#not that puberty is the same as getting turned into a fucking rat or whatever

[comfymoth]

On that note, what were your thoughts on Coraline? Specially on that scene where the beldam counts down from 3 as she transforms into her true form.

Because to me, it made me realize that I love horror movies and their concepts, and what I didn't like of other specific transformation scenes was that they were... too real to me? Like they made me think about "if people could really be turned into animals how horrible would it be to leave every single thing you know about life behind and never get to do the human things you like and nobody knowing that something unnatural happened to you, they'd just see a weird dog or cow or chicken" and that was too terrifying of a thought to me

that specific scene didn’t really bother me the same way! i thought it was scary, sure, but that’s just because the beldam looks scary. a monster turning into a monster because they’ve always been one didn’t make me queasy the way other stuff did. she’s choosing to change shapes, no one else is making her, and it’s one she seems to like!

like you said, a part of it for me was being so upset at the idea of losing your original life and not being able to go back, being separated from people or just not being recognized at all. i really didn’t like the idea that it might be painful, or embarrassing, or that you could have absolutely no control over what was happening. the loss of control was HUGE for me.

in a weird way that’s probably what drew little kid me to werewolves though. because they do have to go through all of that, but in the end they can change back. and they don’t have to be alone because of it, you know, wolves are such social animals, it doesn’t have to be completely isolating. and also wolves are just fucking cool!!! so it was a way to explore all of that discomfort without it being so horribly overwhelming. it was cathartic!

and now i’m just Like This. so. haha. oops?

[sunmoonandeddie]

i don’t need a roof

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

word count: 3,496

summary: Bucky thinks he’s running out of time, and needs to make sure his girl knows she’s taken care.

warnings: Bad words, almost death

a/n:  So this was inspired by this song from Big Fish the Musical.  There are lyrics from the song in the dialogue.  Also, this is the brownstone they were talking about.  Also I’m so sorry if this hurts, but there is a happy ending.

Bucky was cold.  In all the time that you’d known him (three years and four months, actually), he’d never once been cold.  He’d always been your own personal space heater, even before the two of you started dating.

But as you held him in your arms, his head on your chest, you were struck with the fact that he was cold.

The HYDRA agents that were holding you had injected him with something a few days ago, some glowing liquid that made a weight appear in the pit of your stomach.  But you could only watch as they injected it into his bloodstream.  You were too weak to do anything, too weak to protect the love of your life.

When the agent holding you had let you go, letting your kneecaps hit the concrete floor with a thud, you’d rushed to him, holding him as close as you could.

You’d never seen him in so much physical pain.  The super soldier serum was trying it’s best to keep up with whatever he’d been injected with, but it was like it set his blood on fire.

“I’m so sorry,” you whispered as you rocked him back and forth, your head resting on top of his.  You didn’t realize you were crying until you tasted the saltiness of your tears on your lips.  It was all your fault.  You were the reason that you two got captured, and had been held in this cell for at least a week.

At least they hadn’t separated you.  You would’ve gone absolutely feral if they had even tried that, not to mention what Bucky would have done.

“Agent Twelve, on your right!  Incoming!”

You turned to see a HYDRA agent with his knife in hand, ready to strike.  You waited for just a second for him to get close enough, before ducking and sweeping out his legs in the same motion, catching his own knife in your hand and shoving it into his throat.  “Got him,” you said, yanking the knife out with a wince.

The sound of someone choking on their own blood as they died was never one you could get used to.

This was supposed to be an in and out mission.  An hour or two, tops, with minimal fighting.

But your intel was wrong, and you’d been led into the trap.

It felt like with every agent you took down, two more appeared.  They kept multiplying, like bunnies.

“No, not like bunnies,” you mused to yourself as you fought off two more agents.  “I like bunnies.  These guys—”  You grunted as you wrapped your legs around one of the guy’s heads, squeezing and twisting just as Natasha taught you to do.  “These guys are fuckin’ rats!”

You could hear Bucky snorting on the commlink, and spotted him shaking his head in amusement as he took down three separate agents at once across the airfield you two were currently fighting on.

God, your man was fucking hot.

An entire year, eleven months, and twenty-four days together, and he still made you sweat like a teenager going through puberty anytime you saw him.

Which reminded you.  You had your two-year anniversary in, like, six days.  You knew that he definitely had something special planned, the secret romantic that he was.  Fuck, you needed something to do for him.  Despite the fact that he always said you didn’t have to, you wanted to.  You wanted to make your man feel just as special as he made you feel.

Flowers.  You could start with flowers.  People were always so surprised to find that your boyfriend loved flowers, but he did.  It was sweet.  His absolute favorites were pink begonias, since they reminded him of his mother’s garden.  Well, the flower box she kept on the window sill, since they didn’t have the space or money for a full garden.

What else?  You couldn’t just get him flowers.  Two years was a big deal!  Especially considering the kind of people you two were!  The both of you were stubborn as an ox and lacked communication skills.  You were both used to doing things on your own, and dealing with issues without asking for help.

But that doesn’t work in a relationship.

You knew a lot of people thought you wouldn’t make it a month, and they were almost right since you two had your first fight at three weeks and a day, but then something happened.

Bucky stopped in the middle of the fight, running his fingers through his hair with a sigh came from his bones, and said, “I’m not doing this.  I love you too much to let something as stupid as this ruin us.”

It had been the first time he’d said ‘I love you.’

And you hadn’t heard him at first and kept yelling, before abruptly stopping and staring at him like he’d grown two heads.  “I’m sorry.  What?  You…  You love me?”

And he’d simply nodded, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I…  I love you, too,” you said, clearing your throat as you shuffled your feet.

After that, you two decided to go see Donna, a couple’s therapist.  You were both already going to therapy separately, but going together was an entirely new ball game.

And it worked.  Sure, it wasn’t always smooth sailing, but it wasn’t like you were screaming and shouting at each other.  You handled your problems like a team, because that’s what you were.

You could always get one of those little USO showgirl uniforms…  As much as you hated Amazon, their Prime feature really was a godsend for times like these.

Or maybe you could pay a shit ton of money for someone to make it in five days or less, since you had money now.  It’d be worth it, and there were thousands upon thousands of costume designers and seamstresses in New York City, the world capital of theatre.

And you still had that red lingerie he loved so much that you could wear underneath it…

“TWELVE!”

You shook yourself out of your daze just in time for a HYDRA agent to plunge a needle into your neck, black quickly overtaking your vision as you passed out.

“I’m so sorry,” you gasped out as you held Bucky that much closer.  It hadn’t been hard for you to connect the dots once you’d woken up in the tiny concrete room, a steel door being the only way out.  Bucky had been captured because he’d been trying to save your ass.

He grunted as he moved, his eyes squeezing shut in pain.  “It ain’t your fault, baby doll,” he said, his hand grasping onto your forearm.  “Stop blaming yourself.”  He leaned his head slightly to the side so he could look at you, reaching up to wipe your tears.  “Wipe that frown off your pretty face.  ‘M right here.”

“Yeah, but—”  You were cut off by him placing a finger over your mouth.

He took a deep breath before he spoke, his face pale.  “Now, baby doll…  I need you to listen real good, okay?”  He waited for you to squeeze his hand in confirmation.  “There’s a brownstone at 154 Hicks Street, Brooklyn,” he said, wincing with the effort it took to talk.  “Now, I know it’s in Brooklyn, and you love Manhattan, but—”

Brows furrowed, you cupped his cheek in your hand.  “Brooklyn is just fine, but what are you talking about?”

You could visibly see the cogs turning in his head as he carefully chose his words.  “I already paid for it in full, so no need to worry about that.  Sam knows where the keys are.  And—”

“Wait, wait, wait,” you said, cutting him off.  “Why are you talking like this?”

His flesh hand reached up and cupped your chin, his thumb running over your bottom lip.  “You always said you’ve never had a home, but you wouldn’t mind having one with me,” he said, his voice barely audible.  “So I got you one.  It’s got a garden and everything, so you can plant flowers and... and a peach tree.  ‘Cause I know just how much you like peaches.”

“Then stop talking about Sam knowing where the keys are,” you chided.  “You can show me the garden yourself.”  You knew where he was going with this, but you didn’t want him to.  You didn’t want him to say it, because then that might make it real.

“Baby doll, I don’t think I’m gonna make it out of here,” he said as gently as possible, his voice cracking.  “So you gotta listen to me.  It’s all paid for.  Every penny.  The papers are in my desk in our room, the second drawer from the top.”  He took in a shaky breath, trying to hide the pain.  “There’s a ring there, too.  It’s yours, but I thought you might wanna live together for at least six months before I popped the question on ya.”

“Stop it,” you said, leaning your forehead against his.  “You can propose whenever you want, but you gotta stop talking like that.”  Your nose nudged against his as you tried to hold back a fresh wave of tears, though you were quickly finding that was impossible.  “Stop talking like you’re not getting out of here, too.  We’re gonna make it out of here, okay?  And then you can show me the brownstone with the garden in Brooklyn.  So stop talking like you’re going to die because you’re not.”

“My stubborn girl,” he said with a weak laugh, his smile watery.  “I got you a home.  For our two year anniversary, which...”  His brows furrowed, his head cocking to the side a little.  “I think it was four days ago?”

Sniffling, you grabbed his face a little tighter, leaning back so you could look in his eyes.  “Don’t you get it?  You’re my home.”  Letting out a huff, you wiped a tear from his face.  “In your face, I see a lifetime.  In this place…”  You pressed your hand to his heart, feeling the slow but steady beat under your palm, through his thin white undershirt.  “I feel at ease.”

He looked at you like he wanted to interject, but didn’t, his lower lip caught between his teeth.

“Wallpaper peeling, paint wearing thin,” you said, teasing him a little about his age like you always did.  “Here’s where I end and begin.”  In his eyes, you could see all the trouble of his past, swirling in those brilliant blue depths.  “I don’t need a roof to say, ‘I’m covered.’  I don’t need a roof to know I’m home.”  You curled up on his chest, right where your hand had been.  It was much nicer to be able to hear it as well as feel it.  If you closed your eyes, you could imagine you were in your bed at the Tower, going to bed together like any other night.  “There could be a single shingle dangling overhead.  I don’t need a roof to make my bed.”  Fingers running up and down his flesh arm, you tried to get him to relax.  “Close your eyes, I’m still beside you.  No goodbyes needed today.”

Thunder cracked outside, and if you listened close enough, you could hear the soft pitter patter on the roof.  His breathing was starting to even out, and you didn’t know if it was because he was calming down or if he was actually starting to go.

“Hear what the rain says, know what it knows.  After the rain, something grows.”  Your fingers intertwined with his as tears ran slowly down your cheeks, and you squeezed softly.  His metal arm wrapped around your waist, holding you between his legs.  “I don’t need a roof to say, ‘I love you.’  I don’t need a roof to call you mine.”

If you got out of this, you were retiring, and you’d make him retire, too.  You wanted to live a life with him without worrying about possibly dying before you got a chance to see him go gray.

If you had children, you wanted to be alive to see them grow up.

You’d give up being an agent.  You’d become just a consultant, or you’d give that up, too.  You didn’t care.  You’d just be Mrs. Barnes for the rest of your life, and you’d be perfectly happy with that.

“I don’t need adventure in some far away frontier.  I don’t need a roof to feel you near,” you said, starting to get choked up.

He was definitely fading.  His vibranium arm around your waist was starting to go limp, his grip on your hand loosening.

A lump formed in your throat as you clutched onto him that much tighter.  “All I need is you and you forever.  All I feel is true and absolute.”  You leaned back, holding his face in your hand.

His blue eyes fluttered open as he tried to stay awake for you, tried to fight the darkness overcoming him.

Your lower lip wobbled as you ran your thumb over a cut on his cheek bone.  “I don’t need a legal deed to help me play my part.  I don’t need a roof to hold my heart.”  You leaned in and pressed your lips to his.  “Stay with me,” you whispered against his lips, desperately.  You could taste the mix of your tears and his.  “Stay with me.”

But god, he was in so much pain.  You could see it in his face, feel it in the way his grip on your hand readjusted, like it was taking up all of his energy just to hold on.

It probably was.

Swallowing down the sob that was threatening to come out, you said, “It’s okay, Bucky.  It’s okay.  I’m here.”  You pulled his head to your chest, so he could hear your heartbeat in return.  Your fingers worked their way through his tangled hair.  “You’re my home, Bucky.  It’s you.  Please, stay with me.”  But you knew he was close to the end, and the likelihood of him making it out of there was getting smaller and smaller with each passing second.  “I’m here, love.  I’m here.”

Your mouth opened in a silent sob as you felt him go still, your nails unintentionally digging into his arms.  Small puffs of air were still coming from his nose, but his heart was maybe going at five beats per minute, if that.  Your body shook as you rocked him back and forth, unable to let go.

The love of your life was leaving you.  You were feeling him slip away in your arms.

“Bucky?” You whispered, almost afraid to speak at all.  “Baby?  Bucky, please…  Please, stay with me.”  Your voice cracked as you buried your face in his greasy hair.

You didn’t want a brownstone or a ring if you didn’t have Bucky.  You didn’t want anything if you didn’t have him.

You squeezed your eyes shut, kissing his hair.  “I love you.  I love you.  Please, Bucky.  Please.”

The faint sound of footsteps approaching the door made you raise your head, and you steeled yourself, ready to fight back against the HYDRA agents that had no doubt been watching the two of you.  The monsters were just waiting for him to die, and then they were going to take him from you.

Not if you had anything to say about it.

You tightened your grip around him, not bothering to hide your tears.  There was no point.  A lack of tears wouldn’t help you.

The footsteps stopped outside the door, and there was a pause.

Then it blasted open with a bang that startled both you and Bucky, who’s heart rate picked up just a little bit at the sound.

You cried out with relief as you saw Tony standing there in his full Iron Man suit.  “TONY, HELP HIM, PLEASE!” You begged, urging him to take Bucky from your arms.  “HELP HIM!”  Sobs wracked your body as the man nodded, taking him without hesitation, and getting out of there.

Despite their past, Tony loved you, and had learned to love the super soldier by extension.

You sat on your knees, your forehead resting against the ground.  “Please, please, save him,” you cried, your nails dragging painfully against the concrete floor.  Your heart was in absolute shreds.

You had no idea who you were praying to, or even if you were praying at all.  You didn’t know if he could be saved at this point, but you were willing to ask every deity you could think of.

“Twelve?  Twelve, come on.”

Strong hands gently pulled you up, and you found Natasha guiding you towards the door.  “You have to help him, Natasha,” you croaked, dazed and stumbling over your own two feet as you walked forward.  “You have to save him.”

“I know,” she said quietly, her own voice thick with tears as she held you up, making sure you didn’t collapse in the middle of a HYDRA base.  “We’re gonna try, okay?  It’ll all be okay.”

You weren’t able to go to the brownstone with the garden in Brooklyn for three weeks.

You couldn’t leave Bucky’s side.

Tony had gotten him to New York City in record time, and had immediately thrown him into Doctor Cho’s cradle.

He was in there for thirteen days straight as his body fought the new serum, the cradle being the only thing keeping him alive.  It kept his heart and other organs working, his brain functioning.

After two days of you sitting in a chair by the cradle, unable to do anything else but wait, someone wheeled in a hospital bed for you to sleep on.  You’d actually been asleep when he woke up.

And then, when you finally did wake up, the first thing he said to you, his voice muffled by the glass, was, “How long has it been since you showered?  You smell worse than Sam after the gym.”

The absolute asshole.  He almost died and he had the nerve to get onto you about how much you smelled.

It had taken everything in you not to throw yourself at him.  You scrambled off the bed, clinging to the side of the cradle as you looked down at him, frantically hitting the button to get the lid off.  “Bucky,” you said, reaching down to touch his face.  You almost pulled it back, afraid that if you touched him, he’d disappear.

But he simply pushed himself up onto his elbows with a wince, leaning his face into your hand.

“You almost died,” you said, letting out a weak laugh as you rested your chin on the edge of the cradle.

He looked up at you then, his blue eyes just as bright as they always had been, even if they looked a little pained at seeing you such a wreck.  “We’re gonna have to talk to Donna about that, huh?”

A little over a week later, and he was cleared to go home with you.  He was still weak—that serum did take a lot out of him—but he was alive.  And according to every single doctor Tony brought in, there was no chance of him just dropping dead now.

And if they were wrong about that, they’d have you to deal with.  And they all knew that the new Mrs. Barnes was no one to trifle with.

“You got it, baby doll?” Bucky asked as he followed you up the front steps.  He had to take it easy, and you told him that he should consider getting a cane since it was still a little difficult for him to walk.

You were only half kidding about that, though.  They still didn’t know if he still had the original super soldier serum in him after what HYDRA had done, but he was slowly gaining his strength back.  Either way, you didn’t care.  You’d love him with or without his super strength.

“Yeah, I got it,” you said as you slid the shiny gold key into the lock, turning it and opening the door.

The U-Haul truck was sitting on the street, waiting for you two to carry all of your boxes in, but that could wait.

You walked into the front foyer, taking in a deep breath.  It was completely bare, but the furniture that you two had ordered while sitting in his hospital room together was in the U-Haul as well, ready to be arranged.  Sun was streaming in through the large windows, giving a warmth to the house that you couldn’t find at Tower.

“Welcome home, baby doll,” Bucky said as he came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist.  His chin rested on your shoulder, and he pressed a lingering kiss to your cheek.

Your eyes pricked with tears as your hands grasped his forearms, making sure he was there with you.  A large diamond ring glittered in the late morning light on your left hand.  “Welcome home, Bucky.”

[purplesurveys]

1277

Who are you most nervous about introducing potential significant others to?  Ooooh moving forward, probably Angela hahahaha I have no idea how I’d break it to her if ever I do start seeing somebody again. She’s well aware of all the shit that I let slide so she might get intense with the scrutineering.

What is the most exciting thing about your life right now?  Just the fact that I feel on top of the world these days. My days of being depressed and picking at my insecurities seem to be far behind me and the change has looked to be apparent coming from friends who’ve told me I seem happier, louder these days.

What was the most important non-academic thing you learned in high school?  To not be scared to fight harder for the things you believe in or what make up your identity, coming from having to hide a same-sex relationship during that period. That feeling of being constricted and having to hide to stay on some conservative seniors’ good graces really pissed me off so high school was really crucial in letting me discover just how much I’d be willing to fight and test the waters to be able to live as me.

Have you ever had a job that deeply affected your personal life? How so and do you still work there?  Hmm no, not really. If anything my job is one of the things that helped make me a lot livelier and happier.

Do you have a “one who got away”?  It felt that way at the start when my view was still skewed, but it didn’t take long until I realized she was not a loss at all.

If you were in a superhero movie, would you be the hero or the villain? Hero.

If you found a mouse in your house, would you be frightened?  Mice or rats are the literal worst fucking thing I could see in my house. I definitely see myself making a big deal out of it lmao, especially rats.

Have you ever tried to perform magic tricks?  Nobody ever taught me, so no.

Can you do more with a yo-yo than just "go up and down"? Nah, which kinda makes me feel ashamed because considering it was a Filipino who invented the modern yo-yo, I feel like it should be my responsibility to know a few tricks LOL.

What is one form of technology that you wouldn't be able to live without?  Instant messenger.

Did you get an allowance, growing up? Why or why not?  Starting high school. Before that I was living in our family’s duplex, so my grandma could make packed meals for all of us – not to mention the fact that my parents were also still on their way to establishing themselves at their respective workplaces so we weren’t all that well-off yet. 

When we moved into our own place, we started with my mom making our meals but eventually it just proved to be time-consuming and a lot of work considering she also had a job to go to. With that and the fact that both my parents at that point already got a couple of promotions, we switched to allowance.

Would you rather go to a water park or an amusement park? Why?  Amusement parks though I would only probably head to the safer rides and food stalls with all the deep-fried offerings haha. I cannot handle more intense rides. On the other hand, water parks have always sounded nasty to me.

What is one instrument you wouldn't mind learning how to play?  Piano.

What's the longest amount of time you've had to wait in line for something?  The stupid LTO, because you can never count on government agencies to be efficient. Technically my whole time in there took a couple of stages, but all in all I spent eight hours there.

What is something that you would like to learn more about?  Korean. I just graduated from my Basic Korean 1 class but I already have plans to enroll in the following course, since I seemed to do well and I want to keep the momentum going.

What is something that one of your family member collects?  Mom has a large collection of chef-themed figurines and other sorts of trinkets like a chef timer, shot glasses, etc - but mostly the figurines - that she has displayed in a glass case. I should keep that in mind for when I start Christmas shopping, actually...she hasn’t updated that collection in a long time. Thanks for the idea!

Have you ever moved to a new school before? If so, how did it feel?  No, not in the middle of the same period since I went to the same school from kinder to high school for 14 years. I only “moved” when I started college. Like I’ve said in previous surveys, it felt freeing to finally not under be the hands of an environment ran by...well, Catholics. It was a culture shock to see rallies everywhere, to find out I could wear short shorts or even go to school naked if I wanted to, and to see boys in my class (I went to an all-girls), but it was all the good kind of shock.

Have you ever legitimately forgotten to do homework?  Always, because I never wrote them down.

Do you enjoy autumn leaves or spring flowers more? Why?  I experience neither season.

Depending on where you live, why might a day of school get canceled? Typhoon.

If you could meet any fictional character from a book, who would it be? Melanie Hamilton from Gone with the World.

What are some common places that people tour when they come to your city?  I rarely see foreigners here since my area isn’t particularly known for tourism; most go to the island provinces like Cebu, Aklan, Palawan, etc. If I had to recommend spots here, I’d tell them to go for Pinto and maybe the rooftop bars that offer a view of Manila’s skyline. 

What's one food that you did not enjoy as a child, but do as an adult?  Chicken curry, which I used to dread.

Would you rather have a mermaid tail, a fairy's wings or a unicorn's horn? I guess the wings just because I feel like it’s the only practical one.

What is an animal that you'd like to have as a pet but it's not allowed?  I don’t think that way about animals I can’t keep as pets anyway.

What are some things that you do to make the world a better place?  I always clean up at restaurants (my mom doesn’t understand why I do it because “the servers are here for a reason, Robyn”) but I always see the relief on their faces when they see I’ve stacked up the plates and cups so I don’t see a reason to stop doing it. I keep the door open for people who happen to enter/exit a building the same time as me, share dog adoption posts, don’t make a fuss about or towards a shop staff who messes up...things like that. I hope it’s able to help, even if just in a small way.

Has the last person you had sex with ever had sex with someone besides you?  I don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has already.

What’s your favorite store at your mall?  We have several malls within the vicinity but I like frequenting NCAT.

Have you ever done a workout DVD?  No but my mom is fond of those.

Who usually takes out the trash in your family?  Either of my parents.

What song are you currently obsessed with?  My Universe is soooooo good. It’s Coldplay’s classic sound but they somehow managed to perfectly blend in BTS’ style as well, so I love how it turned out.

When you go fishing, do you make someone else get the fish off the hook?  I've never gone fishing.

Do you take any prescription meds?  Nope.

What happens if you don’t take them?  Who was the last person you dreamt about?  My dad.

Do you prefer your tea sweetened or unsweetened?  Sweetened, though I don’t usually actively look for iced tea. I’d have it if it was served, but I don’t typically order it for myself.

How often do you honk your horn?  As long as I am annoyed, which gives my mom a mini heart attack every time because she insists I just let people have their way to avoid getting into fights. Sometimes when she’s driving and someone’s being stupid on the road I lurch forward to do the honking for her and it pisses her off soooooooooo much but it also gets the job done so *shrug*

Do you have any children? If so, names and ages? I don’t.

Have your parents ever witnessed you doing something inappropriate? What?  TMI but I almost got caught doing the m-word once but my reflexes were at lightning speed that day so when my door opened I was able to fix myself up and appear as though nothing was happening lol. My mom also saw a hickey on me once but I was able to veer the conversation away when she started inquiring.

Did you get babysat a lot as a kid?  No, I did the babysitting.

If you were the principal of a school, what would you do differently? Actually deal with teachers who mistreat or make issues towards their students. I had several teachers I know didn’t like me but I could never do anything about it because there was no way in hell the school was going to take my side.

Are you doing anything fun tomorrow?  Continued from yesterday. If I took this question yesterday to refer to today I would’ve answered yes because we actually have a really fun PR stunt scheduled for execution today, wherein we get to sponsor someone’s whole wedding from food to flowers to the host and fillm crew :D :D But tomorrow is just Monday so the real answer to this is no.

What is something you'd like to receive as a housewarming gift?  I dunno the usual housewarming gifts, but I would appreciate anything practical, or anything that you’ll need at the least expected times, like batteries or even like Sticky Tack.

How old were you when you first experienced the effects of puberty?  Oooh I was an early bird – I was 9 when I could first tell my first period was on its way; it came a month after I turned 10.

What is your least favorite holiday, and why?  I don’t dislike any holiday because they all mean a day off work lol.

What were some outdoor games you played as a child?  We usually played piko (hopscotch), our local version of freeze tag that we dubbed “Ice ice water” for whatever reason, and a garter game that we call 10-20. Dodgeball was a favorite during recess and lunch, too.

Did you accompany your parents on "Take Your Child to Work" Day? That’s not observed here, but my mom did use to take me and my siblings to her first workplace. Are cemeteries peaceful to you, or do they freak you out?  They’re actually more interesting to me than anything else. I like learning about the different lives of many different people, even if I only technically know them by their birthday and date of death. Sometimes the inscriptions would be more detailed and tell more about their life, sometimes I’d come across babies who only lived a few days...and it’s just interesting to have those glimpses into life.

Which ancient civilization would you be interested in learning more about?  Filipino, because Western colonization destroyed proof of most of it. 

Do you have better long-term memory or short-term memory?  Long.

What was the last situation that made you cry? Describe.  I cried this morning. Nothing bad or heavy, I just found myself thinking again about my mental state last year.

Which forest animal would you be most afraid to encounter?  Anything that wouldn’t hesitate to tear my limbs apart.

Do you believe in anything supernatural? (ie: spirits, etc)  No.

Has anyone close to you ever gone to war?  No. The closest link I have to the military, other than my dead great-grandfather, is Angela’s uncle who’s like a general or like a colonel or something, idk titles.

Have you ever experienced altitude sickness?  Yeah, occasionally. Pressure in the ear is a bigger nuisance to me, though.

Is there anything, any event, you wish you could remember more clearly?  The last time I saw my grandfather. My only clear memory of him that day was stepping out of the house to leave (my mom and I were visiting) and him sending me off with the message to always be kind and good. If I had known I would never see him again, I never would’ve left.

Have you ever rubbed anyone’s feet?  Hmm no, not that I can recall.

If you had to get advice from someone of the opposite sex, who would you go to?  I’d go to Hans for certain advice, but not for every single situation. He’s the only person that comes to mind.

What was the last new food/drink that you tried?  So last Wednesday I finally got to try this Instagram-based doughnut shop that I’ve been eyeing since August and it turned out to be even MUCH BETTER THAN EXPECTEDDDDDD. Like yeah their photos were always mouthwatering but I didn’t expect it to taste as good as it looks, since most pretty food I’ve encountered usually end up just tasting meh. Anywho, I got two orders of their sampler box and they served me their specialty bacon doughnut, signature brown butter, and a bunch of their chocolate and peanut butter variants and I loved every single fucking thing.

Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better?  Oh it’s hard to tell, it’s only 9:05 AM. Both days might be uneventful, though.

Have you ever played Sudoku?  I don’t actually get how to play it hahaha. I feel like I’m too stupid for sudoku.

Do you ever take surveys for money?  I tried it last year when applying for jobs was still a bitch for me, but the thing is most of those surveys look for employed participants so there was rarely ever a survey that fit me anyway.

Do you like Barbie or Bratz better?  Bratz.

Do you prefer purple or green grapes?  I don’t like grapes.

Who was the last person that made you laugh?  Idk, probs one of the boys since I was watching videos of them earlier today.

Where does your best friend live?  A nearby city.

Who did you last confide in?  Angela.

Does your car have an alarm?  Sure.

Where was your mom born?  Somewhere in Metro Manila.

What can always make you feel better no matter what?  My dogs.

What is something you’ll never eat again? Why?  I don’t think there is anything. I feel like I’m always bound to retry things and that I would be open to doing so, even fruits. One thing I’m firm about never drinking again, though, is coconut water. Get that SHIT away from me.

What is currently happening that is scaring you?  I’m not feeling scared these days.

Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say?  Probably. But nothing sticks out.

[mikasaessucasaa]

Title: Why do I love you, who doesn’t love me

Summary: Before Peter and Michelle, there was Peter and Gwen, and Michelle had never been jealous of anyone the way she was jealous of Peter.

OR

Michelle and Peter find comfort in each other after the death of the woman they loved

A/N: Title from I Can’t Make You Love Me by KINDA BLUE & Hwa Sa

PART 1

Gwen is the most amazing person that Michelle has ever met and will ever meet. She exudes all that is good in the world. Michelle will never have that kind of goodness in her, will never be as bright and smart, will never be petite and blonde and unawkwardly beautiful. She hates her. She wants to be her. She loves her.

In short, Michelle thought the sun came out of Gwen’s ass.

But there were two problems with Michelle loving Gwen.

The first is that Gwen only thought of her as a friend.

This was made most obvious when Gwen accidentally walked in on Felicia fucking her within an inch of her life with her fingers in a bathroom at a random house party.

It was the first party of their senior year of college, and she had just met Felicia, who was cooler and older and crashing the party to see some friends.

Felicia and Michelle were both more than a little drunk, but Felicia made her feel wanted, feel worthy, with the way that she swallowed in her face and body with her eyes, the way that she kissed like she was drowning and Michelle was air. And when she saw the danger in Felicia’s eyes, it was thrilling.

“MJ!” Gwen had screamed when she opened the door looking for her. She slammed her eyes shut and turned abruptly into Peter’s chest who was too slow (and maybe too dumb) to think of anything but keep staring, his face turning an ugly shade of purple.

And Michelle never came so hard.

When she came to, Felicia was tidying Michelle up, and kissing her goodbye. “See you later, kitty.”

“What the hell Jones, we’ve been looking for you for the last thirty minutes.” Peter hissed, unable to meet her eyes, but she knew he looked, saw as she came, by the red on his face that wouldn’t fade. “Gwen’s been worried sick.”

Her eyes snap to Gwen who looked a little ill, probably from too much alcohol, but maybe because she saw too much of Michelle.

“It’s okay, MJ. I was just worried. Felicia has some nasty rumors around her.” Michelle did too, and she never did anything to deserve them. She started to feel nauseous too. “I just wanted to make sure you were safe.”

“I’m fine. Felicia’s like really cool. No need to be such a clam jammer,” she said, but she can’t look them in the eyes. The experience is mortifying and all sorts of heartbreaking.

Later, Felicia would tell her that she had some real issues that she should get fixed.

“You’re fucked up Jones,” Felicia said between drags of her blunt before she passed it onto Michelle.

Michelle took too big of a drag in an effort to move on from this conversation, hoping to get too high to think about this, and started coughing. Felicia looked at her like she knew what she was doing, and she probably did, but she leaned forward from her side of the couch and started making out with Michelle anyways.

Felicia basically taught Michelle about her sexuality. She helped her grow out of her unrelenting awkwardness that she had through her childhood and puberty.

Even though they both had deadbeat dads Felicia somehow made it out of life on top. So Michelle did her best to mimic her, her confidence and bravado, the way she carried herself into a room and the way that everyone stared. It didn’t feel quite right in her skin, but it was better than the worthless, unlovable person she was in high school.

But Felicia was one to talk. So what if she’s in love with her best friend who was straight as an arrow? Michelle knew for a fact that Felicia was a kleptomaniac. And despite her airs, Michelle knew the real Felicia was just as broken as she was. It’s why they’ve stayed with each other so long even though they didn’t love each other. It was better to pretend than to be alone, and she was happy not to be alone with someone as awesome as Felicia.

The second problem was Peter.

From her perspective, Gwen would always be too good for anyone, but especially so with Peter. Peter was lame, rude, and unfortunately reminded her of all the things she hated about herself.

Every negative thing she thought about herself, he emanated with confidence.

She had major trust issues because of her deadbeat dad (he doesn’t know this about her, why would he?). He had major trust issues because everyone around him seemed to die, his parents, his uncle, it was a lot (Peter doesn’t need to tell her because everyone at Midtown knew). She was raised by her aunt. He was raised by his aunt. She was always out late, partying with Felicia. He was always out late doing god knows what.

He was awkward and gangly, and so was she. She thanks whatever higher power there is that she outgrew that, but Peter stayed awkward and gangly even as he filled out in adulthood.

But no matter how flaky and shady Peter was, he was undeniably good. The same kind of good Gwen was. The same kind of good Michelle would never be. You could see it in the way that he smiled, the way that he was selfless to people even if it was unearned, except to her. She could never do that with her natural inclination to distrust, without her feeling fake, without her feeling like someone would take advantage of it, of her.

And thus, Michelle never stood a chance, even if Gwen liked girls like her.

But she’s an idiot.

So when their senior comes and passes by, and all three of them are somehow struggling to find an apartment they can afford with their meager entry level jobs (Michelle doesn't even have that), and they drunkenly come up with the idea that they should all live together, she agrees.

Felicia dips somewhere in the middle of it. They were each other’s favorite hookups when Michelle was in college, but two fucked up people does not make a whole normal person. Besides, Felicia was always too big for the city.

And she loves Gwen, she really does. But she can’t stand Peter. Can’t stand that she might look at him and he might reflect her and be better.

Or maybe it’s the fact that they’re both disgusting as hell when Gwen has to go to London for business trips.

Michelle’s happy that Gwen has a decent, stable job, unlike her and Peter, but she resents her for making them fend for themselves. She’s only gone for a week, and the apartment is a disaster.

There are random articles of clothing everywhere, and she and Peter awkwardly wear the same size and on multiple occasions have accidentally worn each other’s clothes. Between the two of them, they can’t afford much except for the same white t-shirts and hoodies, and his occasional nerdy t-shirts. Gwen deserves better than Peter’s broke ass, but Michelle can’t say she’s any better, and Michelle hates that she even dresses like him.

She comes home and immediately smells something offensive in their mess of an apartment. Dear god, she hopes a rat didn’t freaking die underneath the pile of clothes that for some reason litter the living room. This would never happen if Gwen was home. All she had to do was smile prettily at the both of them, and softly shame them for their bad habits, and they would pick up their messes right away. Gwen has them perfectly wrapped around her cute little fingers.

“Peter!” Michelle yells. It’s four in the afternoon, and she just finished a lunch shift at the diner down the street. She’s exhausted, and she needs to nap in order to get ready for her bottle girl gig at a club in Meatpacking (it’s incredibly demeaning, misogynistic work but it pays significantly more than any other job she wants to get, and she’s got rent to pay).

Peter walks out of the room he shares with Gwen in only his boxers, his rat’s nest of hair sticking up everywhere. It’s unnerving how comfortable he feels in their shared apartment. It’s one thing to feel comfortable with your long-term girlfriend, but did he need to be so comfortable with his sworn nemesis? And he’s never said as much, but she can tell by the way he glared at her all of the time, like now.

She knows for a fact that he tries extra hard to look decent for Gwen. Everything he does is decent for Gwen, and never for Michelle. It doesn’t really bother her because she’s the same. She could care less about anyone else except for Gwen.

“What?” he grumbles as he’s rubbing his stomach, and she can’t help but notice his insanely defined abs — seriously when does he even go to work out? — or the happy trail that leads down, down.

Ugh Michelle, get a grip. It’s definitely been too long since she’s gotten laid if she’s thinking about Peter of all people. And besides, no one should be able to think about sex when it smells this bad in their apartment.

“What is that smell?” she hisses.

He takes a big sniff, and flinches back, only now realizing what she was talking about. The panicked look on his face indicates that he also has no idea.

So she sets down her bag and forgets about her damn nap and helps Peter find the offending smell. They make it to their tiny kitchen, and god it smells so horrible, she might pass out. Something definitely died, and if it’s a rat, then for once maybe she’ll be thankful that Peter’s around.

They find a plastic bag on the counter next to the fridge, and Michelle glares at Peter to open it.

“Why me?” he gripes.

“That is definitely not my grocery bag.”

“It’s not mine either.”

“Then it must be Gwen’s, and as Gwen’s boyfriend then you should definitely deal with it for her.” And she loves Gwen, she would do anything for Gwen. But Gwen’s not even around, and Michelle does not get any relationship benefits to justify dealing with this shit.

Peter tentatively walks to the counter, and Michelle steps back, unable to flee due to her curiosity despite every nerve in her telling her to run. What the hell could cause that smell?

He opens the bag, and Michelle nearly retches on their kitchen floor.

What the fuck.

“Oh gross!” Peter cries out, pinching his nose with one hand, and holding the plastic bag away from him with the other. “Gwen must have forgotten to put away the fish she bought before she left. It’s fucking rotten.”

She gags. This is why she’s vegetarian. “God, don’t tell me that. Throw that shit away! Oh god, the trash shoot is not far enough.” They were right next to it. “Find a dumpster and set it on fire or something nearby!”

Peter’s absolutely disgusted with his task, but he listens like the good boyfriend he is, gets quickly dressed, and throws the bag away.

When he comes back, Michelle has finished bleaching the countertops and spraying the apartment with Febreze. She would have had Peter do it, but she couldn’t stand the lingering smell a second longer.

She plopped down on the couch and covered her face with her hands. The apartment smells like rotten fish, bleach, and Febreze, and it’s absolutely nauseating.

“Want to get pizza?” Peter asks, plopping down next to her.

Without lifting her hands from her face, she asks, “How can you even think of eating right now? It still smells so gross.”

Peter shrugs, “Not here obviously, but isn’t your next shift starting soon?”

Peter may absolutely hate her, but he’s never made a comment about her night-time gig, even when Gwen made concerned statements that were more condescending than helpful. He can even be kind to his nemesis.

She's hungry, and she does have to head down to the club to help set up soon. So she gets dressed in a fitted black dress. It’s cheap, short, and shows all too much skin, but it gets the job done, literally. She puts on a faux-leather jacket, but she knows she still looks like a hooker. But Peter doesn’t even once look at her the way that other people look at her, and it’s nice that he can pretend she doesn’t stand out when they go to the 99 cent pizza place next to their apartment.

She hates him.

[sondpyo]

𝙮𝙤𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙤𝙮𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙

a/n: y’all this is literally my first writing :// sorry ig it’s shitty oop whatever I will do a x1 boyfriend line just bcs i really want a bf rn and x1 are my emotional support kpop boys 🥺 iF you have requests then please just request !!!!! 🤭 whatevs have fun reading this and stream flash 😎

warnings: ,,,,cursing

yohan

yes

he looks really intimidating ngl and his taekwondo shit doesn’t make it better

but like,,, he’s a baby ????

he also likes to be babied u cant tell me shit like hug him, kiss him, pinch his cheeKS MAKE HIM FEEL LOVED

but before

let’s go back to where it all started : )

you and yohan actually met in a coffee shop u were working at

so one day this like tall dude came in and ordered an americano with some typa cake idk honestly

and hes like sitting down

and thats when he saw YOU

he immediately went 👀

you were casually picking up some cups and plates customers have left on the tables

and like u just felt someone was looking at you you just did

so you turned around

sUPRISE

yohan was still like 👀

so you were like ???why that mf staring at me???

his brain took about 10 seconds to process that u were staring back so it went ABORT MISSION !

he turned around quickly

you furrowed ur brows and just shrugged it off like u see weird people walking in here daily

but he was kinda cute tho,,, and u don’t see cute weirdos walk in here daily

when u went back to the counter ur co worker was like bring that shit to that guy

and u were looking at THAT guy

sUPRISE 2.0 it was yohan

so you went there and gave him his things

thats when

„ so do you come here often. ????"

„sir I work here"

„oh"

so you were just like "do you need anything else?"

and he got really shy after saying that so he just answered with a no, thank u and turned around in embarrassment

and a little smile creeped up ur lips

because he was CUTE cute

but you were kinda shy too so whAT SHOULD YOU DO

so you just left

yea

he visited the shop more often

thats when you found out he actually goes to the same college as you

so u were both talking and he finally asked for ur number

this leads to date nr. 1

absolute chaos

he wanted to actually take you out in a fancy restaurant but they somehow didn’t have his name on the guest list

so y’all went outside and it actually started raining

so yall ran to his car

and just when yohan thought he literally fucked up everything

you started smiling

and he was like huh ???

so you were like

"well ur plan didn’t go that well I guess"

he scoffed and put both of his hands onto the steering wheel

he was really confused at first but then thought that you were making fun of him which u kinda were but he doesn’t have to know 🤡

but then you suddenly said "how about we buy a family pizza and go watch a movie or something“ and nudged his shoulder with your ellbow

you know he wanted the date to be perfect and that he was probably sad it didn’t go well

and that kinda touched you because he was really trying hard

after that date you unfortunately went on another and on another and on another one

and you were slowly falling for him and his charms

not only was he opening up to you a lot

showing his funny and entertaining side

he also started realizing that he didn’t have to hide his true self from you

like he wanted to tell you a dad joke? he justfucking went for it

since then he decided

that ur his wifey 😎

so y’all have been dating for 2 years now

and in those 2 years you learned a lot about yohan

boi is shy but loves skinship

cuddling in each and every second? yes

u want a kiss? lmAo here you have 100

like he just loves showering you with love

and showering with you (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

( i sincerely apologize )

ne wa ys

he really likes holding your hand

and he has that habit of playing with ur fingers when he’s nervous

at first you weren’t like used to so much skinship

but over the years it just kinda grew on you and you were just like meh

and he loves teasing you about your height and everything

he just has to put things onto the highest shelf just so he can watch you struggle

he also loves saying things to you infront of his friend just to make you blush and watch you hide in embarrassment

well,,,, his friends

your biggest enemy is hyeongjun

one of yohan‘s best friends

it’s just an ongoing fight between you two about his attention

„listen her u poodle ass looking rat, yohan is MY boyfriend"

„who are you calling poodle ass rat you look like a recycled tana mongeau"

and ur both like 😡😡😡

so yohan is usually like don’t fight,,,,enough yohan for everyone 😎

and you‘re literally like you can keep him hyeongjun

((you and hyeongjun are actually really good friends don’t worry))

soooo

yohan also loves to give neck kisses

if your neck is in sight

hes like mwah 👄

and you act like you don’t like thEm

but we all know you do

(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

the only thing is that whenever your hanging out with his friend group and he does that

everyone goes like we haAVE MINORS IN HERE

because strangely one of his friends is a 14 year old tall ass bitch that’s still going through puberty ((dohyon why u so tALL))

but friendship has no age I guess ???

he always goes to his hyungs for advice tho because what kinda advice will he get from some kids going through puberty

eunsang in the back: 😤

and seungwoo always helps him with his situations

while seungyoun just says stuff like smaSh Her !

yes seungyoun sweetie ur doing amazing

you both fighted once

where u realized that he actually looks really intimidating like you were genuinely scared of him for a second

and you‘re both kinda hot headed

so it turned out with him taking his jacket and leaving your apartment

yes,,,, a mess

you dIDNT talk to each other for two days until you phone dinged

and you were like !!!

but

hyeongjun🤥: why y’all ain’t talking

and you told him and he’s like you should just go to him like this bitch is dumb we been knew and for the first time ever you bonded with hyeongjun

so you pressed the button of his doorbell

and yohan opened the door looking all sad

he expected his food to be here

but then he saw you and he just hugged you like honestly ???? he missed you :(

so fighting with him usually lays down after 1-3 days

depends

okay but

yohan is a really good listener

like hes a jokster and everything

but when you‘re sad or upset and need to talk to someone he’s always there for you

it doesn’t matter if it‘s about a test you failed or even about the girl in your class that always gives you deadly looks

like when ur sad he usually just caresses your head/hair

and he tries make you laugh again

because he hates seeing you like that,,,you‘re his baby >:( he doesn’t want you to be sad

he eventually also buys food because he just knows that food calms you down the most

so when ur happier shoving down food ur throat than u were in his arms hes like :[ (y’all know that face)

whatevs

you and yohan have a healthy relationship

and you appreciate it a lot

because he isn’t only your boyfriend but also your best friends

so that mEanS pyjAMA PARTIES HELL YE

usually you both just chill on the coach with your pjs on and you put a face mask onto his face

„this thing burns"

„don’t be a pussy"

„you‘re literally putting acid on my face and you‘re telling me I shouldn’t be a pussy“

u usually watch Netflix after

well only you

becAUSE your beloved boyfriend is always trying to get your attention with either whining or kissing you

and sometimes he just succeeds

like the few pecks turn into making oUt

and the making oUt leads to

we all know what

the netflix movie is forgotten by now sorry sweetie

since sometimes both of you are too lazy to go to ur bed bcs ur busy duH? u fall asleep on the couch so often you both wake up in the next morning by either you or yohan falling off it eventually

i don’t make the rules, gravity does

we should come to an end

yohan is a really protective boyfriend

and he would use his taekwondo skills on anyone and everyone that comes near you

well

only when he senses danger and shit bcs he can’t just double turn fly kick hangyul away just bcs he wanted to greet you with a hug

but yes: very protective

loves you

he really does

he doesn’t care about any girl walking past him except junho but that’s another story // like his eyes are always on you and you only + junho 👀

people envy your relationship a lot

mostly girls watching him taking care of you so well

becAUSE he does care about you a lot

so be dAmn grateful

becAUSE yohan is a once in a lifetime man

and he eventually even hopes to marry you one day

so 🥺🥺🥺🥺

[truethingsiwishicouldsay]

What is your opinion on trans people? Like, the trans people who have transitioned and such?

OK, well, here are my thoughts, which are pretty nuanced so this gets long. I have bolded the main points to help break up the textwall.

First, the surgery thing. Whether or not a trans person has had gender reassignment surgery does not change my basic perception of them as a human being. They do not “qualify into womanhood or manhood” by getting surgery. They are not more or less valid as people because they treat their dysphoria with surgery or treat it in some other way. That’s an individual choice that should between them, their doctors and their loved ones. 

It may change their bodies to inspire people at large to treat them according to their gender identities, which in turn helps their dysphoria. But I honestly feel like the FIRST goal of all people who are considering surgery that drastic shouldn’t be surgery to get others to accept your womanhood or manhood so you can accept yourself. It should be radical self-acceptance. You cannot afford to define yourself by others’ perception of you. There are just too many shitty people in the world.

If you can get to the place where you can truly say, “other people’s issues with me don’t define me” and have a basic foundation of self-respect to stand on, you’re in a better headspace to contemplate things like whole-body surgery, or deal with the side effects of a lifelong hormone regimen.

Now for the rest of my thoughts.

Unless they’ve done something awful, like Yaniv, I don’t come for individual trans people. Anyone who does that is a huge asshole and an actual transphobe. If I have a problem with a trans person it is 100% with something they did or with their politics, not their transness.

I am highly critical of modern transactivism and the way it eats away at the rights and boundaries of others, tries to politicize sexual entitlement, fucks with the definition of words, seems to specifically target cis women with demands, boundary violations and antagonism, is homophobic in its demands for sexual “access” to same-sex-attracted people, and encourages behavior such as nailing dead rats to rape recovery center doors, threatening people, and in my sister’s and my case, beating them.

Yeah, I got my ribs cracked by a trans woman tree times my size on the RUMOR that my sister was a TERF. A rumor spread vindictively by a drunk because she wouldn’t cheat on THE AWESOMEST WIFE IN THE UNIVERSE with her. I fucking HATE the TERF patrol. They silence and harm women. But that doesn’t give me the right to hate trans people.

Trans people are human beings who should be able to live their lives without abuse. That includes everything from idiots marching into their journals and bullying them and their partners on up to the Hell trans POC face in places like Brazil. 

There is a difference between biologically-based sex and socially defined gender. “Trans women are women” doesn’t mean trans women are biologically female. Otherwise they would not be trans. 

You can’t deny biological reality to cater to your dysphoria without putting yourself at risk healthwise, and without ending up at odds with pretty much everyone. I will call my trans brothers “dude” and laugh at their dropped-my-packer-in-the-bathroom stories and acknowledge their gender as male, but I’m still going to feel like I should say something if they’re having PCOS symptoms or something and won’t go to a doctor because dysphoria. Your body may not fit your soul, but it doesn’t deserve neglect.

Because gender is socially defined and often toxic, it’s up for grabs. Defy it, redefine it, jump gender boxes, set up new ones, whatever--do you. 

Just don’t scream at people with no experience of it who don’t quite get it at first. I have no fucking idea what gender box you’re sitting in if you give no outward signs at all, so don’t yell at my scramblebrained self for not being psychic. 

I try not to misgender people because I don’t like hurting people who aren’t even part of the conversation. That does not mean I don’t believe there’s no difference between the life experiences of transgender people and (what’s most commonly called) cis people. Of course there is.

Sex criminals who reinvent themselves as trans women to try and get into female prisons are absolutely fucking suspect. 

If you want to change your body to match your sense of gender, that’s your business--so long as you pay real attention to the medical implications. I hear about trans guys hurting themselves with binders and my response is 100% like “Ow, oo honey, please be careful” and 0% like “look at this crazy person blahblahblah here’s some transphobia”

Puberty blockers and transing kids horrify me, in part because I know a kid going through it and he’s already suffering massive side effects. He’s. Nine.

I get pissed off when historical female heroes get transed. Let us have our heroes. Don’t try to redefine every brave, gender-defying woman as a man.

I am wary of self-ident because of the ways it is being abused. 

Dysphoria sounds like absolute Hell. Personally I’m not sure surgery and such is the answer, but it’s not something I have ever dealt with. I certainly don’t think people should be pressured into surgery and hormones as “the answer” or “the only answer”.

Cotton ceiling activists are fighting for the sexual coercion of women and are loathsome. Nobody owes anybody sex, and thinking otherwise is a sign of toxic male socialization, full stop.

Many of the problems such as bathroom bills could be more easily addressed through physical innovation rather than political arguing. What we need is better design of public lavatories to provide everyone with both truly private and accessible public space. This would include everything from protecting from predators and privacy-invaders, to making sure everyone can pee without having a damn sex/gender debate at the door.

Biological males do not belong on girls’ high school or college sports teams, or in women’s competitive sports. Growing up male gave them physical advantages whether they acknowledge it or not. Also if a man in his fifties is on a high school or college women’s sports team because he “feels like a teenage girl” and you don’t think that’s suspect...

Girlhood and sexism are experienced by cis women and non-passing trans men. Boyhood and male privilege are experienced by cis men and non-passing trans women. People treat you according to the sex they perceive you to be, not the gender you perceive yourself to be. How people perceive and treat you determines your socialization and experience of sexism and privilege, not how you identify.

Screaming transphobia because a conversation about biological female health “doesn’t include trans women” is simply irrational. If you don’t have the plumbing or deal with the issues, the conversation doesn’t apply to you. Derailing conversations about female biology to nitpick about the words used is also a silencing tactic.  On the other hand, I will gladly bitch about periods with trans guys and acknowledge that when it happens they’re probably wrestling with an additional burden of heavily triggered dysphoria.

Female erasure is real. The tendency of transactivists to demand that words like “front hole” and “uterus holders” be used on us to spare their feelings COMPLETELY IGNORES WHAT BEING REFERRED TO LIKE THAT DOES TO US. Half the human population should not face dehumanizing language and treatment so that a small percentage of the population can feel a little better.

Feminists have also noticed that 99.9% of the time, it’s women who are expected to give ground, change our language, and change our behavior to accommodate. Men don’t face the same expectations. They are not confronted online, their organizations are not attacked, their buildings are not defaced. Transactivists have a huge sexism problem.

It is absolutely possible to be of the female gender and yet rampantly, blatantly and deeply discriminate against members of the female sex. Any wariness I have of trans women largely stems from negative experiences of trans female sexism and assault against trans men and cis women. 

Sexism, sexual entitlement, out of control tantrum-throwing, taking pleasure in threats and use of violence, demanding to be at the center of every movement you are in (whether transgender or feminist, for example), and the demand that biologically female people cater to you are all signs of toxic male socialization. I used to rather arrogantly say that trans women should jettison these as part of their transition, but the truth is that every human being should. But it’s still causing problems.

TLDR: it really depends on the specific trans issue and how it intersects with Feminism, social pressures, self-image, and scientific fact. Transactivism has huge problems, but trans people are human beings who deserve basic consideration and respect regardless.

[fusonzai]

Salvation through writing #1

I was fourteen when I first realised I had a body.

As with most things in my life, it was a girl I liked who brought me to this realisation. Her name was Kirby (yes, like the Nintendo character) and I was on my very first date. I thought she was cute, she thought I was chubby and had no reservations in telling me. I’ll never forget that moment. I was suddenly aware that I was being perceived. By both the at the time kind view of myself, but the less positive view of those around me.

It didn’t feel nice.

I had been taught that fat was bad, fat was unattractive, fat was unhealthy. Other people didn’t treat fat people very nicely. In fact, calling someone fat was a sure fire way to win a primary school argument (probably even high school ones). I had an obese family member but I never really registered an opinion on him. Some people were fat; he was one of them. I didn’t really care, not because it wasn’t my own body, but because I hadn’t learnt that social cue yet.

Did you guess that things didn’t go too well with that first date? You guessed right.

However once Kirby told me what she thought, the concept of fat and skinny had begun to cement itself. It’d take me on a rollercoaster throughout the next 14 years. A rollercoaster I’m not sure I’ve gotten off yet. After the date, I was left with this new sense of self identity. I didn’t really know I was viewed by other people as chubby until then. The thoughts stung, so I pushed them aside as best I could. It was summer holidays and I had online friends to play games with. Then puberty hit.

During that summer break I shot up some 10 centimetres. There was no change in my lifestyle or diet, I just got taller. I also got very skinny as that 50kg frame was now stretched out.

Walking down the stairs of my best friend’s house, his very frank older sister exclaimed something like “Elliot you’ve gotten so skinny!”. I had forgotten Kirby’s comments from about 6 months earlier and asked, “Wait I was fat?”

Of course, as soon as I said those words, the thought from six months ago had sprouted into a full fledged complex about being perceived as fat. I went back to school and received more of the same. Teachers, friends and even family exclaimed at the change.

A constant thought ran through my head. I was skinny now, I wasn’t before but I am now. Judging by people’s reactions, skinny was cool. People liked skinny Elliot more. Alright. That’s me now, that’s me, skinny Elliot.

I formed an identity around this, I was happy to be called skinny. I had just recovered from being fat apparently, and fat was bad. So, the opposite of fat must be good?

(17 years old, whatta time)

A newfound interest in alternative rock and everything that inhabited that genre didn’t help. The Front men of these bands were skinny, the girls around me liked these men, so shouldn’t that be what I need to look like? I didn’t know who I was yet. I didn’t have a sense of self identity. I needed to imitate what was around me to get by.

It started off fine enough, a high metabolism meant I didn’t need to actively do anything to be skinny. It got significantly worse for a period though. In an effort to mimic those Front men, I’d buy these progressively tighter jeans until I was shopping in the women’s section. Something about fitting into these skinny jeans messed me up. I was weighing myself in the morning and at night, feeling disgusted when I weighed more in the evening and then relieved to see it all disappear in the morning. I relished in getting sick once. Losing my appetite meant I was sub 50 kg if only for a few days. For context, nowadays even if I’m at my leanest I’m still at least 70 kg.

The skinny phase came and went fortunately, I found self worth in other things and I wasn’t as obsessed with what my body looked like. At least for a time.

High school ended and after what felt like forever, university began. Everyone was trying their hardest to look cool. What was cool? Apparently it wasn’t skinny anymore, I needed some meat on my shoulders.

I was starting to wonder then what constituted a masculine body. My relationships weren’t going well, I didn’t click with many of my peers and the girls I liked never felt the same. I misconstrued personality flaws, miscommunications and just general incompatibility with physical attraction. My body and my body was to blame. I needed to not be so skinny and I also needed to be so ripped my abs were showing. This physical remedy could solve the spiritual ailment.

It’s easy to see now that I wasn’t wondering about the constitution of masculinity at all, I was just trying to adapt to what was around me once more . I was still unsure of my own place and trying to fill in the blanks with whatever seemed right.

And so, like many a gym rat, the disgust with my own body led me into the gym 7 days a week. Motivation was never a problem, I never had to force myself and still don’t. The reasoning for going may have initially been less than ideal but the enjoyment was real.

At the beginning, it was all positive, I was eating a lot better, I had found this new confidence in myself and found something I could do for myself, by myself. I didn’t tell anyone about going to the gym for the first year or so. I wanted it to be mine but more narcissistically, I wanted everyone to notice.

Results came and gradually everyone did notice, however this once positive direction turned into something more warped. Intense feelings of resentment and shame sprung up. Movie stars and friends of friends looked better than me, why? What were they doing that I wasn’t? Why wasn’t I there yet? How could I fuck this up? Why can’t I do this one thing right? Why can’t I have this one thing I’m good at?

I had these thoughts on the verge of social media (like Instagram) blowing up, so I wasn’t bombarded everyday with comparisons. I worked through it and I’m grateful to this day for that. I wouldn’t have survived the media assault on my insecurities if it had all happened now.

(Friends and birthday crepes helped me through it all)

I’m writing this as a way to both understand and reconcile the actions I’ve taken in the past. Instead of thinking of them as mistakes, treating them as learning curves.

Firstly, this initial obsession with being thin stemmed from my aversion to being labelled fat and the identity I thought I gained from not being so. I found a place in a group, I felt I belonged because I looked the right way. Not because we had similar interests, upbringings and personalities, no it was because we looked so similar. Whilst I was never scared of being rejected by the group, I was afraid of losing my place. It seems ridiculous now, even if it meant the world back then.

The rebound to the opposite end of the body image spectrum was a private one, yet still stemmed from this lack of identity. Being twenty years old trying to piece together what I wanted to show to the world, wanting to alter how I was perceived. I thought that people would like me more if I looked better. Changing my physical appearance for the perceived approval of those around me just felt like a loop of my teenage years. Like all experiences, you glean what you can and discard the rest.

I mentioned how this was a rollercoaster that wasn’t over. I don’t think I’m done figuring out how I want to be perceived because it’s both something uncontrollable and something ever changing. That image can flourish or it can deteriorate, which direction it goes in is about the only thing you can control.

(A lot of time later)

[rockinthebeastmode]

Doin’ Time

A/N: Hey! I finished a WIP! I’m not sure how I feel about it quite yet but I hope anyone someone enjoys it. Special thanks to @arathewallflower for reading first and assuring me it didn’t suck. You da real MVP 👌🏽😘 

Fair warning, there is pot smoking within, if it’s not your thing, I apologize. Should be easy enough to skip through. S1-esque AU. (Loosely) Inspired by Doin’ Time by Sublime. All music mentioned is youtube-linked.

You can find my other fics here.

@mmfdfanfic @eveerez @i-dream-of-emus @lilaviolet @lau-vm @hey1tskat1e @tinakegg @kneekeyta @likeashootingstarfades @girl-looking-out-window @stinemarine @lurkernolonger @crystalgiddings1993 @milllott @ssecondaryy @buddyhollyscurls

Doin’ Time

Finn Nelson was a bit of a grumpy sod.

He could admit that. He knew he could barely tolerate anyone other than his mates and family. Since football and boxing started bulking him up and he got his fringe just right, he had birds drawn to him in droves. That could be nice, except he found himself practically non-verbal with girls and that only got him so far. He remembered shotgunning a spliff to Julia Fisher and having to endure trying to talk music for all of five minutes before giving up. And who could forget his brief stint with Stacey Stringfellow? Thankfully, she wasn’t much of a thinker, much less a talker. He reckoned he would’ve stuck that one out longer had she not played Backstreet Boys every bloody time they’d make out at hers.

Honestly, he couldn’t give a rat’s arse about dating at the moment. It was the summer before his second year at Stamford City College and he just wanted to chill with his mates before his dad was back on his arse about grades and preparing for university. He’d been looking forward to a summer spent with his boys Chop and Archie, drinking pints at the Swan, seeing shows at the Basement and of course, smoking as much pot as his allowance could buy but Chop kept inviting Izzy and her mates around. He could just about handle Izzy’s exuberance sober but Chloe’s fawning over him and Archie was getting old.

Then there was Rae. Quite possibly the only girl he’d come in contact with since puberty that didn’t fall over herself over him--not that he wanted her to, mind. She annoyed the fuck out of him. 

She was loud and obnoxious and thought she was hot shit just because she could match Chop for jokes and banter with Arch, all while gossiping with the girls. He could’ve ignored her well enough if she didn’t call him out every time he was the least bit quiet or broody. And don’t even get him started on her so-called music prowess. Sure, she liked some of the same music as him but if she couldn’t appreciate one of the greats like Marley, she definitely didn’t ‘know her music’.

Either way, he planned on staying as far away from her as possible. All he needed was his mates. No girls allowed.

***

“Finny! A birdie tells me you’ve got an empty tonight,” Chop’s voice rang loudly into the phone and Finn held the receiver away from his ear, rolling his eyes with a grimace. Fucking Archie and his big mouth.

“No parties! Chopper, dad’ll murder me if we trash the place,” he quickly replied, Chop scoffing on the other end.

“Aww, c’mon, mate, it’ll be a laugh. Nothing too crazy, we’ll keep it nice and exclusive,” Chop tried to reassure him but Finn knew his game. They’d only known each other their entire lives.

“Bollocks, remember what happened last time you kept things ‘exclusive’? Kendo had half of Stamford’s drug scene in my bloody living room.”

Silence fell on the line and Finn smirked in triumph. He went to get off the phone when Chop spoke again.

“We’ll make it a mates’ night, a’right? Pizza, booze, games. Just the gang.” Finn hesitated with his response and Chop sighed, “I just picked up some spliff, I’ll smoke you out.”

Finn glanced at his dwindling stash next to his bed and groaned low.

“Fuck. Fine. What time?”

***

Around 8 that night, a knock sounded on Finn’s front door. He opened it wide to reveal Archie with a stack of pizzas in hand, Chop with a gap-toothed apologetic grin… and the girls standing behind them with a bag of snacks and bottles each. He ushered them inside with a barely forced smile, grabbing Chop by the shoulder before he could pass. The others made their way into the living room, greeting Finn cheerily and chatting amongst themselves. When they disappeared from view, Finn punched Chop in the bicep as hard as he could muster.

“Ow! Jesus Christ, Nelson!”

“Sod off, you said the gang only!”

“Soz, mate, Izzy just--” Finn cut him off, rolling his eyes.

“Of bloody course, enough said. Anything to get your lil’ Chopstick wet, yeah?” Finn groused, crossing his arms. He dodged a swipe to the head, grabbing Chop in a headlock. They tussled fruitlessly around the foyer, knocking into the walls and narrowly avoiding tumbling into the staircase. They stopped and looked up when a throat cleared from the doorway.

“Do I need to separate you two?” Archie asked, raising a brow. Finn released Chop and shoved him away, giving him a final glare.

“You’re lucky I don’t curl you up,” he grumbled. Chop pulled out a large bag, filled with numerous buds of varying greens, with accents of purple throughout.

“Smoke and make it better?” Chop replied smugly, puckering his lips with a wink. Finn smiled begrudgingly, Chop and Archie exchanging cheeky grins.

“Let’s hope so, knobhead.”

***

Izzy and Chloe looked at the bong apprehensively as Chop took the first hit too hard and coughed violently, Archie clapping him on the back. Finn shook his head with a snort, noticing Rae smirking across the circle.

“Ooh, can you roll us a spliff, Finn?” Chloe simpered, reaching out a hand to his forearm. He shifted away, ducking his head in a nod before sitting up straighter and reaching for his rolling tray on the table. He opened the stash jar, sprinkling a small pile on a paper and carefully tilting the paper to roll a small cone. As he licked the paper to seal it, he looked up and met Rae’s eyes. There was a certain glint in her eyes as she glanced him over before quickly looking away and reaching out to Archie.

“Hand it over, Arch,” she said breathily, her cheeks pinking a bit. Finn couldn’t help scoffing slightly as he tapped the weed down and twisted the end of the joint. Rae looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“There’s no filter on that one, girl,” he warned, before lighting the cone and handing it to Chloe across the circle. Rae sneered, taking the bong from Archie with a short mocking laugh.

“I’ll be fine, Finley.”

He resisted rolling his eyes, waving a hand with a derisive, “Go for it.”

Everyone’s eyes were glued to Rae as she held the bong to her lips, flicking the lighter into the bowl and sucking on the stem, the clear piece becoming white with thick smoke. She tossed the lighter at him with narrowed eyes, the bowl burning bright. The orange glow faded and the gang watched open mouthed as she effortlessly raised the bowl, inhaled the smoke within and placed the bong on the table calmly, her cheeks puffed out. She locked eyes with Finn before she exhaled a massive cloud, the room filling quickly with smoke.

“Jesus, Raemundo,” Chop wheezed, his eyes wide. Izzy and Chloe exchanged incredulous glances, Archie grinning wide.

Finn cleared his throat, looking to the side with a frown. There she went, sticking him right back in his place. She pushed the piece across the table with a grin.

“Your turn, Nelson.”

***

The girls ate their slices and watched agape as Finn and Archie scarfed down half a pizza each, with Chop clearing a full one shortly after. He patted his abdomen contently, unleashing a tremendous belch. Chloe and Rae wrinkled their noses, Izzy’s hand reaching out and swatting at Chop.

“Disgusting boy,” she admonished, Chloe frowning and placing her half-eaten slice on an empty box.

“Yeah, save some for the rest of us!” Rae chimed in with a laugh.

“I paid for it, you lot had better show some appreciation and pay up,” he jeered, pulling a jester hat from God-knows-where and holding it out expectantly. A grumble went around the room as everyone checked their pockets and each threw in small bills and change. Rae flicked in several 20p and Finn swiped one from the pile.

“Don’t you owe me one of these for last week?” he asked, flipping it in his hand a few times. Rae laughed snidely, tilting her head.

“S’pose so. But really, Finn, what good is 20p for the jukebox if you have shit taste in music?” she taunted, Chop and Archie letting out a long “ooooooh” in unison, Chloe and Izzy giggling. Finn scowled, biting his cheek. He didn’t bother responding, instead pulling the rolling tray towards him.

“Is there nothing but reggae on this playlist? It’s doing my head in,” Rae grumbled, glaring over at the stereo. Finn’s eyes narrowed.

“What’s wrong with reggae?” he argued, barely pausing in his rolling. He didn’t look at her but noticed her scoff in his periphery.

“It’s all the same, innit? Repetitive drum beat with a mediocre bassline,” Rae mocked, rolling her eyes. Finn licked the spliff closed and lit it, taking a long drag.

“I didn’t hear you bitching earlier when you were bopping around to Spiderwebs,” he retorted, stifling a smirk at her reddening cheeks. She sniffed, shrugging a bit.

“Ya can’t not dance to Gwen Stefani. No Doubt’s the exception,” she waved a hand dismissively. Finn shook his head, handing her the spliff.

“Right, whatever.”

The music faded out and Spaceman started. Rae glared at him incredulously.

“Oh, for fucks sake, Finn.”

Finn stopped the music with the remote and nodded at the stereo.

“You think you’ve got something better?”

Rae raised a brow at him and gracefully stood, going over to the system. Finn shook his head at her back, exchanging a shrug with Archie.

“Are we just gonna sit here and shoot the shit all night or what?” Archie asked, tapping his fingers restlessly. Finn couldn’t blame him. If it was just the boys, they would’ve started something up by now. The fuck were they supposed to do with a bunch of girls?

“Spin the Bottle?” Chop grinned, shooting a wink at Izzy.

“If you want to snog your girlfriend, no one’s stopping you,” Chloe grumbled, crossing her arms.

“What about a game?” Rae piped up from the stereo, pointing at the consoles and cases lined up on a table under the television. With that, Archie sat up from his bored slump. She went back to looking through Finn’s library of music as the others agreed and went about picking out a game. Finn kept a curious eye on her as she scrolled, watching her face change with each new artist. He saw her go back and forth between a couple options before clicking a song quickly and standing, turning back to the gang. The opening notes of her choice played and a fluttering started in his gut when she levelled a mischievous smile at him.

I can’t stand it! I know you planned it

“Nice one, Rae,” Archie praised, shooting Finn an amused grin. His lips quirked in return, trying desperately not to meet Rae’s gaze.

“Ta muchly, Archibald,” she chirped, her wide grin becoming impish, “S’not bad for mainstream.”

Finn felt his face burning at her nonchalant retort, but he repressed his embarrassment, turning the TV on and lowering the stereo volume slightly.

“What’re we playing, then?”

***

Finn didn’t have many choices for multiplayer games but they took turns playing rounds in some button-mashing fighting game before settling down with Guitar Hero. Finn and Archie alternated guitar and bass, Chloe taking vocals with Chop dominating the drums before attempting to show Izzy how to play. Rae just watched, laughing with them over Izzy flailing the sticks around trying to hit the colors in time and Chloe fumbling the lyrics. When they’d decided to do one more song, Chloe handed the mic to Rae.

“Here, babe, you give it a go,” she said, waving off Rae’s protesting as she went for the loo. Rae held the mic tightly as Archie scrolled through the song list.

“Any requests?” he asked Rae, smiling gently as if to reassure her. She bit her lip and perused the list, her eyes alighting on something quickly.

“Love Spreads,” she said decidedly, loosening her grip on the mic a bit. Finn barely repressed a grin at her choice. Not only was it one of his favorite songs, but his best to play. He couldn’t help wanting to impress her, especially since she’d one-upped him all night.

He kept quiet as the loading screen appeared and Chop took his place back at the drum kit, shaking a finger at Izzy. Chloe returned and the song title flashed with the runway popping up. Finn tapped his fingers along the buttons quickly before the song began.

He revelled in Rae’s widened eyes in his periphery as he nailed every note of the intro, trying desperately to keep his face straight. He broke when she uttered a low, “Jesus, Finn,” before starting to sing along.

***

Rae hadn’t taken her eyes off him since they’d shut down the game and he’d brought out the rolling tray again. The others had gone into the kitchen to make more snacks and pick out bottles for a drinking game.

“Can you stop staring at me?” he glanced up at her with a frown, “Freaks me out.”

She shook her head as if to clear it and sent him an eye roll, her lips quirking a bit.

“I was only supervising. That joint you rolled earlier was a bit limp,” she teased. To his surprise, he felt a grin tugging at his lips and he looked up through his fringe to see her smirking cheekily.

“You can just smoke outta that lung killer if you’ve got a problem with my spliffs,” he returned, nodding at the bong she’d hit perfectly earlier. She half-shrugged, her eyes bright.

“Now, Nelson, I wouldn’t wanna step on your toes. I know you like to think you’ve got superior stoner knowledge.”

“Finally something we can agree on,” he countered, giving her a crooked grin as she laughed. Chop bounded back into the room, bottle of vodka in hand, the others trailing after him with snacks and mixers.

“Right, you lot. The game is simple. Sip your drink every time they sing Roxanne,” Chop said, pouring generous amounts into six cups.

“I thought you do shots, not sips?” Rae asked, her brow furrowing.

“We did last time. What a fucking mess,” Archie chimed in, shuddering at the thought.

“Vomit everywhere--” Chop started, Izzy cutting him off.

“Didn’t Barney get alcohol poisoning?” Rae and Chloe exchanged worried glances.

“Don’t think so. He’s so dramatic.”

“Our Finn made it longest! Two whole minutes,” Chop whooped, clapping Finn on the back.

“Two minutes?” Rae snickered, glancing at Finn with a withering look.

“D’ya even know how many times they say Roxanne, Rae? It’s in the sodding 20s.”

“Alright, alright. Let’s get started then.”

They all mixed their respective drinks, Chop going to the stereo to queue up the song. Rae leaned closer to Finn, a laugh already fluttering into his ear.

“Think you’ll last longer than two minutes this time?”

“Don’t you even worry about it, Rae-Rae. I can last all night,” he whispered back, enjoying her blush almost too much.

***

The game was a bit underwhelming with mixed drinks instead of shots but it served its purpose of giving a nice buzz while they settled down for a couple movies. It wasn’t long into the second one that Izzy passed out against Chop’s shoulder, Archie barely keeping conscious from his spot on the lounge. Around the fourth time Chloe and Rae yawned almost in unison, Finn shut the movie off, the gang splitting off to tuck in.

It was a few minutes after 2am and Finn was sat in his bed, his door cracked. He could hear his friends’ snoring from the other rooms and he turned up his music slightly. He’d just opened the window for a smoke when he heard his door creak open fully.

“Finn?”

He looked over to see Rae in his doorway, rubbing her eyes lightly with one hand, a cigarette pack in her other hand.

“What’re you doing up?”

“Can’t sleep. Chop and Iz took your dad’s room, Archie took the lounge, and I was in the guest with Chlo but she keeps stealing the bloody covers,” she lamented, fiddling with the pack. She glanced at his open window and held it up.

“Fancy a spliff?”

***

“Where’s your crap reggae?” Rae teased, glancing at the entertainment center taking up half his opposite wall. Oasis drifted from the speakers, with Roll With It winding down. Finn nodded at the center with a devious grin, moving to get up and change it. She grabbed his arm to stop him with a comical, “Oh God no,” but let go almost instantly like she’d been burned. He felt a warm tingling where her fingers had wrapped around his bicep and he sat back with a shaky laugh.

The opening chords of Wonderwall filled the room as she took a rolled spliff from her pack, holding it out to him to light and hit.

“College starts soon. You excited?” Finn asked, handing her the joint back. She shrugged, dragging on it deeply. She remained silent as she let out a small cloud, watching the smoke disperse with a sigh. Finn cleared his throat, trying to think of something to say.

“It’s not so bad. Not much different from middle school,” Finn tried to reassure her but she scoffed at his words. He frowned and she smiled blithely as she tapped ashes off the spliff out the open window.

“I didn’t have the best school experience,” she explained, fiddling with a loose thread on his duvet. He nodded, not wanting to pry further and make her uncomfortable.

“You’ll have your mates though. Chlo and Iz’ll be in your classes. Arch will be there,” he paused, rubbing the back of his neck, before continuing, “...I’ll be there.” Rae grinned at his words.

“All my mates, huh?” she started, her grin turning mischievous, “Maybe I don’t wanna be your friend.”

***

“So it’s just you and your dad?”

Finn nodded, glancing from the ceiling at Rae next to him. They’d been talking the better part of an hour, quickly jumping from school to music to the gang and now to their families. Rae yawned for what seemed like the millionth time and Finn closed his eyes briefly, just listening to their deep breaths for a moment.

“Mum left when I was five,” he offered, almost unconsciously, and when Rae stiffened next to him, his eyes shot open and went to her. She smiled emphatically.

“My dad left as well,” she said quietly, keeping his gaze for only a second before returning to the ceiling.

“Maybe we have more in common than I thought,” he whispered lightly, chuckling when she swatted his chest.

“Doubt it,” she goaded, scrunching her nose at him. He scrunched his back with a tired smile, closing his eyes again. His breathing had just started to deepen when Rae nudged him.

“Finn?” she whispered softly. He murmured an affirmation, fighting sleep tooth and nail.

“Are we alright?”

He turned to her, opening his eyes to meet hers curiously.

“Yea, ‘course we are,” he responded quietly. She bit her lip, nodding a little.

“We’re mates, right?” he continued, before he could think about it. Her eyes widened a bit and she smiled.

“Yea,” she closed her eyes, smile still in place, “‘Course we are.”

***

Finn woke up what seemed like minutes later, his mouth like cotton and his eyes bleary. He blinked in the sunlight pouring in and was about to sit up and close the curtains when his eyes dropped to the girl beside him.

Rae was still sound asleep, her eyelids fluttering lightly. He watched her sleep, musing that maybe she wasn’t so bad after all. Though the night began like any other, with their snarky comments and annoyed looks and silence between them, it had inexplicably gotten better as it went on. He had to admit she knew her music--not as well as he did, mind--and she was funny as fuck, despite his attempts to ignore her loud jokes with Chopper and Arch. She smoked like a pro, which he couldn’t help but find attractive. Seeing the smoke pour from between her lips was easily one of the most erotic things he’d ever experienced.

He gingerly crawled across the bed and closed the curtains, before making his way back to Rae. He slid back next to her, laying on his side facing her.

He couldn’t deny she was beautiful. Her hair was a deep inky black, long and glossy. It was splayed across his pillow, gorgeous even in its disarray. Her eyes, though closed now, were so expressive, a darkened brown that cut sharply in annoyance, but also widened and shined with humor. He remembered her eyes hardened and glazed when they talked about college but how they’d softened when he’d said they were friends. Her nose was small and pert, almost as expressive as her eyes in the way it would wrinkle and scrunch when she laughed and teased and argued. And her mouth...full pink lips that smiled widely in mirth but pursed in irritation, formed perfect smoke rings and quite frankly, were slowly driving him mad.

His quiet observation of her was interrupted by her deep breath, her eyes blinking open. He smiled as she stifled a yawn and rubbed her eyes, moaning lightly.

“Hiya, sunshine,” he remarked, chuckling at the grimace she shot him. She nudged his leg with her foot and yawned again, only giving him a wave.

“What’s the time?” she whispered, stretching her legs straight before getting more comfortable. Finn glanced at his watch, trying to ignore the closeness of their legs.

“It’s half 9,” he whispered back. He bit his lip as she smirked and burrowed deeper into the covers, moving slightly closer to him in the process.

“Too early to get up,” she murmured, eyes locked on his. They stared at each other in companionable silence before she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her brow furrowed and her lips quirked.

“You smell good,” she commented, her eyes still closed. Finn felt his face reddening and he swallowed hard.

“Yea? What do I smell like?” he inquired, a bit breathlessly. Her eyes opened before she answered.

“Like weed,” she declared, smirking at his answering laugh before looking over his face, her eyes drawn to his mouth then meeting his again, “and...dark intentions.”

Finn felt a hot desire twisting in his gut and he leaned closer, trying to keep his cool.

“Wow. That’s deep as fuck,” he teased, grinning as she laughed, her cheeks turning a light pink.

“Dickhead,” she replied, coming ever closer. She bit her lip and his eyes fell to it, his heart skipping a beat.

“You’re the dickhead,” he retorted, moving his face towards hers slowly. He could feel her stuttered breath on his face as he moved to close the distance between them. Their lips were just close enough to brush faintly.

She jumped from him abruptly as sounds from outside the room reached them and Chop came barrelling through the almost closed door.

“Have you seen Rae, mate, she wasn’t with Chlo in--oh,” Chop stopped himself, before grinning widely, “Don’t let me interrupt, kids!” He went to leave the room again and Finn sat up, throwing the covers off of them to reveal their clothed bodies. Chop almost looked disappointed.

“Didn’t you learn how to knock, Peters?” Finn snapped, giving Rae an apologetic frown. She shrugged, her face turning a light pink. She got up and quickly went past Chop out of the room, her voice joining the others’ out in the hall. Finn stood and threw a punch to Chop’s arm that he dodged deftly with a knowing grin.

“Had a good night then?” Chop asked, feigning innocence. Finn levelled a glare at him as they left the room.

“Fuck off, Chopper.”

***

When Chop and Finn joined the others downstairs, Archie was holding a large trash bag open while Chloe and Izzy threw in empty bottles and pizza boxes. Rae was bent over the stereo, scrolling through the library with a joint hanging between her pouted lips.

Finn crept behind her, admiring the curve of her arse for a moment before shifting to her side. He bent to her level and got as close to her ear as he dared.

“I got a request,” he spoke quietly, barely stifling a laugh when she jumped, her hand going to her chest.

“Prick,” she grumbled around the joint, smoke lingering between their faces. He simply grinned, nudging her with his shoulder. She moved a step, dragging on the spliff as she watched his fingers tap through to Primal Scream and further to Movin’ On Up. Finn chanced a glance at her when the guitar began. A smile played on her lips, tinged with surprise.

“There’s hope for you yet, Finley,” she said breezily. She held the spliff out as she stood up fully, still smiling. He took it, placing it between his smirking lips. He kept his eyes on hers as he hit it, feeling his feet moving him closer to her. She came a half a step closer to him, her gaze flicking over him quickly. She watched as he exhaled and he tried not to lose his cool under her scrutiny. Her eyes fell to his throat and she bit her lip as he swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing.

“Rae, we’re heading out, are you coming?” Chloe appeared to their side, looking between them with raised brows. Finn cleared his throat, glancing to Chloe before looking to the floor, feigning interest in the carpet. Rae stifled an annoyed sigh, telling her she��d be just a minute and to go on to the car. Finn met her eyes when Chloe walked off, chirping a goodbye.

“Soz, I should probably go,” she said reluctantly, already starting to turn away. Finn rushed to speak.

“I’ll give you a ring later this week, yeah?” he stated more than asked, instantly regretting his haste when she gave him a confused smile.

“Why?” she queried, shuffling her feet a bit. He grinned as reassuringly as possible.

“Because I’ve got some crap reggae to show ya,” he laughed, his face practically splitting when she rolled her eyes. He looked her over as her smile became firmer and braced himself for his next words.

“Plus...I like talking to you,” he began, moving the remaining distance to be right in front of her. “I don’t like talking to anyone,” he finished in a conspiratorial whisper. Their hands brushed from where they hung close and he felt more than saw a shiver run through her.

“Yeah, alright,” she said, barely meeting his eyes but smiling. She seemed to take a deep breath before holding her arms out for a goodbye hug.

“It’s a date,” he burst out, before leaning into her and kissing her cheek. She practically froze in front of him but recovered quickly, breathing out a laugh.

“Laters, Finn,” she said gently, her cheeks turning a deep red. He nodded, waving slightly as she walked away and out the door. His hand met his forehead in a smack and he shook his head at his dumb luck.

“I can’t believe that worked out,” Chop marveled, barking a laugh. Archie exchanged a grin with him and clapped Finn on the shoulder.

“Ol’ Finny’s in love,” he cooed, pursing his lips into a smooch. 

But Finn’s smile didn’t waver for a second.