#not to mention fifteen and i'm only 17 but i know i miss you

[hbogirls]

i hope one of the vault tracks has a lyric specifically referencing being 24. i need her to touch on every age at least once and that one happens to be mine currently and hers at the time of the original

[rappaccini]

arachnophobia notes; chapter 2

chapter title:

from 'spiderwebs' by no doubt.

1) ... it's got 'spiderwebs' in the title. hello?

2) no doubt. ska-punk band from the 1990s fronted by a blonde woman named gwen.

3) relevant to the fic: 'spiderwebs' is about being creeped out by an unwanted male admirer who just won't stop, and the trust issues that result. and this chapter discusses how miles is taking the place of peter in gwen's canon, as the spider-man who... well, won't stop sucking her into a story that will only hurt her. and how that destroys her friendship with him.

preface quote:

from james m. barrie's peter pan. hobie's nickname for her being both a ref to her nickname from peter in the main comics (... a pet name used by her boyfriend. which 👀), and a ref to wendy of peter pan-- also a girl who flees her home to avoid dealing with a difficult situation, who is the only girl among a group of flying mischievous boys, who is connected romantically to a peter who she does not end up with because she's capable of growing up and going home to face her responsibilities and he isn't.

the peter could be peter parker, miles, maybe even miguel. all three, in my book. none of them want her to grow up.

it's clear that the movies see miles as her peter pan. makes you wonder if the writers remembered how peter pan ends. or if they think that changing the ending so wendy and peter end up together will improve the story instead of fucking up its purpose.

the quote in question refers to wendy after her return home. it's okay that she outgrew peter, just as it's okay for gwen to have outgrown miles in their time apart.

processing

timeline notes: we've synced up with where gwen is chronologically in atsv. seventeen months after itsv, five-ish months into her stay with the society.

stages of grief: this one's about denial, in both definitions of the word. gwen is in denial about how angry and upset she is, and that she doesn't want to solve her death problem by being miles's girlfriend... then she denies miles when he tries to start that relationship.

it seems like noir and ham don't get invited into the society in atsv, since they don't appear until gwen's assembling her band at the end.

had to make some mention of gwen and peni seemingly having no strong relationship, which i guess follows since peni's a bit young to hang out with her. peni only turns up for miles in both her appearances in atsv.

tiny divergence here: in atsv, gwen isn't actually keeping hobie's shoes, even though external material for the film calls them a gift from him. based on their dialogue in mumbattan it seems like she threw them on in a hurry when she was leaving his place that morning (which has very 👀 implications regarding why exactly she was sleeping over, in need of a quick redress, and why their clothes were mixed up together). in this fic, presumably that still happened, but she just kept them afterwards. the chucks are great and i'm so happy 65b gwen finally gets to have them.

gwen's age is a bit hard to pin down. we know she's fifteen months older than miles in the movies (and 3-5 years older than him in the comics, but the writers are being slippery with both their ages to try and hide that), but since we're not sure how old miles is, we can't pin gwen's age down any further. my best guess was if miles is a little into fourteen in itsv, gwen's about 15 and a half. plus seventeen months is sixteen-and-ten-ish-months (further supported by rio thinking gwen looks old enough to vote, so if she's 16, she's going on 17). and gwen would be counting those months, because birthdays would mean a lot to someone who knows they'll likely die at nineteen.

time did canonically keep moving in gwen's world. so on 65b she was a missing person for months.

ballet academy: idk if 65b gwen's at a formal ballet school or just does it as a hobby, but it felt relevant to include.

in the comics, when gwen goes missing, the mary janes do actually put up missing persons posters for her. however in the comics gwen and the janes are friends. in the movie that doesn't seem to be the case; maybe they wouldn't.

in the comics, gwen's identity is guessed by the janes well before she reveals it. because it is quite obvious. probably even more so in the movies, because on top of the captain stacy connection, she's literally running around wearing a distinctive set of ballet shoes they'd probably see in gwen's bag all the time, and both disappear at the same time.

as in the film, by this point gwen is regularly crashing at hobie's. since hobie lives in a fascist dystopia, is involved in the resistance movement there, and has a history of squatting, he probably doesn't have a reliable address and it isn't always a good idea for him to invite someone over.

also, i needed a reason for gwen to have late nights with miguel. that felt like a good excuse.

gwen's creep-o-meter deja-vu goes off because she has been here before, actually. 65a and 65b gwen both get pressed into joining shadowy organizations led by a conflicted-but-antagonistic older man (with the first initial m) who has a, uh, vibe with her. it's an interesting constant in their narrative.

in case it isn't clear, miguel hit gwen with his mug. if he was throwing shit at her in atsv in full view of hobie and miles and she was unfazed, then 1) he does that a lot and she's used to it. and 2) he probably does worse when they're alone together. (with that in mind, hobie not wanting to leave gwen alone at the society, and specifically hanging around in the background as she speaks to miguel, probably has something to do with that. he knows she's in a situation where physical abuse is likely and wants to get in the way to deter it before it happens, or at least be there to comfort her afterwards.)

for the purposes of this fic, miles had to be able to join the spider-society. trying to skirt canon here by playing up gwen's own anomalous status-- if she's one, yet miguel let her in, he should be willing to do the same for miles.

anyway the moment gwen gets to reunite with miles in the film is roughly what happens in the fic, except she is allowed to see miles, and is here to recruit him.

(maybe the spot exists at this point, maybe he doesn't. idk. he can't be here for this fic due to the timeline so i guess he just fell through a hole in the universe and hasn't found his way back yet.)

miles arrives

gwen knew miles for literally three days. that isn't brought up enough. she knew him for three days, and hung out with him for one of them. then she spent seventeen months apart from him, and five of those months were spent hanging out with other spiders, two of whom she becomes closer with than she ever was with miles in the first place. she and miles don't actually know each other well. if anything, they're more interested in the idea of each other than the actual person.

(so gwen having a crush on him so strong that she risks her life to see him again even after spending far more time with other guys who are her type and clearly interested in her... makes no sense. gwen would not do that. nor would any teenage girl.)

and to gwen, the idea of miles does matter a lot to her: he's the first other spider-person she met, his world's the first other one she explored, and hanging out with him (and peter b) made her want friends again. he opened that door for her.

and she does sincerely respect and admire his abilities as a hero and find his personality appealing. also important to acknowledge.

... she just ultimately does not know him that well, and has more history and bonding experience with pav and hobie. so in this fic, we're actually gonna acknowledge that and explore the implications.

which means when gwen reunites with miles, she's over her crush on him.

and her opinions about him throughout this story are going to often be completely wrong because if she barely knows him, she has no idea what he's actually doing or thinking.

miles morales is spider-man. that's marvel editorial's stance on him, that was his creator's stance on him. he is, unquestionably, a spider-man who is/will be peter parker's equal. he is the next bearer of that mantle and is the friendly neighborhood teen spider-man of anyone under 25. as much as atsv implies that miles is unwanted, that simply isn't entirely true, and has to be taken more as meta about the fandom perception of him, because right from the start, miles had editorial's support and at this point his momentum is undeniable.

... and, gwen has rose-colored glasses about miles fitting in at the society. he DOES have an easier time navigating it than her, being that he's a straight boy and not the communal dead girlfriend.

but he is actually not having a good time and his acceptance is full of caveats she is unaware of, that she wouldn't know to look for because she's a white girl.

miles and margo's 10-second interaction in atsv was fantastic. in this fic, since he gets to actually join the society, he gets to befriend her. in my mind they get together in the end, but i don't think that'll be mentioned in the fic since gwen and margo barely interact.

gwen being incapable of telling miles important information that could hurt him (that he's an anomaly, that his dad will die, that something's Going On with her and hobie; she even skirts around going into detail about her death) is an aspect of her atsv characterization i like a lot. keeping it.

and for the purposes of this fic needing miles to remain in the society, he can't flip out and go on his canon-destroying mission yet. ergo, he can't be told his dad will die right away, and he can't be given a specific time for it either. so here, he just finds out after a few weeks, and it's still unclear when it'll occur. ergo, bullshit dead dad math is the excuse to buy us a few extra months of time for the plot to play out before miles flips his shit. that's still coming.

it makes perfect sense that miles would fixate on gwen for seventeen months. (... just not that she'd be as attached by the time they reunite. she friendzoned him at the end of itsv. maybe she reevaluated her feelings and thought 'well, if it's him or being alone, i pick him,' but after a year that crush would fade. after seventeen months, she'd be done.)

and if miles is so fixated on gwen, why wouldn't he look her up in his world sometime after itsv? that's the first thing any modern teenage boy would do with a girl he likes: google her.

miles is a smart kid. even if he isn't told the truth early on, like in atsv, he would have figured it out.

another important thing about miles and gwen's connection: he saw her for her. most other spider-men see someone else first.

miles honey, not-like-other-girlsing gwen isn't gonna help

miles is spider-man. spider-man is optimistic, scrappy, and determined to beat the odds. of course he thinks he'll be the exception.

miles is miles. he wants to save his dad. he'd want to save gwen too. this conversation takes place under uncle aaron's memorial wall to give miles an emotional trigger for that promise.

miles is a teenage boy who's never been in a relationship or had his heart broken before. he's gonna go about this in a very earnest, but very flawed way.

and really, how on earth does atsv gwen, who knows that being spider-man's love interest gets her killed, not get worried or nervous when she realizes miles, a spider-man, sees her as his love interest?

(...because she's being written by straight guys who want Being The Male Character's High School Girlfriend to be such an overwhelming pressing need for gwen that she'd overlook her own life for it. no thanks.)

perfect gwen

earth-803 is the steampunk-inspired world of lady spider.

it's atsv canon that gwen and hobie hang out when not on missions. incorporating that here.

jess is the person handling gwen day-to-day, so miguel being the one calling on her means shit's real.

the vibe with gwen and miguel's relationship i'm going for here is that he's her abusive foster dad. not too far off what's going on in canon-- notice how gwen's dad was redesigned to look a lot like miguel?

i can't imagine that miguel likes hobie, or that gwen is hanging around him. he doesn't respect hobie enough to think he's a threat, but he does regard him as a nuisance with some uses.

and he doesn't fully perceive what's happening between gwen and hobie. he doesn't see anything he doesn't want to. and he does not want gwen fucking around with spider-punk, because that's not the spider-man the society wants her to pair up with and the spider-society has a thing about gwen not being able to have any intimate experience with someone they don't approve of, because the fandom does (i can't describe how icky it is to browse the spider-gwen reddit and find guys-- it's always men-- fixating on how ~gwen's still a virgin~).

miguel's reasonings for his fixation on saving gwen will be explored in chapter 4.

earth-8 gwen, in the comics, is 38 years old. if we're assuming she became spider-woman at the same age as 65b gwen, at around 13, then she's been swinging for 25 years.

"the sensation surging through gwen" is a feeling of belonging.

recontextualizing canon is a thing made up for this fic. but it's gotta be in play somehow in atsv; how else do you explain how 'there's only one spider-man' is a rule, yet the insomniac spider duo of miles and peter are literally walking around in the background? how else do you explain gwen's foundational death being her crush instead of a relative? clearly canon can be stretched as needed.

miguel's presumably a single dad, given how his wife is mentioned nowhere in the film. he and gwen share that dynamic in common.

celebubration is the gwen 65a equivalent of instagram.

the challenge for miguel that he's been wrestling with is figuring out if spider-gwen is a spider, or a gwen.

'gwen stacy will always fall in love with spider-man, but can live as long as it's miles' is the conclusion i'm afraid the movies will come to. (which misses the point, probably intentionally, to make sure they get together.)

miguel does want gwen to survive. he's just going about it in a really shitty way.

gwen-8 comes from the comics. specifically, the miles-gwen shipping miniseries of sitting in a tree. my feelings on it are... negative. essentially, miles and gwen go looking for his missing dad in her dimension, and despite barely knowing each other, having an inappropriate age gap (he's in hs, she's in college) they're weirdly touchy-feely every time miles's writer has control of the story but whenever gwen's writer gets control of her back he immediately says "she's not into him". oh, and the watcher/basically god swoops in out of nowhere to inform them that there's a utopian world where everything works out perfect for them, and they just so happen to be a power couple with a nuclear family, and come meet your sweet super-special kids, don't you wanna get together and have them, wouldn't you feel bad if you didn't? and that's the context in which those kissing panels exist. it's the worst story spider-gwen's ever been in. it is beyond creepy that a 16yo boy and a 20yo woman who barely know each other and are in a high-stakes stressful situation are being told they can only have a happy ending in a world that loves them if they make out and procreate right away.

so this entire section is sitting in a tree hate. that issue singlehandedly ruined comic gwiles forever. it doesn't matter if they get together as adults after the age gap problem becomes irrelevant, bc the basis of their relationship will always be 'we feel obligated to be together' and not 'we are acting on feelings we developed without any coercion or entrapment'

and full stop: it's worse for gwen. she's being told, in siat, and in this fic, that she still has to be spider-man's girlfriend (and wife, and babymaker) if she wants to live, and to be accepted by people. it very much feels like an arranged marriage miles's creator sprung on gwen for his character's benefit.

funnily enough, in siat, gwen-8 never actually appears. nor does her miles. their kids do. in the fic, i wanted gwen-8 to actually get to weigh in on the frankly gross situation she's being asked to take part in. (that's coming later.) thus, we meet her.

earth-8 gwen is everything people in-fic and irl want gwen to be. she's gorgeous, she's one half of a power couple with miles, the mother of a son and daughter who are both superheroes, she's the leader of a superteam and a beloved celebrity by her world. all that is from the comics. rant time! it was deeply shitty of the writers to dangle that version of her in front of 65b gwen and say 'this is what we wish you were. don't you want to be that? better get with miles'

earth-8 gwen being an interdimensional genius is a creation for the fic. there had to be a way for her and her miles to have met and settled on earth-8. thus, they did it themselves long before miguel. (which also blasts a hole in his own importance, necessary for later)

"we're the ultimate crossover" is what max and charlotte call themselves. bleeeeeeh. (also, 'ultimate' as in 'ultimate spider-man'-- aka who miles is in the comics)

in the comics, gwen curses a lot. she starts cussing in the fic when she starts following in her 65a self's footsteps-- when she's being pressured towards gwen-8. before that point, there are no expletives. after, gwen's got a sailor's mouth.

once more with feeling, it is unbelievably creepy that gwen had her potential future kids thrown at her and was forced to hang out with them. it felt very much like she was being pressured into wanting to have them. which she didn't.

something's wrong: fuck yeah it is.

a "brighter tomorrow" is how earth-8 is referred to. we get it bendis you really think you did something special there.

miles chatting with perfect miles will come back later.

in the comics, earth-8 gwiles aren't around because they're on that second honeymoon. here, they skip it to come meet their alt selves.

just as miles's story can be read as an allegory for how black and brown boys are treated by society and in fiction, the same's true for gwen and (specifically white) girls. comics gwen being lured in with promises of safety and protection from a big terrible outside world, and then told the only way she'll ever be accepted is if she marries the right sort of guy and reproduces with him very much plays into that narrative. that allegory is at play a lot in this fic.

earth-8 gwen can still see gwen clearer than anyone else here. that's coming back.

the unbreakup

jess is a bad mentor, but she's not as bad as miguel. she at least lets them have privacy.

the conversation happens on the clock tower miles takes gwen to in atsv. within the bounds of this fic, they went here when she asked him to join the society.

"they streamed their wedding to 300 billion people" literally happened in earth-8. ridiculous. and shady as hell: why would anyone do that, unless the wedding's more about attention than love?

when drafting this fic i debated if i was going to go with gwen being trans. i like the coding, but it's also not the same as clear representation, and i knew i wanted to explore the earth-8 situation; which, for a girl who can get pregnant, is a much more visceral and immediate kind of horror, because it feels possible. trans gwen can't get pregnant, so the horror had to be different. the angle i went with instead is 'she instantly knows that this isn't her' and we spin the anxiety from there.

('even if i could i wouldn't' needed to be here. spider-gwen is an ambiguously-queer punk drummer with no interest in domesticity. having kids is deeply out of step with her personality and her wants for her life.)

the more important test for a spider-person seeing gwen stacy isn't actually 'do they see her for her.' it's 'can they change their behavior so they can appreciate her as her own person even if they DO know.' miles didn't pass the test-- he never took it in the first place.

gwen being drawn to visions, now that we know that the gwen stacy death curse is in effect, is kinda horrifying. she literally cannot get away from the spider-man who's going to swallow up her life, even when they aren't on the same plane of existence. a 'soulmate' can be a terrifying thing.

"the universe is bringing them together. It’s cupping the backs of their heads and mashing their mouths together like dolls" .... did i mention i hate sitting in a tree?

in the comics, even the best case scenario for gwen means her homeworld rejects her and she gives up on ever returning to it.

for this portion of the conversation, miles is distracted by how excited he is about that future. he's a teenage boy with a crush who just had that crush validated by everyone he admires, and he's a boy in love with a girl he's afraid might die, who knows it's possible to save her.

he is also a boy who has spent as of this fic, one whole month hanging out with this girl (and again, three days in canon). he doesn't know her well enough to be able to tell she's unhappy.

he is capable of picking up on it. just not quite fast enough.

important to note that even though miles is a sweet kid who wants gwen to be safe, his crush is entitled. he does want things from her that she doesn't want to give him and he takes it as a given that he'll get them even when she's telling him no.

refs to 65a: gwen's dad sleeps through his favorite show, dadcop. the mary janes are constantly bickering. the art style has a watercolor shine to it (... but only on the covers. not so much in the actual page art). the yancy street gang like to cause minor trouble with gwen. vulture kicked her ass and threw her on a trash boat once. and there are billboards everywhere advocating for her arrest and deifying peter parker.

even the crappier parts of gwen's world are worth missing, because they belong to her.

at this point gwen wants agency so badly that she's looking back at peter's death as a positive, because at least she was able to make that happen.

what's wrong, what's been plaguing gwen this chapter, what she's been in denial about, is that she doesn't want a relationship with miles. she likes him, but not enough to be with him romantically. and never enough to give up her personhood.

to reiterate: miles is a good kid who wants gwen to be happy. he just hasn't considered that to be happy, she can't be with him.

gwenandmiles: fandom salt. i hate how overnight, the gwen discourse shifted from 'i hope she gets her solo series back! can't wait for her to travel the multiverse and meet other gwens, or have more sexual tension with em jay, or play with her band, or fight jackal or man-wolf. how are harry and her dad? is the bodega bandit okay? when's cindy moon coming back, would love for them to face off! how's she going to defeat the storm siblings and be able to come home from exile again?' to 'gwen is soooo in love with miles! look at her pining after miles! sure do love how her arc in atsv is all about falling for miles and becoming worthy of him! miles miles miles! all gwen thinks about is miles!'

thanks i hate it! the fandom proved all my fears right! if gwen and miles get together, she'll never be her own person!

'gwen's going to end up in miles's world' is my big fear for the comics. if gwiles get together there, because he's vastly more popular than her, she's gonna be the one who has to move to his world and join his supporting cast, and abandon her own stories where she's the lead, to be a side character in his. it doesn't matter how sweet miles is to her; the imbalance is impossible to avoid.

(it's that kataang flavoring: it doesn't matter how sweet the boy is; the relationship will still unravel her because the writers pulling their strings will never treat her as anything more than his girlfriend. and the audience will follow suit.)

(plus some makorra: they look good together, and the concept of them is great, but in practice this relationship brings out the worst in them)

the arrangement also sucks for miles. i can't imagine a kid as kind as him being okay with her losing that much of herself to be with him, or being treated as an extension of him.

and yet he's letting it happen. he might be sorry about what's happening to her, but he won't stop it.

however he also doesn't realize those are the consequences yet. he doesn't realize that gwen doesn't want those things for her life. and he's afraid that if they don't get together, she will die.

gwen stacy hated spider-man. but because she loved peter, that's what everyone remembers. which means she can never hate him for how he fails her. isn't that horrifying?

'miles cares so much' -- this is the gwiles ship assassination chapter. i didn't want it to be the miles character assassination chapter. gwiles is bad for gwen, but miles isn't.

however, there's no way she realizes that yet.

'break his heart'-- a motif from the comics. that's how harry refers to gwen killing peter. physically, and metaphorically.

hobie. naturally, miles is gonna jump to that conclusion. it's easier to assume a girl is rejecting you because she's with someone else than because she just doesn't want you. and he's still considering another guy's feelings over the autonomy of the girl in question.

also to be clear, she and hobie do have an intimate relationship at this point in the fic. we'll get into that more later.

in the amazing spider-man movies, gwen dies when she falls from a clock tower. very eerie that gwen and miles's convo in atsv is at one too. and that she's discussing this death and how scared of it she is, and he's dismissing it.

miles did catch gwen. but that's not the point. the point is he never should have needed to.

it does not matter if miles isn't peter parker. he's still spider-man. even if she lives and is his girlfriend, she's still His Girlfriend. she still isn't her own person.

the seventeen month gap. again, so much happens in that time, especially for teens. miles and gwen do not know each other that well. they're more attached to the idea of the other, instead of the actual person. which means when that idea is threatened, they aren't going to respond well.

the autonomy issue isn't just exclusive to miles. it's everyone. gwen gets her first taste of that realization here, but she's trying to dump a boy; she's kinda busy. she'll get there though.

a general note on gwen's breakdown

there's a lot going on here. layers of upsetting realizations. to go through it step by step:

1) "are you fucking kidding me. that's the solution?" -- she's spent months with the society being promised that they're working on a way for her to escape her fate... and this is the solution they've spent weeks preparing. 'fall in love with boy #2 instead of boy #1.' which means they have no idea how to help her.

2) "they want me to be cishet." gwen's spent months transitioning at the society and thought up until now that they genuinely supported her. now that she's being told that the perfect version of her is a straight woman with a functioning uterus, she's realizing they never actually wanted her as she is.

3) "they want me to get married and have kids." which is a future gwen doesn't want. how would it feel to be told that the only life you can lead that won't end in a terrible death isn't even going to make you happy?

4) "they want me to have sex." more on this later, but logically that's the next step, given that's how the kids would exist. and gwen is a teenage girl surrounded by grown men who she can't say no to, who she now realizes are attracted to her and want to do something about it. not a good realization to have.

5) "they never actually saw me as a person and only want me as a trophy." personally devastating for gwen, who thought she was recruited for her value as a superhero, to learn that she's only ever been a trophy girlfriend to them.

6) "they want this relationship between me and miles," -- and she isn't interested in miles romantically. she's been trying to resurrect that crush, but it's just not happening. she's going to be forced into a relationship dynamic that she'd hate with someone she doesn't even want.

7) "and miles wants this too." gwen's rose-colored glasses view of miles as the boy who'll swoop in and make things easier for her has shattered; the society sees him as the reason why she can't be recognized as her own person... and he agrees with them and wants this arrangement. now she realizes he never valued their friendship in comparison to the idea of a hypothetical romance with her, and he cannot help her escape her canon because he can only have that romance with her if it stays intact.

8) which means she can't trust him anymore and their friendship has to end.

9) and that she is choosing her own early, violent death over a future with him.

10) and given that she doesn't regret it, gwen now understands she would rather die.

end quote

from the 'sitting in a tree' miniseries of jason latour's radioactive spider-gwen. specifically, this is the moment gwen rejects a relationship with miles. sideeyeing the atsv writers hard for borrowing so heavily from siat, but seemingly missing the point: that this relationship is shallow and forced and should not happen.

[heliolicious]

napoleone della rosa's diary - from cristoforo della rosa's point of view

chapter 2: confusion

one day, napoleone had a girlfriend. she appeared very suddenly in his life, the girl of the restaurant confessed to him, a spring day, that she wanted to be his girlfriend. and my brother, a 17 year old, bless his naive being, gave into it without questioning anything. he never got anybody going up to him and asking him out like that, everyone preferred to be away from him. because he was the weird one. the smart ass chatterbox. the one everyone found boring.

portia de amarettis, this was the girl's name. i saw her, multiple times, at home. she seemed to be highly spoilt and respected by our parents, who even started to treat napoleone himself, a little better. something didn't sit right with me about it. something felt fishy, but napoleone was blinded by the feeling of finally having someone by his side. i can't tell if he really ever loved portia, or if he was only ever in love with the sole idea of being loved by someone.

"april 12nd, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

this morning i've been on a date with portia, my girlfriend. we have two almost every week, my parents have never been happier than this, it almost feels like they care about my happiness and my freedom, which is pretty unbelievable. we ate together, and i paid for it to try to be a gentleman. i feel like i took a wrong step, however, when i asked her how she was feeling about making love with me. she is two years older than me, i supposed she already had more experience, but she said she wasn't ready yet. and looked a little upset when she left.

so i took some time to think about where did i go wrong, hoping she wouldn't be upset. i took a walk at the park. and i met a boy, who didn't laugh in my face and didn't call me names when everyone else did. he seemed to be much taken aback from me, and did not want me to see his face. this didn't and won't stop me from being next to him. i'll see him again."

so he met a special friend. a special friend that in a matter of little time, became someway almost as important as portia in his life. but again, his dates with portia started to feel organized in the same way his parents organized and kept under their control his studying schedule. my brother would have wanted to spend an afternoon with his new friend, but sometimes, they set up a date for him and the girl three afternoons in a row. so he couldn't see his friend, for quite some time.

his girlfriend started to feel more like homework, during those days, leading my brother to think about it and realize, that maybe it wasn't as good as he thought. that maybe his heart didn't really beat for her precisely, nothing was in his heart when she smiled, he only ever felt something when he thought about receiving love. no matter whether it came from portia herself or not. until he realized what being suddenly lovestruck really meant.

when his friend showed up with a completely different face. a perfect one. a porcelain doll looking one.

"april 20th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

i am feeling weird. i have a girlfriend, so it can't be that my heart is racing for desire towards someone else. it should just be for the surprise, he said it's a curse that changed his appearance. never have i ever struggled to keep myself from kissing someone this hard. but he's a man. and i am one too. i don't know how to take this, not to mention, i am busy with portia. even if i never felt this way for her. this might just be the effect of the surprise for i have seen his new face. i have a date with portia, tomorrow. i'll see what do i feel about her and judge what's up with me."

"april 22th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

i don't know what to say, nor why i did it. there's nothing i want to write here, if not that i messed up, when portia leaned in for a kiss and i backed off. she thought i was upset because she didn't want to sleep with me yet. the truth is, i just don't know if i love her anymore. it saddens me, she seems to love me a lot. or at least she's doing anything to keep me. in all honesty, i fear what would happen if i told her the truth, or worse, if i told my parents. i can't even ask for my friend's opinion. it would require telling him i ache for a kiss of his. and it feels wrong."

i can't hide these pages of my brother's diary hurt me. because i've already read it all, and it makes me furious.

however, napoleone soon found out everyone, portia included, had been using him the whole time, for her family's restaurant had been falling into bankruptcy due to debts with passione, a huge mafia. the plan was getting her married to napoleone, joining the families together, to start a good total income for the two families, being the de amarettis restaurant the best one in the city and the one with most success. the only obstacle so far, had been the debts to fulfill with the rival mafia.

but now, napoleone's heart created another obstacle. when he found out portia never really loved him, and that her family and his own parents played him like a fiddle for money, he stabbed with a dagger all the pages that contained words of affection towards her. or that spoke about her in any case. it took me a little to understand the missing pieces and restore the pages i showed a second ago, but i was able to fix them quite well.

the last piece of this chapter doesn't require his diary anymore, however. after stabbing it with a dagger, he never spoke about her again, in his diary. so, i'm gonna have to expose something i spied in secret.

he mentioned in the first diary page i showed here, that he felt almost as if his parents had started to care about him, after he got together with portia. but he soon learnt at his own expenses that it was just for money. of course, my brother tried to delete her from his mind, even if it was not possible. he even let a lot of anger off, in secret. but when our father saw him set himself up all elegant and good looking, more than he looked like when he used to hang with portia, he questioned really hard where he was gonna go.

napoleone always tried to stay outside with his special friend the most he could, he did not want to stay inside, seeing our family angered him, and seeing lady delphine angered him more, since she knew about it and never told him. he trusted her deeply for years, and she gave his trust away too.

however, my brother was just trying to go outside and spend an afternoon with his friend, when our father stopped him.

"who is it?" he just asked. straight to the point. napoleone could just freeze on the spot and turn around. our mother, olympia, was just in the next room, but as i was spying in secret, i'm sure she was listening just as much. "not only you ruin what your mother and i had planned for you, money and a wedding, but you also have the guts of setting yourself up and leaving like this. almost everyday, instead of studying. there must be someone. is she... rich?"

"no. can i go?"

"is she known?"

"i don't owe you answers. i really... just wanna go-" a loud, smacking sound. when my brother refused to answer for the second time, our father lost his patience. he always snapped. too quickly. i had never seen it before, though. napoleone was the one who always got caught into it. his cheek hurt immensely. his glasses flew off.

"you don't have the power you think you hold, leone. you disobey your mother and i, you leave a betrothed behind for a random lady, a poor underdog god knows where you found. you've always been an obedient kid. what are you doing of your life?"

"she's not an underdog. he- she- ... she is someone i value."

our father stared at him. immensely. for some seconds. my fifteen year old mind didn't get what had happened, i used to ask myself what was wrong with having a male friend, but my current mind does understand what the whole situation truly meant, enough to tell about it. napoleone had slipped on it, and our father wasn't so stupid to not to notice. in fact, he stared at napoleone with a disgusted expression for seconds that felt neverending. and then, whispered under his breath. "you filthy f****t. whose son are you? not mine, for sure."

don't make me write that fully. our father said that word to him, and i didn't know what it meant, when i was fifteen. but now i know, and it gives me chills to think about the scene. the scene of my father taking a handful of my brother's hair to kick his nose, insulting him and telling him he was a disappointment. it was the first time, i ever heard napoleone scream in agony. our father sometimes slapped us if we didn't behave, but he never got so far.

when we were younger, napoleone had little to no muscle. and he was definitely thinner than me. now, it's the contrary, but at the time, it really mattered. the scene continued under my - hidden - eyes and under my mom's gaze, until my brother had a seizure and could just lie on the ground, not reacting, not answering to anything.

"i will find your son's filthy friend." our father murmured in our mother's ear. and i don't know what happened afterwards. all i know, is that i saw my brother's eyes widen and move towards them, as if he heard them despite the ongoing seizure. and the day after, i witnessed him shooting our father in the head.

"june 5th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

no, no you won't."

it was the beginning of the end.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Seventy-Nine

Words: 4.1k

Warning(s): explicit language, violence, explicit sexual situations, substance abuse, mentions of assault

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I hum along to the Christmas music softly playing over the speakers of the grocery store as I walk down the aisles, pushing my buggy, looking at the different types of cereal. 

Nikki doesn't like sweet cereals aside from Captain Crunch, so I just grab a box of it before heading to grab toilet paper and paper towels, along with some eggs, and head to the checkout line, my attention stalling on a tabloid on display. 

"Nikki Sixx & Vanity: Their 'Friendship' Timeline," it reads, a picture of Vanity and Nikki plastered on the front...I exhale sharply.

I can't believe it's been four months since Vanity aired out their dirty laundry on TV. 

That means Duff and I have been together for three and a half months...

I'm quickly backing up and walking to the sexual health section, examining the many brands of pregnancy tests. 

I grab the cheapest and go back to the line. 

"I told them not to put those out," my cashier states to me when it's my turn, as she sees me give another glance to the magazine with my husband and his mistress on the front.

When she gets to the pregnancy test, she clears her throat. 

"Celebratory or...?" She asks, swiping the test. 

I pretend I don't hear her. 

I shut my trunk, my arms wrapped around grocery bags as I step to the front door, of the house, the sun setting through the neighborhood, and I sigh heavily as I grab my key. 

I haven't been home in a couple days, avoiding Nikki as much as I can, but I know we need groceries in the house and I know he hasn't left to get any, and even though I'm done with him, I don't want him to starve or something. 

Opening the front door, the house is a wreck just from a glance, and I quietly shut the door in case he's asleep, and head to the kitchen.

I quickly stop in my tracks when I see through the dim light, coming from the single lamp in the foyer, figures moving in the living room, a light littering of giggles flittering through the air…

I turn the lights on, nearly dropping the groceries to see eight girls in lingerie, girls at least in their late teens, piled on Nikki—and Steven—lips swollen from making out with each other and euphoric glows casting over all of them. 

I'm at a loss for words. 

Nikki and Steven just look at me, Steven looking like a guilty kid. 

"Is that your wife?" One of the girls straddling Nikki asks, looking at me, wide eyed. 

"Ex-wife." I correct her. 

This is where the story tends to get misconstrued. If you ask Nikki or Steven what happened, they'll tell you it went down like this…

"Vivian put the fuckin' gun down!" Nikki yells at me as I hold his shotgun, the girls screaming and scattering like roaches while he and Steven run to the backyard as I pump a bullet into the chamber and fire off, missing them by a couple inches as our wall by the back door is blown to hell, chasing after them and emptying the gun in our backyard whilst trying to shoot them. 

What actually happened…

"Get out of my house." I tell the girls harshly and they look at me, pissy. 

"If I want them here, they can be here." Nikki argues. 

"They're babies, Nikki!" I shout, and the girls all defensively simultaneously let out their ages, ranging between 18 to 20, but I honestly don't see how some of them are over 17. "Then let me see your ID." I tell them. 

"We came to hook up, we didn't come to get interrogated." One of them states. 

"Okay, well, you've had your fifteen minutes with Nikki Sixx so you can get out of my house." I repeat.

"Fuck off!" She exclaims to me and I raise my brows. 

Fuck it. 

I go to our bedroom and grab what I need, and I don't give anybody a warning before firing off shotgun shrapnel into our glass ceiling, shards of mirror raining down as I hear the girls holler and cry out in fear, scampering to the door in their heels, and once the gun is unloaded, I look in the living room and see fluffy black and blonde hair peek up from behind the couch, their eyes bugging, pupils taking up most of their eye.

When the cops showed up, I said I accidentally fired into the ceiling while trying to clean the gun. They were fans of Nikki so they didn't give us a fine for public disturbance, and they didn't ask why eight girls were in our lawn in lingerie, either.

"I cannot believe you." I grit through my teeth when Steven blocks my entrance into their rehearsal studio, his heavy panting clouding the words trying to come from his mouth. "Did you run here?!" I exclaim and he nods, still trying to catch his breath, still trying to get his apology out that I can't even hear because he's talking but not saying a word due to his breathing. "Moron." I hiss, shoving him out of my way to get inside. 

"Viv, wait!" He musters out, following me. 

"Fuck you!" I shout. 

"Vivian, please, let me—" he gasps for breath some more. 

"—I hope you're having an asthma attack or something, I really do, dumbass, I really do." I march away from him and he grabs my wrist, a pathetic look on his face. 

"Look—"

"—No, you 'look,' I refuse to be the little bitch that just lays on her back and let's everybody fuck her to hell with their bullshit. It's gross and it's disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself for even being apart of it, Steven, because I thought you wouldn't do that shit to me. Just 'haha it's so hot to do stupid shit that'll hurt Vivian,'" I mock his voice, and he tries to talk again, "No, just shut up and go suck on Nikki's balls some more because I don't think those teenage girls did it enough!" I turn on my heel go to find the guys. 

"You're not mad about their age, you're mad Nikki didn't give a fuck." He gets out, taking deep breaths and I stop and turn to look at him, rolling my jaw. "You're jealous, and you know you are, and it's okay and normal to be, Viv, I know you still—"

"—Know I still what, Steven? Hmm? Love him?" I furrow my brows, stepping to him, my heels clicking on the floor when I get face to face to him, our nose nearly touching, my voice shaking with anger as I say, "He could die tomorrow and I wouldn't give a single fuck because he's been dead to me for months. And as of right now, you are to. So don't come at with me trying to strike up some empathy for a person I feel absolutely apathetic about." I sneer quietly, turning. "And stay away from teenagers. I don't care if they're eighteen or nineteen, they're still fucking kids."

I grind my teeth together as I leave him standing in the hallway before I try to go into the girls bathroom, only for it to be locked. 

"Damn it." I mumble, holding back tears, glancing at the door of the boys bathroom. 

Without shit given, I open the door and walk in, seeing Izzy standing over the toilet, cigarette in his mouth, peeing. 

He glances over his shoulder and looks at me. 

"Viv." He says the best he can, smoke puffing past his lips. 

"Izzy." I reply, sitting my purse on the sink, digging through it. "Sorry, the girls bathroom was taken." I mumble. 

"No problem." He replies. "Not like you haven't seen it before." He adds and I roll my eyes. 

"Unfortunately." I sigh out, grabbing the box with the pregnancy test in it. "Hurry up, please." 

He looks at me to say something smart back, but looks at the box and his face falls. 

"Jesus fuck, Viv, what do you have that for?" He asks me. 

"Okay, I know you went to high school in Indiana and their version of Sex Education was just ways to stick your dick in a pickup truck's tail pipe without getting carbon monoxide poisoning, but when a man and woman have sex, they have a risk of procreation." I tell him. 

"With Duff? " He asks me with a confused face. 

"No, I got Bret Michaels and Willie Nelson to cum in a cup and I mixed it together and went from there." I sarcastically hiss.

"Fuck you, smart ass, I was asking a legitimate question." He zips his pants back up and steps aside for me. 

"Yes, with Duff. I haven't had sex with Nikki in months." I tell him. 

"Sorry, I didn't know if you were doing them both or what." He shrugs and I glare at him. 

"No. I'm not." I inform him, pulling my dress up and my panties down. 

"Okay, that's my cue." He says, turning away from me, in reference to my naked bottom half. 

"Not like you haven't seen it before." I repeat what he said earlier and he chuckles, going to open the door. "You're leaving?" I ask him, quickly, and he looks at me.

"Yeah?"

"I need support." I tell him, honestly sounding scared and he leans his head back and rubs his eyes. 

"Vivian, babe, I can just go get Duff—"

"—No, no, he doesn't need to know I even think I'm pregnant." I state, panicked. "Look, it'll take a few minutes but I can't wait for the result by myself, it'll drive me up the wall." I plead with him. 

"Well, what if you are pregnant, are you gonna tell him, then?" 

"I-I don't know." I admit. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there just, please, stay in here with me."

He lets out a heavy breath before nodding, rubbing his forehead. 

"Alright, alright. Just piss on the stick because I'm missing rehearsal for this." 

It was an agonizing wait, but once Izzy glanced at his watch and said, "alright, it's been long enough," I felt like it had only been a few seconds. 

"Maybe we should a wait a little bit more." I suggest.

"Viv, it's been ten minutes. You already put it off once before, come on, now. Cowgirl up." He tells me. 

"Okay." I breathe out, anxious, rubbing my lips together and shakily reaching for the test before quickly snatching away. "I can't do it." I say to him, shaking my head. "You look at it and tell me." 

"Vivian—"

"—Please?" I beg, giving him my best puppy dog eyes and he lets out a breath and reaches for the test, looking at it, nodding a little. 

"Well, Stripey, we're at the bridge, how're you gonna cross it?" He asks me, handing me the test, and I see a perfectly shaped "+" on it. 

I started to panic, and think irrationally, as I do when I'm backed into a corner. So in my panicked state, the best thing I saw for me to do, was...

"You are fucking insane." He tells me sharply, leaning against the sink. "Like evil insane." 

"Izzy, I don't know what else to do aside from just get rid of it or hope and pray I miscarry, and that's kinda fucked." I explain, holding back tears. 

"You want to fuck Nikki and just play it off as his—that's more fucked up than praying the damn thing away!" He whipser yells. "And what about Duff? What the hell happens to him when you pull that shit?" 

"I don't know, Izzy, alright? But he doesn't need a kid to worry about when he's just starting to get a taste of what he's wanted for years, now, and I don't want to—"

"—He's going to be fucked up with the idea of you still screwing Nikki when he's under the impression that you two are gonna be this magical little fairytale of unicorns and sparkles and love and shit, Vivian!" 

"I know, but I don't know what else to do!" I reply in the same tone. 

"Oh, my God." Izzy exhales smoke from his fresh cigarette. "You can't tell me this shit. You shouldn't have even let me know about this because now I'm a fucking accomplice to your batshit crazy scheme." He scolds me. 

"Izzy—"

"—You are the fucking devil, Vivian. Axl was right. You are the actual devil." 

"Well, you tell me what to do, Izzy, because that's the only thing I can come up with!" 

"Why does it matter if the child is Nikki's or not, you two are getting divorced anyway, so why does it matter if it's somebody else's?" He questions, and I stay quiet. "You are filing for divorce, right?" 

More silence. 

"Oh. My. God."

"Izz—"

"—Will you quit incriminating me with you when you do stupid shit?!" He lets out, slightly panicking. "Now im gonna be fucked sideways if they find out I knew and never said anythi--why the fuck were you even screwing Duff if you weren't a thousand percent sure you were gonna leave Nikki?!" 

"Because I thought I was but no—"

"—Izz, you alright?!" 

"Duff." Izzy  mouths to me. "Shhhit." 

"Answer him." I mouth back. 

"Yeah, man, I'm good...just really, um, fucked on that pizza from earlier!" He lies as I shove the pregnancy test box back in my purse along with the test, and zip it up. 

"Okay, dude, just making sure!" Duff replies, the sound of him walking away letting us know the coast is clear. 

Just to make sure Izzy sticks his head out of the door, and glances at me. 

"Go," he motions and I do. "Last door on the left of that hall." He adds and I go in that direction, opening the door and seeing Axl, Duff, Slash and even Steven has joined them. 

"Hey," Duff's face lights up when he sees me, and be puts his bass down as I walk to him. 

He wraps an arm around my waist and leans in, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips. 

"Hi," I smile when he pulls away, looking into his eyes, while I can see Izzy staring at me from the corner of my eye, taking a drink from his cup with this look on his face like I've just killed his best friend. 

I honestly might if I'm not careful. 

Once their rehearsal is over, it's around 5:00pm, and my stomach is killing me. 

"Can we get food?" I ask him, my hand in his as we step to the parkinglot. 

"No, I'm just gonna let you starve." He sarcastically lets out and I cut my eyes up at him. "Where do you wanna eat?" He asks next, letting my hand go so he can grab his pack of Marlboros and settle one between his lips, lighting it, before grabbing my hand again. 

"I don't know." I shrug. 

"I thought you said you're hungry." He says next. 

"I am—that doesn't mean I know what I want to eat." I add and he just looks at me. 

"Do you want a burger?" He suggests and I wrinkle my nose. "Okay...chicken?" Again, I don't look pleased. "Dennys?"

"That's fine with me." I nod. 

"Thank God." He sighs. "My car or yours?" He asks next. 

"Doesn't matter." I tell him. 

"Alright, we'll take mine." He says, stepping to the passenger side, opening the door for me without a second thought. 

"Aww," Slash says as he comes out of the building, teasing Duff from behind his shades and his own cigarette. 

Duff just smiles and flips him off, walking to the driver's side. 

"I'll see you later tonight, man!" Slash calls. 

"Alright!" Duff says back, shutting the door, fumbling for his keys to put them into the ignition. 

"You guys are going out tonight?" I ask him as he cranks the car. 

"Yeah, you can come." He offers and I shake my head a little. 

"Um, I was actually gonna go visit with Sharise and Skylar for a few hours, tonight." I tell him. 

(Pt. 79 CONT.)

[do-lvn]

Hey there, Grayson

SUMMARY: Grayson and (Y/N) were best friends since second grade, they grew and so did their love.

based off ‘hey there, Delilah.’ By plain white t’s :)

15, you were fifteen when you realized that you were in love with Grayson. It was a simple day, a normal one to be exact, it was spent at the Dolan household. Being only 7 when you had met Ethan and Grayson, it made you all inseparable. So days at their house was nothing new. Once when your parents left for a business trip you ended up staying with them for a whole month. And even though you all had been inseparable, there was something that you and Grayson had and with being so little, was something you couldn’t quite wrap your head around just yet. So as a young one you ignored it, but when you all were huddled in a blanket outside by the fire it hit you hard. You turned to look at Grayson who was smiling at some absurd joke Ethan had just told and you felt your heart slow down, as you watched him laugh.

You felt your chest tighten and your heart started pounding as it felt like a truck was running straight through you. He took notice of someone's gaze and turned to meet eyes with you, sending you a shy smile and ducking his head further into the blanket, because whether or not he would admit it everyone knew you were truly the only girl who would drive Grayson crazy.

Yet you didn't know that, because when you hit the age 16, Grayson confessed his love for you on - only - the second date. He couldn't help it. He had taken you to the beach to watch the sun go down, simple, yet you loved every second of it. That's when he looked over at you and said it. “(Y/N), I'm in love with you.” your heart only swelled as you pulled him into a bone crushing hug. All the current events shocking you nonetheless.

Then 4OU happened and you were thrilled when Grayson invited you to join, both him and Ethan agreeing it wouldn’t be as fun without their best friend. So you had begged your mom to go and when she finally said yes, you were quickly packing your bags for months on the road. You even had Grayson on the phone not believing you were actually able to go. “I know, it’s crazy. I didn't think she was going to give in.” he chuckled at that, “me neither but I'm not complaining like my girlfriend gets to go on tour with me.” you felt your stomach start doing flips at the title. His girlfriend.

17, was the age Grayson broke your heart, along with his. His career had a huge take off after tour and his manager had insisted they move to Los Angeles for better business when you found out the news your heart shattered, it was just the beginning of your junior year. “It’s best if we break up, angel. You still have school and things will be hard.” you nodded, he knew you understood and you couldn't hold him back making videos was something he enjoyed and you weren't about to be another person telling Grayson he couldn't do it. “Don’t forget about me, okay?” you ask while wiping a tear from his cheek, he laughs and pulls you into a quick kiss. “I couldn’t even if I tried, I love you.” you smile and hug him tighter.

Even though you were sad, and so was Grayson no doubt. You both knew how big the situation was and it was an opportunity they couldn't pass up, so with one last hug and a quick peck he was out the door.

19 - PRESENT DAY

“Ethan! You bitch ass.” Grayson groaned as he watched Ethan take a quick shot at him. He quickly dropped his headset, “Fuck you, I was about to get victory royale.” Ethan snickers, “so? I wanted to win.” Grayson turned around in his chair and threw the nearest pillow at Ethan. “Hey! Don’t be a sore loser.” Grayson sighed, “whatever, I'm going to finish editing the video.”

Ethan didn’t bother to pry his eyes away from the screen, just stuck up a hand and waved Grayson off. He made his way back to his bedroom and flopped onto his mattress, life was good, but there was something missing that even though Grayson couldn’t quite figure out exactly what it was, he knew he would find out soon.

Very soon.

“(Y/N), please be a dear and set these on the table for me.”  Your mom was having a dinner party for her co-workers, one you weren’t invited too “I don’t get why I’m helping when you're not even letting me join!” you said jokingly. “I’ll have your father send you a plate straight to your room, sound good?” you set down the last plate and place a hand on your chin, “hmm not sure, I will say yes only if I get a cherry cola.”

She smiles, “I’ll do you one better, this was supposed to be a surprise but Lisa is coming along with the twins, they finally came around the time you were here, so I'll have your father bring you Grayson, k?” you feel your heart stop and your smile get wider, “sounds perfect.”

Seeing Grayson for the first time in 2 years had your heart racing. You had talked here and there over the years but nothing recent with you being so busy with college, so it was now winter break and you were happy that you were finally having a nice breather away from all the exams. You were going on to your second year and it was nice, college was looking way better than high school.

“So mom, she’s going into her second year right?” Lisa laughed at Grayson's nervousness, “yes gray, and calm down, you know her, she’s still the same bubbly girl she was three years ago.” he nodded. “Right right, would've been nice if Ethan joined.” she nodded, “yeah, a nice reunion.” he looked down, “yeah.”

When the door got pulled open, revealing your mother. Grayson’s nerves got bad he was thinking nothing but the worse. That maybe you would be mad at him for not talking to you recently. But he was wrong and it was just panic. “Nice to see you gray, (Y/N)’s upstairs, you know the way.” she shooed him off and continued to conversate with Lisa.

He took a look at your stairs and let all the memories you two had come back to him, it made him feel better knowing that you guys didn't end on a bad note, he took one last deep breath before knocking on your door. When he did you were quick to hop up. It had been three years since you had seen gray in person and you didn’t know how to feel, or how he looked.

The door opened and gray smiled, “hey.” he didn’t say anything back just quickly pulled you into a hug. “I missed you so much, how are you? How’s school? Tell me everything.” you smile and close your door.

“I'm going into my second year of college, only 2 more left after that. I'm good, just busy. Schools so stressful and on top of that my job is irritating. But i'm managing, how about you, how are you?” he casually shrugged, “good, things have been good. I've just been busy with filming and meetings and stuff like that.” you smile.

“Im happy your good. Hows ethan?” he laughed. “Good, still dramatic as fuck.” this time you both shared a laugh. “I really did miss you (Y/N). just things aren't the same without you.” you look down.

“ i miss you guys too, i think about you all the time gray. Wish we didn’t drift like we did, but we could fix that. If you want.” he smiled. “Would love that, now tell me what’s college like?”

You laugh. “Well…” he let your voice fade as he admired you, a lot had changed, your hair was shorter and lighter, your eyes brighter than before and lips plumper. “And other than frat parties every weekend it just stress. I don't go to parties though not my thing.” he nodded. “Never has been.”

The night went on and you fully forgot about all the guests your mom had downstairs, your whole focus on how life was for gray in l.a. He even mentioned the new house him and ethan had, “you should come to visit when your on break, again.” you smile. “I could, i have spring break next.” he smiled. “Really, that’s perfect, me and e can show you around l.a.” you laugh. “Sounds like a plan.”

You both ended up at the park, a childhood spot. You pointed to the slide that over the years became old and damaged. “Remember when we pushed ethan down the slide and he landed on his face.” he chuckled, “and we got into so much trouble, yeah i think i remember. My mom took away my ipod.” you laugh and look over at the old tire swing. “Our first kiss was on that tire swing, then right after you fell off.” you felt your cheeks heat up at the memory. “Gosh don't remind me, that was so embarrassing.” he chuckled. “It was cute, your cheeks were so red, you looked like a tomato, hey kind of like you do right now.” you playfully smack his shoulder, he only smiles and looks down.

“It’s kind of crazy to remember where i was only three years ago and now look at me.” you laugh, “i know, when did you start working out?” it was his turn to playfully push you. “I've always worked out, don't be rude.” you put your hands up in defense, “okay, okay.”

The last encounter was better than before, “it was amazing to see you, keep in touch okay?” you nod. “Of course, i miss you already.” he pulls you into a quick hug. “Hey two more years and then your done and i'll be waiting for you.” you pull him closer. “Yeah, i’ll see you soon, gray.” he squeezed tighter and placed a kiss to your forehead. “Goodnight, (Y/N).”

“G’night gray.”

You were currently at home finishing up an assignment when your phone started ringing, to occupied with work you didnt even bother to see the name. “Hey there, (Y/N).” you smile at the voice.

“Hey there, grayson.”

- THE END

[empressarisu]

A lot of people have been posting their fic recs lately, so i'm curious. what's YOUR top 10 yoi fics? ;)

Oh… my god.. /sweats nervously/  okay.. so I just have to sift through the hundreds of fics I’ve read and pick just 10 of them??? hahah..hahaha.. easy enough.. (it wasn’t) :””””) i spent more than an hour trying to decide on these anon, how could u make me do this…. jk jk ilu but this was so hard :((

My top 10 Yuri on Ice fanfics (and why) as of 3/17/17:(in no particular order)

On My Love by RikoJasmine || @min-min-minnie

For the second time, the Sochi Grand Prix Finals arrive, and with it a reborn Yuuri Katsuki. “Viktor,” Yuuri thinks over the pounding of his heart, the crowd going silent as the music begins. “I’ll show the world what you meant to me.”

Yuuri often thinks of his life as Before and After Viktor Nikiforov, the marking point being the day Viktor swept into his life and turned his world upside-down. After many years together, an accident leads to Yuuri suddenly waking up in the Before—back in Detroit, before the GPF, before he ever knew Viktor as anything other than his childhood idol.

As if it had all been just a dream.

Ngl, this is my absolute fave fic. I’m a sucker for time travel AUs and the writing is just so?? beautiful?? There’s so much angst, but so much fluff as well. (Gods know I almost died from the latest update, it was just so cute) So, if you’re apprehensive in reading this because of the heavy angst, let me just tell you right now that it gets better and it’s worth it. 

katsuki_fc wrote by tetsurashian

Just because Yuuri isn’t big on social media, doesn’t mean his fans aren’t.

(aka a social media fic)

Yuri on Ice + social media? Count me the fuck in. It made me nostalgic for my LJ days from back then too. Ah good times.. It’s basically reliving all the feels and emotions we had when watching yoi. :”) I reread this from time to time because I just never get tired of it!

all the world’s a stage by braveten || @actualyuuri

Everyone has a guilty pleasure.

For Yuuri, it just happens to be romance movies starring famous heartthrob Victor Nikiforov.

(And, honestly, on the spectrum of guilty pleasures, he figures that his is on the far, far more innocent side.)

Yo… if you haven’t read this fic yet then you’re missing out on life, fam. Lol jkjk but really, this fic is perfection! The story has great flow, on-point characterizations and amazing writing with the right amount of fluff, angst, and smut! 

Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches by Reiya || @kazliin

‘…Of all the rivalries in the world of sports over the years, perhaps none has become so legendary as that of Russian figure skater Viktor Nikiforov and his rival, Japanese Yuuri Katsuki…’

A single event changes the course of Yuuri’s life, throwing him into a bitter rivalry with Viktor Nikiforov that spans across his entire skating career. But as the years go on, rivalry and hatred begin to develop into something very different and Yuuri doesn’t seem to be able to stay away, no matter how hard he tries.

Hatred and love are two sides of the same coin and even though everything changes, some things are still meant to be.

I’m pretty sure almost everyone and their cats and dogs and hamsters have already read this fic?? I have never cried so much as I did while I was reading this, and even now, weeks after it ended, I’m still shook and blown away by it. I’m both ready and not ready for the companion fic coming out this March 26. (Mark your calendars, folks!) 

You Can’t Plan for Everything by RivDeV || @contentwhatcontent

Yuuri forgets that he has a scheduled heat coming up until it’s just a couple weeks away. He scrambles to get everything ready in time, including deciding whether he’ll spend it alone or with someone. Victor only wants to help.

AKA. The slowest of the slowest burn in the history of fanfics ever, but the burn is so good. I know that people have mixed feelings about omegaverse, but I firmly believe that people should at least try and read this one. It’s very well written, and also different from most ABO fics I’ve read. It throws most of the ABO tropes/cliches out the window. 

Kings in Couture by slightlied || @forovnix

a devil wears prada au in which victor is the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine, yuuri’s his new secretary, and instead of talking about his feelings, victor just sends him on a bunch of errands—“Okay, okay. Ready.” Yuuri starts scribbling as the voice on the other end, someone from the Style and Trends department, relays instructions. “Sorry, can you please spell ‘Gabbana’?”

The person on the line promptly hangs up on him.

Awkwardly, he sets the phone back on the receiver. “Guess not.”

Devil Wears Prada AU. ‘Nuff said. Okay so this is just like 2 chapters right now, but I’m already in love with it and everyone should read it?? Just.. fashion. Katsuki Yuuri and the Jeans™. Read it and you’ll know what I mean. Just do. It has ruined me for life and /deep breaths/… Katsuki Yuuri and the Jeans™

Ink on Ice by Daughter of Vayu (aquaregia) || @aquaregiastuff

Because a mangaka and figure skater just didn’t mix together. Or so people thought until they saw Katsuki Yuuri and Viktor Nikiforov.

AHHHHHHHH, this fic is so good! It just makes my belief true that whatever career Viktor and Yuuri end up in, they’ll always, always end up finding each other and fall in love. They’re just so pure I can’t even-

Like a Fairytale by lucycamui || @lucycamui

In which Prince Victor gets swept off his feet at a royal banquet and will go to any length to find his ‘Cinderella’ Yuuri.(And Phichit is the fairy godmother who has no idea what he’s doing).

“The crown prince of the Nikiforov kingdom, infatuated with a mystery pastry chef he’s only just met. This is exactly the kind of scandalous love story my life has been missing… So, what’s he look like? What exactly is Prince Victor’s type?”

“…Sweet.”

“Well, he does make pastries.“

Fluff. Fluff. And oh, have I mentioned the fluff? No? Then… Oh my god the fluff. This is where I run to when the angst gets too much in other fics, tbh. It’s so cute and heartwarming and sweet and perfect and hilarious, and just generally amazing. My heart is bursting with rainbows and fluff.

On ICE!!! by Watermelonsmellinfellon || @helly-watermelonsmellinfellon

The first time Katsuki Yuuri saw Victor Nikiforov perform, he realized he had a great desire to see figure skating in a video game. In fifteen years, his dream is realized. Little does he know that Victor’s attention has been caught by the very game he unknowingly inspired. So ensues the cutest meeting ever and the relationship that follows.

I believe every fandom should have a Video Game AU. :”) Alright so, this is another fic that’s just bursting with fluffiness?? It’s so cute and I’d really sell my soul to get a copy of that video game Yuuri made. I want it so, so bad ugh.. (Oh btw, this author has a lot of great yoi fanfics ya’ll should check it out)

centripetal force by braveten || @actualyuuri

Victor speaks seven languages.

(Physics isn’t one of them.)

Luckily, though, he ends up rooming with his antithesis: a shy, black-haired boy who just so happens to be a physics major.

Is it obvious by now that I’m actual trash for Maddie’s fics. Anyway, this fic is honestly #goals. Oh wait.. Every fic of hers is #goals tbh. Plot, characterization, dialogue, everything. I honestly have no words other than: Amazing, fantastic, beautiful, and wonderful. (Go and read all her fics, yo)

I missed many other wonderful fics, but for now, these 10 are the ones that left a huge impact on me. :”) I’d like to take this moment to thank these wonderful authors for all their hard work in making these amazing fics! Thanks for sharing these gems to us!