#oh my gosh okay how do i phrase this bluntly

[kae-karo]

I don't know how to phrase this because it's really weird but last night my first ever boyfriend started sexting me and I started to get really uncomfortable and I live him SO MUCH I don't know why I felt so... disgusted idk I was squirming in the "I hate this I hate this" way. I always enjoy talking to him but when he started talking about sex in those texts I got so uncomfortable I wanted to cry I never want any of that. I told him we shouldn't talk about that anymore because I'm scared (1/2)

(2/2) i am so sorry the last part deleted I'm the sexting bf anon. It's just that... Lately I have been so uncomfortable when he mentions sex and he thinks I'm not interested in progressing our relationship even tho I love him so so so much but I just...I can't picture myself with having sex and not wanting to immediately go take a bath to somehow cleanse my mind of the image. I'm so confused. I want us to work out but I don't know what to do when he thinks I don't want us to progress.

hi dear! oh my gosh, no need to apologize at all! i really wanted to respond to this cause this is similar to something i personally experienced and i don’t want you to feel like the way you’re feeling is bad or unusual

first and foremost, there is nothing at all wrong with not wanting to have sex. that doesn’t dictate ‘progressing’ your relationship, and not having sex doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t progressing. i know the media and society and everything presents it as like. there’s a specific series of steps physically that you have to follow in order to have like. A Relationship. but it’s not true by any means. every human is totally unique and will have totally unique relationships with other totally unique humans - trying to fit every relationship into a box is the surefire way to make you or your partner extremely uncomfortable and unhappy in the relationship

now, second and perhaps even more important: your comfort is the most important thing. if you are uncomfortable with something, say so. if your partner isn’t accepting of that, to put it very bluntly, they are not someone you should be with. i’m aware that sounds harsh when you care deeply about someone, but if you’re sacrificing your comfort to make them happy, you are not being true to yourself and you are hurting yourself. i’m not saying this lightly, i very genuinely understand what it feels like to try to put your own comfort aside for the sake of making someone else happy, and it’s a really really awful and damaging thing. i did it a lot during my teen/late teen years to make the guy i was with happy, and it ended up really hurting me throughout the course of our relationship 

and here’s maybe the hardest thing to accept: it’s okay if things don’t work out between you two. your purpose in life is not to make someone else happy at the expense of your own happiness and comfort. he will not be the only person who ever loves you, and he will not be the only person you’re capable of loving. there is nothing wrong with the way you feel, and there is nothing wrong with not liking the idea of sex

now, i know if someone told me all that when i was younger, i would’ve laughed and said things would work out even at the expense of my happiness cause i loved him and that’s all that mattered. it took me a very long time to understand that my own happiness is more important than changing myself to make someone else happy - what i didn’t realize at the time was that i wasn’t even making him happy? i thought i was, and that forcing myself to be a certain way was enough, but in the end, it ended up hurting both of us a lot more than it would’ve if i’d been honest with him and myself from the start

anyway, what i’m saying is that there is nothing wrong with the way you feel about sex, and that, if i were in your shoes, i would be honest about it with him because you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel safe and comfortable and supported, not one where you feel like you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to make someone else happy - communication is key. i would also say that it’s okay if things don’t work out, and that you can still find happiness in your life that doesn’t involve being in a relationship with him, and that it’s not a bad thing to make changes to your life that allow you to be happier. please know that you are an incredible human and you are wonderful exactly as you are, and there will be so many people who love you (romantically, platonically, etc) for exactly who you are, with no caveats. let those people into your life and do not tolerate the people who try to force you into a mold that you doesn’t fit you

[glowwormsmith]

FC5 Week-Day 5

In which Layla notices an eyesore and gets some interesting history about her new community...

Warnings: implied violence, nothing of note

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“Huh...” was all Layla could really say as she leaned against the doorway and looked out towards the mountains. When she had first arrived, under a cloud of family tragedy and the combined anxieties and hopes of moving, she had only taken in a small part of the natural beauty of Hope County. Being a native Montanan and having taken many trips into the wilderness also desensitized Layla to her surroundings, so it was only on her third day after moving in with her sister and nieces that she noticed the sign.

 “Hi, Aunt Layla! Whatcha’ lookin’ at?”

 Layla turned to smile at her nieces, Hazel and Fern coming towards her. She was happy to see Hazel walking about, her injured arm in a sling, but both girls looking clear-eyed and bright even after the recent badness. Hazel had been the one to address her, her younger sister looking at Layla with a curious glance and head tilted in wonder.

 “Oh, well, that. You guys know what that eyesore is all about?” Layla asked, jabbing her thumb outwards and looking back at it with a skeptical look.

 She saw Hazel and Fern’s looks turn into disgust, Hazel’s eyes rolling so far into skull Layla was afraid they would be lost while Fern sighed.

 “Ah, well, it’s a giant “YES” sign, for one thing...” Fern said. Hazel then interrupted bluntly, “Aunt Layla’s not stupid, Fern, she can read.”

 “It’s okay, Hazel, it’s good to see that it is a “YES” sign. What’s it for?”

 The girls looked at each other before Fern said, “Mom said it’s Mr. Seed’s type of preaching. The Power of Yes. It’s for the purpose of gathering new followers.”

“It’s sooo stupid! Like, he takes motivational speaking way too far!” Hazel added. “He even has dumb billboards all over the county. Nice way to show you have money to throw around when you’re not busy being a greedy lawyer, a-hole!”

 “Whoa, whoa, now I don’t have to unpack all of that, kiddos! Who’s “Mr. Seed” and why is he going around talking about “yes” so enthusiastically?” Layla said. “That doesn’t even sound like a real name, why am I only learning of this now?!”

Fern cleared her throat and Hazel fell quiet, though she gave an eye-roll at Fern’s excitement to explain. “Well, his name is John Seed. He’s part of these group called Eden’s Gate—they’re like Pastor Jerome’s church, but they follow their own doctrine, one that Mom thinks is not God’s true voice—and they’ve been here for a while. Mom tells us they’ve been here since I was maybe five, or six. They’ve really grown bigger and louder really recently, but John’s the loudest. Did you see the boards with his face on it while you were driving here?”

“I didn’t really notice. Was too busy worrying about Clover barfing in the car and having Grandma and Gramps micro-managing the move,” Layla said, a warm smile as she saw the girls chuckle. Always good to see them happy. If that poor excuse for a father was still alive, I’d kill him myself for ever hurting them.

“Well, we’ll point some of them out to you next time we’re on a drive,” Hazel said. “There’s some with weird symbols and phrases, but most here in the valley has John’s dumb smug face on it, talkin’ about how “we’ll love you and we’ll take you.” Good to know creeps are advertising their plans to kidnap people.”

“Anyways,” Fern said, her voice rising over Hazel’s, “John Seed is the “face” I guess you could say of this Project. His brother, Joseph, is the leader, but John handles all the finances. He’s kinda handsome.” Fern blushed a bit and rubbed the back of her head with a small giggle. “He’s also wealthy, too. If it wasn’t for Mom saying Eden’s Gate was bad, I’d say he’s like a prince.”

Hazel made a gag noise, but didn’t say anything. Layla said as her brows furrowed, “Your mom never talked about these crazies before, and she knows how much I love ragging on crazies like this. Why does she think they’re bad?”

The girls went quiet, with Fern shifting in her chair and looking away while Hazel bit her lip and narrowed her eyes. Hazel then spoke up.

“We always went to Pastor Jerome’s church, but it changed when Da-that bastard started going to the Seed’s services and talkin’ about how—how great they were, and how “The Collapse” was real, that Joseph was the only righteous voice.” Layla noticed how Hazel’s good hand clenched and unclenched at her side. The girl then spoke loudly, startling the two, “They’re crazy! They’re not good Christians like Pastor Jerome or Mom! Mom became frightened at even the drop of  their name when she got pregnant with Todd, and you know she’s not scared of nothin’! That bastard wasn’t the nicest, but he became downright looney and obsessed with Eden’s Gate, even ready to sell our home to John. And I hear things in town. About John buyin’ up properties, weapons being brought in, weird shit goin’ on in the Whitetails and to the east, people disappearing when they make Eden’s Gate mad. They even have a statute of that lyin’ prophet of theirs nearly complete out in the Henbane!”

“Wha—? A statue?! That can’t be legal!” Layla sputtered. What had I gotten into by moving here...and what has Tess not been telling me?

“They can pretty much get away with anything these days. Poor Mayor Minkler is cowed by these people and Sheriff Whitehorse has been overwhelmed by people quitting or...“leaving,” one might say,” Fern said. She then shivered. “Some of the members came to one of Pastor Jerome’s services. They stood outside and shouted how Jerome was a false shepherd, that the Collapse was coming, and the Father was the only path to salvation. Dad and a few others walked out to join them...Mom was very upset with him after that.”

“Don’t call him “dad,” Fern!” Hazel snapped, but softened up. “He wasn’t our “dad” for a long time, and he sure ain’t now after what he did. The fight, y’know, the one where he...he shot us and took Todd away and killed himself...it was about Eden’s Gate,” Hazel said, her voice low. The girls looked ready to cry and Hazel wanted to scream. “Eden’s Gate are evil. I just...get bad feelings from them, even if they had nothin’ to do with my family. They’re bad news.”

Layla then came to the girls and hugged them, rubbing their arms and a kind smile on her face. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. These people sound like every doomsday cult I’ve studied, but guess what?”

After a pause with her nieces who looked confused, Layla said with a sly smirk, “Your badass Aunt Layla is going to be a deputy with the Sheriff’s Department, and you know I don’t let any shit slide when it comes to BS, right?”

“Hell yeah!” “Language, Hazel, but you’re right, you are tough, Aunt Layla.”

“So, if John of Joseph, or any other Seed tries to come around and harass you or Tess, I’ll go and kick their loony-tune as—butts, alongside Clover, right Clover?” Layla’s dog lifted her eyes towards the trio, but she didn’t leave the couch as she let out a small gruff. “Darn straight! No one will mess with my family or their friends, so there’s no need to be afraid anymore, okay?”

Weak smiles returned to the girls’ faces as they looked a bit calmer. Layla then stood up and said, “Tell you what? We’ll go see your mom at the hospital, go to whatever favorite restaurant you like, and take some eggs along to hit any Johnny Appleseed billboards we see. Sound fun?”

“Oh my gosh, yes!!” Hazel said. “Fern, you up for it?”

“Yeah. Will you be okay?” Fern asked. Hazel let out a small huff and flicked her good hand.

“Pfft, I’m fine! I bet I can throw better with my one hand than you girls!”

“Oh, we’ll see about that, young lady!” Layla scoffed as the girls laughed and went to prepare. Before she walked off, Layla gave one last glance at the large white “YES” sign. Unease settled into her stomach, but she shoved the bad thoughts away for happier times with her nieces, to keep things good after all that’s happened to them.

She did allow one snide thought: I wish I had a grenade launcher to shoot that shit down. That would be awesome.