#one guy tried to tell me he was a good catholic so he didnt need to pay up fromt nd wpuld pay after bc he would never swindle us

[vampyrluver]

Cried for the first time at work, mean customers

[bogkeep]

hmmmmmmmmmm maybe i’ll write an Introspective Musing Post about my relationship to religion and their depiction in stories because i’ve pondering about this topic lately

so for those who are reading this and DON’T know what’s been going on...  there’s this webcomic i fell in love with some years ago, about six years actually, that depicts a post-apocalyptic fantasy/horror adventure set in the nordic countries. it had, and has still, some very uncomfortable flaws regarding racial representation, and the creator has historically not dealt very well with criticism towards it. it’s a whole Thing. my relationship with this comic has fluctuated a lot, since there are a lot of elements in it i DO love and i still feel very nostalgic about, and like idk i felt like i trust my skills in critical thinking enough to keep reading. aaand then the creator went a teensy bit off the deep end created a whole minicomic which is like... a lukewarm social media dystopia where christians are oppressed (and also everyone is a cute bunny, including our lord and saviour jesus christ). which is already tonedeaf enough considering there are religious people who DO get prosecuted for their faith, like, that’s an actual reality for a lot of people - but as far as i can tell, usually not christians. and then there’s an afterword that’s like, “anyway i got recently converted and realized i’m a disgusting human being full of sin who doesn’t deserve redemption but jesus loves me so i’ll be fine!! remember to repent for your sins xoxo” and a bunch of other stuff and IT’S KIND OF REALLY CONCERNING i have, uh, been habitually looking at the reactions to and discussions around this, maybe it’s not very self care of me but there’s a lot of overwhelming things rn and it’s fantastically distracting, yknow? like, overall this situation is fairly reminiscent of the whole jkr thing. creator of a series that is Fairly Beloved, does something hurtful, handles backlash in a weird way, a lot of people start taking distance from Beloved Series or find ways to enjoy it on their own terms, creator later reveals to have been fully radicalized and releases a whole manifesto, and any and all criticism gets framed as harassment and proving them right. of course, one of them is a super rich person with a LOT of media power and a topic that is a lot more destructive in our current zeitgeist, and the other is an independent webcomic creator, so it’s  not the same situation. just similar vibez ya feel as a result of this, i have been Thinking. and just this feels like some sort of defeat like god dammit she got me i AM thinking about the topic she wrote about!!! i should dismiss the whole thing!!! but thinking about topics is probably a good thing so hey lets go. me, i’m agnostic. i understand that this is a ‘lazy’ position to take, but it’s what works for me. i simply do not vibe with organized religion, personally. (i had the wikipedia page for ‘chaos magic’ open in a tab for several weeks, if that helps.) i was raised by atheists in a majorly atheist culture. christian atheist, i should specify. norway has been mostly and historically lutheran, and religion has usually been a private and personal thing. it turns out the teacher i had in 7th grade was mormon, but i ONLY found out because he showed up in a tv series discussing religious groups in norway later, and he was honestly one of the best teachers i have ever had - he reignited the whole class’ interest in science, math, and dungeons and dragons. it was a real “wait WHAT” moment for my teenage self. i think i was briefly converted to christianity by my friend when i was like 7, who grew up in a christian family (i visited them a couple times and always forgot they do prayers before dinner. oops!), but like, she ALSO made me believe she was the guardian of a secret magic orb that controls the entire world and if i told anybody the world would burn down in 3 seconds. i only suspected something was off when one day the Orb ran on batteries, and another day the Orb had to be plugged in to charge. in my defense i really wanted to be part of a cool fantasy plot. i had no idea how to be a christian beyond “uuuuh believe in god i guess” so it just faded away on its own. when i met this friend several years later, she was no longer christian. i think every childhood friend of mine who grew up in a christian family, was no longer christian when they grew up. most notably my closest internet friend whose family was catholic - she had several siblings, and each of them took a wildly different path, from hippie treehugger to laveyan satanist or something in that area. (i joined them for a sermon in a church when they visited my town. my phone went off during it because i had forgotten to silence it. oops!) ((i also really liked their mother’s interpretation of purgatory. she explained it as a bath, not fire. i like that.)) i have never had any personal negative experiences with christianity, despite being openly queer/gay/trans. the only time someone has directly told me i’m going to hell was some guy who saw me wearing a hoodie on norway’s constitution day. yeah i still remember that you bastard i’ve sworn to be spiteful about it till the day i die!! i’ve actually had much more insufferable interactions with the obnoxious kind of atheists - like yes yes i agree with you on a lot but that doesn’t diminish your ability to be an absolute hypocrite, it turns out? i remember going to see the movie ‘noah’ with a friend who had recently discovered reddit atheism and it was just really exhausting to discuss it with her. one of these Obnoxious Atheists is my Own Mother. which is a little strange, honestly, because she LOVES visiting churches for the Aesthetic and Architecture. we cannot go anywhere without having to stop by a pretty church to Admire and Explore. I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY CHURCHES FOR AN ATHEIST RAISED NON-CHRISTIAN. i’ve been to the vatican TWICE (i genuinely don’t even know how much of my extended family is christian. up north in the tiny village i come from, i believe my uncle is the churchkeeper, and it’s the only building in the area that did not get burnt down by the the nazis during ww2 - mostly because soldiers needed a place to sleep. still don’t know whether or not said uncle believes or not, because hey, it’s Personal) i think my biggest personal relationship to religion, and christianity specifically, has been academic. yeah, we learned a brief synopsis of world religions at school (and i remember the class used to be called ‘christianity, religion, and ethics’ and got changed to ‘religion, beliefs, and ethics’ which is cool. it was probably a big discourse but i was a teen who didnt care), but also my bachelor degree is in art history, specifically western art history because it’s a vast sprawling topic and they had to distill it as best they could SIGHS. western art history is deeply entangled with the history of the church, and i think the most i’ve ever learnt about christianity is through these classes (one of my professors wrote an article about how jesus can be interpreted as queer which i Deeply Appreciate). i also specifically tried to diversify my academic input by picking classes such as ‘depiction of muslims and jewish people in western medieval art’ and ‘art and religion’ when i was an exchange student in canada, along with 101 classes in anthropology and archaeology. because i think human diversity and culture is very cool and i want to absorb that knowledge as best as i can. i think my exchange semester in canada was the most religiously diverse space have ever been in, to be honest. now as an adult i have more christian friends again, but friends who chose it for themselves, and who practice in ways that sound good and healthy, like a place of solace and community for them. the vast majority of my friends are queer too, yknow?? i’ve known too many people who have seen these identities as fated opposites, but they aren’t, they’re just parts of who people are. it’s like... i genuinely love people having their faiths and beliefs so much. i love people finding that space where they belong and feel safe in. i love people having communities and heritages and connections. i deeply respect and admire opening up that space for faith within any other communities, like... if i’m going to listen to a podcast about scepticism and cults, i am not going to listen to it if it’s just an excuse to bash religion. i think the search for truth needs to be compassionate, always. you can acknowledge that crystals are cool and make people happy AND that multi level marketing schemes are deeply harmful and prey on people in vulnerable situaitons. YOU KNOW???? so now’s when i bring up Apocalypse Comic again. one of the things i really did like about it was, ironically, how it handled religion. in its setting, people have returned to old gods, and their magic drew power from their religion. characters from different regions had different beliefs and sources. in the first arc, they meet the spirit of a lutheran pastor, who ends up helping them with her powers. it was treated as, in the creators own words, ‘just another mythology’. and honestly? i love that. it was one of the nicest depictions i’ve seen of christianity in fiction, and as something that could coexist with other faiths. I Vibe With That. and then, uh, then... bunny dystopia comic. it just... it just straight up tells you christianity is literally the only way to..?? be a good person??? i guess?? i’m still kind of struggling to parse what exactly it wanted to say. the evil social media overlord bird tells you the bible makes you a DANGEROUS FREETHINKER, but the comic also treats rewriting the bible or finding your own way to faith as something,, Bad. The Bible Must Remain Unsullied. Never Criticize The Bible. also, doing good things just for social media clout is bad and selfish. you should do good things so you don’t burn in hell instead. is that the message? it reads a lot like the comic creator already had the idea for the comic, but only got the urge to make it after she was converted and needed to spread the good word. you do you i guess!! i understand that she’s new to this and probably Going Through Something, and this is just a step on her journey. but the absolute self-loathing she described in her afterword... it does not sound good. i’m just some agnostic kid so what do i know, but i do not think that kind of self-flagellating is a kind faith to have for yourself. i might not ever have been properly religious, but you know what i AM familiar with? a brain wired for ocd and intrusive thoughts. for a lot of my life i’ve struggled with my own kind of purity complex. i’ve had this really strange sensitivity for things that felt ‘tainted’. i’ve experienced having to remove more and more words from my vocabulary because they were Bad and i did not want to sully my sentences. it stacked, too - if a word turned out to be an euphemism for something, i could never feel comfortable saying it again. i still struggle a bit with these things, but i have confronted these things within myself. i’ve had to make myself comfortable with imperfection and ‘tainted’ things and accept that these are just, arbitrary categories my mind made up. maybe that’s the reason i can’t do organized religion even if i found one that fit for me - just like diets can trigger disordered eating, i think it would carve some bad brainpaths for me. so yeah i’m worried i guess! i’m worried when people think it’s so good that she finally found the correct faith even if it’s causing all this self-hate. is there really not a better way? or are they just trusting she’ll find it? and yeah it’s none of my concern, it’s like, i worry for jkr too but i do not want her within miles of my trans self thANKS. so like, i DO enjoy media that explores faith and what it means for you. my favourite band is the oh hellos, which DOES draw on faith and the songwriter’s experience with it. because of my religious iliteracy most of it has flown over my head for years and i’m like “oh hey this is gay” and then only later realize it was about god all along Probably. i like what they’ve done with the place. also, stormlight archive - i had NO idea sanderson was mormon, the way he writes his characters, many of whom actively discuss religion and their relationship to it. i love that about the books, honestly. Media That Explores Religion In A Complex And Compassionate Way... we like that i’ve been thinking about my own stories too, and how i might want to explore faith in them. most of my settings are based on magic and it’s like, what role does religion have in a world where gods are real and makes u magic. in sparrow spellcaster’s story, xe creates? summons? an old god - brings them to life out of the idea of them. it’s a story about hubris, mostly. then there’s iphimery, the story where i am actively fleshing out a pantheon. there’s no doubt the gods are real in the fantasy version of iphimery, they are the source of magic and sustain themselves on slivers of humanity in exchange. but in the modern version, where they are mostly forgotten? that’s some room for me to explore, i think. especially the character of timian, who comes from a smaller town and moves to a large and diverse city. in the fantasy story, the guardian deity chooses his sister as a vessel. in the modern setting, that does not happen, and i don’t yet know what does, but i really want timian to be someone who struggles with his identity - his faith, his sexuality, the expectations cast upon him by his hometown... i’m sure it’s a cliché story retold through a million gay characters but i want to do it too okay. i want to see him carve out his own way of existing within the world because i care him and want to see him thrive!!! alrighty i THINK that’s all i wanted to write. thanks if you read all of this, and if you didn’t that’s super cool have a nice day !

[princedez]

Journey as a pagan witch

The pagan road. It's been quite a journey for me. My grandma that raised me was a Mexican catholic. She came to the US when there wasnt many Spanish speakers and she met a Cuban lady. Cuban lady taught her about saint magic and how to cleanse with an egg and reading cards and learning some herbs from wicca books and hoodoo books in español. I read these books as early as 10 and was confused how in Catholicism they said we had only 1 God and how in a wicca book there were many, such as Aphrodite.

Then at 13 when i was an unsatisfied atheist i met a guy that showed me his book on Wicca. So i thought "this is it. It speaks to my heart!" And i started buying Llewyn books from Barnes and Noble and calling myself a Wiccan. Until at 17 i joined a site called Wiccantogether.com and learned actual Wiccans are only wiccan if they get initiated into a British Traditional Wiccan coven. So i started calling myself a neo pagan.

I got locked up and could only remember the goddess Kali and the Great Mother Goddess type figure in Wicca. It didnt help me. I kinda went agnostic but never stopped believing in witchcraft.

In 2012 i met a theistic satanist for lack of a better word and i tried to convert to please him. Learned about the Goetia but they werent for me.

Then in 2013 or 2014 i learned about Traditional Withcraft, more specifically British Traditional witchcraft and even joined a coven which i got kicked out of. But on my own time started praising Dionysus here and there after learning of Him through the first season of True Blood.

Now that I've made my devotion official, Im being led to start praising His retinue too. Which is interesting because Im finding deities like us to meet their family and friends.

Im still not calling myself a Hellenic polytheist because i believe all the gods are real somehow and i have some curiousity about Gaulish polytheism and Celtic polytheism because on my white side I have a lot of French and a little bit from the UK too. And i do read into Aztec mythology even though most of my native ancestors were Chichimec which meant in Nahuatl (sp?) "The barbarians".

Tw: r*pe

But last week a friend of mine was raped similar to how i was raped the first time. She didnt wanna report so i asked if i could curse him. A peer of mine as a Dionysus devotee tried to tell me we cant do anything for justice, not being priests/priestesses, he was coming from the tradition of Bacchic-Orphism. Not witchcraft and felt we need Foundation before becoming witches (but that dont seem to be the case with secular witches i find). He said all i should be doing right now is devotional stuff. Praying.

But i couldnt just twidle my thumbs and do nothing other than pray for healing, after i told my friend I'd curse the guy. Because these fuckers abusing the sacred drink (alcohol) to enact violence deserve to face consequences.

So i went around my peer's advice and decided "oh..but what if i devote this work to Hecate?"

It's not my first time attempting a spell that asks for a deity's help, because a lot of wicca books with spells success those kind. But it was my first time trying to ask a deity for help in a spell that was also a friend or apart of "Dionysus retinue" and i wasnt sure how it'd go.

I asked Hecate for help in it.....and i got a pretty damn creepy eye from the candle wax. I took it to mean, someone seen or heard me...this may be a sign of success. A Hellenic witch told me my first impressions are likely the meaning.

I just gotta say, it feels weird to know I've been a polytheist since 2006 but only now the gods are making themselves known in my life (my UPG, secular witches are totally my friends yo). And i imagine including deities in my magic is gonna make my magic different...but it does feel kinda good to know Hecate has seen this rapist's face and approved of my actions. God approval is pretty validating to know i did the right thing (imo).

I'd like to know other people's evolutions as a pagan and/or witch, because i dont imagine im the only one thats had quite a journey and i have met people go from polytheist to atheist.

[moomooblackshep]

My dysphoria

Well... I'm 26 and so very fucking trans. Ftm. Pre everything. Fuck. It finally makes sense. For the longest time I've always identified as a crossdresser when much younger and then gay as a teen. As gay I've been out to most of my friends, took a while to come out to the family. I hate the word lesbian because it's a label that just doesn't fit and now this. I've only told my closest friends about the trans thing right now. Hopefully I can tell my mom about it later on when I finish my schooling again. Be warned this is long to whoever reads this.

The community has been very visible lately, YouTubers are also getting in on that band wagon. Media over all is so vocal about it now. Also, my mother used to watch a lot of trans surgeries for a solid year and would make me watch it with her. Those were disturbing but dear God like a train wreck I couldn't look away. It wasn't the surgeries that made me realize but they did open up my mind about researching and just looking into what trans is. Looking back there are many red flags. My dysphoria was generally supressed. I remember when I was young, around 10, I considered myself a crossdresser. I was new to the internet then since we just immigrated to Canada and I couldn't stop reading psychology books, journals, articles, anything I can get my hands on to put a label on what I am. I didnt make sense so I settled for something that seemed the closest thing I could find, crossdresser. I internalized that and moved on. We also didn't have much money at the time so I started wearing my brothers clothes and it felt right. Prior to moving into a new country my clothes consisted of dress like uniforms for school and shorts and t-shirt for home/play clothes. My classmates here then started asking me why I dress in boy clothes and I always said I was a crossdresser. They'll have a look on their face but I wasn't making a big deal out of it so they didn't either. I was also the kid that's good at art and I used to give them away a lot when done which people always wanted for some reason. I was also pretty calm and just took a lot of things at face value so people knew they could tell me whatever and I won't freak out, it apparently helped because I was told a hella amount of secrets. Graduation came and yearbooks were signed. Some even said I was the coolest crossdresser they knew and that hopefully everything worked out for me. Then highschool hit and suddenly the whole gay thing cropped up. I realized I didn't like boys early on. It was weird. Everyone tells me that I should and that I have to but I knew I didn't like boys like that at all. When I was younger still, by the pics probably as young as three maybe five, I had a playmate that everyone and their grandmother keep saying that he's my boyfriend. As far as I remember I've always denied it. I had mostly boy playmates but the few girls around I always took special care to make them feel included or give them attention. I didn't understand them. I didn't know why they liked only certain games like the dancing, skip rope, the make up or why they prefer dresses or various things I can't even remember now. I always chalked it up to my two older brothers will beat anyone up that doesn't include me in their games or are mean to me. It was a small enclosed neighborhood. My brothers were in the older crowd and knew everyone being 7 and 9 years older than I was. It still didn't make it any less confusing to me tho. I questioned a lot of things but no one would give me answers or they'll just ignore me. It didn't help that my mother always said disparaging things towards gays. Things about religion and how shameful it is. I don't want to get into it but I ended up internalizing it. We're also Catholic so the Catholic values of how we are in God's image, we should treat everyone as how we would treat ourselves and how God loves us clashed horribly with what she was saying sometimes. I was confused for a while but I tried to rationalize it myself and came up with "he's (the gay man my mom criticized and the only gay person I knew growing up) happy, he seemed comfortable with himself, he's not hurting anyone, he seems like a good person. So I said to myself that if he's all that then it's okay. It's his life and it's his choices. But even when it's okay for him to be gay I knew I wasn't allowed to be gay because of the homopobia my family was showing. I was probably around 7-8 at the point when this all went down. This is also why I stay away from church now. The hypocrisy is something that gets to me but I have my faith and I just try to live as "good" as I can while still being human. I'm probably missing a lot of the stuff because I don't remember much of my childhood. Anyways, that's the internal homophobia and why I couldn't be comfortable with it until later on in my life. By the time highschool rolled around I've immersed myself into the internet and have accepted my love for the female form. Also porn and Anime was a great motivation for an asian teen. Went to an all girls school for highschool, met my best friend in grade nine and proceeded to date her the following year. We lasted all of highschool but I knew I wasn't the best gf at the time or ever. We broke up because she was moving on to better things and I was lost and not going anywhere, I wasn't gonna hold her back to not experience stuff, so we split amicably. We're kind of friends still and adulting sucks. On that note, my dysphoria. In all honesty I never took it as that because my mental and emotional coping mechanisms are suppression and distraction. Anyways, as a kid I always envied the boys. They're always portrayed as being stronger, bigger, the hero, they seemed to have more freedom. As a kid I wanted that. Everyone treated me like such a delicate girl when I didn't feel like a girl at all much less delicate. I was a crybaby sure but that was because my brothers teased me relentlessly and the only time they'll stop at all is if I cry. I wasn't allowed a lot of freedom for expressing myself either because it was met with indifference or anger from my family so I had to figure a lot of things out by myself. Mom isn't the most affectionate or vocal person about feelings either so it's just been me for a long while. Looking back it was a steady progression and the feeling of helplessness that I can't change my sex. It permeated my entire being so I supressed and distracted myself and accepted that I can't do anything about it. Until I was 10 I tollerated the dress ups mom used to put me in, the expectations of being a girl was just another duty I had to uphold as the "youngest daughter" even the long hair was a point of annoyance for me. It was grown past my butt and I hated every second of it. I used to bug mom to get shorter hair, to have a cut like the guys and she gave in once when I caught her on a good day and she cut it to my shoulders. I was happy. It was a step in the right direction. Now if only I can get pants and a dick I'd be happier. Fast forward to puberty and lord was that a thrilling ride. Labelled myself as crossdresser in elementary and now Im gay leaning to Butch lesbian in highschool. Fuck I hated that but again it was another thing I had to tollerated because I couldn't change my sex. I knew transexuals existed mostly I thought that only applied to effeminated men. Aka gay men crossdressing. It didn't connect in my brain that women can be transexuals too. I thought they were just butch/ stud women. I was sheltered and very big on the internal homopobia okay. Now, highschool brought more insecurities. My chest grew like what it does during puberty. I wasn't happy about that. I was a chubby kid but fuck that was such a bad time. I hated them. I strapped them down as much as I can with tape or ace bandages, we had med kits everywhere, when that didn't work I'd wear something to try and flatten them or super baggy clothes. Also I had smaller bras than what I needed so it made them smaller. Had to hunch to hide them. I couldn't figure out why girls bought lingerie for them or why the hell they show it off. I forget a lot that people don't feel what I feel and that I'm not normal. Even with me wanting my chest to be gone but mostly be more male type I also wanted bigger shoulders, a few more inches in height (I'm 5'6), a deeper voice, my jaw and cheeks to be chiseled like the males I see in media. Yeah that was a trip into a rabbit hole. When I was younger I wanted to be like the guys in anime with the body builder like body, the voice, the heroism, the super powers because it's anime and surprisingly how they get the loyal girl. I learned all the chivalry because I always see myself as the guy in the relationship. Flowers, compliments, do nice things even if I don't say my feelings, open a door, pull out a chair, make a girl laugh. Then being a bit older still made me want all those things but now I have certain preference for girls, I wanted to be tall dark and handsome. It's more about being debonair with chivalry thrown in together and having adventures with my partner. It just became more age appropriate as time went on. It was all so confusing but I took the idea and ran with it. I couldn't change my sex? Fine. I'll suppress the need to cry and the depression until I can be free to be myself. Also known as me living by myself. I was terrified of what my family will say and how they'll react. They tried hard to make me girly during highschool and I just repeatedly said no. I never said I was a boy but I saw the need for them to turn me into this girl that I've never felt I was. I hated it. Then I fixated on the aspects I can change. My hair, the way I dressed. How I presented myself. I didn't change my pronouns or name because while I didn't like it it was negligible in the whole. There wasn't much to change to begin with since I already dressed as a male most of the time. Crossdresser in elementary remember. Wasn't much of a shock to the family really, just more annoyance cuz I took my brothers clothes. I sound like I hate everything but aside from a few things that I just glaze my eyes over now I'm pretty laid back and chill. It's just the way I present myself that really gets to me. Ive never given a fuck on why or how others percieved me aside from my family. 15/16 was a rough time. Suicidal thoughts started and escalated. I started self medicating in that I took up smoking cigarettes and weed to dissociate from everything. For a while it worked. Suicide was very close to happening, had it all planned out but when I came home mom was weirdly home. Once we were in Canada my brothers disappeared mostly because of college/uni and work. Mom was the same, she had three jobs at one point to cover all our expenses and Dad hasn't been in the picture for a long while. But yeah, mom was home in a rare off day. We somehow watched a documentary or a show that had suicide in it and she started talking about it. Could've knocked me over when she said that she wouldn't know what to do if she ever found us, mostly me, like that. How she would be devastated and everything. Things like that. It fucking threw me for a damn loop. But I was fucked up and that night I just kept writing and writing and writing until the sun was up and I had to go to school. When I came home no one was there again and I just broke down. My emotional instability, my hopelessness that I can't have the body/sex I want and need, my loneliness, thinking that my family doesn't love me just finally broke me. So I cracked. I cried and I screamed and I just fucking let go. At one point the neighbours even knocked on the door to see wtf was happening. Wiped my face, plastered a smile and said I was practicing for drama class and sorry that I bothered them. I had drama anyways with a play that year so when the neighbours brought it up with mom it was a solid excuse. After that the supressing habit became so strong that for example when I glance at my chest it just disappears from my mind that I even looked at them. There are days where I'm 100% okay with them ( or any part of my body that I can't deal with)for several minutes and I'll look at them and inspect them then later on I'm back to trying to find something to strap them down because the anxiety and panic is back that I don't have the right body. Once the break down was over I couldn't function for days. The dysphoria and depression just consumed me so I figured I needed to do what I needed to do. I cut myself off from that part of me emotionally and mentally. I hid it and I ran. I distracted myself with bad relationships,bad friends, the drug habit kicked up and I even became entangled in the crowd I never wanted to be in. I was a mess and as long as there was something else to worry about I didn't have to deal with myself. It worked for a long ass while but I was never happy. I've never felt joy after that breakdown. I had some contentment but that was it. The lows were manageable because once it starts I pick up a new thing to distract myself. Adult me discovered binders, bought a bunch of them with my first credit card. I was 18/19 and in college. I couldn't wait for it. Finally! I get to have a flat chest. They came and I couldn't be happier. I wore them every day from the time after I shower to just before I slept. Sometimes my mom would wake me to go to the store and I'll throw it on before my clothes. For a solid two years I wore it like my second skin. I went out to my first drink with my second brother with it on. Went to a gay club and picked up someone with it on. Worked in it even though that was a bad time. I was confident as hell. I was finally a step closer to myself. I was mistaken for a guy more often than not and that was fantastic. Then the inevitable happened. I lost them when my mom raided my room with no warning to clean it because it wasn't up to her standards and took all my laundry. I was frantic in looking for them. I was desperate. I kept asking mom where they are. I only ever got one of them back but I went into such a depressive state that shame and guilt and self doubt/hate came crashing back down on me and I couldn't wear it anymore. I went on a drinking bender at that point and I moved out at 20. 21 and I became an alcoholic for the next year. The truth that I'm stuck in this body slapped me so hard I slipped. I dropped out of college, drank from morning till night, was even drunk when I was at work. I just slipped. It was so easy but in the end I had to pick myself up. My family didn't notice much. Just that I was never home and mom and I had a blow out because she expects me home when no one is even home. When there's no food in the house because I didn't know how to cook at the time. She also kept pushing if I was gay and i admitted it. I was never gonna be ready so I just sucked it up and said it even though it felt wrong. Let me be clear as a transman man I'm not gay but right now I'm still seen as a cis woman. Im pre everything so I will, for now, say I'm gay. However, I'm a man trapped in the body of a woman and there is not much I can do until I start transitioning. After that horrible dip in my emotional instability I stopped binding. I just picked up shitty girlfriends after shitty girlfriends. Girls who were selfish and immature and made it all about them without giving back to me. I got stressed over that instead of my body and managing them is more doable than my body. Don't get me wrong I could've dropped them any time since I knew what I was getting into. My need to run from my dysphoria intensified my so called "need" to have them around. Did I love them? No. They were a means to an end and a way to distract myself. Have I ever loved any of them? I did love my first girlfriend but I never gave her what she deserved. When she broke up with me I was sad but I knew that she needed to grow into the person she wanted to be. I wanted her to find happiness even though it wasn't with me. So I let her go. Not completely tho. We're ish friends and I'd rather have that than nothing at all. At 24 I went back to school to finally graduate college. I picked up another shitty girlfriend for 7 months and 2 months after I ended my last relationship. My best friends just laughed and shook their heads at me because they can't believe I'm doing it again after I'm trying to get my shit together. But that was the last relationship I went into. The trans community started being more visible then. Acceptance for LGBT+ was at an all time high. Mom and I were okay. Things were looking up. Me being single was terrifying because I slowly started to unpack all my issues. I had supportive friends who won't leave me, my family is okay with me, I lived alone for a while but came back to mom's because her house is closer to the school and they've been trying to get me to move back in for the last four years. At 25 I just started unpacking and unpacking and unpacking and dear God the amount of issues I had to resolve with myself was a fucking lot. But the biggest is my dysphoria so I researched and read and watched a ton of vids to finally come to the conclusion that I'm trans. I'm trans not because I hate my body but because I believe I'm in the wrong one. It's terrifying to know that because there's no immediate remedy. I'm trapped and the process to switch is long, expensive and not permanent in a way I won't ever have the biological markers without outside influence. Having biological kids will be an issue too but I've always thought that I would never give birth to one, I've always assumed that I would adopt or somehow one of my friends will make me the guardian for theirs if they ever pass away. I've never felt compelled to have one of my own. A family yes but I would love any child in my family whether it's biological or someone else's. At 26, just had my birthday last month, I'm contemplating transitioning in the next year or so. I still have issues to work through but I think when I talk to a psychiatrist or counselor I would be okay. It's a lot to consider and I need to be sure it's the right way for me. In all honesty I'm pretty sure I'll transition. I've waited long enough I can wait a little longer to make an informed decision.

To whoever is reading this just know that it was hard and difficult journey for me but if you can accept the situation even just a little, enough to get you through until you can deal with it financially, emotionally and mentally it gets easier. Self hate is a very heavy burden to carry I wish it could be easier but youre a stronger person for it in the end. It helps to focus on other things to build your life. Finish school, have a good job, maybe a relationship because if you focus too much on the dysphoria once it's taken care of you will still have life in general to deal with and it's good to have the ideal life you want ready for you because you built it and you changing your body is the last piece to make it perfect.

[awed-frog]

Why do you think JK never made Snape care about Harry? I always expected thats where the story would go at one point but then it didnt at all... like at least a moment of effection or something

Several reasons, I think.

First, as I said in the other post, it was too late for Snape. He is the antihero, much more than Voldemort ever was, and he was set up to fail from the start. He would die with his unresolved issues deep in his soul - the guilt, the rage, the inability to trust and love another person (perhaps for fear of what that love would do to them, because look at what it had done to Lily). By the time Harry crashes into his life, Snape has find a modus vivendi - it’s dark and unpleasant and it keeps him in a lot of pain, but it’s all he knows, and we’re all afraid to let go of things that have kept us safe for years - even if those things are chains and cages. So, even at this moment when Snape would have the chance to start over and teach Lily’s child in the way he wishes he himself had been taught (the fact he was disagreeing with old textbooks at the age of sixteen shows quite clearly what he thought of the whole system) - well, that’s not something he considers. Consciously or subconsciously, he must have worried about what would happen if Harry refused him and mocked him, like James had done. What his colleagues would say if he suddenly changed his demeanour. What Harry himself would know about him - Snape doesn’t know how Harry grew up - what if Petunia had told him everything about ‘the Snape boy’, the weirdo who stalked her younger sister, the kid with the drunk father who was never quite clean and never quite tidy? I sort of believe that’s why Snape was so harsh on Harry during that first lesson - not only he saw James on his face and that hurt him deeply, but he was probably terrified Harry would know things about him - things only Lily could know, and what if she’d told Petunia, or if Harry had found her letters? So no, Snape never tried a different way, because the one he was walking - that was painful, but he already knew that pain he could bear. What if a new path brought him a pain he couldn’t bear?

(Which would have been the case, because if Snape had allowed himself to care about Harry, to love Harry, even, in this clumsy, childish, unfinished way that seems the only way he knows how to love people, how could he have let Harry die? He would have turned against Dumbledore, would have done anything to keep Harry safe like he’d done for Lily, and Dumbledore’s plans would have failed, and Voldemort would have won.)

Second, books need conflict, and since this was (allegedly) a children’s book, it needed conflict kids could easily get. The greasy, bullying teacher was a perfect character many kids could understand at once - and also an uncomplicated way to teach kids than life is not literature, and not all conflicts are resolved. If HP had been written in the Victorian era, then, why not, Snape would have had a dramatic change of heart and sobbed in Harry’s chest, begging for forgiveness; but personally, I like that JK Rowling chose to create a modern world full of real people, and this is how it works - Snape would probably have learned to get along with Harry, even to appreciate him - in time. And time is something he wasn’t given.

Third, what I really liked about including Snape, especially in the context of a war and the Order, is that this is how it works and we should tell children the truth: in difficult times, we need to make allies, and those allies will sometimes be - unpleasant. How much we’re willing to ignore, or forgive, when fighting side by side with someone - well, that’s mostly what defines groups and countries. Because the stupid thing is that we’re surrounded by war stories (mostly, movies about WW2, and enough) and yet those stories tend to be blissfully simple. Good guys on one side, bad guys on the other. Right. As if. In reality, what happens when you face a powerful enemy is that all of those who’re threatened by it need to decide if they can work together to bring it down. We’re never reminded enough of the fact the British government chose to do nothing against Hitler so that Hitler would crush trade unionists and the workers movements in Germany - they bet those left-wing groups would be much more of a threat than Hitler to Great Britain, and boy, were they wrong. Much in the same way, Communists and Anarchists tore each other apart in Spain, never realizing that Franco’s army would burn them all to the ground and impose a fascist dictatorship in the country that would last for decades. In Italy, on the other hand, Communists and Catholics worked together in the Resistance, and only returned to their ‘natural’ state of animosity after the war, when it could be expressed in Parliament, without guns and violence. So, well - the Order and Snape - I liked this idea that this man is on the right side of history, but he makes no concessions to it, because, on the whole, he’s not a nice man. He risks his life to save other people’s, but he will bully his students and he will actively dislike Harry and that’s not going to change. 

And this brings me to another point: one of the most important messages of the book, to me, was what Sirius said to Harry, Ron and Hermione: “The world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters”. This is a crucial teaching, and something that particularly young people, with their tendency to see things in black and white, should hear. It’s ironic it was Sirius saying that, since it’s debatable how much of a good person he was - I mean, don’t get me wrong, I adore him, but here’s someone who, like Snape, was never given the chance to grow up emotionally and is still blinded by the mindframe of his class (in Snape’s case, that was the deep-seated resentment of a working class kid, while in Sirius’ case, the careless, impatient privilege of the elite). Of course, Snape stood out in this category of people who’re supposed to be on your side but are still awful, and, again, the fact JK Rowling refused to redeem him by forgiving Harry for being is father’s son - that’s okay with me. It wouldn’t have felt right. It was too soon, things were too complicated between them, and - crucially - Snape never knew enough about Harry (never bothered to find out enough) to understand this was someone he could like. To him, Harry was always the child and and teen (I always read Snape as someone who was not particularly comfortable around either), the spoiled brat, the one who needed to get his way, who disregarded orders, never put any effort into anything, and would one day get his friends killed, just like his father. Because we know Harry, and we understand why he does what he does and we love him even when he’s not perfect, but to Snape, Harry was the guy who was so self-involved he didn’t even notice Hermione was time-traveling for one full year, the one who got to play Quidditich before everyone else just because he was ‘special’, the one who never bothered to study Legilimency just because he didn’t like being told what to do, the one who deliberately accessed Snape’s most private memories (and, come on, whichever way you look at it, that was a dick move) and probably laughed at what he saw for weeks afterwards (Snape never realized Harry was profoundly disturbed by those memories), and, finally, the one who almost killed a fellow student with his arrogant, reckless use of magic he didn’t know. So, as I said - Snape is still at fault here because he never bothered to get to know Harry, just decided to hate him on principle, but from is (warped) point of view there were reasons to objectively dislike Harry, and they didn’t have enough time together to correct those impressions of each other. I like to think Harry spent some time with portrait!Snape after the final battle, that they became friends this way, but who knows.

And finally, there’s no getting away from it: these are profoundly Christian books. JK Rowling’s faith shines through in the best possible way - and I say this as a non believer and as someone who doesn’t have a particular sympathy towards Christianity. There was, of course, the whole point about questioning God and raging at God and losing your faith, which basically was the theme of the entire seventh book and, even as a non religious person, I found that very moving and relatable; and Harry as a Christ figure, sacrificing himself to save humanity. But one of the most amazing things was something else: the whole ‘love your enemy’ message that was such an important part of the books and led to Harry winning and saving the world. Because here is where you really see how exceptional Harry was (especially if we consider he was a teenage boy): over and over again, he lets go of his pain and his anger and his fury, and chooses empathy instead. He never truly hated the Dursleys, despite everything, and saved Dudley’s life when he could have fled on his own. He spared Sirius’ life when he thought Sirius had killed his parents. He spared Pettigrew’s life when he knew Pettigrew had killed his parents. When he realized what Draco was actually going through, he felt pity, at once, for someone he’d solidly disliked for six years. In that train station, he managed to feel worry and compassion even for Voldemort, whose soul was an ugly, sad thing no one had ever wanted or loved. And, of course, he forgave Snape so thoroughly he ended up naming one of his sons after the man. I know some people were outraged by this, but I think they were simply missing the point. Harry is a Christian hero, and his special power is to do this incredibly difficult thing: to love unconditionally. To understand. To feel others’ pain (this was expressed, on a symbolic level, by his unwanted ability to feel his parents die). This is Jesus at his best, teaching us that it’s not the healthy man who needs a doctor; that loving someone when it’s easy to love them - that’s good, but it’s not enough. We rarely mention this part of the Bible nowadays (I guess ‘real’ Christians are having too much fun refusing to bake cakes for gay people to stop and reread the Gospels), but this was, and still is, a disturbing, revolutionary teaching. Because the thing is, you have the right to hate those who wronged you. It’s human, and it’s fair, and they deserve it. But ultimately (and this is where you see Eastern influences on Jesus’ thought), where does that hatred lead you? What good does it do? “What about my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?” Harry didn’t name his kid after Snape because his own pain didn’t matter; on the contrary, he did that not to redeem Snape, but to heal his own soul. Forgiveness, love, compassion - that’s the way forward. And it’s not just fiction, either - Harry chose to use Expelliarmus against Voldemort, and okay, but when Carlo Cattaneo, a philosopher and one of the leaders of the Italian 1848 revolution against Austrian occupation, saw a group of his own people about to lynch a collaborationist, he stepped in and told them, “If you kill him, you will be doing a justly thing; if you don’t kill him, you will be doing something saintly.” - the man was spared.

So, well, to wrap up this overlong essay - this last point, I feel, is crucial to understand why JK Rowling didn’t want Snape to have an easy way out. Harry needed to learn about trust and faith - as Lupin said, trusting Dumbledore meant trusting Snape, unconditionally - and Harry’s journey was not about being thanked and people changing his mind about him and recognizing he’d been a great guy all along; no, his journey was about learning to love even when it was difficult, even when it hurt, even when his whole soul turned into angry storms at the injustice of it. And Harry succeeded. He chose to bury Dobby rather than securing the most powerful weapon in existence, he chose to forgive Dumbledore for his many failings, and he chose - incredibly, saintly - to feel pity and compassion for a man who’d wronged him and tormented him for seven years, because, like his mother, he understood the way out is to love everyone, especially those who do not deserve our love. If Snape had been kind to him, had had a change of heart, Harry’s decision to forgive him would not have been as strong and meaningful as it was - and since this was Harry’s story, not Snape’s, Harry’s need to evolve as a character trumped Snape’s possibility of redemption. 

[coalessscence]

⸘ for a canon character you considered playing (if you're still accepting, I forgot to send this before lmao)

( this meme ! ) ( listen im always accepting every meme. forever. always )

⸘  - a canon character i have played/am considering playing

(this became an accidental drabble bc once i started i couldnt stop and i hope you enjoy bc what the heck this is what you get XD) (i am adding her to this blog when i can tbh……..)

    | Teresa walks briskly down the hall, dark hair bouncing past her shoulders. Her gaze is locked on her phone screen as her thumbs tap out an important message to the director of the bureau; she needs assistance from the big guns and she needs it now. And she doesn’t have time to wait for them to answer a phone call. She’s just hitting send when the screen changes and the phone starts ringing; she pushes the answer key with more force than she needs to. ❝Hey Jane,❞ she says, in a voice that’s a half-octave too high and baked in the annoyance she feels for her errant consultant.

By now she’s reached the elevator, and she pushes the call button multiple times, her expression both neutral and grumpy- not a good sign. ❝Oh, no, of course not,❞ she says into the phone, causing another couple waiting for the elevator to cast a concerned glance her way. ❝No, don’t tell me what you’re going to do. Just do whatever you want and get me suspended. That’s what you’re gonna do anyway.❞ Her words drip sarcasm and hold back a hint of anger that she wants to control, for the sake of professionalism, but she pulls the phone away from her ear and jams the end call button, snapping it shut and shoving it into her pocket without looking. Instead, her gaze darts to the ceiling in a half-prayer, half-eye-roll. ❝Jerk,❞ she mutters to herself.

When the elevator finally arrives, she marches in with forceful steps, never noticing the couple who tries and fails to get on, looking annoyed with her. However annoyed they are, she’s feeling far, far worse. Dammit, Jane! Why do you always do this to me?

It’s not even about her possible suspension, or termination. Not really. Of course that would upset her a lot, because her job has always been the thing that matters most to her. She’s a cop. That’s just who she is, that’s her identity. Without her badge, she’s no one. But she could go back to SFPD, she could join a private firm. She could maybe get into the FBI. She could co something. No, the problem is Jane. Why doesn’t he trust her? All he needs to do is let her in on the plan. Even some of the plan. Maybe just wait for her to arrive before doing something stupid. But no, oh no, he can’t do that. Bastard.

She’s worried about him. She’s worried sick. He’s gonna get himself killed taunting murderers like this. Why couldn’t he work with the fraud department? Fraudulent people wouldn’t murder a consultant, would they? But she knows why he works with homicide. Red John. That’s even worse. That is gonna get him killed, or get him life. Both are just as bad to her, but he doesn’t seem to care. She remembers her words to him in the basement of that old cabin, after arresting one of their first Red John leads together. She told him he was gonna get himself killed, and he said it didn’t matter. ‘Yes it does,’ she’d told him. ‘you’re being stupid, and selfish, and I want you to stop. Can’t you see there’s people who care about you, who need you?’ But he couldn’t see, and he didn’t believe it, and if he got himself killed because of that she was going to lose her mind, and it was going to be his fault, and no one else’s.

She hurries to her car, pulling the door open and dropping inside with urgency that’s not usually hidden inside her normal haste. Damn him, she thinks, as she pulls onto the street. Damn him. She was going to go try and save him, and it wasn’t going to work. They would be called into the boss’ office and she’d lie through her teeth to protect him, while he tried valiantly to take the blame for her and she stepped in front of him, like she always does. She’d get a reprimand, maybe a punishment, like she always does. And he’ll be safe, and that’s what matters. He’ll be safe.

She’ll yell at him, and she’ll let all of her anger out, maybe even throw her stapler at him. He’ll make some witty comment and smirk his way out of her office door, and in the morning, he’ll bring her coffee and a bear claw or leave origami animals on her desk, and she’ll forgive him.

Just like always.

Damn him.

WELL WHOOPS that became a legit drabble lol i hope you dont mind ???? i had a lot of fun writing it tho oml. i might actually post that elsewhere with some editing XDANYWAYSTeresa Lisbon of The Mentalist, CBI agent / FBI agent depending on the verse. by-the-books, tough, but also kind and caring agent in charge of the homicide team at CBI, and member of the homicide team at the FBI. rough childhood, dedicated her life to helping others and putting away bad guys, really really cares about family, raised her brothers herself and you cant tell me she didnt stand between her abusive father and them all the time. devout catholic, Too Much Forgiveness but also, Angry. Jane once called her an angry little princess, which made her mad, but also, accurate tbh. she’s so badass but she’s such a wonderful person and i love her ??? b y E