#not to mention the very obvious fact that she was heavily pregnant (and gave birth just a month later) with three very young daughters

[wishesofeternity]

“Warwick launched his final bid at kingmaking, this time in alliance with Margaret of Anjou to restore Henry VI. He and Clarence landed in Devon while the King was in Yorkshire. Elizabeth (Woodville)’s initial reaction was to prepare for a siege in the Tower of London where she had already retired in expectation of the imminent birth of another child. But on 1 October news reached the capital that the King was preparing to set sail from Bishop’s Lynn, abandoning his kingdom. With no hope of imminent rescue, Elizabeth moved swiftly into the Sanctuary of Westminster Abbey with her mother and her daughters. She sent Abbot Thomas Millyng to advise the Mayor and Aldermen that she was surrendering the Tower, and consequently Henry VI, into their custody.

- J.L Laynesmith,  “Elizabeth Woodville: The Knight’s Widow” in “Later Plantagenet and Wars of the Roses Consorts” / “The Last Medieval Queens, English Queenship 1445-1503″

"Elizabeth (Woodville) at first fortified the Tower of London against the approaching Lancastrians, but then decided instead to hand over custody of the Tower to the mayor and aldermen of London while she went into sanctuary at Westminster Abbey. It was a move which not only protected her daughters, who were with her, but also saved London from attack, which perhaps explains some of the praise she later received. The author of 'The Historic of the Arrival of Edward IV, who claimed to have witnessed much of what he recorded, stressed

the right great trowble, sorow, and hevines, whiche [the queen] sustayned with all manar pacience that belonged to eny creature, and as constantly as hathe bene sene at any tyme any of so highe estate to endure; in the whiche season natheles she had browght into this worldc, to the Kyngs grcatystc joy, a fayrc son.

...When Edward (IV) arrived, there was a scene of family bliss, in which the queen's vulnerability and domesticity could be contrasted with his heroism.  The king was thus presented in an unusually human guise, which might appeal to readers familiar with such partings themselves throughout the civil wars:

The king comfortid the quene, and other ladyes ckc;  His swete babis ful tendurly he did kys;  The yonge prynce he behelde, and in his armys did bere. Thus his bale turnyd hym to blis.

[knylinphd]

Their S/O giving birth | Headcanons

female reader

-> Zenitsu Agatsuma, Sanemi Shinazugawa, Inosuke Hashibira, Giyuu Tomioka.

-> Obviously, Zenitsu and Inosuke are older.

(D/N) is daughter’s name and (S/N) is son’s name

Zenitsu Agatsuma

Actually, Zenitsu was there when your water broke. Unsurprisingly, he panicked instantly, despise the fact that you had prepared everything and there was an hospital nearby.

‘’Itsu, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s right there.’’ You said, walking and pointing to a bag, while Zinetsu cried. He took the bag and helped you walk to the hospital -as you were staying in a village that heals hunters for free.

At first, he tried to remain as calm as possible, taking your hand and caressing it as much as he could, despise you tightening your grip on his own.

Did he faint ? Of course he did once an old lady showed him the top of his baby’s head showing up. You only giggled nervously, even if deep inside, you wanted to kill him.

However, when he woke up, he was serious, controlling his breathing. He rest his palm against your forehead, comforting you. You were grateful that this side of Zenitsu showed up.

But everyone knows that this side has to come to an end, and that happened when the baby was finally delivered. You were glad the strong Zenitsu stayed till the end, though.

He woke up a few hours later -you had fallen asleep in-between but you were now awoken- and he saw the baby in your arms. His eyes widened, his mouth agape.

He walked slowly, as if he wasn’t allowed to, feeling some tears at the corners of his eyes. ‘’Is it... is it... my baby ?’’ he asked, seeing the little body in your arms.

You looked very tired, but you gave him a smile. ‘’It’s a girl, Itsu. How do you want to name her ?’’ you asked, showing him the little girl’s face. ‘’The name we decided, then.’’ he replied, staring at her.

When he finally felt brave enough to carry the baby and hold her against his chest, (D/N) opened her eyes. ‘’You’re the prettiest little girl I’ve ever seen. So many boys are going to ask you to marry them.’’ he whispered, crying.

Sanemi Shinazugawa

Your water broke at home, during the night. Luckily for you, Sanemi was there, so he immediately sent his crow go for the closest nurses nearby.

He brought you towels and anything you needed, and since you were close to the estate, Mitsuri showed up to help you both as well. Sanemi wasn’t that pleased, but she was your best friend, so he brushed it off.

Actually, even if he was used of blood and disgusting things, he felt dizzy when he saw the top of the baby’s head, so he decided not to watch and stay by your side, caressing your hand and stuff.

Surprisingly, once he saw you tearing up and whining in pain, Sanemi felt terribly guilty and sorry. He kept muttering about how sorry he was, panicking, saying that you had to go through this because of him.

‘’Only because I was scared to be all alone.’’ You heard him mutter. Being slightly pissed that he had decided to be out of character right now, you grabbed his arm, surely hurting him in the process as you never grabbed it so tightly in your whole life.

‘’Sanemi, if I got pregnant it’s because I also wanted that baby. Now stop blaming yourself and telling it’s your fault that I’m like this because I’m going to fucking kill you !’’ You shouted.

His eyes widened, but he could understand you. You were going through pain and he was panicking, which was something he wasn’t usually doing ; he had to man up. So he kissed your hand, letting you tighten your grip on his own as much as you wanted.

When he saw that the baby was finally fully delivered, Sanemi caressed your forehead, telling you how proud of you he was, and how strong you had been. You just sobbed, overwhelmed with emotions.

As the baby was now cleaned and you had held them in your arms for long minutes, you decided that Sanemi could hold them. He had sat next to you, watching the both of you silently.

‘’It’s a boy, right ?’’ He asked, and you nodded. He stared at him for a whole minute before hugging him tightly, crying and choking on his tears. The baby was a perfect mix of the both of you.

‘’I’m so happy I have a family, now. I promise you won’t suffer as much as I did, (S/N). Daddy’s always going to be there.’’ He had a family now, just as Genya had wished him to.

Inosuke Hashibira

He didn’t want to go to his mission and he was right, since he had to rush when he heard his crow saying you were giving birth. That’s why he arrived with blood all over his body and his katanas.

But you didn’t care ; he was finally here. Actually, he knew a bit about giving birth because of his mama boar, so he tried to cheer you up as much as he could.

After some time -when you were crying- he took off his mask to kiss your temple and hand. He wasn’t scared when he saw the baby’s head showing up neither when he saw the blood.

That was a good point, since you were totally petrified and refused to look at it. You only stared at the ceiling or him, while he was trying to describe to you what was going on in the less bloody way as possible.

However, when he noticed the baby had his hair, he started to lose it. Indeed, he was used to boars. But a baby made with his own skin and blood, looking like him ? That was going to be more difficult than he thought.

‘’Sir ! Sir ? Are you still here ?’’ He had his mouth open, but he decided to man up. ‘’Of course ! I’m the great Inosuke ! I’m the best dad ever !’’ He said, pointing to himself.

However, when the baby was born, the nurses refused to give them to Inosuke. ‘’Sir, you have to take off the blood. What if it some demon’s ? Your baby can’t touch it.’’ They said, and it actually convinced him.

‘’It is full of blood too...’’ he muttered, going to clean himself as fast as he could. When he came back, you were all alone with the little baby in your arms -that actually had lots of hair already !

‘’UH ?!’’ Inosuke shouted, seeing you all tired and stuff. He walked to you, and you smiled at him. You handed him the baby, and even if he was unsure at first, he picked them up.

‘’Oh, it’s a boy !’’ He said, when he read ‘boy’ on a paper. Yes, he had learnt how to read a bit. You nodded. ‘’And I thought you were going to have a daddy’s girl.’’ You said. ‘’Well, we can have another one so we can have a girl too !’’ You rolled your eyes, not ready to live a baby delivery yet again.

Bonus : I said Inosuke learnt how to read ‘boy’ but I’m 100% sure that he learnt how to write and spell the name you chose if you had a son and the name you chose if you had a girl. I believe he knows how to write his name, yours, and your kid’s. Surely even his friends’ names.

Giyuu Tomioka

Giyuu was on a mission when his crow yelled at him you were giving birth. He immediately rushed to where you were, not caring that much if he had done his mission or not.

When he finally arrived, the baby was almost delivered, you were crying, and despite the fact that he wasn’t in an adequate outfit to help you and had a katana with him, the nurses let him come in.

You had yelled like that crazy when they tried to push him outside, and you had extended your arms towards him. ‘’It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here now.’’ He said, holding you close as much as he could in your position.

‘’I feel like dying, Giyuu !’’ You shouted, the delivery being much more difficult than normal. He tightened his grip on you, trying to calm you down, kissing your forehead. ‘’Relax, (Y/N). It’s going to be okay.’’

In the inside, he was panicking as well. But he couldn’t show it to you. He was right to hide it though, as you did manage to calm down and focus, being able to push again.

Once the baby was born, the nurses immediately rushed to clean them, as you laid on your bed, breathing heavily. Giyuu kept telling you how proud of you he was. Still, he had to give his katana to the receptionist.

When he came back, you were finally fully relaxed, holding your newborn in your arms, even smiling at them, kissing their head. Giyuu didn’t say a word when he saw the baby. He was usually quiet, but you knew that he was just emotional.

‘’Do you know what their name is ?’’ You asked, making him shake his head. ‘’It’s Sabito.’’ You said, making his eyes widened. You had agreed that if you ever had a boy, you’d name him Sabito, for obvious reasons.

He was still feeling guilty about his friend’s passing, and having a son named like him could make him reborn, in a way. And Giyuu could finally move on. He held his son close to his chest, hugging him now that you had given him to him.

‘’Hi, little boy, it’s me, your dad !’’ He started, smiling. ‘’You got your name from the greatest person I’ve ever known -after your mom. You’ll be the best Tomioka ever.’’ He whispered to him. You giggled at the mention of you. And unexpectedly, Giyuu started to cry.

I may do the same headcanons with other characters if you request them ! I thought of Tanjiro and Obanai, but I need to have 1 or 2 characters, so feel free to ask me !

[angelkurenai]

Imagine giving birth to yours and Dean’s daughter and feeling happy but insecure about the weight you’ve gained so you keep your distance from him. Only for Dean to show you in any and every way how much he really loves you.

“Amazing.” the rough yet signifcantly-softer-lately voice of your boyfriend was heard, soon followed by such a warm chuckle you never thought you'd hear from Dean Winchester let alone so often “She's simply amazing.”

The moment the door was pushed open you turned away from it and the mirror that was right next to it as fast as you could. You pretended to busy yourself with adding an extra blanket on your shared bed with Dean just so you could hastily wipe away your tears. You cursed yourself in your mind when you sniffled, praying mostly he didn't hear it. And he didn't, he was too taken by something else.

Too taken by your daughter.

“Can you believe that she refused to go to sleep?” another warm chuckle as he shook his head in pure awe “I mean, I'd sing and sing and rock her and she wanted to go to sleep, I know, but whenever her eyes closed it's like she fought against it and opened them right again!” he ran his fingers through his messy hair.

With a newborn in the bunker, barely three months old, neither of you had time to do anything else that didn't involve her, including your sleep, showers and food. You were more than thankful to Dean for trying his hardest, like stopping hunting for most part, so that he could help you all he wanted and take care of your child. Despite his fears, at first, he proved every day to you that he was an incredible father.

“Did she now huh?” you asked, although your voice was a bit hoarse; you still wouldn't dare face him “Maybe you should have tried a different method, then. Wouldn't have taken you so long.”

“Yeah, but then again, she looked me up with those big beautiful (y/e/c) eyes that I couldn't help it. I think she knows it deep down, knows how to play me and have it her way already. Do you think she does?”

“Dean, she's barely three months old. I doubt-” you started, unable to laugh this time like you usually would with him in this kind of situations.

“Shh” he hushed you “Don't ruin it for me. She's a Winchester and your daughter, that kind of combination is one of a kind. Of course she's special!”

“Alright, whatever you say silly daddy.” you rolled your eyes but caught yourself smiling anyway.

“Hmh” you heard some shuffling, probably Dean changing his clothes “She's got me wrapped around her little finger, just like that. Without even trying hard. What a shocker huh?” he said full of sarcasm but also lots of playfulness, the grin never leaving his lips.

Despite your exhaustion, and even more despite your feelings at the moment and the heavy weight on your chest, you caught yourself smiling at his words and enthusiasm. Ever since you told him you were pregnant he had been growingmore and more excited about the child – albeit very worried at first – and when you gave birth to her, he had been spoiling her and showering her with love beyond belief and he was truly happy about it and about her. You had never seen him like this before, maybe when you started dating of course, but this time he radiated happiness just like you. This was how Dean would've been if he never got into hunting and you loved seeing it.

“You're such a dad.” you murmured softly and having heard it, he smiled even wider.

“I am, aren't I?” he said with such pride, you paused to smile to yourself. He was a blessing for both you and your daughter and you wouldn't change a single thing about your relationship and lie together “But really-” he continued “Just a smile from her and I'm giving in.” another soft chuckle “I mean, bright smile, cute nose and sparkling eyes, wrapped me right around her little finger. Sounds like someone you know?” he asked and you could hear the smirk in his voice.

“Hmh maybe.” you pretended and you heard a soft scoff come from his lips.

“Maybe? She's an exact copy of yours. She's probably using that to her advantage.” he shrugged “Gosh, I'm never hearing the end of this from Sammy. Sometimes I just look at her and that's it, I know I'll do what she wants again. Sometimes I even think she's enjoying this too. But I mean, how do you do it every time? You get her to sleep or eat like it's nothing!”

“Maybe it's cause we girls understand each other better. Or maybe...” despite the tears in your eyes, hearing Dean talk about your daughter made you feel so much better, a smirk tugging at the corners of your lips “Maybe it's cause she's a mommy's girl.”

“Hmh” you could practically see him being grumpy for a few seconds, or at least trying to, but you knew that he loved his girls being so close nonetheless. You had already caught him just standing on the doorway and watching you two play together, watched you feed her or talk to her, interacting in every way you could with such pride nothing could match up to it.

“As much as I hate to admit it, yeah, it's obvious. She's got a soft spot for you. But-” your body froze when you felt his arms wrap around your middle “How can I blame her? If anything-” you felt his face bury in the crook of your neck “I can certainly relate.”

“D” the small nickname left your lips when you felt him give you a squeeze. Your entire body was stiff and you held your breath, praying that he wouldn't turn and face you or that he wasn't thinking about what you were sure he did. You could keep your voice steady, sure, but there was no hiding how you felt if he really saw your tear-stained face and your red eyes. Not to mention how bad you wished he would just not see the rest of your body without clothes, not at the moment at least.

“Yes, baby?” his voice was lower and so much more husky. He pressed his body closer to yours and you felt your knees going weak. You didn't know if it was because of how bad you wanted him too or because of how bad you were scared of him realizing anything.

“D-Dean wha- what are you-” you started, voice as calm as possible, but when his hand moved under your oversized shirt and came in contact with your skin, a gasp only left your lips. Your eyes fluttered shut and you bit your lip, realizing that after all this time you had missed him more than you realized.

“What sweetheart?” there was a playfulness in his words. You felt his lips on your neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses. “Can't tell what it is?” his voice was getting even more husky and with his hands roaming your body and gripping on every curve and edge they could, pushing up your bra so that he could tease you a bit as his fingers also played with the waistband of your sweatpants and then those of your panties, you felt yourself leaning more into him. Your eyes closed and your lips parted as your head rested on his shoulder. You felt his lips pull into a smile against your skin, especially when a soft moan came from you.

“I was thinking-” his voice was low and husky “She just fell asleep, so we've got at least three hours until she wakes up again and we-” he sucked on your neck, biting slightly, and earning a small whimper from you “It's been a while since we had this much time together or did something together for that matter. Was thinking, if you maybe wanted to...” but he trailed off, knowing that you understood what he meant and certainly wanted it too.

He paused, looking at you with parted lips and closed eyes, already breathing heavily for him. His hand that was on your hip found your chin and he slowly turned your face so that his lips could find yours again. Licking his lips he didn't waste a second before he kissed you, albeit a bit sloppily; his tongue entering your mouth savored your taste as it toyed with yours. The hunger and passion were impossible to hold back anymore, his hands grabbing your shirt and starting to lift it.

But when the air hit your skin, it was as if realization set down on you like a bucket of ice cold water, your eyes snapped wide open and as fast as you could, you pushed his hands away from you. Lowering your shirt you ignored the shaky gasp that left Dean's lips or the gruff “What?” that was so perplexed and maybe a bit hurt, out of breath for sure.

“I- I-” you stuttered, turning away from him as fast as you could “I'm sorry, baby. I- I just really... can't, right now. It's- it's best if we leave it for- for another time when I'm more ready.” you winced at both the tone in your voice and last word. He was definitely going to take it the wrong way, let alone the fact that you wouldn't look him in the eyes.

“What?” this time it was more rough, his brows furrowing deeply “I- I thought you too wanted-”

“No, I- I want you too, Dean, I really do but I seriously mean it when I say we can't.” you still refused to look at him, finding any and every excuse, including walking away from him at the far corner of the room to tidy some of your daughter's toys that you had forgotten in your room.

“(Y/n)” and there was the suspicion that made your blood run cold “(Y/n) what's going on?”

“Nothing's going on, honey. Everything's fine.”

“Everything's fine?” his eyebrows raised “Well, it sure doesn't look like it to me.”

“Then I'm sorry because there is nothing I can do about that. Nothing's changed, Dean, and if you can't see it-”

“Then why the hell won't you let me touch you anymore?” he cut you off and you closed your eyes, biting your lip.

“Dean I told you it's not up to me. I want you but I can't.” you insisted, eyes not meeting because you couldn't let him see the fresh tears that had welled up in your eyes. You didn't want to do this to him but you couldn't tell him the truth either. You couldn't bear to hear him say that it was true, couldn't bear the rejection either.

“What is that even supposed to mean?” he blinked “If it's not your choice then can you tell me at least why?”

“I- that's not something I can talk about Dean. Nor something I want to.” you murmured “Let's go to sleep, come on, I'm tired.”

“You-” but he didn't continue, the heavy silence that set between the two of you was only broken a couple seconds later “Wha- what even happened between us? You- you've been keeping your distance, isolating yourself whenever you can, you find any excuse you can to not spend time with me; I mean you even went for a morning run with Sam! You barely talk to me about what's on your mind, let alone what's troubling you. And I can't understand because I thought you were happy we've got our daughter finally hear, healthy and safe. I- I-” you knew it was a fact, you knew it was all happening and you hated having to hear him say it all together in that way that showed he took notice of it all and it was affecting him “I thought you wanted this, that you still wanted me and that you-” his voice shook “Did I do something to you? Did I do something wrong?”

The way his voice cracked, sounding so hurt and broken like a wounded animal, made it so hard for you to hold back a sob.

“I'm so sorry.” you were sure your lips formed the words but didn't know if any sound came out.

“(Y/n)?” but he got no response “(Y/n)” again none “(Y/n) look at me.” but his voice held no anger, only real pain and you hated yourself for it. You had taken away from his happiness. “(Y/n) please tell me what's wrong?”

Feeling his hand on your shoulder you couldn't help but wrap your arms around yourself and slowly turn to face him, this time with open eyes and judging from the gasp his lips left he understood. You knew there was no hiding the truth, but the first thing you could whisper was “I love you with all of my heart. Meeting you, knowing you, loving you will always be the best thing to happen to me. Because without you I- I wouldn't have that beautiful little girl, I wouldn't have such a loving family and I-”

“(Y/n) wha-” he blinked rapidly in disbelief, cradling your face in his hands he looked at you in concern “Baby you've been crying. Why? What happened to you?”

“I- I just- I'm sorry.” you sobbed, the tears rolling down your cheeks “I'm so sorry for making you think that it's your fault. It's- it's not. I'd never blame you for-”

“No, no no no. Hey, hey, princess. No, don't do this to yourself, don't.” he rushed to reassure you, his voice soft and he soon gathered you in his arms and held you as close as possible. He kissed the top of your head several times, squeezing you tightly but not painfully, understanding your need for air at the moment.

He held you like that for a good few minutes before you finally calmed down, not that he let go of you though “If you don't feel like talking about-”

“No, no, you deserve to know. I- I know it's not easy for me but you shouldn't blame yourself either. And I shouldn't take away from your happiness, not now that you've got it all there. Not over something so... stupid anyway.” you shrugged, eyes casted down.

He shook his head nonetheless “Not if it's making you feel like this or cry this much. It's not stupid to me.”

“Don't worry about it, maybe it's some leftover hormones who knows?” you tried to joke about it “And- and it will be when you find out about it. I just-” you took in a shaky breath “I'm happy that we've got her Dean, more than you could ever imagine. I'm relieved she's here all safe and healthy a-and I wouldn't change a thing about being pregnant a-and having her, even if it was a tough pregnancy. That's over now and I wanted things to go back to normal, for us to be a family and live our life as we could, you and me together in any and every way too, b-but I'm- I'm-”

“You're?” the gentle tone in his voice gave you a bit more courage to speak up.

“I'm scared of you seeing me again like that, Dean.” you whispered in a small voice but he certainly heard it.

“Wh-what?” he blinked, his voice deep as he pulled a bit away to look at you “Scared?”

“Ye-yeah” you nodded your head slowly “Scared of being like that again with you, intimate. And- and it's not by any means your fault!” you rushed to tell when you saw the hurt look on his face “It's really not, I- Dean I love and trust you, you know that but I'm- I'm not the same Dean. And we may have done something four or five months ago b-but not after I gave birth to her. I've-” you closed your eyes, taking in a shaky breath “I've gained weight, so much of it, and it's still here. I've got so many stretch marks pretty much everywhere, but mostly my belly. I can't wear my old clothes anymore and I'm- I'm not- Sometimes I can barely look at myself in the mirror and I'm scared of you seeing what I do and... rejecting me. I won't be able to take that, I love you more than I have or could ever love another man.”

“That's- that's the reason why?” he breathed out with wide eyes “You- you think that I'd ever not want you? Is that what you really think of me? Is that how much you trust me?”

“Well, I... yeah. And I need you to know I- I'm not looking for ways to stay away from you because I want to, I even went for a morning run just because I- I want to be the same again but- but it takes time and until that I didn't want to be that close to you because I knew what you'd want and I want it too but I knew I couldn't yet.” you shrugged softly “Besides, it's not that I don't trust you. D, you- you were my first-” you smiled, thinking back to all those years ago “I trusted you and trust you so much to have shared that moment with you, but I still... if I don't feel good with myself then how should I expect you to feel good with who I am now?”

“Who you are now? (Y/n), you're no less than who you've always been to me: The woman I love!” he breathed out with almost wide eyes because he still refused to believed you could ever think like that “Maybe one more thing: The mother of my child, but hell if I love that to death, baby. You-” he pulled a bit away to rest his forehead against yours and cradle your face in his hands “You're my best girl, sweetheart. You should never, and I mean it, never doubt that you would never be enough for me. You're so much more than I ever thought I deserved and I love you with all of my heart for giving me, trusting me with your happiness, (Y/n). Heck, I feel like I'm freakin' blessed every time I wake up next to you let alone get all this love from you.”

“That's not-” you let out a shaky breath, his words already making your heart drum in your chest “You're saying that because you- we- we haven't done anything... you haven't seen me-”

“Then let me prove you just how I feel about this “New” you. Show me and I'll let you know, right away, you can read me like an open book anyway. I won't hide a thing, certainly not lie.” his fingers were already gripping your shirt, slowly lifting it up and making you hold your breath. Knowing Dean he was mostly fighting with his own self to not just lift it over your head right then and there and prove you wrong but he respected you not feeling comfortable and knew that if he did so, he'd make things worse. He wanted- he needed you to believe him about this. “Because if you ever think that you gaining any weight or changing in any physical way will make me want someone else then you're so fucking wrong. There could never be another woman in my life capable of giving me everything I need besides you. Do you think that me, Dean, your Dean, would do that to you? Let me-” he let out a soft breath and only then you realized his lips were so much closer to yours.

Too taken by missing him, by craving him, by his touch and the way his thumb rubbed on your cheek, your eyes slowly falling on his lips that were ghosting over yours, so close you could kiss him right then and there and the thought excitedyou just as much as that first kiss you shared years back “Let me show you, please, let us be that way and you'll know.” he breathed out.

“You're not...” your eyes slowly casted down “You're not gonna like-”

“We'll see that.” his voice was a low husky whisper and his eyes trailed down to your lips as well, although he didn't move. He waited for you and you surely couldn't stop yourself this time but leaned in and pressed your lips hard on his, kissing him with all of your passion.

A small squeak left your lips when you felt him lift you as if you light as a feather and carried you towards your bed. He grinned against your lips and set you down gently, his hands not once leaving your body. Touching softly and yet, as he kissed you too, with such desire you wished he'd still have after-

A gasp left your lips when he lifted your shirt nearly up to your chest, the cold air hitting your skin. He stopped immediately however and pulled away, looking you straight in the eyes “If you really want me to stop then just-”

“No” you whispered, albeit a bit shakily “Don't.”

He nodded his head slowly, his eyes following every move of his hands as he continued his previous actions and lifted the shirt over your head. Not saying a single word he helped you out of your sweats as well and that was when realization set harder on you. Even if he was a man that had seen all of you, standing in your underwear for the first time after your labor that made you feel more exposed than you ever had in your life before, more shy and scared than your first time together too. You felt cold shivers run down your spine, fear creeping in that he'd make a face or not be able to look at you or, in the end, agree that you were right and he didn't find you as attractive.

You weren't much about pleasing or being beautiful for others, not before your own self, but Dean was different. He would always be different and his opinions mattered the most. You couldn't stand to be rejected by him. His expression was impossible to read, at least at that very moment with your Unable to help it, your arms moved a bit so that you could cover yourself but didn't manage to do much when he reached out before you to touch any stretch marks.

“Say something, please.” you caught yourself whispering in a weak voice.

“It's-” he started and then he finally looked up to meet your eyes again and you saw it “Like a painting.” pure awe and love “Like a piece of art. It's-” a soft laugh, beautiful and so tender somehow “It's so beautiful. How- How is it possible? I always thought the stretch marks you had were adorable but this is-” he shook his head, another low chuckle 的s this what you've been hiding from me, sweetheart?

There was a small frown on his face, rather adorable as he looked perplexed, and you only blinked in surprise “Wh-what?”

“I'm just saying, it's not just beautiful because this-” he leaned down, pressing an adoring kiss on your belly “Is a real miracle, able to make me a father, but because-” he crawled up again so that his face was inches away from you as he hovered over you “Βecause it's you and that... makes it gorgeous. And vice versa, this makes you gorgeous. You still are stunning, sweetheart, and you should have never hid this from me.”

Your lips parted, well, they were parted for most of the time but you were probably looking like a gaping fish, unable to form the right words. And this time you didn't get anything else out either, not when Dean's mouth found yours and kissed you hungrily with all of the passion he could master, literally knocking all air out of your lungs.

“You-” the words were out of breath when he pulled away “You- you mean- You don't think I'm- that I look-” you stuttered, still finding it impossible to believe it “You don't mind this?”

“Mind it?” he chuckled softly “Sweetheart, do you really not understand what you're doing to me?” but before you could get to question or say a word, he rested his hips on yours and you instantly got the answer to that question. Your eyes widened impossibly so and a shaky gasp left your lips when you felt that all too familiar pressure. You weren't one to shy about any of this but oh this time you did feel your face heat up. While Dean only gave you that flirty boyish grin.

“Cause trust me-” his voice was really rough, eyes dark and the way he looked at you along with the way his hands trailed over your body with such desire, you felt as if nothing had changed “It's taking all of my freakin' power to not burst right here and now just by looking at you.” and then he bit his lower lip and his eyes roamed your figure and you just knew that look so well you were sure there was no faking it or faking the hard on he had right now.

“So you still think that I'm-” your voice came out shaky.

“The most beautiful woman in the entire freakin' world. And neither these-” he trailed his fingers over your stretch marks “Nor any weight gain or loss can take away any of that.” he glanced up at you once more and you saw such honesty it made your heart burst and new tears well up in your eyes.

“Does it?” you asked softly and he grinned wider, this time pressing his hips on yours and earning a muffled moan from you as you tried to hold it back.

“You got any doubts about?” he raised an eyebrow and biting your lip, and you held your breath “Do you have any doubts honey?” he asked once more and you shook your head.

“N-no, definitely not.” you squeaked out and he chuckled.

“Good.” another kiss, but on your neck “But when you have a hard time believing that, just-” he pressed his lips to yours in a soft peck “Call me and I will love to show you how wrong you are.”

And before you could comprehend it, he was taking off his shirt but also pulling away from your lips or face in general, surprising you “D whe- where are you-”

But you stopped yourself when you saw he lowered himself and realised his lips kissed your hips and trailed to the hem of your panties “What?” he grinned up at you so innocently but you knew the hidden meaning behind it “Thought I was done, honey?”

“But what if- if she wakes up and-”

“I mean we're gonna need a break or two because-” he licked his lips “Oh honey, I'm just getting started and I'm so glad I have so many hours to prove you how gorgeous what I see is.”

[bossladytae]

Five Key HijiTae Moments

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I’ve been shipping Hijikata x Tae /土妙 since 2007, and as self-proclaimed captain of this ship, I’ve sailed without expecting a canon ending. Indeed, I expected nothing more beyond the Yagyuu arc, but Sorachi gave me even more moments to be thankful for - five of which are compiled in this post as a final send-off.  

Before I begin, I wish to convey my gratitude to @arirna​, who is the chief officer of the HijiTae ship, as well as the Tsukuyo to my Tae, our ladies whom we adore so much. I’ve much enjoyed all our numerous discussions on many topics. You make great gifs (thanks for granting my requests! And for allowing me to use and link them in this post because I couldn’t figure out how to embed just one gif from a single post, woe is me), and you’ve long been a staunch supporter of the ship. I will never be able to thank you enough, my friend!

Now then, to the Moments:

I’ve written a summarized analysis of HijiTae and why I like them as a ship before, along with brief mention of other viable Tae and Hijikata ships heavily implied in canon (Kondou, Kyuubei, Mitsuba), so I’m not going to get into them for this post, which is purely to celebrate each HijiTae moment, counting down to what I feel is the most important one.

(5) Episode 18, the “Underwear Thief”

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“Tear him apart.”

“Dismember him and stomp him into the ground.”

“Hey! Both of you are getting very scary!”

Hijikata and Okita are not present in the original manga story arc, but they are added to the anime (no doubt to appeal to audiences with their growing popularity at the time). This is the first instance that made me see the appeal of their potential relationship, as well as the potential friendship that can result from their rare interactions. Early on in the series, I had no particular ships in mind until I watched this episode. Hijikata and Tae start talking about the best ways to torture somebody, and they eventually get so out of hand with their discussion, complete with shoujo anime bubbles and all, that Shinpachi breaks them up because they are too terrifying together. And, indeed, they would be the most terrifying couple in the country.

(4) Character Poll Arc

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“As long as you are around, Shinsengumi, including Kondou-san, won’t be able to stand alone at the top.”

“So you intend to eliminate the woman who is the source of your boss’ scandalous behaviour? I would expect no less from the Demon Vice-Chief. You’re used to doing dirty work.”

Dashing the Fourth Wall to pieces, this arc addresses the original concepts behind some of the characters, particularly those that are based on real historical figures. When Tae rallies Kyuubei, Kagura, Tsukuyo, and Sacchan together to stand against the men, Hijikata and Katsura soon accost them – one to Tae and the other to Kyuubei, and both line-ups make the best sense for each character. Katsura and Kyuubei bicker over their shared characteristics, and they also know each other better since Katsura was once invited to Kyuubei’s birthday party. Tae also knows Katsura, but she’s very familiar to the Shinsengumi for obvious reasons. Hijikata and Tae facing off allows Kondou to seamlessly return to the scene, since he has closer ties to Hijikata and Tae. 

What I enjoy about this interaction is the way Tae is fearless around Hijikata; his demon nickname and reputation don’t intimidate her. She knows just how to push his buttons, too, teasing him about his voice actor and how historians have a bone to pick with such brazen depictions of famed samurai. As for Hijikata, he reveals that he knows just how much of a powerful force she is, wielding great influence over the Shinsengumi, impacting their reputation with their commander under her thumb.

This interaction shows the potential for fun bantering and bickering between them. They don’t hesitate to challenge one another, and as we see in the top two moments below, they also don’t hesitate to support or defend one another/what’s important to them for the other’s sake.

(3) Timeskip Arc

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“Please, for our child’s sake, we have to run away! To a world without gorillas!”

“Did you think something like this would fool me? Give me the kid and scram. I’ll look after him.”

Never in my wildest imagination did I think Sorachi would give us a canon child for this ship. Togoro is the hypothetical son of Hijikata and Tae in an otherwise hilarious farce of a story arc. Tae is noted to be pregnant and married to Kondou, and then gives birth within an hour to a baby whose father is revealed to be Hijikata. She wants to run off with him and raise their child together. Hijikata refuses, saying he will raise the child as a single father. And then he proceeds to name the child (as a fifteenth son and as a combination of his and Tamegoro’s names) and begs Shinpachi to let Togoro live.

Some people say Tae’s ambition was to have a child with Hijikata. To me, it’s more like she envisioned a soap opera plot line, typical of the drama series she watches, especially since when she and Hijikata first talk in the Yagyuu arc, she imagined Kondou and Hijikata vying for her affections in true theatrical style. She could have had that baby with somebody else, but once again, Hijikata is in the mix, and probably made for a more dramatic soap opera story line of a woman caught between the police chief and his deputy.

As for Hijikata’s ambition, well, it’s a little hard to say since he and Shinpachi were the stand-in for the audience, trying to unravel this mystery of a wart-infused world only to find that they had become warts themselves. At least we see that Hijikata, once confronted with the possibility of fatherhood, was willing to take responsibility. He’s not explicitly interested in Tae as a romantic prospect, and I don’t expect it since Sorachi would and should have written obvious interest (something that people can’t deny) between them right from the start, so that it would make sense later.

But, it doesn’t change the fact that Togoro is Hijikata and Tae’s hypothetical son and theirs alone, warts and all.

(2) Farewell Shinsengumi Arc

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“If you really do want to drink, I don’t mind spending a while with you.”

“If you poured it for me with that face, I wouldn’t be able to drink it.”

There are few moments that have triggered Hijikata into fierce emotional reaction. He has shed tears for Mitsuba, the Shinsengumi’s disbandment and Kondou’s arrest, and Kondou’s revival. He’s gotten angry on behalf of not only Kondou, but also Tetsunosuke for what Isaburou was doing and saying to him. Hijikata is short-tempered, most of the time for comedic purposes, and he’s endured many ordeals in his young life, so it takes a lot to push him over the edge into true sorrow and true rage.

Nobu Nobu cuts the neck (actually does cut it in the manga) of a teary-eyed Tae, who defended Kondou and his reputation. She knows she could easily lose her life for going against the Shogun. That was the reason Hijikata had held back on doing or saying anything. Perhaps he feared anything he might do would advance Kondou’s execution, threaten the remaining Shinsengumi, and further endanger civilians’ lives. Feeling he could do nothing, he stood there, taking the shame and the mockery from both Isaburou and Nobu Nobu – that is, until Tae’s life is threatened. And, finally, Hijikata reacts with a terrifying gleam of rage in his eyes.

This is the kind of trope that comes standard with any kind of ship, romantic or platonic, when someone shows great concern and fury for another being threatened. If this were another series, people would be proclaiming “canon” all over the place, but in this fandom, very few acknowledge this scene, and they skip over to other parts instead. But that doesn’t make Hijikata or Tae’s acts insignificant.

As for Tae, we’ve seen her shed tears of sorrow for Kyuubei, for Hajime, and now for Kondou. While it has taken many chapters to reach this point, it’s clear she respects and believes him to be a good man. Standing up to a tyrannical shogun at this point in the story could mean immediate execution. Tae risked her life to defend Kondou, to stand up for what she believed in, and it did not go unnoticed. We know how devoted Hijikata is to Kondou, how his arrest left Hijikata in such a broken state of mind, but Tae’s defense and life-threatening moment sparked something once more; the catalyst needed for when the rest of the Shinsengumi reignited that fire within.

Of course, it could have been anyone else, and Hijikata would have done his best to ensure no civilians are harmed. But he wasn’t able to move or act during that time of mockery by his enemies. He said and felt he couldn’t do anything at all with Kondou gone. But I think hearing Tae’s impassioned speech, sharing in her belief that Kondou would never conduct himself so shamefully, inspired him to act. He knows Tae is important to Kondou, and I like to think Tae is important enough to Hijikata as a comrade, as a friend—and the potential for more is what fans love about this scene.

Kozenigata did call the Shinsengumi, “her police,” and that includes Hijikata. It’s why she played a role in the Farewell Shinsengumi arc, and in the Silver Soul arc, she welcomed them back home to Edo. The Shinsengumi admire, fear, and respect Tae, and so her police they remain.  

(1) Yagyuu Arc

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“I…am the worst, aren’t I? In the end…going off on my own…I got other people hurt because of it. Causing trouble for Kyuu-chan…and for everyone else. Even though I couldn’t see it through until the very end, I did it with such half-hearted conviction… What I did in the end wasn’t for anyone’s sake.”

“You’re not a Buddha. Did you think you could save everyone in front of you? No matter how many bones you break trying, there are things you can save and things you can’t. So what? Is your way of life so fragile that it would break with this? Now, if there was someone who could be saved by your so-called half-hearted kindness…what would you do?”

This is the official first HijiTae moment within Sorachi’s manga canon: the Yagyuu arc launched two new Tae ships. You’d think the previous moment would be the culmination of everything, but it is the beginning that I find the most important because it shows that Hijikata and Tae are capable of civil conversation and speaking to one another as equals.

We first start out with a comedic exchange in which Tae thinks Hijikata has come to battle for her heart against Kondou, followed by a brief banter of which drama series best suits Kondou and Tae’s imaginary tales. But the point of his visit is to convince Tae to marry Kondou just to help him avoid marrying a gorilla. He earns bonus points for saying that “No means no” when a woman declines.

Later, after the main events of the arc, Tae invites everyone back to Snack Smile to apologize to them, but they’re present at Kondou’s wedding. Only Hijikata goes, and I think he went back because he knows Tae has a good heart. He doesn’t ask her specifically to marry Kondou again, but he listens to her outpouring of feelings over the situation. He then gives practical advice, and in a roundabout way, asks if she will consider just saving Kondou from his wedding at least. And Tae does.

What I love about this arc is their conversations – from casual and fun to serious and thought-provoking – and it didn’t take them hundreds of chapters to reach that point. They arrived there easily and naturally. This quiet moment of introspection they share was more than enough for me to solidify my love for them, and that fondness for the HijiTae ship has continued on for almost twelve years.

BONUS: Soul Switch Arc

A bonus only because it doesn’t strictly involve the two of them alone.

People often forget that Tae only blushed after Hijikata-in-Gintoki’s-body flirted with her. She was charmed by Hijikata’s way of flirting, which was very genteel and sincere and a bit impassioned, much like the way he wrote Shinpachi’s letter for Kirara. When Gintoki-in-Hijikata’s body attempted his usual way of flirting, Tae was unimpressed, aside from being skeptical that Hijikata would truly proposition her. However, once she took it as truth, she was more than willing to consider him a prospect.

In my opinion, Gintoki on his own really doesn’t do anything for Tae since the only moments she was romantically attracted to him was when he lost his memories and original personality, and when he was actually Hijikata. She has also mentioned desiring a partner with a stable income, and I can see someone more traditional, not to mention stricter in handling one’s responsibilities, fitting in better with her lifestyle (hence why Kondou and Kyuubei are the other commonly teased ships), whereas Gintoki is more unconventional about life, going at his own pace. Tae always bases her life around goals and working toward them; she’s not the type to sit around, doing nothing, waiting only to welcome people home when she has a life and dream of her own, too.

There are some other minor interactions (not to mention that Otose and Tatsugoro parallel), but these five are the most important and relevant. 

And there you have it. This is a summary of why I enjoy the Hijikata x Tae ship so much. They are both people who hold fast to their convictions, and who do their best to be strong for others’ sake, both leading, respectively, a district and a military police force. They are capable of comedic and civil conversations with one another; prone to bickering but also fighting for one another’s cause based on what they feel is right. At the very least, they remain friends and comrades in the end.

Nothing changes what Sorachi wrote about and for them. It was all his decision, not mine, and if others can celebrate moments for their ship, then there’s no reason I can’t, either. All the negative arguments people throw at me, I have addressed before, so I will not waste time doing so again. I’m not obligated to respond or justify a fictional ship to strangers on the Internet at their demand. Fandom is not a monolith required to bend to a single person’s will, and liking one ship doesn’t cause the erasure of others (that line of reasoning is beyond ridiculous). If you don’t like the ship, the simplest thing is to move on with your life and forget the ship exists.

[scarletfwooper]

Okay some background on Adrianna. The Clemonts were once a powerful andprestigious Pureblood family, but as in time moved on the eventually faded. This occurred for many reasons: from disinterment to dismembering’s. Not to mention ceaseless in fighting keep them constantly for internal power. Adrianna was the youngest of 11 children (all now deceased), but none the less she was still raised the pureblood way. With only a few months difference between her and her best friend Molly they ended up being in the same year.

Adrianna, much to her parents joy, was sorted into the prestigious house of Slytherine. She was a highly determined student earning high marks across the board. Not to mention she earned being both prefect and head girl in her year. She was a beater for Slytherine and had a long running on off relationship with Slytherine seeker Caradoc Dearborn whom she eventually married.

Her hatred for her parents and their values eventually drove a wedge between them. Adrianna did have somewhat of a mean streak and could have been said to be petty and hotheaded at times. It wasn’t unusual for her to get in fights. During her time at Hogwarts and for a short while afterwards she was a strong social activist. She fought heavily against injustice and longed to open a new branch of the ministry.

Before the war her and Caradoc were married in a small ceremony among friends. They had their firs child, Jacob Dearborn. Both loved him dearly and dotted on him with abandon. When the war broke out they joined the Order of the Phoenix, though her name never made it onto the register. Unexpectedly Adrianna got pregnant and gave birth to her second child. After which she suffered severe post pardon depression.

Things during the war began to look worse and worse. Before long she was the only Clemont left standing. Tension began to build between her and her husband as paranoia ran rampant. It became apparent there was a mole in the Order. Naturally obvious suspects arose. One fight during a storm Adrianna found herself in rather unfortunate circumstances.

During the height of the conflict, Caradoc vanished and was never heard from afterwards. According to Alastor Moody, he disappeared six months after the photograph of the original Order was taken. His body was never found and he was presumed dead.

The only ones to witness the event being Jacob Adrianna and her young babe. Jacob Dearborn became Jacob Clemont and her young child became Saffron Clemont. They escaped in the middle of the night to the Weasleys where they stayed for several years until they left with little to no explanation.

The wizarding world moved on and forgot about Caradoc or the fact he had a family for the most part. Jacob, however, didn’t forget. His mistrust and resentment grew into something of it’s own. He spent much of his childhood attempting to uncover the truth. Until his tenth birthday he would sneak out to search for answers. It was then that Saffron followed him.

The tragedy that followed is unspoken of to this very day.

But day by day Jacob drifted farther towards the dark and those who loved him. It was not completely unexpected to her that one day he just vanished all together. Afterall, is that not how she raised him? The blow however was harsh. A rejection she never recovered from. And Saffron inconsolable as she was was only a reminder of all the things she lost for what appeared no reason to her. She left Britain for the America’s and began a life of wealth and excess. In lue of helping others she indulged in her worst impulses.

The results spoke for themselves. She was rich, popular, and partying every night. The world belonged to the strongest. Paranoia and envy and narcissism now rule her every move. Should another war occur she would not be blindside again. She would never again feel that painful sting of loss. Besides… being wicked was so much more fun.

[if-i-told-you-wouldyoujudgeme]

The thing that took me 5 years to tell you, aka My 20th Year, aka My Shame-filled Secret.

If you see this and you need me to make another tag for triggers let me know.

Trigger warning: instances of rape, sexual assault, mentions of binge eating. 

I’ve done my best to address the ‘whens’ but the whole year was a bit of a blur in that respect.

...

                                                   Ok, so...

The day I turned 20 (November 2011) I broke up with my high school boyfriend. We had been on and off for a few years and I felt like I had fought a long time to make it work. Although he was always super respectful in the bedroom, he had become quite jealous, critical and controlling and I had escaped my hometown to complete a Teaching Degree. And although I really did (and still do) love him, and I was scared that no one else would be that respectful to me in the bedroom (which is a fact he constantly reminded me of) there really wasn’t a real reason to continue. With the addition of a myriad of other reasons, on the morning of my birthday, I couldn’t take anymore. We broke up by text message.

Now as depressing as that is, and was, I was loving life at Uni. For a few months, I was away from my unhealthy relationship, away from my family, away from everyone who ever knew me and told me who I was. I had left town deciding that I was going to be whoever I really was and if I didn’t like who I was, then I would work on that as it came. 

As it turns out, I was ok. I was independent, I made amazing friends in some strong, determined women who understood where I was trying to get myself, loved me for who I was and who supported me when things got difficult. 

I was learning the importance of hard work and after 6 months of battling binge eating issues before I had left, discovering that there was more to ‘being happy’ then numbing my feelings with food. I was also pretty broke, so I didn’t have much choice. As a result, I had lost a bit of weight (not in a very healthy way). By the time I had come home for Christmas that year, I was feeling pretty great and as far as people told me, generally just looking healthy and happier.

Since I was out of being under the control of my ex, I spent the Christmas break with a childhood friend that I adored, in between supermarket shifts. He was my favourite person in the world, the light of my life but was very troubled, and for a reason that I am still not quite sure of, we just stopped talking. Which did nothing good for the inner turmoil I was internally dealing with that maybe I didn’t want to acknowledge.

                                Then things weren’t so great.

It was not long after this, that a chance encounter while running errands for my mother lead me to run into him. My high school ‘friend’ (not to be confused with boyfriend, although we had dated briefly in high school). The one my high school boyfriend had always warned me to stay away from (though, he said that about everybody).

When I look back now, the relationship was terrible from the start. But my loving and loyal nature wouldn't let me see it, to my own disadvantage. We would have only dated for 6 months (maybe not even that long) but it took less than that to kill the very essence of who I was.

Like I said, when I look back now, the relationship was always terribly unhealthy for me. We always did what he wanted, even if I hated it, even if it made me miserable. He was a cricket umpire, I hated cricket, he would make me go to the matches anyway... all of them. I didn’t really drink and wasn’t comfortable in pubs, he would drag me to the local pub, get drunk, gamble away his money all while having me there as an accessory, to make him feel special, his possession to touch when he wanted. If I didn’t feel like kissing him, hugging him, being touched, he did it anyway. It was ALWAYs that way.

But he wasn’t horrible to just me. The way he spoke to his mother, the women who gave birth to him, the women who worked her butt off supporting people with disabilities for their family should have been the biggest red flag. But I wanted to believe everything would be ok, that for me he’d be different.

No matter how much I pushed back and said no, things always went his way. We NEVER did what I wanted. We never spent time with my friends, only his. Every time I needed him to come through, he let me down. Every time he said he would, he didn’t. Why did I keep going? Honestly, I genuinely believed I was doing the right thing by the guy I chose to be with.

                                    The hardest part to tell you.

Now I’ve been dragging on a little with things that may not even matter because I am avoiding the hardest part of the story. 

I no longer address this person as an ex. I almost never address him by name. He is only ever addressed, even in my personal diary, or in counselling, by his first initial, or by what he really is... my rapist.

To you, knowing what you know so far, it seems kind of obvious. Hell, it’s pretty obvious to me now, I should have run for the hills. But in the midst of it, for whatever reason, I couldn’t see it.

As much as I should be able to explain different instances of what can be described as rape. I can’t. Only some details that have only just started to return to me and no specific dates. Yes, dates. It happened more than once. In fact, it was a regular occurrence. I would sometimes travel 5 hours in my tiny car naively thinking it wouldn’t happen this time.

How do I know I was raped? How did it happen so many times? Am I sure that’s what it was? Why didn’t I scream? 

There’s is probably a million things I have heard on the rare occasions I have told people that I just couldn’t answer. It becomes so hard to answer when you feel the intense burning of anger throughout your entire body and your brain becomes so clouded you begin doubting your own experience. And up until recently, I was completely unable to recall details or even sensations because I struggled to accept that it even happened. It was because of the inability to recall details, that I don't think anybody really took me seriously.

It isn’t until now that even the people I did tell in the past, will know the whole story.

But I know what happened. I was there. I felt the pain. I felt the fear. I felt the loss of control over what is supposed to be my body.

How do I know it happened? How do I know it was rape? ... I did not give consent. When it first happened, I believed that it was a misunderstanding. That I just didn’t make it clear enough that I didn’t feel like having sex, that the use of a condom is a condition of my consent, that this was on me. But as time went on and it continued, when it happened again and again,  I realised that nothing short of hurting him would make this stop. 

Why didn’t I hurt him, kick him, scream for help, knowing his family would hear me? Well, it’s not that simple.

We all know that when we feel threatened, and the adrenaline starts flowing through our veins, that it engages our “fight or flight response”. Therefore in this situation, I would either do everything I can to escape him or fight him till he is unable to hurt me right? 

Not me. Not when it’s someone I am supposed to be able to trust.

It’s not often talked about but there is a third response to such danger. The freeze response. That was me. The phrase you’ve heard of, “being frozen in fear”? That’s real, it happens. It happens to me when I am threatened at the hands on someone I trust or love. It happened when my high school boyfriend raised his hand at me because I wouldn’t move during a depressive episode earlier the year before and it happened then.

I was scared. I was frozen in fear. I wanted to get out. A part of me wanted to hurt him, to scream, to fight. But I was stuck. Every time, I physically went blank. I had a million things running through my mind and I couldn’t focus on a single thing long enough to make use of it. And this was every time. Every time I believed it wouldn’t happen again, that I could do something more to get him to stop, that he just didn’t get it and I needed to help him get it. But every time the new thing I tried didn’t work. Every time, my head would race but my body would eventually freeze.

Pretending to be asleep didn’t work ( for all he knew I was actually asleep). Gently saying I didn’t feel like it didn’t work. Firmly saying “no” or “stop it” didn’t work. Pushing back or trying to push him off me didn’t work. Being in pain and saying so didn’t work. The bleeding didn’t work. Asking for more “me time” didn’t work. Reminding him that I didn’t want to have sex without a condom didn’t work. I was never safe. The only time I ever could recall feeling like I’d be listened to in general was when his mother was around. they were the rare occasions when I knew he wouldn’t mistreat me because he knew she would call him out on it.

If I was with him and we were alone we had to have sex. It was mostly at his family home but not always.

Why didn’t I leave him? A part of me was scared of him. If he would do this then what wouldn’t he do? 

Another part of me believed that he loved me, it was my duty and I Ioved him. 

Another tiny part of me believed it was what was expected of me, it was his right.

I’m still not sure what thoughts were my own, and what were the ones he made me believe.

                                          I remember once...

On one occasion, we were with mutual friends (from high school) at the pub I had grown to hate. One of which had a fiance who was heavily pregnant. She was also with us. The guys were drinking somewhat heavily but I chose to be super sober because I was protective over the pregnant fiance. They were super in love, and super excited about the arrival of their first baby. I was super happy for them. Apparently so was he. He wished it was us and made no secret about it. To be honest, I didn’t completely hate it (not yet anyway). It was nice to think he wanted a family with me. Again, I believed he loved me.

As he got more drunk throughout the evening, he became more pushy about starting a family. I brushed him off because he was just being silly and drunk and was just being influenced by the presence of his best friend. it all seemed pretty cut and dry. I figured because he was so drunk it would be easier to simmer the pushiness down especially after the friends had left. But as usual, I was so wrong. He was going to try to get me pregnant that night and I had no say in the matter. 

Stupidly, I had rebelled against being on the pill after my last breakup, because I was forced by my ex’s mother to be on it and to not be on it made me feel more in control of myself. So to say that I was berating myself at this point is an understatement. 

No words can describe the fear I felt that night.

That instance is one that sticks in my memory so much because it was the one that I felt the most fear, the least control. I did not want to have a child. Not yet. I had just started my degree and finishing it was the most important thing in the world to me. The idea of getting pregnant at that time of my life was terrifying. The idea of someone forcing me and my body into such an unwanted situation was terrifying. I was relieved when he wasn’t successful.

*EDIT:                    The time I was ‘asleep’...

As a result of posting the original post (or coincidently), I had a flashback of the incident I referenced about being asleep so I’m adding it.

It was night time. The bedroom lights were off. The weather was warm. I was at his family home, in his bedroom. It was either one of the weekends I made the 5-hour trip in a day to be with him or a uni break. I don’t remember. We were both in ‘bed’ (it wasn't really a bed, it was a mattress) trying to get to sleep. 

At this point in my life, I was pretty miserable so it was not unusual for me to be lying still for ages in the dark while he went to sleep. He always thought I was asleep. That was how I liked it. 

On this occasion, I was lying there but genuinely trying to sleep. He was constantly rolling around, clearly unable to get to sleep. That was when we hugged me. Again, not an unusual occurrence. I was his favourite possession after all. But once his arms went around me, it was unlikely he would lie still.

I didn’t stir.

He began his usual act of ‘affectionately’ kissing what he had access to, none of the stuff I actually liked though. It wasn’t for me. Love wasn’t his style. It wasn’t about what I enjoyed. This was about waking me up, and getting me only just ready enough to have what he wanted.

I still didn’t stir.

My theory was, that if I behaved as though I was deeply asleep, he would get frustrated, then bored, then stop, then go to sleep. This time at least, that’s not what happened.

At no point did I stir in a way that seemed as though I was going to wake up and engage. I sleepily brushed him off with my arms. I made that sound you make when you’re dreaming and you say no in your dream and rolled away from him. But he did not let off. 

I was so sure he’d get frustrated and stop because I was clearly not giving consent. I clearly did not want to have sex. I kept up the charade of sleeping, I kept on not engaging. I was quiet. I didn’t kiss him back at all. By the time I realised that this was another instance where things were completely out my control, it was too late. I was frozen. I remember looking at him in the eyes. I remember the hatred I felt for him. I remember the moment another part of me died. I remember not being able to speak. I remember not being able to move.

He finished. He told me he loved me. He rolled over and went to sleep. 

  Then another time (this one’s not so bad, but still bad)...

There was one other instance among the many that I remember in more detail and is arguably not as bad because what could have happened, didn’t. 

It again involved the presence of his 2 best friends and the fiance mentioned before. I am pretty sure that it was Australia Day 2012 but it may have been later. It was a rather hot day at his house and he and I were essentially playing host to his friends with snacks and stuff.

For whatever reason, we decided it would be an awesome idea to get kiddy pools from K-mart (the ones that came with ball pit balls) and play around with them. So I, his single friend and the pregnant fiancee, (who were the only sober ones) drove the 20 min each way to get them. I’m still not sure why the other 2 didn’t come with.

Anyway, after a fun-filled afternoon playing around with the hose and pools and plastic balls, we were really wet but it was kinda warm so it wasn’t so bad. At least not to me. While we were all sitting around on the verandah, talking the afternoon away in the sun, he announces that he’s going to go shower. This is nothing out of the ordinary, obviously, on top of the fact that he showered many times a day anyway (and yet always smelled terrible). 

He asked me if I wanted to come, which again was not out of the ordinary. I, naively thinking that I was safer in front of his friends, declined saying that I thought it was rude to leave his friends there without either him or me around. Internally, it was more about knowing what it meant, and just generally really not wanting to have a shower yet. He then insisted. I replied by firmly saying “I said no”, again thinking because there were witnesses, he would back off. 

Once again, I was incredibly wrong. What followed was him grabbing my wrist to get me to follow him. I got myself loose, again firmly reiterating that I didn’t want to have a shower and sat back down. 

Again, he grabbed my wrist and proceeded, with more force, to drag me towards the stairs in order to get me up them and into the bathroom. During this, I was trying to stay calm but firm. I remember very clearly repeating phrases with increasing desperation and loudness such as, “I said no”, “I don’t want to” and “stop, you’re hurting me”.

Despite my increasing force to get away, despite thinking I would manage to break free at the base of the stairs, he, although skinny and lean, was able to drag my fat ass up a flight of stairs and into the bathroom. 

His friends (I now know they weren’t my friends) did nothing, said nothing. I guess they didn’t want to get involved in a domestic issue. If it was so bad I would hurt him or adrenaline would kick in, right? I thought so too.

Which brings us back to the scene in the bathroom. He positioned himself between me, and the only door of that room. He could see I was mad because he kept trying to make out like I was being ridiculous and that it all didn’t have to be this way if I just did was he was asking me to do. I guess he thought that I would think it was easier to do what he wanted then make the effort to go back downstairs after all that. 

But I wasn’t having it. Not this time. I wanted out. I’d would continue to play happy-go-lucky girlfriend later, but this, for whatever reason, I wouldn’t take. I was going to get out of this particular situation untouched, even if I had to draw blood to get it. I didn’t care about what those people downstairs thought of me. I didn’t care about my pride or keeping up appearances. I only wanted what should have rightfully been mine. The right to decide what I did with my body.

The rage that filled me when I saw that he placed himself between me and the escape route was unforgettable, indescribable and unlike me. The need to survive was my only focus. The route of escape was my goal and I was going to reach it. He was shirtless standing in front of me, assuming I’d back down. I looked him straight in the eyes, and with all the strength and venom I could muster, uttered the unforgettable phrase calmly, honestly... “Let me out, or I WILL kill you”. 

I might not have killed him if he didn’t move, but I was going to hurt him. Whatever it took to get out that door, I would have done. 

It didn’t come to that. 

He moved out of the way and got in the shower. I closed the door behind me, composed myself, went downstairs and back to ‘our guests’ like nothing had happened. None of us spoke about it again.

                                              After that...

I’d like to tell you that was the end of it. That that was the straw that broke the camels back. That I had enough and left him. But it wasn’t and I didn’t. I think we were together a few months after that, with things still pretty much the same. 

The relationship ended one night after he got depressed about losing his job, got himself drunk, gambled away all of his money and texted me while I was at my mother’s house saying that he couldn’t do it anymore.

I was angry but relieved. Just like in the bathroom, this was my escape route and I was going to take it.

He sobered up the next day, saying that he’d taken it all back, that he was just really messed up, that he couldn’t live without me. I wouldn’t have it. I was free and I was never going back.

He harassed me for a while after that. Abusive message after abusive message after abusive phone calls, trying everything he could think of to bring me down, to hurt me, to threaten me. He knew where I lived while I was at Uni and I was so scared that he would make his way up, that I’d have to face him. But it never happened.

I later found out, through the grapevine that he proceeded to tell slanderous, completely baseless lies about me, trying to destroy my reputation and my name behind my back, to people I don’t even know, to the girlfriends after me. 

I never got my victory. I never got revenge. He will never be charged. I can never prove in a court of law what happened to me. But it doesn't change the fact that it happened. 

                                       It got a little better...

After that relationship. I was pretty broken. I was always scared. It may have even been where my anxiety started to impact my life. It was that fear that I was broken, that I was unsafe, unwanted, used, damaged goods, that led me to the person who loved me before I became broken. My high school boyfriend.

Indirectly because of what happened to me, he and I got back together and stayed together for a year and a half. There was “I told you so’s” involved and of course, the relationship was not healthy, just like before. But I knew it got worse and I knew I was loved which was what I craved the most. 

In a really messed up way, he protected me, he was a kind of refuge and I will always love him and be thankful for that.

He was the only one I felt I could tell and who would believe me. For a couple of years, he was the only one I did tell and even then, he never knew all of it. I refused to talk about it and he couldn’t handle the details.

At least for a short time, I was safe, safe from the perpetrator, safe from the memories, sometimes I was even happy. I wasn’t ready to deal, wasn’t ready to heal. I needed to forget. To revert to a happier time. But I always knew I couldn’t stay there.

                                       Why have I said all this...

I know I can’t do anything about it. But it wasn’t until 4 years after the got drunk and dumped me that I was ready to accept what had happened. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was forced to move back to my hometown where it all happened and was too broke to leave, I probably never would have. 

After I confessed in counselling that it was something that happened to me that may have been keeping me from dealing with my anxiety, the flashbacks started. They still happen. Memories come, seemingly at random, without reason and without provocation. They come in the form of images, sounds, smells and sensations and they are all part of the process. They sound scary but I learned to deal.

I’ve documented this part of my life for a few seasons. For some people in my life, it’s essential knowledge because it helps me outline why I might act strangely in some situations or completely avoid other situations altogether. For me, it’s a reminder that it did happen. I can’t deal with what I refuse to acknowledge. It’s no way in the hopes of gaining sympathy or revenge. I don't need either.

Most importantly I’ve done it because rape/ sexual assault/ sexual abuse/ sexual violence takes many forms. This is just one story. I am just one person. Recently in the light of the #metoo movement in relation to H.W (I won’t name him, he doesn’t deserve to be humanised at this point), I was humbled by the women who chose to share their experiences. 

But having said that, it’s important to remember that survivors don’t owe you their story. If this kind of thing happens to you, regardless of the gender of you or the perpetrator what you do with the experience is up to you. Who you tell and when you tell them is up to you. You have control over what you do with the information.

                                  So again why did I share mine...

The main reason is empowerment. Being factual about what happened has empowered me because I have to deal with it. It no longer holds power over me. It just is something that happened to me. I am hoping that this will help me to let it go just that little bit more.

I know that I am lucky. To be able to seem so ‘normal’, especially when it comes to relationships. I am lucky that I can emotionally differentiate between the guy that did this and other people.

That doesn’t mean it no longer affects me. It doesn’t mean I’m glad it happened. It doesn't mean I'll ever go back to the person I was before. I am forever changed because of it, a part of me will always be dead.

Rape is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

Another reason I did this is to challenge the mainstream ideas about what rape is. 

In my case, it was not perpetrated by a stranger. I was not drunk or intoxicated by anything. I did not wear revealing clothes. I was not alone in the dark walking home. He was not a family member. I was not a child. I did say no. I did fight him off at times. I happened to be a female, he happened to be a male.

But even if all those factors were different... I did not give consent, we still had sex. That is rape.

His refusal to wear a condom, which was a condition of my consent, one that I was not quiet about, means that consent was not given or was revoked, even if up until that point, I was a willing participant. He engaged in sex with me where there was no consent, or where consent was removed. Non-consensual sex is rape. Rape is not a spectrum. It happens to both genders. It happens in hetero and homosexual relationships. It is usually about power and control.

My last reason is to empower and reassure others, because I know that sharing my story is not going to make it stop, unfortunately. But it will give anyone who reads it a look into the mind of someone that this has happened to.

                 Before we leave the bad stuff behind...

I want to arm you with information I have discovered along the way and some things I wish I knew then, may you never need it:

The leading cause of PTSD in both genders is rape. It is essentially the most traumatic event any human can go through. More people develop PTSD as a direct result of sexual violence than as a result of going to war, which personally blows my mind.

That doesn’t mean that you are broken. I am not broken. I am still able to love and trust. I am still able to enjoy physical contact. But I have my moments and the only way people have come to understand me is by me telling them. The most important thing to me now is control over my body, my life.

Some people can’t handle the story. They’ll deny it or disbelieve you. They may run from you because they are scared of making things worse for you. They may simply not understand or know how to deal with it. Unfortunately, it’s another aspect of the ordeal. But you are strong enough to keep moving regardless. 

There are people who do understand, who will listen, who do care, even if they have never been there. There are people whose actual job it is to help you get through this.

Deal when you are ready. Talk about it when you are ready. Report it to the police if/ when you are ready. Remeber this is a crime. If this happens to you if someone does this to you, their reputation does not matter, their job does not matter. They committed the crime of sexual violence, the consequences of that are their problem, not yours.

My experience and the aftermath will not match yours. The way the trauma expresses itself in everybody is different and whatever way it does express itself is ok. Never let anyone’s presumptions of rape and trauma or mental illness, in general, make you feel like your experiences are invalid. They are valid. You are valid.

The rest is stuff I wish I knew then.

You do not have to provide anyone with access to your body to prove that you love them.

The first thing you are likely to want to do when something like this happens is get washed up, change your clothes and scrub every cell on your body, but you mustn’t. 

As soon as possible, get to a hospital. You do not have to report it to police.

Evidence can be collected up to 5 days and help for up to 6 months, whether or not you chose to report it to police.

Testing for date rape drugs can be done from 24 hours to 72 hours.

Medications to prevent pregnancies and STD’s need to be started within 72 hours.

A rape crisis counsellor or support person can go with you to the hospital.

Everything you do or don’t do is your choice.

No matter who tries to bend it that way, rape is never your fault. You are not invisible. I see you. I care.

                                                      Well...

I know that that is all kinda long and heavy, but so is the process of dealing with rape. Now that I’ve told this part of my life. I’d like to back it up with the positives that came along after the initial shock of dealing with it. But it will have to come at another time.

For now, know that I stayed in Uni, got my degree, loved my friends, loved my family, and got the chance to live my dreams and that I did it all despite what happened to me in my 20th year.

Until then, remember that you are not what happens to you. Thank you for seeing me if you got this far. 

Love always,

Sarah.