#or before bc thats my other sisters bday so im going to the other side of the state to visit her on her day

[modernmutiny]

See, this is why I don't celebrate my birthday anymore.

[miraculous-writings]

Long sappy post about my bday, how this year was amazing but also how my many last ones havent been. (Mentions of my r*pists and of s*icide ahead too tho)

But

This year is the first year I have had... An absolutely wonderful birthday. In so many years.

Last year, somewhere around this time tsukista's cast changed, I started falling into a downward spiral bc of my sister getting engaged to my r*pist, and I lost a bunch of very close friends.

The year before, around this time she had chosen him over me/the family permanently. And i was starting my descent into complete turmoil. I lost all of my closest friends in the worls, the person I thought I could see spending the rest of my life with, i ran away from home, and was in the worst state of my life. Ever.

The year before was the year my sister had been caught sneaking him in the house. I came out about what he did to me... And she continued doing it anyways. This is when my nightmares and insomnia had started up due to my ptsd.

The years before weren't as traumatic, but they weren't good either. Back before these years i was also having to deal with my OTHER r*pist and the aftereffects of how he had ruined my life. And around summer it always gets worse bc thats when he had gone batshit psycho stalker on me.

So, for this year... To have been this wonderful is just. So out of the realm of what I could have ever hoped for or expected. My friend called into work and did everything she could to be allowed to spend the night beforehand, knowing how badly i view my birthday. Another friend drove all the way down from the state above mine, he drove about 3 hours each way. A total of 6. And another was going to come from the opposite side of the state which is about 2 hours but her cars tires were fucked and the place she was getting new ones from fucked her over so she couldnt come but that wasnt her fault. The point is she had been ready, with literally like 1 or 2 days notice, to pack up and drive over and spend the night just because she had learned it was my birthday.

If you had told me last year, or the year before, or any recent years id have friends like this after all ive gone through i would have laughed in your face.

But I.. I just feel so unbelieveably lucky. I keep rewriting new posts saying all this (or smtn close) and ive cried several times both today and yesterday over this but im just... Im so happy that people care about me. This disgusting awful shitty fucked up broken useless ugly and absolutely destroyed remenant of a human being. All of them did SO much JUST so they could spend a few hours with me and try to make my birthday a good one. And they did it. My birthday went by without anything bad or horrible going wrong and I got to hang out with two amazing friends. I also got lots of messages from my other friends about it too, which was really nice. And some messages from old friends i hadnt expected anything from! I didnt even think theyd notice!

I just. I'm so glad. Compared to how, for so many years, ive thought nobody would care. Especially since through my many s*icide attempts nobody ever was, and even when I was in the hospital i was stuck in that tiny room all alone, just me and my mom. My sibblings hadnt even come to check on me. My dad had come but left after like 30 minutes. Thats when I had decided nobody would ever, ever care if i died. They wouldnt flinch. Wouldnt bat an eye. Wouldnt care.

But now I just. Today I have felt so loved and happy and I cant express it. I would never believe anyone if they said it. My dad went and bought me a cake. Him and my brother sang Happy Birthday and called me Andrew. I had gone w my friends to lunch at my favorite ramen place. We came home and watched funny Markiplier videos. Then once one friend left we watched bungou stray dogs. Everything was just... It was so nice. It was so fucking nice. And I am so glad that for once nothing went drastically wrong. I am so relieved.

I cant say im happy to be alive, but i can say i am glad i was alive to experience a day like this at least once. I'm so happy i got to experience this day.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i have a lot on my mind and my heart and i think i need to pray about it but i also think im too afraid to give it up to God bc I know in my heart what I need to do and I don’t want to face the truth. I would much rather block out the sound with things of the world and drown my sorrows away.

But yesterday, not last night, but the night prior, I had a dream where I apologized to James in person and we had a heartfelt conversation. And while we didnt make up, it felt like the beginning of forgiveness. I assumed he would just brush it off and say, “oh. thanks but it’s fine,” or something along the lines of that but he didnt. he confessed that he was really hurt by the mean things that i had previously said to him and i repeatedly apologized and expressed my deep sorrow and regret towards him. and it felt really great. but in reality, i am so so so so so scared. not even scared. i am absolutely terrified to actually pick up the courage to do it. i thought i was hyping myself up to do it pretty well for this sunday but i just recently realized that sarah chong’s bday party is on saturday and i could easily just not go and use my ASO meeting as an excuse bc i feel like he would be there. and the thought of having to tell him on saturday left me petrified. i just. i cant. i cant. i cant i cant i cant. i am so afraid. and i know this is something that i need to do or else i will always be beating myself over it and wondering what wouldve happened if just said something and i know that i need to do it but God, I am so scared. God, please oh please provide me with the faith and strength to do so. To be real and genuine and communicate my deepest regret towards bc I really was such an awful person and i feel awful about it. But it’s something that I know I just need to do. I already told Judy to help keep me accountable and I think that she will but I just. Sigh. I am so worried and concerned and scared. I feel so scared. Scared that I’ll be judged? Brushed off? Laughed at? I honestly don’t know but I do know that I am scared.

The first couple weeks that I was here were pretty awkward and weird and I think bc I was still so afraid of how my life would be like here. I was afraid that Katie and Loren would just keep to themselves again and I would be lumped with Ryan. I was afraid that after everything that happened, things would just go back to the way they were before. And because of that, I felt really bitter for having returned at all and unintentionally took it out on my loved ones. I couldn’t have a good time with Andrew, David, or Sofia for my first few nights here, no matter how hard I tried. My heart just wasnt in it and I wasnt up for putting on a pretty face and acting like I’m my typical happy-go-lucky self when I’m not. I was just so bitter and tired and didn’t have the mental energy to do anything. On Sunday, people I thought were my somewhat friends would see me and not even say, “hi.” And thinking back on it, I’m wondering if they were waiting for me to make the first move before talking to me and think I’m the cool one in this situation? Regardless, I felt nervous and scared enough already as is and them just totally ignoring me just made me feel even worse. I don’t want to see those people again bc I know how scared and miserable I feel. But I also can’t just give up on them and Sa-Rang without trying first. A lot of good has come from that place for me and I really am beyond grateful. And I owe it to God, them, and myself to at least put in the effort to try and make things work before just giving up and moving away. I would feel too much like a coward then and I already spent so much of my life living in that kinda style. I don’t want to keep running away. I want to face things head on.

While I’ve been home, I’ve been forced to get up close and personal with all my past fears, worries, and insecurities. There are good things about being home but there are also bad parts too and yes, I have been reminded of those bad parts during my stay. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s just an opportunity for me to face those parts head on and finally confront, overcome, and grow from them. I won’t let them drag me down but I will acknowledge that they were a part of who I was and still am. And I am growing but how will anyone ever know that if I’m always too afraid to show that side of myself? I just need to be bold and do it! Just do it Jessica! Just do it!

Yesterday, I had a really good conversation with both my sister and Katie during different times of the day. My sister in the morning and Katie at night. I shared my dream with my sister and my fears and she told me that I should just tell me bc if he doesnt take it well then thats on him. But if I never say anything, I’ll spend my life beating myself up over it, wondering what would have happened if I did. And she was right. And I know that this is just something that I have to do. 

This is just a quick sidenote before I get back into and talk about my conversation last night with Katie but, I just spent some time with Loren and Ryan ordering pizzas for dinner and it really helped me to calm down just to talk and be with them and I’m feeling a lot better and more at peace now. I’m really grateful for them. A couple days ago, I realized that we all treat Ryan pretty poorly and he always gets the short end of the stick and I felt pretty bad. And I know that I’ve been pretty desperate to win Katie’s affection bc I really look up to her. She’s usually calm, mature, super talented artistically, has a good sense of style, and overall seems like an older version of me. Maybe not in a year but in the future and I’ve always looked up to her. And I think bc she doesnt always get along with Ryan, I didn’t want to either and followed suit. But no one has really given him the time of day recently and it’s just been constant teasing from one to the next and I felt pretty bad so last night when we all went out to Huntington Beach, I didn’t want to care about what Loren and Katie thought or saw. I was going to make an effort with Ryan. And we all ended up getting along really well and I think that’s been one of the most memorable nights of the trip. And when I later confessed these feelings to Katie during our talk(wow transition!), she was really touched at how much I cared for him and how sweet my heart was. I shared about how miserable I felt in high school and my feelings of needing to escape and how being back at home has made me confront those fears head on and she shared about her experience and her relationship with her parents and how she felt that there was a condition to her parent’s love. Like unless she acted better than Ryan, they wouldnt love her just as they dont love him and she was so afraid of that. And I was crying but not in a bad way. More like the waterworks just naturally flowed out of my eyes but it felt really good to finally share how I’ve felt for so long. About my admiration and fears and worries and concerns and just being able to get them out in the open and for her to be so willing to listen and understand meant so much to me. I definitely want to take a picture of them both and write them both heartfelt letters before they leave back home. One for their mom too! I didn’t think I would get along with her so well on this trip but bc we’re both so blunt and upfront about everything, we actually get along super well! 

I’ve been feeling pretty sick the past few days so that’s sucked but even though the beginning of this trip was a little bit rocky with constant teasing, I’m really glad that we’re able to have these heart to heart moments with each other. Even earlier, when I just played a few card games with Ryan or when I sided with him and called Katie and uncultured swine, it felt so great! He was so shocked and proud of me and we high fived at dinner and it was amazing! And I really am so glad for this opportunity. For them to be here and for us to spend some quality time with them. I am so gracious and joyous. Thank you so much for this time together God. Thank you.

Amen.

[im-reed-ing]

tagged by: @heroiiic u are a cool person and I am a chicken nugget thats too scared of bothering u on discord, but if my phone wasn't physically broken id share u a screenshot every time soren came to say hi to me in FEH

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better.

((alright but when have I ever followed the rules...... just sayin))

1. nicknames: reed... uh..... sometimes ppl call me weed to mock me but then i just punch them and its good (just kdding im weak as shit)

2. gender: hey so i find that if you don't identify yourself, people you talk to online are less likely to preemptively subconsciously stereotype you and therefore judge you before really getting to know you. So let's keep it that way. Unlock lvl 3 friendship before I reveal who I truly am to you LMFAO

3. Star sign: aries grr!

4. Height: 5'5", maybe 5'6" ??? idk man all i know is my little sister is taller than me and it makes me mad bc I personally am not that short!!!!

5. time: 2:16 am

6. bday: March 22

7. favorite bands: well shit uh, Sakanaction, Bump of Chicken, Dogcatcher, The Oh Hellos, FOB, Unison Square Garden.... im sure im missing something but... o well.

8. Favorite Solo Artist: I can't choose so u get all of em. Hachi (Yonezu Kenshi), Aimer, Sasakure.UK, Harito, Keichi Okabe, EMI EVANS god ,,, As well as a collection of, indie people,... and anyone that did the drakengard/nier osts / gravity rush 1 & 2 Osts, wow. seriuosly. Amazing.

9. Song stuck in my head right now: Douse shinundakara, (its a lie that its not stuck right now but its been for the past few days!) because I found the jp translation and made english lyrics and have been practicing hittin those high notes in the car on the way to school LMFAO.... same with hoshii no kieta by Aimer.;..... its like car karaoke hawhaw

10. Last movie I saw was. Uh. UHHH. In theaters, it was Hitmans Bodyguard, which by the way was campy and ridiculous and pretty funny if seen with the right people.

11. Last show I watched: was Rick and Morty, earlier today, in my school lounge on my computer. s3 ep 7 is really, really good. Like really good. It's also pretty fucked up.

12. when I created this blog: its been. A very. long time. this blog has only really ever been for reblogs... if u wanna chat w me find a discord server im part of and bother me there... or pm me, because i prefer one on one conversations even if im shit at keeping them going.

13. what I post: oh shit i answered this one already by accident OOPS UHHHH i reblog good art, shitty memes, and PSA's that I think are important. Im here to haev a good time. I have a seperate art blog that's in my about tab so there's that.

14. last thing I googled: the definition of the word galvanized. I am now slightly more verbose.

15. do I have any other blogs: like, two. artblog, old blog where I uploaded covers when I was in middle school, and a personal vent blog.... i accidently reblogged something to there though so I deleted it oops lmfao. But its ok, it was meant to be ephemeral and writing my thoughts down is therapeutic so I'll make another one once again.

16. do I get asks: literally never. Not even bots, LMFAO.

17. why did i choose my url: I've stuck with the name Reed for a really long time now but its also a pretty generic name, so i came up with this shitty pun and it stuck. it's probably my steam username too but like shifted around a little. any time i can't get 'reed' as a username i default to im.reed.ing or something like that.

18. followers: whoa, 175, really???? I get the impression that quite a few of them are inactive though, or i post so irregularly and infrequently that no one ever sees my posts LOL.

19. following: 380 and still counting. I turn on notifs for artblogs I really like!!! >;3

20. favorite snack for movie/tv: Honestly I used to not chow much while watching or itd be something generic like chips, but recently I started marathoning naruto of all things w a friend and we go to the asian supermarket beforehand and we get like a bunch of popped rice chips or sweets and various foods and some iteration of hi-chews and THAT is my favorite marathon snack tbh.

21. average hours of sleep: NEVER ENOUGH. It goes from like 2-3 hours on days when i have no self ocntrol... to like 12-16 on days when i... have no... self control.... lays down slowlyl.....

22. wHAT THE HECK THERES NO NUMVER 22 TRIKEY skdjhfksu cMON MANG

23. lucky number: my rng is shit but my favorite number is 4 because someone dear to me likes that number... but also because 4 is unlucky in some places, which I identify with.... but also bc 4 is the # of sides in a square/diamond, and squares are perfect and good shit and  aesthetic. My boyfriend is a squa-- //kicked jk jk  ramiel is a octohedron, i take it bac k ....

24. instrument: i can play the piano (barely) but I used to also do violin trumpet and a teeny bit of flute.... learned the ocarina too bc im a zelda nerd, and I dont mean that silly little 4-hole one. But I also sing and stuff and have been actively practicing, one day ill make a decent cover and learn to mix and be one of dem cool youtaites..... lays down slowly. this is fine.

25. what I am wearing right now: a lot of things,,, a watch, a hyper light drifter sweater. headphones, underwear, pants, a tshirt, socks, existential dread... u name it lol.

26. first celeb crush: since i honestly never cared much for real life celebrities, i'll just give you my anime/video game crushes instead and like...... wow i can't honestly remember my first ones???? oh shit wait OK it was probably both ashitaka and san, my first ghibli movie was mononokehime...  they are just so freaking coo l... ok thtas a lie i lowkey wanted to BE them. Both of them.

.... idk man u cant ask an aroace person what their crushes were bc idk what those are!!! I assume u just really really really like something/someone and thats that, I GUESS??? I wanted to be link too once upon a time. And nausicaa. and a good chunk of the soul calibur 2 cast, and starfire from oldtimey teen titans. i was a simple child ok???

27. dream job: listen thats complicated idk about what my dreams are for a job, but I do want to be an animator and a storyboarder and a game developer and a game tester and a movie critic and a cinematographer and a director and a story lead and an illustrator at some point, and gotta try it before I can knock it ya know?

28. Dream trip: anywhere, so long as its with the people I really love. One day, I'll pack a few things into my car and run away for a little while. I'll come back some day! But for those long hours on the road with another person or two, marvelling quietly at the world around them as it passes and listening to music in the car... that sounds like a nice temporary reprieve.

29. favorite food: i fucken love poki bowl. SPICY SEAFOOD + RICE YAAAaaas

30. nationality: was born in murica, but both my parents are immigrants from now-ukraine. So we all speak russian at home lul.

tagging people: ha, tags are for nerds. @one-becomes-two @trash-knights @nhiners @awishwee @deerwood @montejeska @queenchro @chicken-mcnobody DONT HAVE ANY MORE BLOGS I CAN REMEMBER this will have to do.