#on the bright side all they did was make him delete Instagram lol

[stupid-dyke]

Literally T****** if ur out there I hope you’re doing well you were so unintentionally funny and quirky even tho I really thought u were going to stab me to death I’m still sorry I called the cops on you

[zigtheeortega]

redeemed

pairing | m!raleigh x mc

word count | 6.6k

warnings | cursing, innuendos, mentions of sex

tags | @natesewell, @choicesarehard, @empressazura, @raleighcarrera, @pixeljazzy, @pixelsandkink [tagging people who usually ask to be tagged !] 

author’s note | i’ve talked about this before but i’m not a huge fan of the platinum mc’s personality, so i’ve kind of crafted my own that’s quite a bit more rebellious than canon. i’m obsessed with the idea of an mc who’s romancing raleigh and falls into the same pattern of behavior and it genuinely concerns them – so yeah i play with that idea here! i deviate from canon some but not too much ! this is my submission for day 2 of @platinumweekend as well ! also i had no idea how to end this so i apologize for the fizzle out at the end lol

•─────────────────•

As soon as he stepped off stage, he was shuffled to his tour bus, Fiona on his heels. She looked like the human embodiment of rage in a grey blazer, a look in her eye that made him thankful he wasn’t the one it was directed at – or at least he hoped he wasn’t the reason she was two seconds away from a murderous rampage.

She slammed the door behind her, locking it, running to the windows and closing the curtains, peeking out at the paparazzi that no doubt had already tried flocking at the edges of the blocked off area where the bus was parked.

“Damn, what’s the problem? Can’t I at least get my food from craft services? Jesus,” he complained, grabbing a bottle of water from the fully stocked mini fridge, downing it while Fiona frantically ran around the bus, turning off every electrical device in sight.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

She wheeled on him, a few strands of her hair sticking to her lips. “We’ve got a problem.”

“Yeah, you won’t let me go get my fuckin’ overpriced grilled cheese that I know is waiting for me,” he jabbed his thumb towards the venue. “At craft services.”

She eyed him, pupils wide, her anger nearly palpable. “It’s bigger than food.”

He ran a hand through his damp hair, some strands completely drenched in sweat. “Lay it on me.”

And the three words that fell from her lips were soul crushing, his post-show high wearing off in an instant.

“Dom’s been arrested.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He sat up, posture rigid. “What happened?”

“Not here. We’ll talk on the plane,” Fiona said, twisting the knob of the closet door, grabbing the black duffel bag on the ground. She tossed it at his feet, motioning for him to stand. “The jet leaves in an hour. I packed for you.”

“The plane? Where is she?” He was getting more and more frustrated, nearing hysterics. He should’ve felt a bit more shame about how worked up he was getting, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

Fiona took notice, her fiery gaze softening at the edges, the blue flames flickering across his face. “Not here, Raleigh.”

He slung the duffle bag on his shoulder, walking to the door.

“Wait –” Fiona said, leaning over the couch to pull the curtain to the side, peering out again. “I paid off a security guard to distract the paparazzi. And when he does, we have to run to the car that’s gonna pull up any minute now – undetected,” she shot back at him, her icy gaze warning.

Within minutes, a security guard with a similar build to Raleigh sprinted towards the venue, jacket over his head, paparazzi on his heels.

With the camera’s flashing finally pointed away, they were able to slide into the back of the cab, thankful that Hank had connections everywhere. The driver rolled up the barrier without question as soon as Fiona tossed him a wad of cash that she’d fished out of a plain leather pouch.

She shook the pouch, her lips set in a thin line. “You know what this is?”

“A purse?” He asked, brows furrowed. “Is this some kind of fuckin’ trick?”

“It’s an emergency fund. Cash. Not traceable.”

She shook her head, dropping the pouch into her lap, before pinching the bridge of her nose. “When Dom first started getting into trouble, I had to pay off a few people here and there, but when it became more frequent, I had to actually sit her down with her accountant and sort this out.”

“Sort… what out?”

“How much money she needed to allocate to her… antics,” she rolled her eyes, propping her elbow on the back of her seat, hand pressed to her forehead.

She looked drained. Fiona never looked disheveled, but he sensed this was the closest she’d be to it.

“If it’s money she needs, that’s fine. Lemme call my agent –”

“There’s only so much cash I can hand people under the table before it becomes a problem. Not just financially, put publicly,” she sighed, chewing the inside of her cheek. “I’ve been able to cover up the smaller mishaps, but this, I’m afraid, might be the start of something… much worse than disorderly conduct.”

“You gonna tell me her charges?” His jaw set in anticipation, already running through a list of the best lawyers in L.A. that got him off from potentially hefty lawsuits.

Her short locks swayed as she shook her head. “I don’t think it’s my place to tell you.”

He blew air out of his cheeks, leaning into the corner of the cab, legs splayed wide as he tried to take a nonchalant stance. “Can you at least tell me where we’re going?”

“You’ll be glad you have a bedroom, shower, and fridge on the plane,” she said with another shake of her head.

––––

Raleigh laid in bed, aimlessly scrolling through his burner account.

He never really cared for social media under the public eye. Every post of his was either related to tour or the series of brand deals for products he never used. Each page was a personified advertisement – some shit he regretted signing up for.

One drunken night, his curiosity got the best of him and he found himself making a pretty inconspicuous profile, following some funny internet personalities and political commentators. And although he had plans to delete it, once Dom came into the picture, he unabashedly lurked.

He followed her on all platforms, and when he had the chance, he watched her stories, voted in her daily polls, and occasionally scrolled through her old instagram photos.

This time in particular, though, he was looking for something specific without really knowing if there was an answer.

He scrolled to her first post, hundreds down, smiling at high school Dom. Thick eyeliner, layered hair, brace-adorned grin – she was a poster child of adolescence.

Photos of her with Shane at pep rallies, in Halloween costumes, in prom formal wear filled the screen, later transitioning to senior portraits, graduation photos, and dorm photos. A setting of picturesque normality as Dom grew into herself, growing out her choppy layers, softening her makeup, her gleaming smile lighting up each photo.

She grew more beautiful with each year, each little phase of her life coming with a new style, a new little identity or association, Dom’s willingness to try new things the reason she was able to break free from her small town.

God, was Raleigh so fucking envious of this imperfect little portion of her Instagram. If someone were to look this far back for him, there’d be photoshoots and magazine spreads and paparazzi photos all neatly planned. The shaky off-guard photos, the unedited red eyes, the off guard photos, the expressions they made in them… it was something Raleigh never had the chance to do.

Being in the business for ten years, everything was pristine, crisp – always smiling or smoldering, no in between. Sexy and rugged or smiling and happy. Like he had two modes and he wasn’t ever able to exercise those other parts of himself because being in front of the camera was restrictive – while Dom was able to be unabashedly herself.

He was breaking shit just to feel something, to have some range of emotions even if it was a stupid fucking publicity stunt where he damaged property or made out with another politician’s daughter or attempted irreparable blows to his public image.

The more recent the posts, the more calculated her photos got, the phrase “ad” showing up more and more. But even with a skincare brand deal, her step-by-step skincare routine video was on brand for Dom, her bright smile and wit always present in everything she did.

But Raleigh couldn’t help but feel like parts of her were slipping away.

Her online persona was still pretty crisp, except for her style shift – tattoos, a couple piercings, and some edgier photoshoots signified a tonal shift in Dom’s aesthetic, but nothing he hadn’t seen before.

Hell, when he used his first innuendo on his solo album, there was widespread outrage on Sunset Skatepark fan forums, ripping into him for singing about using his dick (even though he was definitely an adult and definitely not a virgin).

But other than her general style, nothing was different. Nothing to indicate this downward spiral that Fiona kept a secret.

Where’s the shift? He thought to himself as he scrolled to the top. When the hell did she start changing for the worse?

She’d come a long way from her clean songs that didn’t require a radio edit. He felt a pang of something in his chest –– regret, maybe? Was he the reason she’d changed?

The questions sent him into a near tailspin, his pulse quickening at the realization.

He was the problem.

She’d since deleted her photos with Raleigh, because their breakup was so public, but he could tell that the shift happened right around the time she started spending more time with him.

He’d been a mentor of sorts, opposite of Avery, showing her the ropes… which meant that he was teaching her how to evade the press, fuck with the paparazzi, pick out industry plants – the whole nine yards.

She was impulsive, daring, adventurous, fearless – all the qualities he liked in himself. But he never thought those traits would take a negative turn, morphing her into a rebel with an affinity for breaking laws.

He could blame himself all he wanted, but he couldn’t blame her for taking the same route he took. 

He knew it better than anybody – it was hard to shift the public’s persona of you. Once you did something horrible to make them hate you, either the rebrands and ass kissing worked, or you get written off by everyone.

Raleigh Carrera was a special case, a wild card of sorts who toed the line, unpredictable, both with his craft and his behavior. The nastier his lyrics, the crazier his publicity stunts were, the more polarizing he was.

And that was no doubt the route Dom was on, heading towards an inevitable press nightmare – if people were to find out the home grown rags-to-riches Dominique Avalos dove headfirst into her rebellious phase with no smooth transition, she wouldn’t be able to Google herself for months without having a panic attack.

She’d changed drastically, but that’s what fame did to people. Some people cracked under the pressure, or they rebelled to show the public they were in control of their narrative… or that they desperately wanted it back.

He took a shaky breath, swiping out of the app.

He wasn’t sure if he could save her, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t gonna try.

––––

The moment the jet touched down, Fiona was in full manager mode, adamant on abandoning his phone, stressing the importance of going off the grid.

“If anyone finds out you’re here, they’ll be able to put two and two together. Why else would you be in the same country as Dom when you’re supposed to be heading towards New York for your next show?” She asked, hand outstretched.

“I hate it when you’re right,” he grumbled, tossing his phone into her palm. “Where are we exactly?”

“I can’t tell you,” she sighed, looking exhausted. He had a gut feeling she hadn’t slept a wink since they’d boarded the plane.

“Why not?”

“It’s a bit safer that way.”

He scoffed. “You’re serious? Look, I’m not exactly thrilled to pull the A-List celebrity card, but this is borderline kidnapping.” 

“Let’s just say you might be able to pick up on some of the language,” she said, turning on her heel to exit the plane.

Within minutes, they were pulling onto a dirt backroad, the small houses they passed barely casting shadows onto the ground.

The town itself was seemingly innocuous – the tiny brick houses riddled with dust, the stone paths lining the road cracked and deserted. The tiny town had turned in for the night, their old Sedan sticking out like a sore thumb despite the old model.

Raleigh squirmed in his seat, twisting the expensive watch on his wrist. He fucking hated this.

No matter where he went, he was noticed in some capacity – so wearing a Rolex and Cartier rings in a small village in the middle of nowhere just made him look pretentious.

He slipped the rings and watches off, shoving them deep into the pocket of his jeans, ignoring Fiona’s calculating side eye (one he knew all too well).

The only light, other than the gas lamp posts and their high beams, came from the building at the end of the road.

The car pulled around the side, flicking their lights off, the driver peeking around before motioning for them to exit the car.

“Throw the hoodie on, Raleigh,” Fiona ordered while slipping on a ball cap of her own, her casual t-shirt and leggings wildly different from her normal outfit.

“Sure,” he murmured, tugging the hood on.

The walk from the car to the dusty glass front door was short, Fiona breaking into a light jog to keep up with Raleigh’s brisk pace.

The makeshift “waiting room” in the front corner of the station was empty, the scratched up folding chairs in crooked rows. The front desk was occupied by a sleeping form, head buried in the crease of his elbow, snore muffled by the counter top.

The other officer stood at the back near an old vending machine, sliding coins into the slot, the clink of each piece ringing out against the brick and linoleum.

No cameras, he thought, after a quick scan of the room, shoving the hood back in its place at the nape of his neck.

The holding cells were farther back, but he couldn’t see her.

He stepped up to the counter where the man was sleeping, giving a gentle knock to the top. The man stirred, unfurling his arms, while the other man in the back glanced up from where he was, elbows deep in the snack machine as he fished out his bag of chips.

Raleigh offered a basic greeting in Spanish, frowning just a bit when both officers’ eyes lit up – the phrase “famoso” and “celebridad” falling from their lips almost as soon as they recognized him.

Yeah, he was gonna use his notoriety to their advantage, but that didn’t mean it still didn’t sting when people immediately tried gauging what they could get from him when they realized who he was.

For a long time he’d been waiting for the day where name dropping himself didn’t get him out of deep shit.

And the day he met Dom, when he assumed she knew who he was, all she did was raise her brow as if to say “Why the fuck should I care?”

It startled him, truthfully. But it was such a breath of fresh air. He couldn’t remember a time before or after that someone showed no interest in him.

The officer in the back jogged to the front, pulling his phone out of his back pocket while asking for a picture.

He looked to Fiona, who was shaking her head furiously, stepping up next to him like her 5’5 stature was enough to shield him. “Nobody can know we’re here.”

He nodded, turning back to the men, trying to negotiate with them.

Yes, Dom’s here.

No, you can’t see her.

He racked his brain trying to figure out how he was gonna get himself – and Dom – out of the situation unscathed if he couldn’t give them a photo or autograph.

“Dom bought me the Rolex and Cartier rings, right?”

Fiona’s brows furrowed. “Yes. She gifted them to you on your birthday. You know this –”

“No, what I mean is, she has the receipts? Or you do?”

“I don’t have them, but I have access to them,” she said, still confused.

“Get rid of ‘em. I haven’t told anyone she bought them for me.”

Her face lit up in recognition, and she nodded, encouraging him to go on.

He dug in his pockets, fishing out the watch and thin bands.

After a quick exchange, the officers took two rings each, and began rapid fire arguing over the Rolex. They tossed Raleigh the keys, stepping out the front door.

“I’ll keep watch,” Fiona said, turning towards the door.

“Hey –” Raleigh said, laying a hand on her shoulder.

She quirked a brow at him. “What?”

“You’re not coming with?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Why not? I’m not even sure what the fuck I’m supposed to say –”

“She specifically asked for you.”

He took a step back, resting his palm on the countertop behind him. “What the – are you… are you serious?”

She nodded once. “She might’ve been slurring, but she was clear as day. She wanted you.”

He blew air out of his cheeks, running a hand through his short waves.

Fiona’s gaze softened, her eyes still piercing. Fiona was a lot of things – steadfast, headstrong, determined – but she wasn’t soft. She didn’t sugar coat shit.

“She’s missed you. She doesn’t confide in me much, but even I can tell she’s unhappy. Be gentle with her,” she said, gaze tearing right through him.

The walk to the holding cells felt miles long – his resolve was shrinking with every step.

He wasn’t afraid of seeing Dom, not at all. He was afraid of whatever part of himself that might’ve been reflected in her.

The cell was empty, save for the curled form on the bench, long dark hair cascading over the edges of the seat.

“Dom?” He called, hearing her sharp inhale of breath as she stirred, bending into a long stretch, her limbs unfurling until she was lying on her back on the bench, tilting her head towards his voice.

God, even when she looked like life had torn her to shreds, she still looked beautiful.

“Raleigh?” She croaked, her eyes squinting to adjust to the low lights. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

She arched her back, stretching again, her long frame covering the bench. It was almost the right level of distracting to stop the creeping annoyance at her question.

“What do you mean? I’m here to bail you out, obviously.”

“Where’s Fiona?” She asked groggily, rolling off the side of the bench awkwardly, trying to gain her footing.

“You asked for me, didn’t you?” He raised a brow, sliding his forearms through the bars, resting them there.

“She told you?” She asked, voice raising in betrayal, a scoff following his silence. “I was drunk.”

“And? You still asked for me.”

 “Oh, fuck off,” she murmured, crossing her arms as soon as she was balanced.

He dangled the keys between his fingertips, gently jingling them. “I’ll let you out if you tell me what happened.”

Her lip curled in annoyance. “You’d really leave me here?”

“You don’t want to find out.”

She ran a hand through her hair, blowing air out of her cheeks. “Alright.”

He unlocked the door and slipped in, the heavy door creaking as he slid it wide enough for him to fit through.

She backed up, plopping back onto the bench, arms lowering to curl around her sides.

He followed suit, sitting a couple feet away from her on the other end of the bench, shoving his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie.

She stared at the floor, clearly waiting for him to make a move.

“So…”

“So, what?” She grumbled.

“So… how’d you end up here?” He asked, trying to remain as relaxed as he could since she was clearly on edge, ready to tear him a new one at a moment’s notice.

“I was drunk. I got in a fight. Here I am.”

He sighed. “Look, you don’t have to tell me everything, but I can’t help you if I don’t know if you’re ankles deep or neck deep.”

She chewed her lip, chin dipping lower, strands of her hair falling forward, creating an inky veil. “Fine. I’ll tell you but… can you not… look at me?”

Raleigh’s face contorted in confusion, but he listened, swivelling until he was facing the back wall, propping one leg up on the bench.

He waited for her to speak. The break in conversation was a bit too long – but before a quip could fall from his lips, she spoke.

“I did get drunk, and I did get in a fight. I’m telling the truth but I, uh, left out some details,” she started, her voice low.

“I, uh, was passing through this town after my last show because I wanted to go to a bar without being noticed. Like the old days. I know it was stupid, but I didn’t think anyone would find me here.”

That was her first mistake. Smaller towns surprisingly had the most dedicated fans – maybe because they’re bored or nothing exciting happened in their towns, but most of his die hard fans came from the middle of nowhere. 

“The first hour was fine, and I was able to drink and dance with strangers. Most of them were a lot older than me and spoke zero English – and I speak a little bit of Spanish as you know, so I could make some small talk, but I was on my own just… enjoying myself and my freedom,” she said, and he could almost see the grin tug at the corner of her lips.

“I noticed someone taking photos of me with their phone, so I got a bit paranoid and sat in a booth in the back drinking for a little while longer so I could figure out my next move,” she continued, before sighing loudly. “I guess they told the local news or something, because by the time I decided to leave, I ran smack into a reporter on the sidewalk.”

Silence ensued again, this time more deafening than the last.

“I didn’t mean to give her a black eye. Or break the camera. Or elbow the camera man in the face when he tried restraining me. I just… couldn’t think straight. I was mad. Intoxicated and wrong, but still mad.”

“I know Fiona’s trying her best to get me out of this mess but… I think I went too far this time.”

Raleigh stared at the wall, racking his brain for something. He was a little dumbfounded that she spilled to him so fast. He figured it was gonna take a bit more digging to get her to open up, but she blossomed in front of him; despite the wilted petals, he was relieved to know she still trusted him enough to confide in him.

“Are you gonna say something?” She asked, a bit timidly.

“Not if I can’t look at you.”

“Okay, then don’t say anything.”

He sighed, settling into his spot on the bench, waiting again for her to speak.

“Why did you come?”

Instinctively, he shrugged. “You asked me to.”

“But you don’t owe me anything. We’re not together.”

“Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t drop everything to come help you. I mean, I’d like to think we’re at least acquaintances, if not friends,” he joked, resting his arm over the back of the bench.

“Sure,” she said, voice straining just a bit. Just enough for him to notice.

Dom was a special kind of resilient – one trait that Raleigh was sure she didn’t copy from him.

He knew that being a woman in the industry was already hard enough – everything from beauty to body standards to raging misogyny was enough to give people reasons to hate her, as stupid as they were.

Raleigh benefitted from the standards in place for men. He was young, attractive, talented – didn’t matter what he did wrong. He’d bounce back.

But he’d seen some vile shit since he’d ascended to fame. So many celebrities fading into obscurity after one mishap. One bad album. One bad interview. One rude encounter. One rumor.

For some reason, despite diving headfirst into troubled waters, Dom bounced back every time, fire in her eyes, her jaw set in determination, her face painted with the look she got when she was ready to face the world.

But whatever she was feeling in that moment, in that jail cell in the middle of nowhere – was enough to break her. 

He heard her take a deep, shaky breath, and he started to turn, but he felt her warm palm on his shoulder, holding him in place.

“Don’t,” she whispered.

He listened to her labored breathing, likely struggling to hold back tears, while he stared at the cracks in the wall, trying to think of something – anything – to console her.

“Did Fiona seem… upset?” She asked, seeming a bit nervous.

“It’s kind of hard to tell, to be honest. She’s pretty intense all of the time,” he laughed, not really meaning to.

He was relieved to hear a light chuckle from behind him.

“Yeah, I figure she’s pretty mad at me. I don’t blame her,” she sighed, another break in conversation ensuing. A couple beats later, she asked, bluntly, “Are you mad at me?”

“No,” he answered with zero hesitation. “I know you’d do the same for me.”

She laughed again, a bit more genuine that time. “Not sure where you got that impression.”

“You wouldn’t leave me here to rot if I asked you to come, Dom. You’re not that heartless,” he teased gently, glad that things were taking a lighthearted turn.

“I’m just glad you’re not gonna lecture me. I already know I’m gonna get an earful from Fiona, not to mention the shit I’ll get from Shane and Avery. I couldn’t handle one from you.”

He grimaced. “Uh, well, you’d rather hear it from me than Fiona, right?”

“Oh, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” she mumbled under her breath.

“You know I normally don’t care what you do, because it’s your life, and you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want, but Dom…” he trailed off, trying to choose his words carefully.

“I know I fucked up, Raleigh. I don’t need you making me feel more guilty than I already am,” she said defensively, voice raised.

“I’m not gonna make you feel guilty. Just offering some advice.” God, did those words feel foreign to him. Offering advice. He never did shit like this for anybody.

He took her silence as a green light. “You’ve just gotta slow down, Dom.”

Whatever impact his words made, he couldn’t see it, since he was still facing the damn wall. “Can I please turn around? I can’t talk to you like this.”

“Sure.”

He adjusted himself on the bench, trying to look attentive without staring. She was stunning, even with the smudged makeup, the dark circles, the red eyes  “You don’t have to do anything and everything you’re asked to do, but you gotta find some kind of balance.”

She wrung her hands in her lap, picking at her cuticles absentmindedly. “Yeah, I know.”

“I mean balance the good and bad, Dom. There’s a line for people like us and you can’t cross it often. You can get close, but you can’t just dive over it and not expect there to be some fallout.”

“I know,” she said, bluntly, looking a bit more annoyed with each word that came from his mouth.

“You can cause some chaos, but some of it isn’t acceptable,” he said, watching her expression contort in anger. “For them. Not acceptable for them. The average person, I mean.”

“Oh, you’re one to fucking talk!” She rolled her eyes. “How are you gonna sit here and tell me that your brand of shit stirring is okay, but mine isn’t?”

“I’m not the one sitting in a jail cell right now, Dom,” he said, calmly but firmly. He wasn’t used to being the rational one, but he had to be level headed. He was trying to save her.

She ran a hand through her hair, leaning back against the back of the bench. “You’re infuriating, you know that?”

“Trust me, I know.”

“You’re hypocritical.”

“Not necessarily,” he said, propping his arm up on the back of the bench. “I was in the industry for years before I started dirtying up my image. You just got here.”

“And you’ve been here too damn long to act the way you do,” she nearly spat, lashing out.

“I’m too far gone,” he simply stated, keeping surprisingly calm through it all.

“What the hell do you mean by that?”

“I’ve been here for a long time, which means, I’ve got a lot more fuck ups under my belt. Irreparable damage, if you will.”

“People love you,” she said, matter-of-factly, like that solved it – it honestly relieved him. A bit of Dom’s naivete from when they first met was shining through.

“People also hate me, because I’m a little shit who sets fires for fun,” he grinned. “For legal reasons, my lawyers insist I clarify that I’m joking.”

She rolled her lips, trying to suppress a smile. “People who hate you don’t know you.”

He nodded. “You’re right, and you’re so close to the point I’m sure you can taste it.”

“I’m too far gone to save. No matter how hard I try for the rest of my career, I can never get away from the wild card label. Plenty of people don’t wanna work with me. I’ve damaged business relationships. Lots of artists don’t want to collab with me because of how it’ll make them look.”

“Why are you telling me all this?”

“Because I know you don’t want this. You’re too good for whatever baggage comes with being a ‘rebel’, Dom. I don’t want to see you turn out like me.”

For the first time that night, she stared at him – really stared at him. Her deep brown, nearly midnight eyes searched his for any sign of insincerity.

“You’re… serious?” She asked finally, brows furrowed in confusion.

“One hundred percent honest,” he said, nodding.

She sat back in her chair, chewing on her lip, contemplating.

“Can you turn back around again?”

He nodded, wordlessly facing the wall again.

“I left out a few details,” she said from behind him.

“I’m listening,” he affirmed.

“I, uh, was pretty hammered by the time I left, so it was even harder for me to understand what people were saying,” she said before he could speak. “I heard the reporter say ‘Raleigh’ and ‘novio’ and I saw red… so… I, uh… swung.”

His chest clenched, tightening until it was difficult to breathe. He was thankful she’d asked him to face the other direction, because he knew his reaction betrayed his cool demeanor.

“I guess I’m not over it,” she laughed humorlessly.

He ran a hand over his face, racking his brain for a response, but coming up short.

“You, um, don’t have to say anything if you don’t feel the same. I shouldn’t have gotten attached. It’s on me.”

That made him turn, swivelling around before she could finish speaking.

She flicked her head towards the bars of the cell, raising a hand to cover her face. “I said ‘don’t look at me’, Raleigh. Goddamn.”

Years and years of PR training and interviews and he had no idea how the fuck to console her. Partially because he was trying to get a grip on whatever the hell was going on in his brain as well.

Instead, he answered her with a question of his own, a tactic he’d used anytime he wanted to deflect in interviews.

“Why can’t I look?”

Dom tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, slowly rotating to meet his gaze. She sank her teeth deep into her bottom lip to keep it from trembling.

“Fuck,” she cursed, rubbing the backs of her hands under her eyes, the dried black mascara under her eyes beginning to liquidate again. “Because I’m crying, Raleigh. And I don’t cry.”

“You wanna tell me what’s wrong? I know there’s more to it than you’re telling me,” he asked, holding up two of his fingers in a solute. “No judgement.”

She sighed, crossing the room to put some distance between them. She began pacing, taking slow steps as she spoke.

“I might’ve fucked up my career and I keep letting people down and I’m destructive because this whole fame thing isn’t what I signed up for and I didn’t think I’d cave under pressure like every other mid twenties child actor who goes through a premature mid-life crisis, but here I fucking am,” she said, nearly out of breath by the end.

His legs carried him across the room before he could think twice, pacing towards her while she strode across the room in the opposite direction.

“God, I’m so fucking stupid –”

“Stop. You’re not stupid.”

“I am,” she said, wheeling on him. “And – and I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that my manager and – and my ex –” She stopped in her tracks, rubbing a palm over her forehead, shutting her eyes.

He reached out to her, but let his hand fall almost immediately.

“My acquaintance had to fly out to a fucking village in the middle of nowhere to bail me out –” 

“Dom, stop –”

“– because I fought a fucking reporter over not being able to handle my fucking feelings –”

“Dom –”

“– like an adult with a functioning frontal lobe all because I love someone who –”

Her eyes popped open, her expression horrified. “Oh my god, I’m – I –”

She dug the heel of her hands into her eyes, dropping into a squat. “Fuck, fuck, Goddammit –”

“Did you just –”

“Yeah, Raleigh, I did. Don’t make me feel worse, alright? I know I fucked up,” she groaned from her heap on the ground.

“You just said you love me, Dom. I think I’m allowed to react,” he said, a slight teasing to his voice.

She glanced up, glaring. “Okay, then, react.”

Her gaze was fiery, her deep brown irises challenging – something else a bit more vulnerable lying beneath.

She was terrified.

He leaned down, gripping her around the waist to pull her back up, wrapping his arms around her upper back, hugging her to his chest.

She melted into his arms, relaxing and leaning into his embrace.

“I didn’t mean to say it,” she murmured into his chest.

“So do you?” He asked, chin gently balanced on her head.

“What?”

“Do you love me?”

“I don’t know,” she said truthfully, voice small.

“You don’t have to know. I don’t know either,” he said, just as earnest, feeling her tense in his arms. “But I do know that I like you enough to want you around, and that counts for something, right?”

She laughed (as genuine as he’d heard it), leaning back to look at him. “Yeah, it does.”

Their bodies were still pressed together, Dom’s chin tilted upwards towards him, their faces nearly touching.

“If this gets out, don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re a bad person,” he said, voice low. “You’re the best person I know –”

Dom closed the gap between them, capturing his lips in an intense kiss. He cupped her face in his palms and held her in place, moaning into her parted lips.

God, there was nothing that compared to kissing her. Nobody matched up. He’d made out with a lot of people since he was flung into stardom at sixteen, and no one – absolutely no one – left him in a daze like she did.

She gripped the strings of his hoodie, pulling him closer, sighing contentedly against him.

The smell of her shampoo mixed with the sweet scent of her skin and the warmth of her hands and her chest flush against his – it was the next best thing to being inside of her.

He pulled back, trying to catch the dreamy, half-lidded look she always got when they parted.

“So… did you take your jet here?”

He smirked and rolled his eyes. “Out of context, that sounds so superficial.”

She grinned, her first genuine smile that night. “Oh, but you’re not? Hanging around a rising artist to cling to relevancy?”

He laughed, the sound reverberating off of the walls. “I really am rubbing off on you, aren’t I?”

“Yep. The good and bad,” she agreed, still smiling at him.

“The good?” He shook his head. “Nah, I’m not so sure about that.”

“You’re literally the reason I haven’t walked out on my label and moved to bum fuck nowhere and lived off the land,” she said, shrugging. “You taught me how to have fun. You were the only one keeping me sane.”

He thought he was the one encouraging her to leap over the edge, but he was the one tugging her arm back.

The whole time he was convinced he was a bad influence, but he was doing some good – for her.

But with that revelation came the guilt at her words.

“‘Were’?”

“Well, we don’t really talk anymore. I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

“Yeah,” she chewed her lip, stepping back, unraveling herself from his embrace. “I’m sorry.”

That was a slap to the face. Dom rarely apologized, because if she felt she was right, she wasn’t going to budge. She was stubborn as hell.

“Huh? Why?” “I don’t want to guilt you into spending time with me… or feeling things for me,” she said, rubbing her arm. “I didn’t mean to corner you.”

“You didn’t. I wanted to come.”

She glanced up, blinking at him. “No, you didn’t –”

“I did,” he emphasized, slipping her hand into his, intertwining their fingers. “I kinda missed being forced to hang out with you. Feels like old times.”

She couldn’t stop the laugh from ripping from her, this one louder than the last. “Oh, shut up.”

“No, but seriously, I’m here for you. Whatever you need. Always.”

“Thank you.” With her free hand, she punched his shoulder lightly. “You’ll regret that sooner or later.”

“Nah,” he said, lip curling into a smirk. “I don’t think I will.”

––––

[lilliagradiewrites]

off limits // jj maybank (part one)

Summary: John B’s 16-year-old sister Cacey Routledge is coming to stay with him in the Outer Banks for the summer. Before she gets there, John B warns his single, heartbreaker of a best friend that his little sister is off limits. But what will happen when feelings develop between the two?

Pairings: JJ x OC! , pope x kiara, john b x sarah

A/N: Hey babes! I decided to delete unexpected because I didn’t really like it lol. This is in replacement of that story! I created an instagram for the two main OC’s in this story: Cacey and her best friend Lina! Follow Cacey @caceyroutledge, and Lina @lina.mads :) love you guys and i hope you enjoy this book! (if you’d like to reblog it would be very much appreciated!)

Part Summary: Cacey is introduced to the pogues!

Part Warnings: Swearing, underage drinking, vaping, mentions of marijauna. (nothing worse than what’s in the show lol.)

let’s do it !!

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     As soon as Cacey Routledge stepped of the ferry, the vexatious humidity of the North Carolina coast hit her. The sixteen year old was already hot and sticky, and she’d only been off the ferry for five seconds! She gasped as the bright sun pierced her eyes, and she held her hand up to block it out while she removed her sunglasses from the top of her head and placed them on the bridge of her nose. As she searched the dock for a certain familiar face, she felt her phone buzz from her back pocket. When she lifted it, the screen lit up to reveal a text notification from her best friend. 

linaaaa: send me photos bitch!! imy already :(((((

Cacey laughed at the message before quickly typing out a reply.

cacey: i will dw! i just got off the ferry lol. and imy more!!!

After pressing send, Cacey clicked the off button on the side of the device before shoving it back into her pocket. The girl continued the search for her brother on the crowded ferry dock. It was only a few moments before she spotted him. There he stood, his unbuttoned orange hawaiian style shirt making him stand out from the pastel-polo clad crowd. Cacey could recognize those shaggy brunette locks anywhere. “Bird!” She called for her brother, running towards him. To her annoyance, the rolling of her suitcase on the dock’s uneven wood slowed her down significantly. 

     Hearing his nickname, John B looked around, searching for the source of the yell. Finally, he spotted her. He moved towards her, meeting Cacey in the middle. “Bear!” He cried out, using her nickname as she had used his. He pulled her into a tight embrace. “I missed you so much.”

     Cacey hugged him back, smiling at the old nickname. “I missed you more!”

     Pulling away, John B draped his arm over his sister’s shoulders as he led her to where his old beat-up volkswagon was parked. “So, what’s up with you? What have you been up to?”

     Cacey smiled. “Nothing much, to be completely honest. My life’s pretty uneventful. I hang out with my one friend and that’s about it.”

     John B nodded in understanding. “Oh, right! That one girl. What’s her name? Uh... Lindsay?”

     Cacey laughed. “Lina.” She corrected. “But yes, her. How have you been? Still hanging out with your same group?”

     John B nodded again. “Yeah, the pogues. I can’t wait for you to meet them. Kie and Sarah freaked out when I told them we’d have another girl for the summer.”

     As the two approached the large van, John B motioned to the left, a gesture for Cacey to get in on the passenger side. Cacey nodded and went to move, and felt something tug against her suitcase. She realized her brother was grabbing it for her. She smiled in thanks and went over to the passenger side door. John B tossed the suitcase into the back of the vehicle before climbing in the driver’s seat and shoving the key into the ignition. When they began pulling out of the parking lot, Cacey began the conversation again. 

  ��  “So, Sarah. Is that the girl you told me about?”

     John B smiled, his cheeks going slightly pink. “Uh, yeah. That’s her.”

    Cacey giggled at her brother’s reaction. She shoved his shoulder playfully. “Birdie’s got himself a girlfriend!!” She squealed. Her brother laughed along with her.

     “Yeah, I guess I do.” He turned the steering wheel, directing the van down a back road. “What about you? You got yourself some guy in miami?”

     Cacey shook her head. “Nah, not right now. I broke up with Maya two months ago, and it was kind of messy. I figured it was best to focus on me for this summer.” John B nodded, then furrowed his brows. 

     “Maya?” He questioned.

     Cacey nodded. “Yeah. Did I not tell you about her?” When her brother shook his head, Cacey gave a quick explanation. “She’s my ex-girlfriend. We dated for eight months until I found out she had been cheating on me. When we broke up, she blamed it on me. Told everyone I was awful to her and that I was ‘Manipulative.’ She’s super popular, so everyone believed her over me. Lina was the only one who knew I was telling the truth. That’s how I lost all my friends.”

    John B’s brows remained furrowed as he processed the information that he had just been given. “Okay, first of all. Girlfriend? You... You’re- You like girls?”

     Cacey’s eyes went wide and her cheeks went red. She couldn’t believe what she had just done to herself. How could she have been so stupid? “Uh...” She searched for an excuse. How did she forget that she hadn’t come out to her brother yet? She eventually decided it was no use, and she might as well use this as an opportunity to tell John B. “Yeah.” Cacey finished. “I forgot I haven’t told you. I’m... uh... bisexual. I like girls and guys.” 

    John B’s eys widened as he nodded. “Oh.” 

     Cacey watched him intently. His expression was unreadable. “Are you... like... against that?” She questioned nervously.

     John B shook his head quickly. “No! No, of course not! Kiara, one of my friends... she’s uh... pansexual, I think?”

     Cacey smiled in relief.”Oh, okay. Good.” She chuckled nervously.

     John B noticed his sister’s discomfort and decided to change the subject. “My friends are really excited to meet you. They’re all waiting at the house for when we get back.”

    “For real?” Cacey smiled. “I can’t wait to meet them all! They all seem super dope, based on what you’ve told me.”

    John B grinned. “They are.”

    Watching her brother, Cacey felt genuinely happy for him. She could tell, just by his smile, that he had some great friends, and that he loved them dearly. She was so excited to meet them all and to get to know them. 

     “Tell me about your girl.” Cacey says.

     John Bs pupils dilated, and his cheeks went pink. Simply at the mention of Sarah. “She’s amazing. She’s funny, and kind, and absolutely stunning. And she’s there for me, all the time, no matter what. Even if I’ve been a dick, or I did something stupid. She’s there when I need her.”

     Cacey giggled lightly at her brother’s description of the girl. “You’re whipped as fuck, huh?”

   John B laughed at her comment, and hit her lightly on the shoulder. “Shut up!” He said. He turned the corner, pulling into the entrance of the Chateau. “Here we are!” John B announced, parking the car and pulling the key out of the ignition. 

     Cacey threw her door open and bounded out of the car, bursting with excitement to meet the pogues. As she approached the front door, she was flooded with a wave of nervousness. What if John B’s friends didn’t like her? What was she going to do all summer if they didn’t? Her brothers voice pulled her abruptly from her thoughts.

   “You ready, Bear?” John B said with a warm smile. The familiar nickname grounded her. After a minute, she nodded. She was ready. John B turned the door handle and opened the door. 

     Walking into the house, she could tell that it was messy. Random pairs of shoes sat in random spots on the floor, and opened beer cans littered the counters and tables. Cacey could, however, tell that her brother had made an effort to tidy the place up. The effort wasn’t quite effective, but appreciated nevertheless. 

     “It’s not much.” John B said, running his hand through his long hair. But it’s home.”

      Cacey smiled at the tall brunette beside her. “It’s perfect.” 

     John B smiled back down at her. Much to John B’s dismay, the sweet sibling moment was ruined by shouts outside. Cacey head snapped to the side. Through a window, she saw a group of teenagers seated in hammocks and chairs around an unlighted fire pit. They were laughing and talking, carefree and happy.

     The pogues.

     Cacey smiled at the sight of them. As she watched, she felt a hand on her back, leading her out the backyard.

. . .

     Introductions to the pogues went well. Cacey met all of them one by one, and hit it off with each person easily. An hour after the routledge siblings had arrived at the chateau, they all sat outside. Kie, pope and Cacey all in chairs around the fire pit. John B and Sarah shared one hammock, while JJ occupied the other. As the group laughed and talked, Cacey couldn’t help but admire the blond. He was tall, muscular. Hot. Cacey was drawn to him from the second she laid eyes on him. Once, he had caught her watching him. He simply winked and looked back over to John B, who was telling a funny story. Cacey went red. She thanked God that she was sitting down, knowing her legs would have turned to jelly had she been standing.

     Kiara turned to Cacey, breaking the girl from her thoughts. “So, Cacey. Tell us about yourself.”

     Cacey smiled. “Okay. I’m sixteen. I live in Miami with me and John B’s uncle. I go to an arts school, Alexander Cay School of the Arts, on a scholarship. I have a dog named Ryder and a best friend named Lina. And that’s about it.”

     “Cool.” Sarah said. “I love Miami. I went there once with my family on vacation. The beaches are absolutely beautiful.” Cacey nodded. “Yes, they are. I love it there.” Sarah smiled, and Cacey smiled right back.

     “What’s cool is that you go to ACSA. That school’s, like, super prestigious. How’d you get a scholarship?” Kiara said enthusiastically. 

      “Cace is an amazing singer.” John B said. “A scout saw a video she uploaded online and offered her a full ride for all of high school.” The expression on his face was full of love and pride for his little sister.

      “That’s awesome!’ Kie exclaimed. “You’ll have to sing for us sometime.”

      “Yeah.” Cacey nodded. “Maybe I will.” She looked over at JJ, who blew a ball of smoke in the air and sucked it back in.  As he exhaled, Cacey nodded, impressed. “Damn, JJ.” She said. “That was a clean ass ghost.” JJ smiled at her. “Thanks.” The blond leaned forward and held out his juul towards Cacey. “Want a hit?” Cacey was about to take it from him when John B voice interrupted. 

     “No, she doesn’t.” He said. Cacey looked back at her brother and rolled her eyes before taking the vape from JJ. “What flavor pod?” She questioned before pulling a long hit. 

     “Mint.” JJ answered. Cacey’s brows furrowed as she exhaled. “I thought they discontinued those?” 

     “They did. I had some stocked away.” JJ explained. Cacey nodded before taking another hit. She inhaled, then demonstrated her best  ghost for the blond. Kie uttered that she was impressed, and Cacey smiled. JJ couldn’t get over how hot it was.

     Cacey took one last hit, knowing it would take only three to get her buzzed. She blew large, clean o’s into the air as she handed the juul back to JJ. “Thanks, man.” She said as he took it and took a drag. “I’ll let you hit my disposable later.”

     Through the whole encounter, John B sat silent, his mouth agape. “You- you vape?” He asked his sister, dumbfounded.

     “Yeah.” Cacey nodded. “Not proud of it, but I do.”

     “What the fuck! That’s so bad for you, bear!” John B cried.

     “I know. But I’ll be fine.” Cacey said, brushing her brother concerns off. 

      “Do you smoke and drink too?” John B questioned. he couldn’t believe that he had just watched his previously innocent little sister hit a juul. 

      “Yeah. So what? I’m young. And I know  you do that shit too.”

       JJ chuckled. “He only drinks. He’ll smoke with me every once in a while, but it’s a rare ocurrance.” 

      “Jesus, John B. You’re lame as fuck!” Cacey exclaimed. The group laughed at this.

      The rest of the night consisted of laughing and talking. Cacey eventually ended up with a beer in her hand, much to her brother’s dismay. At around 11:30, the youngest routledge stood and announced she was going to bed. After saying all of her goodnights, Cacey headed inside. She undressed and then flopped dramatically onto the bed of the Chateau’s guest bedroom. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

[madmadmilk]

Return to Sender | Tom Holland x Reader

Pairing: Tom Holland x Yours Truly (You)

Summary: A letter made out of love and loyalty. It’s your choice to press post, send, delete, or save to drafts. The only thing we’ll never know is if he decides to read it or not.

Warnings: cursing, (lowkey highkey) angst, and a fair amount of delusion

Word Count: 1.8K over the character count

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How to read: First Person POV, so read this as yourself first and foremost. Then read this as his good friend, read this as someone who saw him yesterday, read this as someone you haven’t see in a long time, read this as someone who has nevermet him, read this as someone who has only known him through the lens of social media... read this as someone who has a lot to say but will never send it.

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Hey Thomas,

I must have written this over a thousand times, and I know it’ll never be just right.I just feel weird calling you Tom over this absurdly long, formal message, and Thomas kinda just looked better to me. And, blah, I know this could never change your mind, or make you see me any differently, but it doesn’t hurt to try, right?

Let’s get the hard part over with.

There’s about three things I’m absolutely positive about. First, you’re amazing. Fucking, brilliant. Second, there’s a part of you–– my wishful thinking, I suppose–– that I know, cares about me or could. And third, hah, I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you.

Yeah, I totally just took that from Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, but you know what?? I gotta pay homage to how fiction and storytelling has always left a significant impression on me. Fluttery stories of love and hope and strength and cute brunettes–– all leads to you.

And I’m joking and rambling now, I know, but it doesn’t make it mean any less.

I love you.

Truthfully, I don’t even know where thatstarted. Was it when I saw you fight impossible odds during a tsunami as a boy? Or when you trained to spin webs and do back-flips and shit. Did I notice this affection through your first appearance in the MCU? The second, or even the third? Did I realize it when I found your instagram, and finally let myself follow? That time when you mistook your hair gel for toothpaste…? Or when I caught your livestream at the Right Time? When you looked right at me, and I let myself believe?

I don’t think I’ll really ever know whenthis started. I only know what I want and wish to happen now.

Through the videos, posts, movies, interviews and experience, I just… I just feel like you’ve always been there for me. You’ve always been someone I could fall back on–– look back on. I open my phone, and you’re right there. Beneath my fingertips, first in my search bar, bright on my lock screen. You’ve always been.

I look for your voice before I sleep, and I imagine the sights and sounds when I see new pictures of you. All I can do afterwards is wish I were there with you.

That’s all I want.

All I want is to leave an impression on you, to have something that lets you remember me. After that, I can let go and rest forever, if I knew I could mean anything to you.

I draw you, write about you, read about you, dedicate a whole blog to you–– and still wonder if it’s too little or too much.

(Side note: does it weird you out? Seriously, let me know and I’ll halt productions.)

Gah, it’s staggering to think that we are worlds away from one another; that we could meet tomorrow and then never again. Or how often I see your face, and never know how often you see mine––

I don’t let myself think of that most days.

You’ve brought me so much peace and happiness just knowing you.

My view is one-sided and biased and rosy. It’s limited, blurry, and lacking. There’s so much I don’t know about you, so much I wantto know about you.

And that’s what keeps this going.

The hope.

Or some shit.

I wonder if you would tell me if you had a girlfriend, or boyfriend, or someone special. I wonder how that would make me feel, or if that could make these feelings stop…. Hah, but I don’t think that would take anything away from me.

You’ll still be you.

You’ll still be that sticky boy who’s kind and generous and cute and funny and good to his family and friends.

You’ll always be that to me.

Not that I’d refuse to believe that someone else completes you or supports you better than I can, but I’ll always have the warmth you’ve given me. They could love you more than me, be closer to you than me, be better than me, and that’s alright.

Because all I want is for you to be happy.

If you are, then so am I.

And that’s love, I suppose.

It’s something selfless, it’s something that’s kind of like a hobby. You enjoy it and you endure it. You build it, you tear it down. You want to share it, but keep it to yourself. And no matter what happens, you learn and grow from it…

Oof.

I do hope you continue to share these things with me. No real pressure, of course. It’s your life to take control of. You deserve your privacy first and foremost, and time away from the public and social media. You deserve the time to recharge and reorient yourself after long trips and interviews and work hours–– we all do.

I just hope you decide to continue to share the snippets of life that you do.

It’s a lovely world to be a part of.

I love that you share so much with your family and friends. I love seeing your cute lil dog and snaps of places you call home. I love seeing how you spend your night out, and the sporadic nature of it all. I love that you can’t use instagram stories for shit. And I love that you continue to try anyway.

That’s something I’ve always really liked about you.

You don’t give up when you can’t do something. You’ll post the same thing twice to get it right. You keep your cool and roll with the jokes. You laugh at yourself when appropriate. You stand up for yourself when things go too far. You try your best while we all are watching. You try even harder even when we’re not.

I really respect that.

And I’ve gone so far off track from what I came here to say, I don’t even know if you’ve bothered to read this far. There’s just a few more things left, I promise.

I just need to say that I’m sorry for being a pest. For lurking so far up your ass and hitting the bottoms of your feeds so much. For applying more pressure than you need. For reading fakey gossip and making bold assumptions. For forgetting that you’re human just like me.

I’ve made these mistakes, and I don’t know how to make them right. I’m still out here learning too––

And what I’ve realized is that to move forward, I have to  step away.

I see your posts and fawn, and then I have to turn and leave. Suppress the urges to tease and make fun, to shout profanities, to post about what I wish I could do to you or you to me.

A well wish is all I can give you.

“Have a nice day,” and “Do your best,” is so fucking vanilla but it’s what I want you to hear from me. Something soft, loving and easy.

Something that will undoubtedly go unnoticed.

And I’m fine with that (most days).

You don’t have to acknowledge me, you don’t have to recognize me.

Because I want you, but I don’t.

I don’t know what would happen if thisbecame real. If you suddenly become realto me in my real life. Real, real, real. It’s seriously unimaginable.

Not because I’m me or anything.

But because you’re you.

I can picture myself beside you, but I doubt you could with me.

That sounds so pathetic but–– I don’t know!

I’ll never know, unless youtell me. Or I tell you and you tell me. Or we end up in one of those fanfiction slow-burn roommate!AUs. Unrealistic, but romantic.

And this is the point of it all, I guess.

I want to tell you, “hey! I love you!” because I have to know what could happen next. Not that I’m expecting anything grandiose. I’m just hoping for a chance that you’ll listen to me and accept the feelings I’m giving you.

I just want you to hear me, so I can get rid of it.

So here, take it! Here it is! Do with my heart what you will!

I’m sick of hiding behind a screen, but too scared to show you my face.

Just take this pretty moment, remember me like this, and let me know what you think in 5-7 business days.

I’ll be waiting like I always have. Never too high on my toes or too relaxed in my bed. Leave it all to chance–– Can you believe I don’thave notifications set up for you?

You don’t own me!

And now that I’ve managed to give you a hard time figuring out what to do with my feelings, I’ll move on to the last part.

Happy Birthday, Tom Holland.

I’m so happy to have seen you grow on-screen and off. I’m incredibly proud of your achievements, and baffled by your impact. Keep fucking growing, dude! This is your time to thrive. All with your bare fucking hands. Fucking wild.

I can’t even compare myself to you––

But anyway, I hope you’ve had a nice day or night or whatever the hell. Please get some good rest tonight and tomorrow night, and all the nights onward. Take time to take care of yourself and brush your teeth.

And thank you for being your being here for me.

I hope you can take my words and turn it into strength and support, no matter how you deem to view it. It’s only to remind you that someone cares, after all.

Yeah, so before I dig myself a deeper hole, I’ll end this letter here. A reply would mean the world to me, and even if you don’t, I wouldn’t hold it against you.

You’re a busy guy, I know.

Thanks, Tom.

You have all my love.

Sincerely,

Yours Truly

-

-

-

-

-

A/N: and that’s it!  really raw and kinda exposing who i am lol. You can make your own assumptions of what happened next. What perspective did you read this in? Did you actually send the letter? Did he reply? (is the reply the title of this fic?) Hahaha, I don’t really know what this is. I just felt like writing a love letter. Please let me know what you think! Did it work? Did it make sense? Thanks for reading :)

Please like, comment, reblog, subscribe and turn on bell notifications!! Haha

Peace out ✌🏼

Madmadmilk

[deonghwa-moved]

#MONSTAXINLA Concert Experience part 2

Here’s part 2 of the concert experience post. This will contain feelings/emotions about each member, hi touch and send off. This is going to be really long but I hope you can all enjoy it. ^^

  Part 1

I’m going to write this in order of members age (except Kihyun, I will leave him for last; don’t worry you’ll see why).

Shownu: It’s true what many people say about him, no photo or video does him justice on how beautiful he is. He’s bright, toned, glows and glistens. He’s also super cute and dorky. His smile is super reassuring, like a proud dad. Every time Shownu went to my side of the stage, he’d do this cute little waddle. His ment was also the cutest and funniest thing. Of course, he compares us to food! I don’t mind being Shownu’s vegetables and patty though. Protect and love this leader at all costs. ;-;

Wonho: As my bias, you think I’d have my attention on him all the time. But where I was standing, I actually couldn’t see him that well. So I could only see him on the big screens or when he went onto the extended stage (where I was at). I will say when you first see him, it’s overwhelming. This man could come out onto the stage wearing little to no clothing, something super revealing, shirtless, whatever, and yet he’s the cutest cutie patootie baby angel in the world. He truly knows how to make wonbebes suffer. I mean this man literally took off his shirt-bam abs, oh wow, he’s so toned and muscular wow-acts like a baby and does aegyo…..he truly does not give us a rest. His duality is everywhere! Also Wonho spoke in English in the beginning of his ment. It was beautiful and thoughtful, you could tell he really thought about this. He worked so hard to improve his English and it was so touching, beautiful, heart warming to listen to him.

Minhyuk: I’d say this concert made me fall in love with him, even more than I originally did. And this actually applies to most of the members. Which is why I say, you can’t have one bias in this group-you love them all equally in the end. And Minhyuk proves that. There’s something about his stage presence that makes you feel so warm, soft, bubbly and happy. Just seeing him up there on that stage smiling, laughing, having a good time being amongst his members. As well as his shenanigans with the members (like trying to take off Hyungwon’s shirt). He has such a lovely and cute stage presence and I love him for that.

Hyungwon: Did I honestly see him? Is he actually real? Is he human? A fairy? An angel? A god? He can’t be human….I even touched his hand twice….I still don’t believe he’s real. Questions and jokes aside, this man is BEAUTIFUL. He really shines when he’s on stage. He’s also quite the jokester and plays around with Minhyuk and Wonho a lot. I think that’s Hyungwon’s charms though. He doesn’t seem like he’s from this world-as if he was created and sculptured amongst gods. But then he jokes around and plays with everyone. And I loved that about him…..still not convinced he’s real though. XD

Joohoney: This man’s stage presence is terrifyingly powerful and strong! You know every time he’s on that stage. His charisma, his talent, it’s all so overwhelming. One minute he’s out there ready to destroy the stage; the next, he’s the softest little angel you’ve ever seen. His dimples are so cute irl! :( Also his stage with I.M was brutally amazing. I never knew he was into playing the drums until this tour. I love how he tries to get the crowd to join him whenever it required chanting. He really knows how to get the audience involved and I loved that so much from him.

Changkyun: Oh boy, what can I say about him? Keep that tongue in your mouth, calm those hip movements, and stop trying to ruin the bias list, sir. We’ve already established that everyone in mx is my bias….you can calm down now. He’s ferocious! He’s funny, over the top, intense, a play boy on the stage. I feel like Changkyun was really feeling himself that night. His dancing has so much power and intensity to it compared to the others and I was astonished. He gets you so involved with the performances, especially when he was on the extended stage.

Kihyun: I’m saving Kihyun for last because I have A LOT to say about him. First of all, I’m sure every monbebe by now has heard of his situation. I found out about this when I was waiting in line to go into the Staples Center and my heart dropped. I felt emotionally and physically ill. Someone as energetic, as charismatic, as driven as Yoo Kihyun…with a fractured rib. To be honest, I was so scared to see him on that stage. I knew he wasn’t going to dance but I was worried to see him. Was he going to be okay? Will he manage? Shouldn’t he rest instead? Is he blaming himself for all of this? 

And then there he was, walking down the steps with his brothers, then separating himself to his chair. It was definitely sad to see him so far separated from them but it made sense considering how intense MX’s choreography is. Yet, despite him not being able to dance with them, he pulled off such an amazing performance throughout the entire concert. This man sang his heart out and I will say, listening to Kihyun’s voice irl is an experience from another world. His vocals are beautiful, strong, intense. He pulled through hard. I truly wish I had my fancams bc I took a lot of him. Why? They kept putting his chair by my side of the stage. From time to time I would see the other members, but then my attention kept going back to him. Is he okay? Does he know how proud we are of him? I couldn’t help but to get emotional and cry when I saw him because I was so proud. He kept trying to reassure us by waving to us and saying thank you. He also tried to join his brothers with light choreo with some of the “calmer” stages (except for Oh My and Rodeo he really went for it then). 

I have so much respect for Kihyun. I feel like I was blessed that night when I saw him. Seeing how he pulled through with the concert, despite his fracture; he was there for his brothers and for us monbebes. I have such an admiration for Kihyun, I love that man so much. I’m thankful for being born the same day as this angel. I’m thankful to him for giving me hope for my future. As long as I can push through all my hardships like Kihyun, I can find happiness in my life. I can do anything and it’s all thanks to this man. That’s also why I recently bought his twotuckgom bracelet (well we do have the same bday…) But I always want to look at it and be reminded about how strong he was that day to go through a 3hr+ concert, to go through this whole tour, and to be as strong and energetic as he always is. Thank you so much for everything Yoo Kihyun. Thank you for existing and being an important part in my life.

Hi touch/Send off

I’m putting these two together bc it was really short! I think it was extra short bc we were already there for 4hrs, also I’m sure they wanted Kihyun to get out of there, and the members needed to rest for the following day’s performance. I don’t remember the order of the members but I do remember Shownu was first. He has the cutest smile and gives such a firm dad high five. Changkyun and Minhyuk were quick, Hyungwon…still don’t believe he’s real after touching his hand but damn he’s tall and beautiful. Joohoney had such a big smile with those adorable dimples. Wonho, he kept his head low but I noticed something about him. He was so gentle giving his high five and instead of immediately removing his hand, he swiped his fingers through mine very quick and gently. Such big hands with a tender loving touch. My wish is to do a fansign and one day get that experience of holding his hand. If he’s that calm and delicate then…I can only imagine a fansign. I can still remember his touch 3 days later…

For send off, I do have a video for it here, feel free to go watch that. Like I said it was short, extra short compared to the other stops and I’m pretty sure it may have to do with the reasons I gave previously. They didn’t have a lot of time to say or do anything with us, although Joohoney tried to be playful with everyone. Kihyun was clenching his chest at this point and I think a part of it could be the meds wearing off and he started to feel pain; another part of it was due to all of us wishing him for a full recovery and rest. I couldn’t give my gift to Wonho but it’s okay, especially considering the time and situation. Other fans tried to give gifts as well but it didn’t work out. Oh well, I can always mail it. ^^

And that was my concert experience. I deeply apologize for being the stupidest person alive and deleting my footage….at least I learned for their next concert, don’t attempt to free up space during a concert and if recording with instagram….just post everything, don’t attempt to save it. lol

Overall though, it was so much fun. I’m incredibly thankful for this being my first MX concert and being amongst a wonderful fandom. I feel determined now to handle college coming up soon and any other challenges in life. Thank you MX, thank you for making my night and my entire life brighter with your existence. 

[secretly-a-plant]

PRB 2019 15-1

Here is my contribution to the @phandomreversebang 2019! I had a lot of fun writing this fic and I would like to thank @loyal-phan and @sublimehowlter for being an amazing artist and beta! 

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19930063

The first thing that I register after hitting the damp pavement is that someone is frantically apologizing to me. When I open my eyes I see a tall dark-haired, blue-eyed man offering me a hand. I take it. His hands are smooth and warm, and I realize that I might have been holding on a second longer than acceptable.

“Oh god, I am so sorry!” I’m startled out of my embarrassment by another wave of hurried apologies.

“I was just walking Simon,” at that, I look down to a very adorable corgi sitting obediently at the man's feet “and I wasn’t paying attention and next thing I know-” “Can I pet your dog?” 

“Can you-? Um, yeah. Sure” 

I bend down and start scratching the dog, evidently named Simon, behind his ears.

“What a good boy you are! What a sweet boy.” I hear the man laughing and quickly stand up my cheeks bright red.

“Sorry,” I mumble

“No, it’s alright! I act the same way whenever I see a dog. I should be the one apologizing, your clothes are all wet now.”

“It’s alright, I was on my way home from work anyway.”

“Are you sure? I feel terrible about it.”

‘No really it’s fine, uh,” I break off not sure what his name is.

“Phil.” He supplies with a smile.

“It’s alright Phil.”

“Well, if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. It was nice running into you, Phil.”

“Yeah, nice seeing you.”

---

By the time I get home my legs are starting to chafe from the wet denim. It’s alright though, the cute dog more than made up for it. It’s a good thing it happened on my way home from work, however. It would have been hell waiting tables all day with wet jeans. And as kind as my boss is, she never goes easy on us. Especially on Sundays, which just so happens to be our busiest day. 

After a delicious yet slightly pathetic dinner of cold pizza, thoughts of Phil and his dog invade my brain. Out of curiosity I pull out my phone and type Phil into the Instagram search bar. Of course, millions of results pop up. I didn’t have high hopes, but there was a small part of me holding on to the hope that I might be able to find his account using only his first name.

After my fruitless Instagram search, I find myself drifting towards my bed, despite it only being around 9:45. Oh well, long day I guess.  Surprisingly, since it normally takes me ages to fall asleep, I find my eyes drifting shut the minute I hit the mattress.

---

I wake up early, for once, which means I actually have time to enjoy my morning rather than throwing on yesterday’s clothes and quite literally running out the door. I take my time getting out of bed, stopping to look at my phone and take time to wake up. When I finally reach my small kitchen (which didn’t take very long considering how small my flat is) I realize that I have no coffee. I let out a disgruntled sigh as I come to terms with the fact that if I want caffeine, which I do, that I’ll have to head to work early putting my lazy morning to a halt. I grab my keys and head out.

I take my time walking to work, choosing to take the scenic route. Rather than the normal path I take, which has a superb view of trash cans and shady alleyways, today's route is lined with shops and restaurants and a Starbucks. The prospect of going and getting a latte of some sort seems much more appealing than getting a black coffee in a chipped mug. The minute I walk in I’m hit with a wave of warm air. A pleasant contrast to the icy weather outside. I start to head up to the counter, but I stop in my tracks when I come face to face with a pair of familiar blue eyes. 

“Dan!” Phil says with a smile on his face. “What a coincidence!”

I find a smile growing on my face, what can I say? Something about his unwavering happiness is infectious.

“Oh, hi Phil!”

“Can I get you a coffee? I mean obviously, I’m assuming that's why you're here.”

“Uh-” I don’t come here very often, and the combination of my awkwardness in social situations and my lack of familiarity with the menu has me tripping over my words. “Surprise me? Just something with caffeine please.”

“You got it,” Phil responds with a chuckle. I start to pull out my wallet but he cuts me off. “Don’t worry about it, this one’s on the house.”

“It’s fine Phil, really.”

“No seriously, it’s the least I can do after running you over yesterday.”

“Well if you insist. I’ve never been one to turn down free coffee.” I say with a small laugh. 

Phil smiles, before motioning over at the station. “Well if that’s all, I’m just going to go make your coffee.” He awkwardly gestures before walking away. I pull out my phone, scrolling through my Instagram feed while I wait for my coffee. After a few minutes, I see Phil walking back over with a cup in his hand. He hands it to me and looks up expectantly, waiting for me to take a sip. 

“Jesus Phil, this is incredible! What is this?” He laughs

“Caramel Macchiato. My personal favorite.”

“Well if your choice in drinks is always this good you're going to have to surprise me again next time.” My phone buzzes with an alarm reminding me that I have obligations. 

“Oh shit, I have to go, hopefully, I’ll run into you again soon.”

“Yeah, see you soon.”

It’s not until I’m almost at work that I notice a phone number messily scrawled onto the side of my cup.

---

I spend the majority of my break writing and deleting texts to Phil. He’s cute, there's no denying that, and he gave me his number, but it was probably just a friendly gesture. He seems like the type of person who makes friends with everyone. After many texts that I decide are either cringy, boring, or a combination of the two I settled on a simple but reliable ‘Hi its dan :)” and force myself to press send. I spend the last few minutes of my break opening and closing my phone and jumping every time my phone dings. In order to keep the anxiety at bay, I keep reminding myself that he’s at work;  it makes sense if he doesn’t respond. Just because I’m on my break doesn’t mean he’s on his. Eventually, I have to go back to work, leaving my phone and a supposedly unread text in the pocket of my jacket. 

 All throughout the rest of my shift, my walk home, and while making and eating dinner, I try and fail, to forget about my text to Phil. Finally, after I’ve eaten and sunk into my bed for some quality binge-watching time, my phone buzzes. As I reach over, it buzzes again. And then a third time. I laugh to myself as I open my messages to see three texts from Phil.

Hi!!! soz I took so long to reply ^-^ 

have a dog to make up for it

what a good boy!

Is that simon???? 

yes! Im surprised you remembered his name lol

hes the reason i knocked you down yesterday 

well if hes the reason i really cant complain

in fact i feel blessed to have been knocked down by that angel

maybe youd want to meet him again? maybe this time without ending up on the ground lol

I hesitate what to say to that, it feels risky meeting up with Phil. Even if he seems friendly, I did only meet him yesterday. But I also don’t want to pass up the opportunity to get to know him better. 

um yes?

Yay! do you want to meet up tomorrow? Im off of work

yee

starbucks?

sure, me and simon cant wait :)

We end up texting for a while after that. Originally we were just arranging a time to meet, but it slowly turned into Phil asking me about my job, which led to many other things. The more I talked to Phil the more I liked him. We had very similar interests. We had the same taste in video games, music, and even takeaway places. Not to mention talking to Phil felt easy. Social interaction isn't exactly my forte, but with Phil, the conversation flowed smoothly. It would be nice to have a friend outside of work. I love my coworkers and my boss, but it’s not really the same. Besides, the diner is more a family to me than anything. Finally, the conversation winds down, both of us beginning to fall asleep. Even though I’m no longer texting him, I can’t stop thinking about Phil as I fall asleep. 

---

The next day is sunny. A welcome change from the perpetual moistness that has haunted London for the last few days. I spend most of the morning laying in bed scrolling through social media. Not the healthiest past time I’ll admit, but once I get started on the Instagram explore page it’s hard to tear myself away. Eventually, I look at the time and realize that I only have about an hour before I’m supposed to meet Phil. After five more minutes, I drag myself out of bed and towards the shower. 

Several outfit changes later, Starbucks is finally within my line of vision. I check the time to see that I still have a few minutes before Phil is due to get here so I take a seat on a bench and resume my scrolling. Not long after I sit down, however, I am attacked by a bundle of saliva and tan fur, accompanied by frantic calls of “Simon down!”. 

“Hello there!” I say bringing my hands up to try and protect myself from the onslaught of dog. 

“I’m so sorry about him, normally he’s so well behaved, I don’t know why he always jumps on you.”

“It’s really not a problem, Phil,” I say laughing. 

“Well if you insist I guess. Do you want a coffee or anything while we're here?”

“I’m fine, I don’t want to keep you and Simon waiting.”

“Oh, well if you don’t mind I thought you could stay out here with Simon and I could go in and order.”

“I mean I’m always up for hanging out with dogs, but I really can’t have you buying me another coffee.”

“Seriously Dan, it’s fine. Think of it as a gift from Simon. Besides, I have an employee discount.”

I shrug, smiling. I take Simon’s leash from Phil and sit back down.

“Oh, Dan, what do you want?” I find myself breaking into a giant grin, enough to make my dimples pop. 

“Surprise me.”

---

Two sugary coffees later and more walking then I do on a normal day, Phil and I are tossing tennis balls at a dog park. 

“This is one of my favourite places to go with him,” Phil says, gesturing at Simon. “It’s a nice change of pace to be outside rather than stuck on a pavement block all day.”

“Mm. What else do you like to do in your spare time?”

“Uh, well, to be honest, I don’t really go outside that much. I pretty much spend the rest of my time staying inside on the internet.” 

“Me neither to be honest, I spend most of my free time participating in online Mario Kart tournaments, as sad as that seems.”

“You play Mario Kart? We should race sometime.” “Only if you want to lose, Philip.”

“Oh really? Pretty confident for never having seen me play.”

“While I guess we’ll have to change that.”

“It’s a date. Well I mean, not a date date, unless you wanted to. But I mean, I don’t want to presume-”

“Phil, Phil, don’t worry, a date sounds nice. Although, to be honest, I’ve never been asked on a Mario Kart date before. But it does sound much more my style than a fancy dinner. “

“Me too, I’m not much of an extrovert. Oh shit, it’s getting dark. I should probably head home, but I’ll text you yeah?” 

“Yeah sounds great. And Phil?”

“Yeah?” “I definitely prefer your company to video games.”

---

It takes a couple of weeks to find a date that works for both of us, first because of work, and then Phil got sick, and then I got sick. But, on the bright side, we spend almost all of that time texting and face timing, and occasionally I run into him at Starbucks when I’m grabbing a coffee. Unfortunately, my minimum wage and tips don’t cover daily overpriced coffee, even if it means I get to see a very nice, attractive, person. 

On the bright side, we did eventually find a time. That time happens to be tonight, and to say I’m nervous would be an understatement. I end up spending about 45 minutes sorting through every article of clothing that I own before finally settling on jeans and a jumper, an outfit that is safe but far from extraordinary. After getting dressed I spend longer than necessary trying to get my hair to cooperate. Eventually, I just give up and call a cab. One extremely awkward cab ride later and I’m standing outside Phil’s door.  I take a deep breath and raise my hand but before I get a chance to knock the door swings open.

“Dan! Hi! Come in, I’m sorry about the mess, I tried to clean but it's still pretty untidy.” I look down at my feet to see Simon wagging his tail excitedly. “It’s alright, my apartment is probably twice as bad.” As I walk into Phil’s flat and take my shoes off I notice that every surface is covered in something. The bookshelves are covered in plushies and figurines, the windowsills are adorned with plants in a questionable state of health, and the couch has a colourful blue and green quilt draped over the back. All in all, it just looks very Phil. 

“If you want you can have a seat on the couch and I can order a pizza. What type do you like?” I’m startled out of my thoughts by Phil’s voice. I smile, feeling more content with my life then I have in a long time. 

“Surprise me.”

~10 years later~

“The last ten years haven’t been easy. There’s been ups and downs, fortunately mostly ups. But you have been by my side for all of it. People and places have changed but you have remained a constant. I don’t know what life will bring, but I know I want you to be with me. I want to fall asleep next to you every night and wake up next to you every morning. So, Phil Lester, will you marry me?”

[porterblt]

Birds and Bees

Right now, I’m sitting on my front porch. It’s 7:30, Everett has been asleep for 30 minutes, there’s a slight breeze, and I hear the birds chirping. And faint sounds of Tommy banging on a piano across the street.

It’s strange and quiet. It’s a Saturday night and Chris and I have no plans. That in itself isn’t new, but.....we have people we could hang out with. We have places we could go. I called my parents, Becca, and Julie....all busy. Katie and Morgan are having a game night with their close friends, who just got vaccinated. It’s so strange. I’m used to night after night, no plans, nothing really to look forward to. I’ve stopped wondering long ago what my friends were up to and just got used to the daily routine of keeping Everett alive, then doing nothing at the end of the day.

Chris and I were lamenting the fact that we can’t just go out to a brewery or eat outside at a restaurant, because Everett is sleeping (and all of our babysitting options are busy). I guess this is our first time having some sort of FOMO with a kid. When he was first born, we knew that we weren’t missing out on much because everyone was locked away at home. This is just a new feeling that I guess we’ll have to get used to?

My anger reared its ugly head again this week. I saw an instagram post and in the comments were new moms humble-bragging about not living their lives any differently this past year and “not living in fear like all you sheep.” That shit makes me SO ANGRY. I quickly jumped on and smacked some bitches (verbally, of course)....but then, predictably, someone angrily replied, then I angrily replied, and it went back and forth several times. My righteous anger slowly fizzled away and I felt left looking like an angry Karen. The girl whose original comment I replied to hopped on and actually responded in a less judgy way..she acknowledged that I was hurting and had empathy for me, but also was upset at my jumping all over her. That really made me feel convicted. After I cooled off I realized that all those people on the internet that I like to jump all over are...actual people on the other side of the screen. It felt right to delete my comments and apologize to the OP. She thanked me and sent me encouraging words. It was healing, in a way.

Speaking of, I started with my new counselor, Tracey. She’s really nice, and I like her style. She actively listens, doesn’t fill the need to awkwardly fill space, asks me additional questions to keep me engaged, and has a better camera so it feels more personal than Zoom. I feel good about it! I’m really hoping that she can help me work through things and adjust better than Sarah did back in June.

Unrelated, I’m going to Washington state next week to testify in a trial for a soldier who was sexually assaulted in 2019. I don’t really remember doing her exam, but I remember the narrative. I did some court prep over the phone with Bonnie present, and they asked me a bunch of questions. I was pretty nervous, but Bonnie said that I did a good job with my answers. So intimidating!! I feel like I should be more excited, but I’m just not particularly excited about being away from Chris and Everett for several days. Everett has not been sleeping well for the past three weeks so I feel bad about leaving Chris to deal with that. I’m also going to have to pump every 3 hours, which is going to be such a huge pain while I’m spending the day in multiple airports. Plus my actual trial day! But I’m going to try to make the most of it. On the bright side, I’m getting a free trip to WA and the week off of work! lol.

Parenting Everett has become more of a joy every day. He’s always been a cute baby, but right now he is SO. CUTE. He just gives me these crinkly-nosed smiles with his little teeth and his happy little eyes. He’ll give a little giggle and start growling. I thought I would love the baby months so much, but they’ve been so so so difficult and isolating. The more independent he’s becoming, the more like myself I’m feeling. It’s become very obvious that self-care is essential for me to function well (read: not have constant meltdowns) and with him relying on us for every single tiny thing, it was very emotionally draining. Now he just LOVES exploring every nook and cranny of the house, going outside and picking up little sticks and leaves, banging his toys together and on every surface, and seeing familiar faces. It’s just so fun and he is getting so independent. It makes my heart swell with joy when he learns a new skill. Tonight, for the first time, he grabbed his little water cup and took a sip. We’ve always held it up to his mouth for him, he’s never actually held it by himself before. And he was so nonchalant about it! Like, little things just randomly happen and it’s like...wow!! Today for the first time I also saw him put a toy in a box, then pull it back out again. Normally he’ll pull all the toys out, and start to put them back in but just keep holding on to the toy and then pull it back out again. I’ve never seen him just drop a toy into a box.

It’s the little things!!!

Final thoughts before my laptop dies: When I think about this time last year, a get a pit in my stomach. I was so pregnant, so scared, so sad. I should’ve been able to go out in public those last few weeks and show off my pregnant belly and cute maternity clothes. I should’ve been nervous and excited, not terrified. I should’ve had my classes teaching me how to expect and breathe through pain during child birth. I should’ve had my parents there at the hospital. I should’ve had my best friends visit me and meet my newborn son. I should’ve had my parents waiting for us when we got home, helping us put things away and clean up the house. Holding Everett so I could shower, or change clothes, or take a nap, or go on a walk. Literally fucking anything.

But I didn’t. This time last year, I cried every day and hid away inside. We had to put in orders for grocery pickups two weeks in advance. We had to wipe down everything with bleach wipes before it came in the house. We had to talk to our friends from several feet away with masks on our faces. I had to stare at my parents with tears in my eyes and not hug them even though I was on the brink of losing it.

Agh. I have to shake my head and try to get those memories out. It’s just too painful.

[spideyxchelle]

HI!!! So I know you are really busy with prompts and stuff but I was wondering if you could do one that is a social media head canon between peter and michelle? like maybe peter posts loads of photos he takes of her when they get together and and they dm late in to the night?? ned is frustrated with them and subtweets that friends are annoying when they don't confront their feels? idk just some ideas.... THANK YOU!

i gave you nothing on friday. so this is for y’all. and lols, poooor Ned. i’m so glad that we’ve all universally agreed that Ned is over it. the most over it smol in all of smol-dom. 

peter parker is not in love with mj. really. he’s not. he just likes to take pictures of her. because they’re friends. and, sure, he buys his first really expensive camera with the express purpose to take pictures of mj but that doesn’t mean he’s in love with her. 

and she’s definitely not in love with him. and yes, she knows hates pictures because she thinks they’re a dumb waste of her time but she always makes time for peter to take pictures of her. but that doesn’t mean shit. it just means that she’s a decent friend.

and, sure, both of their instagram feeds are mostly of each other. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY ARE DATING. or anything else. in the feelings department. 

but Ned is not convinced. on any of the things. because he can’t go anywhere without them taking pictures together or peter tweeting about something funny mj did. or mj snapchatting peter tripping. its constant. its a constant stream of peterchelle nonsense. NONSENSE.

and he’s in peterchelle hell. and he’s not miserable but it is maddening. 

or at least that’s what he tells mj when she comes stomping into school with her teeth barred, demanding answers from him, “is this tweet supposed to be about me, Leeds?” he squeaks, “what..what tweet?”

“you retweeted this.” and he doesn’t have to squint at the phone suddenly in his face to read the tweet. because he retweeted it. and he retweeted it about her and peter. but its not his fault. he had to take some kind of action. like, seriously, a man can only take being subjected to so much giggly DMing at three in the morning when he is trying to be the guy in the chair. its driving him slowly insane. 

the bright screen reads: tfw when your friends wanna bone and but act like they don’t #iseeyouvillain  

Ned gives mj his most charming smile and because she’s highkey threatening it comes out more like a terrified grimace, “oh, yea, that.” “oh yea that,” she condescends back, “delete it, ned. like half the school follows you on twitter because of that tiger mascot thing.” ned has a lot of insightful commentary about the school mascot. he’s a bit of an online midtown high legend for it. so, she’s not wrong. he’s got a strong base of followers from their school.

“no one thinks its about you two,” he sputters. she narrows her eyes into slits, “i’ve had five people ask me about it, ned. FIVE.”

to make matter worse, peter picks that moment to come skidding around the corner. he looks like he’s been pressed through a car wash and only just came out the other side. so, you know, frazzled, “did you tweet about me and mj?” he asks. and mj throws her hands up in the air. 

“hang on,” ned tries to play it off like its no-big-deal. news flash. its a big deal, “what makes you guys think that its about you, huh? you, um, wanna tell me anything?” 

peter pales and mj looks furious. which is how he knows he’s gotten under their skin. and then, a warning bell flares in the back of his mind, “hang on a minute. actually? did you guys, like, actually–”

“shut up, ned,” peter says too quickly and his voice is a ringing squeak. mj cuts her eyes to peter and ned thinks, oh boy if looks could kill. 

“when?” ned says too loudly. and mj looks one outburst away from exploding. peter hisses under his breath, “like five minutes ago. keep it down.” “FIVE MINUTES AGO?!” ned says even louder. 

and mj bites down on the inside of her lip which makes ned collapse his shoulders and apologize, “sorry. five minutes ago?” 

mj lifts her chin defiantly, “if the whole school was gonna talk about us, i was gonna give them something to talk about.” 

there is a beat of silence.

ned bursts out, “i gotta tweet this.” 

“NED!” “damn it, Leeds.” his friends say at the same time. 

but ned already has his phone out and is tweeting, not subtweeting: mj totally just kissed peter. or peter just kissed mj. unclear. will update as story progresses. 

it sounds like almost every phone in the school hallway goes off at once. and mj jumps on ned’s back.

which, god damn it, is really cute. so peter takes out his phone to grab a picture. this has to go on instagram. 

[jasondo000]

Thoughts

Seeing those pictures made me realize how I still feel about everything. Like how I feel about you. It still feels weird seeing you out and about. It gives off the vibe that you’re better off without me..You look so happy. If you asked me about us 6 months ago, I would have imagined that we were happy in love, not where we are now. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had my fair share of tears, frustration, and just general confusion about everything that happened that night. Nothing like having a rough day only to have it end in a break up. 

On the bright side, it was also a realization of how much progress I’ve made. Jimmy texted me about your instagram photo, asking me where I was and about your outfit lol. And honestly, I was surprised at how accepting I was of it. I shouldn’t mind how much of your skin you show if the outfit is appropriate. I should be happy to show you off and to show the world what a beautiful person I think you are. So yay. Steps towards improvement. I still haven’t told Jimmy about us. And I’m not sure how. I haven’t told many people. But I learned this week that Khoi has told a certain amount of people about us. Makes me wonder how many people actually know now.

Speaking of you and Khoi, that one picture of you and him made me wonder if he still has feelings for you. Seeing you two posing so close and looking like a couple brings me back to that time back in 2014 when I was convinced he was mystery man…lol. I shouldn’t be jealous, right..? 

I’ve also noticed that when I try to start a conversation, I get ignored after a few replies. They don’t even get read. I really wish you answered my facebook message about it. I don’t know if you want me to check up on you every once in a while. Like, do you want us to just forget about each other until we start talking out of the blue again? Would you rather we catch up a little bit every so often? I wish I knew how to handle this distance between us. It feels as though you’re slowly just phasing me out. My photos have slowly begun to be deleted from your instagram and all that. AHHH. Overthinking again. Sometimes I think I have a mental condition. Like does anyone else even think about random shit like me? Ugh, man…Why do I even bother to write about you like this when I don’t even know if you feel the same anymore. I feel so pathetic. Are you still hung up on me like I am on you? Baby steps, baby steps. Take it slow, Jason. One day you’re going to be ready for her to speak to you again. And at that time, you’ll know whether she is willing to give you another shot or not. Just, be patient and mature about it. 

I need to keep my eye on what to do to be better in a relationship. A boyfriend shouldn’t suppress his partner. He should be encouraging, nurturing, and enthusiastic. What happened to me? I tried to remember what did I do that made her so happy when we first got together? That year of 2015 was the best year I’ve ever had in a relationship. 1, way less fighting. 2, I got to see her so often, it let us really build our relationship together. 3, I felt like I was able to put in so much more effort. Number 3 is the one I’d like to work on next.

I remember what you said about me when you left. “I’ve missed you for a long time”. At the time I thought I was still me, but when I stepped back and thought about it, that wasn’t me. Hit me like a brick wall. HOLY SHIT. So dumb. She wants you to respect her and be more understanding. The world doesn’t revolve around you, and you’re not hot shit. Wake the fuck up and fuckin realize that the GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU TELLING YOU HOW TO KEEP HER AND YOURE FUCKING IT UP. AHHH. You’re fucking dumb ugh wowowow. Self-rant over.

I realized that one of the things that helps keep your partner happy is to continue courting her throughout the relationship. Like surprising her with things, taking her out on dates, all that. I really regret not doing all those things more often. Though, to my credit, I did make an active effort to taking her out more often. I guess I took the wrong approach, asking for her weekends. I should have just settled for having our dates on weekdays instead of fighting so hard for weekends. That’s what caused a lot of our fights. Ugh. What a stupid reason to fight. I’m so stupid. Baby, I’m sorry for the shit I did. This post has gone on way too long now, but foreal, I was so stupid. I’m so happy that after all the shit I pulled, you still even acknowledge me. 

Remember, Jason. Encouraging, nurturing, enthusiastic. If she gives you another chance, look back at this post, and don’t lose sight again of keeping her happy.