#now genos on the other hand would absolutely start to throw hands on his masters behalf

[littlebigmouse]

Listen, if it came down to it, Saitama vs Reigen in a fight, Saitama would lose like 98% of the time because it wouldn't be funny for the strongest man alive to deck your average civilian office worker.

The thing is, it would also not be funny for "my secret move is a surprise sucker punch" Reigen to deck some random superhero. So unless we pick a scenario where one of the two is super evil for some reason, a fight between them wouldn't be interesting.

(I'm already eliminating Mob from this conversation because there is no universe where Mob and Saitama would have a go against each other, they're bros)

However! Were the fight to be not physical, but social?

Reigen and Saitama meet at the cabbage sale of the local supermarket, both gunning for the last head that's 70% off at the same time. Saitama is faster, but dramatically so. Not wanting to lose like that, Reigen begins to give Saitama a social dressing down, about anything from his costume to how roughly he grabbed the cabbage to the disrespect he's showing his elders to whichever other japanese social convention Saitama could feasibly be implied to be breaking in this situation. Saitama is now put on the spot, and it's embarassing - he usually doesn't care too much for these things, but he doesn't want to get a bad rep at his favourite convenience store, you fell him? Saitama seriously considers to throw hands. All eyes of the other customers are on them now.

Instead, Mob walks up and says something matter of factly that completely obliterates Reigen's social convention high ground, probably something about being the bigger person. Both adults were just obliterated by a seemingly otherwise socially inept child. Insisting to get the cabbage now would mean to publically show off to be less mature than the fourteen year old.

Their just about to calculate how to play this, get into a first round of "Ah well, please go ahead and take the cabbage, I insist" that Saitama barely gets out through clenched teeth. Then a sweet, kind old lady walks up and takes the cabbage, even thanking them for it. Neither of them can do anything about this.

No one wins.

The old lady winks at Mob in passing but he isn't sure if he just imagined it.

[aforrestofstuff]

For all heroes, how many would punch out their best friend or master for 100,000 dollars or the equivalent of yen?

Thanks for the request, anon! ❤️❤️

Disclaimer: this is hella crack lol

Would do it:

Tornado of Terror: The closest thing she has to a group of friends is her dumbass coworkers and she thinks about merkin these hoes at least 87 times a day. It doesn’t help that she can make everyone’s head explode with a sideways glare either. You’re gonna have to pay her NOT to rock everyone’s shit at some point. She’s tired.

Silverfang: it’s canon he beat the shit out of Charanko just so the little fucker wouldn’t get tied up in the Garou situation (which backfired horribly), so he’d definitely uppercut the poor bastard for 100,000 big ones and then give Charanko like 15% of it (plus a firm handshake) as reparations. Silverfang also has an older brother. So, speaking as someone who also, unfortunately, has an older brother, I can say with absolute certainty that he’d punch Bomb for free. Maybe not now, but definitely when they were both younger.

Atomic Samurai: his best friends are his disciples. I’d be lying if I said he didn’t occasionally slap Iaian upside the head in a mom sort of way when the young lad first starting training. He doesn’t do that anymore now that Iaian’s gotten older and more disciplined, but Bushidrill, however, has been a fucknut since day one and Kami ain’t gonna miss the chance to kick that fucker down the stairs for some money.

Child Emperor: his only friend is none other than the absolute disaster, Zombieman. Child Emperor would be really hesitant to rock his shit at first, but Zman would convince him to do it because A: he’s immortal and couldn’t possibly die and B: 100k is a fuckton of money and one little punch is well worth it. So, Child Emperor does it, breaks Zombieman’s nose, and they both happily split the cash. No hard feelings.

Metal Knight: would nuke a small island nation for some boneless wings.

Zombieman: the closest thing to a best friend he has is his adoptive bastard, Child Emperor, and he’d lightly suplex tap the kid in the face, then split the cash evenly as an apology. Child Emperor would be hella salty at first, but then consider it a sound financial decision soon after. No hard feelings.

Drive Knight: see Metal Knight.

Pig God: it’s simple. More money = more nom noms.

Watchdog Man: tell me you don’t look into those pitch black, lifeless eyes and see death and suffering. He’d rock someone’s shit for free. Anyone. All this bitch does is sit on a rock all day, just waiting around for someone to try him. You can’t tell me he wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to knock some poor fucker’s face unconscious for some money when he does it for a bootyass paycheck 24/7. Motherfucker is ruthless.

Flashy Flash: like Tatsumaki, the closest thing to a group of best friends this lonely bitch has is his dumbass coworkers. Although he’d really rather not engage in a one-on-one deathmatch with anyone, he wouldn’t say no to it if there was a hefty sum of money on the line and/or if he was sure he could win (because ninja pride).

Tanktop Master: he’d refuse because he would never lay a hand on one of his homies, but the entirety of the Tanktop Gang all volunteer regardless. 100k is a fuckton of money and they’d all gladly risk a concussion for it. So, he would do it, but only to someone he’s sure could take the hit. Then, they’d all split the cash evenly and go out for drinks. No hard feelings.

Puri-Puri Prisoner: he’s all about non-consensual touching! All the better if he gets paid for it!

Amai Mask: see Flashy Flash. Although, he would be the one to engage a one-on-one deathmatch with someone for free, let alone a fuckton of cash. It’s canon that he was ready to risk it all and throw down with Metal Bat and Flash just because they dissed his shit, imagine if he actually had another motivation? No survivors.

Bushidrill: would push Kami down the stairs for free.

Fubuki: Like the Tanktop Gang, everyone in the Blizzard Group would gladly volunteer to get punched if it meant they all get to split 100k. This is a really easy decision to make because Fubuki isn’t super strong muscle-wise like Tanktop Master is, so there’s no real risk factor involved. She’d punch someone, they’d say “ouchie” and then they’d all go about their business a little bit richer. Probably gonna put that money towards buying a small herd of cars to match the one they already have in order to engage in T A C T I C A L C A R P O O L I N G, of course.

Little bitches that wouldn’t do it:

King: he wouldn’t do it, but only because all of his friends are ultra-powerful godlike people that could obliterate his atoms without even breaking a sweat. This dude is too timid to ask for extra ketchup packets, let alone ask anyone of his coworkers/friends if he could punch them for 100k (and even if he did summon the courage to ask, he’d give himself away with how weak his punches are). The only person he’d feel comfortable enough with asking would be Saitama, but his knuckles would probably turn to dust if he punched Saitama.

Metal Bat: Zenko would propose a joint agreement that includes her giving Badd permission to punch her lightly and then split the money evenly. Badd would refuse because he knows he would accidentally give her a concussion and that’s a big no-no. If he didnt have overwhelming strength, however..... he still wouldn’t do it because that’s his baby precious little angel sister and he’d rather be caught dead than hurt a hair on her little precious baby angel head.

Genos: would NEVER hurt Saitama. The fact that someone would even CONSIDER—

Iaian and Okamaitachi: would never lay a hand on Atomic Samurai because they both respect the shit out of him and know he’d rock their shit without even hesitating.

Saitama: If he wasn’t basically God incarnate, it would be an instant yes. However, a punch from him is a death sentence. It would be a really hard decision for him to make because 100k could turn his life around for sure, but he’s not willing to kill anyone for it.

Mumen Rider: baby

Superalloy Darkshine: see above

[aforrestofstuff]

I'd like to know if you have any cooking skills headcanons!! Like, from who's able to make a absolute meal to who burns microwaved instant noodles.

I’ve done a few individual headcanons about cooking before, but I think it’s time for a refresher. You could call this... the main course.

Okay, enough of that bullshit. Here’s the hcs. Thanks for your ask, anon! ❤️❤️💞

Disclaimer: this shit is crack as fuck because I have very strong feelings about cooking lmfao. FOH don’t interact.

Tornado of Terror: She’d find a way to burn ice cream, honestly. She tries so hard (by god she tries) but her meals always come out as a convoluted mess with ingredients that have no reason being together. She eats her steaks well done and boils hamburgers. It’s a nightmare. She doesn’t really spend too much time in the kitchen, however, because she knows she sucks at cooking and because of this, makes 90% of her diet consist of takeout. But if she did spend more of her day cooking, she’d probably discover the recipe to meth accidentally. It’s that bad.

Silverfang: Stubborn old grandpa way of cooking. He’s got a handful of recipes that have been passed down for generations and he’s gonna carry those fuckers to his grave. When Garou was living at the dojo, the little bastard would try to make some changes to these recipes and Bang had to will every molecule in his arthritis-riddled body to not RKO this kid (not really, Bang wouldn’t hurt a fly). But I digress. He’s a decent cook, knows all the fundamentals and all of that shit.

Atomic Samurai: Can’t cook or bake for shit although he, of course, talks himself up like he can. The extent of his cooking knowledge is only within the realm of “shit you can roast over a campfire when your cheap ass can’t scrape together enough coin to pay the electricity bill”. But now that he’s got that S-Class paycheck and three other disciples to freeload off of, they pretty much cater to his every food-related need. He’s useless in the kitchen. Utterly fucking useless.

Child Emperor: Doesn’t know how to cook (little bastard ain’t even tall enough to reach the stove imo) but luckily he’s got that PHAT BRAIN so he can easily just build a Gordon Ramsey bot 3000 to replace his incompetence in the kitchen. His diet consists of Dino nuggets and microwaveable noodles so it’s not like he’s doing the world a great disservice by not learning how to cook properly.

Metal Knight: Same as Child Emperor except he’s a rich bastard and programs his bots to make that fancy shit with only the finest ingredients. He’s got enough cash from doing black market tech trades and building up his robo-army that this motherfucker could snort caviar for fun. He’s a real pompous asshole about it.

King: His mom taught him to cook a few things, nothing serious. He’s one of those dudes that doesn’t really know how to make much, but the few dishes that he does know how to cook are fucking BOMB. He’s got a cast iron skillet for making pancakes and everything, bitch is already halfway to being a chef himself. Other than that, however, he’s a ramen monster. His blood is practically pre-packaged bone broth.

Zombieman: I’ve said this in a previous hc but he’s a damn good cook. One problem though: he only knows how to make single servings of everything because he eats alone almost all the time. He specializes in meats. Bitch is a carnivore. He bought himself a set of those 500-dollar butcher knives so he can carve up cuts like a monster. He hemorrhages cash into fancy wood chips so he can get that smoky flavor juuuuust right. He’s got an Outdoor Chef setup on his patio. My mans is living the DREAM.

Drive Knight: He can eat but does he really need to? His cooking expertise is popping a new battery in. There you go.

Pig God: Oh my god if this man’s kitchen isn’t Michelin-Star quality. He eats a lot and he cooks a lot, it’s only natural. He’s got an indoor grill and pot chandelier and buys industrial-sized buckets of pickles and roast beef by the cow and— okay he just has a lot of food, alright? And he’s got that PHAT S-Class paycheck so my boy probably has a whole walk-in fridge just to put all the fucking food he eats. Bonus points if he hires a dishboy to work and a contractor to implement a three-sink dish station with “Clean-Rinse-Sanitize” stickers slapped on the steel, lol. But yeah, he cooks for 500 people at a time because he eats enough for 500 people at a time. Gotta maintain that figure, you know what I’m saying?

Superalloy Darkshine: He has. Oh my god— he has a full shelf dedicated to just. DOZENS OF JARS of whey protein. He has two blenders: one for fruit smoothies and one for protein shakes. His kitchen? Spotless. He knows how to cook and he eats like a bodybuilder (because he is one, duh) so he’s got that fridge STOCKED at all times. He cleans like he’s getting paid for it because nothing feels better than wiping down a gas stove until that bitch is spotless. However, his taste is garbage. He can throw down in the kitchen but does it taste good? No. Sometimes the ultra-healthy alternative to something isn’t always the greatest. He’s grown accustomed to putting zucchini in his cakes and almost damn well likes the texture of it, but don’t invite this guy to the potluck because he WILL show up with a vegetable nightmare that’s sure to make even vegans gag. Sorry bud, but nobody likes soy bacon.

Watchdog Man: furry ass.

Flashy Flash: I’ve said this before in a previous hc, but he’s pescatarian. He grew up on a coastal town before being sold of to the ninja village like a goddamned carpet and now fish is the only meat he eats. His cooking ability is about as good as one would expect from a homesless ninja. Like Atomic Samurai, he can throw it down over the campfire and still find a way to make a decent dish (in both presentation and taste) despite having limited knowledge and resources to work with. Bitch can whip up a five-star meal with some branches, a fish, and half a carrot like it was second nature. That’s about it though. He’s useless in an actual kitchen.

Genos: It’s canon. He’s a housewife. He only knows how to make the select few dishes that play an integral part in Saitama’s diet, though (because Genos can eat but he doesn’t really need to, so he only does it when he and Saitama are sharing a meal). Those dishes include things like: actual garbage. He cooks shit food. It’s not his fault. Saitama just eats like a fucking twat. There’s rats that live in the dumpster outside the restaurant I work in that have a better diet than him. Genos just works with what the poor bastard’s got and has gained a pretty mediocre grasp on cooking because of it. If he wanted to, though, he could easily be the best chef in all the land. Too bad he’s more focused on being an ultra-powerful speed demon.

Metal Bat: Tries his absolute best to cook healthy meals for him and Zenko when he almost always resorts to just popping a frozen pizza in the oven and calling it a day. I’ve said this before in a previous hc, but he eats his shit BURNT. Bitch like his steak well done, his yolks grey, and his chicken vaporized. The only exception to this is sushi because there really is no other way to enjoy it other than having it raw. Trust me, though. If there was a way to burn the fuck out of sashimi while still having it be sashimi, he’d find a way to do it and like it. But yeah, as I said: he sucks ass at cooking. He’s tried the tutorials, he’s bought the skillets, he’s sharpened the knives, but he just can’t fucking do it.

Tanktop Master: Same as Superalloy. They bond over gross-ass ultra-healthy recipes that only they enjoy. The Tanktop Gang loves him but they always kindly refuse to eat over at his house because they know he’s gonna try to make them ingest a broccoli loaf or some shit. He’s not too strict about his diet, though. He’ll chill out and have a pizza every once and a while, but only when he’s hanging out with the homies.

Puri-Puri Prisoner: He has a job in prison where he helps out in the kitchen for seventy-five cents an hour, but that’s about the extent of it. He’s got the bare basics down and could put together a decent meal for date night if he really tried (and had a damn kitchen to work with). On top of that, he can throw down some tasty prison food recipes, hand-crafted from the brick box itself. Ramen pad Thai, anyone?

Amai Mask: he’s rich as fuck, why does he need to cook? Bitch hired a chef and now all he does it drink skim milk and eat food from the top shelf. He couldn’t fry an egg if his life depended on it. Poor bastard doesn’t even know what a whisk is. And don’t even get me started on how much of a slob he is. The ten-minute process of making a single plate of spaghetti will have his kitchen in such a disgusting state that it’ll take him and a trusty Mister Clean Magic Eraser five hours just to clean it up. That is, if he even has the basic human decency to pick up after himself. He’ll probably just hire someone to do for him and then tip them a crisp 100-dollar bill for their troubles, only to make an even worse mess tomorrow.

Iaian: I’ve said this before in a previous hc, but yes: he can cook. It’s nothing special. He’s got a suburban dad sense of cooking where he, like King, can only make a select few dishes but makes those dishes taste magical. He’s got 0 utensils and shit kitchen to work with (because Kami’s place is probably like, centuries old on account of him still being a Samurai), but boy can Iaian whip up a feast like no other despite all that. It’s all protein-packed flavor bombs that look simple in comparison to, say, Zombieman or Metal Knight’s food, but it still tastes good all the same. Kama eats off of his plate all the time and it used to annoy him but they’ve grown so close that they might as well share forks at this point.

Okamaitachi: Can’t really cook, but they are a baking god. I don’t know much about baking but I know they’ve got a cupboard dedicated to their plethora of sourdough starters. They buy yeast by the pound and make enough bread to feed entire armies some days. Whatever the gang doesn’t eat, they donate it to the local homeless shelter and make it a habit to go out of their way performing good deeds that don’t always involve sword fighting (something Kami insists he instilled into them via his teachings— which is bullshit. Kama is just naturally good-hearted and sweet).

Bushidrill: Can’t cook or bake for shit but like Atomic Samurai and Flash, can throw it down on the campfire. Don’t let this man near any turkeys or pigs because he will spitroast the fuck out of them.

Fubuki: Okay, not only is she a great cook but she’s as dogmatic as a coked-out head chef. She and the Blizzard Group sometimes cook together in her massive kitchen (she poured all of her measly paycheck into it because by god, if her apartment doesn’t have a kitchen fit for a chef then it’s not worth living in), and she’ll be barking orders like a damn crow. She’s got the two-grand knife set, cast-iron everything, bronze accents on the sink, and the ability to deglaze a pan without starting a fire. She’s a natural. If she cooks for you, then that’s how you know she likes you. All in all, her food tastes and looks great. She’s a bit low on funds on account of being only Class-B, so she sometimes takes little shortcuts when plating her dishes, like using celery leaves in place of parsley and all that jazz.

Saitama: I’ve already said that his diet is absolute shit and part of that is due to being poor, but I will show mercy and say that he’s a decent cook. He only makes what he knows he’s gonna like and doesn’t leave any room for experimentation unless his budget allows it (which isn’t often). His kitchen only has the bare essentials. Genos has offered to buy him more equipment and even renovate the damn thing for him but Saitama refuses each time because then he’d have a bigass kitchen just for making a poor man’s omurice, and that would be a waste. His talent, though? Making a perfect omelet. He can fold the egg like a sheet with no tears and no brown spots. It tastes heavenly.

Mumen Rider: Ultra-safe in the kitchen. He doesn’t even own a knife sharpener because he’s clumsy enough to know he’ll cut himself the moment he even tries to use it. His pot handles all have coverings and he’s watched all of the food safety and fire safety videos out there. He could give a goddamned seminar on it. Food-wise, he’s a decent home cook. Nothing special. He does, however, share Superalloy and Tanktop’s nasty habit of over healthy-ing everything to oblivion and making it a tasteless, vegetative mess. It doesn’t matter if you invite him to the potluck or not because he’ll bring a cauliflower pizza anyway and y’all better fucking enjoy it or he’ll start crying.

Sonic: The same as Flashy Flash, minus the pescatarianism. He’d butcher a pig without blinking an eye, and often uses his katana in cooking (even though it poses like, 87 different safety hazards and is most definitely health violation). He can forage quite well and has taken a liking to wild mushrooms and berries over the years. It’s gotten so natural to him that he now knows by heart the specific time of year in which the wild berries are ripest, and which species of salmon inhabit certain streams on any given day.

Garou: Would burn water. End of story. His cooking is so bad and dangerous that everyone thinks he’s an arsonist when he really just starts fires on accident. Don’t let this fucker near a stove, for the love of god.