#obviously asexual is the personal term but i need descriptors so bad

[something-unsightly]

on my knees praying to god that someone invents a word for something being hot that doesnt imply what hot means at all

[trans-girl-nausicaa]

Okay but........ obviously the drugs thing is stupid as hell but that blogger IS blatantly aphobic so

can you clarify or explain further? the term “aphobia” is applied to such different things that i have no idea what you’re actually saying by using the term. though, honestly, that might be a completely moot point. not really interested in engaging in a potentially pointless discussion of this so im just gonna state upfront now that i am also considered an “aphobe” by some; i was put on an “aphobe blocklist” (for reasons that were never explained to me lol?)and yeah no offense but i don’t use the term “aphobia” because i don’t see the analytical utility in it. i don’t see (statistically, materially, politically, socially, economically, intellectually, religiously) a system of oppression against asexual/aromantic persons that the term “aphobia” is supposed to be describing and making reference to. furthermore i fundamentally disagree with the application of the split attraction model (sexual versus romantic attraction). it is apparently supposed to be a more accurate descriptor for sexual orientations but it is like a medical diagnostic approach to sexual orientation; it breaks down people into socially meaningless categories and obscures the real socioeconomic relations that form our society. at the end of the day a person is either categorized by society/economy as a denigrated category or not. a person is either targeted by homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, or they are not. certainly ones self-perception and intentional acts are a big part of this, which is why homophobia and transphobia have the socioeconomic power to keep people closeted, and why the closet is a “safe zone” that people stay in because they are in danger, because they are afraid, because of the active threat against them. certainly i can’t REALLY interrogate other people’s self-identified labels. that’s personal. But also i feel that the ideas of “aromanticism and asexuality” often obscure and impair people’s ability to self-perceive healthily. What i am referring to here is that, LGBT people necessarily have complicated inner conflicts with their sexuality because of the various violences of society. there are gay people who go through a period of thinking:“perhaps i CAN have a relationship with someone of the opposite gender as i am commanded to and it’ll be ok because even though i am not sexually attracted to them at all, i can still communicate on an emotional level and maybe that’s enough?” And these people go through a horrible time trying to force themselves to successfully perform heterosexuality, and ultimately accept their own gay desires and identity. They go on to have fulfilling sexual/romantic relationships with people of the same gender. And there are trans people who go through a period of thinking:“perhaps the reason i am repulsed by my own sexuality, by my sexual characteristics, by having sex, by the gendered nature of romance and sexual intimacy, is because i am simply incapable of sexual or romantic connection at all?”And these people go through a horrible time trying to suppress their discomfort and ultimately identifying their gender dysphoria and articulating their transgender identity. They go on to transition and have fulfilling sexual/romantic relationships with people who respect their gender. This is not an attempt to dissuade people who identify as asexual or aromantic from identifying as such. I am describing historically prominent conflicts, traumas, that LGBT people go through, have gone through for decades. It is a very bad practice to view states of repulsion to sex and/or romance as universally IMMUTABLE IDENTITIES rather than things that are extremely common symptoms of trauma. Obviously people can exhibit these behaviors for reasons other than trauma but the point is that they ARE COMMON SYMPTOMS. I think that people need to do a lot better job of promoting healthy ways for people to self-identify points of trauma.

[aselkie]

My journey to my current orientation.

So I currently identify as on the asexual spectrum. But there is a part of me that almost feels like I am ‘faking’ or ‘attention-seeking’ by trying to be different. And it makes me nervous about speaking to people about it or about seeking out new people to connect with over this.

I feel like one of the reasons for this is probably how I discovered this. For a long time, I have been quite interested/fascinated with the sheer number of different sexualities and identities that there are. I think that this first came about when I began questioning myself because I felt quite different to the rest of my friends.  During my 3rd or 4th year of high school (age 14-15, I think), I started to wonder why when all of my friends started talking about people who they thought were “hot” and talking about “sexual” topics, I always began to feel quite uncomfortable or awkward. My friendship group consisted of about 8 individuals, including me, split evenly with 4 girls and 4 boys, so it wasn’t like it was strictly about “hot” males or “hot” females.  Something then sparked it in me to look up the different sexualities and I was fascinated by all of the different terms. I would spend ages looking through the lists, reading the definitions and just being really curious. 

Around this time, I also began to think that I wasn’t completely straight. I wasn’t sure what I was exactly, but I didn’t think I was fully straight. And while there was a part of me that adopted the attitude of “Fuck it, it doesn’t matter, why use labels?”, there was another part of me that just wanted some... descriptor? Something that I could use to identify myself or define myself. I still have this internal debate to this day. 

Anyway, I looked through all of the lists of sexuality definitions that I had bookmarked and looked for one that described me. Eventually, I looked at pansexual. And this is what I defined myself as for about 2 years.  I had come to this conclusion because I thought about it and decided that “sure, I would have sex with a guy or a girl. I don’t think I would mind what bits they had.” For me, that was that. Just thinking that I “wouldn’t mind” meant that I would. Obviously, I don’t think I fully understood the whole sexual attraction thing. I just thought if I wasn’t put off by the thought then, that what I was. 

Later on, when I was 17-18, I came to the conclusion that maybe I wasn’t pansexual. I can’t exactly remember what caused me to rethink it, I just remember a specific conversation I had with a friend when I had identified myself as demisexual, instead of pansexual (though I think specifically, I identified as demi-pansexual, but whatever). I feel like there is a probability that I had ended up thinking about my sexuality again and then dived back into the bookmarks to scroll through lists that had since been updated to include a whole lot more. 

To give this story a bit more context, around the time when I had this conversation, I had gone out with one of the other guys (we’ll call him Guy A) in my friendship group on maybe 2, 3 dates. In our friendship group, everyone was quite close (except me but that’s another story), and Guy A was good friends with all of the other guys.  During the conversation, Guy B (the one that I probably spoke with the most) was giving me a lift home from one of our ‘parties’ because my parents were out of town and he was saving me from having to get a taxi. While we were driving, he asked me if I liked Guy A, as in like-liked him. And I immediately felt awkward because truthfully, I didn’t. At least, not in the way that I felt I should of. But instead of being a good person and explaining this to Guy A? I kind of just dropped off the face of the Earth and tried to avoid him. Don’t judge me. I hate myself for that too.  But I felt like I could explain this to Guy B. So I said that I identified as demisexual and that I thought there were feelings but I needed to let them get deeper before I felt anything real. He seemed cool with it and then the conversation changed. But that was the time when I distinctly remembered identifying as demisexual. 

Now fast forward a year and I am starting university. I have probably been stressing and thinking hard about how to identify and whether I am lying through my teeth and how I am going to cope meeting so many new people. This change also marked the next change in how I identified myself. I now thought that I was asexual. The first time I remember identifying myself as such was when I was walking one of my school friends to my car so I could drive her home. Now, I knew that she was bisexual, she hadn’t tried to hide and was open about it. So when the conversation about how she had been flirting with a guy on her course, I felt a little bit weird. I then remember her mentioning how she “hated” being bisexual because “both guys and girls are hot” (or something to that effect), and I just responded, “yeah, not sure I fully understand, because I think I’m asexual but okay, whatever you say”. I can’t really remember how she reacted, but I think it was very nonchalant and she carried on as if I hadn’t just casually outed myself for the first time. Maybe it wasn’t the best reaction but whatever, I’ve always tried to be very casual about my sexuality and if I found a new label, I just tried to use it and not address the change unless specifically asked about it. 

The next time I ‘outed’ myself was to my best friend who I think I was more honest with. The conversation we had was more in depth and more open than any other that I might have had in the past. And this might have been the time when I thought that maybe I didn’t fit into a label neatly. Basically, it came about because of a job application form. My friend was working in the hospital and had recommended I also apply because of how good they were at working around university timetables. So she got me a form and we were filling it out on her bed while watching some tv show. The form had a section to ensure against discrimination where it asked questions about nationality, religion and sexuality etc.  Under the sexuality heading, I think there were only the basic options; straight, gay and other. So I ticked the box for other. She asked about it and then I just explained it to her. About how I thought I was asexual but that I wasn’t completely sure. She was accepting and didn’t make a big deal of anything, which I think I am grateful for. 

And that basically brings it to now. Almost a year on from my conversations with my best friend. And I don’t think I’m that much closer to a definite answer on what my orientation is. I am still questioning so much and I nowhere near a definite answer.  And it feels hypocritical that I am here feeling bad about not being certain when on my main blog, I am reblogging so many posts saying “it’s okay to question” and “take your time, there’s no rush”. 

But I think it’s because there is still a part of me that feels like a fraud. That feels like I am just ‘adopting’ this descriptor because it makes me more interesting. That feels like I’m just trying to jump on some bandwagon. 

And I hate that feeling. It makes me like I can’t really get ‘involved’ (I guess that’s the right term) with certain things. Like I see posts about LGBTQIA and there is a debate inside me on whether or not I am included. And I worry that if I tried to include myself, that there will be someone there to make me feel bad or point out that I don’t belong which I think would feel worse than just never having belonged at all. 

Anyway, I have rambled enough and I should probably go to bed. But as it stands right now at 23:41 on the 25th of August 2017, I identify as on the asexual spectrum, or if asked, I would say the label that I feel fits the best is demi-pansexual demiromantic