#now i'm just gonna go listen to The Downward Spiral again and think on what could've been..............

[finalgirlsamwinchester]

thinking about pilot draft dean harrison again

[aprillikesthings]

Now that I've spent a good day thinking about how hot it is when Catra is a terrible person corrupted by setting off a portal, I'm ready to go back to (re)watching her try to be Good lolol

well okay more than one day.

I mean I literally spent the last four? five? days listening to songs off The Downward Spiral over and over while thinking about Catra and practicing my makeup for my Catra cosplay and ordering more of the things I need for it; like literally just staring off into space at work between phone calls thinking about Catra

I'm totally a well-adjusted middle-aged adult, thanks for asking!

Shit where did I even leave off

Oh right

SO HEY if you're new here, I've been rewatching all of the 2018 She-Ra, and I started doing it for fic-writing reasons but predictably I have become deeply obsessed. Anyway these posts sometimes have a lot of asides and commentary and references to other stuff and dumb jokes among a ton of screenshots, also (and it feels odd saying it this close to the end of the show) it's a RE-watch, so there's often spoilers for later bits of the story, also I keep trying NOT to just describe the entire plots of the episodes but I keep failing lol

s5 ep7 Perils of Peekablue

Adora's trying to become She-Ra (without an immanent threat) and then Bow and Glimmer distract her, and then the door opens on Catra and

I literally did a YES YES YESSSS AHAHAH out loud bc this is the point at which Catra just starts OPENLY FLIRTING, as opposed to just uhhhh flirtatiously taunting I suppose lol

like you're SITTING IN HER LAP

Also while rewinding it to watch again I paused it at the most hilarious moment

look at Catra's FACE

help I can't stop laughing but also look at Bow's expression

Glimmer: omg I'm gonna get to see my dad Catra: *gets up and leaves*

But also I make this face when a cat leaves my lap before I wanted them to:

Anyway they're a day out from arriving at Etheria

Adora's trying so hard

BACK ON ETHERIA

YAY IT'S THIS ONE

the intro finally changed!! I can't get a good screenshot but now when Catra (with short hair) and Adora (in She-Ra's new get-up) are fighting they stop much faster and they're both smiling omgggg

and there she is!! with everyone else!!

okay I'm going to take way less screenshots etc of the underwater speakeasy thing because let's be honest: that part of the plot isn't what I'm here for lol

But yeah they're going to the speakeasy thing to get Prince Peekablue who can see to the edges of the galaxy and can maybe tell them where Adora and the others are because they don't know what happened

Oh also Spinarella is chipped and Netossa is realizing something is off/weird about her but doesn't know what

Oh hey! You used to work for Huntara in the Crimson Wastes

Sea Hawk has pissed off approximately half the people in the room it seems (by lighting their ships on fire at some point)

Scorpia and Perfuma are the cutest and I can absolutely see how they end up together

In my fic I originally had Adora talking to some kind of therapist but I wasn't sure they existed on Etheria, and last week I edited that bit so Adora is talking to these two (which makes the conversation more fun AND easier to write anyway)

Perfuma: "Scorpia. You should do things not because you're good at them, but because they make you happy." THAT IS ONE OF MY LIFE PHILOSOPHIES thank you Perfuma you're 100% correct and I tell people this ALL THE TIME

Mermista: "I might've set their boat on fire. Just to see what it felt like."

Sea Hawk:

lolol

YESSSS I love this scene

Perfuma makes a flower, throws it to Scorpia as she sings, and she blushes and tucks it into her hair, these two are so sweet and cute

oh god I forgot that when "Prince Peekablue" get stung by Scorpia they go through the last half-dozen shapeshifts before turning into a (passed-out) Double Trouble.

lolol instead of "cash cow" it's an insult to poor Catra

Anyway they have the info the Rebellion wanted!

Horde Prime is pissed and has blockaded the planet, also half the people at the speakeasy were chipped....and now so is Mermista, though nobody realizes that yet

But also the phrasing of "She-ra stole his little kitten away" is just amazing

But also the last they heard, Adora and Bow and Entrapta had left to rescue Glimmer, do they think Double Trouble is talking about Glimmer here or what

(which. they did. they just also went back for Catra.)

Netossa realizes her wife (and most of the people around them) are chipped D:

And a chipped Mermista is gonna drown them all

oh shit Micah is also chipped

Entrapta gets the comms working!

"The Rebellion's been compromised! Horde Prime has them! We lost, I'm so sorry! We lost them!" --and then the comms go to static

AND CREDITS!

[danpuff-ao3]

I wish I was a writer who wrote more. I put more obstacles on myself than words on the page

Ooh! What obstacles are you facing, Anon?

Writing is hard. And we all have what works for us. Sometimes our inspiration and motivation wax and wane. The words might come easy some days, or not at all others. That's alright.

It's also valid and normal to want to be "more", whatever we see as "more." I wish I wrote more, but really I probably write plenty enough as it is. I wish I wrote better. There are so many beautiful writers I envy! Such gorgeous prose! And plot! I wish I could do a great plot, but I always veer more towards hype focusing on characters way more than plot. At times I wish I had it in me to write great epics, but that's not really me.

It's okay if you see what others do, or what others have, and want it. But it doesn't do much good to hyper fixate on that and go on a downward spiral of "why can't/why don't I?" What are your strengths? What are your interests? What works for you?

Is mental health getting in your way? You might need to address those first. Therapy and medication and doctor's visits might not be feasible, but if they are, do that. If not, do what you can do to take care of yourself. Take walks, journal, listen to music, eat well, stay hydrated, clean your space, talk to friends, whatever helps.

Is it stress? Is it life stress? Again: take care of yourself! If stress is in your way, you probably won't get far while it's still there.

Is it stress about the writing itself? Why are you stressed? Are there any stressors you can take away? Unless you're writing for money (and if you're in my inbox, I doubt that's the case), there's no real need to stress about it. Again: it's normal and valid to stress, but it's okay if you can't perform right now.

Is it a deadline? Are you writing for someone? Is it self-imposed pressure? What can you do to take away as much of what's stressing you as possible? Do that! If it means asking for extensions or taking breaks or changing tracks, do that! It's okay.

Is it lack of focus? Lack of time? Focus issues could be a health issue, so address those as stated above. But there are ways of creating more structure around your writing that might be beneficial. Make a schedule! What will work for you? Maybe an hour after work you dedicate to writing. Write all that you can in that time. And whatever you manage in that timeframe is a win! And if you dedicate a little time every day, that's progress! Even if it's only on weekends, that's better than nothing!

Are you on Discord servers? Maybe writing sprints will help. I know lots of fandom servers have sprinting bots and people who do writing sprints. Maybe the community aspect will help, or having a space and people with which to hold yourself accountable.

Maybe a word count goal will help? Personally that doesn't help me, but it works for some people. Say you make a goal to write 500 words a day, no matter what. However good or bad. At least it's writing. And you can always edit/fix it up later. Just throw it all at the wall and clean it up afterwards.

Maybe it helps to remember that all progress you make on your story "counts" as writing, be that work on an outline, jotting notes, research, daydreaming, brainstorming with friends, etc. It counts! Might not be "words" but it counts towards writing! It's progress. It's an accomplishment. You're allowed to feel good about that!

Anyway, the point is, I think all us creatives struggle in our own ways. Especially the more we care about what we do. I don't know very many people who do it purely for fun without a care in the world. And not gonna lie, I envy them sometimes! But you're not alone, which can help to remember.

I don't know if any of this blathering was helpful to you, but my inbox is always open if you need. And in the meantime, I'm sending you all the good writing vibes! May the muses be with you, Anon!

[onisionhurtspeople]

I'm a newcomer and I have to ask: what is the story behind Sarah, Billie, Haylee, Lane, ect? I've seen it I just don't understand

I’m going to give just a brief summary for each, and then try to include links for supplemental reading. (I say that, but let’s be real, I’m probably gonna end up typing a fucking short story.) At this point I’m dedicated to banging out this fucking novel, so prepare yourself for what may end up being the longest tl;dr I’ve ever written.

The Girls Who Peeled The Onion Skin 

Sorry if that was creepy, I just wanted it to sound like “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” or “The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest”. 

It all started with Billie. 

In 2015, Lainey came out as bisexual, and Greg convinced her to explore her sexuality by getting a girlfriend. The girlfriend that they chose was Billie, an 18-year-old influencer who had a large Instagram following. Greg flew Billie down for Lainey under the guise that she would have a chance to explore herself and her sexual orientation, but when Billie got there, his ulterior motives became clear, and Greg began moving in on this 18-year-old girl who was supposed to be his wife’s girlfriend. This did not go unnoticed by Lainey, who was pregnant with their second child at the time and was quick to express her discomfort with the situation - but Greg didn’t listen to her, and one day when Lainey was out with a friend, he gave Billie a massage in the nude, after which they cuddled while watching a movie. Lainey was hurt and felt cheated on and betrayed, and moved out to stay with a friend that day while they discussed getting a divorce. 

At the time, the plan was for Lainey and Greg to divorce, for Greg to sign away his parental rights over Troy (and the baby that Lainey was currently pregnant with), for him to set her up in her own place with child support payments, and for him to move Billie down from her own state to live with him as his new girlfriend. The only reason this did not end up going through was because Billie didn’t feel comfortable about the way everything had gone down, and didn’t think what Greg was planning to do was right. She didn’t want to be the reason why a family with young children and a pregnant wife split up, and decided to go back to her own state. The next day, Greg and Lainey talked and agreed to give their marriage another chance. 

The next year, for whatever reason, they suddenly decided that it would be a fantastic fucking idea to bring Billie back into their home; and having browbeaten Lainey into this choice, he then declared that he, Lainey, and Billie were now in a polyamorous triad. (One important thing to note here (for the sake of explaining another aspect of this story later on) is that during this time that Billie was living with them again, Greg and Lainey also had another house guest - a 15-year-old girl named Sarah who Lainey had met and befriended online, and over whom Lainey had legal guardianship of at the time. More on this later.) Lainey accepted this passively, though she was still uncomfortable with it; and she asked that Greg and Billie not do anything sexual together unless she was there to participate too. At one point, Lainey and Sarah even went so far as to sit Billie down privately and ask her not to sleep with Greg if he made advances on her. 

To no one’s surprise, just a few weeks later - again, while Lainey was out with a friend - Greg took Billie aside and manipulated her into sleeping with him. Billie protested that she thought Lainey would be hurt by this and didn’t think it was okay, but Greg reassured her that it was all okay, because he had already told Lainey that there would be no more jealousy in the relationship, that Greg would do what he wanted with Billie when he wanted to do it, and that she would have to either just get over it or find herself divorced. A quote from one of Greg’s YouTube videos at the time:

“Regardless, it is important to note that Billie did tell me that she thought Lainey might be upset if she and I slept together, but every time she indicated she was worried, I would remind her of the conversation I had with Lainey where I repeatedly told her there would be no more boundaries, we would all have balanced relationships, and that there would be no jealousy.”

Lainey was hurt and enraged, but she had no power or control over the situation: if she tried to stop Greg from doing what he wanted, then he’d simply divorce her - he’d already begun sewing the seeds of discord among his viewers that Lainey was a Negative Nancy who was insecure and dramatic, and always causing unnecessary strife in the relationship. Who wouldn’t understand his struggle, the long-suffering man of an insecure wife who he just couldn’t make happy, no matter how hard he tried? Who could have blamed him, really?

But then, Greg and Lainey fucked up big time. 

After yet another break-up with Billie, during which Greg blamed the entire thing on her (by arguing that he and Lainey had broken up with her because she had smoked weed without their permission, though they later retconned this to say that it was because she smoked weed at all) and released a ton of private information about her personal life that he had no business repeating, Billie decided that she had had enough. She was sick of being blamed and harassed by Greg’s hundreds of thousands of rabid followers - and so she released a series of text messages between them that revealed an alarmingly abusive side to him that, up until then, he had been extremely good at hiding. 

The current downward spiral that you’re witnessing Greg spinning around aimlessly in was all triggered by Billie’s choice to release these text messages. For the people who have just jumped on the anti-O train within the past two years: the thing you have to understand is that before this happened back in late 2016 - although most of YouTube knew by this point that the entity named Onision was a complete asshole - very few people who were not familiar with his personal life (or who couldn’t see through him, or discern the subtly abusive patterns in his relationships and personal conduct) knew how abusive he was in private. Most people were still under the impression that he was just a very douchey online personality, and the people who did know about what a piece of shit he was were too scared to come forward about it, because this all happened during a time when he still had a considerably large and dedicated fan base. His videos were still getting 100,000+ views per video, his tweets had hundreds of likes per post, and he was making nearly $5000 per month on Patreon - and Billie’s choice to come forward with these text messages as proof completely change all of that. They got a ton of harassment for it at first (to the point where Ayallah - Billie’s best friend, and the ex-girlfriend of Social Repose - caught so much flack for her involvement that she ended up having a complete mental break-down where she had to beg Greg to leave her and Billie alone). I’m sure a lot of people disagree with me, but personally, I consider Billie to essentially be the Petyr Baelish of the anti-O community - she was the first fallen domino that triggered the chain reaction that has ultimately resulted in the final fall of Onision. 

Now, moving on to Haylee (who you may see occasionally be referred to as “Luxymoo”). 

After Greg and Lainey broke up with Billie, Greg was still pushing hard for Lainey to try having a girlfriend to ~explore her bisexuality~ (although by this point, it was more than clear what his ulterior motives for doing this were). I’ll let Haylee tell this story in her own words, since she did us all a favor by writing out this account for us, and I wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to let somebody tell their own story. 

I tweeted a picture of myself to Lainey wearing their merch. They retweeted it and then followed me immediately after. I was in shock, excited, I think i even screamed. Then, out of no where, Lainey messaged me. I was so stoked. I thought, “This can’t be real.” We talked for awhile on twitter, they asked if I was interested in girls and I told them I felt like I was heteroflexible. That I liked certain girls, that I had a type. Lainey said they didn’t know if they were my type or not. I said that they were. Soon after that, Lainey said it would be easier for us to text. I gave them my number, and they started texting me the next day. We were flirty with each other. We got to know each other on a more personal level and I ended up liking them.. a lot. Greg messaged me telling me that if I was not serious about Lainey, to not lead them on. I told Greg that I wasn’t that kind of person, and that I really liked Lainey. At the time, I still thought this is what I wanted. Lainey and I continued to talk for a few more days when greg messaged me again, pitching the three way relationship. I told myself that I would not be Billie. I would not be with Greg AND Lainey. That if this were to continue, I would only be interested in Lainey. However, when Greg pitched the idea to me, I had already started liking Lainey a lot more than I expected. I told him I wanted to try. After that I started doing research on what it meant to be in a three way relationship. I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t for me. Which killed me, because all I wanted to do was be with Lainey. I wanted to try for them, but at the end of the day, I had to consider my personal feelings on the matter. I knew I couldn’t be what they wanted, because I wanted Lainey. I told Lainey as soon as I came to that conclusion. I wanted to be honest. I didn’t want to drag it out. Lainey didn’t respond to me.. but Greg did. He said that if he were in  my position, he would do whatever it takes to be with Lainey. He said that I didn’t really care about Lainey, that all i was looking for was friendship. He said that he thought my mind was broken. He said he thought I may be sexually dormant. He then would say that he thinks i’m a good person and that i’m the safer alternative. He called me a good distraction. He wanted me to still come up. But that was a fleeting thought. He said friendship would be hard, and that I was doing everything I could to avoid a relationship with Lainey. Then he pitched the idea of me being with Lainey exclusively, while he’s with Lainey exclusively. Like we wouldn’t be doing sexual things together. I still declined because 1. he had spent so much time invalidating MY feelings on the matter, attacking my personality, pressuring me, etc. and 2. I also knew that that wasn’t what they wanted, and I told him that we would still hit that road block of me wanting exclusiveness. He had said in a previous conversation that it was like him and Lainey were on an island and I had a boat, but I wouldn’t throw them a life line because I wasn’t the right boat. Said that they didn’t know what they were going to do about Billie, because Lainey was talking about bringing her back I guess at that time? He told me to stop responding, because I was just making it worse.All while I’m feeling like a shitty person, like I really did hurt them. I felt so terrible about myself over the whole situation. Not shortly after, Greg posts a video with Billie. I was immediately enraged. I felt so used. Lainey then texted me, but only to say hey. We didn’t talk about the situation. They would stop texting me randomly and then text me again randomly. Now I’m blocked, and all of this has come to light. I didn’t know people knew it was me. I didn’t know there was a tumblr with people talking about me. I thought only a select few people knew. But I was wrong, and now it’s all out in the open. 

You’ve probably seen me mentioning Haylee’s name again today, and that is because this morning - along with Ayallah (Billie’s best friend) and Lane (whose story I will explain to you next) - Haylee came forward to expose more of the disgusting things that Greg said and did to her during their association. This was the screenshot that she released today:

Now, to explain this last part about Lane and Sarah. This is a bit complicated and interwoven, so I’m going to explain about both of them at the same time. I already wrote a super long post explaining Sarah’s origin story the other day, so I’m just going to copypaste the relevant parts of that, explain how Lane is part of it, and then tie all of this together with the relevance of how this info about Sarah involves Lane, Billie, Ayallah, and Haylee. 

Lainey met Sarah online about four years ago, when Lainey was 20 and Sarah was 14. People started speaking up out of concern right away after perusing some of the public conversations between the two on Twitter and realizing how much of it was sexual in nature, such as Lainey joking about how Sarah’s grooming was coming along nicely. The two of them seemed to be flirting (or, at the very least, having conversations that were not normal for a 20-year-old woman to be having with a 14-year-old girl), and given Greg’s past history with having a clear sexual preference for teenage girls, people were rightfully concerned about what could be going on between them. 

The drama surrounding this relationship exploded when Sarah, now 15, began popping up in videos with Greg, Lainey, Billie, and Ayallah. The Avaroes began catching a lot of flack for this online - I remember the time very well; in between the period of Greg’s tumultuous and highly dramatic public relationship with Shiloh in 2011, and the period in late 2015 when an online journalist wrote an article about Greg rating the bodies of underage girls (which predated all of their drama with Billie), I don’t think I can recall any other incident in that time that they caught more criticism for. Lainey specified repeatedly in YouNow livestreams that she had parental guardianship over Sarah at the time - not Greg, not Sarah’s mother or father, but Lainey herself. Click here if you want to watch that stream.

Sometime in 2016, a couple of really creepy things happened in very quick succession that eventually led to the very dramatic events that transpired earlier today. At this point, Greg and Lainey had a whole host of people living in their home: aside from themselves and their young son (Lainey was heavily pregnant with their daughter at the time), they were also playing host to Billie (their polyamorous girlfriend), Ayallah (Billie’s best friend), and Sarah (Lainey’s 15-year-old best friend, whom she also had legal guardianship over at the time). Just for the curious, here’s a picture of the four of them together, minus Lainey (who would’ve been cooking/cleaning/taking care of their kid at the time). From left to right is Sarah, Billie, Greg, and Ayallah. 

The first big thing that happened was that, towards the end of this year - after being mistreated by Greg and Lainey for so long - Billie (with the support of her friend Ayallah) decided to come forward about Greg, and released their text messages to the public. As I explained earlier, this had a cascading effect where he suddenly lost enormous swaths of fans, and his popularity has never recovered to this day. 

The second big thing that happened was that one of Lainey’s most dedicated superfans, a 16-year-old girl named Lane, saw what Greg had done and was currently doing to Billie, and decided to come out in her support. Greg, Lainey, and Sarah were extremely angry about this, and felt that she’d “betrayed” them; and so Greg fucked up once again by making a series of tweets talking about how Lane was “stalking” and “harassing” Lainey and Sarah, in a transparent attempt to sicc his fans on her. Lane, hurt that Greg was going to such lengths to sabotage her (and after being wrongly told that Lainey and Sarah were on a YouNow livestream talking shit about her), Lane decided to come forward with some of the information she knew about what had transpired in the Avaroe household, and dropped the bombshell that everyone had suspected but didn’t have any way to prove: that Sarah had told Lane that she was in love with Lainey, that Greg had told her repeatedly that he thought she and Lainey should date, and that Sarah had expressed repeated interest in becoming a member of the triad (as in, she wanted to be included during the times when Greg, Lainey, and Billie were having sexual trysts together). Sarah did admit that she remembered Greg telling her that he thought she should date Lainey, but Greg threw her under the bus and denied it all, claiming that he had told Sarah repeatedly that there would never be any romantic or sexual interest between herself and Sarah. 

A couple of months ago, right before Sarah turned 18, she had been sitting in their living on a yoga ball when Greg walked past her and made a sexual comment that creeped her out: “Dat booty doe.” I’m not sure why it creeped her out so much considering how much interest she expressed in becoming a member of the triad, but she was disturbed enough to go to Lainey about it, and told her how uncomfortable it made her feel. 

Instead of defending her 17-year-old best friend from her sexual predator of a husband Lainey instead tattled on her, and told Greg what Sarah had said: and just a few days later she was given a plane ticket and sent back home, never to return to the Avaroes’ house again.. until last week. 

Now 18 years old and fully legal, there was a lot of speculation about the nature of Sarah and Lainey’s relationship, especially now that Greg is seemingly incapable of finding a new trinity member now that he’s been outed so thoroughly as an abusive predator with hebephilic tendencies. None of it was confirmed until earlier today when Ayallah and Lane confirmed without a doubt everything that the anti-O community has suspected all along about the nature Greg and Lainey’s relationship with Sarah: which is that, to one extent or another, they have been grooming this 14-year-old to one day be primed to enter a sexual relationship with two grown adults who at one point acted as her legal guardians, and who hold an enormous amount of psychological and financial power over her. While they were rescuing her from an abusive home life where she was being sexually abused and neglected by drug-abusing parents, feeding and housing her and clothing her and pretending to care, they were also taking advantage of her feelings of gratitude and friendship and inability to correctly interpret those as a confused teenage abuse victim with a mental illness (borderline personality disorder), leaving her in a position to be highly susceptible to emotional manipulation on their part, and primed to one day be ripe to benefit themselves and their own perverted sexual needs.

Here’s what Ayallah said about it: 

I hope all of this answers some of your questions about who Sarah, Billie, Ayallah, Lane, and Haylee are. There are a lot of other peripheral characters in Greg and Lainey’s life too (like Madison and Maya), but these are the main ones right now. Feel free to message me if you feel like you need more clarification, I’d be happy to explain. 

[1d-sexualdesires]

I'm feeling so bad about myself and I was wondering if you could write a blurb about feeling not wanted and H going on about what he would do if you weren't with him and you keep saying things like "you could be so much happier is I wasn't always sad around you" And H starts crying and stuff and I'm just sad right now and when I say H I do mean harry just making it clear but on a happy note I hope you have a wonderful day and I love you very much😘

I’m sorry that you’re feeling down, friend! I hope that whatever’s going on gets resolved soon, but in any case, feel free to reach out if you just need someone to talk to, i know how hard it can be to try and hold it together sometimes. I love you too, chin up! Here it is! -V xx

Miserable is the only way to describe how Y/N felt. It really wasn’t her fault that for the past few months things had just been going downhill, it was like she couldn’t get anything right. Harry had been really busy working on his new album, so he wasn’t around as often and Y/N couldn’t help but feel like it was her fault that he was gone so much. Some twisted part inside of her made her think that he was making himself busy in order to not deal with her. In all honesty, she was depressed. She visited her therapist every week for an hour and Dr. Martinez assured Y/N that Harry’s busy schedule had nothing to do with her, but her mind was telling her otherwise and she began to believe it. She’s not sure why Harry insisted she come along to this dinner party, she clearly didn’t fit in with these people and she wasn’t having a good time and it was noticeable. It seemed that Harry had, had enough of her attitude when he leaned over and whispered:

“What’s the matter? You look miserable, looks like you hate everyone.” He scolded quietly. She did her best to keep a straight face and responded just as quietly.

“I just want to go home, Harry. Just want to sleep, m’really tired.” She said and he sighed. Someone was in the midst of sharing some story about their vacation to Iceland when Harry interrupted.

“Sorry to interrupt you, but we’re gonna head out, Y/N isn’t feeling well.” He probably had good intentions, but she felt guilty for it and ashamed that she was taking time away from him and his friends. Either way they said goodbye and were on their way, the car ride was silent, she was staring out the window, mentally beating herself up for ruining the evening.

“I’m sorry for ruining your evening, m’just exhausted.” She said softly and Harry sighed loudly. He had a lot to say, but he didn’t want to be mean but he just didn’t get it.

“What has you tired?” He asked and she bit her lip, her eyes starting to well up. She really had no reason to feel so drained all the time. Part of the downward spiral was that she got downsized and hasn’t been able to find a job in two months. While she wouldn’t be opposed to flipping burgers or being a waitress, she didn’t go to college for nothing and really, those jobs are her last resort. Even then, there aren’t many openings available, she’s checked. “Well?” He asked and the first tear fell.

“I don’t know I just feel exhausted, I can’t explain it. Just want to be in bed.” She sniffled and he glanced over, feeling concerned for her. Yeah, he was irritated and confused at her behavior for the last month, but obviously something is wrong and he needs to find out what it is. “Like I don’t even know why you invited me… I knew I would ruin it somehow. I tried though, I really did, H. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone.” She cried softly.

“Baby, no! What are you on about? I invited you because you’re my girlfriend and I wanted you there. I’ve been a little busy, just wanted to spend the evening with you.” He stated firmly and she didn’t say anything else, so he just left her alone, he didn’t want to push her right now.

When they finally got home he just watched as she trudged off to their bedroom and  heard her start the shower. He didn’t like seeing her so upset, so he started up some tea to have ready for her when she was done with her shower and he waited, sitting at the edge of the bed, her favorite movie ready to go so that they could have a cuddle.

“Hey babe, we can still have a night in? S’only nine.” He said smiling, as she emerged, hair wet and body drowning in a hoodie, “I made some tea and I have your favorite movie up so we can snuggle.” He offered and she smiled softly.

“M’not really in the mood for a film, just need to sleep, Har. That’s real sweet of you though.” She said peeling back the sheets and slipping into bed. That was the last straw, he didn’t like to get angry but he was going insane.

“What is wrong with you? You don’t want to be at dinner, so I bring you home to spend time together, you don’t want to do that either. You’ve been sleeping nearly half the day for two whole weeks! I can’t deal with you like this! It’s so upsetting and irritating, I just I can’t deal with this anymore, Y/N.” He said seriously, her body was shaking with sobs as she slowly sat up from beneath the bed covers. He didn’t deserve this.

“Then don’t. You don’t deserve this, Harry. There’s just a lot going on and all I seem to do is bother you and make you sad all the time because I can’t get my shit together. Maybe you could be happy if you didn’t have someone like me in your life.” She was hiccuping, tears flowing freely. Harry’s heart had sunk to his tummy, making a heavy knot in his throat bob up and down.

“What are you trying to say?” He asked carefully and she shrugged.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be together. All I do is drag you down! You can’t even have a dinner with your fucking friends without me ruining everything! I don’t deserve you.” She faded to a whisper, “M’just a huge fuck up.” She mumbled as she sprang out of bed and into the closet, bringing out a duffle bag and he shot straight up.

“What are you doing?” He asked and she shook her head.

“I’ll go, I won’t be a burden anymore.” She cried as she threw open her drawers and he watched in confusion as she just stuffed things into the bag on the bed.

“Baby, please stop.” He pleaded, tears running down his face at the prospect of losing her, “Did I do something?” He asked desperately and she just walked back to the drawers and he stood in the way, “Babe, Y/N, please just talk to me. Please, I love you. I love you so much, whatever I did-”

“S’not you. You’re perfect. It’s me. I’m a fucking mess. First my fucking car breaks down and then I lose my job so I can’t fucking get it fixed and all this shit involving that is just a lot! I’ve been looking for work for two months and there’s nothing, Harry. Literally, nothing! All this frustration I have is getting to you and you’re just not around anymore or always busy. I know you’re trying to avoid me, I would too. Like I just- I feel like I’m making your life miserable and I refuse to do that to you. I’m ruining everything, s’my fault.” She hiccuped through her sobs and he just wrapped his arms around her tightly, her tears soaking through his shirt and his soaking her already wet hair.

“Baby, I love you so much.” He repeated over and over, refusing to let go until her sobs eased up, she was gasping for air from how hard she was crying and the pain he felt seeing her this way was killing him. How could he not notice it before? When she resorted to just sniffles and coughs he guided her to the bed, just shoving off the dreadful duffle bag he never wanted to see again and planted himself beside her. “You don’t make me miserable, Y/N. I love you. Yes, you’ve hit a rough patch but you’re not burdening me at all.”

“Are you sure?” She whimpered and he nodded.

“Yes, baby! I’m sure. I’ve been busy at the studio, we ran into a few issues and snags s’why I’ve been longer than usual, but I promise you it’s not because I’m avoiding you. We all have rough patches, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I eft you because of that? Hmm?” He asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I just… I feel like everything’s my fault. I know it isn’t, but my mind says otherwise. Like I feel so stupid for thinking that way, but I can’t help it and I feel horrible about it. Like I feel totally and completely useless!” She cried once more and he pulled her onto his lap. He just listened; he let her vent about her car, about how they let her go, how they promised to get her contacts for another job and never did, also how they weren’t offering severance pay because of some weird loophole in her contract. He had no idea all of this was going on and all he could do was wipe at her tears with his thumbs and nod along, he wished he could make her feel better. Once again, she had winded down and just leaned forward and kissed her softly.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I had no idea all of this was going on. Baby, you need to tell me these things so I can be there for you, you shouldn’t deal with this all alone, okay?” She nodded, “And then you threaten to leave me just like that? I couldn’t live without you! You’re the reason I try so hard and you’re the reason my sun shines and world turns! I’d go insane without you. What would I ever do without you?” He whispered, her face held gently in his large hands and she sniffled through a laugh.

“I feel so stupid.” She mumbled and he frowned.

“Stop it, don’t put yourself down. You’re so smart, Y/N. And you’re beautiful and nice and strong, you’ll get through this.” He assured her and she bit her lip, holding back a smile and he grinned, “C’mon baby, show me that cute little smile. Please.” He pleaded and she gave in. Her lips curved up high and eyes crinkled at the corners at the sight of him smiling wide, “That’s more like it. Now, onto more serious things.” He said and she nodded, “Take your time, find something that works for you, that makes you happy. I know you don’t like it much, but I love the idea of taking care of you in every aspect. You’re my girlfriend and roomie, s’not mooching or freeloading, okay?” He stated and she huffed, but nodded. “I’m serious, baby. I know you work hard to contribute, what’s two months compared to all the lovely things you’ve done for me for two years?” He asked and she smiled again.

“You’re literally the best human in the world and I love you so, so much.” She said softly kissing him gently and he kissed back, but with a little more oomph to get his point across.

“I love you.” He mumbled against her lips.

“S’it too late for tea and a movie with you?” She asked in a small voice and he shook his head, smiling softly.

“S’never too late to spend time with you, my love.”

[bokunoheroimagines]

Can I request Deku, Iida, and Todoroki's reactions when a business course student comes up to them during the break at the sports festival and says she has a crush on them? (I'm so sorry if that's worded in a weird way orz)

((hey everyone it’s me ive been in the worlds worst downward slump so how else to deal with it than writing cute stuff and putting it on the internet))

((also under the cut bc it’s long))

Midoriya was exhausted. As it turns out, breaking your bones multiple times in a fight only feels alright when you’re on an adrenaline high, and actually hurts way too much immediately afterward. So when an unfamiliar person holding a clipboard scurried into the infirmary and sidled up to his bed, he felt a little out of it and very confused.

“Um, Midoriya Izuku?”

He blinked, slowly. Did he actually know you? “Er, yes?”

You seemed relieved. He looked pretty dead, so his response must have been good to hear. “I’m [Name], from class 1-G.” The business course, Midoriya thought to himself. That’s why he didn’t recognize you. You forged onwards, the confidence of an entrepreneur painting your words. “While I have been familiar with you for some time, this festival is the first time I’ve seen you go up against another person. You were an impressive force, despite your loss.”

Midoriya realized what this must have been about. He’d overheard some upperclassmen talking about how business course students tried to become agents for hero students, and they usually started after the festival. Midoriya suddenly felt very nervous.

“Ah, I’m flattered, but I’m not really sure I’d like an agent…”

You blinked, eyebrows furrowing. Now that he was truly awake, Midoriya noticed you were quite cute. His nervousness spiked immediately. “Agent? No, no, I’m not here for a business deal! Sorry if I came off that way, but I’m here for something quite different.” Your face seemed to tint red, and your hands drifted to play with the hem of your shirt.

His eyes drifted to follow your motions, failing to notice how hard you were blushing. “What… what are you here for, then?”

“I like you!” You blurted, having lost any semblance of the composure you had when you’d first entered the infirmary. “I think you’re really cool! Even though you lost your last fight it was really impressive and you’re really cute and I like you!!”

If Midoriya’s face was warm before, now it was comparable to Todoroki’s newfound flames (which, at this point, Midoriya was starting to feel the aftermath of). A strangled noise came out of him while he did everything in his power to avoid eye contact with you, but you maintained your gaze with all the power of any top hero. You were frazzled and still messing with your shirt, but your voice did not waver when you spoke next.

“So that’s my pitch. What do you think, Midoriya?”

Iida knew that the Sports Festival was going to be a day of intense competition, strong wills, and strenuous physical activity. What Iida didn’t know about that day was that he was going to go from top of the world to rock bottom in a matter of hours.

It was after the obstacle race that you approached him, powerwalking in a way that almost reminded him of himself. You caught him mid-orange-juice, but he glanced toward you while taking a swig to indicate that he’d listen to whatever you had to say. When you opened your mouth to speak, though, he was totally unprepared for your words.

“My name’s [Name] from the business course, class 1-G, and I think you’re really hot!”

Iida thought spit takes only happened in the movies, but the orange juice painting the air in front of him proved otherwise. Really he was just thankful you’d been standing to his side. “I-I beg your pardon?!”

Despite his horrible display of rudeness, you kept speaking to him with zeal. “Honestly, I’ve thought you were interesting since the Emergency Exit incident, but the race really cemented it for me. You’re really cool! I want to get to know you better, even if you don’t feel as strongly for me! Does that sound like something you’d be interested in?”

His hands felt clammy. Iida didn’t have much experience with confessions, but here you were, staring at him eagerly. You were direct, interested in him, and, Iida admitted to himself, very attractive. Finally, Iida mustered up the words that he wanted to say next.

“I-If that’s the case, then would you like to attend a movie with me this weekend? The theater by the station is showing an American Hero film, if you’d like to see it.”

Your eyes lit up, but before you could respond, Midnight’s voice came over the loudspeaker, summoning all qualifying students to the field for the next task. Iida looked back at you hesitantly, but you waved him off.

“I’ll come find you afterwards and give you my phone number. You have a festival to win!”

Iida turned pink at the thought of you giving him your phone number. “Y-Yeah!!”

It was after the Battle Royale that Iida got a call from his mother, filling his heart with fear and grief. He left the Sports Festival early, and sprinted to the hospital where his brother lay, injured and barely conscious.

Iida did not get your phone number that day.

Iida had hit rock bottom.

It was immediately after getting a new shirt that Todoroki noticed you, idling in the hall and mumbling to yourself. He paid it no mind, instead focusing on his hands as he walked past you, checking for signs of burns or frostbite. But your voice, loud and clear like a bell, stopped him in his tracks.

“Wait!”

Todoroki turned to face you, only now actually getting a glimpse of you. You had on a sticker, indicating your name and class, and were actually pretty cute. Well, Todoroki wasn’t gonna let that mess with his day. He had a point to prove.

But first, he supposed he had to answer you. “Yes?”

You seemed almost surprised that he’d responded, but picked yourself back up quickly. As expected, Todoroki thought, of a business student. “You were really cool against Midoriya. Well, that other guy too, but…” You seemed lost, but Todoroki knew it would be rude to interrupt. “A-Anyway, I just think you’re cool, and now just seemed like an opportune time to let you know my feelings.”

He quirked an eyebrow. “…Feelings?”

“Yes. I like you, Todoroki Shouto.”

Oh, so that’s what this was about. Todoroki had seen this happen in middle school sometimes, with love letters in someone’s shoe locker, or two students hiding behind the gym, red-faced. But things like this did not happen to Todoroki Shouto. Always so busy with training, detached from his classes, irreversibly scarred… Todoroki hadn’t received a confession since preschool, when a little girl decided she was going to marry him. That didn’t work out, of course, as preschool marriages often don’t, but the fact that this was the first real confession he’d gotten was… a bit more jarring than he’d originally thought.

You snapped him out of his spiral with that bell voice again. “I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but I felt like I had to make that known.”

“I don’t know you.”

Okay, that was harsh, he realized, looking at your face. He should probably reel it in, he’s not trying to start a fight here.

“We don’t actually know each other, really. I know your name and your class. You know… I fought well in the festival. I can’t return your feelings if I don’t know who you are.”

And that was that. You muttered something about understanding, and turned around, walking away dejectedly. Todoroki had no time for dating.

But you had looked at him so sweetly, and he found himself a little curious about you, and…

“If you’d like to eat lunch together sometime, that would be fine.” You stopped, and he took that as a sign to say something else. “We could try… being… friends. First, if you want.”

He was so awkward, that probably killed that option then and there, he thought. But when you turned your head just enough for him to see you smile, he felt a little better about it. “I’d like that. I’ll see you then.”

Todoroki Shouto had never really liked anyone, but if there’s one thing this day had taught him, it’s that there’s a first time for everything.

[thingsfalllingapart]

Welcome back! As promised I'm gonna resume the story of Mr. Self Destruct. For The Fragile I'm gonna break it down into 2 parts since it's a long haul of an album. This story is one of recovery and hope. Part 2 will be a story about acceptance and hopelessness. Let's recap a bit, last we heard from our character he had just tried to blow his brains out with a gun but failed and now he is Somewhat Damaged.

Chapter 1 A: Somewhat Damaged

So impressed with all you do

Tried so hard to be like you

Flew too high and burnt the wing

Lost my faith in everything

"Our main character is referring to the the events of the past album, he admired this machine within but realized how it was something horrible and ended up losing his faith and mind. This starts the storyline of him recovering and becoming human again."

Lick around divine debris

Taste the wealth of hate in me

Shedding skin, succumb defeat

This machine is obsolete

"Once again he revisits songs like Hurt where he admits his defeat and gives in to his emotion and admits his failure. This machine is obsolete."

Made the choice to go away

Drink the fountain of decay

Tear a hole exquisite red

Fuck the rest and stab it dead

"He is referring to his transformation through the midway climax of the album. The Becoming, I Do Not Want This, Big Man with a Gun, A Warm Place."

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore

Too fucked up to care anymore

Poisoned to my rotten core

Too fucked up to care anymore

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore

Too fucked up to care anymore

Poisoned to my rotten core

Too fucked up to care anymore

"He is bringing in those feelings from Reptile, The Downward Spiral, and Hurt where he doesn't care anymore because he is broken/ruined in his mind."

In the back off the side far away

Is a place where I hide, where I stay

Tried to say, tried to ask I needed to

All alone by myself, where were you?

How could I ever think it's funny how?

Everything that swore it wouldn't change, is different now

Just like you would always say, "We'll make it through"

Then my head fell apart and where were you?

How could I ever think it's funny how?

Everything you swore would never change, is different now

Like you said, "You and me make it through"

Didn't quite fell apart, where the fuck were you?

"In these last lines he refers to his ex lover saying she would help him and they'd make it through together but now where was she? In the end this song basically serves as a final angry scream before his fragile phase comes."

Chapter 2A: The Day The World Went Away

"This track starts his fragility, it's quiet and gets louder in a way thats not chaotic Luke the past."

I'd listen to the words he'd say

But in his voice I heard decay

The plastic face forced to portray

All the insides left cold and gray

There is a place that still remains

It eats the fear it eats the pain

The sweetest price he'll have to pay

The day the whole world went away

"He reflects on his past sorrowfully as to him that's the day the whole world went away. He doesn't wish to be that thing anymore but a normal human and his goal is to become human once more."

Na na nah

Na na na, nah

Na na nah

Na na na , nah

Chapter 3A: The Frail

"The frail is a quiet piano that ends with a synth. His fragile mind and body are all that remain and the synth represents that fire for him to move on forwards."

Chapter 4A: The Wretched

Just a reflection

Just a glimpse

Just a little reminder

Of all the what abouts

And all the might have

Could have beens

Another day

Some other way

But not another reason to continue

And now you're one of us

The wretched

"The MC ponders and what could have been but now he indetifies as The Wretched for the things he's done and felt."

The hopes and prays

The better days

The far aways

Forget it

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?

"The remnants of the machine mock him for failing his original goal of death"

Now you know

This is what it feels like

Now you know

This is what it feels like

The clouds will part and the sky cracks open

And god himself will reach his fucking arm through

Just to push you down

Just to hold you down

Stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss

And it's hard to believe it could come down to this

Back at the beginning

Sinking

Spinning

And in the end

We still pretend

The time we spend

Not knowing when

You're finally free

And you could be

But it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to

It didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

"He further reflects on how he felt stuck (almost like he was in a hole) but now he's starting to accept that it didn't turn out how he wanted."

Now you know

This is what it feels like

Now you know

This is what it feels like

You can try to stop it but it keeps on coming

You can try to stop it but

"He tries to stop the pain and guilt from coming but he can't due to the track stopping mid way which is reminiscent of Ruiner where he claimed nothing could stop him now until something actually did."

Chapter 5A: We're in this Together Now

"In this track he meets someone new and has that rush of invincibility again but in a positive way"

I've become impossible holding on to when

When everything seemed to matter more

The two of us

All used and beaten up

Watching fate as it flows down the path we

Have chose

"It seems fate has also not been kind to this person he met and they have some personal demons of their own just like him."

You and me

We're in this together now

None of them can stop us now

We will make it through somehow

You and me

If the world should break in two

Until the very end of me

Until the very end of you

"He promises this person that he will stick with this person no matter how tough it gets."

Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin

They pick and they pull

Trying to get their fingers in

Well they've got to kill what we've found

Well they've got to hate what we fear

Well they've got to make it go away

Well they've got to make it disappear

The farther I fall I'm beside you

As lost as I get I will find you

The deeper the wound I'm inside you

For ever and ever I'm a part of

"He starts to grow very fond of this person he can relate to even if it gets to an unhealthy level."

You and me

We're in this together now

None of them can stop us now

We will make it through somehow

You and me

If the world should break in two

Until the very end of me

Until the very end of you

All that we were is gone we have to hold on

All that we were is gone we have to hold on

When all our hope is gone we have to hold on

All that we were is gone but we can hold on

You and me

We're in this together now

None of them can stop us now

We will make it through somehow

You and me

Even after everything

You're the queen and I'm the king

Nothing else means anything

"He reveals its a new female by saying "your the queen and I'm the king. Nothing else means anything. He only cares about her and by doing so he is starting to become human again by caring for someone unlike the entirety of the previous album."

Chapter 5A: The Fragile

She shines

In a world full of ugliness

She matters

When everything is meaningless

Fragile

She doesn't see her beauty

She tries to get away

Sometimes

It's just that nothing seems worth saving

I can't watch her slip away

"He sees her demons are getting the beat of her and he doesn't want her to fall apart as she's all he's got."

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by

Hoping someone can see

If I could fix myself I'd...

But it's too late for me

"He knows she feels alone and that she could fix him but it's too late for him so he's more focused on helping her."

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide

I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side

But they keep waiting

And picking and picking and picking and picking

And picking and picking and picking and picking

And picking and picking

"He wants to run away with her and protect her from all the pain from the outside world."

It's something I have to do

I won't let you fall apart

I was there, too

I won't let you fall apart

Before everything else

I won't let you fall apart

I was like you

I won't let you fall apart

"He starts describing that he was in the same position before he met her and he was exactly like her. He finally has someone to care about and is scared to lose her."

Chapter 6A: Just Like You Imagined

"This instrumental revisits his journey starting with whispers and beats of drums going into synths and then chaotic synths leading to drone like vocals which in the end represents the highs and lows to finally reach his human side once more."

Chapter 7A: Even Deeper

I woke up today

To find myself in the other place

With a trail of footprints

From where I ran away

It seems everything I've heard

Just might be true

And you know me

(well you think you do)

Sometimes, I have everything - yet I wish I felt something

"He woke up to find himself happy like he had wanted but now he still feels empty inside like he lacks something vital."

Do you know how far this has gone?

Just how damaged have I become?

When I think I can overcome

It runs even deeper

"He is having a weak moment, he is admitting that it's hard to overcome these trials he's undergoing."

And in a dream I'm a different me

With a perfect you

We fit perfectly

And for once in my life I feel complete

And I still want to ruin it

Afraid to look

As clear as day

This plan has long been underway

"He admits fear of ruining what he just gained and the plan of his long term happy life."

I hear them call

I cannot stay

The voice inviting me away

"The temptation of his machine side is still calling to him to end it but he pushes forward and ignores it."

Do you know how far this has gone?

Just how damaged have I become?

When I think I can overcome

It runs even deeper

Everything that matters is gone

All the hands of hope have withdrawn

Could you try to help me hang on?

It runs...

"He's started to ignore that his happiness is right in front of him and starts to fall in his hole again but then he sees her falling deeper than he was and it surprises him. Once again he stops in his wording."

I'm straight

I won't crack

On my way

And I can't turn back

I'm okay

I'm on track

On my way

And I can't turn back

I stayed

On this track

Gone too far

And I can't come back

I stayed

On this track

Lost my way

Can't come back

"He implies by the end that by following this track he lost his way and can't come back from it even though he already has started to."

Chapter 8A: Pilgrimage

"The guitar and slight vocal filled instrumental track represents some form of chaos that's going on within him. Most likely the chaos of thinking he is still what he used to be when in reality he has risen above what he once was."

Chapter 9A: No, You Don't

Smiling in their faces

While filling up the hole

So many dirty little places

In your filthy little worn out

Broken down see through soul

"It's hard to tell in this track if for a moment he turns into a machine and turns on her or if it's the remaining machine criticizing his happiness but personally I believe it's the latter."

Baby's got a problem

Tries so hard to hide

Got to keep it on the surface

Because everything else is dead on the other side

Teeth in the necks of everyone you know

You can keep on sucking until the blood won't flow

When it starts to hurt it only helps it grow

Taking all you need

(but not this time)

No, you don't

And just for the record

Just so you know

I did not believe

That you could sink so low

"In this dialogue the machine is sounding condescending like he has full control over him at the end of it all."

You think that you can beat them

I know that you won't

You think you have everything

But no, you don't

No, you don't

No, you don't

No, you don't

No, you don't

"In the remaining lyrics it sounds like he is telling the remaining parts of the machine within that it's not taking over him anymore. It's basically him saying No, You Don't. This track is the death of the machine for now. He killed him off for good by choosing to confront this toxic self."

Chapter 10A: La Mer (The Sea)

"This track is about the girl as she finally gives into her demons and accomplishes what Mr. Self Destruct failed to do at the end of Hurt."

Et il est un jour arrivé (and when the day arrives)

Marteler le ciel (I'll become the sky)

Et marteler la mer (and I'll become the sea)

Et la mer avait embrassé moi (and the sea will come to kiss me)

Et la délivré moi de ma caille (for I am going home)

À rien ne peut m'arrêter maintenant

(Nothing can stop me now)

"The return of that line representing she is finally at peace as she dies."

Chapter 11A: The Great Below

"This is where the main character finally feels sadness and sorrow for the first time"

Staring at the sea

Will she come?

Is there hope for me

After all is said and done

Anything at any price

All of this for you

All the spoils of a wasted life

All of this for you

All the world has closed her eyes

Tired faith all worn and thin

For all we could have done

And all that could have been

"He lost his happiness and has become sad that he had it all and now it's all gone for good. He is adrift at sea not knowing how to deal with her passing."

Ocean pulls me close

And whispers in my ear

The destiny I've chose

All becoming clear

The currents have their say

The time is drawing near

Washes me away

Makes me disappear

And I descend from grace

In arms of undertow

I will take my place

In the great below

"He's considering suicide to join her like he had planned but he knows that's not what his final fate is yet so he will push."

I can still feel you

Even so far away

"No matter what he does she is still in his heart despite her not being alive and with him anymore. He is becoming fragile again just like the beginning. He feels grief which is another stage that shows he has become human but now he is too blinded by sorrow to see what he has achieved. The next major lyric motif will be "I can still feel you."."

And with that ends side A of the story. Part 2/Side B will be the next post I write. Thanks for following the stories thus far and check out The Downward Spiral story to see the start and past of our MC.

[lifelivinghappyhuman]

So recently I have come to terms with the fact that I can change myself. Now before you get all "you're beautiful" or "you're perfect the way you are" on me, hear me out. I am twenty three years old and I have severe anxiety and depression and I have major anger issues and an abandonment issue ( pst..... it mean I am terrified of people leaving me). I had a pretty fucked up childhood that caused all these issues that were not gonna get into details with........ unless you wanna know. Anyways, I have been suffering with this for a very long time and I went into a downward spiral about two years ago that has ultimately turned me into a mean person that even treated there spouse mean when sad. I've spent most of the last two years as an anxious ball of hate and fear and downright hating everything. I justified all my behavior I was doing by saying it's my anxiety not me. Two weeks ago I was in such a bad state that I bought a lot of weed and I spent multiple days straight just being high and numbing myself from feeling anything and I started to feel great. I blocked all the bad thoughts and spent three days straight listening to music and having me time and really just thinking about my life and what I was doing. I realized that the way I was acting isnt right. That I cant keep living this way. I was more happy in those few days then I had been in the last two years ( minus my wedding day, I was pretty happy that day). I spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing and any time a bad thought would come in my head I forced it to stop, I used logic, I thought through my bad thoughts....... I was learning. I realized I can change and I told myself I would do anything to feel this way forever because it's so amazing to feel genuine emotions again that aren't just sadness. If you are reading this and you also suffer from anxiety and depression and you just wanna feel normal again, or you just wanna stop feeling sad all the time, I get what you are going though but I can honestly confirm that it does get better. I've felt so happy and at piece and every day is still a challenge, but I have a goal and I'm working on getting that goal accomplished. I understand it's hard, that's why I never wanted to change. It's easier to just let the sadness happen. To let your anxiety take over. It's hard to fight the sad feelings, to force yourself to think through your thoughts. I had an extra hard day the other day and I had many thoughts of why am I doing this. Then my wife got home and she reminded me of why I'm I'm fighting to get better. I am hear for you and please dont ever give up ❤

[the-origin-story]

Origin Story Character Text Posts +Cyra, Jean and Kira and The Squad

Kira: Someone: *tries to guilt trip me* Me: the jokes on you!! i feel guilty 97% of the time for Everything I Do!, if i didn't have have depression no one could fucking stop me. i only have depression because otherwise im too powerful., please don't flirt with people i secretly like it's rude and disrespectful, i have three moods: fuck off, fuck you, fuck me., im cute and small and ready to brawl, "talk about" hahah, no no, i prefer to internalize all my problems so they eat away at me from inside until im unable to function in any way, no offense @life but can a have a breather...a break...some slack..., yea boys are cute but they disgust me and constantly disappoint me, she's beauty, she's grace, she'll punch you in the face, 5'2 but my attitude 6'2, "If I don't have calves of steel or abs of iron by the end of this trip, I'm going to feel so cheated.", "No offense, but I just can't process the fact that someone might actually care about me.", night time would be so beautiful and fun if all men had a curfew. me?? using sarcasm as a defense mechanism???????? what?????, When a girl says she has experimented with girls, that does not necessarily mean she's bi. She may just be an evil scientist., the bible said adam AND eve so i slept with them both, list of people i'm going to fight: everyone. put your fists up i'm coming for you, stale cinnamon roll, been in this world too long, too cynical

Jean: i don't have a nervous system. i am a nervous system., pick your battles. pick...fewer battles than that. put some battles back. that's too many., Wakey wakey eggs and social anxiety, enough about sex positions has anyone discovered a reading position which doesn't get uncomfortable after 5 minutes, i'm actually pretty cool just me like 5 tries to get it right, i love freckles theyre skin stars, never underestimate my ability to find shit out, "I don't feel that sore right now, but ask me again tomorrow and I'm sure I'll have a more colorful answer for you.", my life is constantly an inner monologue of "why do i do this to myself", 90% of my day is me being nervous., every friend group has the mom friend, if you don't who it is you're it.

Cypress: biology more like BYEology because I'm out, Highest form of art: girls, i don't want to look "pretty" i want to look otherworldly and vaguely threatening, things that make every video game better: give me nice outfits to wear, let me be gay, give me a pet, yoU THINK YOU'RE REAL CUTE, DON'T YOU???? REAL FUCKING CUTE RIGHT???? i think so to, "Your aim's a little off - now look at that. You just smushed the ant. Now it can't crawl anymore.", appreciation post for broccoli, thanks for being so tasty you tiny trees, there are people out there that are the embodiment of the sun like the things they say and do light up the world and make you feel warm they are human sunshine, I slept for 8 hours straight and then 2 hours gay, fuck dating girls who are "naturally pretty". date girls who are supernaturally pretty. date a hot ass ghost. date a fucking alien., Current mood: wanting to have a hooded cloak and to be in misty forest., You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?, "guys prefer-" that's nice i don't care, how to look cute but like you could kill someone

Liam: ive been annoyed ever since i was born, members of my squad: me, I may seem like an asshole but deep down im a good person and even deeper down im a bigger asshole, I came out to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now, me, introducing myself: it is i, your local asshole, my kink is when everyone shuts the fuck up, *at a job interview* Oh yes, my criminal record? The only illegal thing I've done in absolutely KILLIN it on the dancefloor. Haha, just kidding! I have killed a man., The worst part about kissing a perfect ten is the cold feeling your lips get from touching the mirror., i don't want a friend w/ benefits i just want the benefits keep your friendship away from me, Ur what we call in the scientific community a "lil bitch", have u ever met the human version of a headache, *barges out of coffin at funeral yelling sike*, i'm permanently emotionally damaged, but its chill, I'm chill, no addressing our problems we downward spiral like men, I'm wasting my youth and beauty being a mysterious eccentric loner and I wouldn't have it any other way, im alive out of spite

Beckett: world's okayest friend, Do you ever look at someone and you're like how, "What are you twelve" Yeah on a scale of one to ten bye, having 3 friends is a lot of work, "Yeah I'm going chug four servings of this entire energy drink so I can crash later and actually get some sleep.", when you see a person smile and it's like...holy shit...what is this magic...please do that again, Stop taking advantage of people with good hearts & who are emotionally vulnerable, "you're so sweet!" thank you i have abandonment issues, IF YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY WHO KISSES A GIRL ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD WHEN HUG THEM THEN YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT MY FRIEND, beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure, why is everyone so mean. How aren't you tired

Cyra: When a grumbly grump who hates everyone and sees the world as dark and cold and unforgiving loves a sunshiney optimist. When a sunshiney optimist who sees the best in everyone thinks the grumbly grump is the best thing out of the whole beautiful world., do you like sleeping because so do i we should do it together sometime, love yourself so we can have something in common, how many eye contact until date, beING SUPER IN LOVE WITH YOUR FRIENDS BUT IN A FRIEND WAY but also a little bit in a gay way but also in a friEND WAY, anyone have that friend that you REALLY wanna fuck but you're never gonna say anything about it, listen i didn't come here to ship it lightly ok i came here for it to consume my soul, you could take me on a date anywhere and i'd be happy. like it could be the movie theater, or watching a movie at your house. fuck you could take me outside and we could look at clouds and climb trees i do not care as long as we hold hands or something at some point., my mom thought otp meant "oh, the pain." what's the difference., My way of flirting is looking at the person I'm attracted to and hoping they're braver than I am., i;m feeling...what's the word...........gay, I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH WITH MY OWN MOUTH Softly Because I like you

Jean and Kira: i would follow you to the ends of the earth with only mild complaining, does anybody else have that friend that your pretty sure is your soulmate but in a friend way, friend(jean): fuck off stop punching me me(kira): it's called platonic bdsm, when ur best friend says something weird and ur just like...I love you but what have I gotten myself into with this friendship, do you ever look at your best friend and just "who the hell blessed me with this dork, i am the luckiest loser in the galaxy."

The Squad: "what are the chances of EVERYONE in a friend group being queer" do you realize that we all tend to flock together like penguins huddling for warmth in a cold heteronormative, world right