#one last thing i am not sponsored by this pig no matter how hard i root for him and this post

[algrenion]

lyrics to my latest most life dominating obsession:

little pee-wee polka dotted pig 🐖 🐷 polka dotted! (polka spotted ☝🏽) tiny little pig 🐷 it's smaller than a fig-let! 🗣️🔥 pee-wee polka dotted pig 🐖 🐷 he'll hold your toothpicks (❗️) he likes to hold your toothpicks put him on the counter ☝🏽🔥 the spotted tiny dotted, sweet little toothpick pig! 🐖🗣️🔥🔥🔥

[ellanainthetardis]

So I have an idea for a prompt if you're still taking? In one of your HADS stories, Effie says that her bro in law is a gamesmaker and often feels her up at parties. What if he tries it on, she turns him down and he finds out about/sees her with Haymitch and tells her sister (or parents or her sisters being a bitch and tells them) and they confront her or turn up at her apartment/the penthouse, or something idk...

As I was saying earlier, I think for prompts we are looking at updates on Monday and Wednesday for sure from now on. It’s what will work best with my work schedule. =) [x]

Rufus

Effie tossed her head back when she laughed atthe sponsor’s joke, aware that the dress she was wearing would sparkle underthe lights with the movement, mesmerizing enough that the man wouldn’t be ableto take his eyes off her. She had him rightwhere she wanted him and she tilted her head once she was done pretending tolaugh, her smile turning a little more predatory when the man’s eyes fell onher offered throat.

If she played it right, she might be able toget a sponsoring pledge out of him.

She was dazzling that night and the stroboscopiclights of the party only helped. The dress was blue and silver with a modestneckline and short sleeves that left her shoulders bare. It was also long, aswas the current fashion, but instead of simply flowing to the floor, it clungto her legs, making it impossible to ignore their shapes, and then pooledbehind her in a heavy but impressive train. The silver and the blue fadedtogether in some places but sparkled everywhere. Coupled with the diamondsaround her throat, on her ears and on her fingers, and the ornate silverheadband in her dark purple wig, she simply shonelike a beacon.

Haymitch had wandered away from her early onduring the party, muttering under his breath that she looked like a disco balland it was giving him a headache. As she had retorted, it was more likely thatthe headache came from the numerous glasses of liquor he had downed that day.

Still, she let her eyes discreetly wanderaround the room while she nodded to what the sponsor was saying, trying to spother victor in the crowded room. She would need him to seal the deal.

A hand fell on the small of her back and, for ashort second, she thought he had found her before she could properly look forhim. A short second. Then the hand simply felt wrong. Not big enough, not warmenough and far too familiar.

Haymitch would have let go quicker in fear ofbeing seen. The hand stayed.

She pursed her lips to stop the unkind commentfrom slipping out as she turned her head to greet one of the junior Gamemakers.Not any of the junior Gamemakersthough. Her brother-in-law. The one who had decided that it would be a goodidea to get involved in the Games business – an endeavor that wasn’t thatsuccessful according to what Seneca had told her, Rufus might have theconnections and the money to get named Gamemaker but he certainly didn’t havethe skills necessary to keep the job.

“Rufus.” she said cheerfully, as if she wastruly pleased to see him. “How delightful! Is Lyssa here?”

Pretending to look around for her sister, shetook one step away from the man, effectively dislodging his hand from her backbefore it could accidentally slidelower. She hated it when he did that and he did it far too often to her liking.She wasn’t surprised he would try it in there though. If he had no qualm doingit in front of a buffet at her parents’house with her sister less than afoot away, a room full of people wouldn’t stop him.

“I am afraid not.” he answered pleasantly. “Shewas feeling unwell.”

“The baby?” Effie frowned, forgetting the sponsorwho was clearly getting bored by the conversation. Her sister was pregnantagain and it was going as smoothly as her first pregnancy so far but… You neverknow, did you?

“Everything is fine.” Rufus offered with asmall genuine smile, waving his hand in the air. “She is just at that partwhere she is always tired.”

She nodded her understanding and then turnedback to the sponsor with a bright smile, hoping her brother-in-law wouldunderstand the dismissal for what it was. No such luck, though.

The sponsor who had been ready to give her themoon five minutes earlier seemed to have broken free of her spell and waspolitely making excuses to go talk to someone else. Probably Five’s escort whowas alone at the bar and making eyes at him. A quick glance was enough toconfirm Five’s victor was sitting not too far, ready to pounce once the man hadtaken the bait.

She touched the sponsor’s arm to get hisattention back, batting her eyelashes, and breathed in relief when she felt awarm hand briefly squeezing her shoulder. Thathand was welcome.  

“Here you are, sweetheart… I’ve been lookingall over for you…” Haymitch smirked as if life was all a good joke, it was hischarmer smile too. It gave her hope that he wasn’t too drunk to close a deal and that he had been keeping an eye onher from afar so that he would know to conclude the deal fast. “You’ve stolen my escort, Mr Goldson?”

She let out another small sigh of relief.Haymitch couldn’t always be relied onto know the sponsors by name.

Goldson laughed, flattered by the suddenattention of an usually elusive victor and, coupled with Effie’s killer smile,it might have been enough to salvage the situation. If Rufus hadn’t placed his hand back where she didn’t want it.

She spared him a glare and pointedly took astep to the side, never letting her smile fade. She expected Haymitch to movetoo because the evasive maneuver had brought him in his space but he remainedwhere he was, his own hand sliding to the small of her back, effectivelypreventing Rufus from touching her again.

It wasn’t the sponsor that had made him comeover there after all, she deduced.

Had he recognized her brother-in-law or was hejust annoyed by the Gamemaker’s not so subtle approach?  Both were possible.

“Effie, I was hoping for a dance.” Rufus cutHaymitch off, quite rudely, in the middle of painful small talk. “You don’tmind, old boy, right? Abernathy will keep you company.”

The last part had been directed at Goldson andthe sponsor, while frowning a little, assured him that, no, he didn’t mind.Rufus’ behavior was rude and dismissive but nobody could ever afford to takeoffense. He was one of the wealthiest man in the city – or, rather, his familywas one of the wealthiest one in the city, hespent more time spending the money than trying to earn some – and as such hewas influential.

“I am not in the mood.” Effie retorted,softening the refusal with a smile. There was a warning in her eyes that Rufuselected to ignore.

“Do not play hard to get, Effie dear, it doesnot suit you.” The Gamemaker laughed as if it was funny and he outstretched ahand toward her, prompting her to clench her jaw.

“She said no.” Haymitch snapped, his fingersclenching on the small of her back. He was far from sober, she heard it in hisvoice, and she knew that if she let the matter escalate, he might very wellthreaten to punch the junior Gamemaker – which would be bad for a good number of reasons.

“A dance won’t kill me, I suppose.” she sighed,making it clear it was a great sacrifice – which it was – and grabbed her brother-in-law’s hand. “Haymitch, do keep Mr Goldson company for me, willyou?”

The request was clear. He was to secure thatdeal by any means necessary. He didn’t like it though. His hand trailed off herback when Rufus guided her away toward the dance floor as if he really didn’t want to let go.

Of course, with her luck – or maybe it wasn’tluck and Rufus had it all worked out beforehand – the upbeat music turned tosomething slower and she had no choice but to let him bring her close to him.There were enough people around them that he didn’t seem to find it tooimproper to place a hand far too low for it to still be considered her back.

“What are you playing at?” she asked, pointblank.

“We are just dancing.” he retorted, laughter inhis voice like always. “Relax, Effie. Must you always be so uptight?”

“How is Lyssandra doing?” she replied withoutmissing a beat.

“She is big, grumpy and swearing she will neverhave sex again.” Rufus shrugged. “I told herwe should use a surrogate, this time. Why damage her body?” He shook his head.“Anyway… The baby should be here soon…”

“You do not sound too excited…” she remarked,annoyed on her sister’s behalf. She and Lyssa weren’t that close anymore butshe knew that Lyssandra was very impatient to give birth.

“Oh, I amexcited…” Rufus countered in a purring voice that made her want to gag. Asmall pressure on her back made her step closer to him. Close enough that shecould feel things she really didn’twant to feel.

She was too good to let her indignation show onher face though.

“You are a pig.” she accused because she trulybelieved it and she had never been shy of reminding him of it. Her parents andher sister might be fooled by the airs he gave himself in public but she wasn’t. She knew what he was up tobehind Lyssa’s back and it wasn’t pretty.

“Rumor has it you like pigs, dear sister…” he chuckled in her ear. “Or is it District dogs?”

A shiver ran down her spine and she pursed herlips, looking over his shoulder for possible help. She wasn’t sure if he wasdrunk or under influence but this was taking it too far even for him. He wasusually happy to laugh it off after she slapped his hands away from her.

She met Seneca’s eyes who was dancing with thewife of one of the ministers. He lifted his eyebrows in a silent question thatshe answered with a pleading gaze. Then Seneca looked behind her and his faceclosed in a way that told her trouble was impending.

Given where he was, her friend couldn’t seethat Rufus’ hand had drifted south beyond any possible excuse – he even had thenerves to give her butt a smallsqueeze – so whatever had caught his attention was behind her. And that could only mean Haymitch.

“Take that hand off me or you will lose it.”she warned.

“If your victor touches me, he is dead.” heretorted calmly, unknowingly confirming what she was suspecting. “I am aGamemaker, you will remember. And what is he?”

“A better man than you will ever be.” she snapped.

She had humored him enough. She tried to getaway from him but he was holding her too tight and she couldn’t struggle moreif she didn’t want to attract unwanted attention. Nobody was looking at themnow but if she made a scene… The last thing she needed was a headline the nextmorning announcing she was having an affair with her sister’s husband. For one,there wouldn’t be enough left of her to bury once her mother would be done withher. And, for another, she didn’t want to hurt Lyssa.

Seneca suddenly whispered something to hispartner – an excuse, Effie thoughthopefully – and left the woman where she was to strode toward them. She lookedat him with gratefulness over Rufus’s shoulder… At least until he rushed pasther.

Then her brother-in-law chuckled. “Now, he’sdone it… He’s being scolded like a good little puppy by Crane… I really do notunderstand what you see in him. He is so unappealing…”

“I do not know what you are talking about.” shelied.

“Of course, you do not.” Rufus humored her. “Doyou pay for the pleasure of hiscompany, I wonder? If so, you are reallynot getting a good bargain… Victors are so expensive… There is much better thanhim on the market, you should know.” She pursed her lips tight and worked onfreeing herself from him, unfortunately the more she wriggled, the less heseemed likely to let her go. And he seemed to enjoy it a little too much. “Ofcourse, you could always have me for free…”

“Or Icould tell my sister exactly what kind of man she married.” she threatened.

She wasn’t surprised at all by the fact he knewabout the victors prostitution or the implied statement he had partaken in it.He was a despicable man.

“You can try.” he admitted. “But your familyalready knows just how jealous of Lyssa you are… You have been sniffing afterme ever since Lyssa introduced me…”

“You are fullof yourself.” she huffed. “I would notwant you if you were the last man onEarth.”

“You can pretend all you like… I know better.”Rufus argued. “You…”

“Rufus.” Seneca’s voice finally cut him off, in that slick politician tone that was bothpolite and commanding. “You cannot hog escorts to yourself all night, no matterhow lovely they are.”

The last part was added with a small smile forher.

“We are just dancing, Seneca.” herbrother-in-law argued, a touch of challenge in his own voice.

“I suggest you find another dancing partner.”Seneca retorted smoothly. “Consider Effie to be… permanently taken.”

She took the hand that Seneca offered without asecond of hesitation and only relaxed once Rufus had released her and she wasin the other’s Gamemaker’s arms. Rufus lingered though.

“You should be careful who you tick off,Seneca.” Rufus warned.

Seneca’s lips stretched with obvious amusement.“I am in line to be the next HeadGamemaker and you are in pass ofbeing fired after only two years… This being said, I think you should practicewhat you teach. There are some people who do not enjoy seeing their friendsuncomfortable and those people are not all as civilized as we are.”

Rufus scoffed and left in a hurry.

One second later, there was a collective gaspand everyone looked over their shoulder to see Rufus flat on the floor.Haymitch fished him up from the ground with one hand and put him back on hisfeet.

“Oops!”Twelve’s victor said with uncharacteristic cheer. “Sorry. Didn’t see you there.Here you go.” The big swats he gave to Rufus’s chest – apparently to remove anydust or smooth any wrinkle – couldn’t have been comfortable. A few peoplelaughed and everyone turned away, the incident not warranting much moreattention. Just Twelve’s drunkard being his usual clumsy self.

Effie wasn’t sure what her victor muttered nextbut Rufus blanched.

She decided she didn’t want to know and lookedback at Seneca. “Thank you.”

“I am always happy to jump to your rescue.” herfriend promised before making a small face. “That man is a jerk. And he is high as a kite. I have seen him swallowmore pills tonight than I thought was possible.”

“I thought so.” she sighed. “He is not so… forward, usually.” She shook her head.“Still, thank you for preventing a murder.”

Seneca’s lips twitched when he looked behindher, clearly amused by what he saw. And a touch wary. “A victor strangling aGamemaker would not have looked goodin tomorrow’s newspapers.”

“We are good friends. He is protective of me.”she explained.

“To be sure.” Seneca accepted with a nod, absolutelynot fooled.

She wondered if there was anyone left that wasfooled by their denials anyway.

It wasn’t long before Haymitch showed up nextto them. “You mind?”

Seneca shook his head and stepped back,prompting Effie to roll her eyes. “Is anyonegoing to ask my opinion tonight?”

“No.” Haymitch answered, tugging her close tohim. Too close for public dancing. She relaxed against him all the same.“You’re okay, Princess?” he asked once Seneca had wandered away.

“Did you secure the deal?” she inquired.

“Yeah. Not much but enough for some water. I’vealready run it by Crane.” he answered. “And not what I meant.”

She sighed. “I am irritated, to tell you thetruth. If we had not been in the middle of a crowd, I might have slapped himand be done with it much faster.”

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes butwhen he spoke next, it was almost a growl. “He touched you.”

It wasn’t the first time and it probablywouldn’t be the last that Rufus took liberties but she wasn’t going to tell himthat. He was drunk and angry and that was never a good combination.

“I think we are done here for the night.” shedeflected. “We should go back to the penthouse and see how Harley is doing.Then, we can discuss how to proceed forward.” She didn’t have much hope thegirl would survive the Games but she had been holding out for three daysalready and that was better than any other tribute they ever had so far.Perhaps… if luck was on their side… “What do you say?”

“I say the girl ain’t gonna win and youshouldn’t get your hopes up.” He shrugged. “But I’m ready to get out of here.”

They were in the elevator and she was makingidle chatting, not expecting a response from him, when he addressed the subjectagain.

“If he tries anything against your will again,I’m gonna beat him down to a pulp.”

It wasn’t an offer or even a warning, it was astatement.

“Haymitch…” she sighed.

“Crane said he would hold him for me. Just soyou know.” he added, watching her a little too closely.

“Seneca is a good friend.” she answered theunvoiced question.

“Not my business.” He gave her another shrug.

But he also relaxed a little.

Men, she mused, why did they have to be so complicated?

[dailythranduilproject]

DTP Interview #6 Elbenherzart

Hello to all our friends and followers of Daily Thranduil Project!

Today it’s @elbenherzart‘s turn for our fandom interviews. She is a really talented professional illustrator, who has produced many beautiful artworks inspired by the world of Tolkien. She works with traditional media as well as with digital ones and has a lot of other creative talents, like sewing awesome cosplays. I hope you are curious to find out more about her, so without any further delay, I present you here with her answers to the questions we had asked her:

General Questions: 


Username(s) we can find you under: 



Either ElbenherzArt or my real name, Christina Kraus. :)




What Media do you create? 



For digital paintings I use Photoshop and for my traditional stuff mostly inks or ballpoint pens. I almost never use pencils, because I find myself erasing all the time. 

Are you self-taught or did you go to art school? 



I am mostly self-taught. Tho I have a bachelor degree in Intermedia Design. This gave me a few design and composition fundamentals I can apply to my images, but didn't teach me to draw or to paint. Also I have a lot of other professionals as friends who help me with critiques and reflection of my art. I always wanted to go to Art School but the programs in Germany are pretty shitty for it. All you learn is like drawing with a pencil bound to a stick, drawing with your not-drawing hand or drawing with a blind fold. It's complete garbage and I envy people who can afford programs such as the Swedish Academy of realistic Art where you actually learn useful drawing and painting fundamentals instead of fooling around. 




Which artists have influenced your style?



That is a tough question. I admire a lot of artists but I guess my digital work is mostly influenced by Magic-the Gathering or Dungeons & Dragons artists, since this is the direction my work is heading too. 



Which are your favourite artists? 



I'd say Peter Mohrbacher, Jana Schirmer, Cynthia Sheppard, Jason Rainville...but hell, there are a lot. I can't pick a favourite.



Where can we find your work? 



On my website, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Deviantart, Artstation and on Behance. 



What would you say you are best known for in the fandom? 



I'm not even sure I'm known for anything in this fandom. XD But the work I did based on the Silmarillion so far sells the best on Conventions and I get the most comments on it.  




Do you have a favourite pairing? 



Yes of course, but it's kind of controversial I'd say. ;)



Do you have a favourite creation of yours you are especially proud of? 



I'm kind of proud of my latest piece, Celebrimbor's Smithy. It was a tough one, since interior scenes are very hard in general for me. The work on this piece took a whole month with a few breaks of course. 



Do you have a favourite fictional character, besides Thranduil of course?



That would be Kylo Ren/Ben Solo from the Star Wars Universe. 



What other fandoms are you part of?

 

The Star Wars Fandom, tho I'm barely active there. I have a Tumblr blog dedicated to it, but I mostly just reblog stuff and did only one Star Wars related painting so far. The fandom is kind of toxic with its stupid ship wars and anti culture going on.



Do you do commissions?

 Yes. :)

Any advice/words for others in the fandom? 



That is such a general answer, but stay true to yourself, do what you love and don't give others shit over characters/pairings you don't like. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Be kind and respectful, you don't know what people are going through.
If you are an artist, or want to be one; only self reflection, critiques and hard work will get you moving forward. You need to be able to see your own flaws.  For that you need to seek out people who can give you an honest opinion about your art. (Not your friends or family.)
Vanity is the downfall of every professional artist. You can be proud of your work, but never vain. 
(You can always ask me for porfolio reviews or advice if you want by way. :))



Personal Questions: 


Favourite Book? 

The Silmarillion. 



Favourite movie? 

Currently Star Wars-The last Jedi.




Do you have a pet peeve? 



Littering. When I see people throwing their trash onto the walkways or streets I get furious. Take it to the next trash bin or home! It's not difficult.



What country are you from? 

Germany! 



Who do you think you might have been in a past life? 



Probably a cat. Sleeping and eating is all I want to do. :)



What do you like to do in your spare time other than create the media you work on?



When I'm not drawing or painting I'm either binge watching series on Netflix (currently Outlander <3)  or I'm with my friends/boyfriend. Sometimes I write Fanfiction, but mostly I'm reading it. I also try to travel as often as possible and sew my own costumes when time allows it.

 

When did you join the fandom?



I think back in 2007. Not really sure actually.  Definitely more than 10 years ago.

Follower Questions:

@floranocturna asked: 

You are a very versatile artist and I have been admiring your very cool cosplays already for a while, especially your Celebrian and Celeborn are amazing! Do you sew all the cosplays yourself?

 

Thank you and yes, I sew them usually by myself :).

What inspires you to cosplay a specific character? 



Honestly it's mostly the robes. If I like the aesthetic of a character, I want to cosplay him/her. XD Of course I also have an eye on the character and need to like him/her.



You are very ardent about being vegan. Will you tell us a little bit about your reasons and why is it important to you and should we maybe all think about how can we help to preserve nature instead of destroying it? 



This is a loaded question and I'm unable to answer it with just a few words. Feel free to ignore this text if you are not interested. 
As I learned that raising livestock for meat, eggs and milk generates 14,5% of global greenhouse gas emissions, the second highest source of emissions and greater than all transportation combined and that it's the leading cause of deforestation, biodiversity loss and water pollution, I knew that I had to act and change my diet, because I simply couldn't live with that knowledge and not doing something about it. And of course the killing of millions of sentinent animals every single day. The meat industry is the most powerful industry in the world and they try literally everything to make us continue to buy meat, to make it cheaper and to leave people in the dark about the consequences for our planet and our health. Here the Pharmaindustry comes in. The meat industry is their biggest customer (80% of their money is made from antibiotics they sell to farmers and animal factories) and sponsor, feeding billions of pills to animals each to day to alter their flesh. It's all about money, control and very fucked up. Like always.
 If the grain that is used to feed our first world country livestock would be given to people in Africa or other third world countries where children starve to death, no one on this planet would need to suffer from hunger anymore. It's all pretty messed up and a paradox. 
The only way of preserving nature in the long run is going vegan actually. I know that a lot of people don't like this thought, but that's mostly because they are misinformed (I was too, everyone is in the beginning) and fear either deficiencies or they think they can only eat vegetables and fruits. But that's not true. There are so many vegan dishes and sweets out there people are not even aware of. Oreos for example are completely vegan. A lot of junk food is. Cake, Ice cream and chocolat can be vegan too. It's all just a matter of replacing the eggs and there are plenty of alternatives. When people think about going vegan, they think about all the things they can't have anymore. Instead, think of the things you gain from it. You support the environment, save lifes and it's beneficial for your health. You are less likely to get cancer or diabetes. You don't have to give up your beloved sweets or junk food. I mostly eat the same things I ate before, just with egg replacement and almond or oat milk instead of cows milk. The only thing you have to keep in mind is B12. I take a pill everyday for it and you should too if your are vegan. If you do that you are completely safe and won't suffer any deficiencies if you live on a wholesome diet. 
This wall of text may imply that I try to preach or what ever, but I simply state facts. It's up to everyone if they choose to act or not. I don't judge people for not going vegan. It takes a bit of effort, research and people will judge you for it. If you want to have more information I recommend the Netflix documentaries „What the health.“ and „Cowspiracy“. They are all based on researchable facts and explain a few statements I've given here. Also you might want to take a look at „Why we love dogs, eat pigs and wear cows“.




@beelovesbutterfly asked: First of all, thank you for sharing your lovely artwork. What is your favourite art medium?

@themirkyking asked: Which method of creating do you prefer? Digital or traditional, and why?

For my personal taste and fun I prefer traditional mediums. It's much more relaxing than digital art where I have to stare at a screen all day. Also I love the smell of paint and texture of paper. But for client work I definitely prefer digital since it's easier to change mistakes and I'm able to finish something faster. What makes the pay a lot better. 

Thank you so much Christina for taking the time to participate in our series of fandom interviews for @dailythranduilproject. It was a pleasure having you!  

Please check out Christina’s blog and her page at DeviantArt for all her awesome artwork! And if you happen to be in Cologne on May 12/13th 2018 you can go and visit her booth at the RPC Germany!

@floranocturna ^^

[level3bird]

don’t call it a relapse

Ok, bear with me. I want to chat a moment about addiction and relapse and about how, for me, the drug of choice is the symptom, not the disease.

First, for those who haven’t been playing along on this blog, it’s been a hot minute since the days when I fell nose first into the shiny happy fishscale and was a more than willing partaker in the weeks’ long halcyon glow of the bottomless bottles of 4-bars obtained on the daily from a long list of pill doctors.

I’ve been able to string together, a day at a time, a chunk of clean time. 

A long time ago, I got to that point of devastation and despair, of being on the verge of death, that I knew I had to get real help and I accepted an offered hand. It made all the difference, did what two trips to rehab didn’t, and I was able to put down the coke and the pills.

In fact, it has been eight years, eight months and seventeen days.

Clean time that I’m very proud of.

And thinking back on it, I suppose I got that 8, 8, and 17 mostly by the seat of my pants without any real plan on how to make it happen or how to make it stick.  Maybe 5% rehab, 20% 12-step meetings, 35% the geographical cure and 40% the love and support of a wonderful partner, best friend, unintentional sponsor, confessor and all around fabulous fella. (A job he didn’t sign up for, but stepped into by default because he is that kind of a good man.)

I got clean in 2008 and moved to Australia in 2010. When I got here, I attended a handful of meetings, but ultimately decided that I shouldn’t go. My reasoning, at the time, was that I was in a new country with no idea of how to find drugs, who to talk to or where to go, and I didn’t want to find out by rubbing elbows with other addicts at NA. It was a cynical view to be sure, but I’d learned the hard way back in Texas that not everyone in 12-step meetings is clean and/or sober or wanting to stay that way.

Staying clean here wasn’t an issue for me. I had cravings and still had shit going on in my life, but I had a wonderful listener in my husband and I stayed rigorously honest and we dealt with things as they arose and I stayed clean.  

So much so that I quit referring to myself as an addict or even as a recovering addict.

I mean, why not? I felt like I’d turned a corner and I convinced myself that my previous years of addiction had been down to shitty life circumstances, which no longer existed, and since I’d changed everything else about my life, that the pall of addiction had also been removed.

In all the joy and happiness of a new life in a new place, with a new job and a new home and a loving partner, I thought I could say that my recovery achievement had been unlocked.

Except the fact that addiction is a sneaky bastard. As they say, cunning, baffling and powerful.  

A week ago, I took myself back into the rooms of AA and found myself reciting the steps and reading aloud How It Works.  I sat in those musty community rooms that smelled of cigarette smoke, and humbly listened to folks who have figured out some important things that I still haven’t. It felt both familiar and completely new.

I felt that awkward camaraderie you experience when you don’t know anyone sat there alongside you except that they are hugely flawed, just like you, and are trying to sort their shit out, just like you.

I felt angry at myself for still being a hot mess, while feeling compassion for the others there, who were/are also in that hot mess space like me, where it all seems overwhelming and at times impossible and that we all know, at the core of our being, that we don’t deserve another chance to get it right.

Those rooms are where I need to be, no matter how utterly soul crushing it is to admit it to you and to myself.

No, I haven’t gone back out and used drugs. My clean date of 24.12.08 still stands for that.  

But, then again, I’m not living in sobriety either.

And the bit that’s not clean/sober is as unmanageable as ever.

It may look very different than the baggie binges of years ago, but it is still the same distorted thinking, fubar-ed acting and reacting, lack of coping skills, and general madness that almost cost me everything.  It crept up slowly and I turned a blind eye to it until I’ve now found myself in a place where it is no longer possible to ignore it.

Alcoholics Anonymous refers to a “dry drunk”. That “recovery purgatory” where you’ve stopped with the alcohol/drugs (which is a good thing), but you “haven’t dealt with the underlying emotional baggage that gave birth to your addiction(s)” (which is a bad thing).  

It is “when one abstains from drugs/alcohol, but is still grappling with the emotional and psychological maladies that may have fueled their addiction to begin with, and continues to have a stranglehold on their psyche.”

The big book of AA warns of this syndrome when your regularly find yourself “restless, irritable, and discontented”.  Oh, hello self.

It has taken me quite some time to realise (rather, to admit) that my still being an addict is what underpins all that I’ve so far chalked up to mid-life crisis or existential angst or the search to fill a god-shaped hole.

What makes this realisation different from the way I felt the discontent last year, or the year before that, or the one before that, is that the consequences of my spiritual malaise have gotten out of hand.

Slowly, incrementally, substantially. 

It doesn’t take a drug or a drink to wreck yourself.

Not being able to “live life on life’s terms” also shows up in binge eating, constant cravings, compulsive overspending, severe melancholy, a heavy debt load, and the daily strain of trying to keep all the spinning plates in the air.

At least, that’s how the plates are spinning (and some are falling) for me.

It took having my liver enzymes come back at 11x over the highest end of normal and other blood test results circled in red for being way out of range. It took the nice doctor telling me that I now have significant liver disease, that my arteries are as stiff of those of an 80-year old, and that the extra weight is doing much more damage than just causing too many aches and pains for someone my age.

It took an honest assessment of the debt load I am carrying with credit cards and personal loans, an ungodly number (over which I feel way too much shame to even consider typing here) to begin to see that situation as it really is. Despite this, I’m still not able to stop buying things.

I wanted to think that I had this recovery business in the bag. I told myself and others that what I was experiencing was simply the discontent of having to deal with getting older and fatter and stiffer, just the normal emotional pangs that happen when you round the corner past 50.

I wanted to think that since my proper addictions to cocaine and benzos had previously been “cured”, that I needn’t call all these other unhealthy coping mechanisms, or lack of, addictions as well.   

AA literature says that “[addiction] instills a taste for immediate relief” and that “one of the most common attitudes or observable behaviours of people with addiction is poor impulse control and impatience. We tend to do what we want, when we want, with little regard for self-harm…”

I’ve heard it said that once you sober up a drunk horse thief, you’ve only got yourself a sober horse thief. It is the proverbial idea that you can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig.

And I guess, with humility and much personal shame, I am the sober horse thief, the lipstick wearing pig, who has tried in too many ways to prove that I am now both normal and fixed, a paragon of happy wellness, when obviously, I’m not.

I’ve learned enough to know that most of addiction is hidden underneath the surface. The obvious bits that you see, the drugs, the alcohol, that what appears to be the problem, is really only the symptom. The greater part that isn’t visible is that huge mass of emotional turmoil and old traumas and unhealthy behaviours.

So, for me, this is a watershed moment, of really truly realising that recovery has to be an active, ongoing, endeavour and that to sit back and consider myself above it is the very thing that has put me back beneath it.

So that’s where I’ll have to start.

Admitting that my eating and my spending are out of control, that I am powerless over using them as emotional crutches to avoid the feelings swirling around in the river of old traumatic shit underneath the surface, and that I’ve gotten myself into an unmanageable mess because of it.

This is when I, with the utmost of sincerity and honesty, need to face that hurdle of coming to believe that a source greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

What I’ve done so far hasn’t worked. All the attempts I’ve made to manage it by myself have failed. And it has gotten bad enough, that I need to be teachable, humble, open.  

With my butt in a chair, in meeting after meeting, listening and learning and recovering.

Again.

[til-i-feel-whole-again]

heart like a stone

I’m posting this here just as I posted it on my main tumblr, in case you are one of the very few people who follow me both places. Otherwise it doesn’t matter a rat’s ass. I just didn’t want to reblog it because I’d like to start fresh here writing about this whole recovery journey. One more time. I didn’t want to turn my main tumblr into a spirituality, soul, 12-step, addiction, recovery jamboree; being compartmentalised is really the way to go for now. It also enables me to embrace some of that rigorous honesty that I’m sorely in need of. 

Relapse sucks!

~

Ok, bear with me. I want to chat a moment about addiction and relapse and about how, for me, the drug of choice is the symptom, not the disease.

It’s been a hot minute since the days when I fell nose first into the shiny happy fishscale and was a more than willing partaker in the weeks’ long halcyon glow of the bottomless bottles of 4-bars obtained on the daily from a long list of pill doctors. Despite my own proclivity toward self-destruction, I’ve been able to string together, a day at a time, a chunk of clean time.

A long time ago, I got to that point of devastation and despair, of being on the verge of death, that I knew I had to get real help and I accepted an outstretched hand. It made all the difference, did what two trips to rehab didn’t, and I was able to put down the coke and the pills.

In fact, it has been eight years, eight months and some odd days.

Clean time that I’m very proud of.

And thinking back on it, I suppose I got that 8, 8, and some odd mostly by the seat of my pants without any real plan on how to make it happen or how to make it stick.  Maybe 5% rehab, 20% 12-step meetings, 35% the geographical cure and 40% the love and support of a wonderful partner, best friend, unintentional sponsor, confessor and all around fabulous fella. (A job he didn’t sign up for, but stepped into by default because he is that kind of a good man.)

I got clean in 2008 and moved to Oz in 2010. When I got here, I attended a handful of meetings, but ultimately decided that I shouldn’t go. My reasoning, at the time, was that I was in a new country with no idea of how to find drugs, who to talk to or where to go, and I didn’t want to find out by rubbing elbows with other addicts at NA. It was a cynical view to be sure, but I’d learned the hard way back in Texas that not everyone in 12-step meetings is clean and/or sober or wanting to stay that way.

There was also the fairy tale that I told myself about being a new me in a new country with infinite possibility before me and none of the trauma and drama inside me to hold me back. As if.

Staying clean here wasn’t an issue for me. I had cravings and still had shit going on in my life, but I had a wonderful listener in my husband and I stayed pretty damned honest and we dealt with things as they arose and I stayed clean.  

So much so that I quit referring to myself as an addict or even as a recovering addict.

I mean, why not? I felt like I’d turned a corner and I convinced myself that my previous years of addiction had been down to shitty life circumstances, which no longer existed, and since I’d changed everything else about my life, that the pall of addiction had also been removed.

In all the joy and happiness of a new life in a new place, with a new job and a new home and a loving partner, I thought I could say that my recovery achievement had been unlocked.

Except the fact that addiction is a sneaky bastard. As they say, cunning, baffling and powerful.  

A week ago, I took myself back into the rooms of AA and found myself reciting the steps and reading aloud How It Works.  I sat in those musty community rooms that smelled of cigarette smoke, and humbly listened to folks who have figured out some important things that I still haven’t. It felt both familiar and completely new.

I felt that awkward camaraderie you experience when you don’t know anyone sat there alongside you except that they are hugely flawed, just like you, and are trying to sort their shit out, just like you.

I felt angry at myself for still being a hot mess, while feeling compassion for the others there, who were/are also in that hot mess space like me, where it all seems overwhelming and at times impossible and that we all know, at the core of our being, that we don’t deserve another chance to get it right.

Those rooms are where I need to be, no matter how utterly soul crushing it is to admit it to you and to myself.

No, I haven’t gone back out and used coke or benzos. My clean date of 24.12.08 still stands for that.  

But, then again, I’m not living in sobriety either.

And the bit that’s not clean/sober is as unmanageable as ever.

It may look very different than the baggie binges of years ago, but it is still the same distorted thinking, fubar-ed acting and reacting, lack of coping skills, and general madness that almost cost me everything.  It crept up slowly and I turned a blind eye to it until I’ve now found myself in a place where it is no longer possible to ignore it.

Alcoholics Anonymous refers to a “dry drunk”. That “recovery purgatory” where you’ve stopped with the alcohol/drugs (which is a good thing), but you “haven’t dealt with the underlying emotional baggage that gave birth to your addiction(s)” (which is a bad thing).  

It is “when one abstains from drugs/alcohol, but is still grappling with the emotional and psychological maladies that may have fueled their addiction to begin with, and continues to have a stranglehold on their psyche.”

The big book of AA warns of this syndrome when your regularly find yourself “restless, irritable, and discontented”.  Oh, hello self.

It has taken me quite some time to realise (rather, to admit) that my still being an addict is what underpins all that I’ve so far chalked up to mid-life crisis or existential angst or the search to fill a god-shaped hole.

What makes this realisation different from the way I felt the discontent last year, or the year before that, or the one before that, is that the consequences of my spiritual malaise have gotten out of hand.

Slowly, incrementally, substantially.

It doesn’t take a drug or a drink to wreck yourself.

Not being able to “live life on life’s terms” also shows up in binge eating, constant cravings, compulsive overspending, severe melancholy, a heavy debt load, and the daily strain of trying to keep all the spinning plates in the air.

At least, that’s how the plates are spinning (and some are falling) for me.

It took having my liver enzymes come back at 11x over the highest end of normal and other blood test results circled in red for being way out of range. It took the nice doctor telling me that I now have significant liver disease, that my arteries are as stiff of those of an 80-year old, and that the extra weight is doing much more damage than just causing too many aches and pains for someone my age.

It took an honest assessment of the debt load I am carrying with credit cards and personal loans, an ungodly number (over which I feel way too much shame to even consider typing here) to begin to see that situation as it really is. Despite this, I’m still not able to stop buying things.

I wanted to think that I had this recovery business in the bag. I told myself and others that what I was experiencing was simply the discontent of having to deal with getting older and fatter and stiffer, just the normal emotional pangs that happen when you round the corner past 50.

I wanted to think that since my proper addictions to cocaine and benzos had previously been “cured”, that I needn’t call all these other unhealthy coping mechanisms, or lack of, addictions as well.  

AA literature says that “[addiction] instills a taste for immediate relief” and that “one of the most common attitudes or observable behaviours of people with addiction is poor impulse control and impatience. We tend to do what we want, when we want, with little regard for self-harm…”

I’ve heard it said that once you sober up a drunk horse thief, you’ve only got yourself a sober horse thief. It is the proverbial idea that you can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig.

And I guess, with humility and much personal shame, I am the sober horse thief, the lipstick wearing pig, who has tried in too many ways to prove that I am now both normal and fixed, a paragon of happy wellness, when obviously, I’m not.

I’ve learned enough to know that most of addiction is hidden underneath the surface. The obvious bits that you see, the drugs, the alcohol, that what appears to be the problem, is really only the symptom. The greater part that isn’t visible is that huge mass of emotional turmoil and old traumas and unhealthy behaviours.

So, for me, this is a watershed moment, of really truly realising that recovery has to be an active, ongoing, endeavour and that to sit back and consider myself above it is the very thing that has put me back beneath it.

So that’s where I’ll have to start.

Admitting that my eating and my spending are out of control, that I am powerless over using them as emotional crutches to avoid the feelings swirling around in the river of old traumatic shit underneath the surface, and that I’ve gotten myself into an unmanageable mess because of it.

This is when I, with the utmost of sincerity and honesty, need to face that hurdle of coming to believe that a source greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

What I’ve done so far hasn’t worked. All the attempts I’ve made to manage it by myself have failed. And it has gotten bad enough, that I need to be teachable, humble, open.  

With my butt in a chair, in meeting after meeting, listening and learning and recovering.

Again.

[tocoworks]

Sweat Equity: How To Be More Efficient In 2018 ⏱ 🚀 🛠

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TRANSCRIPT BY DRAGON DICTATE

Who now are going I can see that face was live feeling good how are you feeling Eric Readinger real good yeah really it you get the show going on mean we gotta squeeze one last one in before 2017 goes out I know hopefully get the bonus content common when we pretend that where a dog is initiate next year and then get caught up in the life of your days later I hate New Year's resolutions I don't I don't like hey I don't like people telling me their words without me asking Jeff I mean II know I'm annoying I give out a lot of free device known as for but you do it all your law right Lisa consistent with the exact path but like the thing with plus I always heard here's a little here's a little advice sweat equity advice goals New Year's resolutions essentially goal right losing weight is a New Year's resolution but it's not a good goal July your lifestyle good goal do you know why though nonspecific will is you just write I'm girl and there's no light quantifiable thing is a need it so instead of going on the lose weight and 2018 have to go like by June I'll lose 25 pounds whatever is everybody's resolution should be understood actually be real with myself instead of I'm going to lose weight and then when people ask you about it like we some pictures at New Year's is get real talk when you get real lack landlady real talk in the pocket you just need to be real with yourself a 12 team you know that's what it is people tell themselves stories make it all good so everybody around them here's what their convincing themselves of how I like I been guilty of this as well where you go on the to do this to keep myself accountable right yeah have to sign works have timed doesn't sound like my dad take it all back as I've done that before to know me at what we all have its it's annoying if you 0400 for whatever 100 with your friends or family about it like I go on the run a marathon that I said that at one point last year think and then I didn't predict an injury and then once you got injured I just couldn't get back in it and so one of my I feel do she does like everybody listen to me on the road where the line but what was the entry I just bad hamstring pull which you as you know from some replace fantasy football if you draft any wide receiver yet having the same as a lingering IRA though never be hundred percent so I wait that out like you know it's not my favorite but let's get this ship going you ready for your Howdy toddy did you read it 321 God Almighty this is a sweat equity podcast come to you from cigar city Ybor city Florida beautiful enclave of the of the hood enclave enclave yeah I think I use that right in Tampa Florida we may be in Tampa but we were we keep it worldwide like pitbull but this advice as a business hustle advice I think a lot of people asked me what is the podcast they see my face popping up in their feed because were doing good with our targeted video ads that's something I love it if you hear little muffling the background that's a production meeting going on behind us of high level production film meeting made I might want to yell just a just have their meeting but what's on there I know I keep like going to the bathroom lexically go to get anything actors need a grant from you might grab any parts I again works like yeah but let's… Give a little love to her sponsor fresh books tax season is coming up my goal here you go here's my New Year's Gold pay your taxes pay taxes yes no I want to get taxes done by 15 January my business taxes that's the goal good luck I got a hustle but you know what it will you know I can cram yeah are you doing every three months yeah yeah quarterly is sure yeah they said we have to as an S Corp. you you know you have to with meeting minutes and all that stuff that we do all that go go fresh books.com/sweat and you get three a free 30 day trial but QuickBooks are not happy with zero there 00 at the next get out here go to that's that that's another song or no no no that's like a that's the vid me out of all these fresh books is the is the competitor to QuickBooks zeros, that the video drove off to the side there like third place probably for meals for me is good for what it is I mean I'm sure was writing books but look freshman and you need a bookkeeper we've got actual client that I can hook you up with if you want to email me at law@tocaworkslawtocoworks.com will show her love she's got a virtual bookkeeping business and it just ties it Sophie you go to go fresh books.com/what and then email us the double hook up you could really email us for anything business I think we got something in place right yeah and pleasure yeah sure you know you want to send some pleasure pics will do this 90 style yeah I'm sending over there sending them to us I mean that matters depends depends I'm not doing them independence depends on the map and you know see we want to go 2018 New Year's resolutions I mean these are do you have anything no but look you shouldest do these once a month really shouldn't be a year yeah it's weird it's it takes easier for people to grandma look at myself with it are things going good for Maren okay and by October your different person I will eat like a fat pig from Christy Easley from Christmas to New Year's like no big like Burger King all day son yeah everybody that is that's a pretty standard thing or is it yeah to go worse than normal now I do it to the holidays you you do ketogenic will I do but I don't Christmas hello I mean I Brian you get at Iquitos yeah but I can get my bag and okay it's a gimmick around our house these next day you're right Rita is mental but Seattle get the hang agrees like some people do I know I don't usually but I feel like anything I have so little to hold onto his advice that I feel like I would if I do right now you would have been angry as if you win and I dress Onassis yeah I have to do a blood test tomorrow for health insurance incentives which means you can't eat associate today and I isolate this morning because you got to get like a pure sample or whatever and and cholesterol so they give you incentives if you like a reward if you're decent I can't going all stressed out a is one time I failed and I to go back and do it I was like one of many to walk out what your blood pressure is yeah and I was like no Isaac as I rushed over here to get to this thing and went right into it and I'm thinking about work let me go outside only to walk in the hallway for like 10 minutes I came back fine and that weird that's weird I did that recently the doctors to had to get in there real quick and on-site and don't let yeah the Dilip having high blood pressure worry give you high blood pressure that's another contract so I try not to let it psyche out I assume you got into the cholesterol one which is you know I don't know what's good cholesterol bad cholesterol but are you going to do that task so you do bunch of those things which is actually interesting because they make you do this app called rally we go to we rally.com it's actually I wanted to shed all over it because I might man I want I don't want to have to have this thing you tracking stuff the health insurance companies making use that now make you it's it's what I'd like a strong incentive but that's how they measure stuff they think you have to do like certain certain things of the blight but I got to go to Qwest labs and that will knock out like four of the rewards you can get okay as you get likes I can get 600 bucks back basically one was like you get 50 bucks for filling out a survey that's just like how many drinks you have it's like the basic general practitioner you know little questions I would ask you do you sleep well do you eat well all that stuff this is also the app yeah you answering this question is cool but then I tied it you can tie it into your so I have the Apple watch yeah that's about that yeah while I don't know how to use it yet I got it and I haven't had time to like yeah get to know this baby you gonna love it will I just wanted just to be able to jog with and not I have the old iPod that I have to load manually nice real nice real nice right I write if I am ever like I am assuming those like 10 years and my yeah but it's so cumbersome that I forget like I don't when I get a chance to run it's like oh you got yeah I I'll get the kids for 30 minutes you go for running like okay what I need everything to stick 10 minutes that I just can change and get out the door yeah and then getting music ready to go to site and it's not happen so the reason I like this is just I'd have streaming stuff because it has its own phone number I guess oh you got the a data plan yeah oh nice yeah so you can do the air pod headphone yes I'm a good goalie asked well basically I have flown on my watch and I have my air pods that you can't see my ears which I wanted to hook up to this but I think it would ruin the Bluetooth with the video yeah that's that's that's what's future ship well it's only acyl because light to my wife because she won't know they're in now I used to keep it that the ones under my shirt the the corded headset right so at least you can see that a lot of the time but now you just you can't see it all you could use these giant headphones is like holders for your air pods cut the cords because they fall out of my ears hey what these are your pod covers I had to buy these so they don't break not I but I've been falling asleep of those things in which is not good probably for my ears because I feel like I mean Felix's summer jam to pencil in there if I sleep on my side but it doesn't wake you up when I when I go to sleep all hit it hard but I wake up really easily anyway the thing with that is like all this stuff is to be more efficient anyway because I can arty feel that your pods like you can get about 30 feet away from your phone and it still plays whatever podcasting listen to music whatever 80s background with new wrapper genre music I like to listen to like that Eminem song but it's that thing of you know saving trips from going back your phone for something what I can charge the phone or not tethered to or I'm not I'm not going without listening to something for 30 minutes which is trust that but I can make calls and still it's weird it's it's it shouldn't be that big of a difference but it's talking also in the the watch I when I had a Fitbit which were super ugly come like they're ugly they're ugly looking this I got a get a new band on it but I got that ship and you got the big boy version I got the lady lady says I actually pilot pulled my hair out on accident because the rubber because when it gets to that I was going like that I head back head head hair and ended if I took a few with it so not feeling good but what I'm saying is I like the tracking of the stats because I like how much do I stand up during the day how many I do like that stuff I don't care big brothers watch me yeah I've also noticed that the Stan Golson it is not that I can I reach my standing goal laying on my ass okay so does it mean stick to stand really mean are you up I don't know I I think it met like I think discounts if you're awake sell real okay is it going around yeah because right now price as I'm standing right in my heart rate a little bit because were trying to multitask on air oh that's the other job I loved going on stage doing standup and seeing what my heart rate would be while on stage yeah you could try check the time and stop it'd be lower way lower they just normal onstage you weird yeah but both euros off before would spike about 10 to not be three-minute more which isn't really a spike but it would it would get up because you can't anxious your light will bit smug and run over and then when I'm on stage at site cruise control cleared it weird and did did for stand up last Friday which felt good had a really good set which is I forgot how good of a feeling that is when you're so nervous about getting up because I'd been that nervous price seven years yeah dude I mean you and how many months for five months. This podcast helps the mean I tried it I I pitch a lot of podcasts to our clients go look it's a good way you gotta do it like we wish we've been shoehorning in episodes last couple weeks just because it's just been nuts around here holidays baba but we didn't plan ahead like we can plan ahead by the quarter kind of thing like we should but like it's a good cathartic it it's a little bit of therapy it's a little bit of like I try to write some jokes for it right ideas yeah like what is our creative outlet for sure it is him is sometimes the only time we talk during the day but also it's like it's it does have to be polished obviously and it it's another way to get her voice out there for people to digest when they can handle it now one thing I I did come up with while running the other day and this will tie into how to be more efficient is I got a term I want to coin officially calling on the go so we've got some lingering projects that just that become like big picture ideas I feel like a lot of people have this unit maybe you want to do in addition on your house were you know you try to figure out how to save enough money to buy a ring for your lady were you would don't do that though but stupid if she's in the wedding rings and she got the girl for you what if you have a family ring by all means do that whole you can do that yeah don't don't be full by tapirs okay it's at this so many diamonds out there manually many the world look at the history of all that she is talking crazy you know it's all made that's why like advertising yet will I mean it's going to its settings going away you think the holy I don't I think it's to both I think with a lot of things it's going down but the other sides can imagine will I think the wedding industry of like having bad ass wedding that's going up the ring with the precious stones is not as big a deal anymore speaker wedge event coordinators for weddings or secretly like the worst coordinator like of anything you know what a millionaire not about to let yeah I've dealt with a lot of event court wedding coordinators of the site you do this for a living right like wool I brought all I brought all the reclaimed wood like furniture and Mike Horton Mike hey yeah they always focus yet have one thing that's her focus and talk about the farm theme and then it's like okay that's one part you have a schedule of when the wedding starts will know you have to fires right back yeah we are our buddy Damien is what employer just left yeah why would she stay for the wedding that's crazy I mean it was just like what it was a point where it's like I shouldn't be the most organized person at this wedding for what's about to happen it was like it's so crazy how people do not take their job seriously like that's Ivan Mike seriously that's just like basic level stuff that's that I don't care how anxious you get or how you're worried you are like showing up is half the battle if additional forethought either live like maybe this will happen and I'll have to do this anyways I cut you off about being efficient while you're running or something oh so we think of like big ideas right now have the everybody goes I want to do this when you learn another language this year or some like that and then becomes is over you never get to start a lot a lot of that is to start just just go okay and turning everything off 20 minutes after to start and it doesn't matter when whenever that 20 minutes is over or I I find it a break then that'll be it but a lot of people don't do that part and so you get to this overwhelming idea you've had in your hand we've got to do a pitch deck that this is why this is where I came up with that window pitched Atkins become this this huge snowball] but what I don't want to be is a Florida snowball will eventually just melts you never do it that that's the terms the term is Laura snowball however bad okay for look for businesspeople it's like murders but but I have come join us for economy sake it's not that funny that that witty but I'm saying like find me a better term for that I got your diet is as we've had a lot of that we want we want to do a lot of improvements for the show and it's like yeah when we want to get a wife or behind us we would have a digital we want to have a screen over here we can see our live reads or any of that stuff and then have a playback monitor so we can see ourselves but like you don't have to redo the 1000 other Arabia comes this thing that you never get to and so it's it's tough yeah and the longer you go the bigger it seems in sunny bigger than exacerbated in the beginning exactly that's what the snowball and then support a snowball because it just it just don't do it ever yeah you know we we we get a lot of stuff done to all of say objectively we get a lot of stuff done that we do say working to try to do it takes a while but at the same time I listen to so many people because we have so many startups and immature businesses and people asking for advice on time wheat we did have a lot of people that just never ever never ever get around to it some more efficient so how do we do that just starting that are this that but that's my advice for a lot of stuff that you even if you're just curious about some just try to start doing it yet all be afraid of the unknown I think I think you don't know what's coming with their big project you may dislike off while I don't I don't need to know any of that because it's too scary but once you go get into it and you can lay it all out front yourself and you always know what you're up against yeah and and suck at something and try that light all the time right like I want it I do want to go shoot bows for some reason I think I'm going the opposite direction to some keyboards off now I know I've I have a hankering for I want to I want to race cars only not dry stick in a and I want I like to occur I want to go bow hunting like legit bow hunting one day like the shipper you have to be awesome shape to do it yeah like you have to run mountains carrier pack into the woods right right sleep there I don't know why though I've never done I've race like go carts when I was little but neither really I don't have any experience with I just really hit your primal instinct kicking in yeah because them the software I'm getting this note and paler as you can see on video sitting in the office you know of the more I want to go to the other thing yeah go play football now I hear you it's weird that you like I do feel like I do weightlifting for that sort of adrenaline's worship but even that's like wearing on me now righteously I get it done it does have the same endorphin rush that used to go it is used to it that would be the number one thing I'd say if you want to be more efficient you should try to get in shape just like whatever that is for you you want to get like talking II think people do the four snowball word you get this thing were like I've got to get to this kind of yeah body build and when you don't get there after March I think I think Jim's make most of their money in January February oh it's my favorite time of the year seeing all the new faces that come in next week and then by spring break their own, yet each way before that if you had a month yeah because I mean you know I I'm going to the same gym at the same time almost every day I see the same people would you go funk at 5 AM so it's like that that's us different commitment to like yeah but I just don't like being around it's only been in the crowded gym like having to wait on things really you know having a lot of people around yeah what's not really I mean if she if you want at 5 PM and be to be a zoo the worst yes you know and that's what a lot of people do the word about how they're looking at the gym but if you like as cheesy as it is it is good to throw down some goals and like really be specific about it like no for me I need to be able to get I need to stretch and I need to get more flexible and I need to do like yoga once a month at least yeah if not once a week yeah stretching is the number one thing for you making yourself feel good right and I that I know it and I don't do it and it's really it's a comedian self-destructive kind of mind to not go yeah I know but only to just sit in the chair all day yeah it's that they need the stretching desk used applicable to believe they got I think you got some bites I mean no just I just need to not be an acyl and then take 20 minutes and go do it I mean you've got the 20 minutes I know you are it's there the panic sets in I got to get stuff done I can get it while I would get everything done over the long haul if I feel better yeah Chris's days were your body hurts so bad that you're not it is not efficient yeah and the 20 minutes you're using to stretch is not necessarily productive 20 minutes maybe it's something that you're to mess around if you know you have 20 minutes I want to take this a bit picked that right right out due to many an afternoon of design if you get down that rabbit hole like just moving it up and down like to position something yeah with a layer on Photoshop or something you can do that for an hour I know I've been trapped in the matrix for a week on the same ship what I do now is I just go I Fokker what am I trying to do here and then will I been using my watch I literally got yes my doing put your timer on your watch then when it goes off will vibrate at the hands on that another thing I but I think one of the things to be efficient other sleep hygiene's huge I don't like calling it that what we do sleep hygiene I've never heard that oh yeah I've only heard it in my brushing teeth before bed is that of podcast commercials for Casper Leah has for what's up yes going on what you you and Squarespace need to get you should together special Squarespace, Squarespace clearly woo hoo leaving Unilever sites I can reel off right now maybe that's why the wood was pitch about them not being a spy know we never went out we got it to say what's up hey hey hey keep saying Squarespace over and over in the Dragon dictate will pick up on it yeah if you do like these episodes are try to find some keywords were we do try to drop the audio files in Dragon dictate and put in the blog post will get better at it one Suite 120 once we calibrate yes or floors leases it'll be a lot better but for now it is what it is anyway sleep hygiene that's a made-up term by right that's the old yeah that's marketing copy but it's now I've heard it I heard their first in the nets, sleep down well like that is it is it just get enough sleep is that what they're talking so with that rally app it has like little baby goals you can do and I will send you notifications like remember to have like a regular bedtime I will have that remember to shut off all devices like you can and you can check got away with it you can well it will keep you up and it's and I know like I'm trying to think about outside I wonder how many good hours I have in a day like what's my peak right six on like on my laptop you know firstly beer for work and like what's diminishing returns .0 yeah working so it's like if I'm on more than six maybe eight I'm probably it's probably not can work yeah get it in your brain will that's why I try to get on the spin bike or due or work out I'll try to answer emails because at least it feels like I'm doing some claim emails or can be asked anyway you know a lot of it's like yeah Guido hey were here whenever yes you want to meet up it's a lot of that kind of stuff that I try to follow up on but that I need to be more efficient that's one of my things like cluster all these nonurgent if you heard of I is I think Scott Eisenhower it may have to look this up Eisenhower matrix okay if I get this right out on the field very very very business smart basically you put things in the four buckets indigo is a real thing yeah sweet alright so I did learn some business school so you have important and urgent if you have non-urgent and important you have urgent not important which I don't one of those two I don't get in that urgent not important doesn't make sense like what would be urgent that you don't like the sun born that's I think that's when I get conversions of bathroom so my dad I thank you again for like listening to the price of examples and then not important not urgent and you I always forget like to state the power of note, stuff like you got put some stuff in that bucket right a lot of that stuff doesn't matter like trying to like trying to go on fiber and getting something we are done to embarrass my fantasy football friend yeah that I used to do this but is that not important for your mental health but it doesn't it's a waste of time a lot of the time it takes like an hour like a better hour I can spend in some else but doesn't make you happy marginally knows what's the risk reward right so this is all business, logic basic business logic basic pitch business logic real talk but but like it is doing some of the fight OMG I'm constantly, think about like am I wasting this is my best our right we always talk about with clients ago trite working try to get your whole group at the best dollar per hour the rat right right this does make sense for the boss to be doing some of these little things unless that's the only person you know that can really do you so like you have a small business the boss may be the person that actually comes in and cleans up stuff because they're managing everybody else doing the actual work you know I just think about that a lot I don't I don't I don't know the answer what I know that's up to can always come to think about what's my best dollar per hour in this discounts at home to like what's the but you know is it worth watching Netflix do I need to watch it right you know yet to fall asleep when I just turn off and try it out trying to sleep earlier yeah but then you won't know how picky blinders ends than what PT finds it's been on there forever unlike you all get to that year and I'll get to that now I'm still stuck on the punisher and I lie liked it the punisher of all my God I had a plan in the background for like a day and I was traumatized yeah the little violent exactly yeah yeah that's the punisher dialogue kinda sucks to it's and yeah it's a lot of cheesy ship yeah I mean it's going to be that the guy the guy who plays Frank Castle is pretty good yeah he's a good I didn't want to like him but he was on the walking dead so never so yeah don't that's this is my wife's litmus test for if you're a good judge of TV like the walking dead PCS really yeah dude it's not good anyways I out I want to see Dunkirk that's more me I want to see that stuff you haven't seen it real life stuff so be more efficient 2018 how about some productivity apps release can do that right some so you get the Apple Lodge maybe you got some, smartwatch I think Samsung has a good one now I don't know all the ins and outs of it if anybody does have any hacks send it our way or comment on this post I mean just the stuff that comes with the Apple watch timers and things for stretching I use the time countdown timer all the time yeah all that stuff masturbation right where you get caught kind of things conventional yeah oh you will get it to the point hold it building to something called hope it's like what's the is it I don't Braveheart hello Canada hello been doing a lot of war movies may be maybe Troy thinking of but either way like wheat we been doing you got a live scribe pen and notebook the other Bluetooth pen you like and it yeah is in the during the call we are on a day so my phone's dead so have you linked it up though so it can discover your text learn change your handwriting into text yeah it's all that's I mean mine is standard with that I guess here's a little bit older mines an older model but it the software doesn't now my handwriting's like a ransom note so it's kind of tough I got a calibrate that between Dragon dictate and that in in this because I do like right I like writing it will help me memorize stuff I don't I also don't want to write too much in a meeting because of not avoid paying attention so try to write like you know bullet points Rob Eli: let me write this down right now go yeah the writing of the net with your hands to even if I want to call Illinois like I have things I can write down Evernote you like I can write it that you type it in but is not the same as writing it with my hand for some reason and will not just for me either one thing I got back to is and this is a little bit duplicative and I need to figure this out is hey I want to find an app to do list app that my wife and I can see it just reminds us of certain stuff yet get wonder list W you and is not good you're so I don't so I don't know if that's good for home right will like we have our grocery list on there it's linked up if you have sent me an even bigger store but put it on there you have a referral code that's another thing for if were given out stuff you might as well you know if you go in your app the Avenue for a friend white check that out about our syllabus for you but you got all kinds of goods I want to get down to the point were nonessential grocery items I want those to come in automatically through we have shipped here I want my dog food baby formula I liked him diapers all these things that we know we need we could probably your mark every enough three weeks we need this and then I don't worry about it Lucian do you want to go the grocery store yeah you can do Amazon subscription services we do for diapers or yeah we we might we might do that just because it is like those things that set like milk those things that that site where symbols or kinases on me when I get or meat that you will look at if I go to the grocery store but yet all the other ship but it's yeah it's that when you don't have drivers it's T-shirt time yeah and the guessers T-shirts are using dads but I mean like it's that thing of okay what are these little hats I can do it at half at home in the office to help out I don't like the Alexa she oh shoot you she she will gotta pay Alexa baby she doesn't like ISR she's up to sleep with one eye open always you know I don't want one of those at my house honestly yeah how was freaking out my family over Christmas tone of my in like dirt there is already news articles that these things are orb taken the data of what you're saying to put into advertise hell yeah they are I mean if you think that if you think it doesn't listen until you say hey Lexa how did you hear you say hey Alexa it's listening before like what what yeah I'm here real talk pretend I'm truly been the we have back pain we even paid $50 for that it it's either that technology is either worth like a thousand to five straight up or it's like I did know Samsung phones the whole business model is so that Google can get all that data to try to target you yes that's what the phones are so cheap yeah all that technology so cheap yeah I heard I heard that on want to say Rogan's podcasts talking some someone with tech guys like this month but it was like oh yeah that makes perfect sense why would Samsung dominate the market for cell phones that's like the 660 6065% now between women Apple and like 00 they lowered the price in there to make it up in the backend and no one realizes yeah apples do the same thing but they they don't have the straight line date to Google you know apples they love the same infrastructure yet to capitalize on rule yeah right the immediate civilian way right today sent streamlined right into their own entity but anyways I don't have a wonder list referral sales then we give you I don't know all these hello anyway here's here's another little thing pretty much any app you use if you're given and now they usually have a refer a friend discount so if it's one of these monthly subscription you pay for apps I I had to train myself to do this but like all we oh for sales the business development if you want to like a good dashboard you should check out this Pipe Dr., Apple use it gives you visual kind of a marketing funnel that you know who's interested who you talk to you're trying to close on and I just like that visual and I got a hold on let me go get that referral code not send it out as it is being like yours that you know yeah and then you get a month off or whatever Lumley Weber will if we find one I'll put it in the notes a wonder list that's good for home I'd say because I rumor checking for business insight on the distal do what I needed to do yeah I mean it's it's a straightforward passage projects right yeah with before I forget with live scribe you can ping it to Evernote the idea was to take a bloop Bluetooth painter talk about correct thinking live scribe and then you and there's moleskin notebooks if you like those by the way the Bluetooth notebooks never thought about that the hardbound ones but I may have ever thought about if I like moleskin you don't pull some people like him I used to write all my jokes and those because they that they had the how many moles had to die a lot when cares man don't make don't make it what is it two don't make a molehill and no mountain mountain and moleskin sober song or draw an arrow to Evernote an elephant never forgets that's their logo so what you can do is it'll transfer your handwriting into text and you can make a punch list that can automatically go to is Indu which is our business test manager that we haven't been using this once I got offkilter at that it is hard to we can afford so they they do turn it it's you get ADD with apps is always one better well yeah if you never learn how to use more than 25% of then it's not really smart but then you can take that punchlist and you can also hit it over to our project management system which is right WRI K which also can communicate to all these can communicate slack because Slack isn't just for chatting that should be our communication hub notifications all that stuff you so now we have now rebuilding this kind of like coverage in case something messes up right see what I if I heard this I would think men adding four apps would be more efficient and it sounds like it's it's overwhelming itself is not efficient but if you spend a little bit of time and get it right then it's automated from there on out and your love what I write philosophically a look at this way right like we got to figure this out to get and I was talk that always tell us what clients were doing like operations permittivity stuff it's going to be a little bit harder before it gets easier right right so it's gonna suck right now what we should what you and I should be doing is creating a map over our whiteboard in figuring out this like efficiency I want to do it, right after we get off in a couple minutes so at least we just started the Sally called back later no doesn't the right it was amazing call back just start will just started her money word-of-mouth is that we can't be dispensing advice and disco funk it's theater of the mind law is a joke it do it anything else to be more productive in 2018 anything that's been on your mind yeah okay so the other app that I use a lot I used to wonder list for dislike my daily I got to do this today I have a today list do this this is right then I have an app called habit list and that one allows you to just put in something like stretching you put in stretching I want to do I want to stretch be very times a week yeah and then when you do it that they the little button and it's in there and it keeps track of whether or not you're you're keeping up with your habits so I use it for all kinds lifting weights running in all the stuff that it's like you can cut and get away from you to Billy was last time I did do that and then you might pray five times a day right things pop an awful time you know it's easy to get away from your habits and remembering what you what makes you feel good you know way if you can't quantify it really none I members I need to quantify I was thinking of anytime I sit here make me feel good that I think of a monstrous ball don't know you Halle Berry I remember telling Bob Thorton yeah maybe feel right yeah nailed it I hope that I hope that production meeting Ernest Billings brush notes in the tally very low what would what would you know that I don't know do it with a male voice like you don't know it's a like gritty draining yeah what habit list is good I I've tried that at one point again I need vocalize almost outside like externally and go okay I'll get it download this app only use it yet is almost like 19 knee was a 90% of apps or something that or downloaded open once never used again see the good thing about habilis I think it pay for things like two or three bucks even then should shoot in the sky man I was looking at all the subscriptions I had for here in home this week and was like on to here's a user one trim if you're that yeah it's not sample site but it is no it basically you know if you're comfortable with putting in if people like mint were you can kind aggregate all your transactions and it'll note, more or less over time as you check things off it's good for your taxes to it'll be like you're spending way too much in meals I and so that's a good kind – four for that trim will look up your cable bill in all your stuff so you got put in the your banking account I did from this place are checking in our credit card for here and it was little go oh you're paying too much for frontier yeah a little one we negotiate some better for you oh yeah and so dates for you so they make a little vague if they get that negotiation okay that's out that's how they make money and it does it all on its own how does it I don't know I haven't gotten to the point were were actually negotiating but that that's the big cell and apparently like you guys know the deal with all the cable or Internet providers you basically especially with cable TV you can basically talk a minute like given it to you for a dollar yeah if if use if you're tenacious enough and I guess this cuts, cuts that yes yours with I'm done with you and then the negotiations begin hey want one thing you should get from your Internet provider and that's on my punch list is better router because these things suck after like a year of use and they become outdated so you can call Bob Ingo hey I need to upgrade the router and the going anyone in the you be like well Wi-Fi is now a lot better yeah and they probably want that because they've got a deal with the router company Macon Chittenden Nate takers back recycle it yeah making money will the region have to ask is because you don't they don't want you to use more bandwidth than you have to probably so I would say the reverse I would say like because if you look at your upload download speed that states you pay for hundred and hundred whatever that deal is your upload speeds always a lot slower on Wi-Fi and most people on Wi-Fi free hardline that's the only way we get 100 hundred yeah so like so I don't think it behooves them to be able to move more data from here like net neutrality is, that the whole thing yeah but the new router might be more efficient on the island and they can listen to your calls bitter over where the hell yeah yeah that to thanks the dirty side of them probably want to stop greater routers yeah the mean there's there's this as it will never get the answer to that herself utilize 100 other stuff in coaxial cables that can listen you now you know that I didn't know the rest will have those yeah will you have to have the cable to get I guess at coaxial cable to get the Internet in your house a lot of time and then people either have like old ones left there from last person or but I don't know where that is in that I don't think it's around like very prevalent I just think it's a plague in South Korea where everything is technically and I terms and conditions man those things are to get something to happen with that because there's just too much sneaky ship that people are signing up for an advantage of everybody it's great that there needs to be a law enacted that says it can only be this long or whatever which I think they try to do a couple times and they work around it was too long with thrilling and that's about all politicians do they just go what is this you can you write you guys read this for me yeah you're right actually need law to make that will to make laws shorter and then once that's in than they do for some time as a country okay well look we had glory years here in the US this is a sad day for good we had a good run what's what's get some music going out Remer at tax time is coming up hit up hello freshman school fresh books.com/let like you sweat to get hooked up but you feel good and you want to say anything to the peeps have a happy new year people don't make a New Year's resolution just try to be good take a lifestyle every day wonder list habit list all that list we'll see Israeli

[ellanainthetardis]

prompt: effie knows that haymitch has a thing for brunettes so she considers dying her hair, but haymitch stops her and tells her that he does actually like brunettes but they don't compare to her and that he really loves her blond hair

Here you go [X]

Friendly Opinion

Effie sipped her champagne slowly, aware thatshe needed to stop now before she became downright tipsy. Haymitch had beensteadily knocking down glass after glass and, if he was yet to show any sign ofdrunkenness, she wasn’t ready to risk both of them being intoxicated at once.

She crossed her legs deliberately slowly – forthe benefit of the sponsor who had been eyeing her for half an hour – wishingthose stools were less tricky to maneuver. She could have moved over to a tablethough, she was sure finding someone she knew at that party wouldn’t have beenhard… The club was buzzing with too loud music, it was the latest place to beand she usually enjoyed it well enough, but that night it was packed withpotential sponsors and Games’ teams on the hunt for money.

Sitting at the bar alone, looking available anda little bored, had seemed like a safe bet. She had caught the attention of afew men and women but, truth be told, people were more interested in chattingher up than offering their money.

Her eyes toured the building, passing over thecrowded dance floor with its pink and green blinking neon lights to check thefirst floor’s walkways. Haymitch was still where he had been standing for thelast hour, as far from the speakers as he could physically get. Chaff haddeserted him though. He was staring at something – or rather, as she quicklydiscovered, someone – and she followedhis gaze to where Alina Grave was making a quick but efficient job ofrecruiting sponsoring offers.

Eight’s victor had come back to mentoring acouple of years earlier and Effie still wished that this particular Districtwould rotate mentors more often.

She looked back at Haymitch to find him stillstaring and she pouted, taking another sip of her champagne. She studied Alinafrom afar. She could see the appeal, in truth. She was around Haymitch’s age,in her mid-thirties or so, and she looked verygood. She was attractive, very attractive,and the tight dresses Eight’s stylists always had her wearing were definitelyworking for her. Her stomach wasn’t as flat as one could have wished, true, butthat was what you got for giving birth, Effie figured. All in all, she could have been tempted so shecompletely understood Haymitch’s apparent fascination for the woman. Alinacertainly had the spirits he liked in women.

Plus, they hadhad some sort of affair she didn’t quiteknow the specifics of.

She wasbeautiful.

However, Effie was too.

The only thing Alina had going that Effiedidn’t – aside for the very small matter of the two them coming from the sameworld when she belonged to a placeHaymitch hated – was the hair color. She had noticed before. And she had piecedit together from the various comments he and his ridiculous best friend hadmade over the years.

He liked dark-haired girls.

And Effie was very much a blonde.

He was adamant he hated the wigs and loved herhair but it left her puzzled. How could he love her hair if she was blond andhe was into brunettes? She wasn’t fond of her natural hair to begin with. Hermother would have had it dyed permanently in her teenage years if it had beenleft to her and, for once, that was probably something Effie could have agreedon. Her hair was awful. Unpracticalwild curls of an insipid color.

She liked wigs because it allowed her to switchhairstyles and hair colors every few days without any damages but she did liked dying her head a vibrant pinkor purple sometimes. Never when Haymitch was in the city though. He would havemade fun of her and it would have probably been one of those times when he wascrueler than she wanted to deal with.

He didn’t like pink or purple.

He liked dark hair.

He was always eager to have his way with her whenshe had dark colored wigs on and he never asked her to remove those. He wasparticularly fond of the black one trimmed with gemstones cut into a short bobthat made her look impish.

He likeddark hair.

And shedidn’t have dark hair.

And he didn’t like her keeping her wigs whenthey were having sex.

She couldn’t help but draw a parallel as to whyhe was staring at another woman with dark hair he had slept with in the past.

She pondered the question as she fished acigarette out of her clutch and wedged it between her green painted lips – adark shade that went very well with the crimson wig tied into a puffy side bun,if she did say so herself. She didn’t have time to look for her lighter. Thesponsor who had been eyeing her lit it for her before she even reached for herpurse again.

He remarked it was a shame for a lovelycreature like her to be sitting alone.

She countered that the bar was where the mostinteresting people were, case in point.

And just like that the flirting was on. Shesmiled and laughed and said every right thing she needed to say, everything hewanted to hear.

He was old and wealthy and he had actuallypledged himself to Twelve once over three years earlier – because, shesuspected, he had a soft spot for her – but they never had any opportunities touse his money because their tributes had died too soon. She didn’t actuallysecure a sponsor offer but he promised to think about it if she promised tothink about having dinner with him. It was a proposition she wouldn’t run pastHaymitch, knowing full well what he would have had to say about it. As for taking it now… She would think aboutthat later.

Her cigarette had long been crushed in theashtray the bartender had pushed in front of her with a worried look for hisgleaming counter and she searched for another one as soon as the sponsor wasgone.

“You keep saying you’re quitting.”

Her lips stretched into a smile and she gaveHaymitch a small shrug as he commandeered the stool the sponsor had justvacated.

“I am a stress smoker.” she claimed.

“Must be stressed all the time, then.” hesnorted, lifting his voice a little to be heard over the music. He gestured thebartender over, ordering a whiskey and a margarita. She was a little impressedhe knew what sort of drinks she wanted without her having to specify. “OldVinian’s eyes were glued to your boobs, sweetheart. Careful. You don’t want to givehim a stroke or something.”

“He might sponsor us.” she informed him.

“Yeah, and pigs might grow wings and start to flytomorrow.” he mocked, grabbing his glass and pushing hers closer to her.

“At least,I made some contacts.” she sighed, wishing the music wasn’t so loud. It wasperfectly alright for a fun evening out but it wasn’t at all practical for theplanning they needed to do to chase after sponsors. “Who did you secure?”

It was a gibe more than anything and he didn’teven pretend not to get the joke. He hadn’t gone out of his way to talk tosponsors, that went without saying.

“Deana still wants a piece of my ass.” hecommented, nodding to a woman who was far too old to be wriggling on the dancefloor the way she was doing. “That counts or what?”

“Unnecessarily crude.” she chided him, wincinga little. “I do not need that visual, Haymitch.”

“Jealous, are you?” he taunted.

She was unfortunately unable to answer thatbecause of her untimely sipping of her margarita. They drank for a few minutes,foregoing conversation. He kept checking his watch every thirty seconds.

She bore it as long as she could. “You are beingrude. One does not make a lady feel like they are bored or not worth theirtime. If you have plans with someone else, simply apologize and be on yourway.”

He lifted his eyebrows, irritation flashing onhis face. “Just wondering how long it’s gonna take you to finish that drink sowe can leave. That’s my plan.”

“Oh.” she said, her cheeks burning withembarrassment. “We cannot leave yet. Everyone else is still trying to findsponsors…”

“We’re never getting sponsors and our kids arenever making it out even if we do.” he spat, somber.

“You do not knowthat.” she retorted, annoyed by his constant pessimism.

“Nineteen years of experience say I do.” hedeadpanned, downing the rest of his drink. “Look, stay or go, I don’t care.Keep the car. I’ll walk back.”

He was gone before she could even blink. Shewas slower in getting up – because her dress was short and unpractical althoughvery pretty, and her clutch wouldn’tclose properly – and thus she only caught up with him at the end of the street.

She didn’t want to call out to him like afishmonger so she had no choice but to walk fast – almost at a run – which wasnever easy on towering heels. She had all the troubles in the world looking dignified.

“I hope you know I never run after men.” shehuffed once she was standing next to him.

She suspected he had slowed down his pace soshe could actually catch up.

“And I hadto be the exception.” he grumbled. “You couldn’t annoy someone else.”

He didn’t protest when she looped her arm underhis, which told her he wasn’t really mad, just a bit drunk and probablyfrustrated. Their tributes’ odds didn’t look good if the first couple of daysof training were anything to go by.

“You will miss me when I get promoted and youknow it.” she teased with a bright smile.

That promotion she had kept talking about sincethe very first year, the one that would neverhappen. As they were both aware.  

She was too good at her job, too good athandling him. He had been goingthrough an escort a year before she had walked in, either harassing them intoquitting or sleeping with them and then acting like a jerk. He had beenimpossible, a real pain for the Head Gamemaker, and Twelve’s paperwork hadnever been done on time. Then, she had been hired and everything had changed.He was still impossible but she had her tricks to make him behave a little moreproperly. He was still a pain but he tended to annoy her and not the Gamemakersbecause he found it funnier. As for Twelve’s paperwork, it had long become her responsibility. She did most of hisjob in addition to hers, this way they were up to spar and everyone was happy.She was too good. They would never promote her and  risk going back to the wreck Twelve had beenbefore.

When Haymitch was furious with her – or theworld – he liked tossing that in her face. But sometimes, he humored her.

“Picked your next District already?” hechuckled. “’Cause I heard Three’s retiring soon…”

“I was thinking about Eight actually.” shecountered. “Their team seemed to be doing really well tonight.”

She guided them deeper in the city, throughsmaller pedestrian streets that would hopefully cut the walking time in half.What a ridiculous idea to walk whenthey had car with a driver at their disposal. Her shoes would kill her longbefore they reached the Center. They were masterpieces. They weren’t meant tobe walked in.

“Maybe.” he shrugged. “Didn’t pay attention.”

She pouted at the obvious lie. “Alina lookslovely.”

“Subtle.” he snorted, as they were reachingMain Square. He steered them toward streets that paralleled the square – sothey wouldn’t get caught in the middle of a crowd who would request autographsand pictures, she presumed.

“For someone who was not paying attention youlooked at her a great deal.” she huffed. “That is all I am saying.”

And that was plentyalready.

“So what? You spied on me the whole night?” hescowled, hurrying his pace and forcing her to lengthen her steps to keep up.The City Circle was in sight and she would be relieved once they would reachthe Games’ compound, her feet hurt.

“I happened to notice you were staring at her alot.” she deflected. “I checked that you were not getting drunk, I was not spying.”

“Kind of falls into my definition of spying.” he muttered.

“Well, then. I will happily buy you a newdictionary.” she retorted. “You do not need to answer me since it is clearly asensitive topic. I shall never ask about Alina Grave again.”

“Good.” he snapped. “’Cause that’s none of yourfucking business, Trinket.”

“No need to be rude.” she hissed.

She had trouble keeping up with his strides soshe unlocked their arms and went at her own pace. He walked on for a minute orso and then stopped, hands buried in his pockets, waiting for her. He offeredhis arm again once she reached him, not once looking at her. She took itwithout a word, happy to notice he slowed his steps to accommodate her.

“The sponsor she was talking to was handsy.” hemuttered once they reached the middle of the City Circle and the Training Centerwas looming ahead. “She could have broken that guy’s wrist, sure, but she’s gota family… I’ve got no one they can punish for punching a Capitol. She’s myfriend. I was looking out for her, that’s all. Not that it’s any of your business.”

She relaxed a little but kept her featuresschooled into detachment. “I said Iwould never ask again.”

“Yeah, well… You didn’t ask, I offered.” hescoffed.

“She is very attractive, though.” she hummed.

He rolled his eyes. “We’re not doing this.”

“Doing what?” she asked, sounding every bit aspuzzled as she wasn’t.

“Comparing.” he spat. “That’s bullshit, Effie. I ain’t going to feedyour ego.”

She eyed him from under her fake eyelashes,trying to read him. “My ego does notrequire feeding.”

“Finally,we can agree on something.” he taunted. “Warn Caesar. He can probably squeezeus into the morning special.”

It was lucky for him they reached the Centerjust at that moment. There was a group of people at the doors, like always, and,for a moment, she lost herself in the necessary act of waving, smiling, andsigning.

Haymitch was in the lobby well before shemanaged to make her escape. She barely had time to slid between the closingdoors of the elevator or he would have gone up without her.

“You could have waited.” she rebuked.

“Thought your ego would need an empty elevator,sweetheart…” he mocked. “It’s so big.” 

She narrowed her eyes at him, lips pursed, andtilted her head to the side, giving a pass to the crude joke he was obviouslyexpecting. She patted her wig instead, keeping her gaze riveted to the flashingnumbers that indicated the floors.

At eight, she cleared her throat.

“May I ask your opinion on something?” sheinquired.

“Sure.” he shrugged.

“Without  you making fun of me?” she insisted.

His smirk should have been outlawed. It was fartoo sexy for something so smug and disrespectful.

“Now, I’m curious.” he confessed. “Shoot,Princess.”

She rolled her eyes. “I was simply consideringa new hairstyle earlier but I cannot forthe life of me decide if it is a good idea or not.”

“Hairstyle?” He made a face. “You mean yourreal hair?”

“Yes.” she nodded. “I was thinking…”

“No pink.” he almost begged. “And don’t cut it.Not that I care. Or have an opinion.” He rubbed the back of his neck,embarrassed and uncomfortable with the conversation. “’Cause I don’t.”

It was lucky she was such a good actressbecause keeping herself from grinning was difficult.

“I was thinking about becoming a brunette.” shedeclared.

If possible, he winced even more. “What for?”

“Why not?” she replied cheerfully. “You do like dark-haired women, don’t you?Wouldn’t you like it better if…”

“We don’t do that kind of stuff.” he cut heroff, just as the elevator chimed to signal they had reached the penthouse. “Iain’t shaving for you. You don’t need to dye your hair for me.”

“It would not be for you.” she answered flatly. “I am asking for your opinion as afriend. I have had the same boring hairstyle since forever and…”

“What’s wrong with it?” he grumbled. “I like yourhair.”

“But it is blond and you like brunettes.” shebreathed out with frustration. “Shouldn’t you…”

“It looks reddish with the right light.” hemumbled. “And it’s real. I don’t like fake anything.”He rolled his eyes. “I like yourhair.” 

He looked upset at the thought that she woulddestroy it with black dye so she helplessly lifted her hands and then droppedthem. “Alright then. I simply wanted your opinion. As a friend.”

“Well, that’s my opinion.” he scowled.

“Good.” she nodded, pushing the button thatwould open the doors that had long closed, given their hesitancy to step out,and then gesturing in the vague direction of her room. “I will go to bed.”

“Yeah. Good.” he acknowledged, not looking ather. “I’m gonna hit the liquor cart.”

She was neither surprised nor alright with thatbut she didn’t try to stop him.

She was too busy running to her room, fightingoff as smile.