#nothing left to do but get gender nullification surgery when i can afford it sometime after my mom passes
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im just fucked completely theres no hope at all
#i deserve no clemency i dont deserve to move past my failings#the only times ive been close to happy are when ive been naive and ignorant#and the times ive been miserable are when im much more insightful and incisive of myself#theres nothing to love about myself#maybe if i had the means to move forward with my life but i dont#i have to live here in the middle of nowhere and help take care of my mom#shes told me multiple times shed be dead if i wasnt with her#and shes right#i cant leave#cant explore life#my youth is over#my college years are spent#what would have been my college years anyway#nothing left to do but get gender nullification surgery when i can afford it sometime after my mom passes#and just live life alone#never gonna feel a girl run her fingers through my hair#never gonna hear a woman say that im her girl#no point#no life#none of this means anything#the mao sugiyama to budd dwyer pipeline#and i dont deserve it. i dont understand being a woman#and i never will#misogyny is so cooked into the fiber of my being that to undo it would be to undo myself#ig that means that since i have an obligation to undo misogyny#i also have an obligation to commit suicide down the line#not for a while. not while my moms alive#and maybe i dont deserve to get off that easy#and should just rot in dickless misery for the rest of my life
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