#oh yeah and the dark blob in the corner is a glimpse at his true form

[cookinary]

Buddy doodles cuz he's been on my mind lately

[bisectionalbisexual]

Born to Hate, Made to Love

(Human AU)

Word count: 2,163

Pairings: Royality

TW: Angst, self-deprecating thoughts, body issues, food mention. (Let me know if I should add any!) 

Summary: Patton is a plus sized man who likes to dress more on the feminine side. He’s always been fascinated with cute sweaters and pastel colors, so when his new boyfriend Roman wants to take him clothes shopping, you’d think he’d be excited, right? Sadly that isn’t the case a Patton tries to cope with his body issues while struggling to keep it together in front of his newly found love.

~~~

“Be ready at five, K? We’ll grab dinner from the Food Court then go shopping!” Roman’s voice sang happily from Patton’s cell phone.

While Roman was excited, Patton was nervously fiddling with the hem of his old worn out shirt.

“Um, yeah,” he tried to match his boyfriend's enthusiasm, “yeah I’ll be ready. See you then.”

Patton hung up and shoved his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants, sighing as he sat on his couch. He had no idea how this evening was going to turn out, but all he could feel was his stomach twisting into knots at the thought of trying on his eccentric choices of clothing in front of his boyfriend Roman.

They had been dating for almost three months now, but every time Patton was with him it felt like their very first date. He was in constant fear of how Roman would react if he wore something that showed off his true silhouette, so instead, he opted for wearing baggy hoodies and loose pants whenever he saw his boyfriend. He couldn't risk Roman becoming disgusted once he saw Patton's body, grimacing when they hugged or even refusing to be near him.

In every relationship Patton has been in, he’s always been afraid that every single one of them has only settled for his body, never loved him for how he was.

“He has a great personality!”

“He’s not that big…”

“He’ll break you with how fat he is.”

Oh god, it was all too much, why was just a simple shopping date making him so worked up? 

“Maybe I should just cancel,” he thought out loud reaching for his phone.

Just as he opened his messages a text popped up from Roman.

‘Don’t forget your favorite headband! We’ll find something to match ;) <3’

Patton couldn’t help but smile after reading the light-hearted message. After a moment of thought, he felt the confidence he needed to go through with this date. With a tiny squeal of excitement, he hopped up from his couch to get dressed.

His wardrobe wasn’t as extensive as most people, but a few years back he was lucky enough to find some nice outfits to save for special occasions. This time Patton decided on some plain khakis and a teal sweatshirt with sparkly pink lettering saying “I believe in Mermaids” with a seashell border around the message. He ruffled his caramel curls a bit before sticking in a pink headband that had cat ears covered in glitter.

Patton smiled to himself in the mirror and gave a twirl, and just as he was feeling good about himself he heard knocking at his door.

“Must be five!” He exclaimed to himself as he ran to answer it, and there he was.

Roman, sweet handsome Roman stood in the doorway shamelessly wearing blue skinny jeans and a white tank top that delicately hugged his chiseled figure from under his red letterman jacket.

How was it that Patton got a man almost the complete opposite of him?

“Ready to go, Pattie Cake?” Roman greeted with a charming smile, extending his hand for Patton.

Patton gladly held onto his hand as he was led out of the apartment building with the biggest smile plastered on his face.

~~~

The drive to the mall was mostly silent as they both listened to the music booming from Roman’s sound system. Patton sat back comfortably watching out the window, that was until he got a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Suddenly, his posture straightened, sitting up with his head tilted slightly to try and get rid of his double chin. He felt the back of his neck heat up as he began worrying about every tiny detail of himself. At least he was until Roman rested his hand on Patton’s thigh.

“You excited?” He asked, keeping his eyes on the road as he drove.

Patton smiled to him and adjusted his glasses, “of course! I’m with you, Silly.”

“Aw,” Roman blushed, “you’re too sweet.” For a moment Roman took his focus away from driving so he could lean over giving Patton a quick peck on the cheek before turning his attention back to the road.

Patton giggled softly touching his flushed face with his sleeve, every bit of fear melting away with Roman’s simple little acts of affection.

~~~

Before the two of them knew it, they were at the mall wandering around the food court.

“What do you want, babe?” Roman asked pulling Patton closer to intertwine their fingers.

“I um- I’m not sure,” Patton chuckled breathlessly, “you pick.”

“Nope, your day, your choice,” Roman stated simply with a small shrug making Patton roll his eyes.

He had no idea what to pick, there were some food places that were exclusive to the Food Court, but then again there were some of Patton’s favorite shops there too. He hated being put on the spot like this, why did Roman have to be such a gentleman?!

“Hmm, are you okay with Subway?”

“Whatever you want,” Roman winked and pulled Patton into the line of people.

They ordered their food and sat down together once it was ready, each of them taking time to eat a little before sparking up a conversation.

“So…” Patton began, “where would you like to shop?”

Roman pondered the question for a moment as he took a sip of his Sprite.

“Hmm, well, I was thinking about Hot Topic. Looking past all the edgy stuff, I think there are some cute things in there you would like.”

Patton nodded with a small smile and once they were finished with their food Roman dragged Patton along by his hand.

They entered the store to be met with an intimidating but friendly enough worker folding shirts at the check-out counter. His plum colored bangs falling in his face on occasion, but he paused seeing the two enter and brushed them away.

“Hi there, how may I-” He was going to continue his regular “customer service” monologue, that was until he recognized the pair, “Roman? Pat?”

“Woah, Virgil?” Roman gasped and rushed up to the worker, “you work here?”

Virgil shrugged lightly and continued to fold shirts, “just my summer job for now. What can I do for you guys?”

“Well, Roman decided to take me clothes shopping today,” Patton said while he turned his head to look around the store.

Virgil inspected Patton, ultimately making him tense under his gaze as he worried the look was judgemental. Instead, Virgil nodded and pointed to the display in the corner of the store.

“To avoid all the angst, cute stuff is in the back.”

This made Patton giggle, “thanks, Virge.”

“No prob, Bob.”

“... It’s Patton.”

They all chuckled and Roman gave a wave as he led Patton to the colorful display. There were clothes, jewelry, headbands, and other such artifacts ranging from colorful Disney Princesses to dark DC Comics characters. It was obvious that Patton looked to the more light-hearted of the items, flipping through bracelets and necklaces that would catch his interest. 

Roman, however, was going through shirts that he thought Patton might like, and after a couple of minutes, he slapped a stack of different clothes into Patton’s arms.

“Here, go try these on.”

Before Patton could interject he was shoved over towards the dressing room and nearly placed inside while Roman waited outside the door.

Patton went through the clothes finding all of them quite cute, so he picked out his favorites and started trying them on.

First was a Lilo & Stitch tie-dye muscle top, Patton thought it was adorable with the happy Stitch image on top of the blue and white tie-dye with the stripe of purple. But when he tried it on he didn’t quite like what he saw in the mirror. Surprisingly enough, the tank had fit fine, he just didn’t like looking at his arms. All he saw were two ugly, pale blobs pressed against his torso, his pudge making them almost look disfigured as he relaxed his shoulders. The image made him grimace and he quickly pulled off the shirt.

Luckily there weren't any more tank tops, but the graphic tees in the pile brought up a whole new set of problems.

There was one shirt that hugged his tummy a little too tight, another one felt like the sleeves were squeezing his arms making him fear that he would rip the hem. He tried on a plain pastel pink knit sweater, but that one was much too short, barely pulling down past his stomach. Next was a blue t-shirt with a sketch if the lovely princess Cinderella, it was long enough to cover his bottom, but it was lying in such a way that made his love-handles stand out much to his dismay.

The rest of the shirts were a similar story, and by the time Patton was finished, there was a tight ache in his chest and tears stinging his eyes.

“How’s it going in there? I wanna see you.”

Roman’s sweet voice chimed in from behind the door but Patton couldn’t take it, all he wanted to do was go home. He wanted to go home and just bawl his eyes out. Patton was such a kind soul, he tried to see the bright side of things but when it came to his body he just couldn’t, he hated feeling this way.

The dressing room door creaked open and Roman was met with a sad sight. Patton’s arms her crossed against his stomach hugging himself as he held his head down, notably wearing the same outfit he came in with.

“Hey, what’s up?” Roman asked concerned, “you didn't like any of them?”

Patton shook his head and spoke softly, “I just wanna go home…”

“Home? But we haven’t even bought anything!”

Roman was confused, hurt to see his boyfriend in such a state as Patton walked passed him. Virgil noticed this and came over.

“Is something wrong?”

Patton sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve, “nothing fit, okay?! Nothing ever fits…”

A small whimper left his lips and he just couldn’t take it anymore. Roman tried to go after him only for Virgil to hold him back.

“Hold on, hold on, just give him a minute.”

~~~

Patton ran to Roman’s car and jumped inside, tearing his cute headband off and pulling his sweatshirt off over his head leaving him in a plain blue t-shirt. He promptly shoved his face into the sweater and let the tears flow as he sat under the hot summer sun.

Very little time passed before Roman came to the driver's side and opened the door, his heart aching to see Patton in such a state.

“Pattie Cake?” He asked gently as he got in the car, “it’s okay, I’m sure we’ll find something that works.”

“You don’t understand,” Patton cried, “I’ve never had a good shopping experience, Ro, never! I’m so sorry I let you drag me to this awful place…”

“Hey, I thought you liked the mall.”

“Sure, when I’m just getting things and not receiving those judgemental looks. Clothes shopping is different. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, darling, just talk to me.”

Roman reached out and placed a hand on Patton’s shoulder prompting his rant.

“I don’t know why you like me… I’m gross and ugly. If you saw my body I’m sure you’d feel the very same. Hate is such a strong word… But I hate myself! No matter how hard I try to look at it, all I’m going to ever be is this disgusting blob! I’m never able to find anything I like, I can only see if it fits, and if it fits then I wear it,” Patton just kept getting more and more worked up, causing him to pause and take a deep breath, finally looking over to Roman. “I wanna express myself, so I wear makeup and pretty headbands, but my clothing?” He shook his head. “I loved those shirts you picked out but… I’m sorry I’m just too fat to wear them.

Fat. The word hissed from his lips, sounding like poison. This one word caused Patton so much pain but he shows no hesitation when referring to himself as such.

“Patton, darling, why are you so hard on yourself?” Roman rested his hand on his cheek wiping away his tears, “gross? Ugly? Never!” He wrapped his arms around Patton and hugged him tightly. 

Patton was tempted to hug back, but he just felt so numb after his fit of emotions.

Roman sighed and turned his head to kiss Patton’s cheek, “my dear you are handsome, gorgeous, beautiful, absolutely magnificent! Whatever you prefer!” He pulled away and lifted Patton’s chin ever so slightly, “I love you… I love you just as you are, and you should too.”

Patton pouted trying to avoid his gaze, “doesn’t change the fact that I don’t…”

“Then,” Roman began, “you can take the steps to change that, and I’ll support you every step of the way.”

He put on a comforting smile then perked up remembering the trip to Hot Topic prior, “until then, Virgil wasn’t gonna let me leave unless I bought something, so here.” Roman pulled out a gift card and handed it to Patton, “he told me that they provide more sizes on the online store, you can get whatever you like.”

It was then Patton wiped away his tears and smiled, looking down at the gift card then to his loving boyfriend, “Thank you, Roman, so so much.”

He leaned forward and gave Roman a quick kiss before sitting back in his seat, “it means a lot.”

“I say,” Roman started up the car and put his seatbelt on, “we go get Starbucks and head back to your place. Then- only if you’d like to- you can come to the gym with me and Logan tomorrow.”

Patton listened to Roman’s plan as he clicked on his seatbelt then reached to hold his hand once he began driving.

“I think I’d like that.”

~~~

A/N: UUUUGGGGHHH I actually teared up writing this, because Patton is me, plain and simple. These are actual things I've said to myself or have been said to me. This single lady doesn't necessarily have a Roman but I do have a support system and I'm glad to say that no matter what, Big is Beautiful. Until next time, Lovies ;)