#now that i think abt it they did have the 'members + some semblance of them taking photos' thing in like... three? albums?

[leatherbookmark]

interrupting a deluge of love pouring out of my heart to ask the most important question: WHAT is this camera yashica t2 ;-)

[innocencelives]

cont. diary entry: talking to myself and reflecting on the decade, a long recap and a look towards the future.

i have had this blog since march 2016. 8 years, almost a decade. since then ive been periodically ranting abt my abuse, reblogging traumacore/nature/cats/relatable posts/random funnies. for a while in the first couple years i made many trauma-based edits, quotes, and lots of poems. havent made one of those in a while, but i still get notifications probably daily from them.

im thinking tonight about truly how little has changed since then. im 26, i started confronting my trauma in 10th grade, i would have been about 16 so. as i say i opened pandoras box. followed breadcrumbs down a path that i would never be able to walk back from. in an effort to understand myself, to make sense of the pain in my body that haunted every thing i had ever done. it wasnt a few years before that i was cutting myself all over, trying to die, withdrawing, beginning to unravel. i suppose i cant blame myself for wanting to solve this mystery of, what had destroyed me. but what i found, not found. what i confronted, what i had decided to think twice about, perhaps that wasnt so normal? how could i have ever thought it was normal was beyond me.

sure it was liberating, it still kind of us. but facing that truth, only unraveled me further. more withdrawing, more self destruction, more isolation, more distortions of self, lost purpose, lost opportunity, couldnt get out of bed, couldnt go to school. it was naive to think i could confront abuse being done by someone across the hall from me. i fell deeper into dysfunction, having found the source of my destruction overwhelmed me, i was sort of seduced by it. it felt comforting to understand myself, to put the pieces together. i was no longer confused, but it was worse to see my life as a whole. it was heartbreaking. it shattered the last bit of illusion that-i was the source of my lifes troubles. instead of me being this bad seed, it was truly everything around me that wasnt what it seemed. i wish i could live in the truman show again.

ironically, though i tried to face it in order to heal from it, it caused more trauma. i wasnt ready, i wasnt remotely ready for that truth. homelessness, rape, beating, toxic relationships, false trusting, most significantly: the severing of all ties with every last member of my once perfect family. i did the right thing, bizarely. bizarelly, living on the street, ending up in the arms of other abusers, agoraphobia beyond belief, from one toxic living situation to the next, giving up every semblance of a normal life, of all my opportunity, all my potential, i had become whole. a complete person. one with a beginning, middle, and what i thought was an end. a liberating, destructive truth.

here i am, sitting with the ashes and the debris, years later. a new city, a found family, welfare income, welfare food, welfare healthcare, welfare rent. and also, some more potential. well. in theory, there is a path that could lead to a purpose. but alas, this kind of tragedy cannot be undone. how naive, how naive to think i had figured it all out. i thought, now i know, now i get it, now it makes sense. if only that kid knew. their hellish life, it had only begun. so much more hell to walk through. worse realities awaited me just around the corner. by opening pandoras box, following the bread crumbs, pulling that string until it led to a horrible, liberating truth.

did it liberate me? i wish it were that simple. i wish, just by understanding why i was the way i was, i could heal from it. by seeing those memories for what they were, i received more than just a realization. worse symptoms, those distortions of thought, more abuse, more abusers, homelesness, the soul crushing grief of losing my whole family. and all for the love of the truth. it picked and pulled everything until there was nothing left. nothing but a broken child, now more alone and more abandoned than ever.

i honestly, truly, am still reeling from all of it. i lived many lifetimes, it perhaps will take the rest of this one to find peace. so many years since ive seen them all, but the farther i drift from that tragedy, the more i walk right into it. after all, the pitiful life i live now, is just the aftermath. i have. i have sort of built something beautiful? the beginnings. the foundations. the threads of a new life.

i have to give myself time. i know, i know i want to forget. i know i wish every single day my past could go away, that it could stop clawing at this life. the way it feels so suffocating, so omnipresent, so many years later, is heartbreaking. but. put it this way, to state it bluntly. if my friend told me, they had faced incestous sexual abuse from one parent, emotional abuse and neglect from the other, olympic level gaslighting from countless associates of them, true medical and psychiatric abuse from the doctors they conspired with, the incest being so shocking and unbelievably that my entire extended family left me to rot, two bouts of homelesness, walking the streets no one to care if i died, taken advantage of by further predators, struggling to escape my familys reach and control years after, life altering levels of depression and anxiety, such an intense kind of dissociation i didnt need weed to leave my body, the level to which these years of abuse laid wreck my body and brain, unable to act like other humans, unable to socialize, to buy groceries, living in squalor and filth because i shower once a month, clean once a year, of COURSE. of fucking course im not fucking a-okay after a few years!

gotta be patient with myself. i find myself, continuously shocked by the truth of my life. my new thing is using the word “incest” i think its such a puke-worthy word. absolutely disgusting, anyone who hears it wants to hide in a closet and cover their ears. really just, a nasty gross little word. and yet, its not just something reserved for documentaries. it is the story of my life. it is a key that unlocks the deep reaches of my psyche, all the way to the stains on my shorts because i struggle to do the laundry. it is in my veins, it is in my heart, and it is written on ever piece of skin on my body. im okay with that. its true after all! why hide it, why pretend? why euphemize? why not just, say it for what it is?

its not the end of me, but it is a part of me.“oh the places youll go”, i have many places left to go. many cities left to see, many highs left to reach, so much life left to live and yes-many more tears left to cry. i carry my abuse with me, thats okay. a disability. im on disability so, it really is like a missing leg. i cant wish my leg back right! cant heal from a fucking missing leg, why try? why pretend? but it does get easier. maybe not now. fuck i wish it was now. im sick of it. but i wouldnt expect this of anyone else who had been through such waking nightmares, i cant expect it of myself. that part of me…always helpful to think of it like a child. the child in me, that screams out to be helped, screams their being hurt, that no one came to save them. they have every right to scream.

i love them. ill hug them as tight as i can… better days are not just a pipe dream. there sitting waiting for me. just going to cry some more tears. scream a bit more. hug this child. and have hope.

[seokmins]

hello~ I'm back again (to write)!! On this blog (I have to re-edit things some day soon)!! I received this on my other account but wanted to post it on here instead cuz it's cute and sfw 😊 also again I think I'm sooo funny and this side of tumblr deserves to see my shenanigans after all this time <3

In the end, I believe the members would trust each other bc they know each other so well but I'll focus on the lil bumps along the way lol. Also for easier purposes, this is a fake sister just to make it work/age appropriate 🤪

【ˢⱽᵀ ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡⁱˢᵗ || ᴰʳᵃᵇᵇˡᵉ ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡⁱˢᵗ || ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳᵖᵒˢᵗ】

Seungcheol

The whole reason his sister is single

Doesn't mean to be but is extremely intimidating

You know when he crosses those beefy arms of his and leans back with a questioning eyebrow?

It's enough to make any potential suitor flee tbh

Really he's just making sure his sister is taken care of

Still it's nerve-wracking to tell him

But he tries to be v mature abt it actually

Does that whole dad/bro act of clasping the member on the shoulder and looking at them dead ass in the eye

Which is terrifying but like also everyone knows and trusts each other so it's just an awkward stare down

Occasionally asks for "reports" from the other members as a way to have some semblance of brotherly control but gives up when he gets sick of hearing all the sappy stuff 💀

Will always take his sister's side in a fight 😤💪🏼

Jeonghan

I don't think he'd care all that much because his sister is just as much of a menace as he is... Prolly even more

In fact, I think he'd be the type to pat the member on the back and wish them good luck with a grimace

And then tells his sister to be play nice

Takes advantage of the brother-in-law status as a way to get away w/ things even more than he already does

"I'm telling your sister"

"No I'm telling my sister all your dirty secrets!"

And then

"I don't want to take out the trash"

"Well you can't date my member!"

Just a lot of back and forth shenanigans

I think the members might be too afraid to date jeonghan's sister and all that comes with it (jeonghan) tbh

Takes no one's side in a fight - prolly instigated it and fans the flames on the dl 😭 might take the member's side for kicks and giggles (until his sister chews him out)

When it all comes down to it though, he'll listen and make a decision... Now is it a good one? Find out next on jeonghan's antics smh

Joshua

This man is fanfic material, isn't he?

I think he'd take it quite easily bc he trusts his sister and his members but still kinda judgy bc he knows both sides really well

However

He will be sneaky and text his sister and then his member at different points to casually see if their stories match up 😭

Gets caught rather quickly tho bc they're an open communication couple and plead for Joshua to stop treating them like kids

He's actually happy with that result and says he did it as a test but he's also really just a busybody

Also tries to enact a curfew at some point bc he's vaguely perturbed by it all

But that falls through rather quickly and he just kind of has to turn a blind eye to it and suck it up

Will tell each person he takes their side in a fight only to get each side of the story and then come to a solid conclusion before he sits them both down to talk

Junhui

Side-eyes but really doesn't say much

The kind that either complains about his sister dating a member OR the kind that uses it as an excuse to like get away w/ asking out his sister's friend

Or have a date set up

Really obnoxious about it

Will force the couple to come on blind/double dates

Claims to be the one that brought them together (kind of ig)

But like takes all the credit in that annoyingly smug way lying through his teeth 🤡

However, if he sticks to just complaining he will tag along to every date of theirs anyway

Will find out

And will be there

Can't get rid of him

Like he's not even going to be stay with them technically but the couple swears they can feel his presence

Or just see his face in the crowd

Maybe it's the paranoia and he's simply sleeping at home

Takes no one's side in a fight - you think he's getting involved w/ that mess? Call him when it's sorted out, he has dinner plans at 7 <3

Soonyoung

Pouts bc his sister will pay even more attention to his other members than him

Flexes the brother-in-law status enough that it's annoying tho

Also constantly third-wheels but it's innocently coincidental unlike Jun but still irritating

The kind to jokingly tell his sister to date jihoon just to annoy his bestie fr

But if it really happens it's not a joke anymore and he's thrilled

Either way, he's a happy camper and is always organizing big family/group gatherings just to show off the couple

Has cute little couple ideas for both sides <3

Already planning his congratulatory marriage speech 😭

HE BETTER BE BEST MAN

Prolly planning the baby shower too

He's just a little excited </3

Cries during any fights he knows about bc he already bought baby clothes and it's past the 30 month mark to return them

Wonwoo

Pushes up his glasses like an anime character

If cheol was scary, wonu is terrifying

For no good reason, other than his foreboding aura

Will jokingly offer for the member to beat him at a video game for his sister's hand

Everyone knows how good at gaming he is and he brutally will beat you so it's a lot of 🥲 at first until they realize he's joking

Extremely chill in the end but sometimes at night, the member swears he's standing in the shadows at the foot of the bed making threats to pulverize them in their sleep or sumn

Actually gives them a "healthy couple's communication love and affection guide" idk if y'all know those American Girl guides to life back in the day but like that lmao

Quizzes them weekly

They can go on a date if they pass

Projects include buying gifts for one another and cute little surprises tbh

In all seriousness, he's very supportive and cool just like be amicable and understanding w/ one another cuz he's always watching 👀

Takes no side in fighting bc isn't that what he gave those relationship building exercises for? 😭

Jihoon

Pretends like it hasn't happened

If he doesn't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist right?

You can't avoid your issues like that jihoon!!

Hiding in his studio tbh

But like then he ends up cornered when his sister brings in the member she's dating

Bonus points if it's NOT hoshi

Absolute dread if it is

Will momentarily contemplate methods on how to break them up

But will end up writing a love song for them instead

Many love songs uwu

Do not come to him for fights, he will write a sad song instead encouraging y'all to fix your own problems or sumn

Although if one of them gets to him first, he'll write a really accusatory song based on what they say to him 🥊

It's a total banger and tops the charts even if it makes the ppl involved mad every time it plays

Seokmin

Tries and pretends to be threatening but quickly folds and offers to buy his member a celebratory drink instead

Last to find out only because he's a bit oblivious to the very obvious signs and everyone thought he knew

Like "oh my sister gets along really well w/ the members!" :DDD

No seokmin, she's not sitting on his lap out of good, wholesome friendship vibes!!! They're a couple!!

Kind of mentally scarred tbh tho can't imagine them in a relationship ™

Like. "What do u do together?"

"We go on dates"

"Why?"

"We're dating?"

"Okay but why?"

"Because we like each other?"

"But wh-"

"OMFG seokmin...!"

Prolly has walked in on compromising situations - that's prolly how he found out as well lol

Alexa play trauma by HHU 😭

WILL CRY IF U FIGHT but prolly takes his sister's side 🥹

Mingyu

Upset only because he was the last to be told bc he would blab to everyone

No but he'd be really ecstatic abt the whole deal tbh

Def the one to take all kinds of aesthetic couple pics for Instagram

And throws a v public complaint if not tagged/credited for each one

Also saves Polaroids for his own use and shows them off at any point he can

At least one in his wallet at all times and he rotates them depending on the season and/or how many he's taken

Shows them to the elderly at any given moment and will blab fondly about how beautiful and wonderful love is

Might have one in his phone case too in the same manner

Cooks meals and invites the couple/brings the meals to wherever they are

Will be the therapist in any fight bc he knows them so well, lots of intense nodding and thorough listening, prolly the best mediator out there 😂 who needs couples' therapy when you have mingyu?

Minghao

Judges harshly but doesn't say anything but everyone can feel™ the initial disapproving vibes but he's basically silent abt it overall

Likes to know about the dates simply so he can style either his sister, the member, or both

Buys matching shirts, accessories, and lil houseware for them bc no one except him has a decent sense of style!

Uses that as an excuse to check in or stop by

Hates third-wheeling w/ a passion tho

Will awkwardly make up ANY excuse if caught w/ them by himself

Prolly drags a member w/ him for safety measures

Cringe fest for all

I think he'd be v no nonsense and a good person to come to and calm down during a fight

Has his meditation rituals down pat for issues like these

No need to take sides when you're taking a calming tea session and then mediating after 🙏🏼

Seungkwan

Appalled bc his sister can do so much better

Like. He's seen these men and their disgusting habits

He's a female rights supporter in the best way

Tries to be intimidating but he is not... he is just cute and huffy

Hoshi will forever clown the situation that went down for years to come

Prolly a combo of him being sassy paired w/ him wanting to beat someone up like in that gif yk the one

Or hugging them like he did that fake hug to dino in that gose ep lol

Embittered by this for years

It's marked in his calendar just as the rest of the milestones are

He's petty enough that he would never intentionally sabotage the relationship but enough that everyone knows ™

Despite the fact that he's always the first to remember and congratulate on any anniversary or celebratory event

Chanting kiss kiss kiss and then pretends he wasn't

Loves all the tea - will give a smug "I told you" look whenever there are fights

But also the first to resolve them even if he will ALWAYS take his sister's side 💯

Vernon

This man could care less about anything EXCEPT when it comes to his sister

Like it gets real y'all, he takes off his headphones and beanie like this is abt to get serious 🍿

"Why my sister bro?"

No one has ever seen him move that fast in his life to demand answers from his member

Demands a trial run and a meme challenge

Who can send a meme that makes his sister laugh

That's a stupid competition vernonie

Anyways winner is undeclared 😂

Can't believe this, refuses to accept it UNTIL his sister confirms it and calms him down

Fine. He's okay w/ it ig but sends passive aggressive memes in the group chat like all the time

Always coughs and says "my sister" when the member says "my girlfriend" 😭 like EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Also takes his sister's side like do or die mode bro u better be ready to square tf up!!

Chan

Disgusted and betrayed

Cannot believe he's now related to a member through a relationship... Even worse MAWWIAGE

Disappears for a week out of protest but comes back bc he's lonely and hungry and sad

Sulks the entire time even when he's back

How could his blood, brethren, friends, brothers, comrades in arms, and family do him like this?

Fake gags any time there's any lovey dovey crap going on

A petulant child fr

Simply bc he's the baby

Not ready for another baby to come into the picture even tho that's like not even a thought rn

Will eventually warm up abt it

Just takes a v long time bc he thought it was fake or wouldn't last 😭

Then he feels guilty

Avoids confrontations at all cost but bullied by whichever part of the couple to take their side bc of his self-guilt

[brw]

Simon Williams

first impression - well, at first i only rlly knew him as the guy who has vision's brainwaves who also dated wanda! so i didn't rlly like him much, because obviously there are. those panels of him hurting her and beyond being a bad actor and also not rlly being great to vision those were. the only personality traits he had. but i got interested one day and decided to search him up and? discovered he had an Interesting Relationship with a certain hank mccoy and this didn't rlly add up to what i knew abt him previously so i was inspired to read some stuff and. then i was hooked hsjsjeje

impression now - honestly he is SO underrated. like he. gets written weirdly... a lot and its very obvious that a lot of writers dont know how to write him outside his relationship w/ wanda but he's honestly cool! he makes a lot of mistakes but he genuinely wants to do good for people and he also sees the best in everyone. like he was vocally in support of wanda, and seemed completely understanding & accepting of hank when he told him all the bad he'd done over the years. he's also canonically a victim of abuse at the hands of his father & elder brother, which still seems to effect him and his relationships even now. and that abuse makes his decision to be a pacifist all the more potent and meaningful. he's also been implied to have suffered from an anxiety disorder & an eating disorder so like. he is genuinely an interesting and compelling character, it's just a shame he so often gets reduced to "guy wanda sometimes dates who doesn't like vision and doesn't know how to act" smh :/

favourite moment - ooo boy... its hard to say. but. probably his arc where he calls the avengers out on their bullshit in what i think was avengers vol 4. and it's a shame they kinda fucked it over and chalked it up to him being unstable because he genuinely had points. he wasn't wrong. like sure i think. threatening to chuck the avengers tower or whatever into the sea was a little extreme but he did genuinely have a point. and also then straight up told hank he loved him so I'm. hsjsjhjehjjrje. this was a good arc anyway and it's a shame they ruined it. special mention though to his talk w/ hank in uncanny avengers vol 2 #28 (i think it was 28 but it could also have been 25 i. can't remember jsjsjej) because that was genuinely also super sweet and shows how he's willing to grow <3 another special mention to his scenes in vision and the scarlet witch because i think we deserve more content of simon and vision being good family members

idea for a story - with our current understanding of child abuse i would LOVE to see him explore his past and actually get help for it. because it did genuinely affect him for some time and while i think him becoming a pacifist did help i also know that. isn't enough to make years of repressed trauma go away lol. i also think were he to meaningfully think about what he went thru w/ his brother eric, he'd be better able to build a stronger and less strained relationship with vision. and i also think it would be helpful if simon, with our current understanding of eating disorders, had that be a canonical part of him. because he doesn't look like someone w/ an ED. and i think it would be important to see a man who looks muscular and healthy struggle w/ that. just generally. character development. i think it would also be good to bring up his issues w/ amora the enchantress (who was implied to have r*ped him) because while his 90s solo series did bring it up it was also. the 90s jajsjsjsjs. i just basically think something similar to his other series but with better writing and a better understanding of what we're talking about.

unpopular opinion - probably that his relationship w/ wanda is um very unhealthy, on both sides. on one hand, when simon was unstable he violently attacked her and tried to kill her. and that is... not good in the slightest, and him being in emotional distress and physically being unstable due to his ions doesn't excuse that in the slightest. simon also had an issue of putting wanda on an unattainable pedestal, which as someone who did that exact thing with a past partner is not healthy at all. you should be able to admit your partner has flaws and is human, and he did not and could not. but also, wanda hasn't been awfully good to simon either. like for a while she refused to be upfront about her feelings to him, and she slept with him while he was still in incredible emotional distress and upset. and imo because of that he. wasn't rlly in a position to meaningfully consent. so yeah. his and wanda's relationship, even without the relation to vision (which makes it worse) has never rlly been healthy.

favourite relationship - his and hank's! tbh it's probably the best one he has. those two. really love each other it is very sweet. they've both obviously grown a lot but i still think they're good/best friends and their relationship, romantic or platonic is obviously very important to the both of them. they're. very close together and i hope that at some point we can. see them be avengers together again because they were so funny sjshwnsnejen. but i also really like his relationship w/ vision when it's written well, because the two of them have. obviously been thru a lot in their own familial relationships so seeing the two of them have some semblance of "normal" with each other is very sweet. i also like the mental relationship of him being viv's uncle a lot. its not canon yet but i have hopes 🤞 he was a good uncle to tommy and billy growing up so by logic he should be a good uncle to viv too!

favourite headcanon - hmmm, probably the one i have now that he is jewish. idk it just. works with him! he is after all a kirby creation. but there's also one i have where he played the violin when he was younger, which also works with him. like idk. it's seems like a thing rich ppl make their kids do and it fits with him 😊

send me a character!

[batsickle]

i take that back just do all of them or all the odds whichever suits u

bless u for letting me run my mouth abt my current obsession

1. favourite character?

too hard aaaaaaaa but its probably gon be restricted to team RWBY

2. least favourite character?

hMMMMm probably adam because I just want him to die

3. favourite canon relationship?

can i say bumbleby because hA

4. favourite relationship that you think may become canon?

BUMBLEBY BUMBLEBY BMBLDBBV

5. favourite relationship you don’t think will ever become canon?

hmmmmmmm this is really hard but nuts n dolts?? and maybe qrowin even tho im sorta iffy abt the age difference???

6. favourite member of team RWBY?

i love all of them!!

7. favourite member of team JNPR?

Pyrrha, may she rest in peace

8. favourite member of team WTCH?

uhhhhh maybe cinder lol? But if Neo counts as a villain of WTCH, then her.

9. favourite episode ?

bruh this volume, starting from Alone in the Woods the episdoes have been A+ but I also really love Burning the Candle from S2 (rewatched that sooo much) 

10. best volume in your opinion?

six!!! this current one

11. which volume had the best soundtrack, in your opinion?

i am actually not sure as i dont rly keep myself updated enough but i liked practically all of vol1 and some from 2

12. favourite song off the soundtrack?

i like mirror mirror, red like roses pt2, sacrifice, gold is really cute

13. least favourite episode?

dont remember lol 

14. when did you start watching the show?

like the end of season 1, maybe around the middle of when season 2 started airing?

15. do you own any merchandise?

no :(

16. have you written any fanfic?

heuh

17. have you drawn any fanart?

heuh yeah but its not good

18. have you cosplayed anyone? if not, who would you cosplay if you could?

noooo but i think i remembered really wanting to cosplay blake, but now I wanna cosplay ruby, although Raven’s outfit is BOMB

19. what do you think of the animation

it’s gotten a LOT better but I still kind of dislike how the young female character faces all look the same…but idk thats kind of an anime thing so what can u do

20. which place in Remnant you would visit, but would never live in?

Argus because it looks like SF but its cold

21. which place in Remnant would you live in if you could?

Vale i guess?? I dont remember what each of the towns’ qualities were again but vale looks liveable

22. who’s backstory do you want to find out?

 Team STRQ’s! or Cinder or Neo’s.

23. out of the currently known backstories, which is your favourite?

hmmmmm……..idk….Blake’s or Maria’s, or Weiss’s maybe? Even though I think when we finally find out what happened to STRQ I’m gonna go crazy

24. who’s semblance is the coolest, in your opinion?

Weiss’s by far!!! other than looking pretty and her movements looking so cool, it seems so versatile. She can summon things!!!! thats so cool. Maybe Glynda after Weiss.

25. if you could change one thing about the series, would you change anything?

I personally wish that it wasnt 3D, or that the first couple seasons would be redone because there was always a learning curve and things like animation/voice acting in the earlier stages was a bit awkward and imo put off some people from watching it. But that doesn’t mean I wanna discredit crwby’s difficult work. Its just my personal opinion rip

26. what are your wishes for volume 6?

BUMBLEBY BE CANON!!

27. which character do you think is voice acted the best?

hmmm I don’t really know but maybe Qrow or Maria or …….Volume 6 Blake? I thought Arryn’s VA-ing that last episode was sooo good omg