#not only is Jonathan stealing his bestie but they have a lot more in common

[jonathanbyersphd]

Jonathan having to work at family video in s5 and that's part of why he and Robin become besties 🙏 (Steve is pouting in the corner with the cardboard cutout of Phoebe Cates)

[nightcolorz]

Poorly describing my versions of the Gotham rogues:

Joker: “yolo” in its most dangerous form, def is writing a slow burn enemies to loves fic about him and Batman. Gay and homophobic 💯 The other rogues don’t invite him to pride celebrations anymore cause he’ll keep calling people slurs “as a joke”. Him and Edward have longterm beef, like schoolgirl levels of petty drama.

Harley Quinn: would describe herself as a “girlboss” unironically while committing heinous crimes. tweeted “clowns aren’t funny” after breaking up with Joker (ended up causing a huge scandal). The OG “I can fix him” girl. Is sort of the rogues free underground therapist (god knows they need it) cause they can’t get professional help without being sent to Arkham.

Poison Ivy: Breaking News: Cottagecore lesbian commits mass murder cause her plant wilted. She’s what republicans think environmentalists are. Would get in a fist fight with that vegan teacher cause “plants have feelings too”. Has beef with most of the male rogues, supports ‘kill all men’ without realizing it’s a joke (she prefers ‘kill all humans’ but figured she had to downgrade because the Gotham city sirens are humans technically).

Cat Woman: “OH NO! It appears I’ve gotten stuck backwards in the bank vault step-Bat 😏😏😏😏😏😏, looks like I’m not stealing any more diamonds today 😰😩”. Mad respect for Selina, she just wants diamonds and bat dick, no tragic backstory or complex motivations needed. I personally like to headcanon her as wearing a straight up cat costume (ears and a tail like a true furry) cause it’s way funnier to imagine a sophisticated rich woman dressing up as a cat to steal shit than whatever bullshit DCs up to these days. Trans catgirl supremacy 💎👍

Scarecrow: That one guy who gets angry at people because “Halloween costumes are meant to be scary 🤬😡😑😒”. Doesn’t even attempt to express emotions, is the human embodiement of this emoji: 😐. His presence is more jarring than threatening, his intimidation levels are somehow underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. The other rogues have collectively decided that he’s asexual under no assumption other than that they don’t want to imagine Jonathan having sex. Overtime Jonathan has become basically fearless (he smokes his own fear gas like vape just to feel something). Jonathan and Harley became good friends when they both worked in Arkham, their dynamic is surprisingly wholesome.

The Riddler: Didn’t get hugged enough as a child and is now making it everyone’s problem. Would hold a bank hostage to show Batman his third grade spelling bee medal. Is the only autistic rogue that gets accommodations in Arkham because he won’t stop bugging the guards. FTM trans ofc (his names Edward Nygma for Christ's sake). He ran away from home at seventeen and faked his own death (his deadname is legally dead lmao). Uses the terms “alpha, beta, and omega male” unironically.

Two Face: “Yeah, I mean, I didn’t wanna blow up the orphanage either, but Y’know the coin said-” The other rogues talk to Harvey as if he’s constantly at his breaking point, which is half true. Harv is a stone cold mf, he’s the rock that’s holding Two Face together tbh. Edward calls Harvey and Harv Jekyll and Hyde cause he’s that original. All the rogues have at least a sneaking suspicion that Bruce Wayne is batman and use Harvey as their little primary source (being ex besties and everything), until they find out Selina and Bruce are a thing of course. No matter how much evidence he’s faced with Harvey will never accept Bruce Wayne is batmam, he’s not ready to consider that one of the only positive people in his life has been duking it out with him this whole time.

Penguin: He’s the rest of the rogues chill gay gangster uncle I don’t make the rules. The iceberg lounge is like the Batman villain equivalent of The Central Perk from friends (aka: its their default place to hangout). Oswald always makes a fuss about them not making reservations ahead of them but at this point it’s just performative. Everyone’s 99% sure Oswald and Edward fucked at some point (Edward always makes a show of flustering Oswald when he needs a loan). Ossie always takes care of the others belongings when they’re in Arkham (he has a special place in his heart for Jonathan‘s crows).

The Mad Hatter: I love Jervis lmao he just really likes Alice in Wonderland and that’s a valid ass villain motivation 👍. One of the smartest rogues but doesn’t get enough credit because of how childish he is. He dresses in kids clothes, not just because he wants to but because he’s small af and can’t fit in shit. In public while the rogues are undercover Jervis usually wears a beanie or a baseball cap (he’d get spotted instantly if he wore his usual, but on bad days Jervis can’t bear to be without a hat). Jonathan and Jervis play chess a lot together in Arkham, and frequently engage in intellectual discussion, Edward tends to be a piss baby when Jon encourages him to do the same, he’s not ready to accept the reality that Jervis can match his intelligence.

Killer Croc: Waylon has a surprising amount in common with Jonathan, they share southern solidarity. He doesn’t travel out of the sewer often so the rogues will occasionally come to visit Waylon there (Edward always makes sure to complain loudly about the smell). Will show immense affection and loyalty to anyone who treats him as human (poor guy just needs a friend ☹️).

Mr Freeze: Literally just dead inside, someone give this poor bastard a hug. Victor stands as the most awkward rogue, he‘s sorta like the odd one out. The other rogues don’t interact with him that often because he’s sort of a party pooper. He’s the straight friend on thin ice, haha get it. Mr Freeze is my sisters favorite Batman villain because she thought the ice puns were funny in Batman in Robin, little does she know I’m embarrassing myself on tumblr in her glory.

Music Meister: So many of the Gotham rogues have horrible childhood trauma and Music Meister is just like “people bullied me for being a theater kid 😩😭💔😔”. In all honesty he’s iconic, in my au universe thingy I have him join the dork squad latter on and he sticks out like a sore thumb for a bit. I feel like him and Jervis would really hit it off though (mind control buddies, ha), although Jervis would always get him to sing Alice in Wonderland songs. In Arkham they have him wear a dog collar thingy and zap him when he sings, he gets bullied for that lol. anyways I’m sure I could make more of these, but it’s 2:20 am and my mind went blank. If y’all liked this I could always put more au headcanons out (I have A LOT)

[tabloidtoc]

OK, May 4

Cover: Pierce Brosnan love after tragedy 

Page 1: Big Pic -- Sarah Silverman out on the fire escape of her Manhattan apartment to bang pots and pans and cheer to show appreciation for our health care workers, grocery store workers and delivery people 

Page 2: Contents

Page 3: Contents 

Page 4: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle take the reins -- inside the couple’s new life in the States and their plans to become the King and Queen of L.A. 

Page 6: After a fall from grace Amanda Bynes is slowly but steadily picking up the pieces and she’s ready to share her story in a no-holds-barred TV interview 

Page 7: Cooped up with her family in their rural Montana ranch is a lot more work than Kelly Clarkson anticipated and she’s not as cut out for the country as she thought, now that Bindi Irwin’s a married woman she’s determined to find mom Terri Irwin the perfect man, although former besties Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez have drifted apart over the years Selena praised Demi for her emotional performance at the Grammy’s but Demi wasn’t pleased because she thought Selena’s comments were patronizing and didn’t appreciate Selena stealing her spotlight -- a common theme throughout their messy friendship 

Page 8: Though Caitlyn Jenner and son Brandon Jenner are now closer than ever Brandon revealed he didn’t see his father more than half a dozen times between the ages of 8 and 25, rumors are heating up that One Direction -- who went on hiatus in 2016 to pursue solo careers -- are planning a comeback, due to the health crisis Princess Beatrice and fiance Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi have been forced to cancel their nuptials for the third time and she feels she would have been happily married by now if it hadn’t been for her father Prince Andrew’s scandal 

Page 12: Who Wore It Better? Madeline Brewer vs. Katherine McNamara, Lake Bell vs. Zara Larsson 

Page 13: Cobie Smulders vs. Zanna Roberts Rassi 

Page 14: News in Photos -- Brooke Burke stepped out with her dog, Justin Theroux had a sit-down dinner with his dog Kuma 

Page 15: Amy Schumer showed off son Gene on WWHL, Jillian Michaels and her kids Phoenix and Lukensia and girlfriend Deshanna Minuto, Chris Martin 

Page 16: Kaley Cuoco and a new piglet, Nina Dobrev, Mindy Kaling 

Page 18: Gwen Stefani and Blake Sheldon, Jennifer Garner and daughter Violet, Sam Smith 

Page 19: Cara Delevingne, Joel Kinnaman and girlfriend Kelly Gale walk his dog, Jonathan Scott and girlfriend Zooey Deschanel 

Page 20: Dua Lipa, Kelly Bensimon and her dog Fluffy, Jenna Dewan and Steve Kazee and kids and one of their two dogs

Page 21: Jessica Simpson in bunny ears with husband Eric Johnson and kids Maxwell and Birdie and Ace, Elizabeth Olsen and fiance Robbie Arnett take a walk in the Hollywood Hills 

Page 22: Kristin Chenoweth and Josh Bryant, Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla, Sean Penn 

Page 23: Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are on the move yet again 

Page 24: Inside My Home -- Danica Patrick and Aaron Rodgers’ beachside estate 

Page 26: Pink’s life flashed before her eyes in March when she tested positive for Covid-19 but now that she’s healthy again she’s telling friends that the roller-coaster health crisis actually brought her and husband Carey Hart closer together 

Page 27: While Sofia Richie has insisted the 15-year age difference between herself and Scott Disick doesn’t bother her it’s finally catching up with to them now that Scott has baby fever and Sofia’s adamant she’s too young to be a mom, Shawn Mendes is currently bunking with girlfriend Camila Cabello and her family amid the health crisis but they’ll be looking for their own place once everything returns to normal, Anna Faris and Michael Barrett still intend to get married by the summer -- they’ll have a small ceremony in May or June with a witness present and everyone else can watch it on live feed

Page 28: Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez were set to exchange vows in Italy this summer but she revealed they’re rescheduling the big day due to the global health crisis, George and Amal Clooney are stepping on each other’s toes while quarantined in their California crib, Love Bites: Chris Soules and Victoria Fuller dating, Will Forte and Olivia Modling engaged, Ciara and Russell Wilson will be having a boy 

Page 29: Kate Beckinsale is spending her days with baby-faced musician Goody Grace and it doesn’t faze either of them that Goody is only a year older than her daughter Lily, living in isolation is helping Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake heal their once rocky marriage 

Page 30: Cover Story -- Pierce Brosnan and Keely Shaye Smith’s amazing love story -- from overcoming unthinkable loss to planning a romantic vow renewal inside the 26-year romance of Pierce and Keely 

Page 34: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt making peace - more than three years after calling it quits Brad and Angie are finally quashing their beef face-to-face 

Page 36: Men of Country -- inside their private world -- Keith Urban, Blake Shelton 

Page 37: Luke Bryan, Tim McGraw, Garth Brooks 

Page 38: Quarantine with the Kids -- celeb moms show how it’s done from crowd-pleasing dinners to kid-friendly activities -- Hilaria Baldwin, Busy Philipps, Reese Witherspoon 

Page 39: Chrissy Teigen, Joanna Gaines, Kim Kardashian, Gwyneth Paltrow 

Page 40: Danica McKellar loves being a mom 

Page 42: How Padma Lakshmi managed to stay in such great shape after more than a decade on Top Chef 

Page 46: Style Week -- Hailey Bieber joined Dr. Barbara Sturm the aesthetics doctor and inventor of the vampire facial for an online Skin School hosted by YouTube

Page 49: Spotlight Ingedient: Celery -- Jenna Dewan 

Page 54: Entertainment 

Page 55: Books 

Page 58: Tom Hardy’s total transformation into Al Capone for the upcoming biopic Capone

Page 60: Sound Bites -- Chris Harrison on the contestants competing on the Bachelor spinoff Listen to Your Heart, Gal Gadot on what she misses about her home country, Joaquin Phoenix on preparing for a new movie role, Kanye West on his clothing line, Olivia Munn when asked if she has a dream wedding in mind, Kate Bosworth on falling in love with her husband director Michael Polish on the set of Big Sur 

Page 61: Hollywood Heat Meter -- Paris Jackson is set to play Jesus in the upcoming thriller Habit, Alex Trebek will release his own memoir in July, after fans called out Michael Buble for elbowing his wife Luisana defended him, Princess Anne seemingly shaded Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Hannah Brown says she’s still single 

Page 62: Horoscope -- Taurus Penelope Cruz 

Page 64: By the Numbers -- Eva Mendes