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#i wish i had more self awareness to realise that im being mean and judgemental and scary
confusedsiewmai · 4 months
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#vent#negativity#i wish i was less bitter and full of hate and anger and frustration#i wish i never felt angry at all#i wish i can never raise my voice#i wish i can notice when im raising my voice and scaring ppl#i wish i had more self awareness to realise that im being mean and judgemental and scary#i wish i werent argumentative and stubborn#i wish i can go back to when i was 16 and genuinely thought i was a bad person and therefore every bad thing i do is just status quo#im so sick and tired of trying to improve as a person because i honestly feel like im getting worse and it makes me so scared knowing that#at least if i were sure of being a bad person again i wont feel this much anxiety and hurt over accidentally being a dick#god i wish i were still convinced i were a bad person then at least id think killing myself would actually solve things#idk anymore im just so sick and tired of being a human being who just wants to be loved but never feels loved because of learned self hatred#or at least i think its learned. if im just misinterpreting things then welp lollllllll i guess im just meant to hate myself then#im so sick and tired of being scared and waiting for the moment when people would just.... reject me completely and disown me#why do i have this fear since i was fucking 8 what fucking world is this that at 8 years old i was this fucking scared of being disowned#now im just waiting for my friends and the guy im currently talking to to just......... fucking stab me or some shit idk
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nighttimeclassics · 3 months
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why does expressing yourself suck so much - emotions fucking suck.
honestly this is a venting of aggravations more than anything, but I just need to get it out of my body.
why is living out loud, and expressing genuine emotion always met with disdain??? to preface what brought this on, i wrote my friend a book for his birthday - which I was nervous about because it was a last minute decision. i was initially making him a blanket, but I ran out of yarn SO FAST, and couldn't get any more so in a panic wrote him a mythology book because that is something we both enjoy,. I felt bad about it though because he's dyslexic and hates reading books, but the only thing I could afford was spending my own time, because I have no money, so it was the only thing I could think of. and he painted me the most amazing dragon for my birthday a few months back. on top of that, he is one of my best and only friends. i don't know if he knows that. he lives hundreds of miles away and has a solid social network, so I don't know if he knows he's one of the most important people in my life. fuck me that's depressing. but I know Im not one of his closest friends by a long way. i don't think I'm anyone closest friend. shit. he didn't have a bad reaction to the gift, he seems to have liked it, but these reactions were over text, so i cant read the tone at all. i thought it was weird as well considering when it was my birthday, we opened my present together over facetime, so we could talk about it, so why was this over text? but also i just have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably hormonal at the minute and reading too much into everything, especially with the rsd.
but you know, being autistic, with alexithymia and rejection sensitivity dysphoria i have a complicated relationship with birthdays. i have always loved giving people presents to show how much they mean to me, but i learnt very quickly that my elaborate weirdly personal gifts weren't appreciated by most people so i stopped doing that a while ago. but you know, recently i thought fuck that, i want to be my authentic self. i am a stupidly emotional person and i am ridiculously devoted to those i love, friends and family alike. but people always misread my emotions, assuming i fancy them or stuff like that, to the point i even have to question myself - like a reverse of that moment in arrested development when Gob and that magician think they are in love with one another but its just friendship. people should really realise given how ace i am that i am not in love with them, at least as far as i am aware. but god forbid i try and do anything nice, i just don't understand why it makes people uncomfortable? especially when i a, only 'revealing' myself in this way who i feel comfortable around - in line with my efforts in unmasking myself.
and our friendhsip is tentative anyways because he's thought I had feelings for him a while ago - but I don't think that I do - everyone always thinks I'm in love with my friends. but its not my fault that we are all queer, suspected or confirmed neurodivergent nerds. I'm rambling like there is no tomorrow but I think basically what I'm saying is that his reaction made me overthink everything (it doesn't help that we went from talking on facetime a lot to now only talking on text after the accusation that I had feelings for him back in like January) I only just got him back as a friend, I don't want to lose him and I wish I was allowed to live out loud and express myself the way I want to without judgement from society, and those that I trust. I'm bored of hiding myself or walking on eggshells. and I feel like a twat because all of this is over a fucking shitty birthday present that I probably shouldn't have written in the first place. fucks sake. i hold on too tight to people I think. and that is never received well. i try to be normal in my friendships - especially the two I have at the minute. i get that they are the only two friends I have, and they have a bunch so I try not to annoy them when they are the only people I can talk to, but I don't think its working. gods all of this is just a fucking pity party and I need to get a fucking grip jesus christ
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credulouscanidae · 11 months
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every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.
i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.
every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.
people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)
even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.
i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.
what it's done to me.
i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.
i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.
everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.
maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.
i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.
but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.
i want to be a real friend.
dont wanna break when i bend.
.....
i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.
i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.
but i have to believe things will get better.
because if i don't
then what?
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sokkas-honour · 4 years
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#17 for the spotify wrapped with zuko! <3
prom queen - zuko x reader
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pairing: zuko x fem!reader
wc: 1k (it’s a short one, i didn’t feel like exploring this song too much as i associate it with a certain sort of my life. i also didn’t put too much effort into tbh, again for the same reason)
warning: if you’re sensitive to body image talk, possible diet talk, possible starvation mention, please don’t go any further. i tried to keep it as light as possible but i did project onto it a bit.
notes: i cherry picked lyrics that work best for this, and the least triggering ones. its kinda of a part two to detention as requested by @aangsupremacy (hopefully this works for you), just not a direct one.
wish i was like you, blue-eyed blondie, perfect body,
she was everything you could never be. with beautiful long black hair and an elegance that you only wish you could have. but most of all, she had the firelord’s attention, she had his heart. she had his attention ever since they were children and it was foolish of you to ever imagine things going differently.
it was foolish of you to think he’d even fall for you, the waterbender who’d been tasked to be his bodyguard ever since you two were children. it was foolish of you to think that, even though you two had been through so much together, you still would never even cross his mind as anything more than a simple friend.
all the nights you two spent on that boat, giving him a space to talk when he needed it. you had always been there for him, you were with him every step of the way from the agni kai to ba sing se, to joining the avatar and defeating ozai. you two had grown close during that time and you genuinely thought that something was happening between the two of you, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. you had forgotten that the affection that zuko felt towards mai transcended any relationship that you had built up with him. spirits did you wish you were her.
maybe I should try harder, you should lower your beauty standards,
you remembered the comments you used to get while on the boat, your body constantly being picked apart by middle aged men who didn’t have any better to do then to bodyshame a teenager. being away from the crew, a weight had been lifters off your shoulders when you found a group of friends that never said anything about your appearance nor found anything wrong with it.
you should’ve realised that when you agreed to join zuko as his advisor that the picking apart would get worse. his cabinet was still very closed minded and judgemental, none of them liked the idea of a waterbender from a watertribe to be the one advising the leader of the firenation, none of them seemed to remember that your whole childhood was spent in between these walls.
most of the time, words were never said directly to you but usually were whispers strategically placed to make sure you heard what they all thought about you. it hurt a lot but you were able to push down all of your emotions until one day, when someone who used to be a part of zuko’s crew, came to help him around the place. the crew had caught on that despite how much he aggravated you, you had a thing for zuko, so he of course made fun of you for it in front of the firelord’s officers who knew of his current relationship status. and that’s when things started to go down hill.
“i’m going to find the firelord and see what he thinks about it.” it all started when you were having a meeting with some of his esteemed generals and admirals, he was absent so you took his place which meant that some people thought it was fun to try and take advantage of your lack of authority. the only way to settle the current argument was to grab the firelord himself and drag zuko into the mess that only he could clean.
“wouldn’t want to do that, his girlfriend might think you’d want to steal him.” a misplaced teasing rang from general tao, one who seemed to always be against you.
“please, mai would take one look at her and not even think that she’d pose a threat. i mean have you seen her body?” another voice inserted himself into the conversation and you started to feel like you’d wish that you could just evaporate into thin air.
“not to mention that marrying someone from the watertribe would be absolutely dishonourable.” general sho added, a smirk on his face as he knew that all of their comments were affecting you. sho was definitely someone who liked to pretend that he didn’t miss ozai, just like half of the people in the room that laughed at the jokes.
“meeting adjourned.” you exclaimed, not wanting to even deal with them any longer and just go to your room and cry about what had happened. you were the first to stand up and go to the leave the room but right as you were about to leave, you heard one more comment.
“go cry about it, maybe you can waterbend it or, even better, loose a little.” it was the last straw and you felt your eyes prick with tears but you couldn’t show total weakness so you held your composure and scurried to your room, making sure to avoid absolutely anyone.
im no quick-curl barbie, i was never cut out for prom queen,
when you closed the door to your chamber, you threw yourself on your bed and just cried, letting all the words that everyone had ever said get to you. you knew that you weren’t ever going to make a good ruler, which is probably for the best that mai is a good contender for the position seeing as she and zuko are madly in love.
but spirits did you wish you were. you weren’t the regal type, you weren’t elegant, you weren’t raised as someone important, you were raised as a bodyguard who’s entire worth was based on wether or not you could protect the future firelord. not matter how much you tried to get over him, you couldn’t. your entire self worth had been based around him since a young age so of course it continued into your early adult years. your whole life had been intertwined with zuko and your destinies, at least that’s what you thought, were always going to be shared in a way.
maybe that’s why you tried your hardest to always be nice to him, be there for him, be a friend for him even when he didn’t want one. sometimes you wondered if you actually did love him or if it was just that if he did love you, you would actually feel like you had a place. you’d always conclude that it was the first, just seeing him happy and smile made your heart race as a fast as a rollercoaster. no one else had ever done that to you.
you remembered the one time you had ever lashed out at zuko. you were grieving and he was being selfish. you had always given him the space to talk about his feelings so you expected the same, only, it took you ignoring him for a couple of days for him to finally understand that friendship was a two way street, even when he was banished.
after that, zuko always listened to you when you needed it and spirits did you wish he was there now. you don’t exactly know what you’d tell him but in right now, you craved him just rubbing your back soothingly and letting you air out what was on your mind. those moments weren’t too common but they were precious.
you were ready to just recompose yourself in your room alone but you jumped a bit when you heard someone knock at the door.
“shit.” you mumbled, quickly trying to find somewhere to look at your reflection to wipe the tears and boy was that going to be a problem. your eyes were red, cheeks were puffy and heavily tear stained, and your hair was disheveled from gripping it as you sobbed.
there was nothing you could do but pray that whoever was behind that door was just a guard coming by to tell you something, they never commented on your current appearance as they were used to seeing the firelord in unpleasant circumstances.
you took a deep breath in and went to open the door. you felt your heart stop when you saw your best friend with a huge smile on his face.
“hey y/n, i-" zuko started off his greeting with the cheeriest voice you’d ever heard from him but the tone quickly switched once he registered that you had been crying. “are you okay?”
“yeah zuko, i’m fine.” you lied, fully aware that he could see that you weren’t and the lie was useless, but you couldn’t talk about what was going on with zuko.
“y/n i know you’re lying, you’re my best friend. and you look like you’ve just been crying.” zuko placed his hand on your cheek and rubbed his thumb gently from side to side. you sighed and leaned into it, savouring the affectionate moment.
“it’s fine, it’s nothing important.” you mumbled after a couple of seconds were spent in silence, not knowing if this was the time to tell him about the treatment that you’d received from his generals and the love that you had for him.
“you know you can tell me anything, right y/n? i learned that a while ago thanks to you. i come to you for help and advice, and vice versa.” he insisted, removing his hand, much to your dismay. his eyes filled with concern as he wasn’t going to just dismiss your feelings like the last time he’d found you crying.
“i don’t want to talk about it right now, maybe at another time.” you compromised, figuring that in a day or so you could finally come forward about it without breaking down.
“deal.” he smiled, glad that you had accepted his help.
“but you had news to tell me, so don’t let the way i look keep you from telling me.” you returned his smile, changing your tone to one of intrigue at the wonder of what got your friend so excited.
“mai said yes to the trip!” he announced giddily.
“the trip to?” you asked confused, if he had discussed this trip with you, you had completely forgotten.
“the trip where i plan to propose to her! i’m pretty sure i told you about this the other week.” he clarified, slightly confused as to why you didn’t remember as in his memory, he had talked it out with you a couple of weeks prior.
“oh yeah, that trip.” you felt your heart drop, you completely forgot about that, it was the last hope of zuko ever loving you as more than a friend, it was already small to begin with but now it was nonexistent. she would say yes and you’d have to live with the knowledge that you never said anything to him, you’d have to live with and help the new firelady, you’d have to see them rule the nation as you’d just think about your unrequited love.
“we leave the day after tomorrow, do you think she’ll say yes?” the firelord was nervous about a girl, your heart broke a bit knowing that you never had that affect on him but it was to her fault for keeping your feelings to yourself.
“of course she will zuko. the two of you are perfect for each other. you’re handsome, a great friend, you’re always there for your friends, you always want what’s best for everyone, and youre a great ruler. and mai, mai’s just drop dead gorgeous.” you rambled, not realizing that you might have raised his suspicions at your listing of his qualities but all it did was make him more confident, he must’ve only seen your small confession as a planotic one.
“thank you y/n. and when i get back, i’ll find someone for you so we can have double dates!” he exclaimed excitedly.
“yeah zuko, that’d be great.” if only he knew that the only person for you was him. you only gave him a half smile before he turned around to do whatever, leaving you alone in your room with something more to cry about.
if im pretty, will you like me? they say "beauty makes boys happy"
a little while after he left, you went out of your room to go clear your mind next to one of the turtle duck ponds. as you sat down to watch the adorable animals, you saw mai pass down the hallway that opened to the courtyard. she spotted you and waved, not bothering to stop as she probably had somewhere to be. you waved back but it made you realise something.
as you looked at your reflection, you thought of how beautiful mai was and how average you were. you’d never compare to her beauty, meaning zuko would never look at you and think ‘woah’. maybe no one would ever see you as the most gorgeous person in the four nations, all you’d be was someone who let the love of their life live with his life without knowing about your feelings.
maybe it was time to move out of the firepalace, the guards didn’t seem to like you and the comments started to get too much to hide the way it hurt you. you wouldn’t have to watch zuko and mai act all lovey dovey. youd finally move on from your life where your whole worth was based around the banished prince turned firelord. maybe you’d find love with someone who saw you as their whole world just like zuko did with mai.
maybe your life would be better.
atla taglist: @draqondance @biqherosix @missmorosis @firelady-jay
zuko taglist: @duh-dobrik
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bellamygateoldblog · 4 years
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how do we feel about bellamy abandoning a suicidal octavia in a toxic forest in the name of monty, 'monty gave his life for us so we could have another change, and im not going to let you destroy it' who repeatedly made it clear in his final season that he wished he did more to save jasper
…we don’t feel great about it. Lol.
Got a little carried away. Apparently I had a stronger opinion on this on this than I thought I did.
There’s an LT;DR at the bottom if you don’t feel like reading the whole thing :)
The Blake relationship is a really complicated one. And I think how you see this event in particular depends on how you interpret this dynamic during the rest of the show, and how sympathetic you are towards Octavia as a character.
I want to start with this: the second chance was Monty’s to give, and only Monty’s. Bellamy doesn’t get to dictate who that message does and does not apply to, because Monty made it perfectly clear he holds no grudges, and wants the best for what’s left of the human race regardless of who they’ve been in the past or what they’ve done. That’s the whole point of ‘doing better’. He just wants everyone to do better than they did, whichever way that is. Monty didn’t specifically say ‘oh but not Octavia she can choke’ so therefore Bellamy had no right to be cowering behind Monty’s words.
He’s telling them to try a bit harder to be more understanding, compassionate, and rational. He wants them to choose to be farmers rather than warriors- to rebuild rather than destroy, to grow rather than deforest, to choose peace over war no matter what. It means a lot more than just ‘hey! maybe don’t go on another genocidal rampage?’
And by abandoning/banishing Octavia, Bellamy did the opposite of what Monty wanted. It almost felt, as i was watching, like he’d sentenced her to death. Like Clarke was banishing Murphy all over again. Or like he was Clarke abandoning him to die in the fighting pits. And I don’t know…repeating old mistakes doesn’t exactly scream ‘doing better’ to me.
Maybe this was Bellamy’s way of ridding the toxicity from the group?
But deciding she’s a lost cause and leaving her there, a clearly mentally unstable woman (and not only just some ‘woman’, but the baby sister he’s shared his life with), on an alien planet that none of them even know is safe at this point, or if it’s inhabited with hostile entities, from some moral high horse/manpainTM point of view is so low. It’s unearned at this point in the series.
Our attention was drawn to how hard it was for him. How upset he was after he did it. Rather than to Octavia and how she felt about it. It brought me back to that moment in season five, to how the camera focused in on Clarke’s pained teary-eyed expression while the child she was electrocuting was a blurry spot the background. Just what the fuck? Is all i have to say about that. He was very much Clarke in this moment; pulling a lever, leaving someone he loves on the outside *for the people* and feeling a bit ashamed but justified about it regardless.
She was trying to do the S1 Bellamy thing and stowaway to an alien planet to protect the one she loved. But the emotional fallout of season five was immense and both of them were way too amped up for any of it to go as planned. Which makes me wonder why the writers even attempted it in the first place?
But let’s just take a minute to think about how reckless and borderline insane this whole decision is from Bellamy- this is the girl who started out an illegal child, unwanted by the people she was born into, who assimilated with the indigenous people, earned their respect, found belonging with them until ultimately she became their leader. Like, if you really thought she was this much of a hazard, throwing her adaptive ass into the wilderness ready to meet another set of warrior people maybe isn’t the best idea you’ve ever had?
HOWEVER
I’m not actually opposed to a detail like this. Because of the unhealthy and sometimes poisonous nature of the Blake sibling relationship. And because they both absolutely needed time apart if Octavia were ever to grow out of Blodreina.
No matter what Monty never gave up on Jasper. But Jasper was usually self-destructive and didn’t act out emotionally using violence like how Octavia does so naturally. He could be a pain in Monty’s ass from time-to-time, but Jasper was never a threat to anyone but himself.
Bellamy cast Octavia out because she killed those guards unnecessarily. She hadn’t yet reflected on what became of her, nor had she processed any of the trauma from the bunker and following battle for Eden, in which some of the heaviest casualties were her most important relationships, with Indra, and with Bellamy. As convinient as it was to utilise violence as a tool for maintaining power, law, and order within the bunker…they aren’t in the bunker anymore, and she is no longer someone with a crushing responsibility.
Was any of that Bellamy’s fault? No.
Was it Bellamy’s job to ‘fix’ her? No.
(Do I think Monty would encourage him to mend their relationship anyway after losing his best friend and brother? Yes.)
But as her big brother and psudo-father, someone that spent his entire life protecting and taking care of her, the bare minimum i’d expect from him in a situation like this is for him to show some empathy, listen to the whole story from her point of view rather than basing his entire livelyhood on the biased accounts of a couple of Wonkru defectors, and make an attempt to understand why she is no longer the baby sister he remembers her being. If anyone was in the position to understand her- her behaviour, her mindset, the weight of leadership and how it shapes a person, and the pressure of making potentially morally corrupt decisions to ensure the people’s safety putting your humanity on the line for it- it’s him.
This was just cheap drama in place of where they could’ve written a meaningful conflict between them.
It was an oppurtunity to address Octavia’s past treatment of him, their co-dependence, their mother, Bellamy deeply believing his life was stolen from him and Octavia feeling she never had a chance to begin with, Bellamy’s inclination to make himself smaller so Octavia can take up as much space as she possibly can, both of their perverse insecurities that manifest in equally debilitating ways, Bellamy’s skewed sense of self pushing him to orbit around her, Octavia’s identity issues and lack of socialisation and resulting narrow black-or-white mindset, I could go on and on. There’s so so much content here to explore. There’s so much stress and pain in this relationship. It’s a shame that despite all that they decided to go omg cannibalism!!!!!!!!
Octavia took forever to forgive Bellamy for what happened to Lincoln, she demonised him, she attacked him over it in one of the most grotesque and unhinged displays of violence i’ve ever seen, and that wasn’t even his fault. I think we can afford Bellamy the same amount of room.
If this ‘banishment’ was the long-time-coming storm of past trauma of their intertwined existences that has long since been buried, if the time of physical peace spent on the ring building a family of his own pushed Bellamy to make a realisation or two about love and family, and the stressful draining qualities of his relationship with Octavia began to morph into resentment of her, and all this abandonment is, is just a beautifully crafted, carefully maintained facade collapsing between them, I WOULD LOVE IT. It’s understandable. But I need to see them have it out with each other first. If nothing is addressed, if they still go on carrying those things around and never find closure, not only is that hindering Octavia’s growth, but Bellamy’s, too.
But none of that happened in season six. Instead i got to see yet another female with her autonomy ripped from her and i got to see manpain.
Over time she supressed any parts of herself that would make her appear weak. It was always going to take time to pull herself out of that dark place and find a way to shape an identity that isn’t based in something that can easily be ripped away from her. So removing her from the group to find ‘the self’ is a good choice. But it had to be her choice.
I think if everything had blown up and Octavia had chosen to leave on her own volition because she recognises her own tragedy and calamity and wants to do what’s right, it would’ve been the perfect place to begin a redemption/reflection arc for her. With self-awareness. What do they say? The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one in the first place?
In an answer to another ask I said it would make some sense for Bellamy (and Clarke & Spacekru) to be unintentionally hypocritcal and judgemental considering the time distance between their last violent experience and how long they’ve had to make peace with the past. While Octavia was in the most stressful position she’s ever been in, and right in the thick of things for the six years that everyone else spent healing and maturing in.
So we have Bellamy as his most reassurred, most contented self- and he comes to Earth, he comes face-to-face with an unhinged Octavia, and is overwhelmed immediately with biased and incomplete information recapping the last six years during an erratic situation with enemies. I’d be confused and paranoid, too tf?
Bellamy loves Octavia more than life. But she’s morphed into a woman he no longer recognises and it could even come as a personal betrayal to him. He’s been disconnected from her for six years. He’s no longer intoxicated by his love and devotion to her. And he’s having a hard time accepting that the baby sister he thinks the world of is capable of such cruelty. So he’s having trouble forgiving her for it. I think it makes a lot of sense. Except, again, they never addressed anything like this.
Season five Bellamy I get. I’m sympathetic to him just as I am Octavia.
But in season six he appeared, not like he was acting on years of supressed emotional turmoil, but like he was on some moral high horse looking down on her from it.
The end of season five left things open, and there was a lot of potential there for things between them to improve, but season six took it and threw it out the nearest window. And we saw Octavia crawling on her hands and knees begging for forgiveness from a man that 1) doesn’t want her, 2) doesn’t respect her, 3) refused to listen to her, and 4) only accepted her once she was the woman he wanted her to be, who was now no longer traumatised.
TL;DR: I’m not opposed to the whole idea of them seperating in season six, with Octavia being the castaway, but it should’ve been Octavia’s choice, not Bellamy’s. And I think Monty might be disappointed that this was what (season six) Bellamy took away from his video on ‘doing better’. To ‘do better’ he decided to choose just one person that can represent all the evil that exists within both his people and himself and throw her out the dropship door. Problem solved! But there are many ways in which I think the writers could’ve done a lot more with this idea, and a lot better, too.
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xsixxx · 5 years
Text
Bad Influence, Chapter Seven
Authors Note: Sorry I’m so bad at trying to get these out quickly, I’m working on it, I swear! This is a pretty long one for me & it’s deep so sorry if it’s a little bit boring! Once again, I’ve finished this at 5am so if there are mistakes/it’s incoherent I’m sorry, I’ll proof read it when I wake up 😂 Feedback always welcome!
Warnings: Language, super duper angsty, bit of childhood trauma, Beth & Nikki up to their usual shit
Tags: @triplehaitches @freddiessmallnipples @queen-crue @scarecrowmax @lovesick-heart0 @littlesunnymoon @80sheart-strings @cranberribread @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies @deaconsroger @zoenicoles @crazysaladchopshop @ggorehorror @lunamadhatter99 @justtryingtoovercome @chaoticvybe @you-know-im-a-dreamer @eightiesrockbaby @valentines-in-london @xrosegoldwolfx @fupatroopaa @lilypetite88 @this-blog-must-be-the-place @ashleecrue @lauravic @dark-princess99
(There’s like no appropriate gif for this I swear so just enjoy one of Nikki looking cute)
(P.s as much as I love Douglas Booth & I will use The Dirt gifs, I fully picture actual Nikki when I write this, just for a little context 👏🏼)
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*Nikkis POV*
“So what do you say?”
Beth looked hesisitant, but she couldn’t hide the excitement that danced in her eyes as my question lingered in the fraction of a space between our lips. I couldn’t stop the smirk from creeping across my face as I sensed her self control slip for just a moment, her eyes darting to my lips. I could see her wrestling with that darker side of herself that wanted to give in & surrender herself to me
She bit her lip in a poor attempt at self-discipline & her doey brown eyes fixed back on mine with a look of delicious purity that made my leather pants a little tighter.
Fuck, I wanted to kiss her so badly.
But I wouldn’t give in, that was the point. It had to be all her.
Beth knew I was bad for her. As she stood there in front of me, I could tell that every logical part of her brain was screaming at her to walk away, to slap me, to yell at me, to do something to keep me away. She knew I was a bad guy, she’d witnessed it firsthand when I fucked that delectably naive little sister of hers & yet, here she stood, visibly battling with her temptation, a breath away from relinquishing her self control & throwing herself at me. She wanted to do something bad for the first time in her life, just to see how good it felt. And damn, I’d make her feel good.
I wanted to prove that I was right, all those many months ago when I first laid eyes upon her elitist, yet enticing self in that diner; that even good, smart girls like Beth could fall from Grace if they were tempted with the right promises. And she was so close to falling, balancing so delicately on the edge I’d lead her up to. But I wasn’t going to push her, I wanted to watch her jump.
But she took a step back; both from the edge & from me. A dark, confident smirk, not too dissimilar from my own, spread across her dainty features, as she found her self-control firmly back in her grasp. She ran her tongue over her lower lip before pulling it back in between her teeth & biting down on it, knowing full well how good she looked doing it & her voice when she spoke was calm & sultry, velvety smooth with a slight edge. In that moment, she had emulated everything that she hated about me & I couldn’t help but smile.
“I say thank you, but no.” She smirked, raidiating arrogance. “I know what you’re trying to do Nikki.”
“And what is it I’m trying to do, little Angel?” I asked, feigning innocence as best I could.
“I know you’re being the devil on my shoulder, trying to tempt me. And damn, your promises make me wanna sin Nikki,” she paused as she took a second to look me up & down, a gleam of desire in those eyes, “Fuck, they really do.” She confessed. “But I’m sorry, I’m just not one of those girls.”
I let a low chuckle. “Beth, I just watched you cum in the bathroom of your work whilst being fucked by the lead singer of my band not 10 minutes ago.”
She scowled at me, her eyebrows furrowed together in annoyance. “I can have casual sex without being one of those girls,” she nodded behind me & I turned to see a a couple of giggling girls at the bar, sipping drinks & trying to catch my attention, flashing flirty smiles my way as they caught me eye. I’d definitely fucked the one. Maybe both. I couldn’t quite recall. “I’m allowed to enjoy sex Nikki, just because it’s with Vince doesn’t make me a groupie. I’m not sleeping with him because he’s in your precious band, I’m sleeping with him because it’s fun & a girl has needs.” She shrugged, defensively.
“So how come you won’t let me satisfy those needs for you, if it doesn’t mean anything?” I grinned.
“Because Sixx, you’re not a good guy & nothing with you could ever just be simple. Look at how you hurt my sister, for Christ sake.” Beth sighed, completely in control once again, shutting off to my deviant corruption. “You’re trying to play a game with me that I’m just not interested in playing, ok?”
“You’re only not interested in my game because you’re shutting yourself off from the side of you that would enjoy playing with me.” I pushed, flashing her a wicked smile, hoping I could pull her back into our little sexually charged exchange, but I could sense from the look that she gave me that the moment was over.
Beth sighed deeply, a look of exhaustion & confliction mixed into her delicate features. Her eyes, full of pain I didn’t understand, met mine one last time before she turned away.
“Goodnight Sixx.”
*Beths POV*
I knocked on the large oak front door & tapped my foot nervously as I waited for an answer, a large sponge cake balanced on top of 2 boxes, wrapped in bright blue wrapping paper that had “happy birthday!” garishly printed all over it.
My heart skipped a beat as I saw my little sisters face emerge from behind the door. Between me moving out & Maddie starting college, we hardly saw anything of each other & I’d missed her more than I’d realised. A wide grin spread across her face as she flung out her arms & ran to me, throwing them around my neck as she hugged me tightly, causing the precariously balanced cake to wobble dangerously.
“Watch it!” I chuckled, pulling away from her grip to catch the cake before it fell. I looked at Maddie, her eyes bright & brimming with tears. “Are you crying?!” I exclaimed.
“I’ve just really fucking missed you Beth!” She laughed, wiping the tears away.
“Madeline, language.” Came the gruff, sharp voice of my father who appeared in the doorway.
“Happy birthday Daddy!” I grinned at the sight of him & walked through the door & putting down the boxes to give him a hug. He pulled me in warmly & I suddenly felt like a kid again, wrapped up safely in the arms of my father & my nerves melted away. He stepped back & looked me up & down, frowning slightly. I blushed, pulling at the hem of my tshirt, my nerves flaring up once again. I’d dressed as conservatively as possible, knowing dad would have something to say if he caught on to my current lifestyle of rockstars, whiskey & the occasional line of cocaine.
“What?” I asked, flustered.
My dad shook his head, his frown disappearing & replaced with a friendly, but cautious smile. “Nothing, nothing. I just thought something just seemed a little different about you, but its nothing.” He finished, sounding unsure before gesturing for us to move into the living room.
I sat down awkwardly on the same beat up sofa that me & Maddie used to build forts on when we were kids & looked around the room. My eyes scanned all the knick knacks & framed photographs that I’d seen a million times over the years & yet, the time away made it feel like I was seeing them through the eyes of an outsider, taking in every detail for the first time. The fireplace was littered with old photos of us as kids, at the beach or playing in the backyard; the faded smiles of a happy childhood. Dust was gathering on the out dated ornaments that were scattered on the various cabinets and coffee tables around the room & the floral wallpaper was looking washed out & old. I glanced across at the table that sat next to me & saw a familiar, heart-wrenching smile that immediately gave me a lump in my throat, too big to swallow.
My mothers kind eyes looked up at me from the ornate framed picture whilst my own instinctively filled with tears. I picked up the photo & gently rubbed my thumb over her face, only wishing I could feel her skin underneath my touch, rather than the cold glass, reminding me that I never would again. I blinked away the tears as I returned the photo back to its prized place on the table, looking back around the living room in search of a distraction. The decor hadn’t changed once in the 10 years since my mom died, almost as if my father was trying to honour her memory by keeping her furniture & trinkets in the same place she had once carefully picked for them. He was treasuring her belongings as she once had, rather than letting them, & her, go.
He tried to do something similar with me & Mads, I thought to myself.
“How’re you doing Daddy?” I asked, suddenly painfully aware of my father now living alone in this unintentional shrine of a house.
“Oh you know, its quiet since you pair left, but I’m coping.” He said, giving us a forced smile. “What about you, are you still working in that hellish bar?”
I rolled my eyes at his judgement & disapproval, it never took long. “Yes Daddy, it pays the rent, remember?”
“I know, I know, I just hate the thought of you working in that sort of environment, surrounded by those kinds of people.” He huffed, shaking his head at the idea of me in the exact situation I was currently in. But I was the sensible one, there’s no way in his worst, most invasive thought, my dad could imagine me heading down the path I was currently on. Hell, I couldn’t believe it sometimes.
But I was still in control & that was the important thing. I knew my limits. No more than a couple of drinks & no getting drunk. No more than a couple of lines of coke & definitely nothing harder than that. No letting the party interfere with my studies or my work. And, my most important rule, no matter how tempted I might be or no matter how fun he might seem, absolutely no Nikki Sixx.
“Dad, I promise, I’m always careful & besides, it’s not as bad as you think.” I shrugged, attempting to downplay his concern. “Anyway,” I said standing up & retrieving his presents & cake from the hall, “let’s stop focusing on me, open up, birthday boy!”
Later
Me & Maddie stood around the block from our childhood home, well out of sight of our fathers overbearing eyes, as we both took a break from his constant paranoid questions about our lives away from home & took long, well-needed drags on our cigarettes. We’d bought ourselves 10 minutes, under the guise that we were walking to the convenience store for some milk, which bought us enough time to burn down our cigarettes & cover the smell by dousing ourselves in cheap but powerful body spray.
“I still can’t believe you’re smoking!” Maddie giggled. “It’s like watching a nun flashing or something!”
I choked slightly as I exhaled, the laugh catching in my throat as her comparison took me by surprise. “Gee, thanks!” I chuckled sarcastically.
“You know what I mean! It’s just you, my smart, goody-two-shoes big sister, is breaking one of Daddy’s golden rules, it bizarre.”
I scoffed at her. “I’m not that bad. I’m not as clean cut as everyone thinks I am.”
“Yeah right! Don’t you remember that night a couple years back when we went to see Mötley Crüe & you saw me smoking for the first time & went crazy at me?” Maddie cackled at the memory. “Oh god & then how you reacted when I went over to speak to them in that diner? You nearly had a heart attack! Fuck, I can’t believe how fast that time has gone!” She sighed contently, breathing out smoke into the brisk evening air. “Do you still see them occasionally at work?”
I took a long drag on my cigerette, drawing it out purposely as I tried to think of a way to answer. I hadn’t told Mads about my partying, or my 6 month on/off fling with Vince or even the fact that I hung around with Mötley at all. I told myself it was partly because I barely saw her & I hadn’t had chance & partly because I didn’t want to upset her, thinking that she’d feel betrayed by her sister socialising with the guy that screwed her over & embarrassed her in front of his band mates. But, if I was being honest with myself, it was more to do with the fact that I wanted to keep this part of my life separate from my messy homelife.
I settled on a simple, vague answer. “Every now & then, they play shows sometimes & say hi.” I shrugged, avoiding eye contact as I brought my cigerette back up to my lips.
“They talk to you?” Maddie quizzed, her eyes bulging with intrigue. “What do they say? Do you speak to Nikki?!”
Fuck, why did I say that last bit?!
I mentally cursed myself for not being vague enough as I searched for a response that could end the conversation. “Erm, they don’t really say much, just a polite hi & bye sort of thing. I haven’t spoke to Nikki though & I wouldn’t want to either, not after everything.” I babbled, flushing red as I attempted to lie, praying that Maddie wouldn’t probe anymore.
“Oh ok..” She sounded almost disappointed. But her eyes caught sight of my burning face. “Why are you blushing? What are you not telling me?!”
“N-nothing.” I stammered, smiling weakly, knowing just how bad I was at lying.
“Oh my god, you’re fucking him, aren’t you?!” Maddie yelled, a mixture of shock & annoyance in her voice. I blushed harder.
Fuck. She knew me too well. “What are you talking about?!”
“You! You’re sleeping with Nikki fucking Sixx, aren’t you?!”
I almost laughed out loud as relief & amusement fell over me like a comforting blanket, the prickling hot panic dying down as I realised sleeping with Vince wouldn’t be half as shocking to Maddie if she already thought I was having sex with that egotistical jackass.
“Oh god no! Maddie, I would never sleep with Nikki!” I laughed. Her face softened as she heard the sincerity in my voice, knowing I could never lie that convincingly.
“So what’s going on?!” She demanded.
“Oh, well um..” I stammered once again, suddenly nervous & awkward to admit the truth to her. “Me & Soph yanno, we hang out with them every now & then. Sophia has slept with Tommy a few times, but nothing major.”
Maddie looked suspicious & concerned. “Just be careful Beth, they’re not good guys, you & I both know this.”
“They’re not all bad. I mean, they’ve got a bad reputation but they’re not really bad guys-”
She cut me off, angrily. “Are you seriously defending them? After what Nikki did to me?!”
“No, of course not- I mean Nikki is, well yanno, he’s Nikki, he’s not the best.. But the rest of them, they’re nice guys- Vince is..” I stumbled, desperately wishing I could just go back 5 minutes & answer Maddies original question with a simple ‘no, I never see Mötley Crüe at work’.
“Oh, so it’s Vince that you’re fucking?!” She asked, cuttingly, raising her perfectly arched eyebrow judgingly.
“Yes” I answered instinctively, before realising. “No. Well, I mean- I have, but that’s got nothing to do with it!” I shouted, flustered & suddenly angry. “What are you getting so annoyed at me for?!” I deflected.
“Why?! Because you’re hanging out with the guys that humiliated me & you’re clearly acting like it never happened!”
“That’s not true! And it wasn’t the guys that humiliated you, it was Nikki & I can’t stand the guy! I even said to him the other night about how much he hurt you-“ But Maddie cut me off once again, shooting me a filthy look.
“How dare you?! How dare you speak to him about how he made me feel!” She began screaming. “That asshole doesn’t deserve to know that he took up one single second of my headspace after I stormed out of that gig, let alone know that he hurt me! I cannot believe that you would share something like that with him, you had no fucking right Beth.” She flicked her cigerette angrily on the floor as she turned & marched in the direction of home.
“Mads, come on, wait up!” I shouted as I ran after her.
“You keep my fucking name out of your goddamn mouth when you’re around that band, do you hear me, you fucking groupie?!” She hissed as she stomped away.
I stood still, shocked, wounded by her words. She’d never spoken to me like that before. I slowed my pace, not bothering to try & catch up as I followed her back home.
•••
I heard shouting as I walked up to the slightly ajar front door. My dads deep, sharp voice cutting though Maddies angry, whiny one.
“You’re in my house, you follow my rules, you know this by now!” He bellowed.
“I don’t live at home anymore, I’m 20 for Christ sake Dad, when are you going to loosen the fucking reigns?!” I winced at the sound of Maddie swearing at our father, knowing he would not take kindly to it.
“You do not speak to me like that, young lady! I am your father, you show me some respect!” He roared, angrier than I’d ever heard him.
I timidly walked through the door, hoping to calm the situation, whatever it was.
“Well you best start screaming at Elizabeth too, because she was doing it as well!” Maddie yelled, pointing at me as I pushed the front door to behind me, hoping to keep from peaking the neighbours interest.
My father let out a short, sharp laugh. “That’s typical of you Madeline, trying to shift the blame on to your sister. She’s the responsible one, you really expect me to believe she was smoking too?!”
Shit. We forgot to cover our tracks.
“You’re fucking kidding me with this Miss Perfect shit, right?” Maddie said, laughing without amusement. “Do you know what your precious daughter has been up to recently?!” I held my breathe, my eyes pleading with her to stop. Through all of our sisterly fights, through our our difficult teenage years, we’d never once had a real fight & we’d never once turned on each other.
“She’s been smoking, drinking, fucking a rock band & no doubt doing their drugs too!” Maddie spat smugly, turning to smirk at me with eyes full of anger.
I felt a rage burn inside me as my father gave me a look of disbelief, which soon changed to disappointment & then pure anger. Maddies disloyalty & smug face pushed me over the edge & I snapped. “Well you’d fucking know!” I shot back snidely. “You fucked one of them first. That probably explains how you know they’re quite fond of sharing their drugs, huh Mads?”
“Enough!” My father thundered. “Drugs?! Did you lean nothing from your mothers death?! How could you be so goddamn irresponsible, knowing what you know?! Have I taught you nothing?!”
My fury had been released & there was no keeping it in now. I glared at my dad, my anger spilling over in his direction. “Maybe if you hadn’t spent 10 years treating us like prisoners, never letting us out, never letting us experience anything, we wouldn’t be so desperate to try & figure the world out for ourselves the second we left your damn tyranny.”
My father looked taken aback, hurt. I felt regret almost instantaneously.
“You know that everything I did was to protect you.”
“Yes dad, we know, but you can’t protect us from real life.” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. I didn’t mean to say it, but it was out there now, the truth I’d always felt but refused to acknowledge. It was out & I couldn’t take it back.
His face hardened, like I’d never seen before & it struck fear into my soul.
“If you want real life experiences, go & have them, but know that whilst you act this way, whilst you blatantly disrespect my wishes & insult your mothers memory, you are no daughters of mine.” He said, coldly. “Now get out, both of you.”
Later
I slammed the door to our one bed apartment shut behind me, relieved to be back in my own home though m still shaking with unspent emotion.
I headed towards the room I shared with Sophia, praying she was out so I didn’t have to deal with her questions & I could just climb into bed & sleep off the negativity of this whole day.
As my hand reached for the door handle of the closed bedroom door, I heard the unmistakable sounds of Sophia & Tommy, going at it &, knowing them, it wasn’t going to be a quick thing either. I groaned out loud, hoping they’d hear my annoyance, before I turned & headed back towards the living room. Flopping down on the sofa, I spotted one of my psych books lying on the coffee table with a hot pink sticky note attached to it:
The theory of human motivation, get to it babe, it’s due Monday. - S ♡
“Fuck.” I whispered, realising it was now 10pm on Sunday & I hadn’t even started.
“Could this day get any fucking worse?” I complained aloud to myself as I picked up the textbook & note pad Soph had thoughtfully left beside it.
“What an apt moment to make my entrance.” Nikki chuckled darkly, causing me to jump a mile & let out a girlish squeal, as he emerged from the kitchen.
“You fucking idiot, Sixx!” I screamed, throwing a pillow in his direction, ducking just in time for it to miss his amused expression. “You scared the shit outta me, dick!” I panted, holding my heart. “What the fuck are you doing here?!”
“Well, apparently Tommy needed to pick something up from Sophia, so I came here with him & he went into the bedroom to get it. That was half an hour ago & he’s yet to come back out, so I made myself at home.” He smiled, taking a bite out of the sandwich I hadn’t noticed him holding. “You only had wholemeal bread though.” He said, pulling a face of disgust between bites.
I scowled at him, shaking my head, not having the energy to rise to his bait tonight. He was obviously disappointed.
“What’s wrong Princess?” He smirked, “Still not ready to play with me?”
“Nikki, please. It’s been a hard day & I’ve got a paper to write by 9am tomorrow morning. Just please, please not tonight, I can’t deal with your games right now.” I pleaded, feeling the tears involuntarily fill my eyes as the true level of my metal & physical exhaustion hit me like a train. I wiped them away quickly, praying Nikki hadn’t noticed.
“Are- Um, are you, yanno, ok?” He mumbled awkwardly, moving towards the sofa, trying to judge whether or not it was safe to sit down next to me.
“I’m fine,” I sniffed, turning my face away from him as he made the decision to sit. “I’ve got a lot of work to do, if you wouldn’t mind.” I said, trying to make my voice sound strong & sure, not ready to show weakness in front of the man that I knew was capable of manipulating it if he felt like it.
“Do y- Ahem” he coughed awkwardly, pretending to clear his throat, “do you wanna talk about it?”
I let out a small, weak laugh, bringing my eyes back to meet his. He looked uncomfortable, fidgeting as he attempted to offer me some level of comfort. I couldn’t help but smile at his effort, no matter what his intentions behind it were. “No Sixx, I really don’t. But, um, thanks.”
He nodded, visibly uncomfortable. “So, uh, what’s your paper about?” He asked, obviously trying to change the subject.
“The theory of human motivation.”
“Ah ok, so like what drives people?” Nikki inquired thoughtfully, perking up a little.
“Sort of.. Well, have you ever heard of Maslows hierarchy of needs?” Nikki shook his head but looked intrigued, so I continued. “So, according to this psychologist, there are 5 levels of human needs & you have to attend to the lower levels before you can satisfy the levels higher up. So, for example, level 1 is your basic needs, food, water etc. You need those in order to attend to level 2, which is security, safety. It continues up to love & relationships, then self esteem & then self actualisation, achieving ones dreams essentially. That’s the top tier, the end goal.”
“Ok yeah, I get it. I’m down for the first level, I mean obviously I gotta survive, but I don’t need security or love or that shit to achieve my goal.” Nikki laughed. “I think this Maslow guy needs to met someone like me. Growing up without love & stability only made me more determined.”
“Well yeah, it made you more determined because you’re unknowingly seeking that love & security through your music & your band. You’re hoping your career will provide you with the security you never had & that your fans will provide you with the love. Every human falls into the model, one way or another.” I shrugged, smirking at his dumbfounded expression.
“Ok little miss psychologist, being as you clearly know me so well, analyse me.” Nikki sniggered.
I shook my head, “it doesn’t work like that. But,” I continued as inspiration struck me, “I could use you as the subject for my paper, I think you’d make an interesting case, with your inflated sense of ego & all.”
Nikki flashed his usual, arrogant smirk. “Well, doesnt sound like Tommy is gonna be done any time soon. Ok, you’ve got yourself a test subject, Princess.” He winked.
“Ok, lets do this properly. No messing around, I need to you answer my questions as best you can Sixx, promise?” I raised my eyebrows at his wide grin.
“I promise I’ll try.” He responded, raising his hand mockingly.
I grabbed my notepad & pen & began scribbling down some notes to start me off.
After a couple of minutes of writing, I looked up. Nikki was sat patiently, lighting a cigerette & gazing off to the side, lost in thought. The sight of him sent my stomach into freefall as I took that moment to appreciate his features, his strong jawline & thoughtful eyes. He caught me staring & his eyes shone with mischief as he grinned once again, shattering my vision of this deep, soulful artist. I laughed at my own foolish thought that Nikki Sixx was anything more than he appeared to be at face value. He proved that with his answer to my first question.
“Ok, So Nikki Sixx, tell me what it is that you do.”
“What do I do?” He asked, that roguish gleam in his eyes twinkling as gave me that troublesome smirk once again. “Oh, I do bad things.” He answered.
“Yeah, this was a bad idea.” I snapped, slamming my notepad shut with exasperation. “I should’ve figured you weren’t capable of taking anything seriously.”
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’ll be sensible.” He laughed. “I am the creator & bassist of a rock band called Mötley Crüe.”
I gave him a stern, warning look before continuing. “And tell me, what lead you to peruse a career in music?”
“Music was the one constant thing throughout my childhood & teenage years. It cut through the boredom & the bullshit in my life. It inspired me.” He said simply, but passionately. I brought my eyes up from the notepad to look at him, his eyes truly thoughtful this time as I imagined him reminiscing about the first album he’d ever bought or the first time he held a bass. Whatever he was remembering, it tugged at the corners of his lips as a genuine smile appeared on his face, taking the place of his usual smirk. I couldn’t help but smile along with him, taking in his beauty & serenity in that moment.
“So, ahem”, I coughed, bringing myself back to reality, “What was music an escape from? What lead you to feel so passionately about it?”
“I had a shitty upbringing.” He said bluntly. “My dad split when I was 3 & it was obvious that I was just a burden to my mom. Whenever I got in the way of her lifestyle, she’d ship me off to my grandparents who constantly moved around. And when she did want me, I was just a punching bag for her asshole boyfriends.”
“Nikki, I’m sorry, I had no idea..” I trailed off.
“It’s fine Princess, it is what it is.” He shrugged, but I sensed he wasn’t as ok with it as he was making out. “So when I found music, it was suddenly like ‘this is it, this is what I’ve been looking for’, it just made sense to me & I’ve been infatuated ever since.”
“Sixx, look, we don’t have to do this, I didn’t realise that this went as deep as it does, I don’t wanna intrude..”
“It’s ok. It must be hard to imagine broken families when you’re not from one.” Nikki responded a little sharply, his presumption catching me off guard.
“Excuse me?”
“No, I just meant that when you have a stable family, it must be hard to imagine that some parents don’t love or want their kids, yanno?”
I laughed humourlessly at his false premise. “Trust me, there is nothing stable about my family.”
“Oh come on Beth. You’re telling me that you, the well educated Daddy’s girl from the good neighbourhood, had a rough childhood, really?” Nikki scoffed, rolling his eyes.
I snapped, growing tiresome of his stereotypical opinion of me. “You don’t know the first thing about me Sixx, stop pretending that you do.”
“Kind I’d like how you didn’t know the first thing about me until 5 minutes ago? Yet, you’ve always made your judgements on my attitude & my lifestyle. I’m just returning the favour doll.” He replied, raising his eyebrow pointedly.
I sighed, resigning to his annoyingly accurate point. “Ok fine. Not that I owe you any explanation,” I started, looking anywhere in the room but at those piercing eyes that were focused so intently on me. “My mom OD’d when I was 13. She was prescribed painkillers after a car accident & she just never came off them.”
“Fuck.” Nikki whispered. “Doll, I’m sorry.”
I shook my head as I felt the tears prick in my eyes for what seemed like the millionth time that day. “Our dad wrapped me & Maddie up in bubble wrap after that & made us fearful of the world. He took us out of school & homeschooled us, never really let us socialise, we never got to go out & see our friends, he all but kept us locked up.” I sighed, thinking back to the harsh words I’d said to my father earlier on that day, the regret & guilt flooding back & overwhelming me once again. “I know he was doing what he thought was best, keeping us safe & protected from anything or anyone that could harm us or influence us.”
“Someone like me?” Nikki teased, trying to lighten the mood.
I let out a soft giggle. “Exactly.”
Nikki gently placed his hand under my chin, lifting my head up fractionally so that my eyes met his. His gaze drifted to my cheek as a lone tear fell silently down it. His grazed his thumb softly against my skin, wiping it away with a simple caress that sent shivers through my body. I felt weak under his touch. That same touch that had once set fire to my mind did so once more & I instantly craved him all over again.
“Who knew you could be a good guy when you wanted to be?” I whispered as his thumb trailed from my cheek to my lips, his eyes fixated on them.
“I’m the devil Lizzy, remember?” He muttered back, restraint evident in this voice. “I’m not a good guy.”
“Being good doesn’t get you anywhere. Trust me, I know.” I breathed, leaning in to him & letting my lips brush his, using his own trick against him. “Kiss me, Sixx.” I whispered.
“You don’t want this, Angel.” He warned gently.
“And how do you know what I want?”
His brow furrowed, confliction obvious in his dark green eyes. “You’re upset & you’ve had a bad day. This isn’t you & as much as I want you, I don’t want you this way, you’re not thinking clearly.” He sighed.
“Fuck, Nikki, I can’t fucking win! So what, you only want me if I’m like all of those other groupies, drunk in a bar & throwing myself at you, is that it?” I snapped, moving away from him.
“No Beth, that’s not it.” He replied bluntly, running his hands through his messy hair. “But look, you’re emotional & vulnerable & I-“ he stumbled, unsure whether to continue. “I’m not the solution to your problem Beth ok, I’m not that kinda guy.”
I laughed sharply. “Wow, because I’m so insecure in myself that I must need you to comfort & validate me, right? Christ Nikki, it must be exhausting fanning your own fucking ego like that.”
“Why else would you be coming on to me now?!”
“Because for a second Nikki, you actually seemed like a decent guy, like maybe you actually had a heart. And for a fucking second, I didn’t despise you.” I laughed, bitterly. “Silly me!”
“But that’s just it Beth, you know I’m not a decent guy. I wanna fuck you, I mean Christ, you know I do. But I wanna make you feel bad, I wanna fulfil your darkest fantasies, I don’t wanna just be your comfort fuck, that’s just not what I do Beth, I’m sorry.” He muttered, shaking his head.
“How fucking dare you?!” I fumed, shoving his shoulder & standing up. “How dare you presume that I fucking need your comfort. I can take care of myself, Sixx, thanks.” I turned around, walking towards the kitchen, muttering to myself “God forbid I should just find him attractive for a fraction of a second & wanna act on it-”
I heard Nikki stand up & I spun round to give him more of my mind, but he was quick & I was suddenly standing chest to chest with him, my face at the level of his neck & I caught his musky scent & I was momentarily intoxicated. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from imagining what it would be like to feel his skin under my lips as I placed kisses along his neck, nipping & sucking as I went. My mouth watered slightly at the thought.
“Ok Lizzy. Prove it.” Nikki tested, his forehead resting lazily on mine as I brought my eyes up to look at him. They were dark, yet I could sense the struggle & hesitance in them, along with the desire that I’d come to recognise so well.
“Prove what?” I asked stubbornly.
“That you want me. Prove me wrong, do something reckless & impulsive just because you know it’ll feel good. Make that decision to jump.” He whispered, his breath brushing my face as his words & his eyes drew me in, pulling me down, under his spell.
Once again, he brought his lips to mine, allowing them to brush together, sending sparks of electricity & passion surging through my body, but he restrained from kissing me. He wanted me to be the one to do it. He wanted to be right.
Fuck, I wanted to prove him right.
“You’re the devil, Nikki Sixx.” I murmured softly.
He smirked against my lips, knowing he had finally won. “Angel, something tells me you can’t help but enjoy it.”
I tiptoed & titled my head up towards Nikki, closing the gap in between our lips, surrendering myself to him. My lips crashed on to his & immediately that fire that only he could ignite spread to every part of me. My mind, my body, my soul we’re all ablaze with the feeling of him. For the first time in years, I did something I knew I shouldn’t, for no other reason than because I simply wanted to. There was no hidden reason or agenda, I just wanted him.
No, I craved him. I wanted him to show me the darker side of myself he promised, I wanted him to show me what my body was made for.
He pressed himself against me, tasting me, wrapping his arms around my waist & pulling me in closer. I could feel that tantalisingly smirk against my lips, I could taste his arrogance & it only made me want him more. I buried my fingers into his hair, gripping with desperate ferocity as he picked me up & thrust me roughly onto the kitchen work surface, deepening his kiss, causing me to moan gently into his mouth.
Nikki groaned seductively, breaking the kiss. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you make that noise for me.” He breathed, his hands travelling up my body to cup my face, holding it roughly, forcing me to look into his hungry eyes. He studied for me a second as I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, my body aching for his kiss.
“I knew I could make you fall from Grace.” He smirked. “We’re gonna have fun so much fun together, little Angel.” He grinned wickedly, letting go of my face but keeping his hand under my chin.
I smirked, a new found confidence washing over me as ran my hands through Nikkis disheveled hair & looked into those dark eyes.
I leaned in towards him, my soft lips grazing his lobe purposefully as I whispered proactively into his ear. “You have no idea what you’ve just started. Just because you won this round, doesn’t mean I’m gonna make this easy for you. When I’m through, even the devil is going to kneel before me.” I drawled, mimicking his arrogance before hopping off the work surface & walking away, leaving Nikki with his mouth open, desperate for more.
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monsterloveday · 4 years
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Whatever you are - you’re fit.
Another bloggy! So as you know I have mentioned the subject on my (extra) weight a few times on here before. Its always been that I have shared my personal experiences, feelings and how it affected me and only me... because I can only delve into what has happened from my side. But as of lately, it has been very... thought provoking?, educational? eye opening?, to see that judgement lives on both / all sides of the spectrum. Something I never thought actually happened?. And to be honest I don’t know whats worse, just fat shaming?, or knowing that no matter what you look like, there is always some twatty tribe of people to tell you, that your body / face is not acceptable and you are not good enough as you are. We cant bloody win can we? Whatever ‘Category’ society may put our appearance(s) in, they will STILL tell us, that how we look is wrong... Thin - but tiny boobs Thin with big boobs - out of proportion Fat - but flat chested Fat with ‘fat girl boobs’ / saggy Breast implants - Fake Thin male - with no muscle Fat Male - needs to be thinner Muscly male - too obsessed with the gym
There. Is. No. End.
All my life, whether it be from the media, peoples comments, the exposure of ‘what is sexy’ -  it has always always been that THIN is IN.
Its almost like its automatically been wired into our brains to believe this. Now, Im aware that this is still a common message in this day and age, and of course fat shaming is 100% still living and breathing (hell do I know it) BUT... How tiring to see it happen to thin people also. As a girl who has always been taught that being fat was the worst thing you could be, I had always seen thinness as a ticket out of the hateful comments, a ticket to happiness, I could wear all types of clothes with no shame. If I was thin - everything would be better... I would be sexy, more attractive / more accepted, and most importantly... people would be nicer to me. So it was astonishing to see that even (some) thinner people not only get shit from others - but they THEMSELVES wish they were BIGGER?! Something that I have tried to rid of all my life, is what someone else wants to become?! It was mind blowing yet so interestingly sad to realise that some thin people also wish they are something they arnt, and that they can be made to feel just as worthless because of other peoples awful mouths.  How cruel the world can be to ALL types of people. How I only saw it from my side. Because I thought no one would hate being thin. Thin / skinny was always a compliment in my eyes, but for some, it is the equivalent of how hurtful being called ‘Fat’ is to me. Another aspect of this is, is that not in every case should body shape be an indicator of your life style or what you may or may not eat. People get it so twisted. Why do people assume that fat people are lazy and that thin people don’t eat? Yes, there are some fat people who are lazy, and some thin people who don’t eat, but that doesn't mean every fat person is not fit or strong, or that a thin person hardly eats?. People can be thinner / fatter because of health issues. People can try and try so much to gain / lose weight but their body just doesn’t?. They can have medical reasons, parts of their body may not be working the way they should, people may have eating disorders, or hate the way they look. Yet people spit out their opinions on your body like its their business??. You don’t know what someone is going through or whats in their head or body to make them look the way they do, but whats more, leave them the hell alone?! Cant we just accept that bodies are just bodies and they do what they need to do to keep us alive and who cares what shape they may form?!
Were just people and we should see each other for the people we are, our traits, our personas - the things that actually matter and make up a person, make up a soul.
And obviously it doesn't stop there does it? You could have all the beauty in the world, and then some prick will say you are the wrong colour, the wrong height, the wrong nationality - as Ive already said, there is no end!. As hard as it is, its because of all this, that I feel we have to go with what we have. Because even if i lost all my weight, got plastic surgery etc, there would still be someone to call me ugly etc. Be your own tribe, who just accepts your body for what it is, otherwise we are in a never ending battle of self hate - which would SUCK ASS. I know its hard to be completely fine with how you look, I battle with that kind you thing everyday, but if we could just accept it - for now, (we can all work on loving our bodies for a later date) but just don’t be a part of the twatty tribe, especially when its to yourself!  - and if you are a person who makes comments about how other people look, do the world a favour and just jump off the planet yeah? Whatever you are Fat / Thin / Dark / Light / Short / Tall / Bald / Hairy / Muscly (the list goes on) You. Are. FIT. Be back soon Jay Monster. 
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