Video Games. Unfortunately for me, it has been a not so fantastic year in Having Money. So while in a perfect world my now annual game of the year list would have been a terribly contested and dramatic affair of cutting games I thought were good but just didn't make it, in actuality, I had to scramble and cheat a little to just find 10 games to slot in and talk about. I did at least manage to find them. Mostly.

10. Destiny 2

Destiny is a franchise with a troubled history, which feels weird to say about something that came out in late 2014. Nevertheless, Destiny 2's shooty looty gameplay loop finds its way on to my list. The story is tepid and the characters, with a few exceptions, are scarcely worthy of memory, but the visuals are good and the core mechanics of shooting and using abilities are a solid foundation to build upon in the inevitable flurry of DLC packages and expacs. It's all quite reminiscent of Borderlands, except without the unmistakable caustic ooze of Randy Pitchford's involvement. That in and of itself is praiseworthy.

9. Gravity Rush 2/Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze

Okay so I maybe didn't actually play this one myself. I usually try to exclude stuff that I watched and enjoyed but in this case I was sitting on the couch with other people playing it so that's basically the same thing as playing it myself right? I think I held the controller for a little bit. Anyway this game is super weird and charming and a little nauseating in parts because you sort of go flying off into the stratosphere randomly? But the aesthetic and Mood the game goes for is very unique and fun, it even has its own cute little made up language I mistook for French at first until I heard some Japanese and Spanish sounding words in there as well. The main characters Kat and Raven are dating I think? They're happy and alive girlfriends. Raven is a little broody I guess but they're definitely not the Sad, Dead Lesbians I have grown to detest. Raven is not Velvet. Just reminding myself. Tropical Freeze is just really good and while it maybe came out like years ago I only got to play it very recently on my friend's Wii U. The music is super good fuck you Jeff Gerstmann I will fucking fight you and your shitty opinions about video games you god damned grumpy old man.

8. The Surge

My Thoughts on the Surge are well documented on this very website. It's flawed and frustrating in a lot of ways, nonsensical in others, and the story never quite commits to its original conceit which is a real shame. All that said, I respect the game for what it was unabashedly trying to do: be Dark Souls but with cyborg powerloaders and robots. Like, you gotta live your bliss, right? Lords of the Fallen was utterly miserable and the improvements that The Surge demonstrates gives me cause for optimism in future games from the developer. Anything that gives me cause for optimism in 2017 has to be worth something. That said, the inevitable The Surge 2 is probably going to be kind of by the numbers and unnecessary but that's just how you make games in the 21st century.

7. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

To begin with, BotW would be much higher on this list if I had not only come into owning it and a Switch yesterday. It is by all counts extremely good, an open world game that's actually pleasant and charming and has meritorious mechanics outside of Todd Howard style "you can go fuck that mountain" nonsense. I mean don't get me wrong you can fuck plenty of mountains in this game. Link is fucking Spider-man in this game, the only surfaces he can't mysteriously latch on to are inside the puzzle shrines so you can't just cheese them. Weapon degradation is maybe a little excessive? I feel sort of like Bayonetta in the first cutscene where she keeps yelling "Guns!" when she runs out of ammo except I'm yelling "shitty wooden sticks!" when the one I'm using breaks into a million tiny pieces. I understand the reasoning behind it, I do. It establishes a certain rhythm to the game of exploring, fighting, stocking up on shitty wooden sticks, and repeating. When you find like, an actual sword or spear it feels like an occasion to celebrate, and the whole thing demands that you use a variety of different weapons and weapon-like objects. I'm not nearly far in enough to give an honest, comprehensive picture of the game. I just really like what I've played so far so I'm just compromising by putting BotW relatively low on the list.

6. Cuphead

It's Cuphead! Everybody knows Cuphead by now. It's gorgeous, the soundtrack is great if somewhat lacking in variety, King Dice is really cool but has extremely unfortunate racial undertones, the game is pretty hard (not that hard?) and Cala Maria is a babe. It's a singular game that is extremely worthwhile and hopefully paves the way for future games in a similar style of aping specific styles and eras of animation. I really want a game that goes hard on the 1950s Looney Tunes aesthetic where you just drop anvils on people forever. Cuphead isn't perfect, as a lot of the game's difficulty and length comes from bad checkpointing. It's a necessary evil, because if the game did not blatantly disrespect your time in a lot of the later fights, the game would be like, two hours long. I'm not a proponent of the "git gud" philosophy but I can't help but feel like I really want to say that to the various bad-at-games journos who got bent out of shape about Cuphead being hard. This is your damn job. You can suck it up for one game, especially when it's really very good and unique like Cuphead. Also my mom came in while I was playing it and thought I was watching a popeye cartoon so that was kind of cute I guess.

5. Civilization 6 (CHEATING AGAIN)

YEAH I KNOW THIS GAME CAME OUT LAST YEAR AND IM A HUGE IDIOT FUCKER but hear me out Civ6 is really fucking good because of the fact that Wonders take up physical space on the map and districting does the same thing. Like just this single mechanical change basically doubles the amount of thought and planning you need to put into playing the game even on low difficulties to optimize your output and production. Like it's a civilization game so there's not really anything too groundbreaking here but I fucking adore this game. Really looking forward to Rise and Fall, which will be early 2018. With the initial release being late 2016 I feel like this is like, an honorary 2017 game. Don't @ me.

4. Hollow Knight

Hollow Knight is another game I wrote about previously on the blog, but unlike The Surge I had basically nothing but good things to say about it. Hollow Knight has gorgeous hand drawn graphics and environments not entirely unlike Cuphead, but obviously goes for a much more reserved mood. Hollow Knight is a rock solid Metroidvania game with strong aesthetic and musical chops to back it up, as well as some Dark Souls-esque flourishes to give the game a bit of bite and a haunting narrative arc. A fantastic indie game and I can't wait to see what Team Cherry does next. I need to get around to doing the Halloween DLC, come to think of it. Did you know Zote actually has as many precepts as he says he does? I listened to them all. Some of them aren't too bad.

3. Nioh

Geralt the Witcher's moonlighting adventure as a samurai came out quite early in 2017, but remains one of the best games of the year due to its complex and rewarding combat system, beautiful Warring Kingdoms era Japanese architecture inspirations, fun mythological monster designs, and genuinely well done historical fiction backdrop. Coming into it, I fully expected "Dark Souls except the bosses are like Tengus and Nues and shit", but that description does the game a pretty big disservice. It's much more than that, both from a narrative standpoint, which is a fantastically tinged retelling of the Warring Kingdoms period, and from a gameplay one. The combat in Nioh is much more technical than in Dark Souls, with more pretensions of a combo based character action game than the deliberate, heavily customizable experience of the Souls games. Nioh is still quite hard and has the whole death-recovery mechanic, but it makes sense diegetically due to Guardian Spirit system and remains distinct. There are times when it tries to have the best of both worlds and just kind of ends up feeling like it doesn't do a good job at either, but for the most part, Nioh is tremendously fun, and at times infuriatingly difficult, especially in some of the post game optional battles that pit you against multiple bosses at once. Also, finding Kodamas is extremely rewarding because they are so damn cute. I love them. Find them at all costs.

2. Nier: Automata

Nier: Automata, Yoko Taro's latest brainchild, is, well, what it is. It's a hauntingly weird story about what it means to be human, and if that definition is really even adequate. It's a game with a lot to say, which is why I regard it so highly. The core gameplay is fun and serviceable, which is much more than I can say for its predecessor, the first Nier, which was memorable and affecting but played kind of like butts. 2B's android adventures are much more fluid and stylish, and you have a surprising amount of customization options available (though some arguably make the game a little too easy at points, like regenerating health) and there's enough variety in the little Machine Life form enemies (and the big ones, too) that fighting never felt like a chore to me. Of course, others have disagreed, but I think that the tedium really only sets in when you play as 9S, who has a much reduced arsenal of fighting moves in favor of his hacking skills. I liked the little shmup minigames that hacking entailed, so even 9S's story never felt too dull in the actual mechanical execution of it. People tend to have a misunderstanding of how the game works, that you need to complete it 4 times to get the whole experience, but that's not actually true. The 4 endings separate the game into acts more than anything. While 9S's story has a lot of overlap with 2B's story, endings C and D are just entirely new content where you play as A2, who has some tricks of her own distinct from 2B and 9S. It's not perfect, but it's not like you have to play the same game 4 times. It's a very story focused game, so much so that I would say experiencing the narrative is the main draw, but it has the decency to also be varied and fun to play. I love the parts where you get in the transforming flying robot and shoot the dudes. Especially the big dude. You know the one.

1. Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood

The latest Final Fantasy XIV expansion, Stormblood, is super good. I wrote a bit about it earlier, and how it has improved upon Heavensward in almost all respects. Stormblood is a superlative MMO expac, with well designed and amazingly presented raids, dungeons, and trials. It's full of "holy shit that's dope" moments, like when you get into a blade struggle against the primal Susano's gigantic Ame-no-Murakumo in an active time event or storm the fortress city of Ala Mhigo. Ultimately, though, what really makes me evaluate Stormblood as my game of the year is how surprisingly thoughtful it is. FFXIV has, since the relaunch of 2.0, been a game that has not shied away from complexity in its narrative conflicts. The juxtaposition of the mythically strong Warrior of Light and the surprisingly mundane issues even she cannot seem to fix has always been the game's most interesting element to me, and as you spearhead revolutions against the Garlean Empire in two different countries, you learn a lot about how imperial colonialism has made things too complicated to be fixed simply driving out the oppressors. You do, eventually, of course, but the story is quick to remind you that this is only the beginning, and a lot of key issues remain unsolved, both in the newly liberated provinces and back at home. Also the Dark Knight questline from 60-70 is basically the best the game has to offer. It feels to me like that Dark Knight is the unofficial Job of Stormblood, despite the promo material and opening movie having you believe it to be about Monks. Monks, as usual, are boring. The themes explored in the Dark Knight questline, about regret, about shades of gray, about self-destruction, all align perfectly with some of the subtler narrative arcs of the main story. It's just really good and I love it. I still really want to write a piece about it on its own. I probably will soon. But for now, I name Stormblood my game of the year, for reminding us that we are still heroes. That we are still good people.

#2017 #goty #breath of the wild #nier automata #the surge #hollow knight #ffxiv #nioh #cuphead

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myinnerwasteland · 5 years

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I’ve been feeling so lost and nostalgic lately and been so caught up in my feels that I’m always hitting the depth of my inner fucking dark sea more times than I can count now. But how can I at the very same time be so in tune with myself and where I’m at and knowing where I am also not at. Like I know everything that’s going on around me and everything that’s flying by and time doesn’t stop so I can’t pause it all for shit. But in the midst of not doing anything at all in my life right now I’m watching it all go by and also watching none of it happen also. I’m stuck in fake world I’m stuck in parts of the past and I’m stuck in the present. The present to which only I can apply a change to but I can’t say or type it in words how hard that is except feel and think it. And thinking doesn’t necessarily go down in words or pictures. Thinking is feeling like a literal feeling up in your head with fuzzy shit as pictorial and not just stuff in your body or soul shit. Due to this I can’t describe what I mean when I say things like I’m stuck but I’m not stuck. It’s a fucking catch 22, a paradox whatever you get it. But every feeling is different, so distinct to another in yourself and nobody in this entire world feels a single feeling the same way as another. You can understand somebody because similarly they can relate but really and truly our depth and feelings never truly match. We are all different and so we feel everything differently. So the shit that im going through, shit that’s happening to me? May not be down to the same degree as a bald fucker out here with cancer or some shit worse than that but, my problems are my problems. Who says the invisible shit that’s going on inside of me isn’t equivalent to cancer, or the fucked up rocky ride of an eating disorder? No matter how distinct and small my problems are they’re MY problems and to me that’s just it. It’s my fucking problems and this is how I feel, and it’s being caused by this and that and I just feel so fucking shitty because of it. And worst of all I can so help me and I can’t help me because I won’t because I don’t and because just because. I don’t even wanna say lazy, that’s like a normal 17% in anything anyone does. The rest of it is literally caused by things I can’t think of words for. And I write and I write and where does it all lead me huh? I just come back to write some more shit and im fine for a mo or not fine at all sometimes but what does it help man? Yeah I’ve let it out but there’s still so much writing doesn’t cover. We’re humans and how complex we are that on a real not all inches of us can be shown or expressed down to the grain of us. That’s pretty much why I just come to write as much as I can in words because that’s all I can do. But it’s losing its value in loopholes now. It doesn’t feel as helpful as I thought it would be in prospect to it changing my life in some way that’s more than just subsidiary

I’m so desperate to pee and my eyes are fucking watering and I never cry out loud because it doesn’t happen naturally but shit it’s night time and I come out like this. I find solace in the world asleep around me and this time to just be.. like the world has actually paused you know? But the night doesn’t last long man. It goes by 1am 2 am 3, 4 blah blah so fast bc it’s a norm for me and I have to come to this stage of finally closing my eyes and trying to sleep when I know goddamn very well it’s hours of build up to finally pass the fuck out so it’s no difference if I’m on my phone, reading or even riding a fucking horse. I won’t sleep till it’s like 8 or 9 fucking am. My life’s a fucking mess.. the messiest shit I’ve ever known man. Whys it so bad but what am I even fucking complaining about? What is actually fucking wrong? When did it really fucking get like this. Literally I know when but woahhhh it happened so naturally and was the smoothest fucking flow not even god thought he was gonna send this shit my way till he did. You see my life and you’ll laugh perhaps thinking why do I feel like this or write this shit up. I sometimes really feel like I’m faking all of this but for what? There’s not one grain in me that’s at all associated with attention seeking. I have a lowkey lifestyle and it’s what I’d always choose to stay like. And it’s not lately that I’ve been feeling lost and nostalgic. It’s been a mad while which seems like ten times more as if I never knew bliss or even remember how alright my life was before all this “feeling too much” shit happened to me. What was I before? Who was I? I remember but what the fuck i can’t accept how long ago that was. WhT did it feel like?? So consumed with all these current feelings I don’t remember what the old me felt.

And god I never finish anything. My work, my portfolio, that art piece I started, all the shows I started and never finished, things I half way wrote and said I’d go back to and never do, my blog posts, attaching gifs or images to match my text, seriously the amount of “post privately” posts I have just because they’re unfinished and not written correctly like I want so I have to fix it but I never do. Even the ones on show aren’t finished and they go down all the way to the bottom of this place and I never go down there. Its all piled up now and I never go back to anything when I want to, I plan to but I never do. I can’t say if it’s time or if it’s just me. It’s fucking both because I can work with time I just.. idefk man. I’m just sick. I’m no excuse nor do I have rational explanations. I’m just fucked. And so sick of the way I don’t do things or don’t eat or don’t sleep or edit my pictures or finally delete all this junk shit pictures I don’t need from way back or start that book I was meant to like 4 months ago or start posting on my Instagram and sorting out my file of 9k pins on my Pinterest app or start my journals and just fucking everything. I’m just sick of a million things I’m not doing that I want to and should be and I swear to you my inside cries out loud man. Internally crying because the outside can’t hack it. I’m so sick of just always writing my problems too. I just want to fucking start but start where broo? That’s just so off putting because it’s so difficult to just start and then just where to begin even? I have arms legs a mind and all this fuxking goddamn potential and I am literally so aware of how I’m wasting it. I’m 20 in almost a fuxking month and 19 has run out swiftly and all I’ve done is blink. I’ve done shit all and before I fucking know it 2019 is over. Someone help me man. Just help me. I’m talking to you bitch. Me myself. God just help yourself, please. I’m literally at fucking war with myself

#sadgirl shit #extracts of my youth #extracts of myself #spilled emotions #spilled thoughts #truestatement #come find me #this is me #afacelessthug #damaged souls #so lost #long reads #lonesome

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theintellectualchaos · 7 years

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thriller filler

As my previous post suggested, I was very busy these last couple of weeks. Today, however, I handed in my term paper and now I may enjoy 5 days of freedom till a new semester begins..... and since I am still far, far behind with my book reviews, I’m gonna sum up some of them and give a short account on 5 thrillers I’ve been reading in 2016 - none of them leaving me in awe, so I guess it is alright to throw them together in one mash-up review. I’ll keep it short and simple. There might be quotes (if I found anything worthy of quoting) and I made sure there are no spoilers.

19.2016: Jeremy Robinson - The Didymus Contingency

If you could go back in time, and witness any event, where would you go?

Tom Greenbaum and David Goodman have discovered time travel and go on a journey through time and space to Jerusalem, the Twelve Apostel, and Jesus. As in any time travelling story, our protagonists are about to observe and change (Christian) history, facing dangers and threats from the past, present, and future. Sci-Fi meets thriller meets religion. Not a complete waste of time but not a page-turner either. Maybe if you’re into that kind of stuff.

20.2016: Marc Elsberg - Blackout

A worldwide terrorist attack causes a total blackout and within hours and days, mayhem ensues and the world as we know it collapses without electricity. Elsberg has written a fast-paced thriller that manages to feel real to a certain extent, in a way that you could actually believe it to happen if the scenario was played out. Neat and nicely done and well researched.

21.2016: Harlan Coben - The Woods

Twenty years ago, four teenagers at summer camp walked into the woods at night. Two were found murdered, and the others were never seen again. Four families had their lives changed forever. Now, two decades later, they are about to change again.

And so we follow county prosecutor Paul Copeland as he has to (literally) dig up old corpses in the woods and fiind skeletons in the closet to finally bring closure to him and all the others involved in this brutal tragedy. The more I write the more I have to spoil so I won’t. It’s suspenseful, it’s full of twists and turns and reveals a rather complex background story. Paul is a very likable protagonist and if you’re looking for a well-written, high-paced thriller, look no further. I couldn’t put it down. You’re welcome.

Favourite quotes:

She drove, enjoying the time alone. She listened to Tom Waits sing that he hoped he didn't fall in love, but of course, he does.

Raya Singh worked at an Indian restaurant called Curry Up and Wait. I hate pun titles. Or do I love them? Let's go with love. [so very relatable]

“Ground control to Major Cope.” It was Muse. She hadn't said the words – she sang them, using the old David Bowie tune. [I’m definitely singing it, too]

The first sip of beer on a hot day is like that first finger-dip when you open a new jar of peanut butter. I enjoyed what could only be called God's nectar. [true]

Margot was the camp va-va-voom, and man, did she know. [Va-va-voom!]

Barry McGuire's classic 1965 antiwar anthem, “Eve of Destruction,” was playing. Troubling as this song was, it had always comforted Lucy. The song paints a devastatingly bleak picture of the world. He sings about the world exploding, about bodies in the Jordan River, about the fear of a nuclear button being pushed, about hate in Red China and Selma, Alabama (a forced rhyme, but it worked), about all the hypocrisy and hate in the world – and in the chorus he almost mockingly asks how the listener can be naive enough to think that we aren't on the eve of destruction.

So why did it comfort her?

Because it was true. The world was this terrible, awful place. The planet was on the brink back then. But it had survived […] We always seem to be on the eve of destruction. And we always seem to get through it.

22.2016: Tess Gerritsen - Playing with Fire

Puuuuuuh. Tess Gerritsen. I never really got into her. Dee, however, told me to read it and advertised it as: “The protagonist is a violinist named Julia and her daughter wants to kill her.” Teased like that, I had to see what was happening to my musical namesake. The novel is focused on Incendio, a composition Julia buys in an antique store in Rome. As she practices it, the music seems to have some dangerous effect on her daughter. In order to protect her family, Julia goes on a quest to find out about Incendio’s origins and uncovers the music’s dark secret.... The problem I had with this book was how it started and how it abandoned its originial plot completely throughout the second half. Don’t get me wrong - both storylines on their own are perfectly valid. I just didn’t like the above described onset to introduce the ‘revelation’ and a then somehow rushed resolution to Julia’s evil child problems. So no recommendation from me. Sorry.

Favourite (only) quote and actually a really nice sentence:

He sees the world in mathematical terms, and even the way he moves has a precise geometry to it, his tie swinging an arc, criss-crossing into a perfect knot. How different we are! The only numbers I care about are symphony and opus numbers and the time signatures on my music. Rob tells everyone that's why he was attracted to me, because unlike him, I'm an artist and air creature who daces in the sunshine. I used to worry that our differences would tear us apart, that Rob, who keeps his feet so firmly planted on the ground, would grow weary of keeping his air-creature wife from floating away in the clouds.

23.2016: Jilliane Hoffman - Cupido

Nasty, gruesome story about a rapist-clown, a young law student and their reunion in court when she has to face her former perpetrator but keep it cool to make sure he’s gonna rot in prison... I used to like stuff like that but I’m more kinda grossed out by it these days. I guess I’m getting old...

Favourite quote and - I speak from experience - great life hack!

“Möchtest du ein Glas Wein oder bist du noch im Dienst?”

Er folgte ihr. “Ich dachte, du hättest Kopfschmerzen?”

“Habe ich auch”, antwortete sie und öffnete den Kühlschrank. “Wein ist gut gegen Kopfschmerzen. Man vergisst einfach, dass man welche hatte.”

After this little marathon I have only got so many more books left to review. I’m almost glad I hardly found time to read this year (not even 3 books yet!!). And then there’s Janacek and some more music to review and admire. And recipes to share. And places I’ve been to tell from. I’ll keep you posted, cheeky promise!

Now off to enjoy a well-deserved Feierabendbeer in the spring sunset on my balcony. Cheers!!

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