#or at least i think its learned. if im just misinterpreting things then welp lollllllll i guess im just meant to hate myself then
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#vent#negativity#i wish i was less bitter and full of hate and anger and frustration#i wish i never felt angry at all#i wish i can never raise my voice#i wish i can notice when im raising my voice and scaring ppl#i wish i had more self awareness to realise that im being mean and judgemental and scary#i wish i werent argumentative and stubborn#i wish i can go back to when i was 16 and genuinely thought i was a bad person and therefore every bad thing i do is just status quo#im so sick and tired of trying to improve as a person because i honestly feel like im getting worse and it makes me so scared knowing that#at least if i were sure of being a bad person again i wont feel this much anxiety and hurt over accidentally being a dick#god i wish i were still convinced i were a bad person then at least id think killing myself would actually solve things#idk anymore im just so sick and tired of being a human being who just wants to be loved but never feels loved because of learned self hatred#or at least i think its learned. if im just misinterpreting things then welp lollllllll i guess im just meant to hate myself then#im so sick and tired of being scared and waiting for the moment when people would just.... reject me completely and disown me#why do i have this fear since i was fucking 8 what fucking world is this that at 8 years old i was this fucking scared of being disowned#now im just waiting for my friends and the guy im currently talking to to just......... fucking stab me or some shit idk
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