#one of the people I live with told me that he heard the term 'wincest' the other day for the first time

[patricidesam]

[sofreddie]

The Parts You Hide 3

Summary: Dean continues to struggle after Sam's rejection, and his friends and family notice the change.

Characters: Bisexual!Sam x Closeted!Bisexual!Dean, Benny, Castiel, Mary, John, Others

Warnings: Wincest (Not Related), M/M, Angst, Drinking, Intervention

WC: 918

A/N: I had a couple of requests to continue this series, and inspiration finally struck. I expect about 8 parts in total. Feedback is appreciated! : )

The Parts You Hide Masterlist

My Masterlist

Part 2

After Sam's rejection, Dean spent several weeks wandering around, feeling lost and disoriented. His day-to-day activities seemed monotonous, everything tinged in grey, lacking in the liveliness it once held in Sam's presence. He was angry with himself for making Sam so mad and hurt and angry at Sam for pushing him away.

Unbeknownst to Dean, his friends, family, and coworkers all noticed the change in him, his personality changes, and his constant moodiness. He didn't smile, laugh, joke around, or join for dinners or drinks after work. It wasn't until one of his friends and coworkers, Benny—who, in his defense, had been on leave and wasn't aware there were changes in Dean's life—that he tried to talk with Dean and was met with unanticipated animosity.

"Hey, Dean-o," Benny said with a broad grin, ready to catch up with one of his best friends. "How've you been?"

Dean shrugged, barely casting Benny a glance before returning to his work. "Fine."

"You sure, Chief?"

Dean rolled his eyes and suppressed the growl. He hadn't wanted to talk to anyone in a while.

"Hey," Benny leaned in closer and spoke in hushed tones. "Is it something with Sam?" Dean stood straight and stared directly into Benny's eyes at the comment, clenching his jaw. "It's just that I heard some of the guys saying something about you two not being on talking terms? Did you have a fight?"

When Dean didn't respond, Benny continued, "Hey, man, I'm sure it's nothing. Friends fight sometimes."

"Benny," Dean spoke low and careful. "I get you haven't been around, but you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So just shut it, okay?"

While Benny wanted to pry further, the look and tone Dean gave told him it wasn't wise. With a curt nod, Benny backed off. Dean cursed himself for snapping at his friend, but this whole Sam mess was getting to him, and just mentioning his name had him ready to hit something. He decided to focus on his work. He could get drunk until he forgot when he got home and repeat the vicious cycle as many times as necessary until he didn't feel like this anymore.

-

Maybe it was Benny's return and the constant conversation about it, the workload, or even his overloaded mind, but the day had felt exceptionally long. When he pulled into his driveway and shut off his Impala, he was ready to down a few shots and head straight to bed. He wasn't sure how much longer he could go through this.

Why couldn't Sam just accept what they had? 

Why did he have to go and fuck it all up by wanting more?

Dean knew he was an ass because he wanted that, too. He just couldn't get over the stigma he had in his mind over it. It's not like he cared if other people were in same-sex relationships, so why did he care so much about what people thought about him being in one?

As he closed the front door behind himself, he let out a long breath before turning to see his living room full of people, all seated around the room, eyes on him as he entered. He had to stop and think - it wasn't his birthday or anything. Did someone die?

The most influential people in his life were all in this room, except for Sam. The thought made his heart sink, but he stiffened his posture as his mother rose from the couch and slowly approached him.

"Dean, honey," she said as she rung her hands. "We're all here because we care about you and are worried about you."

"I'm sorry," Dean chuckled, "Worried about me?"

"You haven't been yourself lately. You've been snapping at people and canceling on plans."

"Mom, I'm fine. I just haven't been in the mood."

"You're not fine. Is it drugs? You've been drinking more. We're just trying to help you."

Looking around the room, Dean could see the varied looks of concern and anger. He dropped his head and laughed humorlessly as he realized what was happening.

"An intervention? Really?"

"I don't think it's drugs," someone spoke, and Dean looked past Mary to see his closest friend -other than Sam- Castiel. "I think it has to do with Sam."

Castiel approached Dean, and Mary went back to her seat. "If not with Sam, then why isn't Sam here? You two are always together. So why isn't he here, Dean?"

"Cas, don't," Dean spoke through gritted teeth.

"Dean," Cas lowered his voice. "Were you in a relationship with Sam?"

Before he could respond, his father spoke up beside Mary on the couch. "How could you suggest such a thing?" he angrily asked. "It was that Lisa girl, wasn't it? That's why you've been drinking like a fish."

John's feelings about homosexuality are one of the biggest reasons why Dean always felt wrong and felt like he couldn't give Sam what he wanted. His reaction to Cas' suggestion made his stomach sink and only further confirmed to him that he had to get over this.

"I'm not doing this," Dean announced, turning for the door.

Castiel rushed around Dean, blocking the door and raising his hands to stop Dean from leaving, but he wasn't having it. With a swift right hook, Castiel was out of his way and on the ground, holding his face. Without looking back, Dean fled the so-called intervention. They could have the damn house. He'd sleep in his Baby just fine.

PART 4

FOREVERS:

@lyarr24

@hobby27

@kazsrm67

@maliburenee

@440mxs-wife

@writercole

@spnbaby-67

@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone

@leigh70

@laycblack

DEAN WINCHESTER:

@slamminmine

@deandreamernp

@awkward-and-indecisive

@akshi8278

@mimaria420

SAM WINCHESTER:

@b3autyfuldisast3r

[not-a-perfect-metaphor]

Well, I deleted this original answer (and then deleted it again as a post...and then deleted it one more time after that), so here it is for a fourth time with a screenshot of the original ask, and LET US HOPE that I can manage to see it through to completion.

This ask has taken me quite a bit of time and thought, because what I’m hoping to give you is a summary that helps you to better understand without being too overwhelming/containing way too much information.

First, thank you so much for reaching out, and I’m really glad you did! The point you’re at right now (or the point you were at when you sent this anyway) is where every single one of us started, and it’s an amazing journey from here if you find yourself wanting to take it! Seeking out resources from others is absolutely the way to go about it, and I hope that you always feel free to ask me (and other tinhats) for any info/thoughts/anything you need in the future! I can’t seem to include links in-post, but I’m going to message you a link to Speak the Truth, a site documenting J2 ‘happenings’ so to speak from a tinhat’s perspective through the year 2011. And, basically, whether someone’s been a tinhat from day one or for one day, we all have different pieces of the puzzle, and that’s really why it’s so important for us to connect with each other and work together as a whole.

So, let me try to figure out where to begin.

I, like quite a few other tinhats I’ve spoken with over the years actually, didn’t put much stock into any of this when it first started to emerge. People fantasizing about two celebrities having a romantic relationship (especially two leads in a movie or a TV show and especially when those leads are of the same sex) is far from a new thing and has been going on forever, and naturally I assumed in the beginning that J2 tinhats were no different. Had I not actually looked into all of it further and eventually then started really paying attention to the comings and goings of Jared & Jensen/watching all the footage I could find/reading the interviews/seeking out candid photos etc., I might not have ever changed my views, and it still took me quite a while to fully come around to where I am now even with all that.

What caused me to start looking more deeply in the first place was the simple fact that Jared & Jensen, even during the still-fledgling days of their relationship (however you happen to define that relationship), had a very unique and pretty immediate closeness that separated them distinctly from everyone else.

***As an aside, like I always bring up, most Wincest shippers were born from that intense J2 chemistry that bled into the characters of Sam & Dean.

The Js had clearly connected on a deep level that they not only spoke about openly from the beginning but that was also more than evident in the ways they interacted with each other, looked at each other, talked to each other, and even just existed in each other’s spaces (they even shared and share clothing and have freely admitted that).

Jared: “It didn’t feel like a blind date. It felt like we were continuing a relationship. There’s no rhyme or reason to what happened.”

They’ve also frequently phrased things like that *points up,* using very couple-y terminology.

(note: speaking of couple-y terminology, they’ve been heard calling each other “babe” and “baby” on several different occasions)

They’ve always had the kind of body language with each other that you really don’t see often in non-platonic relationships and that you especially don’t see often between two actors who’s paths have crossed initially in a purely work-related setting, and it was that special intimacy between them that first sparked my curiosity.

Let’s take a very brief look at just a few of those examples (a mix of the early years and beyond):

And below I’m including an example of the clothes-sharing I mentioned:

My curiosity expanded VERY rapidly (almost explosively) from that point onward as I began to dive more heavily into ‘J2-research.’

Like I said above, I’m not going to overload this post with specifics (although I’m happy to send specifics to you by the boatload if you’re interested), but I will just wrap up this first part of my answer by saying that it was the candid J2 moments I came across that really started to sell me on the possibility of a non-platonic J2 dynamic, the pictures and footage where they didn’t know they were being recorded or photographed, largely during the earlier years when they weren’t as cautious, but certainly not limited to those years, pictures/footage in which they interacted with each other in ways that I certainly would not interact with someone I wasn’t romantically involved with or at least romantically interested in).

Here are a couple of well-known examples. Less intense than some choice video clips (that I’ll have to find a way to post in the future) but still beautiful and intimate. I actually just posted that first one a few hours ago!

-which ‘arguably’ could depict the body language of two very close platonic friends (more so than the first photo, above it, anyway), but...look more closely at the giddy, love-struck expression on Jensen’s face as he watches Jared:

It’s kinda a bit harder to call it platonic when you really see it like that....

And...gosh, I poured over so many of these moments, just...so, so many.

Even then, though, I wasn’t necessarily convinced of the fact that the two were together in any kind of serious way. I, like this blog’s first owner, co-owner (who became a tinhat almost right alongside me, actually, time-wise) felt that the Js were certainly at least not strictly straight, quite possibly that they weren’t at all straight, and that they were definitely attracted to each other, an attraction that had likely yielded physical results, but I had no reason to think at that point that they would go to the great lengths (and put themselves through the unimaginable hardships) of leading such intricately and immensely false lives, at great personal expense, if they were actually in a serious, romantic relationship with each other that they both felt would be long-term.

Not when it was almost 2008 (at the time) and being a gay celebrity wasn’t anything to even bat an eye at anymore...right?

But I still had a lot to learn back then.

The next ‘milestone’ for me, upon looking even more closely (and not just at the Js anymore but at those around them/in their circle/etc., not to mention the Js lives pre-meeting each other, just all kinds of stuff) came the discovery(discoveries) of the many inconsistencies, which I’ll explain further, that were ultimately at the heart of my transition from on-the-fence to full tinhat.

A good example to use, because most people have at least some knowledge of this, centers around the period of time that the Js publicly lived together and the many...many different stories that were told explaining their living arrangement. I actually posted a pretty humorous account detailing some of it, and I can link you to it if you’d like. That’s just one example of many, but perhaps it’s the example with the most number of slip-ups/cases of the Js forgetting the details of the lie/etc.

To briefly cover one of those “living together” slip-ups, at separate meet-and-greets, Jensen once told people that he had moved out of Jared’s house while Jared said that Jensen was very much still living with him. And that’s probably the least suspicious but the easiest to quickly explain of the slips.

Another example, from later on (that I’m using because, again, it’s one that people are generally aware of) is when Jared told a story about being out to dinner in Italy with his wife and accidentally flipping off the waiter and then Jensen retold the exact same story at another con, only that time, he was the one who’d been with Jared.

Once I knew to look for them, I was blown away by how often these kinds of inconsistencies had already occurred and continued to occur, things being covered-up or overly-explained, stories changing sometimes three or more times in ways too significant to be excused away as memory lapses, even attempts at erasing things altogether...which doesn’t work very well in the age of the interwebz.

And why...why would these cover-ups and excuses and erasures exist if there was nothing to hide?

•••••••••

Retracing my steps for a moment to talk a little about the Js lives prior to meeting each other, which was one of the other things I’d started looking into by this point and definitely played an important part in confirming my tinhat beliefs.

The first example that comes to mind is Jensen’s ex-roommate (and just ex, period, at least that’s what I personally think), Ty Vaughn, the one underneath Jensen in this photo:

And I’ve spent a good 24 hours trying to track down footage I once had of Chad Michael Murray teasing young Jared about flirting with him (to Jared’s extreme embarrassment), but I cannot find it ANYWHERE. If anyone reading this can help me out, I would be forever in your debt.

Other noteworthy things (just a few): An ex-girlfriend of Jensen’s has admitted that she used to beard for someone, and her only celebrity ex is Jensen, and a few of Jared’s teachers from high school have expressed surprise that he’s married now to a woman...so, make of that what you will!

•••••••••

Okay, back to the inconsistencies!Another big one for me has always been the Js saying “we” or “us” (and meaning each other) when, according to public knowledge, it should have been “I” or “me.”

(as well as other synonyms of the above like “our”)

“We got to spend some time with our family yesterday.”

“They were knocking on our trailer.”

etc. etc.

And on the exact opposite end of the spectrum...also ironically what continues to fuel my certainty that the Js are together even more than the “we”-and-“us”-isms: the separation-of-the-Js tactic (varying in severity/frequency), sometimes for an evening or even a single event, sometimes for lonnng stretches of time, but always very suspicious, because, like I’ve been saying for this entire time, everyone knows that Jensen and Jared are extremely close, even those who believe that their closeness isn’t sexual or romantic. What I’m referencing with ‘separation of the Js,’ by the way, is what many tinhats believe to be the PR tactic used to paint pictures of the Js as being much less involved in each other’s lives to (in theory) control rumors. But the Js’ are and always have been intrinsically interconnected, so the reason that J2 separate narratives feel so forced and unnatural, often cringingly so, is because they kinda directly violate who Jensen and Jared are as people with each other, and if anything, that’s likely caused some new tinhats to come aboard, but it certainly hasn’t succeeded in convincing anyone who’s already a believer that they must have just been mistaken all along.

And I should definitely mention the suuuper-duper weirdness surrounding Jensen and Jared’s respective engagements and then weddings, as well as the information, or lack of information in Jared and Genevieve’s case, that was presented to the public about both ‘courtships,’ because almost every single aspect of all of that was drenched in tinhatty suspiciousness right from the start and all the way through. Again, I can link you to posts that detail the topic thoroughly, but to summarize very generally: Jared and Jensen, in leu of increasing rumors about the nature of their relationship, even more so in recent months than had previously been the case, were most likely counseled to straight-en up their images drastically, and fast...the only real way people can do that, by marrying members of the opposite sex (pretty much simultaneously, by the way, & much to the startled disbelief of many, including a very-public-about-his-skepticism Ted Casablanca).

Ted: “Jensen and Jared would sooner marry each other than who they’re currently rumored to be getting hitched to.”

Alright. Yikes. I’m really slipping here with my “not too many details” plan. I’ll start reigning it in again, I promise.

So, around the same same time as the weddings was when I started researching the practice of bearding (fauxmances) in the entertainment business in general, although not as heavily as I’ve researched the topic in recent years, and what I discovered and continue to discover was and is both eye-opening and heart-breaking. I actually just posted about this a couple of days ago, so instead of rambling on about it again, I’ll refer you to that (under the tag ‘toxic industry stuff’ for anyone reading this in the future). A quick summary: the reality that Jensen & Jared face every day and the decisions they’ve made to enter into false marriages are tragically common in the industry....yes, even and especially in today’s age, and for many gay actors and actresses specifically, the choice can really come down to either living honestly or protecting their careers/livelihoods/even their true relationships should they have them.

Since then, I’ve come across a lot of information as well about personal reasons, alongside industry reasons, that might have played a role in the decision to go the route of bearding for Jensen and Jared, like family history, their relationships with/views on/obstacles surmounted to succeed in (etc.) acting as a career, past experiences that have been hinted at, parental influence and sacrifice, not to mention the significant detail of who they happen to play on SPN...brothers (far too many ignorant people out there wouldn’t be able to move past the incest connotation, if a romantic relationship between the Js had been revealed).

By about midway through 2009, I was 100% convinced of the fact that Jared and Jensen were absolutely in a long term relationship that I would guess began around season two of Supernatural but had been on its way since the end of season one and during the hiatus between seasons one and two (want to know why I think that? I’ll do a separate post on it), and that the relationship was, of course, being hidden from the public.

The things that ultimately convinced me as they kept adding up are what continue to convince people today, the same things I’ve been going over at length (too much length) in this answer: intimacy between Jared & Jensen that extends beyond friendship-

-inconsistency in the information presented to the public that revolves around J2 and their time together/circumstances relating to both of them/etc., Jared and Jensen’s respective pasts before meeting each other, and even what some people believe to be hints dropped by Jared and Jensen themselves about their true relationship.

A well-known example (again, among many) that I’ve talked about pretty extensively is Jensen posting a photo in front of a mural that reads “love is love,” a well-known LGBT slogan, and then Jared posting a photo of himself in front of a mural that reads “love will win” on the very same day and captioning it “every time.”

This did turn out to be pretty overwhelming *sighs* but I hope at the very least I’ve succeeded in giving you a somewhat clearer idea of why us tinhats feel the way we do about Jared and Jensen, and I want to encourage you again to reach out whenever you like about anything you’d like to know!

There’s no such thing as a dumb question, and there’s no such thing as too many questions.

Just remember that! ❤️

[just-the-mom-friend]

Here I go, making it awkward.

I just realized that my main tagline came from someone who I no longer talk to for various reasons. He used to tell me "If you stop thinking something is awkward, it won't be. It's only awkward because you make it awkward." Which sounds wise, but looking back I'm noticing that he only ever said it when something wildly inappropriate was said by him and I didn't know how to react. So, I have finally let go of that tagline after... 6? Years.

Little context as to why I want/need to change it for anyone who is curious:TW for manipulation and/or grooming.

I grew up talking to this guy, starting at age 13 for me and 16 for him, when I met him on one of those virtual world chatroom sites that are a thing. (I'm not an angel in this story. I was telling everyone I was 22 at the time. He also was lying about his age, as were all of the people we used to talk to.) He always had a specific way of speaking to me, which I read as a loving brother type rather than someone interested in me in any other way. We used to say we loved each other every night when we talked, and I guess I clung on to the affection I was receiving because I didn't hear it much at home. He began making more suggestive comments as we got older, making it more obvious that I needed to tell him my real age. (Y'know, being a literal child and all.) At age 14, I revealed my true age to all of my online friends at the time because it was getting to the point where I couldn't lie anymore. We began skyping a lot after the truth was told. Our friendship even got to the point where my mother had conversations with him while we were talking. It wasn't too weird, as it was more natural than typing, but eventually he began commenting on how gorgeous he thought I was and made it known that he found me attractive. I, once again, shrugged it off because brothers can say stuff of that nature and I wasn't exactly the most confident so the compliments made me like myself a bit more.

Years passed and we continued to talk. He lived in Australia and I lived in the US, making the times that we talked very odd sometimes. From age 13 to 16 I talked with this guy almost every single day and shrugged off weird behavior and comments whenever they would arrise as to avoid confrontation because, as I stated before, I clung on to the affection.

Around my 15th birthday, he informed me that he wasn't good for me and that he was going to stop talking to me. He said that he would just end up hurting me and that I shouldn't subject myself to dealing with that. Looking back, I wish I had let him leave, but instead I sent him a long paragraph begging him to stay in my life because I couldn't lose such a big part of my life. He ended up responding and we went on as if it had never happened.

A few short weeks passed and we were completely back to normal. He would invite me to play games with his friends where he would use only the nickname he gave me and didn't really like when I would introduce myself as Erin. Feeling a bit uneasy, I stopped hopping on to hang out with them.

It wasn't until he began speaking as though he controlled me and expressing how much he wanted to have sex with me at age 15 or 16 that I really got uncomfortable. He would always comment about how, if I was bad, I would have to be punished. (Want to throw it out there, it wasn't the dominant nature of the encounters that grossed me out. There is nothing wrong with that sort of conversation when both people are consenting adults.) There were a couple of months in which I played into it, teasing in ways that I shouldn't have been at 15 or 16, but in my head this was the internet and there were no consequences for jokingly playing into what he was saying. Even still, I would always remind him that the relationship we had was more of a family or sibling relationship and nothing more, to which he would always reply, "Hey, incest is wincest". I laughed at it the first time. And the second. But by the third time he said that phrase to me, I realized that maybe he wasn't joking. He once went on to explain it as something along the lines of "You're not my actual sister. It's not like I want to fuck my blood relative. But you're a different kind of sister to me." I began distancing myself, and he did the same. I had the mindset of If he wants to talk to me, he'll reach out which I guess I was correct about.

Around my 18th birthday, he sparked a conversation with me to catch up and whatnot which I assumed was going to be light-hearted and fun. Turns out he was just very excited that I was legal now and began pushing the idea of doing something over Skype. When I called him out for him being gross, for lack of a better term, he replied that it was his right as he earned it for grooming me for so many years. I was taken aback, mainly because I had to look up what exactly grooming meant. When I read up on it, I felt sick. I knew he wasn't joking, even though he swore he was. It made me look back on our entire 4 or 5 year friendship and take notice of everything that felt... Off. And it all made too much sense. I cried to my mother, who informed me that I shouldn't continue talking to him. I told all of my other internet friends and they all were horrified but not shocked, as they knew the kind of person he was. If I'm being honest with myself and anyone who has read this far, I continued to talk to him on and off for a couple years after that. Reaching out to complain about college or being an adult, I would willingly invite him back into my life, even if it was just for a moment.

The last time I talked to him was during the bad wildfires in Australia. I sent a quick message, shorter than a proper sentence, to make sure he was fine. He replied in the same way, short and to the point.

He's still a friend of mine on snapchat... I notice when he watches my stories. I take note of when my face or voice is showing/being heard. Maybe I like the idea of him seeing how I'm still standing and how I'm okay, or maybe I don't know how to let go of someone completely... Either way, One day I will be able to move on. Maybe if I manifest that thought, I'll be able to let go.