#on account of the depression and yknow. Current Events

[maareyas]

2023 Art Recap

Didn't do as much stuff this year compared to 2022, but I feel like I tried out a bunch of new things! Here's some of the ones I like the most, or that I felt helped improve some skills I was trying to work on ✨

[magicalcrwn]

update!

also hi, i’m alive! i have something to say so let me get this out, okay? maybe this’ll address my inactivity.

first off, i gotta put down this warnings so here we go

tw // mental health issues, depression, mentions of suicide

as you may know, i started this blog around this time and i believe this blog’s 2 year anniversary is coming up soon. i was super into kpop, specifically bangtan, but now i’m just… eh. i still listen to it, i’m not into it as much lately.

since posting “lost, then found” last year, my health just went COMPLETELY down. i was a junior when i posted that and my god, i wasn’t used to being online full time at school and THAT absolutely obliterated any will to live or keep going in me for like the majority of the school year. heck, the pandemic even made me do worse at school. i failed half of my classes and now i’m doing credit recovery classes this year as a senior so i can graduate :/

luckily, i was able to see a therapist around january-february which helped a lot. i believe hybrid learning started around february or march at that time too which also sort of helped even though it was, yknow, hybrid. i was able to somewhat get back onto my feet even though i lacked lots of motivation. HOWEVER i still didnt have the will to write or do anything i love throughout the year.

as i’m writing this, i’m currently in my last year of high school and as mentioned before, i’m trying my best to get my credits in on time to graduate. i had to stop seeing my therapist last month when school started due to scheduling BUT i’ve been doing well compared to last year. i’m back on campus full-time (with mask mandate, thank GOD) and i’m finally able to pull myself back to where i was or better than where i was before the pandemic.

i’m slowly getting back into writing, just step by step. right now, i’ve been starting off with roleplaying on discord and twitter and that’s been helping me get back on my feet. and i also opened an anime/video game blog called @crystillyzed ! rn there’s only one post and its a tears of themis hc post, i’m trying to finish my drafts in there like two of them are 80% done. OH SPEAKING OF ANIME/VIDEO GAMES

during the past year, i’ve started getting back into anime and playing more video games. i used to be super into them before being introduced to kpop. my brother introduced me to jujutsu kaisen a month or two after s1 ended and that got me back into anime. in fact! my current twitter rp account is a jjk oc!! i might bring my oc onto tumblr but i havent checked the community here. as of video games, i’ve been playing final fantasy xiv a lot with both of my brothers. and my bf, THATS RIGHT BF IM DATING A HIMBO AND I LVOE HE, introduced me to genshin impact!! i started playing genshin around the start of last month and i’m already in inazuma at ar 36. i’ll prob start writing for genshin on the other blog.

while i’m no longer into kpop as much anymore, i still love bts and txt even though at this point i’m just someone streaming their releases. yeah, i’m super behind on btxt content. i still wanna continue writing on this blog, but i may rebrand and just write whatever or whenever i feel like writing. this is still a hobby and one i enjoy a lot.

this is a super hefty update post but if you read all the way to the end, thank you for sticking around AND ALSO! I HIT 200 FOLLOWERS??? WHAT. THANK YOU OMG I WANTED TO DO A FOLLOWER EVENT BUT MAN CONSIDERING HOW DEAD I’VE BEEN ON HERE, I’LL HAVE TO SAVE IT FOR LATER.

ANYWAY this has been lucy!! ily all!!!! 💖💖

[heyitslapis]

Ok let's see... its been about 3 weeks since i posted last, give or take a few days. And I'll just say its been an interesting and exhausting few weeks.

Still trying to completely get over my dumbf*ck feelings for Alex. I'm not really doing a super great job at that, and still get random depressive moments that last a varying amount of time, but usually i just push my pity party to the side after about 2 minutes.

On the 3rd of June, Alex went up to see part of her family and join them on a cruise to Columbia. She said wont be back until maybe the 3rd or 4th of July at the earliest. I kinda miss her, but I feel like spending a month physically apart from her will do me some good. Her and i still snap back and fourth to save our streak and to day good morning. Whenever she cant find wifi, she turns on her dad's personal hotspot so she can send me at least one snap to keep our streak rolling (we are the longest streak we have with anyone on our snapchats, and it stands currently at 261 days.) The day after she left the streak sorta died for the day, but she was able to save it cause she was in a different time zone.

Since she's been gone, we've hired several new people at work, many if which being new hosts (thank God tbh, cause this means after theyre all done training and get a couple weeks to get used to everything i can train as a server and hopefully make a little more money). One of them is Giovanni's sister (Gio is a guy that works there. Mostly does dish, sometimes hosts.) And apparently she likes me? About a week before she started they came in to eat with their mom and after they left Gio was like "Dude, i think my sister likes you."

Hey, some random girl actually has a crush on me for the first time in my life? That's cool! Right? It would be, if she weren't 17. If i were still 18 or 19, i wouldnt really care. But now that im 20, even though we only have a 2 year and almost 6 month age difference, i still feel like its weird. I feel like im in a whole new age threshold now that ive hit that 2 decade mark, and she just seems to me like a kid. Anyway, Sammy (thats her) is bi with a preference for girls. She's very forward about asking the girls at work about their sexuality (she'll be mid convo and just be like "wait; you straight?") She makes a hobby of flirting with the straight girls, because as she says it, she can easily flirt with straight girls bc she knows she wont have a chance. As soon as she knows theyre bi or gay, she cant even really talk to them. Sammy flirts with me in excess, has asked me 3 times if im straight, or if im sure that i am (homegirl has only been here like two weeks), and the reason why is because she would happily let me break her heart, and has said thats its too bad im not gay bc if i was she would let me crush her. Also has told me that i remind her of her ex girlfriend, and when i said idk if thats supposed to be a compliment or not, she said "well i really liked her, so..." Oh and btw all 3 times shes asked, I've told her im straight (yknow, bc im not out to the irl general public) and I'll just say that having to lie outloud about my sexuality does not feel that great. Thats not something ive ever had to verbally do before, and now i understand. Tbh i dont really lie, or at least i very rarely do, bc i dont like it, and i want to be seen as trustworthy. i have told my share of lies in my day, but i feel like that was in the top 3 worst lies ive ever told. Simply because i know thats not who i am, yet im saying it anyway.

Besides that, in these last couple weeks ive:

Gotten my computer hacked and almost got scamed out of the piddly $120 dollars total that is in my bank account for me to try to live off of until next Fridays paycheck, and almost got my brother's bank account hacked (looong f*ckin story. Short version, im a gotdang fool, and people are absolute bastards), so now i cant use my computer until i get it looked at, which means no art (sucks bc i wanted to draw myself a bi pride icon)

Put in 103 hours at work in the last 2 weeks

Had our only available car break down twice

Got about half of our kitchen painted. Still need to find time to finish it

Purchased tickets for a convention, and bought almost everything i need to finish my cosplay.

Have a sore in the back of my mouth thats been plaguing me for over a week (finally starting to heal. Its been hurting to do so much as talk, much less eat or drink)

Had to deal with everyone's attitudes at work (some sh*ts going on with the moon and everyones been a pissy ass lately, and im so over it)

The pain in the ass girl at work that we've been trying to get rid of for over a year called in and quit 15 minutes before her literal last shift (Father's day) and our proprietary manager told her "its bullshit that you just found out that your other job scheduled you to work today 15 minutes before you had to come here" and "dont try to come back to this store again". Im ecstatic about it tbqh and feel a small sense of victory about the whole thing.

One of my favorite gays from work had his last shift Saturday night and im still sad about it.

It may not seem like much but its just all around every other day something else small happened to add to the weird and crazy smorgasbord that is my life.

Also bless Sammy bc yesterday was Father's Day, and because of that, i was in the building of my work at 9:45am, started working to get set up at 10, opened around 10:50, and didnt stop until about 8:50pm, 10 minutes before we closed. Our proprietary manager bought us tons of pizza and snacks in the middle of our shift so that we could all take turns having a 10 minute breather, but other than that it was non-stop work and dedication to the customer. At 9:50am my brother went to the Duncan Donuts down the road from us to get the handful of morning people either coffee or bagels or whatever they asked for. I told my brother to get me the english muffin with egg and cheese, and if they had the option, to add sausage to it. Also to tell Sammy i said hi (because she works at that Duncan also, and was there yesterday morning). My brother comes back with breakfast, hands me my food and said that Sammy made it especially for me. (At that time i was also in a bad mood bc i was tired from working four open doubles in a row, and was stressed, so that really lifted my spirits a bit. The food, and the thought that someone made it especially for me.) And i'll just say she just earned my love for the next week at least.

Anyway i think thats all for now loves. I dont have a very eventful life, but i sure do have a busy one.

[justalittlemango]

Putting things into perspective.

So.. obviously.. this feels like the worst I’ve felt in a long time or maybe ever. Or, I’m just dissociating like crazy and things feel really wack, but maybe I’ve been through wacker things? I’m not sure. I guess that’s the point of this post to put my thoughts into perspective and compare to past experiences. And with some hope it may make me feel a little more positive about what’s going on right now..

Well, I guess the present moment. Why do I feel wack? I mean, I feel lonely. Even though I’m not, I’m friends with and speaking to quite a few people. Probably the most I’ve ever actually spoken to at any point in my life. So not lonely in terms of friendships, I guess it’s the “love” type of loneliness. Because my boyfriend has gone. I don’t know where. He’s been gone for a while. And it’s affecting me like crazy. Most of this stress and anxiety is being triggered by the thought of him. It all happened quite quickly, a couple months ago he was so clingy and sweet and I’d be the same back. A month after, that all changed completely. It was like the boy I fell in love with had gone. I do blame the meds, but I also blame his lack of accountability. And unfortunately, there were a couple of fallouts, both of us ending up getting hurt. I apologised but got nothing. Nothing at all. Just...ghosted. He came back temporarily for a day or so, but left again. It’s quite wack when someone you felt a new level of love for just disappears.

So yeah.. that’s rough. I’m constantly thinking what he could be doing, how he feels about me and all that. Constantly those thoughts dominate my mind. To the point where it’s disrupted my sleep majorly. I keep stressing in my sleep. Insomnia became a nightly occurrence until I was able to retake control of it more recently. However I’m still waking up in the middle of the night, having distressing dreams, sleep paralysis and all that.. I’m going to assume that’s due to all the stress I’m experiencing. My body doesn’t feel too great either so it’s kind of triggering my health anxiety.

This may also be a part of my seasonal depression because I fucking hate the winter and early dark nights. Feels so depressing. I feel quite isolated. So yes, all those issues in one combination isn’t too great. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a house key here so I can’t really go out early in the day. So I’m stuck inside until it’s night. Oh well, not much I can do anyway.. it is a national lockdown again.. and this lockdown has been the roughest one yet. 10x worse than the one last year. Everything seems so bleak on that front but seems like there may be light at the end of the tunnel soon... I hope.

I think there are some similarities with major negative events I’ve had in the past, such as my first love, when I went to uni in 2016 and whatnot. I mean, the predominant feeling here is loneliness, overthinking and stress. Loneliness always has made me feel ultra shitty in comparison to other things. I hate that I feel lonely since I have so many people to speak to, a lot of friends now.. but it still feels lonely.

So. What’s positive right now? Well.. positive news is that this pandemic seems to be coming to an end (at least here) in a few months. I hope. Positive is that my parents are alive and healthy. I’m currently with my parents right now and I don’t have to worry about money, I don’t have to worry about going grocery shopping or anything like that. I myself, I think, am physically healthy too. My health anxiety tells me otherwise, but I’m trying to just believe it when I feel it yknow? I have friends too that are supporting me. I have a lot of stuff that I would’ve only dreamt of as a kid.. like.. all this technology and a big TV, the only important things to me when I was younger lol.

Money is usually a big stress causer for me, but now I am financially stable and should be good for a while as long as I don’t spend like an idiot. So there’s no need to stress over that at least.

So if I compare this moment to times in the past, maybe I can start being more happy and grateful for what I got right now.

Lets rewind to when I was working as a baker. Having to take a 30 minute train and then a 15 minute bus to the supermarket I worked at. Working those horrid weekend shifts. Having to pick up other people’s pieces because they wouldn’t work as hard as I did. I didn’t like the job mostly because colleagues were lazy and the distance I worked. In all fairness, I hated living in that town. There was nothing to do. It felt trashy and grimey. I hated living there when I decided to move there. I was in a relationship that didn’t feel like it was really working out, but held on anyway. It never did get better really. So.. things in reality weren’t better. It felt nice to get a paycheck. But I remember the stress of public transport, the mixed shifts, not knowing what I’m coming into.. et cetera. So things weren’t as good back then.

Fast forward to summer 2018. I mean, I won’t bother here, summer 2018 was one of the most fun time periods I had. Even winter 2018 was fun despite getting robbed. But it was fun going to Coventry a lot, all the bars/gay clubs around there. Going to Pride. Winning free tickets to Comic Con. Integrating with the Splat community on Twitter, feeling so welcomed and happy. It was the best I had felt for a long time.

Summer 2019. Things got dull! Surprise surprise. Health anxiety was still a new concept to me, so when I did have panic attacks, I would go to A&E. I remember those experiences and how awful it felt, especially just being told it was anxiety. That was a frequent worry for me back then. Another worry was my depression. I felt stuck. Still hated living in that town. Nothing to do. Bored. Working long hours. Not too great pay. Having to cover my colleague and doing that wack warehouse job. Having to deal with annoying customers. The stress of all that would be so bad. I remember being sad because I didn’t have enough time in the day to do my hobbies. Arguing with my ex-bf over who’s doing the dishes and cooking etc. I felt like a zombie in that job. Only thing keeping my head up high was my upcoming trip to Canada, quitting my job, moving out and starting university. I didn’t even really have friends at all back then.. I had my one friend, Drop. I didn’t have anybody else necessarily... imagine that now.. though that has happened at points in 2020 too. So yeah, summer 2019 was arguably worse. Mostly with the situation I was in. Dead end job. Stressed. No time. Hated that town. Lonely.

A bit further back.. September 2016 to Early 2017. This was shit. I hated uni. I didn’t get on with my flatmates. My anxiety held me back so much. I felt like such a mess. I was drinking almost everyday to cope. I blew so much of my money. I didn’t go to any lectures. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t attending. Not making friends either. Just in my room doing jack shit. Relationship didn’t feel great either. So I dropped out a couple months later, found a rather unpleasant message said about me in a group chat, and uh yeah, that made me feel wack XD though.. I can’t blame them, I was isolating myself for legit no reason. I also received lovely news that I had a debt needing to be paid off since I dropped out, and it was one I had to pay instantly. I had no choice but to sign on at the job centre and claim jobseeking welfare. It didn’t go well. I slept over some appointments and got penalised. I then left the jobcentre and extended my overdraft to help cover time for my debts. I then went to a different jobcentre. Took me a couple months but then I got my baker job. I just need to remember how horrible that was. I felt like such a mess. A no-hoper. I was partying and going out with my welfare money and a bit of my ex’s money lol (with him of course!) so yeah. That was an extemely difficult situation to escape. It felt impossible to find a job that wanted me. I was grateful for the job I got. Until it got shitty.

And now... fast forward to 2020. The last time I was at my parents house was summer 2020. It felt really strange coming back here for Christmas with all that happened over the summer. I broke up with my ex-bf. It felt like a relief weirdly. I fell in love with a lad that I felt so heavily for. It went well until we would fall out. He and I did break up around July 2020, and then I met somebody who comforted me and made me feel good. But that didn’t last, since I didn’t “love” him and he did for me. So I ended that around Sept 2020. And then, when I started uni for a couple months, that was also one of the worst times I had. I felt lonely. Lost a lot of the friends I made this year (almost all.) My ex-bf was bringing his lad over and having fun and that made me feel weird. Dealing with being single was stressful. I was drinking to cope once again. And yeahhhh...

How I feel right now is similar to Sept 2020 feels when I started uni. Just stressed. Overthinking. Lonely. Wanting to drink a lot. But I won’t let myself abuse alcohol like that. I think I’m coping well for how shitty I feel.. I mean not all the time I feel like this.. but a lot of days I do. But.. at least I am getting on with my work. I am attempting to do my workouts and my Spanish stuff, as well as my portfolio stuff too. Also keeping up contact with a lot of friends. Pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Not being scared to VC friends anymore. I have come quite a long way.

I just need to fix my sleep. And to do that, I need to stop thinking about him. My brain is just so confused about him. One time I will love and miss him, other time I won’t care and want to meet other people. And I’m not really sure how to maintain a dominant side, if that makes sense? The side I would like to stick to is just thinking he’s a time-waster, he’s ghosting me to try and remain distant and that I should just move on... I try my hardest to keep that in my head, but despite all that, whenever I see old messages or pictures, my soft sensitive side comes out again. I really don’t know how to tackle it. THe thing is, I need to tackle it otherwise I will continue to be stressed and not be able to sleep like a normal human again (and god knows I was a normal human before... smh)

I want to retain my view that he’s no good for me, that I deserve better etc.. but it’s like, the meds messed him up.. but why wasn’t he open about it with me? Why did he get so distant from him.. why did he react so bad to my concerns.. why can’t he communicate with me? And now why is he ghosting me rather than sorting it out? Does he want it sorting? Is he wanting to move on? So many questions and unfortunately I just don’t know. Maybe I need to just put my foot down here.

Easier said than done, but if I put my foot down and keep telling myself I deserve better. Listen to what Drop says, I do deserve better and that he is not well, and that the boy I fell in love with is no longer around. He’s gone. Instead, there is a dark shadow of his former self that is ghosting me. I gotta keep reminding myself that there will be better people out there for me. People who won’t treat me like this. And that, as much as I feel bad that the meds did this to him, I can’t respect how he treated me. He’s made me feel all this shit. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care to reply to me. He made a rude remark about my anxiety in a public forum. He’s manipulative. Think about it.. he’s there, he could easily message me, it takes 5 seconds, but it’s CLEAR as ICE that he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t care to do it. And that should be enough for me to put my foot down and remember that he is no sweetheart. He’s not the Dylan I fell in love with, period.

I think if I keep telling myself this, I can do it. I just need to remind myself that I deserve better. It’s not normal to be treated like this, and that honestly it’s a good thing this all happened before him and I met. On the plus side, I could do something with that £250 I was saving to go see him.. I gotta stop being sensitive. I am way better than this. I gotta remember what my mom said too. Mom always knows better. I was a fighter with all the problems I had when I was younger. I shouldn’t let this present shit bring me down. I’m way better than this!

I’m too good for that kind of treatment. I know my worth. I know my values. And now I know his. And yet here I am losing fucking sleep and stressing over him! Imagine!! Well, I want February to be different. Jan was shit. Feb I hope to be better. I will not think about him as much. I just got to remember that he has disrespected me and treated me like trash. I am no longer going to feel bad. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility. I don’t care if this sounds harsh, this is truly coming from the heart. I know for a fact I didn’t deserve the backlash I got from him. Yeah.. maybe I’ll try that. I should try to avoid the habits I tend to do.. like checking his Discord... or his twitter.. or his Switch activity and that. Avoid looking at my twitter cover also. I wish at this point I could just remove him from my bio and cover but I don’t want to fully break.. or do I? I mean.. how can I hold a relationship with someone who acts like this? So yeah. I need to treat this like a breakup.. an official breakup. And that he and I broke up a month or so ago when he decided to ditch me. I shouldn’t feel bad.

And remember the positives: my parents are alive and healthy, I’m with them right now! And that I don’t have to worry about money. No money problems! Not having to worry about groceries either. All I gotta do is my uni work. Pace myself. And I can try find time to do my workouts and Spanish at some point soon. We gonna have a good time Kurt. 

[ssoheartbreak]

.

my mum is getting annoyed that I dont want to join in on the streets’ whatsapp quiz and bingo this week, like of course I’m not going to join in on it I’m annoyed as fuck like just yesterday I had to fish out several of my clothes from the fucking bin because she decided they were “done”, she complains all the time that I’m eating her out the house, and a whole load of other shit that you could look through my tags for. Yet she expects me to just be all cool with it now and go back to “normal” like no, that’s not how this works, she’ll yell at me for pointless shit and then the next day or even later that night she’ll be fine and try to act normal and internally I’m just like “yeah no, I’m still annoyed, fuck off and leave me alone, everything isn’t all better just because you cooled off or some shit” 

Nothing ever gets fucking processed in this house, like I haven’t trusted her with my mh ever, and I haven’t trusted her with anything serious since before I was 14, she doesn’t know shit about the stuff I’ve gone through like;

The depression causing me to miss school coupled with the anxiety of returning and having to explain and catch up on work, which turned into her yelling and hitting disciplining me instead of yknow getting me help so that became anger issues when I was 13-14, but then she would stop hitting me when it turned out I could hit back, and yet she didn’t think to get me professional help So she get my uncle a couple houses down to “help” her out but that never worked, so she got my now brother in law to “help” and when it turned out that she took me to his and my sisters house and left me so I would stay there and they would take me to school but I left my shoes in my mums car I decided to walk miles barefooted to go back to my house because that’s so normal and yet she didn’t think to get me professional help

That was when I knew I could never trust her with anything, In my 3rd year of highschool I had 30% attendence. And then I found a coping mechanism in self harm and that rose to 70% in my 4th year, she never knew about it because I would keep my arms hidden all the time and I still do to this day. She just thought I was “behaving” more now. and so she didn’t think to get me professional help.

Then in february 2012 I tried to kill myself, I failed and no one outside of my tumblr knew about it. I couldn’t tell my mum or ask for help because well, I couldn’t trust her and all the yelling and screaming had done nothing to change that over the years.

Ever since then it’s just been self harm for periods of time then stopping and thinking i’m doing better only to get worse and go back to it. My family would make comments on everytime I ate or made food and it got so bad for years that I would “eat my feelings” and I just got fatter and fatter, and now here I am the heaviest I’ve been and I have a fucking eating disorder. But that doesn’t stop my mum from constantly making me feel bad for eating

I got better with my long term girlfriend A, I was happier than normal and depression was less of a constant thing, but my anxiety was still super bad. We got together and it was great, I was in school more, I was happier, I had regular friends. And I had someone/where to escape to when I wanted away from my mum. But my anxiety never lessened and things fell apart and she broke up with me because she thought I was using her as a safety net and didn’t need to try. Now I think she’s dating the dude she kissed at the party we went to just before we broke up, nice. All our friends obviously stuck with her, one was her childhood friend fair, one was my best friend but he was in love with her sucks but understandable, and the others stayed with the group. nice

So now I’m in my 20′s,but in the years before I tried going to college for engineering bc I was pushed into in by my mum, did a year and didn’t wanna continue. So I did a year of computer science, dropped out halfway through but made a connection that became a good friend a couple years later. then I went to electrical engineering which I was forced to do, and I dropped that instantly. A year later, gf breaks up with me, and I’m starting my frist year in accountancy, still depressed, still anxious, still kinda decent weight but now i’m getting fatter and fatter since my teenage motabilism is slowing and I’m becoming an alcoholic to deal, self harm has been on and off, I’ve been threatened with homelessness more times than I can count,

This one is quick, after the split with A I became super alcoholic-y and eventually this girl I used to know from my pokemon days hit me up on twitter we got together for a little over a year, I even spent a month in vegas living with her during the summer, and a few days before new year I broke up with her. There was so much fighting in our relationship and she would emotionally manipulate me, and she’d say things like if we broke up she would never date again and all this other shit.But then my friend got me into playing siege which is how I met my current friend group of 2years now, but early on there was this discord server for all of us who played and met on the game to hang out on, there was a girl I started to like, and I brought a friend into the discord so we could all play together. She and I get super flirty and a couple months go by and we start dating, all is good but about a month goes by and my gf at the time and my current bestfriend plan to roadtrip from texas to arkansas to visit the friend I brought into the server for his birthday for a couple days, fair enough, I can’t visit but I hope they have fun, seems all good until a month later on my birthday a good friend of mine tells me that my gf and the friend I brought into the group fucked while she visited, the other friend knew nothing and was blackout for most of the partying, but it took a month to get to me. So I confront them, she admits it but is more concerned about how I found out. I confront my “friend” and he starts being apologetic until I lay into him for being a shitty friend, then he says that I should’ve expected it since it was long distance, and that he wasn’t the only one she cheated with, so that was a whole fun chapter. oh yeah, I figured she was acting sus when she hung out with guys irl so I developed paranoia for the first time and that shit sucked!!!!

I did 2 years of accountancy and I struggled at the end of the second, depresso and anxiety hit hard and I was missing classes and almost got kicked out, I stayed behind to make up work and finished a few days later than everyone with an A grade. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do a 3rd year, not that I even wanted to I was forced into this, so I tried telling my mum that I was gonna look for work and not do the third year yet, she didn’t like that and threatened to make me homeless or send to down to fucking england to livfe with the dad I text once a year. So I ssigned up to the course and got accepted, I went for a decent amount of time, but then I’d miss days, and it would get hard to catch up, so I missed more, then in december I stopped going and eventually was removed from the course. I pretended I was still going while I would just leave for hours and sit in a car park because I couldn;t take the abuse from her finding out. Eventually she did and it was a shit show, I went on benifits and then the summer I started working as a night porter.

Work was okay for the most part, except when I would set up continental breakfast buffet how the previous manager instructed me but then the morning manager would come in and I would get told off, this happened a few times before I learn to just do it for the person coming in and how they like it. Then I would deal with shitty customers who don’t know I can’t serve them booze or anything, or dealing with drunk customers pissing on the chair in the reception, or dealing with customer who get aggro when I can’t help them. Then I went on a fire safety course that taught me almost nothing about proper procedure and order of events that I should follow. Then one morning a steamy shower set off the fire alarm, I was in the restaurant which is seperate from the lodge and I couldn’t hear the alarm nor did my little buzzer go off even though it should’ve good fucking system huh and the manager evacuated the lodge, I panicked and did what I could to help. Then the GM came downstairs and said that’s why I went on the course so I could know what to do and made me feel like shit. A couple weeks later I quit becasue I couldn’[t handle that responsibility. I had some savings that I was gonna use to visit friends in america so I lived off that, but not before my family all asking me why I quit and as we know I can’t trust them because it’ll get back to my mum and I especially can’t trust her. Then my brother in law tries asking and I can’t tell him bc it will get back to my sister then to my mum, couldn’t tell my boss bc it would go from him to my other sister to my mum.

Then in january my savings are almost done, december 31st and my tooth is aching, I hopped it was rotten so I could get an infection straight to my brain to kill me, but 3 days pass and I’m in so much pain that meds don’t work, I’m over safe doses, I can’t sleep and I get super headaches that I almost pass out from. I cry in pain and eventually tell my mum who after some convincing realises how serious it is, she stays up the night, helping me phone emergency dental places or the NHS to try and get it removed. It was bad but it wasn’t infected and had no chance to kill me that way if any. She gets me a cold press and some ice to help with it and although I couldn’t get a dentist appointment until the morning she helped with it until then. I was finally feeling like this is how a mother should be, her kid crying and writhing in pain and her helping out, and I was starting to feel some trust for her for helping me when I needed her but she couldn’t help herself she had to make a snide comment that it’s because of all the fizzy juice and energy drinks that I drink. Just when I was hopeful she tears it all back. My back right top and bottom teeth get pulled, dentist was a great guy, and life went back to the same shit. I went to my benifits appointment and got signed up, I asked for an advance payment bc my mum was hounding me for money, so now my benifits are a bit lower than they should.

Then she argues with me about being late with payments even though I show her when I get paid and how much. and now we’re here, during this pandemic where the top part of this post was today. This is a good grasp of all the shit I’ve went through, it’s not everything but it’s the big stuff that I remember.......minus the whole ///R/// situation which I will likely never talk about, and now a quote from my mother which sparked me ranting instead of just about today but about my whole life

“All you do is cost me money”