#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anaalnathrakhs · 28 days

Text

love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what

#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school #because i cant kick my parents out #and appartments cost money #and i dont have a car to sleep in #i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult #anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships #all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic #or to become a freelancer #i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently #but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago #incredibly good for my mental health as you can see #god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases #but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out #several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just #am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me #on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO #i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager #now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education #and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously #perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money #broadcasting my misery #vent

15 notes · View notes