#not just for myself (tho i do fear being elderly and alone with no children to care for me)

[soldier-poet-king]

anyway instead of working on my paper i just read a lengthy article on the housing crisis in toronto and now im 1) bawling 2) angry

people always ask why i hate toronto and 1) i can never afford to live here even if it didnt lack green spaces which means i dont even WANT to live here 2) (middle class + affluent) torontonians are rude, selfish, and SO full of ‘toronto pride’ bc we’re a developing ‘first class’ city or whatever, and we’ve got fancy sports teams and a lot of movies and shows film here, while completely ignoring the cost to the people on the fringes of society, the poor, the refugees, the ill, who get trampled under this unending need for ‘progress’ and ‘development’

im just?? im sick of it? the author makes an interesting point - illness, tragedy, poverty - things that often lead to homelessness, these aren’t new phenomena, but the mass homelessness facing the city is 

it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why

[madfantasy]

1) Oh, dear Mani, it's so devastating to read what you're writing about yourself. You're a loveliest person and a beautiful artist, and you deserve all the very best in the world. Sorry if it's dumb (I'm from Russia and maybe it's like asking if there're bears everywhere in the streets here) - but is it common in your country or it's just your family? Is it legal to prevent you from socialising etc. or is i just a tradition ?

You are so precious, thank you for your kindness.. I'm so sorry to have to trouble you.. but I can't seem to filter anything lately.. and no, it's not a dumb question at all. One is not expected to know everything, that without mentioning other people's cultures, tbh I hardly know much of mine but what I have encountered..

The simple answer would be— it is common; but it varies.. my family is probably at 8 or 9 out of ten in the extreme levels, I guess this is me numbing it down again, but... anyway, It's not even a religious thing, it's more of old cultural habits and practices—before religious times. It's even -what my family's doing- against what is considered common habits, here. As people are normally extremely, suffocating-ly sociable and curious and inviting and probably won't leave you alone if you haven't made it clear.

I don't know if it is legal or not, I'm sure it is illegal based on human rights alone? I'm always told (as a way of threatening) how parents can call the authorities on their misbehaving children. And it is a thing here, usually if the kids be abusive to their parents (as in beating up their elder parents) or troubling, police escort them to where ever. And I don't want to think of the anti...

As I am assigned at birth this gender- female- automatically I'm shut down by my family of fear of shame and whatever but told it's out of "honourable" protectiveness of their reputation and mine.

Tho they know I am far from being associated with the traits of being that gender (or any) I disliked dress, spoke with no gender pronouns, hated hair styling, make up and all.. I was still been treated as if I am a shame that needs to be kept private in all possible legal ways. As no one of any kind should be..

(Without mentioning that having female child is considered a way to heaven— religiously speaking— and in ancient times, they used to burry their infants females out of shame. How did they still exists is beyond me)

Anyway, to me it meant no contact with the opposite gender at all cost, only sticking to matchings. That means no hospitals if the doctors weren't females, no school trips, no malls, no visiting my schoolmates (next door or not), no public places, no house yard if the fence built too low, no windows (blocking them with cardboards and textured stickers). Was gonna share a pic of baby Mani in a house that has that, but. Literally I remember imaging z hanged picture with cottage in flowery field as the view outside our window, and day dreamed happily about it. (I have no pictures of me in my teenage years, cuz it was shameful to have them, even with smartphones arrived, mine was constantly searched for them) while we received pictures of the extended families children in all of their age groups..

I had to constantly come with excuses to everybody why I can't come see them or why I can't go. I thought being poor was the main reason and it was shameful, and I was embarrassed by my charity cloths and unfurnished homes, I was always told to lie about it, because people would laugh at me if they found out. So I did. And everything made sense until I grew more brain cells and realising nothing have changed, either we be dirt poor or not. People actually offered to pay me food, trip costs, give me coats for the winter, rides to school, to beat off my misfortune when they are able just to include me, yet it was still being rejected.. and I couldn't understand why anymore.

I seen married couples, when ppl forced fam to take me somewhere to enjoy and have fun, the wife is the one running the house, goes out shopping, or just go out for rides, calls the workers for repairs, go places on her own, took taxis, and it was... Normal?!

A cousin of fam came to visit and asked why your children don't go out, why don't you give them money and let them shop their heart's content? They answered, they fear society.. a lie at that time

Maybe it's not something noticeable for outsiders, but cloaks speak of the area's culture and age too. When I came 'of age' I had to cover up in the extremist of ways, ways consider only elderly ppl did, and I always got funny looks when I wore my cloak.

I was never allowed to show my eyes, specially that I wear glasses and can't see with the cover. So I tripped alot and was humiliated for in the streets, trying to make me understand that anything I do is an ' invite' for their eyes..

I was beginning to see the flaws, the lies, the holes in reasons I was offered.. linked together the constant misery that I didn't understand it's reason, since as further as I remember.

Maybe it's not spoken in plain words (until yesterday that is) but all that is just because that I am born under that title..

Women now can drive.. can be their own legal guardian without the need of a male to confirm everything she does (which was what it used to be) she can travel abroad alone if she's over 21.

I'm fighting so hard to exist, and to have basic needs satisfied..

It almost took my soul out begging to have my ID card, until the gov announced fine to those who don't register their females.. I should had my ID 16 of age. Got it 27.. and their excuse is that I didn't have a reason to get it anyway.. as everything goes in my life I asked for... I don't need what I think I need. I don't need to drive.. I don't need to work.. I don't need clothes- I'm fashion thirsty- I don't need to have fun.. I only need to do exactly what they wish. Which drives me crazy as it contrasts with the sacrifices they made themselves for us and everything that we gone through together..

I have to fight and argue and plead to get anything.. I was able to draw while I was furiously I could not, I could speak English as I please while it offended them, still-- they can't speak it--.. and it obviously the only way to express my shut off mind without their interference..

it feels I'm losing a chunk of myself each year nothing changes... And this year everything was tossed backwards so hard I'm constantly dipping into extreme depression.. not to mention how the whole world is suffering too...

Even if I found psychologist, it wouldn't do me any good, remaining under these conditions..

it pains me to share this but I can't see no more point to hide anything or act as if I'm okay..  specially if my art reflects it... It's what I'm able to offer for now.. and I'm so sorry... bless your days with fortune.. all of u..