#idk anymore im just so sick and tired of being a human being who just wants to be loved but never feels loved because of learned self hatred

[confusedsiewmai]

-

[the-trans-advice-blog]

a few years ago i sent in this ask to a different blog. i've been out as a trans guy for a couple years now, going by he/him and a different name, and i was happy with that even though i'd still question sometimes. but now i'm feeling suddenly really lost.

recently my chosen name and then he/him pronouns started to feel weird or off.

sometimes i get this strong feminine feeling, but it feels odd, like my friend was really tired and i was holding him and i felt this really maternal warm feeling, and then i felt like. sick.

one day i just suddenly had this feeling, like, "i'm a girl" and i started sobbing. and i told my mom i think im a girl after all, but i dont want to be ??

i told a close friend who's only ever known me as a guy to please use she/her and my birth name, and he's been doing a great job. but that feels off too, specifically the pronouns. it's like, i like it? but it's almost like i feel the she/her but not in a way that i'm a girl. and it feels weird

on a certain level i feel like i really WANT to be trans. i've started watching trans tiktoks and almost like trying to make myself feel trans again?? which i know is fucked up bc if im not im not, but idk why i want to be so bad. and i know people would say that its probably bc i am, but i just dont know

it feels like nothing is right anymore. i've also never wanted to consider being nonbinary of any type. i'm fine with other people being nonbinary, but it's never felt like it fits me. i don't know if i've got some internalised enbyphobia to work through but yeah.

anyway i'd really appreciate some advice please. thank you

Something that I’ve come to terms with recently is that no matter what I do I am trans. Even though I’ve started presenting more feminine and I enjoy being perceived femininely that doesn’t undo the fact that I’m cis. Maybe you want to explore using other pronouns or even using a combo of ones you’ve already used! There’s also terms like genderqueer that may fit you as well. I’d recommend looking into some nonbinary labels, there’s no pressure to call yourself nonbinary if you don’t want to either. You don’t have to figure out exactly what you are right now, just follow the feeling of whatever makes you the most happy and go from there.

I know it can be confusing but human beings are ever changing and I think that’s a beautiful thing. You don’t have to be a man or woman or nonbinary, you can just be you. If you find any micro labels that fit you better go for it! I’d personally recommend looking into genderfluid or other multi gender labels based on what you described.

I hope this helps my friend! Let me know if you need anything else.

P.S: you can use as many names, pronouns, and labels as you want :)

[mrstsung]

Can we stop writing fujin and raiden as demigods?! Fr can yall legit stop. Like rn just stop. No more. Stop writing that. Like im all for some things. But this is basic mk lore 101. Not whatever shitty retcon that 9,10,and especially 11 is trying to gaslight you into. No raiden n fujin are gods. Ok? So stop.

They are full blown gods. Not elder gods,they stepped down from that. To be protectors of earthrealm. Ok? THIS IS BASIC LORE 101!!!!

Demigods are legit half human half gods. Thry are the children of gods and mortals union. So unless you're saying they god fired or some mortal chick banged someone to make these two. Demigods make no sense. And because of how mortal kombat fucking works in order to participate they would need to be mortal and forego their godhood. They wouldn't need to do that as demigods. So this fucks up what mortal kombat is in the first fucking place. At this point its not even mortal kombat. Idk what the fuck this is truing to be anymore. I swear thry are legit trying to merge with the injustice games for brand and money and shitting on what mortal kombat was in the first place. And it pisses me off and it should for you as a fan too if you gave a rats ass. Especially as a gamer it pisses me off they prey on people thqt are so gullible for this shit too. And you guys fall for it every damn time.

FUJIN AND RAIDEN ARE FUCKING GODS. NOT DEMIGODS. YOU DUMBASSES. GOD NRS IS FUCKING STUPID. WHOMEVER IS WRITING MK11 SHOULD BE FIRED FOR NOT KNOWING A DAMN THING ABOUT MK LORE OUTSIDE OF A STUPID WIKI PAGE.

Fujin and raiden are gods. Not DEMIGODS.

GODS.

Full blown,ethereal,gods of storms.

Thry fucking god rid of legit everything that mortal kombat. MORTAL KOMBAT.

And i swear to god is trying to make mk injustice dc. Dcu bullshit.

THAT NOBODY FUCKING WANTS.

Weeeeee dont want fucking stupid superheroes!!!!!!!!

Im sick and tired of dumb American American comicbooks anymore. Im sick of superhero movies. And im sick of people thinking they are good. When they never can be good in todays climate where art is legit being killed for fucking money. The dollar. And fucking for what?

Because people cant fucking help themselves.

God. Im sick of this shit. Im sick of lame ass writing.

Im sick of American comicbooks. Fr.

If anyone writes one more thing about fujin and raiden being demigods one more time im gonna scream and burn down that fuckers house.

Any people that say they are fans should know the lore before mk9-mk11.

Anyways fuck NRS. And anyone who dares nerf raiden n fujin to make this lame ass excuse for a villain in mk11 look better which she really isn't.

I'd rather take cheesy horrible mk shit then whatever 11 is spewing out.

Demigods my asscrack.

Shit pisses me off

[mimipunk]

I hate human brains so much i want to smash them all into pieces. Being this way (idk if there's even a word to describe that ) can be lonely but thankfuly I don't hate my own brain as much...(unless when it gets sick) I'm also a socially anxious introvert and love myself enough to be ok and content on my own . If humans go against nature with their ethics , beliefs and opinions i might as well go against healthy behaviour and disconnect from everyone or just interact a little bit with some just to keep my sanity. (Oh..wait.. that's what I'm doing already..) I'll never find someone who thinks like me...so there's no point of stating my views anymore...so if I'm silent and they keep asking me why and making comments on that, I'll become violent... enough with that shit...i got tired of this fucking question... 'you should open up more' 'why are you so quiet' blah blah blah .. it's because i have nothing to talk about to you bitch! 1. I ain't feeling comfortable and I never will & 2. I don't speak stupid language .. im sorrey... Talk with someone else... I personally prefer talking to myself 💁🏻‍♀️

[glitchdollmemoria]

big stupid drunk trauma vent time, kids stay away etc etc, idk wtf to tag this as so just fucking warning for the r slur and ptsd bullshit and me being an alcie

man im tired of substance use issues being shameful im tired of the phrase "substance abuse" im tired of feeling like im doing something wrong im tired of feeling like i need to keep it hidden so people dont look down on me or worry about me or pity me or get angry again. im fucking tired of not being able to go a day sober from one thing or another. im tired of all this bullshit and im tired of feeling like i need to do something to get attention and simultaneously feeling horrified at the thought of anyone so much as looking in my direction right now. im tired of overstimulation and understimulation. i feel like im just some fucking crazy schizo retard who cant manage to do jack shit and i know im talking nonsense but whatever im fucking wasted so who even cares. i can barely remember whatever i said in the last sentence. im fucking tired of stupid fucking bluetooth headphones and the battery dying and leaving me without my music to regulate myself. fuck capitalist bullshit for phasing out headphone jacks and fuck me for losing track of my wired headphones that i could use with my computer if i even still have them, idk maybe some fucking cat chewed them up i dont remember. i have a stomachache from drinking too much and i keep thinking about that fucking person who chastised me saying theres better things to do than make myself sick like this as if i fucking have any alternatives. im tired tired tired of all this fucking garbage and i want to get it through my thick skull that im cared about but it doesnt work. i want to ask for help but i dont know how to without completely losing my shit from the shame and guilt so the best i can do is tuck this little whiny letter onto my dumbass blog and then try not to think im being guilt trippy. i want less distance, i wanna live in the same neighborhood as my friends and be able to check on them and get checked on, i want my partner to be here but i dont because he deserves better than what i am right now, i wanna stop having a hole in my stomach, i wanna feel okay at night, i want to stop thinking about all the shitty trauma that keeps piling up, i want to fucking feel okay and i dont know if its human nature to feel completely okay and maybe thats what were all chasing and maybe thats what drives us but it fucking hurts in the meantime. i want to stop being so fucking crazy all the time. i wanna drink until i throw up and then get comforted and be allowed to rest and feel sick for as long as i need to feel sick because the sick i normally feel isnt fucking good enough for anyone. i want yo fucking shut up already but i cant stop fucking talking because this is the only way i know how to ask for help!!! i know im seen as fucking pathetic by so many people because thats what people fucking tell me, im some miserable fuck whos pitiful and lesser and its fucking fine okay i get it, but i dont know what to do about it except drink and smoke and drink and smoke and get fucking left behind when im not sexy or fun or financially stable anymore. i dont like thinking about the shit people have done to me and i wanna know its done and over but i dont think it ever will be because theres always gonna be someone feeding into my stupid inferiority complex. i hate it and i dont know what the hell is salvageable anymore

[sar3nka]

Genuinely 2022 already topped 2021 in terms of new scars

[mai-alatte]

it's the not being understood that hurts. i don't know if i can ever let anyone understand me, if i don't understand me myself. it just makes me feel so alone, you know? i just want to end it. i don't think i can make anyone understand.

[entropys]

im gonna vent a little bc im about to explode ok. so . tomorrow i have a presentation for a group project that i kid you not the people im paired with did not do shit! they’re terrible i explained to them in detail like 3 times and they still don’t get it!!!!! like. its so easy sooo easyyyyyy idk why they don’t even want to TRY like im gonna rip my hair off i can’t do this i can’t deal with them sick and tired of being a “leader” (cause apparently i am a natural born leader) like what is wrong with them do they just love to see me suffer and write all the parts myself ???? and even if i did that they will still present it wrong and mess up everything i’ve worked for so i’ve given up fuck this group project btw! i can’t do this anymore .. like imagine explaining something so patiently step by step and they come back to you with a copy paste paragraph from WIKIPEDIA that has nothing to do with what you assigned them 😭😭 im not joking this actually happened and they gave it to me the night before the presentation too like wtf am i supposed to do with this??????? i hate people who don’t give a single shit about their grades when it comes to group projects idc if u get an F in all your classes I DO NOT CARE but when your grade affects other people too maybe have some human decency and do the work you’re supposed to do.. like just try even if its terrible just fucking TRY its not that hard

[orange-waterfalls]

Reader w/ wings headcanons(Markiplier Alter Egos)

ty @fancybootm​ for the request!

A/N: i just did all of them. every-all-everyone. Except Yandereplier, Silver Shepard, Ed Edgar... maybe others I’m not aware of at the moment... I tried to stick with a certain number of egos, but my hands just... they just kept moving. It is 11:00 pm when im writing this ya boy is TIRED. there are 1.6k words. It seems longer than it is bc bullet points. Bear with me. You can find the egos that you want easily. The reader is gender neutral. i am so sorry if this is not what you meant lol. on the bright side this is a good reference for all the egos i am open to writing for(also maybe others idk) so uh im keeping it enjoy. I’ll say... a T rating for cursing and also a bit of violence but literally like 20 words. mentions of injury. that’s it.

Requests are open!

Y/N(reader) with wings hcs

No one knows what the fuck you are, not even you

Ya got wings. That’s it.

Are you an angel? A faery? A phoenix? Who knows

You woke up one day in a forest remembering nothing

But you had wings

And then you got shot with an arrow

You ran away and hid in a cave

Darkiplier spends most of his time around you studying you

To see what you could possibly be

He still doesn’t know

He’s settled for calling you a “cryptid”

He’s slightly annoyed with the feathers you leave around the manor

He won’t tell you bc you can’t control that and it’d be rude

You read together in his study on occasion

You sit on the floor bc your wings get uncomfortable in chairs

In sympathy, he also sits on the floor

You think it’s sweet

You told him so and he sputtered out a “shut up and read your book”

He’s fairly fond of you

You’re good company to keep around

Wilford was the one who found you

He was walking through the forest, as one does, when he saw GIANT feathers

Naturally, he followed them

He found you in a cave with an arrow in your shoulder

He took you back to the manor and patched you up

He begged Dark to keep you there

He promised not to kill anybody for a month

He made it 15 days, which is a record

He’s very protective of you, not letting you out a lot since uh… hunters

You are his Sweet Little Songbird, light of his life, wind in his sails, 

if anything happens to you he will kill everyone in the manor and then himself

He helps you preen a lot

His hands are very gentle, surprisingly 

He spends the most time with you out of everyone

You play games, talk(well, he talks to you), and just hang out

He loves and adores you with his whole heart

Actor tolerates you, or so he says

He’s jealous of your wings

HE’S supposed to be the mysterious, sexy one!

But ok, yeah, you’re pretty interesting

He uses you in short films sometimes bc… well… wings

There are alot of things you can do with wings, surprisingly

He took you out into town one night

He shoved the wings under a thick jacket

You guys bought some clothes and food

He cut holes in the clothes for your wings, grumbling about a “waste of money” and “you never go out anyway” 

but he enjoyed spending a bit of time with you

Wilford nearly killed him(again) when he found out

He likes venting to you bc you just nod without really listening

As I said, you’re good company

Yancy thinks you’re nice

He felt a bit… threatened at first

Ya got WINGS, of course he’s cautious

But they are very pretty

And he likes to use you in choreography

People always comment on how realistic the wings are as Yancy leads you away

You don’t judge him for killing his parents, he likes that about you

You don’t know. You could’ve done something bad. You don’t remember

He likes cuddling bc you wrap your wings around him and he feels safe

He also helps you preen… sometimes… 

He’s… really bad at it...

You like listening to him sing

He sings you lullabies at night

You’re very close

Illinois is very fascinated with you

He’s convinced you’re a fairy

He’s seen quite a few of those

You tell him you don’t know, and he goes “a LiKeLy StOrY”

He likes drawing you

You’re very angelic

“Oh, maybe an angel then…” He says, like an idiot

He takes you with him on a few adventures to fly him over pits and stuff

He’d never admit it but he has a… THING about heights

It’s called a phobia, you egotistic maniac

You try to help him with it

You never get that far off the ground before he’s screaming to be put down

He appreciates the effort

He gives you things he finds on adventures that are pretty or remind him of you

He infodumps to you about curses, and archaeology, and adventuring, etc.

Magnum is uh… well, he’s Magnum

He figures you’d be useful out at sea

You can find nearby land, ships, or treasure by flying, of course

He didn’t take into account the fact that you don’t really… fly that often.

So it turned into you just stretching your wings instead of looking for loot

Once you fell overboard

Everyone was like “eh, they can fly, it’s fine”

Then they realized that you probably can’t since your wings might be wet

Magnum LEAPED into the fuckin water and THREW you back on

He doesn’t take you on the sea as much anymore

sometimes you talk about life, treasure, love, y'know the usual

He’s very Father Figure-ly

Bim isn’t sure how to feel about you

You are a person. With wings. What’s he supposed to do about that

He’s friends with Wil, so has to tolerate you at least.

He tries to make conversation, but it doesn’t always go as well as it could

You don’t have much to talk about, and some of his topics worry you

Mostly you two just kinda… exist in the same general area

Sometimes he’ll discuss what he should do on his show

You don’t have many ideas

But you’ve gotten an idea of what it is, and sometimes give a suggestion or two

He appreciates you for that

He tried to get you on the show once but Wilford refused

You kinda wanted to, but whatever

You’ll hang out sometimes too

He’s very entertaining, he has to be

Eric is kind of scared

Not that you’ll hurt him, that he’ll hurt you

That happens a lot to people he likes…

He eventually starts hanging out around you

You don’t ask bad questions, and you distract him from his dad

He talks about animals with you a lot, and how he wanted a farm

You bought a cowboy hat and gave it to him and he cried

You also gave him a stuffed cow one day

He hugged you for a long time

You two cuddle a lot bc the boy needs SAFETY and SECURITY

You wuv each other(platonically or otherwise)

Dr. Iplier doesn’t bother you, mostly

He appreciates that you keep to yourself

He has his work, that’s what he’s focused on

Sometimes he’ll see you when you try to find Wilford or get some food

He tries to get a good look at you without looking suspicious

It doesn’t work, he always falls over

He once gave you a “physical”

It was mostly to just figure out what you were

You seemed mostly human based on the results

But goddammit you had WINGS

They had their own function but were sort of like an add-on to your body

He was slightly disappointed you weren’t gonna… turn into a whole bird

You tolerate each other

Google fuckin’ hates you

He’s completely perplexed by you

Which he is never because he is the most intelligent being on the planet

So he assumed he could figure out what you were

Turns out google fucking sucks at figuring out things people don’t already know

So he hates you. Like a lot

He’s tried to kill you multiple times

But his objective is to destroy MANKIND

You are not included in that

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE!!!

Also Wilford almost killed him for it

So yeah he just kinda hates you

You’ve tried to get along with him but he just wouldn’t

He finally talked to you when Bing called him a little bitch

Still hates you, but can tolerate your existence now

Bing fuckin’ adores you

You are just wonderful to him

You can FLY??!! You have WINGS???!!!!!

You don’t really care that he is an artificial BEING????!!!!!!!!

You’re perfect

He does Sick Tricks™ to try to impress you

They never do

You appreciate the effort

You don’t see him a lot, but when you to it’s very entertaining

He taught you how to skateboard

You kinda sucked but he’s very supportive

He likes just hanging around you

It’s the only time he ever chills the fuck out

Everyone’s thankful to you for that

Your entire dynamic is “what if... i put... my minecraft bed... next to yours? haha just kidding... unless?”

The Host doesn’t really care about the wings??

I mean, he can’t see them, so… what’s the big deal

You appreciate that

He still does the uh… narration thing… with real people…

The stories end better now

You convinced him to make the stories end better

You sat with him to make SURE the stories end better

He also started writing novels recently

You help with plot and character development

He appreciates that

The Jims… don’t really care about you

I mean you’re interesting, of course

But they physically Cannot get a clear picture of you

Even if you agree to sit still, it just doesn’t happen

It is always, ALWAYS blurry

They eventually give up and leave you alone

They do spend a bit of time with you

You help them with demon episodes sometimes

You don’t do much, but they like the emotional support

King of the Squirrels is… well, he’s him

He doesn’t… he doesn’t do much

He hangs out with his squirrels. That’s pretty much it.

You just started hanging out with him one day

He didn’t mind

You two feed the squirrels while sitting by a tree

He lets you wear his crown sometimes

He draws his squirrels, and lets you see the pictures

He teaches you how to draw them

You two don’t talk, really

You just sit. And hang out.

He doesn’t really smile, but you can tell when he’s happy with you

[q-gorgeous]

The Unworld

fanfiction

ao3

HI THIS IS A REPOST jnbhgv i originally posted this march 15th, 2018 on ffn but im gonna start going through the painstaking process of posting all my fics on ao3 so were just gonna go in order starting with the first one

idk if i ever posted this on my main blog so

I’ve been drifting around this place for what feels like millenniums. I can’t remember how I ended up here, just that one day I found myself unfortunate enough to be taken here. There’s no light, no ghastly glows from any other creatures. I’ve been here so long I can no longer even tell if I’m still blinking. 

This place has no real feeling to it. Just vast emptiness. It doesn’t really feel like it goes on forever, and it’s not a heavy, overwhelming type of emptiness either. The temperature feels as if it’s at a comfortable point, but I begin to wonder if I’ve just grown used to the climate of this strange place after being here for centuries. My fingertips are still cold though. That’s one thing I remember from my life all that time ago. I could never conquer the cold, no matter how bundled up I was. 

I’ve also begun to notice that my form is no longer the same as when I first arrived here. I feel lighter now than I did then. Sometimes I also feel as if my legs turn into a tail as I float here. I’m not sure why that is, I’ve just come to see it as evolving to my surroundings, becoming my surroundings. I think that might be what happens to other beings who get stuck here. They get eaten and picked at by this place. Because I can’t be the only one who’s had the unfortunate luck to get stuck here, can I?

I also believe that beings trapped here get devoured because I can feel myself becoming wispy, like I’m made out of a flickery material similar to fire. Bits by bits of myself flake off in the flowing rhythm my body has taken on. 

As my train of thought goes in circles on it’s tracks with no end, I realize something that I haven’t tried to do for a long time. 

Move. 

Walk. 

Get around. 

It must’ve been quite a few centuries since I’ve tried to look for a way to escape this dark place. I was still more corporeal then, still knew how to work my limbs. Would I even be able to make it a few steps before growing weary and succumbing to this place once again?

As I think and think and think, I come to the conclusion that nothing would hurt whether I did it or not. I began by trying to take a step forward in front of me but I’m not standing on anything to take a step from. As I lose my balance and begin to wobble, my legs turn into a flickering tail once again and I balance out. I begin to float forward more steadily now, as if my tail is helping to propel me. 

I go on for what could be minutes, hours, or even years until I come across something that feels so alien but oh so familiar at the same time. 

Gravity. 

There’s a weight pulling me towards what I assume is down. At first I just quietly observe what’s happening. But then I hear something that isn’t the ever so slowly shallower and shallower breaths I’ve been taking for centuries. It’s loud and it isn’t something I’ve ever heard before. And then…

I can see. 

There’s a fluorescent green glowing above me. I look at my arms, wispy and shadow like, reflecting the green light. 

My escape is above me. The opposite way that I’m floating.

I begin to propel myself upwards, trying to fight the ever increasing feeling of gravity as it pushes harder and harder against me. Soon I’m clawing myself up, fingers gripping a wall, it bends against my fingers and it’s the most wonderful thing I can ever remember feeling. Something beneath my fingers. 

As I make my way up I begin to wonder how I know this is an escape. Who knows whether or not this place is controlled by some other powerful being, or if this is just the last stage before my existence is finally wiped away. I just know that I need to pull myself over this wall and into this light. 

Pulling myself over the wall is excruciatingly painful and tiring. I haven’t used my muscles for anything except breathing in centuries. At one point, I lost my hold and almost fell from the wall but I managed to keep my grip and keep climbing up. 

As I finally pull myself up over the wall, I look at the green light, triumphant, but I notice that it’s getting smaller and smaller. Disappearing, my last chance. 

Panicking, I dive into the portal, crashing into a solid floor on the other side. 

My senses are immediately overwhelmed. I can feel gravity and the floor crowding in from all around me. I can smell different scents that I can’t recognize, this place smells burnt, caustic, and slightly of a sweet smell that makes my mouth begin to water. The most overwhelming though is sound. So much is happening. I can hear sets of shouts, but I can also hear whirring. The sound of electricity mixes with the sound of someone screaming and through my panicked state on the floor I begin wondering what’s happening around me in this new world I fell into. 

I drag myself up into a sitting position, and gap at the sight before me. A young being falls out of the glowing, fluorescent light that I made my escape through. Had there been someone else in there with me this whole time? Had I not realized it? The screaming has stopped now that the figure with snow white hair exited the portal and collapsed. 

This being does not appear to be human. 

Am I even human anymore?

I begin to creep forward to ask them a question when two teenagers rush past me and collapse next to the second being to escape from the portal. 

Confused, I begin to pull myself towards the creature on the ground. Why couldn’t his friends see me? Am I not visible?

The boy opens his glowing green eyes and looks at the two humans above him.

“Sam? Tucker?” He asks.

I’m flabbergasted. How could he know their names? It is nearly impossible to escape from that place. How could he happen to know these two humans?

They three have a few more exchanges before the boy is standing. He looks around and finds a reflective fixture hanging on the wall. What’s the word for it again? It’s been so long…

As the boy takes a look at his appearance, he begins to shake. He shakes his head back and forth, clearly in a state of panic. 

“N-no, guys how can this be happening? Why do I look like this? Why do I feel so strange? Why-.”

Suddenly he stops speaking, looking at the ground he turns around to face his friends. He looks up, with a shocked expression on his face before he quietly whispers.

“Am I dead?” 

The three look around at each other, at a loss for words in their fear. Soon enough a big rumbling comes from above and the three teens look up. Panic falls across all of their faces. 

A worried voice comes from the entryway to the room.

“Danny, kids, are you okay?”

The one I presume to be Danny, begins to breathe more heavily as his eyes widen. 

“They can’t see me like this. What would I tell them? ‘Your invention works but it killed me’?”

The two try to calm him down but a sudden burst of white light emits around him and engulfs him from his head to his toes. Once it dies down a human boy can be seen standing in his place, with raven black hair and baby blue eyes. 

At that moment his parents rush downstairs and begin coddling him, making sure he’s okay when they see the portal behind him. They wear a shocked expression, but quickly shake their heads and rush their son upstairs. Soon a door can be heard slamming shut and something speeds away. 

My mind is reeling at everything I just witnessed. More than anything I have witnessed in the last few centuries. But that boy didn’t come from inside the portal like I did. 

He’s the reason it turned on. 

I float towards the portal, peering at it but not daring to go inside, lest I get trapped in that dark nothingness once again. 

This changed something about that boy, this isn’t something that should have happened. I’m sure of it. 

I turn to look in the… Mirror! It’s called a mirror. At first I can’t see myself but then I flicker into existence and I can see what I look like for the first time in as long as I can remember. 

It’s not what I was expecting. I appear translucent and wispy, my eyes also a glowing green. I look as if I were a fire so cold it were a shadow. 

I once again look around the room, feeling lost and alone. I’m unsure what to do with my new found freedom, knowing I can’t pick up where I left off. I don’t even know when I left off. 

I make my way up the...stairs. 

I see a burst of orange light coming from outside the house and look through the window. The sun is closing in on the horizon. I try to turn the doorknob but find that my hand passes straight through it instead. Looking at it in shock, I just float straight through the door. 

I sit down on the grass outside, relishing in the cool feeling of it as I wait for the boy to come home. 

I’m unsure on what I should do now, but one thing I think I need to do is stay here and help this boy however I’m meant to. 

Because why else would I have escaped the Unworld? It couldn’t have been a coincidence. 

My memories begin to resurface now that I can interact with anything that isn’t a numbing darkness. I can feel the memories of my capture welling up. 

This...halfa… escaped the wrath of the Unworld and death. 

This halfa got the chance that I did not. I got sucked in by a portal whose calculations were off by a point and while I believe the same being changing experience happened to us both, he got the chance of them being right this time. 

I look back at the house that I’m sitting in front of. As my memories return I realize that I hadn’t actually been in that place for centuries. 

It looks like it hasn’t even been a year. 

Two portal accidents in the time frame of a year. 

I always knew that their sick obsession with ghosts would eventually end up hurting one of us. 

But you’d think that after accidentally letting your only daughter walk right in the middle of an experiment, that they would learn their lesson. Especially after learning she disappeared from it’s effects. 

But now, her little brother was now a victim of their twisted obsession too. 

As I sit in our small patch of grass in front of the house, something happens. A ring of white light spreads up and around me. Holding my hands up, I see that they are my hands. Peachy, solid hands.

I look up to see my family gaping at me from the RV. Tears spring to my eyes and they exit the vehicle and run towards me. 

I’m not sure what happened to Danny and I, but I know that, together, we’ll conquer this challenge.

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[flightless-icarus]

may 20, 2020

so, since this is for my therapist, i wont be doing much introductions. yall will just have to get to know me as this goes if anyone else besides her is reading this.

today wasn't very eventful, or productive. i mean, it was a little productive, i got some of my panels done for my comic! i think about 3 or 4? i want to do a few more before i go to bed since i need to be doing 10ish a day to meet my quota. or im not gonna meet my deadline. i worry about not meeting that deadling a lot, im scared i wont be able to meet it. and i really feel like i shouldn't and cant miss this opportunity.

so as of right now, im a bit upset. it's 11pm and my mom went to take a shower, and, i know i said last time that i shouldnt be snooping but i keep getting super paranoid about them talking about me and what they're planning because, like everyone else ive ever lived with, is pretty quick to kick me out without even mentioning anything.

so i read her texts between her and my dad, and they were pretty hurtful?? i keep worrying, especially now, that i am the problem. like my dad mentioned in texts to my mom that "she hasn't talked to me in 10 days, why is she even here? is this still supposed to be part of her growth?"

1. ive been here for 2 months, who expected any growth in 2 months? especially when im still in the process of trying to solve problems and work through problems,  and 2. WHY would i want to talk to him? plus he hasnt talked to me!!! why does he think he can complain about me not talking to him when he hasn't done the same thing with me in 10 days!!

but, idk. anyway, i feel like im the problem. shitty situations follow me around and i feel like i just can't click with people anymore. i feel like im the toxic one, especially after reading those messages about my mom telling my dad she things im just full of myself, and him saying im this ungrateful, wasteful, disrespectful human being and how i trigger him so much and he's so scared i'll use shit against him, but he doesn't care to think about my feelings either?

i dont think im ungrateful, im grateful im being given a place to stay, but im not a fan of having to live with him again considering how much bullshit he put me through growing up. if i had somewhere else to go, and money to do it, i'd probably spit in his face and tell him to never speak to me again.

id love to get away from him again. despite the paranoia of him showing up at my door when i lived in oregon,  it still felt so amazing to be away from him. i know my mom isn't great but i dont know i still like her. i probably shouldnt, since she thinks im just as insufferable as he thinks.

i feel like im reverting back to how i was when i lived here the first time. i feel like theyre erasing all the progress ive made over the years with my ability to speak out when i feel likeim not being treated right. i dont even feel like i agree with the things theyre saying about me in text?? im not a bad person?? im not full of myself, or acting aggressively (unless provoked), and im not being ungrateful. im a little wasteful but that has a lot to do with my food anxiety. i wont eat anything if its been in the fridge for longer than a couple days, so i throw a lot of stuff out. and i feel bad, but if i eat it, even if its good, the anxiety of eating it will make me sick. and that just feeds the "see i shouldn't have eaten that, it made me sick"

i feel like i dont belong, i feel like im not welcome anywhere. i just want to move out and live alone and just die alone. i feel like thats the route im heading anyway.

i still find myself forcing myself not to cry, even right now.

im sad, im hurt. i feel like im the problem. i feel unwanted everywhere i go, i even feel like my own best friend only talks to me out of pity. i always worry she doesn't actually want to speak to me, she just does because she feels bad and doesn't want to take away the only friend i have. she knows shes my only friend. and has been for like 3 years now.

ive been feeling a lot of either nothing or sadness lately too, but tonights just worse that normal. part of it is from the Joker movie and part of it is from reading those texts. i want to say theyre gaslighting or theyre just saying that shit to get in my head, but those are private conversations, those are genuine, private thoughts theyre having. i mean... maybe theyre having those thoughts because they feel like im some awful person so their view of me is bad?? i dont know. i really dont. i always kinda thought my mom was at least sorta on my side, especially when she complains so much about how badly he talks about me and how she hates that he hates me.

i thought she was at least with me on this but i dont know. i dont know, and i dont like that i dont know. i dont know who to trust, or how to feel. i just feel like i should start keeping my mouth shut again because thats when the peace was being kept the best.

"dont speak unless spoken to".

right now, im: sad, anxious, a little nauseous, even sadder now that my cat has gotten off my lap, i have a headahce, and im tired but i dont think ill be able to sleep. i want to cry, i have the lump in my throat, but i don (i ended it here)

[ssweeneys]

i’m having a REALLY bad day

or really past couple of weeks where work is concerned and i just wanna vent bc you know sometimes people out there in the working world understand ya know???

its long, beware. idek if i’ll keep this up its more so for me to just let it out.

so like i’m an office admin for a company (we’ll leave it nameless for protection purposes) and like i supervise receptionists for my office so i’m kinda an office manager but not technically? if that makes sense.

anyway. people these days just don’t want to fucking work like EVER and like to start jobs and then up and vanish to collect that unemployment which to me is really just dumb since there are rules to it in every state and nine times out of ten you’re making like 60% of what your normal paycheck would be and thats surely not enough to live on, so like ??? i don’t get it.

there’s been a constant rotation of receptionists come and go over the last couple of months and two girls who work for me have stepped in on numerous occasions. one lady is in her 60s and doesn’t know anything about computers and is kind of dense?? to say the least. nothing against old ladies. i actually find a majority of them cute or hilarious bc they say what they think and dont give a f*ck who it offends and sometimes that blunt honesty is refreshing and you just need it in a world where people bullshit you 24/7 to further themselves for selfish gain and yaddy yada

anyways.. over recent weeks she’s become more and more intolerable to deal with. i ask her to do things and she gives me attitude and its like the simplest of things.. like email this person, make sure you let this person know they got a package, etc, etc. she can’t do even the most basic of tasks without screwing up. her attitude is just atrocious.

and due to people coming and going i’ve had to alter our schedule a lot. recently, one girl requested off so i adjusted the older lady’s hours (lets call her--carla) mind you carla only works 1 day a week and i’ve been super generous in giving her the entire week of christmas off so -- yeah.

anyways the girl who requested off (we’ll call her nicole) told me she didnt need those days off anymore and so i fixed the schedule one more time to her original days/hours.

now, i print off the schedule every time a change is made and whoever is at the reception desk i tell them to let the other girls know and post it right by the computer they sit at every day so theres no excuse for anyone to say i didnt make them aware. well carla is not the brightest bulb as we already established and she doesnt pay attention so we pretty much have to coddle her apparently and make sure she understands (although its pointless bc she doesnt no matter how hard you try to explain something to her) ANYWAYS she comes in on nicoles day when she wasnt supposed to anymore bc the schedule was fixed, posted, etc. and she gets mad when i ask her why shes there. and yes, i understand that the rotation has fucked us all over and up in so many ways. she is not the only victim here. this has been stressing me out left and right and to no end for MONTHSSSSS. so like i get it? i’m sympathetic to that. i understand the confusion and frustration, i’m right there with them.

HOWEVER, because she’s annoyed/mad/whatever she gives me attitude all day yesterday and is flagrantly disrespectful. i’m her supervisor, regardless is someone upsets you, act professional.

but she doesn’t. we know that. or at least I DO. anyhow.. she’s mad. she’s pissed off right? she’s got an attitude. she sees the new schedule, she brings it to me in my office and asks if its the correct one for tomorrow WHICH SHE IS ON!!! let me make that clear. she was on. she asks if its correct, i’m in the middle of composing an email so i take a moment to respond ‘yes’ she huffs, storms off and goes “you know what? nevermind” i’m like.... okay?? i brush it off. i’ve been brushing off her poor attitude all damn day and i dont say A THING. BC I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND. IM SYMPATHETIC TO THAT. we all have bad days. we all get a little frustrated sometimes. we’re human, yeah?

yeah. right. ok.

so then like... carla is working the morning shift for nicole. both carla and nicole showed up. carla pitched a fit bc she came in and was already there and didnt want to go home so nicole was so sweet about it and said thats okay, she can work i understand. bc even though nicole is like half her age, she’s MATURE.

at this point i dont even understand why carla is so upset? she got to stay. she got the hours. she’ll be making the money. all is good right? WRONG.

when the next girl comes in for the afternoon shift, i over hear carla telling her about the mishap that happened that morning (yesterday) and my office is literally maybe 6-7 feet from the front desk so i can hear EVERYTHING that goes on. i mean this is my job. i’m pretty much in charge of making sure the office is running, our employees are happy, etc.

so yeah i over hear carla telling this girl that and i quote “yeah nicole came in this morning and the schedule was switched around and i stayed because i was already here. (then something unintelligible I cant make out bc her voice lowers) you know, it really pisses me off that this keeps happening.”

SHE SAID THIS. TO A NEW GIRL. MAKING ME, NICOLE, EVERYONE LOOK BAD EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED, NICOLE APOLOGIZED, I APOLOGIZED FOR THE MISHAP, IVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR THIS LADY TO PACIFY HER OR WORK WITH HER OR COMPENSATE HER.

so its so infuriating, disrespectful and really downright disgusting for her to trash me, my name, etc to someone. but you know what? I DONT SAY ANYTHING. I dont cause a scene. I go about my business and let it roll off my shoulders bc at this point I know if I say anything its just going to turn ugly and I’m in a professional setting. Sometimes its better to bite your tongue, hold your head up high and move the fuck on about your business.

NOW... oh now, we’re on today. carla is scheduled to work. she came into my office, confirmed it, she was FULLY AWARE OF THIS.

so nicole calls her 5 mins before shes scheduled to clock in and is politely like hey you on your way? and carla is like oh no i don’t work today.

BITCH! THE FUcK YOU MEAN????? WE CONFIRMED THIS LITERALLY!!!!!!!!

omg i cannot at this point i really cannot

but lets proceed... so carla. she’s like yeah i dont come in, tells nicole to check with me. nicole comes to me, i smh and just sigh and am like ok i’m sorry can you please call her back and tell her shes supposed to be here and if theres any issues, transfer the call to me. so nicole calls her, they’re talking, carla is being a cunt (sorry at this point you are) and so i talk to her and shes like you know, this is so frustrating i came in there i asked you if i was supposed to work and you said no (the other girl she trash talked to idk who to name her) and IM LIKE SITTING THERE GOING ????? WHEN????? TO MYSELF BC WE JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION

MY PATIENCE IS SO THIN, ITS NON EXISTENT AT THIS POINT IM OVER IT

IM TIRED

IM SO FUCKING TIRED AND SICK OF HAVING TO PICK UP THE SLACK AND DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF BC NO ONE CAN COME TO WORK, DO THEIR JOB AND GO HOME.

can i just make a point too that we make $12 an hour here. sometimes we are LITERALLY SO BORED we have nothing to do. we can read books or watch netflix if no one is around or i even have time to rp at times. so like THIS IS THE EASIEST JOB IN THE WORLD A FUCKING MONKEY could do it.

all you do is answer phones and transfer calls or send an email

its LITERALLY. THAT. FUCKING. SIMPLE????

so like i just dont get it

but back to the point... carla is arguing with me, basically saying my communication sucks, i’m unprofessional (which is laughable but ok) etc...

and i just cant hold it in anymore?? and i’m like well carla, i’m sorry you feel that way and i understand where you’re coming from but i don’t appreciate that you were disrespectful yesterday, you told (new girl) that you were pissed off about what happened and proceeded to talk about me in a really unsatisfactory way.

and she WANTED TO TRY AND SAY THAT THIS WAS A DEFAMATION TO HER CHARACTER. WHEN SHE FUCKING SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!! i mean you can’t but if you were to ask anyone i know i have freakishly good hearing and it gets on my family’s nerves all the time bc i need quiet when writing and i have to beg them to turn their tvs down low just so i can concentrate.

I FUcKIng HEARD THESE EXACT WORDS COME OUT OF HER MOUTH!!!! and she wants to sit here and say that i’m defaming her character.

NO BITCH. Im repeating what I fucking heard you say!!!

why would i make that up? why??? how does that benefit me in any way??? what does that do for me???? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! i’m not benefitting from anything here.

in addition when talking to her on the phone i bring up the fact that she brought the schedule to me (the correct one which SHE IS ON) and asked me to verify if it was correct. but then proceeds to say in the same breath (contradicting herself) that she’s going off the old one????? like okay????? but you’re wrong?? SHE EVEN SAYS ITS AN OVERSIGHT ON HER CHARACTER, SHE ALREADY MADE PLANS YADDY YADA, SHE CANT COME IN TODAY

moral of the story is... she’s dumb. she’s a fucking cunt. and i hate people who try to spin things and victim blame and tell you you’re defaming their character when you call them out on something real they actually said because they’re scared little pussies and can’t just admit its what they fucking said.

yo i’d have a lot more respect for you if you just admit it. i’m not even mad??? i dont give a fuck what you think or feel about me. when i leave here every day i dont come home and cry about work or how people feel about me there.

work me is different from real me. I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. CARE. work people do not know me on a real level only a professional one. i am here to do a job, to make money, to pay bills, to LIVE. i am not here to fret over the opinions of people who do not follow me home, who do not know the real me. WHO. DO. NOT. FUCKING. MATTER.

POINT FUCKING BLANK.

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE

like seriously?? GOD FUCK! i’m so angry.

if you read all of this, like thanks for letting me vent to a total stranger lmao you’re a real one, may you be blessed today and always.

onto that note... i gotta get back to work. (lmfao fucking irony at its finest)

[teawiththegods]

SS1: Sorry this is not related to religion or anything. I'm kinda struggling with my sexuality. I used to be so sure I liked girls. e.g when i went to my friends 18th last year, there was this girl there and holy lord. She was, is, the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in the entirety of my brief existence. I cannot even begin to describe, english does not have words adequate enough to tell of her beauty. So when spin the bottle began, i was like, lord pls. ok this is a bit long sorry

SS2: ok we back, sorry, i just have a lot of feels atm. I hope this is ok. Sorry. Where was I, spin the bottle. I literally have never wanted to kiss and hug and love someone more in my brief life so I was in. I also was so fkn afraid oml! Again, cannot describe the fear. SO the bottle spins a few times and it doesnt hit me, or her, its everyone else. i am just there, stock still and so afraid, cause I have never kissed anyone or been kissed, let alone by someone so divine! and then I spun it an SS3: and it landed on her. and i stg i had a heart attack or an outer body experience. and she could see i was hesitant so could my friends (I feel like i should clarify it was a few girls and one guy, and I am a girl so this is new territory for me) but they asked me if i had every kissed anyone and I was like no cause twas the truth and my mumma didnt raise no liar. But i was just frozen in my spot looking at her like a dumbass cause she was so mcfreakin beautiful and so she was like SS4?: she was like how about you kiss my cheek. So i did and oml, she was so soft and her eyes are so beautiful and yeah. and then i spun the bottle again and it landed on another girl and so i kissed her cheek and then stuff and 100% regret, not kissing her like deep deep regret but at the same time, ya girl was aboutta have a full on anxiety attack, not hyperbole, like my breath was fkn gone. but still big big regret and at this point your probably like, well there is your answer however SS5 (im sorry this is so long but i have no one to talk to about this and i cant get it off my mind tonight): However, (context, i came out as bi a few years ago) My parents sat me down and were like "Are you really bi because aside from dropping the term, ha gay, or, thats how i knew i was bi, here and there, you don't talk or express this." and i couldn't speak. I felt like I had become totally mute. I wanted to say bisexuality was a spectrum and that yeah, maybe i like lots of dudes but i was SS6: (SO SORRY!!!) but i was so sure that i liked girls. and they took my silence as proof and I couldn't say anything. I had nothing so they were like, "you cant pretend, it doesn't end well" and I was like ye, i know thanks except i couldnt talk so i sat there like a dumbass just agreeing with what they said cause i made sense, and it does make sense. my mum said "you can have huggy touchy relationships with girls without it being sexual or romantic" which made sense. but at the same time, i SS7: (Yikes this is long im so sorry), I can guarantee you, the way i wanted to worship that girl was romantic af. I didn't want to talk boys or converse over common interest and that be all. For the hour or so that I talked to her till the moment, she curled up in my lap (twas a party, she was drunk and i wasn't going to do anything cross my heart hope to die also i a lot of person and I sort of think we had a thing but idk again she was drunk so all kinda nullified). In the hour or so i talke SS8: Sorry, as i was talking to her that night. I kinda rlly wanted to ask her out on a date. I wanted to spoil her, learn beside. Like she cooks and like real health food stuff, and she is so beautiful. I almost got cooking lessons from her but we're both so busy. Her passion is just so beautiful. I want to take her on picnics, hug her, forehead kiss her, I wanted to shower her in rose petals, buy her flowers, I wanted to have late night talks with her and know her ins and outs. We talk a while SSLastoneipromise: we talked a while after the party but, not anymore, I still follow her on instagram but, she's so far away and things are how things are sometimes and i get that. but my point is. She makes me question my questioning. Like was i right the first? Why can't I talk about it when it's important? like I know, 100%, that i was and am attracted to her, with feelings i do not have for my friends. I am frustrated and just want to know what is going on in my head! does that make sense? SSiknowisaidthelastonewastheLASTonebutitsthisone: i feel like i should mention that its not just her there are other women, i find attractive. i am just so sick of questioning and i am tired (sorry i am slightly sleep deprived which is why i am being a wanker) and I just want to exist as is and it not be a thing. like... does it matter if don't like tons and tons of girls, does it matter that is just one here and there that just blows me away

Just because you don’t or can’t talk about it doesn’t negate your feelings or your sexuality. Like I couldn’t talk about my abusive relationship for awhile so does that mean I wasn’t abused? I don’t talk about being a Hellenic Polytheist most of the times, does that mean I’m not one? No it doesn’t and the same applies to your bisexuality.

You are what you say you are. You said you felt so sure you were bisexual so that means you’re bisexual. No one else has the right to tell you who you are or to make you question what you know to be true in your heart. 

And you def can’t go by straight people or really anyone who isn’t bisexual, because there’s so many misconceptions on what bisexuality is and how its expressed, biphobia, and bi erasure that majority of the time non bisexuals have no fucking idea what they are even talking about. So don’t even listen to their nonsense. 

If the label of bisexuality resonates with you then claim it. It’s yours. 

[leesungjongg]

ok i literally dont know how to start this and it’s going to be a mess but idc, i want to say it (and i’ll probably regret it in the far future but w/e). sorry to mobile users. i dont normally make posts like this so this is kind of rare but

sometimes when i have like 50 text messages unread on my phone, i get really, really overwhelmed and i don’t want to talk to anyone. like some days im just like get away from me, don’t touch me, don’t even LOOK at me bc i don’t want to interact with anyone in the world (and this sounds really really mean and not like how i respond to people irl - or even over text anyway - at all)

but that only happens sometimes. (maybe more over the summer tbh.)

most of the time, idk man but i love getting attention from people, because it makes me feel less invisible you know? like oh shit i actually exist and people actually know me and like me and actually want to talk to me. like half the time i’m in my own world, the other half im legit working on homework or some kind of assignment that requires my atttention. 

like today, or like lately, idek why, i’ve been feeling a little down (since like last thursday i think but like lowkey sad, nothing too serious - i think it’s because of stress maybe but also who knows. i’m gonna go talk to my counselor next week so hopefully everything - idek what ‘everything’ even is- clears up by then) and like deadass i see my friends and everytime they come say hi to me or start up a conversation for a short while, my mood instantly boosts up to “i am so happy” and it makes me feel so so nice. i literally don’t know why, but i love seeing them and i love it more when they see me and decide to come by and say hi. 

and this isn’t even limited to people i know irl, like even when someone on here comes and sends me a message, i get really excited just to see what it is (i still get a little overwhelmed because i literally don’t know how long the messages are going to be or how short they’ll be and then im like ugh let’s just look at it and then im like omg this is awesome, i should respond before i forget) 

it’s just like these little things that let me know that ok yes, there are people out there who actually care about me and enjoy talking with me or to me. on one hand, i consider this kind of sad and lowkey pathetic, but on the other, im like ok this obviously means you love and cherish your friends and adore spending time with them, and also, it means you’re human and affection is normal, so how is this a bad thing?

but it’s just something that’s been on my mind recently. i think it’s also because it’s my last year of college and im honestly truly dreading the moment i graduate, or even worse yet, when my friends graduate this December, and im really worried/sad that i won’t be able to see them ever again, and that’s like terrifying. and i hate thinking that all of this is going to end. like as if my happiness has a deadline and it’s the day i graduate and then everything will go to hell and i’ll live the rest of my life being miserable. which ISN’T true, like obviously life has its ups and downs but im thinking back to high school and how i thought everything was okay, but by the time i entered senior year, i hated everyone and i was so so tired. like extremely sick of my classmates and everything and i wanted it all to be over and i was dreading college because i was worried it would be high school but ten times WORSE. except it’s been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and now it’s my last year of college, and i don’t want to leave because i’m scared that once i do leave, no one will contact me ever again and i’ll never see my friends again and i’ll be lonely. and i hate thinking that so so much. because i know everything will be okay eventually, but i don’t want this feeling to end. i love being surrounded by my friends, by people i see in the halls every day and i don’t ever want to leave and it’s a big problem. and i probably really should talk to my counselor about this because i’ve had this worry/stress since last semester (and we worked on that) but now it’s become even bigger and i feel like i’m being strangled. or drowning. either way, it doesn’t feel good. 

i love my friends so so much and i don’t want them to leave and im so frustrated because i get attached so easily and then once my friends leave, i make no effort to reach out to them or hang out with them so it’s like?? what the fuck. idk what im saying anymore. it’s 11:30pm and i told myself that i’d go to bed early tonight but instead im like typing this and i sigh. idek. i just don’t want college to end, because im worried that means i’ll never see my friends again. which isn’t true. i can always hang out with them. but i’ve never done that outside of school. ok that’s a lie, but UGHHHH idek what im sayinggggggg!! this has been a full on rant, but my fave person who created the peer advisory team im on right now told me that vulnerability is okay. so. here i am being vulnerable. 

[lex-thinks]

here we go again. its like one sick cycle. i’m running out of brain capacity for it all. i just hate myself. i can’t communicate. i can’t even think about it without my mind getting scrambled. i feel so alone. i feel pathetic. i feel like my 12 year old self again. and as dramatic as it sounds i wholly and genuinely feel like i am in the sunken place. like this hole never ends. like i should just be more positive i shouldn’t be the way i am. i shouldn’t think the way i think. i shouldn’t feel the way i feel. but i do. i feel it all to whole other levels. i never know what’s happening to me anymore. what all these feelings are and where they come from. i am so scared of being abandoned, left behind. so scared people will see me how i see myself: boring, stupid, useless, a burden. i find myself wishing for nothing more than love. wishing someone would come in and see me. accept me. try for me. then i remember how i am, that i am not ready and i find myself believing i’m undeserving, ugly, unlovable. i feel constantly rejected, like a little kid hurt because things didn’t go my way. i see myself and just tsk at it all. like why am i like this. why can’t i just be rational. why does nothing ever go smoothly. opening up never makes me feel any better. people see me vulnerable and it’s like they don’t like what they see. like it’s too much. i find myself dramatic, all my emotions blown out of proportion. but on the other hand i just want to die, i want to cry, i want to yell, i feel in real genuine pain emotionally on a regular basis. i feel like i’m hurtling towards death life flying past me all while i’m just too fucked to get back up. and that i find pathetic. why can’t i just do it. why can’t i just let it all go. why do things affect me. and why don’t i ever affect others. i feel unnoticed. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i don’t know how i am. i just crave nothingness. i’m so so tired. i want companionship. i want real love. real connection. i want to feel cared for and cherished. i want someone to want me the way i want them. to read me the way i read them. to try for me emotionally even though i’m so hard. i want to believe that’s out there. i want to love myself. i want to be better for myself and others around me. i want so much more. i feel like a divided person. absolutely insane. questioning my own reality. on one hand completely suicidal and on another craving so much more from life. wanting to make it for myself. i am so tired of being insecure. of living a life of mental torment. i want peace. happiness. prosperity. but i just find myself so tired and so paralyzed by myself. my relationships suffering, not taking care of myself, not doing what needs to be done, wanting to die. all of this inner turmoil and self hatred leads me to believing everyone around me is gonna leave me because it’s too much. i feel bad that she’s even around me. i get so angry over nothing because i’m so deeply insecure. and it’s like not an excuse i just like don’t know how to change that. i just don’t even know what to say i feel like shutting completely down just thinking about it. i feel like i never say anything right. like nothing ever comes out right. i never know if i’m being toxic or manipulative and i constantly worry about it. i worry about everything. it’s all just like too much. i just want to go to bed. i just want it all to end. i want to get better and i don’t want to have to do the work to get there. it all feels so scary that i’d rather keep running or die. facing it is almost too much. i don’t even know what i’m looking at. why i am the way i am. who i am. what i am. if i’m even real. if any of this is even real. if any of it even matters if i’m just crazy. if im just dramatic. if im a narcissist. if im toxic. if im abusive. annoying. dumb. fat. ugly. stupid. worthless. no maybe im none of those things maybe im beautiful and worthy and human and allowed to make mistakes no im none of those things. yes you are. no your not. shut up. boss up. be better. you never will be. and on and on and on and on it goes.

absolute hell. and any time anything externally happens i just don’t know what to do. i go into panic mode. i say things i don’t mean or don’t want to say. i start worrying people are going to leave me that this is gonna be it. that it’ll never go back to normal. that i’ve ruined it. that they hate me. i can’t think straight. i almost want to say sorry to the blog that’s how shitty even talking about it all makes me feel. i hate that on the other hand i’m scared to be better i’m scared to do anything other than just freeze and hope life just somehow gets better. i feel like i’ve been frozen for years. i don’t know what happened. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m just so tired. so sick of it. over and over the cycle goes. i don’t know why i don’t get help. i think i’m convinced it won’t work. that even my therapist will reject me. will hate me. will go home and laugh about what i told them. think i’m pathetic. that they only get payed to sit there and listen but they have no personal feelings , no connection. i just want someone to see me. and love me even after that. and i worry that will never happen. i am always holding back my affections and my feelings. always feeling like i say it at the wrong time and say things i didn’t mean. i feel like i come across like i’m attacking people i don’t know. i wish i had someone to actually talk to that didn’t make me feel shitty after. i want someone to hear me and just tell me maybe i’m not like completely crazy and maybe i can get better. idk. i’m tired. my mind is always such mush. idk. ready for the long nap and at the same time not. idk. wish it was not so complicated. wish i could think straight. wish i didn’t feel in the sunken place.