#oh idk try killing me b/c my WRITING professor hates me for some reason | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

paraclete0407 · 3 years

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1. Staring to think the FSB really did ‘accidentally’ lose track of some material and maybe that is the next step in the Covid era

2. ‘Chain of care / adoption / ownership’ - whose kid belongs to whom, fighting with colleagues over my piano-teacher’s four daughters and one son, they all seemed happy. ‘That’s a reason to hate’ - it was a long time ago, however, and the nature of the hate has changed. I no longer know domestic attitudes and probably there are few adoptions going on at all. Maybe nowadays everyone’s happy and have the same values.

I feel woozy and beyond horrible that I haven’t lived up to my own and may have contributed to misunderstanding rather than understanding. I pray that the details I share will give a bass-note of sorts but I sincerely feel conflicted about educational philosophy particularly w/r/t teaching dark things to children at a young age rather than teach biblical values with some kind of rigorous but kind system or embody these values tacitly(?). We learned about Shoah, abortion, WWII Pacific.

3. ‘Love-stories that begin with movies’ - and yet, I heard music (’Sheep May’).

4. ‘A Millionaire’s First Love’ - give everything at once, a vow, a strong hand. I might have made a mistake in my lack of preparation or in not continuing to give.

5. ‘The Bridge of Life.’ ‘Scholar-David’ trying to be some kind of scholar, I examine the paradigms, Confucius, New Testament, later Old Testament, old and new - ‘keeping the old alive.’ Emerson says the scholar of one candle understands the desires of others but it seems a dangerous idea. Trying to figure out others’ minds all the time is catering if not communism or manipulation. I preferred the other one who knew what to say or decided that they could speak without having to explain why they were saying what they were saying but perhaps this too is fiction. I said something about knowing someone else’s dream and BigBoss got mad at me, what do you know about love, boy - I thought he was being prideful but in retrospect I couldn’t judge, maybe.

I also judged myself - ‘disappointed.’ ‘You do not have the right to judge!’ Eating some vegetables. I don’t know why I said that but in retrospect was possibly trying a kind of maneuver to show someone something. I was happy or satisfied.

6. History was still going on. When _ _ put their hands on my trapezius or neck-muscles or so, this sad-eyed person who in retrospect as not as vulnerable as I was or at least not as feckless, I was reading in the NYT about Raqqa, this distant darkness. What a horrible name, to my ear. It’s very old. Their leader is so ugly. Trump said he died crying which is something to say but I would bet a person like that - I just don’t know what I don’t know; I’m a child of the ‘90s; The ‘EJE’ of bin Laden, the people partying outside the White House making me think of Return of the Jedi to be honest. Ewoks. Years later Director Brennan writes about how pleased he is that real, ordinary, every day Americans are chanting, ‘CIA! CIA!’ Brennan lived in Egypt, studied Arabic. It was also JSOC though a lot of people think about DEVGRU, ST6. This amazing NYT phoo of the ‘operator’s back-muscles amid this gear, later talking with my med school dropout friend about how the SEALs shoot off more ammunition in markmanship-training than like the entire Marine Corps to achieve expertise but then it’s the NYT and they ill say anything that sounds like, ‘CCP deserves to rule the world due to hard work / culture of achievement / Xiang Yu decapitating himself after killing tens of thousands of innocent villages just to get the arcade record or sth’ and I read One Bullet Away and the officer there ignited a lot of propellant(?) as well to make sure he had the highest qualification for his men. McRaven with the ‘devil horns’ at his speech - I’m a McChrystal fundamentalist I think he should ‘kill everyone.’ If medicine- and food-dist fail as I think they might who’s gonna manage stuff the Postal Service? I felt like what’s even going on in his head all the time, 20-hour day, work out with men half his age, 60-page report, one meal. Feel I could do that if I had a ‘place.’ I keep hearing ‘Diffugere Nives’ in my head - ‘say to thy soul’ - I hate that; I’m not Greco-Roman; I want to be post-heroic; I don’t want to participate in war; I don’t even want to go to soi disant ‘professional school’ b/c the people seem burned out and sad to put it too simplistically, I have no idea what they’ve seen. S’hai-1 who was ‘an aurora; White Goddess’ (again I hate to use non-Christian figures of speech but perhaps one could call her a ‘viatrix?’ - traveler? - Yeats ‘pilgrim soul’ - someone trying to carry a baby to safety or carry a destiny?) at 24 in NYC and of whom I wondered during Covid what kind of valley of the shadow she was passing through now she seems like a child. I was reflecting, ‘The psychopathology of the Millennial Generation, the situation, becoming a child then an adult then a child again’ but IDK if that is everyone or just my mom or whatever happened with Taeyeon between ‘Purpose’ (my wife who is also my co-educational-administrator at work / Math Dept. Head Ancient and world Languages Dept. Head or ‘Chief of Staff’) then with ‘What Do I Call You’ that I am thinking, ‘Egad and Mein Gott this is about confirmation of religious identity,’ and how in the future people will value (non-productive or what psychoanalysts might call ‘aim-inhibited’) interactions or presence. That is why my friend’s internet-friend is in ‘Obama’s dream’ with some kind of caffeinated cold beverage - why I think about ‘You Love Me’ as a kind of ‘Min Jin Lee chapter title’ where it is like, oh you love me. Cagey people, holding their cards, saying stuff lke John Green novels where they seem not sure if they are talking about love, living a story, experience, realization. I respect John Green, and wondered for a time why my YAL ‘Reading Interests of Adolescents’ professor didn’t like him till I figured out that ‘Alaska’ is kind of like ‘let’s consume women + let’s be degen adventurers’ and ‘Fault in Stars’ appears to posit r/Romantic couple-love as well as teens teaching other teens as some valid defiance of the world. My old classmates liked to ‘Braveheart’ in the backyard talking about fighting; I remember the execution-scene and how the French princess is like, ‘your son is le cuckold! - Franco-Scottish blood will prevail!’ (A decade or more later the notorious album Exodus 2004 said, ‘Can you and I start mixing gene-pools / Eastern Western people get naughty multilingual’ The sex-as-defiance trope is ubiquitous ‘Three Days of Condor.’ ‘The Terminator’ (’Terminator 1′) I guess is more high-minded and less ‘70-s-self-involved or stuck in its own time than ‘Condor’ in that the child actually does save the world later on or at least get rid of some machines.

I now wish that I had spent less time trying to be normal or looking at the other couples at RU and more time working on ‘2003′ as I felt like I understood more what would happen when two people set out to ‘create’ or ‘own’ their own existence / life in a time where identity and personal interests were under attack or being overdetermined or driven or appropriated or conscripted by governmental and social developments such as the Iraq War whereby I felt all the worthwhile women were just looking for men at arms and the rest were ‘sub-culture; the anime club.’ I hesitated between two spheres as I felt that one had obvious impact, the other authenticity.

I believed in ‘soft sci f’ for a long time and pared down my ambitions over time by diluting them with ‘Updikeana’ as I call it or ‘Austeneana’ or any kind of pathos or sympathy or showing of characters’ weakness or lack of virtue. IDK if ought to publish this but 2016 I decided to delete everything and was onl left with ‘To Have Everything’ ad one other thing; THE was about nuclear terrorism and divorce basically. I guess was already partaking of frankly the pleasures of evil - t’d be great if our dreams didn’t come true and instead many people died and our love-systems failed due to our greed or impatience or mismanagement or engaging targets of opportunity. I again was writing ‘naively’ and didn’t know what I meant or why, was only concerned with the one and beauty and whatever ‘resonance’ it had with my own feelings or soul; I was interested in the way that people grow apart not only through physical distance at times but through divergent interests or at least that I could tell at the time, though, in retrospect I feel as if everyone were feeling or believing the same fundamental things and even understood that there would be a pandemic.

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